Still... A Work in Progress

Short Story of Provision

2013-01-28T16:40:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, I moved to Lancaster, PA, from the DC Metro area, got married and spent a few years continuing to climb a career ladder never thinking I would be giving it up one day. God has a funny way of changing the direction of our lives and...our plans. I was a little over a month from giving birth to my firstborn which was actually a month early. My world took a drastic turn. I started to question "my plans". I spent years thinking I would continue working after starting a family, although Tim was not so sure. He had been diligently praying for God to speak to my heart and that we would both come to the same conclusion separately. Suddenly, a lot of questions I somehow overlooked or hadn't been considering emerged. As a planner I was frankly caught off guard.

Faced with knowing if I were to quit, I would be done working until we were done having children, God started working on my heart regarding this "new" possibility of being a stay at home mom, something I had no intention of doing nor had I ever seen done. My parents were immigrants. They came and they put into practice that work ethic you so often recognize in people who come to America to achieve the American dream. I simply had grown up assuming I would work outside the home as well.

After much prayer on my part and battles with fear and concerns of financial security and my own personal identity, I resigned as a step of obedience trusting God for His provision. Somehow, Tim knew all along God would in His own way and perfect timing bring me to that conclusion, and he lovingly walked with me unto that end. I am so grateful that through patience and love he has taught me so much about trusting God by challenging me in my faith and self-sufficiency over the years.

I have been so blessed to be home, but it has required changes in our lifestyle that really were more of a game for us than necessity when we implemented them early on. And yet, even during those times, and there have been plenty, when the way we have chosen to live became a necessity, God in His grace had already prepared us. Those times have taught me what contentment with little and with much really means and has helped develop in me a mental paradigm shift in my thinking about material needs that has been tremendously freeing.

So, I began my new adventures as a stay-at-home mother, God began to provide in ways I hadn't anticipated. He changed my worldview, the desires of my heart and created a contentment that looked very different than I, with all my aspirations for the American dream as a first generation Greek, had expected. One of those provisions was a store a friend told me about called BBs. I had heard about it for a couple of years but never really thought it would significantly help whittle our budget, so consequently, I never ventured the 30 minute drive to check it out. But then a friend offered to go with me for the first time. Sometimes that's what it takes. I found, to my surprise, deal upon never-ending deal. Back then I was able to buy $150 in groceries there and things I could rarely afford in the supermarket, having it last for an entire month or more. I also discovered a Goodwill like none other. They had a massive bargain room and every piece of clothing, shoes, etc. priced at only .50! I never lacked. Clothes with tags, shoes brand new. I lived right by the outlets in Lancaster so many of the items looked as if they had come straight from the stores...many did. Between the extra work it took and time to shop at these places, I began realizing God had provided a job for me, and the time investment was really a matter of my role as my husband's helpmate in the stewardship of the resources God had provided.

Fast forward to 2009...(Mind you there is a huge God story in the interim years but I will cut to the chase for the sake of you who are reading as a courtesy to get to the info below :)! Right before moving to Illinois, I was sort of going through one of those panic moments. Not only were we leaving an area after almost 16 years, the people who were like family, and a beautiful spacious home in a neighborhood where neighbors felt like family, but I also had the sobering thought that I would have to find all my saving places again and not sure there would be any quite as good...To my surprise, I was actually right. I had hoped the Midwest was going to be more affordable than the East Coast. Housing seemed more affordable aside from property tax, but so much else has proven to be considerably more...I haven't quite understood or figure out why, but its just one more way God has shown Himself faithful to provide when it didn't look like things were going to be necessarily as "comfortable" as I was used to. You know, the kind of comfortable Christian life we all want but which rarely does anything to deepen our spiritual growth and development!

After determining we would be moving I started bringing before God my concerns for provisions on a daily basis. This was going to be no easy transition. But, I was struggling to remember what ought never be forgot, OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL! And with my growing faith and the faith of my husband which I more than once have leaned on to regain a vision for my own, I started letting go of the "what if's" - a planner's plaguing question. You see, I had not regularly shopped at a "normal" store on any consistent basis for over 16 years. To take the budget we were on and move to where I had to increase all line items by some degree or a great degree was disconcerting from my human perspective.

So before moving I did an enormous amount of research to figure out the lay of the land and where I might discover some hidden gems locally that would help my budget. Interestingly enough, about a week before we moved, I contacted a grocer in Wayne City, Illinois about 15 miles East of Mt. Vernon. I found the establishment on the internet. This place was called the Greenfield Grocery. It was on a list of what is often termed salvage food stores. I have included the link here. http://www.moneytalksnews.com/2009/04/16/salvaged-grocery-store-list/

During my "inquisition" about prices and how they compared to what I was used to at BBs, (poor guy, I subjected him to so so many questions), I discovered he was from Lancaster, and as God's amazing orchestration would have it, actually as a young Mennonite boy used to deliver hay in a wagon with his father to the Amish grocer at BBs when it was started out of a restructured old chicken coup back in the day. He later moved to a farm in central Illinois and told me he decided to open up a similar grocery in his area to supplement his farming income. I also learned he still regularly returns to Lancaster as much of his family is still there. Only God!

Okay, so can you just imagine what comfort this brought me. From that initial conversation, I told him, "Trust me, you will be getting business from Southern Illinois, because I will be sharing the well kept secret of this place with friends...and many!"
SO, here I go...the info many have been anticipating...I will do the best I can to provide you with info, but truthfully in the end, you just need to go for yourself. This place is quite a lot less insane than the one in Lancaster. I say that simply because we used to get people from all around the region, and I, along with many others, in an attempt to acquire as many packs of diapers and other highly sought after items, would wait in long lines with carts outside the store prior to opening...freezing, getting wet, braving the weather for the kind of deals there were to be had. And being an Amish place, there were only gas lamps for lighting in those wee hours, the aisles were narrow, and people's impatience often high, particularly during the holidays! They have grown and reproduced in the area so its a much different experience, but you will be facing none of that at Greenfield. The staff are precious Mennonite gals with such servants heart, always willing to help find and gather what you need...and trust me, I ask for much since I make it a monthly excursion. As an aside, if you are used to contemporary Christian music, there is some interesting gospel music playing...that truthfully I can't seem to label, you will just have to experience it!

Okay, onto other things you might want to know. First things first...for the sake of all you who are unclear with the concept of a Salvage Grocery store, following is a Wiktionary definition, since we all know how accurate they are.

1. What is a salvage grocery?

A store that sells food that has passed its coded sell-by date, has damaged packaging, or is otherwise unfit for the general retail market. However, if you ask me, it's simply a place of extreme bargains!

2. Where does the food come from?

"These outlets get their food from supermarkets that have to return groceries to their warehouses. A few of the reasons this happens is if the supermarket orders more items than they need, a case is dropped (lightly damaging the packaging for a couple of cans or boxes), items are overstocked because they're out-of-season, or even if the manufacturer changes the packaging or re-brands the item. All that unused inventory ends up at these salvage stores, where you can buy them at rock-bottom prices," says Melanie Pinola.

3. What should I be aware of before shopping at a Salvage store?

-All foods with passed expiration dates you find in the freezer are flash frozen prior to or on the date of expiration. This prevents the originating store from discarding good items. Not all food in frozen section requires flash freezing as it is not expired. So bear that in mind. Again, I repeat this often, in all my many years of purchasing food at salvage stores, I have had rare occasions of stale chips in bag but nothing that woud ever make me stop acquiring the deals.

-If you find something you really like and there is a lot of it stocked, that is no gaurantee it will be there next trip or even again. It all depends so if you have space and if you really think it is a good deal, buy as much of it as you have room to store. You won't be sorry! I used to buy organic unsweetened cranberry juice for health purposes that I find around here for about $8.00 for .75 and would end up buying over 10 at a time. Needless to say, I am less healthy than I used to be...and older!!!

-If you find only a few things of something you like, don't hesitate to kindly ask if there is more in the back. I along with a couple friends have found this to be a well asked questions with treasures to take as a result. But please be kind, these gals are so sweet and would do anything to help you out. They are part of the pleasure of shopping there.
-You will find dented cans, taped up boxes, and discontinued items. This is no place for the picky and finicky. If you so, you are probably better off spending what you do where you already shop. A mental shift needs to occur regarding what you are used to and what you need to do and what measures you need to take to get the deals and help your budget. Again, if you think of it in terms of stewardship and your role as helpmate, it might help that mental shift.

-Time will be required. You will find yourself looking through items that aren't normally there so as not to miss a deal on something you need...so allow for the time it will take. For example, driving up to Wayne City yesterday and back was a total of about 2.5 hrs. I spent 2 or so hours shopping leisurely, stopped at Aldi's to get some of my additional items I know are always less expensive there, and got home in time enough to let the poor pup out and pick up kids from school. It is a job in a very real sense.

-Carpooling is great if you have sufficient room. The way I do it, it pays for me to go alone because I only desire to go once a month. I spend the $10 or so in gas to get up there but I need almost the whole van to bring home my treasures! In my opinion carpooling makes more sense if you aren't planning on a ton. That way your friend will have room to sit somewhere other than under the dashboard! I think she'd appreciate that!

-If you don't find something you want or need, on your return trip I would make stops at Aldi's or Walmart there in Mt. Vernon. This will add to your trip time, but I assure you it beats running all over for what you need when you get back. Save time, hit it all at once.

-Fresh produce is available at Greenfield, but rarely will you find better deals on produce than Aldi's. You might find a good deal occasionally but it isn't the focus of the Salvage store necessarily to stock inexpensive produce. It is to sell the items they purchase in bulk from their suppliers. By the way, if we start frequenting Greenfield, they will likely increase their shipments which would mean more items, more variety and more deals...In Lancaster they got so frequented by so many from the reqion they are now, housed in a huge warehouse and continue providing amazing bargains! One of my dearest friends has the blessing of being a couple miles away!

-If you like a certain brand name you may find other off brands priced the same. Brand seems to make no difference so this is the regular generic buyers op to buy brand name products!

-Bread is readily available but again, I believe Aldi's has better prices or at least similar on sliced bread.

-They also stock toiletries, toilet paper, cleaners, etc. and a little of everything a regular grocer would carry! But they can be hit or miss...feast or famine on such products.

4. So...What kind of prices do they have?

-Here are some samplings from my recent trip:

Capri Sun 10/pack $1.59
Dressing 16 oz $.99
Baby food jars $.29
Kraft Mayo 30oz jar $1.79
Black Olives $.69/can
Quaker Cakes $.45
Chunk Pineapple 20 oz. $.45

They will also often fill carts with reduced price items. Now, keep in mind that is reduced from the already bargain prices they offer. SO, in all actuality you can end up leaving with a grocery bill that is 3/4 less than what it would cost you to buy the same products at Kroger. You may leave with more or less depending on when you go and what you find, but over all I am sure you will find bargains that will make the trip worth your time!
If you have any questions I haven't answered feel free to facebook message me.I will share whatever I know with you. This economy and life circumstances seem to have many looking for better deals. Perhaps as an unexpected consequence, we all have an opportunity to become better stewards. Hope this was useful and God bless!

No Matter What...2013

2013-01-01T01:06:00.001-08:00

Well, it's officially a new year! 2013! People have made their resolutions, kissed their loved ones, and have great hopes for a new year. Well, I would love to say I have made resolutions, I have kissed all my loved ones, and have great hopes for a healthy new year...but I haven't made any resolutions on purpose, am not with all of my loved ones (many of whom have passed), and have had great hopes for a few years that never came to fruition (well, if I am being honest and accurate, I have had MY idea of great hope for a new year). So, where does that leave me?

Well, I have been considering what my mother used to say (with a mix of Greek and English words) each year around this time..."If you can't look at your passed year and examine the ways you have been stretched and have grown or perhaps even failed, then maybe the experiences (good or bad) did not benefit you as they ought to have or were intended to." Since she passed away when I was only 21, I hadn't yet had enough life experience under my belt to understand what she was hoping I would grasp from that statement. But I do now!

As I look back on some of the past few years, I can honestly say they have been some of the most painful, difficult years of my life for a myriad of reasons, and for reasons that perhaps only God, me and my precious man will ever only fully know. Things I never dreamed would occur in my life...have occurred...and in no small way, the greatest fears from early in life came true, chronic health issues, financial surprises, and dreams shelved just to name a few. I only share these because it brings me to the point of this blog today...on the first day of 2013 - and that is this...NO MATTER WHAT, God will be glorified with or without my cooperation...and because He is who He says He is, I have great hope! I have seen God change me and stretch me through His grace and mercy in ways I would have never allowed myself to be stretched were it up to me. And, I am so glad He did! His grace in my life, every day and every moment, has altered how I see Him, myself, and others to such a degree that though there have been opportunities for what the world might deem justified anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness, by His grace, I feel none. I may at times still experience sadness, but I know in that too, I am more able to identify with His sufferings and His sadness over a fallen world. No. It doesn't feel good to feel sad, but it does feel right NOT to feel bitter and angry because of His grace.

When I graduated high school, I recall praying what I now realize was a very dangerous and risky prayer...but I meant it with my whole heart. There were three components to it and if you could just stop laughing long enough through the first two, you may find the last one interesting because it set a course for my life I have never regretted, regardless of how painful. I first prayed that God would release me from the bondage to hairspray. Yep, I said hairspray. Remember, it was the 80s! Cut me some slack! I felt I had become distracted with having to control every one of my curly hairs when curly hair was not so in vogue. The second one was that I would, after years of urging from my sweet mother, ease up on the application of cakey makeup - feel free to query my friends from high school if you wonder. I was not your natural mid-western beauty, but a dark harsh specimen of femininity doing the best I could with what God had given me. The third one truly surprises me. I honestly have no idea where I had the maturity back then to pray in this way, but by His grace, I did. I asked God to allow and do in my life whatever it took to mature me as a believer and follower of Christ. NO JOKE! How this one fits with the others...I am just not so sure, but there you have it. Interestingly enough, I didn't have to wait long for the maturation process to begin, and it began severely. My second year in college...my mother passed away, a long story in and of itself. Suffice it to say, losing a loved one, especially a mother and best friend, forced me to determine if I truly believed what I had always thought I believed...And so began a life long journey...

So, why do I bother sharing these somewhat embarrassing prayers of mine from back in the day? Well, I imagine it is because I have watched my life take turns I never anticipated, experienced things I wish I hadn't, and felt pain I never welcomed with open arms, and through it all...year after year...He has NEVER left my side. He has NEVER failed me. He has NEVER forsaken me. He has ALWAYS provided. He has ALWAYS loved me. He has ALWAYS watched over me. AND best of all He has NEVER left me just as He first found me. Being 45 I can say that through the years and with absolute certainty even when I have refused to recognize it, or for that matter like it, His mercy and grace through unexpected and unpleasant circumstances always deepened my walk with Him, taught me to trust Him more, and ushered me into a deeper level of faith I hadn't thought possible. Along the way and on many occasions, I was also blessed to see the miraculous. I've been beyond blessed with a mate who has such a gift of faith that even when I faltered and feared, proving myself to be weak and weary, He has always showed me by his example how to keep persevering in faithfulness (not perfection) and taught me that it is possible because of grace to continue loving, serving and giving first to our family then to others through the most difficult of times.

Difficulty, suffering, trials and hardship are not necessarily signs of failure. Though, I suppose it depends on how you define success. If defined as the American dream or even sometimes how some religious/churched folk define it, you may feel discouragement, discontentment, and perhaps even despair. But what if like Laura's Song says, these circumstances allowed in your life are merely mercies in disguise? What if? I have heard many people in person, via social media, and even tonight on TV when the ball dropped in Times Square say how it had been a trying and difficult year they were eager to put behind them. Why? Well, probably because like most people I know they want to feel good, avoiding any pain and discomfort. And yet, if we put the year behind us without remembering what we were intended to learn from the events of the preceding 365 days, well, personally, I would consider it a wasted year. Our question at a year's end ought not be why? But rather, maybe we would do better to ask ourselves what did God show us of Himself, what did He teach us, and what did He intend for us to learn? That is where growth and maturity begin - in the kind of self-evaluation that does not end in discouragement but in increased teachability. These questions help us gain a heavenly perspective and enable us to see all things working together for our good because we love Him...even if they're painful. They help us to recognize that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven (Ecc. 3:1-8).

Like many others I have found myself labeling my years. Funny thing is, the label has been the same for the past seven years - FAITH. It all started when while praying with a friend. I prayed for greater faith and the ability to BELIEVE God, not just in God. I wanted that unshakeable kind of faith. Watch out! Guess what it takes for most of us to develop unshakeable faith? It often takes shakeable circumstances, and generally speaking, unpleasant, unwanted, and uncomfortable circumstances. God's delivered in answering and continues to answer that prayer. My faith has grown. His faithfulness is ever more evident. And yet...I know I have a long way to go.

As a family we have learned to define a successful year somewhat in these terms: To love God, submitting to and being found faithful in what He has called us to be and do regardless of circumstances, and to continue to love and serve those He places in our midst, extending the same grace to others that we have been freely given no matter the cost. As we reflect on all the uncertainties we have faced, the disappointments of life, and the losses, if we can look back on our years and point to great growth, even if painful (and what growth really isn't), then we can look once again to each coming new year with hope and anticipation because our hope hasn't been placed in our circumstances or the belief that if our circumstances were to change all would be well, but our hope remains in Christ and in the fact that through it all, it is HE who remains faithful, steady, present, behind us, beside us, and in front of us. Look ahead with great HOPE because you can look behind and see where He has loved you enough NOT to allow you to get too comfortable or to stagnate. And if you have been too comfortable, maybe it is time to pray that God would do whatever it takes to rock your world so you can know more of Him and His surpassing greatness in the year to come.

Just One Request

Dear Master for this coming year

Just one request I bring:

I do not pray for happiness,

I do not ask to understand

the way Thou leadest me,

But this I ask: Teach me to do

The thing that pleaseth Thee

I want to know Thy guiding voice,

To walk with Thee each day.

Dear Master make me swift to hear

And ready to obey.

And thus the year I now begin

A happy year will be -

If I am seeking just to do

The thing that pleaseth Thee.

Author Unknown

Captain America's Coveted Weakness

2012-11-30T07:11:00.000-08:00

Watching Captain America the other night with the family, we all stopped and discussed this quote from the character Dr. Abraham Erskine: "...This is why you were chosen. Because a strong man, who has known power all his life, will lose respect for that power. But a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows compassion." Perhaps the doubters, the insecure, the despairing and the ones who know themselves as sinners - better grasp the real awesomeness of the Gospel and its provision for their weakness when they are introduced to it in an unmistakable and life transforming way than those who our culture deems as strong and well-equipped. Just look throughout the scriptures, and it appears rather obvious who God chose to use and work through more often than not. And I might add, the strong and well-equipped just might have been called...Pharisees! Just saying. It's courageous to recognize and admit weaknesses and a need for help. It's then one is truly ready to receive the help so desperately needed.

The GOSPEL changes everything. Period! If we don't see our need for deliverance and the GOSPEL in a real desperate and continual sense, real heart change will elude us, pride may overcome us, and consequently, we may well miss the bigger picture . How can we share the true GOSPEL with others if we haven't yet understood what it really means for ourselves? Coming to the end of ourselves, our efforts, our plans, our strength and abilities, may just be the beginning of a genuinely transformed heart (the biggest miracle this side of heaven), and it may just be the most beautiful upset we can experience in this life. As author Tullian Tchividjian suggests in his book Glorious Ruin, "Our ruin may not ultimately spell our undoing. It may in fact spell the beginning of faith. And in the end, that is enough. Gloriously so." Surely, it's nothing we set out to find - struggle, hardship, suffering, disappointment, etc., but somehow, it finds us. When it enters our life, when we face various trials and feel we're facing our sure doom, we may just be in the perfect position to be wonderfully surprised by grace and all the Gospel has to offer.

I came across a sermon by Charles Finney from 1844. It's lengthy and rather weighty but see if you can grasp some truths from it. Read as you seek to understand why Paul may have said, "...when I am weak, then I am strong..."

___________________________________________________________________
The Oberlin Evangelist.

December 4, 1844

BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT *

Sermon by Prof. Finney.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."--Matthew v:3.

In several of the first verses of this chapter, Christ states the distinctive features of the Christian character, and affirms the blessedness of those who possess them. The text gives one of them: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

In this discourse I shall show--

I. WHAT IT IS TO BE POOR IN SPIRIT.

II. WHY SUCH ARE BLESSED.

I. What it is to be poor in spirit.

1. To have a realizing sense of our spiritual state. In this it is implied that we understand our own guilt and helplessness, and realize as a practical fact our own utter emptiness by nature of every thing good, and of any tendency to that which is good. It is one thing to hold this in theory, and another thing to be heartily sensible of the humbling fact. Most professing Christians admit in words that they are in themselves wholly helpless and destitute, but to know and feel as an abiding practical conviction that this is their true spiritual condition how few are able!

2. Being poor in spirit implies that we see in its true light the tendency in us to every thing evil--that we understand that the habitudes of our minds, that our appetites and propensities, that nearly the whole power of the sensibility continually tends to selfishness.

3. A realizing conviction of being shut up to the grace of God for help. I know people hold in theory that salvation is all grace, and suppose themselves not to doubt it; and I know too that very many of those same people do not believe it after all: they do not conceive it so as to realize the fact. Ask them--do you expect to be saved by your own works? and they will say no, to be sure. Are you shut up to the grace of God? Yes. But to hold it as part of your creed, and to realize it as God's truth, are two vastly different things.

4. A conviction that we are shut up to faith in Christ as the only possible way of obtaining help. This too is held in theory, and many suppose themselves to understand it, who yet do not really apprehend it at all. And let me ask, who that has come to a realization of this fact has not been astonished to see how superficially he once held the truth on this point? Who in such a case has not been shocked to see in how loose and heartless a manner all the truths respecting the importance of man were held by him--to see that his belief was mere theory, without ever so much as reaching the heart at all? To be poor in spirit implies a right sense of the fact that we are shut up to faith in Christ as the only possible way of obtaining help in our helpless condition.

5. A conviction of being shut up to God for faith--to the sovereign working of God's Holy Spirit, and the sovereign grace of God as manifested through Christ, to produce this faith. Not that it is not our own exercise; it is indeed, and from its nature must be, but we must be sensible that without the Spirit of Christ we shall no more exercise this faith, than we shall get to heaven by our own works of obedience to law. It is one thing to hold this as the doctrine of an orthodox creed, and quite another to feel it in our inmost being.

My own experience speaks strongly here. I was led to contemplate unbelief as a distinct sin, and its infinite guilt and inexcusableness. The question came--do you believe God as you believe men? Do you take his word and trust in his promise as you take the word and trust the promise of men? The answer was unavoidable--no, I do not. I do not trust God's promises as I trust man's promises. Herein was revealed and laid open to me my infinite wickedness, that I would not trust in God's promises and rest in them, even as firmly as I would trust in the word of men. I saw it now clearly. I saw the God-dishonoring, damning (for so I viewed it) the God-dishonoring, damning fact, that while I knew, and confessed, and saw clearly that God would not and could not lie, after all I did not believe fully and with all my heart. I would not take the word of the Mighty God as I would the word of frail and fallible man. And then, being led to perceive my absolute unbelief, I felt notwithstanding, that unless God pleased so to reveal himself to me, that I could throw my soul upon him--so to enlighten my mind and draw it to himself by laying open before my soul his goodness and truth as to induce me to cast myself on him by faith, I should sink. I felt that unless he would give me faith in him, I was as certain to be damned as that I existed. Now this is what I mean by being sensible that you are shut up to God for faith. But moreover, we must be willing thus to be shut up to God. We must not merely see the fact, but be willing to be thus. We must see that we are condemned and that justly, for not being right; and hopeless, helpless in ourselves, shut up to the sovereign love of God to work that which is well pleasing in his sight, and thus shut up to the sovereign grace of God by our voluntary wickedness.

6. A deep and abiding sense of the absolute need we are in of a Savior from our utter wickedness, helpless and just condemnation. The mind must perceive and feel its guilt in such a sense as to be sure that its salvation is out of the question, except Christ shall substitute his death for ours, a ransom for our souls; such a sense of our own vileness as to lay hope out of the question altogether, except through the sacrifice of Christ. O it is easy to say we are helpless and that Christ is our only hope and dependence; it is easy to recite for our creed--"I believe that salvation is through Christ alone and wholly." But how hard is it to see our vileness and guilt--our abominable filthiness, our loathsomeness, and our hopeless condemnation except Christ be applied to our souls in his offices and relations as Redeemer, Savior, Sanctifier, Teacher and King. How hard to know this as we know what we see and hear without eyes and ears.

7. Not only a sense of this dependence upon Christ, and helplessness out of him is implied, but a willingness to have it so--a willingness to cleave to Christ in all his offices and relations, a setting aside self, a self-loathing, a self renunciation in all respects, a casting away all hope in ourselves, all dependence upon ourselves, all trust in our own wisdom or righteousness, or our efforts at sanctification, and every thing else which is our own. These things are implied in poverty of spirit in the text. In short it is a correct view of our utterly helpless state, a realizing sense of that fact, and a disposition of soul corresponding to such views.

I come now to show--

II. Why those who are thus poor in spirit are blessed.

1. Because the kingdom of God is within them. The text says, "Theirs is the kingdom of heaven." They have already the first elements of the kingdom of God within them.

2. Because flesh and blood has never revealed this to them. Before, they might have had it as mere theory after the flesh, but if they have come to feel and realize their state in its dreadful aggravations, flesh and blood have not revealed it unto them, but God has uncovered with his own hand the deep vileness of their souls and undertaken their cure.

3. They have already surmounted the greatest difficulty in the way of their salvation. After Christ has provided a feasible method of salvation, so that God can be just and the justifier of him that believeth in Jesus, the greatest difficulty is to make mankind see their need of Christ. It is a great work to make men feel themselves hopeless, to humble them, to tear away their self-dependence and self-righteousness, and the notion of resources in themselves for any thing good. God is constantly engaged in bringing about this result. When a man has come to know himself and to renounce himself in all respects as to dependence and hope, then rely upon it the greatest difficulty is overcome, and the chief discipline endured.

4. It is the most painful part too. To slay him, to tear away the last fiber of hope in his own righteousness or efforts after righteousness, and burn in upon his soul a sense of his real abominable wickedness and hopeless ruin in himself--O this costs more trouble and patience and loathing of soul, and anguish of spirit than any thing else. How many times must he be infinitely ashamed of himself--so sunk in the lowest pit of shame, as to abhor himself with unutterable loathing! How often be compelled in agony to exclaim--Infinite wretch that I was. How full of pride and of hell I was, and how little I knew it! To be mortified so many times in order to empty him of himself; he must weep, and agonize, and grieve, and despair so often; must undergo a perpetual dying--for it is indeed a perpetual dying, while passing through this process of having himself shown to himself. He sees this sin and that sin, is ashamed here and ashamed there, is mortified at every turn; he dallies with temptation, breaks his resolutions, and falls into shameful sins, and is vexed and angry at himself, and ready as it were to spit in his own face; he stumbles, and plunges, and flounders and falls, till at last all hope vanishes, and the soul lies down, weary and worn out by vain struggles, and gives up in despair. All this is painful enough; but once gone through with, the man begins to understand himself thoroughly, becomes poor in spirit, glad to renounce all self, part with his own righteousness, his own wisdom, his self-dependence, because they are nothing. When he is thus thoroughly crucified the most painful work is done. If he falls from this, then he must do his first work over; but let him keep in this state of mind, continue thus poor in spirit, and the rocks and breakers are well nigh past.

5. Because he has now come to be prepared for the application of the remedy for his disease. He is in an attitude in which Christ is best pleased to see him. The thing is effected for which Christ has been laboring. Heretofore Christ has been trying to crown himself upon the mind, but self has been a constant hindrance and this Christ has been belaboring with a continual stroke. Christ would knock and knock, but to use a homely figure, the mind has been brushing up, and brushing up, and putting things to rights like an untidy housekeeper, unwilling to admit him, and trying to put matters in a little better trim instead of letting Christ in forthwith, and saying--"Lord, thou seest what filth and rubbish are here." He is obliged to knock and keep knocking and to stand without till his head is wet with dew, and his locks are the drops of the night. The sinner is making preparations, and must become exceedingly righteous before he comes to be saved. But when Christ has convinced him of his own utter helplessness and that the more he tries to wash and cleanse his pollution, the more polluted he becomes, and that all he can do is only sinking him deeper into the horrible pit--then, then the soul is ready to receive Christ in all his offices and relations--to receive a whole Christ as presented in the gospel.

6. Because in a sense, such a person has already learned what the remedy is. He has learned to reject himself, and that his dependence must be utterly and forever on another than himself. He has learned how blessed it is to be nothing, to know and do nothing of himself, to be universally dependent upon Christ for every thing--for breath, for grace, for faith, for every thing; to have Christ his "all and in all."

7. Because they learn how blessed it is to trust Christ. They see such fullness in Christ, they do not wish any strength of their own. Their wisdom, righteousness, sanctification and redemption are in Christ, and they need and wish for none of their own. Christ is all they need, and they need nothing in themselves. They have them all in Christ, and they are willing and glad to have them in him.

8. Because they have learned how to be composed in the midst of all kinds of trials. They neither have nor seek any resort in themselves. They know in whom their strength lies, and who is their strong tower. They can depend on Christ for all, and they know he cannot fail them. But let me say,

9. Because they have no self interest. They have seen themselves to be perfectly destitute and worthless. They have no reputation to build up, they have no appetite that must be gratified, no passion that must be catered for, none of these to contend for or hold on to. They are emptied out, and every particle of self value is gone entirely. They labor not for themselves, but for Christ.

10. Because to be poor in spirit is to be rich in faith. Then poor in the proper sense, emptied of dependence upon themselves, then they are rich in faith. But I hasten to conclude with several

REMARKS.

1. It is easy to see what Paul meant when he said "When I am weak, then am I strong." Paul you know had a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to buffet him. He was at first very uneasy at it, and he besought the Lord thrice that it might be removed, but Christ told him his grace should be sufficient for him. As if he had said, "I shall not remove that thorn. I gave it to keep you under such a pressure of infirmity that you could never forget your dependence upon me." Paul then gloried in his infirmity. He says he gloried in infirmities and tribulations and persecutions, because they emptied him of himself, and made Christ his strength. They made him know his weakness and his strength. When he was weak in himself, he was strong in Christ. His trails kept alive a sense of his entire dependence, and thus prepared him to do all things through Christ who strengthened him.

2. To be poor in spirit, is to be in a highly spiritual state. Persons are often in a spiritual state without being aware of it. In my intercourse with Christians, I have often been struck with the sad mistake made in respect to what is a spiritual frame. Certain high wrought pleasurable emotions are often regarded as the highest spiritual states; whereas other states, which can exist only under a high degree of the Spirit's influence, are nevertheless not so regarded at all. Is this state, in which a man sees himself all empty and naught, shut up to God's goodness, shut up to God to make him as he shall please, a vessel of wrath or a vessel of mercy--sees how infinitely reasonable it is for God to deal with him thus; that it is just for God to consult wholly his own wisdom, and to consult the creature not at all, and that he lies in the hands of God as clay in the hands of the potter, for God to mold from the filthy lump a vessel of honor or dishonor as seems good in his sight; when he feels thus, and lies crucified and dead as to the least idea of self-dependence--is this a state of weak and low spirituality? Nay verily. Scarcely can there be a state of higher spiritual exercise than this. This poverty of spirit, total renunciation of self, is far enough from being a carnal state of mind.

3. This state of spiritual poverty is a very healthful state of mind. It is healthful to be laid in the dust, to be emptied, and stripped, and made naked and bare; to be laid in the dust and kept there. It is the only state of mind that is safe. Of a man who is kept in such a state, I have great hopes.

4. Certain forms or stages of this spiritual poverty are very disheartening. Individuals, when Christ reveals to them the depth, as it were bottomless, of their misery, and gives no such revelation of himself, and of his intention to do all for them as to give them a firm hope, feel greatly disheartened. There is such a sinking away from all expectation in themselves, that unless Christ gives them an indication of his love, and opens a medium of communication between himself and them, a state of great misgiving and anxious suspense will ensue. The mind comes into a state in which it does not rebel, it does not murmur or weary itself except in this; it does not see at the time, its acceptance with God. It feels that God would be just in casting it out, and it lies there with the eye fixed on Christ, and cries, "If God does not take me up, and by his self-moved goodness sanctify and save me, I am lost to all eternity." While there is nothing in the mind upon which it can seize as a present evidence that Christ is his, this self-renunciation and self-emptying will leave the mind in a state of despondency. I do not mean of despair. I hardly know how to express it; the mind is not joyful, nor is it in that agony which is the accompaniment of clear light and desperate resistance; but it is in despondency, in a kind of mourning--and perhaps that is what is meant by the "mourning" in the next verse--"Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted." The mind mourns when thus completely emptied of all self-trust, while yet is has no such hold on Christ as to feel assured of its interest in him. It mourns for sin, for its own madness; it mourns at the thought of being separated from God, it mourns over its lost condition. It is a state of most perfect mourning. If you have experienced it, you know well the state to which I refer. If you have experienced what it is to be driven out of self, and torn away from self, and crucified to self, before you had faith to lay hold on Christ and feel yourself set upon the rock; if you have every been emptied of self, having no longer any expectation of helping yourself, no more than of creating a universe, having no more thought or intention of trying to save yourself, or of doing any thing effectual for yourself, than of walking in mid air, or than of stepping upon the boiling waves, (for if you have been in the state, you no more thought of helping yourself than of going a journey to Europe across the Atlantic on foot,) having it well settled in your mind, that you will no more succeed in doing any thing in your salvation, than you would succeed in walking from the top of a house into mid air, if you have been thus, and at the same time the offices and relations of Christ were not so revealed to you as to enable you to avail yourself of them, then you know the mourning which I mean. It is any thing but a worldly sorrow, any thing but an ungodly sorrow. It is a sorrow after a godly sort which worketh life. And remember--a man needs to be thoroughly emptied of self in order to come into the state of mourning above described. Most have so much self reliance, so much complacency in self, and know so little of themselves, that they cannot have this state. It can be produced in no other way than by showing a man his character and nothingness as they really are. But I remark

4. [5.] Such seasons as these very commonly precede and are the prelude to great spiritual enlargement. Where you witness great spiritual enlargement, inquire and you will find that in proportion as it is deep and abiding, the season of spiritual poverty was thorough and complete. If the sense of poverty be slight, the enlargement will be so, and the opposite. If the enlargement be great, the man can tell you what none but spiritual minds can tell; such experience as "none but he that feels it knows;" and the things that he will tell you will be any thing but unreasonable. He sees what common eyes never saw. He has found out what all men ought to know, but what few have seen. If his enlargement is abiding, he will have a rich history to give. He may not be communicative, but fish him out, get at the bottom of his heart, and he will drop his eyes and tell you what he found in himself, how he found himself out, how he sank, and kept sinking from one depth to another still lower, till it was like sinking into the bottomless pit itself. He was driven from the last hold upon himself, the last link was broken, and he fell into the arms of Christ and was saved. And O, the salvation! Such a salvation is worth the having! But again,

5. [6.] Christ has no pleasure in causing this poverty of spirit only as it is the only way to get himself before the mind. In no other way than by revealing to us by bitter experience our own weakness and sin, can he make us renounce ourselves and cast our all upon him: and so he takes this way. And I tell you that no man can have a more important revelation from God, than this same revelation of self by the Spirit. And no man sees God in Christ, or apprehends Christ as he is for the soul, till he has seen himself--till he sees the old man and the necessity of putting on the new man.

6. [7.] These seasons of spiritual poverty are indispensable to holding on to Christ. See a young convert--young converts know little of themselves or of Christ. They run well for a time, but they must be taught more of Christ, and this they can learn only by learning more of themselves. Well, Christ begins the work in a soul. The convert was all joy, but his countenance falls. Poor child! do not scold him. He is sad; he dares hardly indulge a hope. What is the matter? He desponds. You encourage him to trust in Christ and rejoice in him. But no, that will not serve the turn, that does not remove the load. Christ has undertaken a work with him--has set about revealing him to himself, and the work will cost the poor soul many prayers, and tears, and groans, and searchings and loathings of heart. He prayed before for sanctification and he is astonished out of measure. He receives any thing in the world but sanctification. He prayed for the Baptism of the Holy Ghost, and he verily expected some beatific sight. He thought he should see the heavens opened as Stephen did. But instead of this, what a state! He seems given over to the tender mercies of sin. Every appetite and lust is clamorous as a fiend; his passions get the mastery; he frets, and grieves, and vexes himself, and repents and sins again; he is shocked, ashamed of himself, afraid to look up, is ashamed and confounded. Poor thing! he prayed to be sanctified, and he expected Christ would smile right through the darkness, and light up his soul with unutterable joy. But no! it is all confusion and darkness. He is stumbling, and sliding, and floundering, and plunging headlong into the mire, till his own clothes abhor him, and he is brought to cry--"Lord, O Lord, have mercy on me!" He expected--O what a fairy land! and he finds--what a desert--barren, dark, full of traps, and gins, and pitfalls; as it were the very earth conspiring with all things else, to ruin him. Child, be not disheartened; Christ is answering your prayer. Cold professors may discourage you, but be not discouraged; you may weep and groan, but you are going through a necessary process. To know Christ, you must know yourself; to have Christ come in, you must be emptied of yourself. How will he so this for you? If you would but let go of self--if you would but believe all that God says of you, and renounce yourself at first and at once, you might be spared many a fall; but you will not, you will believe only upon experience, and hence that experience Christ makes sure that you shall have to the full. And now, mark: whoever expects to be sanctified without a full and clear and heart-sickening revelation of his own loathsomeness, without being first shown how much he needs it, is very much mistaken. Till you have learned that, nothing you can do can avail aught; you are not prepared to receive Christ as he is offered in the gospel.

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"I WANT...I NEED..." Do You Really?

2012-11-29T11:06:00.000-08:00

When you want something you don't have or miss, when things aren't going as you planned or moving as fast as you want, or when you are not in a comfortable place (health-wise or situationally), ask yourself what is really bothering you? In such times, I believe that the state of our heart is exposed as well as what idols we may have erected. Are we complaining? Are we whining? Are we impatient? Could God be orchestrating things behind the scenes, perhaps at a slower pace than we desire, but above and beyond all we could have hoped for? Sometimes, as I listen to conversations, I wonder if we have a stronger affinity for just being comfortable (no matter what we may profess to the contrary) than we do for seeking the deeper things, seeking to understand the real reason for our discomfort and welcoming it as a time of growth individually.

When we are stripped of things that bring us comfort, security, happiness and pleasure, when we face health issues or trials of various sorts and come to the end of ourselves, it is there we may find what truly motivates our words, our deeds...our lives and...hopefully, in the end, we will find where our true strength comes from, what really matters and what our true need really is. "The good news of suffering is it brings us to the end of ourselves...It brings us to a place of honesty, which is the place of freedom. Suffering leaves our idols in pieces on the ground..." from Glorious Ruin. It is completely counter cultural these days to think of suffering as a good thing...but if it strips us of all the peripheral, non-essentials and focuses us on Christ as our full and complete provision, there will never be a sweeter place...Are you really in NEED? Do you really WANT...HIM? If yes, then allow Him to peel back the layers and anything that would hinder your arrival at this sweet place.

In my most difficult, uncomfortable, uncertain and painful seasons I have found the most precious place of communion and times of knowing my Savior, the one who gave up every comfort and luxury...HIS LIFE...for my sake and God's glory. My prayer is that we would all ask the tough questions of ourselves and not fear the honest answers but trust as we submit to the process of sanctification, He who is ever faithful will bring us into a deeper walk with Him and a better understanding of ourselves and our NEED of Him, and consequently, an insatiable growth in our WANT of Him and His presence in our life!

Blessings!

The Highest Part of the Work

2012-11-27T20:02:00.001-08:00

If you have read my blogs before, you may find this one either refreshingly short or wonder why I have so little to say! Let me assure you, it is not for lack of desire or ideas that I am keeping this concise, but simply because I have not the time at this moment to develop what we have been particularly passionate about over the last couple of years regarding prayer. So I decided a little in this instance is better than a lot.

Throughout our many years in ministry, we have watched people drop in and out of ministry, get burned out and struggle with the burdens and concerns of others they have been called to shepherd. Why? It seems to happen all too often. The tyranny of the urgent superseding the important and one of those important things is...prayer! This is no small oversight. At various times we too have succumbed to allowing the urgent and demands of everyone to assume the priority place in our lives. About 10 years ago in a very difficult season, we came face to face with what many seldom are willing to admit. We were caught in the cycle of doing, doing, doing...mostly in our own strength. Doing what we were called to do, yes, but at the expense of "being". This was in our estimation a weakness we were determined to guard against from then on. ALL things we were called to do were to be bathed in prayer, whether or not we felt capable and confident. It was not our gifts, our talents, our will, our efforts, our desires or anything else that would get us to where God was leading better, more directly and with much less angst and frustration then praying and abiding in Him while being faithful in the moment. God could bring about through prayer and our willingness to obey and submit way more than we could by mere human effort and ability. Ministry isn't easy, but it's so rewarding. Ministry isn't about us or anyone doing the ministry, it's about Him doing His work first in us and then through us for His glory and purpose. Prayer keeps us humbled and always mindful of this, and prayer keeps us energized and strengthened to do His work.

Demands in all of our lives, whether in ministry or not, compete for priority on a constant basis. When I start feeling exhausted, tired, irritable and spent I start wondering, where has my focus been? Have I been seeking to do what I have been called to do in my own strength? Or have I sought to abide in the vine knowing it is the source of my strength and sustenance? I can usually see a correlation between less time on my knees and more time doing the doing. Doing is needed, but if it isn't coming from the outflow of my time spent in prayer, then it will eventually deplete me of energy and effectiveness to do the very things I am called to do through Him.

I have so much in my heart I would love to share on prayer, and maybe someday soon I will, but for now, for this moment, might I encourage you to spend time in prayer alone and with others. Having spent meaningful time in prayer today with a friend and sensing God's presence in our midst, I am overwhelmed at how God can re-energize, refocus, and replenish His children by time spent in His presence. My hope is that maybe, just maybe, someone out there would be encouraged to pray a little more and a little more intentionally and seek opportunities to gather more frequently to pray with others in the coming days!

Here are a few quotes by one of our favorites...Andrew Murray. If you can get passed the occasional old style English, there are some incredible insights and truths about prayer in many of his writings. Here are a few of them...

"If there is one thing I think the Church needs to learn, it is that God means prayer to have an answer, and that it hath not entered into the heart of man to conceive what God will do for His child who gives himself to believe that his prayer will be heard...I feel sure that as long as we look on prayer chiefly as the means of maintaining our own Christian life, we shall not know fully what it is meant to be. But when we learn to regard it as the highest part of the work entrusted to us, the root and strength of all other work, we shall see that there is nothing that we so need to study and practice as the art of praying aright...It is only when the Church gives herself up to this holy work of intercession that we can expect the power of Christ to manifest itself in her behalf." - Andrew Murray

Blessings!!!

Broken People by Sophia Buehler

2012-08-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

This was written by my daughter, Sophia as she sat listening to some kids share about their lives in class! I wanted to share what she was inspired to write because it is this compassion I believe we as adults often become deaf and blind to as we grow older and more consumed with me and mine - in a culture FULL of me and mine. I was moved to tears and well, maybe you will be too or at least you might be challenged to stop and listen. What you hear may wreck you...Let it!

Everywhere you go they are there. Broken people from broken homes. They try so hard to conceal it, yet we see them shrouded in darkness asking, "Why?" But their cries are lost in the wind unless… we are listening. They have not always been this way. Once, they were not shattered fragments of people. They were whole. One could almost see the happiness radiating from them. They were wrapped in vibrant, pulsating colors. Now, those colors have faded leaving only shadows of grey, like a bad memory haunting them. On the streets, in the bus, all around, we see them-their radiance dull and faded. We’ve been sent though. We have been sent to guide them back into life, back to the One who can restore all they have lost, all they have left behind and so much more. Shattered people destined to be repaired. They are broken but Jehovah Rapha will mend them. These are the shattered, broken people of today’s world.

When your ears are open you hear more. That is a fact. It is imperative that people who claim to live the cause, practice keeping their eyes and ears open for opportunities.

May - Forever My Month of Good-byes

2012-05-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

The month of May forever will be my month of painful good-byes. For as far back as I can remember, my life has been full of good-byes to places, and more importantly to people I have been blessed to love. This year this season of good-bye has hit me harder than it has in many, many years…

One of the greatest lessons I have learned as a ministry wife is to not allow hurts that can often come with the territory to keep me from continuing to love, invest and care for others, and even trust, yes, trust others. I’ve seen how the lack of such things has affected others and I have to constantly remind myself of the greatest call on my life - to love God and thereby actively love others. I have refused to erect walls, though the enemy would like to have me believe it’s a safer bet to do so. I have worked hard at not allowing opinions of others who really don’t know me or care to know me or my story to determine the distance I keep between me and others.

Three years ago we moved to our present location in the Midwest after 18 years in one location and over 25 years on the East Coast. We had developed amazing friendships and accumulated a lot of memories. Long story short, moving was extremely difficult. The friends we had knew us, our history, our children, watched our family grow, watched us go through our share of ups and downs in life and ministry, and…they loved us through it all.

One of the biggest blessings in our life has been the fact that everywhere we have lived we have left behind the kind of friends that we could easily and without effort reconnect with at anytime, not skipping a single beat. They became family. I will admit moving was frightening because it was like starting all over. It was similar to walking into school as a new junior high student or a high school/college freshman. No one knew us and sadly people can so easily establish opinions and perceptions from afar which are misinformed, incorrect. We were going to be outsiders, scrutinized from a distance. People didn’t know who we were, our history, things we had gone through…our story. And it is at this point I had a very critical choice to make. Either I would risk loving and trusting again in this new place or I would remain withdrawn and isolated. Here is the thing...One can appear loving. One can appear to invest in others. One can even appear to trust others, but in reality, one may just be playing with a poker face. Sadly, people are really talented at creating masks for protection or particular situations so as to not allow others in. Naturally, I am really bad at wearing masks. What you see is generally what you get. No poker face here. But, do I have the potential to be overly guarded? Sure. Everyone does. Glad to say less so as I age, yet starting all over again, I knew I couldn’t and didn’t have time to have my guard up if I had any expectation of developing meaningful life on life relationships…I needed them. It took me too long to risk dropping my guard and deconstructing my walls from the early years. I had no intention of doing that again. So my decision was made. I would ask God for discernment remaining open to loving others along the way, trusting that as I loved others people would see my heart for them and not my past hurts, that somehow God would bring precious people in my life for me to love on and be loved by. Glad to report…HE HAS.

So why did I start this blog talking about good-byes? Well, May has been the month of many goodbyes. The most painful one has been the good-bye to my mother and best friend 24 years back. God has been faithful to remind me and often of the amazing woman she was in life and how her legacy as a lover of others and selfless individual continues. Well, this month, I have another good-bye to add to the many others. This one is tough for multiple reasons. The past few years have been some of the most painful and difficult times in my life. Yet, in God’s amazing way, He brought a friend into my life who has been beyond a blessing – a true gift. She has listened, encouraged, exhorted, inspired, loved me with tear-felt affection, cared enough to get to know my story, laughed with me (with her beautiful laugh) and has held in confidence the deep things of my heart, a rare thing to find in this day and age when gossip abounds often under the guise of concern. I have trusted her. And in turn, I believe she has trusted me – a gift which she has given me…her trust. She has encouraged my walk with the Lord when all I wanted to do was give up on trusting Him through what frankly at times seemed unbearable. She encouraged me to keep loving, giving, serving, and persevering through her hugs, smiles, and kindness. I was brutally honest with her because I could be and she loved me still. She has held my heart so gently and lifted it up to the Lord on my behalf more times than I can recall. How? How did I deserve such a friend? That’s just it, I didn’t. Yet, my Lord, because of His precious love and care for me knew I, being human, required a trusted friend who would walk with me through a most challenging time in my life, being my Aaron (Exodus 17:12), holding my arms up in battle and as I continued to serve. He orchestrated our meeting and He has now…ordained the time of our parting.

My friend will be moving away. I am so happy and excited for her and her family. I am thrilled God is taking them to a place they love, a place where they can continue to have an impact for the Kingdom, a place where they can continue the disciple-making process by pouring into the lives of others who they befriend and encounter along their way. I pray that I brought something to her life as well that she can take with her and recall from time to time – and smile. I pray she remembers there is someone across the country adoring her, who is forever grateful for what she has given…a real genuine and trusted friendship, a rare gem, a refuge.

Dear friend, the verses below bring you to mind. I hope I have adequately expressed them all through the past few years during our tea times and the hours we have spent together. You are dear to many and the funny thing is…I also knew you would be dear to the many students you have cared for and for a season been entrusted with (I TOLD YOU SO) – I hope you have discovered things about who God equipped you to be by serving along with us. Watching you all grow as you have invested and been an integral part of the lives of others has been a great joy. As you head out to your next great adventure, I hope you know I will only be a phone call or text away…And though I have to say goodbye yet again to a cherished friendship, as a piece of my heart travels across this country, I know having loved you, I am the better for it. You have added preciousness to my life!

A friend is someone who understands your past,
believes in your future, and accepts you today.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 - True Friends Strengthen and Help Each Other
Proverbs 27:17 - Friends Shape and Sharpen One Another

Proverbs 27:9 - Counsel from a Friend is Pleasing

Proverbs 18:24 - Faithful Friends are a Rare Treasure

Proverbs 17:17 - Loyal Friends Love Through Difficult Times

Proverbs 20:6 - Reliable Friends are Hard to Find

The New Command...The Highest Call

2012-04-22T22:23:00.001-07:00

A few years ago I heard of someone who had coined the term, the “walking wounded” referring to pastor’s wives. Though I would like to believe it’s a misnomer, statistics prove otherwise. And if I am going to be honest, I admit that in more than one season of 20 years of ministry, I have found myself a part of those statistics. As weak as that might make me feel to admit, I wouldn’t trade any of those times. During the darkest and most desperate of seasons His love, His grace, His mercy, and His faithfulness were never more real. Strange as it might sound to some, those challenging seasons have been bittersweet to release because during those times of suffering, the level of intimacy, the constancy of His presence in my life, and the comfort I experienced were unsurpassed. Through them, my loving and patient Father grew and strengthened me.

However, I have been in ministry long enough now to know what could have become of me. Many of those difficult times were a result of wounding by another believer. It took a while but God was gracious and has over time provided multiple opportunities for me to mature in my aptitude for love. Had I opted to build walls, withdraw and refuse to continue investing in others in meaningful/transparent ways and ways far outside my comfort zone, I would have ceased growing in Christ. My faith would have stagnated. I would have played it emotionally safe. I would have been unable to grow in love as I tried to self-preserve.

Loving, I mean really loving others, is risky business, often uncomfortable, and maybe even downright dangerous. Any way you cut it, loving others is a challenge, especially when you have been hurt repeatedly. To genuinely love is to suffer. If we truly understand our identity in Christ and HOW MUCH He loves us, we know the risk of loving is well-worth the fear of getting wounded. After all, WHY did He go to the cross? Is His grace limited? Or infinite? Do we really believe what we say we believe and trust him like we say we do or do we choose to play it safe in our zone of comfort avoiding the messiness of loving? Pain and suffering, as unpopular as it is in our present “all about me” culture, is simply par for the course and part and parcel of a life that is first and foremost called to ABOVE ALL else love God and others…EARNESTLY. God will allow suffering often as a way of purifying our motives, keeping us from becoming proud and pleasing man so we won’t grow weary in what He has called us to do (Hebrews 12:3). Bottom line, pain is to be expected, not avoided. He has purpose in and through it if we have the eyes to see (I Peter 4:8, 1:22).

I don't have to tell anyone in ministry that it’s tough. It's painful. It's not a place to head if you want to avoid pain because frankly you are outright asking for a whole lot of it when stepping into vocational ministry - ministering to the very people who can hurt you because often they too have been hurt. Philippians 1:9-10 says, “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.”

Though we may be drained and times it may prove difficult, if we ask for a depth of insight, we can learn to love with amazing compassion and we can gain the eyes to see that something in others is broken - handicap - hurt. Understanding that hurt people hurt people is crucial. It frees us up to love. It gives us the right perspective and ability to have compassion, to understand, to pray, and to continue loving those who hurt us. It focuses on our part in the solution and leaves another's healing in the hands of their Creator. Oh, I can hear it now, “But you have no idea what so-and-so did or is doing?” I may not, and you may not know my wounds, but I know One who does and who has endured more than you or I ever will in ministry, no matter how painfully we have been offended or how great the injustice. What I do know is that He calls me to love, even the unlovable, even the seemingly impossible to love. In this life of mine, I have no higher call (you have no higher call) than to love….with no exclusions.

The personal cost of ministry is immense. It will never cease to affect us. Jesus knew this full well in the garden where the personal cost of his ministry meant his life for the LOVE of His father and us. His was a life fully surrendered, submitted. Should I desire to love any less? Ministry is a privilege. I believe it was never meant to make or keep us comfortable. In fact, I believe ministry was meant to be and ought to be UNCOMFORTABLE. It ought to drive us always to the next level of deeper love for the God we serve and those we have been entrusted to serve and shepherd. We in ministry have been given an amazing opportunity to demonstrate just how love CAN cover a multitude of sins as we learn how to love one another deeply, a love that is colored with mercy, grace and long suffering for those who have and will potentially hurt us. That’s a true redemptive community. When I think of the deep, painful wounds I have experienced in ministry, I can’t help but marvel at the all-sufficient grace of my God abounding in my life enabling me to endure and to continue serving, giving, and loving beyond my human ability to do so…and often, beyond my desire to do so.

I love loving people. I feel blessed to have a deep joy from passionately loving God’s people. However, though I would love to say I have never failed at loving those we have served, I have, and even perhaps, miserably so. I have experienced seasons when my hurts immobilized me and left me feeling temporarily incapable of giving anymore. But, the great news and one of the benefits of getting older and having more years on which to reflect is I don’t remain out of commission as long as in the early years of ministry. My resiliency, compassion, and determination have increased. As I have learned to continue giving of myself regardless of how I am feeling emotionally, God has given me the grace to turn my gaze upwards, trusting him more and resting in the assurance that He sees, He hears, and He knows my pain and is working behind the scenes perfectly orchestrating my story and weaving the test into a testimony for my good and His greater glory.

Over the years I have met many pastors’ wives who’ve been terribly wounded but who have become embittered and distrustful. I have struggled myself in the past with controlling my emotions, wrongly giving Satan that so desired foothold. What keeps me in check these days is remembering how bitterness deeply rooted in others has caused damage in their lives, and with its infectious nature, this bitterness has caused strife and division within the greater body. These observations have so deeply grieved my heart. I can’t even fathom how such bitterness among his children must grieve the heart of God. Hebrews 12:15 shows us that bitterness first of all has roots, and secondly, it has roots that spread and defile MANY - get that - MANY. A bitter soul builds alliances seeking to recruit others, often via gossip, who affirm their pain/opinions and in so doing can infect an entire community and bring it down in flames. There’s no such thing as a bitter person who keeps the bitterness to himself/herself. As ministry wives may we all aggressively guard against allowing bitterness to take root even for a night. Instead, let’s frequently and often take our pain to the throne and exchange it for the supernatural love of God. When we do and are enabled to love beyond our capacity to do so, we allow others to “see” God. We provide evidence of the transforming power of love to those around us (John 13:35).

If we live long enough whether in ministry or out, we will be wounded. It’s inevitable and there’s no escaping it. Most likely, we will also be the cause of pain in someone else’s life as well. So, what we do with our wounds matters. How we manage our wound care will speak volumes and say much about where we are spiritually speaking. Whether we nurse them or whether we take them directly to the throne will determine to a great degree the effectiveness of our ministry and…our husband’s ministry. As we serve we will be required to love without any expectation of return on that investment. We will be asked to forgive, perhaps the unforgivable. We will be asked to sacrifice all our rights and surrender all we tend to hold with a white-knuckled grip. So, how WILL we respond? We can do everything in ministry we are “supposed” to do and do it well. We can study to understand doctrine, debate theology, sing like a bird, plan events, develop programs, wax eloquent, and the list goes on…but if we fail to love, well, we can find ourselves categorized in I Corinthians 13 which says,

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (Emphasis mine)

If this isn’t a picture of love of a supernatural kind, I don’t know what is. This stuff isn’t easily digestible. We all struggle with various portions of this passage and with various people in our lives who come to mind as we read it. Yet, if we really get this thing called ministry, if we really are rightly motivated in doing it, then we need to consider a few things: 1) He won’t give to us what He can’t give through us 2) He won’t do through us what we’ve not allowed him to do in us 3) We will not love well until we KNOW we are well loved. If we stay in a state of fear, continuously constructing new walls to prevent any new wounds, we are not going to let God’s love accomplish His goal for us in our hearts. He needs us to mature in our ability to love, and He measures our maturity by how we love.

You might wonder as I have, “What does loving others earnestly look like?” I recently heard someone define it well - Loving others earnestly and above all is revealed by how we interact with others, treat others, and how and in what ways we prioritize others with the time, talents, and treasures we have. That is and will be the measure of our love for others. To the degree we allow God to enable us to love this way, our spiritual maturity is revealed. I am not saying I have arrived…far from it. There’s a reason I named my blog, Still…A Work In Progress. Being a work in progress, I can trust that until my last breath, he will continue to provide me with opportunities to love, over and over and over and over, etc. I can look at every criticism, every hurt, every opinion, every bit of gossip, as covered by His love. If we would just not forget to remember, He gives us the perfect love with which to love others, not our own puny, conditional, self-centered kind of love. God knows how to sanctify his people. He knows how much "self" He must purge from our lives. The very people who drive us crazy, who seem impossible to love, have been specifically assigned to us to complete a work God is trying to do in us. They are meant to bring out the worst in us, only to bring up and out the worst things in us. If we seek to escape the pain of the process (be the source people or circumstance), we may miss the blessing and reward of not only knowing Him more intimately, but loving others more deeply and experiencing the joy of loving.

Of the over 400 commands found in the Bible, Christ didn’t leave anyone guessing as to which two topped the list - the love of God and the love of others. Our Father desires so much for us to understand the enormity of these commands He rested all the others on them. Let us be sure as we go on day to day that we are not failing to love those who have hurts, those we have hurt, and those who have hurt us. Let us fulfill our calling to love keeping these commands first and foremost so that all else we do flows out of the wellspring of love. May we never be accused of having lost our first love like the church in Ephesus. May a lack of love never threaten the light of our lampstand and our testimony. May we never fail to love those entrusted to us, the ones who are easy to love and the ones who bring us to our knees. And if we find ourselves lacking, may we not tarry in remembering, repenting and returning to our first love.

"Do you know NOTHING in this life will ever matter unless it is about loving God and the people He has made..."
Francis Chan

Recommended reading - Crazy Love by Francis Chan
Highly recommended - When You’ve Been Wronged by Erwin Lutzer

Who's In Your Driver's Seat?

2010-11-15T09:31:00.000-08:00

Control defined: to exercise restraining or directing influence over (regulate): to have power over (rule)...

In the past few months I've heard the struggles of many women who have been working through diverse issues in which one common theme seemed to resonate – CONTROL. So, I have been doing some speculating. Is control considered by most a positive or negative? Do we periodically take the time to examine the reasons and motivations behind our perceived need for it or lack thereof? Or, do we find ways to creatively justify it's use by simply renaming it something culturally more acceptable, more honorable, and more admirable? How much control is spiritually healthy? How much is excessive? Do we really have control over anything anyway? Personally, I've been feeling a nudge from the Lord to reveal a little of my own heart’s journey in my quest for answers that began over 22 years ago. So, here is a stab in the dark hoping some of what I share isn’t all in vain but rather encourages someone else to trust ALL to the One who truly is in FULL control at ALL times.

Some years back, many now, I would never, ever have admitted to being what some deem as a control freak. While externally I was not what most people would consider controlling, internally there were areas of my life I felt a great need to exclusively manage, and somehow, I had convinced myself with enough effort, I could. At that point in my life I was quite self-sufficient, or so I thought! However, once I became a pastor’s wife, I was rather blindsided by the many unspoken but always present expectations congregants had of ministry families. As a young wife, mother and pastor's wife who was trying to figure out her roles, the pressure I experienced in raising a family and living life from within a glass house was incredible. Each misstep was open to public opinion, criticism, gossip and/or judgment. As a pastor’s wife, I was supposed to be impervious to criticism and each aspect of my personal life was open to public scrutiny. I was to be superwoman, super-spiritual and super-knowledgeable. I quickly came to the conclusion I was not as self-sufficient as I had allowed myself to believe nor did God intend me to be so.

It certainly didn't take long to start falling into the performance trap and subconsciously, somehow, control became the enemy's tool of choice along with a large dose of discouragement to keep me trapped. I didn't appear controlling, but I knew. I knew exactly what happened to me mentally, biologically, and spiritually when I began to feel events spiral out of my "control"...and what was worse was that I knew God knew, too! Oh, the mental gymnastics I participated in. They were all mere distractions meant to discourage and immobilize me - had I only been able to see it clearly then. My great efforts to control circumstances or perceptions were all seemingly harmless. I longed for guarantees and sought to line life up in just such a way so I could have them. But, I learned the hard way that some circumstances and perceptions were not meant to be controlled so much as they were meant to develop my character and make me stronger, individually and in the Lord.

It's nothing I intentionally set out to accomplish, being ensnared by deceit, but I had been. No one starts out with a desire to control every aspect of their life. No one proudly seeks the title of "Control Freak." After all, "those" types are impossible to please. No one aspires to grate on the last nerves of others, especially those they love and care about the most. Sound familiar by any chance? Perhaps you know some of these types. Maybe they're in your family, maybe you are married to one, or maybe you yourself seek to control circumstances, people, people's perceptions of you, or events. There are control freaks of all kinds. Some are aggressive, others are passive-aggressive with a bunch of other types in between! Some clearly obvious to the onlooker, some not so much.

But, labels are really irrelevant. Our culture seems to have a serious obsession with labeling. If you just break it down, the need to control is just symptomatic and rooted in sins of selfishness, idolatry or pride. So many grow accustomed to exercising unnecessary control in their life, they often fail to recognize it for what it is. It isn't because they choose to blind themselves to the root issue, but rather, the enemy has done such a masterful job of deceiving them. Generally, it's likely they may continue living as one deceived until reaching some point of crisis in their life that demands a change. It's a comfort zone of sorts to think as one has always thought, even if how one thinks is a result of self-deception. Breaking out of that comfort zone and transforming the mind must begin with exposing the lie (Romans 12:2).

Either God is in control or we are. Either He is allowed the room to work out His plans for our lives or we take control of our own lives with the limited perspective we have. (Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. Yes, indeed, we must exercise control over many things such as our tongues, what our eyes see, what we listen to, who we listen to, etc. However, what I am suggesting here is the need to inappropriately and excessively control people, circumstances, situations, perceptions etc. that do not require our control or that are beyond the boundaries of what we can control or should control.)

Though hard to admit, I am certain most of us have areas of our lives, both seen and unseen, which have not been fully surrendered to the Lord. And frankly, from God's perspective, holding onto those areas with a white-knuckled grip is indeed control and an evident lack of trust in Him. Is there any aspect of your life, i.e. life/death, marriage, parenting, work, etc. that you experience great anxiety over on a continual basis? If we're honest, I'm sure we'd all be able to identify some area which consistently seems to trip us up. It's in these areas we require more of God's perspective, and it is in these areas He desires our submission. Relinquishing control allows Him the freedom to work on our behalf in unimaginable ways. So you ask, "What's the big deal? Isn't some control an indication of orderliness, independence, planning, responsibility, etc. - things which are admirable?" I propose that they in and of themselves are good things, but when these good things seem to allow no room or consideration for God in the equation, when these good things drain us of our energy or when we attempt to manipulate circumstances to make sure things turn out as we think "they should", we have then crossed the line and have allowed these admirable traits to become our idols in a sense, thus elevating our limited understanding over God’s omniscience. In other words, we become our own little gods.

As a woman who never intended on being a pastor's wife and one who didn't particularly welcome the idea for some obvious reasons, I have seen how God has used this role to force me into releasing my own white-knuckled grip of various areas of my life. I used to feel a need to be completely self -sufficient. After all I was raised to be independent and throughout my life was commended for being so. I used to feel the need to bridge the gap between the misinformed perceptions others had of me because they did not really take the time to know me and the reality of who I knew I really was in Christ. I needed to know the end before ever embarking on a beginning. I wanted my A, B and C plan laid out and all my ducks perfectly aligned before I could freely choose a course of action. In so being and in so doing, I became my own idol, and not a very good one at that!

I don't need to sit here and give you the play by play on the journey that thankfully got me to this point, but I will say without reservation it has not been the easiest road to travel. I would love to say those feelings are completely a thing of the past and how I never see myself desiring to exercise unnecessary control in my life, but I cannot. Becoming a wife and mother has only made that more of a challenge! However, I am a work in continual progress and will be until the day He calls me home. What I can say in hindsight is that I can see I have come a long, long way - solely by the GRACE of God in my life. It was a process and a process that began with the awareness of my hang up.

Certainly, the process for me is not over nor will it be until my death. I am still in discovery mode and am often surprised at where and under what circumstances my "issue" rears its ugly head. With every episode God is allowing me another opportunity to eradicate the need for control in my life to be replaced with a deeper faith and greater trust in Him. To trust His control of the uncontrollable and the unforeseen I face on a day to day, minute by minute basis. Particularly as a mother I am ever so thankful for His control. Today, as my very eager and excited son ran out of our car and straight into a busy road, as I heard the screeching wheels of a large truck, and as I saw the confusion on my son's face, I am indeed once again overwhelmed and more than thankful that my precious son and the unforeseen, the uncontrollable, and the unpredictable events in my life are left in His mighty hands.

I'm beyond grateful for where He has brought me, what he has brought me through, and what he has taught me, even though it has not been the path of least resistance. The faith I hold today has been a direct result of having my hands pried open, not only once, but repeatedly. I've learned how to keep my hands open and trust Him more. Instead of making my plans and running with them or trying to make sure every little thing lines up just so out of some fear that things will not go as I desire or as I think is best, I have made my plans. BUT, I've been able to remain open to doors closing, to see God's hand in plans failing, to recognize His sovereignty in all circumstances, to know without a doubt He loves me and wants what is best for me. If I truly believe that He works ALL things together for my good (Romans 8:28), then even if my plans fail and things don't turn out as I believe they should have, I can still say my hope and trust rest in Him. What more could anyone desire in this life than to be loved in just such a way, to be cared for so thoroughly, and to have a peace that passes all human understanding - a peace that steadies one through even the most unthinkable of circumstances?

My journey is long from over but I remain certain of this...that though my occasional failures may be imminent, my eternal victory and success is fully assured. I know that He who began a good work in me will complete the work when and through whatever means He deems necessary. I, too, know that I can do everything He calls me to do in His strength for when I'm weak then I'm VERY strong. I'll have my share of battles...and do. I haven’t met a human yet who has made it through life without them. Yet, His grace is sufficient and as long as I believe WHAT He has said, I'll be able to move from trusting my own understanding of things to trusting in the One who actually gives understanding.

As I seek to have more and more victory over the need to control in my life, I'll subsequently experience an increase in the trust I place in Him. I will continue to renew my mind with scripture such as Phil. 4:4-7 that encourage me to..."Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let (my) gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. (Maria) Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present (my) requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard (my) heart and (my) mind in Christ Jesus." This is the path to peace sadly so many miss, and regretfully, I missed for many years.

Perhaps, the sooner we all learn to accept that life will, people will, and circumstances will disappoint us, the sooner we will figure out Who it is we need to trust and how we need to extend grace to others along the way who have yet to experience that trust. We need to remember our feelings and fears are not fail-proof litmus tests for truth, that our heart is deceitful above all things (Jerm. 17:9), and that there is only one source of true peace. We must recognize our attempts to control by using words and actions we feel justified to use are often less effective than allowing the Holy Spirit to make right the misguided perceptions of others over time (which requires patience and vast amounts of prayer). The sooner we learn to make plans with open hands and hearts so that in the course of our journey we can gracefully make the detours He may have in mind for us, the sooner we will rest in knowing HE's got us in the palm of His hand and loves us with an amazing kind of love! The sooner we will realize...ALL is well!

Even now, as I contend with things that are out of my control, things that are hurtful, and things and people that I can not change, I will choose to trust, relinquish my desire to control, and believe that He is my loving, sovereign Lord who has my best at heart and who will see me through. But merely stating it, however, does little to change the outcome. I must begin by believing Him and not in my ability to make things as I think they ought to be. My prayer is that we pray more, submit more, commit more and control less that which does not require our control. My prayer is that we all grow in our trust of Him and join those in the Hebrews “Hall of Faith.”

Thought to Share: If we would just get out of the driver's seat long enough to allow God to drive us to where He wants us to go, we might end up getting there faster and crashing less!

Where Have All the Letters Gone?

2010-10-30T14:14:00.000-07:00

With all the thoughts that typically fill my mind on a daily basis, I often wonder how it is I can manage to make any sense of them all, but for the most part, by the grace of God, I do. As I have walked with Him over the years, I’ve learned how to retrain my thinking through scripture, the counsel of my wise husband, and the fellowship of friends who hold me accountable. Still, sometimes my thoughts get hung up on what the “hubster” likes to call my very own personal “speed bumps.” Being overly analytical on occasion, I have seen how I can truly slow my own growth progress down, sometimes, way, way down. Fortunately, those speed bumps show up far less frequently then they used to.

Over the years, actually since I was ten, I have journaled and have accumulated volumes of notebooks chronicling my life during various seasons all the way through to the present day. In fact they account for much of what we currently pay to store. Developing that discipline for me has made those aforementioned “speed bumps” much more easily identifiable and thus, far less frequent. Through journaling, I have learned to transfer my emotions onto paper where somehow something amazingly cathartic happens. Attempting to do so through modern methods of communication such as email or text, well, just doesn't have the same effect as the writing that pours forth from my hand. I can’t quite explain it, but ask any person who journals and you will most likely hear how their perspective can change and clarity can emerge from mental chaos as pen is put to paper, when writing letters (prayers) to God and seeking His mind on their matters.

I don’t know. Call me old fashioned, a dope, ridiculously sentimental, but I think there is a very sad trend occurring today with respect to the written word. In general, handwriting seems to have become hopelessly outdated and too slow for our fast paced world. With all the media we interact with daily, the quick access of information, the emails, the texting, the phone calls, Skype, and any other method of communication I may have left unmentioned, I believe we’ve lost the art of writing, and in particular, letter writing. At first glance, this may appear as no great loss for all the advancements in communication we’ve obviously made. So many, advancements, in fact, our culture and the way we communicate has drastically changed in a relatively short period of time. However, stick with me a bit for a look back and consider whether ALL these changes have been for the better or if perhaps these changes will one day lead us to realize we've missed something valuable along the way.

Ever since earliest recorded history, much of what we’ve learned about past generations has been discovered through the early writings of man whether discovered in a cave, on papyrus, on the walls of temples and pyramids or in the attic of our grandmother's home. Recorded history has given us a window into the minds and lives of people who we would perhaps never had the opportunity to personally know.

Most profoundly, the one book that has changed more lives than any other book in the history of mankind, the Bible, is comprised of the writings, not just by one but many amazing individuals. Take the New Testament and Paul’s letters to the churches of Corinth and Philippi, etc. These letters carried such significance for early Christians. These letters delivered not only specific messages to each church, but they also carried with them hope, prayers, correction, and encouragement. In some respects, these letters were lifelines tossed to the recipients by a man who by all appearances ought to have had no hope. But Paul had tremendous hope, a hope coupled with great joy in spite of what he personally experienced. He was able to extend that hope and joy to others while in prison, not through a personal heart to heart but through…a letter. And, amazingly, those letters survived. If they had not, what would we know of Paul, of his struggles, of His God? Certainly, critically less than we do.

Now, consider history in general. I wonder what we would know of history, politics, or the social existence of our ancestors or other early civilizations if it were not for hand-written documentation, whether letters, journals, or other documents. I have read numerous first hand accounts from Civil War soldiers and their families. I am amazed at how their accounting of war so conveys the reality of man's internal struggle to make sense of killing other human beings. Letters with such a profound ability to evoke emotion that the reader is able to connect somehow to the writer and his/her experience. Then, consider also the amazing insight we have accumulated from personal accounts of war and its effects on the psyche. The personal accounts of those who have experienced the horrors and sorrows of war are innumerable. Many who were never quite able to tell of their experiences, and yet, were able to document it through letters, journals and private diaries. Does Anne Frank or Corrie Tin Boom ring a bell? Their letters pieced together portions of history in a very real and personal way, discovered and used to speak to generations of people of the horror of the Holocaust. And, their hand-written letters are but a few examples of the countless letters, journals, documents, and writings that have contributed to our knowledge of things past from every corner of the world and in so many different languages.

Personally, letters have opened up a door to my past that I am forever grateful to have. I am so blessed to have literally hundreds of letters and beautiful cards written by my parents over the course of a two year courtship that spanned the ocean and two continents safely tucked away in a hope chest. Artfully written in Greek, they tell of the history and love shared by my parents long before I came into this world. They tell of the thoughts and emotions they experienced and the treasure they forever found in one another, a love that never ceased. One day, I will have them all translated. One day, I hope to hand them to my children for a fuller understanding of where they come from. One day, I hope my children will enjoy discovering for themselves these cherished letters and the legacy they’ve inherited, their own connection to the past, one that modern, impersonal forms of communication could never offer them. Over the years these words, written by hand, will continue to reveal the passion and keep alive the memory of two people who received joy from the the same written words, one who wrote from the heart and one who received and cherished every word written.

Before my father died a few months prior to our last son's birth, we talked at length about many things. He had determined that each of my children, even my unborn son would receive a letter from him, even though he knew he wouldn’t be around to give it to any of them personally. He adored them and he wanted to leave them with all of the best hard-earned wisdom he had gained in his short life. So, day after day as I sat next to him and his IV machine, he dictated. He dictated a letter for his Princess Sophia, a letter for his Prince Immanuel and a letter for Carston, the grandson he would never know. I wrote and wrote. And, when we finally finished the very emotional process, I felt I had received a massive treasure, one like no other, words of my father from his mouth to my hand and onto a sheet of paper, a tangible piece of history for my children. From the heart of my father, a gift better than any other I could have asked him to give them…a gift that would exist long after he was gone. These are letters to live by, letters to cherish, letters to connect hearts across the generations.

Writing, journaling, letter writing….a lost art? No great loss at all? You tell me. When all is said and done, what will we be leaving our grandchildren? A password, an email account, or a URL? Or will it be something more? Something we have touched with our hand, something personal and perhaps private, something written from the heart and received with excitement by the welcoming recipient? How will our history, our legacy be pieced together and passed on to another generation? I can't help but wonder.

CHALLENGE: Take some time and write a letter from your heart today to someone who needs to know you care or are thinking of them! Give them an unanticipated blessing and surprise of
opening up a hand-written letter...from you!

Part II - Joyful Suffering

2010-10-23T17:40:00.000-07:00

I’ve been procrastinating lately which is not all that surprising for a recovering perfectionist. I have been trying to find just the right words to effectively communicate something I’ve discovered through the past few months. I have wondered whether or not I ought to proceed without having discovered those “just right words”. My hope is that the message will emerge clearly. And if not, then there is always the editing process…

After having addressed purposeful suffering in a previous blog, I began to consider verses in the Word which speak to joy in suffering. I have experienced my fair share of loss and struggles in life, but truthfully, at times I haven’t known just quite what to do with those verses or how to apply them practically speaking so I might experience the joy I so desired. I mean, it all sounded very nice, very admirable, and very uplifting, but a real understanding of joy in and through the journey seemed to escape me. I had always been able to find purpose and joy once I had passed through difficulties and struggles. However, during them, I regretfully admit, I'd been so focused on emoting, as most good Greek girls are, I couldn’t seem to experience sustained joy in the midst of the worst of times in spite of wanting to so very much.

It wasn’t until a few months ago when I began to experience a sudden and pronounced increase in chronic pain that my whole approach to hardship exposed a real gap between what I fundamentally always said I believed and what I actually did believe. I discovered my belief was somewhat of a theoretical ideal. For the past ten years and through God's amazing grace, I have learned to live daily with chronic pain so that most days it's simply been par for the course. Yes, at times and for a myriad of interconnected reasons, discouragement crouched at my door. And I suppose facing my future as a woman, wife, and mother with certain unanticipated physical limitations simply felt "unfair". It just wasn't part of MY plan. But...God had a plan...

God can heal. Period! God has healed me in the past, and I know He can heal me again, but let’s just say He chooses not to. What then? Will I begin to doubt Him, His love for me, His perfect provision? It comes down to an attitude, an internal dialogue and perspective we all have but seldom realize might be hindering our progress and growth. As I quoted in “Purposeful Suffering” from Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary, “We should not pray so much for the removal of affliction, as for wisdom to make a right use of it… A mind…that keeps steady in its purposes for God, will grow wise by afflictions, will continue fervent in devotion, and rise above trials and oppositions.” Paul had an amazing grasp of this. For all Paul endured, one has to admit he left much unsaid. The details of his experiences and suffering were not glorified through a blow-by-blow accounting but instead were only addressed to the extent they revealed God's glory.

So for all he endured, how did Paul maintain a joyful heart? Was there a secret to how he not only survived but thrived in some of the most difficult of circumstances? I guess you could say, yes, there was a secret but it was one meant to be shared. Paul was sustained throughout his journeys by a great singleness of mind set on Christ as he so clearly stated in Phil. 1:21, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Christ was his purpose in life, solely. Any way he looked at his life, his body, his reputation or his circumstances, he belonged to Christ. His desire was to know and live for Christ above all else. Terry C. Cook writes this, “Paul’s concern was not for Paul, but for Christ and the Gospel. Five times in the first chapter of Philippians alone he mentions the Gospel, and Christ is mentioned 17 times. Paul looked upon his circumstances as either sent by God or allowed by God for the purpose of exalting Christ in his life. If Paul had been double minded, he would have had a desire to be joyful, but unable to experience that joy because he would have been focusing on and complaining about his uncomfortable circumstances.” WHOA!

Paul was also sustained by the fellowship he shared with others through the love of the gospel of Christ. Philippians 1:3-5, “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now.” As you read, in particular, through Philippians, it is quite evident that Paul’s love for the Philippians brought him tremendous joy. He was praying for them and their growth, encouraging them, and rejoicing with them. They were in his thoughts, his heart, and therefore, in his prayers. He did not simply say he loved them, he showed them through expressions of thankfulness. But the Philippians also brought Paul great joy and encouragement as they co-labored in the faith.

Now, not only was Paul focused on Christ, but he was focused on the work set before him - the furtherance of the gospel of Christ. Cook notes, “Paul was not a prisoner OF Rome. He was a prisoner FOR Jesus. (Eph 3:1; 4:1) The soldiers chained to his wrists were not guards. They were souls to be won for Jesus, souls for whom Christ had died.” What amazing purpose is derived from his perspective! Can it be any more telling? He loved Jesus. He loved others (Matthew 22:37-40). There was no time to obsess or complain about his circumstances and struggles. There was his God to serve and perishing souls to be saved. He had a real sense of urgency and much of it was experienced from inside his prison cell, his grand platform.

In addition to Paul’s love of Christ and others, he also knew that in pursuing the highest of callings, there would be a slew of battles along the way. He was no stranger to spiritual warfare. He consciously had to choose his course of action, and he “chose” to continue trusting and believing. He placed his faith in Christ knowing he was not alone in the battle. He placed his faith in the ultimate Victor. And, he knew he was called to suffer for the sake of the gospel and did so...joyfully. His faith flourished. It had to.

Joy. So, what does it really mean? And, what does it mean to suffer joyfully? Joy's definition is expressed many ways. Some define it as happiness, the most common interpretation. Others define it as delight, pleasure, or enjoyment. But looking at the original text, the Greek word for joy, as used in the book of Philippians, reveals something more. The word chara translates into a “calm delight” and is closely related to the word charis meaning “grace” or “thanks”. You see, to a great extent, true joy can be seen in direct proportion to the amount of grace one believes they have received. The more thankful one is, the more aware one becomes of the grace we are daily given. If we sense a lack of joy in our lives, then we need to quickly evaluate the condition of our heart. Are we thankful or are we discontented and complaining? Are we praising Him regardless of our circumstances or are we so derailed by our circumstances we find ourselves whining like children because He hasn’t changed them?

The "joy" so many are relentlessly pursuing today is fleeting and temporal, and probably more accurately described as happiness. The truth is - happiness depends on happenings, but joy depends on Christ. Those who pursue happiness will perhaps find it but the gratification will only last as long as the emotion and the circumstances can be sustained. However, those who strive to maintain a singleness of mind focused on Christ are rewarded with a joyful confidence of knowing God is in control, and therefore “happenings” just, well...simply happen. Joy remains constant. And why? It’s because they have learned, like Paul, to be content in all circumstances, welcomed or not. They have learned to experience life without lining up for the perpetual emotional roller coaster.

A joy filled believer speaks volumes to the world. They have the potential to draw the observing and inquiring minds, those baffled by how someone with struggles much like their own can face the day with an authentic sense of peace and joy. Think about this... Imagine meeting someone who speaks with grace, extends grace, and is full of grace, someone who seems genuinely others-focused, regardless of personal circumstances? Is that person not intriguing? Isn’t such a person contagious, infectious, and perhaps even a bit mysterious? Do you not desire to be around such a person? Such a person has established for themselves a testimony that is somewhat like a “walking billboard” of sorts. As long as this person continues to walk in the spirit, allowing Christ to produce His fruit in them, people will take note. There will be an automatic platform upon which to shout out the name of Jesus. I can even envision a type of reverse methodology to programmatic evangelism... one where the need to "go" tell of what Christ has done no longer needs to be programmed because the need to answer those who "come" asking “What’s up?” is a continual occurrence. I am no theologian, and yet, in my humble estimation, perhaps this is what God intended all along...a life that was lived SO loudly it would peak others curiosity and interest enough to draw them to His saving grace, a grace they noticed in us. And, there...there in their asking...our grand platform is erected, our opportunity to tell of all He has done.

From where I sit and from what prognosis I have been given, I cannot expect things to improve with age. I will never be 25 again. Aging seems to happen overnight and though I have no desire to go back, I’m not sure anyone is ever quite prepared to face its effects, try as they may. God can still use me so long as I am willing. But at this juncture, to what extent He chooses to use me will depend greatly on my ability to continue to stay focused on Him and on others, to see purpose in struggle while continuing to serve in spite of them, to experience joy through hardship while remaining contented in the here and now, even if nothing were to ever change. For what real impact could my testimony ever have if I'm whining, miserable, complaining and devoid of all outward manifestations of joy?

I have taught my children this acronym for many reasons, not the least of which is that it acts as a barometer for them to use for self-evaluation when they get the “grumps” or “me-me’s”. Though very simplistic in form, it conveys a very real approach to finding joy in and through all things…

JESUS 1^st

OTHERS 2^nd

YOURSELF Last

Like Paul, when our focus is on Him first and others second, our joy most assuredly will be forthcoming. There will be less of a felt need to produce a counterfeit joy by toiling on our own behalf, conducting self-preservation gymnastics and manipulating our circumstances according to our limited vision. Instead, we will find true joy while learning to trust Him more. No matter what we face or what struggle we're currently engaged in, we can experience this joy by knowing only Jesus can be our enabler and that through His enabling, we can be an encouragement to others. And, ironically and so contrary to our self-absorbed culture, the more we seek the best interests of others (Phil. 2:1-4) by pouring into their lives, the more joy we will allow into our own lives. It’s the wonderful and blessed by-product of actively seeking to live out the greatest command to love God and others.

Boldness with YOUR Story

2010-09-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

Please watch...ALL OF IT! Well worth the 16 minutes it takes...

Gianna Jesson - On Her Almost Aborted Life!

Well, to be honest with you, this little blog today is completely and utterly a surprise. I was not at all intending to write it, but for some reason, felt prompted to interrupt my plan to blog the follow up to Purposeful Suffering Part 1, Joyful Suffering - Part 2, with this, and might I add, in case you were wondering, I am definitely about to step up onto my soapbox right now...I will let you know when I step off!

Praise to GOD! My Creator answers prayers for direction, vision casting, and purposeful activity through the most amazing vehicles. This time it was through a Youtube clip. Upon watching it, I was completely unable to hold back the tears and emotion. I honestly don't see how anyone listening to the story of this young woman's life could remain emotionless. Her boldness is rarely seen and when it is, people sit up and take notice. This is what we want our heroes to look like. We want our heroes to be bold in standing up for what has been somehow termed "politically incorrect". What I saw in this clip was a particular type of boldness that comes from from the heart of person destined to be used for the glory of God, a vessel for proclaiming things others would never dare to, no matter how necessary! This is a boldness from a humble soul, a boldness from one unafraid of suffering or existing as a "living" martyr of sorts, and a boldness from one who has found purpose in this life.

To think, we are all born with purpose and sadly some of us don't even know what that purpose is. She has an amazing story, but we all have a story! The question is what are we going to do with OUR story to proclaim the love, mercy and grace of our Lord and Savior? Too many of us have sat silent merely playing "Christian". This woman - THIS WOMAN is proclaiming it from every corner of the earth she is allowed to enter. She has experienced "purposeful suffering" and because she has found purpose in the storm, in the suffering and in the circumstances God has allowed into her life, God has graciously taught her how to "joyfully" suffer. Too many of us quickly want out of our circumstances. It's human nature to want to escape suffering. But did you ever think that when God allows suffering, He just might be giving us an amazing platform upon which to proclaim Him and to do so with great boldness and an opportunity to identify with Christ? What can bring more glorious joy into our life than that? We may not personally receive invitations to speak in countries across the ocean, BUT, what we do have is a story of our own, very unique and purposefully designed. And, no matter what that story is, GOD CAN USE IT! God can use ALL THINGS in our lives as we surrender them for His purposes. The catch - well, the catch is that we have to be willing to surrender them. I strongly believe that God doesn't waste our experiences, our pain, our circumstances, good or bad, EVER. In God's economy, nothing is for nothing! Viewing all of life from that perspective changes everything because there always is purpose, always meaning to what we experience. I am overwhelmed to think of what this world could look like if we all were using the gifts and talents we have, and even, the weaknesses and struggles we have and have experienced as a platform for proclaiming Him and lifting up the body of Christ which so often is secretly suffering? I just wonder.

Let's stop looking at OUR comfort, OUR conveniences, OUR schedules, OUR activities, and get out of OUR own way so we can see what He is doing and join Him in it with what He has given us and purposed for us. Contrary to the world's proclamation, IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT US. SELF needs to be put to a quick death! The faster we all do so, the sooner we can find our true purpose and meaning, the one He has always intended for us to find. We need to pick up that cross and, dog gone it...just FOLLOW!!!!!

And students, for God's sake and glory, if you think my generation has dropped the ball in proclaiming Him as boldly as this young woman has before foreign government officials, politicians, Orthodox priests, and dignitaries, then by all means, stop pointing the finger and let God deal with us. YOU - PICK UP THE BALL and run with it! God has you here for a specific purpose at this time, in this generation, in this specific place! Seek Him and listen. Find out how you can use what He has given you and blessed you with to live it out just as loudly! Wherever He has you...at school, at work, among your friends, He will open doors and give you your own platform to proclaim Him if you are observant and willing! Gianna, put it perfectly. She said she wasn't put on this earth to make others or herself comfortable. She was put here to stir things up, be hated...and has been since birth. But, she has found it a glorious and worthy thing to suffer for the sake of Her God, Her Maker and Her Savior! Lovingly, she has boldly and graciously proclaimed the uncomfortable name of Jesus and has taken a stand against the politically incorrect. No, more accurately, just the plain incorrect. Now, how about you? How about me?

OH, TO BE THIS INSPIRED DAILY!!!!! OH, TO SEE SUCH BOLDNESS CONTINUOUSLY COMING FORTH FROM OUR CHURCHES!!!!WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN, IF...

Okay, so I'm getting off my soapbox for the time being...:) Thanks Todd for sharing. I would have texted but Tim was playing Mr. Mom and hasn't got back to me with your number!!! Shame on him LOL :)

Part I - Purposeful Suffering

2010-09-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to Dad, today on the 6th anniversary of his passing...no longer suffering...

Struggles, particularly as a Christian, can often prove confusing. No one enjoys struggling, suffering, or pain. And yet, as believers, we are called to view them as times of sanctification, times of growth. James goes so far as to say we are to count it ALL joy. Really, James? Many people mistakenly assume that coming to know Christ as their personal Savior will solve all their problems, give them all the things they want and desire, and make their life “happy”. Unfortunately, once difficulties resume post-conversion, it isn’t long before the reality sets in that being a Christian is not what they perhaps had been led to believe or what they wrongly assumed it was.

Suffering closely identifies us with Christ. And though often unpleasant and undesired, suffering presents us with great opportunities to become more Christ-like, if our eyes remain open and focused. Frankly, we are all destined to experience hardship in this life. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).

“The cup of suffering is one all of us must taste. It is a part of life. It's inescapable. Our suffering may differ. For some people it is physical pain; hard, unrelenting, pain. For some people it is mental suffering. What decision will I make? Which road shall I take? For others it is the suffering we call heartache; that deep pain that goes to the innermost part of our being. The kind of suffering may differ, but every one of us must taste the cup of suffering.”

Robert C. Shannon

Okay, so we get it. We all suffer in life. But, do we get that we need not suffer alone? Do we REALLY get that? Sometimes I think many say they get it, but the reality is many don’t live as though they do and their joyless existence seems to support the contrary. I don’t profess to know the hearts of people. Yet, there are certain observations that make it fairly evident. People may profess their faith in Christ, but it is in the midst of affliction that true, deep-seated beliefs surface. Show me a person who has suffered in this life, and I’ll either show you a person who has strengthened their resolve and character, increased their faith, and persevered through pain with a steadfast grace or a person who has essentially responded to their circumstances with anxiety, fear, and anger, only to become embittered by a sense of hopelessness. We may not have a choice in what hand we’re dealt, but we do have a choice in how we perceive and subsequently respond to that hand!

If we were never allowed to experience suffering, would we really be able to recognize Him as our portion, experience His full provision, and truly identify with Him through any struggle? With Christ, all the troubles, losses, difficulties, suffering, pain, etc. we experience serve a definitive purpose, even if at times we find it hard to identify what that purpose is or will eventually be. When we find ourselves unable to understand His purpose, it is imperative to grab a hold of our shield of faith and as Beth Moore succinctly states; believe God is who He says He is, believe God can do what He says He can do, believe we are who God says we are, believe we can do all things through Christ, and believe God's Word is alive and active in us. I’m thinking perhaps the key word here is….believe.

These few statements encompass a great deal. Many have come to know Him without coming to believe Him. Without belief, our salvation may indeed be a "ticket" out of Hell but not near all He desires for us this side of Heaven. To really gain the perspective of Christ as our ALL, our perspective must be altered and the Word must be foremost in our thoughts and evident in our actions. If He is to be our joy, we must truly stop depending on our emotions to direct our steps, no matter how intensely we may feel them. We must begin by meditating on the truths we know, ones that often become so much more significant through times of difficulty. Philippians 4:9 says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” We must wrap our minds around the things of God. This is how our perspective will change. This is how our faith will grow. Like a muscle that is exercised in order to be strengthened, we must also mentally exercise in order to respond to our circumstances with increased faith.

Alright, I’m going to get a bit personal. Lately, I’ve been struggling quite a lot, a lot more than I have in the past. I’ve had and still have quite a few medical issues that are all interrelated. Having given birth to three children without the help of pain meds, I’ve prided myself, perhaps somewhat erroneously, as someone with a very high tolerance for pain. Fortunately, the short lived pain of labor produced three of the biggest joys in my entire life. The fruit of my “labor” was a blessing and well worth the temporary pain. However, I’ve come to realize physical pain that remains constant, chronic, and relentless, while seeming to serve no obvious purpose can be quite another story. Day after day, it has the propensity to make one weary and ill-tempered, prone to discouragement, and deliver one to the door of despair. What would our Enemy desire more than to see believers incapacitated not only physically but mentally and emotionally?

Acquiring the right perspective toward pain has been somewhat challenging. Actually, I’ve been greatly humbled by the process. I’m rather surprised at how fast I’ve been able to get all the event details together to throw myself a fairly decent “Pity Party for One”! In my moments of weakness, God, being who He says He is, gently and lovingly reminds me of how much He continues to love me. He has whispered once again to my often deaf ears how my present struggle has the potential, depending on how I choose to respond to it, to bring Him glory. Whatever He allows into my life is not mere happenstance but is always purposeful. What He allows also has the amazing potential to change my character from the inside out in ways that only pain and suffering can. However, I sometimes wish God didn’t have as much confidence in my ability to persevere as He does. But…He does. And THAT He does, gives me the confidence and hope to press on. He will daily provide the grace required to do what He has called me to do.

See, it’s really all about perspective. It is our perspective that determines how much room we will allow God to use for our growth and our ability to eventually minister to others. So how do we view our circumstances? Are we learning what He has purposed to show? Are we prepared to identify with Christ through our not-so-welcomed circumstances? Or do we just want immediate deliverance? Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary expresses it like this, “We should not pray so much for the removal of affliction, as for wisdom to make a right use of it… A mind…that keeps steady in its purposes for God, will grow wise by afflictions, will continue fervent in devotion, and rise above trials and oppositions.” I’d say Matt hit the nail on the head!

Having watched family members physically suffer and eventually die, I have grappled with understanding why some suffer so much and why some are taken seemingly too soon. Yet, I am now utterly convinced beyond any doubt, my God has all the answers. Whether or not He chooses to share them with me is His prerogative. I must continue to believe, to focus. If my belief in who He is or what He can do wavers, I become like the “double-minded man” James 1:8 refers to as unstable in all ways and may find myself more susceptible to many erroneous perspectives on suffering.* We need to remember in God’s economy nothing is ever wasted. Our struggles are never in vain. They will often lead us to the place of our greatest purpose. “God never wastes a hurt. Your greatest ministry will come out of your pain.” – Rick Warren.

I’m not sure where my present trial will lead me, but I know my deepest desire is to come out on the other end of things victoriously. Victory may not appear as immediate deliverance. It may not appear as the complete removal of pain. It may not mean I will once again be able to do what my heart so longs to do in this shell. But...it may. HOWEVER, Victory may very well appear in me as the grace and strength to persevere, not by willing it to be so or overcoming mentally what I am experiencing physically, but by resting in the strength of the Lord and trusting in His love for me as I continue to count it all joy (James 1:2-4). Victory may appear as a simple smile on my face or His enabling power giving me the ability to encourage another while struggling myself. Victory may appear as a deepened sense of compassion and understanding for the afflictions others face. In the end, it isn’t about this body that continues to deteriorate until its last breath. Rather, it’s about the power to live through Christ in-spite of its failing mortal condition. It is about the faith that grows deeper until it has become the anchor of my soul through any and all circumstances.

I cannot fathom living this life devoid of His presence, devoid of any knowledge of the enormity of His love for me or His purpose for me. And yet, there are so many who do so daily. I know there are many suffering to far greater degrees then I will ever comprehend or experience. I am aware of how minuscule my situation appears in the scheme of things. Yet, He cares about me, my pain, and He hears my prayers for daily strength and wisdom. I am loved. I am loved LAVISHLY! I am cared for in spite of my circumstances and regardless of what any future prognosis may be for me personally. I KNOW He will never leave me or cease loving me, caring for me, and providing for all of my needs. He will not stop the process of sanctifying me, maturing me and when necessary, disciplining me in any way He deems perfectly appropriate to equip me for His purposes. My job, well…my job is simply to yield and to go wherever He may lead…joyfully!

*For a quick synopsis of some of the misguided or extra-biblical teachings on suffering, take a quick listen to Mark Driscoll, Pastor of Mars Hill Church, preaching a ten minute sermonette. It’s well worth the ten minutes…

Legacy of Faithfulness

2010-09-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's just having turned another year older, or maybe it has to do with the realization I can no longer operate from this "jar of clay" as easily as I used to. But lately, I've been thinking. In fact I've been thinking an awful lot about...my parents. Though no longer living, I'm finding they're filling many of my thoughts on a daily basis. Some days I catch glimpses of my mother in the reflection of a mirror. On other days, I surprise myself as I hear myself saying the same things to my children my parents said to me. And yet, as I navigate this thing called life and the roles I've been ascribed as a woman, wife, and mother, I can't help but think of the legacy my parents left behind. I can't help but notice how a part of who I am today is a result of whose I once was.

I have been told I resemble my mother and have curly hair like my father. In fact the root of my maiden name translated from Greek actually means "curly," and my dad's name, Eftihios, actually means "happy". So, for all intents and purposes, my dad's real name could have been "Happy Curly". How's that for some needless personal trivia? It might provide you with a backdrop of where I've come from and what physical traits I've inherited. But, my outward appearance only partially reflects my heritage. It can only go so far in revealing who I am. People have often made the observation, "You look so much like your mother." And, I guess, maybe I do to some extent. Yet, when someone tells me they see something in me that reflects my mother's character, for me, it's one of the greatest compliments I could ever be given, knowing the kind of woman my mother was. Though our time together was a mere twenty-one years, most of what I learned about being a Godly woman, I learned by spending time with her, observing her interacting with others, and listening to her very few but timely and wisely chosen words.

While we may inherit certain physical traits from our parents, our character development is also influenced to a great extent by our parents. We come to resemble those we've been around. Sometimes it's a choice, but sometimes it's by default. Understanding this, I cannot help but draw a connection as to how we also come to resemble our Heavenly Father. We get to "choose" to resemble Him. How? Well, once again, it's by spending time with Him, by knowing Him through His Word, and by regularly communicating with Him. In such a way, we will come to resemble Him more and more. To the degree we earnestly seek to know Him, we will be internally changed by Him. And then one day, we may be so blessed as to hear someone say to us, "You look so much like your Father."

Mom and Dad, albeit some years ago

I used to spend time with my mom any time and in every place I could. I just wanted to be near her, with her, and around her. One particular conversation, I remember vividly. I recall following her into the bathroom. Yes, I said, into the bathroom. I used to love to watch her put on her makeup as she was preparing to go to work at our shop, Merle Norman Cosmetics. As I watched her that morning, I began tearing up as I said to her, "Mom, I’ll never be as beautiful, inside or out, as you are when I’m your age!" I’ll never forget her response. She immediately stopped what she was doing, put her eyeliner down, turned to me as I sat on the vanity, grabbed my face and firmly said, "Maria, one day when you are my age (ironically forty-three, same age as I am now), you will not only be more beautiful, but better still, you will know more and be wiser in the Lord than I will ever be...and that's how it should be."

Okay, needing a small pause for a tear or two...

Some things I have forgotten. Some things I remember and clearly recall. Though I remember that scene, to be honest with you, I am absolutely certain I didn't believe a word she said to me. To this day, I'm sure if she were sitting right here, right now, I would likely say, "Mom, I'm not sure I am any bit the woman you were at forty-three, but I am working at it...I'm still...just a work in progress..."

In recent years, I’ve discovered why I’ve always remembered that conversation. During a time when I was at my most selfish and not so willing to hear words of wisdom, God allowed me to retain critical pieces of my mother and father's wisdom for my future reference. Oh, how I've held onto them! I've referenced them, particularly as a parent, countless times. Many of those memories contain priceless treasures from the Word that have been a blessing to me throughout my adult life.

I now am blessed with a daughter of my own. Truly, she has been an answer to prayer. I prayed earnestly asking God to grant me a daughter so I might once again experience that special relationship between a mother and daughter. He gave me Sophia. She is maturing rapidly. And, as I look at her, I know I can say, will say and have already said the same to her. I have told her how much I desire her to far surpass me in her life. She is already so much wiser, so much more confident in who she is in Christ, and so much more mature than I ever was at the age of eleven. I have told her often how my heart’s desire is for her to go farther in understanding His Word, in seeking Him more, and in desiring Him before all and above all. I want so much more for her in this life, not so she can be happy, but rather so she can be much more for Him, a vessel wholly submitted to Him. Why would I want this for her? Simply, because I love her.


Sophia

Shortly after I losing my mom, I remember sitting in my rusted-out '76 Chevy Malibu on the campus of Gordon College listening to my cassette tape of Steve Green's new release Find Us Faithful, while running my car battery way down. Just days before this song was released my mother had died. So as I listened to the lyrics, repeatedly, there in my car, I determined in my heart that just as my mother had left me an incredible legacy of a Godly life, I wanted to leave my children a heritage of faith just as rich, just as purposeful. I wanted these lyrics to be my anthem, my life's song:

We're pilgrims on the journey
Of the narrow road
And those who've gone before us line the way
Cheering on the faithful, encouraging the weary
Their lives a stirring testament to God's sustaining grace
Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses
Let us run the race not only for the prize
But as those who've gone before us
Let us leave to those behind us
The heritage of faithfulness passed on through godly lives
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
May the fire of our devotion light their way
May the footprints that we leave
Lead them to believe
And the lives we live inspire them to obey
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
After all our hopes and dreams have come and gone
And our children sift through all we've left behind
May the clues that they discover and the memories they uncover
Become the light that leads them to the road we each must find
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

I don’t know. It might just be me, but as I contemplate the meaning of a legacy, I feel there's so much more to it than what seems to be at the surface. People often refer to a legacy as the money or property left to heirs upon death. Yet, everyone, regardless of their material status in life, leaves behind a non-material legacy. It may be much harder to define, but it is often far more important. After we’ve said our final goodbyes, we will all leave behind some kind of enduring legacy whether we purposed to or not. THAT legacy will be comprised of a lifetime of relationships, accomplishments, beliefs, successes/failures, truths, and values. It will be reflected by where we invested most of our time, by what received most of our energy, and by who we loved and served through word and deed. And ultimately and most significantly, it will live on in the lives of those we’ve touched.

Regrettably, I don't know and never had the chance to ask my parents if they ever consciously set out to leave a particular legacy. But it doesn't much matter one way or the other. See, as I said earlier, we all leave a legacy, whether we have any intention of doing so or not. And I, for one, am thankful for the rich heritage of faith I have profited from. I am grateful for the stories of my parent's lives, stories that at times I know involved much pain and struggle, stories that are still being revealed as I continue filling in the details of their lives with the help of people who were impacted by them. They taught me by example that a legacy is rarely defined by the circumstances in life, but instead it is largely defined by how one chooses to respond to circumstances and how well one incorporates
Phil. 2:1-4 into their life in a practical way:

1-4 "If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care - then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand."

(Translation - The Message)

Oh! May all who come behind ME find me faithful, not perfect, just faithful!

Should I or Should I NOT?

2010-08-31T08:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so after a couple of years of wanting to begin this whole blogging thing...I am doing it! I have given myself some time to contemplate whether or not becoming a blogger is something I "should" do. Perhaps you're wondering, "So, what's the big deal?" To which I'd quickly reply, "Nothing....really." But in the deep discerning part of me, I have asked many questions of myself trying to determine the real reasons I or anyone else would be motivated to write things about themselves, their thoughts, their beliefs in such a transparent way. I have wondered if it is some kind of pride thing? Is it the notoriety or some sort of statement saying "HERE I AM - I MATTER? Would it be a waste of time, not fitting into the non-negotiable priorities of my life? Does anyone really care what I personally have to say about anything or will I be another resounding verbose soul writing into the internet abyss? Do I want to make some kind of difference or am I seeking some cathartic therapy that perhaps would best be kept to the pages of my own private journal? The list of thoughts goes on...so do the questions. But in the midst of all the questions, I believe I may have found part of the answer...

So, here, within this blog, I desire to briefly establish and state my purpose for myself and anyone who might happen upon my utterings. I believe it can be summed up quite succinctly. My purpose in this arena is to address concerns of the day, week or year, as well as any thoughts or questions I may be pondering at any given time and to then sift them through the most amazing truths ever produced in the history of man - THE WORD OF GOD. I guess I figure if I can evaluate and analyze my own, sometimes, twisted thoughts and emotions through a vehicle like a blog, I will open myself up to an opportunity for publicly observed growth. And perhaps, just maybe, something I say will resonate with someone else. Perhaps, someone may not feel so alone. And maybe in such a way, I can bring someone along with me on the journey to a better understanding of who we are and who we were created to be in Christ. Perhaps, it may just be me, talking to myself, but dialogue would be quite refreshing, challenging and welcomed! So feel free to join me in this journey. Click on Follow Me to the right and become a new partner in the journey.... I look forward to our mutual sharing and growth!

What Are You Saying "No" To?

2010-08-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

I am sure no one would argue that our Savior calls us to a life of excellence. Yet, how do we live a life of excellence with a myriad of demands on us? How do we prioritize the “right” things to do over the “good” things to do? As Believers, we have a higher responsibility to do what is right – what we are called to be and do - over what is good. We daily face a world whose priorities oppose ours, and thus, we are constantly challenged in our decision making process. If we do not choose what is right over what is good, we may bypass the higher road. We may end up offering lives that are mediocre in everything and excellent in nothing.

Regardless of whether we are teens, singles, or married, our priorities directly reflect the values we hold most dear. For this reason we must be steadfast and remain focused. Focus is the key to excellence in anything, and particularly, in what we have been called to do. Satan effectively employs distraction to divert our attention from our chief priorities. When we say “yes” to too many things, we end up, quite honestly, stressed and ineffective. To often we overlook the fact that saying “no” is crucial to our growth and success. Think of it like a muscle. When there is tension and pressure on a muscle, it grows stronger also adding strength to the bone it surrounds. However, if never stretched, it becomes flabby, loose, and prone to injury. Likewise, as we are stretched by truly making God-honoring decisions for excellence, we grow to discern God’s leading and prompting while gaining a deeper dependency on His wisdom, His strength, and His direction. Ultimately, learning to say no can break the yoke of over-commitment, weakness, and mediocrity. Saying no can free us to devote the right amount of time and attention to God’s priorities in our life.

Sometimes God plants a seed in our heart for what He will later equip us to accomplish. As we remain focused on what He has called us to in the here and now, we can be assured that in the interim, He is preparing us for some future work. Saying no now to good ideas, good opportunities, and good experiences may feel like we are saying never, but no may simply mean not right now. For certainly when God plants a seed, he has already determined the perfect time, the perfect soil, the perfect environment altogether in which the seed will sprout and grow. So as Galatians 6:9 encourages us, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

Seasons

2010-08-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

I have always LOVED the change of seasons. I love seeing the cycle of life through the change of seasons. I love to see God’s incredible creation through what sprouts, grows and dies, only to be reborn in the Spring. I guess you could say I love CHANGE…period. I know. I know. To some, change or even a remote possibility of change, sounds absolutely frightening but not to me. Perhaps it's because over time I have learned to view change as just part of the amazing and unfolding adventure of a closer walk with God, a time to more intimately get to know my Creator. No matter what the seasons bring with them, there are always abundant and exciting opportunities to watch God work in us, to experience His perfect orchestration of events, and to allow Him to mature us as only He can through all our "seasonal" circumstances.

I have spent many seasons of my life anticipating what the next season would bring. As a kid, I couldn’t wait to drive. As a teen, I couldn’t wait to go away to college. In college, I couldn’t wait to see what career path I would take. In my twenties, I couldn’t wait to meet my future husband. Once I got married, I couldn’t wait to start a family. Once a parent, I couldn’t wait to complete the potty training stage. BUT, seasons of life can be a funny thing. Well, maybe, funny – not so much…

First, I was dying to finish high school and start college
And then, I was dying to finish college and start working
And then, I was dying to marry and have children
And then, I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could get back to my career
And then, I was dying to retire
And now, I am dying…
And suddenly, realize that I forgot to live.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN

In think many of us seem to spend so much time waiting for the next season to arrive, we often miss the season we are in and fail to experience the full potential of the here and now. Sometimes we want something so much, we fail to cherish the things we already have-the people we already have. Too often, we look back to find we have mishandled certain moments in our lives, and realize, however unfortunate, those moments cannot be relived nor our steps retraced.

I witnessed some of this first hand. For years, I saw my father dream of using his musical gifts to minister to others. For years, I heard him say, “When you kids are independent, I will…” Then, I heard, “When your mother gets better, I will…” But, she didn't. He then said, "When I retire, I will." And finally, “When I get better, I will…” Sadly, he didn’t get better either. But, that’s another story for another time and blog. The point here being is that all those years of waiting…waiting…waiting...for the next season and what did the next season bring? It simply brought the unexpected, the unwelcomed and uninvited, and ultimately, the end.

This summer our Pastor took us through the somewhat sobering but definitely inspiring book of Ecclesiastes. It's not the easiest book to absorb but the conclusion is clear: Man's (and woman's) chief end is to fear God and to keep His commands (Eccl. 12:13). If this is so, and IT IS, then whatever season we find ourselves in, whatever we choose to pursue, and however we choose to spend our time, we should always remember we are given but so many days to fear God and keep His commands. Each one is a gift. We have been allotted only so much time to become who God created us to be and do what we were meant to do. Having lost my parents prematurely (or at least that is how it can often feel), I daily live with a reminder of how fleeting our days are and how short life can seem. If we spent more time reflecting on how relatively few days we have on this planet, would we choose to live any differently? Would our lives reveal the same list of priorities?

Sometimes, though, it’s down right difficult to maintain a balanced perspective. Sometimes we all fall into the “Wishing-Away Well,” not necessarily on purpose, but often out of frustration, exhaustion, or a latent discontent that rears its occasionally ugly head. How crucial it is at such times to sit back and reassess what our perspective is and what perpetuates it. Selfishness? Disappointment? Fatigue? Unrealized dreams? Impatience? Fears? Any one of which is a contender. But, any one of which is worthless when seeking God's perspective on the matter, whatever the matter.

Over the years, I have often found myself either over-committed, under-energized, overly anxious, etc. Often, this has meant additional stress, topped off with a confused sense of perspective, purpose and direction. Most likely, it has been a result of not remembering who I am and Whose I am, and instead, trying to be who others think I ought to be and who the world tells me I want to be. BUT, there is something I have found IMMENSELY helpful! As long as I remember my priorities - God 1st, Family 2nd , and Ministry/Others 3rd, with any other commitments placed thereafter, I have been able to say YES or NO to activities based on whether they have supported my firmly established and non-negotiable list of priorities. In case you're wondering, yes, it is much easier said than done!

Our present culture continues to push “more is better” in every respect. But is it? Really? Today, I heard an interesting factoid. It peeked my interest simply because of the size of our present temporary dwelling (approx. 750 sq. ft) and the fact that we are moving toward building a home. This news report stated that the "McMansion Era" is OVER in America! Wow! Apparently, keeping up with the Joneses is getting easier as a majority of people are downsizing, struggling to keep their jobs, and living in an uncertain economy. Perhaps, the Joneses themselves want to downsize! In the 1960's an average home was 1200 sq. ft.. In the 1980's it was 1700 sq. ft. In the 90's it bumped up to an average of 2000 sq. ft followed by another jump in 2000 to 2300 sq. ft. It would appear that more is better UNTIL, of course, circumstances and the unknown scare enough people. I am so glad God is constant and remains unchanging. I am glad He isn't as fickle as our economy!

In the past year, I've often wondered if the pursuit of the American dream has affected our sense of what really matters, our list of priorities, and how we go about spending our time. It seems to me, in times of prosperity, Americans have lost sight of much, not the least of which is the purpose of life. It isn't about being happy. Yes, I said, it isn't about being happy or comfortable. Shocking to some yet true. It's not even about achieving the American dream. For the sake of repetition, our purpose is to fear God and keep His commands, thereby bringing Him glory.

Please DON'T hear me saying you can't do both and still have a large home, comforts, the American dream, etc. They are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Please DO hear me saying it's not our purpose in life to fulfill our own desires at the expense of fearing and obeying God. Our priorities should be supported by well thought out choices along the way. We may misjudge at times or fall into the temptation of pursuing purely selfish desires. In the end, however, what has been our life's pursuit overall? That is the question we ought to continually ask ourselves. It's just all a matter of perspective, isn't it? So, is the "more" we think is better, still really better? I guess it depends on what the "more" is and how we define it.

In striving to keep my own priorities in line, I have battled with guilt, sometimes a false sense of guilt, that at times has overwhelmed me. Do I want too big of a house or would I be content with less? How much less? What is enough? Am I being a good mom if I DON’T sign my kids up for multiple activities? Am I somehow preventing the social development of my kids by preferring they spend more time with family than friends? Am I wrong to prefer spending time with my family when given a choice, a limited schedule, and limited expendable energy?

Over the years, I am sure a number of other thoughts have plagued me and caused me considerable confusion, making me question my choices as a Christian woman, wife and mother. However, the bottom line is this…I'm either living to honor God in all I do as effectively as I can with the resources He has provided...or I'm not. I'm either being a good steward of the limited time I have been given... or I'm not. I would like to think I ALWAYS make the right choices and that my choices have ALWAYS supported my life’s most important priorities, but I can’t. Why? Simply, because they haven’t. Fortunately, I live for a God who sees my miscalculations even my deliberately selfish choices and loves me still, continuing to offer me opportunities to improve my approach to daily living. The more I seek Him, His Word, and His will, the closer I come to aligning my choices with His priorities for my life. I won’t always succeed, but I'll always be making progress so long as my perspective remains identical to His.

Dedicated to my precious babies who are now all in school and…no longer babies! Weaning and letting you go is so bittersweet but necessary. May God grant me the ability to do so gracefully and faithfully as I enter this new season of life! I LOVE YOU WITH MY LIFE!

2010-04-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

Most days as a pastor's wife are wonderful. They really aren't all that much different from any other wife/mother's typical day. But then, frankly, there are those days, weeks, and sometimes even months that seem to try my selflessness and my desire to be flexible in every way.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to experience in ministry has been the sense of being watched and observed, and not so much by a congregation but by Satan. He has studied me. He has studied my family. He knows where we appear weak, vulnerable, and consequently, have been uniquely targeted because of our visibility before others.

Though I could get on my soap box and wax eloquent regarding the various aspects of ministry life I have experienced and grown from, I think perhaps just sharing a few words God gave me some eight or so years ago will offer a pretty accurate portrayal of what perhaps many, not all, pastor's wives experience at times.

THE GLASS HOUSE

Peering through the panes of my house outsiders seem to see
The very strengths and weaknesses that exist deep inside of me.
My soul exposed alike to friends and foe
Vulnerable to opinions that freely flow.
Wondering how I have arrived in this glass enclosure
Why would God allow such extreme external exposure?
Opportunity knocks, blessings abound, still my heart remains reserved
Fearing man, fearing perceptions, fearing what may be said or heard.
I’m in the struggle to survive this lonely road, this mental abyss,
All the while learning how to lean on God - Satan to resist!
More oft than not I first succumb to eyes which seem to see inside me
Until I recollect my thoughts and see how JESUS sees me!
Through eyes not judging the external but looking at my heart,
I only need look to HIM to recognize my part…
He’s placed me in this big glass house to live the life He’s given,
Set forth as an example NOT as perfection this side of heaven.
It’s a struggle to remember my goal is not to please all who see me or perceive me,
But to please my maker and be who HE intends for me to be.
It takes more discipline, more resolve than I alone possess
To live my life before others with a Godly brand of finesse.
So I hear the Lord as He gently whispers saying,
“Your glass house is a blessing I have given.
Seek me, trust me, allow me to mold you,
Fix your eyes on me - not others - and your heart I will renew.
So that you can live in this glass house with anticipation and with hope
NOT merely trying to exist or attempting to simply cope.
You are equipped for my purpose, I have made you so,
Allow me to lead you to where I would have you go.
Open the doors of your glass house and let others in,
I know it won’t be easy but many victories you will win.
For when you love without fear - love without reserve,
Your capacity to give grows and multiplies in return.”
In gaining God’s perspective, in looking through His eyes
I can see the hidden blessings that ought not be passed by.
So I live in this glass house so transparent and so clear
Living - loving victoriously in Him without the need to fear.

It's humbling to live in a glass house, to say the least. And, though I would love to say I have managed to live life as He desires before many watchful eyes, truthfully, I still have times of struggle. But, I'm okay with that now. Fortunately, age has worked to my benefit. I recognize, like everyone else, I am a work in progress. He will do in and through my life what He chooses as I cooperate, just as He always has, to help me "arrive".

I am so thankful my times of struggle now serve as mere reminders to refocus, to regain my perspective, and to fix my eyes on Jesus (Heb. 12:2). My job is to keep loving, living, and learning...His way.

Forgiveness and Love - Not Mutually Exclusive

2010-04-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about forgiveness. I have been searching my heart for any place in which I might be tempted to hold on to grudges, hurts, offenses. I have contemplated some verses that I have taken to heart and which have spoken so loudly to me as someone who so desires to do only what God would have me to do. My challenge to you is to simply read and allow God the room to speak to your heart. That's all...just a lil ole challenge on this gorgeous day!

Matthew 5:43-48 (the Message) says, "You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. "In a word, what I'm saying is...grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

Proverbs 19:11 (the Message) says, "Smart people know how to hold their tongue; their grandeur is to forgive and forget."

Matthew 6:14-15 (The Message) "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.

I Corinthians 13:13 says, "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Okay, so if your hurt, if you are offended, if you have been accused, if you have been misunderstood, mistreated, etc. Whatever it is that is challenging your ability to forgive and love, take heart. Take your heart directly to the foot of the cross and there seek His enabling power to forgive. It is the act of forgiving others as we have been forgiven that allows Him (through our faith and obedience) the room to work in and through us. We cannot expect to unleash His power without first obeying His commands. We cannot hope to live a life of joy and hope if we are wrapped up in our own pain. Instead of God remaining the Lord of our life, our pain, our hurts, the offenses we hold tightly onto, even if they are deep and hidden, will prevent us from having and enjoying the pursuits of a holy life and the benefits thereof! When we freely forgive and freely love, we find freedom ourselves. We are no more closer to living like He desires than when we are loving like He desires, without regard to our "feelings" which often become the gods of a powerless existence.

As you travel along on your own personal journey in this life, I hope you find you hold no unforgiveness in your heart. I pray you are free to live unto Him and free to bring Him glory! Sometimes, it's hard to love. Sometimes, it feels nearly impossible to forgive and love with abandon, to show through our actions or inaction that we choose to forgive and love others as He has. And yet, it is His command that we do. He has given us the Holy Spirit to enable us to love unconditionally, unreservedly and unselfishly. This is how the world will know us...as true followers of Christ - by our love, not by the grudges we hold onto. When you seek to love like this, it may feel as though you are being impaled on the cross with Christ, but even that compares little to the extent Christ went to to show you His lavish love for you. So I ask, what more glorious suffering is there than to identify with Him in our act of loving those we consider to be the unlovable? I know of none- no greater cause to suffer for, no greater proof that we are who we claim to be, no greater witness to Who lives in and through us!

Blessings!

Just a Thought

2010-01-27T08:35:00.000-08:00

In the midst of addressing an issue with my children today, God gave me a visual illustration to use to convey my point.

As I was speaking to them, a scene appeared in my mind of Jesus on the cross in the midst of His suffering. He was looking down at me as I stood at the foot of the cross looking up at Him. Only, I could not gaze up at him for long once I was overcome with the realization that He was watching me, every word, every deed, every choice of action while dying on that cross FOR ME. My guilt caused me to turn away quickly, and bow my head in shame. And yet, He called to me in a faint whisper, "Child, Child...I know, I know it ALL, and I still, in spite of it all, LOVE YOU with my LIFE! Can't you see what I am doing? IT"S FOR YOU! Please look up here. Look in my eyes and see the pain I have for you. You need not be ashamed. You need not hide from me. Look up here and see how much I love you for now and forever." I couldn't bear it. I wanted to look up but something kept me looking down. I was face to face with my redemption, and yet, unable to take a hold of it. WHY?

GUILT. It comes into our lives and eats us alive when we live under the condemnation of its fierce and heavy hand. Guilt blinds us and drives us further from our straight and narrow pathway. It confuses. It discourages. It misleads. It tears us up from the inside out. It is a form of bondage, a very real form of bondage. Clearly, if we are kept in bondage to our guilt, we will hesitate to lay a hold of what has already been set aside for us - freedom from sin. Our Enemy is so keenly aware of our ineffectiveness when we give in to wallowing in our guilt and shame and our false sense of humility and unworthiness. When we get it straight and learn it well, he knows we will not linger in a place of self- destruction. We will be able to live in freedom and accept our imperfections, and yet, we can live with the assurance that we are forgiven; it is forgotten; and, we are still able to glorify God through subsequent choices and actions. We MUST look up, immediately. We MUST look up when He beckons us to. When we hear His faint voice amidst all the chaos in and around us, we MUST look up to see Him and His cross without delay. If we delay, it could cost us dearly.

Much can be said of living the victorious Christian life, but I am concerned that not enough Christians do live in victory. I believe keeping a short list of transgressions with God, a daily confession, a momentary awareness of our words and deeds, is one key to daily living in victory. It is a matter of living like we are victorious, like we have been rescued, like we are dearly and affectionately loved by the the one and only God of the universe! It won't make us perfect this side of heaven, but it will set us free NOT to sin. How can we sincerely proclaim His name while we continue projecting a miserable existence. Is this not a contradiction between what we say we believe and how we live? Where is the joy? Mind you, I did not say happiness!

Once we realize how free we are...free to be and do what our heavenly Father desires, then we will see things and ourselves as He does - forgiven and loved. No longer do we have to do what we loathe or what is contrary to His will. We are no longer condemned and in bondage. And, though it may take some Christians years to realize it, once Jesus saves, there is instantaneous freedom. Learning to live in that freedom is a process. If we live as though we believe our destiny is sin, then, we certainly WILL struggle looking up at the cross.

As I stood at the cross, head bowed and shivering out of fear because of all my shame and guilt, once more I heard Him. However, this time, His voice, no longer a faint whisper, demanded my attention, though I found it strange as He now was even closer to the end of His agonizing experience and impending death. "CHILD, you are MINE and you BELONG to ME! GET UP, LOOK UP, and begin to LIVE like you are FREE, lest all my pain and suffering be taken for granted and you miss what blessings still await you. Look up so all who see you, see me through you. GET UP, LOOK UP and KNOW without one doubt WHO it is you belong to and WHO unconditionally loves you. I am waiting..."

I slowly started moving my head so as to look up as He had requested I do. As I did, I realized that the higher my head was lifted, the easier the movement became until I found myself gazing into his tear-filled eyes and bloodstained face. And, then I remembered, I WAS FREE. My guilt and shame were no more. Since I no longer stood in the way, God could again continue carrying on the business of conducting my sanctification without my self inflicted plan - a plan that involved beating myself up and pulling further away from the one who could actually sanctify me.

Guilt and shame are not of God. Conviction is a healthy response to sin. It helps us recognize we are not on target. But when not addressed in a timely manner, and might I add, with a sense of urgency, conviction can turn into a vicious cycle of guilt and shame...Got conviction? Get confession. Then, move forward...

Philippians 3:13 "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead"

Next time you wonder about your actions, words and deeds or sense any conviction about something you have done that doesn't line up with who you say you are in Christ, LOOK UP, please LOOK UP NOT DOWN. Remember His eyes, the cross, and His love for you. Refuse to use your own brand of sanctification - whatever it might look like. Do not waste one moment stuck in discouragement and defeat...They don't belong to you. Don't hand your victory over to your Enemy. It is yours! You are victorious....SO....live like it!