Single Dad Brad

New Positive Discipline Parenting Tools Book

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Fri, 28 Oct 2016 19:32:00 +0000

I started this blog as a form of therapy when I became a full-time single dad. Along the way I decided I needed help with my parenting skills, so I embarked on a journey of testing out a new parenting tool each week for a year. That 52 Tools in 52 Weeks Challenge eventually turned into enough content for a book. I am happy to report that with the help of my Mom (Dr. Jane Nelsen) and my Sister (Mary Nelsen Tamborski), that book is now a reality.

About the Book

Do you wish there was a way to raise well-behaved children without punishment? Are you afraid the only alternative is being overly indulgent? With Positive Discipline, an encouragement model based on both kindness and firmness, you don’t have to choose between these two extremes. Using these 49 Positive Discipline tools, honed and perfected after years of real-world research and feedback, you’ll be able to work with your children instead of against them. The goal isn’t perfection but providing you with the techniques you need to help your children develop the life and social skills you hope for them, such as respect for self and others, problem-solving ability, and self-regulation. The tenets of Positive Discipline consistently foster mutual respect so that any child—from a three-year-old toddler to a rebellious teenager—can learn creative cooperation and self-discipline without losing his or her dignity.

In this new parenting guidebook, you’ll find day-to-day exercises for parents to improve their parenting skills, along with success stories from parents worldwide who have benefited from the Positive Discipline philosophy.

With training tools and personal examples from the authors, you will learn:

• The “hidden belief” behind a child’s misbehavior, and how to respond accordingly

• The best way to focus on solutions instead of dwelling on the negative

• How to encourage your child without pampering or praising

• How to teach your child to make mistakes and follow through on agreements

• How to foster creative thinking

Find a New Year's Resolution Partner

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 17:21:00 +0000

My dog Gracie and I go on a morning walk EVERY day! We are like the postal service. Neither rain, sleet or snow keeps us from our morning walk. In fact, I'm certain that we have missed fewer days then the postal service the past 3 years.

My commitment to my morning walk with Gracie has little to do with my dedication and discipline. It is mostly because I have a very persuasive walking partner. Dogs love routines and they have surprisingly accurate internal clocks. Every morning Gracie is waiting (not so patiently) for me to finish breakfast. Then she waits outside my bedroom door while I get ready. Then she leads me to the hall closet to get her leash. On those rare occasions when a morning walk is not possible, the disappointed and confused look on her face is heartbreaking. That is why I don't like to miss too many days.

If going on a morning walk was my new year's resolution, I would have the perfect resolution partner. So regardless of your new year's resolution, find a persuasive resolution partner and you will be guaranteed success!

The Single Dad Summer

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Mon, 08 Jul 2013 01:51:00 +0000

Have you every wondered what Summer looks like for a single dad? It's Sunday evening and I am mapping out my week. Here's a glimpse at Monday.

Wake up at 4:30 a.m.
Eat breakfast and drink coffee. (Drinking coffee is a VERY important step.)
Take the dog for a walk.
Shower and get ready for the day. (Sometimes I skip this step.)
Drive my son to his driver's education which starts at 6:00 a.m.
Take my daughter to cross country practice which begins at 7:30 a.m.
Pick my son up from driver's education at 8:00 a.m.
Pick my daughter up from cross country practice at 9:00 a.m.
Work
Take my son to Summer school at 12:15 p.m.
Pick my son up from Summer school.
Work
Take my daughter to violin lessons.
Answer the question "What's for dinner?" by saying "I don't know."
Pick my daughter up from violin lessons.
Decide what to get for dinner.
Go get dinner. (I don't make dinner very often.)
Eat dinner and feel guilty for feeding my kids fast food.
Laundry
Dishes
Work
Sleep! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hugs - A Single Dad's Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 18:29:00 +0000

Last week Dr. Jane Nelsen posted the parenting tool of Hugs. I wholeheartedly endorse the concept of hugs and I've had some success in the past with this parenting tool. But hugging is not something that comes easy for me. As a single dad with a son, I can relate to the Verizon commercial below.

http://www.adforum.com/creative-work/ad/player/34475750

My son and I don't go around hugging each other very often, but we manage to show each other that we care in other ways. The key concept is the connection you create with your children. So whether that is a hug or a high five, your children will feel the connection and know that you love them.

Sibling Rivalry from the Perspective of a Younger Child

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 20 May 2012 17:28:00 +0000

"Putting Kids in the Same Boat" is the most difficult Positive Discipline principle for me to grasp. Mainly because I had and evil older brother who constantly persecuted me while we were growing up. As a result, I have the perspective of the younger sibling with a victim mentality. I'm sure my older brother had issues he was dealing with such as; being dethroned by a younger brother, feeling less belonging and significance, etc. I don't know if picking on me and establishing his dominance over me ever made him feel better, I just know that if his goal was for me to live in fear...it worked.

So now that I am a parent, I have very little sympathy for the older sibling who bullies the younger sibling. Intellectually I understand the concept of "A Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child". I just don't seem to be able to put that theory into practical application.

Below are the suggestions from the Positive Discipline Tool Card "Put Kids in the Same Boat".

Instead of taking sides when children fight, treat them the same.

1) Give the same choice: “Kids would you like to go to the peace table or the wheel of choice?”
2) Show Faith: “Let me know when you have identified the problem and have ideas for solutions.
3) Leave. Fighting will diminish significantly when you stop taking sides-so long as you are having regular family meetings to teach problem-solving skills.

I have never been comfortable staying out of my kid's fights. My mantra has always been "we don't hit in this house". I also don't like abusive language and I won't stand for that either. My son is certain that these rules have been put into place so his younger sister can get away with anything. I know he feels that I favor his younger sister, which is probably true because I can relate with the younger sibling and she is a girl. I am trying to teach my son to treat women with respect.

I can't tell you what would happen if you stay out of your children's fights, because I have never done that. But I have used the method of "treat them both the same". That has worked best for me. If the kids are fighting I will tell them to go to their separate rooms until they can get along. Or if they are fighting over the television, I will turn off the television until they can get along. Regardless of the reason for their fight, I do my best to treat them the same.

The only time I stray from that formula is when I am right there in the same room with them and I witness the entire event. For example, when my son walks by my daughter while she is quietly drawing a picture and just smacks her in the head completely unprovoked. I don't have any patience for that kind of behavior.

I would love to hear how other parents are dealing with sibling rivalry and fighting.

Agreements and Follow Through

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Tue, 01 May 2012 13:25:00 +0000

Making agreements with children is easy. Following through with those agreements is HARD!!!

Dr. Jane Nelsen explains that children do not share the same priorities as parents. As a parent, my priority is managing the household. This includes such things as laundry, dishes, trash, recycle, vacuuming, grocery shopping and preparing meals. Good heavens!!! No wonder children don't have the same priorities as adults. I don't even want those things to be my priorities! But the fact is...life involves managing the priorities of a household.

During family meetings I will make agreements with my children regarding chores. But my children usually don't follow through. So follow through becomes another one of MY priorities. The problem is, following through with children is more difficult than just doing everything myself. For example, if I am upstairs preparing dinner and the trash can is overflowing because my son forgot to empty it. I can spend 30 seconds emptying the trash can myself or 10 minutes tracking down my son and getting him to follow through with our agreement. I'm sure most parents can relate to this dilemma.

So does that mean we should give up and stop following through with our children? Absolutely not. But when do we get to reap the benefits from our efforts of following through? Based on my experience and observation, the benefits of following through with our children usually takes effect when our children move out of the house. That's not very comforting right now, but Positive Discipline is based on long-range results.

Occasionally we will catch a glimpse of success when our children surprise us by following through without any reminders. That happens in my home about once a week and those little successes make it all worthwhile and remind me that my children might just make it in this world on their own someday.

Limiting Screen Time

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:28:00 +0000

I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen preparing to write a blog post about limiting screen time. My kids are in the other room playing video games. All of you are staring at your computer screen reading this post. What's wrong with this picture?

The fact is...we live in an age of technology. When most of us were growing up, we didn't have computers or cell phones. We did have televisions and I'm sure a lot of us spent our fair share of time watching Gilligan's Island, Star Trek, The Brady Bunch and (_________ fill in the blank of your favorite childhood television show). But we only had five channels. Eventually we got bored of watching TV and found something else to occupy our time.

Do you remember spending all day playing Monopoly? Creating a tiny city for your matchbox cars? Sleeping outside on the trampoline? The Slip 'N Slide? I could go on and on. The point is, we spent a lot less time in front of screens and we found other ways to entertain ourselves.

So why is it so hard to limit screen time today? I had this conversation with my children and my son said "That's because you didn't have all this cool stuff when you were a kid." And you know what? He's right! Video games finally appeared when I was a teenager, but I had to pay a quarter every time I played. It didn't take long to run out of money and then my friends and I left the video arcade and played basketball. But I'm sure if I had unlimited access I would have been like a gambling addict in Vegas. I probably would have never seen the light of day.

Just because our kids have unlimited access doesn't make it right. Or does it? I'm really not sure on this topic. Even though I would prefer that my kids spent less time with technology, they have well rounded lives. My kids both participate in sports at school. They both get straight A's. They have good friends. So why am I so worried about their screen time? Is it just "The Good Old Days" complex?

I've tried having "screen free" weeks in the past and those were the most miserable weeks of my life! I didn't get anything done, my kids were grumpy and expected me to entertain them. They fought with each other more and we all started getting on each other's nerves. I know you would like to hear a motivational success story, but it just didn't happen for me. Maybe that is because we are all screen addicts and those are the symptoms of withdrawal.

The truth is...I don't have the answer on this one. Maybe somebody else can provide some ideas for me or a success story. I'll be staring at my computer screen waiting to read all about it. :-)

Problem Solving with Positive Discipline

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 03:01:00 +0000

As I have been going through the Positive Discipline Tool Cards on a weekly basis, I am starting to find my favorite tools. One of my favorite tools is family meetings. We have been using the Family Meeting Album which helps me stay organized and consistent. Problem Solving is a big part of each family meeting. I find it difficult to problem solve effectively during our hectic weeks, but on the weekend during our family meetings we have more time to brainstorm for solutions.

I have included a sample problem solving page from one of our family meetings. As you can see, it helps to have a format for finding solutions. My daughter Emma was our scribe and both the kids participated in brainstorming for solutions. The following week we followed up to see how the solution was working. Both the kids agreed that it was working and Emma wrote "A++".

Children, Chores and The "Super Dad" Dilemma

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 04:11:00 +0000

This week Dr. Jane Nelsen discussed Jobs and Follow-Through with Teenagers. This really hit home for me because I have teenagers...and I am terrible about follow-through. To be honest, I have always found it easier to be a "Super Dad" doing everything for my kids rather than hassle with trying to get my kids to do much around the house. As long as they are taking care of their responsibilities with school, sports and music, I feel like they are fine.

But are they "fine?" Is it possible that I was robbing them of opportunities to feel capable?

I decided that this might be the case, so at a recent family meeting I suggested a system for handling chores around the house. I made a list of some of the most common chores that need to be done and listed them on a chart. Each day the children roll the dice and the number determines which chore they are responsible for that day. They really like this system because they also have the chance to roll a "6" for a free day.

But the system still requires follow-through on my part. The kids still need to be reminded to roll the dice each day and then I often need to remind them again to complete the chore. But overall it has been a success. And the children seem to be feeling good about their contributions.

Validating Feelings and Positive Time Out

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 14:57:00 +0000

I have been applying the Positive Discipline Parenting Tools for 2 months now. If you have been following along, are you feeling overwhelmed yet? I know I am...and we still have 42 more weeks to go! Yikes!

The good news is...the tools have been working. Family Meetings is my favorite. My kids look forward to our weekly family meeting and they have been great about finding solutions to the challenges put on the weekly family meeting agenda.

Special Time is another one of my favorite parenting tools. I have been putting our weekly special time on my calendar and making it a priority. But I never have to consult my calendar, because my kids remind me. I have been amazed how much they are looking forward to their special time.

The parenting tools for the past two weeks have been Validate Feelings and Positive Time Out.

I have to be honest, validating feelings is not one of my strong suits. I have trouble validating my own feelings much less validating the feelings of my children. Sometimes I will try and draw out feelings from my kids by asking them how they are doing, but I don't get much information from them.

My lack of skill in this area may be an inherent hazard of being a single dad. Men don't grow up discussing feelings with their friends. We spend time playing sports and finding creative ways to put each other down. Sensitivity is not exactly celebrated in the world of men. This is not an excuse, just a fact.

That is why learning tools is that much more important for me. I don't need to fix the feelings my children are having. Instead I can just use language that is validating. Dr. Jane Nelsen recommends statements like "I know how much that hurts." "I can see that you are upset." "That's how I feel sometimes."

I will try practicing these kind of staements this week. Maybe this will also come in handy at my monthly poker night with the guys. When I win a particularly large pot of money, I could say..."I know how much that hurts." "I can see that you are upset." "That's how I feel sometimes." HA! :-)

Positive Time Out is the other tool card that Dr. Jane Nelsen discussed this week. I can see how this would be very useful when my kids are have a bout of sibling rivalry. I have tried this in the past, but it has been in a more punitive way. "Both of you go to your rooms!" This week at our family meeting, I will suggest a more positive use of positive time out. I'm sure when they are starting to bug each other, a few minutes of positive time out would do wonders.

Positive Time Out would also be great for me! I don't lose my cool very often, but I have had my moments. I can think of many times when I have said things I wish I could take back. In those situations a positive time out could have prevented my outbursts. As a parent, I think I might even benefit more than my kids by using a positive time out.

Take Time for Training

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 15:47:00 +0000

This week we are working on the tool card "Take Time for Training". I noticed that this parenting tool is closely related to "Mistakes Are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn."

Kids make a lot of mistakes when helping out around the house. If you have teenagers, you might even find that they are purposefully incompetent. It's an age old teenager strategy that has been passed down through the ages. "If you do a lousy job, parents won't ask for your help." My kids often use this strategy with great success. Probably because I haven't "Taken Time for Training."

One day this week, my daughter was in charge of loading and starting the dishwasher. I walked into the house and heard the dishwasher running, but there was a very strong detergent smell. I looked in the trash can and saw two empty rinse agent bottles. Needless to say, those dishes were rinsed very well. We had a discussion about which dish washing detergent goes in the dishwasher and how the rinse agent is used.

Don't even get me started on my son's room. He has his own unique organizational system. As near as I can tell, this involves pushing things around on the floor and stacking things on every available counter space. Last week I asked him to clean his room. After he went to school I checked to see if he had made any progress. It didn't look any different to me except that there were a few more items underneath his bed (Including a check I had written two weeks ago that he was supposed to turn into school for his participation in track.)

My point is...I haven't done a very good job in the past of "Taking Time for Training". Getting started is the hard part because it will actually take more time at first. But I know in the long run it will save time when my kids are helping out more around the house. And I'm sure their future college roommates will thank me. :-)

Special Time

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 15:14:00 +0000

The Special Time tool card says "Schedule special time that is different from regular time." As a full-time single dad, I have found this to be a bit of a challenge. I am with my kids most of the time and I am also constantly multi-tasking. As a result, special time is often pushed aside. But during our family meeting last week I made a point to put our special time on the calendar. I don't think my kids have felt the effects yet, but if I am consistent with our special time for a few weeks I am sure we will have positive results. I will let you know how it goes.

Routine Charts for Teenagers

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 19:42:00 +0000

When I first read the Positive Discipline Tool Card on "Routines" my immediate reaction was, "There is no way this will work with teenagers." And I think that is probably true if you try to apply the tool card exactly as it is written. So I approached it a different way with my daughter. Instead of trying to create a routine chart with her, I invited her to come up with a routine chart on her own. She is very creative and without any input from me, she came up with the following.

The items on her chart are the things that are important to her. When children become teenagers, they are beginning to establish their own priorities. So I let her decide what those priorities would be. It will be fun to see how well this works for her.

I should probably explain the "Dice Chore" entry. We have come up with a method of doing chores in our family that is kind of fun for the kids. Every day they roll the dice and see which number comes up. The number on the dice corresponds to a chore for that day. They also have the opportunity to roll a "6" which is a free day with no chores. We just started this a couple weeks ago, and so far it has been very successful. Except when my son rolls a "2" which corresponds with dishes. He needs a little extra encouragement with that chore because he absolutely despises doing the dishes. :-)

Family Meeting Success

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 22:13:00 +0000

I must say that our family meeting went quite well last week. The items on our family meeting agenda were as follows:

1. iPod Touch (The kids had been arguing about sharing and the fact that it was always dirty and needed to be charged.)

2. Water Bottles (Dad was frustrated that the kids would take one drink from a water bottle and then leave it on the counter. We were wasting a lot of water.)

3. Name Calling (Emma was concerned about all the name calling between her and Gibson.)

We started using the Family Meeting Album which has been a big help. Emma acted as the recorder and was writing down all of the minutes for the meeting. First on the agenda was "Compliments."

1. Emma complimented Gracie (our dog) for being such a good girl.

2. Dad complimented Gibson for doing such a great job at his piano recital.

3. Dad complimented Emma for working so hard at her volleyball practices.

4. Gibson complimented Emma for working so hard at video games. (a little tongue in cheek)

After compliments we began to focus on solutions for the challenges on the agenda. We first brainstormed solutions for the iPod Touch. The following are the ideas we came up with.

1. Emma clean her hands before using.
2. Gibson let Emma have a proper turn.
3. Whoever uses it, cleans it.
4. Everybody plugs it in after using it.
5. Gibson understand that Emma does NOT pick her nose.
6. Have Emma sell her iPod Nano and buy her own iPod Touch.
7. Get rid of the iPod Touch.
8. Have a 2 hour limit.

The solutions the kids chose were #3 and #4. We decided that if someone didn't follow the rules, they would lose the privilege of using the iPod Touch for the rest of the week. And guess what? There wasn't a single argument about the iPod Touch this week. Emma was very conscientious about cleaning and plugging in the iPod Touch and Gibson never complained.

The next item on the list of challenges was "Water Bottles." This problem was pretty simple to solve. Dad suggested that everybody use the sharpie marker and put their initial on the cap. This seemed like a logical solution to the kids and they agreed. We didn't have any wasted water bottles this week.

The next item on the list of challenges was "Name Calling." We came up with the following solutions.

1. Gibson stop trying to annoy Emma.
2. When you want to call someone a name, say "I Love You" instead.
3. Emma try to be patient.
4. Emma use her stress ball when she is feeling frustrated.

The solution we chose for Emma was to use her stress ball. And for Gibson we decided he would say "I Love You" when he felt like calling Emma a name.

You may be thinking...Come on! There is no way a teenager agreed to say "I Love You." But a couple days later, I actually heard Gibson say "I Love You" to Emma when he was annoyed. And then later in the week, Emma came up to me and said "Hey Dad, guess how many days it has been since me and Gibson had a fight? FIVE DAYS!!!"

I'll admit that I had my doubts about solving our problems with a family meeting. But this has been such an overwhelming success, I am now a convert. I think my attitude during the meeting helped a lot. I really let the kids take the lead on brainstorming for solutions on their own. I made a few suggestions, but I always let the kids decide on the solution they wanted to try.

Family Meetings

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 05:29:00 +0000

In the past we have been holding family meetings on a fairly regular basis, but the structure has been a bit unorganized. We would usually just look at the calendar for the upcoming week and then plan our meals. I decided to download the Family Meeting Album to help me get a fresh start and I realized that we were missing some valuable steps.

Last weekend as suggested in the Family Meeting Album, we started our family meeting with compliments. I complimented both the kids and then asked if anyone else had any compliments. My daughter said "Yes" and it went something like this.

Emma: "I would like to compliment Gibson for not calling me names this week."

Gibson: "What are your talking about Emma? I just called you a name 10 minutes ago."

Emma: "I meant before that."

Gibson: "Whatever Emma."

I'm not sure if that exchange counts as a compliment, but maybe that is as close as you can get in the teenager world.

I also decided to post a family meeting agenda so we could add items during the week. One morning the kids were having an argument about using the iPod Touch. I asked Gibson to put it on the family meeting agenda. He wasn't too thrilled about that idea, but he put it on the agenda anyway.

Throughout this week I have noticed items showing up on the Family Meeting Agenda. I have also noticed that things have been a little more peaceful around the house. Dr. Jane Nelsen has mentioned that sometimes simply putting an item on the agenda is enough to diffuse the problem. That seems to be the case in our family.

I am looking forward to our family meeting this weekend. It will be fun to see what kind of solutions the kids will come up with. I will let you know how it works out.

How Do You Connect With Your Teenager?

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 21:58:00 +0000

TIME!

Teenagers need your time. I know they say that they don't want your time and they come up with every conceivable excuse to avoid time with family, but giving your teenager your time is still the best way to connect with them and maintain a relationship through those challenging years.

It's true that teenagers don't always want to spend the kind of time that WE want them to spend with us, so it's important to be there for the things that THEY want to do. That means showing up to support them in their world.

I will leap tall buildings to try and be at every sports game, orchestra concert, school play, or piano recital involving my teenagers. Regardless of what the event may be, my attendance is very important to them. They may downplay the importance, but I know they stand a little taller when they see me in the crowd.

This weekend I spent half of Friday and all of Saturday watching my daughter's volleyball tournament. Her team lost every game and I was there for every point. Every time she ran onto the court, she would peek over at me and smile. She didn't care so much about the score, but she did care that I was there to experience the event with her.

This past fall I attended my first cross country meet. I wasn't there because I suddenly discovered great entertainment value in the sport of cross country. I was there to support my son who was on the team. If you've never attended a cross country meet, let me paint you a picture. About 50 kids line up on the starting line. They fire the starting gun and for the first 100 meters it looks like a store opening on Black Friday. Runners are pushing a shoving their way onto the course. Then you wait...and wait...and wait. About 18 minutes later, runners start crossing the finish line. I began to wonder if I really needed to be there. But after each 5K my son would excitedly come up to me and explain how he ran a personal best time, or how the hill on the 3rd lap was really challenging. I would smile and give him a high five. Then he would run off to be with his friends.

Today I am sitting in Starbucks writing this blog post and my daughter is sitting next to me drinking a hot chocolate and reading her book. Even though we are not talking, we are connecting. Never underestimate the value of your presence in the lives of your teenagers. It will always be time well spent.

Treat Your Kids Like A Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 20:24:00 +0000

The parenting tool for this week is "Encouragement." My first thought was a quote from Toni Morrison ''Do your eyes light up when they walk into the room?'' That is such an encouraging quote and I decided to focus on "lighting up" when my kids walk into the room. What could be more encouraging than that?

As I thought about how I could accomplish this goal, I noticed how easy it is to light up when my dog Gracie walks into the room. Those of you who are dog lovers know what I mean. When Gracie comes walking into the room with her tail wagging, I get a big smile on my face and I have to give her some love and attention.

What if I treated my kids like a dog I wondered? What would their reaction be if I greeted them with the same enthusiasm? "Emmmmmmmmmaaaaaaa! How's my girl today? You look so cute! Come give me a hug!" So I tried it...and guess what? My kids loved it!

Think about it. No matter how bad your day has been, if somebody greets you with that much enthusiasm, you can't help but smile. And that's what happened. My kids smiled and basked in the attention. Not only that, but I felt better too.

Treat your kids like a dog and you might be surprised how much more joy there is in your home. Who knows...they might even start fetching the newspaper and going on walks with you.

The Art of Listening to Teenagers

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:40:00 +0000

First let me say that I have always thought I was a good listener. But then I asked my kids and they said "No way Dad...you're a lousy listener!" What??? So I asked my Mom and she confirmed the fact that I am a lousy listener. Apparently I REALLY need this parenting tool.

I have two very different teenagers. My daughter likes to talk A LOT!!! My son can go all day without saying more than two words to me. (I'm not counting grunting as words) So listening to my daughter involves great focus and listening to my son involves a little bit of mind reading and interpretation.

With my daughter I have been practicing closing my laptop and giving her my full attention. I've learned a lot this week by listening to my daughter. I learned that she got a perfect score on her history test. I learned that YouTube has a lot of hilarious videos. I learned a new magic trick. I learned that she doesn't like Chick-fil-A for dinner. I learned that the kids in her school swear a lot, and she doesn't like that. I learned a joke about a foreign guy who practiced English by watching commercials.

I didn't learn quite as much from my son. But I did try and observe him a little more closely this week. You can learn a lot from teenagers by observing their body language. For example; if my son sighs, slumps his shoulders, and puts two hot dogs in the toaster oven...that means he is not pleased with our choice of dinner. If he comes into the living room and sits on the couch, that means he needs a little time with dad. If he comes home and goes downstairs without saying a word, that means it was a long day at school and he needs to unwind. And if he re-washes his hair three times, that means he needs a haircut.

I'm glad we chose this parenting tool early, because I will be working on listening the entire year. Hopefully by the end of year I will be able to ask my kids again if I am a good listener and they will be able to say YES!

Happy New Year!

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 03:20:00 +0000

The New Year is here and it's time to dive into our 52 Parenting Tools in 52 Weeks. But before we start, we need to agree on some ground rules that will make this experience more enjoyable for ourselves and our children.

Rule #1 - Be Patient

We need to be patient with ourselves and our children. Positive Discipline is focused on long-term results. I know from experience that focusing on the "quick fix" will cause frustration and create conflict. There are no shortcuts in parenting.

In her Positive Discipline Parenting Workbook, Dr. Jane Nelsen has an activity called "What Do You Want for Your Children?". Click Here to download a sample from the workbook. This activity will help you focus on the long-term results.

Rule #2 - Be Honest

I think it is important for us to be honest with our experiences. There is strength in numbers and by sharing our struggles we will be helping each other feel less alone. When we share our successes, we will be helping others find solutions.

Rule #3 - Mistakes Are Opportunities to Learn

We are going to make mistakes and our children are going to make mistakes. But it is important to look at our mistakes as opportunities to learn and improve. We are not striving to be perfect parents. The goal is to improve. Let's celebrate our mistakes!

Rule #4 - Have Fun

Let's have fun! Parenting can get overwhelming and sometimes you just need to laugh at the absurdity of it all. I hope this will be a place full of positive energy.

Rule #5 - There Are No Rules

Feel free to improvise. Just because we are going through the parenting tools in a particular order doesn't mean that you can't skip ahead if you need help with an issue at home. In fact, many of these tools work well together, so I would encourage you to read through them all on a regular basis. I think it will be helpful for us to focus on each of them for a week, but that doesn't mean we can't use the other tools at any time.

52 Parenting Tools in 52 Weeks

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 19:21:00 +0000

Starting in January I will be venturing into a journey of self-improvement. Specifically...a journey of improving my parenting skills using the Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards. I took this journey once before in 2010 and it helped me stay focused on my parenting throughout the year. I learned a lot from that experience and I am excited to put that new knowledge to work this coming year.

One thing I learned is although I will involve my kids in this process, I won't specifically tell them that I am using new parenting tools. I found the first time around that my son used that information as a chance to sabotage my efforts. I think it will be better this time if I just start using the parenting tools and allow them to be pleasantly surprised when our family life becomes more respectful and loving.

The second thing that I learned is that it is helpful to be reading a companion Positive Discipline Book during the journey. Since my children are teenagers, I will be reading Positive Discipline for Teenagers. If I make a commitment to read a little each day from that book, it will help me stay focused and positive.

The third thing I learned is to be persistent. Sometimes it takes time for children to learn new habits. And sometimes when you think they've got it, they revert back to their old ways. This is just a fact and it takes persistence. Positive Discipline is focused on the long-range results. Some of the benefits may not appear until they go off to college on their own. So we need to allow our children to make a few mistakes and learn the skills they will need later in life.

I look forward to sharing my experiences with you and I hope you will share your comments along the way.

Here is the order I will be following throughout the year:

Week 1 - Listen
Week 2 - Encouragement
Week 3 - Connection Before Correction
Week 4 - Family Meetings
Week 5 - Compliments
Week 6 - Routines
Week 7 - Special Time
Week 8 - Take Time for Training
Week 9 - Validate Feelings
Week 10 - Positive Time Out
Week 11 - Jobs
Week 12 - Mistakes
Week 13 - 3 R's of Recovery
Week 14 - Problem Solving
Week 15 - Limit Screen Time
Week 16 - Follow Through
Week 17 - Agreements
Week 18 - Focus On Solutions
Week 19 - Logical Consequences
Week 20 - Natural Consequences
Week 21 - Teach Children What to Do
Week 22 - Put Kids in the Same Boat
Week 23 - Allowances
Week 24 - Hugs
Week 25 - Wheel of Choice
Week 26 - Act Without Words
Week 27 - Understand the Brain
Week 28 - Back Talk
Week 29 - Winning Cooperation
Week 30 - Distract & Redirect
Week 31 - Decide What You Will Do
Week 32 - Practice
Week 33 - Empower Your Kids
Week 34 - Motivation
Week 35 - Kind and Firm
Week 36 - Pay Attention
Week 37 - Small Steps
Week 38 - Control Your Behavior
Week 39 - Sense of Humor
Week 40 - Silent Signals
Week 41 - Letting Go
Week 42 - Eye to Eye
Week 43 - Closet Listening
Week 44 - One Word
Week 45 - Show Faith
Week 46 - Break the Code
Week 47 - Avoid Pampering
Week 48 - Anger Wheel of Choice
Week 49 - Encouragement vs Praise
Week 50 - Limited Choices
Week 51 - Curiosity Questions
Week 52 - Mirror

I Lost My Girlfriend And Bought A New Driver

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 01:39:00 +0000

The Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 23:29:00 +0000

Sometimes when you're feeling down...

And you don't know which way to turn...

It can help to have a soft place to land...

Or get a hug...

Maybe take a walk and smell the flowers...

And meet a new friend...

Then get out and do something fun...

And before you know it, you'll be smiling again! :-)

The Most Rewarding Job in the World

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Tue, 24 May 2011 19:52:00 +0000

It may not pay very well, but being a parent is still the most rewarding job in the world!

An Outstanding Student!

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 02:45:00 +0000

Today I attended a luncheon with my daughter at the school district offices. She was awarded the Outstanding Student of the Year Award for her Elementary School. I was so proud of her!

Below is a letter from her teacher that was read to the audience when she was presented with her award.

"Emma is an outstanding girl. She is one of the kindest people you will meet and is always seen including kids who don't have anyone else to play with. She tries her absolute hardest at any task she is given, and usually goes above and beyond surprising her teachers with her extra effort. She has a wonderful combination of intelligence mixed with creativity and curiosity.

But what really sets Emma apart, is her dedications to issues that are beyond the thoughts of most 6th grade students. She is wholly dedicated to the environment and the misuse of our natural resources. She has started her own business that sells school supplies made of mostly recycled materials, and has even donated a portion of her profits to the school.

Emma is a wonderful person and will make a fantastic citizen of our country. No one who knows Emma will be surprised to see her succeed at whatever she sets her sights on. We are proud to have her as a student in our school!"

Some Things Never Change

noreply@blogger.com (Single Dad Brad) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 18:52:00 +0000

In this crazy, mixed up world...it's good to know that some things never change!