How does the microwave know the food is ready? It doesn’t know. It’s a liar.

If you place a chicken breast in the microwave, and set the timer for 30 seconds, does that mean the chicken is done when the microwave beeps three times and “FOOD IS READY”?

You and I understand “FOOD IS READY” means the microwave successfully microwaved your item for the requested number of seconds, not that the food is indeed “READY”.

But what happens when I upgrade to a computerized model in 2033, and kick the 2008 model to the curb? What if some poor fool stumbles upon it and makes it his own?

Will this young “Man of the Future” be sophisticated enough to know there was a time when microwaves didn’t cook all items to perfection? Simply type in the number of seconds you want it to take to cook your chicken breast, and boom, the microwave cooks the food in the desired time. Microwave assures “FOOD IS READY”.

Consumer digs in and suffers from salmonella.

It took me a few weeks to figure out the proper sequence and timing of flushes to evacuate the bowl. I would flush, wait a second, add an additional flush, and then a final flush a second later to finish it off. The flushes would overlap, in effect.

Well someone tweaked the flush, and now I find myself struggling to evacuate the bowl again.

The toilet flush is so intense initially, it obliterates the feces into a million bits, rather than gently coaxing the log through like you would expect from a proper toilet. After doing this, the flush weakens rapidly and simply scatters the feces around the bowl, necessitating the additional flushes.

IKEA is coming (49 sec mp3)

After a five year break, I’m back on the radio. Afternoons 3-7 on K-Jo 105.5 in St. Joe.

Anyway, how about a show clip? Woo.

Rumors swirled about Bacon Shortage of 2013. It’s hoaxish, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have mass hysteria.

Stooks Reporter Steve Schnell caught up with Hanna Illbean from the Porky Expresso Coffee and Bacon Shop to discuss the rumor.

The Porky Expresso Coffee and Bacon Shop (2:18 mp3)

The bill is perfectly flat. It’s in the two o’clock position.

Why not point the bill straight ahead? It would give equal shade to both eyes.

If the sun were at two o’clock, it would make sense to point the cap that direction. I doubt this particular teen has that much sense.

Bears have notoriously sensitive assholes. While camping, one should take care to hide any and all deluxe toilet paper and baby wipes. In the event of an attack, wipe the bear asshole with leaves.

Stop asking me for spare change.

I don’t have spare change. I have change that I’ve yet to spend. If the monetary system collapses and my change ceases to have worth, I will have spare change.

I also don’t have an extra cigarette for you. I don’t have cigarettes for myself. And, if I did, what causes a cigarette to become “extra?”

“Yes, I was planning on smoking exactly six of these cigarettes, yet I have seven. This one is extra. Enjoy.”

Do you hope that a random person walking by just might happen to be quitting and looking to get rid of extra cigarettes?

You give bums a bad name.

Matt

A drive-thru begger has a tiny cardboard sign with illegible writing. If you give him money, he could buy a Sharpie, make a better sign, then get high off the Sharpie. Or maybe he should get high off the Sharpie before making the sign. It’s really up to the individual homeless to decide whether to influence his art with Sharpie sniffing.

What is the business model for drive-thru begging?

While we all enjoy the convenience of ignoring a freezing beggar from the comfort of our climate-controlled vehicles, I don’t think we’ve been rewarding this premium service by throwing change out the window.

Drive-thru beggars deserve higher pay. Next opportunity, throw some coins out your window at a beggar as you drive by. That’s change we all can believe in.

“He loves dogs as much as I do” seems to be the winning answer for “How do you know you are loved?” Just look at the giant text.

I find this answer twisted.

You know you are loved because he loves dogs as much as you do? That only makes sense if you are both loving dogs in a way that only two, lifelong poodle-screwers could.

Sick.

Sasquatch Back to School 3 (1:38 mp3)

If I had a disfigured face, I would never leave the house.

I would have everything delivered. I would wear a ski mask when I answered the door.

I’m not sure how I would make money. I bet I could get on disability with a face like that.

Are the small cups necessary to keep costs down for a free item? Do they deter soda theft?

The truth is these establishments are bullying you into buying a drink.

Six ounces can’t quench a lunchtime thirst. You’ll require frequent, humiliating refill trips, parading your cheap ass around the place with your Dixie cup exposed for all to see.

You press a little lever on the lemonade slot to get the water. How dainty do you look pressing it, shot glass in hand? How many germs are on that thing? Poopy index fingers all over it.

All the other beverages are activated by pressing a mostly germ-free cup into the soda fountain. Magic does the filling.

Why don’t you just make me lick the floor to earn my tiny water?

How does He-Man turn back into Prince Adam? Does he have another phrase? Does He-Man wear off after awhile, and you become Prince Adam again?

My guess is he reverts to Prince Adam immediately after coitus with Teela.

Take me, Battlecat

The black light assures guests a clean room, while also encouraging them to avoid spilling fluids all over the walls. This isn’t a whorehouse.

This will never happen, as we simply love rolling around in each others dried up goo.

Even a plain man with a mustache can get on TV as long as he has “Fox” on his cheek.

What drives a grown man to sellout so hard just to have his face known for a brief second?