What I’ve been searching for in most of my relationships over the last few years is a balance in power, professionally. I’ve experienced a variety of power struggles over the last three years, and it caused great strain in my relationships. It’s not fair.

Many people avoid dating people in their industry. It’s understandable. I thought this would become a problem between me and B, but I thought about it a bit more this weekend. I’ve concluded that B and I have a good balance.

In general, my personality is much more aggressive than his, but he is much more successful professionally than I am, so that makes me respect him. Because he’s been in the industry longer than I have, I look up to him and seek guidance from him professionally. However, because I’m still in my first two years of working, I have the stamina that he’s lost a bit over the last few years because he’s burnt out. In the world that we work in, he is a creative, and I work in strategy, so ultimately, our successes don’t compete with each other. Regardless, we are both fiercely and equally ambitious, and this is something we absolutely respect about each other.

What I don’t like is that I find us talking about work way, way too often. To be fair, I don’t know what else people talk about at this age. I also completely screwed myself of having any chance of working at his company because of a very blatant conflict of interest (don’t think it’s a good idea to date your potential boss). And then there are the shitty habits we have, such as waking up next to each other and immediately pulling out our blackberry/iphone to check emails. It’s obnoxious and un-sexy, but we are guilty of it every morning.

We had a very lovely date last night. We went to a wine bar downtown, then had Indian food, then went to another wine bar in his neighborhood. I swear to god, I have never ended the night with him sober, ever. I feel like lately, he’s been going out only once a week, which is usually with me. I guess our date nights are also booze nights for him, which definitely works for me.

I spent the night, and similar to other nights that I’ve slept over, we woke up at 5 in the morning to talk. I like him more every time I see him. We concluded earlier this week that we are dating exclusively, but I honestly have no intention of trying to make this relationship a huge commitment–I’m just having fun right now. This is the first time I’ve dated someone busier than I am, so I think it’s important that I step aside and let him do his work and not be a distraction. It’s his world, and I’m just along for the ride. It’s my world, and he’s also along for the ride. We’re not the focal point of each other’s lives, and I LOVE that. All I really need to know is that he likes me, and there’s no mistaking that he does. I’m very content.

I love having him, the perks that come with dating him, the freedom to hang out with whoever I want whenever I want, the freedom to make retarded mistakes, time to be as aggressive as I want in my career. I am really, genuinely living my life exactly the way I want to right now.

What is it about the threat of another man that makes men, well, grow a set of balls?

Last Monday, I had Columbus Day off and spent the day working with B from his office. At first, it was a bit awkward because his bosses and closest friends in the office know that we’re seeing each other, and were painfully obvious when they were trying to “scope me out.” I mean, I get it–they’re trying to look out for their boy, but would it hurt them to be a little more ambiguous? Either way, I guess I ended up passing with flying colors because B IMed me the next day to report that his buddies thought I was, “cool as fuck,” and a great match for him. I like “cool as fuck.” I’ll take it.

The week before I worked from his office, I had a lighter workload, and a lot more time on my hands. B, on the other hand, was swamped and working 14-16 hour days. He was also making plans with me and consistently breaking them. Half of me understood, but the other half of me was incredibly frustrated and annoyed. I made plans to go see my sister in LA to spend more time with her, but to also get fresh air from San Francisco. The almost-dealbreaker came on Sunday night, when he asked me to return to San Francisco from LA so he could see me, but ended up breaking those plans because of work, again. At my wit’s end, I went home to visit my parents instead, but made it a point to be short with him for the rest of the night. After all, there’s not much I could have done. He’s not my boyfriend, and his work (and my work) are definitely first priority.

Monday came around, and in our strange non-couples way, B knew he was in the doghouse, and I was mad at him even though I knew that he didn’t owe me anything. So, we were polite, and worked mostly in silence, except for moments in which his coworkers interrupted our silence by asking me questions about my life. Then, I received a note from an ex, but to protect his privacy, I won’t really get into it.

Needless to say, I was shocked, and I told B.

His face turned pale.

Even though he was going to have another 16 hour day, he jumped up quickly, and said, “Hey. Let’s take a break and get dinner.” I was a bit surprised, as he never interrupts his work for ANYTHING, but wanted to get out of his office. At dinner, I experienced a surge of assertiveness from him that I didn’t think would ever come.

For the last month and a half, we’d make eyes at each other and say silly things like, “I dig you. You are so fucking rad.” Sometimes, when describing to others what “we” are all about, we’d say, “Oh, we’re just hanging out.” But for some reason, at dinner on Monday night, he sat me down and said, “You know I like you right? I’m not seeing anyone else. I know I haven’t been around enough in the last week, and I probably don’t show you enough, but I do like you, and maybe I’m biased, but I don’t think you should talk to your ex.”

All of a sudden, his surfer boy, “I take life one day at a time,” attitude was gone, and he was being serious. His sudden assertiveness took me by great surprise, and it made me realize that, yes, I absolutely like this guy.

It was a really great way to kick off my vacation. While I was in Hawaii, we texted back and forth every day, and in his words, we weren’t just “hanging out” anymore, we were “dating.” What does that mean anyway? Dating? These in-between stages always confuse the hell out of me.

I know I’ve said this four times already, but he’s been so assertive over the last week–I love it. I love a guy that knows what he wants. I want to give him a gold star for being a sweetheart.

Well, I’m officially 24 now. I have been sooooo ridiculously spoiled by everyone this weekend. I don’t even deserve to live the life I live–that’s how happy I am right now.

My birthday was kicked off on Friday, with my bosses surprising me with a birthday party at the office. I was sitting in a meeting, when all of a sudden, one of my other bosses ran in and screamed, “DARLA, A CLIENT IS WAITING AT THE FRONT DESK FOR YOU. DID YOU FORGET THAT YOU HAD A MEETING WITH HER TODAY?” I freaked out, thinking that I might have mis-scheduled a meeting, and ran out of my meeting, only to run into all of my colleagues sitting in our conference room with a birthday cake for me. So sweet. I was so touched that they took time out of their day to do this for me.

After work, I went to happy hour with my colleagues, and they got me schwasted. Oy. So unprofessional, but it is what it is. On my way home from happy hour, I started texting with B. He came over around 9 for sexless slumber. When we were laying in bed, cuddling, I leaned over and finally kissed him.

The next morning, I was in a hurry to get him out of my apartment because I had a brunch date with another guy. Dude, whatever–I’m 24, and as long as I’m not fucking 17 guys at once, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to juggle a few guys at once.

My brunch date on Saturday morning was cool. It was with this dude that’s 30, works in corporate development and used to work at hedge fund–super typical Asian dude from the East Coast that’s also hilarious and douche-baggy (just like The Bus Driver–go figure). We polished off a bottle of wine during brunch and had two beers, then went joyriding around the Marina. Drunk at noon. Hmm..everything I just said sounds incredibly douchey, but let’s face it: I’m a female douchebag.

Later that night, I had a lovely dinner with Calzone and The Bus Driver, which was followed by pregaming at my place with my buddy Nick, Calz, TBD and B. The boys finally met B, and you know what? They liked him. After some massive drinking (and I mean MASSIVE–none of us even remember the cab drive to the bar), we headed to my birthday party at Mr. Smith’s. (Almost) everyone I love showed up, but I barely paid attention to anyone else because I was too busy drunkenly making out with B the whole night. Owned–so not classy. I thought I was being gross, until Calzone ran over me to announce that he too had been making out with someone at the bar–specifically my coworker. OWNED.

B and I got so toasted that we ditched my party at 1 AM and made it back to his place to make out some more. We stopped after he got up, ran to the bathroom and vomited. OWNED. Is it strange that I find it incredibly cute that my two Asian guy friends got my sweet 6′2″ white boy so wasted that he vomited? Again, no action below the waist, but we had both blacked out. This morning, we had to recount the whole night in order to determine that we didn’t have sex. Hilarious/ridiculous/irresponsible, but whatever. I’m young, and it was my birthday.

Speaking of being irresponsible, I was so drunk after pregaming at my place that I forgot to bring my keys out with me, so I was locked out of my apartment for 15 minutes this morning wearing last night’s clothes. FML. When my neighbor let me in, the first thing she said to me was, “WOW. I’ve never seen a more obvious Walk of Shame in my life.” Owned, yet again.

I did the Walk of Shame this morning.

Last night was my first weekend date with B.  I believe that people are most selfish in their 20’s–that’s why no one wants to commit, share things or settle down at this age. I think it’s a big deal to give up a Saturday night for only one person. Therefore, Saturday night dates are, well, kind of a big deal.

He took a cab from his place in Russian Hill to my place in Pac Heights, and took me to Butterfly in the Embarcadero. He could have asked me to meet him by the water, but the fact that he went the opposite direction to pick me up in a cab makes a huge impression on me. That is such an inconvenient but sweet thing for him to do.

We started off the night with cocktails at the bar of the restaurant, then had dinner which was accompanied by two additional beers for him and a glass of wine for me. We then went to a bar along the piers where we both had another drink. Then, in the midst of a conversation about corny bars, we decided to go to the Tonga Room at the Fairmont because I’d never been. THIS PLACE IS THE SINGLE MOST BRILLIANT BAR I’VE EVER BEEN TO. I can’t believe I’d never been before. We shared one of those hilarious drinks with two long straws, and danced to Journey. It was so ridiculously corny and hilarious–absolutely perfect for a the “big” date. After Tonga Room, we went to Top of the Mark for martinis. I feel very comfortable with him. We held hands the whole night, and we freaking danced to Journey and he twirled me around. Hilarious.

At about midnight, we realized that we were both drunk, so we decided to cab back to his place to hang out. In my head, I wondered if he was expecting to bone me. I mean, what else do young adults do when they go back to their date’s place to “hang out”?

We got to his place and immediately headed for his room, where I fell into his bed and got under the sheets because I was tired. I took off my dress and put on one of his shirts. He took off his shirt too, and leaned in to kiss me. I said no. He smiled, kissed my forehead, and we cuddled and fell asleep. He kept his hands in reasonable places, and didn’t try to kiss me again. We kept waking up in the middle of the night to learn more about each other and to laugh at how ridiculous the Tonga Room was. I stayed in his arms the whooollle night, and it felt great. There was no awkwardness this morning–he gave me a big bear hug, and I went home.

He was in my neighborhood later in the day, so we met up for dinner and then went to the park to see who could hula hoop the longest. We talked openly about how I wasn’t ready to fool around. He was completely understanding and supportive about this, and to be honest, that makes me want to make out with him.

I’m now sitting in my room, staring at two hula hoops: one pink, one blue. Kind of cute. I dig him a lot. I’m really interested to see what my friends will have to say about him when they meet him next weekend.

To be continued, to be continued!

I am nervous. Tonight is the first night that B and I are going out on a weekend night–it’s the first time that we’re not rushing out of the office to see each other or hurrying to get home at a reasonable hour.

No inhibitions here! I hope he kisses me.

Will I go home with him? Will he go home with me? Will we even kiss? Will I hate him by the end of the night?

Stay tuned, kiddos!

Dude? Second date last night was money in the bank. I left work for about 3 hours to have dinner with B and discovered a lot more about him. He is so money. I am really digging the surfer thing he has going on.

This morning, he IMed me and said, “You know..we should start hanging out more on weekends.” I laughed and immediately sent him this e-card: http://www.someecards.com/card/id-like-to-elevate-you-from-a#

He loved it. I’m so clever. I know.

Due to a few epically long and shitty days at work, I hit my breaking point today and left the office for an hour to cry at Union Square. Yea. I’m a total loser, and a crier too. He left his office, met me there, and let me vent about my week. I mean, the dude isn’t even my boyfriend, and he’s been checking up on me all week to make sure that I remember to eat (I don’t eat when I’m overwhelmed with work) and if I don’t have time to grab food, insists on dropping food off for me. He leaves his office to make sure I’m okay. Keep in mind, I’ve been seeing him for a little over a week. Can he stop being so nice? Ahhhh!

Anyway, he’s leaving for New York from Sunday until Wednesday, so I won’t be able to see him for a bit. Bummer. I really dig him.

I wonder if there’s anything wrong with him. Still trying to figure that out. So far, I don’t see anything, but everyone has skeletons in their closet.

So tired. Peace.

I’m pissed.  I usually reserve my Monday nights before I pass out to illegally stream the previous Entourage episode.  You can imagine how angry I am when I’m met with the news that no new Entourage episode aired on Sunday.  What a bummer.  Now I can’t sleep.  This past labor day weekend allowed me to catch up on a lot of sleep.  I didn’t get hammered this weekend.  It’s a weird feeling when a day that’s meant to be a buffer day turns out to be normal.  I just end up going to ClubSport and kill time with a few laps in the pool and laying out in the sun sometimes feeling slightly uncomfortable because I really shouldn’t be feeling like I’m on vacation 24/7.

I haven’t posted at all since I moved back.  I needed a break from everything and it’s been 4 solid months before I finally got the itch.  I’m working on my “public” blog right now but honestly, blogging is hard to do when you’re not being honest.  A blogger tends to have no shame and enjoy showboating their knowledge to the public.  I’m the total opposite.  I just like to blog when real things happen to me which unfortunately always include something very un-PC and laced with person and bizarre stories.  This is why I like this blog.  I know my identity isn’t hidden well but it feels less official to me.  That way, I can treat it like a real journal without all the censoring crap added with a sense of insecurity.  We’ll see how that public blog goes, but to be honest, I’m not going to beat around the bush and try to make something that isn’t going to work in the long run.

These past few months have been a mix of self reflection, slight detox (although I feel like I’ve been drinking more here than in Chicago), and an overall personal vacation.  Being back in the bay, in terms of my mood, has truly changed my life.  The weather is a prime example of how much one’s mood can easily be effected by something so natural and normal.  It’s also nice to be away from a set culture that I was clearly losing interest in after 6 years.  However, as you can see from me updating this blog, my personal life hasn’t changed much.  I’m still single, still experiencing interesting things, and still in limbo with life.

In terms of friendships, I’ve definitely filtered out some people that I’ve been yearning to take a breather from.  As much as I love my Chicago friends, I needed a break.  Their risk adverse personalities began to drive me insane and I needed something new.  I started to feel claustrophobic.  Since coming back, me and thebusdriver as well as darla have been going out almost every weekend for literally 2 months straight.  It was intense and way more entertainment than I had expected.   I was getting wasted almost every weekend and also driving home from SF to fremont every night.  Bad idea.  I even almost got a DUI one night because I was swerving on the highway while I was texting at 3am.  What a fucking ritard I was.  Luckily I passed all 3 tests given to me.  I could easily say it was one of the most frightening moments of my life where I realized at any second, everything could change.  Thankfully I learned my lesson and avoid doing stupid things like that moving forward.  Either way, going out has been a blast.  In many ways, I’ve learned more about the dynamics of being in a real friendship where there are no holds barred.  Literally.  Our personalities mixed together results to a completely nuclear outcome that create incredible yet sometimes tragic stories.  Either way, memories are made and laughter is created at a nearly consistent level.  Oh well, I’m 24, right?  How long can I get away with this before I have to grow up?

In terms of girls, shit hasn’t changed yet.  I’m still as awkward, insecure, completely clueless, and picky as always.  SF is a different animal.  People seem to be more cliqy and the girls are definetely more attractive then I’m used to.  Thus, you get stuck in a position where you feel like either you’re not good enough, or you’re better than everyone else.  Either way, it’s an unhealthy and ridiculous position to be in.  Unfortunately, my experiences have been sub par to say the least.  From the experiences I remember, I’ve been getting owned to the max by choosing girls that all happen to have boyfriends.  People are fucking all about settling down here and it totally blows.  Everytime I’ve spotted someone interesting or attractive, they end up having a boyfriend.  Even at work, it’s something I still need to get used to.  Coming from the agency life, where the entry level workforce was equivalent to a study abroad group or co-ed fraternity, made it hard to adjust to working for a publisher, where the age groups of co-workers are less segmented.  No longer were there groups of out of college, naive, and wide eyed girls willing to hit up happy hours to build friendships because they were “new to the city.”  Instead, newlyweds, long term relationships, and mounds of extra curricular activities took over the lives of my peers.

Shit’s different now.  I found myself reconnecting with the past more than discovering the future.  I guess that’s what moving back does to people.  But it’s nice.  Parts of it works for me; as I’m more mellow now and tend to prefer being outdoors over huddling near my computer.  The thing is, I still don’t have an eager drive to want to find someone.  It also comes both ways, Ias I have yet to experience someone coming toward me instead of the other way around.  The pain comes from knowing exactly what I want and knowing it’s not easily accessible.  On top of that, fearful of settling for less….even if it will take me several years to find it.  I’ve been through enough experiences to be able to draw a clearcut picture of what I want.  Even when my mom tries to throw in a few candidates I still raise my voice at her and say, “you know what kind I go for, I’ve been so clear, how can you be so off?”

Love is rough though; but I’ve grown to become envious of it.  Coming back from a wedding a few weeks ago in Chicago, I rediscovered my pursuit for real love.  This was witnessed in the raw energy from both the bride and groom.  The wedding was real; unlike the previous wedding I attended where I felt like the wedding planner was more inline with the festivities than the bride and groom.  This wedding was modest, shameless, and picture perfect in every way.  A room filled with 80 of their closest friends and family left it feeling intimate.  No longer was the bride walking around performing photo-ops to the point where she was too busy to talk and have real conversations.  Instead, she was genuine, stopping to converse with me about old times and laugh about inside jokes.  My ex co-worker, whom I befriended the 2nd week of work is a true gem and deserves the best from this marriage.  They had both met each other on match.com.  Jokes aside, it worked, and they became completely immersed in each others lives in a quick 6 months.  The man knew what he wanted.  He married her in barely a year.  That’s love.  That immediate feeling of “I NEED TO HAVE HER IN MY LIFE.”  That’s what I yearn for.  Throughout the wedding, stories were told about the most minor details of their relationship.  They pay attention to each other and most importantly, they sacrificed a lot for each other.  That was very meaningful to me.

It ended up making me feel amateur.

So in the meantime, I’m cleaning up my shit right now.  I have everything I need to be close to living a picture perfect life: an awesome job, a good family, my first very own car, and solid friends.  However, I know there’s more and that this is just one of those years where I re-organize; much like moving around furniture or cleaning your closet.

I’m trying two things outside of my comfort zone.

Someone I considered dating before I entered a commitment with Shoes found out that I was single again, so he wasted no time in asking me out. We were supposed to have dinner this week, but I’m not in San Francisco right now, and I’m not in the right state of mind. Next week it is. I never really had a crush on this guy, but it was one of those things where I know I could end up really liking him, of only I could grow the hell up. This dude is 10 years older than me, has my dream credentials and is possibly one of the funniest guys I’ve ever met. The thing is, I actually don’t like that he’s 10 years older than me. I think that 3 years is my cut off point.  We have a lot in common, but man, 10 years older..that’s just too much for me.

Regardless, I figure that it wouldn’t hurt for me to step out of my comfort zone and hang out with him. I can tell you that if he tries to kiss me on the first date, I will never ever speak to him again.

The second dude: I recently did some freelance PR work for an hip ad agency in SF, and the account lead was a super funny, down to earth, cute guy. The whole time we were brainstorming, we were oohing and aahing over my new Mac, so I knew he was cool right away. We were also both wearing glasses – black, plastic rimmed glasses. Oh, and he was wearing a plaid t-shirt and converses. We were in Advertising/PR stereotype hell.

Anyway, there wasn’t any flirting, but I definitely thought he was a cutie, and shit, he was fun to work with. Oh yea, he’s 3 years older than me, so that’s a plus.

I didn’t think about it for the last few weeks, but today, my former colleague emailed me saying, “A little birdie told me that he thinks you’re cute, smart and funny. He’s interested in you. Say yes when he asks you out.” And then she proceeded to spell out the first three letters of his agency. First off, I don’t know what’s been in the waters lately, but I’ve hardly been interested in white men over the last few years–EXCEPT for the last three weeks.

This type of attention is nice, especially after a particularly heart-wrenching breakup. When you’re feeling your lowest, it never hurts to be reminded that yes, you are still desirable, and yes, some men do appreciate your snarkiness and think it’s funny rather than mean. Thing is, I’m not ready to date–for God’s sake, I’m trying to move out of the freaking state because I’m sad. So, what’s the point? Why bother wasting Mr. 30 and Ad Boy’s time (that’s what I’ll call them).

I am most definitely not looking for love, but for one reason or another, these dudes have come out of the woodwork for me lately. I am almost forcing myself to date, because I’ve never been much of a dater in the past. I’ve been a serial/professional girlfriend. I suppose that now, I’m just trying to live the way other 23 year olds live.