Stepmom Wannabe

The WTF Moment from Shrink4Men

2012-02-09T16:39:00.000-08:00

I've found a number of great articles on Shrink4Men.com. As a stepmom and second wife, I've witnessed the aftermath of an abusive marriage. I also see the manipulative emotional abuse of my stepchildren, and daily feel the wrath of a hateful person that was once married to my husband and is angry that he managed to get out of an eternal hell where he was the sacrifice but where she maintained complete control. I strongly encourage men in abusive marriages, dealing with divorce, or dealing with the aftermath of divorce, to read articles on the Shrink4Men site. And stepmoms, you'll enjoy it too as you'll understand your husband a little more, what he went through, and why he may act so weird each time you have an argument. We definitely picked up a LOT of baggage.

http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/02/09/relationship-stages-abusive-women-and-the-wtf-moment-part-two/Shrink4Men: Relationship Stages, Abusive Women, and the WTF Moment

"Bad" (aka Biased) Teacher(s): A Memo to Elementary School Teachers of Students with Divorced Parents (That would be all of you)

2012-02-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

Oh boy...It's been a while. I have had PLENTY of posts I wanted to write, but without the time to write them properly!

The #1 post I wanted to write:

Teachers. Elementary School Teachers.

Wake up. 21st Century. 2000's. Here we are.

This is your FYI Memo:

If you are contacted by the father of one of your students, it's because that father cares about their child. It's because they're involved. It's because they WANT to know what's going on. You can stop reading if you're a teacher and you totally and completely accept these truths already. If you are skeptical, keep reading.

Just because the parents are divorced, doesn't mean that the father of your student has been beating anyone, not paying child support, ignoring the kids...Whatever. It doesn't mean any of that, no matter what your cultural bias, social perceptions, or previous experience with your own father was like.

Don't treat fathers that don't have as much custody as the mother as a deadbeat, jerk, uninvolved, unloving father. Don't-You-Dare.

Treat him like any other father of your students. Treat him like he's there. Answer his questions. Write back to emails begging for information. Make that separate parent teacher conference because he's actually afraid of what his ex-wife will do or say, and he wants to have a good, solid one-on-one with the teacher without all that extra stress that caused the divorce in the first place. And please drop that "well you should be able to get along if it's for your child" line. No, as a matter of fact, some divorces happen due to abuse (emotional, verbal, and physical abuse...Women are equal aggressors, and female violence is under-reported), extreme anger, and truly extreme differences in opinion and personalities. Putting the parents together can lead to a pretty bad situation for the child, the parents, AND you. If a parent requests a separate parent teacher conference, there's a good reason for it. Just say OK and deal with the extra appointment knowing that at least that parent cares enough to come meet with you anyways. As a matter of fact, since you're not a professional mediator or counselor, you should be grateful if divorced parents ask for separate meetings. It means they're nice enough to save you some undue stress.

You do not know why the father doesn't have as much custody as the mother. You do not know what happened, and you actually cannot trust what the mother has told you because as everyone knows, people are bitter and always blame the other party. What everyone also knows is that father's lose out on custody early on, such as an incorrect (disproved by research) continued belief that younger children can't be without their mothers. Fathers are documented by therapists and mediators as giving up easily in the battles in order to avoid more pain and suffering. Fathers are often the employed party, while mothers are usually the ones that don't work or take part time jobs, which is why you would see them at school more. NOT because "he's so horrible" or whatever you've been fed from the mother (who just happens to have your ear more often) that shouldn't concern you unless the child is in physical danger. You should be an impartial party that is only concerned with the child's education and safety. Allow the parents to have their crap, and don't make it your own. Let the child have a space where both parents are respected and honored, or where all of that home stuff is lost at school. You should have your own personal dramas to deal with instead, right? Maybe some daddy issues of your own, so that you don't put those biases on your student's lives?

Be happy that the father volunteered his time. Don't look at him with suspicion and ask him if he "has any skills." Does the woman who makes photocopies on Friday morning have "photocopy skills"? Is THAT what you're asking? Did she have to attest to woodworking skills in order to get that position? What requirements are there exactly for 1st grade craft time? Would you like resumes next time? Do management skills at his professional job just not relate to child-rearing, and his offer to volunteer with class duties aren't applicable? (Boy, with that logic...any man without whatever those "skills" are must be crap fathers at home...Where do you learn playtime and craft skills, again? Is there a certificate program for fathers?)

If the father asks to see copies of work or test packets or whatever else they ask for, try to make it work. If you're overworked, that's fine. Just put the onus on the child by creating a little list or reminder for them that they need to take photocopies or packets of work to their father on ____ days. If you do have time and a father has been asking for more information and letting you know that NONE of the work or school/class announcements are coming over to his house ever and he just would like to know what's going on, give him a little update by email or phone every now and then. Why not? Ok, so if you don't have time and you love to bitch about how you are super underpaid and overworked and if only California would have more taxes dedicated to K-12 education despite the failing system that puts us at the near bottom of the barrel in our nation (and all of the developed countries, for that matter), then at least treat him with respect when he asks questions or asks to be involved.

That's the minimum you can do. Treat him like any other student's father.

(Side-note: Can you believe that this rant is based off of the observations of only one father's experiences, from only one school, and only two children? Not the compilation of multiple experiences and stories?!? You know what that means? That means this stuff happens to a whole lot of fathers out there, regularly. And most of these experiences were pre-mom-versioning exposure, showing that the bias is ingrained and automatic. Do me and a whole lot of divorced fathers just trying to be involved and informed a favor and PASS ON THIS "Memo".)

Being the Bad Guy

2011-11-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I should be the bad guy.

Warning: I'm about to criticize a very well-known standard of stepmom-to-stepmom advice. All of the stepmom books and sites tell us to not be the "bad guy." That when we try too hard, we're the bad guy. When we are involved, we can end up being the bad guy. That when we let every one (in our home) know that abusing us, your house, or their dad is wrong, that we're the bad guy. Telling a child to mind their manners or clean their plate or their room makes you the bad guy. So the direction from the books and the sites is: back off. Stay away. Get out of it. And that will help you to stop being the bad guy.

There is plenty of credence to that advice. I do understand and agree with most of it. I do try to be less of the bad guy and take myself out of situations as much as I can, or I should say more honestly that "I'm working on it." It is best that you leave the parenting to your husband. It is better if you are able to "detach" and back off or out and do your own thing. It is supposedly better for everyone if you stop being the bad guy. And most of all, this will help you reduce the amount of resentment that characterizes your life as a stepmom.

The expectation is, as I've read in article after article, that when you back off, suddenly everything will fall into place and your husband will parent and handle it all, and the world will be better. I'm being facetious, but that generally is the message from every article and chapters of books on this topic. The literal expectation is that your husband will pick it up and you will find yourself happier. The truth is, for some and not all, that we are unable to back off completely, or even mostly. We are not of the personality type to allow children to completely destroy our home- Oh and by the way, here's the other big element of criticism: We're alone with the children, caring for them, often. Sometimes BY COURT ORDER. Not because our husband made us do it or he's a slacker, but because he has always worked at that time or is in the military or has always traveled. And despite the court mediator knowing each parents' schedule (well, sort of- they apparently don't read or recall much of it, and especially don't make sound recommendations based off of it), a stepparent OFTEN ends up caring for the kids MORE than the actual parents. Which...would mean that backing off, out, and taking up more friendships out of the home may mean child neglect. Or that you, the actual primary caretaker, are not parenting a child who desperately needs it. Sometimes the advice from the stepmom article is something like "let your husband know that you would prefer to not take care of the children as much...." Mkay. So, since he's working when you take care of them, that would mean giving custody back to their mother, who lost that custody for a reason, or would increase child support to her, or would just continue to use it in the mental manipulation warfare.... Well, frankly, it is Not an option for most of us.

We're here. We sacrificed a normal family life for this. And we need to suck it up. Oh, and it does suck. Oh, and we do have the right to parent in our own home, despite the biomom's claims. And, overtime, your skids will learn that their attitudes and behavior won't be tolerated in your home- and they WILL benefit from it. They may hate you right now, but they will benefit from you being the only person in their lives telling them to stop burping (or farting...) incessantly or giving them appropriate medications (..."ewww grape flavoorrrrrrr")...and everything else. You ARE important, and your work DOES matter.

I greatly appreciate the shift in the "detachment" advice, though it is pretty confusing that detachment articles for stepmoms swung from the extreme of completely backing out of the marriage and family when the children are over to simply letting the children know that you expect the most minimal of acknowledgement in return for your "services." I think the latter option isn't actually detachment and is really a pretty common parenting strategy. (See the book "Have a New Kid by Friday" for a modern example.) The former is actually meant for the most desperate of cases, where you have no support from your husband and your stepchild is abusing you intentionally- or your depression over the situation has gotten so bad that you have no other choice but to compartment your home, your brain, and your feelings.

"Detachment" aside, we all have to gain astronomical amounts of maturity when we step into the stepmom shoes, and that can take years. The best of us somehow manage to gain that early on or already have it, but the rest of us face amazingly insane situations and have to deal with it alone. And as the years go, you will develop this maturity and better sense of understanding, especially as the heat from the "other mother", the other household, or your in-laws dies down. But for now...

Sometimes I just have to be the bad guy. I'm going to be "the bad guy." I'm going to be the one that holds my skids to a slightly higher standard. Sometimes I'll try to act like what they just did or what they just said doesn't matter and swallow my tongue. Other times, I will be upset that they treat their very own father like dirt.

And that is precisely where I realized that I choose to be that Bad Guy sometimes. I am perfectly fine with [continuing to] sacrifice [what once was] my fun self, or image, or a "just around" stepmom persona in order to be the bad guy on the behalf of my husband. And this, actually, is by choice. The stepmom advice that tells you to back out in order to stop being the bad guy and to avoid resentment, maybe isn't referring to (or recognizing) situations of an obnoxious number of years of parental alienation against your best friend. Pretty much, that right there is the factor that is missing from so many stepmom advice articles and books- a complete oversight of what so many of us see happening to our husbands, the love of our lives, our soulmate, our partner, and our best friend.

My husband is my absolute best friend in the entire universe. I will be the "bad guy" for him on occasion, which sometimes is more than occasional. I would much prefer to be the bad guy, rather than him, in a number of situations. And when I don't want to be the bad guy? I won't be. I'll let him know I'm not taking this one. But, I have the choice. Sometimes I just plain want him to be the good guy.

Disturbing

2011-11-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

Entering the stepmom world also means you often are exposed to the worst manipulation of children you ever thought possible. That's right- I know it's hard to believe, which is why the family court system is so woefully ignorant. How could it be possible that a mother (or father sometimes) would so horribly manipulate a child, a mere child, against another parent?!? Well us stepmoms know how bad it is, how disgusting it is, and, truly, how it well it works.

The most disturbing of all is possibly this one: Convincing the kids that everything the dad (or other parent, but manipulation/parental alienation is predominantly against men, aka Dads) says is "ridiculous" or "overprotective" or "a guilt trip". Belittling everything their father tries to teach them, direct them in, and put rules on. Mocking anything that the father says is important. Mocking the father's standards or requests that the child do a little more, try a little more, or be the best they can be. And turning all of their father's wishes for them into something negative, a weapon against him, and making the kids believe that every positive attempt he makes to help them is in some way "bad" or "mean."

This very easily turns into kids believing that any time Dad is upset at them for something they did wrong, HE is wrong. Children are easily empowered by this backwards logic, because of course they don't want to be in trouble! None of us ever do! As adults, we're constantly trying to justify our wrong actions towards others as "he deserved it" or "I had to" or "if you just knew how I was feeling at the time"...something like that. But manipulative divorced parents are the best at teaching kids to blame the other parent for everything unfair in their lives, but especially to be mad AT THE DAD for something THEY did terribly wrong.

So a kid lies, significantly, about something that happened at school, with friends, in the home, what they did to their sibling, their homework- you name it. The kid injures their sibling. Destroys a family event. Laughs about it. Sees no wrong in the behavior. It's serious. It's a problem. They hurt someone else. They really screwed up. As any normal parent would see, it's time to sit the kid down, talk to them about what happened, what choice they made, and that there will be some sort of repercussion, like no dessert or movie all the way to going to bed early and other restrictions. But given the manipulation from their Mom, that Dad is always wrong, the kid instead just simply Gets Mad At Dad. They don't feel remorse. They don't say Sorry (in fact usually, it is that they refuse to say sorry). They are just absolutely pissed that dad caught them and is saying it was wrong or dangerous behavior. They are even more mad that dad is actually upset at them and has a repercussion. HOW DARE HE! The logic literally is that the kid did something normally accepted as wrong, hurtful, harmful, destructive, etc., but that the dad has no right, while the child is in HIS custody, to handle it or even be remotely upset by it.

We've been dealing with this for years. They were taught that their dad is not a legitimate parent (he was before the divorce, so why is he not now?) and that he really "shouldn't have" any say in their lives, especially when they're doing something fundamentally WRONG. Despite shared custody and joint legal custody. Despite him constantly making a DAILY effort to be in their lives. Despite all he does for them.

It's shocking to watch, shocking to experience, and shocking to see happen over and over for years. Child or teen lies or does something seriously wrong, Parent points it out and says they're disappointed, Child says "stop guilt tripping me"....? WHAT? (Yeah, we went over what a guilt trip is recently, as a parent finding out that something severely major was kept from him and him getting upset the moment he finds out is NOT a "guilt trip.")

Each year, we're introduced to new words for what their mom is characterizing their dad's parenting as. One year, it was "overprotective". This year, it's "guilt tripping". Another year, it was "strict". Another year was "lecturing." Always a negative and unnecessary word for regular parenting. "Stop beating and hurting your sister" is "strict"? Extremely simple, the bare minimum of safety expectations, turns into "overprotective." (I had to explain to my stepkids that Protective is what ALL parents are. OVERprotective is common, but not simply NORMAL protective parenting instincts. And you know what? Overprotective is generally pretty acceptable parent behavior, too!) "Wear a helmet" is normal. "Call me" is normal. "Tell me where you're going" is NORMAL. "Don't harm someone else"...Normal. "Don't beat your sister up"...NORMAL. "Put away your clothes before you see a friend".....All of this stuff is NORMAL.

But in a manipulative, parental alienation environment, kids are convinced that anything the dad's wishes, requests, and normal parenting are restrictive, excessive, punitive, "horrible", or in our case, "Ridiculous", and overall, hurtful to them. They turn everything into anger against him, forgetting whatever normal things happen with their other parent. That that parent, usually the mom, also punishes them. Also tells them what she does and does not want them to do. Also gets severely, excessively, abusively angry with them... But all of that is considered normal when the kids are significantly manipulated. They focus anger on one, blaming even things that cannot be blamed on the dad on him. Blaming Mom's behavior on Dad. Blaming the divorce on only one parent, rather than two, and then deciding to side with mom in punishing that one parent, despite it being a mutual divorce and the children being well aware that both parents were fighting and neither one wants to be with the other.

I remember how horrible it was when one of my stepdaughters was doing badly in school. My husband and I were constantly encouraging her to do well, to try. To stop hiding that she had more work to do and give up when she felt like just not finishing. When we told her she could do it, that she was capable, she would cry. We were beyond confused because we were saying positive, encouraging things. I come from a family of educators, I have worked with children of many age levels for years, and my husband is probably the most gentle, loving, and strong dad I've ever known. She would come back from her moms and say things that weren't from her own mouth, given her age, claiming that his request for her to work a little harder in school and not give up was "expecting too much" and that his "standards were too high" and that she "didn't know how to please him." It was beyond frustrating. Day after day, week after week, we tried to explain that she was capable and able. That she wasn't just average (as she'd been told repeatedly), but that she CAN try to succeed in schoolwork by turning in assignments and not giving up too easily. But she was just plain convinced that the bare minimum was all that was needed and that her grades reflected that she was just average. She then did her work accordingly, with that low bar constantly being told to her. How can anyone convince their child that they are just average? I thought parents usually have an astronomically unrealistic perspective of their children's intelligence. But what do I know, right? I'm just a stepmom... Maybe it's more common than I thought.

The past two weeks have been significantly tumultuous in our stepfamily. Things were OK, but you never know when everything will get flipped over and suddenly the truth comes to light. When we think that the manipulation and war against us, and their father being a father, has subsided...When we think there is progress and the semblance of normal relationships and a family, that's about usually when we find out we were wrong. My husband and I are thrown back into the swirling, sinking waters trying to figure out what just happened. We're struggling to tell the kids we care, we've cared all along, and we want what's best for them- NOT just want they WANT. We try to help them, lead them, guide them, inform them. We want them to excel, exceed beyond, strive, succeed. We want them to have character, be leaders, and never stop growing.

Family court doesn't look for that. They ask the kids, who are too young to determine their fate, where they want to live. If they could, they'd choose Toys R Us. Instead, they choose the house with the most leniency, the parent that caters to immature desires, and the place where they can get away with the most. And to maintain that, maybe speaking from the lack of self-esteem the parent has as a parent, the manipulative parent has a very easy job of making the parent who tries, just to simply be in their lives and continue to be a father to them, the enemy.

You Have the Right to Change Your Mind

2011-11-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

Being a stepmom is a fluid process. From my own experience and from what I've read from others, the role changes and shifts as the kids grow and circumstances change. The kids are often different year to year and then stage by life stage.

You, my dear, are also able to change.

This may be something you haven't accepted yet or realized. Pre-marriage, you have an idea of what kind of a stepmom you may be. Some of us had no clue, but we knew generally how we were with the kids and thought it would continue that way. Ha....oh...how painfully wrong. You felt a sting just reading that, didn't you? Then in the first year of marriage, there's a lot of adjusting and reconsidering and maybe repressing...Then the second year is different, the third, and so on. Each year changes as they change, as everyone readjusts, as the kids' lives change, and especially if there are court visits.

One hard thing to accept is that you also are allowed to change your mind. I don't just mean about the marriage- I mean about you, and how you feel. About you, and how you react. About you, and what you want.

Once upon a time, you maybe wanted to see your stepkids more. You told your husband that and you worked towards that. Now they're teens, you're burnt out and resentful about their mom, but you're afraid to tell your husband that, frankly, you have changed your mind. Maybe...it is time to take a break. Maybe you would like them to try out more time at the other house... Maybe, you would actually like to take a weekend off.

I worked too hard. We never had full custody, but I worked too hard for my stepkids. I worked to please them, to please everybody, to be the best I could be. I wanted to, though. I really did, and I was OK with it for a while. At some point, I changed my mind. And it made me feel guilty and angry and all that, like we are known to do as we find out that we either don't have any support or that our stepkids are treating us like crap anyways. You think "but I thought I could do this..." and you start to blame yourself for not being able to keep up or not wanting to be as much of a worker bee (or whatever it was for you).

Forget it. Realize that you have the right to change your mind. You have the right to say, "Hey, I know I used to clean their rooms, but I'm over it. I'm tired of it. I don't want to anymore." Or, "I know that I cook usually and that I like cooking, but can you take them out for dinner sometimes?" Or, whatever it may be, small to large. Feeling guilty about your change of heart or repressing your growing frustrations are just going to hurt you and your marriage. Time to move on.

Ooo, that reminds me of a song. Look up and download Sister Hazel- Change Your Mind. Good song. Think of it as a theme song to this blog post.

Stepmonster

2011-11-03T16:53:00.000-07:00

If you are a stepmom or going to be a stepmom or sort-of-are-already a stepmom, you need to buy Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin pronto. Get your highlighters out. Be prepared to amass a wealth of knowledge.

Here's Wednesday Martin's site: http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/

Here's a link to the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-Think/dp/0618758194/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320364114&sr=8-1

This book is the textbook for Stepmoms. Wednesday is a professor who researched all the topics pertinent to the history and cultural context of the stepmother. She covers every topic from research studies, her own research, and historical perspectives. I'm ashamed that I didn't read it sooner. I put it off because I was tired of all the other Stepmom books, but really this is the one you need to start with. The rest are opinion pieces compared to this.

A Stepmom Laugh

2011-10-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to disturb my stepdaughters back.

I say, "Someday, when you're a stepmom..."

Oh the looks I get in return...So classic. The memories of their faces bring me joy.

What's amusing about it is that currently, 50% of marriages are remarriages with children already present. So currently, their chances of being a stepmom one day is already a fair percentage. Let's go with 25% as a guesstimate. Now considering the continued trends in America, that number is likely to go up. So their chances of being a stepmother one day will probably actually increase over time.

Oo, I can't wait. I hope they have stepdaughters one day.

Some things are just too low to fathom

2011-10-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't slept in days. Sometimes "bigger" events come up with your stepfamily, specifically the stepchildren, that severely impact your normal, every day functioning. Sleep is difficult, as you can't get to sleep, stay asleep, and wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning. Sounds like a regular parent with a teenager out on the town, but its also a common stepmom experience. Its once again primarily because you can't handle things with your husband when they happen, but have to dwell on what you learned or experienced during the gaps in visits.

Amazingly enough, and even though we have regular, nearly everyday interaction with my stepchildren, no one told us that one of the kids was in a car accident a week ago...or whenever it was because they still won't tell us that either. Yes, we've been seeing them nearly everyday, and yet neither kid told us "oh, she was in an accident." Pretty typical, normal thing to tell your parent when you're a kid... Something you'd usually want to hide when you're a teenager and you or your buddy caused said accident, but not when you're just a kid. That's a pretty major event when you're a kid, and you were in the front seat when the accident happened. Even if you weren't in the front seat witnessing it all, its still a major event that maybe scares you a little or maybe you'd brag about to your friends.

We're pretty disturbed. The few people that are connected to our family and the kids that we told all said the same thing, using the same word: "sick." Yeah, that's how I feel about it, too. Accidents will happen. Pretty damn happy I wasn't the first one to get in an accident with the kids in the car, but we also know for certain that if the tables were turned, their mom would be trying to kill me if I got in an accident with them and then we didn't tell them. There would be nasty emails telling my husband that I should no longer be able to drive the kids. There would be all kinds of fuss, nastiness, and the kids would suddenly be afraid to drive with me, I guarantee it.

Instead, apparently your kid getting in an accident isn't something that needs to be reported to their involved and present father. Just like doctor visits, serious illnesses, overnight stays and trips out of state- all considered normal communication standards for co-parents, and they are usually required communication points in custody agreements. The courts assume that you will communicate with the other parent about parenting (hahaha!), but especially about serious life events or things that could impact their health. But, as many of us know, many parents do not communicate such normal things to the other parent in joint custody agreements. For whatever reason, its deemed information that the other parent, despite being a parent, just doesn't need to know.

The best is when its overtly clear that the other parent has also indirectly or directly convinced the kids that they should not tell the other parent of such events. They can do this by simply stating over and over again that it is not a big deal and "nobody" needs to know. They can instill unnecessary fear in the children's minds by alluding to how much their other parent will be upset if they tell them. And, any number of things. Yeah, sometimes kids are afraid to tell their parents things because they're afraid of getting in trouble, but many alienated, secondary parents can tell the difference between their kids being kids and their kids being manipulated to hide things or lie about serious events.

I wish that the courts, when both parents are equally fit but one parent retained primary custody due to bias or scheduling or whatever, would switch the primary custody just once, maybe for a year. Let them experience what its like to be cut out, not know what's going on in school, not see schoolwork, not take them to games or events, not throw the party, not know about doctor appointments, and, apparently, not know about car accidents.

Your Choice

2011-10-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

If you've been a stepmom for at least one to two years, you know that you're damned if you do, damned if you don't from multiple angles. I propose that we change our way of thinking and decide which ways we wanted to be damned and by which parties.

Take for example the classic vegetable conundrum. No kid wants to eat vegetables (for the most part, as there are apparently wondrous exceptions to the rule), so being a stepmom who feeds vegetables to her stepchildren is a classic set-up for every evil stepmother. It makes it just so easy to perpetuate the evil stepmom myth. Here's how it goes:

If you personally believe in health, healthy eating, and feeding yourself, your husband and others that come to your house healthy options, even including your pets, then you may be so inclined to feed your stepchildren vegetables. (Heck, maybe you don't believe in health but you want to eat them occasionally or offer them to others as an option.) You may personally believe, as you were raised maybe, that vegetables are a part of a meal, sandwich, or what have you. And you may also personally believe that vegetables are something important for growing children to eat. Plus, you bought it and cooked it.

So, you naturally attempt to feed vegetables to your family, which sometimes includes your stepchildren. You may experience their complaints, faces, or attempts to throw out the vegetables (and often other food you made), so after a while you get increasingly irked. Then, you (and hopefully your husband) establish eating rules like "eat all vegetables or no dessert" or "3 bites and you can be done."

Rules like this, no matter how normal in the mom's house or from every other parent ever, make you evil. Forcing your stepchildren to eat the vegetables you bought and prepared for them just plain makes them hate you. It's just one more thing on their sh*t list for you, plain and simple, no matter what personal health-related intentions you had or concept of "normal" family meals you assumed was standard.

Screw it. They're not really your kids, right? So cut out the vegetables. Tell their dad to get them fast food, and you two will eat "the adult meal" together (if hubby doesn't get too tempted by the drive-thru menu). The benefits of this are no more fights over vegetables, no more feelings of inferiority you get from your stepkids' indignation with your cooking, and your freedom in the kitchen to make whatever you please.

Sounds great, right? Good solution for all?

Wrong. Next time in court, guess what their mom is adding to her lawyer laundry list of why the kids shouldn't be with their dad and stepmom? You guessed it! You don't feed them vegetables. You make them eat fast food. You don't allow them to eat healthy....Mhhmm. If you think this is a joke, ask any stepmom that cares for their stepkids regularly with an alternating home schedule. There may be a different version of it, like school lunches, but its one in the same. (You make them good lunches, then the kids will throw them away, complain, or even be told to throw them away. If you give them lunch money instead, the complaint is that you don't "know how to" make them lunches and can't provide for them. Yep, very true.)

So, what I propose, is that we see this as an option, or opportunity even, to choose who we piss off. Choose your punishment, if you will. Is it easier for you to deal with your stepkids acting like your green peas are somehow worse than usual and table rules, or is it easier to deal with the other-mother's criticisms? Is it a source of pride for you that you do in fact cook the children healthy meals, or does it just make you resentful that you do all of this work for them? Pick your poison, the option that will make you less unhappy.

For me, I like to cook and it is something I'm proud of. I've decided it's more important to me, personally, that I encourage my stepkids to eat well. If they don't like it, too bad. I know that I'm doing right by them and my family. My husband also would prefer that we eat normal meals as a family, as sometimes fast food and diner restaurants just can't allow for some family interactions. But nevermind him for a moment- I personally want to feed them vegetables, even if they were to hate me for it. I had the thought earlier today that it would be fun to not feed them anything healthy and see my stepkids love me for it. I imagined them being so happy because at every dinnertime I suddenly changed to "Ha! Forget the broccoli! You don't need vegetables here! Just eat more ice cream!" Oh, the wonderful glee everyone would have...I imagined a party reminiscent of Bill Cosby's classic routine. Can you imagine "S'mom is great! She feeds us chocolate cake!" with a conga line, every dinner and lunch?

Then I woke up, remembered what's been written about us in court papers, and remembered that I'm a pretty big advocate of healthy eating. Also, my personal belief about love isn't giving someone, especially children, what they want, but doing right by them. Therefore, it is my choice to deal with the continual reminders for them to eat their vegetables. It also just pisses me off too much that their mom ever had the nerve to claim that we (which is really I) just feed them fast food, which wasn't true. (What's most likely is that she either just made it up or the kids only ever reported back on fast food, which young kids, as they were at that time, would have only recalled the fun trip for some McNuggets versus baked chicken.)

BUT if the veggie war with my stepkids was horrible and I didn't have support from my husband, I'd say screw it and start the conga line. Plus, I know many stepmoms out there couldn't care less about what the kids' mom says or reports, while many of us do. So, it is just up to you. Which bothers you more? What's worse? What can you turn into a "choice" for you, which could give you at least a small sense of personal control in this crazy situation?

One easier area to start with might be your in-laws. I know many of us have in-laws that are very critical of what you're doing as a stepmother. Make some "choices" as to what you will allow them to be unhappy about and criticize you about, versus how you want to run your home or be a part of your family. Maybe choose to give them a few things, whatever those items of complaint (or now "negotiation") may be, but decide that they can gossip about the rest because you frankly don't want to change. One of my friends has decided that she just has to move forward with how she feels she must raise (and help) her stepson, despite the amount of vitriol coming from her in-laws who blame her for his behavior. She's decided it is just much more important to help him, which in turn will help her family unit and maybe bring more peace to her home, than to succumb to her in-laws' claims that she is the problem and should stay out.

We all have more "choice" than we think. Exercise it, and feel (at least a tiny bit) empowered.

Something to Think About

2011-10-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

For the angry divorced moms out there, have you considered this:

How are you going to act at your child's wedding? Are you going to keep up with the shenanigans of bitterness and winning the war of control through the wedding? Or will you settle down by then and realize that their dad and stepmom and respective extended families are a part of your child's love, life, and family?

How about high school graduation and college graduation? Are those dates your deadlines for settling down the hate fest?

Will you insist your new husband, not the child's dad, walk your daughter down the aisle? Will the children's father's family be cut out of big events, births, and whatever else may come in their adult life? Will you be able to keep your grandchildren away from "the other side?"

Or...will you be willing to put the gloves down at some point and accept that the children were born to the both of you?

Who Not to Please

2011-10-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

There's a hilarious blog-writer named Jon Acuff. He's a witty, funny, down-to-earth normal-Christian-guy that was simply writing musings about his observations about Christians on the blog StuffChristiansLike. He was simply working in a cubicle, living the life of a regular dad and husband, and now his blog has launched him into the writer/speaker world. He got a lot of hate mail, because he also pointed out silly habits (that made me laugh..."It's funny because it's true...") and obvious, though less discussed, hypocrisies that Christians should be aware of. Now he has a full website, goes on speaking tours, puts out books, and all that. All in a short time-frame, and because of his blog!

Although I don't ever have an opportunity to mention his blogging in my blog, as it would be totally out of context, I thought that this posting was relevant:

Make Sure You Disappoint the Right People by Jon Acuff

As stepmoms, we do try too hard. We try to please everyone, and then we crash and burn and try to please no one. I'm still in that pattern, probably on a weekly basis. I think we could use his advice in that posting to pick and choose who we decide we can disappoint, and who to disappoint less. For some of us, that may be ourselves. There are periods of a stepmom's life where we put ourselves dead last. Other times, we disappoint our husbands or the kids without realizing, while we choose friends, work, alcohol, and other things to keep us busy and avoid our homes.

Violence Against....Men?

2011-09-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

I'm lifting some fantastically eye-opening stats that you can use when stuck in court, defending your husband (who maybe denied abuse before realizing), or simply trying to explain logic to your girlfriends or female family members. The below was gathered in a National Coalition For Men article regarding Joe Biden's uneducated, unsupported comments regarding the Violence Against Women Act. The article is more of a commentary blog post, so I recommend these nice pieces of golden info instead (emphasis added):

"2009 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Survey, 10% of teenage boys were victimized by dating violence compared to 9% of teenage girls (http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/pdf/ss/ss5905.pdf – Table 12).

As reported in a respected journal a national survey of young adults ages 18-25 and on-way violence, females initiated the violence in over 70% of the cases. (Whitaker DJ et al. American Journal of Public Health, Vol. 97, No. 5, 2007)

According to the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services and the U.S. Department of Justice, single mothers are twice more likely to commit child abuse and child murder than are fathers.

University of New Hampshire conducted a 34 nation study and found women are as violent and controlling as men in dating relationships worldwide. www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2006/may/em_060519male.cfm?type=n
http://pubpages.unh.edu/~mas2/ID41E2.pdf

About 300 studies now confirm “women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners,” as California State University Professor Martin Fiebert shows in his online bibliography www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm

The Centers for Disease Control recently funded a major study of heterosexual relationships throughout the U.S. and found: “Almost 24% of all relationships had some violence, and half (49.7%) of those were reciprocally violent. In nonreciprocal violent relationships, women were the perpetrators in more than 70% of the cases,” and both sexes suffered significant injuries. http://www.ajph.org/cgi/content/abstract/97/5/941

The same study also found: “More women than men (25% versus 11%) were responsible. In fact, 71 percent of the instigators in nonreciprocal partner violence were women” and “while injury was more likely when violence was perpetrated by men, in relationships with reciprocal violence it was the men who were injured more often (25% of the time) than were women (20% of the time).” http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/42/15/31-a

Well, at least some people out there have their facts straight. I hope you do now, too.

(Full Article at ncfm.org: http://ncfm.org/2011/09/news/discrimination-against-men-news/more-vawa-biden-babble/)

Stepmom Communities

2011-09-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

I've been a part of a lot of different stepmom communities over the past 6 years. Some have lots of veteran members, some start to remind me of a warzone, and others are fresh and upcoming. Here are some sites you should check out and join:

stepchicks.ning.com

stepmomcentral.com

stepmommag.com

Each are a little different and at different stages. If you know of a site you love, you can list it in the comments to this post, but I purposely did not list some other sites I've been a member of and do not recommend. There are also communities specific to certain countries.

On top of that, there are now TONS of stepmom groups on Facebook. Some are private or closed, but if you find them, you can send a message to the group admin and ask if you'll be considered. You can get kicked out if you attack others, so think about your wording and whether you're being open to what the other person could be going through (but not saying). You also may get invited or automatically placed in a group if you start friending stepmoms that belong to those groups and you don't seem suspicious or mean in any way.

Let me explain what I mean by suspicious... Some online stepmom communities have dealt with biomoms joining their groups and then taking information from the site and using it in court, showing it to the kids, etc. We all need a place to discuss things with friends, and for many of us, our "friends" happen to be virtual; in the stepmom world, you're often moved to an area away from friends or you are in an area where stepmoms aren't the norm. It's hard for many of us to find other stepmoms dealing with what we're dealing with, which is why we join these communities in the first place. So, stepmom sites, in order to protect us, require some private information. You are also allowed to submit to the admin a list of those that should not be allowed to join and their email addresses.

Given the possibilities of your private posts turning volatile, I recommend you not show or mention the sites you join to your stepkids, who may seem innocent but could accidentally or purposefully give their mom something to fight you with. Remember also that older stepkids can jump on your computer and look at your site history and read your posts about them. So, always log out, log off, or shut down your computer. Just be aware and cautious.

I've also found that I spend some time in one community, enjoy it, and then it starts to transition into something else. Could be good, could be bad. Groups grow and change. Overall, there are always others out there that aren't recognizing how bad your situation is and how much you're struggling and are going to say something either offensive, demeaning, or plain insensitive to you and about what you're writing. The absolute LAST thing we need is to demean other stepmoms, since we don't know what they're dealing with and they could be in a different stage of understanding their role. The job of a stepmom is a huge learning curve and process, and a stepmom could be at any point at any time, or simply in a crazy week. Who knows, but don't judge. If you are judged, either step away, take a break from that community, or defriend some of the people that are judging you. Point out to the group that you feel judged and would like it to stop, or maybe it's time to find a new community. Don't beat up on yourself too much. Listen to "constructive" (ie. nice, sensitive) criticism versus criticism that may be coming from someone in a completely different situation than yours. OR simply use the community to make connections to a few stepmoms that can become your penpal or even real-life buddy. Then, transition out of the group but keep those friends through Facebook and email.

And now for a slight tangent... A word to those already in stepmom communities: If a group is labeled something to the effect of "stepmoms without bios" PLEASE do not freaking post anything in there if you do in fact have biological children. It's beyond annoying when a biomom, apparently unable to read the title of the forum, decides to comment on how clearly we all "don't get it." The women who took on this role without any of their own children need a space to share things that only they are dealing with, because they are surrounded by women and the issues of women with children daily and feel completely out of place. I don't think the stepmoms with biokids realize how absolutely horrible their advice sounds to those of us without. We need our own space and our own dialogue, kid free.

Not My Guilt: A Second Wife's Unnecessary Turmoil

2011-09-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are active church goers. Our head pastor and church mission have a focus on adults between 30-40 and families, although this mission has resulted in attracting many more outside of that age group. Probably due to this focus, nearly all of the sermons tie into family life, raising a family with faith, and being better parents with stronger marriages. So, many messages touch on keeping the family together, sometimes as a side piece to the larger message. Also, there's a repeated focus on men keeping their family together rather than leaving when times get tough or being distracted. I apparently concern myself with this particular aspect more than I should.

On Monday night, I started rambling to my husband about a myriad of things that I think about in circles regularly. I have always assumed he must feel a tremendous amount of guilt sometimes, especially when he hears some of those messages in church. I was talking in circles, and finally he tried to stop me by pointing out that he does not feel guilt about his former marriage.

I was surprised and asked for more. Thankfully, he clearly and immediately enlightened me. He explained that the messages in church are about his current marriage and his current family. His previous marriage is over, and he has one right now to deal with. He doesn't dwell on any guilt, as he knows much better than I ever will that it was not a marriage to feel guilty over.

I was impressed by his simple response, that he hears the sermons through the ears of a currently married man- not a divorced man. That means I am the one thinking about it, not him. I'm fretting about his nonexistent guilt, while he is the one thinking about OUR marriage. What a fool I am...

Then, he brought it home. This discussion took place the day after the 10 year anniversary of September 11th. He told me that on September 11, 2001, he had a new baby, a little girl, and a wife. He got up in the morning, drove his long commute to work, and listened to the radio. He got to work, discussed the event with his coworkers. Watched the news with them, and dealt with the possibility of an attack locally. At the end of the day, he went home. Neither he nor his former wife called to talk to each other. Neither called each other to discuss the events, express concern or worry, or find out how the other was handling it.

He said nothing after that, knowing what I would say and think. After a few beats, I said, "I would be calling you. About everything. You would have called me. If you didn't call me, I'd be worried. We would have been talking all day. I wouldn't have left you alone!" He said, "I know," and then he reminded me of a few of the other well-known facts about his previous marriage I should have just accepted as enough in order to understand.

This discussion was a really good reminder for me. He knows what he went through, he knows what it was like. I don't, and none of us do. His divorce was not pithy or on a whim. It was not based on spontaneity, and he knew it was wrong in the first year. She did, too. She's the one that told him it was wrong, actually. And as he put it, they "tried", as others say, from that first year on, and each step only proved that two wrongs don't make a right. Fixing something implies that it was working in the first place; that it is actually fixable. Sometimes people get married, for the wrong reason, too early, or it was really a huge mistake. It wasn't after lots of love and then the loss of love or a misunderstanding that could have been handled with therapy, medication, or simple understanding. Some marriages are painful, horrible, abusive, and/or wrong. They hurt everyone, including the children.

I don't know why we put so much on ourselves as second wives. Some (few) of you don't want to know and don't ask, but most of us ask and still aren't satisfied. We want to understand, know, and trust that the first marriage was different and ours is better. We like to over-analyze and bug our husbands to help us "understand." But really all they want is to make this marriage succeed, and that's why they moved on in the first place. They want it to work with us, and if he's there, then that's as healthy as he can be. Maybe we should come up with our own a second-wife moratorium on question asking and first-marriage curiosity. We need to move on with our marriage.

Let the Kids NOT Deal with the End of Your World

2011-09-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

If you are a mother or father with primary custody and your life falls apart, let your kids be taken care of by their other parent. Don't maintain control of your custody by sending the kids off with every other possible adult in their lives because you no longer can care for them, even though their other, completely capable parent and stepparent live nearby. Don't let your fear of a change of the custody time share and a loss of child support cause you to let your kids suffer in complete instability and deal with your extremely stressful situation when they absolutely don't have to. If they have another home that will support them fully, then let them be in that home while you sort out your life and finances. Or, see it as less stress on you.

Your kids are suffering, and you're allowing it to continue.

Shared Parenting: Facts & Fiction

2011-09-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

The American Coalition for Fathers & Children created a research backed brochure about the primary myths perpetuated by our popular beliefs and the courts. Despite state laws and supported findings that shared, as close to equal, parenting is the most beneficial option for children, the unsupported myths continue.

To view the Facts versus Fiction and to print the brochure or share the link with others, go to:

http://www.acfc.org/site/DocServer/SPBrochureImage4.pdf?docID=1401

Protecting the Stepmother's Mental Health

2011-09-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

Protecting the Stepmother's Health article on Today's Modern Family by Kela Price

Thank you, Kela, for a great article.

Highlights include:

"Historically, stepmothers have just been expected to accept any and everything because they chose to marry a man with children, and therefore chose to marry his kids and his ex-wife. It’s something that they shouldn’t complain about and realize that it’s not about them, but the kids who are torn apart by divorce. We’ve all heard this before, right stepmoms? My question is then why shouldn’t mom be expected to just suck it up? After all, she chose to have children in the first place and it’s supposed to be about the kids, right? Why does she get to complain and then receive sympathy with kids that she chose to create, but stepmom has to just suck it up with kids who are not her own?"

"As I stated above, stepmothers are expected to just accept everything without expressing themselves and are often told that they are evil and wicked if they do lose a grip every now and then. They are often battling an intrusive ex-wife as research indicates that ex-wives remain bitter for longer (years after) the divorce and are in fact the most intrusive."

"Being expected to please everyone without being able to express how you feel is an unrealistic and totally unfair expectation to place on ANYONE! Stepmothers need to have their role acknowledged and supported if we are to work at decreasing the alarming rate of second divorces in America."

"We then we dump all of those emotions, responsibility and aftermath of a divorce that she didn’t create, mind you, on the stepmother and say, “now you deal with it and you better do it all with a smile. There’s no wonder that so many stepmoms are reaching for antidepressants and anxiety medication. And we wonder why so many are just angry all the time."

Make sure you get to the 7 pieces of advice she outlines at the end of the article. My favorite is point 6:

"No matter what some say, you did not marry your husband, his kids AND his ex-wife, and suggesting this is only implying that it is your job to keep them ALL happy – NOT... There are two people in our marriage, not three or four. I’ve never seen a husband, wife and ex-wife rocking on their front porch when they are 80 years old."

Continual Conflict

2011-09-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

Being a stepmom in and of itself means continual conflict, at least while you're still raising the kids. The direct conflict should somewhat lessen when they're older, living their adult lives. (Or so we assume...Cue scary, foreboding music.)

If there isn't direct conflict with the kids, there still continues to be conflict inside of you. Whether you have your own brood or you are technically "childless", there will continue to be times where inside you feel so much turmoil- even when they're not in the house.

In the middle of the night, something occurs to you. You realize it's something you and your husband or the kids haven't dealt with yet. You think about it, and then realize they're not going to be back to your house for another day, 3 days, 2 weeks... You decide in your mind to move on, and then realize you just can't. And it's the middle of the night, so you can't talk about it with your husband or do much about any of it. But it's there, bugging you mercilessly, and you can't get back to sleep. Or, if you do, usually bad dreams ensue. In order to "handle it", I try to plan what I will say or do when the kids come back, or how I will talk about it with my husband. I try to come up with a plan of action, in hopes that that will settle my worries down. Sometimes that helps, sometimes I just wish I could go on a cruise instead.

Sometimes we get along OK with each other, and things aren't rough at all, but I still can fear them coming over. Not that our house is "peaceful" before the kids come, but I know that the impending weekend or week means a lot more cleaning, cooking, or just a complete lack of control. Full-time parents can be jealous of someone having any breaks whatsoever, but I've found that I have less anxiety and the stress subsides when the kids are with us regularly rather than in smallish spurts of time thanks to a crap custodial order. We all get into a groove, the kids take us relatively seriously as parental figures, and the home functions day after day. Once our time is cut up into small chunks (all the way down to only 4 days out of each month- yeah, that's what we call equal-shared-parenting here in our 50/50 state...) it's more like running full speed for 2 crazy, jam-it-all-in-because-we-have-no-other-choice, then the shock of emptiness. Then we get used to the brief dinner visits of our kid-guests, and then suddenly they're back!

Some of the older camp out there, that haven't read much modern research apparently, believe that it's better for kids to have one stable home- only. Visits with the secondary parent might even be too much for the kids, even if the other parent is perfectly fine but simply parents differently. That it causes too much turmoil for the kids. But we've seen the other side, what the modern research attests to as causing more conflict for the children: One household dominating, and the secondary parent not counting in their lives. One is the serious, all the time parent, the other is the do-as-much-as-possible-in-our-precious-few-minutes parent- often resulting in a lack of quality parenting or involvement from the secondary parent. Courts moved towards "co-parenting" concepts, when some states and countries adopted 50/50 equal-shared-parenting legislation. Then, the verbiage changed, still in support of the former beliefs, that if "co-parenting" wasn't possible, then the 50/50 couldn't be done- which, was not the intent of the law. In fact, the intent of the law was to make sure that both parents stay involved as much as possible, to the extent they want, up to 50/50 unless otherwise agreed or unless one parent caused a danger (real, not perceived) to the children. Some therapists and alienated parents are now trying to get the alternate, and more realistic, concept of "parallel parenting" out there, to replace the mythical co-parenting concept that undermines the equal-shared-parenting, 50/50 legislation.

Researchers found that time shares closer to 50/50 allows kids to see and spend time with both parents, both homes, and both lives regularly- creating a consistent time share that doesn't bounce back and forth. (If you think that 50/50 is bouncing, you should ask about the typical custody order- including holidays.) The 50/50 as a consistency measure may be hard for you to get your head around, until you see how totally messed up and emotionally confused a child is by one parent exerting primary control over another parent who is willing, fit, and able- and wholly present in their lives. Anything other than 50/50 causes children to doubt their parents, feel like they "had to choose" between their parents, and that they are continuously choosing all the time between their parents- with one "winning" and the other "losing". Or, they feel like one parent "doesn't want them" or somehow, despite anything they see or experience, "isn't good enough" as deemed by the primary parent or the courts. They then have to find justification for why they are not able to be with their secondary parent, leading them to easily believe bad stories about that parent that they hear from the primary household or extended family, or they come up with their own childlike conclusions. In other words, they have to find some way to make sense of it in their minds, which inevitably puts some sort of false blame on the secondary parent that that child may grow up believing for life.

Now, something needs to be said for parents who are not "able"- meaning, not physically present or local enough to do the 50/50. This may not have been that parent's choice, but that also causes conflict for the children. They then wonder why that parent can't move with them, can't be there with them too, can't see them as much, and why they chose to not follow them. Despite that being entirely too simplistic, that is how kids feel and think deep down, no matter how much we try to explain to them that a job kept us in one place (they resent the job) or that the other parent moved without notice (kids think "so what- don't you want me??").... No matter what, the conflict is perpetual.

And so we are. My anxiety is up, my guards are up, despite everything being pretty much OK. Great. Here comes the long weekend!

(For research sources related to what I shared above, please see the link provided in Shared Parenting: Facts & Fiction)

What's wrong with that?

2011-08-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

I really love my husband. I really mean it, too. He's my best friend and my favorite person, ever. I don't ever want to be without him, and I'm proud to be with him. (And that's why I'm a stepmom to begin with, obviously- Because I love him SO much. That's why I deal with it all, try to learn from it, and write this blog. It all goes back to him in some way...)

A Christian brand started carrying shirts that simply said "I love my wife" and "I love my husband." We bought the "I love my wife" shirt for my husband, though it probably doesn't fit him anymore after shrinking. The "I love my husband" shirt was too big for me, so I held out for a better one down the line. One day in a mall, my older stepdaughter found in the back of a junior's store some cute, stylish tops that said things like "I love my boyfriend" and "I love my hubby." I thought it was great, I was so excited to finally find a match to my husband's shirt, and I bought one. It has shiny letters and its cute. I love it.

I've worn it a few times. Interestingly, sometimes people mock me for it. Other times, I receive no comments and there's the rare compliment.

Today, I saw a woman wearing a bright pink t-shirt that said "I [heart] my husband" in HUGE letters, covering the whole front of the T-shirt. She didn't look like someone to laugh at, and seeing it as a regular T-shirt, I thought about how it looks like any other shirt. I was reminded of the plain "I [heart} NY" shirts. My younger stepdaughter loves panda shirts. She would wear a shirt that said "I LOVE PANDAS" without question, and not get mocked for it. Also popular over the past few years, for kids and teens, were the "BFF" shirts and bracelets. People mocked the term/acronym "BFF", but not usually that a kid had a shirt stating they loved their BFF.

I'm still not sure why I was mocked at a softball game by some parents that one time. They laughed, and the women chitchatting said they wouldn't wear that. I don't get it. Isn't it assumed that if you're married, you love your husband? Yeah, I know we know "the real truth" about that, that many people lack love in their marriages. But have we really come to a point where it's MORE acceptable to wear something mocking your spouse than it is to wear something that expresses the default assumption?

I'm still glad I have my "I LOVE my hubby" tank top, but I still wonder why some people I barely knew could laugh at me for it. It is no different than a shirt that says something about your BFF or that you love Justin Bieber...Elmo...NY... It's just a shirt. Mocking someone for something that has meaning, is rather wrong, though. If you wore a "I [heart] Jesus" shirt, you may get labeled as a Christian or some other label that goes with being a Christian who overtly expresses their beliefs. Well, I'm OK with that. Instead of mocking me, how about I gain the label of "wife" or even "loving wife"?

A "Good" Stepmother

2011-07-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

You cannot define a good stepmother according to her stepchildren or her stepchildren's happiness.

That's what certain people tend to do, including mediators, counselors, and in-laws.

It's similar to how you cannot judge a good parent according to the children, especially their happiness.

Kids have moods, pout, and are constantly dealing with the harsh realities of having to take showers or dinner that is not primarily based on ice cream. Kids actually accuse their parents of being "mean" or even yell that they hate them, because they didn't get to go to a friend's house or the word "No" was used.

So if we're aware that kids are this way, act this way, and take parents for granted...Why would you judge a stepmother in that same way? Why do people not realize that kids may not actually hate their stepmom, but could feel strongly just about the fact that there is a stepmom, there is a divorce, and there are two homes. She is an easy target for blame in many cases. And often, a stepmom is taking care of a child who would much rather be with his or her daddy. The stepmom can be seen as a type of babysitter to the child, especially given that usually their mom doesn't afford the stepmom any respect as anything else, and so the child will be unhappy with the stepmom even if everything is perfectly normal and happy otherwise.

There are plenty of reasons why a stepchild would be unhappy with or around a stepmom, but it does not mean that it reflects on the quality or "goodness" of the stepmom.

Why I Seem to Suck

2011-06-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

The Wannabe title is because being a stepmom is a hugely debated role. I spent a lot of time in college studying organizations and the concept of "Role Incongruity". Being unclear of your role causes a ton of damage to a company or other type of organization. Your boss and company are supposed to define your identity. If they don't clearly define your role, your position in the organization, your duties, your responsibilities- you suffer out of confusion or unclear directives. The company in turn suffers because their employees are unsure and overly cautious (usually) or just making mistakes, such as increasing their scope beyond their role or expertise.

The stepmom identity is a lot like this. It's defined by the husband and new wife, first and foremost. It shouldn't be defined by the ex-wife or the in-laws. But, the in-laws and former wife do everything in their power to shape the role and judge every single move the couple makes to define the new family and the new wife in a role that no one would ever agree on. (I've heard that sometimes biomoms work with stepmoms to help the kids and stepmom with the role, but this is such a foreign concept to me that I just can barely imagine...and I'm going to leave that aspect of heavenly humanity out of this post).

I do everything I can. I make mistakes, just like every parent. But for the most part, I actually spoil my stepchildren. I don't get to "deal with" making them a meal they don't like. I can't force them to do much of anything, despite logic, efforts, coercion, carrots, etc. The only backing I have is their dad. Without their dad backing me clearly and repeatedly, I am like some sort of invisible fun director to them. I take them to places, plan loads of awesome trips, buy them the stuff they need and even want, and I buy them treats to keep them happy for a short period of time. This is promptly forgotten, because it's apparently what wicked stepmothers just are supposed to do. I do bug them about a lot of stuff- like picking up after themselves, trying to not kill me and the pets by leaving dangerous stuff out (I have to remind my husband of this as well...), putting away dishes and maybe, just maybe taking the time to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher (which apparently their duty at their mom's house is to do dishes...this ASTOUNDS me entirely given my experience with them). I also have found that I need to remind them regularly to treat their dad with respect, which is normally what their mom should do- but since she never respected him either, I'm the first one to teach them this concept and I definitely have a wifely duty to remind them to repay his undying love to them with the basic level of respect. (Hell, even Marge reminds the kids to mind Homer!)

Beyond this, the role of stepmom is continually debated by the stepkids themselves and society as a whole. Many people believe we shouldn't exist, yet divorce is extremely common and definitely supported as a way out of marriage as we walk further away from our religious cultural history. If we're not going to tolerate abusive or just plain miserable marriages and severely dangerous dysfunctional families, then you'd think there would be a little bit more acceptance of the alternative and post-divorce life arrangements. It seems like we all believe that moms should remarry great men that take care of their families and replace the "deadbeat dad", but men shouldn't remarry wonderful women that work their hearts out to care for two children they never planned to have- often sacrificing all dreams of their own family and children, because the ones that exist already are the priority and a new baby would make it worse for the kids that already exist. It's a terribly difficult role, and everyone else tries to define it.

Given this, I suck. No matter what, I can't live up to all of your expectations. My husband's expectations are the most important to me, followed by my stepkids. Unfortunately, my stepkids' expectations of me have been so badly shaped by their mother that I'm completely screwed. I don't know if I will ever be out of the evil stepmonster sh*tlist because they have grown up being told a bunch of stuff about my role that is completely untrue, by a person who doesn't seem to even be completely clear on her own role as a mother. They also see how their other stepparent is, and how completely uninvolved he is, which translates into complete "freedom" to them...Making even my most parenting moments offensive by comparison. Their mom tells the kids that his distant role is correct, and my active role is wrong. (Though, she has told them that my money does need to go towards all of their caretaking. Just thought I should help you with that lovely piece of more role confusion... Pay up, fork over your time and your soul, but don't dare be involved...Pretty common biomom thing to expect of a stepmom, by the way.)

Amusingly, so many people expect to be simply a supporting role-model to their stepchildren. They want to be "like an aunt." I can't tell you how much I read that a person just wants to be someone for their stepchildren to listen to and trust, someone they will go to in the future. Well, that's pretty hard to get if you're also given ANY responsibility over them whatsoever, especially when they're young. I'm sorry, but if you're a stepparent, you will need to occasionally (or a lot more, given the situation and husband expectations) parent them before they 1) hurt themselves, 2) hurt others, 3) get abandoned at something, 4) go hungry. Those are the top times when you actually have to parent some, and yeah, it will happen. You'll need to pick them up, you'll need to take care of them in some way.

You won't just get to be a visiting "aunt" who plays with them for a day and sends them back to their parents if they cry. You will not get to be fun leader, without a whole lot of baggage dragged into it, causing your stepkids to automatically NOT trust you one iota. You don't get to just buy them treats, and expect them to talk to you endlessly about their loves and concerns. If you have that sort of stepparent/stepkid relationship, you either leave the house A LOT or your husband literally does everything with the kids while you read books or watch movies by yourself. Making you...not a part of the family. On top of that, I don't know how you wouldn't end up in situations where you're the only one there to do any type of parenting, which often can even just be repeating what their dad already told them to do. Doesn't matter how great the kid is- there will be times where you'll need to talk to them about why their helmet is important or why they shouldn't eat candy til they puke. And, then...the moment you tell them to not do something or to do something...Well, you're not their nice aunt they visit with randomly, and somehow that opinion of you from their mom seeps in from nowhere no matter what fun you've been having previously, and BAM! You're back to the evil stepmonster that the kids don't want to live with.

I don't see any way I could just be that nice extra role model in their lives. I have a responsibility to them. If they were older, I would invite a casual relationship of discussing life- but usually even adult children aren't willing to get to know the new wife, no matter how damaged their parent's marriage may have been.

Whatever- Here I am. I'm here to help them, care for them, guide them, lead them. I am a part of my husband's family, and I work my ass off to please them and support my husband's parenting. But since we're not the main home and their mom has told them my role is something to destroy them (apparently, given the distrust), nothing I do is really ever remembered or right. They have fruity colored glasses given to them from birth that will forever shade me in some sort of other light. I feel bad for the people that think that they will simply be lovely role models for their stepchildren, because it's just not that simple. You have no control over how they see you, and you just need to live your life and parent the way you were meant to- whether they're your kids or not. You don't need to do all of the parenting, unlike a biological parent- but you do need to fulfill the role that the kids need, and not your idealistic role or your in-law's role or the kid's mom's role.

In other words, do what they need. Give them what they need. Not what they want, not what they are told they should want. Just like a real parent should do, and a real role model would be proud to do.

Why Its Easier to Love a Stepfather than a Stepmother

2011-06-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

Why Its Easier to Love a Stepfather than a Stepmother by Wednesday Martin on Psychology Today

We've seen all of this in our blended family. I think number 6 is the simplest thing that the courts and mediators have the power to control and fix, but they refuse to believe exactly what Wednesday wrote in this article: to look beyond the stepmonster accusations and understand the real dynamics that are mostly controlled by the mother.

"In general, therapists and the rest of us should be aware that, when an accusation of "stepmonster" is leveled, something far more complicated (and common) than a "wicked stepmother" is almost always the root cause. We should also bear in mind that rather than being a question of having "good intentions and a good heart," a stepmother's success with her partner's kids usually hinges on factors (outlined above) beyond her control. "

Thank God for Wednesday and her work! I hope her articles reach many eyes.

Hostile Dependency article

2011-06-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

Shrink4men.com has another great article that addresses abusive personality disorders. It's fantastic that more and more is coming out that addresses abuse on both sides of a marriage, non-gender specific.

Hostile Depedency: Is your ex a child in a woman's body?

If your husband dealt with this in his first marriage, he may still be recovering or may need assistance with understanding the differences between his first wife and you. You may need to talk him into therapy just to get over some of the abusive control his ex had over him, or you can both attend couples therapy to discuss how your marriage will be different, as interdependent partners with love and respect versus demands.

Skids Ignoring Steps- It just doesn't have to be

2011-06-07T13:06:00.000-07:00

A plug for a new step(girlfriend) blogger who posted right in line with our most recent house fall-out. Kudos to you, Becoming a Step Someone!

To Ignore or Not To Ignore

Way to cover a major, major issue that so many people overlook and accept as a part of their role, not realizing that children do actually have to be taught how to be respectful to others.

Does Your Ex-Wife have Golden Uterus Complex?

2011-05-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

And a little something for the men...

But it also serves a dual purpose of describing what I've alluded to in many other posts here. Not to mention, stepmoms often refer to their husband's exes as "our ex-wife" when the ex has such a presence over your new marriage, that you feel like it's a shared divorce.

Does your wife or ex-wife have Golden Uterus Complex? The 15 Characteristics of Golden Uterus from Shrink4Men.com

Props to this article for pointing out the abuse characteristics, too.