“I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things.” Glenn Beck (Fox News Sunday)

Screenwriter legend, Larry Gelbart, taught me that in the hands of a good comedy writer what is acceptable as gospel to so many can be hysterical satire to many more. Today I can only believe that he’s in heaven running lines with George Burns on how God would admonish Glenn Beck.

Oh (My) God (2010)

Backstage at his Restoring Honor rally, Glenn Beck wipes his brow, accepting congratulations from admirers, some of whom were related to those who had actually read about Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech 47 years before.

Humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” Beck retreats to the nearby bathroom to relieve himself.   As he washes his hands a black bathroom attendant hands him a towel.

Attendant: Mr. Beck, that was quite uplifting.

Beck: Pshaw. Only God Himself can be uplifting. I am not God. I am only the humble human being God has chosen to speak for him. 

Beck pulls out a $25 Goldline coin.

Beck: Do you have change for a hundred?

Attendant: It’s a $25 coin.

Beck: Yes, but I bought it for $75 and there’s a possibility with the volatile world economic situation, gold could be your best investment.

Attendant: That’s alright. I’m here to serve and I ask nothing in return other than your eternal gratitude.

Beck:  Deal. Hey, you’re black, right?

Attendant: I am as you see me.

Beck: Whatever. Would you mind coming out to the dais and standing behind me?  As pale as I am I tend to blend into the white steps of the memorial. It makes it harder for my followers to see me. I could use as much color as possible behind me 

Attendant: Would you mind if I ask you a question first?

Beck: Go ahead. 

Attendant: How do you know that it was God who has spoken to you?

Beck: Who do you think got those geese to come to my rally and do a fly over?

Attendant: My son.  Those geese didn’t come to your rally. They were leaving it.

Beck: And exactly how do you know that?

Attendant: Do you know why you never see geese grazing on dairy farm land?

Beck: Why?

Attendant: They’re allergic to bull shit.

Beck: And why is that?

Attendant: I made them that way.

Beck: What do you mean, “you made them that way”?

Attendant: Did you ever see “Bruce Almighty”?

Beck: You’re saying you’re Jim Carey?

Attendant: Guess again.

Beck: Wait a minute. You’re not telling me you’re God?

Attendant: That is for you to decide.

Beck: Yeah, right. And I guess you can prove it?

Attendant: You mean you want to see some kind of parlor trick?

Beck: You just want me to take your word?

Attendant: You seem to be okay with others taking your word. Are you more trustworthy than God?

Beck: I don’t have to be. I’m on Fox.

Attendant: Okay. How’s this?

The attendant reaches into Beck’s ear and pulls out a nickel.

Beck: Big deal. My uncle can do that with a quarter.

Attendant: Can your uncle do this?
 
The attendant reaches into the back of Beck’s pants.

Beck: Hey!!!

With a mighty yank, the attendant pulls out a large chalkboard, much to the discomfort of Beck,

Beck: Are you crazy!?

Attendant: You pull conspiracies out of your butt. I figure I’d check what else is up there.

Rubbing his rear, it begins to hit Beck that this guy isn’t your typical bathroom attendant.

Attendant: You want me to see what else you’ve got up there?

Beck: No, no, no. I believe you. I guess you could be God. I just expected you to look a little more like Charleston Heston or maybe, Roger Ailes; something white and Republican.

God: I am what I am and that is what I am.

Beck: Wow. You actually came to my rally. Just like I said. Hey. I hope I’m not over–reaching here, but do you think the next time I make myself cry you can make my tears look like blood?  Let Olbermann try to make a joke out of that.

God: The bleeding eyes thing is really more of a Robert Rodriguez stunt. If you want, I kill the first born of every speaker here today who has lied? That’ll get their attention.

Beck: Um. I don’t think that’s really what I’m looking for. By the way, did I mention that I didn’t actually hold George Washington’s speech?

God: I know.

Beck: Hey. What about you just coming out and saying something. Maybe give us your blessing.
 
God: Should I tell them that when you found yourself $600,000 short for the rally you prayed to Me for the money and “Within two days, without telling anyone about it, $600,000 came in””

Beck: Actually, that would be perfect.

God: I don’t send money because people pray for it.  I’m God, not Powerball. Why don’t you just tell them what I tell you. You seem to be very good at that.

Beck: Great. Let me get a pen.

God. Don’t bother. I’ll just use the blackboard.

A picture of President Obama appears on the blackboard.  A line from Obama materializes slowly connecting to a picture of Jeremiah Wright which connects to a picture of slaves hanging a white slave owner.

God: First of all, that thing about Obama being a racist who has a deep seated hatred for white people…

Beck: I might have been stretching a bit there. 

God: You also said that the President’s religious belief is a perversion of the gospel of Jesus Christ as most Christians know it. You saying that, in itself, is a perversion of my Son’s gospel.

Beck: I got this big mouth…

God: You don’t promote religion by demeaning another’s beliefs. That would be the very opposite of what you said to those 87,000 people.

Beck: Michelle Bachman said there were over a million.

God: I created Michelle for comic relief, not calculating attendance.

Another line on the blackboard appears from Obama and connects with a picture of Hitler.

God: Then you compared Obama to Hitler.

Beck: Gotcha there. I never said he was Hitler. I just said that he was just doing the same things Hitler did.

A Fox News logo appears on the board. A line from the logo connects to a picture of a Jew in a concentration camp.

God: Then you compared Obama’s treatment of Fox News to Jews being sent to concentration camps.

Beck: Well, that one is on the money. You more than anyone should know that Obama has got to dream about exterminating Fox News.

God: What is in one’s dreams is their business. Using religion to attack another, is no more holy than killing 3,000 innocent people in the name of Me.

Intermission.

Steve Young is the author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful” (greatfailure.com) and blogs at the appropriately properly name SteveYoungonpolitics.com

Beck spoke about his ignorance of academia, being that he is self taught, but asked his listeners, “What if I am right?’ Of course he whispered it which makes what he says so cool because then you know he sincerely means it.  It was also at that moment that it all made sense. Glenn Beck is Michael Scott.

Michael Scott is a character in The Office, my favorite sitcom…other than the ones I was paid to write.  Glenn Beck is a character on radio and Fox News.  I now come to believe that they are, in fact, the same character.

It’s really not so much of a leap. Both are stars on their own hit shows. Both are wont to tear up to make an impression. Both have been known to use a blackboard to rationalize a tortured point. Both have an incredibly conflicted view of who they are, beginning particular lines of reasoning with an aw shucks, I don’t know nothin’, before giving themselves a standing ovation for grasping the incomprehensible. Like their intimate understanding of how God works.

“Is there a God…? Then what are all these churches for?
Michael Scott

“God is giving a plan, I think, to me…that is not a plan.”
Glenn Beck explaining God’s submission of a plan that is not a plan

While neither is black they both have found Martin Luther King affects their lives in significant ways.

“…it was divine providence.”
Glenn Beck on why he selected the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s  “I have a dream” speech as the day of his 8/28 rally at the Lincoln Memorial.

“I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.”
Michael Scott on MLK Day

They both know ultimate pain

Michael Scott: Can I ask you all a question? Do you know what it’s like to be disabled?
Phyllis: I had scoliosis as a girl
Michael Scott: Never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman’s trouble.
Creed: When I was a teenager, I was in an iron-lung.
Michael Scott: Wha? How…how old are you? The point is: I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability. Although I am sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.
Stanley: I’m not disabled and neither are you.
Michael discussing his mind set after stepping on his George Foremen grill

“By Saturday night if they had come into my room with a handgun and said, ‘OK, we can give you some more medication or take this gun and blow your head off’ … I would have honestly taken the handgun at that point and ended it.”
Glenn Beck reporting to viewers his mind-set after his hemorrhoid operation

They both know how to relate to others’ pain.

“When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.” -”The Glenn Beck Program,” Sept. 9, 2005

“I’m not a bad guy, I am a good guy, who just, hits women with his car.”
Michael Scott after hitting his employee with his car.

Both Scott and Beck have a clear understanding of what it takes to breed racial harmony.

“You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office; Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The boozy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don’t know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.” Michael Scott fearing he would lose the one black in his office.

“Obama has exposed himself as a person with a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture…(Obama) has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist.” Beck explaining President Obama’s racism.

Then again the Scott-Beck parallel can sustain itself purely on the double-over hilarity that emanates from sense of self.

“Darryl thinks he’s such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well big deal! I worked in a warehouse, Men’s Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I’d like to see Darryl greet people, probably make them feel like wimps. Not me. I - “Hello. I’m Michael. Welcome to Men’s Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.” It’s just one example.” Michael Scott “The Office: Gay Witch Hunt (2006)

“You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one - I can’t speak for you, but I’m on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.”
Glenn Beck Nov. 6, 2006

And the coup d’etat…Scott has Dwight and Andy sucking up.  Beck has Pat and Stu.

So my question is not how Glenn Beck would know what I as a Jew would wonder, but why I would ever wonder why Glenn Beck doesn’t know everything, including how to bring the dead back to life

And that, my friends, is what she said.

“I certainly didn’t mind him calling Afghanistan, ‘a war of Obama’s choosing,’” said Titular Head of the Remains of the Republican Party, Limbaugh. “That shows that he has what it takes to be a damn good talk show host. But to say that any war  America is engaged in can’t be won by us, is just against every piece of bullshit I’ve tried to sell my listeners for over 20 years.”

“What I meant to say was exactly whatever would have pleased Rush,” explained Steele. “I hope Emperor Limbaugh understands that I would never say anything that would have disappointed him.  The video being passed around by the progressive, anti-American press, is much more Goebbels than Fox News. Anyone who knows me or someone like me knows that the liberal media edited out my thoughts and only left in my actual words. Is there any question that MediaMatters and Acorn had their anti-troops hands in this?”

“If a house burnt down, would we stop building houses?”

Sure we would, Glenn…

If the blaze raged on for over a month.

if the burning house caused the worst environmental disaster in history and there were no firemen who had any idea how to put it out.

if 70 miles of coastline had been contaminated by the house fire.

if millions of gallons of oil spilled out of the house.

 if the inferno was ten times worse than Katrina.

if the flames from the house destroyed tens of thousands of fish, birds and nutria, annihilating a region’s marine food chain and perhaps affecting wildlife for as long as a century.

if the fire put thousands of people whose livelihood was based on shoreline revenues on to the unemployment roles.

if the people who were in charge of putting out the fire caused the fire.

Don’t you see how well Glenn’s analogy works?

No?  Well perhaps his climb all over President Obama’s calling to suspend deep sea drilling will change your mind.

After playing a tape of President Obama saying that drilling in waters would be suspended, Beck seamlessly expanded that into intimating the President was speaking about ALL oil drilling, reminding his listeners that Rockefeller had drilled for oil. Yes, I know John D never drilled a mile down into an ocean, but that didn’t matter as the essence of Glenn’s argument was not the relationship of drilling to wealthy oilmen as it was of his overwhelming success of pitching nonsensical crap to a massive audience that eats it up in shovel fulls. To not suspend under water oil drilling until you find the cause as well as a manner of plugging up the spill should it happen again would be criminally negligent. Only a madman or an egregiously callous snake-oil pitchman would even consider it an legitimate argument.

Even if Glenn were to defend his embarrassingly inept rant as his unique brand of hilarity, sarcasm to make a point is not humor if the basis of your joke is hysterically flawed.  An “airplane food” joke would never work if all airlines fed every passenger from the first class kitchen.  But this was no joke. This was purely a heartless disregard for those affected by the spill. A house fire is not anywhere near the level of an economic and environmental disaster. Will he next equate an ingrown toenail to the Holocaust?  Stay tuned.  

Equating the oil spill to the dropping of a glass of wine on a rug, one of his radio playmates chided. “Accidents happen,”

Unfortunately, Glenn Beck is an accident that has already burned out of control.

“I’m not in favor of discrimination in any form. I would never belong to any private club that denied gravity for any race of people,” Paul said. “But we still have plenty of American space rockets where gravity does not exist.  Are we to tell our country’s hard working astronauts that they are no longer allowed to spend time in areas that might discriminate against gravity.”

Paul told Maddow that he agrees with most parts of the law of gravity but takes exception with a particular clause that makes it unacceptable for those who chose to do so, to float away.  Paul explained that, had he been in office when the first apple  fell from a tree, he would have tried to stop every massive particle in the universe from attracting every other massive particle with a force which is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.

“If non-Americans like Galileo and Newton choose to  subscribe to so-called gravity, that is their choice,” said Paul. “Just as it is any other person’s choice  to not  have electro-magnetic forces and matter coalesce.”

Paul’s postulation is not without backers. His supporters - scientists, conservative think tanks such as the Let Air Alone Institute, and companies such as ExxonMobil - have challenged gravity adherents and  disagree with scientific consensus. They believe that the science of things falling down when dropped is uncertain, and while there are some objects that may be affected by “so-called gravity,” there is enough scientific as well as historical evidence to question the law.

Conservative talk show host and chalk board advocate, Glenn Beck, says that gravity as a law stifles the rights our founding fathers fought and died for.

“While not inscribed in the Constitution,” Beck points out, “Anyone who has studied Thomas Jefferson’s papers knows that he wrote to Ben Franklin that ‘Man has been created in the image of God, and God himself stays above the clouds without the aid of  mechanism or trickery. Similarly, flying or hovering above the ground should not be forbidden to any person…excepting women and non-protestants .’”   

While Paul believes in the right of gravity, he doesn’t think the federal government should be imposing it on local jurisdictions.

“At the least, gravity should be a matter of state’s rights,” said Paul. “But I think what’s important in this debate is not getting into any specific ‘Gotcha’ on this, but asking the question ‘What about the freedom to float?’ Tell me you haven’t ever dreamt that you were able to fly, even it’s only three feet above the ground.  This is a slippery slope. What’s next? Outlawing our dreams? We don’t limit racists from dreaming.  And while I don’t want to be associated with those people, I also don’t want to limit their dreams in any way. We tolerate boorish and uncivilized behavior because that’s one of the things that freedom requires: allowing people to be boorish, ignorant, bigoted, and uncivilized, and to talk for hours about things they know nothing about. But that doesn’t mean we approve of it.”

While not all Republican leaders are ready to support Paul’s gravitational statements, saying they have not yet had an opportunity to fully study Paul’s position on gravity and weigh its merits, others like Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.), a Paul-booster, are fully on board.. 

“Today it’s gravity,” said DeMint. “Tomorrow they’ll be stuffing abolitionism down our throats.”

(Excerpted in today’s Philadelphia Inquirer)

“F—ing retarded.”  Presidential Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel scolding a liberal group at a private meeting at the White House. 

“Rahm’s slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities – and the people who love them – is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking.” Sarah Palin wrote while calling for Emanuel’s firing on her Facebook page 

“Our political correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards…There’s going to be a retard summit at the White House.” Rush Limbaugh on his radio show referring to Emanuel’s comments and his White House meeting with disability advocates.

“They are kooks, so I agree with Rush Limbaugh.  Rush Limbaugh was using satire … I didn’t hear Rush Limbaugh calling a group of people whom he did not agree with ‘f-ing retards,’ and we did know that Rahm Emanuel, as has been reported, did say that. There is a big difference there.” Sarah Palin, defending Limbaugh on Fox News Sunday. 

Strap on your seatbelts, folks! You’re about to board the Sarah Palin Hypocrite Coaster. You must be this obtuse to ride.  

As a former TV writer and political editor of National Lampoon, I don’t know if there’s anything off-limits when satirizing, though one would hope those commanding the pen have some inkling of what satire means before they take to the page. Joking isn’t necessarily satire. I’ve heard a lot of offensive jokes that don’t fall within an ironic mile from satire. But for argument’s sake, let’s say Limbaugh was using satire to rip into Emanuel.

My argument here isn’t with Limbaugh as much as it is with Palin’s selective righteous indignation.  If I have this right, the former governor feels Emanuel’s crude colloquial usage of the word “retard” in a private meeting is a “…slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities – and the people who love them,” but if used satirically over the radio to millions of listeners to describe Emanuel, liberal groups and mental health advocates, it’s okey-dokey.

Okay, governor, let’s try this one out.

You know what’s retarded?  Claiming you know foreign policy because “you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska.”  You know what else is retarded?  Telling David Letterman that a joking reference to your daughter is out of bounds but defending Rush Limbaugh’s reference to people (including mental health advocates) as retards who were attending a retarded summit. That’s real retarded.  Almost as retarded as quitting half way through your governorship and saying you’re not quitting but that “I know when it’s time to pass the ball for victory.”  But not as retarded as saying Rush Limbaugh - who called people “retarded” - was only quoting Emanuel – who was calling a proposal “retarded” - when the only words of Emanuel he “quoted” were “f-ing retarded.” You know how retarded that is?  It’s like saying “four score and seven disabled children should be shot and dismembered” and then saying you were just quoting the Gettysburg address. Retarded? Sure. But you know who is the biggest retard?  The hypocritical retard who deceitfully uses her own down syndrome baby as a political brickbat to bash her opponents, but allows the same child and all the other of “God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities” to be slurred to millions of Americans by the most retarded retard on the radio. A politically opportunistic retard who puts a pompous retard of a talk show host above her own special needs child.  That, ladies and gentleman, is not only f’-ing retarded.  It is terribly and incredibly sad.

So…whataya think, Sarah?  I’m only quoting Emanuel. Pretty satirical, huh?

Steve

Taking credit for everything from Jon and Kate’s breakup, Tiger Woods’ dalliances and the Balloon Boy to the recession, Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize and Glenn Beck, the group that claimed loyalty to Osama bin Laden alleged that Al Qaeda launched 2009 in response to “American aggression” in Yemen, which has been the site of recent U.S. predator drone attacks.  The message maintained that Al Qaeda operatives were positioned as early as 2005 preparing for the all-out 365 day assault this past year.

“Let the American Satan dogs beware that this is just the beginning,” read the statement.  “Octomom, Kanye West and the White House party crashers will seem like just trivial TMZ segments compared to what we have planned for 2010.”

President Obama issued his first statement on the year’s attack, telling Americans that his government was doing everything in its power to keep them safe from 2010. Hours earlier, Janet Napalitano backed away from her comments Sunday that “the system worked this year.”

“I misspoke,” said the homeland security secretary. “What I meant was that, ‘I thought’ they worked.  Clearly ‘thinking’ something doesn’t mean I wanted anyone to believe it was, in fact, so.”

The terrorist statement also said that the attempted attack on Northwest Airlines Flight 253 was only a mislead to throw off security officials.

“C’mon, a bomb in a Nigerian’s underwear?  That’s a hoot. How much damage could that cause compared to the tens of billions lost in ad revenue in Tiger Woods pants?  Do you know how many acts of cultural devastation we snuck past security while officials worried about a single pair of soiled boxers.”

The group also called on “Muslim crusaders to turn every 2010 Entertainment Tonight story into an American nightmare.”

A National Security official, on the condition of anonymity revealed that Homeland Security is considering seriously not allowing 2010 into the country until 2011.

“We don’t want to welcome in the new year until we’re absolutely certain that every single reality TV show has been cancelled.”

In April of this year, Bill O’Reilly wrote that “The New York Times is most definitely a committed left-wing concern that is openly contemptuous of the conservative, traditional point-of-view. That is the primary reason the paper may soon dissolve.”  He’s laid the same wood to the Philadelphia Inquirer, Los Angeles Times and pretty much any newspaper or mainstream media outlet who wrote or said something Bill disagreed with.

This week I’m sure he will offer the same rationale in explaining why The Washington Times, the decidedly right wing newspaper arm of the Republican Party, announced Wednesday that it is laying off at least 40 percent of its staff and shifting mainly to free distribution.

Different than any of the newspapers who Bill has blamed left-wing leanings for their losses, the Times pretty much admitted its long time bias saying that it will cease any presumed semblance of being a bona fide full-coverage daily, factual coverage of the news and instead offer “cultural coverage based on traditional values” - right wing code for right wing.

Obviously, Bill will spend this week’s column and any number of his Factor’s Talking Points explaining how The Washington Time’s collapse is the result of it being a committed right wing concern that is openly contemptuous of the middle of the road, traditional point of view.

And clearly Bill will go over the background of the Washington Times never being a real newspaper, but only the Unification Church’s Rev. Sun Myung Moon’s influence peddler that has lost billions since it went to press in 1982.

As Bill’s written before, “The truth is that most Americans are traditional-minded folks; they believe their country is noble, they want respectful discourse.”

Obviously The Washington Times did not provide that.

Tune into The Factor tonight for Bill’s rundown of how once again the conservative media has failed the fair-minded American and respectful discourse.

Steve

But most of all, thanks for the doubled over laughter.

Steve