Stick It Up Your American Dream

Only this...

2015-12-08T12:48:00.002-08:00

credit: Boss Tweed

could make Hillary Clinton seem sensible and moderate.

It's not easy...

2015-11-28T11:39:00.002-08:00

credit: Mason Wendell

...and, in fact, there's still a lot of PR work to be done in jockeying to be the official drink of the Antichrist.

He kept rereading the damned thing...

2015-11-26T11:29:00.002-08:00

to try and find where it said you couldn't be Muslim in the United States.

Leaders of Gog & Magog?

2015-11-24T15:51:00.000-08:00

"Listen. Let me be clear. There's only room on this planet for one of us."

I'd wipe my butt with the Constitution

2015-11-20T08:55:00.000-08:00

credit: Gage Skidmore

if it meant I could make more money.

What?

It's just paper. It's not even nice paper. It's cheap.

Either way, don't get so excited. I prefer toilet paper, but I'm just saying...

You'll stand just like this when the other army shows up

2015-10-26T03:30:00.000-07:00

and they'll stand good and tidy just like you. Naturally we'll let them take the first shot, then it'll be our turn. By God, we might lick 'em this time.

Margaret's hernia made it nearly impossible

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to hit the high note every. single. time.

You boys are going to be so much happier

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to get off the land, get settled, and start being Americans. It's gonna change your life. I've got two words for you: Betty Crocker.

I had my girlfriend over last night

2015-10-24T19:16:00.003-07:00

credit: Jimbo Wales

and me and her pretty much solved the federal budget crisis in just under an hour. It's like, duh, Obama.

To get the dream house, he worked hard, took an extra shift, forced his wife to find a better job, hardly saw the kids,

2015-10-23T20:36:00.002-07:00

and then he died a little earlier than expected.

Donald Trump is a piece of trash

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credit: Gage Skidmore

..but then again, so are the rest of us.

It started as a party trick

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and ended as an experience for the community:

I published many great books, then I got old and I died

2015-10-19T19:08:00.004-07:00

You will too.

With all this talk about terrorism

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I'm sure glad we had some relevant literature in the bomb shelter.

Yeah, I know you know that we send weapons to ISIS

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but if you knew what I knew and how I came to know it, you'd understand that I'm doing what's right.

It's 7PM...do you know where your cat is?

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Let's get serious. The predators are real.

They Asked Me To Do Larry David Years Ago

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And I said, Hello no!

My Servant Almost Reminds Me of My Husband

2015-10-15T20:45:00.002-07:00

Who was, if you'll remember, the first, first black president.

To Everyone Who Says I Couldn't Have Read the TPP As A Senator Because It's Secret

2015-10-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

I'll let you in on a little secret. I helped plan it while with the Council on Foreign Relations.

Oh Glorious Cookies & Cream!

2015-10-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

It's Hillary's favorite ice cream.

If Bradley Manning is guilty of espionage...

2013-07-31T00:09:00.003-07:00

then so is this guy:

and this guy:

By God, you've got the fighting spirit of George Armstrong Custer

2013-07-30T15:11:00.001-07:00

but you just can't grow a goddamned mustache

You mean I'm the enemy?

2013-07-29T18:25:00.002-07:00

You mean I'm guilty of treason?

People will come to see the Great American Pyramid

2013-07-22T23:52:00.002-07:00

So, let's get folks back to work!

"To all of my detractors,

2013-07-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

I want to push back on the idea that my head is shaped like a peanut."