[He sent a link to this image]

APK: Yah. But what I don’t get is why people think the image is odd.
APK: I don’t know what fucked up history book YOU read but it was in mine.
Hammerpants:: No its weird because Voltron isn’t there!
APK: He was in JAPAN!
APK: God, how did you graduate?

It recently came to our attention that my birthday is August 19th. Juliana’s birthday is August 21st. Plus — August 20th is a Friday. That was when we decided we needed to do something. So we did something.

We’re going to do a show. We’re going to throw a party. We’re going to have a lot of fun. And you’re invited. All we have so far, mind you, is a hashtag we are going to use on twitter, a date and a time. The rest? Well, we’re working that out. We want to have video and audio and chat rooms and everything else. We may. We may not. We’re trying to work it all out. As we get stuff locked we will pass it on.

But the general thing is that there will, somehow, be songs and stories and laughter and drinking. On-line. For free. Because we can. So mark your calendars, guys. There’s a birthday party / free concert / insanity coming. And it’s gonna be… bodacious.

Adam P. Knave, Esq. & Jules “Juliana” Finch

Thing #1

Lauren: Who’s the mustachioed presidential pick who’s a sex machine to all the chicks? Who’s the cat that won’t cop out when there’s Democrats allllll about? They say this cat Taft is a baaad mother–

Adam: Shut yo’ mouth! …and that’s why this shirt exists.

Thing #2

Lauren: I… I don’t want any of the Elder Gods using Twitter. It’s bad enough as it is! I mean. ReTweets and pronfollows and foursquare are enough to drive anyone mad already. Are you one of Twithulu’s cultists? Is that why you want this shirt? Fess up.

Adam: Cultist is such a strong word. We prefer “Empire Building Joy Minion” these days. Besides when Twitthulhu comes and devours the souls of everyone on twitter who will notice?

Thing #3

Lauren: You’re planning a series of steampunk Renaissancepunk stories about da Vinci creating Voltron.

Adam: …I wasn’t. I am now, but I wasn’t before.

Thing #4

Lauren: By “science” do you mean “pop culture”? “Word science”? “Computer science”? As your editor, I might have to take a Sharpie to this shirt.

Adam: I mean SCIENCE, Lauren! SCIENCE! The way God and Stan Lee intended it! The sort of thing you don’t define, but enables you to do everything from biology to advanced robotics and interdimensional gateway construction. Good, old-fashioned, utterly encompassing SCIENCE!

Thing #5

Lauren: You want to spend a whole day explaining to people what “transitive” “pictograph” and “verbalization” mean?

Adam: No, I just want to use it as a test. This shirt and my baseball bat. Consider it situational educational evolution. Or just consider it “an excuse.”

Thing #6

Lauren: You don’t have enough shirts about boozin’, and you’re afraid that people will begin to doubt that you’re a writer if you don’t remind them how often & strangely you booze.

Adam: Oh, people doubt I’m a writer already, have you seen my reviews? For reals, yo. Frankly I want this shirt as a reminder for why I need to booze more. Instructional and fun!

Thing #7

Lauren: You’ve thought too much about how the fight between Cookie Monster and Pac Man would go down. You’re afraid for Pac Man. Images of his broken yellow form haunt your crumb-filled dreams like the multicolored ghosts that are the least of his worries.

Adam: Well that’s because he wouldn’t last! There’s nothing Pac Man could do to stop Cookie Monster, nothing at all! He doesn’t even have ARMS! He’s just a broken pie chart that is haunted by the people he couldn’t save. So they chase him around and he runs, trying to fill his sorrowful empty life with flash and light before the inevitable catches up with him and he pays the price for his… oh god, Pac Man is John Constantine.

Thing #8

Lauren: This depicts exactly what goes on at Tea Party meetings, except with infinitely awesomer people. You want this shirt because you believe in the power of revolutionary figures making a difference in how we party.

Adam: Wait, what? If Tea Party meetings are anything close to this shirt I may have to switch my political views. But yes, I do equate Mr. T to Bill and Ted in that revolutionary party sort of way.

Thing #9

Lauren: Darkseid is like beer’o’clock – he’s always ruling somewhere. You want this shirt because you enjoy wearing true statements about fictional overlords.

Adam: I would admittedly prefer the more classical slogan of “DARKSEID IS,” but this is just awesome. What I don’t get is – why do you say he’s fictional? Would you like to discuss this — with my Granny?

Thing #10

Lauren: If Wereberry, T.C., and Ra had any manners, they would’ve bought this one for you already. Fictional characters, eh? Can’t never depend on ‘em for nuthin’.

Adam: And now I’m very sad. Thanks, Lauren.

This installment of Consumerism Wow has been brought to you by Adam and Lauren. Please remember to shun Gods who start by claiming they are evil and want to remove all free will. Adam and Lauren are highly trained professionals. Which is why they can resist the power of the Anti-Life equation, as stated thusly: loneliness + alienation + fear + despair + self-worth ÷ mockery ÷ condemnation ÷ misunderstanding x guilt x shame x failure x judgment n=y where y=hope and n=folly, love=lies, life=death, self=dark side. You might not be so lucky, so be careful.

My dear friend Juliana Finch is raising money to record her newest album. I got a powerful want of hearing it. But she needs to raise a bunch of money to make it happen. Now, it just so happens that her birthday and mine are close.

So here’s what I want for my birthday!

I want you to go to her Kickstarter for the project and donate some money. $5 is great. More is magical. Now with each level of donation you get free stuff from Juliana. That’s awesome. Free music, phone calls, concerts even! I’m gonna sweeten the pot a tiny bit:

Juliana’s current incentives:

Pledge $25 or more
MP3 download of the album before it is released to the general public. PLUS: a signed, limited edition hard copy of the album, PLUS: * A copy of my first EP. * A download card for my full-length album, “How To Take the Fall.”

Pledge $50 or more
All of the above, PLUS: *A personal phone call from me so I can say “Thanks!” and you can ask me whatever you want within polite limits. This can also be via online chat if you prefer.

Pledge $100 or more
All of the above, PLUS: *A private house concert for your friends & family if you live within an 8-hour drive of Atlanta, GA.

Pledge $500 or more
All of the above, PLUS: * A private house concert for your friends & family if you live anywhere in the U.S. !

Pledge $1,000 or more
All of the above, PLUS: I will write a song specifically inspired by your life!

But now, let’s make this more fun!

Introducing my bonus incentives:

Pledge $25 or more
All of Juliana’s incentives PLUS a copy of any of my prose books, signed.

Pledge $50 or more
All of the above, PLUS: Two of my prose books, signed.

Pledge $100 or more
All of the above, PLUS: A copy of Image comics Popgun volume 4 signed.

Pledge $500 or more
All of the above, PLUS: A personal phone call to tell you strange and wonderful stories of life, insanity and pop culture!

Pledge $1,000 or more
All of the above, PLUS: I will write a short story (1-5 thousand words in length) specifically for you!

So yes. This is what I want for my birthday. Please won’t you click this link and make some fun things happen?

* Remember, pledges only go through if the full amount is funded.

Of course, in the film, they felt the need to show John and Yoko creating the famous nude shot of them. Which means you can also end up seeing the 9th Doctor and Toshiko naked.

Do I have to mention that the pics are pretty NSFW? I didn’t think so. But if you want them, someone sent these to me (because people send me stuff like this in the mail sometimes) and now I share them with you:

This time it was the flushing bit. As almost all people in NY do, I have a tankless toilet. Hit the handle, it flushes, taa-daa, and we’re done. Except when I hit the handle it would start to flush and then make a KA-CHUNK noise like it was going to explode. If I held the handle down it would flush fine until I let go. At which point: KA-CHUNK.

So I called the super and he came up and fixed it, whatever, it’s fine and dandy now and there’s no real story there.

Except.

Sunday night he comes by with the incident report for me to sign. Because he has to bill a plumber for a part, I have to sign off on paperwork. And this is where the new word comes in.

“Let’s see. The problem…” he muttered as he filled it out, “your flushometer was broken.”

My.. my what? My flushometer.

He pronounced it as “Flush-ah-meh-ter” which is correct. Truth is, though, I want to say it is a “Flush-o-meter” which sounds far more exciting. This is a perfectly normal bit of plumbing – a flushometer controls the amount of water that is released when you flush a tankless toilet. It also controls the duration of said flush. But they called it a flushometer!

Flushometer!

I hear silly science fiction terms all the time and gloss over them. Flux capacitor, for example. Old Stan Lee stuff brings a smile to my face. But I didn’t think that the world of plumbing had been written by Stan Lee!

I was wrong.

Because you know that the Fantastic Four once had to use the Ultimate Nullifier to connect to a Cosmic Flushometer and Partial Neutrino Regulator, which itself was spliced with a Negative Zone portal shot through with … I’m just saying. Flushometer.

Flushometer people!

Flushometer!

Yeah. Thomas Jane presented the award for Best Anthology to Popgun vol. 3, edited by Mark Andrew Smith, D. J. Kirkbride, and Joe Keatinge. DJ and Joe were there. I can’t imagine what they felt like. I am having trouble imagining what I feel like now. I mean… I was on the editing team for an anthology that just won a god damned Eisner. So were Thomas Mauer and Steven Finch. We won an Eisner. Well, DJ, Mark and Joe won an Eisner but… we won an Eisner.

And yeah, I know my name isn’t in lights, I was the assistant editor on the book and they can’t name everyone and that’s fine. I am in no way hurt by that. Because that book is ours. It’s Mark’s, DJ’s, Joe’s mine and Thomas’ and Steven’s. We all worked so hard making this the best book we could, and it seems the industry agreed with our work. But that work wasn’t just us. If we busted ass, so did each and every creator who worked on the book, because without them we have … blank pages, really. So congratulations to:

Alison Acton, Joshua Agerstrand, Laura Allred, Anjin Anhut, Kris Anka, Amanda Becker, Peter Bergting, Patricio Betteo, Danilo Beyruth, Sam Bosma, Dan Brereton, Olaf Brill, Dennis Brown, Antonio Campo, Dominique Carrier, Celor, Jim Charalampidis, Bobby Clark, Ryan Cody, Dave Collinson, Dave Curd, Mike Dawson, Ben DeRosa, Michael Dialynas, JEIK Dion, Juan Doe, Becky Dreistadt, Nathan Edmondson, Ulises Farinas, Ray Fawkes, Gary Fields, Fonografiks, Frank Gibson, Vassilis Gogtzilas, Zac Gorman, George Gousis, Paul Grist, Scott Hallett, Jason Hanley, David Hopkins, Jason Ibarra, Joëlle Jones, Janet Kim, D.J. Kirkbride, Nic Klein, Adam P. Knave, Peter Krause, Edward Kwong, Erik Larsen, Robbie Lawrence, Johann “Ullcer” Leroux, Maximo V. Lorenzo, Thomas Mauer, Derek McCulloch, Sam McKenzie, Tara McPherson, Alberto Mielgo, Robb Mommaerts, Paul Montgomery, Chris Moreno, Matt Moylan, Ralph Niese, Anthony Nixon, Josh Parpan, Jeff Powell, Isam Prado, Justin Randall, Stephen Reedy, Jamie S. Rich, Rachelle Rosenberg, David Rubin, Matteo Scalera, Douglas E. Sherwood, Guillaume Singelin, Eric Skillman, Mark Andrew Smith, Eric Stephenson, Alisa Stern, Amy Stern, Chris Stevens, Frank Stockton, Andre Szymanowicz, Gregory Titus, Ron Turner, Christian Ward, Daniel Warner, Connor Willumsen, Brian Winkeler, Michael Woods, Derek Yu, K.I. Zachopoulos, Tonci Zonji and Jim Zubkavich, too.

Big thanks, too, to Image Comics for all their support and that whole “publishing the book” thing.

Holy crap. Woo!

Many of the things I forgot were noted by other people reading this and for all of those people I want to say: Thanks. Some of the stuff just didn’t fit because if you go into too much detail everything gets more confusing and sometimes I just forgot little things here and there in my efforts to get everything down. But some of NYers who did read this wanted to help, and offer advice and correct stuff which I appreciate.

So let’s see what we have out there to add!

First up a quick note about cabs. Someone reminded me of one tiny bit to mention to you. When looking at that meter:

In the far corner, and sometimes it is in the right corner and not the left, depending on the model of meter, there is a lone “1.” That is the Fare Type. It should always be a 1. If it is ever not a 1 but a 2 or 4 or whatever, mention it to the driver and ask. Different fare types have different meter rates and though sometimes changing the type is an accident, sometimes it is a scam. See, if they change the fare type to 4, say, the meter will run much faster and a ride that should cost 15 bucks will end up costing 22. So glance at it, just in case.

When talking about the Subway there were a bunch of notes.

“Don’t forget to mention that the person in the booth may actually be in the turnstile area wearing a maroon vest.” This is true. It doesn’t happen that often, but it does happen. When this is going on, the booth itself will also have a sign telling you about it, but just as fair warning, here you go.

“Something my daughter, brother and I noticed our one time so far on the subway: There seems to be an unspoken rule among New Yorkers that when riding the subway. It seems etiquette dictates that you sit/stand quietly, staring kind of down/straight ahead with a VERY bored expression and you DO NOT look at and especially don’t make eye contact or talk with any other person. Unless, if you have a book or other reading material, in which case you may look at that with that same bored expression- not that I’m particularly expressive when reading, but you get the idea.

We went the when-in-Rome route and followed suit. Just wondered… Was just us, or our trainful (and oh my, was it full!) of subway-riders? Or is this part of Subway 101?”

I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a rule, but think of it like riding an elevator. You look ahead, not at the other people in the elevator. Why? Just rude to stare. A “very bored expression” isn’t needed at all, it’s just when you ride the train a lot you start to do it by habit. It is easier to just go into a quiet state and not think. But you don’t tend to make eye contact with people for no reason.

It can be creepy and off-putting for folks. Guys, let me add here, this is doubly true for you. If you see a woman on the train and you think she’s cute or whatever – that’s nice. Now look somewhere else and leave her alone. People are riding the train to get somewhere. It isn’t a singles bar, and there’s no call to make anyone uncomfortable. And yes, you will make them feel uncomfortable. Sorry, but it’s true. So don’t.

And so we don’t make eye contact much (much… sometimes there are shirts I’ll wear that people will openly stare at, then laugh and catch my eye while laughing and that’s cool and so on.) and we don’t just start talking to strangers unless there’s a question involved or, like, “You dropped something.” A lot of people in a tiny space – you create an illusion of greater personal space by keeping to yourself. That’s all. But quiet? Pfft. Talk to your friends! Live it up!

“Possibly worth noting, since I’ve heard a lot of visitors complain about it: In many cases, entrances for trains going one direction are on one side of the street and entrances for trains going the other direction are on the other side of the street, and there is no way to get from one side to the other once you’re in the station. Before going down the stairs–or, at the very least, before going through the turnstiles–look at the sign and make sure you’re getting on the train going in the right direction! Otherwise you might lose a fare having to exit the station and go across the street to the other side.

Trains drive on the right side of parallel tracks, just like cars do on two-way streets. They also often run along (well, under) streets. So if you’re on the street that your train is under, and you’re facing the direction you want to go, the entrance you want will probably be on your right..”

Sound advice! Here’s a picture, provided, to illustrate a subway stop with a “Downtown only” marking. Pay attention to signs.

And now let’s move along to things to do while in town…

“What are the best little nuggets of awesome that would be completely overlooked by a non-native? I’m not talking about the stuff you find on, say, CitySearch, though I’m certainly open to hearing about those things if you’ve got opinions on those types of things. I’m talking about the awesome little things that really make the city experience to you, the things you love best.

Also- what would you AVOID doing? What just isn’t worth the hype and/or money in your opinion?”

See, my problem is that I’m me. You’re you. Every person reading this has different likes and dislikes. Any place I might suggest to you guys will be stuff I like a lot and may not be enjoyable by you. So I always hesitate to list a bunch of places, or even places that aren’t worth it, because that same rule applies. That said, uhm. Hmmm, I’ll list a few places.

If you want cupcakes don’t go to a Magnolia. Seriously, fuck those guys. Go downtown and find Sweet Revenge. I find their cupcakes to be superior and their attitude to be nice. They are also crowded and tiny, but worth it.

Bleeker St. Pizza is my current fave pizza place in town. Good crust, great sauce, good service and some wonderful toppings and such. The Nonna Maria slice is often considered to be their best. Fresh mozzarella, basil, cheese, it’s a wonderful slice.

If you have time to visit the Cloisters, you should. The Point Break bar has an amazing cajun chicken corn chowder that has to be tried to be believed. I’m also a long time fan of Old Town which used to be a big writer and publisher bar and is still just a good solid bar and place to grab a bite with an overload of charm.

If you like comics at all, make it a point to stop by Jim Hanley’s Universe. Seriously. Best comic store in all of NY. Tell them I sent you. Hell, they even have copies of my prose books for sale. And not only are they the best store, they have the best staff I’ve met. Up the block (going west) from Hanley’s is a great Irish pub, Jack Dempsey’s. There is another one between Dempsey’s and Hanley’s but Dempsey’s is a better place with better food. Both places are across the street from the Empire State Building so, there you have it.

That’s all eating and shopping and drinking, though. Otherwise what I love to do is just walk. Start somewhere and just walk. Make random turns and just enjoy yourself. There’s so much to see and just settle into that you never know what you’ll end up doing. Going for 4 or 5 mile walks just to look around is still my hands down favorite thing to do in town.

“How much would a customary tip typically be in New York?”

18 or 20% is generally standard. As a rule of thumb, double the tax on a bill and add a bit to it. When in doubt, tip more rather than less.

“Do I have to bring my own C.H.U.D.s, or will one be provided for me when I enter the city?”

Bring your own. Funny thing, I knew someone whose father worked on that film. On the set they all called the movie CRUD. So there you go.

I think that’s all I got in my head right now. I’m sure there’s stuff I am forgetting, of course. But ask more stuff in comments here and we’ll keep going. Why not?

Thanks for spending all week with me and these posts. It’s been fun trying to get all this information out and trying to find ways to make it work for people. I hope people who are coming to NY for the first time get something of use out of these posts and that people who have been here and live here were at least amused.

You can also find information , theoretically, about things to do in New York City at UpTake, a site that speciifcally asked me to link to them, and sorta-bribed me to do so. They might even be useful! Who knows!

You might take a cab while you’re in NY. That’s great! Cabs are a wonderful thing. There are, of course, some things you should know. All NY taxis are licensed by the Taxi and Limousine Commission. They are all the same yellow color. They have indicator lights on the roof. We will come back to those lights, they are important.

But first, how do you hail a cab? This is fairly simple. You stand on the curb and raise an arm. That’s it. You don’t have to shout, whistle or wave. In fact, please don’t do any of those things. Here, for example, is Cameron Diaz hailing a cab:

That’s it. Now, when you go to hail a cab you may notice other people also trying to get a cab. Do not stand a foot or two in front of them and try to hail a cab. That’s rude. They have staked a claim. Walk at least half a block away, a full block is preferable, before trying.

Once you have decided to hail a cab, commit to it. Don’t decide after two minutes of waiting, that maybe another block will be better. Just wait it out. You’ll waste far more time walking to another block and trying than you will simply waiting.

Do note that cabs have shifts and thus shift changes. If you try and hail a cab around 4pm, 12am or 8am you might have a greater wait. This is where those lights on the top of a cab come in.

There is a number in the center and two smaller bits of text to either side. The number in the center is the cab’s medallion number. The lights to either side either each say “off duty” or one says “off” and the other “duty.” When the cab is full none of those lights will be on. If a cab has a passenger it will not stop to pick you up. Some towns that is different, but that’s the way we do it in NY. If the center medallion number is lit then the cab is free, and will, hopefully, stop and pick you up. If the center light is off and the Off Duty lights are on then the cab is off duty and will not pick you up. Generally.

See, sometimes an off duty cab will pull over for you. When this happens do not get in the cab. The cab driver will ask you where you’re going. Tell them. They will then decide if they want to take you there. Because they are off duty they are under no obligation to take a fare. They’re off work and need to get that car back to the garage and give it to another driver who is already waiting for them. They also want to go home. So the mere act of stopping is to do you a favor. Treat it as a favor. If they say they can’t take you (often because you are going too far past where they need to go or in an utterly different direction) do not get mad, curse or insist that they take you somewhere. Thank them. They stopped to try and do you a favor. Thank them and let them drive away. Then resume trying to hail a cab.

So, let us say you have hailed a cab and it stopped and is on duty and empty. Get in the cab, quickly, and close the door. Then tell the nice cab driver where you want to go. Street then avenue. “68th and 7th” or “71st and Broadway” or whatever. This is important because we do have streets with low numbers that can be the same as avenue numbers. 4th and 7th is very different than 7th and 4th. And yes saying 7th avenue and 4th street should work, but it is much simpler to always phrase destinations in terms of street then avenue. It cuts down on confusion and mistakes.

Try to always give a cab driver a street and avenue combination. Giving them a building number is never as effective as an intersection street. If you need to go to, say, 5240 Broadway you can ask your destination what the cross street is (in this case, oddly since I chose that address at random, it is directly between 114th and 115th streets, so either would work.). Call ahead and plan your trip. Know where you are going. That’s general good advice no matter where in the world you go.

So you’re in a cab, you’ve told them where to go and you’re off! Now what? No, this isn’t over yet. First of all, please be aware that all NY cabs now have little TV screens in the back. You can watch these if you want. They make me car sick. After a start-up splash (they turn on when the driver turns the meter on) there will be, somewhere on the touch screen, an off button. Feel free to use it.

The meter must be turned on. If a cab leaves the curb and by about a 30 second mark the driver has not turned on the meter, tell him. It will look like some variation on this:

And it is located in the center of the dashboard, or just on top of it. If the cab driver says he doesn’t need to turn on the meter or gives you any sort of excuse for not turning it on, tell him that “Here is fine,” and get out of the cab. Scams happen. Rarely, but they do happen. You don’t want to get to your destination and have the driver make up some random amount of money you owe them. No. So make sure the meter is on.

And speaking of the meter, how much will this ride cost you? Well, as of this writing, the current fare is as follows:

$2.50 to start. It costs $2.50 to turn the meter on and leave the curb. Then it is $0.40 per additional unit. What’s a unit? Well from the TLC page itself:

• one-fifth of a mile, when the taxicab is traveling at 6 miles an hour or more; or
• 60 seconds when not in motion or traveling at less than 12 miles per hour.
• The taximeter shall combine fractional measures of distance and time in accruing a unit of fare. Any combination of distance or time shall be computed by the taximeter in accordance with the National Institute of Standards and Technology Handbook 44.
• The fare shall include pre-assessment of the unit currently being accrued; the amount due may therefore include a full unit charge for a final, fractional unit.
• Night surcharge of $.50 after 8:00 PM & before 6:00 AM
• Peak hour Weekday Surcharge of $1.00 Monday – Friday after 4:00 PM & before 8:00 PM
• New York State Tax Surcharge of $.50 per ride

Note that cabs are required to take credit cards these days but that can screw the driver so please use cash if you can. See if you pay by credit card they lose money to the CC processing fee and also have to wait 30 days to get the money. And that can throw them off in terms of their in/out. I’m not saying don’t use credit cards – pay however you need to – just advising that if you CAN pay cash, please do. Also tip. Please don’t forget to tip. A dollar every five dollars of fare is a good tip if you can.

You need to remember that driving a cab is not a great money making scheme for the driver. They are in a car working for someone. Every night they have to pay a few hundred bucks (minimum) to the garage to take the car out. They also pay for gas and any work done on the cab while they were out in it. Also if you litter in a cab the driver can be fined $250 by the TLC should a TLC agent stop the cab and check. And they do. It’s horrible the way cab drivers are treated in this town. So be nice to them, thank them for the ride, and tip.

Enjoy your cab ride! Most cab rides are done at perfectly pleasant speeds and are quite comfortable. There is A/C and if it is not on but you want it on, ask the driver. You can also ask that they turn off their music, or turn it down, if it bothers you too much. Remember, stay polite and patient and so will everyone else involved.

Tomorrow – answers to the questions you’ve left over the last week, and today, so be sure to come back.

You can also find information , theoretically, about things to do in New York City at UpTake, a site that speciifcally asked me to link to them, and sorta-bribed me to do so. They might even be useful! Who knows!