Look at this baby. You sit on this thing at your desk and no one will screw with you, lest you pull out your roscoe and start blasting the joint up. This is the official office stool for the man who knows the dead man’s hand (aces and eights, if you’re not in the know or some kind of hoople-head).

Hammacher-Schlemmer now has this bad boy Office Saddle Seat priced at $199.95. Shipping is free through 9/30 with coupon code HAMMFREE. The saddle helps with posture too! According to the site, “its gentle forward slope shifts the pelvis forward and raises the buttocks above the knees, resulting in semi-standing posture that discourages hunching over or slouching.” Whatever you say, pilgrim.

This seat might also inform subordinates that you are most definitely carrying a gun, which will help with their posture.

In Europe and Asia, most cyclists choose economical bikes to get them to and fro. Hipsters, however, use their bicycle as a status symbol because a $1000 car isn’t very chic. A $1000 cotton candy pink road bike that has no brakes and no gears? That tells the world something about you. Probably that your parents divorced when you were young, but whatever.

Soon, everyone can draw plenty of attention to their bike, whether it’s a baby blue Le Prince Bicyclette or your mom’s cream Schwinn. Korean designer Eungi Kim has designed this Horsey Bike Ornament for the Seoul Cycle Design Competition. Neeehhh! Though not yet available for mass consumption, I will sleep easy knowing that a pack of fauxhemians in my own urban area will be flying down the street together, all brandishing these like some sort of limp-wristed James Gang.

However, no one can deny how delicious marshmallows are, especially floating in milk. Yum? If it’s not your cup of tea, you can always feed it to your kid’s bratty friend the morning after a sleepover and then send him home to mom and pop for a sugar-fueled afternoon of nightmarish antics. Take that, Timmy’s parents!

CerealMarshmallows.com (that name really gets the for-sale product involved!) is now selling bags of these, uh, Cereal Marshmallows starting at $7.99 for14 ounces. However, if you’re looking to buy in bulk, you can get up to 95 pounds of these little sugar bombs. And if you are buying 95 pounds of these, send photos.

Well readers, my Reebok Rads — awesome as they were before I took a beating — ain’t got nothing on this guy. This guy’s shoes make my Rads look like a hobo’s recent rejection from the Aldi dumpster.

Daniel Reese paints custom Nikes and you and I should probably get a pair. I imagine it won’t take Nike too long to stop him from doing this, in fact it may happen in five minutes. He’s gifted. Not like Vincent Van Gogh gifted, but good enough to paint shoes well. His site is called Brassmonki, and even if you’re not interested, it’s worth a serious look. Tons of cool, if childish, ideas. Dude’s like the lesser Van Gogh of shoe painting. I guess that makes him the Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec of painting shoes.

Either way, Batman Nikes! (Make your younger brother wear the Robins.) Take that Lamar Odom! Who are you again? Do you play for the Clippers?

As the story goes, he escapes some farmers that made him in an oven because they were childless, a classic example of how messed up the fairy tales from that era are. As they give chase, he shouts the taunt, “Run, run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man!” Eventually a fox catches and eats him. You know why the fox caught him? Because he wasn’t a ninja.

We’ve covered ninjas before at StrangeDeals. They’re badass. No one denies this. So, if you’re ninjaless rather than childless, you should probably hook yourself up with these Ninjabread Men Cookie Cutters. They’re at Perpetual Kid for only $7.99 starting in September. Careful though, after coming out of the oven, they might just take their awesome bamboo blowguns to your unsuspecting neck instead of running away. And don’t expect any fun taunts: ninjas have never once spoken.

Yodeling: we’ve all heard it and somehow it’s pervaded world culture. We all have a sense of it, but couldn’t possibly hope to recreate the highs and lows of its novelty notation. And the yelps, we can’t do those, at least not as responsible people living in our local US cities, townships, and villages.

Yodeling: really? You’ve preserved this portion of your history? Why not the viking funeral? That thing is ultimate! The one where they kick your canoe off the shore and shoot a flaming arrow at your corpse and light the whole boat aflame? Then you go to Valhalla where you get in mead-drinking contests with other vikings! Yeah! Metal! Mastodon!

Yodeling: hopefully no one is doing it. Especially considering they can have it done for them, by a pickle no less! A ridiculous pickle! A Yodeling Pickle! Of course, it’s at Amazon (we all know they’ll sell anything) and it’s only $10.70. So just buy it already: your life will take on new meaning, both spiritually and intellectually, when you own this soon-to-be artifact.

Preserve the yodel!

It’s a major award!

Shucks, I wouldn’t know that. It looks like a lamp.

What is a lamp, you nincompoop? It’s a major award. I won it!

Damn, hell, you say won it?

Yeah, mind power, Swede, mind power.

One of the best parts of the film A Christmas Story is that it reminds us of how crazy parents are. Yours, mine, strangers’ parents, it doesn’t matter. They’re all of bunch of kooks who win lamps shaped like the legs of French prostitutes and then demand they be displayed in the front window.

Is your mother or father completely nuts? Then get them this Folies Bergere Boudoir Stool from Skymall.com. Just like Ralph’s father, they’ll display it proudly in the billiard room or boudoir for company to admire (I can’t even get a washing machine in my apartment and you’re telling me people still have boudoirs?), then go on to prepare some herring to go with the light sherry they’re having to drink during the pre-dinner Lhasa Apso conversation.

Dave, it’s almost time for your shower to be over.

HAL is actually a derivative of the acronym IBM. See it in the letters? H-I; A-B; L-M. Almost everyone who loves Space Odyssey knows this. But Space Odyssey, for all its groundbreaking work, isn’t actually that fun to watch.

Not like Scorsese’s Casino, where they have that one scene where they use they Use the F-Word 21 Times in Two Minutes (if you aren’t a fan of profanity, please please don’t watch this; StrangeDeals is a family site).

Nonetheless, you’ve probably been looking for an evil little robot to be telling you how to shower. Should I conserve water? “Yes,” says your new little beast, training you properly with a series of progressive lighting. This pebble  shortens its suggested stop time, conditioning you to use water wisely. It’s the Water Pebble! It’s available for only $10 at Uncommon Goods.

Dave, I really think I’m entitled to an answer to that question.

Of course I jest. But these scissors seem suitable for about three purposes: accurately cutting paper and cloth, and cutting, uh well, you know, that thing they cut during circumcisions. Whatever the hell that thing is called.

So, as one of the more practical devices we’ve posted in, say, our entire StrangeDeals existence, just go ahead and buy these Circum-Scissors (I made that name up; they went with the oh-so-clever “scissor tape measure”). They’re just $9.98 at Taylor Gifts. Your future clients’ beloved children will thank you for the precision and accuracy.

Everywhere there’s lots of piggies
Living piggy lives
You can see them out for dinner
With their piggy wives
Clutching forks and knives to eat their bacon

Now I’m not positive, but I think they’re using pigs as an allegory for something else here, because I don’t think pigs can get married yet. And pigs eating bacon is probably how foot-and-mouth disease started. Though, the Beatles are from England and things can get weird pretty fast over there.

So, if you know anyone who can be a bit piggish, lighten up their sty with this cool Pig Snout Mug. It’s only $14.99 at Perpetual Kid. Or buy one for yourself, bring it to the office, and see how many times you can say “oin-kay” instead of “okay” before you get fired. Over-under is probably like three times (I’ll take the under).

This is because foreigners and their beer and their brewmasters pride themselves on being difficult. Just take one of my favorite Munich beers, Spaten. Their motto is, “das ist der rattan, drink de Spaten,” which my friend had his grandmother who speaks German translate for us. Her response? “Let the rats drink shovels.” Indeed Munich, indeed.

Luckily, the prodigies over at ThinkGeek.com have this Bottle Opening T-Shirt available for $19.99. It’s even got a picture of a certain non-copyright-infringing Futurama robotic lookalike on the front. Just place your bottle cap in the (non-Bender) robot’s hand and snap it off. Das ist gut!

In case you’re bored, watch ThinkGeek’s handy YouTube video starring depressive, non-contributing slackers from their staff demonstrating how to wear this shirt properly (hint: properly involves living in a dirty Williamsburg apartment).

Of course, when I go to the eye doctor their always trying to upsell me on bionic laser pupils and night vision eyes like Vin Diesel in those dumb movies that no one ever saw. But that’s neither here nor there.

What is here (almost)? Adaptive Lens Technology! Look out eye doctors, this badass new eyeware is going to put you in the bread line! You can then ask yourself, “is this better or worse?” It will likely be worse than when you were a rich doctor.

I don’t quite understand how these work, but I won’t need to because they’re so easy to use. You just twist the dial until you can see, or if you prefer, unsee everything in front of you. Adlens, developers of Adaptive Lens Technology, uses a hollow lens with plastic stretched across. That plastic is then filled with refractive index fluid (or as I like to call it, special sauce) until all the convexes and vectors and things are in place for perfect vision.

They should really make these for your nose too. Adaptive Smell Technology: you could have either a heightened canine-like sense of smell, or if you live in Mogadishu, you could unsmell everything.

Take, for example, this Marugoto Tamachan Portable Watermelon Cooler. Why does this thing exist? I don’t know, but I have a feeling it’s to make the rest of the world feel like a bunch of Okies and hayseeds who wouldn’t know a portable watermelon cooler from a Hello Kitty Sushi Maker (careful, that site is weird and possibly inappropriate).

Wanna be the coolest guy or gal at the next barbecue? Buy this thing and act all aloof when people wonder what the hell it is. “You’ve never seen a Marugoto Tamachan Portable Wheeled Watermelon Cooler? Do you live in a cave?”

It’s available at Joybond (a site with the oh-so-awesome slogan, “Car Care System For Professional Purpose”) for only 19,950 yen (about $231). Then, and only then, will you be able to cool mobile watermelon for professional purpose.

Well, one thing always leads to another and we’re usually quite punchy after our sixth glass.

But why on Earth are we drinking six glasses of wine (other than our Frog manager forcing them down our gullets one after another after another)? We’re American, dammit! Give us one huge glass!

Ask and thou shalt receive. This Giant Wine Glass holds 750 milliliters of wine, or if you’re French, a full bouteille de vin (I’m told that means jug of vin). It’s available from The Storage Store (via Amazon) for only $11.99.

Maintenant, boire autant que vous le pouvez.

Then I saw all those movies: The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, and U-571. Remember U-571? Me neither. Well except for that one line, “Everything’s in German!”

Back to the point. I now know that there is no way in hell I would ever get in a submarine that was actually going to, you know, submerge.

Then, along comes this Personal Submarine. Just looking at it makes me want to walk on some concrete. It has a lot of cool features, though: it can descend to depths of 1000 feet; it has a 3.25″-thick acrylic pressure sphere; there are two 3-horsepower motors allowing it to travel at up to four knots; and it can frighten me. It’s at Hammacher Schlemmer for just $2,000,00, because who needs a mansion in Miami when you can have your own U-Boat?

Buy it, send us some photos of yourself underwater in it, and we’ll send you some complimentary medication. You need help.

Swearing in traffic, with the windows up, so you can say the kinds of things that make old ladies faint

Swearing at your mother, then apologizing, then cussing more under your breath as you walk away

Swearing on the phone, at the phone company because, man are they a bunch of F@#%$

Swearing at animals, my cats for instance

Swearing while hitting someone with a shovel, then swearing at the judge in court after your sentencing

Sometimes though, our swearing becomes monotonous. We use the same cuss words so often that they seem to lose their effect. The F-word is a very powerful one, but when you pepper every other word in the same sentence with it like Andrew Dice Clay, you sound obtuse. After all, variety is the spice of life.

Some good people at the UK site Modern Toss have remedied this with such ferocity that you’ll soon be shouting expletives at your neighbor’s kids that you didn’t even know existed. Ladies and gentlemen, The Periodic Table of Swearing. Measuring about 16.5″ x 23.3″ It’s available for £90, which translates to about $135.

I wish I could list off all the great filth on this (it’s got all the hilarious Brit cusses that make no sense to Americans, like “prat” and “wank”), but StrangeDeals is a family site, sorta. So consider yourself warned: this ain’t your grandpa’s periodic table of swearing.

I myself don’t know all that much about ninjas and their crafty ways, but I learned quite a bit from the American Ninja trailer and this knowledgeable website, Real Ultimate Power. From what the expert at this site tells me, ninjas are all about getting pumped and totally flipping out.

Only available in New York via Cloud 9 Living, you can receive a 90-Minute Ninja Lesson from an instructor with the title of Shidoshi, “teacher of the warrior ways” from the Bujinkan Hombu Dojo in Japan, which was founded in 1980, the absolute peak of ninja activity throughout history. And they’re just $195 each!

We now know something else about these elusive assassins: they’re capitalists.

Simple, you put on this TV Hat. This can be hooked up to any video iPod, iPhone, or other video playing device to bring you the experience of watching video imagery inside of a beekeeper’s suit.

I’d explain it more, but just watch their awesome video. It’s got some of the hackiest, schmaltziest lines ever committed to a marketing script. It’s probably even better when you watch it inside TV Hat.

TV Hat is available for only $29.95. Shipping adds $7.95. Your personal sense of pride? That’s free to give away at any time.

Hollywood Guy A: We haven’t remade anything in a while.

Hollywood Guy B: C’mon! We’ve remade 75 movies in 2010 alone!

Hollywood Guy A: Let’s remake Goonies!

Hollywood Guy B: Changed my mind! Green light! Can we get McG to direct?

And…scene. Sorry everyone, but Hollywood is going to stomp all over your treasured childhood and adolescent memories any chance it gets. Like a hot knife through Scooby-Doo.

You can still show your devotion to the old school, however, with this cool Truffle Shuffle T-Shirt (Chunk’s head! On the inside!). It’s at Urban Outfitters for just $14.99, down from $24. Why did they reduce the price? I don’t know. Maybe because no one will want to be associated with The Goonies when Justin Bieber is playing Chunk.

But what if you don’t have a lover? Accepted establishment thought dictated that you shouldn’t go to Paris and drink a bunch of wine. But that’s all changing with The Disposable Wine Glass, Now With Wine.

This is either brilliant or absurd: it’s a plastic wine glass filled with the variety of your choosing, and then vacuum sealed. Like yogurt. Or a Jello cup. But with delicious, alcoholic wine!

Gaining apparent popularity in the London, where they have maintained Europe’s culinary dominance for centuries (or is that Paris again?), these little beauties are the brainchild of the small company Wine Innovations Ltd. The Tulip, as it’s called,  is currently selling in England at around £2.20 a glass. That’s about $3.40 American, which, depending on the quality of the vino, isn’t the worst price ever. They are not, however, available in the States yet. So continue spending your $3.40 on delicious malt liquor until we can finally get some goddamn culture in this country.