This move earns a rating of “No Stashes. Clean shaven.”

Why not consider legalizing public urination outside courthouses and city halls?  It would save on water and sewage infrastructure. Plus, everyone would score a mental benefit from literally pissing on the government.

Problem solved.

Today, I was working with a lady and her male companion.  Both were in their 50s.  Toward the end of our long discussion, the smell of liquid scat filled the air.  Was it truly a fecal discharge?  Unlikely.  Even the most vile person would flee the area upon a pant deposit.  It had to be none other than the dreaded diarrhea fart.

While the smell was disgusting, I was more concerned with my customers thinking I had dealt it.  The suspects: me, the lady, her dude, and a lone passerby.  I can immediately rule out myself, and I’m fairly certain the lady didn’t concoct that rancid ass.  I didn’t get a good enough look at the passerby to give him better than even odds with the lady’s dude.

I couldn’t help but make a face when the smell hit me, but I didn’t notice the lady and her dude recoil.  Maybe the dude has some funky ass, and the lady has accepted it?

This is the ideal scenario, as the alternative horrifies me.

What if the passerby was the skunk?  Did he deliberately plant his seed right in our laps just to make an awkward scene?  Does he get his jollies going store to store, looking for victims of his gaseous talents?

If so, what an evil, brilliant asshole.

Is it really that hard to make severe weather look tolerable on a widescreen TV? I shouldn’t lose 50 percent of my screen to thunderstorms.

Fox 4, consider yourself “4WARNED!”

Looks tasty, doesn’t it?

Here’s what you need:

One can Boyardee Beef Ravioli.

Add one plate.

Throw in one finger.

Combine can contents with the uppermost surface of the plate.

Cook in my microwave for precisely one minute, nine seconds.

Remove from microwave.  

Put it in your mouth and digest.

Happy eating!

Case in point: When I was ordering Internet from my cable company, the sales guy asked what I was going to do for TV.  I told him I was going to grab over-the-air HD with an antenna.  That’s when he told me that my TV would no longer work in February after the digital transition.  

Wow.  Make sure your non-cable friends know that giant spoon-fulls of shit are being shoved down their throats.