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What/Who is next? All men with long hair driving a van with a peace-sign can be searched for marijuana? Every skimpily clad woman walking down a street is a prostitute? Every Italian in an expensive suit is a member of the mafia? Of course not, and law enforcement does not have the authority to question or search people without due cause. “Hippie looking” is not due cause, and neither is brown skin.

Ask yourself this: Do you and all of your loved ones fit into the “mainstream majority”? If not, who will be left to stand up when they come for you?

A very famous man once said, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” It appears we are still a far cry from realizing his Dream.

Relationships present challenges under the best of circumstances; the remarried couple is no exception. Ask many of the stepfamily experts and you will hear, “you must put the couple relationship first!”

This is hard for some parents to accept. Intense loyalty to their children conflicts with the essential commitment to the couple. Parents that harbor guilt struggle with the concept of prioritizing their marriage over their children. Some may feel it is a violation of their obligation as a parent.

So, what exactly does it mean to put the couple first?

Putting the couple relationship first means getting on the same page and presenting a united front. It requires giving one another the benefit of the doubt because you trust each other to do what is in the best interest of the family. By doing this, you strengthen the overall unity of your family and send a message to your children that you are a stable unit.

Depending on the age of your children, their developmental needs will vary. In any case, children need the security of knowing that mom and dad (step and bio) have everything under control. Children feel safest in an environment of predictability and routine. When couples are on the same page they allow that security to stay intact.

Another aspect of putting the couple first is nurturing your relationship. Remarried parents are quickly caught up in the minutiae of daily problem solving and decision-making, leaving no energy or time for one another. Couples without children inherently have the time to invest in their relationship; remarried couples must make the time.
However, nurturing your relationship is more than spending time together. It is also about deepening your connection and allowing your relationship to evolve.

In short, the single most important thing you can do to ensure a lasting relationship and happy family is this: Invest time and attention into the marriage and each other. If your goal is to provide your children with stability in a nurturing environment and to model a healthy relationship, then putting your marriage first is in their best interest.

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When my oldest daughter was a teen, I wondered all the time, “how do other parents handle this?” I often thought that I didn’t know what I was doing because I was a teen parent. I assumed that “grown-ups” knew what they were doing, and they did a good job of pretending that they did.

The truth is, we all learn as we go. Older parents were more stable and more equipped than me, but they weren’t better parents just because they were older. We all know that kids don’t come with a manual, not when you’re 16 and not when you are 30. My new favorite saying is “There are no perfect parents, just as there are no perfect kids.”

In my experience, trying to be a perfect parent usually results in me disregarding my own intuition and succumbing to what I think I “SHOULD” do. If a sentence starts with “should”, it’s probably not good.

From here forward, in addition to stepfamilies and co-parenting, I am focusing my practice on getting real. Real circumstances, real parents, real crap.

This is REAL stuff that happens everyday with our toddlers and teens and everything in between. REAL moms and dads make mistakes, we yell at our kids and tell them “Because I said so!” We don’t make it to every single soccer game, we don’t volunteer regularly in our kid’s classroom (if at all) and we let our kids watch too much TV. We are REAL parents.

But we also do our best to keep up with their homework, know where they are and who they are with, engage them in extra-curricular activities and model good behavior. We provide a safe home, a loving environment and appropriate boundaries.

At the end of the day, our families should feel safe and know they are loved. Those are the only two “shoulds” that I am listening to from here forward.