Do you remember the crazy female astronaut that drove 1000 miles in a diaper to accost her romantic rival? She was packing all kinds of tools and stuff that you would find on pretty much any serial killer worth their money. In fact, she even was wearing a nifty disguise so she could sneak up on her mark. Remember her…Lisa Nowak? Here’s her pic.

Well, she was just sentenced to two days in jail and one year’s probation in exchange for pleading guilty. Now, before you think she got off too easily, she has also been ordered to write her victim a letter of apology. And not just any letter of apology. The judge says it has to be “a sincere letter of apology, not one of these vanilla things that I see from other defendants.” I don’t know about you, but if someone was trying to kill me I would definitely want to get a letter from them. In fact, maybe we could even become pen pals.

Judge Marc Lubet, obviously a refugee from France, came up with this stupid punishment. What the hell kind of sentence is two days? How can you even come up with such a ridiculous number? Why not 6 hours and 37 minutes of hard labor? Did it hurt when you pulled that number out of your ass, judge? It doesn’t matter anyway because they gave her time served on the 2 days so she doesn’t actually have to clear her schedule to make it happen. She is also supposed to take 8 hours of anger management classes but since she has been in “therapy” for 1.5 years, the judge waived that order as well.

Can we revisit the a couple of details because clearly the judge and I read different versions of the story. First, who drives 1000 miles to “just talk” to someone? I could go maybe 50 miles but that’s about it. And I am fairly confident that although I might have a weak bladder, I still wouldn’t be wearing a diaper. (And no, I am not at all admitting to having a weak bladder).

Beyond that, I doubt I would have a disguise and a bag full of questionable items. Such as a mallet, duct tape, pepper spray, bb gun, knife, rubber tubing, and other items that just scream, “I’m fixin’ to rock your world!” There were also allegations that she had a gun, nun chucks, death stars, a book on Jujitsu, Peppermint Patties, a dwarf, and several packets of pop rocks that could have been used in a most devious manner. However, this could not be confirmed. In spite of all of the this, Judge Ito Lubet seemingly found nothing terribly disconcerting. Mmm…ok.

Nowak is, not surprisingly, also not supposed to go near her victim or the paramour that both were pursuing at the time. Hopefully, this means she can spend some more quality time with her husband and 3 children who she deserted when she ran off to find “Mr. Right Stuff”. The rumors that she has been chosen to endorse Depends adult diapers is said to be false. However, Brinks Home Security has asked her to guest star in their next stalker commercial. I hope she gets the job. I love stories with a happy ending.

Phillip Rogers was not at all happy with his wife, Tammy. In fact, he was so agitated with her, he told her, “Why don’t you just go kill yourself?” Tammy, not at all intimidated by Phillip, told him to go fetch the gun for her.

In a moment straight out of The Deer Hunter, Tammy put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, the gun was not loaded and nothing happened. This would have been a good time for both parties to take a step back and think about what just transpired.

Because they were drunk, however, the situation only went from bad to worse. Phil, being the type of guy to see things to the end, at this point loaded the gun for Tammy and handed it back to her. She proceeded to point the gun at her head again, pull the trigger, and for all practical purposes, put herself in a vegetative state for the rest of her life.

Of course, this is just Phil’s version of the story. While it seems totally believable, I think I would go with a version that has the part in it where Phil loads the gun and shoots his wife. While she may have pulled the trigger once, had he handed the loaded gun to her the second time, I am confident we would be reading about the now dead Phillip Rogers.

(Phil, giving you his evil “do it” look).

In any case, Phil still got charged with “assisting with an attempted suicide”. Something tells me that this carries somewhat less of a charge than, say, premeditated murder. Nice job, Phil. You might be able to swing some sort of suspended sentence or parole out of the deal.

When Phil was arrested, he allegedly told the police officers to “jump off of a bridge”. Four officers drowned after taking these instructions to heart. Phil just has that kind of effect on people. In fact, when he was arraigned, he told the judge to “stick his head up his ass”. After several minutes of trying to comply, an embarrassed Judge Buford T. Justice called for a recess to wash the poop out of his hair.

Kissimmee police: Here are a few other cases that didn’t happen the way you think they did. Ron and Nicole did not just slip and fall several times on top of a sharp knife. Jimmy Hoffa did not lie down to “take a nap” in a concrete pit. The Menendez Brothers were not crocheting an “I love Mom and Dad” shotgun sheath when the gun “accidentally” went off. David Carradine was not spanking his monkey when he just happened to hang himself. (Wait…he did? Ok, don’t count that one).

Anyway, get to work and don’t let this guy off the hook.

A South Carolina man was arrested after a horse owner videotaped him having sex with her horse. Rodell Vereen (maybe or maybe not a relative of Ben Vereen) was convicted of “buggery” and sentenced to 5 years in jail. Oh, and he is never allowed to go to that stable again.

(Rodell looking really, really sad over the loss of his horse lover).

Rodell was also arrested in 2007 for “buggery”…with the same damned horse. That offense earned him probation and he had to file as a sex offender. I am not sure if there is an animal sexual offender list or if everyone is just lumped into together. Clearly, Rodell is in love with this animal.

Some of you may be thinking, “didn’t I just read about this a few months ago?” Indeed you did. Except that was an entirely different case. James Michael Tait was charged with having sex with a horse in Tennessee. Actually, several horses as it turns out.

Like Rodell, James also has a history with the ponies. In 2005, he was caught filming Kenneth Pinyan having sex with a horse. Unfortunately for Kenneth, the horse did not appreciate his lovemaking skills and kicked the crap out of him. He died later from internal injuries. Although police found over 100 bestiality videos in Tait’s home, there was no bestiality law in place at the time so he was charged with trespassing and fined $300.

(James thinking about how the other animal loving inmates are going to deal with him. Tossed salad, anyone?)

In both cases, it would appear that the men were “pitchers” rather than “catchers”. This was probably good thinking on their part. To their credit, they both must be hung like horses to be having sex with them. I have seen the documentaries where the doctor sticks his whole arm inside the horse. Obviously, these guys were too big to have sex with women so what were they supposed to do? Somewhere, John Holmes is nodding his head thinking, “I feel their pain”.

As for the horses, the only apparent injuries they sustained were infections. Still, they are no doubt humiliated and, for that reason, their identities have been concealed. However, thanks to my inside connections, I was able to get a photo of one of the horses that may have been involved.

It is rumored that Matthew Broderick is quite distressed over the entire incident.

The animal advocacy group PETA released the following statement after seeing Michelle Obama dressed in the costume below.

While we appreciate that Mrs. Obama was trying to go for the “cat woman” look with her Halloween costume, she has only opened the door for the continued slaughter of leopards. How many children will see the First Lady and decide that they too want such a costume? The likelihood of massive groups of children flying to Africa and killing leopards is terrifying.

Beyond this issue, the Cat Woman actually wore black leather. While PETA does not endorse the wearing of leather, we believe that Mrs. Obama should have at least made the effort to get it right.

The criticism of the Obama Halloween gathering at the White House did not stop there. The NAACP also released a scathing memo regarding the attire of President Obama.

We at the NAACP were deeply distressed to see Barack Obama dressed as a “black man” for Halloween. It appears he was wearing some sort of Bill Cosby costume and we found this to neither be humorous or accurate. For instance, Mr. Cosby always wears colorful sweaters. Mr. Obama’s failure to meet this basic criteria is deplorable. More disconcerting is the “blackface” that the President thought would be humorous to wear. (Or, in this case, “brownface”).

Although we understand that President Obama is allegedly “partially” black, his effort to portray a real modern day black man falls woefully short of the mark. Where are the gold chains or teeth? Where is the entourage of scantily clothed women? How come Kanye wasn’t invited to the event?

There are a litany of questions we will prepare and present to Mr. Obama once Al and Jesse are back from their vacation in Cabo. We will demand answers.

Lastly, there were several complaints from the children at the event. In keeping with his campaign to improve the health of US citizens, the President and First Lady handed out vegetables from their organic garden to the young trick or treater’s. Young Bubba Stump had this to say. “My daddy drove me all the way from Texas to get a carrot stick? Are you fu**ing kidding me?”

Overall, a tragic Halloween for the First Family. In a bit of good news, the Obama children were not at the event as they were attending a large party at the abandoned Bernie Madoff estate. Miley Cyrus provided entertainment while actor extraordinaire David Hasselhoff did drunken magic tricks. It is reported a good time was had by all.

Lou Dobbs called police to say that someone had shot at his house while his wife was standing outside. While I am sure Lou would be flattered if someone actually cared enough to shoot him, let alone his wife, my info is that the house was just trying to off itself. 

Since a house doesn’t have any arms, my sources tell me that a hit man was hired to do the dirty work. I imagine the shooter had a high power rifle because a house is pretty hard to take down with one shot. It would seem that as the gunman was ready to do his duty, Lou pulled up and flashed that shit eating grin of his with his super white teeth. The sniper was temporarily blinded, pulled the trigger, and the shot ricocheted off of a tree and bounced harmlessly off of the house. The home is said to be completely inconsolable at the moment. 

Of course, as I mentioned, Lou thinks someone was out to get him or his wife. He blames it on his position on illegal aliens and will no doubt specifically blame someone named Paco before it is all said and done. I would have leaned toward a disgruntled “birther” who feels that Lou just isn’t trying hard enough to make their absurd argument. 

Lou just doesn’t understand how someone could be so riled up that they would do such a thing. Hmm…it is quite the conundrum. A litany of “celebrity journalists” go on the air each day and try to provoke as much dissension as humanly possible to drive their ratings up. Could it be that some of the listeners that have the education and moral compass of an earthworm just might slip over the edge and pull the trigger? 

Not according to the local police department. They insist that it is hunting season and, since Lou lives in the middle of nowhere, a stray bullet hit his house. Hence the lack of impact. 

My God, how boring of a story would that be? I think, and I can’t prove this, that if the house didn’t do it, then it probably had something to do with illegal aliens, Obama, CNN bigwigs, Larry King, Bill O’Reilly and Bill Clinton. In fact, it was likely a conspiracy between all of them…or not. 

Lou – newsflash. No one cares about you. You can keep whitening those dentures until they are damned near translucent but still, no one will care. You are too late to get on the gravy train. Geraldo, O’Reilly, Beck, and even freaking Morton Downey Jr. beat you to the punch. You are just a grumpy old dude that has viewers because people that are too lazy to get up and change the channel after rubbing one off to the magnificent Betty Nguyen. Get over yourself you giant douche monkey. 

Mmmm….Betty Nguyen…I feel a party coming on!

You know how I ask you to indulge me every now and then? Well, this is one of those times. Stop your damned groaning and just deal with it. 

A person that I consider to be a good friend shared with me some of the pain she is currently going through. As I read her words, I realized that I could have written the exact same thing. It was really quite remarkable. Unfortunately, although I feel terrible for her, I am probably the least equipped person in the world to help someone else. So, I thought if I can’t help, at least I can share my own experience and maybe in some odd way, that will help. Kind of a “safety in numbers” thing. 

My most recent doctor told me I am severely depressed. Of course, I already knew this so it came as no surprise. I am a fully functionally but there is no joy in Mudville. Sleep is one of my best companions. My wife is an angel and endures the process which is imminently unfair to her. Still, when we married, this is what we both signed up for. She just happened to get the short end of the stick. 

Honestly, I would have preferred that the doctor had said “severely depressed” in a nicer way. It’s like telling an ugly person, “Jesus Christ! You make the Elephant Man look like a hot piece of ass”. Maybe there just isn’t a nice way to say. It reminds me of another doctor whispering into his tape machine some years ago, “white male, moderately obese”. Moderately obese? Are you fu**ing kidding me? I weighed like 210 at the time and I’m 6’1”. He might as well have said, “white male, kind of looks like John Candy”. Funny how certain words carry more weight than others. 

My newest doctor then went on to ask if I were suicidal and, if not, had I at least put together any kind of plan. I told him no on both counts. Is there a scenario where people say yes? “Well doc, I have been thinking about it and I am leaning towards the David Carradine method. You know, rub one off one more time and then be found in all of my glory”. I guess they have to ask but it seems a little surreal. 

I have been to a psychologist maybe 10 to 15 times in my life. I totally understand why people do it. Who doesn’t want to sit around and talk about nothing but themselves for an hour at a time? It is the ultimate narcissistic endeavor. Not to be demeaning, but these doctors are, in essence, prostitutes of the mind. That let you skull fu** them for 60 minutes. Does it work? Does getting a $25 hummer from Shaniqua downtown solve your problems at home? I don’t know. 

My friend told me about all of the methods she has pursued in achieving a better state of mind. It was an impressive list and I was awed by the amount of work she has put into making herself feel healed. It is a shame that her hard work has not paid off yet. My approach has been to ask for the newest pill. I am a child of the ‘70’s so chemistry is something I have a lot of confidence in. Big Pharma absolutely loves people like me and we are an ever growing army. I know very few people that don’t drug up in one fashion or another. 

I guess where all this leads to is a big honking group of unhappy people. When you ask why, none of us can ever really answer the question. It is an answer that is just always over the horizon and slightly out of reach. I suspect that many of us are consumed by aspiration and can’t quite accept that Nirvana is a cruel hoax. 

So why write about any of this? Because my friend hurts and I just want her to know that I hurt for her. I can’t say these words to her because I don’t have it in me. When I see her next, I am sure I will say something caustic and cynical. Maybe something like, “Heard any good suicide stories lately?” But somewhere deep inside, I will be pulling for her to find a place where she can be comfortable. I think she deserves it. I think we all do. 

Well, this was quite uncomfortable, wasn’t it? As always, thanks for playing along. TL

EDIT: My wife thinks maybe I put too much out there. You know what? Sometime you just have to throw your dick on the table and say, “look at it”. I felt this was one of those times. (I would not encourage you to do this at work or in mixed company).

2nd EDIT: I often wonder why people read this blog. After all, I spend the vast majority of my time alienating people and just generally trying to cause trouble. Now I know the answer.

You people are all crazy! And this makes me happy. Thank you.

As you know, I hate all politicians. However, I must give credit where credit is due. Governor Schwarzenegger was replying to some bill from the California State Legislature and wrote this: 

Sure, it probably took a ton of hours for Arnie’s staff to make this reasonably coherent. And, this no doubt cost the taxpayers of California a pretty penny. Still, it is funny as hell. This is the kind of behavior that just might instill confidence in our political leaders once more.

Tell me again why Arnold can’t be POTUS? And don’t use the citizen thing…Barry already broke that rule. 

Credit to Tim Redmond at the SFBG

A Paris court fined the church 900k for fraud. The court stated that the church pressured its members to give large amounts of money for questionable financial gain. The original complaint arose when a member of the church quit and wanted her money back. 

How funny is this? What makes it particularly amusing is that you can pretty much substitute any church denomination and get the same results. Sure, most call it “tithing” but, let’s face it, a spade is a spade. When you quit the Catholic church, do you get your money back? Didn’t think so. 

The judge stated that the church was “obsessed” with monetary gain and their practices were aimed at putting members into a “state of subjection”. Dude, maybe you should hop a bus to Italy and take a look at the Vatican. Now that’s a group that is obsessed with monetary gain. As for the “state of subjection” charge, what church would pass that litmus test? 

Don’t get me wrong, Scientology seems to be full blown crazy. But, from my point of view, so is every other established religion I can think of. I realize no one really gives a crap about the French because that country has gone to hell in a hand basket. Still, the precedent has been set. Wait until the Jews line up outside of their Synagogue asking for a refund. Rabbi Rabinowitz is not going to be a happy camper. 

I hope when L Ron Hubbard comes back from the big rocket ship in the sky, he points his photon torpedos at the French first. Granted, the odds are pretty slim that L Ron will be showing up anywhere ever but, you have to admit, it would be pretty damned funny. Tom Cruise could be the new king and any guy over 5’ 5” would have to have his legs shortened so Tom would tower over them. The women can be tall because Tom is cool with that. 

(Tom says, “The power of Tannerleah compels you! The power of Tannerleah compels you!)

A word of advice to all of my religious friends out there. Stop giving money to your respective churches immediately. You are putting them in danger of being charged with fraud and you wouldn’t want to be the reason that TD Jakes or Joel Osteen gets put in the slammer, would you? 

Instead, send your money directly to me. I personally think 10% is kind of low but do what your heart tells you to do. I will then “reallocate” the money to the various organizations without their solicitation. Kind of like how the US Treasury operates. Your churches will still be funded, minus an administration fee, and no one can be accused of fraud or intimidation. I know…you are thinking, “You are the awsomest TL”. I do it because I care. Now stop reading and start filling up my PayPal account. Do it for the children.

Larry Whitten knows what it takes to whip a failing hotel into shape. He has over 40 years in the hotel industry and has a reputation of taking hotels that are struggling financially and turning them around. 

What is his secret? Upgrading the appliances? Refurnishing the rooms? Nope. His secret is to get Hispanic workers to a) stop speaking Mexican and b) giving them good “white” names. So, for instance, Rafael is now known as Ralph. Jesus is now known as, well, Jesus. (Ok…that’s probably not a good example). 

Naturally, the Hispanic workers at his hotel are throwing a fit over these new rules. They say that they have every right to speak Mexican if they want. They also insist that they have a right to use their given name; regardless of how difficult it is for Anglo’s to pronounce. 

Larry probably should have known he was going to have trouble simply due to the fact that his hotel is located in Taos, New MEXICO! (As if Old Mexico just wasn’t large enough to hold everyone). Apparently, the locals are a bunch of tree huggers and support the illegal immigrants. And let’s be honest. If you work at a hotel or in an orchard of any type, you are illegal. 

I can remember when we went through this with black people. Remember how they came over here with those hard to pronounce names like Mandingo and Kunta Kinte? Remember how we squashed the crap out of that immediately and gave them names like Paul and Toby? That’s the America I know and love. We then had normal names for almost 200 years. Hell, the Jacksons were hugely famous with regular names. (Except Tito. I don’t know what the hell happened there). 

Sure, there has been some backlash and we are back to crazy names for the black folks. Names like Shaniqua, Kanye, Barack. (All of which fail spell check). Still, they speak English and even gave up on trying to make Ebonics a real language. 

This is what our Hispanic friends need to do. Embrace their whiteness and rename themselves after 60’s TV stars. (The only exception being Beaver). Then, learn to speak American! I was shopping in Miami one time and ALL of the people were speaking gibberish. I yelled, “Hey Mexicans! Speak English!” They started flapping their arms, like they do, but continued speaking Mexican because they obviously knew no English. 

Some of this is our fault. When we white people sing “La Bamba” and “Feliz Navidad”, we are only encouraging this type of lawless behavior. Look, if Salma Hayek can speak American, by God, everyone else can too. (Insert gratuitous Salma Hayek photo).  

Or, perhaps it is not. I need someone to tell me what to think. I know this runs contrary to my request to be left alone to make decisions for myself but there is only so much time in any given day. I suspect to really know the truth, I would have to read a bunch of stuff and interpret graphs. Not gonna happen. 

A new poll says that 57% of Americans believe in global warming. While this seems like a pretty good percentage, the number of believers is actually decreasing. I would like to go with the majority but, I am not sure if these people can be trusted. 

Anecdotally, there have been really hot and really cold days recently. So, from my own personal experience, I could make a case either way. As to the ice caps melting and all that crap, I don’t get out of the country much so I don’t know what is going on. Tree huggers say they are shrinking, everyone else says they are growing. 

Al Gore seems to have done a lot of work on this subject but I don’t think that someone that really believes in global warming would own a big house or be fat. If Al looked like a 125 pound hippie living in a tent, he would be much more likely to get my vote. (Same goes for Bono although he does not have the fat issue. Still, how much energy is wasted making those huge glasses he wears? He doesn’t really give a shit). 

T Boone Pickens used to believe and bought all of those damned windmills to prove his point. Then he realized that Americans will NEVER give up SUV’s and consumption and just as quickly jumped off of the bandwagon. I don’t know what Barry thinks because he is still mulling it over. I think if New York City goes underwater; he might just be ready to make a stance…maybe. 

I wish Dubya or Cheney were still in charge because I always knew that they could be trusted to tell me the truth. Now, I have no one. Well, maybe Michael Moore but, again, he has the fat man issue. 

The bottom line is that I need one of you to tell me which way to go on this. I know that I am one of the few people in the world that has not studied this issue in depth so I know I can trust your opinions. If you have stories of how you put an egg on the sidewalk and it either froze or fried, that would be helpful. Also, if I end up either believing or not believing global warming, you need to tell me how to behave. For instance, if I don’t believe, should I buy a Hummer? (And I don’t mean the good kind). If I do believe, should I cover my house in tin foil to trap the escaping radiation generated by using a variety of Axe products? I am so confused. 

Your help is greatly appreciated. TL