What have we learned, class? We’ve talked about how women need verbal affirmation concerning her appearance from their man more than anyone else. And we’ve also learned that sometimes when a woman shares her problems with her man, it’s not so he can solve them, but rather so they can be understood and heard. Remember that? Good… Today I want to dispel the “gold digger” notion (at least for the portion of the adult female population who are serious about being in a legitimate, healthy — notice the qualifiers there — relationships). So, fellas, here’s what you need to know…

She wants you more than the financial security you bring.

We men have a tendency to think that a woman’s desire for security means money. It doesn’t. Not by itself, anyway. Let me say that one again so you can process it: She wants you more than the financial security you bring.

What does that mean? It means that she wants you. (Duh!) With her. Forever. I don’t mean literally by her side, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. She wants to know that you’re not going anywhere, that you’re committed to her, to your relationship, and to your family (if you have one). And when she knows that, trust me, she’ll follow you through absolutely anything.

This is a prime area where men and women misunderstand each other. Men think, because they work hard at their job, and go to great lengths to provide money for the family that they have given their spouse a sense of security. And while that’s true to a certain extent, women find the money to be essentially worthless if their man isn’t there to share and enjoy it (this, of course, doesn’t apply to women who are in the relationship just for the money — this applies to women who genuinely love and care about their man).

Studies have shown that 70 percent of married women would rather endure financial struggles rather than struggles “arising from insecurity or lack of closeness in their relationship.” Men, do you know what that means? It means if she has you, she’s good. She’s set. She’s down for whatever may come. Now, that’s not to say that you can be lazy, jobless, and still believe she’s going to be secure. She wants you to provide for your family but not at the expense of your relationship.

Would you rather look back, five, ten, fifteen years from now, and wish that you had made more money, or that you spent more time developing a strong relationship with your lady? This becomes an even more daunting question if you have kids. There is nothing in this world more valuable than relationships — especially among your family.

Money is much easier to quantify, to measure, than love and emotional security. For men, being more logical, problem solving creatures, this proves to be a problem. There’s no real solution to your problem. I can’t tell you how women quantify emotional security — it’s one of those things you just know — but I can tell you how to build it.

Building emotional security is as easy as putting her first. Loving her. Caring about her. She needs to know and see that she is a priority — in fact, behind God, the number one priority — in your life. You have to spend quality time with her. Simply being in the same place does not count. Share your feelings, your emotions, your life with her, just as she does with you. Call, text, or email her randomly throughout the day to let her know you’re thinking about her. Remember all those things you did when you were wooing her, trying to get her attention? Don’t stop! Keep pursuing her once you’ve got her.

For this point, I highly recommend reading “The Five Love Languages” by Dr Gary Chapman. The basis of the book is that every person receives love in different ways — which he calls love languages. When you find which language(s) your woman understands, and you speak it, you will see a radical change in your relationship.

[Authors Note: The general framework for this piece is taken from “For Men Only” by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn. While I have given you my interpretation and application of a few chapters here, I highly recommend reading the book, as well as “For Women Only,” the ladies’ equivalent concerning men and their inner lives.]

Last week, in an attempt to help out every man in a relationship, I talked about how, despite what most men think, women are not that complicated. It’s simply a case of men not truly wanting to understand their lady. We also talked about  how she wants her feelings to be heard and understood, not solved. This week, we’ll deal with an issue that many, if not every, man has dealt with — women’s appearances. Men, here’s what you need to know:

She wants to know that you, more than anyone else, find her beautiful.

I have no doubt your woman is beautiful. But does she know that? When was the last time you told her so? She doesn’t keep up her appearance just to feel attractive to her girlfriends, or her coworkers, or the world at large. She wants to know that you, above all others, are attracted to her.

I know you think your woman is confident, secure, and has all kinds of “swagger” (forgive me for using that word, it just worked). But deep, deep down inside, she still longs for your approval. Don’t underestimate the influence you have on a woman’s self esteem — especially where her appearance is concerned.

The world in which we live puts an enormous amount of stress on women to conform to a certain image, a specific size and shape. And, let’s be honest, there are probably more women that don’t meet the culture’s beauty standard than there are those who do. Does that mean that most women are unacceptable, unattractive, or unwanted? Absolutely not! What it means is that your woman needs the affirmation that you, above everyone else, find her beautiful.

Let me tell you a story. The other day, my girlfriend and I were discussing a party that we’d be attending in a few days, and what we should wear. She pulled out a dress (that I had never seen her wear before) from her closet and said, “What about this one?” I, then, proceeded to say one of the dumbest things I have ever said, and, hopefully, will ever say in my life: “I do not like that dress at all! It’s hideous!”

While I was exaggerating— the dress was not really hideous; I just didn’t like it — she didn’t know that.

“Are you serious?” she replied, while looking at me with a mean side eye.

“Yes. What is that zipper doing there? Why does it stop at such a random place? I just don’t like it at all.” (You see the hole I’m digging myself into, right, guys?)

She puts the dress back  in her closet and we move on. A few days later, we’re driving in the car when she turns to me and says, “You know, the other day when you said my dress was hideous? That really hurt my feelings.” I had no idea.

“I’m so sorry, baby! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. What I said wasn’t directed towards you or your sense of style, I just didn’t like that particular dress. Or maybe it just looks better on that I imagine it does. I don’t know. My bad.”

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but it did,” she replied.

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t like it and you know I’m not one to hold my tongue. I appreciate you saying something about it — I never would have known.”

(She has since showed me the dress on, and I’ll admit I was wrong. It is definitely not hideous. We actually joke about my use of the word “hideous” from time to time.)

There are two things that you can learn from my horrible mistake. First, your opinion matters immensely to her! Second, don’t ever criticize what she is wearing. Period. She doesn’t care if your criticizing her earrings, dress, shoes or make-up — she will take your criticism as a direct reflection of herself, her beauty, and your attraction to her.

Your woman knows her body, flaws and all, very specifically. And for her, the flaws she has often seem larger than they really are (or maybe even larger than you may see them). That’s where your compliments and affirmations come into play. Your job is to undermine what the world sees as flaws and show her her true beauty.

If you compliment your lady and she is reluctant to take your compliments (i.e. You say, “Baby, you look nice tonight,” and she replies, “No, I don’t.”) that’s all the more reason for you to continue to sincerely compliment her. Her deflection or refusal of the compliments speak directly to where some of her insecurity lie. Keep reinforcing her beauty until she believes it more and more.

When it comes to complimenting women, sincerity is a must, specificity is a bonus. If the compliment isn’t sincere, it means nothing. Tell her you like her cheekbones, or the way her eyes look when she smiles, or how that dress compliments her skin tone. Specific compliments mean so much more than a general, “You look nice.”

Generally speaking, compliments about her butt and breasts are best left unsaid, unless done very tactfully. For example, saying, “Wow! I love how that dress shows off your shape; you are gorgeous.” is a good idea. Saying, “Nice rack!” is a horrible idea. Those are not the kind of specifics she’s looking for. In my experience, the best compliments you can give are on her smile or her eyes, but you have to determine what attracts you to her specifically and use that. Authenticity is paramount!

One more thing — she never, no, never, looks fine. I don’t mean fine as in, “That woman is fine.” I mean fine as “ok.” As in, “How do I look honey?” and you reply, “Oh, you look fine.” Saying she looks fine (or, for that matter, okay) may as well be saying that she looks horrible and should go change.

Gentlemen, I should also inform you of the 30 second rule (in case you’re not aware). Here’s the rule — you have 30 seconds from the time you first see her to compliment her. Past those 30 seconds, it seems forced, done out of obligation, and insincere. Of course, reaffirming how good she looks is not only suggested, but recommended.

Say you’re on a date. You pick her up and give her a compliment within the 30 second window. Good job. Later, during dinner or even dessert, compliment her again. “Baby, I know I already told you how much I loved your dress, but you really do look wonderful tonight.” Now, keep in mind that you can’t do this every time, but as long as it’s genuine and specific, she won’t mind.

If you’re a man, I’m sure you’ve thought about how complex women are. How they simply can’t be figured out. How they do the most bizarre things, for unknown reasons. (If you’re a woman, it’s likely you agree.) If you have, then you will find this next statement confusing and perplexing. Women are not as complicated as you think they are. They’re actually rather simple.

Before you brush me off as a lunatic, hear me out. The primary reason that men and women don’t understand one another is because they don’t take the time to truly try. Within that context, we have to understand that men’s and women’s brains simply process information differently. The exact same even could happen to a man and to a woman and you would likely have two entirely different responses. As such, we have to work to understand where the opposite sex is coming from.

In the next several posts (because this topic is simply too long for only one post), I’m specifically addressing the men out there who are in relationships — spouses, boyfriends, fiancees, etc. If you’re single and reading this, my hope is that you’d take note for the future. My goal here is to better help the men understand the women in their lives so they may more effectively care for them, love them, and grow into a deeper relationship with each other.

Before I start, let me give you a quick disclaimer: I will generalize most women in the following paragraphs. Yes, I understand that not all women want these things out of relationships, but it is more worthwhile to inform the gentlemen about the majority of women than the few for whom these things are not true. I’m not an expert with formal training of any sort — I’m simply an observer, and a learner. The following is what I have gleaned from my experiences and those of others, combined with the wisdom of professionals. (Once I finish this series, I will give you a few resources that will further your learning.)

Men, there are a few basic things that women want, and need, from their relationships with you, as their significant other. Without further ado, here is the first of three things women want:

She wants her feelings to be heard and understood, not solved.

Men, I understand that we naturally like to solve problems. It’s what we do. When your woman tells you about  a problem at work, or a problem with her mother, you instantly begin creating solutions, don’t you? (I know you do because I do it too.) Well, stop. Or at least stop telling her what those solutions are unless she asks you to. She doesn’t really care about them. What means more is that you listened to her and understand how she’s feeling, not that you’ve fixed the problem.

You may be asking yourself, “Why does she tell me all this stuff if she doesn’t want me to solve anything? This is a waste of my time.” It’s simple — she wants you to understand her feelings. Her sharing and your understanding brings you together on an emotional level (which is most important to her). She wants to tell you because she cares about you.

Don’t get it twisted — our logical, problem solving skills can still be utilized. In fact, she enjoys seeing you solve puzzles and problems; they just have to be on issues that don’t involve her emotions. Like the car making a weird sound. If she tells you, “Baby, my car made some kind of strange rattling sound today as I was driving home from work,” don’t ask her how that made her feel. Just get the problem fixed. If the problem is emotional, you listen; if it’s not, get it fixed.

If you’ve ever talked to your woman at the end of the day (or, heck, at any point in any day), you know that she’s got a lot to say (if she doesn’t, that’s a bad sign). It’s likely that a good portion of what she has to say concerns her emotions and how she was feelings while said events are going on. Of course, if you asked us, we’d give a one word answer that would frustrate her. But no, she’s different — she always has a lot to say. And while it might seem that most of what she has to say isn’t important to you, but it is very important to her. That’s why she’s sharing it with you — because she finds it important. She simply wants you to understand her problems; her perspective. With that said, it’s important that you listen.

Let her talk about anything and everything she desires (that includes you) and — here’s the key — listen to her. Focus on her. Make eye contact with her. Make her feel like she is the most important thing in your world at that moment. Turn off all the other distractions and pay attention. You can’t pay attention to her while you’re watching TV or texting someone on your phone. I don’t care if you think you can, she doesn’t see it that way. she wants you to devote and focus your attention on her for these few minutes.

(If, for some reason, you can’t give her that undivided attention at that moment, but, she wants to talk, it’s a good idea to say something like, “Baby, I understand you’re upset and I do want to listen to you, but I need about five minutes. Then, I’m all ears, ok?” Telling her that shows that you are interested in what she has to say, while also showing her that she’s important enough to give her your undivided attention).

One of the classes I’m taking this semester in school is an English course entitled, “Studies in Popular Culture.” I didn’t really even need to read the course description to know that it sounded like it was right up my alley. When I found out that 20% of our course grade would come from weekly blogs that we would right, I knew I was in the right place. Although I have started a new blog (per the professor’s request) — Eat. Blog. Eat. — which you can find here, I will be cross posting all the new entries here as well. Here’s the first of several. Enjoy.

While food is one of the basic essentials to all human life — indeed life in general — it is also so much more. Food is an incredible experience, especially when the right food is involved. In fact, I believe, if you can’t eat good food, what’s the purpose in eating at all?

Over the next few months, I’ll attempt to link popular culture and food together, hopefully in a intelligent, articulate, and thoughtful manner. Although this is a class assignment, and for a grade, I take no chance to talk about food for granted — you can ask anyone who knows me.

One of the greatest things about food is that it is meant to be shared. If you’ve ever eaten a meal alone, you know it’s just not the same. There’s no one to converse with, no one to dissect the deliciousness with, no one to get something different so you can test it out with , no one to moan with enjoyment with. It’s just not the same. At all.

One of the first ways I can think of where food and pop culture intersect is in their study. To study pop culture and to study food, in many ways, are to study very fluid things. They both change, grow, and progress in a myriad of ways. Chefs are constantly experimenting, trying new recipes and pushing the creative envelope. And pop culture changes about as often as the people who make it, love it, buy it, fuel it, and fund it, change their underwear. Perhaps not that quickly, but you get the picture — studying and loving food and pop culture requires a great degree of flexibility and adaptation.

The advantage of the fluidity we find in discussing both food and pop culture is that you never know what you might get on any given day. Writing about it (or, in your case, reading about it here) will be the same way. One day we might discuss how diets and cutting out certain types of foods from our diets reflects on our collective social identity, or we might debate whether or not food should be eaten for pleasure or strictly for purpose (you already know where I stand on that last question).

As you journey with me, on this discussion of food and pop culture, prepare for anything — especially the unexpected — and bring only two things. And open mind. And your appetite.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I should be a model, look like a model, always pose like a model, etc, I’d have… all of maybe $20. But, from time to time, when I’m needed, I can stand (or sit) in front of the camera and look decent doing so.

A friend weeks back a friend of mine, Joshua McNair, called me up and said he had an idea he needed my help with. He’s an up and coming (and very talented) photographer who specializes in lifestyle and wedding photography. He told me he wanted to do a lifestyle shoot in the theme of the AMC show Mad Men.

I’ve never seen the show, but I know from what I read and see online that the fashion is on point and, although it’s retro, it’s still relevant. “I’m down,” I told him. “Let’s make it happen.”

And so we did. The pictures below are the results. (You can click on the pictures to enlarge them.)

For more information on Josh and his photography, check out his website, and his Facebook page.

(All photographs are property of Joshua McNair Photography and may not be reused without written consent.)

It’s kind of cool to go to any website (that isn’t your own) and see your face plastered all over the front page. Such was the case today when I went to the site for J’Adore magazine.

The chance to do this interview arose several months ago (I can’t recall exactly when), and I was pretty geeked about it. It was my first “real” interview. To be perfectly honest, after doing it, I kinda forgot all about it until the author told me that it was published. I picked up the hard copy issue I was featured in last month, but the entire interview wasn’t published in the book. (You can, however, find it all online.) Being my own worst critic and considering that several months have passed since the interview took place, I would change the way I phrased a few things — in fact, I would change one answer altogether. (And I definitely would have given another picture, but I didn’t have the good ones taken at that time. WOMP!) But, overall, I’m really happy with the opportunity.

So if you get a chance to wander over to their site and check out the interview, I’d love to hear your thoughts and feedback!

Here’s the link — Stuart McDonald: Blogging with a Purpose

PS: I haven’t forgotten about you guys and my blog… And, really, I don’t have a good excuse as to why I haven’t written lately other than to say that I just haven’t felt “it.” Lots of things have definitely happened, both for me, personally, and in the collective world, but for some reason, the inspiration just hasn’t been there. So I’ll apologize and beg your forgiveness. I will be back soon! Promise.

The eight days I spent on the island of Haiti were truly incredible in every sense of the word. My heart broke countless times — not only for the country as a whole, but for the individual lives I saw and had an opportunity to impact in some small way.

Driving through downtown Port-au-Prince, my senses were overloaded. Every where I looked I saw scenes and pictures reminiscent of something on CNN in the days immediately following the quake. But here it was, in front of my own eyes, even more moving and powerful than I could have imagined.

Nothing truly prepares you to see and experience a third world country, let alone the poorest country in the western hemisphere after the most devastating natural disaster in the last few hundred years. My 2006 trip to Rwanda didn’t prepare me. Everything I’d seen on TV didn’t prepare me. All my imagination and mental images didn’t prepare me. Nothing prepares you for Haiti. Nothing.

After an incredible seven day experience (most of which I’m still processing and concocting into various other blogs — don’t worry, you’ll hear about them), it was time to come home. But I wasn’t ready to go. During the last three missions trips I’ve been on (Mexico, Rwanda, and the Philippines), there comes a point when you’re enjoying the work, yet, you’re ready to get back to the creature comforts of the states. That point never came in Haiti. I didn’t want to leave. And now that I’m home, I want — and can’t wait — to go back.

I left a piece of my heart in Haiti.

Driving through downtown Port-au-Prince Saturday morning on the way to the airport was truly bittersweet. Something about this country just wouldn’t let me leave. As I glanced out the window of the plane, through perfectly clear skies, I could see the desolated cities, as well as the infamous tent cities scattered across the countryside. Flying over the mountains, back toward Miami, I couldn’t help but marvel at the country’s beauty, wishing people could see those images instead of the more popular ones of poverty and destruction; I wish people could see Haiti for it’s beauty and magnificence.

My seven hour layover in Miami would allow me the chance to connect with a few friends for lunch. Although I was excited about the food and fellowship, I was overwhelmed by culture shock for the first time in my life. I’ve seen a lot of things in my time traveling; I’ve never had culture shock.

It began as we descended into Miami International Airport and I started to see the city from the air. It continued while we walked through the terminal, baggage claim and customs. It grew as we road the bus, on smooth roads, with minimal horn usage, towards South Beach.

Compare South Beach Miami to Port-au-Prince in any way, on any level, with any gauge, and you’ll find them on opposite ends of the spectrum. They are polar opposites. To go from one to the other in a matter of a few hours threw my mind, my senses, and my conscience into a tail spin.

I saw cars that, if sold today, could feed hundreds, perhaps thousands, of Haitians for a few months. I saw hotels whose rooms rented nightly for the monthly salary of some of the pimps we ministered to while in Haiti. I saw clean streets, completely intact buildings, beautiful cars, and people who appeared not to have a care or concern in the world. They had no idea what I had just seen.

Haiti isn’t some country, half way across the world, that takes nearly 24 hours to travel to. No, we’re talking about America’s backyard. A two hour flight from Miami. To know (and now have seen) that this kind of situation is so close and choose to do nothing is something my conscience and spirit cannot live with.

To say there is massive potential lying inside Haiti is an understatement. While Haiti has the capability to be so much greater, not only than what it is now, but than what most would believe it could ever be, there are countless changes — starting with leadership — that must take place. It’s entirely overwhelming, to say the least, to consider all those things. And because we understand progress isn’t made instantly, but rather over a long time, it’s easy for the frustration to fester and grow.

But worrying does no good — action does. Prayer does.

Just as I promised earlier this year, that I would make a trip there, I am now saying that I will be back again, likely in December (I have to finish Fall semester first). I would love to be back sooner, and if there is a way, I will make it happen. But at the very least, I shall see Haiti again before the year is out.

That means I need your help, not just for one more time, but from now until who knows when. I need you to partner with me, financially and spiritually, to help me fund these trips, and to pray for me and the team as we travel and become an extension of God’s hands and feet. You can find more details here, and feel free to contact me if you’d like to be a part of the trip, either in December, or any other time.

(NOTE: All photos used in this post are courtesy and property of Esther Julee Photography Inc. For more information and pictures from Haiti, check out her website and Facebook. Thanks for the beautiful shots!)

If you don’t know by now, I’ll be leaving on Saturday (July 17) to spend a week in Haiti. I’ll be traveling with a team from Victory World Church (who has taken about 8 or 9 trips thus far and been doing great things there) of 18-20.

As with any missions trip, prayer is a crucial part of the trips success; Haiti is no exception. And the prayer is not just for me, or to be left up to me and the team. Just as you’ve partnered with my financially, I need you to agree with the team and I in prayer. Please pray for:

Thank you so much for your support and prayers; it makes all the difference in the world. I will be updating my Twitter and Facebook periodically (as time and coverage allows) while I’m there so you can track along and look for more updates.

(I won’t be posting a blog during my trip, but I will do my best to journal so I can recap things for you upon my return.)

Have you ever said to yourself, “You know what? I’ve just got to get out of here, get away from all this, and do something different. I need to move!”?

In preparing for my summer travels, I said exactly that. Although I wasn’t planning a permanent move, only a vacation, I still felt that need to get away from the normalcy of my life and do something different. I just needed some kind of change. Little did I know what that change would really mean.

For me and my life, the month of May was full of more stress, drama, and issues than the previous four had been. I can’t even explain away any of it or say I was overreacting — those who know what happened, know how bananas it was. So, when I booked my tickets for Boston and Chicago one Saturday afternoon as I lay in my bed, I started laughing (or perhaps giggling, but that doesn’t sound as manly) with excitement. My escape was coming!

And then it came. I hopped on a plane, Boston bound, to see my dad for two weeks, and left all my cares in Atlanta. Yeah, right. I was definitely still mentally in Atlanta. There were money issues that had to be solved before my trip to Chicago, and money to be raised for my July trip to Haiti. My mind wasn’t on vacation even though my body was.

In my spare time, I began reading a book called Maximized Manhood by Edwin Louis Cole (an incredible book I absolutely recommend every man read). While there wasn’t one specific point that hit home for me (there were more like ten), I’ll never forget sitting at Au Bon Pain in Harvard Square, when I had this revelation:

Sometimes the very thing we try to get away from by moving geographically is something within ourselves.

Maybe you’ve moved to a new city (or maybe a new location within the same city) in hopes of breaking out of an old cycle, only to find that it “followed” you there. The problem is that it didn’t really follow you — you packed it up yourself and brought it with you.

(If you currently find yourself preparing to make a geographical move, perhaps this is a caution of sorts, and a cause for you to check your motives.)

In examining my life, I thought I could eliminate certain issues from my life just by leaving the city where the issue existed, when the reality was that the issues weren’t found in Atlanta, or in a particular relationship with someone, they were found in me. I had to work on myself first, before I tried to fix the other situations. Sure, some of the things (a lot of the things) that happened in May (and in the rest of my life) were not directly my fault or responsibility. But the way I responded to them and who I blamed for them was.

If we have a string of bad relationships or bad jobs or bad… anything, we have to consider the common denominator — ourselves. We are the only consistent thing in all those situations. But we don’t want to own up to that — we never do. It’s so much easier to blame external forces (men, women, the city, your parents, siblings, etc) but never look internally, where it’s likely that the real problem lies.

Cole writes:

“Men have the ultimate responsibility for their decisions. The essence of maturity is the acceptance of that responsibility. And maturity is the essence of manhood… Accepting responsibility for our failures is the substance on which success rests. No one can be responsible for success unless he is willing to accept responsibility for failure.”

That hit me hard. It’s easy to shift the blame for something onto someone else. But it was imperative that I understand what role I played in all of this, accept responsibility for it, learn from the mistakes (and especially the failures), and move on to become a better man.
In essence, my vacation, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, was a way of me just running away from my problems. Deep down I knew they’d be there when I got back, but I could concern myself with enough to forget about that for a few weeks. Or I could deal with myself first, and when time came to deal with the issues at hand, I’d be better prepared.

Don’t read this and think that I’ve got it all squared away, packed neatly into a bin and stored in the proper location. Every day I’m growing and understanding the role that I play in issues in my own life — and then taking responsibility for them. Because if I don’t deal with my issues, who will? No one. And they’ll continue to grow, fester, hurt and devour most everything they come in contact with. I can’t afford that. Can you?