Strange Blue Ocean

Well, Hey There.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 23 Apr 2014 20:40:00 +0000

Its been a minute, or months.
I'm still here, still waiting.
Some days are harder than others.
Some days are REALLY harder than others.
But I truly believe there is a lesson here, the price you pay for wanting something so much, or loving something so much, is that emptiness you feel when it leaves.
I believe there is beauty in that empty, and without the assurance of the hollowness I feel, I wouldn't know how capable I am of loving.

There's a little bit of heart break I feel right now, as school breaks for the summer. Some of my dearest friends and greatest supports are off to LA to continue their film careers. It hurts knowing that once again, I loved so deeply, only for it to be lost, leaving a new kind of hollow in my chest.

However, life's greatest blessing, and life's greatest curse is simply that it goes on.

199 Love Letters

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 10 Aug 2013 21:15:00 +0000

I haven't posted in a while, life has been full, and continues to fill everyday. Yesterday was a sleepy day, I stayed up till sunrise talking with my dad. After eight or so hours of conversation my sleep trickled into the afternoon. Summer brings about such an irresponsibility in me, even as I get older, even when I have to work, I still find myself guilelessly enjoying the coolness of my bed -escaping the heat of the day.

Mail from my darling came a little later this week than expected. Usually his red and blue airmail bundles arrive on Monday, this week, just as I was about to lose hope they came Friday! As I sift through his letters each week, I never take much notice of the dates or numbers of his letters. After all, living in separate worlds means I get his writings weeks, sometimes months later. This week, as I flipped over the last page of this bundle, I caught a glimpse of the number 199. Then it hit me, it the past 7 and a half months my darling has written one hundred and ninety nine letters; filled with love, funny stories, poetry, and thoughts. For the first time, these letters felt real. I came to realize how truly lucky I am to have him. I think back to my teens, even with all of my uncontrolled passion and clinging to self absorption... It still took me nearly 5 years to write down enough thoughts to fill one single journal. Now here I sit with an entire stack of letters, enough to fill my pink journal, but this time these pages have been written for me.

I know there are too many love sick hearts in this world, those who feel unnoticed or invalidated. I feel both comforted and embarrassed that someone on the other side of the planet could spend so many hours invested in me. How I wish everyone could experience a love like ours, and in the same exact thought, I wouldn't wish long distance on anybody. I'm learning to take the good with the bad I suppose, and there's always so much good to be found here.

Miss you, my Aussie Lover.
Love, Lacey

that one week that changed my life

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 23:40:00 +0000

Looking back, it seems like such a small part of my life, just one of my twenty one summers spent, yet, looking forward its sending my life spinning in a direction I never anticipated or dreamt of!
This week, two years ago, was the week my life changed. I've only spoken in detail about it to a few people. Now, as I have time to sit in sweet nostalgia, seems like the appropriate time to finally write it down.

June of 2011 consisted of exactly EIGHT days, EIGHT, between me getting a Skype call from two strangers, and me boarding a plane to move across the globe to live with them. I was off to be nanny for the summer! My friends always ask me if I was scared, If I knew what I was getting into. My answer is no. You see, I can only explain this experience by comparing it to one a few years earlier...
When I was sixteen I went to New York City for dance trip, roomates, Broadway, classes at NYU the whole bit! The first morning I was there: I remember standing on the street, seeing the tourists staring up into the sky with wonderment. I looking up and around, then back at them, I didn't understand.... All I saw was a building. And from where I was standing, I couldn't see the top. As my friends and I walked inside, I saw the granite walls and a gold logo reading "Empire State Building". We took the elevator to the top, and ONLY from the top, did I realize why those tourists were so amazed! You see, from the ground, I couldn't see it, I couldn't comprehend what was going on, it was a gray building, only later, as looked out onto all of NYC was I able to appreciate the size of that building. So it was with moving to Australia, booking a plane ticket and moving in with perfect strangers seemed like a no brainer to me! Only now, can I look back and see what a massive decision that was, and how it would leave the biggest parts of myself...changed.

I left on a Sunday afternoon. That morning I went to church and in a last minute passing with my Aussie neighbors and friends, I found, I was moving to the same area they were from. In all the commotion they quickly jotted down the name and number of their dear friends, and told me if I needed ANYTHING, I should call them. (They should have warned me then and there I'd fall madly in love with those friends' son Josh.)

To my surprise, my flight was actually the best I could imagine. Even though I flew coach, I was the only person on the entire 747 who had an entire row to herself. If you've ever had a long-haul flight, HELL, any flight, you know what a blessing this is! The man sitting opposite of me looked like he walked straight out of Crocodile Dundee and for a moment I thought I was literally going to jump out of my skin with pure excitement.

For the entire fourteen hours and ten minutes between LA and Sydney I had my headphones on, listening to a playlist made up entirely of Angels and Airwaves. It was the only way I knew I could keep myself calm, as I was realizing my bridge between endless possibilities and reality was closing. My imagination was running a marathon of ideas. My nanny family could be any kind of people, the mum and dad could be classy high rollers, or they could be sport fans, they could live in the mountains or a short stroll from the beach. As I sat on the plane the possibilities were endless, but I knew when I got there, whatever was, well...was.

(my coming and going from Sydney)

My beautiful calmness lasted all the way through customs and my Sydney layover. And stopped abruptly in the Brisbane Airport when I realized no one was there to greet me. After a little cry fest and a $150.00 pay-phone call home, (you read that right) my calmness was back, and I scooted my light blue suitcase onto the next train bound for the Gold Coast. Here I sat, in a foreign country, with no working phone, only knowing the names of two people, not knowing where I was in proximity to where I was going. You'd think I'd be having a panic attack but instead I giggled to myself over how red the dirt was outside the train window. The second I got off the train, one of the workers greeted me with a "Hey, are you that American girl?" I looked around and thought.... I know Aus has a small population but I'm sure there's more than one of us American girls.... I replied yes and she took me to my sweet nanny mum who was waiting. The rest is pretty smooth sailing from there.

Its absolutely blows my mind to think, how little I knew back then. I had NO IDEA I was just weeks away from meeting the love of my life, how on a rainy evening I'd get my last first kiss, how I would obsess over this boy, how within 18 months we would spend nearly ten grand on our transcontinental relationship. How I'd grow to know and love the coast, how I hope to raise my family there. Sometimes life hands you opportunities, and just like me and The Empire State Building, you can't see what your looking at until you take that chance and see it from the top.

With Love, Lacey

a little film for a boy I love

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 18:45:00 +0000

Inspired by springtime in my warm city and my immense fondness for letter writing these days; I've produced this little film to throw on a USB and send to my favourite Aussie, lover and friend. There's no simple or easy way to explain how much I love him and feel his absence in my life. This is our second year on separate continents, yet these past four months have felt a little different from the rest. I've exchanged hours and hours of conversation each night, for long days of silence; and envelopes ripping at the seams with written words of love and encouragement from my darling. A little sweet, a little sad, this is my first personal video to ever make it to the internet.

(Hey Josh! -I love you near or far!)

With Love,
Lacey

Louis & The Road

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 21:51:00 +0000

Its safe to say my lover is the best gift giver. From tears of joy, over little blue boxes tied with white satin ribbon...to tears of laughter after seeing a life size inflatable dolphin. This boy knows me all too well! When we celebrated this last Christmas, my lover pulled out a poorly wrapped rectangle from under the tree. As he handed it to me he laughed and said "Its really lame, but I know you'll like it." not having a clue, I asked "On a scale from one to awesome, how great is it?" Josh quickly put his head down, shook it as he said "ONE! definitely one!" I peeled back the thin layer of wrapping, and let out a loud scream as I read the words One Direction.. My screams quickly evolved into hysterical laughter as I discovered it was a Louis doll, complete with a navy stripped shirt and boat shoes. My love went to the trouble to find this little guy on eBay, as a "replacement boyfriend" while he is serving his mission. I swear, a grown up girl should never be this ecstatic about a boy band, or a doll. Yet here I sit, laughing, just thinking about it!

I had to take a quick trip to Phoenix this past weekend. I left my red cliff home before sunrise, grabbed Louis the doll and decided I wanted to put together a little album to show Josh the adventures he's missing. After three states, a few detours, an Indian reservation lacking in a sense of humor, and possibly a gallon of diet coke we made it! This is Louis & The Road.

For you, my lover!

Words from Josh: First Memories

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 20:56:00 +0000

To My Dearest Most Precious Sweet Lacey,

I love you more than I fear I'll ever be able to tell you. They just don't make words for these feelings. I love the memories we have created together, and cherish them as the prized possession they are. I remember the first night I ever met you, you were wearing that white holy-jumper and jeans, you had your hair up at the back and your fringe across your forehead. I remember how exotic and mysteriously beautiful you looked. I didn't even entertain the thought of ever having you. Why would I bother wasting my time even pretending I could have someone as beautiful, eloquent and confident as you? I remember listening to you talk, thinking how funny you were. I remember the awkward embarrassing moment of you walking into my room seeing my nerdy collection of armour and making jokes at my expense, and trying it all on!

I remember my anxious feeling I would get of hanging out with you as I slowly got to unravel the mystique identity of Lacey Hilliard, I was so nervous just to be with you, I didn't even want to sit next to you! I remember trying to distance myself from you, knowing I would never be able to live up to a person of equal worth as you. I still try very hard but feel I fall short. I thank the Lord every day for blessing me with you.

I remember THAT night of all nights. We were in the car, my mind was racing. I was trying to talk myself into it but was scared. Scared of rejection. I remember finally getting up the courage to reach over to hold the hand of the most exquisitely beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on, and to my disbelief, she held my hand back! I remember the warm feeling that coursed through my body and my heart swell with affection and earning to be with you. What I experienced at that moment I didn't until later interpret as love. I remember darling, my mind to think even further, a kiss. I had to kiss you, but how? Where? And ultimately, how will she react? I devised a plan on that last sad drive full of mixed emotions back to your (nanny family's) house. We got out of the car, I walked you to your door, I looked at you and wigged out at the last minute and went in for a hug. Little did I know that you had other ideas! I remember trying to hug you and you interception me with a kiss on the lips! (And that kiss, turned into two then three...) LACEY! How glad I am that you took that initiative! I refuse to even think of what might have become of us if you didn't do that. I knew right then and there I wanted more of those! And would always want more of those! I walked back to the car, gently touching my lips with my tongue, smiling a big wide goofy smile, I had kissed you.

These are but a few of my favourite first memories of you my love.

Love, Joshua Peter Williams

a new kind of apartness.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 00:46:00 +0000

My Dearest Joshua,

Today you left New Zealand for Sydney. It's the day your mission begins. It's the day I'm realizing we truly are a new kind of apart. The kind where only emails and letters will survive us.

My darling, I more than love you, you are my soul. These past three weeks of apartness I've felt as if my soul has wandered away from me, and my heart is left a little cold. Some nights I lie awake, confused as to how I can possibly dream when my body has learned to only sleep with my phone tucked between the pillow and my head. I miss your sleepy voice, I miss the quiet silence between us, I miss waking to my face feeling flushed from the heat of my phone.

This time its hard. Hard, but not impossible. And this apartness ultimately will only bring us closer together. We're slowly learning to rely on ourselves rather than each other, and learning how to be our own people again. We're still so young, sometimes we forget it, it's nice to feel it again. This time of life we're supposed to feel a little lost and alone.

As of now, I'm a little emotionally hungry; I want more than anything to curl my fingers around your face, stare into your pale blue eyes and tell you how much I love you again. It makes me sad, and yet, the sadness reminds me I'm still alive, no longer numb to the pain of being apart. My darling, I can never fully express how grateful I am for you. All these wonderful things you've taught me about life and love, both directly and indirectly. You've given me a life I could have only dreamed of. And I am forever in debt to you. I know what we're doing is right. I hope you'll smile because you know this is where we belong. The world is changing, and it will change often, only our love remains. I know we are stronger than any time or distance.

I love you and it is the beginning of everything.

With Love, Always,
Lacey

Go Lovely Go.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 01:00:00 +0000

If you've ever spent time on the ocean you remember your body adapting to the rocking motion of the waves, so much that, when you stand on land it feels as if the ground is the one moving up and down. The past two weeks I've spent so many hours napping on Josh's lap, listening to his steady heart beat and the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Now, as I lay still at night I feel him. My pillow has his heart beat, my blankets move to his rhythm of his breath. As I doze in and out of consciousness there's a part of me that feels we're still together.

Josh and I shared a beautiful last weekend together. Friday night we stayed at the Marriott with some of his family and shared some "excessive indulgence" as he called it. As we sat next to one another and shared an incredibly expensive dinner for two, I looked into my lovie's blue eyes, tried to tell him just how much I love him, but as usual, just ended up crying. I woke to the ocean views, a snuggly bath robe and French macaroons for breakfast. From there we mixed things up and headed to a flee market, not exactly the five star resort we had just left. It was scorching, sticky and crowded. We most likely ate fry bread from an unlicensed restaurant. Josh bought a wooden bow and arrows, because he's actually twelve. Then he bought the both of us some of the sweetest fudge slices from Mount Tambourine. That evening we had "dinner" at Max Brenners Chocolatier, there we had a chocolate covered plate of Belgian waffles and thick Italian hot chocolate. Sunday was spent amongst our most precious loved ones, Josh's family. There was a Christmas dinner for lovie and I while everyone could be together. We shaved Josh's luscious locks at a sorry attempt at giving him a mission haircut, the clippers we used didn't like to cut hair, it took nearly three hours and lots of tears welling in my eyes.

Monday was the day I left my heart in Aus, we woke early to pack my bags and pray they'd be underweight. The ride to the airport is foggy. I didn't cry. Instead I wrapped my arms around my darling, rested my head on his chest, and said goodbye to my world through the window. After checking my bag we made our way to the international departure gate. We planted our feet a few steps from it and simultaneously squeezed each other and let out a long sob. Not much was said. tears were streaming down both our faces we kissed and held one another and cried. The hardest part about saying goodbye is deciding when to finally let go, deciding which kiss is worthy of being your last, forcing your feet to walk in a direction your heart won't let you, deciding if you should turn back and run to them, and if you do, hoping you carry the strength to do it all over again.

I boarded in Brisbane and before I knew it I found myself in LAX. In my hysterical sobs, sprinting down the terminal with only socks on my feet, trying so desperately to catch my last flight home. The flight we booked only gave me thirty minutes to clear customs and security before boarding the flight home.

My best friend Sarah picked me up, how grateful I am to her for spending her 21st birthday turning my devastating day into a more positive one. Lovie called me at the airport, between my 24 hours of insomnia and his phone call from a land of 3am neither of us remember the conversation. Only that it happened. Lovie perfectly describes my feelings now in a letter he wrote for my plane home,
"Like ripping off a bandaid and feeling exposed, it's a time we feel raw and naked without each other"

Our relationship isn't an easy one, we are torn by distance, but we love each other with a passion most will never quite understand. And with that we are worth every minute. We're strong apart so someday we'll be stronger together.

I love my Joshua Peter.

With Love, Lacey

a lost post

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 00:50:00 +0000

I lost my last post about our adventures in Australia. I'm so devastated a little piece of my inner thoughts has been erased but here are our pictures.

Lunch on the beach
Fish and chips with the family by the seaside
Playing with our new friends the kagaroos and koalas at the wildlife sanctuary.
And lots and lots of naps.
We were together and everything was perfect.

Reuited

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 03:05:00 +0000

Tuesday morning I woke to the smell of empty chardonnay glasses and the sight of big dipper tilted vertically. It wasn't Tuesday morning at all, it was really some time between here and there, it just felt as Tuesday morning. I slipped my satin eye cover down and fell back asleep. I arrived in Brisbane at six am, my bum was so numb I checked my pants three times to assure they hadn't slid down. While my body was tired, I felt so relieved waiting in line to have my passport stamped, after making the pass through customs I threw my bags on a trolly I left for the greeting area. Josh wasn't there when I came out, my flight had arrived earlier than expected, so I texted him and told him I'd be by "the coffee club" a few moments later he stepped through the large glasss doors, I literally leaped and ran towards him and buried my face Into his chest! Maybe shed a tear or two...maybe. That initial greeting is so strange, sometimes you forget how this person you spend so many hours with from afar is a real person, not just a voice or a moving picture on a screen. We kissed and grinned. The forty-eight hours since have been nothing but a wonderful blur. I love this country. I crave this slow living, the smell of the bread, the way the humid breeze feels on my skin, the squeaks of the parrots, the early sunrises and sunsets, the kangaroos outside my bedroom window, everything is bliss.

*My lovie went through the temple last night, what a beaming person I saw when he came out those doors. I cant wait to marry him in this temple someday!

With love, Lacey

20 Years and 1 Day

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 05:28:00 +0000

my lovie,

today you are 20 and 1 day. i wish i could have been there to spend your day with you, but more than anything i wish i had the words to express my feeling towards you. i try but often fall short, or just end up bawling. i believe 20 years and 1 day ago you were brought into this world for me and only me, my soul mate, will you. this love, even fairytale characters would be jealous. you are my love you are my life, and someday you'll make me a wife.

i think back to the last time i held you close, it was at the LA airport and we were both headed to separate terminals. we were both crying uncontrollably, and i wondered if my heart had ever ached so much. then sitting on the plane and reading the note you left on my phone i was reassured my heart could and would continue to ache for you. that passion, and heart ache and physical aching to be with that person is something few people will ever get to experience, but how grateful i am to fill my heart with such love at such a young age.

i truly believe i love you more than any person has ever loved another.

i'll cross the world for someone like you.

happy 20th birthday to my favourite person, lover and best friend.

*i bought lovie a ring with my finger print engraved on the outside, basically so he can go on a crime committing rampage and blame me. also, gotta love josh's upside down 5 for a 2, awesome family.

With love. Lacey.

962.97 hours

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 23:46:00 +0000

and he infinitely carries my heart, my love

i am so indescribably thrilled to see this sleepy face in real life once again. a mere five weeks is feeling like an eternity! the tickets booked. my visa is...well...i always forget about travel visas, i'm about 90 percent certain i didn't even have one in australia last chirstmas. threat to national security, who?

i adore the reassurance that comes with this particular type of travel. when people ask about josh and i and our plans for the future i can confidently explain our hopes of living in australia after we're married. yet secretly, it scares the hell out of me! and then i'm there. something about the smell of queensland, maybe the warmth of the people or the carry of their accents. it feels peaceful, it feels like home. more of a home than i've ever known. and makes me question if its possible to spend your entire life not fully understanding the pleasure of belonging.

5 weeks 5 days 1 hour 23 minutes 35 seconds till my feet touch the ground.

with love,

Lacey

Shall We?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 01:35:00 +0000

*credit to the wandering post card project

as lovie and i have been discussing a potential trip to australia in december i am reminded of this time last year and this post card. i love the inevitablity of these four words..."have love. will travel." so simple, yet it fills my heart with gratitude and awe. let me start with last october, i was in university, jobless, and wanting more than anything to see lovie. the problem was we couldn't afford it, j was saving for his upcoming mission and i was a broke college student. almost nightly i would have a sobbing break down just knowing we were getting closer to my holiday break, and still had no means of paying for a plane ticket. during one of these heart broken tear feasts dad read me a couple of pages from the book the four hour work week. the author basically said he would walk through walls at the chance of sailing through the greek isles, yet, he wouldn't change his breakfast cereal for a week if it meant a weekend get away in minnesota. dad closed the book and pointed at me assertively and muttered "that. is. why. you're going to australia". from that moment on i told myself that if this trip was meant to happen it would work itself out, i wasn't going to waste any more time stressing. a few days later i was driving to class when a lady backed into me, yes, driving backwards, down the road, leaving a huge dent on my rear passanger side. it was strange enough circumstances that the accident couldn't have been my fault. a few days after that i recieved a check from the insurance company for nearly $1400! i concluded to not fix my car, but put the money towards one very expensive plane ticket, with josh's help we had booked my trip by the end of the week!

i've realized the inevitability of dreams. nothing is out of reach. nothing. if it seems impossible, you just have to want it more. have love. will travel. have desires. have hope. have faith. will do.

with love,

lacey