Why Our Chilren Are Not with Us ~ Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation Awareness - Texas Chapter - Bubbles of Love Event

2012-02-05T12:10:00.002-06:00

Parental Alienation involves the manipulation of children, via a set of behaviors,
resulting in the destruction of a loving and warm relationship they once shared with a parent. Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive parenting deprives children of their right to share love with both of their parents. Although Parental Alienation is a global epidemic, most people do not know about Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting until they experience it.

Parental Alienation Awareness Organization (PAAO) educates the public and professionals about prevention of, and responses to, Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting by offering seminars, conferences and meetings as well as by collecting and disseminating information on these topics. The North Texas Chapter of PAAO works to create local awareness and education, as well as coordinate the annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day & Bubbles of LOVE Day event every April 25th.

The PAAO North Texas Chapter welcomes anyone who has been affected by Parental Alienation or who wants to be involved in awareness, education, prevention and remedies of Parental Alienation. Please join us to find out how the PAAO North Texas Chapter makes a difference in the lives of those affected by Parental Alienation by offering awareness and education and how you can be a part of it.

For more information contact Wendy Archer and please visit…

Facebook Group “Parental Alienation Awareness Organization North Texas Chapter”
Facebook Event “Bubbles of LOVE Day DFW!”
YouTube Channel “pasfighter”
Parental Alienation Awareness Organization at www.paawareness.org

Contact: Wendy Archer
wendyarcher@rocketmail.com or 817-991-6058

Thursday February 9, 2012
7:00pm
Whites Chapel United Methodist Church
185 S. White Chapel Blvd
Adult Education Building Room 3201
Southlake TX 76092

Dr. Lorandos provides general overview of PAS

2012-01-29T13:42:00.000-06:00

You can share with family and friends who don't understand Parental Alienation...

In the video, Dr. Lorandos provides a general overview of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Be blessed.

Dr. Lorandos General Overview of PAS - VIDEO

Holidays without our kids

2011-12-30T17:00:00.001-06:00

No doubt that it's tough for parents to spend yet another holiday season without their beloved children. God's in charge, try to remember. For the most part, our kids aren't doing too bad. They are being cared for, maybe not how we would care for them, but THEY ARE OKAY!

It may bring sadness to our hearts but remember, it's the CHILDREN that suffer. This should bring an opportunity for you to remember the good times you had with your child (or children) and send out some prayers for them and their captors.

If you have contact, wish them well & happy holidays. Ask no questions. Send a short email to them letting them know how much fun you've had with family over the holidays & let them know they're always welcome to share. You might send just a picture with a Merry Christmas etc. (short & sweet$. There's a possibility that you can create a personal video (short, sweet, POSITIVE) and mark it so that no one can see it unless they have the link then email it to them.

Live your life and give thanks for what you have. Happy holidays & may you be blessed through the new year!

Sharing

2011-12-23T23:57:00.001-06:00

When my husband and I split, we vowed to keep a relationship of love for our child. We came up with the idea of SHARING THE LOVE. since we were to live apart, we felt it was important to know that our son knew we loved him with all our heart!

We had to all SHARE our love. When our child went to daddy's house, mommy had to share. When our son went to mommy's house, daddy had to SHARE. Our son had to SHARE his love with each of us at separate times. This worked out fabulously and our son was taught that you Dan never have too many people loving you.

So, I urge you to SHARE the love too. Tell your children that it's everyone's job to SHARE THE LOVE.
Merry Christmas! share the love with as many people as you can this holiday season and the whole year through!

The Narcissistic Alienating Parent by C.A. Childress, Psy.D. (2011)

2011-11-03T10:25:00.000-05:00

Parental Alienation as an Expression of Domestic Violence:

The Narcissistic Personality in High-Conflict Divorce
C.A. Childress, Psy.D. (2011)

Domestic violence is embedded in a broader interpersonal context of control, power, and domination.

These same interpersonal features of control, power, and domination also find expression within the parental alienation process through the narcissistically organized psychopathology of the alienating parent (involving a “mixed” Personality Disorder presentation that also includes additional Borderline and Paranoid features). Based on the clinical presentation of parental alienation processes, it is my view that parental alienation represents a variant of domestic violence, but instead of using fists to batter the targeted victim, the abuser in parental alienation uses the child; uses the love that the targeted parent shares with the child, to inflict intense and severe suffering on the targeted-victimized spouse-as-parent.

The Narcissistic Alienating Parent:

“How dare you leave me (i.e., narcissistic injury). How dare you not appreciate my wonderfulness (i.e., narcissistic grandiosity). You’ll be sorry (narcissistic rage). I’ll hurt you using what you most love in all the world, the love you share with your children.”

“I won’t be the abandoned one (i.e., Borderline Personality Disorder process; a primal fear of abandonment), you’ll be the abandoned one (the projected fear of abandonment). You’ll be abandoned by your own children — you’ll suffer — but they will never abandon me. You’ll be sorry you left me. You’ll suffer. And you deserve to suffer (narcissistic injury and rage) because you didn’t appreciate my wonderfulness (narcissistic grandiosity).”

The lack of empathy of the alienating-pathological parent (lack of empathy is a key symptom feature of narcissism – criterion 7) allows that parent to use the child as a weapon (exploitation of others in the service of one’s own needs is another key symptom feature of narcissism- criterion 6) to emotionally batter the targeted-victimized parent in the most brutal of ways, by taking away the love shared between the targeted parent and the child, and – most heart wrenching of all – doing so by inducing the child (control-power-domination) to enact the rejection-abandonment toward the other parent; the targeted-victimized spouse.

The narcissist feels no empathy for the targeted parent, but even more importantly, the narcissistic parent feels no empathy for the child. Empathy is an impossibility for the narcissist. The narcissist’s fundamental and inherent lack of empathy is the key feature that allows the narcissistic parent to “exploit” the child as a weapon of revenge and retaliation.

Control, power, domination… and cruelty… are the hallmarks of the alienation process; as the alienating parent uses a “weapon” that inflicts far more brutal suffering on the spouse than the mere physical pain of a beating; a lifetime of irrevocable pain and loss, inflicted on the victimized spouse-as-parent by the beloved child.

The parental alienation process is most definitely a variant of domestic violence, a manifestation of the narcissistically organized psychopathology of the alienating parent.

Stories of Why Our Child(ren) Are Not With Us: How about this, ever said, "What I buy you, STAYS ...

2011-10-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

Stories of Why Our Child(ren) Are Not With Us: How about this, ever said, "What I buy you, STAYS ...: How about this, ever said, "What I buy you, STAYS AT OUR HOUSE!"? Well, think of the child. You bought them something, it's for them, yet...

2011-10-03T10:17:00.000-05:00

How about this, ever said, "What I buy you, STAYS AT OUR HOUSE!"?

Well, think of the child. You bought them something, it's for them, yet they can only utilize it at one parent's home, clearly leaving the child with an idea that they are only worthy of this item in your presence....or even more hurtful, you've sent a message "I hate your dad and don't trust him, or you, so you can't take it over there cuz we'll never see it again and I've spent a lot of time and money getting this item for you and I will not see it taken away, lost or thrown out because he hates me too"

Yup, you're kids are smart! When they're old enough, they should have already been taught the value of a dollar and the importance of gifts, expensive or otherwise. Relinquish control! Talk to the child about whether they'd like to take it to the other parent's house. Let them know that they can do so if they choose, and guide them to taking responsibility for the item.

Better yet, converse with the OTHER PARENT! I've bought our child a gift. I'm letting our child take this gift to your home and back and forth if he/she chooses to do so. I think it's a big step in showing our trust in our child and hopefully we can work together to make sure the item is taken care of.

We have no control over whether our children will actually care for an item we give them. They will lose and break Legos, they will lose or break Dolls, they will lose or break mp3 players. We cannot always blame the other parent.

So let's be grown up, take the kids out of the equation, give out of love. Release the gift, out of love and just LOVE your child unconditionally....give....Unconditionally.

Could YOU be an alienator!??! Learn how NOT to behave improperly

2010-12-12T23:42:00.000-06:00

Are you an alienating parent?

You might be an alienating parent if you:

Allow the child to talk negatively or disrespectfully about the other parent.
Set up tempting alternatives that would interfere with the other parent's time with the child.
Give the child decision-making power about spending time with the other parent when no choice exists.
Act hurt and betrayed if the child shows any positive feelings towards the other parent.
Use the child as a courier, messenger or spy.
Ask the child to lie to the other parent or betray the parent's trust in the child.
Share the details of the divorce settlement with the child.
Go without dinner and then tell the child the other parent didn't give you enough money for everyone to eat dinner.
Let the other parent worry needlessly about the child.
Infringe on the other parent's time with excessive phone calls or scheduled activities.
If you are concerned that your behavior might make you an alienating parent, ask yourself this question:

"Did I act this way before the divorce or separation?"
For example, an alienating parent may tell the other parent he or she can't see the child because the child has a cold. But before your divorce or separation, did you quarantine your child from the other parent over a cold?

An alienating parent may tell the other parent the child can't come to the phone because he or she is doing homework, watching television or playing with a friend. But when the other parent called home and asked to speak to the busy child before your divorce or separation, did you occasionally ask, "Want me to put him/her on anyway?"

Finally, an alienating parent will often call the child when the child is with the other parent and ask the child if he or she is okay - sending the child the message that the other parent isn't up to the task of caring for him or her. But when the other parent was spending time alone with the child before your divorce or separation, did you call the child repeatedly and ask, "Are you okay? Are you sure you're okay? You'd tell me if you weren't okay, wouldn't you?"

Don't engage in alienating behavior and become a bad punch line. Your children deserve better. So do you.
Jeff Opperman is a writer living in Seymour, Connecticut. He is the author of "Hugs to Heartbreak: A parent's journey through Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation

2010-12-12T23:27:00.000-06:00

‎1) A CAMPAIGN OF DENIGRATION - Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.

2) WEAK, FRIVOLOUS, & ABSURD RATIONALISATIONS - When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.

3) LACK OF AMBIVALENCE ABOUT THE ALIENATING PARENT - Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just... one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.

‎4) THE “INDEPENDENT THINKER” PHENOMENON - Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.

‎5) ABSENCE OF GUILT ABOUT THE TREATMENT OF THE TARGETED PARENT - Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.

6) REFLEXIVE SUPPORT FOR THE ALIENATING PARENT IN PARENTAL CONFLICT - Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.

‎7) PRESENCE OF BORROWED SCENARIOS - Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.

8) REJECTION OF EXTENDED FAMILY - Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.

What is Parental Alienation - & What does it Look Like

2010-03-28T18:58:00.000-05:00

Parental alienation consists of one or more of a group of behaviors that are damaging to children's mental and emotional well-being, and often involves interference with the relationship between children and either or both of their parents. These behaviors can most often accompany separations and divorces, and divorce-like situations, such as children born out of wedlock, but also can be evidenced within high conflict marriages.

With awareness of the problem comes education, and with education, comes the power to stop most of the abuse of young, impressionable, easily manipulated children, and to help repair many of the damaged family relationships. Our primary role is to spread that needed awareness, and we would like your help to get it done.

HERE'S WHAT IT MAY LOOK LIKE:

~ The child denigrates the alienated parent with foul language and severe oppositional behavior.

~ The child offers weak, absurd, or frivolous reasons for his anger.

~ The child is sure of himself and doesn't demonstrate ambivalence, i.e. love and hate for the alienated parent, only hate.

~ The child exhorts that he alone came up with ideas of denigration. The "independent- thinker" phenomenon is where the child asserts that no one told him to do this.

~ The child supports and feels a need to protect the alienating parent.

~ The child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent.

~ The child uses borrowed scenarios, or vividly describes situations that he could not have experienced.

~ Animosity is spread to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated parent.

~ In severe cases of parent alienation, the child is utterly brain-washed against the alienated parent. The alienating parent can truthfully say that the child doesn't want to spend any time with the other parent.

~ When told that the child MUST spend time with the other parent, the alienator typically responds, "There isn't anything I can do about it. he just doesn't want to be with you."

Sadly, this happened to me, and even worse, to my son. I have no hate or animosity towards my son or his father or step mother. I pray daily and have hope that God will bring my son to a peaceful point in his life so he will wish to reconnect with me and the wonderful life I'm blessed with...my new family, all of whom are anxious to meet the precious son I miss so much. I don't want to confront or discuss the situation. I want to share the incredible peace and happiness with the gift God gave me in 1991. love love love to you my son. ~ma

...in the beginning

2010-03-20T19:57:00.000-05:00

In the beginning, I was married at 21, my husband 22. It was 7 yrs until we had our son. Our son had just turned 2 the month after I left. My ex and I managed to be amicable for years and did quite a few things together with our son because we were family. We shared the belief that the three of us, me, my ex and our son, had to SHARE THE LOVE. Basically, meaning we had to take turns with each other and share one another. It worked wonderfully.....for a few years....

After a quite a few years of dating women here and there, my ex husband got to know one of my son's daycare teachers a bit better. I had spoken to her many times and saw that she enjoyed being with the children. I'd met her husband too when he showed up at the school a few times. She also had a son that went to the daycare center. She mentioned to me, on a few occassions, that she and her husband were trying to work out their marriage for the umpteenth time. Just chit-chat and smiles... all good.

She and my ex started hanging out and she eventually left her husband, moved in with my ex. My ex sent her flowers to the daycare center and I remember telling her that he really cares for her to send her flowers without regard to special occassions. She and I shared a few stories, and I think it made my ex uncomfortable so we limited conversations as it pertained to our children...who were spending a LOT of time together now and relating to each other as "brothers" and my son began calling her "mommy".

I began to feel uncomfortable, as if she was honing into my territory as a mother. She got her divorce, finally. Then she and my ex harrassed her ex to the point where he gave up parental rights to THEIR son. She was making things so difficult, apparently the father couldn't stand it any more and felt the only way to stop the chaos for his son was to let go. My ex adopted her son and the child was no longer allowed to see his real father.

One of the first things I remember about her, when she started to take hold of my family, was when my son was six. She and my ex were early in their dating and she had taken my son into the office of the daycare and told my son, "The reason your mommy and daddy are not together anymore is because she slept with another man." When I picked my son up from daycare he told me right away. I raced to my ex's house and had my son tell his father what he was told. I could see the blood rush from my ex's face. He was shocked and told me he'd take care of it. We talked about how much work we've done to make the relationship work for the three of us and concurred with one another that our son would always know we love each other but not like married couples do. This was the first thing I saw that made me believe she was on a mission, call it mother's intuition, most probably!