I also dislike fundamentalists in the world of emotional health, relationships, and therapy. Here’s what I mean:

—If you have trouble sticking up for yourself and asserting for what you want, I want to challenge you to get better at that. But you don’t have to be assertive 100% of the time. Sometimes (in my book) it’s perfectly fine for you to expect the other person to come to you.

—If you have trouble managing your emotions by yourself, or holding onto yourself when you’re upset or in conflict with your partner, I want to challenge you to get better at that. But then there are times when it’s perfectly fine to sob in your partner’s arms…and be upset when your partner isn’t there for you!

—If you have problems controlling your anger, and your anger is preventing you from being emotionally close to others (or causing other problems in your life), I want to challenge you to get better at working with your anger. But then there are times when you blow your stack, and you know what? That’s okay. Sometimes the universe can just deal with your tantrum!

What I’m trying to say here is that even though it’s up to us to work on our issues, get better at handling our emotions, and improve our ability to choose the lives we want to live, sometimes we just come unglued, or have a bad hair day, and that’s okay. Too often I’ve worked with clients who try to be purists—or fundamentalists—about their personal growth. And sometimes (alas) I can come across as a therapist who expects you to be 100% successful at your goals. Let’s avoid that trap. If you lose your cool, okay, so you lost your cool. If you just need a shoulder to cry on, then by all means find one and lean in. There will always be ways for you to return to your goals and personal growth!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

If you’re feeling down—for any reason—my first instinct is to help you work through it and feel better. Most often, that’s your goal too. But even if it’s just the weather, I might also work with you to build your tolerance and strengthen your attitude about the occasional low moods you experience.

Sometimes it’s a mistake to work so hard to overcome these moods, or medicate them away. If it’s a seasonal-affect thing, one good solution is to find sunshine and find it fast: is now a good time to pop down to Vegas for a long weekend? But another good solution is to walk with the feelings a bit. Take a long autumn walk (even if it’s raining!) and give yourself some time to simply move your body, breathe, and experience this blue moment in your life.

I had a couple of blue days last week. I still don’t really know why. I could lay out the probable reasons, which could be work stress, divided energies, or an unwise decision not to go to the health club often enough last week. But I’m a person, not a machine. Sometimes I’ll feel happy for no understandable reason, and that works for low moods too. Is it some past loss I’ve suffered, resurfacing now, in the dying of the year? Is it just the darkening skies of late October? I don’t know, but I doubt it. I decided it was best to simply experience it. I framed it as a touch of melancholy, a natural, human thing. I also talked about it with a person I trust, and that was helpful.

This week I feel better, and next week is unwritten, unknown. If you’re feeling a little melancholy, that’s perfectly fine. You might be just fine. Let’s talk about it, if you’d like, but first, think about a long walk under the fall trees and gray clouds.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

therapy-flyer1

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

There’s a lot of evidence out there that people who know LGBT persons are much more likely to be liberal about the political issues related to sexual orientation. That’s why I think it’s important for me to let you know that this law currently allows people you know—your neighbors, friends, and family—to choose their kin, fill out their 401(k) beneficiary forms, and visit their loved ones in peace. That’s it. And many of the couples this law protects are elderly heterosexual friends who have found that they can secure their own futures better by pooling their resources and designating their most intimate companions to visit them when they’re sick, and handle their affairs when they die. What’s not to like about this law?

So please vote ‘yes’ on Ref-71. And here’s a photo of two members of one family who thank you for your support!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Even if you don’t live in Washington, please consider a donation. As my webmaster told me, “this is our Prop-8.” It’s vital that we pass this referendum!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

It’s a pretty simple metaphor: in January, a rose doesn’t look or smell like a rose. It actually looks pretty pathetic: a few dark, prickly sticks shooting out of the ground, and that’s it. Maybe there are a few forlorn leaves from last season clinging to the sticks. And maybe–if winter has been going on long enough–there are a couple of very small leaf buds pushing out at certain points. But it’s not the most attractive winter plant in your garden. And it just can’t compare to what a rose looks like in June.

If you’re discouraged, it might be because you’re a rose in January right now, at least with regard to the problem you’re having. You have a hard time feeling comfortable at cocktail parties. Or you’re scared because if you confront your partner about a problem, you’re certain it’ll just turn into a fight. Or you’re frustrated about your weight. Or you can’t stop smoking.

Whatever your problem is, try to take a moment to regard yourself with a little more compassion, and imagine yourself as a rose in January: these are dark times, and you’re certainly not blossoming. But even now, in all this cold and wet, you might be able to notice small movements within yourself. You’re able to do more at cocktail parties than you used to. You’re scared about your relationship problem, but you have a couple of good ideas and are getting (just a little) better at fighting in a healthy way. Or you’re at least maintaining your weight, and starting to eat more vegetables. Or you’re finally ready to think about a smoking-cessation program, and this time you have a little more support.

Even if you can’t notice any of those things, keep imagining yourself as a rose in January. It’s a necessary part of the life cycle for a rose: they can’t blossom all year round. They need time to retreat, rest, and let go of all their fragrant beauty. This time in your life might be a lot like that. It might be a Winter time. If so, then I encourage you to be comforted by the potential and promise of Spring.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

True confessions, I am not a vegetarian. But at the same time, I try to find a balance in my eating, which means that there are days and seasons when I refrain from certain foods, and abstain from alcohol. Most spiritual practices and religious traditions encourage some form of what I call “rhythmic eating,” which is a pattern of eating simply (or even fasting), and feast days when you absolutely say yes to French fries (my poison) and dessert. I trust this ancient wisdom.

And I am getting better and better at reading labels. For example, I thought for a long time that “cage-free” was better than “free-range” because it meant that the hens truly did have room to walk, flutter their wings, and do all the other things animals like to do. It turns out that “cage-free” is a more accurate term than “free-range,” but it doesn’t mean the animals were raised or treated more humanely. Now I know to look for the term “free-farmed.” (And I also know that eating animals and animal products is a lot more complicated–and problematic–than I thought.)

So take some time today to pay attention to your diet, and your relationship with all living things. Happy World Vegetarian Day.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

First, I want to talk about what I like about the words. I like the way she looks at love–and life–from at least two perspectives. (Of course that’s the whole point of the song.) This song offers a substantially better treatment of these topics than, say, this ridiculous song. It’s a poignant reflection on disillusionment, loss, and regret. Most people I know–both personally and professionally–would do well to reflect on the emotional wounds they’ve suffered, and if they’re in a mood to reflect, I can hardly think of a better companion for them than Joni Mitchell.

But I don’t want this song to be the last word on these matters. I would never want Joni to write a happy verse at the end that wraps it all up in a nice, reassuring bow. That would ruin the song and cheapen the difficult emotional process that is limned by the text. But my wish for anyone who’s facing this kind of sadness is that at some point they would reach a point of integration. They may never fully resolve–much less “get over”–what has happened to them. But I hope they can integrate it into their lives, and move forward with wisdom. When I reach the end of this song, I long for another verse that takes us all further in that direction.

But as I said, it’s a terrific song! Enjoy it, and may you continue moving forward in your own story of life and love.

Both Sides Now, by Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
Ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ‘em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

The problem is, resentment is just about the most worthless emotional state I can think of. (Shame is rarely useful, but even shame can sometimes be a motivator for good behavior and personal growth.) But resentment is a lot like getting your car stuck in a big pothole. What are you going to do now? Or it’s like the Jail square on the Monopoly board. There’s nothing to do there but wait for the Get Out of Jail card.

Here’s my solution to the resentment problem: if you feel resentful, tell yourself that as dark as your thoughts and feelings are, you’re really not being very serious. That’s right: you’re not being serious. You’re not taking your situation seriously enough to move past resentment and do something about it. Let’s go through one of the examples above to see what I mean:

If you resent your partner for making assumptions about you, that means you’re not taking yourself seriously. For example, let’s say your partner assumed you would follow his lead when it comes to sex. He has preferences–he likes his positions, he expects a certain frequency, a certain duration, a certain type of massage oil, you get the idea–and you resent him because he never asked you what you wanted, what you preferred.

And maybe he’s resentful too–resentful that you’re complaining about all of this. He’s resenting your resentment! If this is going on, it probably means that you yourself need to take more seriously your own vision of sex and relationships. It’s not your partner’s job to automatically tune in to your preferences. It’s your job to put them out there on your own behalf. If you’re resenting him, that means you’re still waiting around for him to do your own work. You’re waiting for him to become more interested in your view of things than you seem to be yourself! If you want a different sexual experience, resenting your partner won’t make it happen. You have to get in touch with what you want, then take your preference (and yourself) seriously enough to assert for it.

If you feel resentful, that probably makes sense. (I’ll even grant you that your partner is probably being insensitive!) But to get what you want, it helps to notice your resentment, see how it just keeps you stuck in Monopoly Jail, step out of it, and say, “Hey! So let’s have sex my way tonight. I love my way, I’m good at it, and I love you, so I like our chances for having a great time!”

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!