Straight As a Crooked Arrow

If Only...

2013-07-22T17:10:00.004-07:00

My thoughts Exactly....

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

2013-02-03T13:59:00.001-08:00

Hey Chicks!
Here's your hot girl fix of the day!

Michelle Tea!

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljml5za4NW1qbra39o1_400.jpg

She is the author of transforming community and a ton of other great stuff! Yum!

~ALICE

How to Save a Life

2012-09-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hi Chicks!

I had the scare of my life the other day. My husband almost died. Literally. He has a genetic bleeding disorder and it almost killed him.

There's nothing scarier than seeing your husband vomit up a sink full of blood then collapse in a seizure. I rushed him to the ER. When we got there he was going into shock.

It was the worst day of my entire life. Sitting in the ER not knowing if he was going to live or die, not knowing if he was going to make it through the night. Or even the next hour.

I had a realization.
I can't live without this man. I love him so much.

For now that voice in my head that says I can't make this work has shut the hell up. I think she's been shocked into silence for a while.

Good.

The urges I've had for another woman are temporarily gone. Sort of. They are still there, just quiet and subdued.

I've always wondered if something like this happened, would the urges go away? I never knew if I really wanted to know the answer or not.

Things have been crazy. I now have a whole new set of night terrors. I used to be able to sleep through anything, now I'm lucky if I make it through three whole hours without waking up to check on him.

It's definitely made me rethink everything.

The thing that kills me is that the whole thing was completely preventable. If his drinking had not been so out of control, his blood wouldn't have been so thin that a bleed almost killed him.

I think I'm still a little numb. Or in shock. I'm not sure.

I've always had this wall up that's kept me from completely loving him. Which is insane. It doesn't seem possible to do. I think it's been fear holding me back, and realizing he could have died just broke down the wall.

Which in some ways is worse. There's nothing to protect me now, no invisible barrier to hide behind. I just have this constant fear of being hurt now. Fear and terror that now I know the possibility of how it feels to lose him.

I've always been able to keep some distance to protect myself. Now that I'm aware of the wall, whenever I feel hurt, I can feel it going back up. The first few days after I got him home were amazing.

Amazing b/c I could really feel how much I truly love him. But scary too. Now I can feel that wall all the time now. I don't know how to make it go down. I want to be able to fully love him with no reservations, no fear.

We both deserve that.

It's so hard to feel this wall up, feel there's this distance now, and not know how to fix it.

I don't know what to do.
~ALICE

Loose Lips Sink Ships

2012-07-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hiya Chicks!

I need a break from M. To be honest, it hurt to think about her. I'm still not over the whole mess.

Anyways, here's a fun little story.

'Loose lips sink ships.'? Sound familiar? Yeah.

The last few months I've been dieting and exercising pretty hard. I tell people who comment that I've gotten skinnier that I'm just trying to be healthier.

That's partly true.

I've been trying to sweat out that little voice in the back of my head.

The one that pops up at the worst moments,and whispers 'You're gay, stop being a little bitch and get on with ruining his life already'. It's not working.

As my body shrinks more and more, the voice gets louder. The voice is a bitch. She knows my worst insecurities. She always screams them at me. Loudly.

The husband and I went to a local food tasting event in our city. I've always been a lightweight when it comes to drinking. Never done it much so I have no tolerance. Apparently the husband thought it would be a good idea for me to chug a mikes hard as we were leaving. *FAIL*

As I staggered my way back to the car, that was wayyy far away, somehow the topic of girls came up. I think I suggested we go to the strip club? Somehow or another, it got shut down and I got sad. Really sad, about to cry sad.

I guess he realized I looked sad and wanted to know what was going on. My brain was screaming, 'IM GAY!' on repeat. Alcohol talking? Maybe, maybe not.

I slurred out that I'm really not straight and I didn't know how the whole thing was gonna work out.

Yes I did. I know.

To be fair, him pressuring me to tell him didn't help the situation. Whenever I don't want to talk he freaks. As always it came back around to him thinking I'm going to leave him in a few years. No matter how much I reassure him I'm not going anywhere, it always comes up when we fight.

He thinks I'm going to leave him b/c I'm gay. Does he know something I don't? Deep down, is he admitting to himself something that I'm not ready to yet?

Somehow, I'm not sure how,it was decided that my introduction to girls would be via a lap dance at a strip club.

Ok. *facepalm* Now while I'm not one to turn down a hot girl grinding on me, a. What if there's no hot girl strippers?!? b. um, yeah I can't get past a.

I like to look at femme girls, I wouldn't say no to one grinding on me. But what are the chances of there being a hot tattooed, femm-y stripper? I didn't really want my first girl on girl experience to be a lap dance either.

On the other side of the spectrum, while I like to look at femmes, what really turns me on is butches/tomboys. That's what gets me going. The husband only wants to see me have any type of interaction with a femme. Probably he thinks a butch/tomboy will steal me away.

I go weak in the knees for Butches in a very obvious way I can't hide. Butches turn me on in a way that nothing else ever has. He doesn't want me doing anything with a butch b/c it feels like I'm just replacing him. I think.

A lap dance seems so cold and clinical. I guess Im looking for whenever something happens to be more personal. Not like I'm paying them to be interested...

The Saga of M

2012-07-03T18:05:00.001-07:00

Hi Chicks!
Thought I share the Saga of M (my lady catalyst), and how I told my husband I liked women. Just to warn you, this will prolly be a two-parter...

My Husband's company got bought out, and because of that, he was pretty depressed and drinking heavily. He's worked 6 days a week, 60+ hrs since he was 15/16 years old. So for the past 15+ years, he has worked pretty much every day. Needless to say, to suddenly be unemployed was pretty unsettling.

At that time, I realized he had a drinking problem. He had always drank a lot ever since I knew him, but it always seemed to be under control.

I know, I know, don't say it..

So I started going to therapy. I didn't know how to help him, or how to deal with his drinking. I would come home from work to find him drunk. This was a daily occurrence and didn't help our marriage any. I'm not a big drinker, so I was one unhappy wife.

This girl at work had approached me one day, introduced herself and we got to talking about music and books. Apparently she had seen me around and thought I was cute. She had found out I was married, and thought that was ridiculous. I started to feel some attraction to her as I got to know her.

Ahh, my lady catalyst M. If only I knew the shitstorm that was about to land....

Suddenly everything in my life started to make a scary sort of sense, and it was making me flip out. I always had this weird reaction to women. I never seemed to have a normal indifference? if you will, that most girls have towards each other.

Needless to say, a depressed alcoholic husband and me with a very big secret led things to spin out of control. My husband and I drifted father apart/started hating each other. While M and I got closer in the meantime.

It didn't help that M encouraged my secret. She knew just the right nerve to pick at. She kept telling me that my husband would divorce me if he knew that I liked women. That he wouldn't understand, would stop loving me. She was brilliant. She knew just what insecurities to play on. I was in such a screwed up, confused state of mind, that I had no idea which was way up, and which was down. I had no one else in my life to talk to about this.

I was alone. And terrified.

Meanwhile M had decided that I shouldn't be married anymore. She was in love with me. She made it her mission to break up my marriage. She was the perfect consoling, comforting friend. All the while worming her way deeper and deeper into my heart without me really realizing it.

Yes I said it. Into my heart. Somewhere along the line, I thought I had started to fall for her. She was my lady catalyst. The first girl that made me have strong enough feelings to recognize that I liked women. And that it was ok.

I didn't know how the whole thing was going to end, but I finally felt like myself for the first time in... Ever.

She kept telling me that she knew I was in love with her too, I just wasn't ready to admit it. She got me so twisted up, I couldn't think straight. Ha. :D Or coherently.

For the first time in my life I was attracted to someone who a. wasn't my husband, and b. was a woman. Attracted in a way that I had never before experienced. It was like my body woke up, and went, HEY! this is what we've always wanted!

Men seemed repulsive to me at that point. I had always been secretly not so much into sex with men. I barely found them attractive, and I had just kind of put up with sex.

My sexual experience up until this point had been 3 men. 2 really if you don't count your first time, b/c really who does? That crap about it being magical? Bullshit. I hadn't been with anyone who really rocked my world. Until my husband. I figured that maybe I just didn't really like sex.

When I look back now, I can't believe how stupid I was. All I saw was this lonely, depressed girl who needed a friend. I had been that girl. I had been in that place before, and I wanted to save her. I needed a friend too right then. My husband saw right through her somehow. From the start he knew that she was trying to take me away from him.

I didn't. Or I thought I had the situation under control. I'm still not sure. She was always talking about how she wanted to die, and I got sucked in. I wanted to save her from that place. I fought my way out of it back in high school, and I wanted to help her do the same. She saw that and used it to manipulate me.

I was an idiot. You would think after living with a batshit crazy, manipulative mother all my life, I would recognize the signs of a psycho. She even told me she could manipulate anyone! I figured after living through it though, I would be able to see the signs.

I guess I never really thought that she would be selfish enough to try to wreck my life. Just so she could get her way. I actually thought she loved me. I guess in her mind,she thought she did? Or maybe I was just a game to her. Maybe I'm just naive. Or inexperienced. I don't know.

Sometimes I think what happened to my life? How did I end up here? How did I go from being happily married and trying to have a family, to here? Confused, frustrated and longing for something that seems like an impossibility at times.

I never thought things would get as bad as they did. I guess I trusted the wrong person. I never thought I'd wake up in someone's bed one morning, having no idea what happened after blacking out, wearing clothes that weren't mine...

To Be Cont'd...

a little piece of my heart...

2012-05-31T19:44:00.001-07:00

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwjWICWlylG6pkbPCkPCyC4b5-2BDVEFxRWWnTXx4ghUzfWAzp2yS68xdtObubR3GWEV6GDaCJklHF6h4zeTdkNHLroGb0AOyLjx1qVSAAkFaBJ_2gl39XBAULDL-KZXxqWUoVLPY-cwRP/s1600/heart-piec2.jpg

Hey chicks!

what do you think of the (sort of) new look? I've been playing around with the background a bit and I thought this seemed easier to read. I wanted to keep a little bit of color though.

I was watching a video on Sugarbutch Chronicles that Sinclair and Kristen made about sex questions.

Watching the two of them interact made me smile and hurt at the same time.

I want that. That relationship with a woman, the closeness, it just seems so different than my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly, but something is missing. Will always be missing with a man.

It sounds stupid, but watching them interact made my heart happy. But it also broke a little bit. I have a secret part of me that yearns for a lesbian relationship. It's probably always going to feel heartbroken as long as I'm in a heterosexual relationship.

I made a choice to marry my husband. Circumstances aside, that's why I'm giving it my all and not just saying fuck it and throwing in the towel.

If I wasn't with my husband, I would be with a woman right now, or trying to find one.

Am I gay?

I would say probably, but I do enjoy sex with a man. There are times though when in my head I'm screaming, 'Get off me,I'm gay, I hate this!?!?'. Sometimes. Male anatomy has never really been a turn on for me. The physical part feels good,but I've never seen/thought about a guy's junk and went 'oo hot, or let me get some of that' XD

I've never slept with a woman. I don't want to cheat. Once I do I can't deny being gay, possibly. I love him. That's the problem. How do you throw away a life you've built with someone when you still love them with your whole heart?

Except for one tiny piece. Which is louder some days than others. After watching the video I cried. That piece of my heart screamed louder than it has in a while...

I guess that's why we are trying to navigate the whole open relationship thing. We started to actually really talk about it, say what we are ok with, and not. It seemed like things were starting to progress.

http://ledgerlink.monster.com/nfs/ledgerlink/attachment_images/0001/0790/iStock_000007124897Small.jpg-1_crop380w.jpg?1261186294

Until we took 5 steps backwards. That's a completely different post though!

It seems like when we are going through a rough time, I start to 'stray' so to speak, back towards my girl-lovin' tendencies. Not stray as in cheat obviously. Though in a way it does feel like cheating...

Emotional cheating.

I just start to lean more towards that side of me that's gay, I guess. When things are good, I lean more towards the hetero side. Although I'm never ever really straight. I guess I suppress my urges more so I can function better? Which isn't good. I know.

Anyways, stay tuned for the beginning of our foray into an open relationship!
~ALICE

Open Relationship vs.Cheating?

2012-05-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hiya Chicks!
I know, it's been awhile. I missed you! Life's been crazy!

Effing Dykes posted a great article a few weeks ago about open relationships. Check it out here!

It's funny because the husband and I have started to talk about having an open relationship a little bit. Nothing really concrete yet. Just considering the possibility.

He hasn't really come right out and said that he's open to doing this. We've danced vaguely around the issue a bit.

I think I'm afraid he'll say no. We both have to be willing to start this. If one person isn't 100% with the situation, then the whole thing will just explode in our faces. If he's not ok with it, that's kinda that.

Which sucks.

Is that skeevey? I know's it's most guys fantasy to see two girls get it on. But I don't know how ok I am with being watched.

Actually I am not ok with someone watching me have sex. Even my husband. Sex is a very personal thing for me.

I guess I'm a little wary because it seems like open relationships never work. Someone always ends up getting hurt in the long run.

Unless both people are willing to take the time and consideration needed to find a way that works for them. It doesn't sound like it's just an easy, go sleep with anyone you want way. Even though most people think that.

I think having an open relationship is only possible if you have a completely trusting, healthy relationship.If the two people involved can trust each other person 100%.

Do we trust each other completely? I'm not sure. We've hurt and been hurt by each other, and have issues still. This could end up being the straw that breaks the camel's back. I don't want that.

The jealousy factor alone probably kills a lot of relationships. The fact is, there will probably be jealously on both parts as both people adjust to this new element.

So why bother at all you ask? Because I love my husband and want to keep my marriage together. I recognize the fact that I have a side to me that needs sexual contact with a girl as much as if not more than, a man.

I don't want to just hold it all in and stuff it down till I explode and end up cheating. I don't want to cheat. At all. But I don't want to suppress this side of me either, until I go crazy. That's not good for my marriage either.

Then you get into the whole cheating factor. Is it cheating if both parties know about it, and are ok with it? Even though you're married?

On the other hand, who says I can't have an open marriage? Society? Fuck that! Why do I need to have my marriage defined by anyone else?

I don't.

As for being a lesbian, that's a whole other can of worms. Yes, I am afraid that finally sleeping with a woman could make me realize I'm gay.

Maybe that's why I'm trying to have a go at the whole open relationship thing. So I can figure some things out before more time passes.

Or because I just want to finally know and this is my way of pushing myself towards that...
~ALICE

Imagine Me and You...

2012-04-27T20:21:00.001-07:00

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lg5l646S8S1qfj61uo1_500.jpg

Hiya Chicks!

Have you ever watched a movie or read a book that touches you? In a way that just reaches in and strips everything away.

Something so personal, so private that you feel like you should be locked in a dark room. That way no one can see just how much you are affected.

How confusing it is when something as simple as a movie can strip you bare.

Welcome to Imagine Me and You,ladies.

Watching this movie hurt. It hurt for me to see the pain that Rachel and her husband and Luce all went through.

None of them wanted to hurt the other. It really highlights how despite choosing a path, life just happens. There's nothing you can do about it either.

http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3181/2720702285_026ca43aa2_z.jpg

In a way, it was like I watching my own life.
All the confusion, and not wanting to hurt the person you've committed to.

When someone loves you,and makes their entire life about loving and taking care of you, how do you destroy that?

I met my husband, and fell in love. We loved each other so much that we wanted to take the next step, get married.

I don't know if it was getting married and finally feeling safe enough to explore myself? Or meeting a girl that just made all those feelings explode out from where I had hidden them?

All he wants is to love me and take care of me and be my partner in life and love forever.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWMn3A2zWu6gXHexj6TShvMAWn7XCDkWN3uxj3I5eDFg_0TpGcP1v2socOUbZZpfmfaEqqkjjiafmJNlP0pVhG4lK3S0JYAJnCl4LHVQagJ_ZjAi4gCfzggItdwPBQAiK4dE05qLOOt4Y/s1600/brokenheart2.jpg

How can you say no to that? How can you crush someone's whole world?

When someone gives you their everything, and all they want is to love you,and be loved in return, how can you not?

I love him.

But I have a side to me that will never be completely fulfilled by a man. Lately I've even been wondering if I am even happy with a man..

There's this part of me that craves a woman's touch. I don't think that will ever go away.

I do still enjoy sex with my husband though. If i'm being completely honest, not all the time. I have times when I can't stand it, and just want it to be over. But other times I can't get enough of him.

Some days it seems like all I have are questions, and no answers...
~ALICE

Socialpunk Book Review

2012-04-09T17:27:00.008-07:00

Hi Chicks!
I was recently asked to join the blog tour for Socialpunk by Monica Leonelle.

Monica Leonelle is a well-known digital media strategist and the author of three novels. She blogs at Prose on Fire and shares her writing and social media knowledge with other bloggers and authors through her Free Writer Toolkit.

The Socialpunk Trilogy includes Socialpunk (April 2012), Socialmob (July 2012), and Socialhood (October 2012).

Socialpunk Description:

Ima would give anything to escape The Dome
and learn what's beyond its barriers, but the
Chicago government has kept all its citizens
on lock down ever since the Scorched Years
left most of the world a desert wasteland.
When a mysterious group of hooded figures enters the city unexpectedly, Ima uncovers a plot to destroy The Dome and is given the choice between escaping to a new, dangerous city or staying behind and fighting a battle she can never win.

I was seriously blown away by this book. It was a short read at 275 pages. One of the things I really liked was that Monica tackled the subject of humans artificially creating life. It is a pretty controversial subject, but it's done very well.

Socialpunk is definitely good for anyone who likes books about the future.I think the fact that the author sets the book in that time period definitely helps. It puts the book in a setting that enhances the story, instead of detracting from it.

I'm someone who doesn't read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy books. They just don't appeal to me. I loved Socialpunk though. It was easy to relate to the character's struggles, and sympathize with Ima's struggle to adjust and adapt to a new world. To also choose between what she loves, and what is right.

I liked that Ima came into her own, and became the strong person I was rooting for her to be. The Story reminded me of the terminator series a little bit, but mostly in a way better, more female empowered way that was totally badass.

All in all, Socialpunk was amazing, and I can't wait for the next two books! A great book to read and recommend! ~ALICE
Contest!

links to buy the book!- Amazon-http://monicaleonelle.com/SocialpunkA

Barnes&noble-http://monicaleonelle.com/Social

punkB

The Power of Touch

2012-03-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

http://sexualityinart.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/marina-rosso-2010-b.jpg

Hi Chicks!

Do you crave touch?

I have come to the realization that I am someone who needs physical touch.

A lot.

It's not that my husband withholds physical affection. At all. I'm not a super clingy person. I don't need to be touching him or glued to his side all the time.

I spend a lot of time apart from my husband. It could be worse. We both work, not much can be done about that.

We have opposite work schedules. We work at different times so we don't see each other a lot.

http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs18/f/2007/180/c/7/Opposites_by_Bmur.jpg

I think that definitely contributes to some of our issues. We do tell each other we love each other all the time...

I came to the realization that I am definitely more cranky and out of sorts if we don't really have much physical contact with each other.

It does get hard when you're going to bed by yourself every night. It's not anything that can be helped or changed though.

It's not like we don't touch each other. We hug and kiss but that may not be enough...

Maybe it's because I had a bad childhood where touch was used against me.

I think now for me a touch is a reassurance, it calms me, centers me.

http://paulaspoweroftouch.com/images/power_of_touch_logo.jpg

I think a lot of people underestimate just how powerful touch can be.

It's how people realize that they are attracted to each other, how they comfort one another, how sex starts.

With a touch.

A touch a lot of time says what someone may be afraid to say. A touch can show someone what you need, how you need something. There's a million and one things touch can say that communicates something.

Maybe I just need more because it's hard for me to express myself emotionally...

~ALICE

Fighting Productively

2012-02-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

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Put 'em up Chickadees!

So how do you and you SO fight?

Something I've been talking a lot about in therapy is how my husband and I fight. It's not good.

In any way.

Whenever conflict comes up between us, I usually just freeze up. I just shut down and can't function. I can't talk, or feel, or even barely breathe.

Not the most productive way to resolve things, but I can't help it.

It just makes my husband madder, is the problem. He wants to yell and scream if need be, fight it out till things are better. And I can't do that.

I kind if just fold into myself and go to that place inside of me where I'm safe and protected and I don't have to feel attacked. LE SIGH...

Usually that just infuriates my husband even more, so he gets madder and says and does mean things to try and break me out of my shell.

Obviously, that doesn't work, and doesn't do anything but send me deeper down into that hole inside of me to hide.

http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/544242/754940.jpg

I've talked to him about this till I'm blue in the face. Saying mean things to me doesn't make me want to respond to him. It just makes things worse and hurts me.

And one day, all the mean things that were said are gonna be all that's left.

The love will be gone. All the love in the world doesn't erase hurtful things said in a moment of anger.

http://iacmusic.com/Uploads/142641_12_30_2009_10_23_47_PM_-_lost_love.jpg

Even if he doesn't mean them. I'm not going to forget them.

I've told him that if he keeps doing that that one day all the love will be gone, and all that's left will be the horrible things he's said....

How do you Chicks fight with your SO?
~ALICE

Fake It Till You Make It...

2012-01-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

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I've been doing a lot of pondering lately Chicks...

I've been musing a lot about my sexuality, just trying to let my thoughts go where they may. Not put so much pressure on myself...

I'm not really sure what to even call myself anymore. I used to identify as Bisexual, but I'm not really attracted to just men or women. I'm attracted more so to a person than if they're male or female.

Queer lately has been feeling like a better fit for me... But Queer vs. Bi Vs. everything else is a whole different topic :p

I go for personality first. I know most people approach someone because of their looks, and that's true for me to some extent.

I am more willing to talk to someone I may not necessarily find attractive to get to know them.

When I'm not dying of shyness that is... :p

http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/SHYNESS-popup.jpg

I need to trust someone before I can open up and that's hard for me to do..

http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2714/4499190532_fb80d054ae_z.jpg

To be honest, the butch, androgynous type is really what does it for me. The woman who looks all tough, but is a woman. Even if she doesn't identify as a woman. Actually that turns me on even more.

I'm just so confused. I know that if I wasn't with my husband, I would be dating a woman. I think what's stopping me is that I am with a man, that I do love him.

I am sexually attracted to my husband.

But there's always going to be a piece missing. There's always this part of me that is never fulfilled.

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_krnke8m5nW1qzmturo1_500.jpg

How can you love a man, be sexually attracted to him, but be more attracted to women than men?

I can see a man, think he's cute/handsome/hot, but have no sexual interest in him whatsoever. Maybe it's because I have no connection with him?

It's really hard for me to have sexual feelings for someone I have no emotional connection too. In regards to men anyways.

It's weird I know...

http://funnyphotosto.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/23/Weird-25252520cat.jpg

My therapist and I were talking a little bit about my sex life. Not a lot since it's embarrassing for me. :P And since he's a dude.

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lu48kdzeww1qgi1vpo1_500.jpg

I really should just go to a lady therapist. But I've been going to him since high school, and I just don't have the emotional energy to re-hash my whole dirty history.

I know it would probably be good for me, but I have blocked out a lot of things since then. For the most part, it's ok with me that I don't remember much.

Every now and then I'll remember a snippet of something that will send me into a tail spin.

http://enlightenmentishere.com/files/2010/10/DSC02007.jpg

I don't need that. I've spent 23 years trying to move forward from everything, and for the most part I've been ok.

Maybe all my issues with my sexuality confusion do stem from childhood abuse. But I can't change what happened.

But I do wonder if I had been able to explore myself more, if I had grown up in a safe enviroment.. Would I identify as gay now?

I think there's a good chance, so what's stopping me now???

Other than me of course...
~ALICE

Therapy

2012-01-11T17:48:00.000-08:00

http://www.presentermedia.com/files/clipart/00005000/5143/therapy_session_md_wm.jpg

Hola Chicks!

Tonight I went back to therapy. A lot of shit has been going down and I finally decided to get back on that horse. :p

Life's gotten so complicated and I can't even begin to sort out the stuff about my sexuality with everything else going on.

My therapist seems to think that b/c I feel guilty about all the abuse I've had in my life, that that's what's keeping me in a relationship that may not be right for me.

http://abagond.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/art-sd_guilt.jpg

He thinks that because I've never had anything good or normal, that I may be staying in my relationship b/c of that. Because I want to be a good, upstanding person.

To be someone who can actually maintain a healthy relationship. I honestly don't know if he's right about that. I know that I don't want to just give up on something that may have it's flaws. But could possibly be the best thing that's ever happened to me.

He also asked me if I wasn't with my husband, would I be dating a man or a woman? If we took him out of the picture completely, if I had never met him, would I be with a guy or a girl? I said I know that without a doubt, I would be with a woman.

He thinks that means I'm gay. I don't think I am gay, and said so. But I start to wonder sometimes, is it just a knee-jerk reaction b/c I'm so terrified of hurting my husband? Or because I'm too scared to go there?

http://faithoncampus.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/fork-in-the-road1.jpg

The iffy part of that is that I didn't realize till after I was married that I liked women. If I hadn't gotten married would I ever have realized it?

I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

I felt like I was able to be o.k. with exploring myself b/c I finally felt safe and secure. I was loved and I loved someone and I finally felt like I could be me, that it would be ok.

I wonder sometimes if I got married so fast because I maybe started to have an inkling about liking women. Did it terrify me that much that I did the most surefire thing to make it impossible to ever explore that anytime soon?

http://blogs.independent.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/road_block.jpg

I don't know. Or I feel like I do know but am too scared to go there right now.

We talked about my sex life ugg :p. I am more sexually attracted to women than men. What does that mean?! I am sexually attracted to my husband, but other than him, I'm not really attracted to men too much in general. The majority of my sexual attraction is to women.

Lots of questions, and confusion, that's for sure.....

~ALICE

The Woman and The Wind

2012-01-08T07:33:00.000-08:00

The Woman and The Wind

We dance and for a second she forgets and feels free.

I see the beauty in her, breathe

before a rooted thought of wrong doing enters

and she kneels down,

blindly searching for the chain to shackle herself

back into the cage.

For she loves the ones who created the walls

and she hasn’t the strength to break those down,

not when it means destroying all she knows.

I watch her sit there and hum so sweetly,

changing tears to a tune,

distracting herself with so many other things

which fills her time and her space,

but there’s no stopping the racing of a heart,

it’s a magic science, a crazy chemistry,

which bolts thunder claps from the brain to the belly,

that moves the body quicker than lightning.

And the mind blinded,

cannot keep up with the heart of the body.

Flash!

Her body moves with another of the same form,

like an ocean with the shore, over and over,

it soothes as it moves.

The light is followed with a BANG!

The cell door clatters open and slams shut with a bewildered wind,

as she remembers that all she feels is not allowed

and retreats out of a cherished love for those who fail to understand.

The wind does not strike her;

it is not angry, but gentle and warm.

It cradles her when she’s sad

and lifts her high when she’s feeling blue,

it does not control her with fear,

but with comfort and love.

It tickles her and makes her smile,

all the time misunderstanding the black shape,

which moves on the floor.

The wind wishes to blow it away,

using bigger and bigger puffs,

and afterwards is left exhausted.

The black mark is unfathomable to the wind.

”It’s still there, that dirty black mark

which follows you around.

Why can’t you leave her be?” It howls.

And she cries out with a muted voice,

which echoes the temples of distant lands.

“It is a part of me!”

The wind howls again, anguished and sad,

blowing the words spoken away,

unable to hear them through distortions of pain.

It picks itself up for another gust and another,

“Why won’t it leave? The place will look so much cleaner

without that black mark which keeps following you around.”

It blows unrelenting,

like a house proud mother

wiping at a stubborn wooden tabletop stain,

unknowing that it is a knot, a natural pattern of the wood.

“Please, let it be. It is a part of me.”

whispers the wood and the woman.

The wind slowly stops dancing and becomes heavy,

which sinks her radiant smile and twinkling star eyes

to black holes.

I see the blindness of the wind, blowing at the black mark,

with more gust and enthusiasm,

seeing improvement and progress,

as the mark moves away, by the power the wind possesses,

or so it thinks.

Ony the wind does not realize,

that it is her beloved that blows into a ball,

over and over, tied in knots, until she cannot breathe.

The wind does not see the position she is in.

It does not see the vases knocked over

and smashed to smithereens,

like salt bubbles that explode from her eyes

when she loses control and snivel sniff cries,

“I don’t want to be so sensitive to this,

but it scares me so much to be cold

and unaffected by it all.

When I think of homophobia,

I think of bullies spitting comments in a crowd

or on a street,

of hate crimes and terrible things like these.

I never in my wildest dreams

thought it could be like this.”

Flowers lay unnoticed on the broken glass ground,

trodden on by all those others who don’t look down.

(and jeez, there are many, too many for there to be more)

Hold up ~

For all the guns in the world,

that ends a life with less than a thought,

could we not shoot each other a smile from time to time

and try,

just try to get along, it is after all only love.

The rest doesn’t really matter,

it is only love that connects us all,

that gets us through~

Thank you, now back to the poem…

As the wind blows unstoppable at her shadow,

wishing for it to not be there,

she stands up strong and bold

through the blinding, deafening gale.

She does not move an inch by the gust,

as her hair, wild like flames lick up to heaven, around her.

The heart does not choose who it races, falls or breaks for,

nor does the arms of love choose who it chases, catches or crushes.

When eyes connect, they speak languages unknown,

never spoken before

from the beginning of time to now,

so much is said and expressed without a word uttered,

and it unfolds in another reality in the flash of a second.

The feeling ignited, may blaze, or it may smoulder,

but it can never be forgotten.

She stands through the gale, lifts her head high

and says, “My shadow exists because I have found light,

for it to disappear I shall live in darkness,

and like the bird set free from its cage,

it cannot return, once it knows what it has learnt.”

The thing which she needs now more than ever,

is not shelter from the wind,

but for the wind to blow down the walls

it has created over time,

and hold her in acceptance,

for no one knows more than the wind,

how wonderful and important it is

to be free from all these things,

to feel free to dance peacefully.

Sent in by: Anonymous
Age: 29
Location: San Francisco

Found this online, so beautiful......

~Alice

Rage

2011-12-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.freebeautyconsultant.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Aromatherapy-and-Anger.jpg

Evening Chicks!

I know it's been a while, but I haven't been able to even speak coherently, let along write an entire blog.

I'm having a bit of a problem with rage lately. And not just the normal, supremely angry kind. The red haze kind.

You see, I met my half sister on Saturday. It was amazing actually. After finding out about her two years ago, I've wondered and wondered. She's great, younger than me by a couple of years. It's a bit strange to suddenly have a younger sister after 20+ years.

But Yay! Family!

But the things I found out about my mother have had me in this horrible state of mind. It truly amazes me how one person can literally destroy so many people's lives.

My mother kept me and my sisters from my father and his family because she decided that if she couldn't have him, he couldn't have us. That makes me angry.

And upset. And angry.

She abused us for most of our lives, and I lived in fear for my life, and that of my sisters.

I just found out that my father fought for many, many years to get custody of my sisters and I. Again, more anger.

But I know that under the anger, is a hurt so big and deep that it will swallow me whole if I'm not careful.

The thing is though, the anger fades and the hurt settles in. It was easier to just say my whole life 'fuck him, he didn't want me, his loss'. It still hurt, a lot, but it was bearable and livable as I got older.

But to find out that he spent so many years trying to get custody of us, and my mother blocked him at every turn. My dad even took my mother to court to get joint custody of us, and she blocked him again.

I had a family member who was in law enforcement, so that person helped my mother keep him away from us.

The worst part is that my mother lied in court and said my father was abusing us. It's not true, I know that for a fact.

Actually, I have to almost admire my mother. Her evil brilliance is scary. She picked the most horrific thing that a father could do that would be the most surefire way to keep him away from us and out of our lives.

I know that most people ask why she would ever do that to her children, and the man she was married to. Because she's crazy. Not kooky crazy, sick, evil crazy.

She really is the most convincing actress I've ever come across. If I hadn't had my sisters live through it with me, I might believe her. That I'm just a bad, out of control kid who just wants to hurt her.

What kind of a mother makes up something so horrific and just plain cruel? A monster, that's who. Most people wouldn't believe it, my own family doesn't even believe us about the abuse we lived through.

But why would I make up the fact that my sisters and I were beaten, starved and tortured emotionally by her for years?

What do I have to gain from that?

Nothing. In fact, insisting on the truth has cost me my family. For the past five years I've been shunned, and hurt emotionally by my family. Because they are so taken in by my mother's charade.

It's so convincing too, that I almost don't blame them. Almost. But there is never any excuse to leave a child in an abusive situation. EVER.

My father gave up trying to get us because he thought that we wouldn't want him in our lives after all the horrible things my mother said about him.

He died thinking his daughter's hated him.

That's what hurts the most. I never got a chance to get to know him, or even meet him. Because of her. Because she was so angry she couldn't have him that she wanted to hurt him in the worst way possible.

And she did. She also caused an argument between my father and his brother so that they never spoke again. See my family holds grudges, and my dad never spoke to his brother again. My uncle didn't even know my dad was sick or that he died.

I can't believe that one woman could single- handedly hurt so many people's lives.

It just, it hurts so bad. More than I ever thought possible. Knowing that he wanted us, it tears that hole in my heart wide open.

It had finally closed up after years of hurting. Not it's wide open, and ten times worse than before. I don't know how to just let it go, move on.

It hurts so much. No one should have to feel this kind of pain...

~ALICE

Family Ties

2011-12-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

http://uncommonpromise.com/UserFiles/Image/r1-5x7-Family-Ties.jpg

Hi Chicks! It's definitely been a while, huh?

Life has been crazy, that's for sure. Work is insane, but it's retail at Christmas. No surprise there.

After the whole baby scare, I needed a bit of a break, some time to come back from that.

But once again, things are ever changing.

My half sister wants to meet me and my other sister and the members of our dad's family.

I am excited, but also very nervous. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't really describe....

http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs22/i/2009/253/9/1/Butterflies_in_the_stomach_by_clock_box.jpg

I am glad that she wants to meet everyone. It will be good for her. She never knew my dad's side of the family, our dad always kept her away from them.

I guess he had his reasons for that, not that I'll ever know seeing as he passed away 5 years ago.

One of the things that haunts me is that I don't even know where my own father is buried. Neither does his brother. How awful must that be to not know were your sibling is buried? Or where your father is buried?

I've heard so many stories that it's hard to try and figure out the truth of what really happened. I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it kind of does.

To me.

How does one even bring that up when you are meeting your little sister for the first time? 'Hi, how are you, by the way, where's our dad buried?'

Awkward.

We've talked a few times, it never really seems like a good time to bring it up. The poor kid is slightly traumatized by the whole thing.

My dad had cancer and he wanted to die at home. Apparently he was paralyzed and couldn't move or do antything. I can't even deal with hearing about it.

I feel so badly that she had to go through all that.

But at the same time I am still a little bit resentful that she got to have our dad in her life. I never even met my father, he chose to not stick around for reasons I may never know.

I know that that's not fair to her. I genuinely don't want to feel this way about my little sister. I'm supposed to be there for her, protect her. I don't want to feel this way.

http://th00.deviantart.net/fs27/PRE/i/2008/089/0/7/____Torn_feelings_____by_Kin_sama.jpg

But I can't help it. My shrink says that it's normal, but I don't want to feel this way. Family is important to me. Especially after the way mine has treated me.

I really want nothing more than to have a sister relationship with her. She really wants to get to know me and my other 2 sisters. Have us in her life.

http://images.asadart.com/sources/org/childreninc/images/products/gss075.jpg

I feel like it's up to me to some extent b/c one of my sisters lives in another state. The other one doesn't really want anything to do with my dad's family.

Which I can understand, we went our whole life without our dad's family. It's her decision, and I respect that.

It's just hard to think what my life could have been like with my father in it...

Pointless, but hard.

And the clock keeps ticking...

2011-11-20T18:16:00.000-08:00

http://www.niceimage.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Broken-Heart.jpg

Oh Chicks,

Why does life explode in an instant?

Life was settling down, now it's worse than ever. I'm going into a downward spiral, and my heart feels broken.

Literally.

I can't stop leaking tears out of my damn face. It's my own fault. That's the bitch of it. I am a fucking idiot and that's the truth.

So, if you want the whole story, here we go chicks....

The hubby and I had date night last night. I had been bored and unhappy for a few days, my crazy work schedule, and not seeing my husband didn't help it any.

So we decided to have a date night, get all dressed up and go to dinner. It was actually just what I needed. I'm pretty simple, it doesn't really take a lot to make me happy.

I spend all day happily being all Femme-y, picking out my dress and heels and actually going all out on my makeup. Which I never do, b/c I have sucky abilities when it comes to fancy makeup.

I'm super pale, and it works with my eyes, so I usually go pretty simple. Plus my husband likes when I have a more natural look anyways. He tells me I'm beautiful the most when I'm not wearing any makeup.

Anyways, dinner with a double vodka cranberry was the start of the evening. That was a bad idea, for one, seeing as I'm a one drink max kind of girl. I don't drink at all really, so I have no tolerance, and since recently losing 21 lbs, I have no tolerance at all.

Dinner was followed by shots at home, again, I was drunk by the time we left, so I had very poor judgement. Which isn't any excuse, but I was in the mood to cut loose for once...

Anyways, to skip all the gory details, dinner was followed by frisky car fun, (don't judge, it was a first for me!) and then completely not safe, not careful sex the rest of the night.

I'm not on BC b/c I have really bad reactions every time. It got to the point where the husb. said screw it, b/c he was tired of seeing me sick from all the bad reactions I was having. So for 3+ years we have been sort of careful.

And it's been fine. We had just started being smarter lately, actually using protection. Which we haven't done since pretty much the first month we were together.

I know that sounds whore-y, but I'll have to post the story of how we met, 'cause it's not as bad as it sounds.

We've had one for two slip up's, but not ever to where I got pregnant.

Now I'm scared I could be. Terrified actually.

My shrink always says that he's thankful that I don't have kids, it would just complicate things. And I agree with him. I don't particularly like kids, but I love babies.

I know that when it's my kid, I would love him/her, but I never really saw myself as having them. Maybe as a distant possibility in the future.

The husb. and I are forever laughing about how if we had kids we couldn't just pick up and go like we do all the time. I always saw us as the kid-less couple who wasn't tied down. But now that there's a def possibility, I want this baby. If there is one.

One or two oops-es I could see being ok with, but not multiple slip-ups. I did get the plan B pill, and the husb. says it's my decision whether or not to take it. He says he would be happy though if we had a baby, or not.

Having to make this choice terrifies me. There's a part of me that realizes that if we were really so against it, we wouldn't have let this happen.

You can always have a kid, but you can't un-have a kid. I don't know that I could have an abortion and ever look my husb. mother in the face again. She would be devastated if she ever found out.

I know that my husb. is ready if it does happen, he is 33, but I'm only 23. Which is still really young to have a kid.

Is this how women end up with kids, who realize later in life they're gay? I never wanted to have kids until I was more sure of my sexuality.

That's part of the problem too. I don't want to have to explain to little susie that mommy is leaving daddy b/c she likes the ladies more than daddy.

I know that I am probably just making myself unnecessarily upset. The responsible thing to do would be to take the pill. The irresponsible thing would be to wait and see what happens.

There's so many things to consider. BIL is still getting back on his feet, financially, we aren't in the best spot, but we could make it work. We wanted to sell our house and move out of the city before we even thought about kids.

I'm still not sure of my sexuality, and bringing a child into the mix would probably be a bad idea. When I'm so unsure.

I have so many family things I still need to work through. I don't talk to my mother, she's not in my life. How can I keep my baby from her grandmother though? Even if it's for her own good? When that's what my mother did to me and I lost my whole childhood of not knowing my father and his family?

The few people I've talked to say I have too much going on right now, but it's obvious I want this. I'm the only one that can make this decision though.

I have 3 days to take the pill, 3 days to decide the rest of my life.

Every time I go to take it though, something stops me. My heart literally hurts, in a way I never thought was possible. I know that I am freaking out over something that could very well be not even a possibility.

But taking that possibility away is hurts more than I ever thought it would. It could be b/c it's the holidays and I've been depressed anyways b/c of all the family shit.

I know that I would be better off waiting till I was in a better place, emotionally, financially, and everything else.

But.

3 days to decide my life sucks. I'm a fucking idiot. A terrified, heartbroken idiot. It's times like these when I could really use a mom...
~ALICE

Not Sick, Just Crazy...

2011-11-14T20:13:00.000-08:00

http://images.cryhavok.org/d/4141-2/Doctor+Visit+by+redandjonny.jpg

Hi Chickees!!

So after a horrifying number of doctor visit's that left me deeply scarred, I have answers.

I'm not sick! Just crazy :p I have anxiety apparently.

Definitely didn't see that one coming. Sort of.
My doctor ran a shit-ton of tests, and the consensus is that my stomach aches are due to stress. I still have to have a tummy ultrasound to be sure. He's pretty sure though there's nothing wrong with me physically. Huh.

I said that I felt a stomach ache due to stress was lame. But slightly ironic.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_D-LZxhXlNXY/Sd7aVSGoRRI/AAAAAAAAKfA/i8lP0xru-ZI/s400/funny-pictures.jpg

My doc went on to lecture me that I'm not doing anything to combat my stress level, and ignoring it isn't working. blaah blah blaaah. :p

My argument was that I have been in way more stressful situations, life and death situations, and been fine. He countered with I wasn't fine, but I coped as best I could at that time. Then we got into the whole 'I'm sorry you had a bad home situation'

It's is slightly annoying when you get the pity look and speech b/c you had a bad home situation. It doesn't change anything, or make it better.

http://us.cdn3.123rf.com/168nwm/alexmillos/alexmillos1106/alexmillos110600027/9751665-broken-heart-with-a-band-aid-illustration-design-over-white.jpg

People who haven't been in a situation like that don't really understand, and it's useless to have pity.

Anyways, the doc said my stomach aches are my stress level physically manifesting itself, b/c I'm not doing anything to combat it. So it's my body's way of telling me that I am not taking care of myself. It's doing what it needs to do to force me to stop and regroup.

He said to keep running, try to relax, and go back to therapy.

http://www.onemoremilerunning.com/images/uploads/therapy_mag.jpg

So I did go back to therapy. Sooo not happy, I'm still feeling very vulnerable,and it's been 3 days.

Therapy tends to rip the scab off of the things I try to keep locked up. Which is the point, I know. Nothing is harder for me than to open up that big box of feelings I have locked up.

http://pauladandrea.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/pandoras-box.jpg

Which is annoying to me. I hide behind a hard, can't hurt me shell. These days though I feel like my shell is gone. Everything seems to be affecting me, and I don't know if it's b/c I'm physically run down? I can't really seem to be unaffected these days.

That terrifies me to the core of my being. It scares me as nothing else ever will.

I almost cried in therapy.

http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs4/i/2005/139/1/5/The_Horror_by_najuzaid.jpg

It was horrifying. I don't cry hardly ever.I didn't even cry at my wedding. Which I know is just me stifling my emotions. But I can't cry. Being beaten so the person doing it can see you cry, kind of hindered my ability to do so.

The few times I do cry it's when I'm alone, and it's literally maybe for 30 secs if that before the tears dry up. Usually I can't even get the tears out. I can't cry in front of people. So if I ever had to cry to save my life, or someone else's, I'm screwed. :p

Anyways. No tears fell, but it was scarily close. That damn shell that has kept me safe and tough so I could support myself and go it alone for the past 5 years seems to be gone.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

My shrink says it's like living in one place, and not I'm living somewhere else, I just need to get used to it. Which I don't agree with.

I want my fucking shell back. With it, no matter how bad it gets, I know I can survive it. Without it, I'm exposed. No protection.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmNdWsnrkiqH2qJwdfWmw_fQW2c2rR63kuRhmWF_lssAeudogN8uRU3IoD4XJouVZ16OYlEQUgoHY_ii8z5kzs8IgXWOB5X7OuCEI-dXkPB1bYNsZvEn9Zd1UiJXH2smN-JKUBUo47f6l4/s1600/cap.jpg

It's like finally opening up about the things that hurt me have opened me up, and now I can't close it off again. Which is probably why I have such bad anxiety.

Apparently.

I have started to listen to my body more. I'm starting to realize the warning signs for when I'm pushing myself too hard. Which is good I guess.

I can tell now when my body's about to give out, or give me a stomach ache b/c I've been pushing myself too hard. So, like it or not, I'm learning to slow down, not go at it balls to the wall every second of my work day.

I can't carry everything, much as I'd like too...

I guess years of suppressing my feelings and everything else have finally come back to bite me...
~ALICE

Sweat that Shit Out...

2011-11-08T04:20:00.000-08:00

http://howtogrowtaller101.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/grow-taller-Exercises.jpg

What it be Chickadees?

Lately I've been having some health problems. Which is scary. Especially when you don't know why. I've been having these funky stomach aches for about the past month.

Which kind of sucks. A lot.

I also have an unhealthy, irrational fear of doctors. Big time.

http://cache.thenewsroom.com/howcast/2010/03/23/384103_pre.jpg

I finally went to a doctor and after doing a lot of tests they still don't know what's wrong with me.

The doctor thinks that it is probably stress, but he has to test for other stuff in the meantime. 

Which, stress? Really? That's kind of the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

But...

http://tshirtgroove.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/but-wait-theres-more-billy-mays-tshirt.jpg

I have been pretty stressed lately. I work in retail, and it's the holiday, so the craziness is on. I do stock and pricing as well as assist my manager as I'm the lead on my team. 

I also have had to deal with losing the long time manager of my departments I take care of. I was promoted from my dept. to my position now, so I have worked with this manager for almost 3 1/2 yrs now.

Gaining two new managers, one of which I knew and worked with, and who had worked under me wasn't the worst thing.

http://www.ssqq.com/travel/images/new%20england%20catfight.jpg

Until I had the rug pulled out from under me again.

The new manager got promoted, so now I have two brand new managers of my depts, both who know nothing about the areas. Which couldn't have come at a worst time, retail wise.

My husband thinks that my stomach aches are just from me not eating at work. Most of the time I don't eat at all, or not much. I recently lost about 21 lbs, so I do have different eating habits now.....

http://c0085612.cdn2.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/stuffing-face.gif

I no longer do this 24/7...

I literally spend all day at work now doing 50 things at once, and going at supersonic speed. I have a lot of people that depend on me for help, and a huge workload these days.

Pretty much every day now I have this huge knot in the pit of my stomach, from worrying about how to get everything done.

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I realize that I am overworked, really overworked. I could ask for help, but every time I do, it seems to backfire.

It's not that I don't appreciate the help, but most times I have to go back through and either re-do, fix, or double check.

So I would just rather work harder, and faster. Which I realize is sort of crazy. :D

http://gcnaturalfamilyhealth.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/InsaneCrazyWoman.jpg

But when my rate of pay is directly affected by my work completion percentages, of course I want to do it myself.

I am a perfectionist when it comes to my work. It's one of the few things I do well, and can take genuine pride in.

http://www.steveseay.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Perfectionism.jpg

But anyways, all through the summer, when work was pretty dead, I would come home and work out. Yoga, Jillian Michaels workouts(I know, don't judge!), and walks with my pups and husband.

Things are crazy at work, and I also am on a new work schedule, where basically I'm getting up in the middle of the night. When I get out of work I have to sleep, and try to fit in laundry and cleaning too. And see my husband for about 2 hrs a day, seeing as he works late and I work early.

http://oliveoilonly.org/images/broken_clock.jpg

So my workouts have fallen by the wayside. But I have been doing a lot more heavy lifting, more so than usual. My job does have a lot of heavy lifting involved, but a crazy amount in the holiday season. So I am getting a workout, just a different kind.

So it's possible that it could be stress, but I feel like that's kind of lame, to be honest.

Who get's stomach aches from being stressed out? I feel like should be stronger than that. I am stronger than that.

I did get back to my regular workouts, but it just wasn't doing it for some reason. The usual feeling of calm and relaxation wasn't there anymore.

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/001953743/4041572387_0_0_0_0_169_169_library_135271_large.jpeg

So I took up running again after four years. My knee problems forced me to stop, but they have been better lately.

It does seem to be working, even though it's only been a couple of days. Even though I am the most awkward runner ever, and the thought of people seeing me run makes me hyperventilate.

I think I just need something more strenuous to keep me calm?

I don't know. I'm sorry, but I have survived starvation, beatings, and emotional and mental abuse. Stressed-induced stomach aches? That's kind of LAME....
~ALICE

These Lesbian Sides of Me...

2011-11-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

http://www.ideachampions.com/heart/Bleeding_heart_by_Moonbeam13.jpg
Hola Chicks!The husband and I actually had a really good, honest heart to heart the other night.

I was able to be completely honest and say for once that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay.

For once too, instead of brushing or laughing the subject off, as we are prone to do, we took it seriously. I was able to overcome my crippling terror and talk clearly for once.

I told him that there is a very real part of me that is afraid I might be gay. But that I don't know really, and am not in a place to even think about that.

It's true. I have come a long way to accepting myself and my sexuality. I still have a long way to go though, and I am not in a place to even think about if I could be gay or not.

Plus being married to a man also complicates things too. My husband is a great guy, and I do love him, so deeply it scares me sometimes. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my love, my best friend.

The thing is, I can picture being with a woman. Having sex with one, sleeping with one. Even having a relationship with one if I wasn't married.

But I can't imagine my life without my husband in it. I can fantasize forever about all the things with a woman, but I can't picture my life without him. It just seems inconceivable to me.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS1MjYQuucOco-KWvvhyphenhyphenCQYqjk9uyVOqW7SEeUB8S1T8np2Bxmb-zRNft0HRUCVQPl2ZwWOAXL53A0pJ1-rWZgSG_o_NYotPr3kR2JjFYrD6rabJtbFvmttW0aD7O0Xl2JbqBwyzRvfSM/s1600/1208_confusion.jpg

I'm not really sure what that means...?

Could it be fear? I wish I knew. Or was brave enough to face that.

He said to me that if it did turn out I was gay, he could see us still being friends. But then he asked me to please not break his heart like that b/c he wouldn't be able to bear it.

http://d.peperonity.info/c/d/1E9DB6/444779/ssc3/home/013/fanfan.images/albums/emo_7rtx1nio.jpg

Which made my heart hurt. A lot. I love this man. But I have this side of me that isn't complete?, that needs to be fulfilled with a woman.

More confusion....
~ALICE

Becoming Me...

2011-10-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRS4zBq0tPibVU6kkhgP5IZb42Q8NSygAAiKGbfIn_R_Pt6N4HrrATrsWTPaLfX5Wpp1OKGZPYXIq3GZfN79BHK0_dXmss9hOBHtl9l16jlmfoXQcY2kmyZM-Am5W0RdzajCFtUDy09TE/s1600/1627063_f5f5_625x1000.jpg

Hi Chickees!

Life has just been crazy. In a good, but also weird way.

My brother in law moved back in with my husband and I. It's a good thing, don't worry chicks.

http://martyrobertsblog.com/images/shaking_finger.gif

Life definitely is starting to feel good again these days.Less confused, more serene. Which for me is a beautiful thing. My family is back together, my husband isn't worrying about his brother anymore.

Other than a few adjustments with us all living together again, a couple of fights, things are good. Which feels rare. Especially with all the confusion I've been having about my sexuality.

I hate conflict in my personal life. I can't seem to really face it ever. When it happens, I just shut down, stop thinking, feeling, and barely breathing most of the time.

It drives my husband crazy. I become this cold, robot who just stops functioning at the first sign of a fight. It's self protection, I can't stop it, or help it. Years of abuse from my mother made me retreat inside myself. That was the only safe place I had, physically, and emotionally.

I am working on it, and I am lucky to have someone who loves me enough to break through the shell I become and pull me out before I fall too deep into that hole.

I think I'm starting to finally feel like myself these days. All the craziness with BIL (brother in law!) moving in kind of kept me from obsessing about my sexuality, and stressing about how to make it fit in my life. For now anyways. ;p

I am def. feeling calmer about the whole thing these days. It's a part of me, but I guess I am realizing that I don't really need to stress about it so much.

I think I am feeling more relaxed about it since I feel more like myself these days. I'm not really limiting or editing anything I say in front of BIL. Maybe I should, but it's my house too!

I edit and hide myself all day at work, if I wanna say a girl is hot in my house, dammit I will! :p

So, for now, things are calm. The husband and I are getting along, work is crazy, big surprise, and I started my Alice tattoo sleeve!! All in all, not bad :)

~ALICE

These Urges of Mine...

2011-10-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

What it be Chickadees?
So I'm having a problem with urges lately. A BIG problem. I feel like I'm gonna explode if I can't have some sort of sexual encounter with a woman.

Which brings up a few problems. Oh, Let me count the many ways this is creating problems for me...

Well, I just so happen to be married to a man for one. He's still adjusting to the idea of me having sex with a woman. He says he's o.k. with it as long as it doesn't affect our relationship.

I know, I know. There's so many hidden messages, and potentially fucked up situation that could arise from that situation.

But I can't seem to get it out of my head lately. Or my genitals :p

http://aaaummm.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/4409953363_6620d8c598.jpg

It's like it's the forbidden fruit. Someone's holding it out to me and telling me not to do it.

I don't want to hurt my husband, or ruin my marriage.

I don't know what to do....

Suddenly, I can relate to all the young teenagers who hit puberty. I feel like my hormones are out of control lately.

I have read a lot about how when people who thought their sexuality was one thing their whole life. Then when it changes, their hormones rage out of control.

I guess it's because you suddenly discover something sexually about yourself you never knew?

What do you think chicks?
~ALICE

War of My Worlds...

2011-10-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

Barev Chicks!
Lately I've been Feeling like I'm split in two.

On the one hand, I have this side to me, girly, cleaning the house, making dinner for my husband, being a great wife, and overall just happy, centered, kind of vanilla girl.

http://data.whicdn.com/images/936019/3287107721_24a4571e20_thumb.jpg?1257369751

Which I love. I do love that side of me. There's a part of me that craves normalcy, stability, a quiet happy life. A life that's calm, b/c I've never had that.

Then there's the other side to me. The tomboy who's tattooed, pierced, young and a little bit wild. I want to go out, party, have fun, be 23, be young, experience life, experience women! That side of me I love too b/c it's who I am also.

http://data.whicdn.com/images/936019/3287107721_24a4571e20_thumb.jpg?1257369751

I am the normal, stable, vanilla girl. But I am also the tattooed, pierced, wild girl I crave a lot but never got to be.

I think that's why I have so many piercings and my tattoo obsession continues with each one I get.

I feel like the sides are competing most of the time. A lot of the time, I do feel like I do an o.k. job of balancing them. Not great, but o.k. It's a learning as I go process.

But lately, it seems as if the sides are competing more and more. I feel less like I can integrate them, make them work for me. I never used to feel like I needed to choose to be more one than the other. I could be both, and it worked for me.

Lately it's not working so well. At all. I feel like I'm two people, and not in a good way.

I think it's because the husband is becoming resistant to me getting involved in LGBT events, which leads me to believe he's not as cool with the whole situation as he says he is.

He says if I'm going to start living that 'lifestyle' than what's the point of even being together. I don't think it's so much about living the 'lifestyle' for me as just having a group of women I can talk to, relate to. It's not to pick someone up.

Plus I think he's secretly afraid that I'll realize I'm a lesbian and leave him. Which I can't say will happen, but I can't say it won't. I just don't know.

I wish there was a guide book for this whole thing.

http://www.dearjohnilovejane.com/djilj%20new%20cover%20shadow.png

I've read Dear John, I love Jane, and was able to relate to a lot of the book in an almost scary way. I feel like I could have written a lot of it.

What does that mean???
~ALICE

Hot Girl Fix of the Day.....

2011-09-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

Hola Chicks!

Here's your Hot Girl Fix of the Day!

http://www.mtv.com/content/ontv/vma/2011/photos/flipbooks/11-full-fashion-recap/jessie-j-122729160.jpg

Jessie J! I'm even more excited b/c she is Bisexual. It's so good to see a Bisexual woman in the media who makes me proud to be bi!

Her calm and self assured acceptance of who she is and what she stands for makes me hope. That Bisexuality will be accepted more. Questioned less, scorned and sneered at less.

Thank you Jessie J!

She's hot too! Like smokin' hot! :p
~ALICE

Femmeboy? Femmish? Wtf?

2011-09-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.thedailygreen.com/cm/thedailygreen/images/Ct/lead-free-lipstick2-lg.jpg

Hiya Chicks!

Here comes another post about being Femme! I've been thinking a lot about what makes me Femme, and what defines me as Femme as opposed to straight girls who are feminine.

Is Femme a state of being, or a state of mind?
What exactly makes me Femme? Why do I identify as Femme?

To me, I think liking women is what seperates me as a femme as opposed to a feminine straight woman.

Maybe I'm wrong. I have no idea. :p

Why does it even matter what my label is? Why are people so obsessed with figuring out what category they belong in?

Is it because some people the LGBT community aren't sure who they are in the beginning? When they finally figure it out they're happy to know where they fit?

Maybe.

Is anyone ever just one thing though?

Most of the time I feel like I am femme. I love my heels and pretty dresses, I always straighten my hair and wear makeup. I don't wear any eye-shadow or lipstick or anything fancy, does that still make me Femme?

I tend to wear a lot of ripped jeans and rocker tees though too. I usually go back and forth between tomboyish and femmeish. So what does that make me? A tomboy Femme?

Urgg. There's too many labels, and classifications, and sub-classifications!

http://nursingcrib.com/wp-content/uploads/stages-of-grief1.jpg

It's enough to make me crazy! I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but I guess in a way it does matter to me.

As I try to figure out myself and my sexuality, I can see how having a label to identify yourself can help. I read somewhere online that someone said labels don't have to be labels, they are simply identifiers.

I like that.

So maybe I should stop looking at it as a label, and see it as a identifier.

Hi, my name is Alice and I am a Bi tomboy femme?....

Hmm, that's a mouthful :p

~ALICE