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“Nice day out.” he said.
“Yes.” I agreed with a cheerful grin.

His brown eyes crinkled around the edges as he smiled. Most of the young romantic he’d been faded before I’d known him. His curly brown hair, the same color and texture as mine, had dwindled to reveal more of his shiny forehead. But when Charlie smiled, I could see a little of the man who had run away with my mother when she was 2 years older than I am now.

I ate my breakfast cheerily, Charlie called out a goodbye, I heard the cruiser pull out, I finished up in the kitchen, and hesitated to grab my rain jacket. Leaving it would be a mistake waiting to happen so I grabbed it and left the house. I didn’t bother looking at the time before I left but I guess it was early since I was of the first in school. The parking lot was pretty empty. I walked over to the rarely used picnic benches by the south side of the cafeteria. I used my jacket to sit on the damp bench. I was glad I had a use for it. I started to check on my Trig homework. There were a few problems I wasn’t quite sure of. Halfway through re-checking the problems I started to drift into a daydream. Without noticing what I was doing, I had drawn 5 pairs of dark eyes staring at me from my paper. I quickly erased them. I heard someone call me and guessed it would be Mike. The time I spent in my daydream was time enough for the school to get crowded with fellow students. The temperature couldn’t be over sixty and everyone was wearing T-shirts, a few brave souls like Mike were in shorts. He walked up to me waving his hand. I waved back and called out to him. It was impossible for me to fake a gloomy attitude with the sun shining so brightly. He sat next to me with a grin stretched across his face. I could tell he was delighted to see me.

“I never noticed before, your hair has red in it.” he mentioned while holding a loose strand of my hair in the light breeze.
“Only in the sun.” I replied as he tucked away the strand behind my ear. The gesture made me feel a little uneasy but I let it pass.
“Great day, isn’t it?”
“My kind of day.” I agreed.
“What did you do yesterday?”
“Mostly work on my essay.”
He hit his forehead. “Oh yeah, that’s due Thursday, right?”
“Umm, Wednesday I think.”
“Wednesday? That’s not good. What are you writing yours on?”
“Whether Shakespeare’s treatment of the female characters is misogynistic.”
He stared at me dumbfoundedly.

He said he would work on it tonight and that he was going to ask me out to dinner. I was shocked. Why can’t I have a conversation with Mike Newton without it getting awkward? For some reason I thought of Edward at that moment. I’m sure Mike did too but with contempt. I told him it wouldn’t be a good idea because it would hurt Jessica’s feelings. I threatened him to not repeat what I just confessed to him. At first he didn’t get it and then I asked him if he was blind. Anyone can tell she has a crush on Mike. He looked thoughtful and I used that moment to make my escape. I stuffed my books into my bag and we walked to building three in silence. I didn’t want to be late again and I hoped Mike would do the right thing.

When I saw Jessica in Trig she was ecstatic. She wanted me to go with her and Lauren and Angela to Port Angeles. They wanted to go dress shopping and Jess wanted me to tag along. I’m not much of a fan for shopping but I needed a girls night. Of course, the thought of Lauren also being in the group made me have second thoughts so I was indecisive. I told her I had to check with Charlie first. Jessica talked of nothing but the dance all through Trig and Spanish. When we got to the Cafeteria I was on high alert. I felt desperate to see the Cullens with my new found suspicions. I glanced at their usual table but it was empty. I had hope that I would spot Edward waiting for me at a table but alas, he was absent too. I even stopped pretending to listen to Jessica. Our usual table was almost full. We were five minutes late. I skipped the empty seat by Mike and favored the one next to Angela. Mike held out the chair for Jessica and her face lit up in response. I was glad. Angela asked me a few questions about the Macbeth paper and I answered as naturally as I could when I felt like I was falling into a pit of despair. She invited me to go with them to Port Angeles and I couldn’t say no to Angela. I would need a distraction. When I entered Biology I felt a new wave of disappointment. His seat was empty. The rest of the day flickered by. When I got to my last class I was relieved and horrified. Relieved because we got to sit and attend a lecture. Horrified because our next sport is Badminton. I foresee new injuries to my team and quite possibly myself.

I was glad to leave school. I thought I had something to look forward to but the moment I walked into the house, Jessica called to cancel our plans for tonight. Mike had asked her out for dinner. I tried my best to sound supportive but I don’t think I fooled anyone. I was too upset to be left alone with my thoughts. She rescheduled our shopping trip for tomorrow night. My night looked bleak. There was nothing to prepare for dinner since I already had fish marinating in the fridge. I forced myself to concentrate on my homework until I was done with that too. I checked my e-mail and wrote back to antsy Renée. I tried not to write many excuses for my virtual silence. But I wrote about today’s unexpected sunshine and I’m sure she’ll be happy about that. I liked the idea of soaking up the sun that I grabbed my Jane Austen Collection, a quilt, and headed out to the backyard. I folded the quilt in half and laid it on the grass. I started to read a few pages from the book but got angry that the male characters’ name reminded me too much of Edward Cullen. Edward, Edmund, etc. Were there no other names to choose from in that era? Like Victor or Raoul. I rolled over onto my back and closed my eyes. Next thing I knew I could hear Charlie’s cruiser pulling in. The sun was gone and the quilt was damp. I hurried into the house. I put some oil to heat up on the stove, realizing that dinner would be late. Charlie was hanging his gun belt as I apologized for dinner not being ready. I explained that I fell asleep outside. He told me not to worry, he was going to catch a score on TV. I sat with him after dinner. He knows I don’t like watching sports so he changed the channel to a mindless sitcom neither of us were enjoying. But we were happily sharing a family moment. During commercials I told him about the trip to Port Angeles with the girls.

“Jessica and Angela are going to look at dresses for the dance tomorrow night in Port Angeles and they wanted me to help them choose. Do you mind if I go with them?”
“Jessica Stanley?” he asked.
“And Angela Weber.” I added.
“But you’re not going to the dance right?” He was confused.
“No Dad. But I’m helping them find dresses. You know, giving them constructive criticism.” I wouldn’t need to explain this to a woman.
“Well, okay. It’s a school night though.”
“We’ll leave right after school so we can get back early. You’ll be okay for dinner, right?”
“Bells, I fed myself for 17 years before you got here.” he reminded me.
“I don’t know how you survived.” I muttered.

I worry for Charlie. I told him I would leave some things in the fridge for him to make sandwiches. I really don’t know who’s a worse cook. Charlie or Renée.

I found a recently fallen tree resting against a tree trunk, creating a sort of natural bench. I sat there to comtemplate. Anger and anguish drove me deep into the forest. My utter embarassment over the morning’s findings seemed less ridiculous in the green surroundings. The forest hasn’t changed much in thousands of years. The likeliness of mythical beings seems almost credible in the woods. But could Jacob’s story about the Cullens be true? My mind responds in negative. There is no rational explanation as to how I’m alive at this moment. Even as I go through all my observations over and over again in my head, I know that Edward isn’t human, he can’t be. Even if it is true that he’s a vampire, what am I going to do? I can’t share the secret with anyone or I’ll be commited to an asylum somewhere. I could take his advice and avoid him entirely but just thinking it seems like an impossibility. The only option left is to accept the facts and carry on with myself. Although he gave fair warning that he’s dangerous, he doesn’t seem sinister. Even in my dream I didn’t fear him for what he is, sharp teeth and everything. What might happen to him if the wolf hurt him weighed more than facing the vampire in him. His nature may be bloody but something in Jacob’s story makes sense, the Cullens claimed to be different. They hunt animals. Surely Edward can’t be the villain. He saved my life almost like it was second nature to him to protect humans. My resolve in the forest was less thorough but more contemplative. Looking back I’m quite pleased with myself. I also should never walk in so deep into the forest though; when I was walking back to the house I thought I was going the wrong way. I ran until I saw a clearing. I freaked out a bit but the crisis was over soon enough. As soon as I heard a car drive by and then saw the house, I relaxed and changed into more comfortable clothes. My jacket and jeans got wet from the rain but that’s such a normal thing here that I digress.

I worked on a paper I have due on Wednesday about Macbeth. I finished before 8 and Charlie arrived with fish. I made a mental note to find a recipe book in Seattle for cooking with fish. I can’t fry it all the time, it’s not healthy. The trip with Edward still gives me the chills but not the scary kind, it’s anxiousness. The walk with Jacob hasn’t made a difference in me. I can’t force myself to feel the right kind of reaction when it comes to Edward. Making decisions are hard for me but once I commit to it, I stick with the plan even if it causes despair. My decision to stay in Forks was better than wrestling with the alternatives. It’s becoming dangerously easy to keep my decisions. Now that I’ve banished my fear and ignorance, I don’t think I’ll have the same nightmare tonight.

Last night I listened to the Linkin Park CD over and over again until I fell asleep. I dreamed I was in La Push, I recognized the green light of the forest. I could hear the waves crashing and I knew that if I could find the ocean I would see the sun. I tried to follow the sound but Jacob Black was there, he was pulling me back to the darkest part of the forest.

“Jacob? What’s wrong?” I asked him. His face looked terrified. He yanked me with all his strength as I resisted. I didn’t want to go in the darkness.

“Run Bella, you have to run.” he whispered to me, frightened.

“This way, Bella!” Mike called out of the trees but I couldn’t see him.

“Why?” I asked. I was desperate to see the sun but Jacob wouldn’t let go. But then he yelped and let go of me, shaking and falling to the forest floor. He twitched on the ground as I watched in horror. I screamed for him and then he was gone. In his place was a red brown wolf with black eyes. The wolf pointed toward the shore, low growls coming from between his exposed fangs. From behind me I could hear Mike crying out “Bella, run!” I didn’t turn. I saw a light shining from the beach toward me. Then Edward stepped out from the trees, his skin faintly glowing. His eyes were a dangerous black. He held up a hand and beckoned me to come to him. The wolf suddenly growled. I took a step toward Edward and he smiled, his teeth were sharp and pointed.

“Trust me.” he purred.

When I took another step, the wolf launched himself to the space between me and the vampire. The wolf’s fangs aimed for the jugular and I screamed. I woke up in that moment. I knocked the CD player off the bed side table. The light was on and I was fully dressed, shoes and all. I knew I couldn’t go back to bed. It was 5:30am so I took a shower to finish waking up. I didn’t know if Charlie was asleep or had left already but my suspicions were confirmed when I looked out the window and saw that the cruiser was gone. I did something I never do: make the bed. It looked nice and tidy. I grabbed a bowl of cereal while the modem dialed. I chewed each bite slowly. When I got back from the kitchen after washing my bowl and spoon, I picked up the CD player from the floor and placed it on the center of my little table. I put away the head phones and turned on last night’s CD. I lowered the volume to the point that it was background noise. I decided to look up the word vampire in a search engine. There was a lot to sift through; movies, TV shows, RPGs, underground metal, gothic merchandise, etc. Eventually I found a promising site: Vampires A-Z. Two quotes greet the user on the home page:

Throughout the shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination, as the vampire, who is himself neither ghost nor demon, but yet who partakes the dark natures and possesses the mysterious and terrible qualities of both.

-Rev. Montague Summers

If there is in this world a well-attested account, it is that of vampires. Nothing is lacking: official reports, affidavits of well-known people, of surgeons, of priests, of magistrates; the judicial proof is most complete. And with all that, who is there who believes in vampires?

- Rousseau

I browsed the alphabetized lists and read the descriptions carefully. I tried to look for anything familiar or plausible. Only three entries really caught my attention: the Varacolaci, Nelapsi, and the Stregoni Benici.

Varacolaci

Area from/Nationality: Romanian Vampire that ranks among the most powerful of all the undead. It is said to have the ability to cause both lunar and solar eclipses. They may appear as pale humans with dry skin. They can travel on an astral thread, the midnight spinning, traveling as far as need as long as the thread remains unbroken.

Nelapsi

Area from/nationality: Slovak

Vampire, which can cause serious harm to the living. The Nelapsi is said to be able to massacre entire villages in a single visit. It also has the ability to kill with a single glance.

Stregoni Benefici

An Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.

I felt a relief that among the hundreds of entries, one claimed the existence of good vampires. But there were few entries that matched even one factor of my observations and Jacob’s description. And then there was the popular belief that vampires couldn’t come out in the daytime or they burn to a crisp. I feel aggravated. I’m sitting in my room researching vampires. Forks really is driving me insane.

I went to Newton’s Olympic Outfitters to meet up for the beach trip. It’s just north of town. Since I’ve never had the need to buy camping equipment I’d never stop there in normal circumstances. I recognized Mike’s Suburban and Tyler’s Sentra in the parking lot. I saw the group standing around the van. Eric and two other boys I had class with; Ben and Conner, Jess flanked by Angela and Lauren, three other girls; one of them I remember falling over yesterday, she gave me a dirty look and whispered something to Lauren as I got off my truck. At least Mike was happy to see me. Lauren eyed me scornfully.

“You came! And I said it would be sunny today, didn’t I?” Mike said with delight.
“I told you I was coming.” I reminded him.
“We’re just waiting for Lee and Samantha unless you invited someone.”
“Nope.” I lied. But I sorta wished for Edward to show up.

Mike offered shotgun and I could feel Jessica glowering. It was easy to make Mike happy but not both Mike and Jessica. Lee brought 2 people so every seat was necessary. I managed to squeeze Jessica between Mike and me in the front seat of the Suburban. She seemed appeased even when Mike wasn’t too graceful about it. La Push is only 15 miles from Forks. Dense green forest edge the road and the wide Quileute River snakes beneath it twice. I was glad I had window seat. I’d been to La Push many times with Charlie so the mile long crescent beach of La Push was familiar to me. The view is breathtaking. The water was dark gray, even in the sunlight, white-capped and heaving to the gray, rocky shore. The beach only has a thin border of sand and then spreads out into pebbles and rocks of different colors but look uniformly grey at a distance. Bleached driftwood trees scattered the tide line and forest fringe.

We made it to a ring of driftwood logs that by the look of it have been used many times before. There was a fire circle already in place. Eric and Ben gathered driftwood and built a pyramid shaped pile on the ashes of a past bonfire.

“Have you ever seen a driftwood fire?” Mike asked me.
“No.” I said as he lit the pile of driftwood with a lighted twig.
“You’ll like this then. Watch the colors.” He lit another branch and the flames licked the dry wood.
“It’s blue.” I said surprised.
“The salt does it. Pretty isn’t it?”

He lit another piece and sat by me. Jess was on his other side and claimed his attention. I watched the blue and green flames crackle towards the sky. When the boys wanted to hike towards the tidal pools I felt conflicted. I love the tide pools. When I was a child they were one of the only things I looked forward to when I had to come to Forks. But I also fell in them a lot, which is not a big deal when you’re 7 and with your dad. I remembered Edward’s request; that I not fall into the ocean. The girls stayed behind, Lauren had the wrong shoes for hiking, so I got up quietly to join the hiking group. Mike smiled when he saw me join them. The sky disappeared when we entered the woods, the murky and ominous green light seemed at odds with the light banter around me. I fell behind soon enough since I walked carefully, trying not to trip on roots or get hit by branches.

It wasn’t long before we reached the rocky shore where the shallow pools that never completely drained were teeming with life. I leaned over a bit to look into the ocean ponds. The others were fearless, jumping over them. I sat on the fringe of the largest pool and was amazed by the little aquarium below me. The rock I was sitting on looked and felt stable, I was sure I wasn’t going to fall. I got completely absorbed by the vibrant sea life but there was a part of my mind that was wondering what Edward was doing. I tried to imagine what he would say if he were there with me. We headed back when the boys got hungry. I tried to keep better time through the woods and naturally, I fell a few times. The damage was superficial, I scraped my hands and stained the knees of my jeans.

When we arrived to First Beach, the teenagers from the reservation had joined our group. Food and introductions were passed around. The youngest of the La Push kids noticed me when my name was called. That’s when I first noticed Jacob Black. I sat by Angela and ate a sandwich Mike gave me. It was peaceful sitting by Angela, she doesn’t feel the need to chat between silences. People started to drift away as they finished eating. It was getting darker, the ocean looked like liquid onyx. I was left alone on my driftwood bench as everyone else explored around. That seemed like a good opportunity for Jacob to take Angela’s place next to me. He looks about fourteen or fifteen, has long black glossy hair pulled back with a rubber band, and his skin is a beautiful silky russet color. My positive opinion of his looks was quickly marred by the first words that came out of his mouth.

“You’re Isabella Swan, aren’t you?” he asked.
It was the first day of school all over again. “Bella.” I sighed.
“I’m Jacob Black. You bought my dad’s truck.”

I recognized the name but not the face. He explained that he was the youngest and that I probably remembered his sisters. Rachel and Rebecca were often my company when Billy and Charlie went fishing together during my childhood summers in Forks. I wondered if I could recognize his sisters among the girls but Jacob informed me that one of them was in college and the other was married in Hawaii. The twins are only a little over a year older than me.

“So how do you like the truck?” he asked.
“I love it. It runs great.” I admitted.
“Yeah but it’s really slow. I was so relieved when Charlie bought it. My dad wouldn’t let me work on building another car when we had a perfectly good vehicle right there.”
“It’s not that slow.”
“Have you tried to go over sixty?”
“No.” I admitted.
“Good. Don’t.” he grinned.

In my truck’s defense I said it does great in a collision and he agreed. He was very easy to talk with. I asked him about his mechanical experience and I was impressed that he was building his own car out of spare parts. I didn’t know much but told him I’d keep an eye out for a part he was looking for. Lauren suddenly jumped in to ask questions. She’s so annoying and almost evil in her ways. When she asked about the Cullens, the tall man-boy said “The Cullens don’t come here.” to close the subject. I knew he meant something more when he said that. Lauren got distracted by Eric but I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said. Jacob asked me something about Forks driving me crazy yet and then I did the unthinkable: try to flirt with poor Jacob to pump him for information. I asked him to walk down the beach with me. I fluttered my eyelids the way girls do on TV and made small talk about his age and worked up to asking him about Sam, the one who spoke about the Cullens. Jacob confirmed my suspicion about Sam’s hidden meaning in his words. I asked him why but he’s not supposed to talk about it, it’s a Quileute thing. I did my best to seem alluring and he smiled, changing his mind and opening up.

“Do you like scary stories?” he asked.
“I love them.” I enthused.
A smile hovered on the edges of his lips. “Do you know any of our old stories, about where we came from? The Quileutes I mean.”
“Not really.”
“Well, there are a lot legends. Some of them claiming to date back to the flood. Supposedly the ancient Quileutes tied their canoes to the tops of the tallest trees on the mountain to survive like Noah and the ark. Another legend claimed that we descended from wolves and that the wolves are our brothers still. It’s against tribal law to kill them. Then there are the stories about the cold ones.”
“The cold ones?” I repeated, not faking my intrigue.
“Yes. There are stories of the cold ones as old as the wolf legends, and some much more recent.”

His story rang a bell in my brain. According to legend, Jacob’s great grandfather knew some of them and that he made the treaty that kept them off Quileute land. The cold ones are the natural enemy of the wolves that turn into men like his ancestors. When a pack of them came to their land and claimed to be different than the rest of their kind, the tribe elder, Jacob’s great grandfather, made the truce with them. If they promised to keep off Quileute land, the tribe wouldn’t expose them to the pale faces. Jacob winked when he said that last line. I was confused and tried to make sense of his story without being too obvious.

“There’s always a risk for humans to be around the cold ones, even if they’re civilized like this clan was. You never know when they might get too hungry to resist.” Jacob explained.
“What do you mean civilized?”
“They claimed they didn’t hunt humans. They supposedly were somehow able to prey on animals instead.”
“So how does it fit in with the Cullens? Are they like the cold ones your great grandfather met?”
“No. They are the same ones.”
He must have thought my expression was fear from his scary story.
“There are more of them now, a new female and a new male, but the rest are the same. In my great grandfather’s time they already knew of their leader, Carlisle. He’d been here and gone before your people had even arrived.”
“And what are they? What are the cold ones?” I finally asked.
“Blood drinkers. Your people call them vampires.”
I stared out at the rough surf.
“You’ve got goosebumps.” He chuckled.
“You’re a good storyteller.”

I had a lot to think about. I guess Jacob confused my critical anlyzing with being spooked by old legends. He violated the treaty by telling me the story and told me not to tell Charlie. I promised him that I wouldn’t tell a soul. Mike and Jessica caught up with us after a while.

“There you are Bella.” Mike called.
“Is that your boyfriend.” Jacob asked me. It was obvious Mike had a thing for me.
“No. Definitely not.” I whispered to him.
“So when I get my license…” Jacob mused.
“You should come see me in Forks. We can hang out sometime.” I told him with a tinge of guilt. I used him but he seems friendly. I like him.

Mike appraised him and was satisfied by Jacob’s obvious youth. It looked like it was going to rain so we had to pack up. I said my goodbyes to Jacob and told him I’d come back next time Charlie went to see Billy. His grin was huge. He seemed pleased and I was satisfied. When we got to the parking lot, a few drops began to fall. So much for the sun. I crawled into the backseat of the Suburban, giving up shotgun.

When I got home I told Charlie I had a lot of homework and that I didn’t want anything to eat. He was absorbed by a basketball game so he didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. I locked myself in my room and listened to a CD Phil had given me for Christmas. Linkin Park is one of his favourite bands. At first I thought it had too much bass and shrieking, but by the third time I had listened to the CD, I knew all the words to the choruses. I really like the band after all, once I got past the blaring noise. I’ll have to thank Phil. The music made it impossible for me think, therefore I completed my mission.

At home Charlie was excited about my trip to La Push in the morning. I think he felt guilty for leaving me home alone on the weekends. I never expected him to break his habits for me. He’s lived too many years alone. But he approved of our trip. He knew all the kid’s parents and quite possibly their great-grandparents. I wondered if he would approve of my trip to Seattle with Edward Cullen. He spoke of Dr. Cullen so well. But I wasn’t going to say anything. I did ask him about the place where Edward said he was camping. He sounded surprised and said that it wasn’t a good place for camping. “Too many bears. Most people go there in the hunting season.” I murmured something about getting the name wrong and went to my room. With not much else to do, the bed waits for me.

“How do you do that?” I asked him. I was angry and amazed all at once.
“Do what?” he asked while handing me the keys.
“Appear out of thin air.” I said bluntly.
“Bella, it’s not my fault if you’re exceptionally unobservant.” he said in his velvet voice.

I scowled at his gorgeously flawless face. I had to look down for a minute to reassemble my thoughts. Then I asked him about yesterday’s traffic jam, adding that I thought he was pretending I don’t exist instead of irritating me to death. He said he did it for Tyler’s benefit: “That was for Tyler’s sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance.” and then he snickered. I was furious. I couldn’t think of a worthy insult. I felt like the heat of my anger should’ve physically burned him right there on the spot but he was amused and declared he wasn’t pretending I didn’t exist. “So are you trying to irritate me to death since Tyler’s van didn’t do the job?” I saw the anger flash in his eyes, all signs of humor left his face. “Bella, you are utterly absurd.” he said coldly.

At that moment I wanted to hit something, this surprised me because I’m a non-violent person. I guess Edward brings out the worst in me. I turned my back to him and started to walk away. “Wait!” he called. I kept walking but he was next to me, keeping his pace the same as mine, sloshing through the rain. He apologized for being rude. I grumbled “Why won’t you leave me alone?” He wanted to ask me something.

“Do you have a multiple personality disorder?” I asked severely.
“You’re doing it again.” he said. “Fine then. What do you want to ask?”
“I was wondering if a week from Saturday, you know, the day of the spring dance –”
I interrupted him. “Are you trying to be funny?”
“Will you allow me to finish?” he asked, his face was wickedly amused. I clasped my hands together and interlocked fingers, this would prevent me from doing anything rash I thought to myself.
“I heard you say you were going to Seattle and I was wondering if you wanted a ride.”

That was unexpected. I wasn’t sure what he was getting at.

“Do you want a ride to Seattle?” he asked properly.
“With who?” I asked mystified. “My-self, ob-vi-ous-ly.” he answered as if he were talking to a mentally handicapped.
“Why?” I asked him, I was too stunned.
“Well, I was planning to go to Seattle in the next few weeks and to be honest, I’m not sure your truck can make it.”
“My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern.” I started to walk again but I was too surprised to maintain the same level of anger.
“But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?” he was walking right next to me again.
“I don’t see how that is any of your business.”
“The wasting of finite resources is everyone’s business.”
“Honestly Edward, I can’t keep up with you. I thought you didn’t want to be my friend.”
“I said it would better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.”
“Oh, thanks, now that’s all cleared up.”
“It would be more prudent for you not to be my friend, but I’m tired of staying away from you Bella.”

We were under the cafeteria roof, so I could look at his face a lot more easily. His eyes were a gloriously intense golden honey color, when he uttered the last sentence, his voice was smoldering. I forgot how to breathe. “Will you go with me to Seattle?” his voice still intense. I was utterly speechless. I nodded in response and he smiled briefly. His face turned serious and he said “You really should stay away from me.” he warned. “I’ll see you in class.” he said and walked away.

I made my way to English in a daze. I didn’t even realize that class had already started. Stupid Edward, making me late for class. “Thank you for joining us Miss Swan.” Mr. Mason said in a disparaging tone. I flushed and hurried to my seat. It wasn’t until class was over that I noticed Mike wasn’t in his usual seat next to me, but he and Eric met me at the door as usual so I guess I wasn’t completely unforgiven. Mike went back to his usual self while we walked, he talked about the weather report for this weekend. The beach trip he’s been planning might be possible but rain or no rain, it’ll still be in the high forties. The rest of the morning was a blur. I found it hard to believe that Edward’s conversation really took place. It seemed more probable that it was all my invention. That he seemed genuinely interested in me, might have been a day dream. When Jessica and I entered the cafeteria, I was frightened and anxious. I wanted to see if he had gone back to the cold and indifferent personna I’ve known for several weeks or if what happened this morning was real and he really did talk to me. Jessica babbled away about her plans for the spring dance. Lauren and Angela asked the other boys and they were all going together. That much I absorbed since I wasn’t paying attention to a word she said. A shock of dissapointment went through me when I saw only 4 of 5 Cullens at their usual table. I quickly lost my appetite and opted for a bottle of lemonade. Jessica babbled all through the line, I just wanted to sit down and sulk. “Edward Cullen is staring at you again. I wonder why he’s sitting alone today.” Jessica said, breaking through my abstraction with his name. I followed her gaze to see Edward staring at me from an empty table across the cafeteria from where he usually sat. When our eyes met he raised his index finger and motioned for me to join him, wearing his crooked smile I’ve grown to adore. As I stared in disbelief, he winked. “Does he mean you?” Jessica asked, insult and astonishment in her voice. “Maybe he needs help with his Biology homework.” I muttered for her benefit. I could feel her staring at me as I walked away. When I reached his table I stood behind the chair across from him, unsure of the situation. “Why don’t you sit with me today?” he asked, smiling. I sat down automatically and watched him with caution. I almost expected him to vanish in a poof of smoke. Someone that beautiful couldn’t possibly be real, much less want to sit with me. He waited for me to say something, he was still smiling.

“This is different.” I managed to say.
“Well… I decided as long as I was going to hell I might as well do it thoroughly.” he said in a rush.
I waited for him to say something that made more sense but the seconds passed. “You know I don’t have any idea what you mean.” I pointed out.
“I know.” he said smiling. “I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you.” he said, changing the subject.
“They’ll survive.” I could feel their stares burning the back of my head.
“I may not want to give you back though.” he said with a wicked face.
I gulped.
He laughed. “You look worried.” he said.
“No.” I said, but my voice broke. “Surprised actually, what brought all this on?”
“I told you, I got tired of staying away from you. So I’m giving up.” He was still smiling but his ocher eyes were very serious.
I was confused. “Giving up?” I repeated.
“Yes, giving up trying to be good. I’m just going to do what I want now and let the chips fall where they may.”
“You lost me again.” I said with a sigh.
His crooked smile appeared again. “I always say too much when I’m talking to you, that’s one of the problems.”
“Don’t worry about it, I don’t understand any of it.” I said wryly.
“I’m counting on that.”
“So, in plain English, are we friends now?”
“Friends.” he said dubious.
“Or not.” I muttered.
“Well we can try, I suppose. But I’m warning you now that I’m not a good friend you.”
Behind his smile the threat was real.
“You say that a lot.” I noted.
“Yes, because you’re not listening to me. I’m still waiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart you’ll avoid me.”
“I think you’ve made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too.” I narrowed my eyes at him and he smiled apologetically. “So as long as I’m being not smart, we’ll try to be friends?”
“That sounds about right.”
After we settled that I didn’t know what to do. I fiddled with my lemonade bottle.
“What are you thinking?” he asked curiously.
I looked deep into his eyes and got lost. “I’m trying to figure out what you are.” I blurted out.
His jaw tightened but he held his smile. “Are you having any luck with that?”
“Not really.” I admitted.
He chuckled. “What are your theories?”
There was no way I was going to expose my lame idea of comparing him to Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker.
“Won’t you tell me?” he tilted his head to one side with a shockingly tempting smile.
I shook my head. “Too embarassing.”
“That’s really frustrating you know.”
“No. I can’t imagine why that would be frustrating at all, just because someone refuses to tell you what they’re thinking, even if all the while they’re making cryptic little remarks, specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean, now why would that be frustrating?” He grimaced. “Or better, say that person also did a wide range of bizzare things, from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that either even after he promised. That also would also be very non-frustrating.”
“You’ve got a bit of a temper don’t you?”
“I don’t like double standards.” We stared at each other in silence. Edward looked over my shoulder and snickered. “What?”
“You’re boyfriend seems to think I’m being unpleasant to you, he’s debating whether or not he should come and break our fight.” he snickered again.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about but I’m sure you’re wrong anyway.” I said icyly.
“I’m not. I told you, most people are easy to read.”
“Except me of course.”
“Yes. Except for you. I wonder why that is.” His mood shifted to a brooding one.
I looked away from his intense eyes and took a swig of my lemonade.
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“No.” I wasn’t going to admit that my stomache was full of butterflies. “And you?”
“No.” he said, enjoying a private joke.

I asked him if he could do me a favor. He was suddenly wary but answered depends on what. I told him it wasn’t much. I wanted a warning before he decided to ignore me for my own good. He stifled a laugh but said that was reasonable enough. He wanted something in return though. He wanted one theory. I fought back saying that wasn’t fair but he promised he wouldn’t laugh. I told him he’s broken promises himself but he insisted. His ocher eyes were scorching with pleading. I was completely dazed and started stuttering. Just one theory he begged with his smoldering gaze. “Umm, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?” I answered. “Not very creative.” he said, disappointed. “That’s all I’ve got.” I said, miffed. “You’re not even close.” he teased. No spiders, no radioactivity, not affected by kryptonite. He wanted me to try harder. I really didn’t know what to think and then he said, “What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?”. “Oh. I see.” Several things he hinted fell into place. “Do you?” his face was severe as if he’d said too much. He was dangerous. He was trying to tell me that all along, but he wasn’t bad. “You’re wrong.” he said to my spoken thoughts. It was obvious that he meant what he said but I simply couldn’t believe it. Next thing I knew, the cafeteria was empty. I told him him we were going to be late for Biology but he said that sometimes it’s healthy to skip class. I wasn’t going to ruin my perfect attendace so I hurried, leaving him there looking miserable.

When I got to class Mike was looking at me slightly annoyed and Angela was awed. Mr. Banner meant to conduct a blood typing test today and that just didn’t sit well with me. He conducted the first example with Mike and my stomache started flipping. He announced that the Red Cross is having a blood drive this weekend and that we should all know our blood type. I couldn’t take it. I put my head down and could listen to everything that was happening around me. “Bella? Are you alright?” Mr. Banner sounded alarmed. I told him I already knew my blood type. Next thing I knew Mike was taking me to the nurse’s office. He towed me slowly across campus until we reached the cafeteria. I told him I needed to sit down and warned him to put his hand in his pocket. I slumped over on my side and let my cheek touch the freezing damp cement of the sidewalk, it felt pleasant. Mike said something about me looking green and then I heard a familiar voice calling me and asking if I was alright. I thought I was dreaming. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried my best not to throw up. He was there, worrying about me and Mike tried to explain that I fainted and that he tried to take me to the nurse’s office. “Bella? Can you hear me?” Edward’s voice was right next to me. “No. Go away.” I complained. I heard Edward tell Mike that he was going to take me to the nurse’s office and Mike tried to resist him but then the sidewalk disappeared under me. Edward had taken me in his arms effortlessly as if I weighed ten pounds. “Put me down.” I complained. I tried to hold off vomiting. He said I looked awful, I’m sure I did. Mike called behind us but Edward ignored him. “Put me down on the sidewalk.” I said. He simply carried me away, holding me with only his arms and he never flinched. “So you faint at the sight of blood.” he was amused. “And not even your own blood.” he continued. I shut my eyes again and got a hold on my nausea. When we made it to the office Edward explained that I had fainted in Biology. I lied down and I could feel the nausea fading. I could hear Edward’s chuckles as the nurse asked me if this happened a lot. Only sometimes, I admitted. The nurse told him he could go back to class but Edward expressed himself with such authority that he was told to stay, the nurse said nothing more with pursed lips. She left to get some ice for my head. I didn’t need it but I said nothing about it.

“You were right.” I moaned.
“I usually am, but about what in particular this time?” Edward asked.
“Ditching is healthy.”
“You scared me for a minute there. I thought Newton was dragging your dead body to bury it in the woods.” he sounded embarassed to confess his thoughts.
“Ha ha.” I kept my eyes closed but I felt better by the minute.
“Honestly, I’ve seen corpses with better color. I was concerned that I might have to avenge your murder.”
“Poor Mike. I’ll bet he’s mad.”
“He absolutely loathes me.” he said cheerfully.
“You can’t know that.” but then I wondered if maybe he could.
“I saw his face. I could tell.”

The queasiness went away, but I wasn’t sure if skipping lunch was a good idea. Maybe if I had eaten I would’ve hurled all over Edward so I guess everything happens for a reason. I asked him how he saw me by the cafeteria, since he was ditching. He gave me such a normal response that I was surprised to hear it. He was in his car listening to a CD. The nurse came in with a cold compress in her hand and put in on my forehead. She said I looked better and I told her I was fine. I sat up and everything was in its place. No dizziness and no desire to stay there any longer. She looked at me with disapproval but Ms. Cole informed her “We’ve got another one.”. I was more than happy to leave my place for someone else that needed it. Mike staggered through the door, supporting a sallow looking Lee Stephens, another boy from our Biology class. “Oh no.” said Edward and he told me to leave the nurse’s office quickly. I looked at him bewildered “Trust me, go.” he said. I darted to the front office and then he looked at me surprised. “You actually listened to me.” He was stunned. “I could smell the blood.” I told him, wrinkling my nose. He contradicted me by saying that people can’t smell blood. I told him the smell of rust and salt is what makes me sick. He stared at me with an unfathomable expression. Humans can smell blood but only in short distances. I looked it up. When Mike joined us he gave Edward the loathing expression and then looked at me with glum eyes.

“You look better.”
“Just keep your hand in your pocket.” I warned him again.
“It’s not bleeding anymore.” He muttered. “Are you going back to class?”
“Are you kidding? I’d just have to turn around and come back.”

Edward stood by the counter like a statue staring off into space. Mike asked me if I was going to the beach with him and the usual crew and gave me all the details, glaring at Edward to make sure he got the hint that he wasn’t invited. “I’ll be there.” I promised. “I’ll see you in Gym then.” Mike said. He looked sad when he left. I felt guilty that I would disappoint him in Gym. Edward could hear my negative muttering about going to Gym so he arranged with Ms. Cope my excuse due to health reasons and offered to drive me home. “Go sit down and look pale.” were his instructions to me. That was easy, I still had a sheen of sweat on my face from my dizzy episode so I rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes. After everything was settled with Ms. Cope he turned his back to her and asked “Can you walk or do you want me to carry you again?” his expression was sarcastic. “I’ll walk.” I assured him. He opened the door for me, his face a mockery. I asked him if he was going to the beach. I tried my best to invite him but it seemed more than obvious that wasn’t going to happen and when I wanted to drive myself home, he didn’t let me. He insisted that he had promised to take me home safely and that he wasn’t going to have it with me driving my truck. I calculated my chances to escape from him but they were pretty slim. He warned me that he would just drag me back if I tried. Alice would drive my truck home. So I got into the Volvo with whatever dignity I had left. He was listening to Claire de Lune. I commented on it. “You know Debussy?” he asked. I explained how Renée listened to classical music and that I only knew my favorites. He confessed it was one of his favorites too. I was glad we had something in common, it made things less out of balance between us. The rain blurred everything and he drove really fast but I didn’t notice it much, it was a smooth and even ride. He suddenly asked about my mother “What is your mother like?” he was studying me with curious eyes. “She’s a lot like me, but she’s prettier.” He raised his eyebrow. I explained I have too much Charlie in me. “She’s more outgoing than I am, and braver. She’s irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and a very unpredictable cook. She’s my best friend.” Talking about her made me depressed. I miss her so much. “How old are you Bella?” he looked frustrated again. I noticed he had stopped the car. I could barely see the house, the rain was too heavy. It was like the car was submerged under a river. “Seventeen.” I answered to his question. “You don’t seem seventeen.” It sounded like a reproach. I laughed and told him about how my mother used to say I was born 35 and get more middle aged every year. I scolded him by saying he didn’t look much like a junior in high school either. He made a face and changed the subject. “Why did your mother marry Phil?” that caught me off guard. I’m surprised he remembered his name. I only mentioned it once. It took me a moment to answer.

“My mother, she’s very young for her age. I think Phil makes her feel even younger. At any rate, she’s crazy about him.” I shook my head. The attraction is a mystery to me.
“Do you approve?” he asked.
“Does it matter?” I countered. “I want her to be happy and he is who she wants.”
“That’s very generous. I wonder…” he mused.
“What?”
“Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think?”
“I think so.” I stuttered. “But she’s the parent after all. It’s a little bit different.”
“No one too scary then.” he teased.
I grinned. “What do you mean by scary? Multiple facial piercings and extensive tattoos?”
“That’s one definition I suppose.” A smile played on his face.
“What’s your definition?” He ignored my question and asked another.

He asked me if I thought he could be scary. I told him the truth, that he could he scary if he wanted to. I remembered that first day in Biology when he gave me the chills by just looking at his intense coal black eyes. When he asked me if I was frightened of him at that moment his face turned very serious. I quickly said no and his smile brightened his face again. So many questions about my family that I had to ask about his family. It was surely much more interesting than mine. He was quickly uptight and cautious when I broached the subject. He confirmed he was adopted. His parents died a long time ago, he said it very matter of fact. He spoke so well of Dr. Cullen and his wife that it was plain how much Edward loves them. When I asked about his siblings he reminded me that he had to pick them up at school. I didn’t want to leave. I could’ve stayed there all afternoon just talking to him. When I asked him if I was going to see him tomorrow he told me was going out camping with Emmet. I tried to hide my misery but I failed, he smiled.

“Will you do something for me this weekend?” He turned to look me straight in the face, utilizing the full power of his burning golden eyes. I nodded helplessly. “Don’t be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So try not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, alright?” He smiled his crooked smile and I glared at him. “I’ll see what I can do.” I snapped back and jumped into the pouring rain. I could see him smiling as he drove away.

I rushed to the door and got in. First thing I did was take off my boots and then put my clothes in the washer. They were soaking wet. I got in the shower looking for warmth. My mind was spinning. After a long ritual of cleansing and getting dressed, I started on my homework. Macbeth just couldn’t grab my full attention. I listened for my truck. I thought that I could hear its roaring engine in the heavy rainfall but when I went to peek out the curtain again, it was suddenly there. Maybe I could get away with Charlie never knowing what happened but what are the odds? There are no secrets in Forks, yet Edward knew something I didn’t. He made it very clear.

Today I was surprised when Jessica wasn’t her usual self in Trig and Spanish. She was silent as we walked between classes and I was afraid to ask her why. If Mike turned her down, I’m the last person she’d tell. At lunch Jessica sat as far away from Mike at our usual table. She spoke mostly to Eric. Mike was unusually quiet. We didn’t speak while we walked to Biology, the uncomfortable look on his face was a bad sign. He didn’t broach the subject until I was in my seat. As always I could sense Edward close enough to touch yet distant as if he were a figment of my imagination.

“So, Jessica asked me to the Spring Dance.” Mike said, looking at the floor. “That’s great. You’ll have a lot of fun with Jessica.” I replied as bright and cheerful as possible. “Well, I told her I had to think about it.” He wallowed as he examined my smile. I’m sure it wasn’t the reaction he expected. I was relieved he didn’t give her an absolute no. “Why would you do that?” I asked him in disapproval. His face was bright red as he looked down again and after a pause he said that he was wondering if I was planning on asking him. A wave of guilt hit me. From the corner of my eye I saw Edward’s head tilting reflexively in my direction. So now I’m not invisible, I thought to myself. I told Mike that he should tell Jessica ‘yes’. Mike’s eyes flickered toward Edward. He asked me if I had already asked someone else. I guess that was a logical way of seeing things from a normal point of view. I assured him I didn’t ask anyone else, I simply wasn’t going. “Why not?” He demanded. His concern was genuine, unlike Jessica’s. I wasn’t going to explain the hazards that dancing presents for me so I made new plans on the spot. “I’m going to Seattle that Saturday.” I explained. I needed to get out of town anyway so it seemed like a perfect time to escape Forks. “Can’t you go some other weekend?” Poor Mike, he was almost pleading. All I could say was “Sorry, no. So you shouldn’t make Jess wait any longer, it’s rude.” “Yeah, you’re right.” he mumbled. He turned dejectedly towards his seat. and that was that. I let him down as pain free as I could manage. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to push the guilt and sympathy out of my head. I opened my eyes when Mr. Banner started talking. Edward stared at me curiously, that same frustrated look on his face as before even more distinct with his black eyes. I stared back in surprise, expecting him to quickly look away. Instead he carried his gaze with probing intensity into my eyes. I couldn’t look away, I felt paralyzed by his stare, when my hands started to shake Mr. Banner called on Edward. I have no idea what the question was but Edward answered without flinching. I looked down at my book when his eyes released me. I shifted my hair to hide my face. The rush of emotion that pulsed through me was pathetic. He ignored me for half a dozen weeks and there I was, letting him have an influence over me. I tried very hard not to be aware of him for the rest of the hour, but it was utterly impossible. The weeks of pretending he was invisible suddenly seemed like they never happened. When the bell rang at last, I turned to get my things, thinking Edward would flee as he always does. “Bella?” he called. His voice sounded so familar as if I’d known it all my life. I didn’t want to feel what I knew I would feel if I looked at his face so I turned slowly and unwillingly towards him, wary of what he would say. He didn’t say anything, his expression unreadable. I got angry and asked him “What? Are you speaking to me again?” My voice was petulant and icy. His lips twitched, fighting back a smile. “No, not really.” He admitted. I was gritting my teeth, I closed my eyes and breathed slowly. Keeping my eyes closed, I asked him “Then, what do you want, Edward?”. It felt easier to talk to him that way, avoiding his perfect face. “I’m sorry. I’m being very rude, I know but it’s better this way, really.” He sounded sincere but I couldn’t understand his words. I opened my eyes to look at him and his face was very serious. “I don’t know what you mean.” I told him with a guarded voice. It hurt me to look at him. His black eyes were warm but full of warning. “It’s better if we’re not friends, trust me.” he explained. My eyes narrowed, ‘gee I’ve never heard that before I’ thought to myself’. “It’s too bad you didn’t figure that out earlier, you could have saved yourself all this regret.” I hissed through my teeth. My words caught him off guard. He repeated the word regret and then asked “Regret for what?”. “For not just letting that stupid van squish me.” I blurted out. He stared at me in disbelief. “You think I regret saving your life?” He sounded almost mad. “I know you do.” I snapped back. “You don’t know anything.” he said. I don’t know who was more offended, me for being subject to his silence after the accident and thinking he regretted being a hero or him, outraged that I would think that he regretted saving my life and trying to keep me safe from his bad company. Charlie said the Cullen kids were good kids, why would Edward be an exception? He doesn’t seem dangerous. I wanted to hurl at him all sorts of accusations but I stopped myself. I turned to pick up my things and walked to the door. I meant to sweep dramatically out of the room but my foot failed me, causing my books to fall to the floor. I stood there, contemplating on leaving them behind. I sighed and bent to pick them up but he had already stacked them in a pile. He handed them to me, his face hard and emotionless. “Thank you.” I said, my voice as cold as ice. “Your welcome.” he retorted, eyes narrowed. I straightened myself up, turned away, and walked off to Gym without looking back.

Gym was terrible. We’ve moved on to basketball, a much more dynamic sport. My team never passed me the ball which is a good thing but I fell down a lot, taking people with me. I tried to concentrate on my feet but my mind could only think of Edward when I needed my balance the most. I was so relieved when Gym was over that I almost ran to my truck, I wanted to avoid running in with someone. I almost had a stroke when I saw a tall and dark figure against the side of my truck. Then I saw it was just Eric. I said hey. “Hi Bella.” he said. I wasn’t paying attention to the nervous edge in his voice while I was unlocking the door so his next words took me by surprise. He asked me to go to the spring dance with him. “I thought it was girl’s choice.” I said. “Well, yeah.” he admitted. Poor Eric, he looked ashamed. I recovered my composure and told him “Thank you for asking me but I’m going to Seattle that day.” “Oh, well, maybe next time.” he said sullenly. “Sure.” I agreed. I hope he doesn’t take it literally. Eric slouched off towards school. I heard a low chuckle and saw Edward walking past the front of my truck with his lips pressed together, looking straight forward. I yanked the door open and jumped inside the truck, slamming the door shut. I revved the engine into its usual thundrous roar and reversed out into the aisle. Edward was in his car two spaces down, sliding out smoothly in front me, cutting me off in the process. He stopped to wait for his siblings and all I could do was wait behind him. I considered taking out the rear of his shiny Volvo but there were too many witnesses. A line of cars began to form, Tyler Crowley right behind me. Tyler’s parents had to sell the van for parts, with that money they got him a used Sentra. My truck suffered minimal damage, the tail lights were replaced and some of the paint was peeled off but nothing worth touching up. The truck has seen better days. When I looked in my rear view mirror, I saw Tyler waving. I was too aggravated to acknowledge him. While I was sitting there looking at everything but at the car in front of me I heard a knock at the passenger window. It was Tyler. His car was still running behind me. I leaned across the cab to crank down the passenger window and got it half way down. I started to apologize for being in the way, that it was all Cullen’s fault and then he said he wanted to ask me something. I was mortified and then the words came out of his mouth “Will you ask me to the spring dance?”. Just what is it with boys in this town? I told him I wasn’t going to be in town. I was a little harsh but Mike and Eric used up all my patience for the day. Then he admitted that Mike had already told him. He explained himself by saying that he thought I was just letting Mike down easy. Valid point, but the same would apply to the Prince of England. I was irritated. I told him I was sorry and that I really was going out of town. Maybe I could’ve avoided all this if I just said I was a danger to everybody if I went because of my awkward balance issues. But Tyler left after saying “That’s cool. We still have prom.” Which I don’t have any plans to attend. Three suitors all in one day, it’s a good thing I never let my popularity here go to my head. It was easier going to school in Phoenix, I could fade in a crowd. When Tyler got back to his car I could still feel the shock on my face. I wanted to go home badly. I finally saw the Cullens slipping into the car and Edward eyed me from his rear view mirror. He was shaking with laughter as if he’d heard everything Tyler had said. My foot itched toward the gas pedal. ‘One little bump wouldn’t hurt any of them, just that glossy silver paint job.’ I thought to myself. I revved the engine and Edward did the same, speeding away. I drove home slowly, muttering to myself all the way.

When I got home I got started on dinner. I made chicken enchiladas. That kept my mind off things for a while. The phone rang while I was simmering the chilies and onions. I didn’t feel like answering but I didn’t know who was calling, the phone doesn’t have caller ID, it could’ve been Charlie or Renée. It was Jessica and she was jubilant. Mike caught her after school to accept her invitation. I’m glad he listened. I celebrated with her briefly while I stirred. I suggested to her with casual innocence that Angela could ask Eric and Lauren could ask Tyler, I had heard they were still available. Jess thought it was a great idea. Now that her date was confirmed she sounded sincere when she said that she wanted me to go the dance. I gave her my Seattle excuse. After I hung up I tried to concentrate on cooking dinner. I was especially careful dicing the chicken, last thing I needed was another trip to the hospital but I couldn’t think straight. My mind was clouded with Edward’s words. What did he mean by it’s better if we’re not friends? I tried to analyze the conversation. I came to the conclusion that he must know how absorbed I am by him and that he doesn’t want to lead me on because he’s not interested in me. The same thing I should do to Mike but I’m not that antisocial. I went through a short mental crisis trying to digest my new found discovery. Why would Edward be interested in me? I’m not interesting; he’s perfect, I’m clumsy, he can lift a van with one hand, I can make my team fall. I felt wretched. I started to fantasize about life after Forks. College and the sun, that’s my heaven to this purgatory.

The closest edible Mexican food is probably in Southern California so when Charlie came home and smelled the green peppers, he was suspicious. But he’s a brave man and took his first bite with no qualms. It’s fun watching him slowly trust me in the kitchen. I let him know I was planning to go to Seattle one week from Saturday. I found it funny when he asked me why, as if Forks has everything the world can offer. I told him I wanted to look at books and clothes. “That truck probably doesn’t get good gas mileage.” he said, echoing my thoughts. “I know, I’ll stop in Montesano and Olympia, and Tacoma if I have to.” I said reassuringly. Of course he asked me if I was going alone. Reasonable question. I said yes, truthfully. “Seattle is a big city, you could get lost.” he fretted. I reminded him that Phoenix is five times the size of Seattle and that I can read a map. I was horrified when he asked me if I wanted him to go with me so I told him I’d be mostly in dressing rooms all day, that immediately put him off. I can’t believe he asked me if I was going to be here in time for the dance. Only in a town this small does a father know when the high dances are. Of all people he should know I don’t dance. I didn’t get my balance problems from Renée. He let it go. We finished dinner in silence. Charlie went to sit in the couch after leaving his plate in the sink. I did the dishes and put away the leftovers. I told him Good Night on my way up. It’s been such a long day. Something tells me I won’t be having the same dream tonight.

It’s been a dreary routine, one I feel I can’t get used to, the only exception to the routine was this month’s Hallmark holiday. Renée sent me a hand made Valentine’s day card. She’s taking Calligraphy, another one of those things that spark her attention for a little while until she moves on to something else. At school Eric handed a deep red rose like burgundy to every girl in our class and Tyler gave me a small box of chocolates. Mike gave Jessica, Angela, and me, heart shaped lollipops, and I received a few carnations at lunch. I think I saw Edward glance towards me but it could’ve been my imagination, I saw that his eyes have lost its golden hues and are now onyx. In Biology he was as non-existing as ever. I don’t bother greeting him if he fails to acknowledge me. I keep my distance and hide my curiousity behind a mask of indifference.

Charlie thinks I have a thing for Mike Newton. I’m sure his dad has spoken to Charlie and something was revealed about Mike’s feelings. He’s a really nice guy and all but I have nothing to give back. I’m like a cactus taken away from the desert and relocated to a forest. I don’t belong. Then again, I don’t think I belong anywhere.