Story Time with Jacob

Some of my old pick up lines

2012-01-07T22:15:00.000-08:00

For all you single guys wondering how to get the dates and girls, I think I have the answers. Today I broke open my dating notebook and found these little gems, some of the best pick up lines you will ever hear. I was going to save them for my boys, but decided I would do the next best thing and share them on my blog. This sums up everything I know about women in a nut shell and all my good material. Okay here goes:

1. If I forget your name, don't worry about it cause I date a lot of girls. (Then wink)

ME SPEAKING: If I know women they love it when you don't remember their name and when your a real jerk about it. If we have learned anything from any teen movie it's that the jerk always ends up with the girl. And when you say you date a lot of girls it shows you are popular.

2. I just put on deodorant, do you want to smell me? Girls love smells.

3. My friends don't find you attractive, but I am willing to settle. Need I say more.

4. You have two choices, I can stalk you or you can go out with me? Which one would you prefer?

5. Can you give me your number again? I get so many it's hard to keep track.

6. Do you like cars, cause I own one.

7. I have a bet going with a lot of people and I will split it with you if you pay for a date.

8. Girls who don't go out with me often end up with slashed tires and keyed cars, would you like to go out?

9. I just got off the phone with the suicide hotline....I just can't handle another rejection. Do you want to go out?

10. Is that your normal hair style? Or do you just not care anymore? As you can see niether do I.

Lots of winking helps too. Just a little tid bit of information I thought I would also share.

DISCLAIMER: Good luck suckers.

Bucket List for 2012

2011-12-31T16:50:00.000-08:00

According to the movie 2012 most of us will be dead this time next year. I am not one to believe everything I hear, but it was on TV so that gives it a lot of validity. I can only hope that I am one of the lucky ones, but just in case I'm not, I have prepared my own bucket list.

1. Learn to fly a plane - that seemed to be one of the most important things on the movie 2012
2. Eat a gas station hot dog and not get sick
3. Challenge someone to a duel while slapping them with a glove
4. Solve a cold case
5. Ride a mountain goat to the top of a mountain
6. Buy some yahoo stock
7. Write a how to kill a mockingbird book that actually gives you instructions on killing mockingbirds
8. Find Waldo and thank him for hours of entertainment
9. Shave the words "this side up" into my hair
10. Buy a cabin in the woods just in case
11. Survive the great flood of 2012 - see the movie for more information
12. Die naked

I'm a good person

2011-11-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

I love to talk to myself, but it's the listening part that drives me crazy. I think that's what makes me able to listen to others stories and realize that their real life isn't really all that strange compared to what is going on inside my head. And I am not a good person simply because I am a great listener I am a good person because I keep what's inside my head to myself. I really am great and you know. And as I always say a good self image is the only image. Here's to thinking you are better then you are and acting like it without being a jerk. Thanks self help books, you did it again. Your Friend Jacob!

A few of the DUMBEST things I have ever done

2011-11-19T23:16:00.000-08:00

1. When I was ten I bet my friend that Doogie Hoosier was a real medical doctor. I was a little off and lost 300 dollars. I never paid him.

2. Once when my parents and I were on a road trip, just me and them, I made a sign that said help I am being kidnapped and put it in the window in the backseat where I was sitting. Luckily this was back before everyone had a cell phone or else it could have been a really fun situation. Kids don't try that at home or in the car either. My parents weren't happy with me and needless to say I felt really bad cause I got caught.

3. I ate a couple castor beans on a dare which apparently contain ricin. Ricin is a very dangerous and deadly poison. Oops I should have been paying a lot more attention on that field trip. I guess I should have noticed the skull and cross bones by that planter. I guess I should have listened to my friends when they said those are poisonious, no seriously they are. I guess I should have thought twice about eating anything on that field trip to the college greenhouse. I was thinking all that when the campus cop picked me up and took me to the hospital, where they had to give me 3 glasses of liquid charcoal. As the saying goes, " old enough to know better, but still to stupid to care. For the record I was only 16 at the time. So really too young to care.

4. Starting a blog, this pig takes up a lot of time. Maybe if I had more visitors it would be worth it. But I think of giving it up sometimes, because I have a life. I am not some loser that sits at home all day. Well at least not most days. Today I was really tired. Anyway seriously though I really want more traffic so try and like my facebook page on my blog and tell your friends. The more visitors I get the more posts I will post. Back to the dumbest things I have ever done.

Actually that is it. Those are the only dumb things I have ever done and probably will do sounds like, at least until the next time.

My Birthday List

2011-11-12T22:01:00.000-08:00

Monday is my birthday and I am pumped. It's the only day I can tell people how I really feel about them right to their face not like I normally do behind their backs. This is gonna be fun. Anyway I am sure you are all wondering what to get me so I have compiled my list in the form of a riddle. I am trying to replace some of my vhs movies with DVD's. Instead of just writing the name of the movie I will write down a line from the movie. If you suck at movie trivia then I am not really sure why we are friends and don't want you reading my stories anymore, but if you are good at it then send me a present. Actually even if you suck at it still try and get me something. Money is always nice. If I get enough I might be able to buy food again for my kids. Anyway list on:

1. I actually need some pants(jeans) this is not a movie line I could actually use some pants. No no actually if you get me pants I won't be very happy because most likely they will not fit and won't work out for either of us. Scratch that idea I will get those myself.
2. Movie Quote #1 - Hey guys. Woah, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see ya later.
3. Movie Quote #2 - If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all. Whoo!

4. I will also take gift cards from restraunts or stores I am not picky.
5. I will also take cash larger bills preferred
6. Movie Quote #3 - I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.

7. Movie Quote #4 - You know lots of people go to college for seven years. Yeah, there called doctors
8. Movie Quote #5 - I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in."
9. Movie Quote #6 - Do you own rubber gloves? I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.

10. Movie Quote #7 - It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am NOT a big man.

And remember if you can't figure out what movie to get me just send me money, but either way don't be a cheapskate and get me nothing like most of you did last year that wasn't very nice at all for me especially.

P.S. I know on Facebook I have a different birthday which is actually fake, but I will still take presents then as well.

Halloween - the only time when stealing candy from a baby is just fine

2011-10-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I have written, but I really am writing a movie and so it takes time. I did want to throw one up though so here she is:

My Poem for Halloween

Halloween is here at last
I know this year it will be a blast
For I love candy and so do my sons
Eat too much and you'll get the runs
I love the costumes that I can see
Hold on one second I've got to go pee
Alright now I'm back and ready to tell you
What I have on Ebay and would like to sell you
I have a costume that is really great
So won't you buy it, don't be a cheapskate
Sure there is mark up on every old thing
But I just want to hear cha ching
I understand if you don't want to buy that
But know behind your back I might call you fat
That is fair game and I'm sure you'd agree
oh hold on again I have to go pee
Okay I am back and ready to fiinish
After this poem sales will dimish
Therefore I must say I am sorry everyone
I was just joking and was just talking for fun
Sometimes I ramble on and on
And as you see often visit the john
I am not perfect as things would appear
I love to eat meat especially deer
Halloween you are one of a kind
You treat all of us the same even the blind
I love you Halloween and all that you are
Don't drink and drive if you are at the bar
You might hit a bump and spill your drink
And end up puking in the jails bathroom sink
Well this year's halloween let's let it be great
Only a few more days I cannot wait
Whether zombie or ghost or just along for the ride
In Halloween we should all take great pride
But mostly the candy at the end of the night
That is why we love you you are alright

Food Groups - How many do you use?

2011-10-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

It seems these days that we still grow vegetables, but after my recent trip to the store I wonder if we still eat them.

Top 10 Non Religious Songs I Want at My Funeral

2011-10-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

1. Theme song to Walker Texas Ranger heard here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-GCJHwvCms
2. Papa Don't Preach by Madonna
3. Knocking on Heavens Door by Guns and Roses
4. Candy Mountain Cave Song heard here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgL0zd4jSTo
5. A hologram of myself singing wind beneath my wings - I have always wanted to be the wings and the wind beneath them that would be so cool.
6. Devil Went Down To Georgia by Charlie Daniels
7. Prop me up beside the juke box if I die heard here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCiKxjZTa2I
8. Put a Banana in Your Ear heard here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPAJ9I7AIAs&feature=related
9. The Final Countdown by Europe
10. Eye of the Tiger by Survivor or Creed's One Last Breathe both would be nice to hear as I make my way up the elevator to Heaven

And just so you know here are songs I surely don't want at my funeral:
1. Highway to Hell by AC/DC
2. If I were an oscar meyer weiner
3. If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks
4. Stairway to Heaven - There better be an elevator or else I won't be very happy

The 1800's what a century

2011-09-28T21:17:00.000-07:00

The top 10 things about living in the 1800's

1. You don't have to worry about getting into a car accident
2. If you are the smelly kid in school you aren't alone
3. There's still a chance of finding some Gold in your yard
4. You don't get social security taken out of your paycheck
5. The world was your toilet and people didn't think less of you because of it
6. No pesky toaster fires
7. Dr Quinn Medicine woman didn't exist yet
8. Your kids were happy with a stick and rock for Christmas
9. Safety scissors weren't invented yet
10. You didn't have to worry if your breathe was bad, you just knew it was

Business Ideas 101 - Ant Farm Stores - They found the loophole

2011-09-17T13:40:00.001-07:00

Wow talk about putting "living off the land" into commercial use. Ant Farms are a great idea, they are a step up from pet rocks, so sure cost a little more money to put together but they are tapping the free resourses given to us from the earth's crust. Ant's, sand, some pieces of glass and a frame and you have your self a sellable product. Throw in some children from the neighborhood to sell door to door and you have yourself a company my friend. I don't know all the legalities of this business but I am sure you are just fine to get rocking. Until next time keep up the good work.

Two things I hate and one of them is baby talk

2011-09-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

Is baby talk ever cute? The answer is no. I don't care how old the baby is or isn't in some cases. Either way here in America, it's time to learn to speak English and learn to speak it well. If you have a stuttering issue that is one thing, we will make fun of you for it later in life, but don't add baby talk to the mix that would be both appalling and disgusting.

I was at the store tonight and guess what happened......I bought some ice cream. But before the ice cream the wife and I were going through the aisles and guess what I heard................ baby talk. I said to my wife, "I hate baby talk" and she said, "well how old was the kid?" and I said, "it was baby talk, it was a baby." Apparently some weirdo nut jobs think it is funny to baby talk when they are older which is even more weird and creepy.

Anyway, my point is I didn't speak out loud til I was 4 and a half for a reason. I didn't like baby talk, and although I might have had to listen to it from the friends I had back then, I skipped that goo goo ga ga junk and spoke word; and when I spoke them, I spoke them well. That is what most--no, what every American should strive for. Does baby talk have it's place? Yes, but that place is in the minds of those babies out there and no where else. Anyway baby talk let's kick that habit like we would smoking or dieting or some other disgusting habit. I can't kick it alone, but together we can make a difference. Bless you all and no more baby talk forever.

Please Like Me On Facebook and Follow Me on Twitter

2011-09-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

Click on the buttom(s) to the side now

Lifetime Goals

2011-09-10T13:42:00.000-07:00

Goals are a funny thing. Once you achieve them then you have to set new ones as to not feel like you are wasting your life. It's like shaving the more you do it the more you have to do it the next day. I am more of a reverse goal setter. Sure I have a set of goals, but I have always written the goal down only after I have achieved it, this way I never have any problems hitting the goal and checking it off my list. But this past week I got to thinking and I think it is time to set some real goals that will take hard work and dedication, goals that are so grand that I won't ever reach them thus eliminated the goal process and finally relaxing so here goes:

1. Make my own currency that can be spent all over the world. I have always wanted my own dollar bill.
2. Find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow - that little jerk leprechaun is a rich sucker
3. Stop shaving for good
4. Build time machine and bet on some football games like Biff did in Back to the Future
5. Predict the deaths of 5 people - 2 down, 3 more to go
6. Build a stairway to heaven and visit often
7. Moon Congress while there in session
8. Moonwalk a marathon
9. Drink the Great Salt Lake
10. Be the first person to drive myself to Europe with my home made boat car
Well now that the list is established I can finally get to work................next week for sure.

PART 5 OF THE MUST HAVE COLLECTION

2011-09-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

These are more classic then the "classics"

PART 4 OF THE MUST HAVE COLLECTION

2011-09-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

FUNNY STUFF

PART 3 OF THE MUST HAVE COLLECTION

2011-09-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

You just can't beat Chevy Chase and Adam Sandler! You just can't!

Saturday you make us proud

2011-09-03T00:19:00.000-07:00

I have been in a poetry kind of mood lately. What can I say the juices are flowing if you know what I mean.
Anyway below I have written a little song I like to call Saturday, but only it's not a song cause I don't sing it, but a poem so you can read it. Enjoy:

Saturday

If the days had a fight you would win
A mule once kicked me right in the shin
It hurt like the dickens which is really bad
If you were taken I'd be real sad
For within the 24 hours of your day
I can go to Burger King and have it my way
I can go on vacation or sleep in my bed
I once had a really good friend named Fred
One man once said that Friday is better
Well he is a nerd that wears a wierd sweater
Everyone knows that Friday was cool
Because as a kid you got out of school
But now it is Saturday that has taken it's place
If it were a wrestler it would spit in your face
Saturday surely is the best day all week
For everyone alive even if your a geek
So tomorrow is my day what shall I do
I could fake an injury and then I could sue
I think I need a break from the writing
I will go on a hike and make up a bear siting
I like making up stories that's for sure
I could make up a illness and then sell the cure
As you can see the list could be long
You best not get caught with a bong
That would be bad and you might go to jail
Those fences are high and difficult to scale
But that's what you might get if you were smoking the weed
Here's to Saturday the best day indeed

Labor Day - A holiday among holidays

2011-09-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I would like to dedicate to Labor Day

You were first celebrated in 1882
Then it was still legal to sniff your own glue
Although really old, you are still doing well
Most people think I am going to hell
I think they are wrong and I am right
But you are not the holiday to fight
In a few short days you will be here at last
Bringing us football while forgetting seasons past
You are not Christmas or the 4th of July
You don't suck even without apple pie
You are your own man of the holidays
I have a choice this weekend of 2 getaways
Sorry I must concentrate on why you exist
You could punch people in the face if you had a fist
Yes it's that cool and bad as they say
So next time you'll think of shunning that day
The only holiday that marks the kids heading to school
Now their the states problem that is so cool
I love you so much and just wanted you to know
I wish you were here always, but I know you must go
Goodbye my friend, I will see you again
I think I might be suing the makers of fen phen
If all works out I could be made wealthy
I hate vegetables but its time to eat healthy
I love you Labor day and all you give
I love what you do and how you live

PART 2 OF THE MUST HAVE COLLECTION

2011-08-31T22:29:00.000-07:00

Finally I can combine my love of selling things to my friends with my favorite
movies. Bless you Amazon. I no longer shun you or your great buys.

PART 1 OF THE MUST HAVE COLLECTION

2011-08-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

Laughter, the only good reason for peeing your pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the wifes birthday today

2011-08-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

Since it's the wifes Birthday today I thought I would dedicate a poem to her so here goes:

The moment we met you said you wouldn't scratch my back
Now you help me eat healthy so I won't have a heart-attack
You do all my laundry and make me lots of food
I am glad none of your sisters became a dude
Today is your birthday and we can have lots of fun
I will be right back, I want to hold a gun
Now I am back and ready to write more
Maybe tonight you will get lucky and score
Have a great B-day and a great year
If I got hit in the crotch I might shed a tear
Here's to you and all you do
If we get in an accident we can always sue
I love you Kelly and that's all I can say
I know you will have a really good day

That is actually a true story about the back scratching I asked her to scratch my back and she refused. Come to think of it she still hates scratching my back so that is why I have a fork to scratch it myself. Happy Bday Kelly.

I got shut down

2011-08-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

No more ad clicking will be going on since Adsense shut my account off. Apparently I was breaking the rules by telling people to click on my ads. Sometimes you have to get shut down to realize you your going to get shut down. I don't like this at all and someone will pay for shutting me down and that person will also be me.

Ten more things you don't want to hear from the loudspeaker of the airplane

2011-08-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

11. This thing has a lot more buttons and levers than the school bus I am used to driving.

12. Luckily I only had a few shots before we left so I am still mostly sober.

13. For your safety we have two TSA agents coming around and gropping each of you row by row. We call it our new "just in case you snuck something onboard" policy.

14. This is your captain speaking I have some good news and some really bad news, what do you want first?

15. Folks sorry for the bumpy ride the last few mintues, I dosed off for a bit there but looks like everything is just fine now. Sit back, relax and enjoy the next several hours of flying.

16. Studies show that we are safer flying then driving , but if the gas gauge is accurate we might be proving that theory wrong.

17. Great news I decided to take a short cut over a no fly zone which should save us about 45 minutes and that's not all I can see some fireworks for us up ahead, looks like we are really in for a treat.

18. Hey there's a first class seat up here for anyone willing to give me a urine sample, no questions asked.

19. As we fly over these mountains we only thought it fitting that the inflight movie this evening should be Alive. The movie about a plane crash in the mountains. Don't worry I am not a cannibal at this point.

20. Mayday Mayday...........oh crap sorry wrong speaker, we were just kidding, everything is fine.

I have some good news and some bad news

2011-08-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

So the good news is I got some news socks today....................the bad news is I ran out of toilet paper in the mens room just before that. All in all the situation handled itself.

Public Humor Poll--Vote Today!

2011-07-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

On the right you will find things I like to do in the store or wherever I am at. Okay now here is the fun part. Vote to see which one I do next week. I will have it recorded for you to view and enjoy. I will need to hear from you so vote and tell me what you want me to do. First 5 votes I get for one thing to do I will do it and trust me you won't be disappointed. Today is election day and you are voting for me and I will be the only winner, but lets get started anyway.