I wish I could say the most important things I’ve learned was something out of a classroom, but that would be lying.

1. Playing UNO on Xbox Live after 11pm will open your eyes to all that is weird. The card game we all know and love is available on the Xbox 360 marketplace and with a little luck you may be placed in a room of diverse individuals. It’s not uncommon to see an under-dressed mom tell her whole tragic life story over a simple card game or someone get too friend with their dog.

2. Immaturity is the only thing that will get you through tough times. College might be a time to grow up, but no matter how mature you are, a little immaturity will get you through that stressful week of tests and projects. I can’t stress how fun it is to mess with people while they are using the restrooms.

3. Condoms make the best water balloons.

4. When tampons are wet, they can be thrown far and stick to anything.

5. There is no reason to buy a set of silverware before attending school. Instead, borrow the silverware from the cafeteria. Every bit of money saved counts.

6. Be willing to share whatever food you have. For whatever reason, your dorm-mates will run out of food in a matter of weeks. As soon as this happens they will go straight to the person with the best snacks. That is life.

7. Borrowing turns into Keeping after a couple months. If someone wants to borrow something, let them borrow it, but make sure you get it back. It’s not uncommon to loan someone a game and then completely forget about it.

8. Jumping right as the elevator is about to stop might seem like a good idea now, but it the morning when you have to walk down and back up the stairs, it’s not so much.

9. Don’t let the drunk girl sit down. She will piss EVERYWHERE.

10. Sundays aren’t a good day to poo. Urine and Puke from the previous night don’t age well. Wait for the cleaning crew on Monday or find a bathroom away from any dormitories and/or fraternities.

Photo: Mike Burroughs

It has dawned on me that the purpose of college has become so convoluted that it’s hard to see the purpose.

Middle school: “We’re getting you ready for high school.”

High school: “We’re getting you ready for college.”

College: “We’re getting you ready for the real world.”

I’ve become frustrated with what school has become, it’s about getting you ready for something. What? The “real world,” says my Art History professor almost daily, but really? What is this “real world?” The “real world” is bullshit.

Take a second to watch the news, or spend some time on the internet. No one is living in this “real world,” people are living in their own world. Ignorance is bliss. I’m tired of being told, “just wait until you get into the read world, things will change.” Shut up. Your advice was in no way helpful.

Why is it that this “real world” philosophy is only given to college students. I know plenty of people that went work right after high school, is that not the “real world?” Is their “real world” different from my “real world?” I just don’t get it.

Another one of my favorite lines is, “Life’s tough,” well duh, but that doesn’t mean it has to be. If you don’t like something, then CHANGE IT, don’t drink the sugar-free Koolaid past generations are feeding you. Change how the world works, add as much sugar as you want, you’re in the “real world” now.

I want to dedicate this to every teacher I have ever had. I appreciate your advice about the “real world.”

I want to argue with someone on this, leave a comment, start a conflict.

I guarantee every student during their time spent at school will be lucky enough to get, what I like to call, a Professor from Hell. Now, how would I characterize a Professor from Hell? I can’t! They come in all shapes and sizes (and smells).

Professor Denim

My first Professor from Hell was my math teacher freshman year. He was an elderly man, quite large, smelled of cigarettes and gasoline. He wore all denim, all the time, party time? He was out of breath even when sitting. But what he looked like had nothing to do with it…well maybe. His problem was that he was boring, on top of that, ignorant towards anything the class put forward. If you didn’t understand something, Professor Denim wasn’t the one to ask. I knew he wouldn’t be any good, just by his striking resemblance to Jeff Bridge’s character in Iron Man, Obadiah Stane (only 100lbs heavier).

Professor Young ‘n French

Next, because you can’t have just one, was a young, quite attractive professor from France. She never wore the same thing once. She was always on time. And was extremely strict when it came to teaching. Her problem wasn’t so much the way she taught, but what she taught [n-o-t-h-i-n-g]. The class was one of the many generic classes the university requires you to take during your stay, this class happened to be about exclusively about PLAY. Now, how much is there really to learn about Play? There is a good solid week of information that could be taught about PLAY. Somehow, Professor Young ‘n French spread this week of material into a YEAR LONG CLASS. And boy was it a fun year. Even more surprising, the university is no longer offering that class…I wonder why. Did I mention she helped create the class and curriculum?

How to survive Hell

It’s a fact, you will get an EVIL PROFESSOR FROM HELL. I’ve compiled a list of tips for when you get so lucky:

• Sit in the middle of the classroom: The professor won’t hate you for sitting in the back, but won’t talk to you for sitting up front.
• Do the minimum: I don’t like to tell people that, but when it comes to those fluff-filled wonder piles called University Required Classes, just do what you have to do, no more.
• Leave feedback: Most universities have some sort of feedback system students can fill out about their classes. Make sure to be honest about the classes and include what was wrong with the professor. You may have just saved a future student from having the joy of getting a Professor from Hell.

Your Experience

I want to know about your experiences with terrible teachers. Leave a little note in the comments. I thank you kindly.

Apparently some people need a clue when it comes to cleaning (I’m talking to my roommates of Freshman year). I hope the following helps.

1. If you stand while pooping in fear of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, it’s probably time to clean your toilet.

2. If you have a Febreze budget, it is time to clean your room.

3. If your track jacket smells like ham, it is not ham. Wash your track jacket. Eat some ham.

4. If the mold on your microwave burritos is now classified as a house plant, it’s time to do the dishes.

5. Showering should make you cleaner. If dirtying occurs, shower must be cleaned.

Warning: Cleaning a shower, while showering, may seem like a good idea, but chemical burns and hazardous fume inhalation may occur.

6. If your jeans are a record of what you’ve eaten for the past 3 weeks, it’s time to wash those jeans. Or invest in napkins.

7. Using the dishwasher to wash anything other than dishes, is not a good idea. Speaking from experience, the term “streak free” does nothing for streaks in underwear.

Picture via (www.flickr.com/photos/debaird)

Fortunately, we have Amazon. That $30 math book at the book store is now $5.23. The $60 hardcover English book is now $6.50. Your total textbook expenses for this semester are under $40.

Amazon is made up of thousands of little sellers, all out to get rid of textbooks at a fraction of the costs you would find anywhere else. Yes, the books are obviously used, but they are often in better condition than that of the local university bookstore. Just make sure to purchase your books from an established seller, one that has sold a couple hundred books. The newer sellers can be sketchy and you might not receive exactly what you asked for. Life is good, screw the bookstore.

Now it’s time to make some money. At the end of this semester, god forbid you passed all your classes, most universities will buy textbooks for cold hard cash. That’s when you bring in your $40 book stash (and whatever other books you’ve bummed from your drunk friends) and sell them to the university. Now last semester I spent about about $40 bucks on textbooks and after selling the books back to the university bookstore I walked out with 80 glorious greens. I successfully screwed the bookstore. Paid for my books. Made $40 to spend on whatever.

Now if we could only figure out a way to get money for the school-made textbooks.

Key points:

Buy cheap on Amazon. Sell to bookstore. Make money. Laugh maniacally. Rinse and repeat.