Do you sometimes yearn to have one more cup of coffee or tea with your loved one who has died? You can’t bring him or her back, but you can keep the memories warm and close by creating a custom photo mug. Start each day with your favorite photo and encouraging words in hand. A custom mug can be the perfect accompaniment to motivate you for your morning writing routine! Using your images or an inspiring saying that evokes a happy memory, mugs also make a great gift to commemorate dates or let someone know you are thinking of them and their loved ones.

With the SFH exclusive My Storybook Publisher you can make and order your photo mug online in a matter of minutes. It’s quick and easy! Take the video tour to see for yourself.

Here are some ideas for getting started on your project:

• Use your favorite photo and a caption. Don’t forget your photos on your wall – either in your house or on Facebook (you can even link your FB photos to your account)! Or, look for the iconic photo of your subject.
• Can’t think of what to say? Let the photos talk. Create a mosaic of memorable moments in pictures.
• Inspire! Find a quote, or place you own poetry, or scanned artwork on the mug. You can even make a mug with text alone. (Just delete the photo frame and resize the text frame!)
• Read the SFH photo wall on Facebook for some great quotation ideas!
• Don’t forget the pets! Honor your favorite beloved furry friend and memories with their photo.
• Mugs are not just for home. Your organization’s logo or motto can be used for staff or as a volunteer gift. Personalize your office cup, too.

All SFH products have easy to use layout themes for professional results every time. Our mug themes include:

• Photo Easy. Simple photo frames with some text. Includes single photo with text, collages and panoramic layouts.
• Scallop Frames. A group of scalloped shapes and sizes. One, two and three photos layout.
• Vintage Frames. Period art frames surround the photos you choose. Victorian edges, classic corners and unique vintage mats frame your photos old and new.
• Fully Customizable. Add, remove or move text, photos and art elements using advanced program features.

The SFH mug holds 11 oz of your favorite hot or cold beverage. Dishwasher and microwave safe ceramic. Images are 7 x 3.2” wrapped onto the mug using a dye transfer process which embeds the ink into the ceramic making a quality and lasting image for years to come.

In the time it takes to brew a pot of coffee or boil the water for tea and cocoa, you can create a custom photo mug using My Storybook Publisher. Your grief needs action to heal. You need to remember rather than forget. Sign in and make you own cup of joyous memories today!

Anyone can write. Writing can be as simple as talking on paper. Writing can come from remembering, answering questions, retelling a story, or fantasy.  Writing can be sparse, prolific, simple, or complex. The voice can be from the first person I and me perspective or the third person he says, she says. In personal discovery writing the author may include all of the above!  You don’t even have to like to write or draw or dance to benefit from the insights which can arise from these creative processes.

Purposeful Writing

Purposeful writing has intent. Purposeful writing is focused. Purposeful writing is the process to a goal.

Writing without purpose is simply writing. And, there is nothing wrong with writing in this manner. For people who keep a daily journal of their lives, these writing may someday hold some insight. Journal writing can certainly provide a retrospective to life over time. Often people want to journal, but because there is no real intent for the writing (other than a chronicle), too many times the writing just drops off. The commitment wanes.

In purposeful writing, the author sets out to walk on a particular writer’s path today, and seeks out specific insights now, all within a short or designated period of time. Reflection is part of the writing process and deepens the writer’s understanding and the topic at hand. Purposeful writing brings meaning to intentional discovery. Even “non-writers” can find great satisfaction from focused and purposeful writing.

The gratitude journal is one form of purposeful writing. Its focus is gratitude; all of the writing is meant to help the author think around topics of gratitude and thus assimilate the positive thinking gratitude promotes. The goal is to breathe in and partake of the goodness of life through conscious writing.

Storybooks for Healing uses purposeful writing through prompts and group discussion to help the bereaved hear and understand the impact that life, love and loss has exerted on their grief of today. This insight integrates the grief in a way through which their loved one, and the loss itself, becomes the author’s story, too. Thus, fear of forgetting or their loved one being forgotten, is lessened; the past is resolved in light of current feeling; and important memories are preserved. There is purpose to this task of focused writing.

Grief Reflection, the personal blog of SFH Founder Joan Hitchens, is an example of purposeful writing. Although there are not any specific prompts, each day of writing is structured by the author to respond to grief in context to her life, work and current experience of loss. This goal means the reflections are thematic and provide insight into deeper levels of many aspects of loss, and in this case anticipated loss, itself. The goal of discovery for this purpose is to share the writing, thinking and feeling process, along with the universality of grief in order to not be alone, preserve the stories, and preempt ongoing grief by actively confronting the anguish as it occurs. By providing a purpose, writing becomes cathartic and insightful.

Other Forms of Expression

Dreams. Many people who are experiencing intensified emotions, significant changes in life or focused writing may notice more active dreaming. Dreams do occur regularly, but many people do not remember them unless there are particularly vivid, active or special to the dreamer. With some effort, dreams can be remembered and a doorway into purposeful writing.  If you find yourself remembering your dreams or even just pieces of them, write them out like a story and see what happens. As you write, more dreams will appear.

Art. Drawing, painting, and other art forms can also be an expressive way to bring feelings and ideas to light. Color, texture, use of space, and representative objects are all part of the artist’s discovery palette. Adding story to the art presentation enhances the experience.

Music. Music, rhythm and sound have powerful effects on all ages. Music can be used to set moods for activities or relaxation, as a tool for group programs, or to communicate through non-verbal expression.

Poetry. Another form of writing, poetry provides parameters, sound and meter to words, even visual cues to this form of expression.

Movement and drama. From yoga to dance to dramas, the body has a memory that can be revived through movement, breathing and dramatic activities. Through physical exertion, improvisation, role-playing, and “staged” exercises, participants in these types of creative expression can produce profound insights.

Photography. This visual media can be the viewpoint to literally picture the world as you desire as photographer, as graphic artist compiling montages or as the story keeper of past events using existing photos.  In grief work, photos are an important connection and reminder of the deceased and the life once lived no matter how few or many the year or long, nor how recent or distant the event.

Coming Fall, 2011…

The Storybooks for Healing and Grief Reflection Online Journal Community:  Your Personal Purposeful Writing and Expression Tool. Stay tuned!

My dad always bought sentimental Valentine’s Day cards for my mom, sister and me. The serious, mushy kind. I remember one year his girlfriend bought funny cards for them both to sign. I eventually worked up the nerve to tell him I missed the old ones. He smiled and said he liked those better too, and went back to them after that.

Biggest Fan

I could always count on my dad to be my biggest fan. He encouraged my love of cooking, eating anything I made. No matter how it turned out, he always claimed it was the best he had ever tasted. Over the years, I sang in a few bands. My dad saw me perform with all but one of them, often driving for hours to catch a show. Once I began writing music seriously, he would listen carefully to every demo. Without fail, he would predict, “Now, THAT’S a hit!”

It was a good life, knowing my dad would always support my dreams, celebrate my successes, and be my safe harbor no matter what.

You know what happens next, though. One night, a few hours after calling just to say hi, he died. No warning. No chance to say goodbye. After a full day’s work, he simply went home, got into bed and died.

That was ten years ago, almost to the day. I’m not going to tell you there’s no more sadness. There will always be tears to fight back when I see father-daughter Valentine’s Day cards. I still catch myself wondering what he would have thought of something I’m doing, but I try and honor him in ways he would have liked. I celebrate his memory with my husband and children, whom he loved deeply. I pass down the lessons he taught me.

My mother died ten years before him. After months of tearful calls from me, he told me something I’ll never forget. He said his own mother had shared these words after his beloved grandmother died. She explained he was still Grandma’s special boy, but told him, “Life is for the living.”

Stopped Cold

Life is for the living? This stopped me cold. Why, after a lifetime of constant encouragement and love, would he say something so heartless to me? I didn’t understand at the time. It was too soon, perhaps, to accept the gift. He was right, of course. What sounded void of that encouragement and love I’d come to expect was actually full of both. He was putting me back on track. Later I thanked him and we had a beautiful talk about losing our mothers. I was struck at both the depth of his years-old grief as well as his ability to live fully in spite of it.

While going through his things, I found a Valentine he made for his mother when he was five. It was serious and mushy. She saved it, he saved it, and now I save it. Like the Valentine, her lessons are still in the family.

Life is for the living, I am still Daddy’s girl, and Valentines should be mushy.

* * * * *

 
Words can have a powerful affect on our well-being. Words of love and encouragement heal. Words of bitterness and pain destroy. Words can inspire and motive. Words can depress and deplete. Words spoken by people we love and respect have a great impact on our feelings.

Words we tell ourselves have the same power to uplift or paralyze. In grief, you need words of action and inspiration to cut through the painful experience of loss.  As you turn the calendar to the new year, make a resolution to act on these twelve words that you add to your personal healing vocabulary.

Fulfill: to carry out order; to satisfy something.

Fulfill one of your personal desires that you’ve put off until “later.” Later is now! Take a class, go on that trip, become what you’ve only thought about. Fulfill means taking action on a promise to yourself.

Imagine: form an image in the mind; assume something.

Imagine your future in a positive, happy state. You can put your imagination to work on a long term future or just to get through to the end of your day. Imagine a surrounding and feelings that make you warm, safe, comforted. Imagine is the action that draws a map for your success.

Create: make something; give rise to something.

Create a tangible memory. Art, dance, music, storybook, card, sculpture, photography, poetry. Find a way to preserve your creation. Create is an action to give form to feelings.

Volunteer: do something by choice; offer free help.

Volunteer your time and skills to an organization in need. Choose a cause that matters to you. It does not have to be related to your loss. The smallest offer can yield large rewards. Volunteer service is an action of self-worth and contribution to the world.

Breathe: take in air.

Breathe deeply to bring yourself into the present moment when the fog of grief is heavy. Breath is life. Breathing is an action of choosing life, hope and acceptance in the face of difficult moments.

Reflect: send something back; say something to self thoughtfully.

Reflect on concerns and worries to give them credibility and find solutions. Reflect on joys and happy memories to magnify their value in your life. Reflection is an action of acknowledgment and appreciation.

Write: put words on paper; compose for publication.

Write in a journal for yourself and for posterity. Feelings, memories, musings. Love, hate, anger.  Sorrow, wonder, loss. Writing is an action of discovery.

Forgive: stop being angry about something; pardon somebody.

Forgive the injustices committed and the words misspoken that make you bitter. Forgive your own transgressions. Forgiveness is the action of releasing negative feelings and accepting all human qualities.

Hope: want or expect something; confident desire.

Hope for happy endings, new beginnings, great deeds and further reach. Dare to dream about the way you want your life to be. Hope is the action of optimism.

Educate: teach somebody; develop something.

Educate your way to the next level of being and understanding. To teach you must learn. Education is the action of empowerment to yourself and others.

Assess: determine amount.

Assess where you are today, in the moment, from one to ten. Name the topic (crying spells, grief level, emptiness, etc.) from best to worst. What will it take to be or feel one step better? One level happier?  Determine how you can change your situation one step toward “better.” Assessment is the action tool for incremental gains.

Talk: express something by speaking; reveal information.

Talk your way to feeling better. Talking aloud helps you hear your own thoughts. Do you need answers or just to talk? Talk with trusted advisers for solutions, or talk to good listeners to vent. Talking is the action of expression.

Action Heals

 
Grief lessens when you take action to heal: assimilating your loss in your changed life; finding ways to remember, honor, and memorialize your loved one; and learning who you are with and without this person. The journey time varies for each person. But the steps are often the same.

These words above can be taken in any order, repeated, skipped or modified! You might choose one each month for all of 2011. You can adopt them simultaneously, or layer a new word as you are ready to take on another challenge. The point is to choose to take some action that makes you feel better!

New! Print and Post 12 Healing Words PDF for your home or office wall.

What do you think? Which ideas are new,  or a needed reminder, or intriguing to you? What other action words have you found inspiring you as you work through your grief and loss?

How often have you heard this question in the past week? The implied reference is “have your bought all the presents for family and friends for Christmas? Have you done the shopping, baked the goodies and decorated the house? You may not even celebrate Christmas and you are faced with this question as a means of casual conversation!

Winter holidays are more than gifts. For most, whether the celebration is Hanukkah or Christmas, even Kwanzaa, the spiritual and cultural meanings are still foremost in the celebration and can be a great source of comfort and tradition. However, once you’ve faced a significant loss, the holidays change, and there is an added stress of recalling memories about your loved one who died. How were they part of the celebrations? What role did he or she take in the meaning and traditions? “Missing” is a big word this time of year.

Starting as early as October, each special day of note – from Halloween to New Year’s – carries unspoken traditions, memories, family activities and pangs of loss. It’s no wonder that by the middle of December the pressure can be immense.

Holidays and “the giving season” may have already been emotionally charged for you. Now add the commotion of gatherings, “good cheer” and seeing others enjoy their families may just underscore that you have a hole in your life. As one young woman, whose mother died a short time ago, remarked, “Sometimes I just want to be alone. I don’t want anyone near. Am I normal?” Yes! And wanting to not be alone can be normal too! By voicing her concern aloud and learning that others have felt this way too, she was reassured. Most importantly, she asked and shared her worries. The changes after loss can wax and wane, and sometimes seasons and holidays bring out new, unexpected memories.

Take One Step at a Time, and Whichever One You Need

Silence is not golden. Reflection on your loss, identifying your fears and pain, and giving voice to memories can help you. Grief comes out in a combination of physical, emotional and behavioral changes. So coping solutions can also be found in all these areas, too.

• Walk and talk, or walk and reflect. Physical exercise can be a great release and invigorates your heart and mind. Go alone, or be accountable by walking routinely with a friend.
• Schedule your time with an eye on balance, especially this time of year. It is not necessary to attend every event. But do participate. If you are saying “yes” to everything or “no” to everything, give yourself a check on whether this is a balanced amount of activity in your life.
• “Retire” the traditions that are most difficult. Accept them as past traditions. You can add them back again later when keeping the tradition brings more joy than pain. You can also evolve a new tradition from the old, or create a fresh one you pick up from other friends or families.
• Include self-care time. Read a book, get a massage, enjoy a movie, and yes, indulge in a good cry as needed. Laughter is great, too. Let feelings — all of them — out.
• Help someone else. Ironically, when you reach out to others in need you find a silver lining in your own life.
• Call to talk with a trusted friend, family member or join a support group. Check with your church, hospital, medical center or hospice organizations for resources if you need to find new options.
• Look at how far you’ve come so far in your grief journey. What have you learned? Are you doing some things today that a few days, weeks or months ago you didn’t think you could? Measure what is working for you. And if it works, do it again.
• Write to remember! Give purpose to your words. Write for Grief Reflection in the SFH journal Community. Wrap up the perfect journal and give it to yourself — something you can’t wait to write in. Order and download the SFH Start to Finish Guide to Discover, Publish and Share Your Loved One’s Life Story. Then, get started! Frame a photo -– be sure to write up and include the story along with it. Create story cards on My Storybook Publisher — one simple but important memory at a time. For more writing ideas, read Stories Can Heal.
• Assess the stress. Is it external, i.e., other people’s expectations on you, or internal, i.e., the pressure you put on yourself to do it all? Either way, decide what is best for you and give yourself permission to change your mind, make different plans, leave early or stay a  little longer when you are enjoying yourself. You can’t change how other people act, but you can manage how your respond and what choices you make.
• Remind yourself that “this too shall pass.” Some moments may be feel like they get suspended in time, but stop, take a deep breath and allow yourself to experience the feelings right in the moment.

As busy  as you may be taking care of everyone else, be sure to give yourself time and room for your grief. Sometimes all it takes is just a little bit of acknowledgment and a deep breath to take one step farther on the long road toward healing. The first year is the most changed, but no year is ever the same. The holidays, like every week and every month, now become part of your new normal.

Storybooks For Healing extends best wishes to you and your family this holiday season and into the new year.

I thought about this over a couple of days because the first days of loss are different than a few weeks later. I thought about everything I’ve come across  – clinical, academic, experiential, personal, and anecdotes from bereaved – on the early days of loss and grief. I realized there are  recurring themes:  the need to not feel alone; the role of memories which can be bittersweet, yet comforting; and, how the blur of shock can render time and thoughts invisible or forgotten.

I thought on what our needs as humans are during these changes after loss? Comfort. Love. Support. Can story provide these needs? I think yes, story certainly does provide comfort, love, and support.

Great Gift

What I concluded is that story is a great gift. It is a long term gift that may not be unwrapped immediately, but saved for the right moment. That moment may be today or may be next year. It is up to the recipient to unwrap or view on his or her own time.

Then I thought about how story is delivered. Stories are spoken. Stories are written. Stories are in photographs. Stories are found in montage videos and music. Some stories are silent memories. Some stories are universal. Some stories are specific.

But how can story bring comfort, love and support in the first days of in memoriam?

One of the suggestions on this post was to give a journal. That’s nice, but unless the recipient already writes they are not likely to begin writing out the pain of grief, much less the stories that can comfort. The blank pages can be daunting. If true, would a journal bring comfort or loneliness?

Sympathy Cards bring comfort. Not so much for the canned words as beautiful as they can be, but for the signature and the short heartfelt message of the giver’s support. If you want to start with a blank page, the card is the place – for your words of comfort, love and support. We know that many people hold those cards dear and re-read them later, just as one might with a set of love letters.

Two Ways to Give the Gift of Story

I propose that there are two ways the Gift of Story help heal a broken heart.

In the first days, weeks, or months the stories need to come from outside to the bereaved as a gift of comfort, love and support. After a few weeks or months, the stories need to come from inside the griever, to validate the loved one’s life as well as his or her own life, both together and separate.

A SFH participant once tell me that she was so mad at everyone who was laughing and telling stories the days after her daughter died in a car crash. She didn’t even want to be in the room. Now, years later, she says that she would give anything to know those stories.

In the immediacy of loss there is much for everyone to do and absorb. It is very common for this time to be foggy. So, not everything you offer is easily or even necessarily remembered by the family. The best gift you can provide needs to be something that can be examined again later; which is why people keep and read their cards more than once. The memorial Gift of Story is a written vignette for the closest members of the family.  It should convey, “You are loved by me, and were loved by the person who died. And, here is the story to prove it.”

Here are some ideas:

• Find a card that has words to address Comfort, Love and Support. Add your personal sentiment and love.
• If you have a photo, include a copy or make a card along with the story of why you like the photo, or what it means or represents in the lives of the people in the photo.
• Recall a positive experience about what the person who died said about the one you want to comfort. Not just “loved you” but a specific “he was proud of you when,” “she always said this great story,” “he liked this quality about you,” or even “here’s how you made her feel.” This works well in a blank card.
• Share an example of what the deceased taught you. This is especially thoughtful from the friends or co-workers to show the extended impact of the loved one on the rest of the world. What positive attribute will you carry with you from having known this person?

These stories may come to you days later or after the memorial. Don’t let that stop you from sharing the memory. It may actually be more appreciated a few days and even weeks later. Send it when it comes to you.

Other memorials gifts can include the written word of others, such as a book that is age appropriate and loss appropriate so the recipient learns they are not alone. Or, choose something cuddly and warm to wrap (comfort) themselves such as a blanket or stuffed toy and provides permission to cry. After a couple of months, offer a commitment to share your time (love) each week or month in an activity that creates a new routine such as tea or coffee talk, walks around the block, workout together, join a book or dinner club, provide babysitting or other appropriate support.  Call it First Monday or something similar so you will both recognize the day for you to get together (support- this does not have to be about the loss).

The Hidden Gifts of Story

After a few months, even years – and this time frame is variable – many people in grief still need to talk about and share their loss. Unfortunately this is the time when most support systems dissipate or the outside world begins to tell the person in grief that it is time to be “over it” and “move on.” Now, the Gift of Story takes a new turn. This time the stories must come from the bereaved to his or her self, to family, to friends and perhaps to others who are experiencing a similar loss.

The only way to get out of the pain from grief is to take action, to work one’s way outward into assimilating the new normal. Writing and Reflection is the SFH method of action. From personal release through writing to research into the life of their loved one, the end result is the tangible storybook that comforts, expresses love and validates the lives of everyone connected to the deceased. Mostly it affirms that the loved one really matters still because we all carry part of that person within us. When someone experiencing grief takes the steps to discover, publish and share those stories there is healing, new energy, purpose and a knowledge that  memories are safe and lasting.

Storybooks for Healing was specifically founded to assist people of all ages to Discover, Publish and Share this second Gift of Story. The important aspect of storytelling at this juncture is support through peers, family, friends or community groups. There are several ways to help someone preserve the important memories:

• Listen and record. Be supportive and understanding that grief can go on for a long time. Write or audio record the stories for use in a storybook later.
• Find or request a SFH peer support writing program. This is especially helpful for getting past a loss from months or years past when the griever feels alone in the journey.
• Order the SFH Start to Finish Writing Guide to Discover, Publish and Share Your Loved One’s Story Writing.
• For those who already can detail their story, order a gift coupon for a storybook to be written using  the SFH online My Storybook Publisher.

You can give the Gift of Story by sharing and adding to the memories, providing the opportunity to create a lasting memento, and listening. Story is powerful and lasting.  Each one is a gift of love comfort and support to anyone in grief. Help make it last through the written word and Storybooks For Healing.

We don’t forget, nor should we. In fact, acknowledging our loss and remembering is far more effective than burying our feelings with our loved one. Keeping this person or pet alive in a readable format allows you to visit anytime and remain close. Writing stories heals your heart paragraph by paragraph.

In the immediate days after a loss, family and friends gather and talk and perhaps even revel in the antics and personality of your loved one. Your pain was deep at this time and you may not even have understood how anyone could be telling stories, much less laughing. You were probably in a state of shock even if the death followed an illness; you could not absorb all that was happening around you. Now, though, you wish you could go back and hear those stories and remember what others said. You read the cards that were sent, and especially the ones that included a personal remembrance about your loved one. You take comfort in the written story. You feel better that someone else cared.

Why Writing?

Telling and sharing stories is good, but writing them is better. Writing provides permanence and safekeeping of precious memories. Writing helps you reflect on important moments. Writing ensures a safe distance for difficult subjects. Writing opens conversations with a purpose. Writing measures time passing and distance in your journey without forgetting.

Getting started on your stories about you loved one or about your grief journey takes desire and a little organization. Most of all, decide on a goal for your writing. By creating a definable task you will get the most of the process and lasting results. Recognize that writing solely for yourself and writing for an audience require different steps, and both are healing.

Here are some ideas to consider:

• Keep a journal. If you are already disciplined in writing, free writing for a few minutes regularly is very liberating. Consider rewriting and publishing special memories in a card or storybook for sharing with family and friends.
• Start a notebook of questions and answers. Pose a question to yourself at each writing session, even if “how am I feeling today?” Or “Why can’t I remember…” Then answer it. If many questions pop into your head just write it out on top of a new page for answering later.
• Think creatively. Draw (even use crayons!) your mood and describe it. Look around you, take a photo and write a memory, especially for those familiar activities you shared with your loved one. Each season brings about new memories, especially the first year after your loss.
• Choose 10 to 20 photos and write a caption for each. Publish. Send. Frame. Enjoy.
• Utilize Social Media. Facebook, blogs and other online networks can be an outlet for what you’ve learned, helping others, acknowledging your loss, and sharing stories. You need not be alone as you are an expert in your grief.
• Interview friends and family for specific stories. Ask. You’ll be surprised by the answers. Record on tape then transcribe for your stories.
• Ask for stories at gatherings: keep a guest book requesting a story; or have a notepad handy  that friends or family can write on and leave in a memory box.
• Already written your story? Publish a Storybook for Healing – a beautiful, custom hardcover photo storybook you can make online easily. Keep nearby for anytime you need to recall the life and love you shared.
• Be proactive. Publish a SFH Journey Card of photos and short story to send to family and friends on important dates – birthday, anniversary. Don’t wait for others to bring up the subject. They might not know how.
• Seek out a bereavement writing group for additional support. Storybooks For Healing offers an eight week writing program specifically for overcoming grief and preserving the important stories of your loved one in a safe and healing environment.

Write to remember. Your loved one does matter. This person is part of you and who you’ve become and what you are to be. Embrace the memories as you adjust to this change in your life. As you write, you will find that stories can help heal your heart.

Put your heart into it.

There are many ways to express your deep concern and support for a friend or family member when they have lost a loved one.  I have found that when you put your heart into what you write it makes all the difference.  One of the cards I received simply said, “I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you all week, and I will keep you in my prayers.”  It was from a friend’s mother that I did not know very well, but I was so touched that she would take the time to send a card.  I could feel the love and sincerity in the note and it made a lasting impression on me.

Know your audience.

People have many belief systems when it comes to death, grief and the burial process.  Religion, culture, family experiences, personality, the age of the person and their gender can all impact how they handle the grieving process.  It is important to take these factors into consideration when offering your support.  As an example, an older person that is religious may appreciate a more conservative card with an appropriate Bible reference.  A younger person may enjoy a little humor to bring joy into what can be a very heavy emotional experience.  It is important to remain supportive and not diminish the person’s feelings or beliefs.  This is not a time to “preach” to someone.  It is a time to reach out and open your heart.

Offer your support.

The most fundamental thing you can offer someone in grief is your support.   My friend Michele sent me this note after my mom passed away, “We will be there to do those things you are not able to” and she really was.  She helped make phone calls to my family the night my mom passed away, she was there at the memorial service, and was there through all the ups and downs as I recovered from this great loss.
I have found that most people appreciate knowing you care about them and that you are there to support them.  A simple note of encouragement like this one can make all the difference, “Please know that I’m willing to help you out in anyway you might need me to during this difficult time. I’d love to bring your family dinner or take you out for coffee if you ever need to talk.”

My old roommate used to send me cards on my mom’s birthday as a reminder that she was thinking of me.  My aunt sends her sister-in-law a card on the anniversary of her son’s death just to let her know that she is not alone.   The grieving process can take time and knowing your friends and family are there throughout the journey can help you heal.

I am deeply appreciative of all the love and encouragement I have received from my friends and family through the many loses in my life.   My greatest hope is that everyone receives that kind of deep support when they are going through a loss.

Scanning turns photograph, slides, photo album pages, negatives and other memorabilia into a computer digital format for storage, sharing and creating printed gifts and storybooks. In order to make the best use of your time and money there is one important question you’ll want to answer before you get started.

Why am I scanning?

A roadmap is only good if you know your destination! You can scan at very high resolutions making large, cumbersome and sometimes computer choking files. But the question is: do you need to? Not always. Sometimes too much file information just uses computer space, makes it impossible to share and takes up a lot of your time and energy. Then again, there is a frustration for those who have scanned all their photos only to need to do so again because technology changes or they didn’t consider the long term usage. When you know what you want to achieve, then you can target your scanning work for efficiency and quality. Here are the main reasons you may be scanning your old photos:

• Send or share online either through e-mail or on social network sites such as Facebook.
• Preserve, restore or change (such as cropping) the original for home printing.
• Create professionally printed projects such as Storybooks for Healing books and cards.
• Archive high quality photos for future generations.

Scanning made simple

Fortunately, most scanners have easy options for you to choose settings based on how you will use your scanner. This may be called the home mode, or automatic mode. Your scanner set up will be according to how you answer the questions. You can successfully do all your scanning in the automated mode. Jump to scanning tips if you use these settings or already know about scanning.

Scanner software usually has a custom or professional mode as well, which gives you total control over multiple settings. If you are the family historian, want more creative use of your scanner, or have many types of memorabilia to scan, then understanding the basics of image resolution, color and file formats will help you get just the file you want for your intended use.

Scanning: Finished size and print resolution

You may have heard about DPI, or dots per inch, in reference to the digital world of images. DPI refers only to printer resolution, or how many dots per inch are used to print the image. There is also PPI, or pixels per inch, which is the actual resolution measurement for digital images themselves. Computer monitors, televisions and digital frames also use pixels in their measurement. You may often hear the two interchanged, although PPI is becoming more common in usage.

Image resolution is not as complicated as it seems once you remember that digital image size is based on pixels and printing is based on dots!  If you scan a 5” x 7” photo at 300 DPI (the printer setting), you’ll get a photo that is 1500 pixels (5” x 300 DPI= Pixels) x 2100 pixels (7” x 300 DPI= Pixels). These are the numbers you’ll see in your photo software for dimensions.

Once scanned, the image will contain this number of pixels regardless of the size you print. Most scanners list the resolution setting based on DPI for your print output rather than in PPI. The dimensions setting will be found in target size of your scan, and you can specify inches or pixels.

Most often you will want to set your scanner output based on the original photo size for print. That would be 100% in size for print use at 300 DPI. This means that a 3×5 photo will print at 3×5 in your storybook.  This is the default for most home use scanner settings.

A Few More Details to Consider

There are times when you want to customize the settings. An example would be to enlarge a small school photo you have. If you scan a 1”x 1” photo at 600 DPI then you can safely turn it into a 2” x 2” photo, by halving the resolution.  In another example, if you expect to crop a photo but want the same finished size, scan to enlarge (higher DPI), because when you remove the edges (crop) you will be making the overall photo dimension smaller. It doesn’t matter if your setting is a higher percentage at 300 DPI, or 100% at a higher resolution. The total finished pixel dimensions will be the same.  In other words, that 5×7 photo scanned in 150% at 300 DPI is the same as a scan in 100% at 450 DPI. Both are 2350 x 3150 pixel images.

For best results check your scanner for the maximum optical scan rate as this is based on the quality of the lens rather than software enhanced resolution. If you have lots of tiny photos or slides, you’ll want a scanner designed for capturing with a high optical lens or one for made for slides.

The more pixels in an image, the larger the file size. People who make website images use a small file size based on the output of a 72 PPI computer monitor because smaller images load more quickly. If you have ever tried to print an internet graphic on your printer you know that the resolutions are not compatible because you end up with a pixilated, grainy picture! Or, if someone has ever sent you an e-mail with a huge photo it is because it was a full resolution printer file you are viewing  on your screen resolution!

One last thought on resolution… depending on your photo program, camera or scanner, sometimes your files are stored in 72 dpi files based on computer resolution or they may be stored in the capture of 300 DPI. You likely have different sizes within your files because some were downloaded from your camera, some came from friends, and others you scanned. It’s like the car side mirror: Some objects may be closer than they appear, only some photos may be smaller than they appear! Again, refer to your software photo viewer for details on size and resolution of the file.  If you seek out the PPI measurement then you can quickly convert to a safe print size by dividing by 300 DPI. (2100 PPI / 300 DPI = 7“ Print)

The good news is that when you create your Storybook for Healing project you will get a warning if the resolution of your photo will not print at quality resolution. Either adjust the photo size in the book, or scan again with settings adjusted to the desired finished size.

A Few Words on Color

Just like you have different resolution for printing and computer viewing, there are different color modes for prints and monitors. The good news is that when you use the SFH publisher we make the adjustments to optimize the best color output. However, understanding how color affects your scan can help you get the best scan. Starting with great files will give you the results you want: capturing the story and photo rather than becoming distracted by a poor quality photo.

Color you see from the scanner, on your computer monitor, and printers have different color defining output. The scanner, just like your digital camera, TV and computer monitor, produce the color in three colors known as RGB (red, green blue). Printers use four colors (or more) known as CMYK (Cyan, Magenta, Yellow, Black). If you are printing to your own printer, you may want to convert the settings to CMYK (Cyan, Magenta, Yellow, Black) in your photo program for your final picture. If you have ever printed a picture that looked beautiful on your computer monitor only to have a color shift on the final print, it’s because your monitor uses the three colors and your printer uses four to define the same information. For SFH projects, keep your files in the standard RGB. We’ll make the conversion. Most home equipment will compensate for your color, too, but this is one explanation when you have a color problem to overcome.

Black and White is only two colors – black and white! Used mostly for line art, black and white can also be a good choice for reproducing text, letters and documents.  Grayscale is the best choice for what we call black and white photos to restore to the original depth of grays in between. For photos, you may want to scan in color and use software to convert to black and white. If the original is “black and white” you can choose color, which might pick up the blue or sepia discoloration of old photos, or scan the original using the grayscale setting for a closer to original scan. For documents, preview in both black and white and grayscale to see which looks best before you scan.

Saving and File Formats

File formats such as JPG, TIF, GIF and PDF, each have different uses in the world of graphics. Storybooks for Healing products use JPG (called j-peg). This is the compressed format most commonly used, and the usual format downloaded straight from digital cameras and scanners.

Uncompressed formats, such as TIF, are used for photo restoration, archives and safekeeping of high resolution originals. Professionals may keep their Photoshop or other software formats as the original file. Digital cameras may also include RAW format, which allows the user to make camera setting changes in exposure and other settings after the picture is taken.

PDF files are most often used for document sharing. This is not recommended as a photo storage format.

Start Scanning!

Read through your scanner’s documentation for the features to help you automate scanning. Here are the two most used options for photo scanning.  Often there is a document scanning mode or other options as well.

Simple: Use automatic or home scan features. Easy, quick, covers most needs.

• Look for the best photo quality setting, or appropriate media such as newspaper, document, etc. Match your setting to the item scanned.
• Program usually will scan entire page size regardless of your target.
• Use color restore if available for photos and you want “original” colors rather than aged photos.
• Use dust removal if available and needed. Be aware that this sometimes comes at the expense of overall sharpness.

Advanced: Select more options or create multiple files from page of photos.

• Look for the DPI setting. Use 300 DPI minimum for use in professional printing.
• Select individual photos with the marquee tool (drag a box around each photo) so you’ll have one file per photo. You may be able to select several individual photos on each page (such as a scrapbook page) this way.
• Review the final size – scan at 100% even if you expect to use a smaller version. If you’ll never use that 8” x10” at 8” x 10” for your digital projects, then you can target a smaller size to keep.
• If you want to enlarge, either scan at higher DPI (e.g., 100% at 600 dpi) or use higher percentage (e.g., 150%) at 300 DPI. Consider the final usage.

Adjust color, red eye, contrast, etc. for each photo as desired. Remember, your computer screen color and printer colors will not always match exactly unless you’ve calibrated the colors to be compatible. Usually the defaults are perfectly fine. You can also make these adjustments using the tools found in the SFH My Storybook Publisher.

Tips for Scanning

• Clean the glass. You’d be amazed at how much dust can appear on the print that you don’t see while scanning. After your first scan, review the photo at full screen on your computer. Most computers have software included to manage photos.
• Clean the glass! Old photos especially leave dust behind as you scan. Check regularly and dry wipe the glass as you go. Use a lint free cloth.
• Protect the glass. Once scratched you’ll be leaving a mark on all subsequent scans. Occasional use of a windshield product that protects glass can be helpful for maintaining ease of cleaning. Use cautiously; this may void your warranty. Check with your manufacturer for compatibility.
• Protect the glass!  It’s fun to scan odd sized, special photo frames, or unique 3-D objects. Use a transparency (found at office supply stores) between the glass and object to decrease the chance of scratches.
• Check the photo itself for dust. Be careful not to scratch the photo. Gently dust it with a lint free cloth before scanning.
• Slide the photo to the edge of the glass to help ensure straight edges. Watch out. Old photos often have uneven border edges that skew the alignment.
• Create an organizational plan for naming your files. Order by year, activity or family. Do what makes sense to you.

Ideas for scanning

• Photos:  Scan both with and without original mat. Sometimes the mats are part of the charm and help give a visual clue to the era of the photo. Same goes for the bordered prints. Cropping the edges out is easier than having to scan again if you decide to preserve the original border.
• Documents: marriage certificates, love letters, awards, newspaper clippings.
• Textiles: Favorite clothing, use as textures for backgrounds, memory sparklers as a tablecloth.
• 3-dimensional items: medals of honor, special gifts, book covers, items representing favorites.

Starting with good digital photos or memorabilia means a better quality book! Scanning is similar to the construction maxim: measure twice, cut once. Your preparation in choosing the best photos, a quality scanner, and knowing your final output will make the task run smoothly.

Have more scanning questions? Ask them here or share your scanning tips, lessons, or successes for others to try.

Grief has its own timetable and is an individual process.  We filter our current reaction to loss through our past experiences.  For the two siblings in the example above, perhaps one was closest to the mother, and the other to the father. For the couple for whom one openly grieves and the other seems to not care, it may be that the stoic one feels the need to appear strong in the moment. Your support group, as helpful as it is, likely has recent losses mixed with longer past losses which means there are vastly different needs at the same time.

To communicate effectively about your loss – listening and responding – the people talking need to be on the same page! The heart of the Storybooks for Healing (SFH) program is the participant’s Grief Reflection workbook and eight weekly group discussions. In SFH, regardless of type of loss and relationship, everyone is literally on the same page which provides an important common ground for meaningful conversation.

Here’s why you’ll want to be on the same page when you seek support, whether from family, friends, church or a support group:

Group Dynamics

It doesn’t matter if you have two people, ten people or ten thousand people, each group tackling a subject together is unique. That’s good news, because the more people you speak with the more perspectives you’ll hear. The more you tell your story, the more you assimilate both facts and associated feelings into your present life.

No one need accept all which may be offered by group members because ultimately the individual is the decision-maker on his or her actions, accepts what makes sense to his or her own life circumstances and determines if the information validates, enhances or furthers his or her viewpoint. Ideally, a group provides reflection, or responds in like manner, rather than give advice or “shoulds” unless requested. As long as the group, even a family, has the same goal in mind, with a sincere intent of support and non-judgment, the interplay of all involved can be reassuringly helpful.

Everyone who joins a SFH support group has committed to themselves personally, and to the group as a whole, to travel this leg of their grief together. Each brings responsibility and reciprocity. With a defined time of eight weeks, there is an understanding that there will be an “end” in sight.  Because each participant is coming into the program at the same time, they start equally no matter how long since the death of their loved one. These parameters create a safe environment so that participants in SFH are all on the same page for peer support, and the best foundation for a dynamic group.

Heading My Way?

With group members committed to the same goal, the next layer of support is to make sure that the conversation also has common direction. For example, in school, becoming educated in a particular class subject is your common goal. Your teacher provides reading and/or writing assignments related to promoting thought and discussion. Book clubs, hobby groups, professional and trade associations, jury duty, or any special interest group are all tied by a common subject thread. The most productive discussion within these groups is when learning taking place because ideas and experiences brought to the table actually differ. This is not meant to be argumentative, but perspective.

Why not grief and loss as the subject? You are already an expert on the topic, but who can help lead you through the conversation with others?  Often in grief, you are amidst ambiguous feelings and stressed by the unclear expectations that we and society place upon ourselves. By meeting others who also grieve and seek out answers to the same questions, you are on the same page for processing and expanding your thoughts.

In SFH, participants use Grief Reflection workbooks for organizing their goal, conversations and insight. The workbook consist of questions on Life Reflection so there is factual information on their loved one’s  history; Grief Reflection to gain insight into universal and individual reaction to loss; Reflection on Meaning for seeking deeper understanding of their loss; and Living Forward, to provide perspective on a future of hope. This homework is the “same page” for grievers, which prepares the group to converse fluently in the same language.

Growing Together

To progress from one page to the next page together, there must be collective experiences. In traditional open grief support groups the collective experience is offered, however, not all the participants start on the same page, and therefore not always continue to the “next page” at the same time. If you consider historical events, each generation is bonded through common experiences that become part of their collective make-up: children of the depression era collectively regard money and things more cautiously than the youth today who are reared in a society of disposable excess. Milestone events such as Pearl Harbor Day, President John F. Kennedy’s assassination, Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech, September 11, 2001, wars and world events often define a generation. Even locally, community traditions, celebrations or festivals give character to the inhabitants and become the memories for having lived among that population, such as being “southern” or a “valley girl.” On the smallest level, friends or family with “an inside joke” know this bond as well. For a group to grow together, common experience gives them a sense of belonging.

As a SFH group meets each week, the facilitator leads participants though exercises and discussion that melds the people, their experiences and stories, and conversations into a cohesive group “on the same page.” An exercise such as the SFH “From Devastation to Joy” creates an opportunity for the group to compare and contrast their path of loss feelings. By going through this exercise together, the group defines possibilities that are not usually identified by oneself. In a short amount of time, SFH participants create a bond of knowledge and belonging as they explore and learn about their grief together.

Page by Page

Being on the same page is not to be confused with the well-known and often misapplied Stages of Grief theory. Being on the same page is a conversation with others who really “get” what you are going through in your grief.  The best chance for this conversation is to find a group that is committed to the same goal of relief and support you seek, using common materials that allow for collective experiences and individual interpretation, and be willing to do the hard work of grief so you can embrace the life and love and story of the person you long to make sure is never forgotten.

Have you found yourself on the same page of grief with some family and friends, or is your experience more often that other people don’t understand your loss? Do you think a group can offer more insight than reflection by yourself?

Once this short ceremony is concluded, as a society we tend to say, “that’s it, get back to your life now.” We have a silent code that one year, on the outside, is long enough for anyone to mourn, and perhaps inside we tolerate a shorter period than that. Consider the fact that the average time off from work for bereavement is a mere three days. Yet, we know that grief is inherently longer than a calendar predicts and varies from person to person. Our rituals tend to share this conclusion.

As a nation, America does recognize collective mourning on Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day. Yet, America is made up of many cultures and religions which influence the rituals of death within our borders. In many communities, organizations conduct annual events which bring both cultural and religious traditions, often including their ritual beliefs about the afterlife, to the larger community. Depending on the ethnic or religious make-up of your region, you may be aware of Day of the Dead, (Mexico), All Soul’s Day (Pueblo/Native American), the Celtic origin of Halloween (United States) and Bon Odori (Japan). As well, many religions and cultures have ways to memorialize the anniversary date of individual deaths such as the observation of Yahrzeit in Judaism and  Sraddha in Hinduism. The adopted customs of burial and mourning in any given family, including for how long and when, may be a collection of both religious and ethnic rituals.

Japanese Community Bon Odori

Annually each summer, usually August, throughout the United States, Japanese cultural organizations, often in conjunction with Buddhist churches, host Obon festivals, a religious observance which includes the traditional Bon Odori dance. This event has been particularly prominent in Hawaii, where it spread to the mainland in the 1930s. Today the Obon festival is often a showcase of Japanese food and culture while sharing the traditional dance and ritual of remembrance.

Bon Odori is a circle dance “celebrated as a reminder of the gratitude one should feel toward one’s ancestors… The Bon dance tradition is said to have started in the later years of the Muromachi period as a public entertainment. In the course of time, the original religious meaning has faded, and the dance has become associated with summer.” The dance has variances based geographically within Japan, as some dances include the use of  fans, whereas others do not. Music also may vary according to location, although included in every region.

Regardless, you can be sure drumming, dancing, and food is plentiful at an Obon celebration.  The activities represent an altar offering to the ancestors which call the departed souls to the families. In the evening, as light fades, paper boats are constructed with messages and placed in a body of water with a lantern to carry away the souls of the departed. When people of all nations come together and share in the quiet moment and universal experience of loss, along with the gratitude for life,  there is healing.

Rituals Together or Alone?

Many of us engage in annual rituals related to death. Funeral Homes, grief support organizations and hospices often provide a ceremony to honor the past year’s deceased on Memorial Day, and certainly include rituals in serving families during the immediate time surrounding a death. In addition, there may be occasions such as a balloon release or a community event like Bon Odori. On a personal level, many families or individuals visit the graveside, set a place at the dinner table or light a candle on the anniversary of the death, or on their loved one’s birthday.

Community rituals are one way of giving a public forum to grief and loss. This permission is an acknowledgment that life is a gift, and loss is permanent as we know it. The traditions included in burial, services, and remembrance are found in the history of all cultures and religions in every part of the world. They are variations on a theme as we prepare the deceased for the best send off to the afterlife. The rituals provide us hope in our desire to be reunited again.

Your Rituals

Rituals are comfort. Some are very individual, some are for the entire village. They reinforce our beliefs, and help us remember we are not alone.

We learn from each other. What do you do routinely that comforts you as you remember and honor your loved one? How long have you carried on this ritual? What traditions in your community have you found helpful, or have borrowed from a culture or religion different than your own? Do you think public mourning and ceremonies are beneficial? How long should someone have these rituals?

Last holiday I was given a book from my adult daughter: A Lifetime of Secrets, A PostSecret Book by Frank Warren. I hadn’t heard of this series of books, and was immediately drawn in by the cover art.

PostSecrets originated in 2003 after a dream led the artist to a journey of postcard messages. The use of postcards as a miniature canvas evolved into a group art project. According to the website, “PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard.” Simple.  Extremely profound.

The art submitted is as intriguing as the words. Photographs, past-ups, hand drawn images and art montages illustrate stark and revealing thoughts.  Secrets shared are full of despair and full of hope. Secrets shared are funny and sad. Some secrets remain cryptic, while others leave no doubts. Through them all secrets shared change lives for both the creator and the reader.

PostSecrets are not for the faint of heart. The website list resources for people concerned about suicide. The combined art and confession cover topics of mental health, addiction, spirituality, sexuality, illness, relationships.  As I read, I ran a gamut of emotions from sadness, laughter, shock and surprise that overwhelmed me, yet I was compelled to read on.

The raw, honest look people share anonymously is a rare candor of human thought. Often the process for the sender is what reveals the secret: “It took making this postcard to realize I wasn’t in love anymore.” Doubts and questions surface: “I love the quirks, flaws and imperfections that people have. (I wonder if anyone likes mine.)”   Secrets talk about the future: “I’m so scared that growing up means dying a little inside,” and the past: “The first time I got drunk, my friends left me in an empty room because I blacked out. I woke up naked & bleeding. I was 12.” Scattered among tales of the dark side of life are the dreams, inspiration and hope that secrets also reveal: “If you are waiting for a sign… this is it. Do it. It will be amazing.”

Secrets are hidden pain, guilt, confusion, wishes and hope. Secrets can be about anything! We all have secrets as part of our human experience. Some can devastate. Some can elevate. Many will motivate. I think the reason PostSecrets , and group support programs such as SFH, are so effective in the face of adversity is that we really are not alone in darkness and light if we take the time to tell someone.  If you can accept the wide range of human conditions, this is a definite must-read.

Other titles in the PostSecret series are: PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions form Ordinary Lives, PostSecrets: Confessions on Life, Death and God, My Secret, and The Secret Lives of Men and Women. All are available now through the SFH Amazon Store.

Does this book sound intriguing to you? Would you read this? Is there a similar book you recommend for our readers? Why?