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I'm afraid that everything on here has all gone a bit pie-shaped, due to various problems not being fixed properly.  I made a disastrous attempt to upgrade the site about 6 months ago, and it fell foul of 1und1's php4/5 problem.  I've now discovered how to fix that, but the backend remains a bit difficult to use.

The irony is, this site was the place I first developed my CMS.  I'm seriously thinking of pulling the website, moving away from cranky old 1und1 and to a new host that doesn't have the database restrictions that make it such a problem to have multiple sites running together.

In the meantime, life is somewhat difficult.

In 1948, George Orwell predicted a totalitarian state where everyone was watched for signs of weakness.  In 1968, Andy Warhol predicted that everyone would be famous for 15 minutes.  In the 2nd decade of the 21st Century, those two predictions started to collide rather unpredictably.

You know what I mean : Famous people discovering the Twitter effect, when they tell a rather off-colour joke and it backfires.  The most recent being the prejudiced views of a woman on a train, where she was filmed going on about immigrants.

Now, something seems to have escaped most people in their mad rush to disagree with the opinions of the woman, and it's this : the person who videoed this did so without her permission, and then uploaded this, malice aforethought, to YouTube.  In other words, millions of people now know who this woman is.  The same goes for the woman who dumped the cat in the bin, and any other number of clips.  Does that not strike you as trial by internet?  Does it also not strike you that doing so might be a far greater breach of the law than the actions which were punishable?    Ok, so the woman in question gave vent to an opinion which is, at best, obnoxious and reprehensible (and I'm talking as someone who's an immigrant to Germany here), but as far as I can see, the clip starts with her mid-flow, and there seems to be no context, in that she might have been goaded into making the statement.

We've all had weak moments where we've said things we have later regretted.  John Lennon ultimately paid for an out-of-context quote with his life. It seems peculiar that  "internet bullying" of and by schoolchildren is routinely condemned, yet exactly the same thing in the adult world is tolerated.

A world where the watchers are the watched, equipped with camera phones and a world-wide distribution, seems far more totalitarian than one where the Government has all the cameras.

"Car euphemism, car euphemism, car euphemism, River."

Have you ever noticed that Bruce Springsteen gets a bit too over-technical when he sings about cars? Some songs sound as though he's singing the Haynes manual. It's something of a surprise that he's never written a song called "Re-assembly is a reversal of the disassembly Procedure"

"Reassembly is a reversal of the disassembly procedure" is, of course, one of the great lies of the 20th Century. It ranks right up there with "No-one wants to build a wall across Berlin" and "I did not have sex with that woman". For this reason, many petrolheads refer to the manual for their model as "The Haynes Book of Lies".

I'll tell you why.  Because I made a big change in my life in March, one that I'm still getting over, and as a result I haven't felt that funny, and so I've not been actively seeking out gigs.  I've also been not very well, suffering a recurring throat and chest infection which has been playing hell with my voice, and to add to the problems, I seem to be getting more of my fair share of stomach problems.  Added to that my Parents have been having health problems, which hasn't

So all in all, I'm a little bit down in the dumps which is why the funny hasn't been appearing as often as I'd like here.

It hasn't all been doom and gloom though.  The last "Standup Workout" was a triumph against adversity, and I'm looking forward to starting again in September.  I've started learning German, this time on a one-to-one basis, and I feel I'm beginning to make progress.

But the thing is, we get hit by debris from Space all the time.  Most of it burns up in the atmosphere.  But anything big enough cause problems is being tracked by NASA.

Except for Planet X. 

Planet X, or “Nibiru” is supposedly in an eccentric orbit which will cause it to approach the Earth, stopping our planet’s rotation and causing a dramatic reversal of the magnetic Poles, causing utter devastation, invalidating the warranty on your iPhone, and thousands of complaints to Compass manufacturers.  The reason given for the fact that we haven’t discovered it is that it’s apparently sneaking past all the astronomers by coming in under us, from the South Pole,  the crafty little fucker! 

Now, I don’t know if you keep up with Astronomy, but at the last count, according to the NASA Exoplanet Database, we have discovered 538 planets orbiting other stars.  Now none of these are visible to the naked eye.  Something as big as Nibiru (around 4 times the size of the Earth) in our backyard is going to be visible to the naked eye, so the chances of it blindsiding us are pretty small.  Something that size is going to have a fairly noticeable gravity field and would effect the workings of the Solar System.  We’ve got a pretty good knowledge of how gravity affects things in a Solar System.  That’s largely how we worked out where all the extrasolar planets were.  Plus, the majority of Australian Astronomers are considerably more savvy than was depicted in “Supernova”, so I think they’d pick that one up pretty quick, as well as knowing the difference between God and Jon Pertwee.

So who is it that started all this “We’re going to get flattened by another planet” stuff?  Apparently it’s a woman in Wisconsin who was visited by aliens, who installed a communications device in her head.  I hope she doesn’t have to change the batteries very often.  It could get messy. 

That’s the thing about extraterrestrials, isn’t it?  Can’t phone you up or send you an SMS, or just send you an alien communicator via the mail, they have to perform messy and complicated surgery on creatures who probably have a considerably different metabolism than their own.  And while they’re at it, they might as well have a bit of fun by doing you up the arse with a machine. 

Now, lets ask ourselves which is likely to be true : extraterrestrials travelling thousands of light-years to implant high-technology communications in some hick from the backwoods, with a little time-out for some kinky bum-fun,  OR the woman’s a loony with an over-active imagination of David Icke proportions.

You’re right.  The Aliens win every time.

I used to live near to one of the gayest streets in Cologne, and that's saying something, as Cologne is considered the gay capital of Germany.  Initially it was a bit of a surprise, as I come from a quiet corner of Staffordshire, and I'm straight.  My first contact with this was due to St.Christopher Street day way back in 2000, when the gay community built a large stage on the street in front of the Polizei Präsidium and proceeded to have a very loud celebration.  After about two hours of "Aloha Köln!" blaring out, I went down to see what was going on.  What was going on was gay Cologne camping it up and having a bit of fun, including couples having the occasional peck on the cheek.  The stage show wasn't half bad, either, being fairly witty and well-performed.  I watched for about an hour, had a couple of beers and went back.

The fact was forcibly brought home to me that I'd gotten used to it when my parents visited, and we walked back up to Heumarkt from my flat one night.  Walking down past a gay bar, my father was visibly shocked by two men coming out of it and sharing a kiss, and this wasn't exactly a chaste peck on the cheek, either.  Later on, walking back the long way from the banks of the Rhine, we passed a gay sex shop, with a large leather harness in the window, complete with a fastening that went around the male genitalia.  My mother asked, quite innocently, what it was for.

I told her it was for men who really wanted to make sure the condom wouldn't slip off.

I couldn't.  £40 was an enormous amount in those days, especially if your pocket money was only just £1 per week if you were lucky. However,  I managed to get my hands on one by borrowing it off a friend.  I already knew BASIC because of access to the School Tandy Model I Level I, but here was a chance to actually code stuff in my own time.  The summer holidays were spent typing listings into the tiny machine, only to see all the hard work disappear due to rampack wobble and overheating.  I eventually discovered you could avoid both by getting a tub of ice-cream out of the freezer and balancing the machine so the rampack hung over the side.  Doubtless this was the beginnings of the "supercooling" PC tuning brigade, but it was forbidden by my mother after they discovered that reheated and frozen ice cream didn't taste very nice.  Plus time was limited, as my sister would want to watch Television, and as we only had one in the entire house, then time had to be allocated.  Added to that that saving a program to tape and hoping it would reload was, at that time, pretty touch-and-go.

Nowadays, not only do I have a separate flat-screen monitor built in to my laptop, which is quite capable of emulating the ZX81 in software, at faster speeds than the original hardware, but I also have a computer built-in to my TV, which can also quite happily read and display high-resolution video from USB sticks and hard drives, as well as downloading it off the Internet itself.

Sometimes, though, I miss those days.

But not much.

German men come from miles around to experience the unique beauty of the "Kölsche Mädels" and to try and drunkenly shag them.  For this reason, during "Weiberfaßstnacht" the town is overrun by ugly German women searching for drunken German men. Hence the traditional cry of "Alaaf!", which, roughly translated means "Shit!  Wrong Wallpaper!"

Senay, Manuel Wolff, Christoph Rummel, Brad Bowen, James Allen, Lars-Josef Klemmer and me!  In German!

It's going to be great.

A Telephone (let alone a mobile phone!)

A Colour Television, and video tape recorders for the home were an unbelievable dream.

Central Heating.

Internet.(Computers were big things that sat in air-conditioned rooms and ate punched cards.)

A Record Player.  We didn't have one until about 1974.  Tape recorders were large, heavy reel-to-reel things.  Cassettes were expensive.  All we had was a Bush Transistor Radio.  That was it. (Interestingly enough, it survived until the mid-90s, even though it had been partially melted.  Long story.)

TV for more than 7 hours per day (it started at 4, and went on till 10:30) and only three channels.

Banks only opened 9 - 4, and forget weekends, internet- or phone-banking.

Everything, and I mean everything, closed half-day on Wednesday.

Everything was also closed on Sunday.  Even the pubs.

Holidays were one or two weeks in a tent at the seaside in Wales, in a Morris 1100 that could only be relied on to break down when it was really awkward.  No bucket seat shops, budget airlines or foreign travel.  It took months to apply for a passport.  Passport, what's that then?

Only kids wore jeans.  Men either wore suits or overalls to work - the more daring would try and get away with a sports jacket.  Women wore dresses.

Deodorants were a new thing.  Most people didn't have daily showers, and bathed once a week. 

Don't give me all that "it was better then" rubbish.

Terry Jones apparently used to live in Cologne for five years, where he preached regularly, and was largely ignored.  I'm frankly amazed he didn't succumb to an aneurisym during one of the Christopher st. day parades.

Like most Priests, there was an official ceremony to "install" Father Mc in the Church.  Perhaps that's where he got the idea for the kitchens, being a bit keen on installation himself.  Anyway, this lead to the arrival of various members of the Catholic Church, including, I believe, the Bishop of Birmingham himself, all in big cars.  The party afterward must have been a "Bring a Bottle" party, because they certainly did.  Several of them brought crates.  I reckon about a week's worth of Tullamore Dew's production walked in there.

The installation got underway, and, after a while, all the Priests appeared in their finest robes, and solemnly walked around the grounds, waving those things that they burn incense in.  They solemnly visited all four corners of the ground, and the installation was complete.  We know the installation was complete because they then ran, hell-for-leather, back to the Rectory, ripping their vestments off as they ran.

Then the Party began, and didn't stop till three in the morning, with next day a work day, which meant that there were more than a few phone calls from non-participatory locals complaining about the noise.  We guessed this because at about 2am in the morning, Father Mc, somewhat the worse for wear, came out and stood, with assistance from a convenient lamp-post, and berated the locals (ie us) with the sort of language you don't normally expect from a Priest (with the possible exception of Father Jack).  Something along the lines escaped his mouth about "taking you on with one hand behind his back".  It was then, apparently, that my father appeared at his bedroom window, and very slowly and deliberately got dressed. 

Father Mc, seeing the error of his ways, made a tactical withdrawl.  You could see the brown marks on the pavement for weeks afterward.

By this time, we'd pulled into Friesenplatz, so I left the train, and jumped back into the next carriage.  Unfortunately, he had followed.  I could hear him working his way up the carriage toward me, going on about the French for Tortoise.  At the Hauptbahnhof I jumped off the train again and ran upstairs.  This time, he didn't follow.  Making sure the platform was clear, I came down and caught another tram, all the time looking over my shoulder just in case he'd followed me.  I got to the concert without any further problems, but, just to make sure, I left directly after we'd finished playing and went home by taxi.

Not a pleasant experience, but definitely stand-up material...