STEPcarefully for Stepfamilies!

Who Should Apologize First?

2012-05-18T15:37:00.000-05:00

Once again, studying in a coffee shop leads me to surprises ... and insights.

Overheard from two young ladies chatting over lattes: "Well I really think he ought to apologize to me! He's the one who started it!"

"Do you think he'll apologize to you?"

"Oh, I doubt it. He never says he's sorry about anything and I'm getting tired of it. He always thinks everything's my fault. But this time, I'm not going to be the one who apologizes first!"

Who should apologize first? I get asked that a lot in therapy sessions. Individuals - ladies or men equally, it seems - are adamant that they shouldn't have to apologize unnecessarily. They will argue and rationalize endlessly to protect their right to NOT apologize to their spouse. Amazing!

What is behind this passionate desire to not be found wrong? Only one thing fits that bill - pride.

In my pride, I will not admit that you were right ... or that you were even a little more right than I was. How many families has pride broken up? How many hearts has it broken?

The bible is pretty clear about God's view of pride:

"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6
"Pay back to the proud what they have coming." Psalms 94:2
"I will not put up with anyone with a proud heart." Psalm 101:5

Not good. Why does God hate pride so much, do you suppose? Well, let's look at the lady at the coffee shop. She was so determined that she would make her husband apologize, she was forgetting all about their relationship of love in order to beat him at a contest of pride.

Pride makes us try to hurt others so we can feel better about ourselves. In essence, pride makes us god of our lives and our world, rather than lovers and partners with our mates. Pride will eventually destroy relationships as you become jealous of your partner every time you don't "win." Being right becomes more important than your love for each other.

Q: Who should apologize first?
A: The first one who realizes they have caused pain to their partner should apologize first - and then not care whether their mate apologizes back.

Love doesn't mean never having to say you're sorry, as the movie line went. Instead, love actually means being willing to do whatever is necessary - including apologizing - in order to bless your sweetheart. Apologizing first is a win-win proposition. You apologize, they feel better, you feel better, everybody wins!

Do everything you can to keep your love alive and well.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Jumping Off the Cliff

2012-04-28T13:45:00.000-05:00

What lead you to get married again? After being burned so badly by your previous divorce(s), why did you - many of us very quickly - run back into another marriage?

Most of you will answer that you fell in love and hoped this time would be different and better. That this adventure into matrimony would not only work, but repair the harm from the last one. But, how could you bring yourself to walk back over that cliff?

I know that in my own case, I didn't walk, I sprinted toward my second marriage. I remember thinking a good three months before our wedding was scheduled to take place, "Why should we wait? Why not just get married TODAY?! We're in love, we are ready to start over, let's go!" I was held back only by the plans that were in place and the deposits that had been paid for the scheduled date. I was so much in love, I couldn't wait to start being happily married. Again.

As some of you probably know from our working together, the first two years of my new marriage was less blissful than expected. In fact, it was horrible. We jumped into it far too quickly and far too soon after our previous divorces. In retrospect, we should have spent a good two years (bare minimum!) learning about each other and figuring out how to blend our lives together - especially regarding her teenaged daughter's impact on our marriage!

If I'd paid closer attention in my university classes on psychology, I'd have seen that others had already studied this phenomenon of blindly walking off cliff walls. Back in 1960, two researchers named Gibson and Walk constructed a table to test depth perception in animals and babies. The table, as illustrated below:

was made of clear plexiglass under which was one half a table surface, and one half a drop off to the floor. In the experiment, very young babies - first animal then human - were placed on the "safe" side and encouraged to cross the glass table to the "unsafe" side. Animals almost never crossed, and many babies would not cross. But some babies were so focused on their parent's facial expressions that they happily crawled all the way to her. They were more interested in Mom's or Dad's smiling, encouraging faces that communicated it was OK to cross the divide than what their eyes told them.

Now "the Visual Cliff", as this experiment has become known, has real application in helping us understand why so many people ... people who are generally pretty clear headed ... will stumble out of the smoking wreckage of a horrible divorce, right into another relationship as quickly as they can find one.

We, like those trusting babies on the glass table, are so focused on the smiling, happy, beguiling faces of our new love interests (or other body parts besides their faces!), that, although we can see the drop off, we don't heed our body's natural warning responses.

"Dude! Stop! Can't you see you're leading us off a huge cliff, just like what we just fell from a few months ago? STOP!" To which we reply dreamily, "I can't stop. Sorry. Her ("eyes") are just so big and pretty and she keeps smiling at me and making me feel all warm inside," or "Don't be silly, Self! Can't you see how strong he is and how much he loves me? I just know it will be safe" ... to blindly crawl out into blank space where common sense tells me I'll crash to the bloodied rocks below, just like last time!

And off to the races we go!

Relationships, then, are clearly more important to us than safety, sight, experience, or common sense. Statistics tell us that our hearts will lead us where our eyes should force us to not go. Second marriages experience two divorces out of every three attempts, while more than three out of four third marriages fail. Got that? Two out of every three second marriages end in divorce!

The cliff is real! But we just keep on crawling. Why?

Because we NEED love. We need to have someone we can share the joy of life, as well as the fears of facing the world alone. And we are happy to ignore our brains to listen to the hopes of our hearts.

The bad news is that the odds are against you if you're in a stepfamily.
The good news is there is hope.

Yes, we need love; we need a partner to walk beside us. And that love is possible. Your marriage doesn't have to turn into a warning sign to others. It is possible to turn back from what may be looking like a disaster in the making. You just need help.

In sixteen years of working with stepfamilies, we've had OVER 90 PERCENT success helping you guys beat the odds. I'm still amazed at that number. We're not magic. What I teach isn't some arcane secret. I just help couples see the land mines clearly, then understand the best ways through the toughest times.

"The heart wants what it wants," as Dickinson said. Almost 100 percent of people who divorce get married again. We love that cliff.

If you're over the cliff, fearing that you've made a big mistake, and especially if you have children involved - don't give up. Don't freeze up and just wait for the drop to another crash. Get help. From me, from someone else, within yourself, wherever, just don't give up. Especially if there are children involved. Don't drag them into that abyss again.

Hold on and get across this time.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Mediation/Coaching Is...

2012-04-16T11:59:00.000-05:00

Some of you still wonder how I can help your family, your marriage.

I've explained my program a few times before, but here is a little video excerpt from a movie that pretty much shows what I do for my couples. Whether you're in a painful relationship or muddling through the difficult mission of parenting together after a divorce, I help with that.

In this video, I am the coach, and the two young athletes can represent any couple I work with - married, divorced, or just trying to keep life together.

If you need help getting your relationship and family running smoothly ... or just running again, email me. I'll be happy to talk to you about your situation.

I am open for any and all questions after you watch this.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Words That Damage

2012-04-06T16:28:00.001-05:00

[NOTE: This is a short excerpt from my guidebook for divorced parents, "Guiding Your Children Through Divorce;" full information is HERE]

[Page 20]

Expressing anger felt toward the other spouse,
that is, criticizing, cutting down, attacking, or disrespecting the children’s other parent, either directly to the children or where they can overhear you talking to someone else or to the other parent. Problems caused by one parent attacking the other parent can go deep; and usually leads to the following effects:

1) It Causes Confusion — This is harmful first because it confuses children about which parent to believe (“Daddy says Mom is a liar and mean, but when I’m with her she seems so sweet and kind, so who’s lying, Daddy or Mom?”). Once a child’s innate trust of a parent is gone, it is hard to rebuild.

2) It Causes Loyalty Conflicts — which parent to support. Children have a tendency to see things as black or white, good or bad, his side or her side. Due to this viewpoint, when a child sees his parents separating in a divorce, he immediately perceives a two-sided issue. Which means the child is either on Mom’s side or Dad’s side.

This mentality can cause a excessive stress for a child who wants the love and approval of both his parents. All to often, these children begin to show signs of feeling pulled apart and torn between two “sides” in a conflict. The child feels they must choose between Mom or Dad, which leads to internal conflicts of being “against” the other parent.

3) It Causes Authority Damage — causes children to disrespect the attacker. As we’ve seen before, a child resents anyone who attacks her parent, even her other parent. Criticizing or badmouthing your ex damages your own standing in your children’s eyes, causing them to lose respect in your authority.

So, what's the solution: determine to never fight again in front of children — The obvious solution would be to never, ever be guilty of attacking your children’s other parent. Unfortunately, due to emotions and a lack of self-control, many divorced parents find they don’t have the will power to behave in an intelligent, mature manner toward the person their children loves. In some cases, these parents honestly try to control their words and behavior, but are simply too weak to do so.

In most cases, however, parents who belittle and criticize the people their children love are simply unconcerned for their children’s feelings. They plead they are “just too mad” at their child’s other parent to choose to control themselves. They act out their selfish needs to retaliate and ruin their relationships with their own children, and often damage their children in the process. Some feel that ignoring the needs of their children is child abuse.

[NOTE: This discussion is continued in "Guiding Your Children Through Divorce;" full information is HERE]

A STEPparent's Job

2012-03-21T13:24:00.000-05:00

Dear [stepparent],

Regarding your question about your particular responsibility about your husband's kids, here's how that lays out:

1) the stepparent is not legally or morally or physically responsible for their stepchildren. If a child gets into some sort of liable trouble (causing expensive damages to someone else's property, for example), the biological parent is legally responsible for reparations for that damage. Not the stepparent. Morally, God places responsibility for raising a child and teaching that child how to be an adult on the biological parent. Not the stepparent.

2) The stepparent has the opportunity to bless the stepchildren; to teach them by example how to be a kind, loving, forgiving person. The stepparent also has the opportunity to demonstrate to the stepchild how to react, in a Christian manner, if they are insulted, ignored, or even harmed by the stepchild. The stepparent does have the responsibility to show the stepchild Christ in a very real way through daily living and lovingkindness (just as any child or person). Yes, this can be hard. I remember when my own stepdaughter slapped me in the face in public, (once physically and many times with her mouth and hateful attitude) in front of others, to embarrass me and to challenge me. As a Christian who just happened to be married to her mother, my responsibility was to demonstrate to her how a Christian would deal with a personal attack like that. (Remember what Jesus said about if someone slaps you on one cheek? Forgive and get over it and love them, He said)

So the stepparent, you and I, has no legal responsibility over the stepchild - but the Christian has a responsibility to witness Christ's love and forgiveness to everyone, ESPECIALLY those in our household.

---

One more point; Just because a stepparent does not have the responsibility for their stepchild, they are family. And, as family, they have a relationship with those stepchildren. You and I, as family members to our stepchildren must be careful not to shun those children, but to reach out to them as family members. When Dad and the kids are doing something, a family member should show an interest and care about that they're doing. If the stepkids reject your attempt, that shouldn't make any difference in your actions. We are still family members with those children of our spouse, and as such we need to show the same care and consideration as we do toward our spouse's parents, brothers and sisters, or their grandparents. Reach out with patience and love and respect because of who they are related to … our sweetheart.

It is a balancing act: love without having to, care without being forced to. But so is every other relationship we have - with our spouse, our parents, our siblings, etc, etc. It may not be the easiest, but it's the right thing to do.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Blessings of Being A Stepparent

2012-03-05T11:44:00.000-06:00

1) I married my high school sweetheart after we'd both been divorced upon by our spouses, so new life, new hope;
2) she brought a daughter, sort of a curse AND a blessing;
3) she then had a son, my step-grandson - a definite blessing!

Here is a journal entry I wrote about a day with my grandson, back in 2002:
------------
February 2002

What a perfect day with Michael!
I never could have believed (and now I speak with faulty memory, because his presence has altered my mind so much) that I could be so completely taken by a baby boy! I think of him far more often than anyone else, and wonder about him whenever he is not with me. When he runs to me and wraps his arms around my leg, either to hug me or in an attack, I just feel all poured out for him. What I mean is that he seems to take over my full emotions. To make him giggle or even to scream with delight makes me feel like the most successful man in the world.

Today was a Monday, which means that I have promised to set all else aside to care for Michael. It’s definitely a foolish thing by the world’s standards, but I’m afraid I’m completely foolish when it comes to this little boy. After dropping Jo (Nana) off at her job, I came back home to find Jennifer almost ready to leave for her job and Michael still asleep. I puttered with home chores – dishes, trash, etc. – until I heard him call o ut. I called to him, “Hey Buddy, Grandpapa’s here.” In a few minutes, he toddled into the living room, tilted his head ‘way to the side and grinned at me.

We spent the morning playing and watching some cartoons, then while watching Bear in the Big Blue House, he started getting drowsy, so he got up and stumbled over to the couch, climbed up, and scooted over onto my lap! He laid his head back on my chest and stuck his bottle in his mouth. He could only sit still for so long, lest he fall asleep. So he hopped down and sprawled on the carpet, propping his chin on his fist, while his feet were propped up in the air. I couldn’t resist ... I laid down beside him, adopting the same pose. He snuck a look at me out of the corner of his eye, then got up on his knees and flopped on my back to watch TV from there. I rolled over so that he fell off giggling, and got on my hands and knees looking at him. He charged toward me, butting me in the head with his head. I dropped my head and burrowed into his belly. He squealed and grabbed my shirt, wrestling with me. I fell back on my back and he pounced on me.

We wrestled like that until we were tired (really I tired much more quickly than he did!) and we sat back on the couch. His mommy came home then for lunch. He had a sandwich with her, and when she left I laid him down in his play pen with a bottle of milk for a nap. He never made a sound, just looked up at me with sleepy, bright eyes. After his nap time, I had gotten us ready for a trip to town, so I went in to wake him. I leaned over his bed and whispered, “I love you. I love you, Michael.” He slowly opened his eyes and then jumped up when he saw me, and held out his arms to be picked up. I got him dressed and we left the house.

We then went to Wal-mart. I took Michael in to get Jo’s medicine refilled. After getting the pills, we played some. I’d push the cart out in front of me, crouch down and growl, “I’m gonna get your belly!” while running up on the cart and tickling his tummy as he squealed. We did figure eights, and drove through the too-tightly-packed clothing aisles, the shirt sleeves ticking his face. If anyone was paying attention, surely they thought I was nuts! Or maybe they envied me getting to play with such a wonderful baby. We bought some supplies for my new office and check ed out.

Then we went to get Jo. I took Michael upstairs to let her show him off. As we started in the front door of the clinic, I said, “Let’s find Nana, OK? Nana?” He perked up and said, “Nana? Nana! Nana!” looking around for her. In the elevator, I sat him down and he walked out, holding my hand. Jo was delighted to see him (of course!)

After we dropped Jo off at college, Michael and I went by the office to get a phone number about tomorrow’s appointment. Michael again captured everyone’s attention. He sat on my lap at my desk ... and knocked pictures off the desktop. Leaving there, we went back to my dad’s apartment.

Michael picked up a package of gum Dad had laying on a table. Dad said, “Oh no, Michael, let me have that before you lose it.” Michael grinned and took off with the gum! I said, “Oh you little fart! Gimme that gum!” He fell on the gum and hung on for dear life. I pried his little fingers off the now crushed gum sticks and started chewing on his belly. He just flopped back and grinned at me as if to say, “Go ahead, Papa, get me. That’s why I started the trouble anyway.” So I picked him up and (carefully) tossed him on Dad’s bed, then dove on top of him, pinning him under my chest. He screamed and started kicking. I got up and he charged right at me, hitting me in the chest with his head. I tickled his back and knees as he tried to squirm away.

We left Dad to get Jo from Westark and head home. I laid down for a much needed nap. When I woke up, it was to a happy little boy laying across my chest, hugging me awake. Before he went to sleep that night, in bed with his mama, he leaned up from the covers and patted me on my arm, his way of saying, “Thanks for a good day, Papa. I love you.”

What a great day!

Making Memories

2012-02-22T10:56:00.000-06:00

Have you heard of Spotify? I have recently discovered this gem on the web - all the music in the world (they claim) to listen to for free. I've created playlists of my favorite 80s hits (ELO, Huey Lewis, Starship), Rocking Country (Sawyer Brown and Kentucky Headhunters), classic gospel (Keith Green and Amy Grant). It makes for great background music. But just today I remembered my very first love ... The Archies! I checked and sure enough - there it was, my first album - Everything's Archie. Wow.

As I started listening to Melody Hill, Kissin', and, of course, the staples: Sugar, Sugar, and Jingle Jangle, my mind was rocketed back to days when I was a little boy, listening to The Archies on the stereo (think of an antique CD player) while laying on the couch or dancing in Mom's living room. I could feel the water cooler (an early air conditioner) blowing, smell Mom's burgers cooking in the kitchen, and I was there.

All the memories came rushing in - sweet Summer days with Mom and Dad at the lake, building G.I.Joe and Tonka cities in the back yard, my first dog, Tippy, and the sense of belonging and peace. The funny thing is, home wasn't always very peaceful.

Try as she might, Mom had a tough task making a happy home with Dad's penchant for drink (sure, and we ARE an Irish family!) and Mom's absolute disdain for drunkenness. There were many long loud nights when I would lie in my bed, fearing the worst as they fought out their bitterness. I was terrified they would hurt each other or Dad would leave again or that he'd stay and they'd never stop fighting.

Memories are a mixed bag for most of us - some beautiful, idyllic scenes of being a relatively carefree kid, mixed with being a scared little kid who had pretty much no control over anything in my world. But one thing seems to be true for all kids I've talked to or read of: they love having family and being part of a home. Doesn't matter if that home has periods of yelling and anger, it's still Home.

Yes, many families fight a lot. But most kids - after they've grown and can look back clearly - admit they loved their parents no matter how they acted toward each other. The excuses I hear for many of the divorces I mediate are that the parents are convinced their own marital dissatisfaction is making their children miserable, too. Study after study show this to be false. Kids want Home.

Back to memories (The Archies are still playing in the background) - why do I automatically leap to the happy memories of my long-past youth? There were plenty of sad/angry/scary memories, too. But we lean toward the happy memories. Most of us do, anyway.

So my question to you is, what kind of memories are you building for your own children? What about your stepchildren? What memories will a song bring back to their minds someday, complete with sounds, smells, and emotions of these days? What are you planting there?

I teach consistently that stepparents are not responsible for their stepkids - that's the job for the biological mom and dad. And the bio-parents will build most of the good and bad memories of their own children. But you and I have a hand in our stepkids' present past, too. We have the opportunity to help these tender hearts grow into sensitive, loving, understanding adults. (Yes, even the surly teens have tender hearts!)

Every time we yell at their parent; every time we sulk and withdraw to "punish" them; every time we make demands out of a sense of responsibility that isn't ours instead of accepting and guiding them, we are making memories that will shape their whole lives. Because, you see, WE are teaching them about love and forgiveness and patience and kindness in ways their own parents cannot. Mom and Dad "have" to love them ... it's their job. But when we overlook the snotty attitudes, the shunning, the rudeness and love them anyway, we have made an impression on that young heart that will never be forgotten.

Well, my album is ending, so I need to get back to the present. But please think about the impression you are making on your stepchildren, who are yours by the grace of God and the permission of their parent you've married. You and I really can be heroes if we take the challenge to plant good memories in our stepkids.

God bless your whole family!

STEPcoach Bob Collins

[Here's my Archies playlist: The Archies – Everthing's Archie]

Why so many divorces?

2012-01-12T08:56:00.001-06:00

A question on Quora recently got my juices flowing. The question was, "Why can't most people be satisfied in married life? Why are divorce rates so high around the world?"

I've developed my answer to this particular question over 16 years of intensive work with divorcing couples, dissatisfied married couples, and re-married couples ("blended families"), as well as my own divorce and second marriage. I honestly believe that some couples should not have married in the first place. I agree, generally, with Jan Mixon that marriages are entered into too lightly, with too little clear, logical thought. Marriages like these are NOT true marriages, they are couples playing house on a temporary basis.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. A sincere, legal, moral, and often religious vow is taken to never leave or forsake each other through any difficulties that may arise. If this vow is not a flippant lie, divorce is impossible. I've never heard vows (though I'm sure someone has made up some) that allow for escape possibilities - "till boredom do us part," "as long as you remain interesting to me," etc.

Divorce is always damaging. Period. Even when the couple "is cool with it." To have failed at a solemn vow degrades the personality and the soul. It makes the vow breaker think less of him/herself and makes all future commitments much weaker. When there are children involved, divorce is akin to abuse. Ask any child whose parents have divorced and they will tell you they wish their parents had resolved their differences and remained married. The statistics of what damages are done to children of divorce are many, and all tell of children whose quality of life and happiness has been severely reduced.

But, the question is why people can't be satisfied in marriage (someone said correctly that divorce rates have dropped in the US dramatically in the last decade). My understanding, again based on 16 years of working intimately with divorced, divorcing, and remarried families, is that their understanding of commitment is flawed, often by parents who taught them and society which reinforced that they could have whatever they want, they have an innate right to be absolutely happy all the time, and because they have selfish desires for new adventures despite what effect satisfying those desires will have on others.

Unpopular ideas, I know ... but I've had far too many divorced/remarried people tell me those ideas are correct to doubt them. We want everything perfect and when our marriage relationships or home situations are not, we whine and run away. Society supports this dangerous behavior because the majority of society wants to keep that same option open for themselves.

Should some marriages be ended? Yes, but very few. I have successfully helped many, many couples rehabilitate their relationships who had experienced what society calls "deal breakers" - adultery, drug addiction, abuse, and betrayal of many sorts. These are only deal breakers if one or both sides are determined to give up and run away and abandon their vows.

Christians, in particular, have very few true reasons for divorce, and those are still excuses to lie. Yes, yes, yes, a woman (or a man) who is consistently abused by their spouse should get away from him and protect herself. But there are often alternatives to divorce. When children are involved, they must certainly be protected, but divorce of their two parents is not always the best, and certainly not the only solution. I've witnessed far too many families brought back to peace who were convinced divorce is the only solution.

Your Opinion, Please

2011-12-20T08:59:00.000-06:00

I'd honestly like to hear your opinion on this question which recently came up in a discussion group for stepparents of difficult children ...

Which is worse (or, conversely, which is better) -

1) no physical discipline, but plenty of verbal; or

2) calm, physical discipline?

This question came up after a rather passionate discussion of how parents and stepparents handled hard-to-control children. Some were vehemently opposed to any sort of "physical violence" such as spanking, slapping, or bodily lifting and placing a child in a chair. Their reasoning was that violence begets violence. If you teach a child that hitting is acceptable, that child will fall back on hitting when he or she is excited.

The negative side of this group was that they admitted to far-too-often succumbing to the temptation to scream at their children to get their attention. Instead of grabbing Junior up from the TV and making him get moving, the tended to steadily increase from telling, to yelling, to screaming at him to move. They confessed they "lost it" at least once a week.

The "spare the rod, spoil the child" group first categorically insisted they had specific guidelines regarding corporeal punishment: when, how, and why to spank or slap, and usually had a follow-up strategy. Their method is generally to avoid emotional outbursts and to administer fair amounts of physical discipline, from bottom swats, to hand slaps, to lifting and removing the child.

Both sides were solid in their belief that theirs was the best way, and both had many examples of how well their own program worked for their children.

But this was a fairly small group - only 6 couples. So I decided to expand this question. I'd like to know how most families deal with discipline/guidance for their unruly children. Please answer using the anonymous option on the comment page so there is no question of anyone getting in trouble.

Other stepparents and biological parents are facing the same issues you are. I know they'd like to hear your opinions and your reasoning for your side.

Thanks,

STEPcoach, Bob Collins

25 Ideas that might make Life Easier...

2011-12-20T08:36:00.000-06:00

A chum sent this along in an email. Don't know where it came from originally (sorry I can't give credit where credit is due), but I thought you'd appreciate some of these brilliant tips. Merry Christmas, y'all!

Why didn't I think of that?!

We guarantee you'll be uttering those words more than once at these ingenious little tips, tricks and ideas that solve everyday problems … some you never knew you had!

(Above: hull strawberries easily using a straw).

Rubbing a walnut over scratches in your furniture will disguise dings and scrapes.

Remove crayon masterpieces from your TV or computer screen with WD40 (also works on walls).

Stop cut apples browning in your child's lunch box by securing with a rubber band.

Overhaul your linen cupboard – store bed linen sets inside one of their own pillowcases and there will be no more hunting through piles for a match.

Pump up the volume by placing your iPhone / iPod in a bowl – the concave shape amplifies the music.

Re-use a wet-wipes container to store plastic bags.

Add this item to your beach bag. Baby powder gets sand off your skin easily – who knew?!

Attach a Velcro strip to the wall to store soft toys.

Look up! Use wire to make a space to store gift wrap rolls against the ceiling, rather than cluttering up the floor.

Gotcha! Find tiny lost items like earrings by putting a stocking over the vacuum hose.

Make an instant cupcake carrier by cutting crosses into a box lid.

For those who can't stand the scrunching and bunching: how to perfectly fold a fitted sheet.

Forever losing your bathroom essentials? Use magnetic strips to store bobby pins (and tweezers and clippers) behind a vanity door

A tip for holiday packing. Store shoes inside shower caps to stop dirty soles rubbing on your clothes. And you can find them in just about every hotel!

A muffin pan becomes a craft caddy. Magnets hold the plastic cups down to make them tip-resistant.

Bread tags make the perfect-sized cord labels.

Bake cupcakes directly in ice-cream cones – so much more fun and easier for kids to eat. Definitely doing this!

Microwave your own popcorn in a plain brown paper bag. Much healthier and cheaper than the packet stuff.

Brilliant space-saver: install a tension rod to hang your spray bottles. Genius!

Win friends at breakfast with this heart-shaped egg tutorial. Aww shucks!

Turn your muffin pan upside down, bake cookie-dough over the top and voila – you have cookie bowls for fruit or ice-cream.

Click here for recipe.

Freeze Aloe Vera in ice-cube trays for soothing sunburn relief.

Gutter garden: Create a window-box veggie patch using guttering.

Use egg cartons to separate and store your Christmas decorations.

A Buying Guide for Your (STEP) Daughter

2011-12-09T11:56:00.000-06:00

Does the following conversation sound familiar?

"What should we get Debbie for Christmas this year?"

"I don't think we should get her a phone yet. Other parents have bought their girls phones at her age, but it just seems too early."

"Yeah, I agree …"

(Usually followed by dead silence.)

If you have a teenage daughter or stepdaughter in your home, you've probably had a similar discussion. Or you will before too long. As your daughter is growing up, you don't want to give her too much too soon.

Maybe this is a good time to start thinking: what does our daughter need? It's easy to buy what our daughters want … they usually tell us! But what do they need?

Working with stepfamilies who have teens has taught me a principle: Giving your teen too much may equal giving her too little. Some of the most disturbed girls I have known have been the most spoiled. We spoil our daughters when we give them things they just want instead of things they really need.

Girls who don't get what they need from their fathers demonstrate a hunger in their heart. This hunger is often revealed in at least four ways: boredom, self-involvement, becoming boy crazy, or becoming demanding.

What can a father do to feed the hunger in a daughter's heart? What can we do to keep her from becoming a demanding, self-involved, boy-crazy girl? Answer: feed the genuine hunger of her heart. Give her what she really needs.

I believe there are three things a daughter needs from her dad;

1. Connection

A daughter needs to feel special. she needs to know we consider her valuable. She needs to know we like her—that we want to spend time with just her. One-on-one time is an effective way to show your daughter she is very special to you.

Another way to connect with our daughters is with meaningful touch. They need it the most when it's the most difficult to give. When our little girls become teens, we're tempted to back off with our physical affection. "I wouldn't want to do anything inappropriate," we dads or stepdads reason. And that's good, but our daughters still need dad's affection. Just because she's beginning to look like a woman doesn't mean she doesn't still need your meaningful touch. Sure, it will be different from when she was younger. Instead of wrestling on the living room floor, now it's a quick hug.

Time and place are important, too. I have noticed that my teenage stepdaughter is open to more affection when our family is all together in the privacy of our home. When watching TV for example, we often snuggle close with popcorn, laughs, and affection to share.

Some dads have found it helpful to have a daddy-daughter date every so often. Whether it's once a week or once a month, the consistency of a focused time together strengthens the relationship and shows you care enough to take time out just for her.

2. Communication

Have you noticed your daughter is different in some ways from her mother? Every woman is unique. Become a student of your stepdaughter. Ask yourself: What is her favorite kind of music? What makes her happy? What makes her angry? What's she hoping for? Who are her friends? Part of becoming a student of your daughter is determining her language of love. Does she seem to appreciate it more when you do things for her … or with her … or when you present her with a gift?

Regardless of the dialect, try to figure out what speaks love to your daughter. Then practice communicating love the way she "gets it." Develop a strategy to communicate love….

One strategy is letters. She probably doesn't want to listen to a lecture, so why not try writing her a letter. List the topics you want to share with her and begin. You may start with one letter a week. You could write about how proud you are of her dedication to band practice, or your concern over her sad mood lately, or the sweet way she sings along with the radio while doing her homework. Find something positive to lift her up and let her know you are paying attention. Even though communication and writing letters (not emails!) may be difficult for you, it's worth doing.

But if you think verbal communication is sort of overrated, try non-verbal communication. I try to come up with creative ways to communicate with my stepdaughter. I might place small notes on her mirror, in her textbook, or hide them under her pillow during the day. You might buy yours her favorite ice cream flavor, put it in the freezer, and leave her a few written clues to find it.

Or try talking with built-in distractions. Teens often don't communicate the way adults do. the aren't as confident as we are. If they have a built-in distraction, they may feel more secure. For example, you might have noticed that some of the best conversations occur in the car. That's because at any given moment, if the discussion gets uncomfortable, your daughter can say, "Hey, look at that!" and easily change the subject. It's safe.

One dad likes to go to restaurants that have crayons and coloring sheets and grab one for everybody. He's found that his stepdaughter really opens up when she is coloring, sipping on a shake, and chatting with someone who listens ... even if it's just him. Dads, make sure you take the time to communicate how you're feeling. Let her see that you have emotions. For many females, the only emotion they see in a male is anger.

Prepare your daughter for a healthy marriage and a healthy relationship with you by letting her know how you feel. If you are feeling stress from work, admit it. If you are worried about her, tell her. Open your heart to the little girl still inside your teen.

3. Commitment

Some dads have the zeal and the information, but if they're lacking the commitment, it won't happen.

How does a father demonstrate commitment to his daughter? By loving her when she is the most unlovable. Unconditional love reflects commitment … "I will always love you; no matter what." Those teen years provide ample opportunities to test your unconditional love. Maybe that's why God designed it that way. When our daughters need it the most, they make love the hardest to give. If you're like me, sometimes I just don't feel the unconditional love I need to show. I have to first go to my heavenly Father. That is part of His design.

Show your commitment by affirming your daughter. or stepdaughter. Affirm her distinctiveness. Accept and affirm that she is different from you. Accept and value her perspective. A practical way to affirm your daughter might be to give her a gift that says, "You are special." You could give a book or Bible with your note of affirmation written inside; something like: "May God's Word guide you as it has me. It is my prayer that you will continue to grow as a woman of God. Your mother and I are proud of you."

We need a generation of women who are loved, confident, understood, and valued. As fathers and stepfathers, we can be shapers of the next generation of women. The challenge is to give our daughters what they really need.

STEPcoach, Bob Collins

Out of Africa — Truth

2011-11-01T14:53:00.000-05:00

[This interesting article is respectfully borrowed from www.ghanaweb.com/]

Akumaa Kicks Against Sex Before Marriage

Ace radio sex educationist and presenter, Akumaa Mama Zimbi, born Joyce Dongotey-Padi, has started what can be described as a campaign against those who find delight and believe in the idea of having sex before marriage.

For several years, the veteran actress has been noted for promoting a good sex lifestyle. But this time, she seems to have shifted her attention to the appropriate time to have good sex; and according to her, that is after marriage.

Mama Zimbi has hence been begging young girls and unmarried individuals to stay away from sex prior to marriage. She implored ladies to close their thighs and be watchful of men who were always s ready to have sex, pleading with men to flee the temptation of women until marriage.

Mama Zimbi, who has been hosting ‘Odo Ahumasuo’, an adult education sex programme on Adom FM, has taken her cause to social network, Facebook. She recently posted, “How many guys have toasted, tested and tasted you and promised that they will marry you? Close those beautiful thighs of yours, and save the rest for the best person who will honour you. No marriage no sex…medaase…”

“Let her know that you are a changed guy now and you refuse to always give in to her temptation. Flee and let her know that no marriage no sex,” she said to the guys. Zimbi’s comments have generated a lot of varying opinions on Facebook. While some supported Akumaa’s call against sex before marriage, others kicked against it.

“Mama Zimbi please don’t pollute the minds of our ladies let them enjoy themselves,” one Adjei Augustine commented. “No tasting no buying. If you won’t allow me to taste then how can I know the palm wine is flesh and taste nice?” another guy, Danny White questioned. A lot of couples say they live together before marriage to see if they are compatible as they don’t want to divorce later.

Unconfirmed statistics however show that those who live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce than those who do not. Mama Zimbi was last in the news for telling Beatwaves that she witnessed live a couple having sexual intercourse.

Akumaa is also the CEO of a widow’s organization called Widows Alliance Network (WANE) which has over the years focused on sustaining the economic development of widows and educating them as well.

Divorce issues

2011-09-25T15:33:00.002-05:00

[The following "guest column" by me appeared in "The City Wire" this last Sunday. The story refers to an incident where a divorced dad walked into a county courthouse with three guns, tried unsuccessfully to find and kill the family court judge who has handled his divorce, then shot up the courthouse. He only wounded one person, but was killed when he walked outside and continued firing toward the assembled police force.]

When James Ray Palmer burned his home, loaded up his arms, and marched into the Crawford County courthouse last week, it wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. Friends and family say he had been leaving clues for awhile that things were about to boil over.And, in fact, it seems the kettle had been bubbling for 12 years, since his divorce. The feelings percolating in his heart weren’t too alien from those many other divorced parents have felt.

Divorce, it has been said, is one of the greatest tragedies we can go through. It is personal in a way few other injuries can be. It strikes to a person’s heart, their self-image, their very soul. The death of a relationship you had counted on being life-long reshapes your concept of life and the world you live in. If you’ve been divorced, even if you were the one who filed for your divorce, you understand the intimacy of the disturbance.

As a family mediator specializing in divorce and re-marriage, I have seen thousands of instances of divorce, some handled well, and many handle poorly. Far too many of the individuals I meet with tell of being just a few steps away from the tragedy that ended Palmer’s pain. They speak of great, burning anger, dreams of revenge, personal agony that never really goes away.

The disturbing fact is that James Palmer acted out what so many divorced parents have fantasized. Most of us just don’t pick up the guns and charge in shooting.

All indications are that Palmer didn’t intend to harm anyone except the judge he blamed for his broken family. The only person shot was the judge’s assistant, and it’s difficult to imagine someone so poor a shot that more than 70 rounds accidentally didn’t hit anyone in the enclosed halls of the courthouse. He was looking for a way out of his misery, and just maybe willing to take out the man he saw as responsible. Notice that in his final act, he didn’t go after his ex-wife or any other family members, just the one outsider closest to the mess.

If that is so, what drove this father and reportedly quiet man over the edge? Why, after more than 10 years fretting over his problems, did he snap now? The answer to that, of course, only James Palmer himself knows for sure, but we know the effects of divorce never really end for a person. As I said before, divorce cuts deeply and re-shapes a person’s attitudes and ideals. The perceived betrayal or abandonment by a person you trusted completely is a life-changing event.

When a child is involved, it can be even more disturbing.

Through a class I teach for divorcing parents, I have the opportunity to hear and sometimes reach many of these individuals in the middle of their breakup. The mix of feelings — from anger to despair to hopelessness to desperation — leaves them unsure of their position or their future. If they do not properly settle their feelings, the damage can go on the rest of their lives.Some divorcees deal with their loss in socially acceptable ways that are still destructive.

Drinking, taking drugs, jumping into inappropriate relationships, or throwing out mementoes they will want later are just ways of acting out their pain and confusion. They might use a bottle or someone else’s body instead of a gun, as Palmer did, but the effects are often the same — lives torn up, futures crashed, and, ultimately, their own life lost along the way.

What may someone do to prevent this sort of divorce-related tragedy in their own or a friend’s life? Most important is to deal with the real problem. All the forms of acting out are really ways of avoiding the loss that’s been suffered. Find someone to talk to about how you’re hurting — a close friend, a minister, or a counselor, but someone who can hear your pain, sympathize, understand, and offer encouragement to push on through to more sane times.

Next, get help dealing with the other party in your tragedy, your ex-spouse, if they are at all willing to talk. Mediation always helps, as long as both sides can understand the need to settle the issues. Divorced parents have a relationship that will last the rest of their lives. As long as they have children or grand-children alive, they will have to encounter each other regularly.

For the sake of their own sanity, as well as their children’s well-being, they must create a new way of being family. Divorce never ends that parental connection, so it is vital they find a way to endure and accept the new relationship. Clearly, Palmer and his son’s mother never successfully re-created their partnership.Using legal avenues didn’t help the Palmers to find peace. They rarely do.

Counseling can help, and Mr. Palmer appears to have needed some intense therapy. But too many people view counseling as a sign of weakness or illness, and the process can be lengthy.

Mediation is a proven process that goes directly to the point of conflict and guides the two parties to reasonably consider ways to take the pressure off both of them. Children almost always benefit when their parents are willing to sit down and at least try mediating their differences.

Perhaps if the Palmers had been willing to talk through their arguments and let someone guide them to consider methods of working together for their son, the explosion of emotions might have been prevented. No one can say for sure, but there is a great chance.

Mediation may not solve all the problems, but clearing the air and rationally discussing disputes has helped many in the past. It may just be the first step, but it is always better to consider understanding than to just hope things will magically get better on their own.

They rarely do.

STEPcoach, Bob Collins

What is A "Christian Marriage"?

2011-09-17T23:28:00.001-05:00

In an article discussing a televangelist's recent statement that Alzheimer's is sufficient grounds for one spouse to divorce another, the writer, Russell D. Moore, gave one of the best explanations I've heard of what a "Christian marriage" is. Far beyond a simple agreement between two adults to live together and help each other out, a marriage, in a Christian sense, is a reflection of God's promise and relationship to man.

Moore begins by explaining that,

Marriage, the Scripture tells us, is an icon of something deeper, more ancient, more mysterious. The marriage union is a sign, the Apostle Paul announces, of the mystery of Christ and his church (Eph. 5). The husband, then, is to love his wife "as Christ loved the church" (Eph. 5:25). This love is defined not as the hormonal surge of romance but as a self-sacrificial crucifixion of self. The husband pictures Christ when he loves his wife by giving himself up for her.

Marriage is a crucifixion? Is he saying that being married is a slow, agonizing, torturous death sentence? Admittedly, some marriages I've worked on have looked like that on the surface, but that's when both partners aren't looking at the partnership correctly. Moore goes on to elaborate:

At the arrest of Christ, his Bride, the church, forgot who she was, and denied who he was. He didn't divorce her. He didn't leave.

The Bride of Christ fled his side, and went back to their old ways of life. When Jesus came to them after the resurrection, the church was about the very thing they were doing when Jesus found them in the first place: out on the boats with their nets. Jesus didn't leave. He stood by his words, stood by his Bride, even to the Place of the Skull, and beyond.

Keep in mind here that the "Bride" doesn't refer to the wife in today's marriage, but to Mankind. In the same way that Jesus accepted His responsibility to protect his Bride (The Church) even to the point of taking her punishment on Himself, both parties in a marriage should see themselves as the never-leaving, refusing-to-give-up, to-the-death protector of their spouse.

The bible tells us that a "husband must love his wife as Christ loved the Church." (Ephesians 5:25) Does this mean that a wife is less expected to love her husband sacrificially? I don't think so. Paul was writing to a totally male-directed culture, so he emphasized the then-leader of the household should change his current attitude of ownership to that of sacrificial love.

Both partners must be willing to lay down their lives for the other in a conventional Christian marriage. We should be willing to love each other "as" Christ loved His Bride. "As" here has multiple meanings. I means "in the same way as," "to the same degree that," "as far as," and "to the death like."

And, while I see a few marriage relationships that go that far, I see way too many that wouldn't even consider laying down their "life" for their mate. Their "life" here meaning their own selfish demands, their own interests, their own desires, their own comfort, or even their own opinions! If a husband or wife can't gracefully say to their partner, "OK, Honey, whatever you want, I'll go happily along with," how can they expect to stand strong together through all the bitter attacks marriages face these days? And, if each is respecting the other, discussions will settle honest differences of opinion about issues that matter. (Or mediation will, as a last resort to peace.)

You and I, as spouses, must be willing to "take up our cross" for our spouses, putting their needs above our own comfort or even survival. We must be willing to die - literally and figuratively - for our sworn partner-for-life. If my wife cannot trust me in the little things, how can she trust me in the big things like fidelity?

Another thing Jesus said applies to us spouses, too. "You should be Perfect, just like your Father in Heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:48). "B-b-but that's impossible! No one is perfect!" you cry. Jesus knew that better than you or I do! But He was giving us a goal to aim for when He said to be perfect. Just as a good coach will say, "Go out there and win this game," knowing that his underdog team has little hope of winning, so Jesus was telling us husbands, wives, and parents, "Go out there and give it your 100% best try. If you don't beat them, at least let them know they met a team who was giving it their best."

Whether you are a Christian or not, you owe it to your spouse to give your all; to never just half-way love them; to pour yourself out for them. You promised. You swore before God, your family, and your friends that you would do your best to be Perfect, that you would love your spouse, "as Christ loved the Church."

You have it in you to be a "perfect spouse." You have it in you to amaze your friends and family with how strong and true you are. You have it in you to teach your children, through your example, how they should live their own marriages and how they should parent their own children. Dig down and pull that determination up. If you need help, I'm here. But I know you can do it!

God bless your whole family!

STEPcoach Bob Collins
If you have questions about any of the Christian concepts or "code words" in this post, I'll be happy to discuss them, or explain them to you.
[the original article by Russell D. Moore is at http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2011/septemberweb-only/robertson-alzheimers-divorce.html]

Do You Punish Your Kids For Being Good?

2011-08-15T18:16:00.000-05:00

(This is a guest post from Zen Family Habits [http://www.zenfamilyhabits.net I really like their stuff!)

It seems a bit counter-intuitive punishing your kids for being good but I suspect we all do it more than we realize. Punishment is easy to see when you’re putting your kids in time out, raising your voice to them or using some other form of discipline. It’s a lot more challenging to see when you’re punishing your kids for being good.

When you have more than one child this is a particularly easy trap to fall into but it’s not so easy to see how it happens. Take a minute and see if you’re punishing your kids for being good, smart, successful etc.

Now, let’s look at a simple example:

Child A can:

get dressed
help himself to cereal and
pack his bag for school

Child B can’t do these things.

As a result more of your time is spent on Child B, and rightfully so as he/she needs more attention to do some of the most basic activities. However, all of this attention spent on their sibling may leave Child A feeling a bit left out.

While this isn’t punishment in the way most of us would describe punishment, it does leave Child A feeling left out, not as important and less worthy (of your time and attention). Feelings I can say with near certainty that no parent wants to instill in their child.

How to change this

1. Make a conscious effort to devote more time to your other children. If one or two of your kids are more demanding than the others set aside some time to touch base and reconnect with your other children. It doesn’t need to be a huge amount of time but enough to mend some of their insecurities and reassure them that they matter. A walk to a park, shooting some hoops in the driveway or at the school, whatever your child is into take an interest and initiate some together time.

2. Be aware of how the “neglected” child might be feeling. Sad, lonely, forgotten etc. All kids are different and so will react very differently from each other. While one may feel sad, another may be angry, hurt or feeling as if you like their brother or sister “better”. We know this isn’t true but to our kids it’s very real.

While life isn’t fair and you certainly won’t be able to please everyone ALL the time you can, with a bit of effort, make everyone know they matter.

Summer Short-Shorts

2011-07-15T10:50:00.000-05:00

Saw much more than I wanted to again this morning of a young lady as I was heading into my favorite family restaurant. I wondered if they were switching to Hooters or the Playboy club, but no, it was just a girl going out for breakfast during the Summer. Her tiny shorts were more like a bathing suit bottom than short pants!

And I thought again, "Does her dad have any idea she's flashing his daughter around like that?" He may, or he may not care. The "standards" today are almost non-existent.

And before you start calling me a prude, think how our new standards are affecting life in the US. Rape, physical assault, and attitudes about what's normal have been changed immensely in just the last 20 years. Just one generation ago, prostitutes weren't allowed to wear in public what our precious children now wear to the mall, restaurants, or even church!

When parents stop caring how provocatively their children dress or what their children consider "decent," their children will go as far as they can ... then allow their children to go even further. That's your grandkids I'm talking about now!

"B-b-but," you stammer, "what can I do about it? She's practically a grown woman! I don't have any right to criticize her, do I?"

In Deuteronomy 4:9, we're instructed, "Be careful never to forget what you yourself have seen. Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren."

In other words, you are to tell your kids what you've learned about the results of being too loose and unconcerned about your body, morals, or reputation. You, yourself will suffer from how your children display themselves in public, because anyone who sees your daughter running around nearly naked is going to place most of the blame on you for the way you brought her up and what you didn't teach her. You will be judged by how you have raised your kids ... you know that. You feel it every time your kids throw a fit in public and everyone's eyes swing from the kids to you.

Then, there's the repercussions on the kids, themselves (and your grandchildren, too). Jeremiah 5:7-10 says:

"How can I pardon you? For even your children have turned from me. They have sworn by gods that are not gods at all! I fed my people until they were full. But they thanked me by committing adultery and lining up at the brothels.

8 They are well-fed, lusty stallions, each neighing for his neighbor’s wife.

9 Should I not punish them for this?” says the LORD. “Should I not avenge myself against such a nation?

10 “Go down the rows of the vineyards and destroy the grapevines, leaving a scattered few alive. Strip the branches from the vines, for these people do not belong to the LORD"

Wow! What a clear picture of our kids today! They've been given everything, but they've turned their backs on everything we know and should have taught them to respect! "Well-fed, lusty stallions" indeed! Doesn't that sound like the boys strutting around demanding respect they've not earned?

And then God almost cries out His frustration over how our kids act (and don't you feel it, too?) "Shouldn't I punish them for acting out so badly?"

Don't you owe it to your kids to warn them what they're doing to you and themselves and to their children? Whose responsibility is it to teach them right from wrong, if not yours? And who will have to deal with the results of their falling away from the standards that helped raise them?

One last point: The time to teach your adult children right from wrong is Now. Proverbs 22:6 says

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Start with your preschool kids, teaching them modesty. Continue into elementary and middle school, guiding them to wear decent clothes, not the latest fads that try to turn little girls into adults too soon. And keep after them as teens to act in a way they will be proud to look back on as they grow up.

Whether they're your biological or your stepkids, you are the ones responsible to demonstrate a good example. As a stepdad, I wasn't directly held responsible for how my stepdaughter looked and acted, but I had the opportunity to guide her toward how she should act and what she should expect from boys she dated.

If it's tough - it's just part of parenting and stepparenting. But you'll be proud of them later on when they continue to live the way you've taught them.

God bless y'all!

STEPcoach, Bob Collins

How to Not Get Bit

2011-07-04T17:45:00.000-05:00

My ol' Pappy used to say (as Rockford would put it) if any of the neighbors ever get a puppy that has any chance of turning into a big, mean dog, As quick as you can, get to their house with some hamburger and a doggy toy.

That way, when that puppy grows up and gets out (and he will get out sometime!), he'll always remember you as his buddy and be less inclined to rip you limb from limb.

Well, the same holds true - for those of you with the common sense not to get bit by a mean dog - for stepparents and stepkids.

If you marry someone who has a child you don't get along with too well - which is to be expected since you're the stranger who's intent on stealing their parent - you might do well to keep on that child's good side. Because one of these days that cranky-but-small child will turn into a large, sullen teenager, then a larger, sullener adult.

I'm not talking about bribery ... not out right, anyway. But, just as it makes sense to get the puppy on your side with some hamburger and a play toy so he won't bite you later - it also makes sense to be the person who that large, sullen teen has a good relationship with.

And, besides just protecting your own rear from getting chewed off by a full grown attack dog, that teenaged boy or girl may need an adult they can trust when the mean-uglies come calling at 13 or 16 years of age. Many a grown-up attributes their salvation to an adult friend when they were in the crabby years. You could be that savior who keeps them from melting down.

Your spouse - the puppy's stressed biological parent - will undoubtably appreciate your efforts too, which can only mean good stuff for you. Some bio-parents have been known to get all moony eyed and cuddly at the sight of their new spouse and their child happily involved in any activity that keeps the child quiet and off their back.

So instead of seeing that stepchild as a challenge and a potential improvement project, try looking at him or her as a soon-to-be play buddies whom you can take to ball games, movies, and out for pizza. Mom or Dad will love you even more, the puppy in question will feel less need to chase you away, and you an feel good about yourself for avoiding a daily battle with a big ol' hairy attack dog!

Bless each other (or else!),
STEPdad Bob Collins

Surviving Summer Visits!

2011-06-06T11:02:00.000-05:00

Summer brings mosquito bites, sunburn, and custody swaps for most stepfamilies. Following divorce and remarriage, many divorce/child custody agreements provide for special times while school is out for the kids to visit with their non-custodial parents.

Oh joy. Now we get to figure out how to adapt to something even more disruptive! Just when we were starting to find some sort of routine around the madhouse, we toss it all and play new games.

Now, before you hop a freighter for the islands, we have a few suggestions on how to survive the summertime custody swaps. Working with thousands of stepfamilies around the world, we've received some great tips from stepmoms and dads, and here we share them with you ...

* If your kids do have to travel to visit Mom or Dad, don’t whine about it. Family ties are important to all children, but especially so for stepkids. After spending all year in a new home with new family members to adjust to, your kids probably will feel relieved to be back around familiar faces. Let them.

* One mother said that her feelings about her kids being gone for the summer could be summed up in one word: Hallelujah! At first she felt guilty about enjoying their absence, but, she says, she realized that they were having fun, so she might as well, too. Now, while she looks forward to their phone calls and their return, she plans special times just for her husband and herself.

* If kids come to visit you for the summer, don’t neglect them. Whether they are your own children, for whom your spouse has custody, or your stepkids, make them part of everything that goes on. They are not enemy spies from the ex. They are children hoping to have some enjoyment during a special time of the year, in a place that is not their home.

* Make a place for visiting stepkids to feel at home. Some families hardly provide a drawer for them, since they visit rarely. That’s shameful! They’re not pets dropped off on you for a kennel stay. They are children who are basically at the mercy of your courtesies.

* If you live in a small house and have little extra money, be creative. Save up and buy (or even borrow) some furniture - a bed, a chest of drawers - it doesn’t have to be a lot. The point is to make an effort just for them out of love.

* Wear thicker skin over the summer. If the pressures build, be careful that you don’t damage relationships you have to maintain throughout the rest of the year. Someone has to be the adult, it might as well be you. Even if no one else appreciates your strength, you can feel proud of yourself when the dust settles!

This topic is covered in more detail on our website in an expanded article: Summertime Blues! , and in our booklets, "12 Steps to Improving Your Stepfamily’s Communication," "You’re Not My Dad!," and "You’re Not My Mom!"

God bless y'all,

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Mother's Day? Again?!

2011-05-04T11:58:00.000-05:00

Among stepmoms I know, this is a very unpopular holiday. If you're reading this, you probably agree with them.

Mother's Day was instituted in 1914 when President Wilson agreed to Anna Marie Jarvis's request for a national holiday to honor the mothers who were raising America's next generation of citizens. She regretted her decision many times before she died in 1948, saying, "wished she would have never started the day because it became so out of control ..."

And, if you're a stepmom who works hard all year long to help take care of your stepchildren, only to be ignored on Mother's Day - you probably agree with Jarvis!

Face it, if you married a man who had children from a previous relationship in the hope you'd get the love and affection of a mother, you were nuts! The vast majority of stepchildren (God bless 'em!) can't even remember your name on Mother's Day, much less to get you a card or candy or some freakin' flowers!

But they sure remember their biological mom, don't they? You know, that woman who whines and gripes about having to allow their dad any time at all with them; who never seems to remember to send the right clothes when they do get to visit; and who refers to you as "that woman" when she even acknowledges all you do for her kids! She may send them over dirty, hungry, and hopped up on high fructose corn syrup, but to them, she's the only woman in their lives.

How many loads of laundry have you done for her kids? How many meals have you cooked? How many times have you tucked them in and kissed them good night? And how many times have you told them you love them ... only to get no thanks for any of it?

Mother's Day! Bah humbug!

After all, you signed up for cards and candy and flowers, didn't you? Didn't you?

What? That's not why you married into this hillbilly clan?

Oh, yes. That's right. You joined them because you were in love with their daddy, and you didn't mind that he brought along some "baggage." You came into this family with your eyes wide open, your arms outstretched, and your heart full of love.

And that love is still there. Somewhere behind the sticky jelly sandwiches, the smelly clothes, and the shrugs of partial acceptance.

That's what Mother's Day is all about for stepmoms. I hope you get a pretty card, a box of sweets, and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. But if you don't - and most of you won't - I hope you can remember that your love for them far surpasses the trite little gifts they may give to their bio-mom. Your love goes all the way through their daddy to their needs and their tears you help dry.

You are the glue Anna Marie Jarvis and President Wilson had in mind when they were trying to commemorate the ones who nurture our children, who shape our future. You are the picture of Christ's love to children who might reject and resent it, but who need it to overcome their wounds from their parents' divorce. And you are the one who they will remember one day as loving them no matter what they said or didn't say.

So happy Stepmother's Day to you dear, strong ladies. God bless you for your dedication, your courage, and for your love.

God bless y'all,

STEPcoach Bob Collins
stepcoach@gmail.com

What Are Your Rights?

2011-03-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite times of the entire week is Sunday morning, 10:45. Our Sunday School class is refreshing, invigorating, and challenging … and fun. Pete Ramsey has been teaching our class since its creation a few years ago, and one of his secrets of success is allowing this classroom full of latent scholars the freedom to contribute, interject, and even argue with his lessons.

But underlying the participatory nature of the discussions, the teacher’s preparation lays the ground work for our lively lessons. A key to this sort of forum is providing topics to keep our minds popping and our ideas flowing. And we’re not talking about your typical topics, such as “why did Sarah insist on Hagar’s substitution for bearing a son,” or “what are the symbols in Isaac’s near sacrifice?” We, in this Adult 3 class, have all been through the easy stuff like that. Rather, the teacher digs way below the surface to mine the hardest minerals.

From this last week’s discussion questions:
* How does God want His people to respond to the aggression of others? - OK, this is sort of basic. It takes you back to a consideration of the Old Testament’s God of Wrath versus the New Testament’s Grace Gospel of forgiveness. But the bite comes in the second part of the question:
* Does the Christian have any rights? If so, what are they? - Ah-ha! Rights! Of course we want to stand up for our rights. But what rights are we talking about? Do we have the right to demand recompense in a court of law for wrongs done us in this world? Hmmm? “Of course we do”? But aren’t we taught to give more than is taken from us? To turn the other cheek? and how many times? “Seven times seventy.” A colloquialism for “as many as it takes.”

Was Christ more interested in our worldly rights to equal justice and equal standing among the rest of the inhabitants of this life? Or was His teaching more about sacrifice for the purpose of leading others to Him? When Jesus tells us daily, “If someone steals your coat, give him your shirt, too,” where does that leave us about filing charges against a pick-pocket, or a burglar, or a mugger, even? Or, for that matter, how is Christ asking us to respond to the mugger standing before us with a gun, demanding our money or our life?

As we delve deeper into these sort of painful questions, we are actually being asked to answer the question, Who are we? Are we just people, like everyone else, who just happen to go to church and call ourselves Christians? Or are we a holy, sanctified body, representing Jesus Christ Himself, as his ambassadors and His face to a lost world who needs to see Him?

WHAT ABOUT STEPPARENTS?
And, to steer the discussion directly to the subject of this blog, how does this principle apply to stepparenting? Do stepparents have rights? Of course. But should we insist upon those rights to respect, to recompense, to politeness from our stepkids? Is it prudent to start demanding that our stepkids smile and sweetly say "Hello, dear stepparent; thank you for your sacrifices and your consideration"? Is it realistic?

Sure, we have the right to require that - we've certainly earned it! But how much more trouble will we stir up if we begin being pushy about what we want? I've seen many a marriage endangered just because the stepparent wasn't strong enough to forgive and forget the many slights they receive. How do you determine the limits without damaging the possible relationships?

-------------------------
See what I mean? Pretty stiff stuff, huh? That’s the sort of discussion that keeps me anxious for each week’s next Sunday School class. I would encourage you to find a class like this for yourself. It’ll keep you from getting complacent about this life you have been granted. It’ll keep you thinking about who you really are in the Grand Scheme of things. Or, if you’re in Western Arkansas on a Sunday morning around 10:30, come on to East Side Baptist Church and find Pete Ramsey’s class. But bring your thinking cap - you’ll need it!

PLEASE COMMENT ON THIS TOPIC - WHETHER YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN OR NOT, I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ... in other words, as a non-Christian, do you think it's hypocritical for Christians to preach "turn the other cheek" then call the police when someone keys their car? COMMENT, PLEASE!

It's Easier than you think!

2011-03-11T17:21:00.001-06:00

I've got a shocking newsflash for you stepparents:
Stepparenting is much easier than you're making it!

Over the years, working with over a thousand stepfamilies, I've heard it all. From mean stepkid stories to ex-spouse horrors to marriage messes. But one thing that's common in most stepfamilies is that the stepparents are frustrated and worn down by the difficulty of it all.

Most stepparents had really good intentions going in. They were going to love their new partner and his or her kids with all their hearts and win them over. Maybe even straighten out a few bad behaviors and make them a perfect family. It all seemed so easy and clear cut. Just apply love and enjoy the rewards!

But then the unexpected happened - perhaps your new spouse seemed to give their child preference over yours. Or they didn't follow your suggestions on how to better discipline their kids. Or, conversely, they started telling you how to raise your own kids. Or their kids ignored you ... or they ignored your kids ... or their kids ignored your kids. Something got in the way of your perfect picture and the colors began running together, just making a mess.

But, as I've told so many in our private sessions or our group meetings, "You're making a simple blessing into a hard, uncomfortable job." Stepparenting, when done right, is a very simple prospect. So, why do most - the vast majority in fact - of stepfamilies end in another divorce?

And there's a pretty simple answer ... pride.

Instead of moving into an ongoing family with the sincere intention of being an uplifting blessing to the family, so many of us go in looking for what they can do for us. And that's a certain recipe for failure! Jesus stated the formula for success pretty simply: "Do to others what/how/like you wish they'd do you." It ain't brain surgery, folks! But it is heart surgery.

When I can help a couple get their minds twisted back around to where they were at their wedding ceremony: "I am so blessed to become part of this wonderful family," They can begin re-building the hope. But far too many of you are hanging onto your "why are they so mean to me?" mind set. How many? Well, the divorce rate for second marriages is two out of every three; and the divorce rate for third marriages is around NINE out of TEN! That's how many.

Look, like I said, it ain't brain science or rocket surgery!

Back off and let a parent do the parenting.
Don't stick your advice where it isn't directly asked for.
Parent your own kids and leave the others' discipline to their own parent.
If your toes get stepped on, go to the bathroom and put on a band aid.
Be nice.
Be kind.
Act like you did to attract your spouse while you were dating.
Be a friend / confidant / helper to your stepkids and that's all.
Focus on being a perfect spouse to your spouse - that's the only job you signed on for!

I know, it's a lot more complicated than just saying "be perfect." I've faced my own multitudes of attacks, hateful glares, rude mouthings, and more as a stepdad. But as soon as I learned (and began applying) the principle that this is an easy job, it got much easier!

If you don't understand, don't get discouraged. This is advanced stepparenting stuff. Like how in college algebra they taught you all the hard formulas at first and then showed you the short cuts in advanced algebra. Well, here's the short cut: it's a lot easier than you're making it!

Still confused? Write me. I'll explain in more detail.

Meanwhile, relax. It can be fun. Really.

God bless y'all,

STEPcoach Bob Collins
stepcoach@gmail.com

STEPfamily Guidebooks Price Reduced!

2011-03-11T16:49:00.002-06:00

All our primary guidebooks have been marked down from $5.00 to $1.95. Go to stepcarefully.co... to take advantage of a ministry outreach. I want as many stepfamilies as possible to have these wonderful guidebooks, so I'm dropping the price for a limited time.

‎"You're Not My Mom," "12 Steps to Improve Your Stepfamily," "Responsibility of A Lifetime," "You're Not My Dad," and "Beat the Holiday Blues" have helped thousands of stepfamilies survive. Now's your chance to get them at a great bargain.

STEPparenting LETTER: Invisible to the Ex??

2011-01-31T14:05:00.000-06:00

In a new post to our newsletter members, I answered a member's question who felt like he was "Invisible to the Ex?? or: What Am I, Chopped Liver?"
Here's what I wrote:

A new member to the group (Welcome!!) writes:

"How do you handle it when your spouse's ex won't even look at you, acknowledge you or talk to you in anyway?"

Well, I know how many of our members would answer this question ... With cart wheels! or champaign! or some sort of celebration. Frankly, I hear much more about ex-es who acknowledge our members TOO much, from direct insults, to cutting them down to the kids, to snide remarks over the phone. But there are plenty with this same problem who feel the icy glare or the cold shoulder that says, "you're not worthy of my time or any of my attention."

And, while you didn't exactly marry your sweetheart to get close to her ex-spouse, those blank stares can leave you feelings pretty worthless and low!

A couple questions I'd ask the writer are, how long have you been married to your current spouse? and has the ex always been like this or is this something new?

First, if you've been married less than a year of two, it's fairly normal to still get a cold shoulder from your "new ex." It takes most folk a little while to get past the fact that the person they were once married to is now married to someone else. Although their own marriage relationship may be completely over (or it may not be TOTALLY over in their mind), the historical fact that they once were part of your new spouse is enough to keep those confusing thoughts alive. It can take two or even three or four years for an ex to accept the fact that their once-and-only has moved on.

One thing I've noticed is that when an ex becomes involved in a new relationship themselves, they can suddenly become much more accepting of their ex's progress. Something about jealousy or maybe even competition makes it more understandable when they've both moved on. So you might find yourself hoping that ex finds love for themselves!

However, if you were on decent terms with the ex, and that relationship has suddenly turned sour, ask yourself if you've done something to offend them. Not that you probably have, but that's just the easiest place to start. Think back honestly and see if you were out of sorts at some point and maybe snapped at them unintentionally. You may simply need to apologize to mend the fence.

Or they may have ended a relationship, as I was talking about before, and that makes them envious of your happiness with their ex. In that case, and if you can find out for sure that's what happened, sympathy might patch up the break.

Whatever the cause, it is always (always!) in your best interest to do all you reasonably can to maintain a good working relationship with your spouse's ex, as well as your own. These people may seem like the enemy or an outsider, but they are vital parts of your life. And they will be as long as your spouse and they have children alive together ... and grandchildren.

My whole stepfamily gave a sigh of relief when I made nice with my wife's ex-husband. When he and I could speak civilly over the phone, or shake hands at custody exchanges, everyone's life was made easier. Tensions between ex-es and spouses can lead to bitterness and battles you don't want to get into. If they are your enemy, they can infect vacation plans, date nights, child visits, child support exchanges, and ... well, pretty much every aspect of your new marriage.

Is that fair? Not really. Is it normal? Very much. Whenever you marry someone who has children with someone else, you should fully expect that child's other parent to take a strong interest in you and your part in helping raise their child. The huge importance of building a secure relationship between divorced moms and dads is why I wrote Guiding Your Children through Your Divorce . This is a vital foundation upon which your whole future will rest. It pays you to get it right!

And nothing can give a stepchild more reason to accept you into their heart than seeing both parents also accepting you.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

P.S. Feel free to write with your own stepparenting questions and I'll answer them here! You find many answers in our primary guidebook, Improving Your Stepfamily in 12 Steps , in our online bookstore .

5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage in 2011

2011-01-29T11:45:00.000-06:00

Although I rarely post other bloggers' articles, this one was so useful I couldn't resist sharing it with you, my dear friends. Be sure and let me know your thoughts on these topics.

Written by Melissa

For me, 2010 was a year of personal discovery.
Mr. Right and my two step kids came along for the ride.
We accomplished some awesome personal goals. We found and donated a meteorite. We dealt with heartache on a level you may never understand if you are not divorced or raising kids from a previous marriage.
At times, we felt anger, fear and resentment toward each other.
But not more than we felt happiness, love and contentment.
The scales tipped in our favor.
With the end of year near, I wanted to share some things that improved my marriage in 2010. When I sat down to write this post, I realized the improvements didn’t directly involve Mr. Right. While things like date nights, having sex and communication no doubt improve a marriage, the things that really made a difference were much more unique.
All of the ideas on this list helped us grow – both as a couple – and as individuals.
Today, we are deeper in love.
And here’s a bold statement, but a true one:
We are happier today than we were on our wedding day.
Why? Because we’ve each made an effort to take the bad in life and improve it. Which has affected everything – our marriage, our kids, ourselves.
Here are five surprising ways to improve your marriage and inspire those around you:

Get out of debt.

This year, we finally did it. With the final car payment made, we demolished our $42,000 debt snowball. Besides our mortgage, we are completely debt free; for the first time since we met, we have money in savings. That’s an amazing feeling.
Don’t be deceived – the process to get out of debt wasn’t easy. At times, we argued. The kids asked, “Are we poor now?” There were months we totally blew our budget.
The good news is – it’s possible. Even if you’re a twit about money, like me. Learn more by reading:
The Married Money Management series by Dustin @Engaged Marriage.
Get Out of Debt with the Debt Snowball Plan by Dave Ramsey.

Quit your day job.

Before you jump to conclusions about this tip, hear me out.
This June, I quit my day job. Up until then, our family lived within a whir of constant chaos. We were stressed out, burned out, used up. We were doing a lot of things, but nothing very well.
By getting out of debt, we were able to downsize our lifestyle to live on one income. This let me opt out of the rat race to be at home. Now, I work on freelance projects while the kids are at school.
When they come home, I switch into mortar mode – taking care of the homework, teacher’s notes, dinner and cleaning up before Mr. Right even walks through the door.
It’s improved our life in a major way. We’re all a lot less stressed.
Here’s the post that made me believe I could quit.

Try minimalism.

Getting out of debt and living a downsized lifestyle are related to minimalism. If you’ve never learned about it but want to try, my advice is to start small.
For instance, I’m just wrapping up a minimalist clothing experiment myself. The idea was to wear only 33 items for 3 months. My take on it?
I like it.
A lot.
I’ll never go back to my bloated closet again. Sometime in January, I’m giving away most of the clothes I now realize I don’t need or use.
If you want to learn more about how to minimize areas of your life, read:
The Dress with Less Challenge by Courtney Carver
A Guide to Creating a Minimalist Home by Leo Babauta
101 Physical Things That Can Be Reduced In Your Home by Joshua Becker

Each week, go on a digital sabbatical.

Instead of spending the weekend trolling Facebook, zoned out to another reality TV show or Tweeting – turn it all off and actually live your life. Be present with your kids. Talk to your spouse. Hear your own thoughts. Disconnect from distraction at least once a week and notice how peace descends.

Shrug off the burden of doing it all.

This world is filled with pressure.
Pressure to be skinny, pressure to get kids involved, pressure to be happy.
I felt it all the time before some of the changes above. I pushed myself to be productive. My house was spotless. My schedule, tightly packed.
I was also stressed to the max, irritable and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Now, I’m still productive. I still take on a lot. Instead, I get to choose what to carry. I’ve shrugged off the world’s burden of doing it all.
My message to you is simple, just like the title of this blog.
If you want a better marriage, do things that improve your life and future. If you’re unhappy, get off the couch and do something about it. I’m not saying that to be mean or arrogant, though it might sound that way. I’m telling you this because years ago, a certain girl I know really needed to hear it. Maybe you need to hear it now.
New year, new you?
You decide.
ABOUT THE WRITER

Melissa is a step mom, wife, editor, columnist and laundry fairy who decided to focus on amazing work this year by doing what she loves: writing. She hopes to inspire others through her blog, Peace & Projects, by sharing what makes her tick: fitness, organizing, simplifying, loving, learning and getting stuff done. She and Mr. Right are dedicated to making their blended family work for almost eight years now. So are: Little Boy, Little Girl and The Dog. Read her full bio here.

How will American Christians Cope?

2010-11-30T16:58:00.000-06:00

I get emails and newsletters every day, speculating about the collapse of the American economy and what it will mean to us, as Christians, as our civil and religious freedoms are taken away. We've seen the 10 Commandments removed from public; God, Jesus, the Bible, and Christianity in history verboten in schools; Cursing Jesus' name is OK, but praising it is ridiculed or forbidden; evolution the new state religion; constitutional foundations cast aside as old fashioned ... on and on and on. What does all this mean to us, to individual Christians and to our children and our families?

I can tell you exactly what it all means to us - relatively little! People, of all the American citizens, WE have the least to be concerned about. Why? Because we have been through all this and much worse before! Time and time again!

We like to ignore history because it's hard to keep up with, and it's uncomfortable to think of how things have been before. I don't know about your (step)children, but for mine getting her interested in history was like trying to feed her spinach! But if you push your children (and yourself) to take a bit of time to look back, you'll be very encouraged by what you see ... eventually.

Just after Jesus' resurrection and ascension, the brand new baby church was almost snuffed out by the current general public. Civil religious rights? How about being shunned by businesses and government services? How about a school system that taught our kids to actually worship idols? How about being hustled out of our beds and homes in the middle of the night to be dragged into mock courts where we were charged with everything under the sun, found guilty without representation or recourse? How about having your family taken from you and probably tortured and killed? How about being the entertainment for a blood thirsty mob as you are murdered publicly in cruel and imaginative ways?

In the Dark Ages, we true Christians even had these things done to us by "The Church." If we refused to accept the world government's twisted version of Christianity, the very religion (in name) that we followed would jail, torture, or kill us!

Even following the Great Enlightening and the Reformation, which broke the monopoly of the false Catholic church, we were subject to the nearest king's warped ideas of how we should worship, pray, or even believe. When we finally got miraculous freedom to worship publicly and we gained some influence over our own lives here in this new experiment of America, we saw enemies confront us on every front.

Despite political challenges, evolution, and a slowly eroding government, we have been able to relax into our illusion of security, forgetting where we have been and what we have come through to get here. We have found it easy and comfortable to think we have permanent home here in this world, when Jesus Himself regularly reminded us that we are strangers in a hostile land. We used to sing songs that were to serve as reminders: This World Is Not My Home, I'm only passing through, among others. But history is just to pesky to remember. And we've let ourselves and our children get lazy and complacent about our real position in a lost world.

And so, here we are again, about to be shaken from our reverie and woken to the harsh reality that we are Christians in a lost world. We may lose our temporary liberties to exercise our beliefs freely and openly. We may lose the right to worship at the corner church or promote our convictions in elections or wear t-shirts or bumper stickers that shout our ideals to the world. And we may feel really, really put upon and downtrodden and persecuted. And we may in fact be outlawed.

But, whatever else we lose, whatever else is taken away from us (or pried from our cold, dead fingers), Christians - true Christians will never lose our faith. Just as school boards may insist on no prayer in schools, but our kids can still pray silently whenever they want, in the same way we, their parents, can never be stopped from believing in our hearts that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. We may have to use codes, as some of our ancestors did in Ireland or Poland, but we will still be able to encourage each other. We may meet in back rooms and basements, but we will still pray and praise together.

So my idea of preparing for hard times is not to stockpile gold or bonds. Rather I'm concentrating on increasing my dependence on God's providence, my familiarity with scriptures, and leading my family into a greater understanding of those Words of life. I know that, no matter what happens with the government, the economy, the ecology, the world community, or even the New World Order, my God will still answer prayer, He will still watch over His children, and He will provide for His own.

If we only survive a few years or months or weeks as fugitives and secret worshipers, we will leave others behind who know the truth and who know how to share it. And we will still have a wonderful, perfect future to look forward to in Heaven, then the New Earth with our God and our family. And it will be unimaginably better than anything we have had here, in America, over the last couple of centuries.

So, bring it on world, and Come Lord Jesus, Come!

STEPcoach (and Christian!) Bob Collins