S.T.P (Sanity to Psyche)

dicks

2013-03-20T19:01:00.001-07:00

I don't deserve you, why.? Cause im a wasteful glutton who can't seem to save shit, im impulsive, self destructive, rash and I think some rules just don't apply. I have sympathetic tendencies that come from my childish heart but does that make me a good person? Maybe maybe not. One thing I do know is even if I don't you, I believe I love you more than anyone has ever loved me and believe me jesus, love isn't real its just a coout word to explain how we really feel, I don't know what that means but I believe that to be true. So I thank myself every day at least for the fact I found all of you

From sanity to psycho, we wax and wane, lunar cycles change as you toss and blame
We strive for purity through the lust and pain, I strive for nothing, chaos for the chaos of it
I accept the blame, shame has no meaning to me we don't exist this is true when you realize most of the time im bluffing, the thing about a bluff is its as good as the truth so come on motherfucker time to ante up to find out if this redbeard can hold up to clutch

the damn..

2011-12-30T01:09:00.000-08:00

Shit man Its been a long time
since you and I have gotten together to talk about yours and mine
I miss you bro and that's just the truth..
I don't want to think about all that we've been through
these past few years, the bad times, the thoughts, the tears

Well fuck it man I tried the best that I could
So I could come out of this bullshit understood
Didn't work oh well why bother...
Still feels like were the same from different mothers
All I think about is the laughs and the good times
All you think about is that one time that I fucked up

You got it twisted and I hope someday you realize
That what happened was just stupid and you decide
to let it all go and break a few eggs with me
Like the good old times we've had for these past 10 years
Who was there to give you money to look for a job..
who was there when you needed couch to crash on
who was there to get you a job when you needed it..
we've done these things for each other equally lets not stay conceited..

yeh..

2011-10-29T02:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore
my priorities are fucked up I have no idea what's in store
I'm running in circles but hey its not a bore
my headache lifting, eyesight splitting.
I was always fraid' of it shes even sucking and not spitting

and i'm saving up for my last attack
when I show all my cards I'm gonna point at them and laugh
ok, ok, maybe I wont be laughing
but neither will you when I leave you with this bitch slapping
I've got nothing left but random violence acts
What can you expect when I'm surrounded by all these rats

I gotta put my head down and make my own life happen
I can't rely on news and new things and people to stop steppin
If you aint got my back just get the fuck away from this man
I can't afford to hang with bitches who cant stand to be with this man
I love my closest family, I would never throw em in your pan

2011-09-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

I love that you push me to be who I am and do what I do
I can't even express how much I care about you
and even if I did you would never believe me
because even if you were to leave here
I would be just fine, life would continue down its line
but there will always be that glimmer of memory

that moment of time that I stole from you to be with me
I would always keep that, you can never take that from me
I would keep that forever and have it for a midnight snack
I would keep that on a leash, you can never have it back!
That's the truth and I would think back on it and smile
that I at least had you with me for a while
love lasts a long time, but a memory is forever
and the memory of you will last a lifetime, its now or never

the current chapter

2011-08-13T04:48:00.000-07:00

I wish I was a knight in the medieval ages
sometimes it would seem easier to turn these pages
loyalty, honesty, and undying devotion
are the only true feelings I can think of putting in motion
Its not proper though in this life of today
you get taken advantage of when you act this way

we can pretend though and get away from it all
I can be your knight and you can be my gypsy
I can taste your breath and you can taste my whiskey
I can run away from this and I would take you with me
we can dirty up that mattress and dance until we both bleed

bright red blood the color of crimson is whats inside of us
the fire red passion, it burns inside me as I ride this bus
we can stay together and abuse our trust
sit with each other in the lunchroom and try not to bust
up laughing as were having fun at each others expense
you thought i was gonna be dirty huh?
you cant be dirty no matter what kind of sex you have when its love

and im not talking about anything with white doves
its more like cake with a red jelly filling
its nothing too complex but its just so thrilling
you bake it, you cut it, and you eat it all up
with a tall glass of milk but its still not enough
that's about how I feel about my gypsy
damn, i just can't get enough of my missy

How I feel (don't ever fucking question that - Atmosphere)

2011-08-03T21:41:00.001-07:00

Enough to hold you to the brightest of lights,
to place you dangerously close to that sun,
enough to acknowledge the flaws you can't ignore
and recognize the cause of what's done is done,
more than enough to put my name behind my ideals,
and neglect my logic twice daily.
enough to keep me looking for my Lucy in the sky with gems,
when I remember how you used to call me baby,
enough to look in my mirror with detest for every tear you shed regardless of
why you wept,
enough to curse any man who can't appreciate the depth of the ocean I swam
till I ran out of breath.

I love you, don't ever fucking question that,
that's why we'll probably never get along.
if I was better at finding the right words to say, I wouldn't need to write
these mother fucking songs.

I love you, I love you [faded]
never, don't ever fucking question that, don't ever fucking question that.
riding the public transit,
I study the blank stares to answer my questions of how and why I got so many
grey hairs. I take care of the nervous that runs through my extension cord,
and I reflect on that reoccurring dream where we met the Lord.
single file lines, to give her a pound one at a time but when I faced her-
I attempted to embrace her, she looked so fine,
I awoke from my sleep before her bodyguard had a chance to beat me to
submission and I still walk with my religion.
I watched the children scurry in circles around a two-way mirror,
worrying about which side of the glass projects the reflection clearer.
hear the whispers of the wind trying to get me to grin,
gassing' me up about the love that I plucked and I've been stuck within,
for every eclipse that stares at me from the other side of a paper cup of
espresso-
I light a match beneath a kettle,
and for every set of lips that become attached and equipped with that program
to seek success, I bleed my ethics out a slow drip.
I used to know a man who met a woman, don't remember where,
big beautiful eyes and light brown hair,
she was from the burbs, he was from the south side of the city,
this was back when Franklin avenue was still pretty.
two different worlds apart, but the world is just a small town-
we all know how people like to get down.
here we go, Aquarius, Pisces,
feel the flow of the fluid as I swim through it to free my soul.
bush shoved the cane without the glove numbed the pain.
the magic from up above what it does for the brain,

make the love, paint the picture, write the song, the player met a virgin
made a Virgo named him Sean.
make the love, paint the picture, write the song, the player met a virgin
made a Virgo named him Sean.
make the love, paint the picture and write that song till the break of dawn.

I love you- don't ever fucking question that, that's why we'll probably never
get along. if I was better at finding the right words to say, I wouldn't need
to write these mother-fucking songs [2x]
I love you (make the love, paint the picture, and write that song

short

2011-08-02T22:22:00.001-07:00

I used to chase the demons away with that bottle sitting there
but that didn't do a thing it just kept em in here
the anger, the fear, the sheer ferocity of the ship I steer
sometimes I feel I would have been better suited for the battlefield
killing whatever comes in my path with this sword and sheath

but then I remember this weakness I keep
this fuckin' handicap that's mine I'm stuck in it
Its healed nicely though most wont notice until they see the scars

I was given a second chance at a young age and bit it
and I'm still working on trying to figure out what to do with it.
I'm heading toward goals that seem insignificant in the big picture
I do sit down and thank the sky I at least found her
I have friends, I have family and a good head on my shoulders
please go grant me the strength to hold up these boulders.

Yes I am an asshole

2011-07-16T06:24:00.000-07:00

All I wanna do is put my headphones in and walk away
Its not too much to ask for but I'm here to stay
I don't mean that metaphorically, only physically
I'm progressing insidiously in this otherworldly
lucidity, treking with extreme intrepidity
I have no fear but for fear itself
I'm terrible at poker take away these cards you've dealt

OK I'm done using big words for the fuck of it
my message is clearer when you don't need a dictionary to decipher my shit
I tear you down when I rip, shredding away the tears you've bit
I'm on a new level and you're just collecting cow chips
I don't mean cookies either, you're just playing with shit
get your hands out of there and do something productive
before this whole world turns out like Japan, radioactive

this country wont fix itself so get off your fucking couch
you lazy son of a bitch and at least do something you're good at
except collecting dust on that fat ass you sit
Its the anger that causes this malevolence inside me I try to resist
and help my fellow man at every chance that I get
but sometimes there's no helping you
some things you gotta do for self
I cant make you put on your work shoes, do It yourself
before I snap and kill you all, stupid fucking piece of shit

I don't feel alone

2011-07-14T00:54:00.000-07:00

Rebuilding my life one utensil at a time
like a cleaver in the kitchen I'm writing this rhyme
It's almost like a story I've told just like so many times before
This time I have some help, this time around I don't have to do it by myself
I feel like I have some support under these wings
as I wave them frantically to stay up in these clouds

Life's not what we were told when we were kids
We can't be anything we want to be unless we work hard at it
Even then we might never make it, we just might have the take the best we can get
I remember when life was much simpler
Running back from school with dimples
don't get me wrong, we weren't innocent
drinking at school and smoking weed in the woods we went

With no worries and plain conversations
that didn't at all compare to today's trials and tribulations
but growing up has its ups and downs
I can't complain, I like the person I became
Sure I'm not perfect and I know that better than you
and I'm sure someone will listen to this shit I spew
I can be quite a wealth of knowledge if you give me the chance to shoot

whatever, I might be getting too inebriated
these childhood goals became grownup decisions
so let go of your superstitions and take a chance
I know I am whenever I give it a shot at romance
I can't wait to see what the future brings
but she sure makes me feel fuckin entranced

keep at it

2011-07-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

Fast lies running through an empty head
sometimes I can't even seem to get out of my bed
i keep thinking these dangerous waters I've tread
swimming through an ocean of impostors
I can't seem to think of why I even bother

through and through my life's been upstart
I keep going through memories till I just wanna barf
there's no turning back now I already reapt' what I sowed
even though I still don't feel like I get what I'm owed
and don't get me wrong Its up to me to break this mold
keep running around switch it up and keep getting more cold

this life you can't live on goodwill alone
I keep trying it that way and keep getting thrown overboard
I live life like the captain of a pirate ship
run a tight crew but fuckin' mutinys' a trip
there's nothing you can do when others come after you
just smile and nod, say "yup, do what you do"

sometimes you wanna get angry and throw punches
but that usually ends in a lot of wasted lunches
calm it down and look back on your life
whatever the fight is I bet its not worth the spite
so just throw off your shoes, kick back and have a cold one instead
at least that way you both will have a much better day ahead

2011-07-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

I usually don't post other people's stuff on here but this album really caught my eye. Grieves, newly signed to the rhymesayers label. This is some of the best new hip hop that I have heard in a long time. D I think you will really like this I suggest you get the album if you can. I hope you read this bud!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5So-_z-jkHE

wtf people? these are all true stories by the way

2011-07-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

The first picture was the process of making battered french fries

The first comment was, "you should have wrapped them in bacon"

"I don't eat meat" she replied and he said "oh well never mind."

You can understand my confusion you see, when this, "vegetarian"

was eating a chicken sandwich in the next picture, it was plain there to me

that there was something wrong with this picture, I wonder what it could be..

A self proclaimed anarchist this man claims to be and yes, that is redundancy

He is always ranting and raving about the government and its fees

not rich by any means but well off, living off his parents who feed the machine

if you live off the people who follow the system, isn't that even worse?

at least if you worked for your own benefit you could be independently

perverse, these beliefs you say you hold, wait, stop, think, and turn it in reverse

I saw a woman picketing in an abortion rally, she said "I'm not anti abortion I'm pro life"

After some childish fun and our own sign that we spun to poke a bit of fun at their strife

we put down our sign and went to talk a bit with these people to see what we could find

the same woman we spoke of before said kill em all when asked about the death penalty

that doesn't rhyme but its still ridiculous so deal with it, I'm mostly doing this for my benefit.

This is all I can think of right now but there must be more

people's complete ignorance and hypocrisy is such a fucking chore

we're all guilty even I, at least I know this, so I can catch myself and not be like those

I know we're not perfect people but come on, lets at least give it a try

and maybe be decent human beings to ourselves and each other, we might just survive.

my inner monologue is in rhyme

2011-06-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

I lay here awake and unable to sleep
there are but two things that keep bugging me
the thought of her and the thought of she
wait, those things are one and the same...
I apologize for what the lack of sleep has done to my brain

moving on now theres' story to be told
as I lie here awake pondering my life's mold
time is deceptive truth be told
sometimes it feels like I've known her forever
as we sit around and just simply palaver

I don't know my timings' all off now
I can't seem to write or get my shit together
I'l keep this brief or maybe its longer?
Throughout the confusion though I'm really getting stronger.

A day late

2011-06-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

Fathers day now this ones hard for me
cause when I look for you you're nowhere near here
The choices that you made gave me this life I hold dear
Sure its not the best and I've made some mistakes
and it sure would have been nice to have you near for a smoke break
the childhood memories I hold dear are just dreams until dawn shakes
me awake, but its ok, I still think about you damn near every day

Maybe we don't talk much cause it makes it easier to not miss you
I don't know but it seems like that to me sometimes
cause when i don't interact with someone its easier to keep em out of mind
but thats not right and a poor excuse, I really miss you I'm sure you'l find
I'm happy about your new family, I love a little sister I've never met
I cant help it when I look at her and really I see myself

Its weird how close you can feel even tens of thousands of miles away
I really hope I see you and meet her sometime so that we can play
I'm still a kid at heart through all I've been, that's obvious I'm sure you see
Either way I love you and miss you more than one could say
I really hope that you might read this on this late fathers day.

Escapades on house arrest

2011-06-17T17:50:00.001-07:00

I shouldn't have opened up, I shouldn't have tried to show you my stains
If you only knew how your smile could take away my pain
you would run away from me and try to hide the shame
not your shame, its mine that I'm talking about
I wish we would've met in different circumstances
I really fucking hate these courtship dances

If I only met you in a month or two more my situation would be better
but for now my life hangs on by the pull of someone's lever
I'm not good enough for you, you deserve someone much more clever
my fuck ups are too apparent now and I hate that you can see it
If you only gave me a chance I could prove to you my merit
I would make you happy not sad, I know I could achieve shit

Its too late now, looks like I got dealt the short straw again
I should take this as a learning experience and just smile grin
Its just really fucking hard knowing you'l walk away
While I'm stuck here wishing that you would stay
Doing the only thing constant in my life right now
its writing these stupid rhymes and being humble and bow

I know we'll see each other again and I'll earn the kiss
but how far is it really gonna go without me going in for a miss
Ok kiss earned, where to go from here?
I think it might lead to quite a few beers
but for now I'm taking it step by step
and playing the best with these cards I've been dealt

2011-06-15T22:33:00.001-07:00

I miss her already
what the hell is wrong with me
I shouldn't have gotten involved
its plain in front of my eyes to see
my mom always told me they'd be the end of me

It happens

2011-06-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

When she walked in I wasn't blown away
Its just my brain couldn't find he right words to say
It only lasted but a second
the words flew out right when she beconed
I wasn't left speechless, It was like we were old friends
Saying hi to each other after being on the bends

It was all good a little boring some might say
If that was he truth then why is her picture in my head not fading away
I sit here sleepless with a million on my mind
but the question I keep asking
is when I'l again get to see that behind

Not just her ass either! the whole thing
I gotta take a breaher..
How long did it take her to leave here
How did I get lucky enough to meet her?
If I can only find the right beat here..

I dont know, life has its ups and downs
I guess I've been down so long
that I'm on a cloud with this up I found!
Well shit, there I go again
getting too excited too early
She thinks she likes me now
but she'll wise up soon enough

They all pack up and leave
when the going gets rough
I gotta calm down and hold my cool
Keep my heart guarded and hold back the drool

Cause if I know one thing is,
good things don't last for me
So imma take it step by step
and take all her time that I can
But damn this girl really makes me wanna be a better man

Anger

2011-06-11T04:19:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your reason to drink is gone
all that's left now is the aftermath of destruction, shit..
Its your life still and its time to rebuild it.
We played this game before, you know how to do it
This time you have nothing hanging over your head
this time you find yourself much better fed

Just when you thought you had control of the situation
the past had to step in and take away your housing situation
they took your job, they took your girl, fuck! there's even no masturbation!
Now its almost over and you have to yet again start over
you come back to friends that are no longer there
they wrote you off and judged you for those reasons unfair

I wanna say fuck em but it hurts so much
I grew up since childhood with some of these fucks!
there's nothing I can do but stew in anger
I just wish we had the ability to care for each other
You know I wouldn't have done the same to you
I would hide the fuckin' murder weapon for you dude!

Whatever, fuck it, so I'm naive and too caring
to believe that these bonds would last without busting
Even some of you who I haven't talked to in a while
I still consider brothers and would do anything for you with style.
The least you could have done is be upfront about it, not act like a child
If you want to talk shit, please do it to my face man
so that I can defend myself and take a stand

This situation is three years old why didn't you leave then?
because I had yet to face the consequences in written pen?
you leave now when I need you most, Its not like I'm asking for a dollar
all I ask is for your company, and for you to give me a holler
on the weekends and shit and come through to visit
I guess that's too much to ask of you now.
you're all grown up and ready do join the masses
of selfish greedy uncaring traditional bastards

seriously go fuck yourself...

Inappropriate references (start)

2011-06-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

The dawns' barely here and I'm up its so weird
that I live my live for someone else, its like I feared
this tired facade is not at all what I aspired to make
of my life, I live tired, watch me as I perspire,
watch the fear sweat out through my pores
If I work hard enough maybe I can get rid of it all

the tears, the falls, the drugs and alcohols
I can beat them and reclaim whats mine
even Charlie Sheen has a moment of clarity
If I dive in it like Michael Phelps for charity
I can choke it out like OJ and get some relief
I wont touch you like Michael Jackson
I don't want any kind of reaction, you can keep it

You do you, and I do me is how we'll play it
no strings attached, I shouldn't even have to say it
I C.U.P, but I didn't see Weiner
baring it all on Twitter and saying "Please forgiver!"
I'm done playing games with your mind believe me.

Obligatory apology blog

2011-06-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

Hey guys I feel like I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain recently and I'm sorry! When I started this blog I told myself no matter how few or how many people read it I will keep posting to it and keep writing because its something that I do for myself as much as for those few people who actually come here and get something out of my writing. As some of you know recently I have had some tough times and I am living with a friend on house arrest now trying to get my life back together. I have been having a lot of interviews lately (thats a good thing!) so I've been kinda busy. Thats no excuse though because I have been far busier and still updated this blog daily.

For that I'm sorry to anyone that actually is still keeping me to my word of updating daily, keep following I will always keep posting, maybe not a new rhyme every day because I would rather post something worthwhile less often than crap every day. That in mind I'm not saying everything I post is pure fucking gold, so don't get the impression that my ego is that big. So what I'm trying to say is I love you guys, D4 from his blog, to Rachel from hers, to my Dad who I haven't talked to in 2 years who I know reads this anonymously and should e-mail me sometime, to anyone else that reads my blog, thanks guys I appreciate ya!

too weird for love, too stubborn to die (edit)

2011-06-09T08:37:00.000-07:00

Fuck you and your little dog too
when I think of you the embarrassment makes me wanna spew
the things you've done for me the way you made me grow
I know they were selfish at first, don't pretend I didn't know
but it turned out different, from you I learned a lot
I found how to love, how to live, how to get out of that spot

Now, I say embarrassment for myself not from you
I feel that I'm a disappointment for all the things you do
You're not faultless, hell none of us are were just human
but I cant help but feel like filth when I'm treated like it
sometimes i get so mad that it makes me wanna spit
and sometimes I get so sad that I really think I deserved it

You pretend that those scars on your wrists are invisible
but I saw them clear as day last time I visited ya
I love you more than you know and your helps appreciated
my only hope is that I can provide as much when you need it
time will come soon when again I'll need some distance
Its just necessary for me to grow its not personal believe me

_from your son that's too weird for love and too stubborn to die

doesn't deserve a title

2011-06-06T23:39:00.000-07:00

I don't even feel like rhyming today
all I can think of is the time that's slipping away
Monday through Sunday keep repeating
and all I can do is sit here in this room
I'm sick of it man this ain't no way to live my life breathing

I don't belong here, keeps running through my head
while I'm sitting here contemplating death on this bed
Even when I get out of here thats only step one
Of this fucking ordeal until my freedoms been won
stories circulate of ones like me have done before

Like the one who broke the window and jumped up off this floor
this seems to be somewhat of a coincidence
that im placed on this floor, dorm and bunk like him before
my plan is much simpler and a lot less showy
to take this piece of glass to me in the night and watch the blood flowing

It might be the easy way out some people might say
yeah that might be right but its better for me this way
A the burden would be lifted off my family and such
of having to care for the prodigal son who's never there
This is to all that have ever loved me I'm sorry
about all the bullshit i put you through it will be over for me soon don't worry

The Psychologist

2011-05-20T23:19:00.000-07:00

The psychologist sat in his office chair
he was reading todays headlines, the sight wasn't rare.
While reading he noticed an excerpt that caught his eye,
something like this he normally would pass right by.
On the line was a fellow who would meet a tragic downfall,
he kept reading and reading remaining enthralled,
the most awesome of tales this page did unfold
A story of a child and mother butcher it had told.

Robert Gray was the name on the line quite familiar,
was all the psychologist had in his mind running,
so many footsteps heard, it could have been a caterpillar.
The psychologist put it down his mind was still burning
his phone buzzed in, "Doctor you have a patient."
The secretary's voice said bright and cheerful,
while the good doctor moved the seat most adjacent
the patient walked in wide eyed and almost fearful.

"Listen to me doctor I think I have problems
I hear voices, not in my head, on the outside, there's a difference
people tell me what to do all the time and I listen
don't talk back and comply even with all the disdain."
"Why is that a problem? That doesn't seem so bad,
When people tell you what to do does it make you mad?"

Not at all, made things simple my mom always told me,
except now people tell me what to do and how to be,
I give them a smile and start to lose my memory..
I come to, hours later in my one bedroom apartment
happy as a clam with a wooden dock penchant.

"So you have no memory of what happened after?"
asked the psychologist bored staring at the rafters.
"No, not at all." Said he, biting his nails like biting on bread
"OK here's what you do, write down what they said
right before you blackout, and stop biting your nails like bread."
As he looked at the man a wide smile on his face had spread.

▲■○x =Life

2011-05-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

This little rhyme came to me in my sleep,
I kid you not, I keep a notebook next to where I sleep
and you know that in between stage where you're
not really asleep or awake in the morning
It came to me and when it did i wrote it down.
__________________________________
Triangle, 3 again is the name of the disease
the green tri-point shape that starts it off with ease

Square, It shows you the box you're stuck in
that pink box, you know you want to stick it

Circle, Life is represented here starting in one place
and coming back around, have no fear

X, marks the spot on your map, its inevitability
the big blue X marks the destination
It ends your trek in the ground undoubtedly

Scars and Stripes PT4

2011-05-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

Finally going to actually post this 4th part, to the scars and stripes,
I wasn't going to but meh, enjoy it if you do.

I don't want you and you don't want me either
so why do you continue to visit me in my dreams, take a breather
how come it meant nothing, even the screams?
If i remember right, I could make you sing in that bed
It was in that little parking lot that you first gave me head
I don't know what happened, It doesn't really matter
We could sit here and shout you've changed, it would be nothing but blabbler

Of course we have, its been years for us both
You're leaning a bit toward the worse end of it though
This is coming from an outside perspective and I agree with it
These scars and stripes you gave me inspired growth
but my decline in this cell has only been physical though
Its no big deal, a couple of months and some weights
will make it vanish without a trace

but that childlike sense of wonder has almost been erased
The only time i see it now is when alcohol is involved
thats when your barrier cracks a little and you get involved.