Storm Clouds and Wind Chimes

Will America Face Another Civil War? An Opinion in Response to That Question

2011-12-12T04:40:00.000-08:00

Will America Face Another Civil War? An Opinion in Response to That Question

How Can We Deal With Regrets In A Way That Makes Them Less Painful?

2011-11-15T02:22:00.000-08:00

How Can We Deal With Regrets In A Way That Makes Them Less Painful?

Positive Thinking, Negative Thinking - A Personal Discussion About What Too Few People Understand

2011-11-11T02:40:00.000-08:00

Positive Thinking, Negative Thinking - A Personal Discussion About What Too Few People Understand

Positive thinking is something that's often either misunderstood, not completely understood, or misinterpreted by others who form opinions about whether someone else thinks positively or negatively. This is a "personal analysis" of the things that can factor into a person's life or thinking that can either change the nature of, or just the appearance, of positive-thinking in that individual.

October Storm - A Poem

2011-11-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

October Storm - A Poem

This is a poem about storms that come too early. The storms in question may be of the meteorological-event variety or of the "life-storms" variety. Although the storms and consequences may be of very different natures, storms that occur too early in a "season" can bring more damage than they would have had they occurred when the time was more "right".

Laughter and Stress

2011-09-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

When we live under stress our bodies and brain chemicals live in a state of response to that stress. The adrenal gland secretes higher levels of cortisol in order to allow us to meet the challenges of stress, but elevated cortisol levels are also associated with elevated blood pressure, as well as elevated blood-sugar levels. Under stress our immune system is suppressed. Under too much stress for too long the adrenal gland can "run out of juices" and no longer be able to secrete what is needed to function under, and deal with, the stressful situation. Stress causes higher levels of epinephrine, which is responsible for more platelet production (which can be responsible for clogging arteries). There are a number of other changes our bodies undergo under stress, but there are a number of ways that laughter produces positive changes in our bodies and brain chemistry.

Research has shown that laughter alters our brain chemicals. It results in higher levels of endorphins, which make us feel better. It also results in lowering cortisol levels and blood pressure. Research has shown a number of other ways in which laughter positively affects our bodies as well.

Aside from physical benefits (and its always a physical benefit to reduce a stress a response, even for a while); there is the fact that when we are under a lot of stress and something makes us laugh we get the chance - if only just for a few seconds - to rest our minds from what is bothering us and allow our thinking to, instead, be focused on the humorous thing. It can seem to break up a never-ending cycle of thinking negatively and in stressed-out way, so that when we return to our negative thoughts we may feel we're starting just slightly anew. If we're stressed out because our business is going under or our spouse is leaving or our elderly parent is in the hospital a bout of laughter won't make the source of the stress go away. It can, however, give us just that tiny break from the oppressive stress while, at the same time, altering our brain chemicals, at least to some degree, in a positive way.

Giving Money to Beggars and Homeless People

2011-08-18T04:33:00.000-07:00

Giving Money to Beggars and Homeless People

Fighting Depression, Exhaustion Without Medication

2011-08-16T04:31:00.000-07:00

Fighting Depression, Exhaustion Without Medication

Reduce Stress Without Drugs

2011-06-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

Reduce Stress Without Drugs

Why Some Relationships Don't Last

2011-06-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

Why Some Relationships Don't Last

Is It Normal for A Couple Married Five Years or More to Disagree on Family Budget?

2011-06-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

Is It Normal for A Couple Married Five Years or More to Disagree on Family Budget?

When you have a bad feeling that something is going to happen...

2011-04-19T15:17:00.000-07:00

When you have a bad feeling that something is going to happen...

Beating The Work From Home Blahs

2010-07-31T03:33:00.000-07:00

Beating The Work From Home Blahs

When Stress, Worrying, and Too Much Thinking Becomes Overwhelming

2010-07-30T01:53:00.000-07:00

When Stress, Worrying, and Too Much Thinking Becomes Overwhelming

Throwing Things Out Versus Saving Things

2010-07-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

Throwing Things Out Versus Saving Things

Thoughts on Ways to Reduce Stress

2009-12-03T08:38:00.000-08:00

If the stress is caused by worries over something I clear my mind by taking each issue, one at a time, and asking, "Is this something I can do anything about today?" If it's something I can do something about today I do whatever it is I am able to do. If, for some reason, I can't do something about it today but can do something about it another day, I'll add it to a list of things to be done.

If there's nothing I can about a problem I sometimes "file" it in my "mental file" of worries that are "for a day when I can do something about it".

Once I've done my "basic sorting" of stressful thoughts, I'll do one or more of the following things:

1. Decide to take a "mental break" and find something to do that isn't very demanding but that keeps my thoughts off my stress. Sometimes I'll write something that is completely unrelated to anything about which I usually think. This sounds silly, but I occasionally go a dollmaking sites, make a bunch of "dolls", and then save them - as if I'm ever going to look at them again

2. Get out and just get some fresh air.

3. Go out for a cup of coffee (with a lot of cream and one sugar) at a place that has outdoor tables, where I can just sit, relax, and maybe listen to music. If you don't drink coffee get tea or a small salad and a bottle of water.

4. Be out when the sun is setting and the sky is breathtakingly beautiful. (Who can stay stressed out when the sky is light mauve and pink?)

5. Light my wax-tart burner with a tart that has one of my favorite scents.

6. Take a shower, do my nails, and put on an outfit that just feels good to wear.

7. Have a half a glass of wine.

8. Find something on television that will make me laugh.

9. Go out with someone, talk, and laugh.

10. Make it a point to turn down the lights late at night, put my favorite music on, and listen to it for at least a half hour.

11. Eat a tuna salad sub (or at least half of one) and have a Coke with it. (Tuna has actually been found to help make depressed people feel better; but I figured that out a long time ago when I discovered the a tuna sub helped calm frayed nerves.)

12. Organize computer files and clear out the ones I don't need.

13. Go to a store and buy a couple of inexpensive things to brighten my day. It could be a couple of new, cheerful, mugs; a small plant, or some new placemats. It just has to be something that's cheerful, pretty, or both.

14. Go online and buy something (usually more expensive than those mugs from the dollar store, I have to admit). Ordering something online is fun when I do it, but it also gives me something to look forward arriving in a few days. Then, too, it opens up possibilities of looking online for reviews, items to go with the thing I bought, or generally just reading about what will be showing up at my door in a few days.

15. "The Ultimate Combo" - Make a giant pot of coffee, light the tart-burner, and plan to drink the whole pot of coffee (with lots and lots of cream in each cup; I think the fat in the cream is calming) while listening to two or more hours of my favorite music. (Sure, I know there’s the caffeine matter, but the light-not-strong-coffee-with-one-sugar does seem to work for me.)

Why So Many Women Are "Fat" (Someone Else's Word - Not Mine)

2009-11-04T20:25:00.000-08:00

Why So Many Women Are "Fat" (Someone Else's Word - Not Mine)

Dealing With Your Emotional Pain

2009-04-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

Dealing With Your Emotional Pain

How To Learn The Most From Your Personal Life Lessons

2009-03-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

How To Learn The Most From Your Personal Life Lessons

Does Something Good Always Come Out Of Something Bad?

2009-03-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

Does Something Good Always Come Out Of Something Bad?

On Saying, "Stop Making Excuses" (or Hearing It)

2008-12-17T06:59:00.000-08:00

"Stop making excuses," is an admonishment people seem to love to say and love to hear spoken to others. These are words generally aimed at other people - seldom ourselves. When television and radio psychologists, money experts, and other professional utter these words viewers and listeners decide they admire the person who speaks them. Studio audiences cheer. "Stop making excuses," however, are words that must be used very, very, cautiously; because these words are sometimes not the words of wisdom, but the words of ignorance.

Most of us learned "stop making excuses" when we were kids. Maybe a parent asked us why we didn't come home in time for dinner, and our answer was something like, "I was talking with my friend and didn't know what time it was." In our hearts we knew we making up an excuse, so when parents saw it for what it was we also knew they were right.

In the 1970's self-help books seemed to come into their own in popularity. These "change-your-thinking" books had their points, but often fostered the blanket notion that everyone's unhappiness is his own fault. In the 1980's our culture saw a rise a television and radio professionals, who also struck a note of correctness in their talk about how so many problems are the sufferer's own fault.

("Your husband is an alcoholic? Kick him out." "Your teenager is on drugs? Kick her out." "Your weight makes you unhappy? Lose it, you loser!" "Your mother criticizes you relentlessly? Get her our of your life.") These simple answer certainly point out one way to solve one's problems, but life isn't that simple.

The woman with the alcoholic husband may know that her husband slipped, unintentionally, into addiction. She may know he is a decent man who has been through awful things in life. She may care about him and know that if she kicks him out he'll end up in the street. She may know he isn't the kind of alcoholic who beats family members or throws televisions out the window. She may believe that "in sickness and in health" meant something. Could this woman solve her own unhappiness by kicking out the "inconvenient" husband? Sure. Is saying, "That's not something I can do," an excuse? No. It is a reason, and it may even be good reason. It is not "just an excuse".

The parent with the teenager on drugs may know the same kind of things. The teen may be a very decent kid who experimented too young and got himself in trouble. He could be a kid who has never had much self-esteem (maybe because he's had to struggle in school or maybe because he has a physical appearance over which peers have teased him relentlessly). A parent may know that his child is generally a very kind, decent, kid who has gotten himself in too deep too young. This parent may know his child has no place to go and may believe if he hangs in there long enough he'll get his child through the troubled waters. Again, is it an "excuse" for a parent to want to stand by his child and try to get him through the rough spots? No. It is a reason and a good one. In fact, I knew someone who had a daughter who was acting up, and this mother was badgered by friends, family, and even experts about "kicking out" her teenage daughter. This woman stuck it out, and her daughter got through it. This was a mother who used to say, "I just know if I kick her out that will be it. I know what happens if they end up on the streets."

The person with the weight problem may be battling his own chemistry. This could be a person under extreme stress, and when people live under extreme stress their body demands more high-energy foods. Such people feel weak and tired if they don't meet their body's demands for extra calories/fat, and the person who must keep going rather than just go sit on the couch cannot keep going without meeting his body's call for high-energy foods. This overweight person may hate himself for his "inability to exercise self-control", but the other side of that is that this person IS exercising self-control when he decides to keep going and sacrifice his abs (and even health), because grown-up, well adjusted, people keep going no matter what it takes to do that. Hitting the couch is for kids and the emotionally struggling. It is not what generally healthy adults do.

With regard to the example of the criticizing mother, getting that mother out of her life would certainly solve the problem for the daughter. Again, though, she may love her mother. Her mother may otherwise be a very caring person. Is it such a bad "excuse" for that daughter to want to try to maintain some relationship with the mother about whom she does care?

Sometimes the words, "Stop making excuses," are just too simple and shallow. Sometimes, too, those words can actually be a matter of advising people to run away (or kick out) problems that - really - would be best addressed, even though addressing them takes a lot of struggle, time, and even willingness to be unhappy.

Then there is the matter of children and excuses. There's no doubt about it children make excuses. With children, though, the matter of whether something is an excuse or a legitimate reason can be even more complicated. Sometimes, too, children, themselves, don't even realize that they had a legitimate reason that caused them to need to think up an excuse. At other times, good parenting may require understanding some excuses.

Here are some examples of how excuses and reasons can become confused when kids are involved: A fifteen-year-old may have two history chapters to read for homework. She may vow to get her homework done, but each time she tries to read those chapters she discovers she isn't paying attention to the words. She may try to get what those words mean, only to continue to discover that they're just not sinking in. After a few tries she decides she just do this particular homework.

The problem could be that she is tired and having trouble concentrating. She could be under general stress in life and school, but it may only affect her functioning on things like reading long pages. She may even have a bad case of PMS. In any event, she doesn't complete the assignment.

When the teacher discovers she can't answer questions (or pass a quiz) when the time comes she is asked if she read the book. She can choose to say, "I did not read it, and I have no excuse." This, of course, may or may not sit well with the teacher, depending on whether the teacher values honesty or wants someone to "at least respect her enough to make up an excuse." What this teenager may not realize is she does have a good reason. If she's been living stressed out or has some other circumstances that affected her ability to concentrate, there wasn't anything she could do to be able to concentrate that evening. If this girl's parents ask her why she didn't do her homework she truly may not have an understanding of what caused the difficulty concentrating, so she may actually make up an excuse like, "I felt sick," or "I was too tired because I had dancing that day."

In this example, there is even the chance that book was just out-and-out boring and torture to the point of causing inability to concentrate on it. If this teenager is someone who leans toward math, it could just be too much for her to be able to force herself to concentrate on a particularly boring history book. If this young woman says, "It was too boring," someone will surely call that an "excuse". If she tried and tried and found she couldn't make herself concentrate that's not an excuse. It's reality.

On the other hand, there are times when a kid may be out with friends, having a good time, and stay too long to be able to do homework when they're not too tired to do it. This would be a case of emphasizing the excuse but not really having a good reason. To complicate this type of situation, though, one must consider that there are times when a teenager may be struggling with some sadness or difficulty in her life (it could be a "real" one or it could be the result of her perception of what is "a tragedy"). At times like this, there can be something healthy about a teen talking things out with the person or people to whom they most relate; so even in a case like this, there are times when a sensible choice or an emotional need may cause someone to make what looks like a careless judgment in the eyes of those who don't understand what's going on.

Over recent years our television screens and book stores features people who are not even trained psychologists, telling viewers and readers, "Stop making excuses for having too little money. Get up off the couch and go make some." The message they send is, "There's no excuse for not building wealth." It all sounds good - so good there are a whole lot of people who spend their hard-earned money for programs that would require them to have more nerve or less conscience than they may actually have. While some people may, in fact, have found ways to build their wealth by seeking out others' misfortune or risking bankruptcy or possibly legal problems, themselves; but not all people (for good or ill) have what it takes to "just decide to become wealthy."

We have radio talk show hosts and callers saying, "I did what I had to do to get my education and be making the big money I now make. Welfare people and others who complain about money problems should stop making excuses and get three jobs if they need to." While the world certainly has its people who don't bother, or don't know how, to "do what they need to do," the reality is that most people would "just do what they need to do" if they were able. There are internal and external circumstances that make getting the education, finding jobs, keeping jobs, and otherwise just doing what one needs to do difficult or impossible.

Sure, there are people from dirt-poor families who had the benefit of nurturing that allowed them to get into Harvard University. Not every person, however, has the benefit of solid (even if financially disadvantaged) parents. Sure, there are people who had drug addict, abusive, parents; but such people often have a "surrogate" parenting figure who provides the right nurturing. The particular combination of internal and external circumstances for any one person is never something about which others have a full understanding. Most of life's problems stem from relationships, education issues, money matters, stress, health problems, and addiction to one substance or another - and these aren't simple problems for those who have not experienced them to understand.

The difficulties of life have a way of intertwining and complicating things yet further. Sometimes things get so complicated even the person, himself, can't sort them out. The cigarette smoker who started smoking as a foolish kid may discover years later that cigarettes actually help him keep unbearable memories in check. He may discover that not smoking seems to unleash a Pandora's box of unbearable memories, and he may choose to risk his physical health in favor of preserving his mental health. The same can apply to people who use food, alcohol, or drugs to control (yes, control - not necessarily "escape from") unbearable thoughts. Health problems can affect mental health or relationships. Money problems can as well. Everyone has stress, and everyone must deal with loss and grief. Still, stress for some people can come from too many different directions, in degrees that can be extremely difficult to manage, and for lengths of time that can alter even the strongest and most sensible person's ability to "just do what he needs to do".

Saying to others (or enjoying hear it said to others), "Stop making excuses," allows the speaker (or observer) to feel a little superior. Those of us who are not struggling with money, who have gotten a good education or acquired marketable skills, who have had only normal amounts of life stresses, or who have been blessed with good physical or mental health - by virtue of simple lack of a certain combination of difficulties - can have tendency to view other people's problems as having a simple solution. Many of us were conditioned as children to believe that, "Stop making excuses," is what the grown-ups get to say to the juvenile and the inferior. Some of us even grew up believing that staying to support a troubled friend, rather than getting back in time to do homework, was a terrible thing and not an excuse for not doing our homework one night.

Some of us, faced with parents who - over and over again - said, "Stop making excuses," couldn't wait to grow up and say the same thing to other people. Even some of us, for some reason, have seen the admiration some of those tough tv and radio experts have gotten; and so have fallen to that "oh-so-clear" thinking in black and white simplicity. There are even some of us who have been so conditioned to see even legitimate reasons as "excuses" that we are not able to see when we, ourselves, may have legitimate reasons.

There are times in life when people will make up excuses for what is inexcusable. Some people, more than others, do that on a regular basis. Children are famous for making up excuses, but children both mess up because they're children and often have too much respect for adult, or too little confidence in themselves, to just "own up".

I, for one, choose to try to have an open mind before deciding that someone's reason is an "excuse". No, I don't get that momentary sense of feeling superior; and, no, I don't get to talk about someone behind his back and talk about how he could get his life in order if he'd only do what he needs to (or ought to) do. Still, I get to live in a world where I see other people and myself as humans who struggle at times with one thing or another; and I'd rather relate to, and/or understand, other people than feel superior to them.

When it comes to saying, "Stop making excuses," I'm very, very, reluctant to use that admonishment on other people; and maybe more importantly, I take the time and figure out whether my own "excuses" are actually that or "legitimate reasons", and that makes me understand myself, my situation, and even other people just a little bit better.

Knowing When the Marriage is Over - Have I Had Enough of This Marriage

2008-12-17T01:22:00.000-08:00

Getting to the point of knowing when its time to go is a process. Even those who believe they "just woke up one day and knew it was time to go" most likely didn't really "just wake up one day". What they've done is reach the completion of the process of realizing the marriage has reached its end.

An unhealthy marriage that is destined to fail can be compared to those times when we've unintentionally killed a beautiful, potted, plant: It started out with such beauty and hope, but one day we noticed the plant wasn't looking as good as before. Maybe we tried moving it to another window, and when that didn't help maybe we watered it more or less - or both at different times. As leaves fell or turned pale or brown, and after we tried everything, we helplessly watched as the plant's condition worsened to the point where we no longer remembered how beautiful it had been.

When we saw that the plant had turned into nothing but a single, pale, green, stem maybe we stopped watering it or even put it outside in the sun in the hopes that it may come back. "Maybe it will come back if I cut it back," we may have said.

So, after cutting it back and seeing nothing but an empty pot we may have kind of stopped thinking about the plant altogether. Time passed, and one day we may have noticed that the soil had become nothing but a hard, dry, block incapable of supporting any plant life at all. This was the point when it was finally clear that the plant could not possibly "come back".

When a marriage goes from seeming solid to seeming as if something is a little missing its easy to believe things could get better. When it goes from seeming as if something is a little missing to clearly being in trouble its still easy to believe things will get better. When it goes from being in trouble to being either empty or hate-filled people may still wish there were a way to make the marriage work. Wishing there were a way to make it work, though, is a separate thing from having any hope that it may.

This may be the point where people "have given up on watering the plant" and have become resigned to just letting it sit there, in the window, indefinitely. They may still - in their heads and in some part of their hearts - want to keep the marriage together. They make become resigned to the idea of living in an empty marriage, and they may reach that day when they look ahead to the rest of their lives, realize their one life will never be what it should be, and grieve the loss of a future that is whole. They may hang onto whatever it is they share as a couple (a past, children, a house) because they value what they have had and do have together.

Just as with that dried out dirt in the plant pot, though, one day someone always "just wakes up" and realizes there's absolutely no hope. The marriage may have deteriorated from "just empty" to absolutely unbearable. So, after all the trying, wishing, hoping, hanging on, and even adjusting to the idea of the rest of life's being less than whole, someone realizes that the situation has become so unbearable staying is not an option.

Knowing when its time to go doesn't come easily, but when it does there are no questions about whether or not going is the right thing to do.

On Communications Skills

2008-12-17T01:16:00.001-08:00

Communications skills are the gift of language that Nature has given human beings, and those skills are what allow us to express our needs, thoughts, wishes, regrets, and a host of feelings. It is through communicating that we, in society, are able to work together to design and build things are productive contributions to the world. Through communication we solve problems, reach out to others, and put in writing the events of our lives that will become the history from which future generations can learn and build. If there is even to be peace in the world, it can only come through the use of effective communication.

In our individual, daily, lives we use communication to relate to, and support, family members and friends. When we call the phone company or credit card bank to straighten out a problem with a bill, our ability to communicate can make the difference between getting results or not. Through communication we tell our doctors what are symptoms are; but through excellent communication we may be able to offer a better picture from which a doctor can more easily make a diagnosis. It's the same when we bring our car the mechanic and try to explain the kind of noise it makes, how often it makes it, and under what circumstances it seems to be worse. Whether it is a teacher, an attorney, a plumber, an accountant, or anyone else providing a service in our lives, good communications skills helps both them and us work together for better results and fewer misunderstandings.

Communications skills lead to understanding. Lack of understanding may be the major cause of most problems in our lives, and in the world. Misunderstanding (there's a subtle difference between "misunderstanding" and "lack of understanding") may be similarly at the root of most of our problems.

When we look at others whose actions or thinking are different from ours we often don't understand what is at the root of those actions or thinking. We don't understand it because can't see the whole picture (in view of the fact that none of us can ride around on the shoulder of someone else and view all that has happened in his life). Another reason we don't understand may be our own lack of knowledge about human psychology, medicine, sociology, or matter of faith and spirituality. Because we don't sufficiently understand the behavior or thinking of others, some of us, if we're not careful, have a tendency to fill in the blanks when it comes to those things that are not readily evident to us. For many people, filling in the blanks can mean them in with negative assumptions and conclusions about the other person - and when whole, negative, false, conclusions have been formed about someone else it never leads to solving problems, friendships, or even belief in our fellow man.

It is lack of understanding that makes so many parents fail their children in small or large ways. Lack of understanding keeps so many health problems and psychological illness from being eliminated. A cure for all cancer has not yet been found because nobody understands it sufficiently at this time. The same applies to ending world hunger or poverty. On a smaller scale, if lack understanding of plants we will kill every plant we try to keep. Lack of understanding of cooking will result in a lot of overcooked, undercooked, and just-plain-inedible, meals. We learn through the communications skills, and our own communications skills can be used to help others learn.

Misunderstandings are the other version of insufficient understanding. These are what occur when anyone lacks good communications skills or doesn't try to use them; but misunderstandings happen, too, when people try hard to communicate but use too many, too few, or the wrong words in their efforts. When we know that we must use our communication skills to preserve relationships or solve problems, we often use as many words as we can think of to try to clarify. That, of course, leads to a new set of words that can potentially be misunderstood; and so, through the use of yet more words, we often attempt to further reassure, smooth ruffled feathers, enlighten, or apologize.

The irony of words is that if we use none there will be no understanding (and much misunderstanding); but if we use some then we run the risk of creating the need to use still more, as a result of those first words that did not quite do the job. Perhaps the lesson here is that while having no communication is not good, having some communication may not be much better. The only way communication can truly be effective is when we have enough of the right words, the ability to put those words together effectively, and the desire to communicate in the first place.

When we have good communications skills we aren't only limited to telling people what we already know or feel. We can communicate to them what we don't know as well,

We can, if we choose, use our communication skills to express our feelings; and if we're really skilled at communicating we find words to express those feelings without saying more than our dignity or integrity may prefer.

Not long ago, I wrote a piece about how Helen Keller's teacher, Anne Sullivan ("The Miracle Worker"), was one of my childhood heroes. In fact, she has remained someone I've admired to this day, because to think of someone like Helen Keller (who was so isolated from the world because she could not see or experience communication) becoming a part of the world after learning to communicate, that isn't just realizing that one teacher can make miracles for one student. It is realizing that communication, itself, can work miracles.

Communications skills, like all skills, could be measured on a scale, with all people have different levels of abilities. Helen Keller was originally at the low end of such a scale; but even among those of us who have the benefit of sight and hearing, many (at least at different times or in different situations) have deficits in communications skills (or at least the desire to use them) that would not fall very close to the high end of that scale. People who have "high-end" communications aren't always without their misunderstandings or lack of understanding. Still, anyone who has skills that fall too far down that scale are likely , at least to some degree, to suffer from isolation, misunderstanding, and even the social awkwardness that can be associated with lack of communications skills.

The ability to communicate, and the potential to develop that ability, is the gift that Nature has given human beings. Again, if there is ever to be peace in this world it can only be achieved through communications skills. In our individual lives, too, it just may be effective communications skills that most hold the promise of bringing solid, healthy, relationships and peace in our homes.

Some Secrets of Organized Families

2008-12-17T01:02:00.000-08:00

One of the most effective and simple ways to keep the family home organized is to recognize the difference between shared space/property and individual space/property and establish the very reasonable rule that each individual family member will be responsible for his own space/property and responsible for leaving the shared space/property as he/she found it. A parent - usually the mother - can take responsibility for the "setting" in which the family resides and has its own individual space and property. Obviously, two parents sharing responsibility for things like walls, floors, windows, basements, garages, and yards makes it easier for the parents (between them they can agree who will handle what), but even a single parent will find that expecting children over a certain age to be responsible for their own belongings/space while leaving shared space/belongings as they found them can make a big difference.

The method does have two additional, complicating, factors that make it not quite as simple as it sounds: The first is that the parent does need to act as "team leader" and to sometimes give a little direction to the people who will be taking care of their own space and belongings. The second has to do with children under four years old and the fact that with children this young the parent(s) just has to do more than he/she will once the child is of school age.

If a parent established, though, that he/she will wash the pots and pans and dinner dishes but expects children and "certain others" (who may be guilty of leaving snack plates behind)not to leave dirty snack dishes behind it allows children to have the responsibility of not creating a "non-dinner" mess and washing their own dishes without having to wash the whole family's dinner dishes (which can be too much, particular for children under a certain age). Children may appreciate that an adult will clear the dinner dishes and clean up while still seeing the "simple request" that they wash their own sandwich plate or between-meal cup themself.

When the parent takes responsibility for cleaning the bathroom but asks all family members to keep their own personal items in their room and only bring them into the bathroom when they need them it eliminates a lot of extra shampoo bottles and towels being left in the bathroom and makes cleaning easy.

Have simple categories for things like clothes (they're either clean, dirty, or worn and going to be worn one more time; clean can go in drawers or on hangers, dirty can go on hangers over a door, dirty goes into the laundry). Miscellaneous items can be categories into 1)back where they were taken from, 2) placed in storage, or 3) in the trash. Toys can have a two-hour rule: If they sit out and aren't touched for more than two hours they must be picked up. Even the mail that can be a disaster if everyone in the family leaves their mail out in "shared space" (the dining room table or hall desk, for example). Have a rule that all mail is immediate brought to its addressee's personal space.

Having the rule that there is no eating anywhere but in the kitchen or at the dining room table can reduce a lot of potential mess as well.

The best example of how to be organized is seen in the menu on your computer or cell phone: There's a main menu, and then there are menu's within the menu. If you have a reasonable separation of responsibilities, and if you break down belongings into simple categories, you may see how keeping a family organized can be almost as simple as using a cell phone (except, of course, when there are too many babies under two years old, in which case remaining organized consistently may be impossible - in which case, hang in there. They'll be school age sooner than you think.)

Thoughts on Organizing the Bill-Paying Process

2008-12-16T18:51:00.000-08:00

It may be most organized to arrange to receive all bills through the U.S. mail. Paying bills online is handy, but receiving bills online can add one extra element of risk of disorganization (particularly if some bills are still sent through the mail and some are sent through the mail and maybe even sent both ways).

When bills arrive in the mail immediately open them. Remove all extra materials (the adds, the notices, etc.). Separate the portion of the bill that is for sending with a payment (even if you plan to pay online).

The most organized thing to do is pay each bill the minute it comes, but that isn't always possible. When paying each one as it arrives isn't the plan tuck the separated remittance portion of the bill and the itemized section under the flap of the envelope that came with it. Place in a "bill-pay" folder (or "bill-pay" in-box), which should be kept in one location that is handy.

Opening and "setting up for payment" each bill as it comes in reduces some of the extra little tasks that can detract from feeling super-organized when bill-paying time comes. Stack the bills in order of due date, with the earliest due date on top.

This way if there is only time to pay a few bills it will be the most the most urgent ones that get paid while the less urgent ones can be left for another time.

When bill-paying time arrives (whether that's too pay all bills or just some) separate those that will be paid online and those that will be mailed. Pay all the online bills, copy confirmation information into computer files, and make a "paid on" note on the paper part of the bill. The remittance form can either be stapled to the main bill or discarded. Discarding the envelope prevents clutter, but sometimes keeping at least one spare envelope with the correct address on it makes sense.

Take the mail-in bills, and handle each one by itself rather than writing a bunch of checks and later putting them with the bills and in envelopes. Write a check. Copy account numbers on the check. Place the remittance form and check in the envelope. Return address can be added later. Write a "paid on" note on the main part of the bill and stack it for filing shortly. Follow these steps with all the bills in the stack. You'll be left with a stack of bills for filing and a stack of envelopes that need stamps and return addresses. Return address labels are handy.

Ideally, having a file folder for each account in a file drawer or box works best. If you are not inclined toward keeping such folders up-to-date, or if you're inclined to just stuff things in the front of a drawer with the idea that you'll put them in folders later (while, at the same time having some things in their folders because one day you were in the mood to get organized) you may actually be better off foregoing all filing systems and just stacking paid bills in one place, with the most recent on top. A half-way filing system is one of the easiest ways to become disorganized and lose things. I, personally, prefer a well kept filing system; although one box with a year's worth of old bills at least offers the assurance that all bills are in that one place.

For people who will not/cannot pay all bills that have come in it can help to divide the "bill pay" stack into two separate folders - "urgent" and "hold".

Establishing a time for paying bills once or twice a week, and making an "event" of it can make bill-paying more pleasant. For example, establish that on Saturday mornings at 9:00 you'll make coffee, light some potpourri, put on some music and pay a few bills. You could also established Wednesday evenings after the news as bill-paying (or at least bill-reviewing) time.

When there isn't enough money to pay all the bills prioritize wisely. Keep in mind that mortgage payments, rent, utilities, and insurance bills should never fall behind. Mortgage lenders and landlords aren't generally very flexible for too long, utilities bills turn into monster-bills very quickly. Insurance companies are quick to cancel coverage.

Bills with credit card companies and health-care providers are more willing to work out a payment arrangement.

Finally, keep two other things in mind:

1. Paying very small bills and getting rid of them can make the stack of bills more streamlined and less mind-boggling.

2. Savings (even if you add only a little out of each paycheck) should also be treated as an important "bill".

Managing on a Low Income

2008-12-16T17:43:00.000-08:00

An important part of managing on a low income includes not allowing your income to define you. It's important not to have a preconceived notion of what someone on a low income has or does. Many people make the mistake, for example, of just automatically believing their low income has to mean not eating healthy foods or not being able to allow their daughter to take dancing lessons. Automatically deciding to buy only macaroni for dinner, and automatically believing that a girl from your low income home cannot take the dancing lessons more fortunate girls can take, will put you and your family in a "poor" frame of mind in more ways than one.

People can manage (and manage amazingly well) on a low income. They just need to prioritize and plan.

Good ways to manage on a low income include:

THE LITTLE-OF-EVERYTHING APPROACH:

One approach to managing on a low income is with the "a-little-of-everything" approach. In other words, consider what the average person with an average incomes usually has in life, and then aim to have a scaled down version of an "average" life. There is a reason I suggest doing this, and it has nothing to do with "keeping up with the Joneses". People on a low income often lose perspective on what it takes to have a whole life. It is normal, understandable, and even sensible, to approach spending by focusing on the clearly important matters, such as food, heat, and electricity. I'm not advocating using the money for the gas bill to pay for dancing lessons, but realizing that "man does not live by bread alone" can help keep a low monthly income from removing you and/or your family from normal living. The low-income family that has nothing but macaroni in the cabinets, and children who cannot participate in normal childhood activities will suffer negative effects that don't have to be necessary - even on a low income.

Using what the average family has as a guideline, here are examples of ways to have a scaled down version of the same lifestyle: The average family may have cable television and a high-quality DVD player, and regularly run down to the video rental store for movies. A low-income family may have to forego cable television (there's only so much television children need to watch anyway), buy an inexpensive DVD player, and sign up for the most inexpensive movie plan that will allow only two or three movies a month.

With things like activities for the children, average-income families may have children in several activities. Low-income families may have to limit their child to one. With or without being able to let a child take private lessons, public schools and town recreation departments often offer low-cost or free activities (which can help a child have the benefit of participating without the additional high cost of more private lessons).

The average income family may take all the kids back-to-school shopping at the mall, and buy everything each child needs in one shopping trip. The low-income family may have to start early, make three separate trips weeks apart, and shop at stores where bargains can be found. The average-income family may buy each child ten outfits for back to school. The low-income family may only be able to buy three pairs of pants with five different tops.

Another example is that the average-income family may eat out several times a week. A low-income family may need to eat only only every weekend or every other week, and they may need to eat where prices are lower. Still, they are able to enjoy the treat of eating out together, which is always better than feeling eating out isn't something "people like us" can ever do.

Average-income families generally have a savings cushion. The low-income family should aim to have at least a small savings cushion. Aside from the obvious benefits of having a savings cushion, just knowing you have one can add to sense of being "just like everyone else" (and that it important when it comes to not allowing a low income to define your self image or sense of being capable). While the ideal thing is to leave a savings cushion untouched, low-income living can't always be ideal. A savings cushion may have to be used to help you get to your next paycheck, but if you use some of it to get you through the last week of the month replace what you "borrowed from yourself" as soon as the next check comes. Even if it turns out you repeat this process month after month, you will still be managing better than if you had no cushion to help get you through that last part of the month.

The average-income family uses at least one credit card, which may have thousands of dollars as the limit. Credit cards are convenient, and using one wisely helps build up credit. A low-income family may benefit from having one lower limit card on which they put smaller purchases, which require smaller amounts of money to pay off the balance each month. Without a credit card it is difficult to rent a car, make some purchases, or do any number of things that average-income people take for granted.

ELIMINATE FRILLS:

In addition to scaling down the things that most average-income families have, carefully determining which things can be eliminated comfortably is important. Such things may include something like having someone else take care of the yard, paying to get nails done (you can do them yourself, and if you can't, learn how), or using air conditioning when a fan will do. Doing without frills on purchases can help too. If your toaster breaks (or is a fire hazard) don't live without toast. Buy a cheap but new one. You don't need the fancy one.

If you need the security of a cell phone don't sign up for a two-year/$50 a month plan. Sign up for a $20 refurbished phone that uses $15 prepaid cards. In this case, you would have the basic use of a cell phone without the "frills" of "all the talking you can possibly do".

SHOP WISELY:

When shopping keep sales in mind, learn which stores offer the best prices, and shop clearance and end-of-season if possible. Know which products in discount stores are of equal quality to those sold in better stores. (Hanes underwear or Osh Kosh kids' clothes are the same, regardless of which store sells them. Shop for items like this in discount stores, and save the better stores for special items.) Prioritize clothing items as well. You may want to buy a better quality blazer in a better level store, but you can save if you buy the white shirt to wear under it at a discount store.

Don't forget dollar stores. Look for items you use regularly at dollar stores - wrapping paper, pens, cleaning products, plastic containers, bath products, make-up, etc. Buying what you know you'll be using at the dollar store when you see it can save quite a bit over waiting until you need the item and buying it at full price.

EAT SENSIBLY BUT ALLOW FOR OCCASIONAL TREATS:

Know which stores in your area sell for less and shop there. Fresh fruits and vegetables, as well as canned and frozen fruits and vegetables, are not awfully high in price. Frozen foods tend to be more expensive, but even the frozen case may offer items for under $2.

Frozen juices are less expensive than juices from the dairy case, but buying a small bottle of orange juice may give you just the amount you need for a short time. Allow for occasional treats, but even treats can be found at reasonable prices. Stay away from the store's bakery products unless you only need to buy one or two of these higher-priced treats.

If your family eats meat, rather than serving it with every dinner, consider serving it twice a week and substituting it with a less expensive source of protein at other times. (That may be a healthier thing to do anyway.)

Don't forget the concept of sharing. These days many foods are sold in serving sizes that are too large for young children (and many women). It's not such a bad thing to let two small children share a box of animal crackers, or even to buy a twin pack of Drakes or Hostess cakes and give one each to two older children.

RE-THINK THE RULE ABOUT BUYING IN BULK:

While it is true that buying in bulk will get you a lower price-per-unit on any item, there are times when the low-income person may not want to use $5 to buy a large package of paper towels. Paying a slightly higher unit price for a single roll may serve the purpose better. If you have $10 until the next paycheck and need milk, bread, toothpaste, paper towels, and toilet paper; you may be better off buying the smallest and least expensive package of each, and even a trial size toothpaste. In this example you may spend less than $1 for the toilet tissue, $1 for the inexpensive roll of paper towels, $2 for a quart of milk, and $2 for the bread. You could find a trial size toothpaste in the drug store's trial size department for $1 or less. This approach would get you what you need for the next couple of days, without doing without any of those items. You may even choose to get yourself a cup of coffee and a danish with what you have left (a nice way to top off a trip to the store and have some "me" time).

On the other hand, if you chose to stick with always buying at the lowest unit price, you would have to do without some of the things you needed in order to make the "wisest" price choice.

Making choices that are based on need, rather than on advice from money "experts" helps. In the case of the above shopping example, you may decide you need a half gallon of milk, rather than just the quarter, so adjusting your choices is often necessary.

Another point about buying in bulk is that if you don't use foods fast enough they may go bad, in which case you have wasted money that didn't have to be wasted.

Ask what you absolutely need today and don't try to buy anything you'll be needing two days from now. This approach keeps impulse spending and extra spending down.

DON'T FORGET WHAT'S FREE:

Your public library offers all kinds of reading, as well as CD's, DVD'S, and use of PC's. There are often activities or programs offered there as well. Public parks offer a great place to have outdoor time and fresh air. Bring a book for you, and if you have children pick up some 40-cent bubble stuff, a sponge ball, and a Frisbee.

Most towns and cities have other activities, and rural locales offer their own version of free outdoor activities.

DO YOUR MATH:

As each paycheck arrives take out money allotted for paying monthly bills and savings. If you've used a little of your savings to get through the month pay yourself back immediately. Separate out your allotted, scaled down, amounts for grocery shopping, things children need, some limited treats/activities, other purchases, and gas. Divide that amount by the number of days in the month, and then spend some time figuring out which days and ways you will distribute the spending. If your child needs book fair money on the 15th shift plan to skip a movie rental during that period and instead use the money for the book fair.

If you cannot make it to the end of the month on the available money, plan for the next two weeks or for as long as your money will last. This is where you may need to borrow from yourself (your savings) to get through the last part of the month. Again, dipping into savings is not ideal (and if possible try to leave some untouched savings), but at least you will not be using a credit card or borrowing from family members or friends.

CUT DOWN ON AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE:

Consider absolutely everything you spend on and ask if there are ways you can cut down on those expenses. Pay attention to the amount of gasoline you use, and find ways to reduce driving (or get better mileage). Look into alternative phone services or cutting back on Internet service. (Having a lower cost Internet service allows you to have use of the PC without spending quite as much. This fits into the "scaled down" approach.)

Ask yourself if there are ways to reduce heating or electric bills and whether there are ways to reduce the use of gas or electric dryers and ovens. Blocking off drafts, limiting air conditioner use, or supplementing with solar heating may help. Don't use extra paper products you can do without. Buy all-purpose cleaning products rather than a product for every job.

TRY TO THINK OF WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR INCOME:

Try to think of ways that your income can be increased. Every little bit helps, and picking up as little as an extra $5 a week could turn into $20 in that little savings cushion.

DON'T BE PENNY-WISE BUT POUND-FOOLISH:

Living on a low income is stressful, and the stress is long-term. Low-income parents need to be aware that their stress can affect the mood of the whole household, so it's important for low-income parents to find ways to take a break, enjoy themselves and their children, and not think about money at all. Stress takes it toll on single people and childless people too, but at least children aren't the victims. Long-term stress can destroy health and damage emotional wellbeing for adults and children alike.

It's also important for children to have the chance to do what most other children get to do (even if that means using a borrowed guitar for lessons, or taking only ballet rather than the ballet, tap, and jazz someone else gets to take).

"Managing on a low-income" isn't just about managing to make money last from one end of the week or month to the next. It's about managing to stay whole as an individual and as a family. It's about managing to keep up the mental and physical energy needed to remain positive in a challenging situation, and it's about managing not to always be thinking about money. Most importantly, it's about managing not to feel left behind by the world - or worse, left out of living.

When planning spending, low-income individuals need to keep in mind that the soul needs nourishment as much as the body does; and if that means having a few too many omelets a month in order to see a good movie or put money toward a prom gown, then maybe that's the thing to do. People who live on low incomes but manage money and spending well can live surprisingly comfortably.

Managing to create the feeling that you and your family are living on a modest income but are not poor in any way is not an easy thing to do, but it is something that will pay high dividends over the long term.