Stevie Caldarola

The Good Place – What Does It Mean?

Stevie Caldarola — Sun, 02 Sep 2018 19:25:57 +0000

As per usual, I put on light TV shows in the background when I’m working around the apartment. Today, I had a moment watching this episode of this show (The Good Place, Season 2, Episode 12). I’ll get back to that in a minute.

My life has not been one that anyone would classify as incredibly hard. I grew up in white suburbia with no fear that there would be food on the table for every meal (whether that was true or not, my parents always provided and there was never any cause for fear otherwise, so I couldn’t say.)

I grew up on western thinking, the “American Dream” (nice suburban home, white picket fence, 2.5 kids, the dog, job of choice, etc), and a penchant towards perfectionist and successful overachiever. And for awhile, that sustained me. Childhood was good.

There was always a part of me that was a dreamer. I dove into fantasy books head on, escaping reality. I loved art, whether fine or performance or whatever, really. That developed even further when I went to college for theater design. There was so much more to discover, and it felt more and more “right”.

After many years of working hard doing the thing I love for little return and without the ability to afford to live in New York City as a self-sufficient adult, I burnt out. Since then, I’ve been on a path of twists and turns, a roller coaster that has moved me across the country three times and seen me through a new job every year of my life, all while still completely burnt out. Unable to focus, properly contribute to my fullest degree, or to really experience living.

This is the path of the “American Dream” for most. Even when I think of it in regard to the immigrants who came to this country to give their children a life of freedom, they worked themselves to the bone on minimum wage just to get by, and probably didn’t get to even see much of their children’s lives as they grew up. This is what society’s ideals sell here in the United States – a mediocre existence with the hope of someday breaking through to “The Good Place” (which on Earth I take to mean whatever existence would be your most comfortable existence).

In the episode I mentioned above, (spoiler alert, please don’t read this if you don’t want to get a glimpse into the Season 2 finale) Eleanor ends up back on Earth and gets saved from her death. She then decides to become a good person, which seems to go well at the start. She becomes nicer: telling the truth, apologizing for her terrible acts, quits her Ponzi scheme job and joins an environmental group, and even becomes a vegetarian.

As I watched this, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. Not a happy tear, but a sad one. What?! Why would these good acts inspire sadness?

As I’ve gone through my life journey, I’ve experienced a lot of resistance and, to be honest, people who have done some things that have led to bad effects on my life (of course, there have been some amazing helpers, too, not all fall into the first category). These experiences have lead me to a path of self reflection and learning, and I’m grateful that I’ve had the outcome reaction that I’ve had, although it certainly did take many terrible times before getting there. And still, I am burnt out.

Over the past few years, I’ve come to a place of better understanding of myself than I’ve ever had before. It’s a fantastic and scary place to be. To be “awoke”, in this society, is a blessing and a curse. Healthiness, consciousness, creativity – it is something that seems like it would be all rainbows and sunshine, right? Sometimes, I feel better than I’ve ever felt before – connected, powerful, helpful, and more fully stepping into who I am as a human being.

Those days are still pretty few and far between. It’s a full life change, to follow this path that I’m discovering I was meant to take, and have probably taken before in previous lives. And it’s really tough to not only make a full life change, but to do it in American society today. The majority of us are in this – we’re burnt out, unhappy, and unsure what to do about it, but don’t even have the time to really think about it. Or, if we do have the time, we instead take the easy way out, binging on fantasies of what could be instead of doing the hard work to make it happen for ourselves. Our collective energy is so burnt out and sour that we fester in it because we don’t know what fresh, clean air smells like anymore. We indulge ourselves in the quick and easy because that is all we have space for.

Eleanor spends about six months trying to be a good person, and then things start to deteriorate. People don’t care about the environmental cause, she gets thrown out of her apartment for telling the truth, and she’s tired, poor, and burnt out. She’s living in a society that’s pre-prescribed for her to fail: one where it’s easier to make more money if you’re shady, it’s easier to ignore the hard stuff just to get by, and it’s easier to become isolated because you are so worried about the survival of yourself (and maybe your tribe).

Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like if we all were simply born knowing exactly who we are and what we were to become, and there were no “societal norms” or “peer/family/whoever pressures” to get in the way of us simply stepping into those roles. Would burn out not be a thing? Would we have less issues facing our health, our planet, and our society? Would we be bored?

Sometimes, I fall down a rabbit hole of wishing I had learned about paganism and eastern philosophy and healthy eating and so many other things long ago, before I burnt out, when I could more readily consume it, memorize it, and practice it regularly. It’s a feeling I’m learning to recognize, honor, and work through, yet another item to add to the list. The ironic thing here is that there are so many people out there capitalizing on ways in which to become “woke”. I get it: they have to pay rent and purchase their necessities and comforts, too. But where does one draw the line and stop making lists of things to do to get “woke”, and simply just be it?

I don’t know what the answer is here, or even a question, or really even what I’m trying to achieve by writing this. Maybe I just needed to get all of this off my chest, or maybe to connect with others who are going through a similar experience. While this became more ramblings then a structured post, I think the pieces are all relevant to each other and unstructured rambling is very fitting of the thoughts swirling around in my brain at this precipice in my life.

Most of the time, there is no one magic potion. There is no one band aid. There is no one chance meeting that immediately changes your entire life. Change most often takes time and a lot of work. It is met with resistance and challenges and fears and sadness. And, when you’ve already been burnt out for years, there’s not much to hold together against those blunt forces.

What I’m hoping is that, as I go and make these positive changes towards stepping into myself, the blunt forces will help rub off the charred carbon, returning me back to a human being. Sometimes I see glimmers of it, and sometimes not. All I can do is keep breathing and trying and allowing tears when they need to release the sadness, as well as celebrate the days when everything aligns and I’m truly, contentedly me.

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Swan

Stevie Caldarola — Mon, 26 Mar 2018 01:51:03 +0000

Illustration by Angela Werneke, courtesy of “Medicine Cards” by Jamie Sams and David Carson.

“Little Swan flew through the Dreamtime, looking for the future. She rested for a moment in the coolness of the pond, looking for a way to find the entry point to the future. This was a moment of confusion for the Swan, as she knew that she had happened into the Dreamtime by accident. This was her first flight alone and she was a bit concerned by the Dreamtime landscape.

As Swan looked high above Sacred Mountain, she saw the biggest swirling black hole she had ever seen. Dragonfly came flying by, and Swan stopped him to ask about the black hole. Dragonfly said, ‘Swan, that is the doorway to the other planes of imagination. If you want to enter there, you would have to ask permission and earn the right.’

Swan was not so sure that she wanted to enter the black hole. She asked Dragonfly what was necessary for her to earn entry. Dragonfly replied, ‘You must be willing to accept whatever the future holds as it is presented, without trying to change Great Spirit’s plan.’ Swan looked at her ugly little duckling body and then answered, ‘I will be happy to abide by Great Spirit’s plan. I won’t fight the currents of the black hole. I will surrender to the flow of the spiral and trust what I am shown.’ Dragonfly was very happy with Swan’s answer and began to spin the magic to break the pond’s illusion. Suddenly, Swan was engulfed by a whirlpool in the center of the pond.

Swan reappeared many days later, but now she was grateful and white and long-necked. Dragonfly was stunned! ‘Swan, what happened to you!’ he exclaimed. Swan smiled and said, ‘Dragonfly, I learned to surrender my body to the power of Great Spirit and was taken to where the future lives. I saw many wonders high on Sacred Mountain and because of my faith and my acceptance I have been changed. I have learned to accept the state of grace.’ Dragonfly was very happy for Swan.

Swan told Dragonfly many of the wonders beyond the illusion. Through her healing and her acceptance of the state of grace, she was given the right to enter the Dreamtime.

So it is that we learn to surrender to the grace of the rhythm of the universe, and slip from our physical bodies into the Dreamtime. Swan medicine teaches us to be at one with all planes of consciousness, and to trust in Great Spirit’s protection.

If you pulled Swan, it ushers in a time of altered states of awareness and of development of your intuitive abilities. Swan medicine people have the ability to see the future, to surrender to the power of Great Spirit, and to accept the healing and transformation of their lives.’

-An excerpt (description of Swan medicine) from Medicine Cards, by Jamie Sams and David Carson

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What Does “The American Dream” Really Mean?

Stevie Caldarola — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 19:59:17 +0000

From Wikipedia:

The American Dream is a national ethos of the United States, the set of ideals (Democracy, Rights, Liberty, Opportunity, and Equality) in which freedom includes the opportunity for prosperity and success, and an upward social mobility for the family and children, achieved through hard work in a society with few barriers. In the definition of the American Dream by James Truslow Adams in 1931, “life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement” regardless of social class or circumstances of birth.^[1]

The American Dream is rooted in the Declaration of Independence, which proclaims that “all men are created equal” with the right to “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”^[2]

You know what I find interesting about the above paragraph? There is not one single direct mention of money. At all. Ever.

Sure, the words “prosperity”, “success”, “social mobility”, and “richer” have all become linked to money. However, if you look at the core of each of those concepts, none specifically HAVE to be related to wealth.

[Author’s note: Click the “social mobility” link above and it will take you to the “socio-economic mobility” Wikipedia page, which “refers to the movement of Americans from one social class or economic level to another”. From that page, you can then click to the actual “social mobility” page, which defines social mobility as “the movement of individuals, families, households, or other categories of people within or between social strata in a society”.]

Prosperity comes from the Latin word prosperous, which means “doing well”. Success is defined as the “accomplishment of an aim or goal”. To be rich is to have plenty; to have abundance.

What if, instead of centering on monetary wealth, the American Dream was meant to be centered on quality of life?

“Well, Stevie,” you might say, “aren’t the two synonymous?”

I really don’t think they are.

The middle class majority is being squeezed out here in America. People are working harder, longer hours, and seeing less return. We are expected to work when we are ill, leave those we love to die alone so that we can afford to take care of those still living, and to keep our phones nearby during our rare off hours. Often, we live paycheck to paycheck, even when “gainfully employed“.

That, to me, is not the American Dream.

What does it mean to have a better, richer, and fuller life?

When asked about the American Dream, so many Americans answer that they view it as the opportunity to work hard so that your children can have a better, richer, and fuller life. What does that look like?

Does it look like spending less time with your children so that you can pay for the ever ridiculously growing price of higher education which is now the standard requirement for job applications?

What if we are focused on the wrong outcome when we seek the American Dream?

What if, instead of focusing on making more money, we focused on making more community, quality of life, and living through experiences with others? What if “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” really simply meant having the freedom to work to live, instead of live to work?

I’m not advocating laziness. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t have to work hard. What I am saying is, how would life be if we worked hard for experiences and community instead of working hard for money and things. Would we even need to talk about work/life balance? What would our society be like if we saw happiness in ourselves and each other instead of in material goods and inanimate objects?

How would this country change if we re-frame how we think about the American Dream?

What do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this – use the comment box below to weigh in on the subject.

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DAILY INSPIRATION: How to be perfectly unhappy by The Oatmeal

Stevie Caldarola — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 19:34:06 +0000

I love The Oatmeal (by Matthew Inman). He pretty much always hits it on the mark for me, and especially with this post about the “journey to happiness”, it’s as if he wrote a story about my soul. If you are one of my kindred who understand the word below, click through the link to read the whole post. (Not fully posted here out of respect for the author, who deserves hits on his super awesome website!)

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The Mosh Pit Microcosm

Stevie Caldarola — Mon, 29 Aug 2016 14:41:55 +0000

The other day, I attended fourth- yes, fourth- music show I’ve ever moshed at. I am no mosh expert. I should also say that I am a 31 year old female, which is not the main mosh demographic. However, I have been both a participant and an observer.

At this punk-ish show that I attended, (Chuck Ragan/Frank Turner and the Sleeping Souls/Flogging Molly, for those curious souls) a full mosh pit raged. It was fun and chaotic and, truthfully, a bit terrifying.

It was just like that thing we call “life”.

What else is “living” except fun and chaotic and, truthfully, a bit terrifying. We aim to be constantly vigilant and yet let go at the same time. We have no idea what the future will bring, and yet we charge ahead.

In the next moment, I may get punched in the face by some poor guy who was simply pushed in the wrong direction and didn’t have time to pull his hand back (true story, this happened at the show described above). And, in the moment after that, as I fall back into a seated position on the ground while the world continues to swirl around me, that very same gent leans his full body over me while those behind me stop and form a wall to do the same. To me, the world continues in slow motion for what feels like forever while these complete strangers form a barrier to protect me from being trampled and hold steady against the swirling tide until the guy gains his footing and is able to pull me up from the floor.

In a heartbeat, the moment is over, and we all head back into the fray and continue our separate journeys. And, when the music ends and it is all over, we hug. We appreciate each other: the bruises, the experience, the much needed release.

Isn’t this life? At any moment, accidents happen. Your life can change in a heartbeat, whether by your own hand or by others’ actions. You may fall down. You may need help. Wouldn’t it be great if we all acted as we do in a mosh pit when this happens? If we all stayed aware of those around us, even while we are zoned into our own experiences? If we formed those barriers around those who needed it most and helped to pull them up from the ground so they can continue on their journey? Wouldn’t we want them to do the same for us when we needed it?

Moshing is aggressive, sure, but it is also vulnerable. You are entrusting your safety to those around you – including the inevitable giant wall of a human that always makes his way into a pit. Strangers are only strangers until you make a connection. Sure, the world is a scary place. Some people do bad things. Isn’t that all the more reason to work on spreading mosh pit philosophy of civil vigilance and responsibility in tandem with self expression and abandonment? Celebrate being you while you’re still you and, in the process, don’t stand for others being held down while they do the same.

I may be an idealist. I may be hoping for something that seems ridiculous to the powerful majority. However, in a sea of crashing bodies and smiling faces, I know who I am and that I belong here, in this very moment, lost in myself and the music; connecting with comrades I’ll never see again but with whom I will forever share this story.

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Legos and the Rise of the Boxed Imagination

Stevie Caldarola — Mon, 22 Aug 2016 21:39:34 +0000

Do you remember having Legos as a kid? I certainly do- I had a big plastic yellow suitcase full of random brightly colored bits of plastic. I remember the anticipation I would feel every time I opened that thing- what would I create today? For me, it was often houses- I took pride in fitting the doors and windows properly into the randomly colored walls.

The best part of my Lego experience was not having boundaries (except, of course, for the limitation of quantity and shape of pieces). I could make a moon rover. I could make an apple pie. I could make a disco ball made of cheese. My imagination brought my creations to life.

After relaying my love for Legos, I was gifted some lovely sets for my 30th birthday. These sets are lovely collections of pieces- starter kits that allow you to make a bunch of small things (flowers, a crocodile, a train, and more) by following the instructions in the included booklet.

Which, of course, I did. Over and over again.

Now, every time I open the big, yellow, plastic Lego shaped container that houses my Lego pieces, I go in with the anticipation that I felt as a child…

I can make anything!

Once I’m in, however, I’m overwhelmed by the choices. Where do I begin? What should I make? Do I really have all the proper parts to fit together into that ambitious a project? How long will this take? I should make dinner soon. Did I feed the cat? …and so on.

And then I find myself reaching reaching for that damned booklet and getting my quick fix in a perfect creation that I didn’t put any thought into.

Where did my adventurous creativity go? Why do I waste so much time thinking about mindless drivel and less time doing satisfying things?

As adults in this crazy, fast-paced, instantaneous world we live in, we are working longer hours, doing more tasks at all times, and inundated with information. We are expected to know everything, be everything, and do everything. In majority, ours is a world of templates and box kits where speed and quantity are rewarded over ingenuity and quality. Along my journey into task lists and time tracking, I’ve lost my ability to let go and just… imagine.

Just… imagine.

Lately, I feel as though my brain functions as it should much, much later in my life cycle. I’m on auto-pilot, trying to make sure to be able to check off all the tasks before they are due. I’m addled by multiplying mundanity. It’s been an effort to turn the corner toward freeing my imagination. It’s an effort I’m very willing to make.

The imagination is a muscle needs exercise. Take the time to simply sit with a blank piece of paper and a pencil, zone out, and give in to whatever ends up on the paper. It doesn’t have to be a win every time.

We are not robots. We are not computers. We can’t always be measured in data and statistics and put into neat little categories. That’s part of the power of being a human being. Break free of the boxed sets and instruction booklets. It’s the only way to truly set yourself apart from the rest. Allow yourself the time to let your mind wander and process all of the information it is constantly gathering. Instead of chasing deadlines, change the game. We’ll never know what may be stirring in there just waiting to come out until you do.

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Daily Inspiration: Stop Trying to Be Somebody by Jon Westenberg

Stevie Caldarola — Fri, 04 Mar 2016 15:52:52 +0000

I needed to read this today. I’ve been go- go- going lately and it’s wearing me down. This article came to me at just the right time in order to remind me why I do what I do, and to keep making things. I strongly suggest revisiting these words periodically, which is what I will be doing in the future.

Photo by Greg Rakozy

“Life Is About The Shit You Do Every Day.

Following your dreams, living your life is about getting up in the morning and going to work. It could be art, it could be music, it could be your own business. Work could be a stage, a studio, a swanky office or your bedroom, but it’s always work.

It’s got nothing to do with what you call yourself, or what your lifestyle is like. It’s all about the shit that you have to work on, and accomplish every single day. That’s what matters, because that’s how you get somewhere.

If you’re concerned with chasing the lifestyle, trying to take on the persona and gain the trappings, you’re missing the point. You’ll never make anything worthwhile, because making something isn’t even on your radar.

The irony of being completely focused on being, rather than doing, is that without doing — you’ll never be anything…

…If you want to actually do something, you’re going to find a great deal more satisfaction. There’s so many opportunities to do what you love, when you’re not worried about who you’re trying to be, or what lifestyle you think you should have.”

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Daily Inspiration: Live Fast Die Old

Stevie Caldarola — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 14:57:38 +0000

It’s time to start up the Daily Inspirations and Fight Songs again friends, because, really, who doesn’t need that in their life? 2015 was the year of suck. Not just for me, but for many whose paths I crossed along the way. I can’t promise that 2016 will be any better. That’s just the way it is, we never know the future. However, I’ve got some hope in my heart and nothing to lose.

Although the audience in this video is standing sadly still, to head to a Frank Turner concert now is a crazy experience of life affirming energy. I assume that much of FT’s music will be my 2016 Battle Cry, but this one, especially, has stood out to me recently.

LIVE FAST DIE OLD

POETRY-OF-THE-DEED – 4:16

I bought my soul back from the devil,
And now I’m keeping it all to myself.
I’m checking myself out of the program,
Because I know what’s best for my health.So why live the dream like you’re running out of sleep?
I’m not playing to pass time, I’m playing for keeps.
We only just started and you’re throwing the fight.
You’d rather burn out than fade away.
Well, why not both, I plan to stay?
So let’s do this once and let’s do it right.I used to act like none of this mattered,
And I used to say, “I didn’t care”,
That we wouldn’t be doing this forever,
But then the truth is that I was just scared.So you put up a front to protect yourself,
But if we’re down on the floor, why get back on the shelf?
You can’t change your outfit once the night has begun.
We’ve still got the fuel and we still have the fire,
So me and you, Jay, let’s never retire.
Let’s keep on making mistakes till we’re done.

It won’t last, so be bold.

I’m going to live fast and I’m going to die old,
Going to end my days in a house with high windows
On the quiet shores in the South-West.
So you sort the tunes and I’ll bring the beers,
And on my seventieth birthday I’ll see you right here,
And together we will watch the sunset.

There’s no one in my coffin, there’s nothing in my grave,
And I’m tired of being damned, I’d rather be saved.
We can never sell out because we never bought in,
And if they build it back up then we’ll swing back through town
And burn the whole thing down again.

It won’t last so be bold
Live fast, die old
Choose your path, show soul
Live fast, die old

-Frank Turner

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Daily Inspiration: Editing as Punctuation

Stevie Caldarola — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 16:11:23 +0000

“I don’t know about you, but I want to be surprised by editing.” This video essay by Max Tohline is an interesting look at editing and how it can be used for more than just a mode to move along the story.

Editing as Punctuation in Film from Max Tohline on Vimeo.

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On the Importance of Reboots and Mental Health

Stevie Caldarola — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 03:16:33 +0000

You know what I think the world really needs right now? A reboot.

No, I don’t mean the annoying movie trend that just won’t seem to die.

In my short time on this digital era earth, one of the more important things that I’ve learned is the importance of reboots. If you don’t reboot your computer, phone or tablet every now and again, it will crash. Ending and restarting the thought processes of the machine is essential to keeping the machine working properly.

Why then, do we not hold the same truth as a standard for our own brains? For our own lives? For our country, our systems, our world?

Instead, we keep adding processes. We keep expecting everything to happen faster, better, and at the same time. We hold ourselves to harder and harder standards.

Today, during my lunch break, I decided to leave my computer and head out to a local cafe for lunch. I wanted to unwind, clear my head, and just be.

I was amazed, as I sat and stared out the window, at how many groups of business people sat around me, talking in pushed, angry or sarcastic tones about business, business politics, making money, and how to do more. Young, old, male, female – it all was the same. And none of it matters. I mean, I guess it does to them. But isn’t it weird that it’s all they talked about? That this is where we, as human beings, have brought ourselves?

[On a sidebar – Wouldn’t it be strange if humans had continued to barter instead to turning to a currency system? What do you think life would be like? Discuss amongst yourselves…]

The world is a scary, angry place. It always has been – I mean, we’ve all been killing each other for ages. The difference now is that we can do it rapidly and without any warning. And we are inundated with information and stressors and pressure, pressure, pressure. You’d think being more aware of each other would be helpful and lovely and we’d all hold hands and sing kumbayah, wouldn’t you? Instead, however, we’re given bits and pieces, which increases tension, and we don’t really have the time to do the deeper research, because we’re all trying to keep up with the Jones’.

Now, of course, this is all a generalization. There are those who damn the man, and those who take the time no matter what, and those, and those, and those. But, especially in this country, when it takes the average worker 7 months to earn what their CEO earns in an hour, the majority of us who just want to get by are still screwed. We live to work, instead of working to live.

Could it be that we need a reboot? A way to stop the spiraling processes that are leading toward the system crash in order to start them again in a fresh and new way? Would that even be possible? I think it could, if it was focused in more on a smaller scale to start with.

I heard a radio spot the other day (I want to say on NPR, because that’s usually what I listen to when I’m listening to talk radio, but I may be wrong about that) about how we are driving ourselves insane, literally. Because of the hustle and bustle and digital-ity of our everyday lives, we are constantly firing the fight or flight reaction in our bodies. It’s throwing us off balance and increasing our chances for mental health issues. And yet, we just can’t stop. We’re addicted to our phones. We’re addicted to Facebook. We’re addicted to terror porn newscasts that are written as entertainment instead of for educational value.

I challenge you to get this reboot process started. Tomorrow, at some point in your day, take however long you feel comfortable with (at least a minute, please) and turn everything off. Sit, or stand, or move, or dance, but don’t force yourself to do anything. Let your brain go, recognize your thoughts, write them down if you choose (pen and paper please, no screens). Be with yourself, whatever that means for you. Stop the processes and let them start again.

If you are a business owner or a boss or a person of some sort of power, and you feel any change within yourself from this exercise, carry this over to workplace. If you are a human being and you feel any change within yourself from this exercise, share it. Encourage others to do the same.

Do what you can to get the reboot revolution going. Change the way we think about ourselves and our lives. Can we get back to a place in which the goal of work is to be able to live, not to have? What would that do? Would it be helpful? Are we too far gone?

I’ll think about those questions tomorrow after my reboot.

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