StSaling Rules

Check this out

2008-11-16T14:55:00.003-05:00

I'm coming out of hiding to tell you about how I kicked my hangover in the teeth this morning:

11:00 am
1 piece of burnt toast
1 cup of coffee with Kahlua

12:00 pm
1 cup of chicken broth*

1:00 pm
1 bowl of macaroni and tomato juice with SO MUCH salt and pepper (seriously, shut up about this until you try it, it's a family favorite)
1 glass of 7-UP

I feel like singing a spiritual.

*Marc had some chicken broth, too. He's feeling much better. Seriously, try the broth cure.

My mom is tired of this shit

2008-07-31T08:42:00.003-05:00

Re: that crabass old guy at the Tim Hortons my mom frequents:

"I don't want to have to slap that old man into his grave."

Pleasant

2008-07-15T13:40:00.001-05:00

"Doctor's office, this is Kathy."

"Hi, Kathy. I wondered if you help me track down my immunization records."

"Well...okay, but...YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE BECAUSE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING ELSE."

Free advice: then don't pick up the f'ing phone, dick.

Rasheed Wallace has Komodo dragons?!?!??!?!?!?!

2008-06-27T16:06:00.003-05:00

You might call this a breakdown in text communication.

Marc: shedd has komodos

Me: What? WHAT?

Marc: that's what mike told me

Me: i think there was a spelling error. did you say RASHEED WALLACE?

Marc: mike

Me: YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE

Marc: shedd aquarium

OH.

F those Komodo dragons, seriously.

2008-06-20T12:34:00.003-05:00

I hate Komodo dragons and I want you to hate them, too. Here are some facts that will probably make you lose control of your bowels:

-they can grow to 6.5-10 feet and 150 pounds
-they can live as long as 50 years
-they are carnivores and will pretty much eat whatever they can get, but usually monkeys, wild boars, goats, deer, horses, and water buffalo
-they can see as far away as 985 feet
-they can smell prey 2.5-6 miles away
-these little bastards will routinely attack their prey, then go sun themselves for a while, then go back and finish the job
-they can eat up to 80% of their body weight in one sitting and survive on as little as 12 meals in one year
-they will dig up and eat human bodies from shallow graves
-their saliva is lethal because of all the sick shit they eat -- so even if, say, a deer gets away, it's still LIGHTS OUT in no time
-they are capable of parthenogenesis oh my god
-they can fly and read our minds

Not so bad, though, right? WRONG. Story preview: those little shits bring a world of terror to the privates of one very unlucky water buffalo.

Bottom line is this: Komodo dragons are going to kill us all very soon. This is why I'm the founder of "People for the Extinction of Komodo Dragons" because you know what? I am not going to sit around while these things tear off testicles. I have to draw the line somewhere.

(So the best part of this story is that I started a Facebook group for this and a bunch of high school kids from South Carolina joined. I love those kids. No way would I let a Komodo dragon go down their throats and eat them from the inside.)

StSaling just got paid.

2008-06-17T21:00:00.001-05:00

My company is a Microsoft partner and I've received several lame-ass gifts in the past from them: clock/pen holder, pens, wireless mouse (FINE, that one was okay), t-shirts, bags. But they peaked today.

That's a real $20 bill. Hey, Microsoft, keep it coming, I have bills to pay. Actually, I'm kind of nervous to spend it. Maybe it isn't real. Maybe I'll get arrested when I use it to buy a burrito later tonight.

Can you handle this?

2008-06-06T23:38:00.003-05:00

Look, I know you don't care, but can't you just let me tell you this right now?

On the medium level of Guitar Hero 3, I've gotten 100% on the following songs:

Slow Ride
Talk Dirty to Me
Hit Me with Your Best Shot
Mississippi Queen
Sunshine of Your Love
Bulls on Parade
When You Were Young
Miss Murder
Kool Thing
Even Flow
Welcome to the Jungle
3's and 7's

And yeah, I know this means I should move up a level, but f off. Can't you give me this ONE THING?

Here's a story

2008-05-08T18:53:00.000-05:00

Did I ever tell you about the girl who told me she was going on "Depo-Primavera"? Well, there it is.

Do you want to really upset me?

2008-04-08T18:13:00.000-05:00

Okay, go like this: send me a document to proofread. Then later, send me the document again for a "final review" but make sure it doesn't include any of my original edits. It will be as though I never touched the document.

The beauty of this is I can't just send you the document with MY original changes because other people may have edited and I can't just overwrite them.

So. That's fun.

oh my god

2008-04-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

if someone else tells me they don't have the bandwidth for something i am going to cut my lungs out

Aw, Sparty.

2008-03-25T17:26:00.002-05:00

Let me show you the only good thing about Michigan State:

Go here and look at how cute Sparty is. Refresh the page a few times and look at all of his poses. That little confused Sparty (is there any other kind, though, let's be honest) shows up on every error page on msu.edu. And I love him.

Are you maybe interested in knowing what death tastes like?

2008-03-20T22:36:00.000-05:00

If you're ever entertaining the thought of trying a recipe out of Cosmopolitan, DO NOT.

I have no idea why I thought this would be okay.

roasted chicken with this sauce:
chopped white onion
chopped green olives
dijon mustard
lime juice

Maybe it was a joke recipe. Like, "Hey, guys, let's put this shit in here and see if any idiot tries it. Because who tries recipes out of COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE."

Maybe I'm on board now.

2008-03-19T23:56:00.000-05:00

You know the whole "I work hard so I play hard" thing? Well, whenever I think of the douchebag who says that kind of thing, I think of someone really into extreme sports. And that's it. Like the only way to play hard is to snowboard or wrestle a leopard.

Here's my thing -- can "play hard" mean drink a lot of beer and play Guitar Hero? Because I play *really* hard sometimes.

Mom, I know this is asking a lot of you, but stop texting.

2008-03-14T23:24:00.002-05:00

My mom has been having some text messaging issues, which I'm sure is killing her.

me: are your appointments scheduled for today?

mom: wyy

me: why? just wondering

mom: nalh

Then I got a call from her, explaining that she's still having problems and needs to call AT&T.

Then another text:

wrrre

I guess I just wonder why she keeps trying. It's like talking to a bullfrog.

Fun things

2008-03-12T20:10:00.000-05:00

I think it's fun to change my name to "Kwame Kilpatrick" in my mom's phone and then send her bad text messages. And have her get a little scared.

Dear Facebook: what gives?

2008-02-28T16:27:00.004-05:00

I don't understand why Facebook has to flash these ads in all my Scrabulous games against Marc:

Seriously, I never see that stupid ring in my games against anyone else. OKAY I GET IT, FACEBOOK. In your infinite creepiness, you have learned that I am almost 28 and only "in a relationship." Not engaged, not married. So not only do you throw what SEEMS TO BE AN ENGAGEMENT RING in my face, upon closer inspection, I realize you are peddling a PROMISE RING to me. Like, "Hey, there. Sorry to see that you aren't engaged or married. Have you considered a promise ring? Eh?"

It probably doesn't help that Marc's board looks like this:

Hey, it's Stacey Chigurh with her pumpkin pie haircut.

2008-02-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

Thought you might like to know that my hair looks like this right now:

Will only communicate via Facebook from now on

2008-02-08T23:31:00.000-05:00

Jonathan's apartment building had a major fire on Wednesday morning. By "major" I mean he has to find a new place to live, he hasn't been able to get back into his apartment to assess the damage, etc, etc. He's fine, but he has some work ahead of him with insurance claims and recovering whatever items he can. I'm gonna get this out of the way now: sorry, Jon, this really sucks and you know my family and I will help in whatever way we can.

Now.

I just want to say that I think it's really weird to offer condolences and support on someone’s Facebook wall.

I would say that maybe if you're kind of an acquaintance, it might be okay to post something. But, really, how about a personal message, at least? It’s just kind of bizarre to me. I guess it’s easier to make a quick post, but come ON, he was temporarily HOMELESS and potentially without any possessions. Don’t you have ONE MINUTE to send an email?

Look, that’s not to say that I would be unappreciative of the comments. I’m sure he’s very thankful for all the well wishes. But FACEBOOK?

Am I the only one who remembers this TERRIBLE VIDEO?

2008-02-07T18:14:00.000-05:00

Phil Collins - Something Happened On The Way To Heaven
Uploaded by jpdc11

I mean, WHAT IS UP WITH THE DOG?

What is wrong with me?

2008-01-31T23:52:00.001-05:00

Hi, guess how much I don't like these:

Guess how many times I've bought them:

Four

Guess how mad I am right now:

My rage blinds me

Dear boyfriends, past and current: I win. I always win.

2008-01-30T23:09:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears: crazy, gross

Mariah Carey: crazy, kind of weird

Scarlett Johansson: gross for a while, probably a liar, haha dude, still not so great as far as I'm concerned

Jessica Alba: eat it (it's unfortunate that I have nothing else, but I'll work with it)

NO MORE EMAILS PLEASE THANK YOU

2008-01-23T22:38:00.000-05:00

I tried to unsubscribe from some radio station's email list today. I clicked the link at the bottom of the message, which took me to a website that said:

You have been sent an e-mail confirming you wish to unsubscribe from this newsletter.

You must READ your e-mail and click the confirmation link in order to be removed from this list.

1) Excuse me? How about you just unsubscribe me instead of sending me ANOTHER email and then ordering me to READ it.

So I get the next email:

Dear Subscriber;
You are receiving this email because you or someone pretending to be you has requested that your email address be unsubscribed from one of our e-mail newsletter lists.

If you APPROVE this action and would like to be unsubscribed from this newsletter, you simply need to CLICK HERE or copy and paste the following link into your web browser:

If you DO NOT wish to be unsubscribed, or you feel you have received this email in error you may simply ignore and delete this email.

2) Seriously, why the urgency? It's not like I'm trying to cancel my checking account or health insurance and they want to MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS. I just don't want emails from your terrible radio station anymore.

So I clicked the link and received ANOTHER email:

Dear Subscriber;
You have now been unsubscribed from the following requested newsletter:

Main List

3) Well, it's about fucking time. Your ONE initial email irritated me enough to unsubscribe, so you send me TWO more to complete the process. I just can't get into this right now. I'm done. Oh, wait, I'm not. Next email:

Dear Subscriber;
You are receiving this email because you or someone pretending to be you has requested that your email address be unsubscribed from one of our e-mail newsletter lists.

If you APPROVE this action and would like to be unsubscribed from this newsletter, you simply need to CLICK HERE or copy and paste the following link into your web browser:

If you DO NOT wish to be unsubscribed, or you feel you have received this email in error you may simply ignore and delete this email.

4) I KIND OF WANT to click the link just so I can get even more enraged about this, but I'll refrain. I'm going to trust that I've been removed. But I'll have gmail eagle eyes for a while in case I get another message from them.

But the good news is that I got a totally unexpected $437 rebate check from my Liberty lease transaction and you know what I'm going to do? I don't know, actually. Maybe this is a sign that I really should have the iPhone my parents promised me and never delivered on Christmas. I need something fun, this money is burning a hole in my pocket.

Trade show fun

2008-01-22T21:11:00.000-05:00

All I've ever really wanted to do is order a martini bar for one of our trade shows. Also, I thought you'd all be interested in knowing that rental cost for a tiny, plastic wastebasket is $28.

I will celebrate MLK day by listening to Boz Scaggs who I always thought was black. Does that count?

2008-01-21T23:50:00.000-05:00

I don't understand how I can simultaneously love and loathe Boz Scaggs like I do. Because, look, I always thought he was black. When I found out he was a white dude, I felt betrayed and bewildered. Like someone yanked the rug out from under me. And so I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. But, dammit, he's like the SNEAKIEST SIREN OF MY LIFE with that voice and that sultry sound.

Witness:

I can't confirm or deny this, but maybe I watched his special yesterday for two hours.

Unforgivable and unacceptable

2008-01-21T22:17:00.000-05:00

Why is it that despite being the only car at Tim Hortons (everyone else is at home "celebrating" MLK day) you people manage to GET MY ORDER WRONG AND PUT FUCKING SUGAR IN MY COFFEE? You were waiting on NO ONE ELSE. Just me. And then, cashier lady, you're literally throwing my change and my coffee at me like, "OH, WE HAVE TO HURRY, THERE'S A HUGE LINE WAITING FOR US TO FUCK UP THEIR ORDERS." What's the rush? Quit throwing my shit at me.

I'm a reasonable woman, Tim Hortons. A simple woman. I don't get upset about much. But when I take a big drink of sweet coffee that conjures up mental images of "the milk from a goat warm with infection" (thanks, Mom), I desire one thing: bloodshed.