S.tay A.t H.ome M.om at Work

Quarantine 2020

2020-04-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

I've deliberately avoided posting during this COVID-19 pandemic and quarantine time period. It isn't that there aren't plenty of reflective moments in our days. There are. No doubt, each day is filled with a variety of moments that cause me to pause and take those mental snapshots of our day. I wasn't going to post about this crisis. I wanted to avoid and pretend it wasn't actually happening all around me. AND if I take the time to think about this, if I take the time to type out these letters on my screen..... Well, then it's real.

These five kids of mine, age ranges from 12 to 19 are truly a gift during this time as they live day to day in their e-learning or online classes. They are free. Free from worry, stress and free from panic. I do believe, as their parents, we set the stage for their reaction. It forces us, as parents, to take a good, long and hard look in the mirror. What are we communicating by our own example of how to handle suffering, stress and uncertainty?

It's a challenge. These kids are no longer babies or toddlers who could be completely oblivious to the situation at hand. They are old enough to see all the changes, feel their own emotions and be fully able to communicate them in a variety of teen-age ways. (!!) How do we as parents, keep these kiddos informed of the seriousness of this virus, which forces all kinds of changes in routine, yet keep them serene, hopeful and managing their own emotions effectively. It's a puzzle.... and a critical one to ensure that once we are on the other side of this, they know they had and will always have the stability of a family full of love and support.

It's serious, kids....but be peaceful.

Thousands have lost their lives......but rest at ease.

It's contagious, you must stay home......... wash your hands, don't touch your face.

The economy is crashing, Mom and Dad might lose their jobs...... but be at peace, we can live more simply.

It's such a convoluted message of seriousness yet hope.

As corny as it sounds, we instituted family meetings years ago: mandatory attendance to discuss as a family a current issue, and ask for input from all members. It creates a seriousness in tone, that otherwise can be lost in our wise-cracking dining room table banter.

With my beloved's company looking at financial ruin in the near future, and our forecasted inability to cover teenagers never-ending stream of costly expenses.... I called the first family meeting in many, many years. As we sat around our dining room table, I highlighted the endless blessings God has given this little family of His. The many adventures we have enjoyed, vacations we splurged on, new clothes we danced in and so on. I went on to explain the countless blessings also include our health, our family members, our relationships. These are the intangible things we often take for granted, unseen, but always the support and structure that we lean on. And we don't even know it.

Now it's time to recognize that support, work together as a team, as the family God built for his own glory and purposes...not our own. Often times siblings are in some kind of invisible competition and I wanted to highlight how differently God is asking us to live our lives right now, and maybe from now on.

I took out a piece of paper and pencil. I called on each of our family members to take a personal responsibility in the support and structure of our family. What does that mean to you, in this financial crisis our family, our state, our nation is involved in right now?

What was truly interesting was to see their maturity and sincerity in this family meeting discussion. Each member had impressive ideas, small and big ways to support each other, ways to cut expenses, ways to love each other more. I held back tears in this hour long meeting, as I didn't want to send any other message than confidence and strength as their mother... but honestly, I was humbled in their responses and when looking at this piece of paper.... I am overwhelmed.

God chooses his moments, doesn't He. He chooses them well. In the last 6 months, I too, have taken for granted the depth and maturity that was buried in these young people I call my own. I hadn't seen it. Being so focused on the details, on the formation of these kids, on the virtue development, the running here and there, I miss the big picture. When our family is called to task, how can you know for sure what the response would be? I admit, I was nervous, the world has had it's impact on these kids, for sure I know it, I've seen it. What I underestimated was their commitment to family. What I never saw coming what their ability to set aside personality differences, sibling rivalries, personal comforts and the list goes on...

These kids have never really had to suffer. Early in our marriage and for the first 5 or 6 years, finances were very tight, as staying at home to raise these kids had a serious impact on our budget. As years passed, and our income increased, we were able to give to our kids many of the luxuries that are so common place. Those are the memories they have, the only ones they have.

Why do they call the WWII Generation the greatest? They lived through depression, they assisted in the war effort, at home or on the front lines. They knew what they had, exactly what was needed and they survived by building the support and family infrastructure necessary to get through what ending up being years and years of frugality. The strongest family units rose to the challenge, excelled, created new innovation, supported the fight, loved through scarcity and so much more when you think about it.

When my sweet and dear Grandmother on my Father's side passed away a few years ago at age 92, the work to clear out her home included endless signs of her resilience and inner fortitude to raise the family God wanted. She saved every bit that was savable. She re-used wrapping paper and bows. Her dish towels were still the flour sacks from years gone by. She turned old blankets into pillows, necklaces into rosaries, backyard raspberries into jelly and dropped walnuts into Christmas gifts.

How will our country and our families map their way out of this pandemic? How will we rise to this calling for a new normal? Only time will tell. In the microcosm of society, the family's strength and fortitude, having been built by God, himself, through the instruments we call Mom and Dad, will be the structures that withstand. Love built these walls, these connections. Love built the security and optimism that unites families. It bonds us. It's stronger than any stimulus package our Congress may pass and banks implement. Love wasn't just the structure of the Greatest Generation families, it was the fuel on the fire of God's plan.

With God, there are no co-incidences. This is Holy Week. This is the week of the (predicted) highest death count in the our country due to COVID-19. And millions of people will somehow, in their own unique ways and circumstances, live the Holy Thursday Last Supper, The Good Friday Passion of the Christ, The Holy Saturday Waiting and ultimately we will live our Easter Sunday Resurrection. Maybe not on Sunday, April 12th, 2020. But our Easter will come. When the kids can see their classmates in person again, when co-workers get to forge side by side, when we all eat together in a restaurant again, when our churches open and we sing His praises together again.

Our Easter is when we get to hug our neighbor.

Let us never take for granted the many blessings God has given us through family life, how little we actually need and how our Easter will be the gift of human connection.

Getting to the Truth

2019-11-15T11:12:00.000-08:00

As time continues to move, so do chapters of our lives. I can barely type the words, but I indeed have a college aged daughter who aspires to give to our world. She has been inspired and strives to give hope and love to others through her chosen profession. While my pride in her is truly abundant, having achieved significant scholarship dollars, a place in the university’s honors program and a maturing nature, I find myself doubting the foundation beneath her.

Have we done enough? I imagine every parent asks this question prior to sending their child off into the world, tackling all the demands and expectations while remaining true to self, her family and her God. The few weeks prior to my daughter moving out, I found myself having disagreement after disagreement with my eldest. In my mind’s eye, I kept convincing myself, I am ready for her to go, I am ready, she is ready…all will be well.

In reality, and quite honestly, it was my beloved who brought the truth to light. He asked me bluntly, what on earth are you truly arguing about? I finally had a heart to heart with my daughter…. To get to the source of why we just couldn’t get along, nor have a conversation without getting loud.

Seriously, when these moments arrive, it doesn’t matter when or where, you take them. Don’t watch it pass by, it might be the only moment one has to open one’s heart and listen to another's. Have her heart opened enough to listen to mine. The truth: we were going to miss each other terribly and the impending move in date at her university literally had us both anxious, on edge and unable to truly communicate. After we agreed this was truth, we both cried, held each other and reassured each other of all the means of communication in this day and age. How often we will still see each other and how easy a phone call really is!

The recognition of the truth of this moment ascended on us quickly and it just so happened to be in our garage, of all places. And yes, my daughter will work to achieve her dreams, and yes, will learn a considerable amount along the way, however, I can honestly say…. My proudest moments come from another place…not a worldly one, not one based on money or achievement as these kids’ mother. The moments I seek and hope for are those where forgiveness and truth is found…through the mess, the confusion and through the pain. This is the work of true relationships, I do believe it. And it’s often times a humble look at truth, admission to another and a resolve to a future hope.

Dear Lord,

Surround her with your love and guidance, as she tackles the truths of our world and her place within it. May she stay close to you, Lord, finding the many ways you call her into adulthood and purpose.

Seeing God in Everything: Repost from 2013

2019-09-17T18:07:00.003-07:00

Repost: from 2013: Sometimes re-reading things puts a new perspective on current events....

School is back in session and tomorrow*(This post was written on Wednesday.) starts a whole new day.

Not just a new day, a new chapter for me, your typical Stay At Home Mom. My last child, my Babe will start Kindergarten, and all my children will leave each and every week day morning, to go off to learn and experience snippets of the world at large.

They will find themselves transitioning from a world of numbers, into the world of letters, from our nation’s history to scientific methods and so much more. Friends will influence them and they will leave their mark on others. They will learn more and more about God, His Love and the truths of our Faith. It’s school life, academics, spirituality, formation and friendships. It’s all good and fine and normal.

But my Babe has always been home with me, giving me purpose, destination and fulfillment. For thirteen years I have dedicated my life to these little people God has entrusted to me. I did not pursue a career, I left my job when I was pregnant with my Thinker. It was a sacrifice, yes, we struggled, it was difficult. It was the beginning of a new kind of job for me, it was one I choose, I decided, I set for myself, believing it was the best for my baby and those that followed.

I learned quickly that it was a job that you never vacation from, you never leave, nor do you get fired for making mistakes. These little people are quick to forgive and forget and often times left me completely drained, frustrated, yet at the same time, in awe that God choose such an unworthy woman to care and keep them.

I learned to love this job. Not only love it, but crave it, down to the very depths of my being. I ached for my babies when not in my arms. I searched out my toddlers when not in my sight. I cried with my kids at sad events and laughed with them when the time called for it. There is a bond unlike any other, a mother to her children, and if I had at least one child with me, I knew I was in the right place, doing and being exactly what I should be doing and being. I found purpose in those many hours in the day.

And tomorrow, what will tomorrow bring. I must, just like my other children, I must let my youngest go. I must let him learn and grow. He seems too young, or is it just my eyes that deceive me. He seems too little, but I am sure I measure him against his siblings. He seems to need me or is it simply that I am more attached to him, than he is to me. Where the truth and reality lie – I cannot tell. It is my logic that tells me to let him go, let him grow and realize my Babe is really not my baby anymore.

He asked me tonight before bed, “Mom, what will you do all day, without me?”

I paused, I didn’t have a good answer to that.

He was quick, “Be with Dad?”

“Oh honey, Dad will be at work, I suppose I will clean the house.”

He made a sad face at me, then hugged me tight, and said, “Well, ok. I will miss you, but I like my new teacher.”

I left his bedroom, closed the door behind me, only to think about that exact question he asked me. What will fill the day? As much as I lament the letting go of my last child to school, perhaps, I really feel another kind of loss. My hours in the day won’t be as demanding, I could find my own hobbies or interests, or even read the many books I have accumulated but never found the time for. Friends have given me countless suggestions, join a gym, take a class, learn tennis, shop more, eat out for lunches, have ladies brunches, do pottery and so on.

The loss I feel, cutting deep, is more like the loss of someone needing me. It’s meant to happen, yes, I am clear on it. But for me, someone who learned to love and crave the job…well, it’s almost like my boss stated, “Nice work, but we don’t need you anymore. Now, go do pottery or play tennis.”

Now I can already hear my readers here, thinking, “The job of Mother isn’t done just because they all attend school.” I know, I know. It’s something I must remind myself. I am a doer. I get it done. And the hours of the day will tick slowly without the chatter of little voices, or the demands of a toddler, or the cries of a baby.

I need to keep busy, to stay active. Not just because it’s good to do so, it’s a mental thing. If I feel I have no purpose, guess what, then I don’t. I remember back when I was first looking for a job, just out of college. I wasn’t having much luck. I would send out resume after resume, and nothing surfaced for a few weeks. When it turned into a month, I stopped sending out my cover letters, resumes and stopped calling potential employers. I felt defeated, lost and nothing kept me busy. I began to sleep a lot. I mean, a lot. If I had to call it something, I’d say a slight depression invaded me.

I thank God so often for my beloved. We were engaged during this sad time, and he helped me to see, I need to be busy and suggested a Temp agency. I went in, and before long, was working here and then there, and then found a full time permanent position.

I haven’t seen signs of depression like that since, but I fear all my kids in school will bring me back to this very place again. I need to be productive or something strange happens. When I feel useless, I become useless. And it’s all down-hill from there.

Being a spiritual person, I try and seek God in everything. Most times, I can find Him and his direction, not always, but in the big things, I usually have a sense where He is leading me. Not now, not this time. Honestly, I can’t imagine that God is asking me to fill my days with more hours of shopping. If anything, I can see that He is giving me more time to seek Him out. And that – that makes sense to me. It’s not as explicit as “Get a job!” or “Join a gym!” – but I do believe, that there is a time and purpose to everything, and it will all be revealed as He decides and not as I demand it. Perhaps, I will get the chance for uninterrupted prayer, time before the Blessed Sacrament without a wiggly 5 year old, or even, dare I imagine, seeking out His plan for every moment of every day, learning to embrace it and to love it.

A New Day

2018-11-03T16:16:00.002-07:00

4 years.... last post was over 4 years ago.... and while my readership has diminished, this creative outlet has found new wings. Do I really have to explain what has transpired in the last 4 years? Can it be enough that the intimate moments of family life just be treasured in the heart of this mother. How many priceless moments that made me pause and reflect.... innumerable...truly. But being in the moment versus capturing the moment is two different things.

Alas, my nature is to reflect and type out some inner workings of my heart allowing a peak into these past several years...

I'd like to say that I have been in the moment.... to be honest, I haven't really been nor capturing the moment. The last four years have been a blur of never ending commitments and responsibilities that consumed me. In down moments, I tended to fall asleep, or crash rather, in order to start all over the very next day... a barrage of how I have spread myself too thin, lost all patience, and really let those around me, those I love the most, disappointed in my priority choices, my over-committed schedule and all consuming duties. Worst of all, was how little emotional support I could offer my family.

The mother is the heart of the home. Yes? Of course, I agree with this, and when the heart is stressed or limited.... it can not give. It can not comfort, it can not be self-less...it needs a lot... it needs rather than gives. And this was my life... for the last four years. I have to take accountability for the choices I made, the stress I allowed and truly take a step back and mentally process those places I never wanted to go.... admitting to my own mistakes, fears and failures.

What have I done.

It's a statement. Not a question.

I know what I have done. Most of us, when we really think about it, don't need a lot of time to know that piece. What we need time with, is why we put priority on it. Why didn't we have the strength to stop the cycle, make a big change, reverse what we saw happening. Why. How did we convince ourselves it was necessary, it was big...too big to change. If God allowed us to see it, then He, too, had given me opportunity after opportunity to make changes to life choices that would, in turn, be improvement in the emotional and mental well being of those I cared for and loved the most. I can even fool myself to the point of believing all my actions were for the family, for the children, help my beloved spouse and so on. Was I fooling myself using these exact justifications.

Again, it's not a question. We know. In the depths of our heart, we know just how far we can 'comfortably' run from God. We know how to deny or doubt Him. We know how to justify our actions, how to rationalize a decision, blame someone or something else. He quietly waits, whispers in our soul, and gives us chance after chance to find Him again. To hear Him again. I quieted Him for a long time, I got very good at it, and no one was the wiser. Can't we all put on the game face....go through the motions and appear exactly how we want others to view us...without really focusing on our authentic selves. How often is our public persona the item in our lives that gets the most attention and effort.

How I have longed to actually hear God's whispers on my heart and know, without a doubt, that it was God's voice and not my own. Honestly, how God choose to tug at my heart rings typical of a God that knows me through and through. Whispers would not have been enough to make me move. He knows me and every hair on my head. His call would need to be loud and clear, with unmistakable clarity that even I could decipher the sound of His voice through the confusion of others' opinions and the conflict following His will would bring.

In the last few months, God has never spoken so loud in my heart. Again and again, He searched me out and questioned me, my motives, my movements and my motherhood. What have I done. It screamed in me a hundred times, if only it was once.

How I take comfort in the the repentant sinner. God, in heaven, takes more delight in the repentant sinner, the prodigal son, than the perfect saint on earth. Why is that. Could it be that the sinner gets to experience the most profound piece of love that ever existed or will exist in the eternity of time and space, that which is Mercy. The act of forgiveness restores relationship. We get to re-discover God's love for us again and again, and yet again.... that he is ever present for us, always ready to take us back, to replace the value of our soul that we had lost. He is the parent we need yet again, embracing us in our brokenness.

How I have loved and hated these moments as a parent!! To see my own child suffer so painfully, it tears at my core more than anything. When they ask for forgiveness, and I get the chance to pull my child to my heart, assuring them of my endless love for him/her, I restore their value, their dignity by my love and forgiveness. How we reflect God's paternal love for us, via our own parenthood! Incredible. Simply supernatural.

Just as my child will open their heart and seek out my loving and forgiving face, dear Lord, help me yearn for your face, tenderly embracing my weaknesses and restoring the value of my life. I have heard your voice in the depths of my soul, thank you for your unrelenting constancy.

Working for the Church

2014-06-03T14:43:00.002-07:00

So, I started working part time in order to offset the financial pressures that we feel from time to time. (I suppose even my blog title is all wrong now...) Anyhoo, it's an interesting dynamic working for the Church. I can't tell you how interwoven Faith is into normal life events. I know, it's a no-brainer, of course, Faith is meant to be so apart of our natural every day. But I guess when I think of 'work', I generally didn't think it would touch my heart and the hearts of others in such profound ways.

Working with a gal at the office, she explained something to me that really touched my heart. She told me how a parent's journey often begins with a call to the Church. They need a baptism. Then when the child is old enough, they need 1st Communion. Then, when the child is old enough, Confirmation is requested. Weddings are performed, Anointing of the Sick is administered and so on and so forth. People calling the Church in order to see when Confession times are, or Mass times or a time to sit with the Pastor. Funerals are requested. It's all a window into the hearts and souls of Catholic people. People call often to request a Mass for someone who had passed, or for a birth or anniversary. They remember their dead, schedule rosary groups and the list goes on and on.

I can't tell you, just by typing, how profound it is to contemplate all in one day, the many facets of a Catholic person's life that the Church supports, embraces and assists so one may live their Faith more fully. It's a rare thing. And recently, I've seen this small bird's eye view of people living their Faith as quite a blessing and privilege. People really do live authentically Catholic, and for this ol' girl, who's often pessimistic, it's a light in an other-wise dark world.

And isn't that what we are supposed to be: a light in this dark world?

I tell you, seeing and hearing one day's worth of activity in a parish office makes me more positive and hopeful for the future - not only of the future of the Church as a whole, but indeed hopeful for the future of man kind. Prayers are storming heaven even as we speak. Masses are being said for every intention imaginable all around the world. If God never tires of hearing prayers, then we are in good hands.

The Church isn't always politically correct or in line with our secular culture. No it's not meant to be. It's supposed to be that home that is always there for you, in good times like a wedding or birth, as well as in sickness, (anointing of the sick) and yes, even when we make mistakes, we sin and can make good in the eyes of God and our community via confession. Yes, she is even there for you, when you die. In all ways, our Church, our Faith is there to lean on, strengthen us and give us hope for the future. It's a light, when all we see is dark. Our Church is often called "Mother Church", and I admit, I am not sure I always saw it this way or understood the title. But when I type here, that Church is meant to be home for us, to keep us in line, on the path to holiness and so on and so forth, all at the same time as loving us for who we are, doesn't that sound just like the job of Mom?

Moms aren't meant to be politically correct either. We don't sway our own resolve after one of our children tells us "Well, his Mom lets him to do it!" Moms are home to our kids. We love them thru joyous occasions and celebrate with them, we love them thru sad ones and cry with them. We hold the line more often than not, and we give encouragement and strength to those around us.

Why God brought this job to me at this particular time, I may never know. It's one of those things I simply marvel at, as He is working all the time... seeing the needs of us all, and while yes, one of the needs was financial, perhaps He is working much, much deeper here. It's a slow, soul transformation that I am sure was desperately needed.

To see hope and light, for me, is tough. And perhaps He's showing me every day just what that hope and light is all about. What a great adventure He sets us on!

Going Private

2014-06-03T14:06:00.001-07:00

So I am a few days off on my deadline. Better late than never. Thank you to those who sent me your email addresses. If you would like to be added, this is the last notice, you will not be able to access this blog without sending your email address to me, so that I might invite you.

Thank you,
~Sahmatwork

Going Private

2014-05-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

Hello blog readers,...

With many new developments in our family's life, I have decided to make this blog 'private'. Therefore, any readers who would like to continue to have access to my blog will need to send me your email address so I can add you to blogger's background settings as an approved reader.

So if you are still interested in reading, send your email address to:
sahmatwork(at)gmail(dot)com

Thank you for your support & encouragement these past seven years! I ask that you continue to pray for me and our family in this next exciting chapter of our lives. If you want to read about it - send me your email. I will make this blog private in seven days: beginning May 28, 2014.

~Sahmatwork

Ice Cubes

2014-01-09T09:45:00.002-08:00

How fitting that our Midwest has just undergone the Arctic Blast of the decade and this post is all about ice cubes. Ok, well for anyone who reads regularly, we all know my style - it's never THAT simple.

We recently entertained friends of ours, that my husband has maintained relationship with since grade school, that's right: 2nd grade they met, and 30 years later, we got together to celebrate not only Christmas, not only the New Year, but our growing families and the miracle that is this relationship surviving three decades.

Comparing grey hair, family size, turbulent teens, births, deaths and their own reckless past was so great for us all. There were also contrasts as well, we should expect, different people, different strokes. Respecting their families rules as well as ours, differences emerged, and I caught a few strange looks and glances from the mother counterpart in my kitchen.

I couldn't quite put my finger on the exact reasons for her disturbance, her shocked face, her exaggerated expressions.......until we served the kids their drinks. All her children (ages 3-12) requested pop to which we supplied happily, along with ice in cups, as the pop wasn't chilled.

We don't drink pop. Like ever. The adults in our house will occasionally, meaning once or twice a year. And the kids aren't permitted, with the exception of our two oldest, ages 11 and 13, upon a class party or sleepover where pop is the only thing available (or a special occasion). In our effort to limited sugar consumption and the 'full feeling' pop gives us all, I'd rather have them eat something than drink their meals.

We do have pop on hand simply for entertaining purposes as we know and appreciate other's preferences. When we host, we supply what you prefer.

Having said all that, this isn't a post on pop, or whether or not you should drink it. Sometimes I drink it, to each his own, on this topic.

Now, on with the evening...

After supplying our young guests with ice in their cups, I offered pop to my two oldest (peer value and special occasion status) Sprite (at least no caffeine) to which they accepted. However the rest of my kids rarely even enjoy the taste as they claim they don't like the bubbles on their tongue. (Which is wonderful to me, as I don't even offer it to them, they aren't allowed.) So I stated to the youngest three, milk or water, it's your choice. The kids choose water and I supplied cups with ice to all my five.

My youngest Babe gasped and looked up at me with wide eyes, to check if I had made a mistake. I told him then and there, "Oh, yes, ICE, you lucky, lucky duck."

So, let's cover a bit of background information: I am not opposed to ice as a general rule. If we are at a restaurant, everyone has ice in their water. No biggie. If we are at someone's house, and they are given ice in their water, again, No Biggie. I am no ice Nazi.

But what I will say is that we have perfected over the years the intricacies of meal time. With five kids, it's necessary to have a strategy, so all seven people may sit, enjoy each other and a meal, all at the same time. (Something so rare and so valuable in our day and times, so guess what, I'll fight for it). What hinders these little people from eating what's on their plate? (Enter pop discussion and the 'full feeling'). In addition to the many details that assist in the good fight, is limiting distractions.

If the TV is on, forget it, no one will eat their dinner. Think of the many, many distractions we have in our lives, the ipod, the ipad, the tablet, the kindle reader, the PHONE! (Side note, if you call me on the house phone or cell phone, at dinner time, it will ring and ring. It's a distraction from our meal-time family bonding. Sorry, you can wait.)

One such distraction is ice. For little kids, ice is like bringing toys to the dinner table (well, at least for my kids it is). Chomping ice instead of food and freezing a tiny tongue is the enemy of dinner time. Scooting ice to and fro tabletop, or playing catch with this little melting play thing, or simply working vigorously to fit that huge ice cube into your petite little mouth, or slamming the cup against your mouth while simultaneously darting your tongue to reach that last bit of ice stuck to the bottom of your cup......well, do I have to say it?

All bonding is gone at this point. No conversation, no eating a meal, or making progress in this en-devour.

So, here it is, yep, I am going to say it. Ice at meal time is a treat. Never thought I'd be a mother that would claim that. But here I am, believing that ice is a true hindrance to family meal time bonding (at least at this stage in our family's life). (Now if I, for some miracle, witness a self-control of any of my children in regards to ice, I do reserve the right to re-cant, and completely deny I wrote, claimed and posted this post in it's entirety.)

Back to our evening. My mother counter part caught my comment to my five year old.... remember, 'lucky duck'? She knew it was a treat. The look she gave me was priceless. She didn't comment, said nothing, nor asked about it. (I would have been happy to explain, however I have the feeling I would have had to sum up quickly this 10 minute explanation, as she was only gonna give me 30 seconds.)

So now I've had time to reflect and see the whole event, the evening in it's totality and hind sight is 20/20. Remember different strokes for different folks? That's what we have here. My mother counterpart commented many times the manners and polite children we have gained. To which her husband, my HH's best friend, answered her quickly and decisively.

"Remember how hard my dad rode me? Remember his temper? It was rough. He was so hard on me and my brothers. And I just believe kids are kids for such a short amount of time, let them be kids, do what they want, let them come or go, less rules and less responsibilities. They will grow up fast enough."

So, we let it lie. That evening was not about debate and I agree to a certain extent. Let kids be kids, adulthood is right around the corner. But what that means in my mind verses his mind, quite the disparity. As his kids never asked for anything, but helped themselves to pounding on our piano, running up and down the stairs, carrying deserts all throughout the house, wasting whole cheeseburgers in favor of their Sprite can and many more instances that simply showed a lack of manners.

Perhaps my theory on ice cubes at meal time isn't really about distraction (though certainly the argument has been made on that). Perhaps it is a difference of an overall philosophy, how we choose to raise our kids.

Ice cubes in the cup: it's about making something that is really an ordinary thing, and making it extraordinary. How many instances and opportunities do we have as parents to demonstrate to our kids, what is ordinary and what is extraordinary. As parents we teach them what is the difference. Do we gasp when we want them to see something as special? Of course we do. And why do we do this.

We are forming them. One day my kids will not see ice as a privilege, but an expectation. I know this. It's fine. But for now, to keep some things as special and can be used as a treat, is a very valuable tool for any mother working to find motivation for an expected behavior. Of course we've used candy for treats in potty training, or a milk shake for raising that B grade to an A.

Again, we set up our own kids' expectations by what we decide is ordinary = not worth our attention and by what we decide is extraordinary = worth our attention/admiration/excitement/awe etc.

Am I raising my kids to have low expectations? Not at all, though I can see an objective reader make that assumption. What I have witnessed in raising these five little souls, is that they marvel and are inspired constantly. Does that make sense?

If everything parents explained to the kids were on the same level, the same plane (either all ordinary or all extraordinary) what can you expect the results to be?

Let's play pretend. Picture parents constantly in awe, gasping and explaining every single thing as extraordinary, the top of the hill! The summit! The thrill of a lifetime and so on. Can you imagine the kid seeing reality for what it is, once an adult and feeling betrayed? Some things are ordinary, washing dishes, or working fast food and so on. (I know we can find the extraordinary in the ordinary, as I am well versed by St. Therese, her little way, however see if you can follow my logic.) Some things in life are tough, sad, lonely, mundane or play boring. It's life for us to seek out God's will in those moments, which could really be a life lesson: being able to see the grand and extraordinary when He decides to bless us with it!

Again, play pretend. Our recent visitors have painted the picture for us - these were parents who explained everything as ordinary....therefore, not only are 'treats' like pop or ice seen as expectation, they rarely smiled, or were happy or excited about anything while visiting. (I mentioned their level of manners, though at this point am assuming it's more about lax family rules. But perhaps some correlation could be measured by level of discipline and level of appreciation?.... A post for another day!)

So much of this life, I believe I want to communicate to my kids, is a high level of gratitude. I hope and pray that when they sit outside and by chance, a butterfly should land on their hand, they, even as an adult, would take the moment and be in awe and inspired by God's creation of this tiny insect.

It's a choice we as parents get to make. Sure kids have their own personalities and maturity will assist in these types of things. But when their minds are open to hopeful possibilities, the sky is the limit for them. Giving kids an appreciation for privileges grows gratitude. And that virtue, that ability to be humble and grateful will follow them in every Christmas gift given and received, every viewpoint on High School research papers, every job interview, every blessing of a new baby and so one and so forth.

The ability to know and respect ourselves, and others, our place in the world, our meekness and eternal value at the same time, keeping manners and discipline in tact....well, what more could I ask for them? It's pieces of the gospel message in order to reach others. Jesus never said it would be by extraordinary means - He was born in a stable! It's by the way we love. It's by accepting and loving ourselves, then we'll be free to love and accept others.

Peaceful Silence

2013-12-20T14:33:00.000-08:00

Wow - how time flies. September 27th was my last post. I have been enjoying a kind of interior silence which allows 'keeping all these things in my heart.'

So, what has prompted this post now, so close to Christmas, in the middle of the hustle and bustle that is this joyous season? I have received a few responses from you, my readers, via email and posts, (and in person for those who know me!) wondering if I will ever return to this little corner I have often called my sanity.

Well, the answer required a bit of reflection, (of course!) as this whole blog is a series of self reflections. For so long, taking time to reflect on the daily occurrences or formative lessons for our family was always viewed by me as not only a sanity saver, but a real joy. I absolutely regard myself as a person who appreciates the written word - where I can describe something, an event, a feeling by simply typing, and have that experience again and again, even when my memory fails me.

I had hoped reflections on our family would help to not only inspire others, but myself. And it has for many years. I began this blog in 2008, well, actually further back than that, if you count the many notebooks I filled since high school. Nevertheless, I have taken a break from some commitments in order to re-prioritize. I put my time, energy and focus on some new projects as of the last few months - and I have already seen my little project grow and it's so exciting. Daunting, yes - but exciting.

I have yet to figure how to incorporate this corner of the blogosphere into my new projects - and honestly it may not have a place. But what I will say, is that I have learned so many great lessons recently, that I wish I had the time to delve into deeper here.

So in honor of all those Small Successes that I used to list.... I will make a new list for me, perhaps just this once, called: Lessons Learned, A brief snapshot of recent notable realizations that have moved my heart and will.

1. I have found wisdom through listening more and speaking less.

2. Generosity is never wasted. It always comes back, one way or another.

3. People who are takers, will always be just that - it's a lifestyle for them. But, I get to decide what I give.

4. Hearing 'I am proud of you' just never gets old, even if I do.

5. Saying 'I'm sorry', 'I was wrong' or 'I'll work on that' can be priceless in a marriage.

6. Going hand in hand with #5: Saying 'I forgive you', 'I'm sorry too' or 'We'll get through this' is a necessity.

7. Saying a difficult truth can be softened in a thousand different ways.

8. Being a person of peace is the most valuable gift I can give.

Having said #8 - a wonderful light from the Holy Spirit as of late and considering the closeness of Christmas and the Prince of Peace being born among us, I will close here. Will I return posting in the near future - I don't know. The Holy Spirit is a work, and where it blows I follow.

Merry Christmas to all. May God bless His peace-makers.

A Friend Request

2013-09-27T06:51:00.001-07:00

With all of my children having vacated my home for 8 hours of the day, a new chapter has opened up to me. While at first I was apprehensive, I have seen something truly new and challenging happening. Making real and close friendships while having to give so much time and attention to my children, used to be so tough, the work involved, well, it was too much and the result: as it tends to happen to many Moms, is the lack of true friendships.

Sure we have friends, but when examining closely, I found those friends were more like acquaintances, or superficial relationships without the real meat of understanding each other, giving support, encouragement and motivation.

So in the past month, a friendship of mine, which used to be more work related has evolved into a closeness that I haven’t had, probably since college. And just today, I realized that she was there for me, in the few first days that school started and my home was so empty. She called me, we sat at Starbucks, cried together and then turned mornings into bike rides or walks together to chat. Now since then, we’ve both gotten busy with the ordinary, however, she was sensitive enough to me and my empty home, she made a point to keep me busy and supported in those first few days.

A conversation just today with this friend took a new turn, sharing personal family histories, frustrations and complications that wouldn’t have happened between acquaintances nor superficial individuals. And out of the blue, she asked a dreaded question, that has me back into prayer mode to discern what God might be asking me to do.

I had mentioned in casual conversations the difficulties I still encounter with my family, why I don’t necessarily look forward to reunions and even went so far to tell her, that there was a long period of time of no communication, a kind of family break, not really considering that she’d want details on the ‘why’.

Of course a true friend would ask why. She’d be curious and want to know me better, and the reasons for the decisions I make for my family. I just didn’t anticipate it, wasn’t ready for it. I was able to dodge it easily with a ‘Gotta week for explanation?’

To my surprise, she laughed with a loud, “Yes!”

Why do I hesitate in telling her.

There was a long period of time, where I needed to break away from my parents and siblings in order to formulate the kind of woman and mother I aspired to be. And living in dysfunction, makes that goal of formulation impossible. I needed to breakaway and seek a new way of life, a new way to see my vocation and ultimately change the cycle of the past. I had to breakaway to create new.

In the past two years, I have reconnected on a minimal level with my parents, searching out a new kind of relationship with them, based on an acceptance of who they are and a letting go of who I think they should have been or should be now. They weren't capable of being what I needed back then and probably still aren’t capable of being what I need now.

Not only that, but I have grown a bit spiritually and have chosen to be a person who forgives. I don’t just want to say the words and think that’s enough, because to heal interiorly, it takes a true kind of forgiveness for the decades of pain and hurt that accompany such evil in a childhood. It’s a kind of healing that takes place every single day. How do we REALLY know we’ve forgiven as God expects us to do? I have a feeling I am getting there as in my spontaneous prayer, I find myself praying for my parents, that God will forgive them too. And that’s the real moment of healing that happens in the heart of the injured victim. If I can pray for them, if I can beg God to have mercy on them, it softens my heart towards them too. It’s how the cycle of evil is overcome.

This injustice from my youth is a kind that our society doesn’t easily forgive. It’s socially acceptable to completely cut the strings after this kind of childhood. No one would judge me. However, I am reminded often, I am sure by the Holy Spirit, that the measure that I forgive, will be measured in turn against me. I am not perfect. I have hurt others, I have sinned. If I can forgive the worst I can imagine, then perhaps I will be worthy of the forgiveness of others.

So why do I worry what my new close friend will say or feel when I answer her question of ‘why’ the family break? No, I do think she’ll understand the need for break. What I guess I really wonder is if she will understand the call I feel to forgive. It will give her a new deeper dimension of who I am, and it’s counter cultural to forgive evil acts. Not only this, but it will take this friendship in a new direction, one I am a little nervous to develop.

See, in this world of Facebook friends, followers, emails, texts and tweets and so many outlets for brief, digital, superficial encounters with others, these kind of real honest relationships are getting lost. True friendships, those that can see your cluttered home, you see their dirty dishes in the sink, lack of eyeliner and concealer, and still not be distracted by all that superficial-ness, and only see the strong yet vulnerable woman before her/or you – well, that’s something that is very rare and very special.

This could be an opportunity to share a slice of what makes me, who I am. And not apologize for it. But to put it out there with the suggestion that we are all works in progress. Oh what the support of a good friend can do! But a good friend can only be that true friend, knowing the crosses we carry, hey, even Jesus had Simon to help with the cross. And that’s being vulnerable to let them in. How personal and intimate can conversations really get when 600 or more others are reading the Facebook conversations.

Oh to be vulnerable in this day and age! We are so guarded, yet eager to put an image or perception out there in the digital world of who we are, mostly fabricated, to the point that no one truly knows our heart, our wounds or scars or how we cope with the issues of the past. It takes time and work to develop those real and lasting relationships, and in our fast paced world, it’s simply easier to send out our profile updates to the masses and be fooled into thinking the numbers on a computer screen actually mean something.

God on earth spent time with people and opened their hearts and what happened? It converted the whole world. What could happen if we spent a little time and talked heart to heart with our friends?

Well, I am about to find out.

Expanding My World

2013-09-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

So many times, I am reminded that a big piece of this life is about trust.

But our human nature, our fallen, human nature tends to question, doubt and take charge...with ourselves, with others, and with God. Interestingly, my last post was, in a nut shell, waiting to hear God's plan with these many hours of the day. I didn't want to rush into something or commit to anything until I knew, how it would impact the family. This is a hyper sensitive issue when considering the 3-7pm hours are filled to the max with 5 kids homework, projects, demands, needs, husband's work download, negotiating disputes, sporting events, as well as guiding the teenage awkward years.

The hours in the day while kids are in school is complete silence. In the beginning, the lack of sound in this house was deafening. It was clear something wasn't right. It took a good two weeks to adjust to silence. And now, I actually enjoy it. But these hours of silence are a drastic 180 degree shift into opposite land upon arrival home of the crew.

And a few days back I took some time to really pray and reflect on this stark contrast....the empty home, and then when the bell tolls: the transformation of our home into loud noise and quickened pace. Not only this, but what my role, as God would have it, should be.

As women, we are meant to bend to the needs of others. I do believe we find our fulfillment in the service of those around us. We find our true happiness there. In these many hours of the day, how do I not only serve others, (with no one home) but prepare myself for the coming chaos that is afterschool!

Again, this post points to TRUST. That all too familiar resolution that I find again and again searching to convince myself of and retain. Trusting in God's plan seems to me like a last resort. Like, hey I've done all I can, now, I will trust. As if there was any other option.

This new chapter, I find myself in, really has me learning the lesson of trust in a new way. I actually made the decision first, to let God work and show me. It's tough for an independent gal like myself to wait. I like to be proactive, make things happen, see it through, and this often leads me into the trap of leaving God out, trusting when I run out of ideas, when there is no other choice. When I am out of options, that's when I let God work.

But I do believe something new occurred this time around. I simply waited. And asked God to show me. Patience isn't my best quality. It's tough to wait. And when I finally submitted to the quiet of my home, to making my own daily schedule, finding my own interests again, reading books, going for walks, riding my bike, making special meals...that's when God decided to show me the way. And it's a fantastic way! So glad I waited.

God has pointed a direction for me, and I can see He took into account gifts He had given me that I haven't truly seen clearly in myself nor developed over these past 13 years. He knows me so well, so personally, that His direction not only develops these gifts, it matures me, it strengthens me, it also has me at the service of others. It forces conversation with Him, it inspires not only me but others, it's looking beyond myself into a bigger, wider picture of my place in this world. What a perfect design! I wouldn't have picked this path for myself, I didn't see this coming. Do I ever.

Each day is like a new adventure. And I love that. Time that passes and what I do with it, is my choice and my gift to give, along with any other talent God decided to give me.

In my reflection, I take note the many Moms who work outside the home every day. I can't imagine how you do it, but I am sure, just like every Mom, there is an equal amount of rewards and sacrifices that come with the decisions we make....working or staying at home. I know the sacrifices made of staying at home with the kids, I have lived that life. I saw many of the rewards as well, grateful for those moments I will treasure, like a first word, learning to walk, telling their first joke and so on. A reward I didn't anticipate, is the one I am receiving right now, with these many hours of the day to myself. God is allowing and directing me to focus on things I never could before, things I enjoy, creative outlets and expanding my world.

What, exactly, am I doing with my time? Well, it's a post for another day or well, maybe never. It's not important and new projects are just that, new projects. Time will pass, projects and endeavors will come and go, but now, I look for what lasts....It's the 'why' not the 'what'. It's all for God and I give Him the glory for each and gift he has had in store.

Seeking God in Everything

2013-08-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

School is back in session and tomorrow*(This post was written on Wednesday.) starts a whole new day.

He asked me tonight before bed, “Mom, what will you do all day, without me?”

I paused, I didn’t have a good answer to that.

He was quick, “Be with Dad?”

“Oh honey, Dad will be at work, I suppose I will clean the house.”

He made a sad face at me, then hugged me tight, and said, “Well, ok. I will miss you, but I like my new teacher.”

How Do You Do It?

2013-08-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

BE FOREWARNED..... A RANT IS COMING....

I tend to understand why people have the tendency to ask this question.... I get it. I especially get it if the person asking it only has one or two or three kiddos. I have a larger family. I may have five kids to care for, yet this question, reasons I mean to explore, is really digging at my very core.

"And oh my, with five, HOW DO YOU DO IT?"

And it's rhetorical in nature. They really don't WANT to know how it all gets done.

I get it, fellow questioner. I get it. You probably don't feel right complaining about this or that, diaper changes, laundry, school supplies, school uniforms, meals, cleaning and so much more.... to ME. Oh my, I must have it so much worse.

Really has our quality of ranting between Moms come down to this? Let's compare who has it worse? Who has it better or easier? Interesting. Is that the level of complaining we've succumbed to?

I have done this job for almost 13 years. You CAN complain to me. I know the hardships, the scheduling, the organizing, the multi-tasking, just like you do. It's no different. By the time three kids or four kids come along, adding one more isn't all that difficult to mange. (And I do believe most Moms of bigger families would say the same.)

How does all the ins and outs of family life get done? Well we make a good go at it. First I do my best. Once I have realized there are only so many hours in the day, I work out chores for my crew for every day of the week. They live here, it's their way to contribute to the family and the household.

Perhaps smaller families don't have to hand out a chore list. Perhaps some larger families don't either. I am not a big believer that the Mom should be the martyr of the house, though there are days where it happens anyway, and I have come to embrace those days and those moments, as though God handed me something very special and just for me.

And in the end, if our house isn't perfect, but we've found time to relax and laugh together this summer, then that is what was needed. The house will wait. It doesn't care about dust bunnies, and frankly, neither do I.

The harder part is the pride that swells at imperfection. Ugh. I have to sacrifice something here or there in our imperfect house, I have to let it go, in order to really appreciate the day and the kids and our family for what and who we are. I love that. There is a freedom there that is really fantastic.

While the difficulties of having a larger family are real, I have discerned, what the meat of the issue really is. It actually comes down to how often we let our jealousy take us over..... of other smaller families, with larger homes, big pools, and amazing vacations. Would I choose to send one or two back if I had the chance? (That's rhetorical of course.) When I look at my Entertainer and Babe, and all the possibilities they have brought to our lives, I would give up a fancy house, a great vaca and any other material thing.

This little person is worth it.

The internal battle rages on. The beauty is that we have a rational and a spirituality to guide us.

Ok, back from my tangent. How do we do it? Not that anyone here is questioning...but am I guessing that this question comes from a financial place? How to afford everything that goes into preparing five kids for school? Is it about how do I maintain sanity with five kids? Is it about how to take them on luxurious vacations and keep up with the Jones'?

Well, it's a tough thing to answer. Looking deeper than a silly superficial answer, I will confess something near and dear to my heart... My HH and I have never looked to our left nor our right in order to find our happiness and security in this life. Our sense of purpose and fulfillment in this journey has never been from owning this car, wearing that label, owning a particular sized home in the 'right' town or subdivision. It's just not how we live. And I am not saying we wouldn't love certain luxuries, of course we would. What I am stating is that our happiness and security doesn't depend on those things.

In the end, my children, hopefully, will also not require those things for their happiness. Would it be nice for them? Of course. But we can't know the future. We can't guarantee financial success for each one of them. In order to answer the rhetorical question in my title of this post, "How do we do it?".... I'd love to be able to present a deeper answer to those who ask.... though not socially acceptable during circles of Moms chat and rant.

Guess what, the answer is simple. We don't do it. We don't do all the things you probably think we do. We find balance where we spend and where we don't. We concentrate on the real simple joys of this life, that are lasting, fruitful and given from God. How do we do it? Well, we don't. We don't do it ALL. We do some here and there, spend here and not there, we find our joy and security not in things.

Vanities of vanities..... 'Oh My! What would they think?!' Once we step out of other's expectations, a whole new world opens up. And it frees us. And it can you too. The letting go of what other's expect of us, brings a peace and confidence - words can not express it, and this post will never come close.

So, in future, if you ask me, "Oh My, with five, how do you do it?"

Here's the answer, "I don't. I stopped living up to what you thought I should be doing or buying, and I keep searching for my true source of security. I have given up the 'rat race', and chosen to be what God intends for us all, a rare flower of gratitude."

Pack Leaders

2013-07-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

This past week we have added a new member to our family of seven. And before anyone starts to think I am pregnant or just delivered Baby #6, the newest member of our clan is a Yellow Labrador puppy. It’s our first family pet, aside from the fish or occasional snake we find. Our family is truly coming together in new and fun ways in order to play with, clean up after, train and teach this little pup. It’s been such a treat to watch her interact and learn new things.

I admit, I was a little more than nervous bringing a dog into the family. When I was a young girl a big black, neighborhood dog pounced on me and my bike, knocked me over and took a good hard bite. Ever since, dogs that were any bigger than a poodle really did send me into panic mode. Deep down I am hoping if we start with a puppy, and she and I become fast friends, I will ease out of my fear into real confidence when it comes to dogs.

In my effort to become fast friends, I have read the book, “Short Guide to a Happy Dog” by the ultimate author on dogs, yes, ‘The Dog Whisperer’, Cesar Millan, aka, ‘The Pack Leader’. Interestingly enough, he states that dogs are pack animals and crave leadership, they crave a Pack Leader. It gives them a sense of security and ease to know someone else is in charge. What a concept! When haven’t I seen the benefits in giving children security by the parents being the Pack Leader!

However there are some differences…and Cesar puts it so well in the book I just read. He talks about the differences between humans and animals. Humans have reason, have spirituality and animals have instinct. Sure we can train an animal, yet we are training their instinct to respond to a certain call, not because they have thought through the reasons to obey or not to obey. They are instinctual creatures that we can, by being the ‘Pack Leader’, keep them calm, submissive and feeling secure at all times….thus creating the harmony we seek between human and dog.

As I began to exert my confidence and attitude of leadership of the pack, for our puppy’s sake, something dawned on me. Humans also crave leadership. It is human reason and passion that makes things complicated. We have a choice to follow or not, regardless of our instinct, you know, free will and all. On the flip side, at times, to be the leader, we must overcome our own fears. My fear is yes, getting bit yet again, but how many times have we seen the ‘biting’ that competition brings, socially or corporate. Perhaps we fear we will fail, better yet, we fear success.

Being a ‘Pack Leader’, of the family or otherwise, isn’t about me anymore, it’s about others. It’s about helping the family or the pet or co-workers grow in their learning, until ultimately they have a self confidence of their very own. As the leader we set the stage, we portray confidence, positive energy about life in general: optimism. Fear has no place here.

Our energy impacts others. Our emotional state impacts those around us. Nervousness, anxiety, being stressed out or tempers will not only put others in an insecure state, it de-values our status as leader, and encourages others to choose otherwise. Leaders not only control themselves and their emotional state, they portray a confidence to others, lead others to security and safety.

In our society, I know I am not over-reaching when I state we have leaders and followers. For some, comfort comes with knowing someone else is in charge. For Pack Leaders, comfort comes knowing they are leading others. As Catholics, or Christians, we don’t have the luxury of being followers in our day and age. We must constantly assure others and perhaps ourselves that security and hope comes from real place, a place of Faith. We crave leadership, at times assume it ourselves, look for it in others, but in the end, true harmony that we seek, is knowing, loving and serving a real and loving God…the ultimate Leader of the Human Pack.

Surpassed 50,000 Page Views!

2013-06-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

So just a little note that say a HUGE thank you to all my readers! This blog has just surpassed the 50,000 Page View milestone! WOW. I continue to be amazed that my little corner of the blogosphere can generate these kind of numbers.

Every Mom is "At Work" in whatever sense that means for you - It could mean that you are the bread winner for your family, in this case, Good for You. Perhaps you stay at home each and every day, and Work in all those big and small ways for your family, in this case, Good for You. Perhaps you are a mix - do you manage both? In this case, Good for You. Is your Work a kind of personal path to better yourself..... Well, Good for You!

Moms come in so many forms, shapes and colors - and if we are doing our best, meeting the needs, comforting and loving, then we are doing our job....one day at a time.

Please continue to read, as I will do my best and keep up typing as my sanity demands.

Thank you for your support and your feedback for the past 5 years!!

~S.tay A.t H.ome M.om at Work

Boys Into Gentle-Men

2013-06-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

This summer we've joined a pool at a nearby park district. We’ve been there swimming several times now, and it never fails, some young teenaged girls as well as hum, well, more mature women will be sunning themselves in scantily clan bikinis. This is the world we live in, and I am a firm believer in giving the tools to my children to go out into this world. I can’t shield them forever, nor sequester them in my home all summer long. I am not here to debate issues of modesty either. I gently review with my own daughters the value and dignity of a one piece swim suit, but today I was reminded, how my job isn’t just working with my daughters, but also my sons.

Today, as we took a break from swimming to have an ice cream treat, I happened to see my 11 year old son, (hopefully) innocently watching a few teenaged girls applying their sun screen to their arms, then their legs, stomachs and then, as you can imagine, to the cleavage left out in the open by their ‘barely there’ swim tops. As soon as I caught a glimpse of the show happening nearby, I quickly asked my Knight, my son, to sit on the other side of the rest of us, facing the pool in the opposite direction. He obeyed without even a questioning look, and I was surprised for a moment. Why didn’t he want to know why I moved him? Then it occurred to me, he knew. I asked him, “Buddy, do you know why I moved you?”

He nodded without making eye contact. I told him, “You are working so hard to be a gentleman, I see it all the time. You open doors for ladies, you offer your seat to them or to the elderly, you grab from me anything heavy that I am carrying. You are a wonderful gentleman. And I am so proud. I moved you, because there is yet more ways to be that gentleman. One of which is to avert your eyes when you see something you know you should not be seeing.”

He nodded, clearly he knew this. Pushing a bit further I wanted to be sure he understood my vocab, “Do you know what ‘avert your eyes’ means?”

He finally looked me in the eye, and stated, “To look away.”

“Yes, honey, but next time, do it without me having to tell you.” Neither him nor I wanted a long drawn out lecture pool side today. But I will be watching to see if he assumes this additional aspect into the many other ways I see him maturing.

It’s really tough to parent children these days, and form them in virtue – as the world around us is constantly undermining us. From TV, internet, movies, billboards, friends, cousins and yes, even trips to the supermarket – we are flooded with another reality of what is good, what is right, what is appropriate. My conscience never fails me and it is part of my job to pass along that delicate conscience onto my children. I have been guilty of turning magazines over while we wait in the check-out lane. I regularly fast forward commercials during football games and eeek even for the Superbowl! And yes, at times, have asked my children to cover their eyes when the previews at the movies were inappropriate for their age.

I never thought I’d be *gasp* that mother, and here I am just today, making my son physically move his body, and sit out of view of these young ladies sunning themselves.

On the way home from the pool, I simply listened to the chatter in the seats behind me to see if there would be discussion on the brief incident. Sure enough, my oldest, Thinker, age 12, told me flatly that while she was in the bathroom, she saw teenaged girls wearing ‘crazy’ swim suits. I innocently asked her, “What made them crazy? The color?”

She announced, “They had everything hanging out, Mom! And they weren’t even embarrassed!”

My Knight wanted to correct her quickly, “You know you’re not supposed to be looking!”

She answered, “Hum, well, I am learning what kind of teenager I could be or not be!”

To stifle the bickering quickly, I explained the work happening of Knight learning all the crucial parts of being a gentleman and how keeping a young man’s mind clear of such images is very important. “Honey, he should avert his eyes. And at this point, you can too, you know what is appropriate for swimming and what is not. No one should stare.”

This day taught me a lot, but mostly the importance of vigilance. I won’t catch everything, it’s just not possible. But what I do catch, I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to make a change, move a vantage point, make it a teachable moment. Form them, teach them, be patient, understanding, but firm. If I can make any impact on that little inner voice that prompts us all, then it’s all worth it. It is possible that one day, that delicate conscience will be the deciding factor in this woman, or that one, that my son will want to marry one day. Virtue begets virtue. They attract each other. He will admire it in her, and she will expect it from him.

Oh how I pray for my sons to be brave men, who have confidence in conquering the world, yet a gentle man in winning the heart of a woman. And it begins here, at swim day at the park district, with yes, his mother helping him to open his ears to his own little inner voice.

Medical Frenemies

2013-06-05T18:21:00.002-07:00

Medical technology is awesome. Truly, I believe it. How doctors can pin point what ails us with specific medical instruments have always baffled me. Even how the most basic thermometer works, tends to make me awe and wonder. This little thing can help me to starve the fever or feed the cold? Love it.

Well, I used to.

I had a surreal experience as of late. Working to determine the cause of a few symptoms I was having…ie daily exhaustion among others, my doctor had ordered blood tests and a thyroid ultrasound.

Now, having five kids, I have had many an ultrasound. And each time I visited radiology to have this test to see my unborn child, to hear and see a heartbeat, to see a tiny glimpse of their profile, wonder and awe always filled me. I was amazed at not only God’s creation, and my cooperation with it, but the wonder at advances in medical technology, where I could see my unborn baby in the womb, see them suck their thumb, swallow, and dare I say it, actually smile at me! When the later children arrived, the 3-D and 4-D technology in ultrasounds made me speechless. I couldn’t believe the images right before me, “Oh my, this little one has my beloved’s nose!”

After each ultrasound, I brought home pictures of our newest addition, even with some kids I was allowed to videotape the session, and I still have VHS tapes that show them moving about! These were/are still prized possessions in our home, and in baby books, that I will forever cherish. All from sitting back, gel smeared from one side to the other, and witnessing the miracle, that is life in the womb.

A thyroid ultrasound is quite different as you can imagine. I sat, again with gel smeared from one side of my neck to the other, as the ultrasound tech pushed and prodded to gain proper pictures of my enlarged thyroid. As I lay there still and, yes again speechless, I wasn’t as amazed at ultrasound technology. The room was sterile and cold, silent and filled with the air of nervousness.

My mind floats from one thing to another….. Gosh I hope she finds something. I need relief! Gosh I hope she doesn’t find anything, and there is nothing wrong with me!

Oh how I remember the days of ultrasounds with such fondness and excitement! Not here, not in this place. And I found myself drifting into years past, searching the screens our tech would present, hoping to see a foot, a nose, their heartbeat. As this little ones’ mother, I felt strong. No, not just strong, but invincible. This child within relied on me, my diet, my health, my strength in order to survive. I could have leapt off that sterile chair back then, to defend my unborn.

Results have returned with nothing gained, and questions still unanswered. How I used to love medical advances when they did what I wanted them to do. Now, these fancy machines are driving me to a whole other world. Why can’t they figure out what is wrong?

The next step in the process of diagnosis was just a few days ago. Yet another ultrasound, a Doppler neck ultrasound to measure blood flow to and from neck to head. Once again the gel is smeared, and tools are pressed against me. Back in the sterile, cold and nervous room, I closed my eyes and wanted to disappear. I used to be strong and stubborn! If only you knew me then! Suddenly, my eyes shot open when I heard a heartbeat. My baby!

And then tears filled my eyes as reality set in, as my tech was recording my own heartbeat, pushing blood through arteries in my neck. How a few short years have changed me so.

As my head and neck throbbed, and in a serious fog of past and present, I was guided then to yet another testing room, for one last exam: CT scan. I saw this massive machine, and looked left and right for cues I was in the wrong place. A nurse was quick to direct me to lay down and to lay still. This 3 minute exam was just like out of a science fiction movie. As I lay still I wondered if they could read my mind with this modern piece of equipment. Please God, help them to find something, but please God, let there be nothing wrong with me! Can you read my thoughts with this machine? Can you hear me and how confused I am! Find the problem, but oh, please don’t!

As quickly as I was in, I was out, and informed that I would find out my fate in 3 short business days. How ironic to regard the next three torturously silent days, as ‘business’ days. Am I going back to business? Am I to return to my home and family with no answers, no ways to resolve the issues we are facing as a family? What business is the next three days going to yield?

So, we go on. This week the kids were still in school, wrapping up this school year with field trips, field days and finally awards and graduation. Does our life stop, while we wait for results? Do I slip even further into the deep void I have found myself for the past four months? Or do I push through, live life with my children as routinely as possible in order to demonstrate the strongest front I can possibly manage.

Can I manifest the strength for the fight that has yet to come? Am I that same stubborn and feisty mother I used to be, fighting day in and day out for my unborn little one? Can I summon that same strength of will for these five little souls that need their mother back….need their attentive and nurturing matriarch back in action. Could all this be for not? Could the stress and exhaustion of this past year have worn me down to a debilitating point of confusion and frustration?

Traveling home that day from these latest tests using the latest medical technology available, I made a firm and conscious decision. Whatever comes, it is the will of God. I have surrendered to doctors, nurses and yes, radiology technicians. It is out of my hands, and in the hands of others. In my constant life-long effort to trust and to let God work in my life, perhaps this all is His way to have me turn everything over to Him, and let Him guide and decide what is next.

I’ve cleared my life for Him. He knows what machines used to bring me such exuberant joy, as it showed me what cooperation with Him can bring…new life. Perhaps this same machine still has this perfect mission in my life….perhaps it is meant to once again show me what cooperation…..with Him…….can bring.

Mother's Day Pearls

2013-05-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

Mother’s Day has come and gone, yes I am aware, yet this past Mother’s Day my eyes were opened to something so uniquely feminine, it deserved a moment of pause. At times Mother’s Day is so focused on us Moms, which is well deserved and rightly so. Our social culture will sell us on the perfect gift for her, flowers, mani/pedis or string of pearls. Yet, I was overcome with a profound understanding this year about our role as mothers, as caretakers having that ‘feminine genus’ that I’ve heard of so often, yet I rarely understood.

We attended Mass that morning, and as God designed, my daughter and 1^st Communicant was invited to not only wear her 1^st Communion finery yet again, but to be the selected little girl to climb the high ladder in our parish and crown Our Lady for the May Crowning. As I took the extra time to dress her again, curl her hair and use the many bobby pins to secure her crown and veil, I remembered something I shared with a friend, when she asked me about doing my girls’ hair every day. I told her, “I see it as my privilege to help them do their hair, to be fun and creative for a few minutes every day. I hope we look back at all these mornings in the bathroom with great fondness, as I felt it was my honor to assist them every chance I had.” And so as we rushed through the Sunday morning routine, and put more pins in my little Entertainer’s hair, I smiled to myself, thinking, ‘She will never forget these times I played with their hair, talked about big and small things, or got ready for big, special days together. Thank you God.’

My Knight served Mass this day, as again God designed it, and during Mass he rarely made eye contact with us or me to be exact. This day, Mother’s Day, as the sign of peace came, I searched him out. I saw him, but he didn’t know if I was looking or not. He simply looked my way, and made the two finger peace sign in my direction. It was so quick and emotionless, that he thought I had missed it. Then I smiled at him. And his face lit up, he smiled so big in return, and I flashed the same peace sign to him, and I couldn’t stop giggling in my seat. As I turned to my husband to see if he had seen the scene, his face told me his attention was elsewhere. It was a moment just for me. And tears brimmed in my eyes immediately. This eleven year old still needs his Mom – Thank you God.

As Father called my little Entertainer forward, he motioned for me to assist, he handed me the pillow which held Our Lady’s flower crown, which I was meant to deliver with my daughter. Such a detail…to give the flowers to my girl to give to the Mother of us both. It was perfect. She climbed the high ladder in her bright white dress, veil and crown. And as my role dictated, I stood beneath her, to catch her should she trip on her flowing gown. I heard the parish behind us singing a Marian hymn and for a moment, it was all crystal clear, this is a taste of heaven. Thank you, God.

Upon leaving the church, I ran into someone who clearly knew me, but I had never met. She was an older woman, who clearly wanted to tell me something, and she stopped me short of leaving that morning. She said, “What a beautiful family you have! I see your son serving up there, and he’s so young, and small, yet doing his best, serving our Lord. It’s wonderful to see.”

I mumbled a thank you or something to that affect, I suppose. I seem to get speechless when I hear such things,…as I want to tell her all the things I know for certain I am doing wrong with these children, these five little souls that I feel so unworthy to mother. I want to shake her, and say, “Well, if only you spent a day in my home, you might recant!” I want to tell her I spend too much time on their hair in the bathroom they will probably end up so vain! …and I suppose a hundred other things that I feel like I am failing at. And then it hit me, to just hug her….and tell her clearly, “Thank you. Thank you, they are great kids, and we are richly blessed.” For the words to speak, Thank you God.

When I finally got into our van, I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. Mother’s Day is giving to our Moms, yes, I get that. Yet what makes us special is that feminine detail in us to tend to others….Even those we have no relation to. We, as women, give to others, and other women give to us. We tend to the details. We say what needs to be said. We do what needs to be done. We can be warriors and the nurturers when the time calls for each. We see the slightest change in the emotion of one of our young. We sense other’s feelings or needs in so many moments of ordinary days. It’s incredible. As much as I give to others, they give back to me, tending to me, knowing I give to every detail; every detail has been tended to, for me, as well. It’s in our heart, soul and overall make up of our very being. Thank you, God.

Thank you for the many ways you have created us, sensitive and attentive, compassionate yet determined, seeing the needs, filling the needs and sacrificing and serving.

I will never be perfect at this job, but I can see a snippet of God’s design in how he created woman and mother.

Mother.

It is who I am. It is who I was made to be. On this Mother’s Day 2013, my vision for my own vocation, my own motherhood, gained a new clarity and vision. I tend to the details, I was made for it. And knowing that I may not be perfect, but going in the right direction was the greatest Mother’s Day present a gal could ask for. It’s the string of pearls for my heart and soul. Thank you, God.

Finding Each Other

2013-04-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

We had a serious discussion prior to getting married, my Hero Husband and I. I was determined to not marry someone who even believed divorce was an option. So I put my beloved to the test. I flat out asked him, “Do you believe in divorce? Because I don’t. I won’t marry someone if there is the slightest chance, you think this won’t last a lifetime.” Obviously, he passed, and the rest is history. However, I wonder how many couples have had this frank of a discussion prior to their wedding day.

Over the years, we've heard friends of friends who have had marriage trouble. We've heard stories of others, we've seen people separate and divorce and because they were more like acquaintances, it never really hit home. We could feel sorry for them, but in the end, we really weren't empathizing. We never let it in.

This past year, a friend of my husband separated and divorced, and a close family member of mine is currently involved in a bitter divorce. Being no stranger to hearing gory details of the demise of relationships, I guess we had assumed that we’d weather these two tragedies in similar fashion.

Even without us knowing, it did impact us, it did have us looking at each other in different ways. Almost like eye-balling each other, examining each interaction for those hidden signs that something must be wrong here. If it can happen to ‘them’ it can happen to us. And you guessed it, bickering and unrealistic expectations of each other resulted. Finally, in a heated argument, I remember shouting, “What has changed here?!”

My beloved shook his head without word, and the first thing that came to my mind was how close these two divorces had come to our hearts. “The only thing is your friend and my family, living through divorce!”

Again, I had silenced him, and we sat and reflected on this possible reality.

Had these two ending marriages made us suspicious of each other? Did it impact our marriage on some level? How do we step back and look objectively at ourselves and our own relationship, in order to avoid reliving someone else’s reality? Their marriage was / is not ours. Their dynamics don’t belong to us. How can we not let someone close to us, change us? It takes such work to put emotions aside and look objectively at a relationship and be willing to accept the other’s change and be willing to make changes ourselves.

Shortly after our heated argument, we made a decision which deep down I want to believe is both our attempts to work together on a project, compromise, and create a space only for us two. Our master bedroom has been, like many others I've heard, a kind of catch all. It housed toys, random items we don’t know what to do with, unfolded laundry, and a host of nick-knacks. It had mix matched dressers, unpainted walls, dreary room-darkening curtains, and a carpet in badly need of a good cleaning. We never owned a headboard or baseboard to our bed, no side tables.

Used to putting the children first and their needs, we tended to overlook ourselves, our own space where we would ‘crash’ at the end of the day. It was never a room I wanted to stay in for long…..for HH too, as he never liked my room-darkening curtains, and never told me so. I sold him on it, “Honey, it matches our bedspread!” …which years later, he confesses, he never really liked either.

What an experiment our bedroom project has been. No decision has been made by one or the other, we came together on every single purchase, down to the lamps, the ceiling fan, the dressers, the sheer curtains, where to rent the carpet cleaner, the color of paint for the walls, the shoe organizer in the closets and so on and so forth. I hardly recognize our room. It looks like a room we've vacationed in, in some far off place, a place to seek peace, relaxation and solace.

**Funny side note, on a Spring Break vacation, our bedroom had a King size bed. Neither of us slept well, as we could never reach out and find the other! The biggest bed was the loneliest.

As each piece was decided on and purchased, it turned out that we really do have similar ideas, and goals that we wanted to achieve in the room, first and foremost, “This is not a room for children.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I really love my kids. And I will never forget a great priest tell me once, “God first, girl. Then your spouse. Then your kids. Then you. In that order, girl. In that order.” I sat for a minute on that, to which he stated clearly, “Listen. The best gift you can ever give to your children, that you love so much, is a great marriage and a stable home.”

I have carried that advice with me for years and years, and it hasn't failed me.

So yes, my children may enter our new “Vacation Room” which we have lovingly termed it, but only briefly. It is not a place to play, bring toys or wrestle in. Now, I have breakable things in there! Which I love and here’s the kicker, HH loves them too.

Now, to be totally honest, we aren't completely finished with the room. It’s a process to live in a space, and realize what needs to be here or there. There are no pictures on the walls, still need the new bedspread and my 15 year old wedding dress still needs to find a home, but as the light shines gently to wake us every morning, and I turn to see my beloved in our ‘vacation room’ I have never loved him so much. Not only does he still not believe in divorce, but he’s willing to invest his time, his energy, his money in something just for us. For finding peace in hectic days. For finding quiet from our five noisy children.

Well, really, for finding each other.

Living in the Now

2013-04-08T13:27:00.002-07:00

The past is dead. The future: we don't know. All we have is the Now.

Lent came and went, and just as quickly we saw Easter fly by. We enjoyed our spring break and while things get back to normal around here, so has my time for reflection and prayer. And yes, as you can guess, something has hit me quite extraordinarily.

A few years back, we attended a funeral. Friends of ours who live in Wisconsin had lost their dear newborn baby boy to SIDS. It was a difficult funeral to attend, you can imagine. The casket was open, and his tiny face seemed to peer just above so all could witness the value and dignity of this tiny baby's life. The cathedral was packed, standing room only, and as our friends stood up front, walked down the aisle or turned to show their own faces - it was clear, they were struck in grief.

Their whole church community grieved with them. Looking about the pews, I'll never forget the scene. People here and there, crying while singing, hugging while mourning, or prayerfully taking their own time in digesting such a tragedy. Making peace with such devastation, isn't something I pretended to understand, and I still don't act as if I know it now. I hope to never feel the depths of pain that this mother, my friend has had to endure these past years, and will always hold so close.

These family friends showed us something quite miraculous in our time up north. They were clearly struck with grief, but their witness to that entire congregation wasn't missed on one person there. They proclaimed a kind of gratitude you'd never find in such a tragedy in secular society. Again and again, they stated their gladness in the Lord for the time He gave this baby on earth, with them, in their arms, in their home, in their hearts. They saw their little boy, as having fulfilled his mission, his purpose, and God had called him home. We never know the time or the hour.

These were people of faith. And when I finally fought through the crowd to hug my dear friend, this baby's mother, I simply cried with her, not knowing what to say. I searched her eyes, hoping something spontaneous would blurt out, and then she nodded, and with a quiet simplicity said, "Wasn't that the most beautiful mass you've ever seen?"

No matter what she would have said to me, I would have agreed. I would have said 'yes' to anything, to her anger, to her grief, to her frustration or her sadness. It would have all been justified. She could have taken a baseball bat to the nearest target, and it would have been allowed. Anything she did, we'd see as a mother's grief.

But she didn't. On this day, on her newborn son's funeral, she took up a role so admirable, so poised with nobility, I scarcely recognized her. This was her opportunity to demonstrate through her son's life and death, a living witness of God's love. And she took it. And she lived it. It was, I am sure, such a sacrifice to keep herself together, to keep her wits about her. For her son, I can imagine, she'd do anything to present the depth and value this little boy's 4 week life had.

He had an impact on hundreds of people gathered in that cathedral that afternoon. And in his life, he never spoke a word, he never sat up and declared anything. He never got that Harvard degree, not a doctor or a lawyer, not wealthy or wise. He made impact, because he was alive. That's it. His family made an impact on these hundreds because of the witness of thanksgiving they showed again and again. In their grief, they proclaimed God's greatness, as the weekend of the funeral was the Feast of Christ the King, and several times, these parents stated, "Christ is still our King".

A month later or so, I received a Christmas card from my dear friend with a picture of her family, at their newborn's baptism. They radiated life in this photo - all their six children gathered together all thrilled to be apart of God's family, and thrilled to have added a new member to their home. And in this card, the family stated the joy they felt to have had their son, even for these few weeks, that his life had purpose, and still does, if it is to bring one person closer to God.

It's the only Christmas card in my house, that has never made it to the trash. I re-read it every so often, and relive the whole experience. However tragic, it's something I never want to forget. It made an impression on my heart. You never know the hour or day, that one has fulfilled their mission and is thus called home.

We don't know.

We do know the past is dead, the future is uncertain, but the now is what we have. The now, is what we can cherish, value and make change. So kiss your kids an extra good night kiss. So hug your spouse a little longer than usual. Tell someone you love them, or bite your tongue when you know you should.

Let go of the past. Be like the birds: fear not the future. Be in the now. Live in the now. Keep your mind and heart present in every moment, aware that God was the one who gave it to you.

And as my dear friend, who still grieves for her son, would probably insist,

Give thanks for that very moment, for it is far too fleeting.

Spring Break 2013

2013-04-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

Bringing the peace this spring break.... I'll let the photo do the talking.

Wisconsin River

Living the Way of the Cross

2013-03-27T18:11:00.001-07:00

So on this blog, I have been MIA - yes - it happens to all of us. I can briefly state that while we've been busy, who isn't anyway, but that I have been hammering out ways to live Lent in new ways.

Got to get this done, check that off the list, ready for that tradition and somewhere find those pair of white shoes that matches this dress just perfect, and oh geez, will Carefree wear this Easter shirt, this light teal color with little complaint? All these questions and many more.

However, so many of the things that we mothers do, in preparation for Easter are all so important, making this season really come alive for each member of the family. The living and breathing of Jesus' sacrifice for us, and many times, we, the moms, don't have to look far for ways to put others first. We do it all the time.

We plan the tradition, the food, the clothes, driving them here to tutoring, there to church choir practice. And in our free moments, we wrack our brains, have we done enough, did we teach the true meaning, of the suffering, death and resurrection of our Lord?

I thank God that we get the chance each and every year to try again. Even should I lack one year or the next - if I keep working, moving and trying my best, the kids will absorb a whole childhood of living liturgical seasons. The life and breath of our Faith....and it takes a life time to let it all in.

They won't get it all right now. I have to accept that. I know as a 38 year old, I don't have it all. Bits and pieces, is what we all have at certain times in our lives, pieces of the grand puzzle that is the truth of our lives. These children remind me at times, by their own questions, what we are missing, what we haven't uncovered yet. And I love that. I love that they ask questions, and I love being there to answer them.

And if we have a lifetime of that, it's enough. One day, they will have questions that are beyond me....that only God will know. So for now, I cherish these times, when the simplest answer, the "Yes, honey He did die for us. He died for you and for me. Isn't that super special?" - is enough to have my little Babe hug and kiss me, as if I had done the suffering, as if I had done the dying. It's his way to show love.

And I smile inside, as should all mothers who give their time and energy, when we think we have nothing more to give - we get up again, we do suffer, we do die to our own wants and desires. How do we live Lent? All year long. It's our calling, it's our vocation. Motherhood - Another way to live the Way of the Cross.

Random Moments

2013-02-26T07:25:00.000-08:00

Life is full of these little moments, times when we find ourselves amazed at what little people will say or do, at times demonstrating a maturity or intelligence far beyond their years....

Here's my recent favs....

1. Mom to 4 yr old Babe: "So, what would you like for your birthday? A new Thomas train?"
Babe to Mom: "Oh, no, they are a little babyish now....how about,...hummmmm.... like an Ipad."

2. 12 Yr Thinker to Mom: "You know Mom, he might just have to fail a test, to know how important it is to study."

3. Entertainer, 8 years old: "Mom, school work, all of a sudden got hard."

4. Babe at bedtime: "Mom, after I die, do I come back to life in Heaven? And...will there be gum for me there?"

Falling Off The Lent Wagon

2013-02-20T10:03:00.001-08:00

Not even two weeks in and I've fallen off the Lent wagon. Sometimes, I think I focus my time and energy to ensure my kiddos are making their sacrifices and understanding this liturgical season. And as it tends to be, I forget my own spiritual development.

My Lenten 'sacrifice' this year wasn't to be a sacrifice, in the typical sense, like chocolate or popcorn, it was meant to bring myself each day, into the light and splendor that is the Holy Mass. Was my goal unrealistic, with five kids to prepare each morning? I don't know, I've seen families with twice as many kids to get ready and there they are, present in the chapel, perfectly groomed with reference and piety.

When others can accomplish what I can't seem to, a little stab to my pride makes me reflect on the differences of one mother to the next. Should I allow this family sitting in the next pew to challenge my own inadequacies? (because for sure I do!) Or does this family actually perform a different kind of service by their example?

Could it be that God allows for such diversity in order for us to learn how to accept others and accept ourselves for who He made us to be.

I may never be that Mom. I need to accept that. I might be that Mom in a few years and I need to accept that too.

At a recent church event, I was talking with a fellow Mom who indicated that this function was the very first thing she had signed up for in 8 years of being a parishioner. She asked me, "Isn't that terrible!?"

I would never condemn a fellow Mom, especially a Mom with little ones, for her inactivity in her parish. I remember those days, far too well. And I told her so, "It's not terrible at all! I remember what my life was like with little ones, and it was a real, rare treat to have a uninterrupted shower! At that time, I couldn't take more, even I thought I should! I think we both need to realize that we are doing a great sacrifice of laying down our lives for these little babies every single day."

Her relieved face told me how we all yearn for a kind of acceptance for who we are, our state in life, our accomplishments and yes, please accept the 'me' for 'me' including the common struggle for all us Moms with little ones to attend a daily Mass or be super active in our parish.

We all want to. I know I do.

God probably had other plans for me. I am sure He'd want me and my kiddos to be at daily Mass, groomed, reverent and ready to start each day with the power and grace that only the Eucharist can give. I want to be that family, and one day maybe we will be.

I do see that to get to be this family that I picture in my mind, and I am sure God expects us to be, that I still have work to do to get there. And step one, I do believe is accepting who we are right now. I am not in the habit, nor are my children in the habit of regular daily Mass attendance, and therefore, no alarm clock in my house is set correctly.

Breakfast time in my home, currently doesn't observe the fast required for the reception of the Holy Eucharist and I have three kids, soon to be four kids that would need me to tailor our first meal of the day accordingly.

My little Babe is rarely out of his PJ's when I am driving kiddos to school, and teaching him to put together something acceptable will require a bit of training, on both our parts.

There are probably a host of other practical elements that many families over the years have mastered in order to honor a daily Mass commitment. Just in the last few minutes, I came up with three, I can't even imagine how many more small adjustments we would need to implement in order to be successful at this ambitious Lenten 'sacrifice'.

In reviewing ourselves accurately, in stopping to evaluate the current state of life we are in, and the abilities and inabilities that we have - I am better suited to take the necessary steps to achieve where God is calling us. How important is a self-acceptance in this process. Imperative. It's a starting block.

I refuse to live in a dream world, pretending to be something, I just, currently, am not.

Knowing how God has put many goals on the agenda, that is my life, every new direction He takes me and our family will require a kind of submission to Him....and that does require little steps along the way. I have to make small yet serious adjustments in our lifestyle in order to accommodate Him. Am I willing to do it?

That's the real question here.

When it gets down to the nitty gritty, am I willing to see my own weaknesses this Lent to travel the distance, the road He has mapped? And that's where my prayer life can direct me and mold me into the Mom He wants. Maybe it's the Mom that has the children, groomed, set and present for daily Mass.

Imagine if this was not His plan, this 2013 Lent.

Real prayer and discernment should go into every Lenten sacrifice we plan to attempt. Is God really asking me this or that? It is too ambitious, or not enough? I admit, not much thought or prayer went into my ambitious plans on Ash Wednesday. I wish I had. Really, wish I had. The guilt for not measuring up has torn at my soul.

So I have fallen off the Lenten wagon. Perhaps I am meant to see myself in a new realistic fashion. And Lent isn't over, by the way. There is still time to carry the cross with Christ, I am just running a little late....

Love Thy Neighbor

2013-02-05T17:35:00.002-08:00

Understanding the will of God can be difficult. What am I typing? It is not only daunting, but at times simply maddening. It can include excitement at the prospect of His plans, and at times sadness to see our own will diminished and His will exercised. It’s like a roller coaster ride of highs and lows, until ultimately, we surrender ourselves and find the peace that can only come with His divine grace.

Lately, HH and I have had something pulling at us, as if God was trying to tell us something, so delicately that we can’t see it clearly. In His wisdom, it’s almost like, he wants us to figure Him out first, before revealing His plan. It’s rare that both husband and wife should feel this same stir deep within, at the same time, at least rare for us. So we’ve spent some significant time in discernment….thinking and praying through the many facets of our family of seven to hear God’s plan clearly, to see how He is marking things out for us. What does God want us to see and change in our lives, for us to represent His Will more accurately.

As I mentally imagine the many ways to enrich our family life, to make changes, my mind goes into far reaching places as well. Is God asking for big changes, like a move, like a school change, like a complete lifestyle shift? I began to look at every opportunity that presented itself, as if God was placing this in my path in order for me to align more closely to His will. Every opportunity became a discernment process!

And then I stopped looking, and asked God to simply show us, in very clear terms, so I wouldn't miss it.

And then yesterday happened.

My beloved had arranged for us to visit a fellow parishioner from our parish, that we were informed was very ill, couldn't leave his home and would not live much longer. It was a week day, kids had homework and tests to study for, but it all got put on hold.

They all made homemade get well cards and off we went. Not knowing what to expect, or the condition of this weak, ill man, we took the driving time to teach our children about corporal works of mercy. We are visiting the ill, the dying and the imprisoned. When were you sick or imprisoned, and we visited you, Lord? Yesterday. Yesterday we spent time as a family, hugging and laughing and crying with our fellow man, the person who used to sit in a nearby pew and play peek-a-boo with my Babe.

He asked for our prayers as he stated he doesn't pray much anymore. We insisted, “He is preparing a place for you,” to which he answered, “I hope so, cause I have prepared my own, the cemetery, I mean.”

For a weak man, his hugs were strong and filled with a mix of determination and resignation, if that’s even possible. We witnessed a man on the stepping stones of his last life stage. We comforted his daughter, and the kids tried to appear unafraid of oxygen tanks and the hoses wrapped around his face. They saw a grown man, needing help to stand, to walk, to speak and to wipe his mouth. They saw this man, a veteran from a World War completely reliant on someone else, in his last days.

We left the house, and our van was silent for a while, as we contemplated life’s reality. Part of this life, is death. I asked each child of mine, what they thought about the visit and was curious what will they take from this experience.

The kids had mixed reviews of the event, some said they were sad, others afraid, but the consensus of our group was that they could see the happiness we had brought by a simple visit to his home. And I thought about that. It’s true, sometimes, we see people in our parish, but never see their home, visit them and make a personal connection to them. To see others at Mass on Sunday…is that all it’s supposed to be? Or are we a community that will reach out to one of its own.

HH decided to treat us all for a pizza dinner out, and during the meal a neighboring restaurant guest decided to give our family a discount on our dinner. Overwhelmed at the night’s events, HH and I made knowing glances towards each other, as if we knew God has been working here.

Yes, the home work got done, and studying for tests happened so briefly, however, the lesson of the day wasn’t meant to be conjugating Spanish. It was meant to be a corporal work of mercy, and what it means to our fellow man in the pew. Will my kids remember all the Spanish they needed to know for this test today? I doubt it. Will they forever remember the man of last night, and his bright eyes, and the smile we were able to bring him? For sure. They will remember him.

And in this world of constant decision making, discernment, shall we say, I need to teach my children of the important , eternal lessons of the day….the lessons of love, compassion and mercy.

God working in our hearts, and being attentive to His promptings is not always easy. In fact, it will often times take us in directions that are uncomfortable or unpleasant, reminding us of things we’d rather take for granted. In the end did HH and I really figure out what is stirring in our hearts?

We did. Yesterday, we did know the plan. And we can’t say that we know exactly, every minute what He would want from us. But to be able to state in very clear terms that we got one day right – we got one event right, that we know God would have wanted us there, well, that’s enough.

Lord, keep stirring in our heart. Keep moving us to serve others. Help us to bring joy and peace to those who are lonely or sick. Embrace the dying, Lord. Prepare him a place, a garden for him to call home.