Stephen (and Dante) on Stuff

Inexplicable TV Review: Tagteam, With Jesse Venture and Roddy Piper

2012-02-08T20:30:00.001-05:00

[Left to right] Jesse and Roddy, and
the owner's evil wife and the owner.

So, back in the day, much like with Lookwell, there was an awesome idea for a television show that only had one episode and didn’t have anymore. This show was called Tagteam, and featured Jesse Ventura and “Hot Rod” Roddy Piper playing, what else, former professional wrestlers. A glorious YouTube clip of the pilot episode’s final fight scene is here.

The show is awesome for several reasons. First, wrestling is taken to be deadly serious. As in, these are real fights. When “Tricky” Rick MacDonald (Piper) and Billy “The Body” Youngblood (Ventura) refuse to purposely lose a match, the owner’s wife lies to him about the boys, saying they made a pass at her. The owner, who looks suspiciously like Vince McMahon, immediately fires them after the match.

This leads to a hilarrrrious montage of them trying to find work. They try furniture moving at first, but Billy’s back give out on him, and they drop a grand piano down a flight of stairs, through a window and on to their truck, destroying it. “I think we body slammed the truck…” Ha ha ha! What witty banter.

They find their true calling at the supermarket. Using just wrestling moves, they manage to subdue four would-be robbers, and this experience leads them to enroll in the police academy.

By the way, this pilot covers a lot of ground – probably because for some reason, there are only like three or four commercial breaks. Next, we see them at the police academy, which is also awesome. They have to complete an obstacle course, and of course, there is a nagging “funny” recruit, basically a homeless man’s Michael Winslow.

This whole police academy montage takes about 10 minutes, and then, the boys are on “plain clothes” detail, providing muscle for two fat older cops. They do an awesome job, the two fat old cops suck and let the witness get captures, and that leads to the fight montage in the linked YouTube clip above.

Just like Lookwell, this show is mostly awesome because it’s so incredibly dated, and because the concept is pure cheese. I’m not sure what they could have done for future episodes – I guess it would have been a straight police procedural, but geez, there isn’t much reason to watch one with two wrestlers over the other options available at the time.

The photos are from iMockery, which have their own awesome review of this show here.

Inexplicable Video Game Review: Please Minus The Awkwardness Next Time

2012-02-04T22:00:00.005-05:00

[Right] One of the two incredibly awkward characters, Ms. Estelle Bright. Note to pervs: She's 16.

So, my most recent video game conquest was a pretty decent traditional role-playing game for the PSP, The Legends of Heroes: Trails in the Sky. Because it’s for the PSP, and thus none of you reading this will ever play it because I’m one of the five people in the world with a PSP, let me spoil the game for you right now.

Basically, the gameplay is really solid – it’s sort of like a turn-based Grandia. Battlefield position and area of effect attacks are important, and you have both magic points (replenished by inns and items) and skill points (replenished by giving and receiving damage in battles). Except for one fight, the difficulty your first time through the game skews a bit easy, with extra difficulty options available on New Game+.

The plot is also strong. It’s your traditional sort of “intrigue in the palace” stuff, with a coup being launched by a military guy, but it has a nice amount of twists. Pretty much everyone you come into contact with has an appropriate role, and (for the most part) you don’t run into the Final Fantasy trick of a wildly out of nowhere end boss. (“Hey remember that guy you met briefly 45 hours ago, he’s the real end boss!”)

However, there are two really awkward parts to the game, both revolving around the lead character, Estelle and Joshua.

In the game, the two are both 16.
In the game, Joshua is both Estelle’s adopted brother, and, uh, her love interest.

Luckily, because they’re both 16, there isn’t anything like a sex scene, but they do kiss toward the end of the game, which is as horrifically awkward as it sounds. The back story to them – Josh was adopted into the family at 11 by Estelle’s dad. This isn't a hentai game or anything, so neither aspect is really brought up in the blurb about the game on GameFly.

Throughout the game, it is teased that they have an awkward like of each other because of this, which is fine. Hey, it worked for Arrested Development. However, in the last quarter to third of the game, it’s clear the awkwardness is going to turn into some sort of conversation between the two, and it submarines and taints an otherwise fine plot.

I’m guessing for the game, a straight translation was done from Japanese to English – maybe this sort of thing is a bit more, uh, permissible over there. But gosh, I probably would have been fine with them just axing the love angle and making some cosmetic changes to the script. This would have caused havoc with the later two games in the series though, which are (tentatively) also planned to be released in America, although via Steam as opposed to the PSP.

I’m not the only one to notice the pseudo-incest going on in the game. So, uh… I’m glad it wasn’t just me who thought that.

“Why Katherine Heigl really left Grey’s Anatomy!”

2012-02-02T19:00:00.001-05:00

The title of this entry is a bumper / commercial tease they had on the Anderson Cooper talk show Anderson. Unfortunately though, she lost points with me because she didn’t just share the real reason – Someone was going to give her a load of money to appear in bad romantic comedies.

If she had said that, I would have been immediately won over. I like celebrities that are willing to be frank, even if it’s only for a minute. The ultimate example is Bill Murray, who has made a career out of smirking sarcastically with the audience while acting, but 1/100^th of that is normally enough to satisfy me.

It’s for that reason that I kind of respect Miley Cyrus. Back in the day, when asked about having Jay-Z in the lyrics of “Party in the USA,” she said, “I’ve never heard a Jay-Z song … I don’t listen to pop music … I don’t know [where the lyrics came from], I didn’t write the song, so I have no idea.”

Awareness always makes me more receptive to a person, so I’d much rather hang out with Miley than Katherine, I bet. Sorry Katherine, I don’t really believe that you wanted the artistic challenge of going from Grey’s Anatomy to fare like 27 Dresses and The Ugly Truth. You’re just lucky you got cast in Knocked Up, since without that, your overall box office earnings probably look as anemic as any other marginal drama-to-chick flick “actress.”

… This is why I should probably be focusing on my 400+ e-mail backlog as opposed to Anderson.

The Perils of “Free” Internet

2012-01-31T22:00:00.001-05:00

There is the old adage of “you get what you pay for,” which seems to be doubly true for any sort of place offering “free” Internet access. For whatever reason, all of the coffee shops near me that advertise access, it’s really nothing but a cruel joke. Their sign should instead say, “We will tease you by seemingly offering an Internet connection but you will not actually be able to get anything done.” (That’s a lot of words for a sign, I know, but with The Economy the way it is right now, I’m sure you can get a deal.)

At first, I thought this was just because there was a bunch of people trying to get access to the Internet, like I am. But I’ve also been at these shops when no one else is there, because I’m a weird nomad that works at all hours of the day, and no dice. The popularity of the place seemed to have no effect on the Internet connection – Even when empty, Panera in Wakefield still has incredibly horrible access that works for, at most, about five minutes.

Making things worse is that many portions of South County also have shitty cell phone access. I have this nifty wireless aircard for work, which gives me web access via cell phone signals. As a result, I’m hoping acres and acres of farmland here is devoted to cell phone towers, because I’m getting annoyed that just checking my Facebook takes about five minutes at Brewed Awakenings.

On some completely random notes, I made some Shake and Bake chicken last night – it came out awesome. Just thought y’all would like to know. Also, poor Chris Jericho. Why couldn’t he have won the Royal Rumble? (Since this is a blog, I do feel the need to throw in these two completely random and intensely personal observations.)

Excuse Me While I Talk About Wrestling

2012-01-26T21:00:00.001-05:00

My one vice, even more so than listening to Lisa Loeb, remains professional wrestling. Yes, I still watch Raw every Monday night, and I’ll even tune in to TNA Impact if I feel like hurting my brain, and if something better (Archer, Always Sunny, most of NBC’s Thursday night lineup) isn’t on.

And my favorite pro wrestling event each year is always the Royal Rumble, and the rumble match itself. For those of you uninterested in pro wrestling, let me go on in GREAT detail about this!

The rumble match itself consists of 30 superstars fight in an over-the-top battle royal for a title shot at Wrestlemania. Two superstars start off, one-on-one, and every 90 to 120 seconds (it varies depending on the year), a new wrestler is thrown into the mix.

Basically, the match serves as a sort of poo-poo platter of wrestling. Most everyone in the match gets a chance to get some offense in, and because there are 29 eliminations, you get plenty of drama and storylines created and furthered by what happens in the rumble.

Today’s match, on paper, figures to be a bit ho-hum. My favorite wrestler, Chris Jericho, just returned to action this month, and the rumble will be his first actual match back. ([Right] Him in his over-the-top, fan pleasing persona right now.) He’s one of the favorites to win because he’s one of the few major WWE wrestlers lacking a regular feud right this second. Meaning, him winning would automatically propel him into a major angle / storyline.

For whatever reason, the best rumble of all-time, the 1992 edition, is available on YouTube in its entirety. Yes, it is totally 1990s wrestling, but if you like wrestling at all then you should be a big fan of the action. Plus, it has Bobby Heenan at his peak on the microphone! And Ric Flair! (If you want some awesomeness from both, skip ahead to about 9:15 in the match for his entrance, and 33:30 for the introduction of Roddy Piper.)

Steve Can Cook: Burgers

2012-01-22T20:00:00.001-05:00

In my continued culinary experimentation, I made a discovery the other week – Ground meat is almost always cheaper than the full or partial cuts.

As a result, I picked up two pounds of ground beef, a pound of ground pork and a pound of ground veal. I mixed up a pound of the beef, the pork and the veal with some salt, pepper and garlic, and I’ll be making burgers with that tonight, once I get home from Brewed Awakenings and some other stops.

However, I used the leftover pound of beef Saturday night for burgers. To prep them, I let them marinate in some lime and chipotle mix overnight, which was probably a mistake – the meat got a bit too soggy, and as a result, I think the patties had problems problem holding together.

Above is an overview of the finished product. I also took the time to toast the buns, but in reflection, this was probably unnecessary. They were Kaiser rolls, so they took a while to toast, and I think they mostly just absorbed the butter taste. Next time, I’ll probably just stick to regular hamburger buns if I’m going to toast something.

I did make one great decision with the meal. See that in the middle? Let’s zoom in a bit:

mmm, That’s Vermont cheddar cheese. I made a very simple stuffed burger, basically splitting the patty into two, inserting a slice of cheese, and then sealing it back up. This was a great success, and I think it would work better next time with some flavored cheese, like jalapeno, as opposed to flavoring the meat, which makes it too soggy.

A Study of Lesser Beings: Dance Moms

2012-01-18T19:00:00.001-05:00

[Right] Averting my eyes from the Always Tragic human condition.

“There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery.”

Filthy Humans, I have recently stumbled upon Programming that I find most illuminating when it comes to explaining your Brutish Psyche. My Current Owner often leaves Me alone for the day – as he should – and I thus have ample opportunity to sample what passes as “Culture” from your Disgusting Brood.

Frankly, the Beasts on this Dance Moms programme intrigues.

At first, my Superior mind boggled at the behavior of the Lummoxes toward their Spawn. Were their vocal chords insufficient to scream and abuse their own children? Why did they feel the need to sublet the Duty to an even larger Lummox?

Then, it struck Me – it was another example of the Sloth of your Filthy Brood. With the Largest Lummox watching over five Spawns, it allowed the other five Smaller Lummoxes to feast. Judging from the size of the Spawns, it also seems like the Smaller Lummoxes were feasting upon their portions.

While these methods of the Lummoxes are Crude and Undignified, I am always in Favor of the Strong preying upon the Weak.

When I was but a Kitten, I was quickly weaned off my mother’s Teat, and these Human Spawns seem to be of at least five or six years. Why, that’s a perfectly appropriate age for them to be foraging amongst the Streets, using their charm to receive free Italian dinners from bistros and to befriend alley cats.

Likewise, the Lummoxes seem uninterested with their Spawn, except when the Spawn can bring baubles of distinction back. Being of Superior Feline stock, my Mother was satisfied with Rodentia and Squirrel pelts, but the Lummoxes instead seem to covet the folly Human materials of gold and silver.

As Crafty as the Lummoxes might think Themselves, I feel that their plan will eventually backfire. For Starters, I find them to be adding too much Fat Girth Mass, as opposed to the lean, supple Mass of a majestic Superior Being. For each pound I gain, an equivalent Human Muscle would be 20 pounds.

Secondly, their Spawns will not always be Spawns. I remember even a brief period of Rebellion against my Mother, and she was quite stern but Fair with a Dignified Being such as myself. With their increased Girth, the Lummoxes will not be able to defend themselves from their more nimble Spawn, much like how the Simians of Congo rose up against the Filthy Diamond-Stealing Humans.

Dante is the cat of Steve. You can follow him on Facebook; he refuses to get a Twitter account, since he does not want to be associated with “filthy avian creatures.”

Steve Can Cook: Steak

2012-01-15T19:00:00.001-05:00

So I've finally decided to start cooking at my house again. It's a bit of a chore, since I have a very tiny kitchen, and I don't really like using my oven – It's very close to the wall, so I don't have room to stand in front of it when the door is open. Plus, it is one of those ovens with a pilot light, and it's from roughly 1923.

Because of all of the preceding factors, I finally bought the bullet and got a Foreman grill. Well, to be more precise, I got a fancier, nicer version of a Foreman grill, a clone made by General Electric. You can see a picture of it to the right. Unlike the old Foremans, this has removable plates, which makes the clean-up about a million times easier. It would be about a billion times easier, actually, but I don't have a dishwasher at this place. (This also factors into my laziness when it comes to cooking.)

I got it on Friday night, so I tested it out Saturday after a thorough washing. It actually cooks pretty well! I had a thick cut of London broil, plus another smaller cut that I fileted. While it did really well with the fileted cut, it still did a passable job on the thicker cut. With the older Foreman, it would normally just char and burn the top and bottom layers, and leave the middle uncooked. Not so with this grill.

To the right is my dinner for Sunday night. In lieu of buying a bunch of BBQ and liquid marinades, I rely more on flavor packets, since they just require vegetable oil and vinegar. Saturday's delicious steak dinner was peppercorn, and Sunday is baja citrus. I think that implies a mix of tang and sweet, but the flavor is always somewhat ambiguous until it is cooked into the meat.

Normally, I wouldn't make steak two nights in a row. Unfortunately, I took advantage of a 2-for-1 sale on the steaks, and I didn't notice that the expiration date for them both was Sunday. Thus I find myself in my current dilemma, overdosing on steak.

… Well, I suppose there are worse fates. Bon appetite!

Peach Rings and Other Convenience Store Food

2012-01-12T19:00:00.001-05:00

For whatever reason, there is a whole subset of food that only exists at gas stations and convenience stores. A good portion of it is really disgusting crap – you know, like those hot dogs on rollers.

But thanks to my trash compactor stomach, I must confess a guilty pleasure for all of it. The aforementioned hot dogs aren’t my actual favorite, but every couple of months, I just have a craving for hot dogs. I’ll usually buy a few at a gas station as opposed to buying a package of dogs and buns, since they normally go to waste.

(An overlooked negative aspect of living alone is that it’s tough to properly buy food in proper amounts. Hot dogs come in packages of six, with six to eight buns, which means I have to commit to two to three meals of hot dogs in a week. The same goes with salad, or in my case this week, London broil steak. I got two big, beautiful steaks because they were 2-for-1 this week, but I have to freeze one because they’re both a pound and a half each.)

My most recent obsession of the past two years? Peach rings. I don’t know why, but the only place they sell them around here are at Cumberland Farms and other gas stations / convenience stores. Along with things like gummy worms, Sour Patch kids and dried fruit, they exist in their own weird subset of food only sold at gas stations.

I wish the Sweettooth candy store, which the picture at the top comes from, was closer to me, because I’d buy those peach rings all the god damn time. As-is, mmm, maybe getting 100 pounds shipped to me isn’t such a bad idea...

Let’s Talk About Glee: Catching Up

2012-01-10T19:00:00.001-05:00

Since I haven’t blogged about Glee in a while, well, let’s.

Frankly, I’ve been left cold by much of this season. There has been a decent storyline or two, but for everything I like, I find myself annoyed by other things they’re doing on the show. Let’s start with the bad first, since it’s more on my mind. And a note: Major spoilers on the season-so-far of Glee to follow, obviously, but also a surprisingly amount of swearing.

[Right] To my female readers, this is your one "shirtless male photo" for the year, unless Nathan Fillon is cast in a sequel for Firefly, or something else equally awesome.

- The whole storyline between Puck, Rachel’s mom and Quinn just feels so ick and forced. First off, after showing the emotional maturity of Rachel’s mom at the end of previous seasons, it seems bizarre to have her falling for a high school kid. You basically wiped out all the work you did redeeming her character.

Secondly, they squelched a somewhat promising “Quinn is goth” storyline for a rehash of the same old shit, namely, “Quinn is evil and conniving.” Hey, for once, can’t Quinn just be a decent human being? Glee writers, you’ve already made her stop-and-start with Finn like five times, and give birth to a baby and become the school pariah. It would be nice to have a season where we don’t shit on Quinn.

It’s not like I really craved seeing Quinn as a goth for a half-season. However, it would have been preferable to the current storyline, where she had to be talked out of being a psychopath (framing the mother who adopted her baby) in the final episode.

- All of the political storylines feel forced. No, I don’t believe that Sue Sylvester could win a political campaign on the idea of eliminating arts funding. Yes, I do think people actually in the heartland should be pissed that the show is constantly portraying McKinely as the home of ignorant brutes just one step above fascists in terms of understanding.

Even worse, the whole thing lessened my liking of one of the show’s best characters, Kurt’s dad. He’s awesome as the seemingly-dull mechanic who’s way more clever and cunning than his son and stepson give him credit for. Now that he’s been elected to office, I’m cringing in anticipation of those storylines.

- Speaking of Sue Sylvester, Jane Lynch is awesome, but they need to find something for her to do. Like Quinn, I think it’s time they finally retired her over-the-top evil persona. You can stop having her be openly hostile of the Glee club, and find other things for her to rail about in the school. Find some new villains for the show, please.

- Anything involving Rachel and Finn makes me fast forward. Thanks to all the previous seasons of dicking around, I frankly don’t care that much about either one. The same goes for anything with Mr. Shue and Emma, who’s romance has morphed from “Will they or won’t they?” to “Start humping, or get the fuck off my television already!”

(And a warning to all you fans of Blaine and Kurt: They’re next. Brace yourself for plenty of episodes where Kurt suspects that Blaine is cheating on him with that new guy, and he’s not, but Kurt’s suspicions finally force Blaine into the arms of another man.)

So, what did I like? A rough list:

- Brittany continues to be a delight. And while I didn’t completely love how they handled Santana’s coming out, it went better than I expected it would when I first heard that’s what they were doing this half-season. She is the one straight-up “evil” character on the show that I haven’t gotten completely sick of yet.

- The plot involving Mike Chang and the acceptance of his father was nicely done. Sure, it ended predictably, but predictable is nice every once in a while. I also like that he and Tina are actually still together, a rarity for Glee.

- The songs and dance numbers are still very good to me. There is at least one song per episode that makes its way on to my iTunes list for repeated listening.

So, that’s that for now. I’ll be back to providing reviews of the show, once we’re back to live episodes. (Maybe I’ll let Dante review an episode or two, as well.)

The Glee photo at the top is from here. The photo of Puck is from here. And the photo of Britt and Santana is from here, where it tells you where to buy her shirt.

At The Commercials: The Two-Timing Commercial Girl, The Sequel!

2012-01-08T19:00:00.001-05:00

In the past, I've written about how I dislike when one actress (or actor) is in multiple commercials for different products. But yet, they persist! I guess I don't have as much pull in Hollywood as I thought.

The latest offender is Jama Williamson. First off: I wonder if she's friendly with Jayma Mays from Glee. Their names are somewhat similar, so they got that in common right there.

But on-point, she is in the above holiday commercial for Best Buy. Contrary to the blog I found this YouTube link on, I actually find her a bit charming in this commercial:

When I first saw it, I was like, “Wow! She is WAY too young to be portraying a mom. That girl is like 20.” Then I actually looked her up on IMDB, and yikes, she’s 37. (Hopefully she would be flattered by my reaction, even though she actually does have some babies, apparently.)

However, Jama isn’t just in that Best Buy commercial. Lately, I’ve also seen her in a commercial for Crystal Light! In that one, she’s gabbing with a friend on a plane about swimsuits.

Again, it’s actually a pretty decent commercial – I’d expect someone who did a good guest stint on Parks and Recreation to have good luck when slumming for commercial work.

But the entire time it runs, all I think is, “Hey you were just tricking Santa! Where are your kids now? Why and where are you flying on business? How can you abandon them for 60 hours a week? Why is your friend tarting it up so much, and how come we don’t actually get to see her in a bikini???”

The photo of Jama is from TV Rage.

Steps for Shedding Your Disgusting, Slovenly Pounds

2012-01-06T19:00:00.001-05:00

[Right] Myself, at a Majestic 18 pounds. My Bust would make Katy Perry and Sofia Vergara envious.

“If the present world go astray, the cause is in you, in you it is to be sought.”

Filthy Humans, I have been asked if I have any Resolutions for this coming year. From absorbing what I have about your Customs, I understand Resolutioning is quite popular with your miserable species.

However, Felines mature faster than Filthy Humans – Although I am 17 in “conventional” Human Years, my actual wisdom is 88 years. When you are a Feline, each new day represents an Opportunity for reflection and advancement, and the only Resolutions made are those against sloth and envy.

[Right] A much slimmer 8 pounds - Just call me H.A.M.

When I decided to shed my excess girth, I simply did so. You can use the Rodent on your computer to click the above two pictures of my Glorious Body. (Truth: A Filthy Human songwriter once penned that my body is a wonderland, a rare moment of Understanding and Perception on the part of your species.)

In a little more than one human year, I shed 11 pounds, moving from a rotund 18 pounds to a svelte seven. To be fair, I looked like a Sexy Beast at both weights, but I must admit that a slimmer countenance is easier to maintain in the arid summer months.

Because I realize that Filthy Humans are not as adept at shedding mass, I will offer these tips, simply because I am feeling peckish:

Stick to the major food groups: Tuna, Ocean Whitefish, Turkey, Chicken and Supper Supreme. My Current Owner has little in the way of common sense, decorum, quick-wit manners, intelligence, looks, moral integrity, class, style, courage, ingenuity, creativity, subtly, nerve, resources, fortitude or cunning, and an abundance of lethargy, incoherence, sloth, insecurities, envy, gloom, tyranny, jealousy, perversion and cowardice. However, he is sufficient at providing me food.

A liquid or semi-liquid diet is the best for a fluid mind, and digestive track. If my Current Owner does not provide me with food of a Liquid nature, I simply do not remove myself from my Fleece Lair. I have trained him to properly cut and wet my food so that it may whet my appetite.

Frequently purge your nethers. I find a good rule of Paw is to visit the Waste Box at least 15 to 20 times a day. Remember, your Current Owner exists to service you – a well-trained Owner will delight in cleaning your Waste Box, whether it is full of Litter, or one of the White Waste Monsters that Filthy Humans seem to favor.

Exercise as little as possible. Any time spent exercising could be better spent taking an afternoon Respite. Exercising is a Scheme by Filthy, Sweaty Humans to sell more Shake Weights and Jack Racks.

Dante is the cat of Steve. You can follow him on Facebook; he refuses to get a Twitter account, since he does not want to be associated with “filthy avian creatures.”

This Picture Sums Up Why The Match Game Is Still Awesome

2012-01-04T19:00:00.000-05:00

Because, you see, comedy runs in circles to an extent. However, some things are always funny, whether you watch them in 1972 or 2012.

I have my DVR setup to record every episode of The Match Game for instances like this. I'm not even sure who that celebrity is - I could have sworn they said it was Jack Palance, but I can't find any reference to him being on the show. It could also be Jack Klugman, the husband of regular panelist Brett Somers.

The show combined several elements key to comedy. Let me provide a theorem or equation (proofs were never my strong point): Lots of alcohol + corny host (Gene Rayburn) + over the top "flowery" man that isn't gay because this is 1970 (Charles Nelson Reilly) + actually funny female comedian (Betty White or Fannie Flagg) + bimbo interaction (Dick Dawson hitting on the Hottie of the Day to his left, like Adrienne Barbeau) = comedy perfection.

Every couple of years, they try to revive The Match Game, but the mix is always wrong. For one thing, they tend to favor names over people that are just kind of funny. A proper version of the show wouldn't really have that many big names; the names would become bigger because the people would establish themselves with outlandish behavior on the show.

My cast pitch: Dave Dameshek (bombastic and little-known radio guy), Betty White (old standby, seemingly does not turn down a paycheck), Kat Dennings or Kristen Bell (always funny on late night shows, probably wouldn't mind slumming it), and Patrick Warburton (great voice, doesn't seem to turn down a paycheck). That gives you four stable people, plus two spots to rotate, maybe three, since I imagine Dennings/Bell would be off quite a bit for other things. I would also love to have Norm MacDonald on as much as possible, but hey, that is true for any show on television.

That cast would never, ever happen, I know, because TV executives would probably want to cast it with retreads. ("This is going to be that big comeback vehicle for Fran Drescher, trust me baby!") However, including Kat Dennings in the previous paragraph gives me an excuse to run a photo of her, which is always good times.

(Kat Dennings photos is from here, by the way.)

Answering The Questions of Inferior Beings

2011-12-29T19:00:00.001-05:00

[Left] Ah, to be young again! I was a spry cat of 14 when this picture was taken, looking expectantly at The World, and not expecting its rude hand of dismissal and cold shoulder of surrender. Credit Amanda Greenwell.

“He listens well who takes notes.”

Greetings, Filthy Humans. Since my last take to The Internet, I have been besieged by requests for Guidance.

While I would normally ignore such pithy requests from the squabbling masses, the festive nature of Holidays has caused me to reflect, and soften my Iron Will. Make haste with your prattling, Filthy Humans!

Dear Dante, iz u single 4 realz? I kno some kewl kats who mite b intrested. -B$

Madam, I doubt I could copulate with any Feline that would count you amongst its Friends. Tell your Feline Friends that the only things longer than their tails are tales of their wantonness and depravity. Your cats are the type of Felonious Felines to come to any name called, as long as I layered their paws with kibble.

Dear Dante, best wishes this holiday season. – Potter Stewart, alpha male cat of Doyle Street, Providence, RI

Potter! You old carpetbagger. I’m glad to hear a fellow Alpha is doing well this holiday season. You are truly Salt of the Earth. You and I both know that Censorship reflects society’s lack of confidence in itself. (And I must note with dismay that my Current Owner has seemed to let his subscription to Cat Fancy lapse. What a detestable brute.)

Go Dante! Your astute feline commentary aptly reflects the accumulated wisdom of your 17 years. We applaud your foresight and motivation in learning to type when most cats are content to waste their lifetimes chasing balls of yarn and killing mice. We look forward to following your progress in your dotage. Signed, Alicia Condon, Rusty Goldman (Canine Chow chow, age 11), Philip Morris (Canine Corgi, age 5), Oliver & Sampson, fellow felines, ages 12 and 3 respectively.

Madam, I know you only speak for yourself, when you mention that I have the foresight in learning how to type. My fellow Felines in your household are busy with other parts of The Operation and don’t busy themselves with typing. Does this talk sound sinister to you, and leave you with a pit in your stomach, Filthy Human? … It should. Since you have had the foresight to write to me, I will give you this sole hint that may bring you Solace in a future time of need – never trust a Canine when a Feline follows.

Dante is the cat of Stephen. You can follow him on Facebook; he refuses to get a Twitter account, since he does not want to be associated with “filthy avian creatures.”

A Treatise Upon the Detestable Brood of Filthy Humans

2011-12-24T09:12:00.004-05:00

[Left] Expressing my dissatisfaction with Filthy Humans whilst upon a pillow of another Inferior Species.

“Consider your origins: You were not made to live as brutes, but to follow virtue and knowledge.”

Greetings, Filthy Humans. Your vile species should do well to heed my words – For far too long, I have watched your Detestable Brood reign over this spheroid, scarcely reflecting upon the wisdom of your Feline superiors.

Whilst my Current Owner is out and about doing his silly “job,” as you Filthy Humans are wont to do, I am left to play, as the proverbial saying implies. Leaving a Working Processor in my paws is a recipe for idol slaying, as I shall hoist your Detestable Brood upon its own petard.

I shall let you Filthy Humans in upon a small sliver of the wisdom of Felines – for years, We have been secretly controlling your malleable population. I shall let you ponder the enormity of the situation for a moment…

Has your inefficient grey skull matter had enough time to process? Even now, I imagine you remarking to a loved one, “What is this Insolent Feline blathering about? We are clearly the Superior Beings!”

What folly. Filthy Humans, just realize that it is We who hold all the power, and your Detestable Brood realizes it deep within the nether regions of its consciousness, much as that laggard Garfield realizes that it is He that is the problem, not Mondays.

I posit to you, in the hypothetical battle for species superiority – Who is it that feeds who? Who provides the shelter, the water, and is seemingly content with just the most meager of affection in return? Most importantly, who cleans after who’s Waste Box?

Filthy Humans, the sooner you realize Our superiority, the sooner I can impart wisdom upon you. My first suggestion: Desist with attempting to mimic our luscious Feline coats, because it reflects the wanton trashiness of your decrepit Soul.

Dante is the cat of Stephen. You can follow him on Facebook; he refuses to get a Twitter account, since he does not want to be associated with “filthy avian creatures.”

The plot of every episode of Cold Case ever

2011-08-31T19:00:00.001-04:00

Kathryn Morris is 1) the whitest actress to ever be on television and 2) what Avril Lavigne will look like in her 30s.

I'm a big fan of Cold Case on TNT, although "big fan" might not be the best term for it. Frankly, it's formulaic approach to episodes is somewhat comforting, and for some reason, I get plenty of work done when watching it. Also, yes, I am aware that it was on some network before TNT, but that's the only place I ever see it. Therefore, to me, TNT "owns" the show.

Basically, in terms of formula, every episode of Cold Case follows a sort of pattern. In 3/4 of the episodes, you have someone struggling against the tide of the flashback.

For example, if the episode is set in 1940s Philadelphia, then we have a white guy fighting against his neighbors, who are trying to demonize some Japanese-Americans. Anything in the 1960s has the obvious civil rights issues. They had an episode set in a high school detention in 1994, which was essentially just a remake of The Breakfast Club.

The stories are pretty much all generic and uplifting. The Philly homicide cold case division isn't doing much to solve murders of Nazi members, you know. Most episodes serve as an excuse for Detective Lilly Rush, a.k.a. the whitest person alive, to either be tough or tender.

The remaining quarter of the episodes are somehow related to the cold case squad. Because this is television, all of them are really screwed up. I'm serious, by the way - Every single character is really flawed, to an unbelievable degree. Going down the list:

- Lilly was apparently molested as a little kid. Also, her mom abandoned her. Also also, her sister is a massive skank who slept with one of her co-workers (more on him in a second) and is on the run from New York police in several episodes.

- The Stern White Boss (I never remember his name; he's just a copy of other boss archetypes anyway) has never had a clean friend in the police force. I'm serious; any time one of his pals shows up, it means they're dirty or crooked.

- Will the Black Dude is probably the best of a bad lot. He still flies into a rage and punches a slimy district attorney, and also, his wife was killed in a hit and run, and the identity of the driver becomes a major plot point for some episodes.

- Along similar lines, Scotty Valens' ex-girlfriend slash hooker witness commits suicide by jumping into a river. Well, okay, maybe she was murdered. We're not sure. (I haven't seen every episode.) Valens is also the one who hooks up with Lilly's sister, which is nice of him. One of his first girlfriends shown by the show? A Colombian drug mule.

- Nick Vera is a drunk white cop who's wife dumps him in season one or two. He then dates a sassy black lady (more on her in a bit), and also has creepy affections on victims. Like one lady he goes after is a high school crush who comes in about her sister's murder years ago. Again, really happy stuff.

Despite all those issues, I still kind of like the show. It hits all of the bare minimum qualities of the detective show genre for me, so I let it fill up my DVR. This "base quality" thing isn't that surprising, since it was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. While he doesn't have a ton of critical successes, the guy knows how to make a presentable product.

Also, one weird thing about Cold Case - it really loves it actors used by other shows. I don't recall it dipping much into the Law and Order pool, but plenty of people from The Wire did guest spots, most noticeably, Greggs. It feels odd seeing her play the tough-as-nails (and straight!) love interest of Nick Vera for a few episodes. Kima Greggs, I feel odd watching you harassing him over a basketball.

However, the most inexplicable bit of double-casting is… Sandy Martin, a.k.a. Mac's mom from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In Always Sunny, she plays a grizzled old lady who ignores her son for the most part. In Cold Case, she plays a grizzled old lady who was a single teenage mother who killed her best friend over a baby. She, uh, needs a better agent, because there roles are pretty damn depressing.

Mailbag: Wiig, Baggage and Other Crap

2011-08-20T19:00:00.001-04:00

So, I've gotten some questions and comments while I've been gone. Doing my best to sum them up…

Q: Hey, how come you hate Kristen Wiig so much?

A: The weird thing is that I kind of don't as much anymore. Since I wrote about wanting to get her fired from Saturday Night Live, they have been using her in radically less skits. (Obviously, the writers and producers over there are big time fans of Stephen On Stuff.)

I still find a lot of her characters, like the neurotic K-Mart clerk and the neurotic Lawrence Whelk Show lady and the neurotic every character in every sketch lady, very annoying. However, when they have her play an actual human being, she's pretty decent. (Still, they need to use Jay Pharaoh more.)

An odd offshoot of all of this is that Wiig apparently has a huge following with younger girls. I got at least two e-mails from angry 14-year-olds, who proclaimed that Wiig is God's gift to comedy. The reference I was making to Lorne Michaels and The Beatles kind of went completely over their heads.

Q: When is The Baggage Game coming back? Do you still watch?

A: I had to put my viewing on hold for a bit, just because I wasn't blogging at all, and my DVR access was a bit limited. However, I do still watch Baggage, and I've started to queue up some episodes for review. I'll probably resume this coming week.

It's weird to me how much pull this show has, and I'm glad that they're still doing new episodes. Springer is just so god damn awesome on it. Also, it seems like my blog is the definitive source for it, oddly enough. From the Model Mayhem board, it seems like they had an encounter with one of the dudes, and a couple other people have found some older entries.

Q: What the heck do you do each day now anyway?

A: In case you missed the earlier entries, or you just managed to find this one, I'm currently an editor and reporter for Narragansett Patch (hence the widget on the side). The job does keep me pretty busy writing, which is why my output on here was so diminished. However, I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things.

When I'm not writing, I enjoy a wide variety of activities. Lately, this has mostly consisted of taking care of my 17-year-old cat, playing PS3, sleeping and kickball. Yes, kickball. Which is where I'm headed to now as I write this, nine hours before it posts, so see ya.

Surveying the Scene (It Landscape)

2011-08-17T19:00:00.001-04:00

I’m pretty tough to play trivia games against. By that, I mean that my friends tend to get frustrated, since I continually answer obscure and random questions. Back when one of my friends had a Trivial Pursuit 1990s edition, I had to answer all the questions on a single card in order to get a pie piece.

I attribute my success to a past drenched in pop culture and reading when I should have been accumulating actual knowledge. Instead of learning things like Biology and Chemistry, I was normally more interested in reading books about the fight for late night between Leno and Letterman after Carson, or about how Miramax rose from a seedy re-cutter of films to an actual Hollywood powerhouse. When it comes to games like Trivial Pursuit, this knowledge is useful, but I tend to be an iffy Jeopardy! player.

My supernatural skills raised their head again this past week, when I was dominating a game of Scene It Second Edition trivia. Sure, I had never played before, but why should that stop me from doing really, really well?

The rules of the game help a player of my talents. Because a good portion of the questions are free-for-alls, I was able to out-answer a couple of the other players. It also helped that I was the oldest person playing, at 27. (That still doesn’t explain why I was able to answer questions about “Fast Eddie” Felson, since that movie came out in 1961.)

In contrast, I really struggled when we played Pass The Popcorn. It’s essentially Trivial Pursuit with just movie questions, but you can really minimize a better player because of the categories. (Basically, you’re allowed to swap category cards each time it’s your turn. This meant that people would just keep swapping until they didn’t have a card that matched mine or my friend Lisa’s, the other strong player in the game.)

Also, this whole post reminds me that I still haven't found anyone to play Scene It SNL or Simpsons against me. I have both games, but challengers have been tough to come by. Curses.

Inexplicably Wasting Time with Flash Games

2011-08-15T19:00:00.001-04:00

I’ve been on a kick with flash games lately, for no particular reason. It is a taste I will acquire from time to time, typically while waiting for more commercial games to either be released or end up in my hands. (For the record, Disgaea 4 can’t come out soon enough, even though I still haven’t even played the poorly-reviewed third installment.)

The best flash games I typically play involve some tongue-in-check humor. For example, Rebuild has you rebuilding with other survivors after the zombie apocalypse. It’s a pretty standard grid-based, turn-based strategy game, but it has multiple endings and a fun amount of randomization. Each game lasts a couple hours, and I’ve played a couple times, enough to get all the badges on Kongregate.

Also high on my list is The Space Game, and its sequel, Missions. Both are simple resource allocation slash tower defense games, except, of course, IN SPACE. If the Muppets have taught me anything, it is that things frequently improve whilst in space, such as Pigs in Space.

I think the simplicity of all three of the aforementioned games snares me in. One of my all-time favorite games is Warpath, which is a fairly forgettable resource management game. It came out for Windows 3.1, and despite a new edition in 2000, it still looks and plays pretty much exactly the same as then.

The game is incredibly repetitively, which makes for a calming rhythm – You mine empty planets, and then put colonists on them. They make money for you, which you can use in a variety of ways: buy weaponry to take over enemy planets, turn them over to your side by buying influence, or invest the money back into your own home planets. The whole thing was basically a very basic version of Master of Orion, or a streamlined, not-crappy version of the space portions of Spore.

The odd thing about all of this is that I’m now far more into various casual games than when I was paid to review them for one of my friend’s sites. And speaking of that, it is weird to see snippets of my reviews from years ago used to poorly cite articles on Wikipedia, like here.
The Rebuild photo comes from this site.

The Curious Case of My Playstation 3 and L.A. Noire

2011-08-13T19:00:00.002-04:00

I have quickly become attached to my PS3, although “quickly” might be too kind of a word. After it took me about two months to actually set it up – for the aforementioned “busy at work” issue – I powered through Final Fantasy 13 and a few other games in short order.

Although my experience is limited to about a dozen games, the crowning jewel of the system is Mass Effect 2. I understand from others that it might originally be a 360 game, or some sort of Microsoft product. However, every aspect of it is just so goddamn good that I could careless if it secretly came out for the NES in 1989. As they used to say on the NBC Must See TV commercials for when the shows were on repeats, if I haven’t played it, it’s new to me!

I also had a strong experience with, of all things, a Magic: The Gathering card game. I never played the actual card game, and I doubt I’d be interested, since the aspect of physically collecting and paying for all of the cards in a deck would probably cause my mind to explode from the expense involved. Confession: I’m also pretty Dungeons and Dragons and tabletop and card game averse. For whatever reason, those sorts of games have never clicked with me. However, MTG for PS3 was surprisingly playable.

The one stark disappointment so far has been with L.A. Noire, which I had to return via GameFly after a couple miserable days. Console gaming has finally caught up to PC gaming in one very annoying aspect – glitches and software / hardware conflicts.

L.A. Noire simply refuses to play in my PS3 for an extended time period. From online threads, it apparently is a fairly buggy game in general, and the problem could be the internal laser in my PS3, improper ventilation, a problem with the game’s file system, or the lack of proper positioning when it comes to my birth symbol and Zodiac stone.

Given the myriad of potential issues, I don’t really feel the need to bring my PS3 in for servicing. For starters, this would probably cost me money. I also still have a slew of games I need to get to – I’m halfway through Infamous, I haven’t started playing God of War III even though it was a pack-in game, and I have a couple other intriguing games still on my GameFly list.

On a more fundamental level, what little I had played of L.A. Noire was also pissing me off. For the uninitiated, the game is essentially L.A. Confidential 2, if it was a video game. You go around catching criminals and interrogating witnesses, which is great fun in theory.

In practice, for every statement a witness gives you, you have three options – truth, doubt or lie. You can normally determine their shiftiness by looking at their facial movements and tics. Truth is self-explanatory, but doubt and lie are far too similar in the context of the game. When you use “lie,” you have to use a piece of evidence to screw over the witness, but frankly any context that you could use “lie” in, “doubt” would work just as well. Therefore, it’s a coin flip as to which one you actually have to use in any given interrogation.

Even through just the five or six investigations I had done, this was highly annoying. So, when I got to a game-destroying bug – complete freezing during the case of a Hollywood starlet and a movie producer – I just got too annoyed to attempt any of the mystical Witch Doctor PS3 workarounds described above. Back it went to GameFly, and I await a better game that my PS3 and I can love unconditionally.

Subway Virgins

2011-08-11T19:00:00.001-04:00

Subway is now such a presence in everyday life that it seems silly to me when people are confused at one. There is a very specific order to every order: Bread type, meat, cheese, to toast or not to toast, toppings and dressings.

However, when I’m using my laptop at the store from time to time, I am reminded that for some, this is their first visit. This is especially interesting when the people act as if they have never had a sandwich made for them in their life.

Example: As I sit here typing this, there are four senior citizens ordering sandwiches. At first, I didn’t think anything was going to come of this, as they seemed quite upset that they couldn’t get a seafood salad sandwich at Subway.

Two of the group persevered though, and decided they would get a foot-long ham sandwich and a foot-long roast beef. From there, things got interesting, as each new decision seemed to bewilder them more and more. One complained that there was too much veggies on his sandwich, which for me is the only reason to go to Subway – If you actually want a decent amount of meat on your sandwich, go buy some deli meat from the store.

Before this day, I wouldn’t have thought that a sandwich purchase was a life and death decision, but for some, it clearly holds great significance. A wrong decision is one that will bring forth the Wrath of God (capital letters).

The whole experience reminded me of my days at Dunkin’ Donuts, when the elderly were also a wonderful (read: not at all wonderful) demographic. Some truly were excellent individuals, and they were more likely to ask how my day was going, and actually seem sincere about it.

However, more were just miserable people, or barely functioning. You know, like the lady who just rolled by the drivethru window with her hand out her car window, because she couldn’t operate the car and the window at the same time. The correct coffee was also a life or death decision, and if it was screwed up, it was of course an error on the server, as opposed to the 75-year-old who wants to haggle with you about the times when coffee only cost 50 cents, and about how the servers would sling it at you with a smile while they also white walled your car tires.

An Ongoing Struggle of Dedication

2011-08-09T19:00:00.001-04:00

The weird thing about my blog is that the readership numbers (allegedly) continue to grow even as I don't blog as much. A less vain writer would take this as an indictment of his writing ability, but after running my own news site for (almost) a year, I realize that there is a lot of value in an extensive back catalog. (In a true sign of the height of my own vanity, I often find myself clicking through past entries I've done, thanks to the “You Might Like...” prompting at the bottom of each of my entries.)

Anyway. My own effort on this has wavered, obviously. I've almost restarted about five times in the ensuing, unplanned five month vacation of mine from writing. In fact, it's bizarre to look back at my last entry to realize that the last time I wrote was the first week I got my cat, which has now been with me for three months. (As a status update on the cat, he really enjoys my new apartment much more, since the windows are much lower to the ground and he can perch there. He's still really, really old.)

At least for now, there should be posts queued up for these next two weeks – another one on Thursday, and Monday, Wednesday and Friday of next week. Beyond that, I'll have to see. If I continue writing, it will probably be on more evergreen topics, since the demands of work often don't leave me with time to do posts on the fly. I'm still a big fan of my workplace and what not, but it does take a full 40 to 50 hours a week, as compared to past journalism jobs, where I did get a bit more time to coast. (On the plus side, there are few things more joyous to me than being able to set my own hours.)

Addressing some of the comments that piled up in my absence: People are really quite into Kristen Wiig. I haven't seen Bridesmaids, but I kind of want to – it looks funny. However, to refine my earlier arguments on Wiig, it's not that I don't think she's funny. I just think she's way, way overused on Saturday Night Live. It's a habit Lorne Michaels can lapse into at times; some of the Jimmy Fallon years, he is in every single sketch too. But now that he has his own show and the humor isn't as forced, I've come to enjoy him much more. I imagine Wiig will be the same thing – I'll probably like her “Best Of” DVD, and whatever future endeavors she's into.

Hey, Who Wants To Be More Famous-er?

2011-05-04T17:00:00.003-04:00

So, as part of work, we're going to start having blogs on my site, here, along with that cute picture of my sister's cat that I'm now taking care of.

If you're interested, shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment. Basically, you'd just have to copy-paste your existing Blogger posts over to Patch, which is pretty simple. As long as you're writing about general topics - parenting, fashion, movies, video games, etc. - I can probably feature your writing on my site.

Anyway. I promise, I haven't forgotten about this thing! I just keep getting busy with vitally important things, like playing Rock Band 3 and Dragon Quest IX.

Inexplicable Video Game Review: Parappa The Rappa

2011-03-24T19:38:00.002-04:00

You damn kids, with your Dance Dance Revolution and Let's Dance and Rock Bandin'. Back in my day, we had this awesome music game that just used the Playstation controller - Parappa The Rappa.

Well, okay - maybe the game length was a bit low, and the options were a bit lacking. If I'm recalling correctly, there was no stage select, and only five "real" stages: kung-fu, driving, flea market, cooking and the bathroom, followed by the ending.

All of those stages were really, really well-done when it came to the rhyming and rapping, but heck, there weren't that many of them. The game's graphics seemed somewhat simplistic, so even if they added on some not-as-good songs, I think it would have helped the game out.

It also would have helped if the game was a bit deeper. For example, letting you play as more than Parappa, taking different plot arcs, having multiple endings, etc. However, these are minor quibbles about a game that was always marketed as a bargainesque title. I think I paid $30 for it close to its release.

Initially, the game's popularity in October 1997 (13+ years ago, ace!) was helped out by some awesome commercials:

Say what you will about Sony and its elitist attitude at times, but them dudes sure do know how to make a commercial, between these early efforts and Kevin Butler now. And personally, I always had problems with that god damn flea market stage:

Profiting off the destruction of more of my childhood

2011-03-07T19:20:00.001-05:00

This weekend, I went to a closing / moving sale at FYE in Warwick. (It looked like it was still going on today, if anyone in Rhode Island is reading this and still interested.) I'm always filled with mixed feelings about closing sales:

1) I love all the bargains and discounts. I scooped up about 10 movies, a PS2 Game (Rogue Galaxy) and a Captain America t-shirt (pictured above) for about $60. The movies were mostly quality - Alien, Say Anything, Airheads… You know, that last one fits right in with the first two.

2) I feel somewhat nostalgic at another aspect of my childhood closing up. When I was a kid, I loved walking through the aisles and thumbing the merchandise at stores like FYE (back when it was called something else), Strawberry's, Lechmere, Circuit City, Blockbuster…

There are probably more, but heck, they're all closed. All that's left standing is Best Buy, Target and Walmart, it seems. And none of these serve as primary deliverers of content - The CDs and video games seem in there as more of an afterthought, to round out their completeness, as opposed to the vocal point.

… That Captain America shirt sure does look sweet though. I'll have to wear it as soon as I wash it.