Stepfamily Sanctuary

Puzzle Stools and Ex's: Found Here

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:30:00 +0000

I did a search on my blog URL statistics to find out what some of the terms are that are being targeted at search engines with my blog URL. The word "stepfamily" came in first as the single word obviously. It had better since this is a stepfamily blog even though I tend to ramble about other things in between irritating bouts with the ex.

On off topic words, the word "shopping" came in seventh as a one word search and "bestselling kids toys" came in sixth in a three word term/phrase search. So I guess it's for shopping as well. Looking for puzzle stools for Christmas? You can check them out on my blog! I could always start a blog called Shopping Sanctuary just for shopping! Hmmm...that's not bad. Better go check to see if the domain is available! Be right back!

OK, just checked. I checked at GoDaddy and it IS available...for $1,588! Yeah, whoever has that one can just keep it.

You're probably wondering why I'm rambling on about this. I need to figure out how much affect key words have on traffic and ratings so I was looking up. Obviously my love of online shopping runneth over here.

I Took Everything Away!

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:52:00 +0000

This morning, I turned into mean mom and took every privilege my kids have away from my three oldest. That means no computer, no texting, no video, no television, no sleepovers, etc. They have to earn them back.

I don't believe kids are entitled to any of these things. Usually, I take one or two things away but after weeks of things building, this morning they lost it all. I used to do this with my stepson after he'd beat up one of his siblings. (My kids haven't beat anybody up but they've done other things enough to tick me off that have to do with messy rooms, attitude, homework, etc. I don't know what has gotten into them but I'm putting a stop to it right now.) Of course, the ex thought we were too strict and was treating him differently than the other kids (we were supposed to ground the other kids too because he hit them I guess). I was the wicked head of our stepfamily in her eyes I think. She was wrong; I'm an equal-opportunity grounder! She ensured my stepson thought we were singling him out as well. I wonder if it'd matter now if he knew his brother and two of his sisters were receiving the same treatment for misbehaving as well?

I've read many books on step-parenting, parenting and other family relationship books. I read a lot of different ways to parent, however, I am a big believer in privileges being earned. I expect respect for others. I think kids today expect everything handed to them but I'm not raising brats!

Whether you are parenting your own or helping to parent your significant other's children, sometimes you have to do things you don't enjoy doing. If my kids think I enjoy grounding them, they're wrong. I didn't enjoy grounding my stepson either (no matter what he and his mother thought) but kids need consequences for inappropriate behavior.

What is Green Shopping?

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:34:00 +0000

Every year for many years, I have done as much as the Christmas shopping that I can online. I find the best deals browsing the Internet and buy online. I never thought that I was doing was green shopping until now. For me, it was all about avoiding the dreaded malls.

Now that I know it is also helping the environment by using less energy and reducing emissions, it makes it that much more fun for me. Helping the environment is important. We recycle what we can weekly in our house. I use vinegar and water in place of harsh cleaning chemicals. My kids have been members of their school's environmental team for the last couple years so it's a family thing now. It's not something I have to force them to do. It's normal routine for them now.

Now I really need to stop playing around on my blogs and get to work Christmas shopping. I'm late getting organized! It's not quick or easy shopping for our six kids (plus I do the shopping for our kids from their grandparents too). I am one busy Mrs. Claus at this time of year!

One Less Month! Imagine me jumping for joy right now!

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:48:00 +0000

My countdown for half of our legal obligation with the ex ends in less than one year and seven months. I just noticed my first countdown flipped again recently! Boy that's a lot better than the 15 years it used to be! Wow! Two years following that, the last half of the legal obligation ends.

It seems like the time is dragging on but I sure do love to see one less month flip on my countdown. It keeps my spirits up a bit to know that there IS an end to the contact with her, the record keeping, the online backup of digital records saved and scanned over all these years, tracking child support because the courts have a problem doing it, and the check going out. We'll finally be able to move into a home that is big enough rather than being squeezed into little rooms. I want to have a bonfire in our fire pit with all of the paper records. That alone would take several nights to burn I think. Oh well, I'll just watch it burn while I toast the end of the legal relationship to the ex with champagne!

Poll: Did you or would you invite the ex to your wedding?

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:05:00 +0000

I have just posted a new poll. My question is:

Did you, or would you, invite the ex to your wedding?

The poll is open for six days so cast your vote now in the poll at the right margin.

From my own personal experience, if we'd had a different relationship with the ex before our wedding, I would not have minded inviting her to attend to be there with the children to see their father marry. I wouldn't have begrudged her the wedding favors, the champagne, or the dinner. I had no insecurities where she was concerned.

However, given the relationship with the ex was full of conflict and hostility and she resented the fact that he was marrying me when he wouldn't marry her, inviting my husband's ex-girlfriend wasn't even a consideration to either one of us. We were in the middle of a court fight with her so having a regular wedding was out for us. We didn't have the time to plan or the money to do so. We said our vows in front of a Justice of the Peace. I'm not of the mind that I have to say my vows in a church because I'm not big on organized religion so getting married by the judge did not bother me at all. I sure would've liked the wedding dress and the party though!

Poll: Were your stepkids involved in your wedding?

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:59:00 +0000

A few months ago, I posted a poll asking if your stepkids were involved in your wedding (or will they be). I'm behind in posting the results and adding a new poll. Here are the results:

54% said Yes
36% said No
9% said Heck No

Thanks for voting! Another poll will be posted very soon!

No Soul in the Eyes

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Rihanna made an appearance on Good Morning America this morning and said that after Chris Brown attacked her, he had no soul in his eyes. It reminded me of when my stepson was acting out violently for many years when he was younger. He'd get this look in his eyes (or maybe I should explain it as a lack of look) like there was nobody home. Empty eyes. It was scary.

Pay for Chiropractic Care for Teenaged Slouching? Huh?

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:25:00 +0000

I wrote earlier today about the chiropractic care for the stepkids and how even though my stepson's spinal x-rays were normal, the ex had taken him to the chiropractor anyway. We asked her to clarify the medical necessity of doing that.

Get this...she doesn't want his spine to get as bad as my stepdaughter's is right now (um...her x-rays were normal too per the pediatric orthopedic specialist) AND he has bad posture. So where is the medical necessity?

Teenagers slouch. So tell the kid to stand up straight already! We should pay for a chiropractor to see him every week because she can't tell him to stand up straight, because he's acting like half the teenage population by slouching? I'm not sure if I should be rolling on the floor laughing or picking my jaw up off the floor in shock. I guess I'll trip over my jaw on the floor as I go down laughing.

Is this similar to the fact that she can't tell him to behave? To listen to rules? To do homework? To bring his grades up? To stop cussing?

If it were me and I had acted like I couldn't stand the father of my kids or his family for over a decade, I would feel a bit silly because it might be perceived that she was coming up with things for: 1) attention? 2) an excuse for contact?

I have NO problem with medically necessary services. We always pay our support, insurance and health expenses for the kids. Never is a dime left owing. When it comes to medically unnecessary trips, no way.

*Picture from http://www.gobodacious.com/images/PutYourFootDown.jpg

Good News & Let's Hemorrhange Money News

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:23:00 +0000

My stepdaughter doesn't have scoliosis. The specialist who saw her and looked at the x-rays says there is nothing wrong with her spine. That's good news.

The ex had x-rays of my stepson's back done too (let's just keep radiating the kids without ample cause to) and his spine is within normal range. The ex took him to the chiropractor anyway! She sent an email asking hubby what he thought about it (chiropractor care and paying for it) right before she took him to his chiropractor appointment - nothing like giving hubby time to actually SEE the email! She knew he wouldn't see it for six hours after she'd sent it - after she'd already taken him to the chiropractor. So why did she take him? No idea. Hubby did end up responding back about not seeing the medical necessity of it. Like we can afford to send a kid to the chiropractor who doesn't need it!

My daughter, who fell from a swing and fractured her wrist and hurt her back could use a chiropractor right now for her back pain. Trying to figure out how to pay for it when we're struggling not to lose our house at the moment. My stepdaughter is still going to go to the chiropractor to see if it helps with her TMJ and hubby will pay for his share for this month and then has requested another review to see if it is helping and medically necessary. However, we will not pay for my stepson to go when there's nothing wrong with him. Yeah, right.

It's too bad she didn't show this much interest in his mental health all those years he needed help.

Daughter's First Dance Picture

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:58:00 +0000

Well, one of them anyway. I love this picture because her eyes really POP out.

I've been going back and forth as to whether I should email some of her pictures to my stepkids. In a normal family, they'd want to see some pictures and know how their sister is doing and I used to always send updates on everybody with pictures but they never respond and don't act like they care. Within the past few weeks, I emailed them both to their personal email addresses a video of their dad with two of their sisters and some pics of their baby sister and NO response from either one of them (I wonder if they get together and agree not to respond or if it just comes naturally to them).

Seeing how they haven't bothered to talk to my daughter since July, I'm leaning more towards not bothering. Seems like a big waste of time to me.

Teeth Are Expensive!

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 22:50:00 +0000

My oldest daughter will get her braces off in four months. They were expensive. In order to afford it, I had to refinance my truck!

Now that she's almost done, the dentist is saying my son needs them and we should get in for a consultation within six months. They said he has some teeth that are a bit rotated in his mouth. His front teeth are straight. I'm not sure if having a few teeth in the back is worth another several years of payments and braces. I'll get the free consultation but I doubt we'll be putting him in braces.

I know my middle daughter will need braces. Like my oldest daughter, her mouth is too tiny for all her teeth. They'll have to use a palate expander to break her palate apart and then put on braces. I dread going through that again but it's obvious she'll need some dental help.

I'm not sure yet how we are going to afford more braces. We should get dental discounts for all these kids! Why do they have to be so expensive? We'll get to wait a couple years for my middle daughter's, which is good because we have to recover financially from the braces on my oldest daughter!

Xmas Gift Lists from Stepkids Coming In & Rudely At That

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:22:00 +0000

This morning, my sd sent an email to both our email addresses. This is what it said:

"when do you guys want christmas lists?"

Not "hi, how ya doing, how's my brother and sisters since we haven't bothered to talk to them since July, what's new, when do you want our christmas lists?" but JUST about the gifts. A "hi" would've been nice! Don't hear from her in forever and then when her email comes in, it's about what we should buy her.

I'll bet it's not a surprise to a lot of other stepfamilies with a difficult ex and teenaged stepchildren.

The First Dance

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:33:00 +0000

My 12-year-old daughter has her first dance this Saturday. She has a pretty dress, jewelry and shoes. We had a hard time finding shoes for her. She didn't want to go with heels because she wants to be able to dance comfortably. I told her most people just take their shoes off anyway but she insisted on flats. Since I didn't see any comfortable sandals (I saw online that Dansko makes some sandals that look comfortable but they weren't quite dressy enough for the dress we bought), we found her a pair of dressy flats to wear with her dress. It's a black and white dance with masquerade masks. Sounds fun!

The dress has spaghetti straps so we bought her a tiny bolero type shrug that covers her shoulders (it's against school policy to wear spaghetti straps). We also had to make sure it was long enough (finger tip test) and the front wasn't too low (the three finger rule). Seems like she's in a parochial school doesn't it? It's a public school.

I can't believe that my baby is going to her first dance. She'll be a teenager in a couple months. I wonder if I'll be happy on Saturday seeing her all dressed up like a young lady or teary. We shall see.

Trick or Treating with Stepkids?

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:23:00 +0000

Are you trick-or-treating with your stepkids this year? I know a lot of orders dictate which years which parent has them so it may not be your year this year. (If it's not your year to go begging for candy this year, perhaps you can volunteer for their class party tomorrow instead?)

A lot of schools don't even have class parties though. None of my school-aged kids had Halloween parties. It's seen in this town as an unnecessary holiday, a pagan holiday. They take all the fun out of it!! They even tried to schedule a choir and band concert during trick-or-treat hours! Can you believe that? After several parents threw a fit (me included), they backed off. They claimed they don't understand what the big deal was. I was so livid, they were probably beginning to wonder if they should be looking at life insurance rates and making sure their policies were updated.

We aren't trick-or-treating with the stepkids this year. Seeing how they are both in high school (geez, when did that happen), I'm not even sure if they are trick-or-treating. It's been a few years since we've taken them out begging for candy with us. Living 200 miles away kinda puts a damper on the festivities at times.

Black Friday & Bestselling Kids Toys

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:10:00 +0000

Here are the bestselling kids toys. You might want to check them out before your kids start handing you their Christmas lists.

Speaking of Christmas shopping, here are the Black Friday specials.

Wouldn't it be nice to grow a nice personality?

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 14:34:00 +0000

My stepdaughter has been seeing a chiropractor for the pain she's in due to probable scoliosis (the orthopedic surgeon will confirm the diagnosis next week). We knew the ex was going to take her to the chiropractor and were agreeable to paying half of the cost to do so, but then we didn't hear anything about it from the ex for several weeks. We assumed she hadn't scheduled any appointments yet because she's supposed to let their dad know about them. Come to find out by my stepdaughter, she's been going three times a week for several weeks now. Well, that was nice of the ex to let dad know! If not for my husband asking about it, we wouldn't have known until we received the bill.

Unfortunately, it hasn't helped her pain yet. So we wait until after the appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to see what can be done now. I wonder if she'll let hubby know about that or if he'll have to chase the information down (does it give the ex a thrill to have hubby chasing after the information in some warped way?). Sure would have been nice if the ex had let my husband know about this scoliosis condition a couple years ago when the doctors first brought it up - you know, when my stepdaughter was still growing and before the pain started. Sure would be nice to stick the ex under some grow lights to grow a more cooperative parenting style as well!

Fun Family Times

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:19:00 +0000

Two of my girls were doing a dance for me for my birthday the other day when my husband jumped in and joined them (unscripted and so funny). We have so much fun as a family together (in spite of the ex:)

Meteor Shower Tonight

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:53:00 +0000

If you're going to be up around 1:00 a.m. tonight, look outside and look up. There's supposed to be an awesome show in the sky. It's not supposed to matter where you're at either - whether you're in our own backyard in the midwest or enjoying vacation time at an Outer Banks rentals, all you have to do is look up.

Less light pollution would be best so the boonies would give the best show. Don't forget to give your eyes time to adjust to the darkness. You should be able to pick out several planets and constellations too.

Set your alarm now!

Household Reminders for the Furnace

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:44:00 +0000

Just a reminder as we all start to turn on our furnaces in the north here: make sure your furnace is in good working order. Have regular maintenance performed on the unit. Make sure you change the furnace filters according to the recommendations (I need to pick up a few extra myself).

Don't forget to have a carbon monoxide detector (or two) in the house. We have one upstairs and one downstairs. I want to err on the side of caution rather than regret later, which is why I have several fire detectors on each level too. I'm neurotic when it comes to the safety of my family. I've been thinking about getting another carbon monoxide detector as well.

As a reminder, we turn our clocks back the first Sunday in November. Don't forget to check your batteries in all your detectors!

Rules and Discipline in a Stepfamily

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:30:00 +0000

How do you keep the peace in your house? How do you set rules and enforce rules if the other household doesn't do the same thing? Or worse yet, if they openly sabotage your efforts to maintain some type of consistency and peace in your house?

We dealt with that last question for so many years! It was chaos in our house every other weekend, alternating holidays and part of the summer. So stressful! What was REALLY frustrating was knowing it didn't have to be that way.

I wish we'd had a family guide book that each household HAD to follow or face the judge's wrath. Yeah right, judge's wrath. That's funny. Maybe in a world where the courts aren't biased would that happen. It was very difficult when we had rules and consequences and the other house criticized, ignored, or openly antagonized the situation.

That has been one advantage to a long-distance type schedule. Those times are now fewer with much more "calm" within our own family home now. It's been great not having to worry about the cussing and my own kids getting hurt on a weekly basis anymore (and not having to deal with the ex on a weekly basis either). I do miss them, but I don't miss the constant chaos.

Can't Take Promotion Until Child Support Done

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 14:23:00 +0000

...and it's not what it sounds like.

I'm feeling a little down right now. My husband was offered a promotion at work. It is better hours (M-F office job as opposed to 3rd shift plant job) but because the overtime isn't there for this new position (and we need the overtime to make up for what goes out to the ex to meet our own bills), this new position wouldn't pay enough for our household expenses and child support.

I'm really upset. I wish it were four years into the future and child support was done and he could take this new position. It'd be the best thing for his health and for the family - our kids and his since he also can't talk to his kids during the week either. When he gets up to go to work (after 9), he's not "allowed" to call his older kids because they're supposedly in bed (yeah, right...they're teenagers...in bed my butt!). He used to call from his cell on the drive into work at 9:15 but the ex told him he can't. On the weekends, they're all over the place and hard to find (might be on purpose, who knows). We can't make weekend trips to see them because his 3rd shift job starts on Sunday night so the weekend isn't really a weekend.

3rd shift means he doesn't get to spend time with our kids during the week because when they get home from school, he's sleeping. When he gets up to go to work, they're in bed so he hugs who is still awake in bed and then leaves. It means he can't help with homework (sure could use his help with algebra with our oldest), have dinner with us, or go to the different sports events during the week. It means his body is getting battered on 3rd shift - he's sick more, he's crabby, etc. It's not been good for his health at all. We haven't had dinner together as a family consistently in almost four years because his body clock is opposite of ours.

Every major family decision over the years has been put off until child support was done. I wouldn't want to wish my kids to age 18 right away, but I sure wish my stepkids were 18 and we could then make decisions that would be best for our family as a whole instead of just for two.

Panic Sets in Over Swine Flu at School

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:05:00 +0000

It's asthma season for us here in our household. On Monday, right on schedule, my daughter started her barking asthma cough. It happens every October as the seasons change (it happens every spring too). There's never a fever or anything - just that barking cough that lasts 3-4 weeks.

Since she didn't have a fever, she went to school on Monday. The barking cough made her teachers nervous (H1N1, swine flu panic) so even though she didn't have a fever, and this has happened every year for the last several years, and the nurse knows this and remembered it herself, she was sent home. I was told by the nurse (whispered to so nobody else at the school heard) that she's fighting an uphill battle, to give her a little bit of time at home to make sure a fever doesn't develop and then to bring her back to school and she'll back me up. The fact that she had NO FEVER didn't mean anything in the panic.

So 48 hours later, I took her to her pediatrician to get a note clearing her for school. Like every year at this time, and just like I thought, it was her asthma. I didn't need to visit the doc in the lab coat for me to know that but I wanted 100% assurance when I took her back into school so they couldn't try to send her home again. She'd missed enough pre-algebra! I got my note and took her back to school. They had to allow her back in and the teachers will just have to deal with their panicky nerves over her asthma cough.

Scoliosis for Stepdaughter?

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:50:00 +0000

My stepdaughter likely has scoliosis. Apparently, the ex knew this was a good possibility from x-rays taken several years ago but she never bothered to tell my husband about any of this and the fact that his child might have a curved spine until a couple weeks ago! The ex is just now looking at treatment (now that she's in a lot of pain). Why not do something a few years ago when she was still growing? She should've mentioned it to dad. Does JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY not mean anything to that woman? I don't get this AT ALL.

Was DAD not there when these children were created? Has he not paid his child support on time, every week, for all these years? Was he not there to sign the Affidavit of Parentage as FATHER (even though the ex asked him not to sign this for their son because she didn't want to share him with dad and has made him pay for the last 14+ years for acknowledging his own son). He should've gotten a paternity test first in my opinion but it's a little late now. She must still be confused about the fact that he can still love his kids and not love her. She told him once that if he didn't love her...yada yada. You know how it goes. Getting sidetracked with old complaints...

There are times I really want to say "to heck with it all" and move where we want to move, where it doesn't get bitterly cold and give my daughter and I asthma problems. We stayed as close as possible for his kids but he has no input into their lives anyway! Sometimes I just want to run away from it all. I could book a cheap hotels gulf shores vacation to catch a break but we can't even afford cheap. It's been several years since we've had a vacation.

The economy is so bad right now. There is no overtime and there are rumors of paycuts. I told my husband this morning that in a couple weeks, we were going to have to start making decisions on which bills to pay and which bills to let go. Obviously, child support will be paid first. It always is. The six of us will have to suffer. My stepkids won't.

Do you do your kids school work for them?

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 14:19:00 +0000

We are already thinking about Christmas here. With six kids to buy for, and our budget strained so badly right now, we're trying to figure out how to get a few things for each child that they really want, as opposed to junk they won't use for very long.

Last year, I wanted to find a small laptop for my stepdaughter who is now a junior in high school. We couldn't afford it then and we can't afford it now. I figured for typing reports, it would come in handy. Since finding that her mother types all her reports for when she's at work (how is this teaching her how to do this for college?), she doesn't need one anyway. Since we can't even afford a toy laptop, guess it doesn't matter now.

My 7th grade daughter types her own reports. I thought as a parent we were supposed to teach our kids to do for themselves, to be self-sufficient.

Child Support First

noreply@blogger.com (Syn) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 13:57:00 +0000

No matter how far behind we fall in our own family bills, like our house payment currently, the children's child support is always paid on time. Sometimes, it irritates me that she blows the support so easily when we struggle so much but that's the price I guess for not having child support accountability. It also irritates me sometimes that she always gets her money first and our four kids get denied things we can't afford. My kids aren't important in the eyes of the law unless I divorce their father. Then they become important because then they make money for the state (the state gets money from federal gov't for every dollar they collect in child support). Nothing we can do about it; it's just irritating sometimes.

With us falling behind in our own bills, I am looking at how to increase my own income more to make up for the lack of work and hours at my husband's employer right now. Blogging helps us a lot so if I, perhaps, create more blogs and concentrate on seo service to get new blogs out there in the blogosphere, maybe it'll bring in some more income. If we can get through the next four years (child support will be done) and keep our house, I'll be happy.