StephanieNeilan.com

1 Book + 2 Movies = Steph’s review

Stephanie — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 21:30:38 +0000

I was asked to suggest a few books or movies for others recently and thought I’d share them here. What do you think?

Book: Play to Win!: Choosing Growth Over Fear in Work and Life by Larry Wilson

Get excited about thriving instead of surviving and taking an honest look at how you think. Want a mental shift? Depending on how reflective and engaged the reader is willing to be, it could seriously grow someone emotionally, spiritually, and relationally if they applied the principles. It’s also fun, upbeat, and visually appealing – using color and illustrations throughout. A light and engaging read – powerful if one applies the principles expressed.

Movie: What Dreams May Come

Full of afterlife implications and possibilities, the main theme is about a man’s journey in death to do what he was unable to do in life. It causes the viewer to look at their own life and consider what they’re doing on earth that actually means something. To take a look at what is truly transcendent and how that impacts the way one lives. What I love most is how it causes me to truly ‘see’ the people in front of me (children, friends, clients, partners, strangers) and ‘join’ them wherever they may be in their life journey when our paths meet. It has a heavy Hindu spiritual influence and even if one isn’t in line with such beliefs, there is a lot to savor and embrace from this movie experience.

Movie: The Muppet Movie

Silly and full of life – it can be watched as a joyful ‘no thinking’ flick. At the same time, each song is *packed* with lyrics that parallel much of life’s quirks, relational woes, and heart breaking life transitions. If you watch it, keep an eye out for the desert scene: the lyrics of the song Gonzo sings and the dialogue where Kermit talks to himself. A beautiful example for all of us about the promises we make to ourselves and that we are worth following through on the dreams we have for our lives.

2011 Business Planning Online Event, Dec 9-10

Stephanie — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 21:33:54 +0000

Click here for the flier.

Click here to register.

Sidewalk Super Stars vs. Don’t run into the street

Stephanie — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 01:34:45 +0000

Question Asked:

We are trying to come up with a creative solution to provide some type of blockade to prevent kids from running into the street when they come out of the front doors at our church. We don’t really want to rope off the area or make it uninviting, but we want to do something that will keep that area a little more contained. Do you have any thoughts or ideas?

Question Answered:

Thanks for the ‘random question’ – it’s right on track with strategic communication and that’s my area of expertise. This might be more information than you were looking for or might spark another idea of even greater value. Whatever the case, I hope it’s a help.

Positive Conditioning & Education – involves other people, is proactive, and promotes a ‘healthy’ sense of self-protection.

Fun lesson/song for all teachers to incorporate into their classes – something simple & catchy with the words like “Stop! Look! Step!” and even interactive with a taped line on the floor acting like a curb that they play out good behavior (staying on the sidewalk).
Also, rewards for ‘staying on the sidewalk’ would be good. Meaning, stickers that the greeters hand to kids who choose to ‘stay on the sidewalk’…and even have the sticker say something to that effect. “I’m a Sidewalk Super Star – I stick to the sidewalk!” This second option would be significant and I’m guessing it wouldn’t be two Sunday’s before there would be evidence that the technique is working.
Create a video - even just a short clip to be watched by children showing good behavior and cues to remind them to stay on the sidewalk, relating stories of getting hurt as the consequences, and giving visual pictures to the benefits of staying on the sidewalk – visiting with people, holding hands with parent, getting a sticker, etc..
Create a video - short clip to be shown to adults in the sanctuary to remind us the importance of watching out for our little ones (might even just show the video you create for the kids so the adults get a sense of what they kids will be visualizing as expectations).
Side note: If you decide to go down any of the routes above, I’d be happy to help build or edit the content for a brain-based processing approach so the messages will be most effective.

Physical Options – While putting up a wall would definitely be a fix, it’s not all that lovely to look at. Keeping safety awareness in the forefront of people’s minds is really what is key with the following examples.

Sequential artwork: Putting sequential artwork on the sidewalk itself that cause children to walk in sequence of the photos or numbered footprints. This can be done in a contemporary/classy/fun way rather than in kid’s primary colors way to keep the aesthetics of the entrance nice. The idea here is giving children and their parents a guide for where they should be focusing.
Kid-Friendly area: If there is a kid-friendly area on the west side where kids can congregate (kid sized park bench or a small kid-friendly statuary as a “come find me” target), art can be painted that keeps them focused on the ‘trail’ (that happens to be on the sidewalk) to the kid-friendly area.
Sidewalk personality: Give the sidewalk a personality with picket sign thought bubbles at kid level. Galvanized buckets that sit at the door jams* and on the curb, using the back of a wooden spoon affix a picture of good behavior in action or colorful words that face the children exiting the building. – “Walk on me!” “Plant your feet here.” “Step on a crack and you’re right on the right track.” “Tread on me.” “Feet go here.” You could even create a character that represents the sidewalk and these are just thought bubbles from it’s mouth. This would also be a great/subtle reminder to parents that it’s a concern to pay attention too.
Theater queues: Lastly and more physically restricting, you could have sections roped off like they do in lines at the theater, but again at kid level. Leaving an opening area for where older people or visitors might be picked up would at least be a smaller area to have to watch out for regarding the little ones.
Landscape chain: If you’re looking for something more permanent, you might consider a landscape chain that runs up and down the sidewalk. Example: http://www.hooverfence.com/woodfence/3429.htm. I’m not sure what is regulation with the city about sidewalk alterations such as this. So, you’d want to check something like that out first.

*Because the depth of the sidewalk is so short it’s important to do something to remind kids/adultsbefore they ever exit the front doors.

Whatever method you use, the most important thing to communicate is “stay on the sidewalk” and NOT”don’t run into the street.” The brain naturally focuses on the picture you create with your words.

If you say ‘don’t run into the street’ that is the only image the child/adults brain is programmed to look for/work toward/focus on. So, no matter that you do, be sure to focus on the image/behavior you DO want.

Happy sidewalk promotion!

Strategy Coaching A Six Year Old – Part 2

Stephanie — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 22:43:41 +0000

Not 20 minutes after the first call, I got a second call from Tim.

He said he had a big decision to make as the camping party would be leaving tomorrow. That even though he was still concerned about missing his folks, he knew what he was going to do about it. The other thing that concerned him was that his friend’s dad sometimes talks in a deep voice and it scares him.

So our discussion covered what about his deep voice that was scary – Tim said the voice “can’t scratch me”, so he concluded it wasn’t physical. Tim said the dad might “say something bad that would hurt my feelings or scare me.” When asked what kind of words he might say, Tim gave the example, “No, Tim, you aren’t supposed to do that and you know it.”

Ah, so then we talked about being caught doing something we aren’t supposed to and feeling embarrassed. How to handle feeling embarrassed and which things are in Tim’s control, such as his responses. When I gave example dialogue of what makes me feel better, “I’m embarrassed and I knew that wasn’t right. I’m sorry.” He agreed with a sigh of relief. I acknowledged that it’s not fun to admit when we’re wrong and that it can make us very uncomfortable. So, it made a lot of sense that he didn’t like when the dad raised his voice especially if it was because of his behavior.

Then I asked, “How would you want your friend’s parents to tell you you did something wrong?” He really wrestled on this one and came up with wanting them to say, [1] “Tim, you did something wrong. Please don’t do that again.” [2] To say it, not yelling and deep voice at the same time.

Then I asked how would you like to make it better after this is communicated? Would you like a hug? A high five? Silence followed as he did more thinking…and then, [3] “Have them smile at me and I smile back so they know I get it.”

Excellent ideas! After much praise, we agreed that talking with his friend’s parents today would help him make the “big decision” about the camping trip. If he could let them know the three things he needed and they responded well, he’d know if this was a good time to try it out with them. “Yeah, that would really help! I’ll do that.” After I had him repeat the three aspects to me, he was ready to jump off the phone and take action.

Here’s the thing with kids – the proof is in the obvious emotional relief and the willingness to take action. If Tim didn’t think that was going to work for him, he wouldn’t have been so willing to go and talk to the other parents. Rather, through coaching around his own thoughts and feelings we found a way for him to address others authentically to meet his and their communication needs.

Strategy Coaching A Six Year Old – Part 1

Stephanie — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 21:40:40 +0000

Got this text from the mom of a 6-year old today:

Tim is having a crisis. He could use somebody to talk to. I am not saying the right thing I guess. Call our home phone when you get a chance. Thanks.

Not knowing what was to ensue; I called and asked for 6-year-old Tim. After exchanging hello’s, he dove right in to tell me the situation.

Tim wanted to accept a friend’s invitation to spend the night, but was afraid of being away from his folks. He’d had a homesick night away a few months past and couldn’t shake that it might happen again.

He said he wanted to be fine, but knew he would “kinda miss them.” So I asked what about them he misses when he’s away. He said he needed to think about that and after a pause he shared that he just likes “being around them” and “having them around.” This told me it was more about the certainty of that companionship than fears of the dark, the friend’s home, or some other concern that was weighing him down.

When asked what he did in past situations that made him feel better, we were able to establish that doing fun things and interacting with people (more than watching movies or playing video games) made him feel more upbeat while away from his folks.

Here are the three things we came up with for him to do:

Agree to a time when both he and his parents will do the same activity “together” while apart – i.e. drawing a picture. (This was to give him an anchor that they are still connected even if not present with one another. And evidence upon the return to give proof to the “shared” experience.)
Take something of his parents that makes him happy. A hat, a funny toy, a pillow case. Something that makes him smile or laugh when he thinks of his folks. (The funnier the better. Having a familiar object is also a way to feel physically close to mom and dad.)
And then bedtime. That an hour before bedtime he needed to do things that made him especially happy – songs, tickling, jokes, etc. “Yes!” he responded, “I was happy at night at my other friend’s house cause it was so fun.” So he shared and made a plan for doing the very same thing in this upcoming experience.

When asked if he’d like me to share what we came up with to his parent or if he wanted to, he eagerly replied he wanted to go tell them – right now!

The delight in his discovery at each question or reflection was so purely inspiring.

April 15 …all…most…there!

Stephanie — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 14:33:11 +0000

Man, it feels great to get my taxes done! What is it about that deadline that feels so foreboding at times?

As is common with solo entrepreneurs, bookkeeping and organized finance is an area where I am personally challenged. My strengths are in understanding people, plans and forward movement. Taxes are “so last year.”

Reviewing all those collected little details from the year before is like that little black rain cloud hovering over the honey tree whose attention I want to avoid.

Here are a few small things that have made a big difference for me:

Keep an on-going file folder and drop in every receipt that pertains to business.
Use the same credit and bank cards for every purchase. This makes tracking and verifying numbers much easier.
Delegate bookkeeping and financial reports to someone who excels in that area. Stay focused on doing the work that I do best and bring in others who can balance me out with their strengths.
Throughout the year give receipts, credit card and bank statements to bookkeeper for entry. This also allows for more accurate P&L Statements to help keep the business on track moving forward.

No, this isn’t rocket science. But for those of us whose talents lie elsewhere, even a small routine embraced can make a positive difference.

Free flowchart: How to plan an effective meeting

Stephanie — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:21:57 +0000

Okay, so…I love making flow charts. I could write everything out in text, but it’s just so much more fun to look at something visually interesting. Don’t you think?

Effective meetings rarely “just happen.” Taking the time to think through your objectives and the people involved ahead of time will do wonders for making it the time well spent. Some steps are obvious, some are not. Whatever the case, everyone wins when you plan well.

Click here for the flowchart pdf: Running a Meeting

Audio: The Black Bag Story

Stephanie — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 17:40:54 +0000

Though this story is intended for children coming to therapy, it is just as wonderful and useful creating a picture for us adults. Thanks to the creative genius of Dr. Kali Miller, this tale reaches every one of us.

DrKaliMillers_BlackBagStory

If you’re coming in for counseling with me, listening to this story is a great place to start.

How big is your black bag? What kinds of feelings are scrunched up in there? That is what our time together is all about.

Drawings and illustrations of your black bag are encouraged and welcome!

Affirmations: Creating your own

Stephanie — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 19:06:01 +0000

Here are some questions to answer when trying to come up with your own effective affirmations:

What do you want in this area? *Really* want? No one else has to know, but you need to.

Ex: I want to be physically active.

What is a realistic target you could give yourself around that want?

Ex: I could run a small race…maybe something like a 5k.

Picture yourself having that. Who are you with? What surrounds you? What are you wearing? What do you notice about your body? Your mind? How are others effected by you having what you want?

Ex: My family and a few friends are watching, clapping. I have strong leg and back muscles. I don’t get tired. I’m happy, because I feel physically capable.

Now use that picture to create a few lines that speak to you having what you want. And don’t be stiff about it. Really let yourself tap into what’s important to you about this area you’ve chosen to focus on.

Ex: I’m running in a 5k race for some benefit. My friends and family are cheering me on. I have good posture as I run. I have energy and am not withering at any point in the race. My clothes fit well to my body and my legs don’t rub together at the thighs. My hair is long and flowing in a ponytail behind the hat on my head. I look radiant.

Read or Listen to your affirmations daily, when possible: 01 5kRun

Affirmations: Tapping into motivations

Stephanie — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 18:03:08 +0000

Goals can sometimes be like a race to the end of a field and back. We see the target in sight and focus only on that point. As soon as we hit it, we rush back to where we started rather than stay at the goal or move forward.

In the example of loosing weight, we sometimes have a number as our target – pounds, a size of clothing. There is some evidence that when people focus only on the numbers their bounce back rate is pretty high. People hit their number and then rush back to where they started on the scale in the first place.

It’s like planning a wedding, but not preparing for the marriage. We focus our efforts on the event of hitting that goal and not what it will take to maintain it. Planning for maintenance post-goal achieved probably sounds like ‘one more thing.’ But what’s great about it is that if you actually work your mind around long-term maintenance type of thinking you end up tapping into more intrinsic/internal motivations that will sustain you more effectively in the long run.

Below I share a slew of my own affirmations. As you listen, notice that I don’t mess around with vague words or ideas. I give a clear picture of what I see in the areas that motivate me in particular. Someone else hearing these might not be motivated at all. In fact, they may be turned off or just find them humorous (I do too sometimes). Your affirmations are going to sound different, but hopefully, this will get your juices flowing around the possibilities.

Please keep in mind these were never written or recorded with the intention of my sharing them with anyone. My mother encouraged I share them after I had her as a captive audience in my car one morning. They may sound egotistical or goofy…but they are what motivated me and that was the point. I hope you find them useful.

18 Workout Activities

20 Mantra

You don’t have to record your affirmations. I just found I was more consistent incorporating them into my day when I had them on my MP3 player. Finding a way to have them in front of you regularly is key. Use whatever method works best for you – post-it’s on the mirror, a list on your night stand or refrigerator - you name it. Just keep them at the forefront of your mind.