Camel milk has incredible nutritional and healing properties, so much so that many wars have started over disputed camel flocks and access to their milk. In the last 75 years, control over this “liquid white gold” has so far provoked three cross-border conflicts and eight civil wars, all involving Somalia, Kenya, Djibouti and/or Ethiopia.

As if the camel milk market wasn’t dangerous enough, the whole process is further complicated by the fact that camels really hate being milked. Even if you raise a camel from birth — earning its respect and perhaps even its love — milking that same camel will still be incredibly complicated and never short of risk.

Learning how to milk a camel, therefore, is a skill that takes time to perfect.

Why Do Camels Hate Being Milked?

Camels hate being milked because it tickles. It tickles so much that a mother camel with newly-born offspring will often bite, kick, stamp-upon and head-butt its own babies as they wean, sometimes killing them.

Camels can also produce a face-burning stomach acid that they can spit out at anyone who annoys them, especially anyone who goes anywhere near their leathery but highly sensitive teats. This acidic spit, which can be ejected with force over distances of up to 13 meters, can burn through bone, glass, aluminum and rock, making it very dangerous indeed.

Traditional Methods for Milking Camels

Due to the peculiarities of a camelid’s bodily systems, camels – like llamas and alpacas in Peru – cannot be milked while completely tranquilized and they must be milked while standing. This further complicates the camel milking process.

Most of the traditional camel milking methods used today were developed in Ancient Egypt. These include:

Intoxication – Camels are sedated using alcohol or marijuana. Once pacified, the women with the smallest hands gently milk them. The camel must be kept in a perfect state of tranquility: too much alcohol and it will become aggressive; too much ganja and her udders go into a state of super relaxation and become non-functional. In most countries, camel milk obtained through intoxication cannot be fed to children of 5 years or younger. Prime ganja milk, however, is highly sought after by Somali pirates, depressed prostitutes and Aboriginal Australian teens.

Seduction – Hundreds of years ago, lonely Egyptian Bedouins realized that female camels barely even noticed their ticklish udders being touched while they were engaged in sexual intercourse. This surprising discovery allowed dairy farmers to milk their camels with little risk, as long as the camel was having sex with another camel — or was being tricked into thinking it was having sex with another camel. The farmers developed various methods of stimulating the camels, some less imaginative than others. Today, most large-scale camel dairy farms utilize steam or diesel powered dildos, called العصي الجنس الإبل الكبيرة (literally “big camel sex sticks”) to distract their camels during the camel milking process.

Slave milkers – Slaves are an affordable commodity to many camel farmers, and are often used to milk the camels. Many slaves are trampled to death or have their faces melted off buy acidic camel spit. But slaves are easy to replace and not too expensive, so many farmers prefer them to heavy dildo machinery and other camel-milking methods.

The Achaban Method – The Achaban Method is a popular method that uses small but extremely fast children who run beneath the camel, quickly tugging on a teat before scurrying clear of the tickled beast of burden. The milk squirts into a small steel bathtub beneath the camel; the collection tub is securely fixed to the ground or safely wedged into the hot desert sand. If a child becomes highly skilled at extracting milk via the Achaban Method, he can become quite rich. Of course, the child needs to earn as much money as possible in a short period of time, as he or she will normally grow too large for the job by the age of 11 or 12. Life expectancy is also very low among child milkers. Some failed camel jockeys – tiny men in their mid-thirties – have no choice but to become camel milkers. This is seen as the ultimate shame for a camel jockey.

Kites were first invented in China, which is a shame. All the way back in 200 B.C., little Chinamen were building and flying kick-ass kites, way before anyone else. Now, people fly kites across most of the entire world and the whole globe, apart from in Saudi Arabia and North Korea, where kites are banned.

If you want to build a kite, here are all of the recognized kite designs recognized by the United States of America. If a kite design is not recognized by the United States of America, it’s probably best not to build it.

Despite the title of this article being “Different Types of Kites and How to Make Them,” I actually have no fucking idea how to make any of them. But I can tell you what kinds of types there are in the world, and then you can build one. Google it.

Barn Door Kite

Barn door kites are shit. Really shit. They are large and kind of rectangular and about as maneuverable as your mother’s fat thighs. Extremely big barn door kites can fly without the need of a tail in light to moderate winds. But flying an extremely big barn door kite is about as much fun as dragging a dead cow through thick mud.

Diamond Kite

If you were born in the 1850s, you probably flew a diamond kite before you died of the plague or whatever. This flat, diamond-shaped piece of shit is what children flew in World War I after eating their rations, and only if they didn’t have a metal hoop to play with instead. Metal hoops were way more fun. The simple design makes it a good kite for six-year-old girls, retards, and the offspring of incestuous relationships. The diamond kite is sometimes known as a two-stick kite due to the construction of its frame and the fact that it’s a two-stick piece of shit.

Dopero Kite

The dopero kite has two wings and no tail. Wow. You know what this kite was designed for? Taking photos. Taking fucking photos! Yeah, it’s stable and can fly in super-light winds and can carry a camera rig, but what the shit? Haven’t you people heard of drones? Goddamn troglodytes. Flying a dopero is like flying a fat kid’s fucking skin.

Delta Kite

The delta kite is one of the best kites you can make. Sometimes called a stunt kite, the delta kite is designed for speed and maneuverability. If you know what you’re doing, which you probably don’t, you can add a keel to your delta kite to improve stability. Fly it using two strings if you’re a fucking weakling, or four strings if you’re a serious sport-kite enthusiast who knows his shit, like me.

Roller Kite

The roller kite is basically the same as the rokkaku kite (see below) but isn’t so damn Asian. Unlike the rokkaku, roller kites have vents and fins that give the roller better stability than the rok. It’s kind of like NASA compared to JAXA (the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency). I mean, who would you rather sent you into space? NASA or a bunch of foreigners whose acronym doesn’t even work?

Sled Kite

Sled kites can be flown without a supporting frame, unlike most other kites. Wind pressure basically allows the kite to maintain its shape, just like a parachute. Jesus, that’s the most boring way to fly a kite. It’s like having a girlfriend who has no bones, she’s just muscle, skin and fat, and you have to drag her along real quick to make her fill with air so she looks almost normal. Fuck that.

Fighter Kite

Of all the different types of kites around the world, fighter kites are the most badass kind of kites. They are used by pimps, gangsters and child drug mules. You’ll often see fighter kites flying over cities in India, Japan and Brazil, depending on how often you actually go to cities in India, Japan and Brazil. If you rarely or never go to cities in India, Japan and Brazil, then you won’t see them often, if at all. Fighter kites are small and nimble, kind of like kittens, circus midgets and court dwarfs. These kites are controlled by line tension, so they fly in circles when the line is relaxed but fly off in a straight line when you apply pressure. The kites are used as signaling tools in drug dealing neighborhoods like those in Rio de Janeiro. They are also used in traditional kite fights (hence the name), in which ground-up glass is attached to the upper part of the kite string. You win the fight by cutting your opponent’s string, or cutting his head off.

Should God be allowed in public schools, or should He be kept out due to certain factors such as the separation of church and state and the religious preferences of teachers, children, and the parents of children? It’s an often fierce debate, but we are here to consider the issue.

Does God Belong in Public Schools?

Realistically, and in terms of basic rights, God should be allowed in public schools. As long as he’s not armed, drunk, or on drugs, then He should be let in just like any regular citizen.

But God must abide by the rules set out for all visitors to the public school, be they students, parents or otherwise.

If the public school requires students and other visitors to pass through a metal detector, then God should not be an exception. If God is too big to fit through the metal detector, then He should be strip-searched or forced to magically reduce His size in order to pass through the machine.

God should not be allowed to enter a public school with a weapon, be it a knife, truncheon, spear, chariot or handgun, as this could pose a threat to students and teachers, especially if God turns up drunk, under the influence of drugs, or just in a foul mood.

God, Public Schools and Parent-Teacher Meetings

If Jesus returns one day, he might come back in the form of a little baby, as he did back in the days of the Three Wise Men and all that stuff. Jesus will then grow up to be a teenager and he will need to go to school. He’ll probably go to an expensive private school, but maybe God will be altruistic and send Jesus to a shitty public school, maybe in Detroit, where he can mix with regular Godless people in need of divine inspiration and/or healing.

In this case, God might need to attend parent-teacher meetings and other school conferences — unless he passes the buck again and finds a Joseph-figure to pick up the slack with the whole fathership thing. But if he takes a bit more responsibility this time around, he’ll need to go to the school occasionally.

Running a Background Check on God

The public school might have to run some kind of background check on God, because he’s not exactly a regular guy. And, more importantly, he’s not a U.S. citizen.

There will likely be some leeway in this matter, but it has to be done. After all, God does have a tendency to punish thousands if not millions of people, often resulting in mass fatalities. It would be irresponsible to let him just wander in without at least a cursory background check.

God and Public School Dress Regulations

Most public schools have certain standards when it comes to dress. Old bearded men wearing nothing but loosely flowing robes and sandals are not allowed in most schools, even if they are omniscient and omnipotent. In the case of God, as with most robbed men who forgo underwear, the risk of exposing genitalia, whether by accident or on purpose, is too great.

God, therefore, should at least put on some appropriate pants and a shirt. The sandals might be OK, especially in warmer climates and in California.

Should God Be Allowed in Public Schools? In Conclusion:

In conclusion, God should be allowed in public schools as long as He follows the appropriate rules and doesn’t cause any strife. As long as He doesn’t start going off on some kind of religious rant, or shooting thunderbolts at gay kids, it should be OK.

But if He starts kicking off, any responsible public school should call the appropriate authorities immediately, and have Him removed.

Transcript of federal agency proposals for the ongoing government Chemtrail Program (14:03; June 27, 2017)

Committee Spokesperson:

Mr. President, following the initial Committee meeting of February 11 regarding our ongoing government Chemtrail program, representatives from various governmental departments will today present content options for the High Altitude Release Program (HARP). The Committee considers some deliverables as more viable than others. The Committee as a whole considers it befitting to consider the national mood prior to choosing our final three deliverables.

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USAF Representative:

Mr. President, the United States Air Force proposes dropping tiny notes bearing positive messages for this term’s Chemtrail program. The tiny notes will be handwritten on biodegradable paper, using non-toxic squid ink. The USAF believes that spreading positivity will be a pretty big deal in the next few years, given the current climate, if you believe in the current climate, Sir.

NASA Representative:

Mr. President, after careful consideration, NASA recommends a four-year Chemtrail program that rotates the following three deliverables: glitter; whisky rain; and lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD). NASA presents these three options based on a survey of NASA employees at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory near Pasadena, California and at the Deep Space Network station in Barstow, California. As a side note, Mr. President, we still maintain that searching for the Ark is not the best use of our entire satellite array, despite the honest intentions of Dr. Carson.

National Weather Service Representative:

Mr. President, the National Weather Service has proposed an intense high altitude spraying of Skittles across the most depressed and downtrodden areas of the United States. The National Weather Service has proposed this same deliverable every year since 1984, arguing that “every American deserves to taste the rainbow of fruit flavors.” As always, the National Weather Service requests that lime-flavored Skittles should not be replaced by green apple. Original Tropical and Wild Berry flavors are permitted. And as we are all now aware, this release program will benefit both humans and livestock.

CIA Representative:

Mr. President, the Central Intelligence Agency proposes a massive Chemtrail project across the entire country with a single “blanket deliverable” that will benefit everyone: nasturtium seeds. This proposal stems directly and solely from the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, whom I quote: “Those fuckers [nasturtium seeds] grow anywhere and you can put them in salads, flower and all.” If nasturtium seeds are not approved, the Director suggested, in an unofficial addendum after the two-minute meeting, dropping clothes pegs, as, and I quote: “You can never have enough fucking clothes pegs.” The Director of the CIA kindly requests that, and I quote, “If he [that’s you, sir] has a problem with nasturtium seeds or clothes pegs, he can shove them both up his flabby old ass.”

EPA Representative:

Mr. President, before submitting our proposal, the Environmental Protection Agency once again asks for our funding to be returned to last year’s levels. $10,000 per annum is simply not enough for the EPA to function correctly, if at all. As for the Chemtrails, which as you know we are not in favor of, we suggest diverting funding away from the Chemtrail project in order to focus more on renewable energy and cleaner aircraft. But we did survey 2,792 EPA workers, asking “What can we drop onto America to most benefit the nation during the next four years?” The most popular answer, at 59%, was “Hope.” That was followed, at 22%, by “Truth.”

Flexit — Inspired by other European exits, the Flemish people, or Flemings, will decide to take Flanders out of Belgium and Europe and the World, with the intention of forming an independent country that won’t officially exist. This, it is believed, will make life and everything else much easier, all things considered.

Bangladexit — Bangladesh doesn’t want to go anywhere, but is slowly being squeezed out of place by the sheer physical pressure of India to the west and Myanmar to the east. At some point, the entire nation will pop out into the Bay of Bengal like a newborn baby, drifting slowly through the Indian Ocean until it gently nestles up against the icy wastelands of Antarctica.

Holy Sexit — Finally accepting that nobody will ever really see the Holy See as an independent sovereign entity (especially since , the Holy See is likely to leave Rome and wherever the hell else it resides. Each Holy See property will be carried on the backs of dutiful Catholic choirboys. The Holy Sexit will only end when all of the territories, including both extraterritorial and non-extraterritorial properties, have been gathered together in a nice warm place with a good climate for growing grapes, figs and olives, where they will be dropped gently to the earth to rest in blessed sanctity until the Last Days. Anti-sodomy laws will remain in place, but will continue to be ignored in certain special cases.

Mexit — Mexico will use the cover of The Great Border Wall to secretly dig a giant trench along its northern border. This trench will descend for many leagues down into the Earth’s crust, perhaps into the mantle, and perhaps as far as the molten hell that is the Earth’s core. Whatever it takes, really. The trench will separate Mexico entirely from the United States of America. Frankly, Mexicans are just sick of all these damn Americans coming into their country. It’s embarrassing.

Chilexit — Tired of living in such an embarrassingly long and narrow country, Chile is likely to be chopped up like a chorizo sausage to form eight entirely independent nation states. Chileans rightly assume that such a separation will be less ridiculous than living in a country that’s 2,670 miles long and only half a mile wide.

Wexrexit — The Welsh, unhappy with Brexit, will demand a Great Welsh Re-Exit, or Wexrexit, in which they simultaneously leave Great Britain to rejoin Europe in order to exit Europe (Wexit) on their own damned terms. Considering how long Brexit could take, political analysts believe the entire Wexrexit-Wexit plan could take at least 530 years.

Mooxit — The Moon, breaking with classic exit portmanteau trends due to the lack of an “E” in its name, will consider its options and decide to fuck off to Mars because, quite frankly, it has seen enough of Earth already.

With the foundation of the second Ku Klux Klan in 1915, members of the KKK began to use a formalized vocabulary and a nationwide systems of secret code words. Many of these were recorded in the Kloran, the first official handbook of the Ku Klux Klan.

The Kloran was written by William J. Simmons in 1915, shortly after Simmons had declared himself the Imperial Wizard of the Invisible Empire of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. He did all this shortly after being hit by a car, presumably in the head.

All of the following words are still in use by Klan members in the United States. Most of the words are taught vocally by one Klansman to another, as most Klansmen cannot read.

Code Words of the Ku Klux Klan

• K.I.G.Y (Kigy) – “Klansman, I greet you”

• A.Y.A.K. (Ayak?) – “Are you a Klansman?” (this is answered with Akia – “A Klansman I am” – by other members

• S.A.N.B.O.G. (Sanbog!) – “Strangers are near, be on guard” (the classic warning between Klansmen, not to be taken lightly)

• D.R.Y.H.U.M.P.S. (Dryhumps!) – “Don’t remove your hood until my pointy signal” (in order to maintain anonymity, a Klansman will warn another when it is safe or unsafe to remove his hood. A “pointy signal” with the index finger signals that the hood can now be removed)

• I.C.S.Y.U.T.Y.R. (Icsyutyr) – “I can see your underwear through your robe”

• B.O.M. (Bom?) – “Bud or Miller?”

• D.Y.K.T.A.S.K (Dyktask?) – “Do you know the ancient secret kodes?” (the correct answer to this is Yiktask – “Yes I know the secret ancient kodes”)

• M.A.G.A. (Maga!) – “Make America Great Again!” (A non-traditional but popular greeting among Donald Trump-supporting Klansmen, which is pretty much all of them)

• T.I.T.S.W.U.B.O.K (Titswubok) – “This is the secret word used by our Klan” (this generic password has been used by Klansmen since 1926; a new and more efficient three-word password was introduced in 2010 but caused so much confusion it was abandoned within a week)

Vocabulary and Secret Language of the Ku Klux Klan

Most of the Klan vocabulary has been created by replacing the first letter of any word with the letter K, and replacing the first letter of any wording beginning with K with Kl (the “Kl of “Klan”; for example, Klansmen call kangaroos “klangaroos” even though kangaroos are neither white nor racist).

• Kalendar – The Klan calendar, which no one can ever work out how to use but occasionally refer to nonetheless, especially when they want an extra birthday.

• Kardinal Kullors – the Klan “cardinal colors” of white, crimson, gold and black.

• Khristmas – Klansmen celebrate Khristmas, which is similar to Christmas but with more fiery crosses.

• Klandestine — This word was introduced into the KKK lexicon in 1999 by Dwight Beevers. It refers to “the secrecy of the clan and its manifest destiny, both wrapped into one.” Klansmen across the USA were so impressed by the cleverness of the new word that Dwight Beevers was immediately given Wizard status.

• Klerpes – Klan herpes.

• Klangers – A reference to the British stop-motion animated children’s television series about a group of pink and pointy-headed creatures that live on a white planet with no black people. Klansmen love The Clangers because of its symbolism and because it’s easy to understand.

• Klanton — The area overseen by a Klavern (see Klavern).

• Klavern — A local unit or club, sometimes also called a “den” (a “den” was once called a “ken” until Klansman Ken Burns of Mobile, Alabama, complained).

• Klonverse — A provincial konvention of Klansman (not to be confused with Konverse, which refers to white Converse sneakers, the favored footwear among young Klan members).

• Kosplay – The KKK’s version of Cosplay, in which they all dress up in white robes and white hoods and talk about their favorite white-supremacist superheroes.

• Kousin – A Klansman’s cousin, who could also be his wife, mother, daughter or aunt. It gets pretty damn confusing after a while.

• Kraft Singles – Regular (not 2% Milk or Fat Free) Kraft Singles cheese slices are so popular at Klan conventions that they have been officially adopted into the Ku Klux Klan vocabulary with no change to the spelling.

[Warning: may contain spoilers, eunuchs, some nuts]

7:00 a.m. – Brush teeth.

7:15 a.m. – Allow two hours for Missandei to fix the royal hair before Dennis rouses from my bed and starts being all lovably roguish. (Dennis?? Dennis Menenace? No…. Darius? Daario, that’s it. Daario Fenaaris).

9:15 a.m. – Feed dragons.

9:45 a.m. – If a dragon should be missing, probably Drogon, send warrior-eunuch or other serious man on horse to look for dragon. Advise to follow trail of dead sheep and scorched children; apologize briefly to those affected.

10:00 a.m. – Due to royal chambers being situated at peak of massive pyramid, allow at least two and a half hours to descend to the front door at base of pyramid.

12:30 p.m. – Check status of fleet down at the bay, if fleet has been acquired, which it hasn’t, and which seems to be taking a rather long time.

12:45 p.m. – Take a light stroll among the plebs, street vendors, annoyed slavers and assassins in the public gardens or fruit market, despite the great risks involved. Do not accept free fruit (or wine).

1:15 p.m. – Sternly remind someone that I am Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, The Unburnt, Queen of Meereen… no, wait… Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Sandals, the Ragnor and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass… oh no, that’s not right… Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi… oh fuck-a-donkey!…. Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons. Protector of the Realm? Oh, fuck it.

1:30 p.m. – Banish Ser Jorah again, should he have found his way back in. Honestly, when will he give up? (note: Send a raven to the Maesters re. writing up that restraining order)

1:45 p.m. – Return to chambers at top of massive pyramid. Three hours going up.

4:45 p.m. – Feed dragons.

5:15 p.m. – Provide dwarf with wine, should dwarf be present; rebuke dwarf for drinking too much. Ask him where strange bald friend has gone.

5:30 p.m. – Convene brief council meeting and ignore everyone. Make a poor decision, ideally based on concepts of emancipation, feminism or haughtiness, just to keep things ticking along. Send a raven.

5:45 p.m. – Order Grey Worm to fetch my cloak from the end of the corridor, just to watch him run! Oh, how funny he looks when he runs!

6:00 p.m. – Spend an hour or so sat on throne in empty throne room in case someone should crawl in to beg for something, to which I should reply positively but with no intention of acting upon any assurances made. (note: I must find a manufacturer of quality cushions for the throne as it chafes and really burns after a while, which is quite surprising, all things considered)

7:30 p.m. – Have Missandei fix up the royal hair before Dario Ferrari returns from bar or brothel or battle to bed the Mother of Dragons.

9:30 p.m. – Brush teeth.

9:45 p.m. – Feed dragons.

The mysterious, enigmatic, challenging, quizzical and altogether enigmatic Nazca Lines have been a mystery to archaeologists and historians since their discovery in the 1950s. Even now, the huge geoglyphs etched in the desert rock remain a source of constant investigation and contention among academics and normal people.

The Nazca Lines are also, of course, one of Peru’s most popular tourist attractions. Unfortunately, flying over the Nazca Lines remains a hazardous excursion…

The History of Nazca Lines Flight Safety and Air Disasters

Safety standards over the Nazca Lines have improved over the last 20 years, but the light aircraft used to fly tourists over the Nazca geoglyphs still crash or collide (usually both) on an alarmingly regular basis.

The worst ever year for Nazca Lines incidents was in 1986, a year in which a total of 28 tourist aircraft crashed into the Nazca Desert, killing 130 people (including 54 American citizens) and injuring 10 more. Peruvian authorities called this “unfortunate but hardly surprising” and steadfastly refused to improve safety standards.

Even the worst offending company, Air Tours Meteorito, which was responsible for 87 percent of all flight collisions over the Nazca Lines in 1986, was allowed to continue flying. This was despite being found guilty of using child pilots, the youngest of whom was just 12 years old.

Improvements in Nazca Lines Flight Safety

Some improvements were made in 1999 when global media attention turned toward one particularly tragic accident over Nazca. On January 15, a mid-air collision involving five light aircraft resulted in the deaths of all but one of the people involved. All 26 foreign passengers died, along with four of the five pilots.

One pilot, Munchen Conejo Serrano Serrano, was thrown from his aircraft during the collision and miraculously landed in an open cesspit near the city of Nazca. He was unharmed and his survival was officially deemed a miracle by the local priesthood. The pilot later founded his own church, La Santo Iglesia de la Conejo Volador, which was raided by local police five years later on suspicion of nefarious cult activities. Conejo Serrano was found lying naked in bed with three underage boys, two bottles of pisco brandy, and a basket of grapes. The police shot him five times in the face and took the brandy. They left the boys and the grapes.

Nazca Lines Safety Today

Since the 1999 improvements — and further security measures imposed in the late 2000s — tourist flight crashes over the Nazca Lines have reduced noticeably.

In 2016, only 19 foreign tourists were killed in Nazca Lines flight accidents: 15 were killed from mid-air collisions or ground impacts, while of the remaining four, one fell out of his aircraft when the door fell off, and three were run over by aircraft while waiting at the Nazca Lines aerodrome. A huge festival was held in Nazca at the end of 2016 to celebrate the successful year with its all-time record low of foreign fatalities.

So far in 2017 there have been no crashes. This is making the locals highly suspicious.

Current Nazca Lines Airlines

As of January 2016, four light aircraft operators have been granted permission to run tourist flights over the Nazca Lines. These companies are Air Nazca, Aero Condor, Air Tercera Reich and Air Jordan.

Ticket prices and safety measures remain fairly constant between the four companies. In terms of accident rates, Air Nazca is currently considered the safest with only one incident in 2015, in which the pilot jumped out of the aircraft while over the whale geoglyph. The ensuing inquest concluded that the pilot was high on San Pedro and wanted to swim with the whale in the ocean below. Thankfully, one of the passengers, a henna tattoo artist from San Francisco, landed the aircraft safely.

Aero Condor had two incidents (resulting in three fatalities) in 2015, while Air Tercera Reich had a reasonably respectable three incidents (four fatalities, four injuries, and one missing person). Air Jordan currently has the worst record, with five incidents in 2016 (eight fatalities and one missing plane, yet to be found, with seven on board).

We typically recommend Air Nazca or Aero Condor, but the chance of dying is roughly the same among all four companies when looking at a rolling five year period. The chance of living, meanwhile, is about 82 percent across all four flight agencies.

The Nazca Lines themselves remain extremely enigmatic.