Humor Unplugged

Pakistan offers asylum to Puja Khedkar

2024-08-03T03:18:00.008-10:00

In a sudden development, the failed state and "devil's own land" of Pakistan has offered unconditional asylum to IAS scammer and all-around lazybum Puja Melodrama Khedkar. The offer was extended by Pakistan's Foreign Minister Abu Atta through a press note issued in Islamabad on Friday evening. Pakistani newspaper The Daily Junk has confirmed the story, quoting multiple sources.

"Puja Khedkar has all the qualities that we seek in a model Pakistani citizen. She is crooked, lacks conscience, is tone-deaf, doesn't know how to respect the law, and is wanted in India for heinous crimes. She can settle in Pakistan any day, and we welcome her with an open briefcase," a Pakistani foreign ministry spokesperson said on condition of a few donations.

"An offer of asylum and a home next to terrorist Dawood Cowardly Ibrahim is what we are planning to offer to Ms. Khedkar. She is free to join the Pakistan Administrative Service free of cost without bribing anyone, and she can continue swindling money like her noble father in our evolved republic," a Pakistani foreign ministry note seen by Humor Unplugged said.

Puja Khedkar, who is currently hiding in the subterranean kitchen of a Peruvian vada pav restaurant in Dubai, has meanwhile claimed that she will clear her name in the IAS scam and come out a winner.

"As soon as I find the right people to bribe and coerce, you will see my name cleared. I am even planning to give the UPSC exams next year under the name of Puja Manorama Dilip Tarun Tahiliani Batata Vange Khedkar. So watch out, India; I will be your district commissioner and magistrate soon. Keep your wallets open," Puja Khedkar told Humor Unplugged.

Her father, who has forgotten his real name and goes by the name DM these days, told Humor Unplugged that he has already worked out the bribe chain to get his daughter an IAS tag again. "This time, I will ensure that Puja gets a red beacon car while she heads to her exam center for the UPSC exam. My daughter deserves nothing but a red beacon car with Z category security along with jammers and an Iron Dome to block aerial projectiles as well. These are all basic amenities that should be extended to my daughter," DM said before heading to his hiding place under a partially dried well in Thane.

Puja's mother, meanwhile, unloaded four rounds from her Groza 4 in our general direction when we landed at her house to interview the scarecrow.

Standard Puja Khedkar pic

US condemns India's middle class taxpayer genocide

2024-07-27T21:26:00.007-10:00

WASHINGTON, July 28 (Toyters): The U.S. State Department's 2024 taxpayer freedom report on India, opens a new tab while noting the heightened persecution of taxpayers by the state income tax machinery acting through the Ministry of Finance.

The report released on Friday said that in 2024, senior U.S. officials continued to "raise concerns about taxpayer freedom issues" with their Indian counterparts. US also welcomed qualified Indian economic refugees to settle on its soil provided they enter legally and meet the admission criteria.

In its report, the State Department has outlined many measures that the Indian government has taken to extinguish India's tax paying middle class. Terming the move as economic genocide, the State Department has asked Modi government to take immediate and strong measures to protect the interests of India's Middle Class.

Criticism of India by the U.S. in this instance is unusually restrained and may be due to perceived economic ties and New Delhi's strategic importance for Washington to counter Asian bully and all round geopolitical pain China, bored political analysts told Humor Unplugged.

"The treatment of tax payers, the largest minority in India has come under the lens a

Budget 2024: Special Coverage

fter the last budget presented by the Modi government. The State Department has felt the need to nudge the Modi government to rollback harsh tax measures to preserve the basic human rights of Indian taxpayers on whose contributions India's economic freedoms rest. We are pursuing the matter through the relevant channels and I will be sharing an update on this matter shortly," US State Department spokesperson Matthew Alan Miller said in response to a query by a journalist of Indian origin who migrated to the US after the last budget presented by India's alleged finance minister Nirmala Sitharaman.

"We have noted the last budget with extreme concern. The (State) department feels Indian government is out to make life tough for Indian taxpayers with legislated economic violence. President Biden has also been informed about this issue before he went to sleep at 3:00 PM on Friday. The President asked us to talk to the Indian PM and take this up at the highest levels. US has also decided to put all bilateral drama choreographed by PM Modi's PR team on hold till this matter is addressed. No more fake and patronizing praises of the Indian PM till the Modi Government rolls back the draconian measures," a State Department employee in the know told Humor Unplugged.

Meanwhile the first bunch of Indian economic refugees bound for the US left on Saturday morning on a chartered aircraft. The lot included 200 plus taxpayers with average net wealth ranging from 15 to 500 crores. "I am done with the taxes in this country and looking forward to a life in US free of draconian taxes with minimal returns," a fleeing taxpayer said.

Citizens all over the country came down heavily on Modi government's 2024 budget calling it "myopic, parasitic, illinformed and idea starved. "This government only knows how to indulge in theatrics. Running the country is something they don't want to learn. Which is why I am running away from here," a tax payer told Humor Unplugged over tea.

US, UAE, and Australia Welcome India’s Budget

2024-07-26T00:39:00.013-10:00

India’s alleged Finance Minister, Nirmala Sitharaman, presented her first budget under the so-called Modi 3.0 government this week. The budget, which received widespread criticism in India and was condemned as the worst budget in any part of the world ever, received appreciation from some surprising quarters yesterday. India’s most loved satire site, Humor Unplugged, brings you this exclusive story.

Budget 2024: Special Coverage

The governments of the US, Australia, UAE, and UK welcomed the budget, calling it a historic milestone. When a surprised Sitharaman inquired, she was told that all these countries are excited about the prospect of more Indians emigrating after assessing the damp prospects of financial growth in India in the aftermath of what they deemed a disastrous budget by a financially illiterate and economically tone deaf government.

“We are looking forward to welcoming Indians fleeing the taxpayer genocide taking place in India right now. Right now we are just looking at HNIs, but in the next 6 months we want to take in more Indians from the middle-class strata,” a senior official at the US consulate in Mumbai told Humor Unplugged. The UK has made an official announcement welcoming the budget, stating, “This budget is a major milestone in our efforts to woo Indian HNIs. The government extends its sincere gratitude to the Indian government for rolling out such an insipid budget which should have ideally belonged to Somalia, and we were shocked to see the Indian government roll out the same,” an official UK High Commission press note said.

Meanwhile, Australia has decided to open an additional consulate in Bengaluru with separate sections dealing with citizens fed up with the poor state of healthcare, traffic, and scope for financial growth. “We welcome all rich Indians who wish to migrate with their wealth. We will make every attempt to ensure they come comfortably to Australia and settle down here,” an Australian government spokesperson said on the condition of anonymity.

Even countries like the Russia and Canada, with next to zero hope for international redemption, have invited Indians to settle down in their respective territories.

14 Hour workday for IT employees: Kim Jong Un welcomes Bengaluru talent

2024-07-21T05:53:00.021-10:00

As reports came in about Karnataka state government planning to raise the IT staff's working hours to 14 per day, North Korean premier Kim Jong Un invited techies in Karnataka to relocate to its DPRK Sci-Tech Complex also known as: 과학기술전당 a technology park located on Ssuk island in Pyongyang where the work hours are more reasonable. North Korea also indicated that it is ready to issue 140000 work visas at $15 for all Karnataka techies who wish to relocate.

"We have just heard about a new law being formulated in the Indian state of Karnataka which requires IT employees to work 14 hours a day. Well, here in Pyongyang, we don't work an hour over 11 every day. What's more, commute to any part of our blessed city doesn't take over 10 minutes and the roads are as smooth as moonbeams in winter. We welcome all Karnataka techies to come to Ssuk island and work here," Kim Jae Song senior minister for electronics, methane balloons and fat-free ice creams told India's most visited satire blog Humor Unplugged.

Kim Song made the offer at a crowded press conference organized in Pyongyang in the early hours of Sunday. As per sources as reliable as former Indian Affluent Service [IAS] aspirant Pooja Manorama Rao Dilip Bachchan Biden Cruise Khedkar's PWD certificates, the move has the blessings of Supreme Leader and herder of cotton candy and faith Kim Jong Un. Jong Un. He is apparently the one who asked Jae Song to make the announcement.

"North Korea will ensure a proper work life balance among all techies. This means they will have the time to get married, raise a family and even visit the rest room without being penalized with a salary deduction. Further, unlike in Bengaluru, we promote top-light organizations with managers doing more work than everyone else. So please relocate to our great country without any further delays. If you contact us in the next 24 hours we will throw in free insurance, Netflix connection and free food coupons as well," Song said.

Rental prices plummet

Rental prices in Bengaluru plummeted to an all time low of 15,000 INR for a 1 carom table room home as many techies surrendered their rented homes. "I have decided to move in to my office and stay there. Whats the point in going home after 14 hours?" a Sinfosys employees said. "I am setting up a tent for my family in our parking space," a Tata Clerical Services employee said.

Mohancrass Fry ready to move but grounded

Pointless rabble rouser Mohancrass Fry today announced that he is ready to shift to North Korea if the government doesn't change its stance. Fry even made a formal application to the North Korean consulate in a Oyo Room Hotel in Shivajinagar earlier in the day. His application was however rejected by Pyongyang. This was after the state government here had decided to fund his tickets to Pyongyang in a move to shove him out of Karnataka.

Kim Jae Song at the press conference urging Karnataka techies to relocate. Sitting beside him are minister for healthy donuts Hyeonseo Lee and minister for paranormal and UAP affairs Myung Bak

Disclaimer: Work of fiction. Not to be confused with reality under any circumstance including under the influence of poor quality weed.

Arnab Goswami receives Haldiram gift box from Reliance

2024-07-15T22:06:00.013-10:00

Anant Ambani, the younger son of Reliance Industries chairman and big time showoff Mukesh Ambani, finally got married to Radhika 'Instagram' Merchant in a grand ceremony in rain soaked Mumbai last week. While wedding guests were treated with five-star hotel stays and all kinds of luxury gifts, Reliance employees also received a token gift box to celebrate the occasion.

Alleged journo Arnab Goswami received his box early on Friday afternoon and things went downhill from there.

Scuffle breaks out at the Goswami household

As per a Humor Unplugged source, as soon as the courier arrived at his house, Arnab kept mum and tried to smuggle the box in without lettting his wife Pipi Goswami know about its contents. He apparently wanted to consume the contents of the box without sharing anything with Pipi.

When questioned about the box, Arnab said it only contained official documents and some old post-it notes (the logo side of the box was hidden by Arnab using an old t shirt). An unconvinced Pipi asked him to put the box down and move away from it. She then asked their pet lab Shelador to sniff the box. As soon as Shelador got a whiff, he sat down and Pipi understood the sign well enough. Shelador is trained to detect undeclared consignments including sweets smuggled by Arnab. As soon as a consignment is detected, Shelador sits down to indicate a positive detection.

As soon as Shelador sat down, Pipi flung a raw gooey papaya at Arnab who barely managed to dodge the projectile. Just when he was about to get back on his feet and ask 36 questions while blaming the opposition parties, Pipi flung an old iron pan that has been passed on from generations in her family.

The pan hit Arnab on his forehead and he started bleeding Molybdenum Disulfide and collapsed on a pile of laundry clothes stashed away by Pipi. He was then thrown inside an old Big Basket grocery box and flung into a garbage truck by Arnab's mother-in-law Gneepy Chawla.

Arnab is recovering at a nearby landfil.

Well deserved: a beaming Arnab with his box of Haldiram Bhujiya before Pipi discovered it.

Hours after Trump, Arnab Goswami claims elimination attempt

2024-07-15T07:21:00.001-10:00

Pretend journalist, motor mouth and pay-per-word Modi spokesman Arnab Goswami claimed someone made an attempt on his life early Sunday. At a hurriedly convened press conference attended only by Arnab's 3 creditors, food coupon delivery agent, laundry collection agent and his LIC agent (the last 3 were tricked into attending), Arnab made a startling claim that a fellow journo who couldn't digest Goswami's alleged success, tried to eliminate him.

"As I was attending to some immediate chores of national significance (he was actually washing clothes at the instance of his wife Pipi), I suddenly ducked only to hear a projectile fly by at a significant speed. If I hadn't ducked, the projectile would have hit me and the nation would have lost a beacon of objective and diligent journalism," Arnab said using the event to boost his ego.

Arnab claimed that a rolling pin resembling national news nanny Borkha Dutt was flung at him from the airspace linked to South East sector Bravo. If the pin had hit Arnab it would have certainly caused some injury to his ego. It may be noted that Sector Bravo lies right above the residence of fellow journalist Rajdeep Sardesai.

Arnab alleged that the event was an attempt on his life planned and attempted by a senior journo. "Many journos are jealous of the success I have achieved at Creepublic channel. This attempt was one such senior journo whose hair is as white as fresh snow and who washes clothes with a straight bat," Goswami said.

"Just like there was an attempt on former President Donald Trump in the US, this was an attempt on my precious and important life. I am the only journo whose life is in danger because of the paid positions I have taken in my pretend profession," Goswami added.

Rajdeep meanwhile claimed he had nothing to do with the event. "This guy was just trying to look for excuses to avoid washing clothes without offending his wife. The fact that the rolling pin involved was never recovered and Arnab has no visible wounds indicates that this was as real an incident as Arnab's credentials as a journo," Rajdeep told Humor Unplugged over tea.

"The wounds are within me. The whole event has left me scarred and my ego is not going to be the same ever again," Arnab said while countering Rajdeep.

Government launches inquiry

The Central Government has set up a single-member committee with stationary, food coupons and instant noodles packs to investigate claims of Arnab Goswami.

The inquiry will be headed by a retired stand-up comedian who has performed before a crowd of 50 plus people in at least 3 cities as per the criteria published by the union government and seen by India's most visited satire blog Humor Unplugged.

"The NDA government is not interested in knowing the findings of the report," a source said.

Arnab goebbels goswami

Kangana to star in Puja Khedkar biopic

2024-07-12T23:37:00.008-10:00

Taran Johar's Drama Productions today announced a small coup of sorts by becoming the first production house to rollout a movie on notorious Indian Affluent Service officer Puja Manorama Dileep Singh Rao Zingpao Takshin Khedkar.

The movie will hit the floor today evening and star mega hamming actors Akshay Bimar and Kangana 'Aadhar' Conawat in key roles. Bimar will play the role of Khedkar's poor father while Conawat will play the role of her deranged scarecrow mom who has threatened nearly 45 people since the Puja Khedkar episode came to light 3 days ago.

Sources told Humor Unplugged that the role of Puja Khedkar could go to either a former Airtel 4g lady or to a debutant. Drama Productions will make a formal announcement on the role soon.

Sudha Murthy will be the humility consultant for the movie. She is being roped into add a touch of reality to Khedkar's role as Murthy is used to playing the role of a humble lady while giving 400 interviews a week on humility.

Puja Khedkar demands vanity van

Meanwhile all hell broke lose when devils own kid and India's most taunted Pooja Khedkar demanded a vanity van, 3 assistants, 5 makeup kits, a restaurent and a beach facing bungalow as soon as she heard about the movie. Whatsapp chats seen by Humor Unplugged show how Khedkar placed the request humbly to Johar.

"Namaste, this is Pooja Khedkar, IAS, tone deaf and humbly challenged. Heard you were making a move on my life. Please focus on my childhood struggles while growing up in a HNI family and also provide the following immediately as I am now a celebrity:

1 vanity van
3 assistants
5 makeup kits
A restaurant
A beach facing bungalow
And a Lamborghini for my grocery shopping

Trust you would arrange these items before the shooting starts. I will also expect a director's chair and a nameplate to be affixed to random objects during the shoot," Khedkar told Johar over a chat.

Khedkar's mother Shurpanaka Khedkar meanwhile threatened Johar with a pistol emoji if her daughter's demands were not met. Pooja's father Dhushasan Khedkar threatened to shut down Johar's studio if his daughter's demands were not met by today evening.

Pooja Khedkar at the press conference

A pivotal moment in the movie

Rishi Sunak won't be dancing at the Ambani wedding

2024-07-07T08:12:00.010-10:00

In what could be constructed as the first fallout of the recently concluded UK elections, Rishi Sunak's name has been removed from the list of performers at the Anant Ambani - Radhika Merchant wedding to be conducted sometime soon.

As per sources close to the Ambani family, Rishi Sunak has already been informed of the decision by the Ambani family. The cash rich-ettiqute poor Ambani family had made it clear that only a person who is the current Prime Minister of United Kingdom will be called in to perform at the wedding ceremony. Former PMs will not be extended this honor.

On being told about Rishi being a persona non grata on the Ambani dance stage, Sunak said "we were prepared for this moment..and I can assure you that while a part of me is disappointed, I am grateful to learn that my succesor will still be able to perform at this august event. I will continue to rely on my ability to shake a leg and I can further assure you that I will be nothing but relentless in this pursuit."

It is said that despite the performance being reserved for the current PM, Sunak still wanted to dance at the event and claimed he has been practicing for hours each since day the last 4 years to prepare for the event.

"I can still dance and charm the audience. I have some signature moves and I am sure His Excellency the Puke I mean Duke of Antilla Mr. Mukesh Ambani will still invite me to dance at the event," Sunak is said to have told a close aide.

The new British Prime Minister Keir Starmer meanwhile confirmed that he will be performing at the Ambani wedding. A note sent to Mukesh Ambani's office by Starmer, seen by Humor Unplugged, mentioned that he is looking forward to dancing at the event and that once the dance is done, the Indian government will keep its end of the deal and sign the Free Trade Agreement with UK.

Trudeau's application to dance at the Ambani wedding rejected again

In a fresh setback to partime Canadian PM and full time stale garlic popsicle Justin Trudeau, his application to dance at Chabbu Ambani wedding was rejected for the 7th time on Friday.

Trudeau has been requesting Mukesh Ambani to allow him to perform at the wedding through many channels. In fact, Trudeau had asked his terror consulates in India to slow down recruitment of terrorists in order to impress Ambani to allow him to perform at the wedding. In addition to monetary compensation, Trudeau was hoping his dance moves would impress senior Indian leaders enough to restart bilateral talks currently stalled over disagreements oved trade, investment, terror financing and immigration.

The Canadian PM may however be allowed to serve guests Swiss Sherbet at the event. This was after Trudeau threw a major tantrum during a MS teams meeting recently with Ambani's weding management office.

Justin Bieber, Rihanna, Katty Perry, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, Coldplay, Backstreet Boys and many other performers have already performed at some of the pre-wedding events organised by the Ambani family so far as part of the grand wedding celebrations. Motor mouth Arnab Goswami has been signed up to be the emcee, haldi (turmeric) consultant and lead dancer in one of the ceremonies.

It is said that a sum equivalent to the Pakistan's annual GDP is being spent every day at each of these events.

Rishi Sunak practicing his moves

Trudeau doing what he does best - make a fool of himself and his country

Yo Sudha Murthy so simple

2024-07-05T19:54:00.006-10:00

From appearing in only 300 media interviews a week to preaching on everything under the sun, Sudha Murthy has done it all. It is said that as a child, Sudha Murthy grew up in a media deprived family. "When I was growing up, we, as a family, were covered by the media only once a week. Sometimes we would go go for weeks without PR and we were never featured on Doordarshan. We didn't have a remote and had to change channels manually. Radio knobs had to be changed by hand. That should give you an idea of how challenging my childhood was," Murthy once told us.

To help you understand how simple Sudha Murthy is, Humor Unplugged has put together a few benchmarks that Sudha Murthy has set. Let's roll.

Sudha Murthy is so simple that:

She only takes pictures in black and white to conserve colors
She mostly travels by Alliance Air and cooks her own food in the plane using ingredients available in the plane. Once she was able to dish out a paper dosa using just the inflight safety briefing document
Her wig is made of her own hair
She uses Google Pay for payments just to get 3 Rs cashback after every 6800 transactions above Rs. 1,00,000
She never relies on the commentary given by commentators [what if the commentator is a non-vegetarian] during cricket matches. Instead she puts the TV on mute and gives her own commentary. "One should always be atmanirbhar, in every aspect," she says. For some reason, her husband Narayan Murthy never watches matches at home to this day. Sudha doesn't know why.
She walks 4 kms every day on her treadmill to buy milk
Her i-phone is serviced by ITI
She brings a seat from her Delhi house to Rajya Sabha every day to avoid sitting in a seat used by a non-vegetarian
Her headphones are 100 percent recyclable and made from rice bran
She prints her own food ingredients label
She is so much into recycling that she even recycles her speeches and media interview statements
She always heads to simple destinations such as Machu Picchu instead of flashy ones such as Bangkok
Her kitchen has racks made of the most simple Carrara marble
She only had 21 pre-wedding ceremonies as compared to 45 ceremonies held by Mukesh Ambani for his son Chabbu Ambani
Her nail polish is vastu compliant
Her favorite drink is virgin Gripe water with soda
She makes hair dye at home using Indus Valley hair dye
She brings her own pilots whenever she flies on chartered aircraft
Her favorite force is gravity
Her AC temperature is set at 18 degrees irrespective of the weather outside
Her degree certificate is made from paper recycled from her exam answersheets
Her Netflix credentials are shared by the whole of Jayanagar
She still uses physical Infosys shares as table mats in her dining table
She stopped buying sarees after her collection crossed 120000
She uses free PDF convertors
Her bangles are made of recycled Big Basket grocery boxes
Her glasses are made from recycled Marinovic Beach sand from Antarctica

Simpler than Simplest: Sudha Simple Murthy

PM Modi wants to rescue astronaut Sunita Williams

2024-07-02T04:14:00.015-10:00

Just hours after ISRO chief S Somnath spoke about ISRO taking PM Modi to space on Gaganyaan, the PMO got active and put together a speech the PM will deliver while he is up there in space. As per sources, the speech will have all his usual elements including blame game, mocking opposition and spinning reams of yarn and fake tales. The PM also expressed an interest in rescuing 'stranded' astronaut Sunita Williams from the International Space Station.

900000 crore package on the anvil

"Modi ji will become the first leader to play the blame game in space. He will also announce a INR 900000 Cr. package for ISRO in his speech delivered from space. That money will never come but it will give Modi friendly media enough material to praise him to Tropopause. Further Modi ji will also blame Nehru for no Indian PMs traveling to space in the last 70 years," a source in the PMO told India's leading satire site Humor Unplugged.

PM Modi ji is very excited about the chance to issue more jhoomlas and attack opponents in space. He has already asked his team of 8740 speech writers to come up with unique speeches with low quality content in continuation of similar speeches he made during the election campaign season just a month ago.

"Modi ji is also planning to conduct an interview with pliant media while he is still floating around in space. The chosen lot will include sycophants such as Arnab "drug do" Goswami, Smita 'bhakt' Prakash and few more who will grill him with tough questions on his culinary preferences, his favorite dresses and more. If you thought Modi ji had used language unbecoming of a PM a few months ago, wait till he ascends to space. He will indulge in language unbecoming of an astronaut. Indians have no idea what is waiting for them," the PMO source said.

"Modi ji has also instructed ISRO to plan the launch on a cloudless day as on a cloudy day, the rocket could lose its way due to lighting issues and due to the weight of the cloud, the rocket will consume more fuel. Modi ji feels lack of clouds will be beneficial for the launch," the PMO source added.

Modi ji wants to rescue Sunita Williams

Another source told Humor Unplugged over tea that Modi ji has asked ISRO to hurry up with the tests and launch Gaganyaan quickly so that he can walk over to the ISS and rescue astronaut Sunita Williams. When told she is not stranded, Modi ji is said to asked ISRO to go with tests at usual pace.

If everything goes well, Modi ji will be India's first jhoomlanaut. Humor Unplugged has also learned that Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant’s are planning to have their 45th pre-wedding ceremony in space. The couple have already had so many wedding ceremonies that guests are confused about what present to carry. Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg had to attend a counseling session as he had a panic attack soon after receiving a call from Mukesh Ambani inviting him for the 45th time for the Anant-Radhika wedding.

Gaganyaan vehicle that will ferry Modi ji

Zuckerberg has the Ambani wedding fatigue

PM Modi ji had participated in the freedom movement as well: historians

2024-06-25T22:48:00.004-10:00

India's most photographed PM Shri Modi ji has added another post-dated feather to his cap. As per the same qusar-brained revisionist historians who claimed he had participated in anti-government protests during emergency, he had also contributed extensively in the Quit India Movement in 1942 disguised as a British Viceroy.

When a few sane people pointed out that Modi ji was not even born then, these historians countered the claim by calling the doubters anti-nationals who ought to have been deported to a neighboring nation in 2014.

"Modi ji in his previous life had shaped the Indian freedom movement. He had also countered the British colonial rulers by extracting Lithium from its ore which was a banned activity in 1942. Modi ji was the first person to extract Lithium and use it build a Lithium ion battery to power the world's first EV which he used to go around the country. He had also used the first satellite phone to make a call to the then US president asking him to put pressure on Churchill to give India independence," said Sehmat Sharma Modi ji's biographer and BJP historian.

According to Sharma, Modi ji had also played a key role in extracting H H Dalai Lama from Tibet in 1959 as a 9 year-old boy. "Modi ji had crossed over to Tibet from the Zohji la pass and located a glum looking HH Dalai Lama sitting at a monastery. Wasting no time, Modi ji fashioned a small cycle using locally available coconut trees and neem branches and used the cycle to bring HH Dalai Lama safely to India," Sharma added.

As per these alleged historians, Modi ji had also helped liberate the then East Pakistan and defeat Pakistan in the battle of Pattonnagar where Modi ji personally destroyed 3 tanks by removing their GPS devices and luring them to a wrong turn.

BJP spokesperson and thyroid patient Arnab Goswami meanwhile blamed successive Congress governments for not giving his master Modi ji his due.

"Today, ladies and gentlemen, when I look back, when I turn my neck around, when I view my rear view mirror, I only see one tall leader. I only see one giant colossus, just one sauropod sized man of vision who steered India towards greatness and to whom we owe our freedom and growth to. I don't think many of us have done enough to deserve this beacon of humility as our prime minister. It is due to sheer blessings that we have managed to have Modi ji as our leader. I am even more fortunate to get a chance to pretend to be a journalist to carry Modi ji's maan ki baat to the masses. Ten years ago when I sold my spine and wore my BJP credentials, many had cried but today when I look back, my chest swells with helium. I can sacrifice 10 more lives and professions to serve this great man," Arnab Goswami said while munching a samosa at the BJP HQ's vendor canteen.

"It is only because of Congress that we never got to learn about the greatness of this man. I hope someday the history texts are revised to unbelievable levels to cover Modi ji's greatness. He has inspired so many including world leaders such as Biden, Putin, Macron, Micron, Warren Al-carte, Pipi Goswami, Rajeev Chandrafaker among others," Goswami added.

Modi ji in disguise in 1942 during his
underground days

Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant's wedding: Mukesh Ambani's unique gift

2024-05-30T05:23:00.003-10:00

Multi-Billionaire Mukesh Ambani's son Anant Ambani will get married to Radhika Merchant for the 5th time in Mumbai on July 12. The 5th wedding ceremony will be held in the traditional Vedic manner at the Jio World Convention Centre in the city's Bandra-Kurla Complex (BKC). The post-wedding ceremony will be held in an even more traditional way at the International Space Station where a special priest will bless the couple after a nuclear fission ceremony.

The couple will then do a traditional space walk and view the gigantic supernova behind the Boat explosion through a special feed on the ISS as well.

Well all that is public news. What you will read now is exclusive information only Humor Unplugged readers would know.

Mukesh Ambani's unique gift

India's number one satire site has learned that Mukesh Ambani will be giving the couple a gift that no billionaire has ever given. Humor Unplugged has learned that the Reliance CEO will be giving away 5 Members of Parliament from the new Lok Sabha as gift to the newly remarried couple. All the MPs will be from the ruling party and will be at the beck and call of the couple.

The MPs have not been identified yet. But sources as reliable as Bengaluru weather have told Humor Unplugged that the MPs will be housed in the couple's new home and will serve their interests in addition to running errands. The couple will also be able to decide which questions these MPs will ask in parliament.

The identity of the MPs will be known once the results of the ongoing Lok Sabha elections are declared on June 4th.

Special speech by Modi ji

PM, avatari purush and vishwaguru Shri Shri Modi ji has prepared a special speech for the occasion according to Humor Unplugged's sources in the PM's office. The low level language ridden speech targeting opposition leaders and Modi ji and Ambani's rivals is expected to touch a new low in the ongoing political discourse in the country.

"I saw the draft and a chill ran up my spine. At first I thought it was a speech for some event attended by Mumbai underworld. But then I saw the cover which mentioned it was Modi ji's speech for the Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant wedding and I collapsed on the spot. When I came to my senses I was told it is just a draft and the final speech will be so laden with unbecoming language that the censor board won't clear it for broadcast on family channels," Humor Unplugged's source in the PMO said.

Anant and Radhika

Troll Palki Sharma gets 3-year extension from BJP

2024-05-27T06:31:00.010-10:00

In the season of extensions, comes yet another extension. As per reports emerging from the BJP headquarters, National troll and alleged journalist Palki 'Bulky' Sharma has been given an extension of 3 years by Modi ji's media cell in the BJP. Humor Unplugged, India's leading satire site, has learned that the extension came in wake of her stellar performance in selling her last remaining vestiges of unbiased journalistic credentials for small favors from the Modi government.

Palki Sharma it may be remembered is at the forefront of Modi Service Media popularly known as Modi media. As a loudspeaker for the government, Bulky Sharma has no qualms in showing her undying loyalty for Modi government. Be it abusing and belittling Modi ji's rivals or building false historical narratives to rewrite history, Palki has left no stone unturned to please her political masters.

"We saw her recent performance where she called some random guy called Dhruv Rathee a German Cockroach. It was almost as if avatari pursh shri shri Modi ji himself was speaking through Palki Sharma. We were so impressed with her ranting that we have now drafted her into the team that pens Modi ji's speeches. We have also extended her BJP affiliation for a period of 3 years starting May 28th. We would like to congratulate her. She is a model journalist who carries a lot of weight for us and with journos like her, we don't need to buy entire media houses. She is a loyal BJP foot soldier," said BJP spokesperson 312 over a Whatsapp chat.

As per sources, Palki Sharma has also been appointed the head of the prestigious Nehru Bashing Committee (NBC) of the BJP that's tasked with creating fake narratives using short videos, images and text to blame former PM Nehru for everything from the disintegration of Gondwanaland to climate change and everything in between. This is the same team which claimed that Nehru had planned to sell off ISRO to UK for a chance to meet the queen.

NBC also runs a show called Bark Tank to identify the most abusive and vile mouthed individuals who are chosen to write the hon'able PMs speeches. These are people who breathe hydrogen sulphide and use their lack of civility and respect for others to toast people who old contrarian views.

Palki Sharma to join Election Commission in 2026

The Modi government has also decided to induct motor mouth sub human affiliation shifting Neanderthal Arnab Goswami and pretend journo Palki Sharma into the Election Commission after the tenure of the current sleepyhead commissioners gets over.

When reached for comment, an Election Commission spokesperson at the BJP HQ on Mean Dayal Upadhay road said "we welcome this initiative to preserve ECs affiliation with the BJP and Shri Shri avtari purush Modi ji. Both mythmaker Palki Sharma and Arnab 'thyroiditis' Goswami are well known troublemakers and their loyalty to the BJP is unquestionable. Their addition to the EC will make EC a more robust foot soldier of the BJP".

Congratulations are in order. Keep selling your souls for handouts from the government, Palki, Arnab and Election Commission clowns. Thanks to segmented arthropods [the actual cockroaches and termites] like these that feast on the very foundations of our existence as a nation, India won't be a democracy for long.

Palki Sharma explains the German cockroach idea

As per her, journalism is just a podium to appease the government of the day and to bellitle voices of dissent in a democracy.

These Election Commission branded pillows are selling like hot cakes thanks to the ignominy imposed on sleepy and listless election commissioners by citizens

India's Election Commission acts tough on PM Modi

2024-05-22T21:55:00.004-10:00

India's Election Commission, a majorly owned BJP subsidiary, finally woke up as the last phase of elections in the country kicked off.

Responding to over 78000 complaints on PM Modi's frequent speeches laden with inflammatory content, language not befitting a leader, as well as 24 carat lies, the Election Commission decided to act tough and act finally. After a focused investigation by a local unpaid freelancer, the Election Commission decided to impose punishments on PM Modi. This was after the complaints were found to be valid.

A decision to this effect was taken by CEC and clinical test dummy for Sleeping Pills Shri Rajiv Kumar on Thursday. "We have, after much consideration and conversations with BJP leadership and with their approval, decided to act with a heavy heart on these complaints and impose a punishment on our Hon'able Vishwaguru, Avtari Yugpurush and Pradhan Sevak PM Shri Shri Modi ji," Rajiv Kumar said.

As per a release by the Election Commission posted on the wall of a kirana store outside the EC HQ, the punishment imposed on the PM consists of the following measures:

Modi ji will have to write and submit a 200-word essay on the best way to eat a mango in summer
In at least one of his campaign speeches, he will have to thank former Prime Ministers for their role in bulding a new India
Modi ji to do one Ganga Arthi without the camera focusing on him

"These tough measures will help us curb bad speech during these elections and beyond," Kumar added.

Modi ji after he heard about the Election Commission punishment

BJP's poll promise package unveiled

2024-05-17T07:52:00.004-10:00

India's favorite satire blog Humor Unplugged has gained access to a series of papers outlining delivery targets the BJP government at the Center will chase if it returns to power.

All targets studied by Humor Unplugged were however linked to the number of seats the Modi government will get during the 2024 polls. Here is the exclusive break-up of the targets:

Number of seats: 500 plus

Targets: merger of Indonesia with India along with Vietnam and Cambodia. PM will hold a virtual press conference. Nehru will only be blamed for post-1960 blunders. Freezing of bank accounts belonging to opposition parties to be limited to 10 accounts with over 10,000 INR. 2 mainstream media entities to be allowed to broadcast genuine news including stories that show government in poor light. No new taxes. New parliament building named Shri Narendra Modi 500 Sansad to come up in addition to the new one.

Number of seats: 400 plus

Targets: PoK and Tibet to be merged with India. Another safari shoot with Bear Grylls. Nehru will be blamed for everything. Raids by ED and CBI will be restricted to 10 opposition leaders per day. New tax on tips given at restaurants, donations and haircuts.

Number of seats: 300 plus

Targets: merger of HPCL with BPCL. Nehru will be blamed for inflation. New inflation tax to be launched. All gas cylinders will carry the photo of Shri Modi ji.

Number of seats: 200 plus

Targets: opposition parties will not be allowed to campaign in regional polls. Modi jis photo to be added to the logos of all news channels and the masthead of all newspapers. Nehru to be blamed for all.major extinction events since pre-cambrian. PM Modi ji's statue with red led lights for eyes to come up in Galwan.

Modi ji ready for 2024

Sabse solid Modi interview question bank leaked

2024-05-16T04:16:00.016-10:00

Through our sources, India's leading satire blog Humor Unplugged was able to get access to the questions that pliant journos were planning to ask our photogenic vishwaguru PM Shri Modi ji. These questions are hard hitting and cover crucial topics that all voters can identify with. Some of these questions are so direct and uncomfortable that we did have our concerns on whether the journos asking these questions will in turn be questioned over chai by the En-farcement Directorate and the CBI.

So without further ado, here are the tough questions that Modi ji will be asked during the Sabse Solid PM Interview by Aaj Tak:

One mark/objective type:

Your favorite season
Your favorite ham actor
Your favorite cringe song
Your favorite left handed personality
Your favorite non-IPL cricketer
Your take on journalism
Your favorite PM since we got independence in 2014

Essay type questions on the economy

What is your monthly budget for groceries?
Do you keep your wallet in the left pocket or the right one?
While using UPI, do you use the QR code or do you pay using the phone number?
Tell us a bit about your real estate investments
Who are your idols when it comes to savings?
When it comes to insurance policies, do you listen to your agent or do you do a bit of independent research as well?
How do you keep your electricity bill under check in summer?
Your recommendations on how we can export more mangoes to China to balance exports?

Essay type questions on national politics:

Modi ji, what was your childhood like?
Is it true that Biden and Putin dont take any major decision without consulting you?
When did you decide to become the PM
When you cry, do the tears come predominantly from the left eye or the right one?
When you wear your shoes, do you wear them on your right foot first or the left one?
Which is your favorite dish and when did you last eat it?
What personality type are you?
Which was the last movie that you saw? Are all actors as dumb as Kangana Ranaut or is there some hope for those with Above 10 IQ levels to also be considered for a career in bollywood?
What is your favorite vacation destination?

Advisory questions where Modi ji will share his worldly knowledge for enlightenment of mankind ALA Sadguru [answers already shared with PMO yesterday vide email from Aaj Tak id. ].

The secret behind a successful marriage
How can we live up to our promises like you?
How will AI evolve and how can LLMs be used to cleanse data?
How can we keep our ego under check and stop believing that god has created us specifically for a huge purpose on this planet?
How can we score 100 on 100 in quantum physics?
You are a mathematician beyond comparison. You have been able to breakdown (a+b)2 like no one else. How do you get such unquenchable brain power
Your thoughts on Beyond Visual Range combat using 5th gen aircraft in the absence of air to air refuelers
Tips to manage productivity in Teams meetings
When it comes to renewable energy, there are variations due to seasonal variables. How do we ensure consistent production of power?
Can you throw some light on the role of encoders, self-attention layer and feed forward neural network layer in the context of the transformers architecture?

Modi ji after he saw the Sabse Sol(i)d PM interview questions

India's Election Commision to exclusively recruit from Galgotias University

2024-05-11T08:03:00.007-10:00

World's most biased election regulator and Rip Van Winkle's very own organization the Election Commission of India has announced that it will henceforth not accept Indian Administrative Service officers as Election Commissioners but instead rely on the infamous Galgotias University for recruitments.

A proposal to this effect by the current election commissioners all of whom were last seen together at a Crawl On branch was accepted by the Indian Government late on Friday night clearing the decks for a formal MoU to be signed between the two IQ and commonsense deficient institutions.

"To run the Election Commission the way it is being run today doesnt need an IAS officer. Instead you just need three brain dead, IQ starved and intellectually morose semi human single neuroned protozons. Galgotias is teeming with such specimens. Infact its the only university in the world whose students are banned from applying across 176 universities around the world. The prevailing standards of Galgotias is so low that UNESCO has declared it a global heritage site. Galgotias is a pilgrimage site for the incompetent and knowledge deficient folks" a leading Education Consultant told Humor Unplugged over Sherbet.

"Galgotias is the perfect place to find future Election Commissioners. Their students look away from knowledge, moral values and intellectual evolution. I am told the cumulative IQ of the present batch at Galgotias is 133. The Galgotias management's collective IQ is 7. What more do you need? After watching their limp behavior, I have a feeling that the current lot of election commissioners have come from the Galgotias University," said Prachangkot Nonkutt, Lead Analyst at the Democracy Institute.

Chosen as Crawl-on brand ambassadors

In another strange development, Election Commissioners Rajiv 'Dopey' Kumar, Gyanesh 'Lazybones' Kumar and Sukhbir 'Listless' Singh Sandhu have all been chosen as brand ambassadors for matress brand Crawl On. The trio, chosen for their affinity for sleeping at the wheel at the cost of India's future and democracy, won plaudits from the senior management of Crawl On.

"Its one thing to sleep every night and another to be fast asleep when you are supposed to be safeguarding India's democratic credentials and aspirations. These three poisonous toads are perfect examples of whats wrong with India right how. But as a matress brand, we are perfectly fine with such nincompoops," a senior Crawl On executive said.

The three were also seen to be crawling at the behest of a major Indian political party while sacrificing its role as the custodian of Indian democracy. India's Election Comission looked the other way when major campaigners for the same party indulged in propagating lies every single day while committing delibrate errors of commission at the behest of the poltical masters of the Election Commission.

Our attempts to elicit a response from the Election Commissioners met with a "they are fast asleep now, please come back after the ruling party returns to power" response from an Election Commission official who had woken up to water the three officials and to add fertilizer below their feet to ensure they dont wither.

India's lethargic Election Commissioners relaxing on duty while India's democracy dies in darkness

LSG's Sanjiv Goenka joins BJP

2024-05-09T07:23:00.014-10:00

Lucknow Super Giants faced a crushing defeat against Sunrisers Hyderabad on Wednesday at the Uppal stadium. But that was not the headline. The headline instead was about LSG owner and RP-Sanjiv Goenka Group Chairclown Sanjiv Goenka who was seen scolding captain KL Rahul. The incident in question took place just after the post-match presentation and Rahul just kept listening as Goenka threw a diaper tantrum in front of everyone.

The next day

As a new day dawned, social media denizens took the battle to an arena that Sanjiv Goenka knows nothing about or knows as much as he knows about maturity, leadership and respect. Mountains of social media trolls with more followers than the Flat Earth Society mercilessly trolled the senile delinquent and roasted him using some of the choicest abuses. Some called him a Galgotias University passout while another alleged that Goenka had as much knowledge as a "1MG prescription writing doctor".

What happened to Goenka after that?

By afternoon, Sanjiv Goenka had escaped to Germany and was in fact planning to wait there till things cooled down a bit. Goenka reached Munich at 12:30 PM IST while he was waiting to collect his ego which was checked in separately, he got a call from the headquaters of the BJP. Within two hours of this call, Sanjiv Goenka was on his way back to India.

Sanjiv landed late evening and was driven to the BJP quarters by a team of CBI and ED officials. On arrival, he was welcomed to the HQ by some BJP workers. Within minutes, Sanjiv Goenka announced that he was joining the party with the blessings of PM Modi.

Congress is the culprit

"I was not angry with K L Rahul. Instead, I was expressing my frustration at how the Congress and its minions were planning to snatch my wife's Mangalsutra and parcel it to Pakistan to repay their national debt. It is one thing that India was born in 2014 and another to have parties like the Congress that wish to handover our permanent station in Antarctica to China. I have also read that Congress is also planning to handover the area currently housing the Pakistani High Commission to Pakistan by declaring it as their sovereign territory," Goenka said while clarifying what happened on Wednesday evening.

"Rahul was agonized by what he heard and he wanted to rush back to his hotel and place his wife's mangalsutra in a bank locker," Goenka added.

While addressing a small gathering that had gotten together to fix a couple of leaky pipes at the BJP HQ, Goenka said "Modi ji is the only hope. He is the one that gave us multiple IITs and IIMs while Congress could only give us that beacon of ignorance Galgotias University. Modi ji is working to give us all amrit kaal while opposition can only give takla baal".

When someone him to identify the source of these wild statements, Goenka said he received such information as part of his morning intelligence digest delivered through his family WhatsApp group.

"I am very angry with the Congress. They think they can get away with anything. Imagine during independence, we were offered Singapore, Hawaii and British Virgin Islands by the UK and Nehru declined to take these territories as he wanted the UK to instead hand them over to a child of his from his marriage to Audrey Hepburn. Just imagine if we had those territories with us now," Goenka shouted.

Sensing trouble with the restless audience, a group of CBI and Election Commission officials lifted Goenka and drove him away to a farmhouse in the outskirts of Delhi. Goenka will be coached by the CBI on how to win elections and the Election Commission will soon launch an election campaign for him as soon as a Lok Sabha seat is allocated to him.

BJP welcomes Sanjiv Goenka

Bombay Shaving Company founder-CEO Shantanu Deshpande joins BJP

2024-04-28T22:57:00.008-10:00

48 hours after releasing a controversial ad, Bombay Shaving Company CEO and nylon Taklu Shantanu Deshpande along with his entire marketing team joined the BJP earlier today.

It may be recalled that the Bombay Shaving Company, and Shantanu Deshpande, had come in for some heavy criticism on social media following the publication of a full-page ad in a leading daily featuring UP state board exam topper Prachi Nigam. The tasteless ad, allegedly designed to uplift Nigam and to dismiss the trolls, came with a line "Dear Prachi, they are trolling your HAIR today, they'll applaud your A.I.R (all India rank) tomorrow."

Nylon Talku was roasted by many concerned social media folks who kept their regular trolling and party wars aside to pounce on the hapless CEO. Realizing his game was up, Deshpande and team turned up at BJP headquarters at 110 turncoat lane to join the party in the presence of heavyweights such as Churan Kumar, district in-charge for extra-solar objects and inter-galactic research who welcomed them into the party.

Deshpande was hailed as a model entrepreneur by BJP and he has been given a ticket to contest from the Mumbai Sea-link seat. BJP spokesperson 302 while praising Deshpande said "his entry will boost our appeal to the voters of the Sea Link constituency and we welcome him into the party. His past doesnt matter what matters is our common future." Another BJP spokesperson, no 561 said "Shantanu will grow hair and this is Modi ji ki guarantee."

"I am driven by the vision of our hon'able Vishwaguru PM Shri Shri Modi ji. I want to dedicate my life to his vision of a developed India and this is just a small way of contributing to that vision. If I win, I have promised free shavers to every resident of the Sea Link constituency," Deshpande said

"In the last 70 years there was no development and only bickering. Now we have so much development everywhere that I feel I might turn allergic to development, thanks to Modi ji. Further, Modi ji has lived up to all his pre-poll promises including return of black money, action against scammmers and lower fuel prices," taklu added. He was then driven away to meet members of Enforcement Directorate and the Central Bureau of Investigation for a political orientation session.

Meanwhile Bombay Shaving Company issued another full page ad wishing nylon taklu all the best for his new political innings. "Dear Shantanu, they are trolling your HAIR today, they'll applaud your POLITICAL FLAIR tomorrow.

Bombay Shaving Company founder-CEO Shantanu Deshpande being welcomed into the BJP fold

Heat wave joins BJP

2024-04-03T00:10:00.003-10:00

The ongoing heat wave in the country today joined the BJP in the presence of senior BJP, CBI and ED leaders. The heat wave was welcomed into the party by PM Shri Modi ji and Home Minister Amit Shah.

"I am inspired by the work of the tallest leader in the world and Vishwaguru Shri. Modi ji. Thanks to Modi ji, we now have complete self reliance in so many areas that people are tired of counting. India has now arrived in style on the world stage with his tireless leadership. I want to work with him and other BJP leaders to uplift India," the heatwave said at a press conference organized at BJP HQ on Clean Dayal Road.

The government meanwhile has put a stop on all heat mitigation measures across the country. "Heatwave's induction into the party has nothing to do with this development," a senior BJP leader told Humor Unplugged.

"India is blessed to have such a leader and I am looking forward to working under Modi ji's leadership to develop India further," Heatwave added.

Heat wave being welcomed into the party

Nehru's ghost joins BJP, praised as a model PM

2024-04-01T05:41:00.010-10:00

The ghost of former PM Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru who was named after a university in Delhi turned up at the BJPs HQ today and inducted into the party by a senior BJP leader.

The ghost who was known to haunt multiple locations in Delhi and Prayagraj was invited to join the party by BJPs Paranormal Wing head B K Ghost during a Ouija Board session last Saturday.

The session was conducted to evaluate BJPs prospects in the upcoming Lok Sabha polls. In the second hour of the third session, Nehru's ghost was contacted and joined the reading. After a couple of "can you hear mes", he spoke with clarity about the Indian constitution and freedoms. It was then that the Paranormal Wing contacted the party high command and sought their view on inducting the ghost into the party.

The induction was immediately welcomed and B K Ghost was asked to request Nehru's ghost to join the party on Monday at their HQ on Clean Dayal Upadhyay road.

"We welcome Nehru jis ghost into the party. We are happy to have a leader of such great stature join us," a senior leader of BJP said. "Nehru ji is a model PM and his yeoman services to the nation across some of the toughest times will never be forgotten," said Ghansham Pandey, Union Minister for Paranormal Investigations and Van Allen Belt said.

"I am looking forward to serving the nation under the visionary leadership of our PM Shri Modi ji. Under his transformative leadership, India is touching new highs every day and I am sure we will soon see the dawn of FMritkal I mean AMritkal soon," Nehru's ghost said.

Nehru's ghost will be contesting the upcoming polls from the Gaunsa constituency in Rajasthan on a BJP ticket. CBI and ED teams have landed in the constituency to help with the poll campaign and to help Nehru's ghost file his papers virtually.

Nehru's ghost being welcomed into the BJP

Anna Hazare heads to South Sudan

2024-03-29T20:11:00.004-10:00

Self proclaimed anti-corruption champion and proponent of intermittent fasting Anna Hazare has landed in South Sudan after claiming success in the war against corruption in India.

"Corruption is all but over in India. In fact it is so low today that the CBI and ED no longer have any work. They are now working for the government full time as extended arms of the ruling party and how much more validation do you need," questioned Anna.

When asked about electoral bonds, Hazare said "guys take a chill pill. During the previous government you wouldn't even know who paid whom. Today, you know everything. How much was paid to whom and for what work. What more do you want"?

When told that the revelation was due to an intervention by the judiciary, Anna said "so you admit we have an independent judiciary. Thats all thanks to the anti corruption movement that I ran. This was never so in the last 7 decades. Today we are living in a free India where the ED can raid anyone irrespective of caste or religion. And you can get ED of your back with a small token payment to the ruling party. This is anti corruption on steroids," Anna claimed.

Anna landed in South Sudan capital Juba in the early hours of Saturday. He claims he is there to launch an anti-corruption movement on the lines of what he launched in India. Anna was welcomed by South Sudanese dictator Salva Kiir Mayardit.

"The highly respected anti corruption leader Anna will help us become a corruption free nation," Mayardit said in a terse reply to a question by a journo.

Mayardit announced that South Sudan will also make anonymous electoral funding through bonds mandatory going forward. This as per Salva Kiir Mayardit is only the first step in the war on corruption in South Sudan.

Mayardit has also awarded himself the title of Mësues Botëror to lead the fight against corruption.

Anna Hazare with Mayardit

Rishi Sunak joins BJP promises to work for Vikasit Bharat

2024-03-29T19:01:00.007-10:00

UK Prime Minister and son-in-law of Narayan 70 hour Murthy Rishi Sunak has resigned as the Prime Minister of UK and from all positions in the Conservative Party today. Sunak has also surrendered his UK citizenship.

He has further announced that he has joined the BJP in India and would be standing as a candidate in the upcoming parliamentary elections in the country.

"As of today, I am no longer the PM of UK nor am I associated with the UK government in any form, manner or documentation. I have tendered my resignation. I have responded to a call from Shri. Modi ji and decided to join the BJP," Sunak said after landing at T3 of IGI in Delhi.

Immediately after landing, Sunak was welcomed by a team of ED and CBI officials and whisked away to BJP HQ at 6, Deen Dayal Upadhyay Marg. A presser was already ongoing when Sunak walked in dressed in traditional Indian attire.

"Friends, ‘asura shakti’(evil forces) have a firm grip over the party and government in the UK and in such a dire situation, it is difficult to run the government there. I have therefore decided to work under the leadership of vishwaguru and world's biggest leader Shri. Modi ji. I am dedicating myself to achieving his vision of a country where there in no opposition of any sort and where parties can be funded without any accountability," Sunak said at the press conference.

"I am glad to return home to my party. I have always seen myself as a member of the BJP," Sunak added.

Sunak has been given the Kaunsa parliamentary seat in Uttar Pradesh. Sunak said he will be visiting the constituency soon to take over the election campaign. " I am honored to represent this beautiful constituency and promise to work 70 hours each day to develop the area. Further as a dedicated BJP worker, I also commit to work under the leadership of Modi ji to serve the people of India," Sunak said.

Sunak paid his membership fee via his credit card at the CBI head office in Delhi where he was given a briefing on the upcoming polls by CBI director Chavan Prakash.

Meanwhile the Enforcement Directorate leadership hosted a party to welcome him on behalf of the BJP. He was then whisked away by a BJP team to meet PM Modi.

"500 years ago when I started my career with a loan from my wife, we were so poor that I had to serve as a part time LIC agent to make ends meet and keep my company funded. We were so humble that I used to return the excess water in the milk to the milkman. Today when we have so many stalwarts in my family, we continue to be humble. In fact we havent paid over $500000 for any cosmetic makeover so far and that speaks volumes about our humility," Narayan Murthy said while smoking a cigar made from old undemated Infosys shares.

In an unrelated development, the CBI today announced that it was closing all cases against a cousin of Sunak who was being investigated in a multi-billion dollar scam. Champak Sunak was accused of receiving multiple kickbacks in a defense deal.

Sunak being welcomed into the party

Mumbai Airport declared 'World Heritage Site', tag highlights the poor state of infra

2024-03-24T05:57:00.005-10:00

The world’s worst airport, glorified pan shop, and flyer’s worst nightmare Mumbai Airport has been tagged by UNESCO as a World Heritage Site. UNESCO has called Mumbai airport a “monument that displays remarkable apathy and monumental neglect of fundamental human rights values. Mumbai Airport is a living testament to the heights to which human imagination could fall. Passengers need special training to just pass through the alleged airport,” a press note from UNESCO said.

UNESCO, according to sources, is making an example out of the alleged airport to prevent other airports from following the Mumbai model. “The mess that is Mumbai airport is an example of who not to be. Things are broken at the quantum level up to the ATC and beyond. Forget customer experience; even basic levels of customer support are unavailable. Mumbai airport is worse than some Soviet-era airports functioning in the successor states of the USSR in Central Asia. These are airports functioning with 4-5 people, unpaved runways, and conveyor belts operated by hamsters. This shows how bad things are at CSMIA if they are worse than these Central Asian airports,” a source at UNESCO said.

Mumbai Airport has many firsts to its credit. It is the first airport in the country to do away with Digiyatra for all airlines except that customer service champion, Indigo. It is also the first airport with terminals separated by some distance yet unconnected by any form of fast transport. The alleged airport also uses all kinds of excuses to crimp on costs. "Yesterday, they arbitrarily turned off the lights on the runway, saying they were complying with Earth Hour. The truth is that Earth Hour was over long before these guys decided to turn off the lights for over 3 hours. Flights had to be diverted to Pune and Jaipur airports to avoid a situation. Angry passengers were threatened with an ED raid by the senior mismanagement of the airport to prevent them from raising a complaint. We had to forego our tickets and go home,” a passenger said.

Mumbai airport also doesn’t maintain proper signage outside its terminals to guide those driving in.

Another area where CSMIA saves money is through the use of algae belonging to Chlorophyceae, Xanthophyceae, and Chrysophyceae classes in the loo instead of water. Mumbai’s alleged airport does not use water in its loos. The algae are used to suppress the stink generated by the lack of water. It is alleged that the senior mismanagement of CSMIA wears diapers to avoid the use of loos in the airport.

“Our airport is a class in itself. We save so much money that our senior mis-management folks are now able to afford flights via charter aircraft and are hushed in via a big backdoor so that they don’t have to experience the problems that passengers face. Our airport is a symbol of cost-cutting measures taken to the extreme. If every airport were to do what we do, then we can together defeat climate change, as people will then stop flying and do things virtually,” said Prakash Champakani,” Cheap Executive Director and head of service cutting at CSMIA said.

Champakani revealed that CSMIA will launch more new initiatives to further save costs. Some of these are:

Conveyor belts will have to be mandatorily operated by passengers if they want their luggage. This means they will have to pull the belts manually.
Lounges to have railway coach-type seating. Those with premium exotic cards with monthly spends of over Rs. 1,00,000 will get the upper seats, while those with debit cards and less spending will get the middle seats, and the lower ones will go to airport employees.
Passengers who wish to use the aerobridge will have to pay extra. Others will be cramped into a tractor-trailer and dumped outside the aircraft.
Airport apron area to be rented to local vendors
CSMIA has sent a proposal to the Ministry of Uncivil Aviation to allow CISF personnel to be replaced by Badani Group goons.
Fireflies will be reared in special containers on the runway and taxiway to serve as guiding lights in the evening and night.

“We are delighted by this UNESCO recognition. In fact, the UNESCO team was here a month ago to check on our facilities. Two members fainted after using the lavatory and had to be airlifted for urgent treatment of their olfactory nerves and olfactory bulbs. One guy was hit by an airport luggage vehicle inside the aerobridge. This trip was a memorable one for the delegation, and we knew that CSMIA would win. To celebrate, we have turned off lights across terminals for the next 3 days. When it comes to being cheap, we are unbeatable,” Champakani said.

Cheaper than cheap: Mumbai airport

Ankur Warikoo's new book to be out in April. This one is a real epic

2024-03-15T19:52:00.014-10:00

Entrepreneur turned public speaker turned Youtuber turned content creator turned spiritual guru turned know it all Ankur Warikoo or Ankur Waricuckoo has finished writing his nth book. This one deals with another key problem that many Indians in his target audience are struggling with.

In his latest effort, Waricuckoo gives unsolicited gyan on managing the maid. The book is titled "Go beyond epic sh!t: manage your maid effortlessly". In this alleged book, Waricuckoo puts together the key ideas that have filled his journey – one that began with him wanting to be a space engineer and ended with him being able to get his maid to report on time. His exceptional thought stream ranges from the importance of creating habits that feed into long-term success and encouraging people to manage their maids well.

"When my wife asked me to work towards managing the household chores, as part of a settlement after an epic fight, I got on the job immediately. I made and posted 50 YouTube videos that very evening on maid management. I even recommended it to be taught as a subject in my Alma matter Indian School of Bossiness. This is my approach to every problem out there - pretend you are a subject matter expert and give unwanted gyan all over the place and people might soon start taking you seriously. Though I am not sure yet as to why ISB blocked me," Waricuckoo said.

The book is divided into three parts viz., do, epic and sh!t. The first part gives absolute generic information about managing people. It has gems such as "use a mix of Kotter's 8-Step Model, Prosci's ADKAR Model, Bridges' Transition Model, McKinsey 7-S framework to form a 19-quadrant matrix to manage the time factor for your maid". In the second part dealing with epic, Waricuckoo talks about doing epic things to ring-fence challenges such as salary negotiations, getting corners cleaned and looking the other way when they discuss their problems.

In the last part sh!t, Waricuckoo talks about managing things when the manure hits the ceiling. In this part he offers management advice to maid managers. "One should have epic rigorous and tested governance principles in place aligned with EU standards on delegation, people communication and collaboration. When epic incidents happen as they eventually will, one should be mentally prepared for disaster management and to contain the gossip. One should not let an Arnab Goswami like situation develop wherein a partner is thrashed by a spouse for mismanaging the maid of honor in an epic manner,".

Waricuckoo has already done 493 podcasts on the topic before he even got to writing the book. He has claimed that his maids have become extraordinarily efficient after they took up 17 classes of his course "The Complete Guide to completion". He also got her to enroll in and take his other courses as well including the universe before the Big Bang and how background CMB radiation impacts our Body Rhythms, managing time by tracking decay of Plutonium 241 into Americium 241, connecting with angels on a bad network, awakening your chakras through Form 16 filing, aligning Prana, Chetna and Tatva through a Microsoft Teams call and lastly management lessons from Veerappan.

Waricuckoo claims to now be an expert on maid management. "My work in this field has been so epic that I have had 18 maids in the last 3 months. They are so empowered in a matter of days that they move on to higher purposes in life. What could be more epic than this? They just don't stick around as they don't need to anymore."

Speaking from her home in Navi Mumbai, Waricuckoo's wife Rishyasringya said she has had enough of Waricuckoo's shenanigans and has shifted out for good. "That man needs urgent attention from an experienced psychiatric practitioner. He thinks he is an expert at everything including forecasting weather. He gives unsolicited advice to everyone. No one comes to our home these days as everyone is irritated by his shallow advice. An Amazon delivery person jumped two floors and ran as soon as he saw him in the corridor the other day to avoid him. I have had enough and have moved out from his home," Rishyasringya said.

When we asked Waricuckoo about Rishyasringya, he said "she has not left our epic home. She is on a learning vacation and will return as soon as she finishes my course on leveraging cartoons to disconnect from reality.

A random guy called Shiny Ahuja has written the foreword for the book.

Ankut Warikoo's latest book