Dan Majestic reports from Washington

But seriously, it has been let known that US officials are going to meet with the Taliban in Doha, in Qatar, where the Afghan insurgents have opened their ‘embassy’, to supposedly discuss the post-war arrangement in Afghanistan. But you don’t really need to be a political genius to realise that the real issue will be the ‘heroic disengagement’ of NATO troops from the country, as the forthcoming retreat is being called by Western commanders. Because let’s face it, if the US government is ready to meet with the people it ousted from power in 2001, it means that it’s a face-saving exercise rather than some talks about the future of Afghanistan, to avoid the same humiliating retreat that happened in Vietnam.

According to the scenario, Afghan President Hamid Karzai’s people will start their own talks with the Taliban later, to hammer out their own deal with the insurgents. It will be interesting to see what comes out of these talks. Because the Taliban can’t stand Karzai and his lot and it’s difficult to imagine that they, the Taliban that is, will tolerate the presence of the current regime in any shape or form on their soil after 2014.

The odd thing about the US government’s position is that it is actually saying that it will insist – yes, insist – that the Taliban sever all links with al-Qaeda, renounce violence and promise to respect the new constitution. As in:

US representatives: And remember, no more links with al-Qaeda, or the deal is off.

Taliban: We’ll have no more links with our al-Qaeda brothers, we promise, infidels. Honest.

US representatives: And you must also renounce all violence and respect the new Afghan constitution that we wrote for your people.

Taliban:  With the greatest of pleasure. Why shouldn’t we, men of violence, become men of peace? And as for the constitution, we love it to death.

On the same day that news about the forthcoming talks between the US and the Taliban broke, NATO forces officially passed the responsibility for providing security in all of Afghanistan to the Afghan government. As if President Karzai and his people know what to do with the honour bestowed on them. Because let’s face it, once NATO troops are gone, the Afghan army might lose half of its 350,000 soldiers to the Taliban, who have been sending their fighters posing as farmers to get all that training from NATO troops all these years.

Basically, after nearly 12 years of fighting, NATO is back to square one. Its troops are about to leave Afghanistan and the Taliban are coming back to power. With a promise to behave themselves.

What a silly war it was!

–End–

Ivan Ivanov reports from Pyongyang

According to the report on the website that calls itself New Focus International, young Kim was urging his closest aides and advisers on his big day to study the thick volume, which was translated into Korean specially for the occasion, to learn the skills of leadership. This information has been supposedly provided by a former ‘insider’ who has since defected, mentioning that the Brilliant Leader supposedly said that as Hitler had managed to rebuild Germany after World War I in no time, he was a good example to follow. Or something to that extent.

Once the story surfaced on the web, all hell broke loose in Pyongyang. Denials came thick and fast and the North Korean secret police came out with a statement, threatening to kill the ‘despicable scum’ behind the article. The term ‘thrice cursed crime’ was used to describe the gravity of the situation. Other threats were made as well, implying that the people concerned would be so dead that there won’t a plot of land available to bury them. (That’s the sort of approach that police forces around the world should be adopting and then there’d be no crime, none at all.)

Need I say that the United States and South Korea were blamed for this piece of propaganda? OK, I’ll say it: the United States and South Korea were blamed for this piece of propaganda. I hope you’re happy now.

Anyone who has ever tried reading Mein Kampf that runs for more than 600 pages would know that it’s not an easy book to grasp. In Korean it’s probably even worse than in German. It takes a resilient person to get to page 100 and then, I have to say, it gets really bad. If the report is true and senior North Korean officials would have to study Hitler’s autobiography, then they will be struggling with it and it might even result in resignations and suicides.

Although it is strange that so much fuss has been made of this, as young Kim’s father and grandfather were no pussycats and ran their country like small Hitlers. So it’s not that they were hostile to some of Adolf’s methods.

Mind you though, books by other butchers like Vladimir Lenin and Joseph Stalin are considered classics in North Korea and are taught both to the young and not so young. Together Lenin and Stalin presided over the deaths of millions of people in Russia, so there’s much for North Korean officials to learn from them as well.

The hope now in Washington is that this incident might delay the peace talks that the North Korean regime proposed recently to the US, sending fear into the hearts of American diplomats, who dread another endless round of negotiations, listening to North Korean officials talking bollocks in communist speak and praising their Brilliant Leader. Although, of course, everyone recognises that these tedious discussions are bound to start some day.

–End–

Ben Delicious reports from Enniskillen in Northern Ireland

No, of course not. The money would be sent to the terrorists, in used notes, straight away and the VIP hostage would be released in good health, to resume their important duties. It’s the little people, you see, who are kept by terrorists for months and years, awaiting their ransom to be paid. And sometimes the money never comes and the hostages are, you know, disposed of. And officials put on a brave face and say that they would never give in to terrorism. Apart from occasions, that is, when important people are taken hostage by terrorists and then it becomes a different ball game altogether. (They don’t say that last part, but it’s implied.)

Anyway, at the G8 summit, which ended here on the outskirts of Enniskillen, the world leaders agreed to stop ransom payments by governments for hostages who are kidnapped by terrorists. Enough of funding terrorism, they said. Basically this amounts to privatising ransoms for hostages, letting families and friends do the honours and raise the money. If that is not the triumph of the free market then I don’t know what is.

Word is that the initiative came from Prime Minister David Cameron, who, if you remember, is one of the great enthusiasts of providing arms and money to the Syrian rebels, many of whom are terrorists. The irony obviously escapes Mr Cameron, who incidentally was also instrumental in bringing down Colonel Gaddafi in Libya and replacing him with people who now supply weapons to all sorts of terrorist groups in the region.

But that is beside the point. And the point is that from now on every terrorist group that will be taking hostages will have to prove that they are not terrorists but common criminals, to qualify for a ransom. Otherwise they’ll stand little chance of getting any money and might just as well whack their hostages. Or they will have to make an extra effort and target senior government officials and only then expect the money to reach them in a day or two after they have posted their ransom demand on social media or their own website.

Tough times await terrorist groups from now on. Who says G8 summits are useless?

–End–

Freddie Matthews writes from London

Just over a week ago, on June 10^th, the English heavy metal pioneers from Birmingham, released their new album called 13. Not only is the album the band’s first studio record for 18 years, since Forbidden in 1995, but it’s also the first studio album with Osbourne on lead vocals since Never Say Die in 1978.

Subsequently 13 marks its place in British music history as the first Black Sabbath album chart-topper for 43 years. That incredibly awards the band the chart record for the longest gap ever between number 1 albums, a record that was formally held by Bob Dylan, at 39 years in duration. You may remember it was Sabbath’s second album, Paranoid, released in September 1970 that was their last chart topper.

With vocals as poor and knackered as Ozzy Osbourne’s, how was this possible? The years of self abuse put paid to Osbourne’s potential to improve his music ability decades ago. It’s actually been his annoying wife Sharon who’s become the more famous of the two in the last decade or so, thanks to the X-Factor. But Ozzy and the boys must have decided that it was now or never and produced an album that went to number 1. Which says a lot about the musical tastes of some of baldies out there who go for nostalgia and not quality. (Stones got away with murder for 50 years all thanks to nostalgia.)

13, as in 2013, pipped Liam Gallagher’s band Beady Eye to the top of the album chart and for that I can only commend Black Sabbath. Not even Gallagher would dare say a word out of turn against such rock royalty; they quite literally gave him a good beating. Liam might have that Manchester swagger and the attitude of a teenager on speed but Black Sabbath drink the blood of rats, after eating them for breakfast that is.

Ozzy said that he was in shock and that the success of this album has blown him off his feet. But then again he has never been that steady on his feet. He added: ‘We’ve never had a record climb the charts so fast.’ Ozzy also made a very good point in this day and age: ‘Nowadays a lot of music is manufactured bulls**t, we’ve got something other people haven’t got and we know our craft.’

Ozzy may well have sold over 10 million records as a solo artist but Black Sabbath have reinvented themselves and are back from the dead basically. They’ve had their fair share of ups and downs and ‘highs’ and lows, their combined age may well be almost 750 but that won’t stop them hitting the worldwide stage and touring on their zimmer frames into the ground. And why the hell shouldn’t they? Anything to get them out of the old folks home!

Black Sabbath has proved age means nothing, if you’re a die-hard metal fan, even if that involves pissing into a colostomy bag.

–End–

Adam Lovejoy writes from London

Is it funny or what? Especially as Blair is a known ‘stud’, having the nickname ‘five-times-a-night Tony’ after his wife Cherie spilled the bedroom secrets back in 2005, just before the general election that year, telling The Sun newspaper that when in the mood her hubby could do five times a night easily – and even more sometimes. He should have been called ‘more-than-five-times-a-night Tony’ really. To give him credit where credit is due. Because as prime minister he was rubbish and there’s no way of escaping it, even if the ‘impartial’ British media says otherwise and the comedy lot spares him the blushes.

Which brings me to the comedy scene in Britain that has been always very quiet about Tony and his many sins, including his love of money and freebies, starting wars on false pretences, buying up elections and, more recently, profiting from his past treachery and helping dictators to improve their world standing. How come British comedians, who have a go at all politicians who make fools of themselves – and Tone was great at making a fool of himself, including that stunt of his of pretending to be religious – are keeping quiet about Tony?

It all started way back in 1997 when Tony delivered his ‘I’m a straight kind of guy’ routine on getting into 10 Downing Street and then came up with the most appalling take on the death of Princess Di in a car crash? Tony then quickly jumped on the grieving bandwagon, got all emotional and, amongst other things, called her the ‘people’s Princess’.

Hmm, the People’s Princess. That was what Diana called herself, you see. Even though it didn’t sound right at all. It was a contradiction in terms. It just didn’t make sense. But Tony got away with it. Not one gag at his expense was ever delivered..

Afterwards, of course, there were more ridiculous things said and done by Religious Tony. There were five year plans introduced, just like in North Korea or Cuba, and preposterous targets set, including a promise to cut down teenage pregnancies by 50 or so per cent. Bizarre pledges were given to do away with crime and the causes of crime – and send all young people to universities. Multi-millionaires were giving dodgy donations to the Labour party and there were free holidays for the Blair family at villas of the super-rich. Brain dead pop stars were invited to 10 Downing Street and there was Tony claiming that he never missed a game by Newcastle United.

And do not forget his wife, Cherrie, who used the office of the Prime Minister as if it was her own, charging charities a lot of money for speeches, demanding designer clothes at huge discounts and hanging out with con-artists and weird life style gurus.

You would have expected stand-up comedians and comedy writers to have a ball at the expense of the Blairs. They didn’t even need to invent anything – it was all there for them for the taking. And yet, the main targets of ridicule at the time were consecutive leaders of the opposition, as if they decided anything.

Tony was always spared from ridicule and mockery, as if no one seemed to find it hilarious that the British Prime Minister was behaving like a spiv and a communist with a taste for the high life at other people’s expense. And the worst thing of all that Blair got it into his head that he was invincible and could get away with anything. And that was why he was starting wars across the world, mostly dodgy ones, and constantly lying and breaking his promises.

It could have been so much different if Blair would have been given a hard time by the comedians. Because the whole point of comedy is to ridicule politicians. Other subjects are not that important. Politicians should always come first. Especially if they hold high office and should not have been there in the first place.

– End –

Ben Delicious reports from Belfast

Mr Obama, for some bizarre reason, decided to talk about the peace process in Northern Ireland, about which he obviously has little idea. That is why he fell into the same trap as so many foreign dignitaries before him, thinking that the process was a great success, even though it was about Tony Blair and his New Labour comrades appeasing the hard men of violence, on the Republican side, and sweeping the problem under the carpet rather than solving it.

Funnily enough, Mr Obama, who was reading most of his speech from the script, did accept that there was still a way to go down this road. But as it was such a tempting opportunity for him to bang on about equality and peace and opportunities for all, he simply couldn’t resist it. What he doesn’t understand, of course, is that all that passion, delivered from a script written by other people, comes across as insincere. It’s one thing when you talk about the economy and need to have some figures in front of you, but when you supposedly offload the inner depths of your soul, you don’t read from your teleprompters.

What is becoming apparent, though, is that the Irish lobby in America has been able to sell the idea of the ‘united Ireland’ to the White House, probably through the Clintons, and it is only a matter of time before Mr Obama will come up with a peace initiative to have one Ireland instead of two. If anyone can pull off such a stunt, he can. Especially as Prime Minister David Cameron, who seems to be working on a commission basis at the moment for the Saudis, needs American support to oust President Bashar al-Assad of Syria and will probably be prepared to give away any chunk of the UK, if it makes practical sense for him. He has already sold his Tory party to the liberals with such ease that giving away Northern Ireland to the EU will be a piece of cake.

Meanwhile Syria is supposedly dominating the current G8 summit, even though it’s not the case at all and it’s mostly the British PM who wants it to be seen like that. In fact, if the West would stop meddling in Syria’s affairs then some sort of solution could be in the making. For President al-Assad knows that his days are numbered, even though the support given to the rebels by the outside world keeps him in place. He can’t really work out an exit strategy with gangs of jihadists tearing his country apart. Not to mention that religious and other minorities feel that they would face extermination if al-Assad leaves a vacuum and walks away all of a sudden. But this is what Dave and the gang are not wishing anyone to know. The carrot of the huge arms deals promised by the Saudis, who carry a lot of responsibility for what is going on in Syria, is creating a blinding effect for the British PM.

In an ideal world the G8 summit should have been looking at urgent measures to force the banks to start lending and stop strangling millions of people with their extortionate rates of interest. The banks are the main problem in the current economic crisis and until the whole rotten financial system is brought down, nothing will happen. But the G8 summit will not be going after the banks but will discuss cosmetic measures that will simply prolong the current turmoil.

As usual, the whole G8 meeting will be clouded in mystery mostly, with spokesmen saying things that have nothing to do with what was discussed behind closed doors and a meaningless communique issued in the end.

A waste of time really, these G8 summits.

–End–

Ivan Ivanov reports from Pyongyang

As soon as this message was sent to Washington, through a news broadcast on state television, many US diplomats started putting in their resignations, anticipating a formal order from their boss, John ‘Beans Means Heinz’ Kerry, to get going to Pyongyang or some other s..thole, to start talking with the commies.

In case you’re interested in how it was exactly that North Korea formulated its latest threat, it has basically proposed to hold high-level talks on security and nuclear issues, on a senior level, with the US, to supposedly sign a peace treaty to end the current war. Yes, you might not know this, but North Korea is in a state of war with South Korea and the US, 60 years after the Korean War ended. Last month it threatened to nuke both countries, but did not go beyond verbal threats, prompting fears among US diplomats that a peace initiative could be on the cards.

Last week the North Korean National Defence Commission, which is chaired by Kim Jong-un, the young, vibrant communist leader, abruptly cut off all talks with South Korea and it was only a matter of time before a news presenter barked from the screen that Pyongyang was now hoping to drag the US into the process. Diplomats in Moscow, Beijing and Tokyo fear that they might be sucked into the new peace initiative as well, forced to fly to Pyongyang on North Korean Airlines that have no first or business class, no toilets and serve cooked dog meat only. As one diplomat told Stirring Trouble, it would have been better really if North Korea had launched a missile in anger and got wiped out by the yanks. ‘At least this uncertainty would not hang over us all now,’ he added. Honest words from an honest man.

The ominous signs that another dreary peace initiative is in the making came when posters threatening to whack American imperialists disappeared from the walls in Pyongyang, sending alarm bells ringing in the US State Department that a new round of useless talks is coming.

In a desperate attempt to sink the new initiative coming from Pyongyang, US officials told young Kim that the latest talks he is proposing have to be for real, with no confusing rhetoric involved, when a spade is called a ‘digging instrument for the working masses’ and everyone on the Korean side smiles and nods but keeps stalling and promises one thing one day and another thing the next.

The coming several weeks will be crucial, with US diplomats hoping that the new offer of a peace deal from Pyongyang collapses under the weight of communist ideology.

–End–

Dan Majestic reports from Washington

We’ve had spooks from the National Security Agency getting into trouble after one of their own, Edward Snowden, turned whistleblower, revealing that the boys from the NSA were spying on the Web, logging on to the servers of major networks to check on emails and phone calls as part of the operation code named Prism. Then President Barack Obama, big enthusiast of civil liberties, explained that people needed to balance their privacy with the safety of the nation. And now the spooks themselves, who have gotten over the initial shock, are saying that actually it was all worth it, Prism that is, as it helped foil something like a million terrorist plots in 200 countries.

OK, not a million but a lot, and not in 200 countries but in 20. Still, it makes all that spying and intruding into other people’s affairs  look worthwhile. Some excitables might even say: keep on spying on us, dear NSA, we want to be safe from terrorists.

Clever, clever spooks. Know how to calm down the nerves of the jittery public. Especially as it has also been revealed, to US Congress, which then made it public in case you’re mystified, that fewer than 300 phone numbers were actually checked, with the rest collected just for the fun of it. The beauty of it all, of course, is that practically no details of any foiled terrorist plots were provided and not one country where they were prevented was mentioned. Apart from supposedly foiling al-Qaeda’s attempt to blow up the whole of New York’s subway and tracking some terrorist who was linked to another terrorist called Najibullah Zazi – who sounds like a pizza chain, if you ask me.

The rest was kept under wraps. Although noises are  made to the effect that more information is to follow.

Now here’s the deal: of course spooks around the world can claim at any time that collecting data on millions of people without their knowledge can help track down criminals and terrorists. Who could dispute that? It’s the fact that the secret information gathering has been done without any proper scrutiny and has affected other nations as well. That’s where the real fun begins, you see. Not to mention that spooks can now say that Operation Prism helped them to track down Osama Bin Laden, and to prevent a third world war, three times in a row, while helping Barack Obama to keep on doing his job, against the wishes of all sorts of racist scum and neo-Nazis, and no one will be able to contradict them.

And as for the people running the big Internet networks pretending they knew nothing of the widespread spying, well, they can go tell this to their bank managers or publicists if they want. We ain’t buying that. They have been taking all that money from the US government as start-up capital and now they are going to deny that they did not respond in kind. Bit rich of them.

I suppose Steven Spielberg can now do a passionate patriotic film about spooks from the NSA, saving the world from oblivion by spying on the Web. And Harrison Ford can play the brave head of the NSA, who sanctions the secret operation because he cares deeply about the security of the US and pretty much the whole world as well. And it will be a box office hit, just as happens with all that propaganda trash when it hits the big screens in America.

–End–

Ted Obvious  reports from London

Julian, in case you have forgotten, fled from British justice last year, when the High Court ruled that he had to be extradited to Sweden, to face questioning over rape allegations against him made by two women. It turned out that they would not have pressed charges against him, had he worn a condom during sex with them and agreed to take an HIV test afterwards. It appears that in Sweden having unprotected sex and refusing to take a test for an STD can be classified as rape or sexual abuse. Which probably explains why there’s not much intimacy taking place between the locals as of late, with the duty of providing population growth left to immigrants mostly, who are at it like rabbits, condoms or no condoms.

Anyway, Julian is convinced that extradition to Sweden is actually a pretext for him to then be deported to America, where the government is itching to throw the book at him for publishing all those confidential US diplomatic cables he got from Private Bradley Manning in 2010. Manning is currently on trial for ‘aiding the enemy’ in the US and is looking at 25 years behind bars. Julian thinks he will have no chance in a US court and is probably right in his assumptions.

So it’s a stand-off basically between Assange and the British legal system, and the cops are keeping a vigil outside the embassy 24/7, ready to pounce on Julian if he tries to flee.

But a glimmer of hope has appeared on the horizon, with Ecuador’s foreign minister, Ricardo Patiño, arriving in London to discuss the issue. The minister has already met with Assange in the embassy and will meet his British counterpart, William Hague, at some point this week. Mr Patiño is quite keen to see the matter resolved, not least because the embassy staff are starting to feel the pressure of harbouring such a huge worldwide celeb as Assange. Not to mention that Ecuadorian diplomats feel they can no longer have the carefree lifestyle they once enjoyed, with all those cops standing outside all of the bloody time.

Although it’s hard to imagine how the crisis could be resolved, with the British government threatening to arrest Assange the moment he walks out of the embassy, a possible compromise might involve him changing his gender and getting a totally new identity. That would probably change everything, as the two women in Sweden would not want to get one of the sisterhood into trouble, and would drop their charges. Then the whole legal conundrum would be untangled and Assange could become a free woman.

Otherwise he might have to stay in Ecuador’s embassy for the rest of his life, which would basically amount to imprisonment, but with a less strict regime and lacking unconsensual anal sex.

In any case, Assange must be thinking these days that he would have done better if he had been a male stripper or an escort. Good money and lots of women at hand, without the hassle of running an international whistleblowing operation that was probably used by US intelligence to peddle false info anyway.

– End –

Anton Goryunov reports from Istanbul

Yesterday, thousands of supporters of Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan and his AKP gathered in Istanbul in a show of solidarity, while riot police were battling with protesters who were trying to reoccupy Tasim Square and Gezi Park, which were cleared earlier in the day. It is at these two locations that demonstrators have been defying the government since 31 May, when all the trouble started.

Initially it all had to do with plans to build a vast shopping centre over Gezi Park and part of Tasim Square. But when cops dispersed the environmentalists using excessive force, protests erupted in all major cities around the country, inspired, if that’s the right word here, by police brutality.

All of a sudden tens of thousands of people were demanding that Prime Minister Erdogan and his government take a hike; even though Mr Erdogan is considered one of the most popular politicians in recent history, having won three general elections in a row. Gradually it emerged that the people were objecting to corruption generally as well. Not to mention the introduction of restrictions on the sale of alcohol and a ban on kissing in public.

Throughout all this time the cops have been behaving as if they’ve been watching too many movies about police brutality, and using water cannons, tear gas, rubber bullets and stun grenades against the demonstrators with gusto. They must have been unleashing their long-held grievances, whatever they are, on demonstrators. Hundreds have been arrested and thousands hurt, with several people getting killed.

Prime Minister Erdogan has not really been taking this all that well, insisting that the protesters are ‘vandals’ and ‘extremists’ and even ‘terrorists’. He seems to get more annoyed by the day, warning demonstrators that his patience is running out and that he is not going to give in to provocations. In the past several days he has started to accuse ‘foreigners’ and urban fancy folks of trying to bring down his government.

Still, just as Stirring Trouble reported a week ago, there is a sense of confusion as to why the protests are continuing and what exactly it is that the demonstrators want to achieve. When asked, people on the streets find it difficult to actually explain why they are there and what it is about Mr Erdogan and his government that they particularly dislike. The sharper ones say it’s corruption and the creeping Islamisation of the country that upsets them most, but when asked to dwell on it, even the brighter ones somehow find it tough to sound convincing and bugger off.

Meanwhile Western hacks, who have descended on Istanbul and Ankara, are finding it tough to explain what’s going on in Turkey, a NATO member and a great ally of the West. Initially, there were weak attempts to link the troubles with events in Syria and even to suggest that the regime in Damascus had something to do with all that. But that angle faded away quickly and now foreign reporters and scribblers are just saying whatever comes to mind. Which looks rather odd, actually.

The outside world is watching events in Turkey with confusion, although some leaders in some European countries are now quietly fearing that any small incident in their respective nations could spark similar trouble as well. Because, let’s face it, many European governments have been misbehaving in recent years, working against rather than in the interests of their people.

Exciting times beckon for parts of Europe. And, of course, for cops, who really enjoy having a go at demonstrators when given the nod and a wink by their political masters.

–End–