Steiner's Vintage Internet Humor

Some more holiday cheer (2007)

2012-12-15T09:48:00.001-08:00

Hilarious rendition of the classic Three Little Pigs - and just in time for Xmas!! (not recommended for the kiddies, yikes... :-)

Click here for the animated Xmas special, Three Little Santas

(it's only 3.5mb, but may take a wee bit to download - promise it's worth the wait!)

This little animation is hilarious, enjoy!
And - M-E-R-R-Y

Xmas!!!

A Helping of Xmas Humor (1998, 2005)

2012-12-14T11:15:00.000-08:00

1998

1998

1998

2005

Remember Y2K??? Read on for the Etch-A-Sketch solution to all of your problems... well, almost... (1998)

2012-12-02T12:59:00.000-08:00

Many corporations have defined a lower cost alternative for NT conversions
that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue.

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by August, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
there are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

The Day Microsoft Makes Something That Doesn't... (1998)

2012-12-02T12:53:00.002-08:00

"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the
day they start making vacuum cleaners"

Ernst Jan Plugge

The Super Efficient Microsoft Enabled Vehicle... (1998)

2012-12-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

> Subject: FW: $25 car
>
> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
> computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM kept up with
> technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving $25 cars
> that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
>
> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
> stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
> driving cars with the following characteristics:
>
> 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
>
> 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to
> buy a new car.
>
> 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
> you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
>
> 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
> your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have
> to reinstall the engine.
>
> 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
> "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
>
> 6. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
> times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of
> the roads.
>
> 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
> replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
>
> 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
>
> 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
> 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
> and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
> handle, turn the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
> 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
> Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
> need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would
> immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
> Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
> Department.
>
> 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to
> learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
> operate in the same manner as the old car.
>
> 13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

Money changes everything... (1998)

2012-12-01T07:48:00.000-08:00

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no f***ing problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damned bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

39 Simple Rules Chicks Don't Know (1998)

2012-11-30T02:20:00.001-08:00

1. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly necessary.
39. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.

Busted!! Great Radio Skit... (1998)

2012-11-29T07:54:00.000-08:00

Too good to be true...very sad that it was...

Click here to listen in and enjoy.

Big Balls... (1998)

2012-11-10T02:00:00.000-08:00

Originally circulated as "Viagra" - these guys have some BIG balls, wouldn't want to be lugging those around anywhere...

ROTFL Funny One Liners from some Great Comedians (1998)

2012-11-09T13:34:00.003-08:00

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,

and anyone going faster than you is a moron."

   - George Carlin

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five

miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where

the hell she is."

   - Ellen DeGeneris

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."

   - Carol Leifer

"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in

business."

   - Shelley Berman

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the

Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.

Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."

   - Billiam Coronel

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore

helmets."

   - Dave Edison

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."

   - Steve Bluestone

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

   - Rita Rudner

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a

bank robbery has just taken place."

   - Johnny Carson

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a

rock."

   - Will Rogers

"Never moon a werewolf."

   - Mike Binder

If you're 50+ (originally...40+) (1998)

2012-11-03T10:38:00.002-07:00

(times they are a'changin'...originally published in 1998 for the then 40-plusers, had to adjust to 50+ to stay timely - gladly ain't there yet, but it ain't a long time a'comin...enjoy...)

If you're 50+...

We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods,
xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the PILL.

We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and
ball- point pens. Before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers,
electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man
walked on the moon. We got married first--and then lived together. How
quaint can you be?

In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of".
Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer
jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne; and having a
meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins. We
thought fast food was what you ate during Lent; and Outer Space was
the back of the Riviera Theatre. We were before house-husbands, gay
rights, computer dating, dual careers, and computer marriages. We were
before day-care centers, group therapy and nursing homes. We never
heard of FM radio,tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts,
wordprocessors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings. For us, time
sharing meant togetherness-- not computers or condominiums; a "chip"
meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware, and software wasn't
even a word!

In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred
to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, "MacDonald's" and instant coffee
were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 cent and 10 cent
stores where you bought things for five and ten cents. You could buy
ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime. For one nickel you could ride
a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough stamps to mail
one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for
$600.... but who could afford one? A pity, too, because gas was 11
cents a gallon.

In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable.
GRASS was mowed.
COKE was a cold drink.
POT was something you cooked in.
ROCK MUSIC was a grandmother's lullaby and
AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.

We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was
discovered, but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with
what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to
think you needed a husband to have a baby.

Avraham and the Computer (1998) {Geeky...}

2012-10-29T02:17:00.000-07:00

(A super geeky very Jewish piece that made the rounds in mid 1998)

And it came to pass after these things that God did test Avraham.
And He said to him "Avraham!" And Avraham replied "Hineni - here I am"

And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286 ; and
install upon it an operating system, a new operating system,
Windows95, which I will show to you."

And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He
loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he
took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose
up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows95.

Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows95 from afar.

And Avraham said to his young men, "stay here with the ass; and I and
the lad will go yonder and load Windows95 on our 286, and come again to you"

And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 286, and laid it
on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together.

And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham his father, and said,"My father".

And he replied, "Hineni - Here I am my son".

And Yitzchak said,"Windows95 requires far more memory than a 286 has,
how will it possibly run on your machine?"

And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he
shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust
and belief in the Almighty, he said,

"Fear not Yitzchak my son. . . . God will provide the RAM."

Straight Talk on Finance... (1998)

2012-10-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

[This is a set of questions that my friend was going to have
on a midterm in a class on portfolio's. Here are the answers...]

Ask Mr. Smartass, the Investment Wizard...

Q) Small caps vs Large caps: What can an investor expect from the two
categories? When would you want to invest in one vs. the other?

A) If you want your money to wallow in the sluggish pace of the
over-heated market and be able to talk about stocks with dinner party
guests, invest in large caps. You can feel like a stud, saying you own
Coke or AT&T, and people will admire you for being a savvy investor,
even though you have taken your children's rightful inheritance and sunk
it into a no-growth stock with a P/E equivalent to an average team score
of an NBA game.

If you want your cash to go to work for you and desire the opportunity
to make real money, invest in small caps. With a little bit of
analytical common sense (in other words, don't be a moron), you can
pick up unknown, undervalued companies and watch the price shoot through
the roof as "Wall Street Wizbangs" take their eyes off trendy tech
stocks featured on CNBC and notice these great bargains with great
potential.

The Bottom Line: Large caps are like fat sows - they can't get any
fatter or they will explode, right along with your portfolio. Small
caps are like malnourished sows - as soon as the hungry beast finds the
Wall Street feeding trough, watch your investment expand.

Q) Briefly explain the differences between the Dow, S&P 500, and the
NASDAQ: The nature of the indexes and how they differ.

A)There is a tremendous amount of history associated with the Dow. The
Dow is an index of a 30 industrial giants. It was created by Dow Jones
& Co. during the early part of this century, when much of America still
thought the world was flat. The number has very little meaning except
that it gives the average American a way to feel like they are part of
the excitement of the Market:

Man on the street: "Did you see the Dow today?"
Other man on the street: "Yes, 80 points! Can you believe it?"
Man on the street: "Amazing!"

As you can see from the above stereotypical conversation, neither man
really knows what they are talking about, but the sense of camaraderie is
clearly evident. Also significant is that 9 times out of 10, neither
man owns any stock and is completely unaffected by any change in the
Dow, large or small.

The S&P 500 is a tool created and used by Human Resource Departments at
finance companies to determine the size of the bonuses to tack onto the
6 and 7 digit salaries given to our nation's portfolio managers. This
index of 500 stocks is selected at random by HR representatives though
an interface with their employee tracking systems. They choose the
stocks based on whim or fancy, sort of like our salaries and other
benefits. At the end of the year, when they are deciding bonuses for
fund managers, they take the difference between the return of the index
and the fund manager's performance, and enter it into the following
equation:

Bonus = ([1-{R/4*e-X}+$75*n/6.3mm]/Q-M1*Z]+1/0)

where R = S&P return, e-X is a formulation having to do with the salary,
n = some kind of number, and the other letters are system derived
integers or something. This way, the amount of money given to these
guys for returns that were worse than what a monkey could have done with
a randomly generated portfolio can be scientifically justified.

NASDAQ is an index used to divert the attention of investors in national
market system stocks so they will not notice that the market makers have
stuck a 3/4 point spread into the stock. The wide swings of this index,
often shown on glitzy CNBC primetime "Tech Stock Mania" shows, gets the
NASDAQ investor used to seeing large differences in numbers, such as
between the bid and the ask.

Q) General thoughts on risk/reward trade-offs when constructing a
portfolio.

A) The risk/reward ratio is a direct correlation between the
intelligence of the investor and how much he will have at the end of the
year. It is like getting into a car with a drunk behind the wheel - the
more booze the drunk has guzzled (the less intelligent the investor),
the less chance you will get home with your innards intact (less chance
of having a net worth after the margin collection department gets
through with you). Let's face it - putting money into this overheated
market IS like getting into a car with someone who has had a bit to
drink. Investing smart is picking a driver who thinks O'Doules is real
beer.

Analogous Booze/Stock Chart:
Jack Daniel's = Tech stock featured on CNBC
Vodka = Asian Company (any company)
Red Dog = Mercury Finance, Centennial Technology
Schlitz = Bradlee's
Pabst = Cityscape Financial
Busch Light Draft = Quality Semiconductor
Budweiser = This stuff sucks too much to be correlated to any company
Wine Coolers = USA Detergents, PLC Systems (might make it home on these)
O'Doule's = Cellstar

Play it smart and at the end of the year, you will be able to convert a
few unrealized gains into a few pints of Guinness. And don't forget to
treat a friend.

Lincoln and Kennedy (1998)

2012-10-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

(Have a little patience...this is good...)

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.

Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And last but not least,
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Something old, something new... (2012)

2012-10-18T15:06:00.001-07:00

New, but a keeper for sure...introducing: The Royals

Aunt Ada's Rules for Jewish Living (1998)

2012-10-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

Aunt Ada's Rules for Jewish Living

1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.

4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?

5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.

6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors
d'oeuvre.

7. Always whisper the names of diseases.

8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

13. According to jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may
be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's
loud enough for everyone else to hear.

15. No meal is complete without leftovers.

16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you
can,
make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a
good
parking spot at the mall.

18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose
job.

19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created
Loehmann's.

20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye
and never leave.

21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
milk of
magnesia.

22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.

23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice
cruise?

25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big cadillac and
eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.

LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:

27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up
and
tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at
around age 45...

Things to Ponder (1998)

2012-10-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

THINGS TO PONDER
----------------

1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.

2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?

3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

5.. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?

7. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

9. Do married people live longer than single people or does
it just SEEM longer?

10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?

11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?

14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

16. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

17. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Dialogue with Moses (warning - very Jewish...! :-) (1998)

2012-10-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

A dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai....

G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a
calf in its mother's milk. It
is cruel.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat
together.

G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we
should wait six hours after
eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's
milk!!!

M: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean
is we should have a
separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we
make a mistake we have to
bury that dish outside....

G: Moses, do whatever the hell you want.......

Today's Vintage Internet Humor is brought to you by the letter "F" :-) (1998)

2012-10-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

Today's upload is an audio segment, a little over two minutes long, that will truly have you rolling on the floor...it' a great little piece on the most famous, infamous and frequently used word in the English language - aw, f#$% it - just listen up!

Audio - the F Word

Sadaam's Dream (1998)

2012-10-12T02:43:00.001-07:00

(this joke is also from 1998)

Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you
because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of
America,
and it was beautiful and all top of every building, there was a flag."
Clinton said:"Saddam, what flag was that?"
Saddam said: "It was the flag of the glorious country of Iraq of course".

Clinton said: "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called because last
night I also had a dream. I could see all of Bagdad, and it was even more
beautiful than before the war, it had been completely rebuilt. And just
like in your dream, there was a flag on every building."
Saddam said: "Oh yeah Bill, so what did these flags say?"
Clinton replied: "I really don't know, Saddam , I can't read Hebrew!"

Clinton and Liberty (1998)

2012-10-12T02:38:00.000-07:00

(He was always a naughty boy...but don't we all miss him?? Ok, some of us do... This image made the rounds in March of 1998.)

McDonnell Douglas Customer Satisfaction Survey (1997)

2012-10-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

(In the early days on the 'Net text was frequently key; apparently the following really did come off of the McDonnell Douglas site...)

> This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
> Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor.
> The company, of course, does not - and made the web department
> take it down immediately.
>
> **************************************************************
>
> Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
> In order to protect your new investment, please take a few
> moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
>
> Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
> information will help us to develop new products that best meet
> your needs and desires.
>
> 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
>     [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
>
> First Name: ...........................................
>
> Initial: ..
>
> Last Name: ............................................
>
> Password: ........ (max 8 char)
>
> Code Name: ............................................
>
> Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........ ........ .......
>
> 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
> [_] F-14 Tomcat
> [_] F-15 Eagle
> [_] F-16 Falcon
> [_] F-117A Stealth
> [_] Classified
>
> 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19../../..
>
> 4. Serial Number: .....................................
>
> 5. Please check where this product was purchased:
> [_] Received as gift / aid package
> [_] Catalog showroom
> [_] Independent arms broker
> [_] Mail order
> [_] Discount store
> [_] Government surplus
> [_] Classified
>
> 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
>     product you have just purchased:
> [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
> [_] Store display
> [_] Espionage
> [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
> [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
> [_] Was attacked by one
>
> 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
>     decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
> [_] Style / appearance
> [_] Speed / maneuverability
> [_] Price / value
> [_] Comfort / convenience
> [_] Kickback / bribe
> [_] Recommended by salesperson
> [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
> [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
> [_] Backroom politics
> [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
>
> 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
> [_] North America
> [_] Central / South America
> [_] Aircraft carrier
> [_] Europe
> [_] Middle East
> [_] Africa
> [_] Asia / Far East
> [_] Misc. Third World countries
> [_] Classified
>
> 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
>     purchase in the near future:
> [_] Color TV
> [_] VCR
> [_] ICBM
> [_] Killer Satellite
> [_] CD Player
> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
> [_] Space Shuttle
> [_] Home Computer
> [_] Nuclear Weapon
>
> 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check
>     all that apply):
> [_] Communist / Socialist
> [_] Terrorist
> [_] Crazed
> [_] Neutral
> [_] Democratic
> [_] Dictatorship
> [_] Corrupt
> [_] Primitive / Tribal
>
> 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
> [_] Deficit spending
> [_] Cash
> [_] Suitcases of cocaine
> [_] Oil revenues
> [_] Personal check
> [_] Credit card
> [_] Ransom money
> [_] Traveler's check
>
> 12. Your occupation:
> [_] Homemaker
> [_] Sales / marketing
> [_] Revolutionary
> [_] Clerical
> [_] Mercenary
> [_] Tyrant
> [_] Middle management
> [_] Eccentric billionaire
> [_] Defense Minister / General
> [_] Retired
> [_] Student
>
> 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
>     indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
>     spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
> [_] Golf
> [_] Boating / sailing
> [_] Sabotage
> [_] Running / jogging
> [_] Propaganda / disinformation
> [_] Destabilization / overthrow
> [_] Default on loans
> [_] Gardening
> [_] Crafts
> [_] Black market / smuggling
> [_] Collectibles / collections
> [_] Watching sports on TV
> [_] Wines
> [_] Interrogation / torture
> [_] Household pets
> [_] Crushing rebellions
> [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
> [_] Fashion clothing
> [_] Border disputes
> [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
>
> Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.
> Your answers will be used in market studies that will help
> McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as
> allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other
> companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious
> consortia.
>
> Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write
> to:
>
>     McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
>     Marketing Department
>     Military Aerospace Division
>     P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
>

The Monica Lewinsky Barbie Doll (1998)

2012-10-08T16:27:00.001-07:00

I just love Bubba, I do, and hell, I wish there was a way to bring him back... (too bad there ain't no WJC Jr. ha ha...) - but that whole Monica Lewinsky debacle, it was completely tasteless, and he never should have lied! An appropriate response would have been anything along the lines of "It ain't none of your fuckin' business, Mr. reporter whatever-your-name-is..."

If you didn't see the Lewinsky Barbie then - it's a keeper!

MYASS - Millennia Year Application Software System (1997)

2012-10-08T08:46:00.000-07:00

(note: myass - Originally circulated end of 1997; we were all deeply concerned about the Y2K bug (aka farce...) at the time - quite a few people managed to cash in on that as well...)

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.

We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and ORACLE, she was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business.

So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".