Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

What happens when you yell “movie” in a crowded firehouse?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

What is a “free” gift ? Aren’t all gifts free?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

If it’s 0 degrees today, and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, …how cold will it be?

What year did Jesus think it was?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Is there another word for synonym?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who’s the idiot that said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

What are Preparation A thru Preparation G?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If a cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette?

Why is it that when you are on the telephone, writing furiously and holding a finger up to tell the person who just came into your office to hold on a second, they ask “Do you have a minute?”

Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?

How come there aren’t “B” batteries?

If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000’s of timesper minute, then why do they give them to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

Why do doctors call what they do practice?

Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

Is a metaphor like a simile?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If the ..2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still ..2?

If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Isn’teverywhere within walking distance if you have the time?

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you’ve tried some of the others?

How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth?If you’re planning on lying, do they really think you’ll tell them so?

What do sheep count when they can’t get to sleep?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?

Why aren’t there ever any GUILTY bystanders?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren’t made for jumping on?

Why do they call it life insurance?

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?

How do you remove a club soda stain?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 “ups”?

Where do flys go when it rains?

Why Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Why is there only one monopolies and mergers commission?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4's”?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”

Why do they call it apartments if they’re all shoved together? from THAN0SEID

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? from Curt

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? from Curt

How many times do you use a disposable razor? from Curt

If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like? from Curt

If superman is so clever, why does he wear his underwear on the outside?

If you are refinishing a table, shouldn’t you have to restart? from Curt

If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end? from Curt

If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would see okay?

You know how most well labeled packages say “Open Here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open Somewhere Else”?

When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?

When they finish making styro-foam what do they package it in?

When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Why does sour cream have a use-by date?

Why is it that no matter how tall you are or where you’re standing, if you’re washing your hands, and the water splashes you, it always looks like you’ve pissed yourself?

Why is it that when they show a computer ad they show computers and when they show a car ad they show cars but when they show a condom ad they show people playing tennis? from Curt

Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?

Why when you throw up does it go everywhere but in the toilet?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume of the radio?

Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts: This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?

Why is it that international magazines that advertise products will have the same description of something in different languages, but the description of each language is written in english? Who’s that supposed to benefit? from Curt

Why is the “knee-jerk” response to a paper cut is “Oh, those are the worst kind.”? Don’t you think getting hacked with a machete would be worse? from Curt

If a building is already built, why do they call it a building and not a built? from Jeremy Parker

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If 7–11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why do weinies come in packs of ten, but buns come in packs of eight ?

What ever happened to the Bubble Boy ?

Why do people drop a letter in the mailbox and then open the lid again to see if it really went down ?

Why do people believe that pushing an elevator or drink machine button several times will bring the car/drink faster ?

Why do the camera men for baseball games always show the players at the moments they are adjusting their cups?

If a bear farts in the woods, do the trees hear it?

Why is it called “rush hour” when your car barely moves?

If Superman is so clever, why is his underwear on the outside?

If a 7–11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

You know how cartons say, “Open Here.” What are the chances of seeing one that says, “Open Somewhere Else”?

If it’s a circular drive, how do you get out?

Why does sour cream have a “use by” date?

Why is it that when you deliver something by car, it’s called a shipment,
and when you deliver something by boat, it’s called cargo?

How do “Don’t Walk on the Grass” signs get there?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

It toast always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their
feet,what would happen if you strapped the buttered toast on the back of the cat and dropped them both?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Has anyone ever forgotten how to ride a bicycle?

Why do they call it a “garage sale” when the garage is not for sale?

If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?

Are cows always in fashion because they are always wearing leather?

Why has the cost of living still not affected it’s popularity?

Do chocolate eggs come from chocolate chickens?

Why does everybody have a different definition of ‘good enough’?

We all know the speed of light, but what is the speed of dark?

Why don’t we ever hear about gruntled employees?

How do they get the deer to cross at the road sign?

Where is the ‘any’ key on my computer keyboard?

There are many people scared of heights, why aren’t there people scared of widths?

In exams, why does it say ‘Write in your own words’? Surely you can’t just go and make up your own words?

According to statisticians there is a 14 million to one chance of winning the lottery, and a 1 million to one chance of being run over and killed by a bus. So why don’t more people bet on getting run over by a bus?

Can a red-green color-blind person ever truly experience Valentines Day and Saint Patricks day?

Is luck a losers excuse for a winners position?

Why is a Laundrymat called a Laundrymat and not a Laundry-washing and drying place outside your home that you have to pay for? And why is the Mat added anyway?

Is the hardness of the butter proportional to the softness of the bread?

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are your waiting?

Why is the greatest pleasure in life doing something others tell you that you cannot?

When shops have a sign on the door ‘Guide dogs only’ who is supposed to read it? The dog?

Is the lottery a tax on people who are bad at maths?

Is gambling the only way of getting nothing for something?

Why is the phrase ‘It’s none of my business’ always followed by ‘but…’?

Where can a man buy a cap for his knee?

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, would the first woodpecker to come along destroy civilization?

Why don’t people on television ever go to the toilet?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button always stays the same?

Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand?

Why is the best way to get things done to do it yourself?

Are unripened oranges called greens?

If LSD was to be advertised on T.V., would the slogan be ‘LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand’?

Can you beat the drum of your ear?

Is experience what you get when you don’t get what you want?

When travelling at the speed of sound, can you still hear the radio?

Why do teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly the same?

Even as we approach the 21st century, when central heating has become almost standard, why are there few more inviting prospects on a winter’s night than an open log fire?

Does it prove that life is hard by the fact that no-body gets out of it alive?

Why do shops always discontinue any brand that sells well?

Why do important letters that apparently contain no mistakes when sent always seem to develop them in the post?

If you don’t know where you’re going, how are you supposed to get there?

Does the information super-highway have service stations?

To be or not to be… Is that a trick question?

If life is hard, shouldn’t we all be wearing helmets?

Is Windows 95 the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology?

How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?

Is a bad looser automatically a bad winner as well?

If you use indoor fireworks, do you need to shut your pets outside?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, would you be able to keep away three doctors a day by eating an apple every eight hours?

Is the best way to keep the doctor away by throwing the apple at him?

When you are sitting on the bus late for work, is everyone else on that bus also late?

How can you look up a spelling in a dictionary? Surely you must already know the spelling to look it up?

If religion is so good, how come it started so many wars?

Why are people that describe themselves as ‘larger-than-life’ always so one dimensional that if you turned them 90 degrees to the side you would not be able to see them?

According to people who practice homeopathy ‘like cures like’ — so would you cure the ‘flu by getting somebody with a cold to sneeze over you?

Would you be able to use hypnotherapy if you had problems with your hip?

They say some skin creams are dermotologically tested, who is this Dermot O’logical?

If university is a fountain of knowledge, why are most of the students there to drink?

Is a Polar Bear a rectangular Bear after a co-ordinate transform?

If the only tool you had was a hammer would every problem resemble a nail?

Why has the cost of living still not affected it’s popularity?

Did the Roman empire fall because they had no way of indicating zero?

Is the art of diplomacy the ability to say ‘nice doggy’ until you find a gun?

Do chocolate eggs come from chocolate chickens?

Why does everybody have a different definition of ‘good enough’?

If everyone settled for good enough, would things be good enough? …Of coarse the would, because everyone believes things are good enough. The only reason to change something is if someone feels it’s not good enough. Therefore, if everyone felt everything was good enough, nothing would have to change, and things would ALWAYS be good enough. GOOD ENOUGH?
(NOTE from Trish:This sounds like Congress trying to explain Impeachment)

Star Wars starts ‘A long time ago, in a galaxy far away…’ — Yet how come everything is so futuristic?

Why do aliens in sci-fi films always speak English, with an American accent?

If you ordered a pizza with no toppings would you have to pay extra because it’s a speciality pizza?

If absence makes the heart grow fonder how come long distance relationships always fail?

Should you live every day as if it were your last because eventually, one day you’ll be right?

If life’s a big joke, why don’t I get it?

Mustn’t counting the pollen for the pollen count be very boring?

Under the sea, how come it’s always the starfish that gets to be the sheriff?

Did Farmers create Mad Cow Disease just to make the rest of the population as mad as they are?

We hear so much about couch potatoes, when will we hear about couch broccoli?

If you didn’t have dis-belief, would you need faith?

If Spiderman became arachnaphobic would he be scared of himself?

Are lies just the truth from a different angle?

What would happen if you installed a trap window instead of a trap door? And wouldn’ this be the same as a normal window?

Does Law only apply to those that do something wrong?

Can you have only one plural?

Why do they give hurricanes names?

Who is the amateur cameraman that manages to get footage from all the major disasters?

Is deep sea diving a very high pressure job?

How can you tell what time you went to sleep?

How can anyone NOT read their own handwriting?

Why are there inter-state highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when we’re driving and looking for an address, we turn the volume on the radio down?

We all know the speed of light, but what is the speed of dark?

Why don’t we ever hear about gruntled employees?

What would happen if they found an ancient burial ground underneath a serial killer house?

Does a tourist information centre tell you about the tourists that have visited?

Could you ask the direction to the nearest tourist information center from a tourist information center?

How do they get the deer to cross at the road sign?

Why are there use-by dates on sour cream containers?

Is lighting the only difference between pornography and erotica?

Is sanity madness put to good use?

Where is the ‘any’ key on my computer keyboard?

When they interview the next door neighbors of serial killers, is it so strange the neighbors say ‘They were loners’ every time?

What is the point of brick wallpaper?

When you’ve lost something, and ask somebody else if they’ve seen it, why do the always say ‘Where did you leave it?’ If you knew where you left it, it wouldn’t be lost.

There are many people scared of heights, why aren’t there people scared of widths?

In exams, why does it say ‘Write in your own words’? Surely you can’t just go and make up your own words?

Should you photocopy your watch if you want time to spare?

Do people demand freedom of speech just to make up for the freedom of thought which they don’t have?

What do the Swiss army do with those knives?

Does an existentialist map have ‘You are here’ written all over it?

Why can’t we sneeze with our eyes open?

What did they go back to before drawing boards were invented?

How come pizza gets to your house quicker than the police do?

How long will a floating point operation float?

Was Jimi Hendrix’s Modem a Purple Hayes?

Do frogs have an easy life because they can always eat what bugs them?

If the going suddenly gets easy, does it mean that you’re going downhill?

Is a friend somebody who knows you, but likes you anyway?

Can short sighted drivers get prescription windscreens?

What would of happened if the ten commandments were multiple choice?

Is the best way to learn safety rules by accident?

Does the fact that intelligent life from another planet has never contacted us prove that it does exist?

If it isn’t fun, why do it?

Would the easiest way to become wise be to think of something stupid, and then to say the opposite?

Is the best way you could achieve immortality not through your work, but by not dying?

Is it true that the only way to avoid the risk of failure is by not succeeding at anything

Is change inevitable in everything except a vending machine?

Are children that get cancer smokers in a former life?

Why do some documents have pages with ‘This page intentionally left blank’ written o some pages? Surely these pages are not blank when they have ‘This page is intentionally left blank’ written on them?

To become a model employer would you simply have to employ a model?

Would an agnostic dyslexic insomniac lie awake all night wondering if there really is dog?

Why do US congressmen run for congress, but UK politicians only stand for parliament?

Would it be hard to make a date with someone who is into bondage because they’r always tied up?

What is the use of a white felt tip pen?

Why are the people who mend shoes also so good at cutting keys?

Where is ‘The blue’? — People are always phoning out of it

How can people remember when they’ve had amnesia?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

If you are queuing in the 10 items or less queue at the supermarket, and you had more than 10 items, could you change your name to Les and still get served?

If you went for lessons in bicycle riding, but could only afford half the lessons, would you be able to ride a unicycle?

Are the three dimensions of a credit card length, width and debt?

If you wore two pairs of 3-D glasses at the same time would you be able to see in 6-D?

If the world was a logical place would men also ride a horse side-saddle?

Is it true that necrophilliacs wouldn’t be caught dead with the living?

We have enough youth — what about a fountain of intelligence?

If bankers are so good with figures, why do they have eight counters but only four assistants serving?

If you teach a child to be polite and courteous, when he grows up will he ever be able to get his car onto the freeway?

Is the best cure for insomnia a lot of sleep?

Does a man who has his feet on the ground find it difficult to get his trousers on?

Why does a cowboy wear two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, surely the other side does too?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

If our knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?

What would happen if you bought a pack of batteries and found out that batteries were not included?

There is a CD called “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane” — If you bought this, and enjoyed it, would you have to take it back for a refund?

Is there such a thing as a little lie?

If the meek shall inherit the earth, is that because they are too weak to refuse it?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?

If you shouted at your plants instead of talking to them would they stop growing becaus they felt troubled and insecure?

How can you be anything but yourself?

Is there another word for synonym?

Just before somebody gets nervous do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

When sign makers go on strike, do they write anything on their picket signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he think you are just sitting there staring at carpeting?

Where do park keepers go to get away from it all?

Is a conclusion simply a time when you got tired of thinking?

Would you grow a pigeon if you planted bird seed?

Why do they report power cuts on television?

Do the obituaries in the newspaper prove that people die in alphabetical order?

Is the speed of time one second per second?

Is time natures way of keeping everything from happening at once?

Does a psychic amnesiac know in advance what he is going to forget?

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is a budget simply a method of going broke methodically?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Could you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?

If a man who had dyslexia was also cross-eyed, could he read properly?

Is a harp a piano with no clothes on?

If diamonds are a girls best friend, and a dog is a mans best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Could you ever see something that looks like an optical illusion?

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

If Winnie the Pooh tried to take over the government would it be called a Pooh d’état?

If you wanted to find out how many lives your cat had left, would you be able to repeatedl hit it with a mallet, and then simply subtract the number of blows used to bring about it’s demise from nine?

If Dolphins are so smart, why do they keep getting caught in tuna nets?

If you crossed a philosopher with a member of the mafia, would he make you an offer you couldn’t understand?

To save money, should hospitals hire hypnotists to make patients think they’ve had their operations?

With the technology available today, how come mankind has still not been able to create a covincing toupeé?

Would you ever need an ejector seat in a helicopter?

Is health is just the longest way to prolong death?

Does a horse travel at one horsepower?

When planets travel around in circles they call it orbiting. When people do the same thing, why do they call them crazy?

Most books say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?

Is a vibration a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go?

Is lime a green-tasting rock?

Why did so many dead animals in the past change into fossils while others prefered to change into oil?

Are clouds just high flying fogs?

Is Rain is saved up in cloud banks?

Why do they call it a busy signal?

If it takes a big man to cry, would it take a much bigger man to laugh at him? (Jack Handey)

If you thought you were clever for starting a fire by rubbing two sticks together would it be classed as cheating if one of those sticks was a match?

They say a good comedian has to have good timing, so would it be considered bad timing if a he rang you up at 3 a.m to tell you a brilliant new joke?

Does the cockney alphabet only need 25 letters?

When you have two items to carry, why is the largest one always the lightest?

Who cares how long a piece of string is?

Would living in a nudist colony take all the fun out of Halloween?

Do illiterate people still get the full effect of alphabetti-spaghetti?

If you were in a time machine and you shoved your elbow out of the window, would it turn into a fossil?

How can you have a frameless frame?

If God had meant football to be played in the air, wouldn’t he have put grass in the sky?

Why are wrong numbers never engaged?

If a turtle lost it’s shell, would he be homeless or naked?

If a man who cannot count finds a four leaf clover, is he still lucky?

If trees could scream would we all still be so cavalier about cutting them down?

Where does all the white go when the snow melts?

If laughter is the best medicine, why do so many people die?

Why shouldn’t we speak ill of the dead? They are the only people who can’t sue us.

If a man stood in a forest, and he spoke with no woman around to hear him, would he still be wrong?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that Doctors call what they do a ‘practice’?

What would happen if you forgot to think, and then forgot to start again?

The bible tells us to love our neigbors, and to love our enemies. Are these the same people?

Why do they call it ‘Unsweetened Tea’? Have they put sugar into it, and then taken it ou again?

Why do people who know the least always shout the loudest?

Why is it, that when you transport something by car it’s called ‘shipment’, but when you transport it by ship it is called ‘cargo’?

If you had everything, where would you put it?

Why don’t they make the entire plane out of the same material they make the black box out of?

Why doesn’t your stomach digest itself?

How many contests would you have to enter before you became ineligible to enter because you’ve entered too many contests?

When your wife is giving birth, and the midwife didn’t turn up on time, would you call that a midwife crisis?

Why should you fight fire with fire? Surely you should use water?

Why is it, whenever you get more help at work, you get less done?

Do Satanists have to make lots of sacrifices for their religious beliefs?

Who had the foresight to call them Disc jockeys? Surely back in the early days of radio they only had records?

If everybody else in the world had a flu vaccination, would you need one?

If you drive past a road sign that has been knocked over, do you still have to do what it says?

If it wasn’t for the last minute, would anything ever get done?

Why don’t batteries come in packs of one?

Why do you always find yourself queuing behind the worlds largest family when you go into McDonalds?

If you bought a voodoo globe, and spun it around really quickly, would everybody in the world get really dizzy?

Why does the work that you have to do always expand to fill up the time that the pubs are open?

What did they call barn owls before they had barns?

When something has more functions, does that mean there is a much higher chance of it breaking down?

How can life begin at forty? Surely it begins when you are born?

Was the Marie Celeste crewed by Lemmings?

How many teeth does it take to make a tube of toothpaste?
Is there such a thing as a trick answer?

Why would you want to take the high road or the low road when there’s so many nice level roads to take?

If winning isn’t important, why do we take part?

If God is everywhere, why do people look up when addressing him?

If somebody held a fancy dress party on an airplane, could it be called a flight of fancy?

When somebody is ill, Why do people say ‘He went to bed with his head. ‘Where else was his head meant to go?

If there is a meaning to life, why do we all have to die?

When a paraplegic gets drunk, would he still be called legless?

When someone is carrying something, why do they say ‘You’ll have somebody’s eye out with that!’ Even when its a blunt object?

Why do people say ‘it’s too cold to snow?’ It’s minus 50 in the Artic, and there’s plenty of snow there.

What does God believe in?

If you smoked a joint, and drank a cup of coffee, would they cancel each other out?

If the police arrested a mime, would they have to tell him he had the right to silence?

Do people with psychic powers get nostalgic about next week?

If somebody with multiple personalities tried to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Everything in space is weightless, but would a really fat astronaut weigh just a little bit?

When people say that they’ve lost their train of thought, where does it go?

When you drink coffee out of a tea cup, can you still call it a tea cup?

If the world is spinning so quickly, why don’t we all get dizzy?

When people who eat natural foods die of food poisoning, do they die of natural causes?

Would vegetarians eat carrots if they had faces?

According to the X-files you should trust no-one, so why should you trust Mulder and Scully?

Do shampoos without ‘Pro-vitamins’ use ammeter vitamins?

Why do you never want the one you can afford?

Do joggers with pump-up trainers have to carry spares?

What is so good about Columbus discovering America? It’s so big, how could he miss it?

Why do they call it a free gift? aren’t all gifts free?

Why do you never see signs that say ‘Feel free to smoke’?

If smoking is bad for you, how come every packet has a silver lining?

Can athiests get insurance for acts of God?

Why don’t people who believe in re-incarnation leave all their money to themselves?

Why does an alarm clock ‘go off’ when it starts ringing?

Why do they call them ‘a-partments’ when they are all stuck together?

Why is it called a ‘building’ when it is already built?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why do you never get any good news from a letter with a window in it?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a clown had a child, and it started messing around, would he be able to tell the child too stop clowning around?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your criminal record?

If there is a time and place for everything, why are there so many criminals?

Isn’t the word ‘Deadline’ a little too harsh?

Why do people like table dancing? Who wants to see a table dance?

Why are wise men, and wise guys the exact opposite?

They say you can’t take it with you when you go, but what if it really wants to go with you?

If you had a Kryptonite cross, could you defeat Dracula and Superman at the same time?

What would happen if you had two half baked ideas at the same time?

Do they teach the law of Gravity at Law school?

What are we going to party like when it’s 1999? 2099?

Why do they put the word ‘off’ on light switches?

Does a man who works in a bean factory always have his finger on the pulse?

Why do people take life so seriously when it isn’t permanent?

If ignorance is bliss, why arn’t more people happy?

When they say a man drowned in a pool of his own sick, must he have been really sick to fill up that pool?

Does a boxer make money hand over fist?

Why are people that own personal organizers the only people that have no life to
organize?

Is the best way to keep death off of the roads to drive on the pavements?

If Aliens existed, and they had technology far in advance of our own, why would they be
able to travel millions of light years across the universe unharmed, and then crash?

Why does your nose only itch when your hands are full?

Why do tourists got to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they
can see things on the ground in close-up?

Do they have seeing eye huskies for eskimos?

Is reality just an illusion caused by the lack of alcohol?

Could a woman with varicose veins goto a fancy dress party as a road map?

If black boxes are indestructable, why don’t the make the entire aircraft out of the same
material that they’re made of?

How many babies does it take to make a tub of baby oil?

Do people who brush their teeth with baking soda cook with toothpaste?

If you held a fist long enough, would your nails eventually grow through the back of your hand?

Why is phonetic not spealt the way it sounds?

Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

And why is “big” such a small word?

If madness takes it’s toll, do you need exact change?

Wouldn’t it be easier to get a soloution, then find a problem?

If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown as well?

Why is there only one monopolies commision?

If you turn your computer monitor off, how do you know that your sceensaver is still working?

Why is it called a siamese cat if there is only one of them?

If animals are not meant to be eaten, why are they made of meat?

If 7–11 is open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, why do they heve locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get it to stick?

Why do people take babies on holiday? They’ve never worked a day in
theirr lives — they don’t need a holiday.

Why do you always get a shock when you see somebody you know on
the television?

Why do we call ourselves the human race? Is somebody going to win?

1. Este año sí me pongo a estudiar.
2. No te va doler.
3. Un momento y nos vamos.
4. Justo te iba a llamar ahora
5. Por mi madre que nunca más vuelvo a beber.
6. ¿Yo?…¿Con ésa?… NUNCA!!!!!!! Ni borracho!!!
7. El profe me tiene manía.
8. Perdimos por el árbitro.
9. Pasé el semaforo en ambar.
10. Ponlo tú que mañana te lo pago.
11. El día 1 dejo de fumar.
12. Se me perdió tu teléfono.
13. Justo estaba pensando en ti.
14. Solo somos amigos.
15. Se cayo solo y se rompió.
16. Pero si yo estudié esta vez!!!
17. Me gustaste desde la primera vez que te vi!
18. Te queda muy bien!!!!
19. Te juro que no se lo voy a contar a nadie.
20. El lunes empiezo la dieta.
21. Sí, salí con ella, pero no paso nada.
23. Sí,choqué, pero la culpa la tuvo el otro.
24. Es en serio que Playboy tiene un Web?
25. Te estuve llamando, pero comunicaba.
26. Jamás te olvidaré.
27. Llámame en cinco minutos que estoy en una reunión.
28. Mis ojos están rojos porque estoy resfriado.
29. Es la puntita nada más mi amor.
30. A uno de mi pueblo también le pasó
31. No escuché cuando sonó el móvil, debe ser que…
32. Hola,¿papá? Que me quedo a dormir en casa de un amigo.
33. Mañana te traigo tus CD’s.
34. Dame tiempo… tengo que aclarar mis ideas.
35. Se me perdió tu correo, a ver, dámelo.
36. Ve con calma, yo te cuido a tu chica.
37. Yo a ella la veo como amiga.
38. Yo y mi ex ahora somos amiguísimos.
40. Te querré siempre.
41. Aunque lo hemos dejado seguiremos siendo amigos.

1. Guillermo Andino

2. Bill Clinton

3. David Nalbandian. No solo lo decimos nosotros, tambien Federer: http://www.clarin.com/suplementos/especiales/2005/11/21/l-00801.htm

4. Ernst Grafenberg

5. Baby Etchecopar (hasta contrafuego)

6. Gerardo Sofovich

7. MARLEY

8. Astro&Glyde

9. Sebas de Costa Rica

10.a. Roberto “Dandy” Bouzas

10.b. Jesus* (me hizo teta un bondi) del colegio

10.c. “Gareca”**

*Nuestro humilde homenaje a un (pequeño) grande, dejandolo entrar en nuestro top 10. 10, justamente la cantidad de dientes que tenia en la boca (Q.E.P.D.)

**Solo les pido que busquen a Parker Stevenson. Agradecidos por siempre por su vital papel de Craig Pomeroy en Baywatch. Sin el, el show no hubiera sido nada.

Proximamente aquellos que no lograron pasar el corte de los 10, pero estan ahi, a una grandiosa accion de entrar, o a la espera de una caida de algun top 10.

On Jack Bauer’s Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.

Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.

Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a “knock knock” joke. Jack Bauer found out who wa there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, “I have them right where I want them.”

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn’t let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.

If everyone on “24” followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12”.

Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.

Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.

When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.

Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.

Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O’Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.

There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer doesn’t need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.

After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.

There’s one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s fucking beef.

Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

When Jack Bauer says, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore”, the statement must be loosely translated as, “I can still rip off your head, I just don’t know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time.”

Life doesn’t give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.

…and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, “I’ll take it from here.”

The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.

If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.

My husband doesn’t wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

Jack Bauer can pronounce the name “Ahmed” however he fucking wants
.
If Jack Bauer’s gun jams, it’s because he wanted to beat you with it.

The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.

It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.

MTV once tried to ‘Punk’ Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk’d after season one.

Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means “quick interrogation.”

A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.

If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.

If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.

Jack Bauer doesn’t have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It’s basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer’s PC. Ever.

Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.

In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer doesn’t have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can’t believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack doesn’t believe in Murphy’s Law, only Bauer’s Law: “Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours.”

Jack Bauer doesn’t laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, “Previously, on 24…”

RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it’s what Edgar would have wanted. :(

Jack Bauer doesn’t need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.

Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.

Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an “Assault Weapon”. Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don’t lie.

Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.

Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Bauer is not word, it is a sentence…A death sentence.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.

When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.

The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer’s methods were “cruel and unusual punishment”. The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.

Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.

When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, “Get me Jack Bauer.” He didn’t say, “Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym.”

“Jack Bauer Camp” makes “Guantanamo Bay” sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.

“You don’t know Jack” is a blessing among terrorists.

Don’t ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He’ll explain in the car.

Jack Bauer doesn’t take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer doesn’t speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity — twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: “Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day.”

Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don’t ask how he did it, he’s fucking Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.

The “Smoothie” was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.

Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re fucking dead.”

Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.

American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.

Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.

When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.

When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack’s. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn’t have to bear witness to what he’d do to Nina.

When Jack says “I won’t take no for an answer” you better not say no.

Jack Bauer doesn’t eat honey. He chews bees.

Jack Bauer wasn’t born, he was unleashed.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn’t around?

When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn’t fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.

Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.

You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That’s because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.

In high school Jack Bauer was voted “Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid”… and “Best Eyes.”

Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.

When Jack Bauer is running, you’d better fucking run as well, if he’s chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead…once.

Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer… he just tells his gun to be quiet.

When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.

Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.

Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake. The snake died.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

If you’re holding a gun to Jack Bauer’s head, don’t count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

Upon putting the plastic bag over his brother’s head in Day 6, Jack Bauer suddenly remembered how much he loved family reunions.

Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel — otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.

When asked what he got on his S.A.T’s, Jack Bauer promptly responded “Blood.”

If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be “king of the jungle”.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn’t hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, “You’re in good hands with Jack Bauer”.

Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.

When you go to hell, it’s just a room with you and Jack.

When playing “Truth or Dare,” Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.

Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, “How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?”

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.

This bag is not a toy. It is a torture device used by Jack Bauer.

Jack has broken Tony’s leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer’s way of saying, “let’s be friends.”

Jack Bauer is the ‘i’ in team.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

“Jack Bauer” is Arabic for “I’m fucked”.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It’s that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.

When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.

Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

Jack Bauer once called the Vice President “Mr. President”, but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.

Don’t beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.

Jack Bauer turns his regular bathtub into a jacuzzi simply by intimidating the water until it begins trembling in fear.

The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn’t matter.

Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.

Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards “The Man of Year*”, there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, “ *besides Jack Bauer.”

James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Never use the phrase, “I feel half dead,” around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.

When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn’t see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a pussy.

G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.

Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer’s master plan to rid the world of Communism.
Jack Bauer removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him.

Jehovah’s Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.

Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to “Don’t get up!” from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.

Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel size bottle of mouthwash.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells “WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME” while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook.

Jack Bauer doesn’t make threats. He makes facts.

The safety on Jack’s gun isn’t there to protect Jack. It’s there to protect the gun.

During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.

Jack Bauer released episodes 1–4 of season 6 to the internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.

After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.

When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.

My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was “just a television character”. We are now orphans.

The bumper sticker on Jesus’s car reads, “WWJBD?”

When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says “You Win” and turns itself off again.

Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.

In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib. I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink
.
Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.

If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don’t want to see what he’s about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you’re about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you’ve ever seen.

Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.

James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don’t need any licenses.

Jack Bauer’s vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.

Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to “beat it,” and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson’s downward spiral.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.

What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.

Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.

No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy” in a sentence and lived to tel-

The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn’t be an accident.

Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests…. Jack Bauer doesn’t associate with anything that is #2.

Jack Bauer doesn’t eat honey, he chews bees.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.

In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn’t need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.

Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.

When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.

Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.

24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned.

Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through Jack Bauer’s gun.

Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween. It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history.

The only purpose of the airbag in Jack Bauer’s car is to prevent the steering wheel from being damaged by Jack’s face.

The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, “I won’t let anything happen to you”.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.

In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called “OPERATION SWARMER” or, as Jack Bauer calls it, “casual Friday.”

Jack Bauer’s dog put a sign on his fence that read “Beware of Jack.”

How many Jack Bauer’s does it take to change a light bulb? None, Jack Bauer can see in the dark.

Strippers tip Jack Bauer.

Dr House once told Jack Bauer that “House” could kick 24’s ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.

Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a ‘Jack Bauer’. He received three shots of Jack Daniel’s, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.

Jack Bauer doesn’t have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.

Nobody says ‘hit me’ when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.

Jack Bauer doesn’t ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.

Kim Bauer only exists because they don’t make Kevlar condoms.

Jack Bauer was recently named “most likely cause of injury” among C.T.U. security guards.

Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.

On Jack’s day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they’d prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to “grow up”. Good times… good times.

Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called “Jack Bauer” by their girlfriends during sex.

Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese…it must be Jack Bauer’s birthday.

Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.

You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer’s your wingman, you’re probably gonna get laid.

Jack Bauer doesn’t get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.

Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

Nathan Hale said, “I only regret that i have but one life to lose for my country.” Fuck that, Jack Bauer is on his third.

Let’s face it, Jack’s carrying bag makes Batman’s utility belt look like a piece of rope.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

If at first you don’t succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.

The term “jackin off” now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.

If you’re a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see. Fortunately, if you’re a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you’ll ever see on Earth.

Jack Bauer’s action figure has slept with more women than most men.

When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.

If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the fuck up and just played.

Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn’t feel like swimming all the way to China.

Jack Bauer can divide by zero.

As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

Jack Bauer once opened a crate containing Weapons of Mass Destruction and all it had in it was a mirror.

When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail.

When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they’ll get a group discount.

When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria’s secret.

If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter. If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.

Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.

If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven’t been robbed since.

Jack Bauer doesn’t play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.

Jack Bauer shoots first and…well that’s it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn’t need to ask questions.

Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.

Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.

No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.

China is now the number one importer of weapons of mass destruction: Jack Bauer.

The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into Jack Bauer.

Oil and Water don’t mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.

When Jack Bauer drives the Wrong Way on a street, it becomes the right way.

Jack Bauer does not use doors. He makes his own.

Jack Bauer always wins in the game “Life.” Obviously.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

Jack Bauer didn’t use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, “You’ve read my file… you know what I am capable of.”

When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run. But you’ll only die tired.

Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.

Four out of five doctors agree that Jack Bauer can be hazardous to your health. The fifth doctor couldn’t be found for comment.

Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time. It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.

If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you’re alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.

You know you’re Jack Bauer’s friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.

Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.

If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you’d get is your life.

Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season.

Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute. On his cell phone.

Jack Bauer doesn’t do sequels because there is nothing he can’t finish the first time.

Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That’s why he allows FOX to follow him around.

There are worse things in life than death. Jack Bauer can do all of them.

Jack Bauer doesn’t need to give anyone presents, the fact that they’re alive is gift enough.

Jack Bauer doesn’t breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.

Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it “night.”

Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.

If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he’d confess.

A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.

Jack Bauer knows where Carmen San Diego is.

Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap. Jack Bauer has morals.

Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.

Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.

A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.

You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.

Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.

A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.

Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Jack Bauer thought the movie “Mission: Impossible” was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.

If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn’t be so fucking long.

When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer’s your wingman, you’re not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.

Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn’t stop Jack.

When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.

Jack Bauer’s house has an alarm system — not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.

There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.

Kim is proof that “it skips a generation”.

If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in “The Matrix”, Zion would have been fucked.

Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices.

There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer’s daughter. Don’t.

Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.

Many beautiful women ask Jack Bauer to sleep with them on a daily basis but he always refuses. Is it because he’s gay? No, it’s because Jack Bauer doesn’t fucking sleep.

If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won’t ever have to park illegally again.

They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers… poor Kim. There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.

Jack’s execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa.

Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn’t have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.

The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.

Jack Bauer’s doesn’t use pickup lines, he just says, “Hi, my name is Jack Bauer.”

After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.

In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide.

Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.

Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He’d rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.

Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.

Jack Bauer doesn’t lie. He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.

Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.

Scientists can’t analyze Jack Bauer’s DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.

When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.

Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense. In fact, he has his own department — The Department of Offense.

Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.

When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.

Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.

Upon finding David Palmer’s dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as “the Unit” and moved him to another network.

Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.

Only Jack Bauer can get more information out of his interrogator than the interrogator gets out of him.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.

Jack Bauer doesn’t use toilet paper. He uses terrorists.

Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.

Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar… Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.

Jack would never have given up the wet list… no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.

Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference…..and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

“The valley of the shadow of death”, refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.

God created Jack Bauer on the 7th day, knowing He could rest easy with Jack Bauer in control.

Peace is not an absence of war, it’s an abundance of Jack Bauer.

The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

Jack Bauer’s cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.

MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.

Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…

Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.

When you get a collect call from Jack Bauer the operator doesn’t even bother to ask if you accept the charges.

Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.

When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.

If you have a headache, it’s because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.

Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.

Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.

Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: “Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?”

Jack Bauer doesn’t have a cigarette after sex. He has sex again.

Two of Jack Bauer’s wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.

Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.

Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.

Jack Bauer does not watch breaking news, he breaks the fucking news.

Jack Bauer’s first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.

Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.

Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can’t get an answer on the Bauerphone.

In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy’s name? Stephen Hawking.

If you run away from Jack Bauer, you’re just gonna die tired.

When Jack Bauer signs up for a free ipod online, they actually give him one.

Jack Bauer doesn’t work for the Department of Defense, Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.

Jack Bauer shops at Costco… without membership.

If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.

Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from “Be All You Can Be” to “Army Of One”.

If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like “protocol”, “orders”, or “civil liberties”.

Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat. Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.

Every time Jack Bauer sayes “Son of a bitch” a new CTU agent is born.
Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted. Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.

The reason Mohamed doesn’t want pictures of him drawn is because he’s afraid Jack Bauer will recognize him.

If Jack Bauer shoots you, it’s because he has a plan. If you live, you’re part of that plan.

Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.

Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.

Jack Bauer’s blood type is testosterone.

Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.

Jack Bauer is God’s Easy Button.

Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone’s first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn’t kill them.

If a tree falls in the forest, it’s because Jack Bauer wants it down.

The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn’t been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for “Sweeps Week”.

Don’t ever say “Bite me!” to Jack Bauer. He’ll do it.

Jack Bauer doesn’t aim. He tells bullets where to go.

In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality….and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.

Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, “I’ll be the one asking questions around here.”

To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber. Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.

The show 24 is always opened with.. “Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised”, was recently changed to.. “Due to Jack Bauer.”

The last time Jack Bauer got angry… Germany surrendered.

Jack Bauer doesn’t buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshall, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him where ever he wants.

Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.

The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.

While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles. He charged the battery.

Jack Bauer once beat a guy unconsious, tied him up, pulled the trigger on a gun pointing at said guys head, then cut off the guy’s arm…And that guy was his partner Chase, who he actually liked. Just imagine what he’d do to you — a person he doesn’t give a fuck about.

Jack’s favorite game show is Jeopardy, because they give him the answers before he even has to ask the questions.

Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend’s ex-husband and still have her fall for him.

Jack Bauer fought Cancer. Now it’s safe to smoke.

Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.

Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.

Clark Kent called himself Superman… Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.

Jack Bauer doesn’t read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.

To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.

Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a blowjob.

When humans trip on acid, it alters their perceptions of reality. When Jack Bauer trips on acid, it alters reality.

Jack doesn’t get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.

Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He’s holding one in his hand right now.

Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man’s chest. It read, “This is what I do to workout.”

If Jack Bauer ever runs for president, he will be the first person in history to ever have 100% of the votes.

Every person who has contributed a fact to this site has done so because Jack Bauer was holding a gun to their head.

Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.

50 million people can’t be wrong…unless Jack Bauer says so.

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer went on “Who Wants to be a Millionare?” only so he could phone a friend and yell, “You’re running out of time!” for 30 seconds.

Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.

If you’re Jack Bauer’s boss, you probably won’t be when the day is over
.
24 would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.

If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.

It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.

There isn’t anything Jack Bauer can’t take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.

If Jack Bauer doesn’t kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.

Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.

Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.

Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O’Brian.

“Panic! At the Disco” was originally called “At the Disco”. Then Jack Bauer showed up.

You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it’s just a question of how much you want it to hurt.

Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.

Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.

Jack Bauer doesn’t use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.

When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don’t ask “How High?” You ask, “When can I come down?”

CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife’s death. By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.

When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn’t cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer says theres a wrong way to eat a reeses. There’s a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.

Jack didn’t shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him. Jack shot him because he said “good luck”, which implied the possibility of failure.

Jack Bauer can talk about what happens in Vegas outside of Vegas.

Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.

When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn’t crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor’s neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked.

Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.

Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.

LA recently instituted a new city beautification program. They painted a giant picture of Jack Bauer’s face covering the whole city. Now LA’s birds are all gone because nothing shits on Jack Bauer and lives.

Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.

A man once said “Give me liberty or give me death.” Jack Bauer gave him death.

Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.

Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel. This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.

For Valentine’s Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.

Jack Bauer doesn’t need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That’s what key witnesses are for.

Jack Bauer doesn’t need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.

One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents’ authority. He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.

Jack Bauer killed Kenny.

There are only 2 types of people in the world: • Those who will do anything for Jack…and eventually die as a result. • Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will eventually die as a result.

President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.

If you replace “Jesus” with “Jack Bauer,” the Bible makes more sense.

Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet. Without a gun.

Jack Bauer once shot down a helicopter with a handgun. For real.

Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.

Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella. Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.

If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re fucked.

One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.

Jack and Dr. House are good friends. As soon as Jack kills a man, House saves him so Jack can kill him again.

Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with “Black Power”.

Jack Daniels drinks Jack Bauer. Daniels then suffers a 24 hour hangover.

Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.

When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.

The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army.

Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.

Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.

The proverb “Do unto others…” does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.

Jack Bauer cries when he watches “The Patriot.” Not because he’s sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.

Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.

Someone actually clicked on the “Who the hell is Jack Bauer” link on this site. Jack Bauer proceeded to kick down their door and torture them until they revealed what they knew about the bomb. Now they know who Jack Bauer is.

Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world. He then told her something she didn’t know about computers.

Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.

Nike doesn’t show Jack Bauer advertisements because they know he’ll “do it” when he’s goddamn ready.

Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer’s alarm clock screams out “THERE ISN’T ANYMORE TIME!”

Jack Bauer is the President’s easy button.

Jack Bauer was brought to China to enfore the one-child policy.

Jack Bauer doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

All Video games now feature four difficulty levels: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer…No one has ever beaten the game on Jack Bauer.

Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.

Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer’s mouth were “son of a bitch.”

If you tell Jack Bauer to drop his weapons, he would have to cut his arms and legs off.
Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.

Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.

Edmund Burke once stated, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Then he saw season one of “24” and ammended his statement to “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vacation.”

When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he’s not asking.

Jack Bauer didn’t bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert. You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.

Jack Bauer once found the cure for cancer. He destroyed it immediately after he realized that cancer was the only thing giving him competition in the ‘Deaths per Day’ category.

When shocked, normal people say, “Jesus Christ”, Jesus says, “Oh My God”, God says, “For the love of Jack Bauer”.

The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that’s only because he didn’t get to torture her beforehand.

A “Bauer movement” is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.

If Jack Bauer had been in “The Terminator”, Arnold would have never been back.

When Neo and Jack Bauer fought, Jack shot him. Nobody dodges Jack Bauer’s bullets.

Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase “The pen is mightier than the sword.”

Jack Bauer didn’t pull the wings off flies when he was a child. He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.

Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.

Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.

Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.

The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he’s looking in a mirror.

If you’re a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner. Somebody is going to die.

Drive-Thru’s are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddamnit Jack Bauer gets a chalupa.

Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.

Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag
.
The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.

Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.

Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.

When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.

When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Jack Bauer says he sees dead people, he’s serious because he killed them all.

Father’s Day is changing it’s name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.

Wayne Gretzky is ‘The Great One’ because Jack Bauer does not play hockey.

Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim’s birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves.

Jack Bauer doesn’t need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.

Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris. Blindfolded.

Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn’t think in terms of right and wrong, just “what I’m going to do” and “why the hell are you slowing me down?”

Jack Bauer can make Chloe smile.

Jack Bauer can eat just one ‘Lays’ potato chip.

Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are: Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.

If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.

Jack Bauer’s influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.

When most people get depressed, they seek medical attention. When Jack Bauer gets depressed, all he needs is a little radiation to get him back on his feet.

Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.

Jack Bauer can watch a nuclear explosion without suffering retinal damage.

Jack Bauer’s hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.

It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.

When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist’s neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, “Man, I finally got to fuckin’ eat.”

Swiss cheese didn’t used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.

Jack Bauer’s first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.

Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

Jack Bauer once took part in a rodeo. He won it by throwing the bull.

Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.

Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer’s picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.

If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you’d better wake up and apologize.

Shakira’s hips don’t lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unless the bird is in Jack Bauer’s hand. Then that fucking bird is dead.

Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.

Jack Bauer doesn’t follow the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Bauer asks, and you’d better tell. Or else.

For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive. So he could kill her again.

Jack Bauer’s only kidding. He knows who you’re working for.

Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer’s buttons.

The government takes portions of Jack Bauer’s lungs to make gas masks.

The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away. Let’s get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out. If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you — well amigo, you’re f****d. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*****g hates lemonade. In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy’s name? Stephen Hawking. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed. No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a p***y” in a sentence and lived to tel- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it. As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!” Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once. If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn”t want to carry you. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars. Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people. Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice. If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with. Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours. I f Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it. When in Jack Bauer’s presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down. Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic. Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in. Jack Bauer’s saliva is bullet-proof. After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,”Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me.” Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists. Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day. Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds. Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth. The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer’s friends. If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting s***-hammered. Jack Bauer’s nickname for Chuck Norris is “Aloysius Q. Vagina-Muffin”. Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum. Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three’s Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot. On Jack Bauer’s say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking. Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for. Coffee cannot start it’s day without being drunk by Jack Bauer. GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

LOS ESTUDIANTES DE LA UCA

Se levantan rezan un padre nuestro, bendicen los alimentos, toman su desayuno, comparten la mesa con toda la familia, salen rumbo a la universidad y se persignan en cada iglesia que encuentran.
Al llegar le dejan unas monedas al mendigo de la puerta (hay que ser buenos con el prójimo), se persignan ante la entrada de la Facultad y rezan para que ese día les vaya bien.
En sus clase, se encuentran Teología I, II, III, VI,V, VI, VII….. (cátedra: PEDRO, el apóstol) Solo en el 7mo. Recreo descansan…..
Nunca se copiaron, ni lo harían.
Sus mejores amigos son el padre que los confiesa, y las monjas de la capilla mas cerca de su domicilio.
Comida favorita: pan y vino.
Libros mas leídos: “Judas, mi enemigo”; “Dios y las carreras universitarias” y el best seller: “ Las 10 mejores oraciones antes de un examen”
Por las noches: “¿quieren venir a mi casa a rezar?…dale copado!!!!”
Queridos estudiantes, que ven solo la realidad de su propio mundo.
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LOS ESTUDIANTES DE LA UADE:
Se levantan, toman café (negro…como la situación de sus futuros empleados) mientras leen la sección negocios del diario, miran el reloj, se ajustan la corbata, agarran el portafolio… y salen (en auto, obvio),
En el viaje escuchan radio Mitre, y contemplan los espacios verdes de la ciudad pensando: ¿que se podría construir acá? Al llegar, se dirigen a sus aulas, se sientan siempre en los mismos asientos porque “ya están comprados”… Recreo: no tienen……
Entre sus materias obligatorias se encuentran: Uso y Abuso del Comercio, Cómo romperles el culo a tus competidores, Lenguaje del Manipuleo II y Quiero tener mi propio Monopolio..
Las cátedras a elegir están entre la del profesor Bill Cates (ojo, no confundir con Bill Gates) y William Texploto.
Sus amigos? Sus socios hasta que la quiebra demuestre lo contrario.
Libros mas comprados: “marketing y como engañar a mis compradores”
Y de noche: “Vendamos bebidas adulteradas en la vía publica?????….dale buenísimo de paso cagamos al Quiosquero!!!!”

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LOS ESTUDIANTES DE San Andrés:

No se levantan, los levanta el mayordomo, con café italiano y biskits (porque no son galletitas, son biskits, ok?), hotcakes… etc.
Parten para la “facu, gordi” en la limousine de papi y el chofer de papi.
Si se les hace tarde simplemente usan el jet de papi. Llegan a las clases con el movicom en una mano, la agenda personal en otra, y la palm pilot en un bolsillo… si no tienen mas manos le dicen al chofer que les lleve todo hasta el aula.
Dentro del aula, charlan del “finde” en Vermont, del nuevo look del perro de Tomy, de lo cool que estuvo ir a navegar, o de lo bien que la pasaron en la estancia de Harry, los chicos hablan del partido de polo del domingo, porque football…no ven, es re grasssssssaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!.
Las chicas charlan de lo preocupadas que están por sus agendas completas entre turnos e coiffeurs, manicura…
Entre sus materias se encuentran: como tomar los cubiertos en una cena de gala, aprender a chatear educadamente I y II , dos veces por semana el seminario “Mis padres, yo y la distancia en la mesa” y hacen pasantías en solariums (siempre quemados después de cualquier vacación o fin de semana largo).
Amigos…solo en las buenas y mientras tu papá siga siendo el dueño de la mitad del país.
Libros: Vogue, Cosmopolitan y estar suscriptos a la nacional geographic queda bien en la biblioteca de papi.
En los recreos: toman sol, agua mineral y hacen gimnasia o corren alrededor del helipuerto.
In the night: “salgamos en el mercedes a la fiesta de la facu?…no gordi es re grasa!!! mejor saco el BMW y vamos a pilar…”

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UBA

Desayuno, no. no hay presupuesto.A la facultad en tren y sin pagar el boleto… no hay presupuesto
Si sos de filosofia: un porrito en la estación es re nutritivo
Si sos de sociales: “uhhhh, ahí hay un poste limpio le pego un cartel.”
Los de medicina: no viven, solo estudian…
Los de Ingeniería: se la pasan de simulacro de derrumbe…no vaya a ser cosa que los agarre desprevenidos
Clases… hay (de vez en cuando)si no llueve, si no hay paro, si no hace mucho frió, si no hace mucho calor y si al profesor no le duele nada…
Recreo? Que es eso?Conversaciones con los compañeros (a los que nunca vimos antes ni volveremos a ver) en los 30 minutos que tarda el profesor en llegar a clase. Amigos: el quiosquero del tercer piso y el flaco de las fotocopias.
Libros: “ el che era Argentino”, “los 200105 de formularios de inscripciones, “el cbc, un caso perdido?”,”Donde esta el aula 2245?” y “Como no volverte loco el primer día de clases”
Por la noche: “Venite con el mate mostro…yo pago la yerba esta semana”.

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UP

Los estudiantes de la UP….(bueno digamos estudiantes, seamos buenos, que la mayoría compre el titulo no quiere decir que no estudien!!!! No?)Se levantan, no toman el desayuno, porque si no que les queda por hacer en la facultad? Agarran la tarjeta de crédito, porque en el piso 2 del edificio de Zavalla, abrieron un minishopping, re copado!!!
Parciales? A convenir con el profesor…o sino, nunca, total….
Utiles imprescindibles: movicom en mano (siempre prendido, por las dudas que hay algo importante que requiera mi presencia, como por ejemplo: el nuevo corte de pelo de mi mejor amiga que acaba de salir de la peluquería)
Libros:…que es eso?

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ITBA

Los estudiantes de Itba (llamemoslos asi porque no se debe tratar a la gente de tragas o superdotados, no hay que prejuzgar), se levantan en la mañana desayunan un riquísimo libro!!
Toman sus libros no menos de 10 por día), parten a la facultad…estudiando el camino.
En las clases estudian cada movimiento del profesor…cada palabra y gesto.. si pasa una mosca también la estudian.
Recreos : se juntan en la sala de competencias: la mas in es “QUIEN TIENE LA MEJOR CALCULADORA”
Los libros mas leídos: Todos ….
Shopping: a todo por dos pesos, a ver que librito barato encuentran… En sus tiempos libres: entran a internet y navegan por amazon.
Su Hobby: subrayar el libro y saltarse una pagina!!! (Que divertido!) En la noche: “que tal si nos juntamos a leer!!!! que bárbaro”

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CoMo Se DiFeReNcIaN lAs DiStInTaS uNiVeRsIdAdEs SeGuN sUs LeTrErOs SoBrE eL cUiDaDo Del CeSpEd

Universidad de Belgrano: Ay, gordi, porfa no pises el pasto, ¿tsí?

Universidad de San Andrés: Favor de no aterrizar sus jets privados sobre el césped

Universidad Católica Argentina: No pisen el césped, por el amor de Dios

UADE: Si encuentran pasto, avisen, así construimos ahí otro edificio.

ORT: Por favor, no pisar pasto que despois se gaista!

UTN: Favor de no comerse el pasto

Universidad del Salvador: Si usted pisó el pasto, haga el favor de pagar en caja, gracias.

UBA — Traductorado en Inglés: Keep off the grass
UBA — Derecho: No pisar el césped, Ley 8977, Ordenanza 13667
UBA — CBC: Favor de no robarse ni fumarse el pasto.

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COSAS QUE HAY QUE EVITAR DECIRLE A UN UNIVERSITARIO!!!

‘No te preocupes, seguro que la proxima aprobas!’
Sabemos que no es verdad, saben que no es verdad.¿POR QUE MIERDA LO DICEN?.Es un insulto a nuestro estado emocional tratar de animarnos con semejante frase falsa. La unica respuesta digna seria ‘Anda a cagar, pelotudo!’, pero como somos educados y estamos hundidos en la mierda respondemos con un timido ‘Si, claro, la proxima seguro me va bien’. Es mejor que se queden en silencio, no se preocupen, sabemos que no nos entienden, asi que no hace falta que se esfuercen porque va a ser peor.

-’¿Como te fue en el parcial?’
MAL, me fue MAL, asqueroso revuelve heridas. Obviamente todo el tiempo que perdi estudiando no evita que me culeen cruelmente? ¿Para que preguntas?. ¿Para disfrutar de mi miseria? ¿Para decir ‘No te preocupes, ¿seguro que la proxima te va bien!?’. No se pregunta, lo unico que puede ayudarnos a salir del agujero es plata, chocolate o un kilo de helado. Si no estas dispuesto a ofrecernos nada de eso, mantenete alejado y no te regodees en nuestro infortunio.
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¿Pero no terminaste la carrera todavia?
A ver, grandisimo hijo de puta, cuando terminemos la carrera te vas a enterar, el mundo se va a enterar. Nos vamos a poner nicks en el Messenger con tantos emoticones felices que te van a doler los ojos, lo vamos a publicar en el diario, vamos a hacer una fiesta, definitivamente TE VAS A ENTERAR. Asi que no nos preguntes si no terminamos la carrera cuando la respuesta es obviamente no. Eso no hace mas que darnos mas ganas de suicidarnos o de estudiar jardineria, o decorado de huevos de pascua.

‘Pero, ¿tan dificil es?’
No, para nada. Es una joda. Yo es que disfruto hipotecandome medio pulmon para pagar los apuntes, libros y guias, dejando que me metan palos por el orto en forma de examenes y finales todos los años. CLARO QUE ES DIFiCIL. Es tan difïcil que tu mente pagana es incapaz decomprender los niveles de dificultad y abstraccion absurda a los que puede llegar un cerebro humano. No respondo de mi si otra persona pone en duda la dificultad de una carrera, sea cual sea, hasta filosofïa tendrïa su dificultad, porque para estar todo el dïa en la cantina o ir dados vuelta, debe ser porque de continuo, o en un estado normal, las clases no son soportables.

-’El hijo de Fulanita hizo la carrera en 4 años!’
BIEN POR EL HIJO DE FULANITA. Tiremosle papel picado y bailemosle alrededor. Tambien hay gente que no la termina nunca, y no vemos a nuestros engendradores diciendonos cada dïa ‘Que orgulloso estoy de vos, hijo, que todavïa no te diste cuenta de que no vales para esto y seguis estudiando, aunque pierdas el tiempo’. Nada de comparaciones, porque entonces podemos hablar de ese compañero nuestro que termino, como pasatiempo nomas, lo que sea que mierda estudies, mientras cursaba SU carrera y le iba espectacular. A ver quien humilla mas a quien.

‘¿Por que año vas?’
¿¿Silencio incomodo?? Deci algo, bastardo, vos preguntaste- ¿Tu objetivo era reirte de nosotros y jactarte de que estas estudiando no se que mierda y estas cansado de seguir perfecto el programa de materias, y encima das libres y te adelantas?. Porque no falla, el silencio incomodo siempre se rompe con-
‘¿Pero cuantos años vas en la carrera?’.
LOS QUE SEAN, INFELIZ. Los suficientes para saber que tuviejo y tu vieja eran hermanos con solo mirarte a la cara. Y que sepas que cada año es como un horrible infierno en el que te clavan cristales en el corazon y te arrancan las uñas con tenazas? ïY AGUANTO AHI PORQUE ME GUSTA!. Asï que no te atrevas a juzgarme.- Lo que estudio tambien es muy difïcil. Solo tendrias que estudiar mas’Oh, sï, tu examen de Meterse Un Dedo En El Culo y Olerlo supera con creces el temario de materias como: ‘Metodos Numericos para los Fluidos dinamicos de Alta Densidad de Energia’ (IngenieriaQuimica), Citologia’ (Medicina), ‘Derecho Romano’ (Derecho), ‘Bioquïmica Avanzada de la Regulacion Metabolica’ ( Biologïa ) o ‘Tipos Abstractos de Datos’ (Ingenierïa Informatica). Es que es muy duro que te hagan examenes en donde te sacan temas y te hacen promedios…Puf! Que complicado lo tuyo, ¿eh?. Apenas deja tiempo para rascarse las pelotas. Sera eso, que no estudio; los examenes de cuatro horas, los programas imposibles de los que ni los profesores tienen puta idea o las preguntas trampa para cagarte son meras distracciones de la verdadera realidad: ESTUDIANDO SE APRUEBA, se se!

‘Ay, NO!!! tengo que cursar como 8 horas por semana!!!’
QUE REVERENDISIMO HIJO DE PUTA!!! Yo le agradecezco a los dioses que no paso las 30 horas y vos te quejas por unas 8 miserables y rotosas horas!!! De las cuales 4 son ‘Tiempo hasta que llega el profesor’,’Receso porque estamos todos muuy estresados’, ‘Mirarle las tetas a la de al lado’ y ‘Me voy a tomar un cafe y vuelvo’ Veni y decime que estas cansado, y no respondo de mi. Te lo advierto.- ¿Eso..?lo que? Que era que estudiabas?’ Seguida de respuesta tuya con cara poco feliz, seguida de un : ‘Aaahhh. Cierto’. Con la subsiguiente cara ya conocida de -WTF?? ? . Porque si salïs de Medicina, Abogacia, o como mucho Arquitectura, son todas carreras bizarras, extraïdas y de aplicacion desconocida.

¿Ah, que lindo, pero de que seria que vas a trabajar?’
Y NO SE! de lo que estudie capaz? No, mejor me meto en un McDonalsKosher y te explico Genetica de Poblaciones mientras te agrando el combo y te preparo un conito de vainilla. IMBECIL.

Bueno, esto es todo. Como es una guïa basica no incluimos frases tambien muy celebres como ‘El profesor no debe ser tan jodido como pensas’, porque entonces no terminamos hasta mañana? Que quede claro:LAS CARRERAS SON JODIDAS, NO ROMPAN LAS PELOTAS Y DEJENOS EN PAZ!!!

21.11.07 | Las personas que hacen zapping descendente, quedaron prendadas de un amor.

07.11.07 | Las mujeres que usan minifalda de jean, son un parque de diversiones.

17.10.07 | Las mujeres que al arrojar un papel al cesto lo hacen un bollito, suelen tener sueños eróticos.

10.10.07 | Las mujeres que usan cinturones anchos, son “veinteuñeras”.

02.10.07 | Las personas que escriben “n” por “ñ”, son haraganes.

26.09.07 | Las mujeres que se comen las uñas, no tragan.

19.09.07 | Las personas que comen el flan sin nada, son de gas facil.

12.09.07 | Los hombres que eligen el chocolate blanco, son paleteros.

05.09.07 | Los hombres que usan afeitadora eléctrica, decepcionan en la cama.

29.08.07 | Las personas que sacan la chapita de la lata, gustan observarse mientras hacen el amor.

15.08.07 | Las mujeres que compran cubrecamas floreados, consideran que sus parejas son salames.

08.08.07 | Las mujeres que usan botas con flecos, destruyen amores.

01.08.07 | Las personas que piden de postre queso y dulce, son perdedoras.

18.07.07 | Las mujeres que enrollan el boleto y lo ponen en su anillo, suelen tener sueños húmedos.

11.07.07 | Las personas ue hablan con apócopes, son lambeteadoras.

04.07.07 | Las personas que bailan salsa, adoran el sexo de parado.

27.06.07 | Las mujeres que usan gorras o sombreros, son aspirantes a actriz porno.

20.06.07 | Las personas que suben o bajas las escaleras mecánicas caminando, son chanchitas.

13.06.07 | Las personas que pelan la fruta, no aguantan más de 4 días sin sexo.

06.06.07 | Las personas que consumen alimentos sin sacar el envoltorio, son promiscuas.

30.05.07 | Las mujeres que piden un “sorbete” son consumidoras de material pornográfico.

23.05.07 | Las mujeres que duermen sin corpiño son multiposicionales.

16.05.07 | Los hombres que dicen su celular “cientocincuenta y algo” en vez de “quince cinco”, tienen el esfínter juguetón.

09.05.07 | Las mujeres que usan botas hasta la rodilla, prefieren el pene chico.

02.05.07 | Las mujeres que dejan ver sus orejas, están pidiendo 69.

25.04.07 | Las mujeres que se rien “jejeje” en el MSN, son degeneradas potenciales.

18.04.07 | Las personas que hablan en dólares, son partuzeras.

11.04.07 | Las mujeres que tienen hermano mayor, son de pete largo.

04.04.07 | Las mujeres que se agarran con ambas manos del pasamanos superior, no arrugan.

28.03.07 | Las mujeres que eligen el órden del gusto del helado, son infieles.

21.03.07 | Las personas que condimentan la ensalada colocando primero el aceite, carecen de fantasías.

14.03.07 | Las mujeres que atajan un objeto con las manos, tienen tendencia al lesbianismo.

07.03.07 | Las mujeres que usan bombachas de colores, adoran el sexo manual.

Máximas HC 2006

20.12.06
Las personas que regalan velas, tienen sexo siempre en la misma posición.

13.12.06
Las mujeres que se bañan de noche, esconden una atorranta.

06.12.06
Las mujeres que juegan al voley playero, acaban fácil.

29.11.06
A los hombres que se tiñen el pelo, les gusta ser sodomizados.

22.11.06
Las mujeres que juntan la plata, están pidiendo un trío.

15.11.06
Los hombres que reparten cartas de abajo, son come trabas.

01.11.06
Las mujeres que sacan antes las cosas del microondas son peteras de auto.

25.10.06
A las mujeres que piden probar el helado del hombre, siempre les duele algo. 18.10.06 que reconocen los autos son trepadoras.

11.10.06
Los hombres que toman agua tónica tienen tendencias gerontofílicas.

04.10.06
Las mujeres que cierran con una gomita los paquetes de galletitas una vez abiertos, acaban una sola vez.

27.09.06
Las mujeres que tienen más de tres llaves en su llavero están produndamente ligadas a una relación pasada.

13.09.06
Los hombres que se llaman igual que sus padres tienen un violador adentro.

06.09.06
Las personas que no comen la primera rebanada del pan lactal son hipersensibles.

23.08.06
Las personas que usan botamangas hacia afuera son inmaduras.

16.08.06
Los hombres que no se bajan del auto para cargar nafta engañan a su mujer.

09.08.06
Las mujeres que usan aritos de perlas son sexualmente amargas.

02.08.06
Las mujeres que usan piercing en el ombligo la tienen ceñida.

26.07.06
Los hombres que chiflan sin dedos son piratas.

19.07.06
Las mujeres que usan la tira de la cartera entre sus pechos son salvajes.

31.05.06
Las mujeres que dejan el cajón de sus ropas íntimas semiabierto están pensando en ser infieles.

24.05.06
Los hombres que usan cadenita acaban rápido.

17.05.06
Las mujeres que usan cadenitas largas son strippers en la intimidad. (se considera cadenita larga cuando el final del dije supera el inicio de los senos).

10.05.06
Los hombres que usan remeras con inscripciones en italiano tienen complejo de tenerla chica.

03.05.06
Las personas que escriben sus mails totalmente en mayúsculas son buchones.

26.04.06
Los hombres que agregan papas a la hamburguesa son atolondrados.

19.04.06
Toda persona que se dirige a su pareja con un seudónimo terminado en “i” la quiere cambiar.

12.04.06
Las mujeres que usan corpiño con aro exigen acabar primero.

05.04.06
Todo hombre que toma te con el saquito adentro es tramposo.

29.03.06
Las mujeres que pueden “pulserear” la muñeca contraria tienen vagina angosta.

22.03.06
Las mujeres con uñas esculpidas desean ser fotografiadas sin ropa.

15.03.06
A las mujeres de más de 1,70 les gusta someter a su pareja.

08.03.06
Las mujeres que no flexionan las rodillas al agacharse abren con gusto la puerta trasera.

01.03.06
Las mujeres que usan el reloj en la muñeca derecha son fanáticas del 69.

Máximas HC 2005

28.12.05
Los hombres que gastan más de 57 pesos en pirotecnia tienen más de una mujer.

14.12.05
A los hombres que no comen el cucurucho del helado les gusta el beso “copo de nieve”.

30/11/05
Las mujeres que usan musculosa blanca quieren guerra.

23/11/05
Las mujeres que toman mate amargo son sexualmente creativas.

09/11/05
Las personas que se bajan de un transporte público con las llaves en la mano no usan bidet.

01/11/05
Las mujeres que no tuvieron fiesta de 15 años se acuestan en la primera noche.

26/10/05
Las mujeres que estacionan bien de culata les pinta el lesbianismo.

19/10/05
Las mujeres que no usan reloj, no tragan.

12/10/05
Los hombres que se limpian el pene después de orinar dejan insatisfechas a las mujeres.

05/10/05
Las mujeres que se despiden con “chau chau” son sexualmente frenéticas.

28/09/05
Las mujeres que cuelgan las bombachas en el baño están buscando sexo del bueno.

21/09/05
Las mujeres de los hombres que llevan el pullover sobre los hombres tienen dos caras.

14/09/05
Los hombres que tienen autos de 3 puertas son putañeros.

07/09/05
Las mujeres que en la primera cita, piden cerveza, son gauchitas.

31/08/05
Las mujeres que se llaman María, pero utilizan su segundo nombre, son profesionales del mamahuevo.

24/08/05
A las mujeres que consumen pochoclo salado le gustan los chirlos.

17/08/05
Las personas que en el colectivo retiran el vuelto antes que el boleto están faltas de sexo.

10/08/05
Las mujeres que llaman ye a la y (griega) son multiorgásmicas.

03/08/05
Las mujeres que apretan el pomo del dentífrico del medio hacia adelante fantasean con tríos sexuales.

27/07/05
Las personas que compran golosinas al alquilar una película no aman a sus parejas.

20/07/05
Las mujeres que hacen globito con el chicle son sexualmente pedigüeñas.

13/07/05
Los hombres que gritan un gol seguido de insulto no satisfacen a sus parejas…

06/07/05
Las mujeres que toman vino con agua sin gas utilizan lenguaje sucio en la cama.

21/06/05
Los hombres que cortan los tallarines son infieles.

15/06/05
Los hombres que utilizan anteojos de sol como vincha son pornoadictos.

08/06/05
Las mujeres que utilizan piercing en ceja, nariz o labio adoran que les eyaculen en la cara.

01/06/05
Las mujeres que tienen más de 9 imanes pegados en la heladera están buscando un amante.

18/05/05
Las mujeres que usan boina conquistan hombres como trofeos.

11/05/05
Las mujeres que muerden el capuchón de las lapiceras son pésimas peteras.

04/05/05
Los hombres que no le agregan queso rallado a las pastas son nenes de mamá.

27/04/05
Las mujeres que se depilan la zona pélvica disfrutan de la doble penetración.

20/04/05
Las personas que colocan el rollo de papel higiénico al revés esconden un enorme secreto.

13/04/05
Las mujeres que tienen más de un aro en las orejas tienen orgasmos explosivos.

06/04/05
Las mujeres que se pintan las uñas de negro adoran el sexo grupal.

30/03/05
Las personas que pegan stickers en sus celulares son miserables.

23/03/05
Las personas que comen las empanadas con cubiertos se masturban compulsivamente.

16/03/05
A las mujeres que usan calzas debajo de la pollera les cabe la onda bisexual.

09/03/05
Las mujeres que usan más de un anillo en un mismo dedo sufren de insatisfacción sexual.

02/03/05
Las mujeres que dejan entrever su bombacha solo acaban cuando están arriba.

Máximas HC | 2003–2004

Todo hombre que usa barba candado es garca.

Toda mujer que usa el pelo corto es tortillera.

Todo hombre que usa bigote es putañero.

Todo hombre que usa anillos en las manos (salvo alianza) es garca.

Todo hombre que lleva su celular en la cintura es un pobre tipo.

Todo hombre que usa camisa de manga corta dentro del pantalón se cree más de lo que es (si usan la camisa adentro del lado de adelante y afuera de atrás, también son pelotudos).

Los hombres que usan el reloj en su mano derecha son traidores.

Todo hombre que usa aditivos en el pelo (gel, tintura, gomina, spray, etc.) es un pervertido.

Toda mujer que va al gimnasio le es infiel a su pareja.

Toda mujer que fuma y toma mate es petera.

Si una mujer usa la pollera ajustada tiene la cola golosa.

Toda mujer que tiene las uñas largas (más de 1 cm. desde la terminación del dedo) es conflictiva (y vueltera gralmente.).

Toda persona que fue al colegio en el turno tarde es algo menos inteligente que los demás (bobos).

Todo hombre que pide helados de gustos no cremosos es pusilánime (pobre tipo).

Todo hombre que escucha cumbia fuera de alguna fiesta (tiene CD´s en su casa, por ejemplo) alguna vez se comió un travesti (o se lo está por comer).

Todo hombre que le lleva flores a su novia en el día de la primavera es infiel.

Toda mujer que pide daikiri de frutilla es fácil o directamente una trola.

Las mujeres levemente gorditas* son artesanalmente aplicadas en el sexo.
*coeficiente para averiguar si una mujer es o no “gordita”: Peso/Altura = X

Si la respuesta (X) es un número mayor a 32, la mujer entra en la categoría “gordita” (levemente, al menos).

Las mujeres que usan una pulserita en el pie (tobillo gralmente.) disgustan del sexo anal.

Los hombres que tiene sus iniciales en la ropa son desdichados.

Las mujeres vegetarianas cogen mal.

Toda mujer que come golosinas en un transporte público, en un viaje menor a 30 minutos está desesperada por sexo.

Toda persona que llama a alguien por su apócope ni bien lo conoce no es de fiar.

Toda persona que le dice capo, negro, negrito, etc. a alguien ni bien lo conoce es garca.

Todo hombre que lava su propio auto los fines de semana en la puerta de su casa es cornudo.

Todo hombre que posee más de cinco calcomanías en la luneta del auto tiene tendencia a la homosexualidad.

Todo hombre que consume revistas de caza y pesca, camping, etc. (weekend, aire libre, etc.) es cornudo.

Todo hombre que aprieta la nuca al saludar (al dar un apretón de manos) es garca.

Toda persona que posee un perro pequeño (altura menor a la de las rodillas) tiene problemas en la cama.

Toda mujer que cambia los muebles de lugar a menudo sin razón aparente está insatisfecha sexualmente.

Todo hombre que cuelga boludeces en el espejo retrovisor (no rosarios ni cintas rojas) no llega al segundo polvo.

Todo hombre que tiene fotos de sus familiares sobre el escritorio (a menos que el portarretratos sea de corcho) le es infiel a su mujer.

En toda pareja en la que hombre y mujer caminan tomados de la mano el hombre es un “sí querida” (dominado).

Todo hombre que va a la cancha más de dos veces por mes (sigue a su equipo) es cornudo.

Toda mujer que utiliza diminutivos constantemente al hablar con una persona está regalada.

Toda mujer hija de padres que se separaron antes de que ella cumpliera 6 años es fácil.

Las mujeres que se pintan la cara y/o se ponen la camiseta de la selección en partidos importantes (gralmente en mundiales) son histéricas.

Toda mujer que usa más de dos anillos (en las manos) es insaciable, adicta al sexo.

Todo hombre que anda en el auto con las ventanillas bajas y la música a todo volúmen tiene el pene corto.

Toda mujer que maneja su propio auto es peligrosa.(más de tres puertas)

Las mujeres que cambian abruptamente de corte o color de pelo quieren cambiar de pareja.

Las personas con mal aliento son trepadoras.

Toda persona que le pone boludeces al mate (cáscaras de naranja o limón, jugo, etc.) está mal atendida.

Toda persona que el 24 ó 31 de diciembre toma un sorbo de su copa justo antes de brindar es garca.

Las mujeres que se hacen la colita (para atarse el pelo) por arriba de la línea de las orejas son excelentes peteras.

Todo hombre que se va de la cancha antes de finalizado el partido es pre-puto.

Todo hombre que acompaña a su pareja hasta la parada de colectivo y la espera hasta que suba al vehículo es cornudo.

Toda persona que reenvía cadenas de mail es frustrada (sexual gralmente.).

Toda persona que pone guión bajo en su dirección de e-mail es conflictiva.

Todo hombre que se sienta del lado del pasillo en los asientos dobles de los colectivos teniendo otras opciones está necesitado de afecto.

Todo hombre que se peina con raya al costado (bien definida) es puñetero.

Toda mujer que acompaña a su hombre a practicar algún deporte (va a verlo) está a punto de engañarlo.

Todo hombre que tiene melodías como sonido de su celular no satisface a su pareja (sexualmente).

Las mujeres que cometen faltas de ortografía disgustan del sexo oral (ida o vuelta).

Todos los hombres que nunca se llevaron una materia son eyaculadores precoces.

Toda mujer que se maquilla en público es tramposa.

Todo automovilista cuyos asientos del auto son de bolitas son fracasados.

Las personas que coleccionan marquillas, latas, y cosas por demás inservibles son pobres tipos.

Toda mujer que da o envía besos onomatopeyicos fingen los orgasmos.

Todo hombre que toma bebidas light sin necesitarlas tiene la fantasia de ser penetrado.

Todo hombre que va al trabajo con pantalón corto, no se lo toma en serio (al trabajo).

Las personas que tienen la misma profesión que sus padres son patéticas (y si trabajan en el mismo lugar son inútiles).

Los que, en el día del amigo saludan al por mayor (por mail o teléfono y a más de 10, 12 personas) son fácilmente estafables.

Las mujeres que usan el paraguas roto, prefieren el sexo violento.

Las mujeres que fueron abanderadas en la secundaria, son descontroladas en la cama.

Los hombres que al terminar el dia laboral llaman a su mujer para avisar que ya se dirigen a su casa, son infieles esporádicamente.

Las personas que al terminar de revolver el café sacan el revolvedor y se lo pasan por la boca, viven del trabajo de otro.

Las personas que van a votar entre las 8 y las 12 del mediodia, son monótonos sexualmente.

Los hombres que tienen entradas en la cabeza, son pesebreros.

Los hombres que en baños públicos, teniendo mingitorios libres, deciden orinar en los inodoros son asiduos consumidores de travestis. (El inconsciente les está golpeando la puerta)

Las mujeres que manejan bien, solo llegan al orgasmo cuando se masturban.

Las personas que comen las aceitunas de la pizza, son fracasados.

Las personas que le ponen nombre de persona a sus perros, son drogones.

Las mujeres que consumen cigarrillos de atados de 10, entregan en la primera cita.

Las mujeres que tienen mas de 1 cm de raiz de distinto color,”son bebedoras” (tragan el semen).

Los gordos son resentidos.

Las mujeres que toman el sol en la terraza de su casa, son vividoras.

Las personas que toman una lagrima son desequilibradas.

Las mujeres que tienen el dedo indice del pie más largo que el gordo, son maliciosas.

Las mujeres que tienen tatuajes en el coxis, son gemidoras.

Los hombres que tienen la patilla hasta la comisura de la boca, son alcohólicos.

Las mujeres que tienen labios gruesos, son generosas en los juegos precoitales.

Las mujeres que bailan tango, les gusta la onda bisexual.

Las mujeres que escriben la i con un circulito en vez del clásico puntito, engañan a sus parejas.

Los hombres que retiran las cajas navideñas en la primera oportunidad que esta disponible, están faltos de sexo.

Las mujeres que usan anillo en el dedo pulgar, son fanáticos del sexo anal.

Los hombres que se pelean por descorchar en las fiestas, tienen mal sexo.

Las mujeres que usan bretel transparente, les gustan los “chiches”

Los hombres que se hacen llamar por su segundo nombre, son pocos viriles.

Los que dejan el borde de atrás de la pizza son garcas.

Las personas que toman cerveza sin espuma, son malcos.

Las mujeres que tienen un gato como mascota, fornican como los dioses.

Las mujeres que usan el celular colgado de la cintura, son come hombres.

Los hombres que renuncian a su trabajo, están necesitados sexualmente.

Todos los que tienen puff o fiacas en su casa son drogadictos.

Los que tienen una barbita debajo de los labios son depresivos.

Las personas que se lavan los dientes en el trabajo, son infieles.

Todas las personas que escriben los mails con vocales repetidas en el asunto (Ej: Holaaaaaaaa) no tienen actividad sexual.

Los narigones son degenerados.

Las mujeres que agrandan el combo son fanáticas del sexo anal.

Todos los hombres que usan camisa con el tercer botón desabrochado son golpeadores.

Las mujeres que usan purpurina son perversas.

Las mujeres que tienen las uñas cortas poseen un irrefrenable vicio de masturbación.

Las personas que piden la carne jugosa son desdichadas.

Las mujeres que utilizan sweaters de cuello alto y cadenita por fuera son inaccesibles.

Los hombres que después de orinar no se lavan las manos son adulteros.

Las personas que no usan ropa interior son inconstantes.

Las mujeres que sacan chocolate de la máquina de café tienen una conducta sexual desenfrenada.

Las personas que se limpian con bollito son infelices.

Las mujeres que consumen sahumerios son manipuladoras.

Las mujeres que se quitan el calzado en lugares públicos toman la iniciativa en la cama.

Los hombres que consumen tragos exóticos son eyaculadores precoces.

Todas las mujeres que viven en contrafrente o departamento interno son ninfómanas.

Los hombres que escuchan música clásica son cornudos.

Las mujeres que alquilan películas protagonizadas por mujeres son calientapavas.

Las personas que dicen setiembre (sin p) no se preocupan por el goce sexual de su pareja.

Las personas que cuando salen del cine hablan por teléfono celular son trastornadas.

Cuando una mujer va a una cita con pollera corta va dispuesta a tener sexo.

Las personas que le ponen nombre a sus autos son malaleche.

Las mujeres de pie pequeño son peteras egoístas.

Los hombres que utilizan billetera en el bolsillo izquierdo del pantalón son sadomasoquistas.

Las mujeres que no usan aro son turras.

Los hombres que firman con un garabato tienen el pene infantil.

Las personas que dicen “pedí tres deseos” antes de soplar las velitas prefieren el sexo gerenciado.

Las mujeres que llenan la botellita de agua del dispenser son amantes del perrito violento.

Las personas que se comen o chupan el hielo desean que les practiquen el beso negro.

Las mujeres que manejan el stereo del auto de sus parejas son pérfidas.

Las mujeres que utilizan desodorante “rolon” o a bolita se mojan fácilmente.

Los hombres que utilizan camisa de manga corta y corbata tienen sexo fulero.

Las mujeres que usan pulsera rígida son argolludas.

Cuando en 1924, Iósif Vissariónovich Dzhugashvili –el sanguinario déspota soviético más conocido como Stalin– fue designado secretario general del partido, se propuso un objetivo delirante: acumular poder y someter al pueblo ruso por medio del terror.

Desde el principio comprendió que el gran obstáculo para su proyecto de megalomanía iban a ser los campesinos de “las tierras negras de Ucrania”, una de las más feraces planicies del mundo junto con “la pampa argentina”.

Viajeros de la época testimoniaban: “He atravesado Ucrania y descubierto una maravilla: es un inmenso jardín agrícola en pleno rendimiento y de una belleza natural inenarrable, las parcelas de tierra están admirablemente irrigadas y cultivadas con cosechas que la paleta del mejor pintor no podría repetir” (1).

Las razones del odio de Stalin fueron explicables. Los kulaks o pequeños campesinos propietarios de la tierra eran personas independientes. Quien tiene una propiedad y puede explotarla para conseguir una renta se aferra a la tierra porque obtiene independencia económica y sólo con ella adquiere libertad política para no someterse a los caprichos del déspota de turno.

En consecuencia, decidió aplastarlos y “liquidarlos como clase social” mediante la expoliación de la producción rural y la obligación legal de seguir sembrando para asegurar la alimentación, a bajo costo, de los trabajadores de la industria pesada y los soldados del ejército rojo. Con la picardía propia de un “agitprop” (activista político que nunca se había ganado la vida trabajando), Stalin no quiso expropiar la propiedad sino quedarse con la renta agraria, de manera que podía convertirlos en siervos de la gleba.

Pero, los campesinos rusos que explotaban la tierra de sus ancestros se resistieron a verse denigrados y despojados del fruto de su trabajo. Se opusieron tenazmente a entregarles el ganado y el cereal de sus campos. Organizaron la resistencia, escondieron las cosechas en silos subterráneos protegidos con telas embreadas con alquitrán y bloquearon los caminos para evitar el saqueo de sus productos.

Ello enfureció al déspota Stalin quien decidió recurrir a la fuerza bruta y desencadenó una violenta campaña propagandística contra el campo acusándolos de egoístas, ricos oligarcas, subversivos y enemigos del pueblo soviético. No pudo enviar al ejército rojo para reprimirlos porque estaban dispersos en una multitud de pequeños lugares y el ejército se agotaría en una infinita serie de minúsculas batallas. Entonces organizó fuerzas de choque compuestas por milicias dirigidas por comisarios políticos. Pero además dispuso matarlos de hambre. Comenzó por acusarlos de violar una ley absurda que establecía como delitos graves: a) suministrar datos falsos en las declaraciones juradas, b) vender clandestinamente los cereales y oleaginosas, c) consumir en forma particular el propio ganado, d) resistir la entrega de la producción al Estado y e) negarse a sembrar o cosechar los productos exigidos por el gobierno.

Las medidas fueron en aumento. Requisó toda la producción agrícola y el ganado alegando que no aseguraban el abastecimiento de las poblaciones urbanas.

En un documentado libro (2) pueden verse centenares de fotografías escalofriantes (de 1932 a 1933) donde casi diez millones de personas fueron deportadas a campos de concentración en Siberia, en los que perecieron una tercera parte. Enfrentados a la propaganda soviética y a la irracional batalla, muchos kulaks se rebelaron incluso matando a las autoridades políticas locales. Pero el éxito de los agricultores fue breve. El ejército rojo comandado por comisarios políticos fue enviado a ahogar la rebelión agraria. La policía secreta GPU inició una campaña de terror para abatir el ánimo de los rebeldes. Cuando los propios dirigentes locales del partido comunista pidieron a Stalin un poco de clemencia, éste les respondió ordenando exterminar a esos dirigentes con la pena de fusilamiento y convirtió a Ucrania en un inmenso campo de concentración.

La policía secreta Checa -luego GPU- más las brigadas de choque enviadas desde Moscú aterrorizaron a los campesinos haciendo inspecciones aleatorias en los campos y requisando todo cereal o ganado que encontrasen, considerados ahora propiedad sagrada del Estado soviético.

Los milicianos que atacaban a los campesinos constituían el “lumpen proletariat” y eran reclutados entre los miserables de las ciudades y los komsomoles soviéticos.

Una famosa ley promulgada el 7 de agosto de 1932 establecía la condena de 10 años en campos de concentración a menores de edad o la pena de muerte para los adultos, por cualquier ocultamiento, robo o disposición de la producción socialista. Se la conoció como la “ley de la espiga” porque las personas eran condenadas a muerte por haber consumido espigas de trigo o de cebada de sus propios campos. Cualquier productor rural que carneara un cerdo de su propiedad para alimentar a su familia era ajusticiado inmediatamente.

El efecto no podía ser otro que un abandono masivo de las explotaciones rurales y una hambruna extendida por todo el país entre 1932 y 1933. Millones de personas murieron porque no había comida. Las fotografías de la época muestran a miles de niños con aspecto esquelético y el abdomen hinchado, sin fuerzas para caminar. Las madres rusas (3) abandonaban a sus hijos en los vagones de trenes que iban hacia Moscú, Kiev, Stalingrado y Leningrado con la esperanza de que alguien pudiera cuidarlos y darles comida.

Aquellos adultos que tenían el vientre hinchado por el hambre eran transportados en trenes de mercancías hacia el campo y abandonados a cincuenta kilómetros de las ciudades de manera que se murieran sin que se los viera. A la llegada en los lugares de descarga, los milicianos excavaban grandes fosas y tiraban los muertos de los vagones.

Los ucranianos tuvieron que comer raíces, perros, gatos, ratas, pájaros y albóndigas de papel de diario hechas digeribles con levadura de cerveza. Incluso se dieron casos de canibalismo que provocaron la sanción de una ley inédita que prohibía a los adultos comerse a los niños o a mayores vivos. Diariamente perecían 25 mil personas. Los países civilizados de occidente, horrorizados, pretendieron enviar una ayuda humanitaria, pero el sanguinario déspota de Stalin confiscó las cargas de alimentos y las destinó a la clase dirigente.

En dos años las unidades productivas del campo se redujeron a la mitad y tanto la agricultura como la lechería, ganadería y producciones regionales se hundieron en un profundo marasmo. La expropiación de las mejores tierras de Ucrania y Rusia produjo inmensas pérdidas, pero la locura de Salín hizo proseguir el exterminio sin la menor piedad y terminó liquidando la clase de campesinos propietarios, instaurando los koljoses o sea colectivizando la tierra a cargo de secuaces designados por el gobierno. La industria -que nunca había sido solidaria con el campo- comenzó a desarrollarse sobre su cadáver y destinó su producción a fabricar armamentos, aviones y blindados para las fuerzas armadas.

En los archivos presidenciales de Stalin, recientemente abiertos al público, existe el testimonio del comisario político Mijaíl Shólojov (clasificado con el nº 45–1/827–7–22) donde informa al déspota: “Camarada Stalin. En el mes de diciembre aceleramos la campaña y dispusimos: 1º requisar los cereales que tenían en los graneros, incluido el anticipo entregado para simiente de la próxima cosecha 2º como los campesinos enterraban el trigo y el girasol en silos subterráneos dispusimos aplicarles dos tipos de penas: el método del frío y el del calor. 3º El método del frío consiste en desnudar al productor en pleno invierno y ponerlo al fresco en hangares. A menudo lo hemos hecho con grupos de centenares de kulaks. 4º El método del calor consiste en rociarles los pies y las faldas con keroseno y prenderles fuego, después se apaga y se vuelve a empezar. 5º Una variante la hicimos en el koljoz de Napolovski, un tal Plotkin “plenipotenciario del comité local” obligó a los colonos interrogados a tenderse sobre una placa calentada al rojo vivo, después los descalentábamos encerrándolos desnudos en el hangar. 6º En el koljoz Lebyazhenski pusimos a los campesinos a lo largo de un muro y simulamos una ejecución. Así y todo el resultado no fue muy bueno”.

La respuesta de Stalìn, fechada el 6 de mayo de 1933 de puño y letra, no es menos estremecedora:”Querido Camarada Shólojov. Esta es una cuestión verdaderamente política y por eso hay que saber ver el otro lado de la realidad. Y ese otro aspecto es que los respetados trabajadores rurales de su distrito están en huelga y llevan a cabo un sabotaje porque están dispuestos a desabastecer y dejar sin pan a los obreros y al Ejército Rojo. El hecho de que este sabotaje sea silencioso, y en apariencia pacífico, no cambia en absoluto el fondo del asunto y es que los respetados trabajadores están llevando a cabo una guerra de zapa contra el poder soviético y eso, querido camarada Shólojov, ésta es una guerra a muerte. Que siga usted bien. Le estrecha la mano. Suyo Iósif Stalin”. (Clasificado con el nº 3–61/549–194)

Esta pesadilla de terror sucedió hace 70 años, por obra y gracia de un sanguinario déspota que se autoproclamaba “progresista y proletario”. Finalmente, ese imperio del mal se derrumbó solo, sin que nadie lo atacara. La locura humana no tiene límites cuando quiere acumular poder y pretende poner de rodillas a todo el mundo. Sólo la muerte pone un piadoso final a tanta desolación. © www.economiaparatodos.com.ar

Antonio I. Margariti es economista y autor del libro “Impuestos y pobreza. Un cambio copernicano en el sistema impositivo para que todos podamos vivir dignamente”, editado por la Fundación Libertad de Rosario.

(1) F. Kupferman. “Au pays des Sovietes, Le voyage français en Union Soviétique”, Gallimard, París, 1939.
(2) Stéphane Courtuois y otros, traducido al español, “El libro negro del comunismo, crímenes, terror y represión” , Édit. Robert Laffont, París, 1997, Espasa-Calpe, Madrid, 1998.
(3) A. Graziosi. “Lettres de Kharkov, La famine en Ukraine à travers les rapports des diplomates italiens 1932–1934, Cahiers du Monde junio 1989.

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our
own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with
us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all
the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to
the nation, and especially to the people of the new country
of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the
slave states. We get stem cell research and the best
beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You
get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s
venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama . We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red
states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than
the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy
families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice
and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens
back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask
your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently
willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they
don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their
children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success
in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not
willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of
80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the
pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit,
95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve French
wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high
tech industry, most of the U. S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister
schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92% of all U. S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of
the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University
of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah
was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is
sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun
laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that
Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can
have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace,
Blue States

FRASE DEL 2000: “APAGA LA LUZ, ASI ESCUCHO MEJOR”
(Por Tata, frase inaudita, gabi ziblat piensa que apagando la luz de la carpa se escuchara el ruido de la lluvia)

CLASE DE DERECHO

“A LA HORA DE IRME, ME VOY” (ARIEL, amenzando)

“EL JUEZ ES LA BOCA DE LA LEY” (ARIEL Bocon)

“TODO LO SOLIDO SE DESVANECE EN EL AIRE” (ARIEL, mas solido q nunca)

“ TODOS SOMOS SUJETOS RACIONALES” (ARIEL, muestra su sabiduria)

“CADA UNO METE LA CABEZA EN DONDE PUEDE” (ARIEL Afirma)

“EL DELINCUENTE ES UN INVENTO DEL LEGISLADOR” (ARIEL sigue afirmando)

“¿PORQUE SE REIRAN TANTO DE MI???,” (ARI, MIRANDO A LA VENTANA)

“ME TIRO, NO ME TIRO, ME TIRO, NO ME TIRO” (ARI SIGUE MIRANDO LA VENTANA)

“DEBO PENSAR EN ALGO PARA Q MIS ALUMNOS NO SE RIAN DE MI, PERO COMO HAGO??” (ARI PASEANDO POR LA CANCHA DE HANDABLL)

CADA UNO ES EL GUARDIA DE SU HERMANO” (ARI, MAS GUARDIAN Q NUNCA)

“NO QUIERO QUE ME TENGAN MIEDO” (ARI, DEMASIADO SEGURO DE SI MISMO)

“EL DERECHO UNIVERSAL ANDA DANDO VUELTAS POR AHI” (ARI TAMBIEN DIVAGA)

“SI LE ARRANCO UN PELO A ALGUIEN, LO LESIONO” (ARIEL,, MUY LESIONADO PARA DECIR ESO)

“SI NO TE OCUPAS DE LAS COSAS MINUSCULAS, COMO TE VAS A OCUPAR DE LAS MAYUSCULAS” (ARI HACIENDO BUENA LETRA)

“LAMENTABLEMETE ME GUSTARIA SER MAS CHICO” (ARI RECUERDA SU INFANCIA)

“ME LAS TOMO” (ARIEL MAS DECIDIDO Q NUNCA A HACER LO Q SIEMPRE QUIZO Y NUNCA PUDO: RENUNCIAR

“SALUTE A LA HORA DE ESTORNUDAR” (ARI, MUY EDUCADO. A LAURA)

“ES UNA SOLUCIONTRANSACCIONAL: NO ME ESCUCHEN, NI HABLEN”. (ARI MUY EXACTO TOMANDO DESICIONES)

“LOS INVITO A SALIR, PARA NO DECIR, LOS RAJO, PARA NO DECIR TARJETA ROJA” (ARI MUESTRA COMO ALGUIEN DEBE SER EXPULSADO DE UNA CLASE)

CLASE DE HEBREO

“SI QUERES HACER DE PAYASO, EL CIRCO ESTA CERRADO (Iael amenaza a miguel)

“QUE QUERES QUE TE LO PONGA EN LA BOCA??” (Iael enojada con miguel)

CLASE DE LENGUA
“SALPICRÉ DE TEXTO” (NO SE ENTIENDE)

“CHANCHUSIOS DE LA EPOCA” (TAMPOCO SE ENTIENDE)

“HABIAN 2 DIOSAS TOP VIRGENES” (EXCELENTE DEFINICION)

“LOS AVANCES TECNOLOGICOS SON MUY RASCA”(ESTEMM….no se entiende)

CLASE DE FISICA

“LO QUE ESTA, NO SIGNIFICA Q SEGUIRA ESTANDO” (¿Podira haber sido del de derecho o no?)

“SI ESTAS APURADO, EMPEZA A APURARTE” (AMENAZA A LUIS)

FRASES ALTERNATIVAS

“EL LIMITE DEL DESEO ES LA MUERTE” (POR FABIAN SCHORNIK)

“LA DITANCIA ES UN MITO” (DIEGO SCHERMUK)

FRASES DE ALUMNOS

“NO PELEARSE NO SIGNIFICA QUE SEAMOS AMIGOS” (POR SHARON Enojada)

“¿QUE TENES CONTRA LOS PARAGUAYOS?” (POR SHARON y su Pyjama)

“ EL SEXO ES LA CAUSA DE LA MUERTE” Para entender mejor esta teoria: escriban un e-mail a m_funtowicz@ciudad.com.ar)

“YO ME LA TRANSO Y LISTO”(GABRIEL KODENCZYK MOSTRANDO SU EXPERIENCIA CON LAS CHICAS, ASEGURA QUE SOLO SE QUIERE TRANSAR A UNA PIBA Y LUEGO DEJARLA)

“EL FUTBOL ES EL PAN Y CIRCO DE ESTA ULTIMA DECADA”(A NICOLAS BELGOROSKY LE PARECE RIDICULO EL TEMA DE QUE LAS MASAS SE ENFRENTEN ENTRE SI Y QUE HAYA TANTA GENTE QUE COME DEL FTOL, QUE VIVE DEL FUTBOL.)

“YO NO ESTOY LOCA!!”(GABRIELA PLOTNO lo dijo hablandole a la pared)

“NO ES QUE NO TENGA, CORAZON, NO TENGO TETAS”(Plotno de vuelta)

“NO SALIS UN SABADO A LA NOCHE A BAILAR, POR ESO ES QUE ESTAS TAN PALIDA”(DE BELGO A PLOTNO, se supone que belgo piensa que los reflectores te van a broncear”)

“EL AMOR ES CIEGO, YO LO AFIRMO”(MIGUEL ZAIDENWERG).

“YO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO, ME TRABO”(DIEGO KATZ GOLPENADOSE EL PECHO.)

“NUNCA ME VOY A AFEITAR/DEPILAR”(JONY SZ. Y MAIA).

“RECONOCZCO QUE MI PADRE ES UN POCO HINCHA”.(LAURA KURLAND)

“NUNCA ME DUELE ALGO” (MAURO FUNTOWICZ)

“¿QUE TIENE DE MALO MI EXCREMENTO?”(POR NICOLAS BELGOROSKY)

“AMO LA HIERBA”(BELGO)

“¿QUE TIENE DE MALO MI PELUCA?”(GUSTAVO MUSNTER)

“PERO PERO LILI, ESTO ES INAUDITO LILI, ESTOS ES INSUPERABLE LILI, ESTOS ES INCAUTIVANTE LILI”.(ZIBLAT TRATANDO DE CONVENCER A CAEPA QUE NO LE PONGA AMONESTACIONES)

“YO AMO EL TRABAJO POR PASION A LA ENSEÑANSA””(BULLIN)

“ADMISION, COMPRESION,ADJUNCION, BOBINAS”(POR MI DICIENDO LOS 4 TIEMPOS EN MECANICA, MIGUEL ME IBA DICTANDO QUE DECIRLE A BULLIN.)

“TRAIGAMOS A UN DESPARECIDO””(POR MI)

“SOS UN CAPITALISTA CONSERVADOR, ARISTOCRATA”(DE BELGO A MATI)

The story takes part in Egyptian Jungle in 1995.
Mufasa (the good Pharao) reigned in peace and quiet, on the Lion Kingdom.

One day Mufasa died, and Skar (the bad pharao) took control on the Lion Kingdom.
Simba (Mozes) must run away from Skar to the dark forest in Median.
Then skar make all the animals his slaves.

Simba met Timon (Yitro) and Pumba (Zipora).
The old monkey, Rakik (G-D.) appeared to Simba and told him that his people in the Egyptian Jungle need him to save them from Skar.

Simba go back to the Jungle and beat him with 10 punches (plagues) and push him to the river Nile.
Simba became the Lion King of all the animals (Jews) and the Hyena (EREVRAV) too.
Simba climb to the Tikva Mountain (Har Sinai) and see Rakiki (G-D) face to face.

The message: Bugs life (The story of Purim) is better than Lion King.