S.tay A.t H.ome M.om at Work

Flu Bug

2012-02-02T17:34:00.000-08:00

Blogging has taken a back seat to laundry, temperature taking and overall sleep deprivation.

Now I can say with all authenticity to mothers of newborns, I feel your pain. As I walk around in a daze, a fog of sleeplessness, I have lost touch with the details of my ordinary day. I can't remember if I did this or took care of that. I sit, stroke her hair and mentally speak with God about this child and every single one under my roof.

Lord keep them well, not only for my sanity but for the rest of those living in this house, have mercy on us all.

I want to sit and appreciate chunks of time, as children waft in and out of sleep. I realize, this is truly where I belong, here and no where else. This is where I am needed the most, this is where I am complete, in service to those around me, those needing their mother, desiring that kiss, that tuck with the blanket and the reassurance, that this too shall pass.

No one can give comfort like a mother. No one can look deep into their pleading eyes, and bring a peace like I can for them. That is the gift I have, simply being their Mom. And with this gift, is that responsibility not to shirk this God given role of comforter.

Thank you Lord, for giving me arms to hold these little ones, to comfort and care for them, like no one else can. Thank you for this privilege, showing me how loving is a gift we can give, and how it can be magnified into something larger than ourselves when it's done in the most difficult of moments.

Small Successes Thursday

2012-01-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's Thursday, time to count up those small victories. One by one they do add up.

1.) Received and read new book for review by Anthony DeStefano, "I Just Can't Take It Anymore!" Too cute, will post a review soon, along with your chance to win it. It's giveaway time!

2.) Organized office desk. Huge success. Huge.

3.) Hung things back on walls after painting job, well, hubbie did it, I directed.

In Progress:
4) Nursing little Entertainer back from the flu.

Small Successes are now hosted over at Chocolate For Your Brain. Stop over and share your own!

A Man In The Making

2012-01-19T05:37:00.000-08:00

Carefree Knight is nine years old, my second oldest child, and in 4th grade. This year for him has been a year of self confidence, perseverance and determination. See, he was never motivated to study, to read or even to apply himself. He got frustrated quickly, gave up easily and seemed to prefer the path of least resistance.

Then, he got into 4th grade. I have never seen him work as hard, striving to get every possible answer correct, ace his quizzes and/or tests or study as diligently. All mind you, without my reminders. So what has changed. A mother must evaluate to determine what shift has moved this boy in the direction I have prayed for him to go in.

A multitude of things has contributed to this change. 4th grade. He is top dog now, as 3rd and 4th are combined in our school. He is no longer in the same class as Thinker, something I always wondered if it stifled him a bit.

He became a Knight of the Altar, something he takes very seriously, up early to serve Mass, shining his shoes, combing his hair and keeping his reference. He moves about the sanctuary with a noble presence and in dutiful service.

And then, there's reward. For almost a year now, he has requested a knife. Yes, I know, a knife. A real one, not some toy, mind you. In working to convince me, he would come up with the multitude of uses for said knife. He could cut small pieces of wood for burning fires in our home, to keep us all warm. He could defend the family if some robber came in the house. He could whittle some animals out of stray wood pieces from the back yard, for his little brother to play with. He could build, play and defend, and probably a few more uses that I can't quite remember.

To all these ideas, Knight's father and I would always answer, "Well, a knife is a serious thing. It takes a lot of responsibility, because someone can get hurt with it. Do you think you are old enough or responsible enough for a knife?"

Our comments and questions always seemed to fall on deaf ears, until I noticed small changes in this young man. He started to take the garbage out without my asking. He began thanking me for making dinner each and every night. He would answer most requests with a "Yes, Mom" and move with purpose on homework and chores. HH and I both noticed these changes in his attitude and actions, and even HH mentioned something to him, "I see you are working on something. I don't know what, but keep it up."

Days after HH made this comment, Knight found me alone, whispered in my ear, "You know what Dad said? I nodded. Well, I am working on something. Do you know?"

I told him I wasn't sure, but that I was so proud to see him taking up responsibility. His huge grin told me everything. He was working to prove himself, prove himself worthy of the responsibility of owning his very own, real knife.

His birthday came and went, and still no knife, and I could see the disappointment in his face, and yet a firm determination to prove himself worthy. He worked harder still. He maintained his grades on High Honor Roll, all the while keeping up his chores, his good manners and helpful nature with his siblings. What age is a good age? Who knows.

What I do know, is that this boy worked for this privilege, proved his maturity and showed his understanding of the dangers this gift presents. Santa will be credited for Knight finally getting a Swiss Army Knife, and that's ok. If Santa sees he is ready, then it must be the right timing for him.

The day after Christmas, while examining all the tools included with the knife, he cut himself. Not deep, not too bad, but enough to need a good sized bandaid. That moment, I wanted to scream and cry, "See! See! He wasn't old enough, he wasn't ready!"

Confident in himself, he simply came to me calmly, showed me the wound, and played it off as no biggie. "I just need a bandaid, Mom, it's nothing, though, just a little cut."

Seeing my son, as this young man in training, I kept my calm, looked him in the eye and said, "Well, now you know, right? Now you know just how careful you need to be, right?"

He nodded as I wrapped his little finger with a bandaid, and as I kissed his head, I said, "I'm proud of you. You earned this gift. You proved yourself. Now, respect the edge of the knife, it will cut you, if you let it."

And off he went.

My little boy is becoming a young man before my very eyes. He worked hard, he earned something he so believed he was ready for. He got hurt, yet, instead of reverting to childish ways, or even tears, he assumed a new role for himself. It's a role filled with masculine elements, a work ethic, and a determination to move forward as he watches his own father demonstrate personal responsibility for his actions.

Just the other day, Knight asked me about the cross on his Swiss Army Knife, clearly the logo this company has chosen for their pocket knives. When I had explained what a logo is, he shrugged his shoulders, and said to me, "Mom, it has to be about Jesus, why else would they choose that out of all the possible choices?"

Good question, my Knight, good question. All I could think to say was, "Well, you did get it for Christmas you know, maybe Jesus is trying to tell you something."

Days such as these remind me of the privilege it truly is to witness my children grow from one stage to the next. They find their own ways to blossom and become who they are meant to be. I sit and wonder, where the years have gone, when I can, in a instant be back to a time when this Knight had a fever as a baby, and we snuggled together for hours on the couch, as I rubbed his back and kissed tiny hairs on his head.

He is assuming a kind of man-hood. And this knife, this gift, is a concrete recognition of that assumption. He can look to this, and know, he worked for it, he earned it, he built a reputation of responsibility and maturity: both traits necessary for a Man In The Making.

Limits and Worth

2012-01-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

Many times I have mentioned moving into a new chapter in our family's life. The kids are growing fast, even Babe is turning four years old in a few short months. Life is certainly easier in a lot of ways, no diapers to change, babies to nurse or heavy car seats to lug here and there. We are sleeping through the night, we are eating together as a family, no more baby food jars, no more high chairs or sippy cups.

Where have those days gone?

When Mom is in the thick of these things, it seems like we'll never get out of it. We imagine this is our state in life, this perpetual high demand of laborious tasks, with our energy tank at near empty again and again. It becomes a way of life. We adjust, our bodies even get used to living on less and less sleep. We make a certain peace with this way of life, and it's hard to imagine a time when it will be behind us.

I didn't see this day coming, just as I am sure most Moms can't see beyond the many details we are consumed with.

And here I am, with a bit of sadness and a bit of joy. I see God's wisdom in moving us all forward into the next chapter, I can see a beauty in this time of a family's life, where focus can shift, sharpen and move us all beyond sleepless nights and baby gear.

And it begs the question....what now?

There are many opportunities, many areas that need time and attention whether outside the home or inside it. I find an array opening up, I see many ways to find myself again, those hobbies, those creative outlets that I had to neglect in order to tend to my babies.

I admit, perhaps I threw myself into projects full force, looking for ways to grow on personal, creative and spiritual levels. The past six months or so have definitely taught me lessons on all fronts. There was one lesson, indeed, that I wasn't quite prepared for, being consumed with family for so long, babies and the endless list of demands.

See, being a Stay at Home Mom can be very isolating, and we do reach out as best we can to find support, encouragement and adult conversation to keep sanity. But the lesson I learned was about mingling with other women. I've been consumed with outside the home projects the past six months, volunteering and such, and generally whenever working side by side with other women, I have had few issues to contend with.....save one.

I abhor drama. I can't stand competition. I avoid gossip, cattiness, and overall anything that detracts from the mission at hand. I've taken a few days to review the past six months. I've spent time evaluating what exactly was going on, if I but read between the lines. If I was a bit more competitive, if I was a bit more savvy in business strategies, if I was a bit more aggressive, then I would have seen what was happening right before my eyes.

I admit it, I allowed myself to be blinded. I put on those rose-colored glasses in the attempt to be more accepting, more tolerant and overall the nice-guy. There is a reason nice-guys finish last. I see that. I was ill-equipped to handle the games and the politics that got thrown my way. I assumed being in Catholic circles that the back-bitting wouldn't exist, that our Christian Charity would win the day.

I was wrong. I witnessed more jocking for position and reputation that I have ever seen in any of my business work days. I heard women tear each other apart. I saw game playing, strategic tactics and overall a sense that I just didn't belong.

I consider myself to be simple. Maybe that's the problem. I see things on a simple level, not looking for advancement, as I have no needs outside my home. My home needs me, my children need me, my husband needs me. I have no need to be in a spot light. I have little desire to constantly diffuse situations, tempers or emotional outbursts.

And now I know why. And just like who God made me to be: simple, the answer of 'why' is simple too.

I don't find my value outside my family. I don't find my value in volunteer projects. I don't look for validation from other school Moms. I don't search out approval. I stopped that long ago, when I realized my own worth, and where it really came from.

My worth comes from God. My value comes from God. He gave me this life, these children, this husband. For sure, I know that. He gave me my vocation, which is Wife and Mother. I gave myself the endless list of to dos, negativity and drama that came with my outside the home endeavours. Did He want me to learn something here? For sure. Always.

And the lesson did not escape me. I learned what my limits are, and where my value lies. And those two things are paramount. They are more important than I ever imagined. So many women lack these two things, finding limits and finding value.

I saw myself choose again and again the drama over my limit, choosing the drama over my own value as a mother. I told myself I was doing God's work, and so no matter the suffering, it was worth it. No matter what excuses I told myself, it was more important. God can pick times to show us something that might hurt us a little, but in the long run, helps us focus where we are truly needed the most.

Am I to gain the world, yet lose my own soul, or the souls of my family members? Is our first job the one He gave us, not the ones we choose for ourselves? My first job as wife and mother wasn't done. It will never be. Yes, we are out of the diaper stage, or making ice cube trays of baby food. The job changes, evolves into something new.

I misunderstood that. I can admit it. I saw freedom, adult interaction and temptations, and rationalized everything I could in order for them to make the most sense. And a few days of recollection allows for clarity like I haven't seen in a long while. I can make excuses no more. We all have limits. And finally I can put pride aside, and see I have reached mine.

I have made decisions for this 2012 year. And I know God expects me to see them through. I will finish my commitment being true to my word, yet I know what the future will hold now. Of course, the specifics may change, but the guides of how I will live it, is mapped. And how can I map it?

Because I have learned yet again, my limit and my worth. Those two things are huge. More than huge, they are guides given to me by God, to be a better Mother, to be a better Wife, to be what He has called me to be.

And He doesn't call everyone into politics. He doesn't call everyone into the drama or negativity that I have endured. He doesn't call us into evil situations. It exists, yes, and we must work to battle it. I know that. But what I have done was to put my family into the cross hairs, and that is something I refuse to do any longer. I may have been battling evil, but I never intended to pass the baton to my little ones to fight it too. They aren't ready, they aren't strong enough. But one day they will be, because I will have been there to build their weapons, to strengthen their Faith in God, to guide them, to love them.

We all fall victim to making mistakes every now and again. I know I have made mistakes, I know others have too. The only thing I know, is that I will pick myself back up, as I can see having met my limit. And this requires me to pray, discern God and re-orientate myself and my true worth as a daughter of God. The littleness of being His daughter and the grandeur of being His princess. He needs me to do the job He gave me. He needs my five little soldiers to be prepared to face the world. Who will prepare them?

It's me. God choose me.

And I pray I don't let Him down.

Small Successes Friday

2012-01-06T06:32:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since posting.  Time escapes me daily it seems, however, I can find a few minutes to count my small victories, as they all add up! Pat yourself on the back every now and again, we are all doing great work!

1.) Confrontational phone call. Held my ground, kept my cool, cried afterwards.  Seeing a struggling soul is God's way to teach us compassion and gratitude. He schooled me.

2.) Spent serious time quizzing children in spelling words this week. Wow. Tough ones like 'chronological' even challenged me!

3.) Plans changed about ten different times this week.  What I had envisioned will not be the case. I think God has a few chuckles when I show Him my ideas.

In Progress:
4.) Painting plans!!

Small Successes are now hosted over at Chocolate for Your Brain.

A Christmas Tradition - Oplatki

2011-12-30T18:59:00.000-08:00

Most Polish will know this one, this thin wafer symbolizing a long standing, tradition done at Christmastime: Oplatki. Ever since the very first Christmas that I spent with my dear HH's family, I have lived this familial tradition, and with it, stages of my own emotional reaction to it.

For those of you interested in incorporating something new into your Christmas, this tradition begins with a rectangle shaped wafer, usually having some image of the Nativity on the surface. Each person breaks off a small piece of another's while at the same time wishing or praying for some grace or virtue for God to bestow upon them.

My husband's family has always included some additional feature to this process, just prior to a prayer or wish, is the recognition of some gift the other has....something admirable. In teaching my children how to participate each year, we remind them, "Say something you love about them, then what you wish for them, and then break a piece off and eat the small bit of wafer."

Each child, so unique had something so special to say to both me and my HH, it nearly brought me to tears. As the groups of families mingle to find others to share Oplatki with, the tradition remains, however something unique and interesting tends to happen when it's between adult men and women.

There can be a great healing that can happen, as through out a whole year's worth of interactions, who knows whose feelings got hurt, or some small disagreement went un-dealth with. I say 'can be' as it is possible to go through the motions of this Christmas tradition with the standard blurb of "Yes, I wish you health and happiness, yadda, yadda".

Anyone can go through the motions, but the loss is theirs. I've been doing this tradition, at the start so foreign to me, yet now, 15 years later, recognizing a great gift a tender moment with another individual can really be.

It can heal.

Not many things in our day can heal a wounded heart. And these moments between two people who may not even be close friends, though called family, can begin something special, unique and healing for past pain.

Imagine having to tell someone that you struggle to admire, what characteristic of theirs you love....and then state the wish or prayer you have for them in the New Year. It helps to love an individual, that might be hard to love....All you need is one little thing that you can point to, to say, "Yep, that's something I love about them, I can admire, I can learn from." And what happens?

Their heart can be healed in some way, and then mine can be too. I can then speak a little kinder, a little softer, a little more compassionate and loving, as I just spoke words of love to them. It's a beautiful tradition, but it wasn't and isn't still, always met with such eager anticipation.

Early in our marriage, having normal difficulties combining two families, made this tradition very stressful, very difficult and tied my stomach into new kinds of pretzel knots. It always brought me to tears, always had me hearing things that I felt were exaggerated, or it always had me saying nice things to individuals, who were driving me crazy the other 364 days of the year. It was tough.

Over the years, out of love for my husband, I have participated and given this tradition of Oplatki chance after chance, to impress me, to show me why it was necessary to say this or that, or make this wish or prayer for another. Why? I wanted to know.

This year in particular, I think I just might have found the why of such a long-standing family tradition.

It heals. Not in dramatic ways, but in subtle ones. And healing of past unintentional hurts is something that usually goes unaddressed. We expect to just 'get over it', or 'let it go', or 'forgive without needing apology' and all that jazz.

This Oplatki allows a moment of forgiveness, even without the 'I'm sorry', as it's implied in the process. Looking a little deeper into this Christmas tradition, leaves me with a sincere desire to bring more ways of forgiveness into our home, whether subtle or not, it's necessary to have a loving home.

Forgiveness is necessary for Love.

pic credit: oplatki.com

My little Babe so darling, puts this all into perspective, as he said to me, "Momma, I like you because you hold my hand, and keep me from hurts from cars."

What does that simple statement do for me? All the times I had to run ahead, grab his hand and negotiate the reasons for him to stay by my side in parking lots....well, it was all worth it, for this little man to recognize that I did that for him and his safety. And you know what, his statement will motivate me for years to keep up my quicker walking pace to keep up with him and yet again, grab his hand, negotiate the reasons for my demand, and even discipline when necessary to ensure his safety.

That's the power of Oplatki.

And that's what I learned this year participating once again, as I tore small wafer pieces off another's, we can let go, we can be motivated, once we face a true reality.

And so while I can't necessarily expect each reader here to pick up this new tradition of Oplatki, what I do challenge you with, is the nuts and bolts of it into the New Year. Instead of a New Year's resolution, which is all too many times, self serving, consider this: Tell people around you what you admire in them, and be sincere in what you choose. And tell people too, what you wish for them, or what you pray for them, and then actually remember to pray for those people.

It can change your life and those around you, perhaps not in dramatic ways, but in subtle ones, and slowly, if you live your life appreciating all those around you, things do change, because YOU have changed.

And really, that's the only person you have control over, anyway.

May God bless you in this New Year with a great sense of gratitude for His many gifts.

Small Successes Friday

2011-12-23T07:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's almost Christmas....two days away, and so much has been done in preparation, but I still need Small Successes as they remind me the why and how. With each small victory, it all adds up, one at a time, small chunks into one huge WIN!

1.) Made Christmas candies and goodies.

2.) Taught budgeting lesson to four oldest children and helped them wrap.

3.) Did laundry.

In Progress:

4.) Christmas outfit discernment.

Have some to share. Go here! And Merry Christmas to you!

Best Line of the Week - Christmas Edition

2011-12-22T15:13:00.000-08:00

After teaching a budgeting lesson to my oldest four children.....

Mom: So, after you all spent your piggy bank money to buy some gifts, what have you learned about Christmas shopping?

Knight: IT'S EXPENSIVE!

Mom: Yes, good point. Anyone else?

Thinker: You have to be smart in what you are buying.

Entertainer: That it's hard to spend the money!

Mom: Yes, that's right too. Anyone else?

Serious: That I love my family more than I love money.

A Soft Place to Land

2011-12-16T09:22:00.000-08:00

A recent conversation with a fellow school Mom had me thinking....

She said, while she may be stressed out, overwhelmed at the Christmas season and all that she must do to be prepared, she insisted that her goal is and has always been, to be a "soft place to land".

I nodded in agreement as I understand how this month can get a tad crazy, and it IS overwhelming to ensure all in the home, not only understand the miracle of Christmas, but to bring to life all the nuances that create those special Christmas memories.

She said, even in the craziness, she knows what her family still needs, and it's a place to come home to that is love, that is acceptance, that is comfort. Her "soft place to land" was her home, was her own softer demeanor, her own love and willing arms to comfort.

I sat and thought about that for a while.

Am I a "soft place to land" for my family to come home to? Am I accepting of who they are, willing to embrace even the weaknesses that can drive me crazy? Am I loving and sincere and a cushion when the world can break their heart?

How I prepare my home for Christmas is simply the external witness of how I prepare my heart for this season. Am I ready to be a "soft place" for even the Baby Jesus to rest?

On this day, we celebrate my Serious' birthday, 8 years old. And as 8 years old marks the age of First Communions and celebrating the gift that is the Eucharist, I sit, today, with a few minutes I have for reflection and realize, a culmination of pieces to a puzzle.

This Christmas season we celebrate the gift of life, human and divine. We celebrate, too the possibility of our eternal life, now that Jesus has been born. We, also, celebrate Serious' life, her birthday, and in a special way, I can see such wisdom in the timing of things.

She is preparing her heart too, for Jesus in the Eucharist, a "soft place for Him", as she continues to go regularly to confession and early morning Mass with her brother. She amazes me, as she takes her first bold steps in taking charge over her own soul, not even with a shred of trepidation. She is confident and sure, and I absolutely love that gift she owns.

She's a thoughtful girl, deep in her actions, and always ready to set herself aside. And today, we celebrate her, the gift that she has been to our lives..... As I make more efforts to be a softer place for those around me, I learn from my daughter, as she has prepared a delicate manger, each piece of her heart layed out for the Baby King to rest His head upon.

Lord, I pray this day, this year, that you bless our little girl with countless gifts of grace, that she may always know the One who will never set her aside, who will never leave her, never abandon her, and will join her in a few short weeks, in living a human existence. Take this child, Lord, for I know you have great plans for her. I, as her mother, shred my heart for her, so that she too, has a soft place to land.

A Birthday Trifecta

2011-12-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

Oh, how my mind imagines such a joyful Advent, such a time of waiting, anticipating and hearing the carols to bring my mind into the Christmas Season. I can picture leisurely afternoons of decorating Christmas cookies and enjoying every minute of the painstakingly long process of decorating the house, each tinsel thread so delicately hung with care. I imagine the excitement building as my husband and I sit by the fire, telling stories to our children of the coming Baby Jesus.

I see it all, so perfectly calculated in my mind's eye, and yet, I am always surprised when it doesn't happen just so. The past three weeks of Advent, have been rushed, crossing things off a to-do list, and one by one, realizing there just isn't enough hours in the day to accomplish it all.

It is a busy month, there is no doubt. The long lines in the stores prove the point, that we all scurry here and there to accomplish all our set out goals for Christmas. This month for us, we celebrate two of our little girls' birthdays as well, and already we find weeks passing in Advent without our nativity set up yet, without a Christmas tree, without ornaments to gaze at or Holy Family statuettes to be inspired by.

Certainly, it shouldn't take these things to set the mood of the season. Advent is waiting, I get that, however, in all the bustle, I started to lose the point of it all. I started to be one of the people who run from here to there, without really living the reason for all the work I was doing. It was work to do work, not thinking of the why.

And then it hit me....I NEED those nativity sets out with the baby Jesus missing to contemplate the scene, think about the reality of what we are all waiting for. I NEED the tree up, decorated with our families ornaments, the ones that say "First Baby's Christmas" or some home made treasure that my 1st grader made last year. I NEED to smell the pine, see the lights and pass by a few empty mangers to get it all into perspective.

Now, we normally wait until after Serious' birthday before putting up the tree, working to be considerate of both girls' birthdays and not allow them to be overshadowed. Recently I had a great chat with a fellow Mom at school, who commented that Christmas must seem so short for us, as we wait so long. I agreed with her, it is short, the tree is up and then down in the span of only two weeks most years, in that effort to balance birthdays with Christmas. She then talked about her own birthday being close to Christmas, and never found herself resentful of the holiday. She said, it was always special, that she had her own special day, but with a bonus, all the additional decorations and goodies always made her feel especially blessed to have her birthday in the month of December.

Wow. I never looked at it that way. I've seen first hand in my own family how a December birthday, close to Christmas, can be overshadowed, can be sacrificed on some level in order to embrace the Christmas season. But I had never seen it as this fellow Mom had put it to me. If a parent makes a point to make that birthday girl feel special, then all the rest is extra, not competition.

And that made sense. This Advent being a bit crazy, trying to fit it all in, and taking into account this fellow Mom's perspective, I started to talk with HH about a possible new strategy in dealing with December birthdays and Christmas.

I started to notice my own other children's disappointment that no decorations had been put up yet, how even my Serious asked to get our tree up and decorated, how Entertainer loved the planning involved in Christmas gift giving. They have been raised in a home that would never let a birthday go by without special fan-fare, but also have been raised in a home where we look to the deeper meaning of Christmas often, contemplate the reason for all the hubba-baloo, and believe deeply in the gift that God gave to us, in His Son.

I, especially, noticed how I wasn't the only one who needed to see the tangible elements of Christmas, to feel and live the spirit of this time of year.  We decorate to remind us of the 'whys' we do all that we do.  We put out nativities to have physical reminders of why we are generous, why we give a bit more, try a little more, or love a little deeper.  It's not always easy to give when we don't feel like it. But at Christmas we remember our little gifts for others, are for a greater purpose, a larger mission.

I am seriously considering leaving our nativities all year round.  We should always have reminders around us to silently speak to us, to show us ultimately why we do what we do, to soften our hearts to keep us alert and ready at all times.

Some of us are more visual in our needs, and shifting our focus from the to-dos to the blessings of such a season has not only changed a few hearts in this house, it has made us happier, more compassionate, and light hearted.  This weekend, we spent time and prepared our home and hearts for the coming of God's gift to us. We looked over and gazed into the ornaments of the past, wondered at the empty mangers and talked over how even Santa goes to pray before the newborn King before handing out his gifts.

So, did we sit by the fire, drink the hot cocoa, watch the snow fall, while discussing the theology of such a season? No, we didn't, and maybe we won't get there. I don't know.  What I do know, is that we took time together as a family. I talked with Babe before bedtime to ask him where the Baby Jesus was. His answer, so sweet, "I don't know, Momma".

"He's coming, soon. Soon it will be His birthday, He was a little boy just like you. Do you know that?"

Babe answers, "Momma, I'm big boy. I not a baby!"

My first reflection this Advent, comes via this little three year old little boy, who reminded me what little boys are like....and how Our Lady must have found little ways to teach about God. Mary must have found a kind of balance in her own family life, to not only celebrate but to teach and contemplate herself, the deeper meanings behind it all. She must have, in order to not only live it, but infuse her family with it.

So, some times, it does begin with us, as the Mothers of our homes. If we are scattered, then so is everyone else. If we are focused, and centered, then it transmits to those around us. It's a gift and a responsibility to set the tone of our homes. Let it begin this Advent. Let it begin with us.

As we sing our "Happy Birthday" to our little girls in only a few short days, it brings to all our minds, just how grateful we are to have the gift of life. It's a gift, that God had a hand in, so intimately, so delicately, and how even He lived the human experience, born of a woman, so helpless and defenseless. And ultimately His mission is ours too, to obey and live the Will of the Father.

May this Advent be a time of waiting, and living the celebration of life, grateful for breath in our lungs, food on our table, and a Savior willing to be born, to suffer, to die, in order that we might have true and eternal life.

Small Successes Thursday

2011-12-08T06:56:00.000-08:00

So, I typed up three different blog posts and haven't been back to insert a pic or hit that darn 'publish' button. I think I'll stick to Small Successes, today: it's short and sweet and perfect for the craziness that December always brings. Count them up folks, our small wins do add up.

1.) Found "Guest At The Inn" costume for Thinker and three "Shepherd" costumes for my kiddos Christmas production. Filtering through Halloween goul to find a guest and shepherds was depressing to say the least....but done in time. Woo - hoo!

2.) After gaining a few for Thanksgiving treats, lost them again with a disciplined diet, no time for exercise as of late. All set for Christmas candies and cookies!

3.) Suffered through a series of migraines, couldn't sleep, eat or think. So what's the success? I figured out the problem and am working to fix it. A debilitated Mom = A debilitated Family.

In Progress:
4.) Finding quiet time to prepare myself for the Coming Christ.

Do you have some to share? Small Successes are now hosted over at Chocolate for Your Brain! Tell me you don't just love that title! Now, go pat yourself on the back.

First Sacrament Emboldens

2011-12-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

My Little Serious just had her First Reconciliation Tuesday night, and while we've been through this before with two older children, something new hit me this time as we waited for her turn to reconcile herself and her soul with God.

This Sacrament, so beautifully timed in a child's life, is probably going to be the first they remember, as Baptism usually happens while they are still babies. Reconciliation, timed in the 2nd grade, not only has the spiritual dimension of the cleansing of the soul, which I in no means am minimizing...it also brings the children closer into the Church, closer into the community of Faith as well as face to face with the reality of their mistakes. It affects the whole Church, and while they might not see it, this Sacrament starts the steps of children taking the charge over their own soul.

Parents will guard the innocence and dignity of this little person for so long, for my Serious almost 8 years now, and while I fully understand my job is not complete, I can see how this First Confession begins in a real way, in the psyche of this child, a new responsibility, a new maturity and an awareness of consequence. It's as if this Sacrament emboldened her.

This morning, and every Thursday morning, my Knight rises early, and gets to school to serve morning Mass, before school begins. This morning was the first time, my Serious got up early, ate quickly, brushed her hair all on her own in order to go to Mass with Knight. Her choice.

Remembering how past Thursdays went, and her disinterest in morning Mass, I asked my Serious, "Did you get going early to go to Mass this morning?"

She simply nodded and said, "Yep, I want to go."

You can't tell me that is co-incidence. You can't tell me that God isn't working in her, and through her, with the grace she obtained on Tuesday night, confessing her sins, doing her penance and through the many prayers offered on her behalf. She is responding to God's grace, and as a parent, as a Mom, it brings to life all that we teach and push for every day.

We encourage the kids to pray, or to sing in Mass, or to be reverent or any of these things, and sometimes, yes, it feels like we are going through the motions, without really seeing, tangibly, the results. Well, today, I see this little reward as a gift. As thankless as this job of Mother is sometimes, when I see God's grace moving and working in my very own child, it is that motivating factor that keeps me getting up in the morning. I can see my little Serious open and growing and maturing in small ways, and it keeps me tending to that soil, to keep it ready and fertile for God to work.

Isn't that the greatest joy of Motherhood? Tell me if I'm wrong. I see so many times Moms get frustrated at not seeing the results of hard work, of education, formation or the endless hours we put in. And it's true, we may not for a long time....but what we are doing, is readying that little soul, preparing him/her to receive God in yes, Sacraments, but also each and every day that they must discern and make good choices. Sometimes, if you look hard enough, you will see these little rewards of a child taking up a cross, making the difficult choice in the right direction, or simply giving of themselves in ways you didn't expect...and let me tell you, this is the fruit of the work Moms are doing. Moms can bring children step by step into the fullness of participation with God.

And it's one of those 'three steps forward, two steps back' type of progress sometimes. Kids are willful, strong, disobedient and sometimes, tough to handle. However, it is our perseverance that can pay off dividends in the end, if we keep fighting that good fight, even without reward, even with resistance, we know, deep down we are doing the great work that God wants for us to do. He needs us to do it. For our children, for their souls, and you know what, for ours too. This work sanctifies us in ways we don't expect, however, beautiful or ugly we get there, IF we get there, that's the most important.

And as a Mom, if I can set that first example for them, for my little cherubs, all five, to see it is possible, it is real, it is God's plan, then they too, will know it is possible, it is real, and it is God's plan for them too. And they need that confidence, they need that grace from God to propel them.

Let us Mothers tend the soil. Again. And again. And again. God will bless you for it, as His work in them will yield the greatest of fruit with readied hearts and souls and minds.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-23T18:15:00.000-08:00

So many times, I find myself writing a post on gratitude, and how perfect that once again, I sit to type out something and it revolves around this mysteriously hidden virtue, right at the perfect holiday: Thanksgiving.

Most of today, was bliss, truly. School is out, projects are complete, and today, I became reacquainted with my kitchen. I just couldn't stop myself. It was is if my Stove and I were long lost friends that I got the chance to sip some tea with and re-live the past few months, laugh and finally settle past neglect, with new vigor and resolve to never allow the busy world to come in between us again.

So I pushed my old friend today, The Stove and my KitchenAid, for Thanksgiving treats and kid friendly deserts in preparation for the big day of gratitude. The kids played board games, Babe even made domino's to knock down all the while accompanied by squeals of glee. It was a day to come back together, as for a while now, we've gone our separate ways, passing each other to check homework and a quick kiss on the cheek at bedtime.

And then HH called and rocked my heart with some tragically sad news, which I hope and pray can't be true. A dear friend's brother may be suffering from a kind of quick acting cancer, and this dear friend has had numerous family and friends suffer and lost to varied kinds of the deadly disease. This latest news, hit so close to home for him, and for HH and honestly for me too.

I barely knew the individual involved, however what struck me was not so much cancer itself, which it should of course, what struck me was the age of this young man to be (perhaps) slowly losing his life. Twenty-eight. That's a number. 28. 28 years old. What was I doing at that age? My Serious was born that year. My third child had blessed our home and we were high, it felt literally, on life. That same year, we discovered God in His wisdom had blessed our clan with yet another pregnancy, as little Entertainer was being formed in this womb of mine....and while yes, a little stressed out at the thought of Irish twins, I did find consolation in learning how to trust.

But this young man, a life barely lived. Not married, no kids. Not that those things completely make a life, but certainly waiting for those gifts in life puts things into perspective. Waiting for those kinds of commitments, perhaps is a blessing, as he will not leave a young wife, and one or two small children as well. Perhaps it's the opposite, he waited too long for a family, and now it's too late. Who knows. Deciphering God seems useless at times, during tragic news like this, as we once again recognize we aren't the ones in control. We aren't the ones calling the shots. We are human, and as much as we like to believe we are the god of our own little worlds, we are reminded in moments such as these that only God knows the plans He has for us all. And our humanity reminds us of our frailty, our weaknesses, our dependence on God for all things.

As we struggle to know the proper response to these friends, what to say, what to do, what is the right thing, I also mentally prepare for Thanksgiving Mass tomorrow morning. In a world that is always eager for the 'more' that life can bring, tomorrow, we look to the simple things in life, yes, good health that God has blessed our family with, and give all the glory and honor to the only One in charge, the only One who indeed, rules the world.

Just a Thought for the Day

2011-11-22T16:41:00.000-08:00

"...the most frequent obstacle to grace is a lack of forgiveness. Forgiving our enemies is possibly the hardest Gospel precept. We must forgive with our whole heart, leaving all resentment behind; pray for those who harmed us; and take the first step toward reconciliation. These are hard tests of our resolve."

"Today's permissiveness has clouded many consciences, especially on this topic. Someone else may be carrying the weight of former grave sins, for which they have insufficiently repented or made reparation, even though the sins were confessed (for instance, abortion). These, and more, are obstacles to divine grace and block the progress of liberation."

author: Amorth

Small Successes Thursday

2011-11-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

What? Am I on the right day this week? See, miracles do happen everyday! Here's what's been keepin' my feet movin'.

1.) Did final revisions on a printing project. Should be complete by tomorrow. What a relief!

2.) Read two chapters of a book. A good book. Made me think of how God has really blessed this family of ours, and challenged me to not complain of the little things.

3.) Exercised. That's huge, I've fallen off the wagon in my workout routine.

In Progress:
4.) Really, by now, I am sure you can guess it. Laundry.

Small Successes are hosted by Chocolate for Your Brain, stop over!

Human Touch in a High Tech World

2011-11-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

I had something happen the exact day my Thinker had something happen at school. It was almost like daughter imitating mother for a while there, and the whole thing gave me pause, as if God, in His wisdom, had orchestrated the whole thing in order to teach me such a valuable lesson. That yes, indeed, my children do watch me, they do learn from me and I have a responsibility to stay consistent with what I teach them. Do as I preach. Yikes. These kids test me.

Emailing is quite a modern advancement that at times, I admit I lean on too often. It keeps me from engaging in long conversations, that I have no time for anyway. It keeps me focused, on target and getting my to dos done. I've seen recently that I need to take more time for calls, that's tough, however, I do see how relationships advance quicker and smoother when there is a voice on the other line or a face to see.

In a moment of frustration I sent a cranky email. I even at the end, said so! And then justified my crankiness, by giving some lame excuse of this or that, when clearly I could have just hit the delete button and avoided the whole crank of my word choice. Immediately after hitting send, I took a moment to look myself in the mirror. Is this how I want to treat people? Do I want to hide behind the veil of typed up pixels on a screen instead of confronting the issue head on?

No. I didn't like what I saw there.

Time to man up...or woman up I guess. I walked back to my computer screen and did what every person hates to do, pick up the phone and try to soften the harshness of my last digital correspondence.

Ugh.

So I contacted the individual and quickly apologized for what she would be reading in a few short minutes. I promised next time to simply call first and work it out, rather than send something that could hurt feelings. She was surprisingly understanding and also working on her end with the exact frustrations I was having.

Then I went to school and picked up my kiddos. My Thinker got into the car, upset, frustrated with some misunderstanding between her best girlfriends and feelings got hurt. My Thinker was sure her friends would call and apologize that day for their behavior, yet hours passed, and no phone call. I prepared her though, as I wanted to use this prime opportunity to teach a very valuable lesson.

"Honey, prepare yourself. Yes, they should apologize, but it's hard to do, so if they do call, be ready to forgive. It's not easy to be quick with forgiveness, but we are called to always be ready to forgive, and not hold grudges. It's what God does for us. He's always ready, and we should be too."

Through her tears, I hoped and prayed her friends would, indeed call, and mend this wounded heart.

Alas, bedtime was nearing and no phone calls. Of her own initiative, she came to me and asked to call each of her own girlfriends in order to clear it all up, and start fresh for a new day the very next day. I mentioned it again, "Be ready to mend fences, own up to what you might have done wrong and say your apology, and if they say they are sorry too, be ready, quick with your forgiveness, and then let this go."

She made her calls, just like the brave girl I hoped to see in her. They all apologized and my Thinker resumed her friendships the very next day. I was proud of her, she was determined to resolve the conflict quickly and clear the situation up before anymore time went by and complicated the matter.

Happily, that night she skipped off to bed, I like to think, happy that she confronted the situation and had a great outcome. I saw a new maturity in her, an ability to lead her girlfriends in new relationship building ways.

How daughters will imitate mothers. Now my children weren't even home to witness my call to action, however, perhaps the method that we live our lives is somehow being absorbed into my children. She was bold when it was needed, and empathetic when necessary.

I can't explain how we have taught that over the years. I can't say. All I know for sure is that we do often look to the example the Jesus has set for us, and used those exact bible stories in these situations to either own up to our own faults, or be ready to forgive the faults of others.

She's also her own person with strengths and weaknesses, and this could very well be her strength, getting to the bottom of a situation, wanting to clear up confusion and make amends quickly and easily. It could just be who God made her to be.

But this is the beauty of being a Mom witnessing my own children's gifts. They inspire me to be better, confront difficulties head on, be unafraid and ready to forgive. How can I teach it and not yet do it myself?

Kids have a way to keep us authentic, true to ourselves and what we claim to be. They have this ability, their innocent way of asking us questions, challenging our own behaviors, or setting an example for us, that forces us to look into the mirror, and gauge ourselves. Do I measure up? Have I let myself down with my own lack of virtue?

This is an incident that I want to keep as another little treasure of gold in my back pocket. I want to remember this day as a priceless gem that I can pull out at any given moment of her weaknesses or mine in order to right the ship, in order to prove her bravery, in order to demonstrate her leadership qualities. We all need reminders sometimes of the good we have done, so we know we are capable, we know we have that power in our hands, of doing good, or not.

Digital communications are just that, digital. They lack the empathy and compassion necessary for true relationship building. You can't hear their voice, you can't see their face. No, I am not ready to swear off digital methods of communicating, however, when fences need to be mended, or confusion resolved, there's nothing like the human element of the sound of a person's voice or the look in their eyes. We are human. Digital screens don't change that. While helpful and moving us to be more efficacious in our work, we must never forget the other person on the other end, needing to hear us, see us, and ultimately bridging the gap in this high tech world.

Small Successes Thursday

2011-11-10T06:26:00.000-08:00

Time to count up those little victories. They add up to one BIG win!

1.) Handed over three projects I was managing. Yes. Three. Trained and passed them on. It's bitter sweet, but now have more time for my little Babe.

2.) Witnessed God working in another's life. It was surreal. You rarely see moments where people are overwhelmed at God's mercy and love.

3.) Helped four kids do art and photography projects for school art contest.

In Progress:

4.) Finishing one more project this week for final printing next week. My plate is finally clearing off.

Small Successes are hosted at Chocolate for Your Brain. Head over and share your own!

Facebook Apologies

2011-11-08T08:29:00.000-08:00

I tell you, over the years, I have had my issues with Facebook. In this world of ours, it seemed to only facilitate narcissism, online bullies and inappropriate dialog. I am the first skeptic and will probably be the last. However, a recent event on Facebook has me rethinking things a bit.

Back in my college days, I had my fair share of roommates....and when I think of it, I never really did have one good one out of the six or so I went through. My roommates were neither friends nor friendly for the most part, and while they were consumed with parties, drinking and boys, my mind was on the love of my life, finishing college so I could marry him. My life during college years was more goal-oriented, and driven. Theirs was not. I have thought and prayed for these women over the years, hoping that God in His wisdom will look after them, and guide them to where He wants them to be.

And that was it. I let it all go. I let go the late night parties in my apartment. I let go the hours I would have to clean up after them. I let go my roommates going through my dresser drawers, using whatever they found. I let go the boys that would be banging on my front door all hours of the day and night, simply so these girls could play their games of heartbreak. I even let go the day I found pot growing in my roommates bedroom by her window. I said goodbye to those awful days, and said hello to my new found life with my husband, our new beginning.

I never thought I'd ever hear from these ladies ever again. I found gratitude when thinking back to those moments, that I had my HH to be there, talking sense into me, and encouraging me to finish and graduate so we could be together.

Then, yesterday. I had a friend request and went online to confirm it. Then, I clicked around a bit, as I rarely have time to spend on FB. And I saw a message from back in August, from one of these college gals who found me again.

It was a twilight zone for me. I couldn't believe my eyes, as I read what she wrote to me. Knowing, she would never be a fan or follower of this blog, I feel comfortable in posting what she wrote:

Hello ------, I hope that you are well. I'm pretty sure you remember me as a dark spot at the end of college. The way I behaved has been bothering me for the longest time, especially since I've never found the opportunity to apologize. I'm glad that I was able to find you on here. I'm really sorry that I was acting so immaturely and hope that you can forgive me for my childish and rude behavior. Best Regards -------

Let me tell you, this one gal, did start as a friend, a truly intellectually gifted girl who had a four year scholarship, and would've breeze through in only three years. She was smart, I mean, really smart. She graduated two years early from high school. She was only 16 when starting college. Studying always came easy for her, and I thought for sure, we'd get along, she'd even inspire me to work harder. Unfortunately, it wasn't the case. She began friendships with a daily drug users, beginning with pot, and moving to more serious drugs as time went on. She began to cut class, then drop out completely. She joked one day with me, "You know, I hope when you see me on the street, begging for money, you'll be kind."

I didn't know what to say, but I wanted to challenge her and I said, "I'm not sure. I'll know you, and the opportunities you had at your finger tips, that you blew away. You did it to yourself."

Her life took drastic turns as money became the issue to gain her next drug fix, and she resorted to "massage" parlors where she waited for a phone call before going to work, just in case the police had showed up. Her career escalated from there, working at gentleman's clubs, where more money would often lead to prostitution.

I cried for this girl. You hear these stories, and can't believe it actually happens. Well it does. I saw it before my very eyes. She lost her own mother to cervical cancer when she was a very young girl, and without her mother, to guide her, she fell, and she fell hard.

I had to get away from this environment. It was dangerous, and I did fear her circle of friends, whenver they visited. I spent more and more time at my own work, asking for more waitressing shifts, or spending time in the University library. Upon graduating I moved out quickly, and waited the next few short months to be my HH's bride. Like I said, college years was put all behind me.

Society would have us believe that "It's too late to apologize", even popular songs sing about it.... and yes, my instinct is to reject her, this woman who reeked havoc in my life. I want to scream at her, for letting her life slip by her, for years of making bad choices, for hurting people in her life and mine. I want to push this message to the edges of a cliff and demand more, demand those years back, demand the respect I never saw from her. I want to be angry at her. But I can't. I can't demand those things, it's impossible. Do I want to hurt her, even now?

No. I don't. I see my life now, I see new levels of gratitude for how God must have protected me and my life back then. I see with wiser eyes.

And so I thought long and hard about a good response for her, on FB. Perhaps her life is changed. Perhaps a 12 step program has her finding people from her past, to apologize, to own up to what happened, to ask for forgiveness. How could I begrudge her in her own attempts at healing? So, here's what I typed out:

Hi --------Gosh had I seen this message back in August I surely would have replied then! I have weird security controls on this FB and it never notifies me of a message. Of course, I remember you, and this note is really appreciated, I never thought I'd ever hear from you. I would never reject an apology, and so if it helps give you any peace, please know, all is forgiven, and has been for many years. Life is too short to hold grudges. I hope you are doing well in life, you deserve good things, take care, ------

What happens from here, who knows. Probably nothing. If I gave her any peace, about the past, like I said, then I feel good about it. It does make you think, the timing of things. That message had been there since the summer and I never saw it. Perhaps I wouldn't have been as forgiving, not sure. But I do believe God has a timing for things, and for her, perhaps a message of hope and healing will help her move forward, give her a kind of closure (if that's not too cliche).

And then I think of Facebook. Would she have been able to find me otherwise? Nothing has my maiden name on it anymore, she never would have found me. She never would have been able to give her apology. I never would have been able to tell her, things were let go of long ago. I never would have been able to tell her, it's over, it's forgiven. And hearing that, can be extremely powerful in a person's life. Perhaps she can move an inch in the right direction and in the end, isn't that one inch more important than miles and miles in the wrong one?

Lord, you put people in our path for reasons unknown to us, sometimes. I hope to be an example of what real forgivenss looks like, what real hope can be. Lord, bless this woman from years past, who I hope and pray, has found a sliver of your peace, through the simple act of asking for forgiveness. Help her make good decisions for her future, and help her to resolve her own demons.

Finding Balance - Openness with Prudence

2011-11-04T08:13:00.000-07:00

Every mother, I have this sneaky feeling, has trouble finding balance in her daily life. Working mothers, SAHM mothers, or Work from home mothers, all find themselves walking this fine line. Am I giving enough to this child or that one? Am I giving enough to my work (whatever work that might be)? Am I giving enough to my husband? If I give this whole morning to this activity, have I neglected something else just as important? Rarely are we considering ourselves....am I somehow, giving something to my own soul so I might be refreshed to tackle all these questions one more time tomorrow morning.

For some mothers, they never consider themselves, they give and they give, to their own detriment, as they slowly but surely find themselves completely voided, and unable to give anymore as they haven't tended to themselves on any real level. And tending to themselves doesn't mean complete neglect of everything else, it doesn't mean a kind of selfishness that leaves everything behind in chaos, in order to have "me time".

Personally, I have had trouble stealing a few moments away for re-charge. And my tank is low, well, empty, if I am truly honest. I have little to give, as I left myself out of the 'tending to do list'. Finding balance is tough right now. I know why. I am searching out solutions, am training others to take things off my plate. I see the problem. When others are suffering, it's my instinct to step in. These past eleven years of being Mother has changed me, softened my heart, allowed compassion to seep in, and so when I see others desperate for help, there I am.....even at the expense of my own children.

It hurt to write that.

My kids have been my whole life for these past 11 years. They consumed me, and I was happy. This week, an incident at the school with my little Babe put things into perspective for me. He suffered, as I gave more than I should have, spent too much time when I should have left, listened when I should have interrupted for the sake of my Babe. I should have said, 'no', for him....for my three year old little guy, who kept hearing from me, "Just a few more minutes, be patient".

His little, pleading eyes tore at my heart again and again, as I felt the need to save someone else's day, rather than being this little guy's Mom. Ugh. My heart stings.

I will make mistakes. There is no doubt. I did make a huge blunder Wednesday of this week. And yesterday and today, my plan is to right the ship, make decisions and plans for the future so that I am not caught up in this thing or that, stepping in when I should be stepping out. My balance is out of whack....seriously.

And I know it, as HH has confirmed it and he is always honest with me. He sees it from the outside and today, today I pray we come together and search out concrete answers for the future.

I looked forward to the day when some of my children would be more self-sufficient, when they entertained themselves, when I could enjoy a tad more freedom. Little did I know that freedom, when pushed to the limits, often includes a kind of sacrifice, that I see clearly now, that I never knew would be there. And to sacrifice my little Babe, well, it has torn my heart to pieces. The one thing that I swore to never do, I did, I put him on the back burner. I pushed him away.

But the story is not over, as I am a stubborn woman. This will NOT happen again. I refuse to allow anyone to pull me in where I do not belong. I refuse to push my little guy away, just when he needs me. I absolutely will remember who is more important, in any given moment. And it's my family, it's my husband, it's my children. What's more important is tending to those little, pleading eyes that just want to sit with his mother.

I knew this new path for our family, would be rocky at times, I saw that coming. But when I see the aftermath of a bad day, of Mom not prioritizing well, then I clearly see the results aren't worth the sacrifice my children have had to make. They had to lose their Mom, and that's not acceptable. They should never lose their mother. Even in the most trying of situations, I should be there, not anywhere else, not gone saving someone else, but there for them - that's my job....that's where my salary comes from, my reward, my salvation......no where else.....not right now.

How much I have learned personally from the last two months is staggering. I can hardly absorb the depths of schooling I am taking in. This lesson is no different. I slipped. I failed. But God didn't make me who I am to give up. I will dust myself off, I will make amends, I will right the ship. I thank God, that He gave me the eyes to see what was happening, that my soul was disturbed enough to make a change.

Am I being too hard on myself? Perhaps. We all have 'ugly mom' days. However, I need to accept full responsibility for my actions, see the gravity of the circumstances, or I'll never make real and lasting change....and that's what I need. Real. And. Lasting. Change.

Like I said, this is not the end of the story, in a way, it's a new beginning, where I can learn something new, train myself again, and be open to others in a new kind of way. There are people who will see openness and misunderstand it, as meaning a highway to drive on and over. And so I must be the one, who demonstrates what true openness can be, without allowing anyone to take advantage of it. It will take a new kind of strength and character, that I must find and live, in order to say a very tiny word....a very powerful word, and contrary to my new found nature.....

And it's 'No'. It's 'No', my family comes first. It's 'No', I have to leave. It's 'No', I'll call you later. It's 'No', my Babe needs me right now. As much as that little word is not my favorite one, as it clearly can push people away, in order to find balance in my own life right now, that tiny, two letter word, will save.........my...........life. It can restore what has been lost in my home. It's a gift to have that ability to use that word when necessary. I am putting myself to that challenge to attain that gift. To learn that gift, to pray for that gift.

Lord you gave me this family, this life, and I am grateful for it. Help me to balance the demands of others amidst the demands of my family. Help me to be gracious when saying 'no' and help me to be the 'yes' for my husband and my children that they need me to be. They must be first, Lord, they need to be first, help me to see it, daily, to prioritize well, and be the first example of openness with prudence. Amen.

All Hallows Eve 2011

2011-10-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, I was on my search to find All Saints Day costumes for the kiddos, as at their Catholic School, they celebrate All Saints and not today, Halloween.

So I have done my Halloween rants in the past, and I don't care to revisit them. Everyone has an opinion on Halloween, some love it, some hate it. Personally I have come to accept it's just apart of our culture to celebrate this day, and most people really don't look to the meaning behind it. Is that a bad thing? Well, I don't know. I just prefer the ugly faces to not be in front of my kids, where nightmares will surely visit later.

So on to All Saints....something did strike me at a Party Store to find accessories for my four miniature saints. We have this year: Saint Queen Katherine of Hungary, Blessed Mary Kiota, Saint Martin of Tours and lastly Blessed Kateri. My little Babe will participate as a NASA astronaut, as I am sure one of those men became a Saint at some point. (Hey, we are making it work using a costume from Grandma).

I walked around this party store up and down aisles to find the exact pieces I wanted for my saints, and low and behold, I found most of the items I needed, and made my way to the front to wait along side other parents with their young ones picking out vampire teeth, capes, fake blood and all the gore. I honestly felt strange for the first time picking out a Roman soldier's helmet, sword, Indian costume and queenly accessories. It was a paradox standing there, me with my 'saintly' items, to honor those who have gone before us, as martyrs, Christians, monks and royalty, all willing to live and die by the Faith.

And then I look in front of me, and I look behind me.

The other shoppers were indeed looking for those ghoulish items to honor something quite different. Now I am not ranting about this holiday. I said I wouldn't. I just noticed the difference in shopping bags and the strange feeling I suddenly found myself in while waiting to be cashed out.

This is indeed the life, we Christians are called to. The decisions we make will often go against the grain of society. We could be standing anywhere, and have this be the case, living a tad differently, putting priority on something that others wouldn't themselves do. It isn't easy to go against the norm, I wouldn't choose it ordinarily. However, how many times, we as Christians must do this exact thing so as to live as authentically as we can, living who we say we are.

This morning, at a Mom's meeting at the school, we were discussing how our children have evangelized us as their parents more times than we can count. Someone mentioned, "Well, you are good Moms", as if that was the answer. A few women, spoke up, and admitted, they hadn't taught their children this good thing or that instinct to pray, but that the school had this influence on the children, and that the it's the children, via the school, that are planting seeds in the parents. It was beautiful, as it all sounded just like what a Catholic school should be doing. Someone else in the group mentioned how not enough people understand why we choose to send our kids to Catholic school considering the price tag.

I spoke up then, and said how important it is that we parents tell others these types of stories, because this is the 'why' we work to make those tuition payments, why we sacrifice the big vacations, why the cars are modest and why we insist this is the choice for us.

The fact of the matter is that sometimes, as Christians we find ourselves prioritizing differently than others around us. I find that dressing up as a Saint and having to learn the story of that saint, that heroic virtue, their dedication to God and perseverance alone inspires me. And as a mother, I need inspiration to keep fighting that good fight. How many others need that same inspiration, that our children can give as they grow?

So when I came home over the weekend, after standing in line for an hour at three different stores, fighting traffic, the rain, the crowds and ghoulish bloodied corpses all around me.....I was a bit cranky. I told my HH, never again. Next year, it's his turn.

This morning, after meeting with the Moms, I realized something, as much as I can't stand the shopping to dress up my crew....what I do love is seeing my kids know the stories of the saints. And it does take work on my part to get them ready. It does take work to teach them the story of their saint. It does force me to learn something new as well. It plants a seed in me too, that we are all called to be saints, that if we live this life emulating those who have passed on into the Kingdom, we have that much better of a chance to get there ourselves.

This life is a journey full of choices. Whether it's Halloween or not, isn't truly the issue. What's most important is the way we live our lives, making choices that reflect our beliefs. Will they truly know we are Christians by our Love, by our Love? (great song btw). Now, don't get me wrong, I am certainly not insinuating that anyone celebrating Halloween is somehow an unfit Christian. I simply challenge us all to be unafraid. And this holiday, seems to me, to be about fear and death. I challenge us to be unafraid living a tad differently, as Saints passed have proven that, this tad bit of difference can be all that God is really asking of us....to be authentic Christians, to be witnesses, to live, perhaps a "Little Way," like St. Therese, or heroically like Blessed Kateri. They choose a different path than those in front and those behind them.

Just food for thought. Enjoy this day, the day before we honor the Saints in heaven....
this All Hallows Eve.

Small Successes Friday

2011-10-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am on the wrong day. In this journey of life, I am realizing it's not perfection we seek for ourselves, only that we make a sincere effort when we can with how much we have at our disposal, that really matters. So here we are, counting those little victories.

1.) Managed our hot lunch program this week at school. Filled in for another Mom who was on vaca. Realized the fun in just getting to know other hot lunch Mom volunteers!

2.) First week of exams for 5th grade Thinker. Studied with her every day. She's such a hard worker and determined spirit that refuses to give up. Love that.

3.) Am finding moments of peace in a week of chaos. That's more than a small success and so deserves mention.

In Progress:

4.) House cleaning, need I say more?

Small Successes are now hosted over at Chocolate for Your Brain, head on over if you have a few to share!

Best Random Moment of the Weekend

2011-10-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

Thinker and I went on a girls shopping adventure and in the car, some very interesting things were discussed in regards to her girlfriends...

Mom: I am so glad that you have found a nice group of girlfriends. They all seem so nice.

Thinker indifferent: Yep, they are.

Mom: It isn't always easy to find good friends who can stick up for each other.

Thinker: What do you mean?
Mom: Well, sometimes, girls your age will either be in a bully group, or in a group that gets bullied. And that's a tough choice.

Thinker: Why is that a tough choice?

Mom: Well, you know it's wrong to bully someone, and it hurts a lot to be bullied by someone else. You see, either way, it's no fun.

Thinker: Hum....

Mom: Imagine if you had to pick between two groups like that, which would you choose?

Thinker: If I was in the bully group, would they make me tease and hurt other kids?

Mom: It usually works that way. Yep.

Thinker: Well, then of course, I'd be in the other group.

Mom: Even if you got picked on?

Thinker: Yes. I'd stand up for myself, and for my friends. We'd be strong together against the mean girls.

Smiling Mom: Wow. I guess I thought you'd say that, but I am so happy that you did, and you believe it so strongly.

Thinker: Well, I would never want to hurt anyone else, and if someone came to hurt me, I'd be strong and make a big difference, they need to know it's not right.

Mom: I tell you, kiddo, it's a tough lesson to learn, even for some adults, and if you have learned it at only eleven years old....you are going to do well in this life. I am so proud of you.

Smiling Thinker: Oh, Mom, whatever!

Great Video!!

2011-10-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

Authenticity and Trust

2011-10-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

Somehow, events as they are erupting around me, lended itself to yet another venue of public speaking. While, I am getting a tad more comfortable, I realized the need for authenticity in all these moments of private relationship building, and at the public presentation level too.

People can tell, I don't know how, but they can tell how real you are, in a private setting and in public ones. They can see right through you sometimes, and an "act" is obvious. An "act" is never received well, as it subtly tells someone, you aren't comfortable sharing the truth of yourself.....and the reasons for that could be many. Perhaps you aren't okay with who you are. Perhaps you are telling the other person, you aren't ready to share that deep of a dimension yet. Perhaps you are nervous, uncomfortable, stressed, tired or unhappy. The subtleties of an "act" are so vast, that someone observing you, might get the wrong idea...or the right one, that you distrust them.

Authenticity wins people over, I have learned. Years past, I tried to be someone else. I tried to be something or someone that I assumed would be well received. I tried to be someone else's version of me. And I was miserable. I didn't make friends that way. I was never asked to talk in front of anyone. I ended up quiet, alone and frustrated that someone had led me astray, into a life of constant self-preservation.

I lived under the yoke of "Don't give too much, you'll get hurt".

But, what I have learned is the biggest lesson yet....... the giving is what is living.

In only the past few months, I have given more than ever in my whole life, socially speaking. As, someone near and dear to me, explained it this way, "You have opened the door to your heart."

And of course, my response, was one of "Perhaps a crack of a window would have been smarter."

Alas, an open heart allows for another open heart. People see the open door, and realize you're risking something, and it makes THEM feel safe enough to do the same. Most generally speaking those around us will treat that open door as a treasure of trust, not to be betrayed. (That's a tough lesson to learn as well, as I have had to learn discretion in choosing friendships).

People show themselves and the quality of their intentions usually pretty quickly and frequently. If, and only if you are paying attention, will you see it. Some of these ladies I am getting to know, I have known for years and years, but never going past the acquaintance stage of a relationship. Why? Well, I can tell you, it's safer that way.

And now....now, I am in unchartered territory. I am in an unsafe zone....clearly, these ladies could land-blast me, and I have yet to see it happen. It's almost like I am waiting for that darn shoe to drop, and then I'll wake up from this long dream, to realize, it was indeed a nightmare......that trusting someone else with the depths of my heart was to my own detriment.

I have wondered for so long, God's plan in this new direction He is taking me and our family. I have asked for some clear sign of what He wants to see from me. What does He expect to happen? And again, I see again, this whole process bringing to light my own weakness and ability to trust. Trust others, trust God, trust myself. It's all missing and I can clearly see the struggle I find myself in, again and again, with the topic of trust.

Dear readers of my small dent in the blogosphere, please hear from my heart to yours....when we have been hurt, deeply, damaged in some fundamental way, and can't see past that pain, we resort to our own defenses, realizing the pain is too much to confront again and again. So we protect ourselves at every turn. It is THIS, dear readers, that God is asking me to push and pull with on a daily basis.

And.

It's

Exhausting.

For some personalities it's simply exhausting to be social, to open up and be vulnerable. Add on top of that issues with trust, and let me tell you, I fall, every night, to the couch, completely voided of any energy. My life right now, is a compilation of days interrupted by random, short naps filled with dreams of betrayal, loss or abandonment.

It's as if I am living one of those movies where the days are filled with certain elements of God working, to only be attacked at night with that exact person's worst fears. If that's not a Spiritual Warfare, I don't know what is.

So as I move forward, and tonight ask my loving HH to bless me and our bedroom, I ask for your prayers as well. Sometimes, discerning what God wants is the toughest job. Not this time. I've got it. I see it. I know what He wills for me right now. The newest battle is to fight my own weaknesses, and not give in to despair....and not allow my will or flesh to betray me and what God has planned.

He wants healing and trust for me. Me. It's personal. It's intimate. It's that quiet voice that I hear in the depths of my being, when all else is silent around me. He is there. He is hoping in me, and trusting me. Dear Lord, help me to hope and trust in you.

Photo Fun - Camping Style

2011-10-14T06:56:00.000-07:00