Stood in the Congo

Wife Beater Jailed for Stealing Brother's Ram

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:25:42 +0300

Wife Beater Jailed for Stealing Brother's Ram

"The chocolate bar was SO BIG we had to smash it into portions so that he could at least lift them...."

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 11:18:00 +0300

“The chocolate bar was SO BIG we had to smash it into portions so that he could at least lift them. I’m sure that if he’d had the strength he would have thanked you.”

- Via SMS

"It turned out he had once been the most august chairman of xxxx xx. We felt so sorry for him his..."

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 11:16:52 +0300

“It turned out he had once been the most august chairman of xxxx xx. We felt so sorry for him his condition and the terrible tale of his fall from grace and riches that we gave him all your pressies and chocolate.”

"Draped only in disgusting rags and crouched in partial shade on a threadbare prayer rug he was..."

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 11:14:57 +0300

“Draped only in disgusting rags and crouched in partial shade on a threadbare prayer rug he was holding a battered old bowl whilst mouthing alms bwana tafadali so painfully through grime laden cracked lips”

"Dear William yesterday whilst searching in a distinctly desperate fashion for any kind of lion..."

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 11:06:28 +0300

“Dear William yesterday whilst searching in a distinctly desperate fashion for any kind of lion sighting whatsoever we came across a poor beggar in an appalling physical state.”

Thursday in the Mara.

Thu, 28 May 2009 14:13:25 +0300

Reading the paper?
Yeah, I'm reading the paper.
Today's?
It's never today's, here it's always yesterday.
Um, Tuesday 26th?
Yeah you see, yesterday.

It's Our Turn to Eat

Sat, 23 May 2009 19:49:00 +0300

It’s easy to forget the sheer dreariness of Moi’s Kenya, when the system sought to crush the debate that leads to political challenge. The country’s small group of intellectuals felt besieged. ‘Books were incredibly important, things to be cherished,’ remembers Rasna Warah, a columnist for the Nation. Nairobi bookshops would not officially stock works deemed to offend the presidency, but they could usually be bought discreetly under the counter, hidden amongst a spray of magazines, if you knew the right code word. ‘You never knew for sure what had been officially gazetteed as a banned book,’ says Warah, ‘so you stashed your entire library under your bed. If you owed a book that might have been banned, you photocopied it and it circulated in A4 form, person to person, because then it was easy to hide amongst your ordinary papers.

p.131; It’s Our Turn to Eat, by Michela Wrong

"So I asked him, how do you kill a goat peacefully? And he said, we cover the mouth and the nose..."

Thu, 07 May 2009 07:28:00 +0300

“So I asked him, how do you kill a goat peacefully? And he said, we cover the mouth and the nose until he stops breathing. Ah, I said, so it’s not so peaceful for the goat? Yes, but it makes no noise.”

- Laura

"They tried to bite down on the meat, but instead they got the stone. Now all their teeth have..."

Wed, 06 May 2009 12:53:07 +0300

“They tried to bite down on the meat, but instead they got the stone. Now all their teeth have fallen.”

- Kimanjoi (I’m sure this sounds a lot better in Maa)

Small head explosions occured drinking tea today.

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 20:39:00 +0300

What, so the world is not flat?
No, it's round.
Really?
Yes.
Well that changes things.

I want a normal job with a normal company.

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 13:51:00 +0300

I want a normal job with a normal company.

"William, what can I do about all the sperm in my inbox?"

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 11:59:00 +0300

“William, what can I do about all the sperm in my inbox?”

- Naitoi

"Emoro enkoitoi namunyak, neisiriri enkoitoi naitarrorrisho."

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:55:14 +0300

“Emoro enkoitoi namunyak, neisiriri enkoitoi naitarrorrisho.”

- Maasai Proverb: Zigzag is the way to success, but the straight path leads to failure.

"The shorter the monkey the longer his tail."

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 12:24:00 +0300

“The shorter the monkey the longer his tail.”

- Larigin

Men Engage in Bizarre Act in Trans-Mara

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 19:27:00 +0300

Men Engage in Bizarre Act in Trans-Mara

Always ask permission.

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:46:00 +0300

Where are you going?
Um, toilet.
Okay, you can go.
Um, thank you.
But there's a green mamba in there.
Ah.
And it's big.
Okay, maybe I'll wait.

"I know that we are naked to the market elements again and that what we became the past few years..."

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:10:49 +0300

“I know that we are naked to the market elements again and that what we became the past few years will become as ugly to ourselves as Michael Jackson in the 1990s.”

- Binyavanga Wainaina: If Only Ngugi-wa-Thiong’o knew….

"I think you wanted to say red, but actually you said anus."

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 11:32:30 +0300

“I think you wanted to say red, but actually you said anus.”

- Kimanjoi explains the difference between nyekundu and mukundu.

"First show me the man who has been circumcised by seven swords."

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 11:04:03 +0300

“First show me the man who has been circumcised by seven swords.”

- Siempe

Kenyan Advice

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 09:08:00 +0300

Karibu.
Ah! Never say that word to a Kenyan, do you know what it means?
Um, welcome?
It means anytime. And then anytime they will bother you.