Well before spoilers let’s discuss the title. Could they not afford a colon? Sheesh. Oh, but right, spoilers ahoy!

This movie could have been:

A) A Star Trek film in the new continuity

B) A movie

C) An homage to old Star Trek episodes and films.

It failed on all three levels. I’m gonna break this down in order –

A – As a new Star Trek movie, a thing that should stand gleaming and reintroduce the concept of Star Trek to new viewers it is a heroically bad idea. This has nothing to do with Star Trek except some names and shapes of ships. The film tosses out the thoughtfulness, the exploration, the basis that set Star Trek apart.

Not only does the lot do this several times, but the way it is presented does as well. This is lowest common denominator stuff. The movie basically decided to take the concept of Star Trek and shake it up and then leave everything on the ground anyway and keep moving. This isn’t even Star Trek if you squint. This is Batman but his parents are alive and he doesn’t dress as a bat or fight crime and is instead named James Bond and has Bond’s job and oh, hey, it’s a Bond film, then isn’t it?

Right.

And I say that as someone who thought the first of the Star Trek reboot films showed some promise. It hinted at possible good times ahead, only to make Fast and The Furious – Space Edition.

B – There’s an old thing Raymond Chandler once said to describe what he does when he got stuck on a plot. “Have someone enter with a gun.” It’s a cheap ploy to get you out of a scene you can’t end and into a new scene. As an act of desperation you can use it, effectively, and have a good time with it.

This film ended 99% of its scenes with someone getting hit, something blowing up or some other distraction because they couldn’t end a scene. So they’d Hail Mary it each time into a new scene hoping they could get out of that scene only to end it with the same trick because – nope couldn’t manage it then either.

That’s an utter fucking mess of a structure. The action scenes were so jarring and (though I Don’t want to make a joke out of it…) the lens flare didn’t help rendering most action scenes utterly confusing. If I can’t follow the type of scene you are cramming your film full of because there is nothing else – you lose.

It telegraphed the big twists and left other stuff randomly unexplained.

C – So this wanted to be Space Seed + Wrath of Khan and ended up as a bad parody of both. Leaving aside the idea that Khan is a white guy (which makes no sense – if he’s a genetic superior he wouldn’t be white. Rodenberry himself reasoned that out) Cumberbatch did a great job with what he had. He played it to the hilt.

Except, well, they fucked it all up. Remember the dignity of Spock choosing the ship over himself? Digging into the core to save them all? That’s gone and has been replaced by the silliest funhouse ride around.

“You’ll die before you can make the climb!” Scotty tells Kirk (see, TWIST! Kirk not Spock, oooo fancy) but then Kirk makes the climb, hangs from his hands, kicks the reactor back into alignment and then climbs back down. So much for that whole instant death thing. Also since when is a warp core that has to be in careful alignment good with just some kicking and it snaps back into perfect place? And who builds it like that anyway – no good way to get there, what is this, Galaxy Quest?

And then the bad tweaks to the death scene followed by Spock doing a Khan yell. Now I have had it the fuck up to here with people who don’t get that scene already, and have yelled about it before but this one was exactly what people bitched about the first go.

…hooray.

And the badly telegraphed way to bring Kirk back (and lay groundwork for a later Genesis device (torpedoes + life giving blood stuff + Carol Marcus = WHAT COULD IT BE?!) just sat there stupidly.

No, as an homage to Star Trek II this was vaguely offensive.

So let’s sum up: As a new Star Trek film it pissed away the goodwill of the last and became simply a generic mindless action movie. As a film itself it was badly put together and incomprehensibly directed. As an homage it came off as cheap parody.

So, uhm, I guess what I’m saying is I didn’t much enjoy it.

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Passed down by people paying for labor, the idea lets you give up vacations and downtime happily – it means you’re a good person. Work so hard you never have time for anything but work. And see how awesome you are?

This spills into everything else, too. Look around. How many of you are just constantly busy? Even if you aren’t getting anything done or actually doing anything you are somehow always busy. That’s because of two things:

A) Busy is supposed = good, so even when you don’t have much to do you want to seem busy, even just to yourself, so you inflate what you do have to do. You make yourself a false busy schedule.

B) The less you have to, when this idea is in your head, the busier you feel. Because you don’t inflate the real things to make yourself feel busy – the busier you actually are, the less busy you feel. Silly, but true.

But the root of all of this is still – why do we think it’s good to be busy? I have a lot to do. I am constantly busy. But I don’t enjoy it in that sense. I enjoy the work, the chances and the product I produce but I miss having more time to sit and read, or watch the sky, or just think. I miss it and I try to sneak bits of it in when I can.

I don’t know. I can’t get behind the Busy Culture.

To which I answer: Haven’t you seen Godzilla vs. Monster Zero (also known as Invasion of Astro-Monster)? Because that’s what it is – in allegory. Let me explain.

In the movie, humans go to Planet X where they hear all sorts of stuff but mostly they see Ghidorah attack. The people of planet X want the humans to grab them some Godzilla and Rodan to help with their Ghidorah problem.

Except it turns out the people of Planet X can control the beasts and then threaten Earth and then stuff goes nutty and eventually Godzilla and Rodan fight Ghidorah and it looks like Ghidorah wins and … hey this film doesn’t seem to make any sense. And it might not – on the surface. But when you dig deeper you can see a few things of import:

Ghidorah was off having a night out. But the bartender called some guys and told them to find Ghidorah’s family and get them to pick his drunk ass up. So these other guys go and think this is fine and smart. They call up Godzilla and Rodan, Ghidorah’s cousins, and they come out in their pick-up, to wrangle their cousin back home one more time.

Really though, the bartender didn’t like Ghidorah either. No, the owners of the bar thought they would get all these dudes drunk, round them all up, and then they could call the police and be done with them in one fell swoop.

This was because they were, let’s face it, really shitty tippers.

Anyway, Godzilla really didn’t come out to party. He was up late the night before and so he wanted Rodan to deal with it so they could just go home already. You can see this in the way the tail moves. But, still, he gets talked into a drink as well. The family gets into a fight, of course, about why they’re there and whose fault it all is and Godzilla ends up doing a dance that he was going to teach to the kids he teaches, a dance of victory. It was supposed to be celebration but in his screams you can hear how it is now frustration and disappointment in his own behavior that is released through dance.

Eventually the plan of the bartenders is realized by the monsters. Which prompts another family spat. No one wants to know they are so disliked because of their own behavior. And so they fight again, but then the dust settles you realize they’ve come to terms and will turn over a new leaf. Ghidorah is in the bar, staying. Victorious. Godzilla and Rodan have gone home, accepting their cousin’s life choices and all of them grown to understand tipping a bartender is crucial to good service.

Godzilla returned in his next film – Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster. It takes place on a tropical island and furthers the story by delving into what happens when Godzilla tries to take a vacation, but the art and dance students he teaches need him, how you can not escape responsibility but must work with it to lead a successful life. But that’s a different movie entirely.

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In celebration of the launch of Amelia Cole and the Hidden War #1 tomorrow we’re arranged for all six issues of The Unknown World to go on half-price sale. That’s right – 99 cents for each 22+ page issue, but only for a few days!

So click here to take advantage now, and more importantly, if you could – tell a friend!

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Most times I can feel every word, every phrase and idea that didn’t translate right from my brain to the page – and it’s almost all of them. I will sit and struggle and fuss and worry about how bad a writer I am.

Until I’m actually writing. See when I am in the process of laying down words I am the best writer who ever lived. In my head at least. For exactly as long as I’m working. Then it’s back to doubtsville.

And that’s right. That’s the correct way of things, really. When we’re not actively doing the work we can see the seams and we always see them distorted because we’re too close. So we glimpse our flaws in a funhouse mirror that makes it look like macrocephaly run rampant.

Oh, but when we work we must be Gods among people. Otherwise the spice won’t flow correctly and we’ll be left in an adaptation with Patrick Stewart holding a pug.

This, by the way, is why writers tend to drink. Wait no, I mean this is why writers tend to chat to each other endlessly. We know we can say to each other “Oh my god I suck” and it won’t be taken too deeply, any more than the overflow moments when we declare ourselves rulers of the Little People and High Lord of the Wheat. We’ve each been there, and worse, it is our job to be both places back and forth, in an endless cycle.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tend to the Wheat and Little People a while…

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As always, you can also just hit play above, as well. Thanks, and we hope you enjoy!

You can subscribe to the podcast only RSS feed right here at this link and also click the button below to listen/subscribe to the podcast on iTunes:

As always, you can also just hit play above, as well. Thanks, and we hope you enjoy!