As most of you are now aware, Charles L. Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church recently put forward a proposal that all gay people should be rounded up and imprisoned behind an electric fence. In the light of this bold suggestion, I would like to offer a counter-proposal that I think will work equally well to keep Chucky happy and gay-free while not being quite so Nazi-like. Thus I would like to introduce:

The Prophet Province

My proposal is that every fundamentalist preacher be relocated to a 50,000 square mile area of the Sonoran Desert. This location will then be designate The Prophet Province and high walls will be built around it to keep out all worldly and evil influences from the general population of the Sodom and Gomorrah that is the remainder of the United States. There in those sanctified confines the fundamentalist preachers of the world will finally be able to spend their time doing what they do best: being the holiest people around.

With such a large area and a relatively small number of fundamentalist pastors, it should be a fairly simple matter to keep the preachers from being located too close together. For a true prophet experience each one should be allowed to think that they are the only ones left in the entire world who are still holding the truth faith. Also, when these would-be prophets encounter each other their failed attempts to call down fire and she-bears on each other often result in the sort of embarrassment that would better be avoided. Let each one think that they are the only voice crying in the wilderness and all will be well.

As an added bonus, given that these are all men of god, there will be no need to provide food for their sustenance. Research indicates that ravens will show up a minimum of four times a day with enough casseroles and carbohydrates to sustain even the most voracious desire for “fellowship.” In addition to eating the pastor’s days can be spent in much the same fashion as they are today, writing their own biographies, condemning everything that moves and thanking God that they are not like other men.

I implore that modest proposal should be implemented as quickly as is feasible. For once it is done life will immediately improve for scores of women, children, gays, minorities, and pretty much everyone else. And the pastors likewise can live out their days of Elijah in perfect peace.

We haven’t done one of these in a while but blessedhopebaptistchurch.net definitely makes the cut. When your bulletin lists the “missionary of the week” as Hephzibah House you know you’re in the presence of hardcore fundies. But when your site also advertises your pastor’s “life changing” books on The Seven Royal Laws of Courtship and Jesus’ Teenage Years, you know you’re in the presence of crazy hardcore fundy indeed.

Don’t miss the church History page with a list of all the church attendance records and the familiar story of how the current pastor inherited the job from his dad.

Thanks to Marie for passing this one along

For we can guess each hidden sin,
“He drank”, “She stole”, “They slandered.”
The Lord may love the whole wide world
We have a higher standard.

Lyrics:

What a beautiful thought I am thinking
Concerning a great speckled bird
Remember her name is recorded
On the pages of God’s Holy Word.

All the other birds are flocking ’round her
And she is despised by the squad
But the great speckled bird in the Bible
Is one with the great church of God.

All the other churches are against her
They envy her glory and fame
They hate her because she is chosen
And has not denied Jesus’ name.

Desiring to lower her standard
They watch every move that she makes
They long to find fault with her teachings
But really they find no mistake.

She is spreading her wings for a journey
She’s going to leave by and by
When the trumpet shall sound in the morning
She’ll rise and go up in the sky.

In the presence of all her despisers
With a song never uttered before
She will rise and be gone in a moment
Till the great tribulation is o’er.

I am glad I have learned of her meekness
I am proud that my name is on her book
For I want to be one never fearing
The face of my Savior to look.

When He cometh descending from heaven
On the cloud that He writes in His Word
I’ll be joyfully carried to meet Him
On the wings of that great speckled bird.

Although based on Jeremiah 12:9, this song is actually about how the conflict between Fundamentalism and Modernism — which I’m sure is exactly what Jeremiah had in mind when he penned that verse.

(And yes, I know the singer has a beard and is playing a “rock guitar” and that the audience claps afterwards. These are country-fried fundies so it’s not that unusual to see some variations from the standard BJU or Hyles type memes.)

Many thanks to John for both the video and the explanation

I especially like the bit in their advertising on the website that says “If you call yourself a true fundamentalist, this is where you will want to be.” Who could turn that down?

Thanks to Chuck and Marie for both passing news of this along.

Since we had so much fun a couple days ago with parodies of the awful lyrical homage to Jack Hyles, this Friday’s challenge is to slap together some iambic pentameter (or whatever meter makes you happy) and write a poem on this theme: The Managawd’s Lament.

As always, the contest winner will vigorously glad-handed and then promptly forgotten.

This is just one brief excerpt from a treasure trove of material found in the Joyful Woman Leadership Manual by Joy Rice Martin. Therein you’ll also learn why pastor’s wives can’t have real friends and the importance of finding a good church to visit on your romantic getaway weekends.

It’s no secret that fundamentalists think that their specific doctrinal stances on everything from hell to (prayers over) breakfast are the only ones that are correct. But the overactive case of certainty that follows the average fundy is hardly limited to the realms of doctrinal squabbling. In fact for many fundamentalists, being absolutely right and defending their ideas to the death is a way of life no matter what the topic. Absolutism is a way of life.

People who drive smart cars are all Communists. Pepsi drinkers are not just sorely mistaken they are actually victims of a conspiracy to make you eat your own children. Vegetarians (except Bro. Roloff, God rest his soul) may just as well start worshiping Gaia and get it over with. And don’t even get me started on people who have the utter gall to be born French and haven’t yet apologized for it.

So many people in the world are so very wrong. And if you’re ever unsure about that fact just ask your local fundy pastor his opinion on anything from plumbing to NASCAR and you’ll soon find out that it’s not just spiritual things that are absolutely fundamental.

Today’s reader-submitted photo is a snapshot of a poem that a pastor wrote about his hero, Jack Hyles.