A 105-year-old TX woman revealed the secret to her long life, bacon. Pearl Cantrell eats it almost every day and has outlived 3 of her 7 kids, as well as her husband. And, of course, she outlived all those pigs.

Reader’s Digest put out their list of the most trusted people in America, and at the very top was Tom Hanks, whom I stopped trusting back when he chose to make “Joe vs. the Volcano.”

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©2013, The Stiles Company, LLC

@TheStilesFiles

Dozens of dressed up CA teens traveled 40 miles only to discover they weren’t told the date of the prom was moved. The theme of the prom was “A Magical Night 2 Weeks from Now.”

A MN man claiming to be a member of Pink Floyd racked up $100,000 in unpaid medical bills. Staff knew it wasn’t true because when you played his EKG backwards, you didn’t get any secret messages.

If you like it share it. That’s how social works.

©2013, The Stiles Company, LLC

@TheStilesFiles

Norway has a job for you: 3 weeks in the Arctic wilderness looking for polar bears. You can’t have a gun, you have to scare them away with your voice. Oh, and you also have to wear a big white fur coat and lipstick to draw them out.

The woman who was once engaged to NBA star Jason Collins says she had no clue he was gay. Former WNBA player Carolyn Moos dated him for 7 years. Of course, she was also stunned to hear some WNBA players are lesbian, so her judgment’s a bit off.

If you like it share it. That’s how social works.

©2013, The Stiles Company, LLC

@TheStilesFiles

For those who don’t know, here’s what you did. You were with your family having breakfast at Cracker Barrel, I assume somewhere near Knoxville, TN, when you saw an older woman eating alone. You said you felt sorry for her, and your family told you to go say hello. I don’t know if they were kidding or they knew you’d do exactly that.

You not only said hello, but sat down and wound up having breakfast with her. You found out her name was Anita, that her husband died of dementia in August after 58 years of marriage, that her church friends are her only “family,” and that she likes Cracker Barrel because it’s easier than a lot of places to eat alone. When the meal was over, you exchanged phone numbers.

I wish I could tell you that someone being that loving, empathetic toward a total stranger, and taking the initiative to do something about it isn’t “news,” or isn’t a story worthy of going viral. But sadly, it is. And considering your young age, and that the person you reached out to was a senior…well that makes it all the more newsworthy given how our culture erases the elderly.

Hopefully you’ve heard of the Beatles. Well they have a song called Eleanor Rigby that asks, “all the lonely people, where do they all come from?” I’ll tell you where they come from. They come from haven fallen through the cracks in a hard world filled with hard people. If they’re noticed at all, they’re regarded “somebody else’s problem.” But mostly, they’re lonely because they’ve been made invisible. But you, you have eyes that truly see, and that makes you a real gem.

We’re bombarded daily with stories of human atrocity that come from dark hearts. I suppose most people find those more interesting than inspiring stories, so that’s why we’re fed a steady diet of it. Cumulatively, all of these dark heart success stories can make a society downright despondent. Our definition of “normal” shifts and is compromised. So much so that what you did becomes “abnormal.”

You Erika are a heart of light. Thank God you’re here to combat what the dark hearts bring. You made an old lady’s day. The waitress said you made the staff’s day. Your basic kindness has spread, inspired, and given hope, because basic kindness has fallen so by the wayside. I beg of you never to “mature” out of your current approach to life and people. We need you around to teach us.

Unable to trade him, the Jets released quarterback Tim Tebow. Being canned by the Jets is like being told you’re not famous enough to be on “Splash.”

Jason Aldean filed for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences.” He was pictured kissing “American Idol” contestant Brittany Kerr in an LA club months ago. True “irreconcilable differences” would have been if he was caught kissing “American Idol” contestant Clay Aiken.

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©2013, The Stiles Company, LLC

@TheStilesFiles

Obama says they told their girls if they ever got a tattoo, he and Michelle would get the same tattoo.  The girls plan to outsmart him by getting tattoos that say “The Sequester Was My Idea.”

Koala numbers are plummeting in Australia due to chlamydia.  Hey, when a girl koala agrees to come over to your place for some eucalyptus leaves, you don’t take the time to ask her about her past.

If you like it share it.  That’s how social works.

©2013, The Stiles Company, LLC

@TheStilesFiles

When you and your hubby got pulled over by Atlanta cops, you had every right to be shocked, offended, confused, and angry. You said something perfectly valid. You looked that cop right in the eye and said, “Do you know my name?” You then went on to fairly warn him, “You’re about to find out who I am,” and “You are going to be on national news.”

Your approach to the situation wasn’t out of line…given the fact we made you a God. We make Gods of all you celebrities. Hell, we even make Gods of people who aren’t talented performers but who are relentlessly imposed on us via our TV screens until we know who they are. When you observe, year after year, that you’ve been elevated above other human beings by those very same human beings, it’s only fair and natural to assume you’re worthy of and entitled to reverential treatment. That’s our bad, not yours.

I’m not exaggerating when I say we make Gods of celebrities. It’s classic polytheism
. Your God is who you spend the most time reading and thinking about. Your God is who gets your tithe. Your God is who influences you. Your God is whose love you seek. Your God is who you’re most devoted to. Your God is who you worship with others. Your God is someone you want to tell everyone about. If you could see God or be in his presence, you’d feel special, euphoric, blessed.

Are celebrities not our Gods? We endlessly seek information about them. We’ll pay almost any price to see their concerts or movies. We get what they endorse. We seek their distant validation by believing the same things they do. We have a visceral reaction if someone speaks negatively of them. We talk to others about them and encourage friends to also find out how great they are. And wow, if we ever get to be in their presence, we have a physical reaction; our hearts race, our eyes widen, we feel more alive. We literally shove and scramble for a chance to touch them, certain it will somehow make us significant.

We…are…pathetic.

This modern celebrity polytheism simply couldn’t happen if our own lives weren’t empty and our own self-worth so low. We have far more knowledgeable relationships with the Real Housewives than with the woman next door. That rewrites the definition of “sad.”

Again, I’ll bet Reese is a beautiful person who wouldn’t have said what she said had she not been a little buzzed. But when your inhibitions are down, your true perceptions tend to come out. She didn’t ask to be a God. We pushed that on her. And like many other celebrities, she simply grew to accept it, and expect it.

You have to wonder what the real God thinks.

Taylor Swift is donating $4 million to the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum.  The only stipulation is she gets to open a permanent “ex-boyfriends I’m still pissed off at” exhibit.
(The Real Story)  

67-year-old Robert White died after getting several lap dances at a TX strip club.  And believe me, if you’ve ever tried to do a lap dance to “Taps,” it’s not easy.
(The Real Story)  

A NC man was bitten on the arm trying to corral an alligator using…a towel.  Forget the towel.  The trick is to preoccupy the gator by making it try to fold a fitted sheet while you strap its mouth shut.
(The Real Story)  

Breitbart revealed a 1991 promo booklet by Obama’s then-literary agency touting that he was “born in Kenya.”  Come on, if he were born in Kenya, Joe Biden would have already blurted that out already.
(The Real Story)  

Don’t be selfish…make a habit of sharing this with your friends, many of whom could seriously use a laugh.

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

The adviser that vetted Sarah Palin for John McCain said even though they lost, he stands by a “high risk, high reward” philosophy.  He suggests Romney pick Jennifer Aniston.
(The Real Story)  

350 lb. Bill Wisth is protesting a WI all-you-can-eat restaurant that cut him off after eating 12 fish.  They gave him 8 fish to go away, for a total of 20.  My God, Free Willy never ate that much fish.
(The Real Story)  

Topless dancers at the Crazy Horse nightclub in Paris have gone on strike, saying they aren’t being paid enough.  And do you really want to go see replacement strippers when they’re called “scabs?”
(The Real Story)  

A VA community is securing drug compartments in ambulances after a string of thefts of Versed, an anti-anxiety medication.  Apparently, trying to figure out why “ambulance” is written backward on the hood causes a lot of anxiety.
(The Real Story)  

Don’t be selfish…make a habit of sharing this with your friends, many of whom could seriously use a laugh.

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

Francois Hollande, who just took over as France’s president, had his plane get hit by lightning on the way to Berlin.  Socialist that he is, he publicly expressed regret that all other planes did not get equally hit by lightning.
(The Real Story)  

Henry Kissinger was given the full pat down by the TSA at LaGuardia.  None of the agents knew who the 88-year-old former Secretary of State was.  He immediately started trying to negotiate a ceasefeelup.
(The Real Story)  

A new type of “virtual colonoscopy” has been shown to be just as effective as standard tests, and you don’t have to prep with the laxative.  And if this method doesn’t do the trick, they’re going to start sending in aerial drones.
(The Real Story)  

A NY man had his friend shoot him in the leg with a rifle because he wanted to know what it felt like.  Could have been worse.  The conversation started out with the guy wondering how bad it hurt back when he was circumcised.
(The Real Story)  

Don’t be selfish…make a habit of sharing this with your friends, many of whom could seriously use a laugh.

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles