Single Dad Brad

Fatherhood

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:14:00 +0000

The Bachelor

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 02:38:00 +0000

After watching The Bachelor last week I was inspired to start dating again. I figure I couldn't do any worse than Jake. I mean seriously...Vienna??? Are you kidding me? I thought pilots were supposed to have good vision?

My blog could use a little excitement anyway. So even though the dating process can be painful and depressing, it does give my mom something to look forward to. She loves it when I date because she doesn't need soap operas or reality t.v. And believe me...The Bachelor drama has got nothing on my relationship drama. Maybe some day I'll write a book, but for now I'll just try and maintain my sanity.

I'm a bit hesitant to do the online dating thing again...although that is the quickest, most effective way to meet women. The problem is that it almost works too good. In the "quantity" category I mean. Quality is another story. But then my mom reminds me of all the nice women I've met in the past, and I guess she's right. The problem is sifting through the "not so nice" to get to the "nice". And don't even get me started on the difference between the online profiles and the in-person reality.

Okay...that's enough of the glass is half empty talk. The point is I am going to get out there and start dating. My daughter keeps telling me that she wants to be the flower girl at my wedding. Then I tell her that I have a better chance of being the flower girl at her wedding. To which she replies "Dad...you can't be the flower girl at my wedding, you have to give me away." She has a point there. :-)

Small Steps

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 16:59:00 +0000

Break tasks down to allow children to experience success.

Example - A preschooler struggles to write his or her name:
1) Model correct pencil grip.
2) Work on one letter at a time. You do one and then let your child do one.
3) Teach the skill but don’t do the work for him or her.
4) Children give up the belief that they can’t when they achieve small steps.

This Positive Discipline Tool Card will take a lot of patience. My kids are bit older now, but I still find myself doing things for them because of time pressures. Of course, that is because I didn't take the time to do the Small Steps when they were younger. But I really do like the concept of this tool card. I will be interested to hear from those of you with younger children. I think younger children are the most eager to try new things by themselves. The trick is to allow them the time to take Small Steps.

Special Time Update

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 16:48:00 +0000

I learned this past week that it is important to be flexible about special time with my kids. I had to be flexible on Friday which was the day we had planned our special time. The kids had the day off from school, so I was going to play tennis with Gibson and practice softball with Emma. Then we woke up Friday and opened the front door to this...

Not exactly tennis and softball weather. Which actually turned out to be a good thing, because I was having computer problems and I was able to spend the day getting those issues resolved.

On Saturday the snow had melted enough for Gibson and I to play tennis. That was when I learned to be flexible again. You see...when you involve your children in this process of using the Positive Discipline Tool Cards, they will actually understand the process better than you. When Gibson and I arrived at the tennis courts, we rallied for 10 or 15 minutes. Then I said "Okay...let's play. You can serve." Little did I know that my perception of tennis and Gibson's perception of tennis were completely different. It took me about 30 minutes to figure out Gibson's version of tennis and he reminded me several times "Dad...this is my special time. I want to play fun tennis."

For those of you unfamiliar with "Fun Tennis", let me enlighten you. First of all you are not allowed to call out the score "Love - 15, Love - 30, etc." I learned this early on when Gibson said "Dad...be quiet!" I responded "What?" Gibson said "Stop talking!" I said "I'm just calling out the score." Gibson said "Yeah...stop doing that. I want to play Fun Tennis." Okay...lesson learned. In "Fun Tennis", you do not under any circumstances call out the score.

Then after Gibson served twice and missed, I said "Double Fault" move to the other side. To which Gibson responded "Dad...stop doing that!" I said "Stop doing what?" Gibson said "Stop telling me what to do, this is my special time!" Okay...lesson #2 learned. In "Fun Tennis" you always serve from the right side.

Then it was my turn to serve. Gibson was standing in the middle of the court, so I said "Gibson, you had better move over a little." Gibson didn't move. So I served to the right service court and the ball landed in and then bounced to the fence. Gibson said "Dad...you just did that to prove a point." I said "No I didn't, that is how you play tennis." Gibson said "Dad...I just want to play fun tennis." Lesson #3 learned. In "Fun Tennis", you always serve to the middle of the court.

Finally after several missteps, I learned all the rules to "Fun Tennis" and Gibson and I started having fun. After tennis, I took him to get some food and our special time ended up being a success.

Since the snow hadn't quite melted off the grass, Emma and I decided to go to dinner together at Olive Garden. It was a Saturday night and by the time we got there it was an hour wait for a table. Emma said "That's okay, this is our special time. I don't mind waiting." That made my heart smile and so we waited for a table and had a wonderful time together.

Just a few final points about special time. As a busy single dad, I found myself looking at my scheduled special time with my kids as just another item to check off my already overwhelming schedule. I realized that I needed to change my attitude about my special time with the kids. Nobody wants to be an item that is just checked off a schedule. It might even help to show our kids that we are excited about our special time together. We could say something like "I can't wait for our special time on Saturday. That is going to be so much fun!" Then our kids will realize that they are much more important than all the other events we have scheduled that week.

Special Time

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 18:17:00 +0000

Schedule special time that is  different from regular time.

1) Take the phone off the hook.
2) Take turns choosing an activity  you both enjoy from a list you have brainstormed together.
3) Age Guidelines:
2-6 years old 10 min. /day.
7-12 - at least 30 min./ week
13 and older - Once a month something your teen can’t resist.

This is a great follow up to the Family Meetings Tool Card. Your weekly family meeting is a great time to schedule special time for the coming week. We just had our family meeting and discussed this topic. Gibson decided that he and I would play tennis and Emma decided that she and I would practice softball.

Of course we started our family meeting with compliments. I complimented Emma on her performance in the school play and I complimented Gibson on his school work. Then Emma wanted to join in on the compliments and so she complimented Gibson for not bugging her as much this past week. Hmmm...do backhanded compliments count? :-)

I'm not sure I agree with the 13 and older suggestion of "Once a month" for special time. I don't think that seems like enough special time with a teenager. I guess the assumption is that teenagers don't want to spend time with their parents, but I have found that even the most rebellious teenager will go out to breakfast once a week. Most teenagers will not say no to food, especially if they get to pick the place!

I already spend plenty of time with my children. In fact...I probably spend too much time with them. But this is "Special Time" which is different. If I am spending time with both children, there is still that element of competition for my affection. So I will be interested to see if spending special time with each child individually will have an effect on the sibling rivalry in our home.

Family Meetings

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 19:09:00 +0000

Enhance connection and cooperation with weekly family meetings.

Format for the Family Meeting:
1) Compliments and appreciations
2) Evaluation of past solutions
3) Agenda items - person can choose
      a) Share feelings
      b) Invite a discussion
      c) Brainstorm for solutions
4) Calendar: scheduling, meal planning
5) Fun activity and dessert

Since we are meeting as a family each week to discuss the latest tool card, I thought it would be a good idea to choose the "Family Meeting" tool card this week. I think it is important to put some thought into how we format our family meetings. How we conduct our family meetings can make all the difference in the world as to how effective they will be. Dr. Jane Nelsen has a great article about Family Meetings on her website.

From our first experience today, I can tell you that the first step (compliments and appreciations) is the most important. That really seems to set the tone for a positive atmosphere. In fact, my son was moved to tears when I gave him a compliment for being a good friend. Friday evening we attended a school play because he wanted to support his friends that were acting in the play. It turned out to be a great family activity and it was fun to see my son interacting with his friends. So even if you forget a step here and there as you conduct your family meetings...be sure and make it a point to start with the compliments and appreciations.

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 15:10:00 +0000

How is everybody doing with their hugs this week? We are absolutely loving this tool card in our home. On Sunday when I introduced this tool card to my kids, Emma said "Well I'm not hugging Gibson". But pretty soon Emma was hugging Gibson, Gibson was hugging Emma, we were having group hugs...it was an all out HugFest in our home.

Last night my son and I were have a disagreement about something. Suddenly he stopped, put his arms out and said "Dad...Hugs!". We stopped arguing and gave each other a hug.

HUGS - A Valentines Day Tool Card

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 05:21:00 +0000

Children do better when they feel better - and so do you.
Hugs help us feel better.

1) When your child is having a tantrum, try asking for a hug.
2) If your child says, “No”, say, “I need a hug” a second time.
3) If your child says no again, say “I need a hug. Come find me when you are ready”, and then walk away. You might be surprised at what happens.

What a great tool card! Everybody could use more hugs and this is a perfect week to focus on giving our children more hugs. The tool card mentions giving a hug when your child is having a tantrum, but we certainly don't need to wait for a tantrum to give a hug. Some of us may not be very good huggers (myself included), so let's use this opportunity to get a lot of practice!

I can't hear the word "Hugs" without thinking about the music video below. Enjoy!

More Feelings

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 22:50:00 +0000

I think all single parents feel overwhelmed from time to time. But this has been a particularly rough week in our family. I am coaching my daughter's basketball team which involves a practice during the week and a game on Saturday. I'm certainly not the best coach in the world, but I like to volunteer and spend time with my daughter. My dad always coached my little league teams and those are some of my fondest memories.

While I was at the basketball practice this week, my son was home with our dog. While he was correcting the dog for doing something wrong, the dog bit my son pretty badly on the arm. This was the second time the dog had bit him in the past couple of weeks. The first time was when he was trying to protect his friend who was also bitten by the dog. So I was forced to take the dog to the shelter.

We adopted this dog when he was about one year old. He just showed up on our doorstep one day and we couldn't find the owner. I'm not sure how he was treated the first year of his life, but for some reason he doesn't like men or teenage boys. He gets very territorial and now that my son is a teenager it has become dangerous and a liability issue. But that doesn't make the decision any easier and it has been difficult for the whole family.

My daughter loved this dog. (You can see a post about Buddy here) In fact, she is convinced that he showed up on our doorstep because she wished for him. For me it kind of made things a little more difficult. It wasn't that I disliked the dog, but he was a struggle from the beginning. If I needed to leave town it was even worse. (see post When A Single Dad Leaves Town). It was also difficult to find someone willing to take care of the dog. We were at the Grand Canyon last year and my nephew was taking care of the dog. He called because he was afraid for his life, so we had to cut the trip short and come home.

But now the whole family seems to be dealing with a feeling of loss and guilt. It is interesting that this weeks tool card is about feelings because we are having feelings in abundance around here. My daughter is actually handling things pretty well, but my son is feeling like it is somehow his fault. He is really torn between missing Buddy and wanting him and his friends to be safe. It was getting to the point that his friends wouldn't even come over to the house.

So I have had to validate a lot of feelings this week. The problem is that I have been having feelings of my own about the situation. This is when it would be nice to have another parent in the house for that emotional support. I'm sure we will all get through this, but there is definitely a feeling of sadness in our home.

Validate Feelings

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 18:22:00 +0000

1) Allow children to have their feelings so they can learn they are capable of dealing with them.
2) Don’t fix, rescue, or try to talk children out of their feelings.
3) Validate their feelings: “I can see you are really (angry, upset, sad).”
4) Then keep your mouth shut and have faith in your children to work it through.

I really love this tool card. As a single dad, I need this reminder because feelings are not my strong suit. Often times the mother will be the one that provides emotional support for the children. Dad usually jumps in with something profound like "Rub some dirt on it, you will feel better in a minute."

This tool card is all about allowing our children to have their feelings in a loving, supportive way. The important part is allowing our children to have their feelings without feeling like they will lose our love.

I know there have been many times when I have actually told my children to stop having their feelings. "Stop being so dramatic." "That's nothing to be upset about." "Stop that right now! There's no reason to be angry!"

I like the line in this tool card..."I can see you are really (angry, upset, sad)." Obviously this line can be delivered in a condescending way, but if we sincerely validate our child's feelings, I think they will feel empowered. They may not even know why they are (angry, upset, sad). I know I've had days like that. Sometimes that's just how you feel. People (and kids) have different ways of dealing with their feelings. So it will be interesting to see what happens when we allow our children to have their feelings and deal with them in their own way. I would be interested to hear some of your experiences in the coming week.

The following is a music video with clips from one of my favorite movies "Peaceful Warrior". I have also included a quote from the author of the book by the same title.

"As leaves turn colors and Winter whispers from just around the corner, my thoughts turn to the changeable emotional weather inside each of us. Emotions are, after all, the weather patterns of the body; feelings rise and fall like waves crashing upon the shore; emotions pass through us like a parade of visitors, like clouds carried on the wind. We all have the power to influence our emotions, but not to control them: We can distract ourselves when we're feeling worried or anxious; we can try to see a person or situation from a more compassionate or humorous perspective; we can sit or stand tall, relax our body, and breath slowly and deeply. In this way we may influence our feelings. Such strategies may or may not work. That's why it's called influence and not control." Dan Millman

Mistaken Goals

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 01:14:00 +0000

As I focused on "Putting Kids in the Same Boat" this week, I realized the importance of understanding the Mistaken Goal Chart which can be found on the Free Downloads page of positivediscipline.com. As you read over this chart pay particular attention to the column that lists how the parent is feeling. You'll begin to notice that kids are often acting out on those mistaken goals. That doesn't necessarily make it easier to deal with, but it can help you get into the child's world.

In my case, I have been feeling ANNOYED!!! I even talked about this with my kids. The interesting part about this past week was that the kids kind of took pride in the fact that I wasn't going to get involved in their disagreements. They sort of teamed up and put more energy into proving that they could handle their own problems. A couple of times my daughter made a point of telling me "It's okay dad, we were just playing."

Let's face it, our kids are going to have to learn to deal with conflict. If we are always jumping in and solving their problems for them, they never get the chance to practice. So I would say that this tool card was a success. And I had a much less annoying week! :-)

DAD'S TAXI

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 04:20:00 +0000

One of the many hats I wear on daily basis is that of Dad's Taxi Driver. I own a Honda Odyssey Minivan which is five years old and has 150,000 miles. That averages out to about 30,000 miles a year, 2,500 miles per month, 82 miles per day, or about 3 blocks per minute. I DRIVE A LOT!!!

The reason I own a Honda Odyssey is NOT because single women are attracted to a guy in a Minivan. (although if you are a single woman who is attracted to a guy in a minivan...let's talk!) The reason I drive a Honda Odyssey is because sometime in the early 70's, Honda figured out a way to build cars that last FOREVER! I learned this as a child when my father bought one of the first Honda Civics to roll off the assembly line. At the time he was commuting one hour each way and needed a car with good gas mileage. That little Civic was incredibly reliable and when my dad didn't need the car anymore, my brother started driving it. Years later my brother sold the car and I wouldn't be surprised if some high school kid is driving that car today. The point is...Dad's Taxi is always on call, the meter is always running and I need a reliable car.

Here is a typical day for Dad's Taxi Service:

Drop off Elementary child, drop off Junior High child, go to the gym, stop off at the grocery store for milk and bread because we always seem to be out of milk and bread, take a business trip to the city, pick up Elementary child, pick up Junior High child, drop off daughter at choir, pick up daughter at choir, go to post office, pick up dinner, take son to scouts, take daughter to get poster board for report due tomorrow, pick up son from scouts, go back to grocery store because we are now out of peanut butter, finally park taxi for the night.

Are you feeling dizzy? Me too!

THANK YOU HONDA!!!

Put Kids In The Same Boat

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 17:58:00 +0000

Instead of taking sides when children fight, treat them the same.

1) Give them the same choices -“Kids would you like to stop fighting or go outside and fight?”
2) Show Faith - “Let me know when you have identified the problem and have ideas for solutions
3) Leave - Fighting will diminish significantly when you stop getting involved-so long as you are having regular family meetings to teach problem-solving skills.

This tool card is going to be very difficult for me. I've had discussions with my mom on this topic and we finally just agreed to disagree. Of course I am coming from the perspective of a younger child with an older brother who was pure evil! We are talking about a kid who once hit my older sister with a baseball bat because she wanted to watch a different television show. On the bright side, my older brother did help me improve my athletic ability because I was always trying to outrun him. In fact, when I was 10 years old I won the local Junior Olympics Pentathalon.

This story does have a happy ending. My brother grew up to be a good, law-abiding member of society and I managed to survive not much worse for the wear. But I think it is still in the back of my mind when I'm dealing with my kids. I'm always assuming that the older brother is the instigator.

We had an experience this past week when we were helping somebody move and I brought my kids along to help load boxes in the car. We were almost finished and I had one more box to carry into the house. I asked my kids to get in the car and told them I would be right back. I wasn't gone more than 30 seconds when I heard a blood curdling scream from my daughter. I rushed back to the car and Emma was holding her eye and Gibson was standing there with a very guilty look on his face.

I completely lost it! I started yelling at Gibson asking him why he can't stop bugging his sister for 30 seconds. I told him he needed a new hobby besides bugging his sister. I'm sure I said other things that I can't remember right now. Meanwhile Gibson was cowering in the passenger seat taking all the abuse without responding.

Does that sound like I put the kids in the same boat? Obviously not. I still don't know exactly what happened. All I knew was that Gibson poked Emma in the eye, so I bypassed the miranda rights and went straight to the punishment.

I spoke to a friend of mine about this incident and she said that sometimes older siblings feel like the younger sibling is favored by the parents. So they will act out to get attention and put down the younger sibling to feel better about their place in the family. It occurred to me that perhaps I could prevent much of these problems by helping Gibson feel more belonging. Maybe doing more things with just the two of us and taking more interest in his world.

That's kind of a long-winded way of saying that I will try and implement this tool card during the coming week. Regardless of how difficult it will be, I am going to put the kids in the same boat. We don't allow fighting, so I won't be sending the kids outside to fight. But I will have them come up with a solution and I will treat them both the same. As an added element, I am going to spend more time with Gibson. Maybe after Emma has gone to sleep we can spend a little time talking about his day. And maybe we can plan one activity this week that is just for the two of us.

Stay Tuned! :-)

Thursday in Emma's World

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 06:24:00 +0000

Today I was driving Emma to her chorus practice. They are preparing to put on the play "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". On the way there we had the following conversation.

Emma: "Dad...I don't want to watch movies with swear words anymore."

Dad: "Sweetie, what movies did you watch that have swear words."

Emma: "Remember that movie with the guy who is supposed to be a super hero, but he's not really a super hero." (Hancock with Will Smith)

Dad: "Ohhhhh yeah...that wasn't a very good movie."

Emma: "Yeah...those words are stuck in my head."

Dad: "Well, I just think of different words to replace them. Like Fahrvergnügen and Shitake Mushrooms." (Emma laughed)

Emma: "What about the "A" word?"

Dad: "How about Asteroids?" (Emma laughed)

Emma: "What about the "B" word?"

Dad: "The "B" word?"

Emma: "Yeah...you know, B...I....T"

Dad: "Ohhhh...Uhhhh...I don't know. Let me think about that one." (Emma got out of the car and went to chorus practice)

After chorus practice I picked up Emma and she jumped in the car.

Emma: "Did you come up with a word?"

Dad: "YES...Biscuit. Like Son of a Biscuit!" (Emma laughed)

Emma: "Dad...you know when it is Friday we like to say TGIF?

Dad: "Yes"

Emma: "Well I have a new one."

Dad: "What's that sweetie?"

Emma: "TBIT"

Dad: "TBIT???"

Emma: "Too Bad It's Thursday" (Emma and Dad both laughed)

Limit Screen Time - Day Two

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:08:00 +0000

I am happy to report that the method of a "Screen Free" block of time worked very well. My teenage son was skeptical at first. Of course...my teenage son is always skeptical when I present something new. He was convinced that keeping track of screen time was working great. But when we discussed our screen time on Monday, he soon realized that we were way over the limits we had set for ourselves. And my daughter probably quadrupled her allotted screen time.

At 5:45 p.m. we were eating dinner and my son said "But this isn't fair, by the time we finish dinner it will be 6:00 p.m. and we will have to turn everything off." I said "So?" He replied "So I should be able to use the computer right now." And I said "But we are eating dinner." He said "Exactly." And so I tried to explain to him that he was completely missing the point. The goal is not to sit in front of a screen for every possible second until it is time to turn everything off. The goal this week is to reduce our screen time. So trying to make up for the lost screen time is completely counterproductive. He still wasn't buying it, but I persevered.

The clock struck 6:00 p.m. and I turned off all the screens in the house. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, we looked at each other and my son said "So now what do we do?". I said "Well, what are some of the things on our list? How about if we take the dog for a walk?" My daughter hadn't felt well that day, so she stayed home and read a book while my son and I took the dog for a walk. We both really enjoyed the time together and the chance to get out of the house for some fresh air.

When we returned, we decided to play a card game and then my son showed my daughter and I a couple of card tricks. Then we sat down and played a game of Pictionary with much laughter and enjoyment. By now it was 7:30 p.m. and I told my daughter it was time for a bath. While she was taking a bath, I sat down and played my guitar. (Something I haven't done for months)

By the time 8:00 p.m. rolled around, we all sat down together and watched American Idol. And we were able to watch it without commercials because my son had TiVo'd the program during our screen free time. Just another added bonus...no commercials!

So all in all the plan worked quite well. And I didn't anticipate how much I would enjoy turning everything off for two hours. Since I run a business from home, I am constantly using every spare moment to catch up on some project. The reason they call it "Running a Business" is because you are always RUNNING, and you never catch up so there is always something to do. But turning off the computer and cell phone, enabled me to just relax and decompress a bit.

Limit Screen Time - Day One

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 23:08:00 +0000

Monday...the first day of limiting screen time was marginally successful. As predicted, there was no way for me to monitor the amount of time the kids spend watching television or playing video games. My kids get home from school by about 3:00 p.m. and I need to be working until at least 5:00 p.m. But, the kids did get their homework done before turning on any screens, so that was a good thing.

However, I am beginning to realize that it is nearly impossible to limit screen time to any specific amount. The only really effective method is to turn off the power switch. So today (Tuesday) we are going to try and have a time of day when everything is off...T.V., Computer, Video Games, etc. So from 6-8 p.m. we will be screen free.

That seems pretty good to me since the kids are at school most of the day and they are usually getting off to bed by 9:00 p.m. So rather than try and keep track of screen time, we are going to try and eliminate the screens altogether for a block of time each day.

Screen Time Follow-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 16:11:00 +0000

After reading my post on "Screen Time" I felt the need to post a follow-up. One thing we need to remember as we go through these Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards, is that perfection in parenting is unattainable. I really appreciated Amy's comment because it helps me to know that I am not alone in my struggles. The goal is to improve our parenting and hopefully improve our relationship with our children. The danger is that we will be so focused on perfection that we will alienate our children. A couple of times these past few weeks I've found myself expecting perfection from my children and my frustration with them has actually strained our relationship. So let's remember to focus on the long-term goal of improving our relationship with our children. As I focus this week on limiting screen time, I am going to replace that screen time with relationship building activities.

Here is an encouraging video I created to help me remember that all the time and effort it takes to be a parent is worth every minute!

Limit Screen Time

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 05:39:00 +0000

Screen time is very addictive and interferes with personal relationships.

1) For young children, be careful about using the T.V. as a babysitter.
2) Avoid allowing children to have computers in their rooms.
3) Make agreements with children about how much TV, video games, texting and internet time is reasonable.
4) Brainstorm fun alternative activities, that bring family members together.

Did you hear that??? That was me having a PANIC ATTACK after reading this tool card!!!

It's not that I disagree with the concept of this tool card. On the contrary, I wholeheartedly agree that limiting screen time for my children would be better for their mental and physical health. But it's MY mental and physical health that I'm concerned about!

Let me explain the current situation in our house. When my children are not doing their homework or practicing their instruments, they are in front of a screen. Either a T.V. screen, a computer screen, a Wii video game screen or an iPod touch screen. Even when we leave the house, they get in the car and watch a DVD on the drop-down screen.

I'm not proud of this fact. But you have to understand that when my kids aren't staring at a screen, they are staring at each other...and arguing, bugging each other, and yelling "DAAAAAAAD!!!" Then I have to come referee the current squabble. So in the interest of peace and quiet, I not only allow my kids to have their screen time...I encourage it.

To add to the difficulty of the situation, my job requires that I spend a fair amount of time in front of my computer screen. So it's hard for me to set a good example for my children. Can you see why I had a panic attack when I read this tool card?

But since I believe in the concept of limiting screen time and since I am committed to improving my parenting skills each week, I am going to make every effort to implement the concepts of this tool card. But I am going to need help. If anyone has ideas about how to make this a little less traumatic, please post your comments.

When we had our family meeting about limiting screen time. My kids decided that during the school week one hour of T.V. each day should be enough. We also agreed that there will be no T.V. until homework is done and music practice is complete. It was also agreed that 1/2 hour of recreational computer time would be enough each day. If the kids need the computer for homework, that doesn't count. And 1/2 hour of video game time.

So if you add it all up, that would be 2 hours of screen time each day during the school week. We are going to leave the weekends open for now because I am trying to take baby steps...and football season isn't over yet. :-)

My biggest concern is how I will monitor the children's screen time. To start out I will have to just use the honor system because I don't have time to run around with a stop watch. I'm sure that the kids will help by tattling on each other if someone watches too much T.V. Especially if that child is waiting for their turn on the T.V. And I may just have to take away the hand held devices if they become a problem.

Good Heavens!!! I'm so stressed out after writing this post, I'm going to have to go relax and watch T.V. ;-)

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 01:22:00 +0000

Encouragement vs. Praise

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 05:37:00 +0000

Teach self-reliance instead of dependence on others.

Encouragement invites self-evaluation.
Praise invites children to become “approval junkies”.
Examples:
Praise: “I am so proud of you. Here is your reward.”
Encouragement: “You worked hard. You must be so proud of yourself.”
Praise: You are such a good girl.”
Encouragement: “Thanks for helping.”

My kids and I discussed this tool card earlier today. My daughter had a very profound insight while we sat at the dinner table reading the card. She said "Yeah dad, if you give people a reward for doing something, they might not want to do it if they don't get the reward." I think that pretty much sums up this week's tool card. This week is all about learning the intrinsic value of accomplishment and teaching our children that sometimes it just feels good to help others, even if nothing is given in return.

So how did everyone do on the "Listen" tool card? I have to admit that listening to my children...REALLY listening to my children was more difficult than I thought it would be. To be perfectly honest, it was exhausting! Since I am involving my children in this process, they knew that I was working on listening better this past week. And they took full advantage of that fact, talking to me in great detail about every random thing that popped into their heads. And when I tried to tune out, my son would remind me "Dad, you're supposed to be listening this week."

Comic Relief

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 15:52:00 +0000

Listen

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 17:56:00 +0000

Children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to.

1) Notice how often you interrupt, explain, defend your position, lecture, or give a command when your child tries to talk to you.
2) Stop and just listen. It is okay to ask questions such as, “Can you give me an example? Is there anything else?”
4) When your child is finished, ask if she is willing to hear you.
5) After sharing, focus on a solution that works for both.

I REALLY need this tool card! I'll bet my son said "Dad, you're not listening" 10 times during the past week. And you know what...he's right.

I tend to make the mistake of telling my children what happened, why it happened, and what they should do about. Half the time I don't even listen long enough to get the whole story. This is very frustrating for my son because he doesn't always want me to solve the problem for him. He just wants to share with me and he is hoping I will have a little empathy for his situation.

We had a situation this past week when our dog got a little aggressive with one of Gibson's friends. I wasn't home and the dog was startled when his friend walked in and nipped at him and also got Gibson a little bit when he intervened. When I found out about this, I immediately started accusing Gibson and scolding him before I even heard the whole story. Gibson responed "Dad, you never listen! And you don't believe me anyway!"

Later I found out that Gibson had gone on the internet and learned all he could about how to train your dog not to bite. He had a plan and wanted to share it with me, but I never gave him the chance.

For this coming week I am going to make an effort to focus on listening to my children. I won't interrupt or try to fix the situation until they ask me for help. I will simply listen, ask questions and show empathy. After they are finished, I will use Step 4 to see if they are willing to listen to my ideas. And then we can focus on a solution together.

Routine Chart Update

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 15:46:00 +0000

Today is Thursday and I thought it would be a good time for an update on how things are going this week. So far my 10-year-old is thriving with this new routine chart system. She is very diligent about following her routine and has had a very positive attitude. She hasn't forgotten to make her lunch or missed any school assignments. Emma has even taken it a step further and is focusing more on nutrition and fitness. I didn't even discuss those things with her, but she added push-ups and sit-ups to her daily routine. She also has been asking me to cut up some carrots and broccoli for her after school snack. The whole thing seems very empowering to her.

My 13-year-old has not been quite as enthusiastic about the whole process. Although there has been improvement and I think when it comes to teenagers any improvement is a big step. What I've noticed though is that teenagers are in the middle of that individuation process. They really hate being told what to do by their parents. So with Gibson I can't even remind him to check his routine chart. Because as soon as I get involved, he becomes a bit passive aggressive and starts leaving things off his morning routine. For example, he will pick up his pajamas in the bathroom but won't hang up the towel. The other day I suggested that he might want to add turning out all the lights downstairs to his routine chart because that would be a big help to me. After I dropped the kids off at school, I went downstairs and all the lights were blazing as a passive aggressive gesture. So I think it will be best for me to wait until we have our weekly family meeting before making any new suggestions.

I would love to hear how others are doing. Please don't hesitate to share your experiences.

Day One - Routine Charts

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 01:52:00 +0000

Day one of the Routine Chart experiment went fabulously! Emma was up at 6:30 a.m. sharp. She was running around the house like a drill sergeant doing everything on her routine chart and barking out orders at everyone else. I finally had to tell her that she is only responsible for her own routines.

Gibson also did everything without a single reminder. He even picked up his pajamas in the bathroom and hung up his towel. (Something I have been doing every day for the past 2 years)

I'm not sure how the afternoon routines went because I was busy running errands, but as far as I can tell it worked out fine.

How are the rest of you doing?

Routines

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 06:31:00 +0000

Help children create routine charts to encourage responsibility.

Create routine charts WITH your child.
Brainstorm tasks that need to be done.
(bedtime, morning, homework, etc.)
Take pictures of child doing each task.
Let the routine chart be the boss:
"What is next on your routine chart?"
Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards.

I have to confess that I have attempted this process of creating routine charts in the past without much success. Most of that is due to my lack of follow through. I can recall when the kids were much younger I took pictures of all their morning routines. We created the routine charts, put them up on their bedroom walls and then completely forgot about them. Next thing I knew...I was back to my usual morning routine of reminding them to do every little task. "Have you brushed your teeth? Did you make a lunch? What about your library book?" Not only was I reminding them to do every little thing, but several times a week I would receive a phone call from the school. "Dad, I forgot my lunch."

So let's see how it works this time. As my children and I sat down to discuss this tool card, the most important step seemed to be the part about brainstorming tasks that need to be done. This really got the kids thinking about what they needed to do every day. They even came up with things I hadn't even thought of.

So after the brainstorming I set them free to create their routine charts. I didn't interfere too much in this process. They seemed to be excited about taking ownership for their own routine charts. My daughter has been very interested in typewriters lately, so she decided to type her routine chart. My son opened up Microsoft Word and started creating his routine chart using the Word clip art files. I didn't even know Word had clip art files, so I learned something today.

After a few minutes they were both finished and hung their new routine charts on their doors. Now it is time to sit back and see how they follow through.

Stay Tuned!

Emma's Routine Chart

Gibson's Routine Chart

If you would like to share your children's routine chart creations, email a picture to contact@positivediscipline.com. We'll find a way to share them on the blog.