When you adopt this way of thinking, you think you’re protecting your heart. You think its an insurance policy against O.P.S. (Other Peoples’ Stupid). And then, you feel it. The disappointment comes anyway.

I’m not sure when I started guarding my expectations. And, maybe some of you are just better at it than I am; but, instead of lowering my expectations, I ended up always expecting the worst.

I got to the point where my imagination couldn’t keep up with life anymore. Things got more complicated. And, just when you think you’ve prepared yourself for the worst…Surprise! It’s a health problem. Surprise! An unexpected expense. Surprise! A relationship lost.

“Well, that’ s my life. It figures…”

You can imagine my hesitation during a liturgical exercise at church, when we were prompted to say, “God, surprise us again!” Surprise us? I’ve been surprised enough. No more surprises. Please?

Obviously I don’t believe that God’s surprises are equivalent to all of the disappointments in life. Well, not in my head anyway. But somehow, I needed to explain that to my – apparently broken – heart.

God’s not in the business of breaking my heart. So what do God’s surprises look like? I realized that I was much more accustomed to looking out for unwanted surprises, than for anything that God would use to make me smile.

“Well, God, I’m open to being surprised by you now. Love, Becky”

Another beginning, is reason enough to quietly celebrate. Reason enough to smile fondly.

Outside, they chatter away. Just outside, I hear youthful squeals matched only by the experienced voices of their parents. It’s lovely; the excitement.

But my heart is too peaceful to muster much enthusiasm. Enthusiasm admires the peace I feel tonight.

Rest well into the morning, my friends!

Along with the seasons, our lives mark patterns of change.

Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Right now, I’m sensing that it’s time for quiet for me. A time to listen. A time to soak in and absorb the fullness of Christ in my life. This time will involve some writing but I don’t anticipate sharing much of it here.

My love and best wishes go out to everyone reading this, in whatever season you find yourself in. And feel free to contact me using the contact page – I’m still here … just not here here :)

Why didn’t you clean this cereal up? “I didn’t think you’d see it.”

“This outfit goes perfectly with my hair!” … huh?

“Do you think these heels go with this outfit?” No. “I wasn’t asking you Mom.”

Yes, that’s my 6yo, Natalie.

But, the very next show was about home mortgages. We’d really like to  have a 4th bedroom. The girls are only growing bigger and we will need more space. Yes, a new home would be nice. I’d really like that too.

Traveling and moving are both extremely strong draws for me but they’re not very complimentary. Spending money on a vacation would not help us get a new home. And if we get a new home, we might not be able to go on vacation for a while.

And then it hit me. I wasn’t thinking about either of those things before I got in the car. Why, all of the sudden, am I trying to make major life decisions?

I never used to believe that advertising had much of an effect on me. In spite of the millions of dollars in research that companies do to know just how to get my attention, I thought I was somehow immune. Pride of my youth I suppose…

Now that the world has tipped it’s hand, I’m thinking it would be better to set goals in the stillness of the day. To know my priorities before I’m bombarded with a multitude of enticing and distracting options.

Okay, I’ll admit, their words are sometimes biting … and loud. And sometimes they resort to physical violence to prove their point. (Where was I going with this?)

It reminds me of my own selective memory. I remember the embarrassments and failures all too easily.

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Philippians 4:8 (The Message)

There is much work to be done here.

The seventh grader is looking forward to using the microscope. (You should have seen his face light up when he was unpacking this year’s shipment.) Oh, and the novels he can’t wait to read. Oh! And, Pre-Algebra! (I might be a little more excited about that one than he is.)

The first grader is excited about art. Yeah, that’s it. Art.

And the third grader is … still doing back-bends in the living room.

It’s shaping up to be a great year.

“Legion,” he replied, because many demons had gone into him. And they begged him repeatedly not to order them to go into the Abyss.

A large herd of pigs was feeding there on the hillside. The demons begged Jesus to let them go into them, and he gave them permission. When the demons came out of the man, they went into the pigs, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and was drowned.

When those tending the pigs saw what had happened, they ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. When they came to Jesus, they found the man from whom the demons had gone out, sitting at Jesus’ feet, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. Those who had seen it told the people how the demon-possessed man had been cured. Then all the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were over-come with fear. So he got into the boat and left.

The man from whom the demons had gone out begged to go with him, but Jesus sent him away, saying, “Return home and tell how much God has done for you.” So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.

Luke 30-39 and Mark 5:9-20

It is striking to me that a person whole, can be a thing to fear. What kind of fear says, “I know that person to be unstable. I don’t know what you did to him, but we need you to go?”

How important is it, that the world around us stays recognizable? What peace … What joy, are we willing to sacrifice – compelled to sacrifice – for our own comfort?

Are there parts of us that Jesus desires to transform but we’re afraid we wouldn’t be received well if he did? Do we hold ourselves back in order to remain comfortable and pleasing to others?

A lot of questions, I know…

Recently I accepted a invitation to teach at my church on a Sunday morning. In Big church. Not the toddler room. BIG church. There is one part of me that feels like I’m taking a step closer to the person God created me to be. And then there is the part of me that is screaming, “I don’t know if I can accept you this way!”

Today, I can relate to both sides.

I remember driving my mom into town one time.  That night sticks heavily in my mind. The mission we were on. The road we were traveling. Her reaction to the latest and greatest album, A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing was … surprised.

The blaring music didn’t define me. It announced my arrival. Sometimes it said, “Don’t mess with me.” Sometimes it said, “This girl likes to PARTY!” And sometimes it said, “Holy cow, this girl is depressing.”

20 years later, as my son begins to get a little grabby with the radio dial in the car, I think of that girl. She can relate to this boy.

The year: 1992
The car: Horizon
The driver: A 16 year old me

None of us has seen the face of God and yet, we can recognize our creator easily. And, we know when something doesn’t add up. I guess that’s part of the problem though. Not much is adding up at all. We’ve seen too much. We know more than we want to know.

Is it possible for someone to have a “Word” from God if their lifestyle isn’t what we think it should be? Is it possible that God would ask us to listen to someone who is seemingly “beneath” us (i.e. a child)?

Is it possible, that God is asking us to listen FOR something, instead of listening TO someone?