Stop Arguing Now

my husband uses our young son to "prove points" to me

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 02:32:04 +0000

blackhawk says:	roobey says:
When my husband thinks that I'm doing something that isn't safe for our son he does really stupid and dangerous things to prove points to me, usually by making sarcastic comments to our son telling him to do something dangerous. For instance, I take gummy vitamins which I keep on the kitchen counter. My husband mentioned a couple times he didn't think they should be on the counter because opur son might get them, but I kept them on the counter anyways because they were far enough on the counter that there was no way our son could have reached them and if somehow he did they had a child proof cap that he could not have opened. When he saw me taking them I explained that they were Mommy's vitamins and only for Mommy and he never showed any interest whatsoever in them and I wanted them on the counter so I wouldn;t forget to take them. Yesterday when my husband saw they were still on the counter he held them up to our son and said, "Hey, you want some candy?" and of course he wanted some and was very upset when my husband put them in the cabinet. Today when I took my vitamins our son cried becuase he wanted some "candy" too. So now this thing that our son never noticed and wasn't an issue is a huge issue and I have to be extra viligant to keep the vitamins away from him sonce he will now be looking for them which is exactly what my husband wanted. He's done things like this before, telling our son to grab things off the counter that he shouldn't have or to play with something within his reach that my husband shouldn't think he should be playing with. My husband's thinking is that if he makes our son aware of these things that I'm overlooking I will pay more attention and supervise our son more closely. I think it's horrible that he does this and is downright dangerous and is terrible parenting. I want him to stop doing this but my husband doesn't see any problem with it.	My wife is not as attentive as I feel she should be when it comes to our son. She leaves him unsupervised for longer than she should and will leave things within his reach that are dangerous. I want to make my wife aware of what could happen if she isn't more careful. I know if she knows that our son is aware of these things she will make sure that he stays away from them. Whenever I do this with my son it's something that I have told my wife was dangerous numerous times and she just hasn't listened. I told her her vitamins should not be on the counter a bunch of times and she still didn't move them. She doesn't take me seriously when I tell her my concerns and I have found that actually showing her the trouble our son could get into rather than just telling her and having her ignore me is much more effective.
Comments and Votes

Unquestioning Support?

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 17:36:12 +0000

He thinks I view all of his discipline of our kids as suspect and don't support him enough. I say that's not true at all!
lizt73 says:	apollo says:
Last night about 10:45, my 11 year old shows up at my bedroom door and tells me that his father, down in the livingroom wants to see me. Confused as to why my kid is bearing this message, I ask why. He says, "I don't know. I think it's about the speakers." Even more confused, I press him trying to find out what is going on. After a couple more questions, it comes out that the kid had been in the kitchen trying to get a set of computer speakers well after his bedtime and his dad confronted him. This kid and his dad have a habit of getting into confrontations that go south, so I assumed that his dad had started a confrontation, stopped and sent the kid to go get me to help work it out. So, I lit into the kid for not being up front about what was going on. He does have a history of leaving important parts of stories out if they make him look bad and this looked like a particularly egregious example. I really went after him; pointed out his history of doing such things, that it was lying plain and simple, that he had better never, ever, ever do it again, that coming upstairs over an hour after he had been sent to bed for anything was unacceptable, he should have dealt with it sooner instead of waiting until it was so late, that he couldn't have the speakers (that he wanted so he could use them for the alarm clock) and that he damn well better not oversleep and miss the bus. We get downstairs to where my husband is and my husband informs me that not only did the kid not tell me what was going on, but that my husband had also confronted him about not having completed his after-dinner kitchen job and, of course, being up way past bedtime. then he sent him to bed. And that at no time did the kid stop and tell his dad the reason he needed the speakers. Plus, a couple of minutes after the 11 year old was sent to bed, our 15 year old son came upstairs to try and get the speakers. When my husband asked him what he was doing, the 15 year old said that the 11 year old had asked him to come upstairs to get the speakers for him. At which point, dad calls for the 11 year old and says, "we need to talk about this. Go get your mother." As soon as his dad finishes explaining to me that not only was the kid up, not telling the whole story but had tried to get around something he had been prevented from doing himself by sending his brother to do it for him, the 11 year old protests that he did not ask or tell his brother to go get the speakers. we call up our other two sons and it is confirmed that the 11 year old had not asked for the 15 year old to go get the speakers. He had told them what happened and the 15 year old, concerned about over-sleeping in the morning, had taken it upon himself to get the speakers. My issuing of the riot act continues for a few more minutes to make sure that 11 year old is clear that he must be upfront about his role in things, etc. Then he's sent back to bed. As I was falling asleep, however, it occurred to me that I had almost certainly been unfair to the 11 year old. From his perspective, he tried to get the speakers, got in trouble, was sent to bed, was called back upstairs and told to go get me without any explanation. Since we do not generally reprimand our kids and then call them back to be reprimanded some more just cuz, he logically assumed the reason he had been called back and sent to get me had something to do with his brother's attempt to get the speakers. Hence his answer, "I don't know. I think it has something to do with the speakers." It wasn't a great answer, but he hadn't actually been deliberately withholding information, I had just incorrectly assumed that he was coming straight from the confrontation with his dad rather than having been recalled without further explanation and sent to get me. When I told my husband in the morning that I thought I had made a mistake and jumped to an incorrect assumption the night before, he got upset with me. My husband is convinced that I do not support him when it comes to dealing with the 11 year old. I do not think this is remotely true. What is true, however, is that the 11 year old is a poor communicator and my husband tends to be a poor listener, so misunderstandings between them are not at all uncommon. I have no hesitation about coming down on the kid like a ton of bricks when he does something wrong. However, the kid is already convinced that he is treated unfairly all the time and would prefer to focus on that rather than think about any wrongdoing on his part. If you let him, he will walk away convinced he has been mistreated when he's actually just refusing to acknowledge his role in things. So, I habitually make a point of getting to the root of what has gone on with him both so that he cannot deny his role in wrongdoing and so that we don't lose credibility (and fuel his martyr complex) by actually being unfair to him. In the process, it does happen that I sometimes figure out that there has been a mistunderstanding. when this happens, I apologize to the kid. I do point out the role that his past behaviors (such as in this case, not being completely upfront about his own wrongdoing in the past influenced my thinking about the current situation) and how when we have a habit of doing something wrong, we set ourselves up to get in trouble even when we didn't actually do anything wrong. However, when this happens and my husband has been involved, hubby tends to become very defensive and feels that I am not supporting him and choosing sides against him. In this case, my husband tried to insist that the 11 year old was indeed being dishonest because he hadn't brought up the fact that he had gotten in trouble just a few minutes earlier for being up past bedtime and not doing his job. I said that since he had already been reprimanded for those things and sent to bed, it made sense that he wouldn't have thought to include those two issues when talking to me. My husband insisted that since such a short amount of time had passed between the 11 year old being reprimanded, sent to bed and then recalled to go get me, he should have included those items. I said that since the 15 year old trying to get the speakers was the event that triggered the 11 year old being called back, it would only make sense that it was about the speakers and not the other two issues. Now my husband feels that I have withdrawn my support for him. I went to my son and apologized for jumping to the conclusion that he was being deceptive with me. i also re-iterated that he still should have gotten the speakers when he was sent to bed instead of 1 1/2 hours later, that he was going to have to do more work in the kitchen tonight because he didn't do his job the night before, that he needed to learn to communicate better so his dad doesn't accidentally end up treating him unfairly and that his history of leaving out pertinent information to make himself look better set him up for this problem to begin with. He accepted my apology and acknowledged that he needed to do better at the things I had listed. In my husband's eyes, I have now under-cut his credibility with the 11 year old. He thinks that the 11 year old will walk away thinking that he won and dad lost - again. I think that when we acknowledge our errors, it gives us more credibility when we do stick to our guns on those things we are correct on. I think it creates trust which makes it easier to for us to discipline on an ongoing basis. He thinks I should give him my unconditional support and unquestioningly accept his actions and telling of events when he has a confrontation with one of the kids. He thinks this will show the kids that I respect him and they should too which will make them more likely to listen to him in the future. He thinks that some misbehavior - particularly on our 11 year old's part - is caused by them thinking I will side with them if dad confronts them. I think that this has no basis in reality. Also, when I originally talked w/my husband about my re-evaluation of events, he seemed to acknowledge that my concerns were correct. But after I had already apologized to the kid hubby told me that he didn't want to start a fight with me before, but that he actually thought that my concerns were incorrect due to the two other issues being left out as discussed above. So now, I've apologized for something that my husband doesn't think we were wrong about. That's something I would normally only do in really extreme cases like if dad had punished one of them for not stabbing someone who made fun of their little sister or something. If I think we were wrong and my husband thinks we were not, I generally prefer to let my kids believe they were treated unfairly than to think that I'm telling them that dad's wrong but he's just too big a jerk to admit it or something like that. I really do try to handle these issues carefully and with an eye towards making sure legitimate errors are given proper attention and maintaining credibility for my husband and myself. that is my first priority - not just making sure that everything's perfectly fair all the time. However, when my husband and I disagree over how something was handled, he tends to see that as me picking sides against him even when I haven't said anything to the kids about the fact that I think something was wrong. I don't think it's right or reasonable to expect me to never ask any questions or raise any concerns about the way problems with the kids are handled. he thinks I don't really support him in his discipline with the kids and view everything he does as suspect. I treat my own interactions with the kids the same way and resent my husband trying to make this about me betraying him.	There is such a long history behind this whole thing. I do feel like my wife takes sides against me - particularly with this kid. He has a long history of trying being deceptive about his part in confrontations. And I think that he plays this whole "I'm being treated unfairly thing" up just to suck my wife in. And it works! It seems like she looks for any possible way to excuse his bahvior when she should just back me up. I do feel like I have to defend myself all the time when it comes to how I have dealt with the kids. It's like a constant "did you consider this? did you ask about this? Did you say this?" How about just giving me some credit and assume that I'm not an idiot and I'm not out to get my own kids?
Comments and Votes

Cooking for a grown-up picky eater

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 17:26:43 +0000

My husband complains about every meal I serve
mollycoddle says:	bob.the.builder says:
My husband is a grown-up picky eater. He wants a full, homecooked meal every day, but more often than not, he complains that what I make him is not what he wants to eat. There are already a lot of things like fish and most vegetables that he won't eat which I think is ridiculous. So when I cook something that I know he likes, it is extra frustrating to hear him complain. I try not to even tell him before hand what I am making for dinner because he ALWAYS says that its not what he wants. He is also very difficult about the food we use. He says that he doesn't want me buying cheap cuts of meat but if he sees the price on the package, he flips out because I'm spending too much. I'd like to quit cooking for him altogether, but if I did that he would just eat carry-out everyday. (And probably not pick any up for me and the kids!) Any ideas on how get him to act like a grown-up?	I think Molly makes way too big a deal out of this whole thing. Yes, i'm kind of a picky eater. But I don't complain about everything she serves. And mostly I'm just kind of cranky when I get home and since she's not serving fastfood, dinner probably isn't what I want. She doesn't need to take it so personally. Even if I complain, I eat it. Really, I would prefer if she would stop bugging me about meals and just let me pick up my own meals. That way she could make what she wants and feed it to the kids and I can have what I want. Win-win, right?
Comments and Votes

he expects me to iron

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 02:20:23 +0000

My husband expects me to iron his clothes even though I've told him I don't iron.
blackhawk says:	roobey says:
Every single time my husband and I go anywhere where we need to dress up we get into a fight because I haven't ironed his clothes. We have been together for 10 years and I have never once ironed his clothes and I have flat out told him that I WILL not iron his clothes. I am terrible at ironing and I just don't do it. I don't iron my own clothes either. I think if he wants his clothes ironed he should do it himself.	I work and my wife stays home and we each have certain things that we are responsible for. I don't have the time to iron clothes and I feel that it is my wife's responsibility. She takes care of the laundry and that is part of the laundry. When we are going somewhere and we need to dress up I think that as being the one who takes care of the laundry that she should make sure I have clean, ironed clothes to wear.
Comments and Votes

he wont tell me when he runs out of stuff

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 01:39:29 +0000

My husband expects me to check to see if he needs things only he uses rather than telling me he needs them.
blackhawk says:	roobey says:
My husband will not tell me when he runs out or is running low on things that only he uses, such as coffee, certain foods, deodorant, shaving cream, etc. He thinks that I should check to make sure he doesn't need these things before I go to the store but I think that it would take nothing for him to tell me when he needs things rather than expecting me to find out on my own.	My wife is in charge of taking care of the house and doing the grocery shopping. I think that part of that is checking to see what we need before going to the store. She checks the things that she uses, so I don't see why she can't check my stuff while she's at it. I work full time and am very busy. I don't always remember that I'm about to run out of things. This is why my wife should be checking for me. She knows the things I regularly run out of and I don't see the big deal with her checking to see if I have run out of those things before she goes to the store.
Comments and Votes

he doesn't want me to stay home with my son

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 00:43:25 +0000

My husband wants me to be working full time rather than staying home with my son, but I feel that the most important thing I can do right now is stay home with him.
mrbjrb says:	jeffb says:
I stopped working when I had my son 2 years ago and ever since then my husband has been after me constantly to get a job. However I feel that the best thing for our family and especially my son right now is for me to stay home with him. I don't want to send him to daycare and since I did not have an established career before I had him I feel it would be very difficult to find a job making enough to justify the expense of daycare. He makes enough money to support our family so it's not like we are starving while I'm staying at home. I plan on going back to work once my son is in school, which will be another 3 years. I feel that until then me being at home with him is way more important that me working.	When I married my wife I expected her to be financially contributing to our family. I did not know that I would end up being solely responsible for supporting us. There is a lot of pressure on me and it's hard to handle. I make good money when I work but my job isn't always stable. The work can stop at any time and then I'm out of a job with nothing coming in but unemployment and without my wife bringing in money too that just isn't enough. It's a lot weighing on me and a constant source of stress to know that it's all on me. It would take a huge load off of my back if my wife was working too and I knew we had her income to fall back on.
Comments and Votes

Disciplining kids

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 21:15:02 +0000

Should "because I told you so" be the standard answer when disciplining kids?
mollycoddle says:	bob.the.builder says:
My husband and I disagree about how to approach disciplining kids. I think discipline should be about teaching kids the right way to act and not act. My husband thinks that discipline needs to be based on learning obedience. he says that other concerns can be dealt with once basic obedience is mastered. So, for example, my husband recently told our 11 year old son to go to bed. Our son tried a couple of times to come up with things that he had to take care of right away before going to bed. This greatly irritated my husband who wanted him to just do as he was told and he chastised our son. All of which is fine except later when he told me about it, I was trying to figure out the best way to drive the point home with our son. My concern is that this child tends to believe that he's being treated unfairly all the time. So, when he came up with things that he felt with urgent but was stopped from doing them, he went off not with the lesson that listening to dad came before other things he was concerned about, but thinking that he was being treated unfairly. I wanted to dig in in order to make sure the kid got the real message and wanted to talk about ways to do that. My husband took this as me not being supportive of him and making excuses for our son's behavior, which was not the point. to him it was black and white - either he did what he was told or he didn't. And the response to not listening is equally black and white to him - the kid should be punished for not listening and there's nothing more to think or talk about after that. I think that this is short-sighted and ineffective in the long run. just being told "because I said so" won't lead to the kid internalizing what we want him to learn.	Molly makes everything too complicated. It is black and white. Either a kid does what he is told or he doesn't. If he has what he thinks is a valid reason not to do what he's been told, then he should come and talk to me. When Molly wants to come and talk about why he didn't listen or how I could do things differently, I feel like I have to defend myself and I don't think I should have to defend expecting my kid to do what he's told to my own wife! I do think that learning to be obedient is very important. it teaches a kid that they can't just do whatever they want to do and is the basis of self-control. molly seems to think obedience is this bad thing and that we need to give the kids other reasons to do what they are told to do. But i believe that "because i told you to" should be reason enough.
Comments and Votes

Cold, unpleasant car in the morning

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 06:13:12 +0000

My husband feels that my actions inconvenience him too often and I should better anticipate his needs
beckybay says:	rebtrot says:
Yesterday i had to pick our son up from school. I took the family's sedan because we're trying to save money on gas and our van only gets 20 mpg. However, it stormed here yesterday and when I got home, our steep driveway was too icy for me to make it back up the driveway. (our tires don't have too many miles on them and I thought they would get me back up, but I was wrong!) So I pulled the car onto road in front of our house, grabbed our sleeping baby from the backseat and trudged up to the house. This morning when my husband went to go to work the car was still on the road. it was quite cold and the only scraper we own is in his old car which is sitting dead in the garage, so he ended up using a credit card to scrape the windows. Apparently I also had not shut the back door of the car all the way when i got the (sleeping) baby out. He had left one of his coats in the car and my son had moved it and it wound up on the floor of the car where there was likely some spilled water from my husband's water bottle, so when he got out of the car and put it on it was quite cold. Altogether an unpleasant, cold start to the morning. oh - and he spent monday and tuesday in bed with a bad cold or flu, so he's just getting over being sick. I totally get that it was bad bad start to the day, but I was stunned when I called him around noon and he told me that he was very upset with me because his cold, unpleasant morning was all my fault. He says that this is a good example of how my poor decision puts unfair burden and suffering on him. He thought that not only was it a bad idea to take the car, but that I should have made sure there was a scraper in the car for him to use, should have seen that his jacket was on the floor of the car and fixed that and probably should have been the one to go out and warm up the car for him. I get up at 6:30, get our 6 year old up, dressed and ready for school and then make sure the other 4 school aged kids have everything they need and drive them to the bus stop. so i was up, but in addition to being busy, i was up until 3:30 am finishing up some work. So I was busy, tired and not completely focused on my husband's impending suffering. i think he is being completely ridiculous. Life happens and sometimes we have to deal with inconvenience, discomfort and such. obviously, I didn't intend him to face such an unpleasant morning, but the idea that i should make sure that nothing I do ever negatively affects my husband in any way is absurd. I think his expectations are bizarre and unrealistic and if anyone should be upset, it should be me. IMO, there is no excuse for turning on your partner everytime you have to deal with inconvenience or discomfort which can concievably be traced back to them. Life happens and irritation is certainly normal. However, taking personal offense and claiming that it displays a fundamental failure on the part of a spouse is just wrong.	This incident may seem like not that serious, but things like this are always happening. It's very frustrating to me because if my wife would just stop and think about things when she's doing them it would save so much trouble later on. And I do think that because I am working to take care of everyone else, it's not too much to ask that my wife put some extra thought into making my life a little easier.
Comments and Votes

Flush the toliet

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 00:41:43 +0000

You need to flush the toilet every time
roxy says:	cleanandsimple says:
I generally follow the rule of it it's brown flush it down, if it's yellow let it mellow. My boyfriend on the other hand is totally grossed out by this and gets upset whenever I don't flush. I drink A LOT of water and so I use the bathroom fairly frequently and think it is ridiculous to flush after every time. Am I wrong?	It is so disgusting to walk into the bathroom and see the toliet not flushed, it takes no time or effort to flush so why not do it. Also the toilet paper clogs the toilet and I am the one who has to fix it, the toilet should be flushed and if you don't want a flushing toilet you should find a nice tree and go there.
Comments and Votes

Don't talk to strangers

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 00:16:18 +0000

My husband thinks I should not talk to 'strangers.' This all started a few months ago while I was waiting for him for lunch on a day I was serving jury duty. While I was waiting another man who also had jury duty that day asked if he could have a seat. I said, "Sure, I'm just waiting on my husband, he will be in a few minutes." My husband comes and is furious that I am sitting with another man.
janiepanie says:	danito says:
I told the man that I was waiting for my husband, I knew my husband would be joining me and it was lunch so I did not do anything wrong. People like to share there unpleasant experiences so talking about the joys of jury duty over a glass of ice water while waiting for your spouse is fine.	If you are married you should not talk to strangers, unless it is out of necessity. When you talk with other men you are giving them the idea that you might be interested in other things.
Comments and Votes

Housekeeping arguments

Wed, 23 Mar 2011 15:24:45 +0000

lizt73 says:

apollo says:

My husband and I have an ongoing argument over what are reasonable expectations for keeping our house clean and orderly. Some background:

He works full time to support our family of 8. He grew up in a large family and claims that his house was always neat an orderly. his mother worked 60+ hours a week and it mostly fell to the children to keep the house clean. So, he expects that I would likewise be able to keep the house clean all the time.

I also grew up in a large family. However, our house was mostly a mess. It wasn't like a hoarding house and it didn't smell or anything like that. However, common areas were usually picked up once a day, my mom did deeper cleaning when she was able and places like the kid's rooms and the toyroom were virtually never picked up. To me it was a normal, lived in-home.

However, I never picked up the habit of keeping things in order and grew up to be a very sloppy person. When we were dating, my place was always trashed. I tended to have cleared paths through the various clothes, papers, books, etc that found their way to the floor. When we got married, I did agree that I needed to do more, especially since my husband was working. Over the years I did better and worse - often depending on my energy level and whatever disruptions we were dealing with. Today, our house runs a lot like the house I grew up in. I tend to do a big pick-up/cleaning before my husband gets home so he can come in to a clean home. I make the kids help which does require a lot of persistance on my part. I try to make sure things like the kitchen floor and the bathrooms are given a deep clean once a week or so. It all takes a lot of time on top of making meals, running kids around, helping with homework, running errands, etc. I think that I do an imperfect, but decent job. Sometimes things are better than others depending on what's going on. sick people, unexpected errands, new baby, etc can all result in less than stellar results.

My husband is continually irritated that he cannot depend on walking into a clean house. He feels that he's cut back his expectations enough because he's gone from wanting the whole house cleaned at all times to just wanting the main floor and, hopefully our bedroom clean when he gets home. He doesn't understand why it's ever allowed to get to be a mess to begin with.

I feel that his expectations are reasonable, but not always realistic. I have gone from being a very, very sloppy person to being what I would consider a pretty average homemaker which I consider a real accomplishment. Honestly, I don't know how to do any better than I am doing. I do realize that it would probably help to have better processes in place to keep things from getting so messy - like training people not to drop things coming in the door. But I have so many kids and so many things to do that figuring out some of the changes that need to be made and then enforcing them doesn't seem feasible to me.

So, should my husband relax and accept that we're just at a place in our life where things are inevitably messy? Or should I devote more time and energy to figuring out how to keep things more orderly?

My wife believes that my expectations for cleanliness and order are unreasonable. I say that it is a matter of time and people management.

We have 3 boys 2 teenagers and an 11 year old. By the time I was 11 I was cooking dinners, ironing my mother's uniforms at 5am, (She is a nurse and military wife, so you know those creases had to be sharp enough to cut leather!)caring for 5 other children, (I'm the oldest)and wrestling my way to an undefeated season. My mother regularly worked 16 hour days to take care of us due to the fact that my stepfather couldn't hold a job if it had a handle. He was the kind of guy who was there, but not there at the same time.

My point to all this is that as the parent you set the policy for the home. If you say get something done it should get done or there should be significant consequences for not accomplishing the very reasonable requirements of not throwing your crap on the floor when you come home, doing your job right the first time,(especially if you have been shown several times how to do it. I mean really you all have high IQ's yet sweeping the floor is an unsurmountable obstacle?) & cleaning up after yourself and others. (Someone had to do it for you numbnuts)

As far as the time management goes, my wife has never been an early riser. When we have babies in the house it's even worse. At least once a week I can call the house, not get an answer and later in the day hear "Oh i'm sorry me and the baby dosed off." Then she spends a ton of time sitting in front of the computer reading, researching, and gathering information to bombard me with when I get home. Which frustrates me to no end because it's very hard for me to want to discuss quantum physics when she can't figure out how to keep one room in the house clean so I can have a place to sit, have a beer, and unwind without stepping on small sharp toys that have more than a few times sent my 6' 300lbs frame crashing to the floor.

Our home is a fire hazard,and if we were a hotel we would be breaking dozens of safety regulations intended to keep guests safe. (especially the boys room.) We would unintentionally kill anyone who needed to get quickly and efficiently around our home in an emergency situation.

Here have been some suggestions:
1) get up earlier and try to keep naps to a minimum
2) Hold the boys truly accountable for their end of the bargain. They get a pass way too often
3) Clean a room and then keep the friggin kids out of it. The house is 3000+ finished square feet not all 3000+ square feet needs to be trashed at all times. They can play in their rooms, or in the basement, why is my living room default kids playing space?

Yes, my wife was a slob in college where we met, but it's fine to be aslob when you only have to worry about yourself. You know have a husband and a family that depend on you to keep a decent home and teach skills that won't drive 6 other poor souls nuts later.

Comments and Votes

TV viewing

Wed, 23 Mar 2011 14:38:40 +0000

I hate what my husband watches in the evenings!
lizt73 says:	apollo says:
In the evening my husband likes to unwind by watching TV which is fine. However, the things he chooses to watch are usually too violent, gory, crass, etc for me to enjoy them. I admit that I am a little more uptight about such things than most people. But my husband commonly chooses things that are violent, gory or crass enough that they would not be shown on most TV channels - so like worse than something like CSI which is about the limit of my tolerance for such things. So, I end up going upstairs and playing on the computer or watching something I want on TV. Him coming upstairs and watching TV while I'm on the computer is even worse because he usually turns on adult swim. some stuff like Family Guy and Futurama isn't so bad. But he will also watch Squidbillies, Robot Chicken and Metalopolis. Then he wants to have sex! If watching claymation videos of children having their heads cut off with a chainsaw by Jesus isn't a mood killer, I don't know what is! When I point this out, he may turn it off, but also makes it clear that he thinks I'm just being a kill-joy. I'd prefer not to spend every evening apart. And I certainly don't want to watch a disgusting animated squid wear a giant foam dick hat to church as a prelude to getting romantic with my husband! I think he should save these things for special occassions and choose more mutually enjoyable, less disgusting things to watch most evening. (BTW, I'm not a big TV watcher and don't have a strong desire to watch anything in particular. So, it doesn't bother me that he usually chooses what's on the boobtube in the evenings. I just hate that it's usually things that literally make me want to leave the room.)	My wife takes all of life entirely too seriously. I spend 10-12 hours a day every day using all of the brain power that I can muster. (My title is Manager, Revenue, Recovery, & Payment Operations for a multi-billion dollar health-care organization.) At night I would like to unwind and just veg all the way out. The shows are admittedly stupid, but I'm not trying to solve global warming or end the health care reform debate. I just want to laugh and forget about the audit, regulatory,& process gaps that I have been tasked with fixing while navigating the heavy politics of requesting 400K in capital allocations to fix a manual system that leaves us vulnerable to audit scrutiny. I am fully aware that having a 4 & 1 yr old at home all day is not the most intellectually stimulating environment for my beloved Mensa wife, but I don't think she gets that I have to be the smartest guy in the room all day. At night I don't mind being the dumbest. My wife is always saying that I am so judgemental, but in these issues of "eyeball morality" as I like to call it she is the worse. Instead of letting things like this go she carries them around and wants to hold me accountable for what i'm watching on tv when there are many many many shows (Oprah, Horders, What not to wear, those fake ghost shows, and anything else that exploits human misery and puts it's weakness on display for the world to see)that she watches that I make fun of but don't judge her for watching. I think she needs to lighten up or try and find mutally stupid crap that we can watch together.
Comments and Votes

She says "oh" too much

Wed, 23 Mar 2011 04:23:21 +0000

Wife replies "oh" frequently and this makes hubby mad.
cindy says:	horse says:
When someone says something to me and I don't have any specific immediate response, I oftentimes say "oh." To me "oh" means "I hear you." I feel awkward not saying anything at all in response to something someone has said to me. I have been using "oh" this way out of habit for as long as I can remember. My husband get super irritated when I say "oh." Out of courtesy to him, I've tried to stop saying "oh," but I can't seem to stop, especially when I'm tired. No one except hubby has ever complained to me about my saying "oh." When the situation is reversed and I say something to which my husband does not have an immediate response, he says nothing at all. This irritates me because I'm never sure whether he actually heard what I said. However, he insists that saying nothing is better than saying "oh." This is our biggest and most frequently occurring argument. Once we had an all-out blow out over this on the street in Bangkok and had to spend the rest of the afternoon away from each other.	This is not a normal "oh." After almost every sentence, she says, "ohhhhhhhhh," as in "wow, now I understand!" or, "I get it now!" or, "that's fascinating!" But that is not what SHE is saying when she says "ohhhhhhhhhh." She is saying, "I have no idea what you just said, because I was thinking of something else." Now, I have a lot of interesting things to say and sometimes I can be demanding on a listener. That, I'll admit. If I wasn't such a fascinating genius, this would not be a problem! But what if I said, "Wow, that is fascinating," and I really meant, "damn, that was dull?" Or if I said, "I hear you," and that was code for, "I didn't hear a thing?" Wouldn't that be annoying?
Comments and Votes

He is such a flirt!

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 06:32:12 +0000

My husband, although an amazing guy, will not stop flirting with every woman he meets!
dani says:	nick says:
Nick is amazing, and he is nothing if not faithful. However, in the years I have known and been with him, one habit of his has gotten on my nerves more and more... his flirting. He will meet a girl and put forth all of his effort to (in his words) "make her feel like the only girl in the world". I know that he doesn't mean anything by it, and I know that he would never do anything to hurt me, but what he doesn't realize is that those interactions hurt! When I try to communicate these feelings to him, he simply dismisses them with a "Come on, you know I don't mean anything by it!"	The reason why I try to dismiss this argument is because I do not try to make "other girls feel like the only girl in the world". I just naturally want everyone to walk away happy after being around me! I have told Dani that's probably what the girls feel like after talking to me, but I do not go out of my way to get this result. Actually, she is the only girl that I really actively try to please and impress! I do not do anything different special with/for other girls, only for Dani. I want everyone to be happy and to be treated well when they are around me, and I really do not think that is truly flirting. I know that Dani gets upset about this sometimes, but the truth is that she has no reason to be!
Comments and Votes

He is asking too much!

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 06:12:57 +0000

My husband expects me to work a full-time (50 hours/week) job as well as keep everything in the household running as if I were a stay-at-home-mom!
katie says:	michael says:
My husband and I both work very long, hard hours every week. He is a mechanic working 4:00pm-12:00am shifts M-F, and I am a cake decorator working about 50 hours/week. Like everyone else, we have been hit pretty hard by the economy, and I have taken up a second job working about 10 hours/week as a waitress. I do not mind the extra work, as it gives us our financial cushion back. However, the problem is that my husband is home all day, with the house to himself, and he does not clean. He expects me to be able to keep the house spotless, the kids with perfect grades, and keep on top of everyone's schedules 24/7 while working 60+ hours/week and he also wants me to satisfy his needs for love, romance, and affection. He helps out fixing and remodeling things around the house, and does a wonderful job at all of that. He works a very physically demanding job, I understand. But I am atretched so thin that I almost feel as though he has no right to ask for one more thing from me, or I am going to snap. Can't he help out around the house, if he wants it to be so perfect and organized?	I really don't think that I am asking too much of Katie. I grew p with 6 brothers and 1 sister. My family was dirt-poor, and my mother and father both worked full-time jobs in addition to taking care of some crops/farm land. My mother was able to do everything that I expect from Katie, and we only have 3 kids to raise instead of 7! Her statement that I do not clean the house is not entirely true. On the weekends, I try to enlist the kids to make sure the entire house is spotless so that she does not feel overwhelmed and so that she can relax a little more and enjoy her weekend, when she is not working. Also, when I leave for work every day the house is usually very clean. When I come home at night, it is a mess. Is it too much to ask for everyone to have something remain in the same tidy shape it was when they got there? I don't think so. My main issue with Katie is not that the house is messy or that things are not organized, it is that she allows the kids to make things this way. They never behave with me the way they do with her. I have tried to tell her how much easier everything could be if she got ahold of the kids' attention and respect more often and made them do what they were supposed to, but she never changes the situation.
Comments and Votes

she feels iam neglecting her

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 13:49:56 +0000

lucky says:

pinky says:

I have a friend named sanju.
when i got job i became some what busy with office.now onwards she feels iam neglecting her.iam talking with her for less time becoz i feel tired with my work.

I have a friend named sanju.
when i got job i became some what busy with office.now onwards she feels iam neglecting her.iam talking with her for less time becoz i feel tired with my work.
I have a friend named sanju.
when i got job i became some what busy with office.now onwards she feels iam neglecting her.iam talking with her for less time becoz i feel tired with my work.
I have a friend named sanju.
when i got job i became some what busy with office.now onwards she feels iam neglecting her.iam talking with her for less time becoz i feel tired with my work.

I have a friend named sanju.
when i got job i became some what busy with office.now onwards she feels iam neglecting her.iam talking with her for less time becoz i feel tired with my work.

I have a friend named sanju.
when i got job i became some what busy with office.now onwards she feels iam neglecting her.iam talking with her for less time becoz i feel tired with my work.
I have a friend named sanju.
when i got job i became some what busy with office.now onwards she feels iam neglecting her.iam talking with her for less time becoz i feel tired with my work.
I have a friend named sanju.
when i got job i became some what busy with office.now onwards she feels iam neglecting her.iam talking with her for less time becoz i feel tired with my work.

Comments and Votes

Not enough time

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 02:48:03 +0000

yupie107 says:	browsuga07 says:
My boyfriend came to me saying that I do not make enough time for him but always have time for my friends. I argued, stating that just because I do not see you one day does not mean that I do not have enough time for him. Then I said, I have been seeing you everyday lately and my friends are leaving out of the state soon so I want to spend as much time with them before they are not here. He continues saying that I am not fair and that I don't make time for him even when I say. I do not think this is valid argument because they have been in my life for years and he knows how much they mean to me.	I definitely do not see it this way. She promised to see me on this certain day and she kept making excuses during the day that something kept coming up with her friends, like going to the movies, out to eat, to the mall, then finally she just called me at a late hour then wanting to see me after the whole day had gone and I was already mad at this point. She always makes time for me but she did not keep her word so I was upset about that, I did not say she didnt make time for me. Yes i know her friends mean a lot to her but all she had to say in the 1st place was not today, i will be busy how about tomorrow.
Comments and Votes

Have the terrorists won?

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 02:01:58 +0000

No, not if we stop being idiots and start using the technology we have wisely.
ken92081 says:	kk22 says:
People seem to forget what made this country back in the days of our forefathers. Back when our ancestors were fighting for freedom from tyranny from across the ocean. In a lot of ways, the circumstances we're the same as they are in this day and age. We are still under a lot of pressure from foreigners who, for whatever reason, don't like our way of life. And now, the battle has come to our shores. The difference is, now you aren't being attacked physically as much as you are being attacked psychologically. Now we have instant access to information and to what's going on thousands of miles away. But their goal is the same, to disrupt and destroy what we call dear, our freedom. I've been called a "chump" many times for making this argument, mostly by neo-con's who "claim" to love this country, but really love living more. The thing they don't realize is that it was people like them back in the day that were the loyalists to the crown. The one's who were afraid to stand up out of fear of their barn being burned down and their livestock killed. It's the same sort of scare tactic being used now by terrorists since 9/11. But we can't keep playing into their hands. Their ultimate goal is not to kill us. If that was the goal, they'd attack us overseas like they did with the USS Cole bombing. No, they want us to be scared, they want us to give up what makes us who we are. It's the difference between a life well lived and a life merely sustained. Call me a chump if you want, but I believe all of this crap that we are secretly subject to ie having our calls and emails monitored is not worth it. There comes a point where you need to make a choice, live on your knees or die on your feet. Here's the choice you have people, you can either live in an almost airtight and safe society like Communist China where they don't have these problems, or you can live in an open society and deal with the fact that because of our freedoms, something bad may happen. The more and more freedoms you are willing to give up, the more and more these "people" defeat us. Defeat how we live, and defeat who we are. You can live on your knees or die on your feet. What do you choose?	They (the terrorists) win if you hold on to stupid things like believing that if somebody sees your body in x-ray nudity your privacy is suddenly stripped void....what would YOU prefer? To have the airplane blown up and allow everybody to board the plane with their so-called "integrity" intact? Ridiculous. This has gotten to the point of insanity and inanity. You see more on a beach in Minnesota have the time that you would on some of those security scans. GROW up....pick your battles....realize what is truly important. I will venture a guess that when YOU have children and grandchildren and THEY are flying across the globe YOU will think and believe very differently. It was a far different thought process for this woman before I was married with children and an extended family....Just wait, Ken. Perhaps, I will never find out if my prediction does come true, but YOU will...and I believe I know what will happen...just the same. Privacy is not a reason to allow people to be blown up.
Comments and Votes

can the corporate world please take a joke

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 07:26:37 +0000

How much control should the manager have over an employee's screensaver content?
funnygirl says:	funactivist says:
My boss wants me to change my homepage on the computer in my office...well OK, it's a cubicle. I have it set to the Letterman Top 10 page because it helps me lighten up - which I often need, to counteract the effect of a few people who take themselves way too seriously. I've been asked to select something more politically correct. If I was going to commit a PC-police infraction, I'd probably put that calendar with a different NYC firefighter each month above my desk. I don't think the Top 10 qualifies! You have to hover to be able to read what's on the list.	I just think that if I let this employee have this sort of screensaver, it's a slippery slope to the ten Senators who got paid off the most by the biggest Health Insurance companies, to the ten top Wall Street Finance firm CEOs who caused most Americans to lose their homes this year, or who are most deserving to be put into Guantanamo for being terrorists. I mean where does it end?! Pretty soon the employees will want to run the company themselves! Socialism! Fish swimming around; a warm fire place; Flying Toasters. Even antibiotic pumpedup chickens in factory farms. But that's as far as I will go!
Comments and Votes

Who is to blame?

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 19:41:06 +0000

Is it the Media or is it the parents?
ken92081 says:	kjlaven says:
Being a young man who was going to high school when Columbine went down in 1997, I have a unique view on this subject. You see, after that happened, I had a lot of people looking at me funny because like those little psychopaths I liked to wear black, I liked to listen to heavy metal music, and I liked first person shooter video games. Being a teenager in a CATHOLIC SCHOOL is hard enough as it is, but to have a lot of kids look at you like “you could be one of them” is disheartening to say the least. And even then, I would turn on CNN news or whatever was on, and I heard an argument I knew was complete and utter bullsh*t. Marilyn Manson, KMFDM, and Rammstein are to blame for these miscreants snapping and shooting up their school? Give me a break! The bottom line is this, and it goes for any of these WITCH TRIALS that blame musicians like Ozzy Osborne or Judas Priest for some moron offing himself, if you are so weak mentally that you hear a guy on a record say something and you feel the need to go do it, then quite frankly, you should be locked up in a prison or nuthouse for the rest of your life. Why? BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE GET COLUMBINE. Because otherwise we have to watch you 24/7 to make sure you don’t act like the mentally handicapped person you are. And since parents can’t watch their kids 24 hours a day, bye bye to you I say. But ultimately that’s where the blame lies, with the parents. If these psychopaths had parents that gave a rats ass about what they were doing, there is NO WAY this would have happened. As I said, parents can’t watch their kids all day and night, but I will tell you one thing; if my kid is acquiring an arsenal that makes most NRA members drool and building pipe bombs in my house or in my garage, you can be DAMN SURE that I am going to know about it. This isn’t a boy sneaking a porno magazine, this isn’t a girl stealing makeup, and this isn’t a kid watching a “bad program” on TV, this is something any GOOD PARENT would know. So if you can’t take care of your kids, fine, but don’t expect TV, movies, and music to do your work for you, because they aren’t teachers, they are entertainers. If you as a parent are too busy for your child and they become a criminal, don’t blame gangsta rap because you were too busy to sit your kid down and figure out what’s on his or her mind.	I sense some inherent anger here, almost to the point of rage...have you been playing some violent video games, lately, perhaps? :-) Just a little joke. Truth is, I believe some of what you say is correct. Parents must be responsible enough to know if their children are housing enough firearms to take over a small country under their bed, but I do believe that the problem/scope is much larger and more difficult to pin down than that. It often starts with bullying in some form or another; usually, the person who loses it (being "fed" by Marilyn Manson, etc.) loses it after years of being tormented by other kids/students for being different. THIS is the point where school officials, teachers, and yes, parents, need to step in. Also, we need to teach our kids to step in and help stop this bullying when they witness it happening to other students, as well; even if it is anonymously. Peace and respect of person is everybody's responsibility. The escalation that happens from feeling not worthy, left out, is then fed by these violent video games, violence-touting musical groups, etc. until it's spun out of control. What about the parents of the boy (Columbine) who did NOT have the firearms under his bed but partnered with the other boy? How were they to know? Yes, you would hope they would know, but the problem is that young men and women who feel isolated are often compelled to reach out to anybody that tells them they are a "part" of something; even if that "something" is vicious and downright evil. They need that peer acceptance in whatever form they can get it. Parents do need to be as involved with their children's lives as possible...it is more important than most anything else they will ever do...BUT, we ALL need to take accountability for the world we inhabit and the vices and types of behaviors that we tout -- I truly do believe that, and Marilyn Manson and supremely violent video games are another stepping stone to putting our kids -- and our society at risk.
Comments and Votes