STUFF I PUT ON MYSELF: a makeup blog

The Post Where I Find Out I'm a Pervert

2013-04-09T19:24:00.000-04:00

HELLOOOOOOOO, PARTY PEOPLE. What's up with you?

I've been working a metric fuckton. It happens. When I get swamped, I usually refer to it as "in the hole," like where'd they'd put you in prison for being an asshole++. I've been in the hole for about 6 weeks now. Usually when I'm in the hole, I will just put whatever music on my iTunes that I have the most of, so I don't have to stop and change the music as much, and I've been on a Dinosaur Jr binge for this particular time in the hole. I've listened to every single Dinosaur Jr album, from 'Dinosaur' to 'I Bet on Sky,' plus all the b-side albums and imports and live albums and J Mascis solo albums. According to my iTunes, I've listened to all of them 31 times, which works out to about 385 hours that I've been in my office by myself. GOOD TIMES. At least I know that when I am on my deathbed, I won't have regrets that I didn't spend enough time alone in my office.

I've mainly been getting my comics up to date ("up to date" meaning "stocked up for the foreseeable future." Y'all know your girl puts her back in it.) Aside from that, I've been busting my ass getting my polish site redesigned and making polish and all the thrilling stuff that comes with getting a new project rolling. I'm all done with that now, though, so you ought to check it out if you haven't already! I think it looks pretty good, and I think all the polishes I made look good. Usually when I make polish, I will make about 9 million colors and test them all, and then chuck out 99% of them because I am picky, so the cream that rises to the top tends to be pretty legit. Also, my nails are so fucked and soft that everything I buy chips on me in about 5 minutes. I test everything and I don't put stuff on the list of polishes to make unless I can keep them on, unchipped, for at least a couple days, which is a miracle if you consider that I spend all day typing and packing boxes and making nail polish. HIGH FIVE, ME. WAY TO GO, ME. YEAH.

Fancy City, Nicelahoma. Population: Me

LET'S BEAUTYBLOG THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

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I thought that I would revisit the bodyhair removal topic today, since the last post about it was supposed to be an appetizer for the main course of me basically maiming myself so I can make comparisons about hair removal techniques.

After the last hair removal post, I ordered a Braun Silk-Epil epilator thingy. I picked this one because it had good reviews, and because you can switch the head out and use it as a regular shaver, which I thought would be a good way to make sure I didn't totally waste my money when I decided that I didn't like epilating.

Okay, so I got the epilator. I just don't know how I can weave a story around using it to make it more intriguing or whatever. I charged it up, then I put off using it for a few days, and then I bit the bullet and did it.

If you don't know what an epilator is, it's basically a ton of little spinning tweezers that spin around and around and rip all your hair out. I am pretty hard, I am not a puss about things hurting. I have vast swaths of my body tattooed, I've had catheters and injured my knees and ankles and I can just ignore shit like that and let it slide. Don't even get it twisted and think I am being hyperbolic when I say that epilating fucking sucked with the power of 1000 suns. Damn. I have a tendency to cuss a bit (no shit) but the epilator hurt so badly that I did not cuss when I was using it. It was so painful that I was hollering pleas to the Virgin Mary and Ned Flanders-style curses, nothing that would have actually got bleeped out if someone made an reality TV show about me epilating. Strange.

I got a patch about as big as a Hershey bar done before I had to quit, and then I was spanked for the rest of the night from all my fight-or-flight responses firing off like crazy. Pretty stressful! I think the worst part of it was the pain (duh) coupled with seeing the epilator flinging ripped-out leg hairs all over when I was using it. Pretty grody.

Of course, it hurt so badly it was actually comedic, so I got Drew to let me make a movie of me epilating his leg. He has enough hair, he can spare some for the sake of mirth. Please note how melodic the epilator is. Beautiful.

After the epilator adventure, I was going to try waxing, but I was REALLY hesitant after that horrible hell-nightmare. I felt victimized by epilating, but I had to wax for the sake of this blog (damn, my life its totally fucked.)

I went out and picked up a Bliss Poetic Waxing kit, again, because it seemed to have pretty good reviews. If you've never seen/used this, it's basically a microwavable mug with wax in it, and some useless cleanser stuff and some azulene oil, which is that blue oil that comes with basically every waxing kit ever.

I tried it out on Easter evening, because it seemed like a good way to celebrate the resurrection of Christ. I microwaved it, which took a lot longer than the packaging would suggest, then I went to town. There were a few awkward moments, when my 4 year old daughter was asking me what I was making...

"Wax," I said. I wanted to be vague in hopes she'd not inquire further.

"Why you mating wax?" (That isn't a typo, she pronounces Ks like Ts. I'm gonna type like she sounds.)

"Because I am going to put it on my leg."

"Why you putting wax on you leg?"

"....Because I am going to use it to rip the hair out of my leg."

"Ohhhhhh. Why you dohing to rip the hairs out of you leg?"

"Because society enforces some fucked-up gender norms, and one of them is that women should be hairless even though they grow hair. Sometimes women do dumb shit to go along with those dumb gender norms, and think it will make them look better, but it hurts and it doesn't actually make them look that much better."

"Ohhhh. Wax my lehd!"

---END SCENE---

Okay, so here is the part of this post where I find out that I'm apparently a pervert.

I put this wax on my leg and I rip it off and it is life affirming and fills my heart with joy. I try it again, in case I was just having some kind of weird shock reaction, and it still pretty much rules ass. I kept waxing my legs until it was time for bed. Here is the part of the post where I tell you to not buy that Bliss Poetic Waxing kit because there is NOT enough wax in that mug, and it is a pain in the ass to keep going to the kitchen to heat the wax back up, and it is too expensive. I resorted to reheating used wax, which wasn't that awesome. I shouldn't have to do gross shit in order to get my money's worth out of some kind of fancy product.

Obviously, I went out to Sally a day or two later and got one of their little $20 wax crockpots and a couple 14 oz. tubs of wax. You know, because I am a pervert and I love sitting around ripping all my hair out. That whole set up was less than the Bliss kit, and I can wax the whole universe and not have to use the microwave even once.

For the sake of being informative, I have been using hard wax, which is apparently different than the other kind of wax, and hurts less since it doesn't stick to your skin as much. All I know is that waxing tickles every gross part of my psyche that wants to dig out an ingrown hair or stare at my Biore strip or pick a scab or whatever. It's exhilarating. Ripping it off is how I imagine it would feel to get a goal, or slam dunk or something if you were one of those sports-doers. I'm all like "rip," then I'm all like YEESSSSSSSSSS!!!! I don't think I've loved something like this since the first time I smoked a cigarette, only I will never have to quit waxing for my health and then spend the rest of my life thinking about it longingly.

I will update you if I wax so much that I only have pubes left, and end up picking HOMEGROWN BRAZILIAN from this Choose Your Own Adventure of bodyhair removal.

Hello Hello Open Thread

2013-03-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

I've had a generally shitty week or two in terms of doing anything I enjoy, like blogging or whatever. First my kid got impetigo, then she got an upper respiratory infection that promptly turned into an ear infection, then she got gastroenteritis, which was the shitty cherry on the shitty sundae. I'm not sure if you've been around 4 year olds with snotty colds or stomach flus, but they basically put mucus everywhere and then puke all over everything you love, and then also spray diarrhea on everything. IT'S AWESOME!

Anyway, I didn't want y'all to think I don't love you anymore, or that I forgot about you, so I thought we could have an open thread and chit chat about whatever. I want someone to tell me about IONS and how they are in all the hairbrushes and blowdryers. What the hell do they supposedly do and/or are they totally imaginary and don't actually do anything? Discuss.

I'll be back after Easter with good stuff again!

Mascara/Photoshop

2013-03-13T18:50:00.000-04:00

I've been having a pretty homely time lately!!

Usually I like, you know, putting clothes on and doing my face and all that, but I've had my hands full with some very dirty projects, and I just can't bring myself to get my clothing filthy and put makeup on and immediately smearing it off when I get shit on my face. Honestly, though, I think it would be dumb to try to look fly while taking dust baths in filth. I like looking nice, but I really don't think I am fooling everybody when I put makeup on, and I don't really care much if people see my regular human face. I get pink and I got some red spots from old zits. Oh, well!

Today, though, I thought I would wipe the grease from my face and hastily slap a little on, so you can see my new mascara.

I'm of a mind that there are two kinds of mascara: regular mascara and bad mascara. I just don't think it's ever amazing, but sometimes it's really terrible and smears or flakes or melts or makes your lashes look all shitty-n-clumpy. Waterproof stuff is good in theory, but it is always clumpier, and the formula is always worse than the not-waterproof kind.

I also have feelings about mascara because it is the only cosmetic that they recommend you chuck, like, 45 minutes after you take it out of the packaging. I understand that people don't want eye infections or whatever, but shit. I refuse to throw away a $20 tube of mascara 3 months after I bought it, especially considering that I will go through no-makeup kicks where I might only do my face a couple times a week. AAAAANNNNNDDDDDD am I the only one who thinks that some mascara is better after you leave it hanging around for awhile? Actually, I know I'm not the only one, cause I asked my pal Joanna, and she agreed with me. Benefit BadGal mascara is especially improved by letting it ripen for a minute. It's like it's too wet or something, but once you've had it for a while and it's not as wet, it's nearly perfect. I just accept my dangerous, living-on-the-edge way of keeping mascara until I personally feel I am done with it and ready to chuck it. If I get an eye infection, it's my fault. I'm okay with it. I will say, I've only ever had one eye infection in my life, and it flared up immediately after I used a neti pot when I had a sinus infection. I was definitely not wearing makeup at any time that whole week. I think the neti pot just shoved infection bacteria into my eye area, and I am obviously, totally a medical doctor and know 100% about all that stuff. But I digress!!

Previously, my favorite mascara was that Imju Fiberwig. They changed the name at some point, though, and in between names it was hard to find, and then I had some irrational, residual hurt feelings about the name change and just didn't buy it again. It's called D.J.V Beautenizer now (why the hell is that so expensive?) That name just sounds moronic. It can't still be good, because no reason at all!

After that, I flipped back and forth between BadGal and Diorshow (which is also inexplicably super expensive now?) I also used Lash Stiletto, and the L'Oreal Telescopic Explosion (man, that name sounds dumb, too) Waterproof mascara for my lower eyelashes. Those are all fine, but they aren't going to eat you out or anything.

Lately, though, I have been hearing a lot of people talking about Cover Girl Clump Crusher like it actually WOULD eat you out. It seemed like the consensus was that it was the dog's balls, and made everyone's lives complete. I was skeptical. Then again, I am always skeptical. Maybe my life would be happier if I just let myself be awed and amazed, I don't really know what kind of magic awaits those who choose the path of the rube. It might be really great.

So, I thought I would try it out for y'all... and you know what? It was pretty good. I've been wearing it for a few weeks, and it's alright. It doesn't flake or smear as much as other not-waterproof mascaras, it's effective without looking like Tammy Faye, the brush is pretty good, etc etc. I actually don't have any complaints about it. It doesn't make me look like I have creepy Kim Kardashian eyelash extensions, but it's effective and cheap and you can't really beat that.

HERE ARE PICS!! I thought I would be able to showcase it best all by itself, so I don't have any makeup on at all, or eyeshadow base or anything. I just washed my face and put on the Clump Crusher. Lookit:

Not too bad, right? Looks like mascara. goes right on your eyeball hairs like it's supposed to. It says "Very Black" on the tube, and it comes out of the tube pretty black. When I wash my face at night, it still looks alright. You won't win any beautiful-with-no-makeup awards with it or anything, but it is definitely OK!!

If your tube of mascara is getting shitty, and you are gonna buy a new one soon, I would say to go ahead and get this, because it probably wouldn't ruin your day. I need to get a little stampy-logo thing like that Allure Best-Of guy, that says IT'LL DO! Natalie's 2013 It'll Do Awards... Clump Crusher would definitely get that stamp.

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I thought that, since I have a pic of my eyeball on this post, it would be a good time to mention my Photoshop** policy. It is not news that people use Photoshop, and it is not news that some people will use it to make themselves look like wax-faced, uncanny valley hell dolls to avoid having people think they look like a person.

SIPOM PHOTOSHOP POLICY: I use Photoshop to adjust the curves and color balance of pics, crop them to the size I want, make collages, etc. I do not remove things from my face that are permanent features of my face (ie lines, beautymarks, double chin) or change the topography (ie fucking with messed up teeth or a crooked lips or one eye that is bigger than the other.) Any retouching I do is minimal... I want you to be able to see what my skin looks like, because otherwise I am presenting a product to you in a way that would create unrealistic expectations. If my skin looks fucked after putting foundation on, I will leave the fucked up spots so you can see that whatever-brand foundation is useless. I'm not going to buff all the texture out of my face, so other people who read this and are my age don't get anxious about how I appear to be Dorien Gray. My mug is my mug, and I don't fuck with my mug in Photoshop.

That said, I will retouch some stuff. I have a 22 megapixel camera, and those guys will take pictures of every single tiny thing on your face. Like, if I dry my face off with a towel before taking pics, you will see lime green lint balls on my face. I'll retouch those. If I have a fleck of sleep under my eye, I will retouch that. If I am doing a polish post, I will touch up the dry skin on my fingers... I used to not do this, but with my new camera it looks grody, even if my hands look fine to the naked eye. You know what I am saying? Minute shit that will make me look like Pigpen gets retouched. Regular face stuff and imperfections and things like that stay. That's it. The Photoshop policy on the Super Black site is the same... I don't change things so they appear to be something they are not. I tweak the color balance so the polishes look exactly like they do in the bottle that is on the desk in front of me, THE END.

Just wanted to be upfront with y'all!

**LOL at getting on Amazon and buying up some $700 copy of Photoshop. Y'ALL REALLY NEED TO GO PLUNK DOWN FOR THAT!!

Hair Removal/A Few Contest Follow-Ups

2013-02-26T15:25:00.000-05:00

Hello, people!

I always I want to say HELLO, LADIES, but I know there are dudes who read this, too, so I don't want to be non-inclusive or whatever. YOU DUDES MATTER. EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OK.

Do y'all wanna talk about hair removal? I SURE DO... kinda. Actually, I wanted to write about something that wasn't makeup or nails to break things up a little.

Generally speaking, I am not an especially hairy person. I have arm hair and leg hair and stuff, but it's kinda blonde, and I don't get much facial hair, and what I get is also pretty pale. I dye my eyebrows to get them to show up. Aside from that, I have been married for more than 8 years, so I'm comfortable with not shaving my legs for a couple months because I am basically out to pasture at this point. I am pretty confident my husband wouldn't dismantle our family because of my leg hair, and there isn't anyone else in the world who is gonna see how hairy my legs are. I'm just keeping it real with y'all before I get into this, so you don't think I am trying to reinforce some kind of societal pressure to be totally hairless and inoffensive. I don't care what you do.

For my face, I wax and/or tweeze my eyebrows (but y'all already knew that) and then I use that little buzzy thing to get the fuzz once in a while. You can't really see the hair on my face at all, but I find that my makeup looks a little better if I get rid of it. I use the buzzy thing because every other method of removing facial hair REALLY fucks my face up. Depilatories irritate the hell out of my skin and makes me look like I have a Kool-Aid mustache for so long that my facial hair has almost grown all the way back before the mustache goes away. Yucky, and really feels bad. If I wax, my face breaks out all over the place, and makeup over fuzz looks better than makeup over a ton of zits. I've never used bleach because my facial hair is already pretty blonde. I really only need to get the fuzz every couple months, though, and to say I need to is overstating it.

For my legs, I just shave them. I usually use a la-di-dah fancy razor with a million blades and moisture strips or whatever. I don't think they shave much better, really, but if I use the Bic-style ones where the whole thing is disposable, I have a tendency to completely maul myself and the shower ends up looking like Psycho. I even managed to completely shave my pinky fingernail off once with one of those. It makes me kinda dry heave typing that out for y'all to read, because I briefly revisited the situation in my head, and I still am bugged out about it years later. Right now I am actually frowning real hard and shaking my head like NO NO NO NO NO. NOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo....

I don't use depilatories on my legs for the same reason I don't use them on my face. They don't work that well, unless you are trying to give yourself dermatitis, in which case they work great!

As far as crotch stuff goes, I think removing all your pubic hair is creepy. I think the pubic hair designs like landing strips or Bermuda Triangles or whatever the fuck are weird, too. First off, I think making people (men or women) remove secondary sex characteristics to be attractive is pretty fucked. Secondly, my forays into shave-y, waxy crotch stuff tend to end in sadness, since wearing clothes over an area you just napalmed sucks, and when it grows back it sucks. A bunch of stubble and ingrown hairs isn't very sexy, in my opinion. The part of my brain that jumps to the worst conclusion is always super-concerned about going to the bathroom with irritation/ingrowns/nicks or whatever in that whole area. I just always think I am gonna get a massive abscess or pick up some weird infection from the bathroom at Fresh Market, and I am gonna have to get my ham sandwich surgically removed. That being said, I don't go full vintage pubes, I trim with a trimmer and shave stragglers for the sake of tidiness. (Look at all these trimmers! They all do the same thing! Don't get a nose one, though, those wouldn't work to do landscaping at the intersection.) I am not going to scorch the earth. That stuff is there for a reason.

All that aside, if you go whole hog on the pubic hair situation, and it's hot out, doesn't it get real sweaty and slimy and you feel like you have swamp butt? THE ANSWER IS YES. I went ahead and answered that rhetorical question for you.

ANYWAY, I thought we could talk about this issue in the comments. Y'all know I am not trying to play it off like I am the final word on stuff, I like hearing suggestions if someone has something groundbreaking to share, or techniques to avoid slicing off your fingernails or getting bad news irritation or whatever. Also, I wanted to lay some ground work with this post because I am gonna do a post on epilating as soon as I get a little more leg hair (OH GOD I KNOW IT'S GONNA SUCK, BUT IT'S GONNA BE FUNNY HOW I DO IT ANYWAY!!)

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Now, y'all can tell me if this is an accurate assumption...

When you are looking at a makeup blog, and the person writing it is reviewing a particular product, and the post is just a bunch of pics and a description of what it is, then they wrap it up by saying WHAT DO YOU THINK?? without saying what they think, I automatically conclude that the writer is on the take and full of it. Like, if you don't have an opinion, don't write about it? Maybe? It's pretty clear that they got an offer of something free in exchange for a post, and they don't want to say anything about it that their cosmetic sugar-daddy wouldn't like. Just throwing it out there, maybe that's an inaccurate conclusion to draw, and I am just a bitch about everything.

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Let's do a few contest updates! I got a lot of requests, so I am gonna dish them out a few at a time because there is some major-league list-writing happening up in here (up in here.) One thing I noticed, which is not a judgement call or anything, is that everyone used a lot of different products. I mean, I use a lot, but I always thought that was my secret shame or something, so I kinda liked seeing everyone's lists. I'M OKAY. YOU'RE OKAY. WE'RE ALL OKAY. Let's take a look at some ladies and their makeup. If you requested info on someone and they aren't listed here, hold your horses, cause I got about 9 billion more to post and I thought it would be more palatable to split them up into a regular feature or something until I get through them all. LET'S LOOK!!!!

OK, first we have 05... She is wearing:
Pink Skin79 BB Cream
Maybelline Fit Me Concealer in Fair
Vegan Cream Rose Blush in Dusky Rose
Rimmel Stay Matte Powder in Transparent
Oily Lid Shadow Primer in Dark Buff
Fawn Eyeshadow
Maybelline the Colossal Volume Express mascara
ELF Coffee eyeliner
ELF lipstick in Nostalgic

Miss 17!! She's got this stuff all up on her business!!
NARS Pure Radiant Tinted Moisturizer in Finland
Amazing Cosmetics Amazing Concealer in Fair
NYX Stay Matte But Not Flat Powder Foundation in Ivory
Sephora Collection Hydrating Powder Blush in Rose Petal
(this seems to be AWOL.)
Sephora Collection Colorful Eyeshadows Palette
(the caramelly and dark brown shadows.)
Clinique High Impact Mascara
Anastasia Eyebrow Mascara (dark golden brown)
Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick in Really Red (matte)

Number 21, AKA The Contest Winner...
ELF Eyeshadow Primer (she doesn't like it, FYI.)
Maybelline PureStay Powder Foundation in Ivory as
eye shadow
Revlon ColorStay eyeliner in Black
Bed Head eyeshadows in Black and Vanilla
Flirt brown eyeshadow palette
MAC Studio Tech NC15
OCC concealer in Y0
Wet n Wild blush in Heather Silk
Ben Nye blush in Cool Pink
MAC eyebrow pencil in Stud
MAC Brow Set in Beguile
Maybelline Lash Discovery waterproof mascara in
Blackest Black
Cover Girl Lash Blast waterproof mascara in Blackest Black
Milani Lipgloss in Secret

ALRIIIIIGHT!! Good game, good game! Y'all really put that stuff on yourselves! If I mis-linked one of your products, let me know! I think I did OK on most of them, but a couple of them I guessed on if it wasn't totally clear.

BYEEEE.

THE CONTEST

2013-02-15T14:42:00.000-05:00

So, today is the day! I slapped together all the pics I got, clicked the random number generator a few times, and put this bitch out to pasture. I am sure y'all want me to get down to it without too much chit-chat.

Tough tits! I am gonna talk about it!

I got 177 entries, and there are 3 winners, so y'all had a 3/177 chance of winning. I would figure out the percentage for you, but I would probably be wrong. If I was good at math, I would be out solving equations and saving the world instead of eating pretzels with no bra on while I wrote a makeup blog.
Everyone got assigned a number in the order I went through the emails. Everyone got ONE number, even if they sent more than one pic. Also, if they sent more than one pic, I only posted the one I liked the best. If you sent a few pictures and don't like the one I picked, tough titties. If you had a preference, you shouldn't have sent the images you didn't like ;)
I started at 02 instead of 01, because I liked it better that way. I know the number was picked randomly, so 01 was as likely to be picked as 02, but I left 01 out because I wouldn't want to be number 01, and I would think that would be less likely to be picked, because I'm a fucking idiot.
I cropped everyone's pics into perfect square shapes so I could tile them up and post them easier. If you sent a really close up pic of yourself, or one that was a skinny rectangle like a cell phone pic, I cropped it into a square and did a shoddy job adding more background in, because I assume y'all didn't want some weird close up of your face that cut off at the lip to be posted. If you gave me a close up and there was not enough background for me to do that, I just did my best. Most of the images were fine, though. I just thought I would be upfront about that if your pic looks slightly different than the one you sent. I ONLY extended backgrounds and added numbers, I didn't touch anything else.
I used a random number generator to pick the winners. This was not a beauty contest, and it wasn't a contest to impress me with your skills. The winners were randomly selected, no preference was given to people I knew, or people who had haircuts I liked, or anything like that.
I was originally going to post all of the makeup everyone had on, but I got 177 entries and everyone had, like, 15 different items on. I'm not gonna leave you hanging, though, so if there is someone you find particularly fetching, email me at nataliedee@nataliedee.com with the number of the person you want details about, and I will make a supplementary post with the makeup info of the people y'all want to know about. I will say, though, that I noticed that y'all really like Maybelline mascara, Revlon Colorstay foundation, BB Cream, and those Just Bitten stain/balm things.

OKAY! Let's look at some motherfucking pictures!! I will say that I WAS impressed at what a crew of cute ladies y'all are. Maybe the sample is skewed because this is a makeup blog and not a lawnmowing blog or a living-in-a-hole blog, but still. Well played, ladies. Also, when I was making these collages of photos, I felt like I was making the yearbook for a girls' reform school.

(I don't know why the last panel won't be the same size as the others.)

OKAY!!

Y'all ready for the winners??

The Grand Prize winner:

(Am I supposed to name the Grand Prize last?

The Second Prize Winner:

The Third Prize Winner, that is exactly

the same as the Second Prize:

ALRIIIIIIGHT! Now that is all done and I feel empty inside. I'm pretty sure the winners all included their addresses, so that's all squared up. You can email me, though, if you need your prize sent to a different address for some reason.

Honorable mention to all the inky, pierced up ladies with big ear holes and Skrillex haircuts. Y'all're bad.

WRITE ME IF YOU WANT MAKEUP INFO ON ANYONE POSTED!! I'm not leaving you hanging, I'm just not transcribing and linking 25,000 different make ups if I don't have to. GOOD GAME!!! I'll do this again once I think of a good prize and a good contest that is different than this one.

Let's talk Contest + Primers + Pricy vs. Not Pricy

2013-02-11T11:06:00.001-05:00

How are y'all doing today? I'm doing fucking horrible. I got some kind of upper respiratory thing going on, and then I started getting all crampy on top of it, then I woke up this morning with a giant stye. The stye was really the cherry on the sundae, though, because there is nothing better than having looking at stuff suck when all you want to do is lay around all day. OH! And I had planned to do a mascara post today, too, which I can't very much do with a honking stye and an eye-load of greasy eyedrops. So, today, I am just gonna pull up a few emails I got and write about a few different things.

The first order of business... THE CONTEST. I'm sure y'all remember that the deadline is the 14th, which is a few days away. I've received a lot of entries!! The question I want to pose to you is this... My original plan was to post everybody's picture, and I have no problem posting everyone's picture, but I thought I would ask y'all if that is what you want. Do you think it would be boring/overkill to look at 150-200 different pictures of people and you'll glaze over and not look at the whole post? Or do you want to see all of the entries? I don't have a preference either way, I just don't want to spend a long time setting up the contest post and have nobody look at it because it is too long. LET'S VOTE!

To refresh y'all, in case you missed previous posts about the contest or if you're new here or whatever... To enter the contest, send me a pic of your face with whatever kind of makeup look you like. Fancy, casual, weird, I don't care. Whatever you like. Then, list the products you used, and include your address. Send your entry to nataliedee@nataliedee.com with CONTEST in the subject heading (so I don't lose your entry since I'm a dumbass.) I will assign everyone a number, then use a random number generator to pick 3 winners. This isn't a beauty pageant, I am just picking winners randomly, so participation is the only criteria to win. Participation and being able to follow instructions, actually, cause I'm not going to track people down if they win and didn't include any of the info I need to send them prizes.

FIRST PRIZE: Urban Decay Naked Palette, Clinique Black Honey lip stuff, and 2 vouchers for your choice of SUPER BLACK Lacquers once I reopen the store in the next month or so.

SECOND and THIRD PRIZES: Urban Decay Naked Basics Palette, Clinique Black Honey lip stuff, and 1 voucher for your choice of SUPER BLACK Lacquer for use after the store reopens.

NOTE: If someone wins and doesn't live in the U.S, I am going to have to make a substitution for the polish portion of the prize since I can't mail that stuff to other countries.

Are y'all ready to move on? Let's move it on, then.

PRIMERS

A lot of y'all have been asking about makeup primers...

I'm gonna be straight with you... I only really use eyeshadow primer, and I've only used the Urban Decay Primer Potion because when I first got it, it was basically the only trick in town, and it lasts such a long time that it took me years to get through my tube of it. JUDGE ME. I admit it. If I have a makeup item that I paid a lot for, and the consistency/smell doesn't change, I will use it until it's empty and fuck those people who are telling me I gotta chuck stuff after a few months. Mascara, fine, I will replace that, but the rest of it, I am not chucking it if it doesn't give me a reason to. I'm done digressing, but the point is that I started using that Primer Potion in 2006 or something, and I'm only on my second tube. I am also a little bit cheap, so I don't buy other eyeshadow primers when I still have one at home, and I am not trying to switch brands when the one I use is totally fine in every way.

I am pretty skeptical about makeup inventions, but the eyeshadow primer is pretty legit. It really helps a lot with greasy eyelids/migrating eye makeup (although, I still get mascara leakage in the outside corner of my eye, but I can't be mad about that since you don't rub the primer in your eyelashes. It's not the primer's fault.) I even like putting a little on when I am not really wearing much makeup, because it kinda softens the look of capillaries you might have there, and makes your eyelid not look greasy. It's good stuff.

Now, on the topic of face primer... I don't really care for it. My skin is pretty fucked from having horrible acne when I was pregnant, and so I have to wear foundation and concealer, and the addition of another layer of shit on my face just makes me look bad. Either it makes my makeup look worse, or it will fart out a lot sooner than it would otherwise. I'm not sure what the right term for it would be, but it breaks and starts looking weird and curdled or something. I just use moisturizer before I do my face, then do one super duper thin coat of long-wear foundation all over so my skin color looks even, then a regular amount of foundation on my problem areas, then hit the parts that don't get covered by that with long-wear concealer. Some primers imply that they will cover big pores or something, but if they do that, I find that it makes your makeup look goopy. I use my favorite girlfriend Razor Sharp* to finish, and that sorts the big pores out for the most part.

*Razor Sharp is the best shit in the universe, but you HAVE to liberate it from the container it comes in. Put it in a little travel jar and put it on with a brush (maybe even this brush that whoops a donkey's ass!) That sponge thing is not good, and it's hard to control the powder coming out. Just take it out of the thing it comes in and use it like a regular powder.

PRICY VS. NOT PRICY

Is expensive stuff worth it? Love, About 9 Million People

YES and also NO! I've found that, when it comes to cosmetic stuff, a lot of stuff doesn't need to cost much at all to do what you want, and some stuff is a lot nicer to use if you splurge.

GET IT CHEAP:

Skincare products: You might thing that splurging on this stuff is worth it, but it really isn't. There is a limited number of things that you can expect the outer layer of your skin to do, and most pricy skincare products are selling you a load of fairy tale bullshit. All you can do is moisturize, exfoliate, and use sunscreen. That's ALL. Once you internalize that idea, you can sort through about 75% of the overpriced bullshit products you run across. A good, gentle facial cleanser and a nice moisturizer is really easy to pick up at the pharmacy, and you can get your whole facial regimen for under $20-$30, and it will probably work better than some shit you pick up for $90 a bottle that has a bunch of stuff that is going to irritate your face. I like Cerave products SO MUCH. Really. Get the foaming cleanser, a tub of the skin cream to use at night, and a tube of the Cerave AM for your SPF. If you have oily skin, get the Cerave PM to use at night, it is really awesome. I use this stuff + glycolic acid to exfoliate, and that is IT. I haven't had more than a couple zits in the last few years, and that is basically a miracle. I even dumped my dermatologist, since he had me on hella-useless prescriptions that never helped anything. One day I was just like "You know, if I am gonna have horrible acne I can't do anything about, I am at least going to stop using shit that is going to dry me out so bad so my makeup doesn't look all flaky and gross." Then I switched to all this bland stuff and my acne disappeared like flipping a switch. I don't even get zits when I'm having my lady issues anymore. I'd feel like a princess if I wasn't all scarred the hell up.

Lipstick: Drugstore lipstick is 100% totally fine in every way, and you won't get as mad when you lose it. Sure, fancier lipsticks might feel a little nicer going on, but for all intents and purposes, the drugstore lipstick is all you really need.

Bodycare stuff: Bodywash, lotions, all that stuff. The junk they sell for a ton at department stores or Sephora is unnecessary. Not to mention, they seem to have a ton of ingredients to make them smell more hoity-toity, and they always give me hives. That Philosophy stuff turns me into an itchy hive-monster on contact. Don't even get me started on that Bliss stuff that implies it is gonna make your legs or abdomen slimmer, that is the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. I'm not even going to get into the details of that, because I know you are all smart enough to not flush your money down the toilet with that stuff. If you have dry skin, I like this Aveeno body wash (that Dove and Olay stuff with all the moisturizers seem to clog my pores up and they feel waxy or something. Yuck.) If you have problems with bacne or whatever, pick up some Dr. Bronners. As far as lotion, I use that tub of Cerave cream, or this Aveeno Cream Oil which smells really nice and has a nice texture and sinks in really fast and doesn't make you feel slimy. I hate feeling slimy. Everyone buy that Cream Oil so they don't discontinue it. I never see anyone giving it daps even though it is the best body lotion ever, in my opinion.

GO AHEAD AND SPLURGE:

Foundation: There are drugstore foundations that will do the job, so don't feel like you have to splurge if you don't have the money to, since fancy foundation can be $$$$$. That being said, high-end foundation is definitely a nice treat. I'm fond of Make Up For Ever Mat Velvet, and the Kat Von D Lock It. Both look good and last a long time (the Kat Von D is a little better and lasts a little longer, in my opinion.)

Eyeshadow: I have never had much luck with drugstore eyeshadow. The pricier eyeshadows have a much better color payoff, the texture is a hell of a lot nicer, and they blend really well, which is important when you want your eye makeup to look nice. I default to getting Urban Decay eyeshadows because they are super nice to apply and look awesome, both the neutral colors and the crazier ones. Make Up For Ever makes awesome eyeshadows, too, and the Aqua Cream is the cat's ass. So good!... Sephora always has a billion eyeshadow sets, too, so splurging on nice eyeshadow isn't as big a hit to your wallet if you're able to find several in a kit. There was a Smashbox set I saw recently that had a lot of stuff for a pretty decent price if you consider how pricy Smashbox is. Smashbox makeup is pretty awesome, though, as long as you don't get that fucking primer ;)

Perfume: Drugstore perfume has never really appealed to me. Higher end perfume smells better and tends to last longer on you. Also, a bottle of perfume lasts a long time, so it's not like you have to spend $75 every month or two. I rotate between a few different perfumes and it's always an event when I hit the bottom of a bottle. I'm not gonna tell you what perfume to get, that's all personal preference. I am gullible for Thierry Mugler perfumes, Prada, and anything that smells like chocolate or caramel, because I'm a simp.

YOUR CALL:

Nail Polish: There are a ton of cheap polishes that are awesome, there are a lot of pricy ones that are awesome. Do your thing. My favorite store brand is probably Orly since I have the best luck getting long-lasting manicures when I use their polishes. My favorite fancy brand is Illamasqua, their colors are awesome and I really dig their formula. The thing with polish, though, is that the fancier stuff isn't really that expensive... Illamasqua is like $14, but finding it on sale for $11 or less isn't unheard of. Another brand I like is PopBeauty, and their polishes are like $10. Now, if you go fucking nuts and you buy the super expensive stuff, you might be disappointed. I've bought a bottle or two of Chanel polish, and I really disliked it. Mega-gloopy, and the Blue Satin one stained a whole lot, which bugged me because I can make navy blue polish by myself that doesn't stain at all, so they really should have that shit on lock. The Dior polish is nice, but it is really too much when you consider that all polishes are basically made of the same thing.

Eyeliner/Lipliner: This shit is all the same, I personally go cheap with the wax + wood + where's my sharpener-style liners. If you are crazy about liner and smoky eye makeup and doing your water line and shit, a higher end pencil might be worth your money. I like fancy liquid and gel liners sometimes, but drugstores have totally decent liquid and gel liners, too. It's up to you if you want to splurge on this stuff... Typically, I don't just because I'm not a crazy eyeliner lady. If it was the focus of my look, I probably would get the nice stuff more often.

Blush: Again, your call. Drugstore stuff is fine, but if you prefer something like Benetint or some kinda special blush, it might be worth the splurge. I have a Physicians Formula blush, and a Benefit blush, and I use both of them equally and don't really have a preference.

Add anything you think is worth it or not worth it in the comments! I'll hit y'all up later this week with a CONTEST POST!! OHMYGODWHOWILLWINIBETSOMECHICK!!!!

Gel Manicures/Love Letter/Contest Reminder

2013-01-28T14:45:00.000-05:00

Let's talk about gel manicures, since y'all seem to be curious or want to talk about them or whatever.

GEL MANICURES!!

Okay, so I started doing gel manicures on myself, like, 2 years ago or something. I heard people chattering about them, and was intrigued/skeptical. The snag for me, initially, was that it seemed to be a salon service, and I just really don't like people touching me. I will get haircuts, but I don't want to go get a manicure or pedicure or a massage or any of those things where someone is touching on my body parts.

At the time, there seemed to be 2 options in terms of gel polish: Shellac and Gelish. I chose to get a setup to do Gelish because they had way more colors, and way better colors (at least at that time.) At first I got a big old school UV light, in case I hated it, because the little LED lights were way more expensive. Once I decided I liked gel polish, I got the LED light, and it actually was a good move on my part because by time I was ready to get the LED, it was way cheaper than it was initially.

My 3 day old gel manicure. This is pretty impressive because I am brutal on my hands.

They still look like perfect little Chiclets!

I used Gelish Red Roses (plain red) and Good Gossip (red glitter.)

SO! Gel manicures. Here's how I do them (actually, how anybody would do them, since I just follow the instructions.)

1. Do my cuticles and file my nails and all that. Basically the same as the first step in a regular manicure.
2. Clean my nail plate with the special cleanser stuff, which is basically isopropyl alcohol.
3. Put the pH Bond stuff on. Again, I am pretty sure this is just isopropyl alcohol. They just want you to dry the hell out of your nails so there isn't any lotion or greasy stuff that will make the gel lift or chip.
4. Put the Foundation on. This is like the gel polish base coat. You use as little as humanly possible... seriously, you wipe the brush on the neck of the bottle until you get all the Foundation off, then what is left on the brush is enough to do ALL of your nails. Just scrub it on. Put your hand under the light and cure it. Get a little lint-free wiper and wipe your nails off. Theoretically, you don't have to cure this coat as long, but I always do it for the full time because it is like 30 seconds or something and I am too dumb to time it myself. Maybe it makes something terrible happen, but I haven't noticed so I will remain willfully ignorant.
5. Do a coat of Structure. This is an optional step. Structure is a thick gel that you apply with a nail art brush or something similar. Then you cure it and it makes your nails a little thicker and harder, and my nails are neither thick nor hard, so I like to use this. Wipe this layer with a lint-free wiper, too. Don't wipe layers that come after this one.
6. Paint on some gel polish. Basically, you do a coat, cure it, and repeat until you have the coverage you want. Some colors take a lot of coats, some don't. Paint, cure, paint, cure, etc etc, off into the sunset.
7. Slap on some Top It Off, which is the gel topcoat. Cure it. Then you get that cleanser stuff you used in step one, put it on a wipey thing, and wipe all your nails off. When the polish is curing, the UV light makes it react with itself. The top layer of polish molecules are in contact with the air, so they don't cure, and it leaves a sticky film behind and the nail cleanser (or isopropyl alcohol, let's not front like it makes a difference) gets the sticky all off and then your nails are totally done.

REMOVAL: You get a super gritty file and file the surface of your nail to scratch up the topcoat all over, then do the acetone/cottonball/foil thing for 10-15 minutes. It all comes off in a big flake. If it doesn't, you let it soak longer because digging it off will basically ruin your nails and you'll hate it. There are a couple Gelish steps that I think can be done with alcohol (nail cleaning, wiping off the sticky) but I have found that their remover works a little better than plain acetone.

Now, I am sure that other brands might have different products that do similar things, and that is fine. Use whatever you want. I started using Gelish, and I still use it because that is what I have and it works, and it's a salon-style product, so I assume it might work a little better than the mass-market stuff that is popping up all over. I did try the Sally Hansen Gel Strip things, and they suuuuuuucked.

OKAY! So, Pros and Cons of gel manicures:

PROS: It lasts forever. It's way mega shiny. Once you are done, your nails are done and you can't ding them up trying to pee before your nails are dry. It's awesome if you do a lot of stuff with your hands or are rough on them in general. It reinforces your nails, so if they are soft and don't like to grow, it makes your nails real hard and you can get them longer than you would otherwise.

CONS: It's kind of a fussy process putting it on. If you get a bubble or something, it is there for a week or two and it will drive you completely mad. Removal is kind of a pain in the ass. You can see growth along your cuticle edge, the same way you can with acrylic nails. The biggest con for me is that it is boring... I like painting my nails and having the same nails for 2 weeks is depressing, and you don't want to do a crazy color if it is going to be on forever, because sometimes crazy colors just don't look that great with what you're wearing/where you're going. I know you can paint over gel manicures and remove with non-acetone remover, but still. Also, the UV light is theoretically bad for you, but you can get UV gloves and put a little sunscreen on your skin beforehand and do your thing.

As far as price goes, you can get a light for around $50, a kit of the basecoat/topcoat/cleanser/remover for $30, a tub of structure for $10, and polishes for $10 (on Amazon, elsewhere they are pricy for whatever reason.) So, for $100ish you can have your own rig, which is pretty expensive. BUT, if you like gel manicures, you'll recoup the cost by doing your nails 2-3 times if you usually go to the salon to get them done.

In closing, I think gel manicures are pretty nice if you have a lot going on, and you don't have time to keep your nails nice. It is a little fussy, but it is not much effort if you consider that you won't have to do your nails again for a long time. It's not going to eat you out or anything, but it is a good thing to be able to do if you're a nailpolish person.

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LOVE LETTER

Dear Spanx Leggings,

I love you. You are my #1 favorite thing to wear when I am just bumming around, and sometimes I will wear you under a dress or tunic if I am going somewhere. You are very versatile.

I love that you seem to have some kind of vanity sizing going on. I think next time I need to buy a pair of you, I will get a medium. Wearing size medium pants is an ego boost, even if it's Spanx.

You make me look like I might actually have some muscle tone, instead of looking like I am a tub of flan, which is how I usually look. Even better, you are like Spanx that go from my ankle to the band of my bra, so I do not have flan spilling out and ruining the illusion of being marginally un-flabby. I know I am optimistic thinking you make me look fit, I am sure my legs just look like kielbasa, but still. That's still better than hella flabby.

You are really black, and matte. I like this because shiny kielbasa legs seem like they would be a bad look.

The only thing I do not like about you is that you are kind of expensive. Also, if I am not careful to make sure to hike the crotch all the way up to my crotch, sometimes that area will wear out. I'm not gonna lie, though, sometimes I wear you even when you start getting a hole in the crotch. I don't sit around with my legs spread like I'm waiting for an airplane (I'm a lady!) so I don't think it really matters. The crotch hole can just be our little secret.

Love, Natalie

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Don't forget the contest! I got a MILLION BILLION entries so far! I have to say, there are some mega-cute ladies who read this site. Well done, ladies.

If you want to enter and maybe win a Naked Palette, Black Honey lip thinger, and 2 bottles of my nail polish, or a Naked Basics Palette, Black Honey lip thinger and 1 bottle of my polish, make sure to enter by February 14th!! Send me a pic of your mug, a list of what you're wearing on your face, and your mailing address... Send emails to nataliedee@nataliedee.com, and put CONTEST in the subject because I am a moron with a short attention span and I would hate to lose your entry because I glazed over and didn't see it in my inbox full of Ulta spam. Yeah! Let's do this!

Foundation/Contest/Other Stuff

2013-01-14T13:55:00.000-05:00

A recurring theme here seems to be that I bear a striking resemblance to a corpse they fish out of the Olentangy, and I seem to attract the attention of other ladies who also have a deathly pallor.

I don't mind being pale. In fact, it is pretty intentional. I tan if I go in the sun without sunscreen, and when I was a kid, I was blonde and toasty-colored. I stopped sunning myself when I started coloring my hair dark, because I thought it would look weird. Now I just avoid the sun and use sunscreen because I want to get the most of my face before I start looking like a raisin.

For all the magazines and beauty so-an-sos being all like OH DON'T TAN IT'S BAAAAD! USE SUNSCREEN EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY AND PUT IT ALL OVER EVERYTHING AND WEAR A GIANT SUNHAT AND BLAH BLAH BLAH, nobody gives half a fuck about making light foundation. People are always like, "Natalie, what foundation should I use? I am so pale!" and I am all like, "I don't fucking know, I put on foundation that is a half shade too dark everyday like the rest of you." Suck it up, deal with it, maybe if I was a perfect lady with perfect skin like I am supposed to be, I wouldn't need to wear this pink/yellow foundation and look like I am wearing a weird mask. As it stands, though, I am a gross monsterlady, and I atone for my sin of not being good enough by wearing the pinky-yellow mask of shame. I was raised Catholic, I got this shame + self-loathing + a side of self-punishment thing down pat. It's like a warm and fuzzy bathrobe...mmmm so nice!

Don't even get me started on that bullshit where they try to sell you a tinted moisturizer or BB cream and be all THIS SHIT IS THE PERFECT COLOR FOR EVERYBODY!!! My ass. That is a damn lie. I am sure the ladies on the opposite end of the color spectrum will agree with me. That shit is the perfect color for everybody who is medium. Good for y'all. I bet you fit in one size fits all clothes, too, and your bra size is always the one that is left when Nordstrom has it's half-yearly sale. It must be nice to always enjoy the comforting embrace of society. Everybody loves you!!

So, the point of all this is that I wanted to let y'all know that I found a foundation that is light enough for me, and I thought I would throw y'all a bone. It's the Kat Von D Lock It Tattoo Foundation in #42. (I linked Amazon and Sephora, they seem to be sold out of the light color. Sorry about being a tease.) I never tried any of the Kat Von D cosmetics because, to be honest, I think that tattoo thing is kinda corny. I mean, I got a ton of tattoos and am badass in general, but the shirts with tattoos and the pictures of tattoos on everything is hella corny. I'm more into the mad tattoos and dressing kinda slick or avant garde, instead of the tattoos and dressing like you're in a motorcycle gang. That's just me, though! I'm just telling you why it took me until this weekend to check out this foundation!

I'm not even going to get into the idea of "Tattoo Foundation." If you know you're gonna have to cover your tattoos, don't get them in areas where your clothes won't cover. It's ok if you don't get tattoos everywhere. If you're spending an hour every morning covering your tats with makeup so people won't get mad at you, you're not really that hard. But I digress!

SO, this foundation, right? On your face instead of over your Dickbutt tattoo, right? It's pretty good stuff!! It's mega mega thick and heavy, so if you're not into that, you might not like it. I am not into super heavy makeup, but when I put this on, I just use the tiniest bit... like, the size of a bb at a time. Little tiny bb on my cheek, then I get my foundation brush and start spreading it over one side of my face, then do it again on the other side with another tiny bb of it. It covers really well with a tiny bit, and it doesn't look too heavy. If you have major face issues, I bet this would cover pretty much anything if you applied it with a heavier hand than I do.

Then I do my Razor Sharp on it and a little setting spray. Here's the best part-- all the times I've used it, I didn't do anything to my face after I got done putting my makeup on. No touchups, no nothing, and this stuff looked EXACTLY the same when I washed my face before going to bed. It didn't rub off or get that weird curdle-y look that some foundations will from your face grease or whatever. It looked totally perfect at bedtime. It was pretty great.

The only negative I've picked up so far, aside from how thick it is, is the smell. It kinda has a latexy smell to it, like paint or something. Also, the lightest concealer in the line is not light enough to go well with the foundation. I really hate that. Just make one more goddamn concealer one shade lighter to go with your lightest foundation. Damn.

So, try it out or don't! It's your life!

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CONTEST

I mentioned last time that I was gonna do a contest. I've had makeup people writing me and wanting to do dumb, extremely specific contests where I have to act like an asshole shill, and y'all would have had to roll on your backs and ask some cosmetic company to rub your bellies so you can get some free bullshit that you didn't even want. I prefer that we all retain a little bit of dignity!

SO!! Here is the contest!

E-mail me a pic of your favorite makeup look. Your everyday look, your fancy going-out look, I don't care. Just send me a pic, and tell me what you used. Include your mailing address, so I can send you a prize if you win!

I will take your pic out of your email and assign you a number so your name and personal info isn't all over my site. Then, I'm gonna post pics here, with your number and your list of what you put on your face, so everyone can see and people can get good ideas from people who might be the same age/coloration/skin type. Then I will just use a random number generator to pick the winner(s), so it's not a prettiest-lady-contest.

PRIZES: So, the first prize is going to be an Urban Decay Naked Palette that I already bought, and maybe something else if I'm inspired. I am going to give a 2nd and 3rd prize, but I haven't decided what they're going to be yet. The 2nd and 3rd prize will be the same thing, though, so the 3rd place person doesn't feel bad about getting a box of Tictacs or something, and the prize will be in the $25-$30 range, so you it'll be something nice, not like ponytail holders or Q-Tips.

I am going to set the deadline for a month from today, so February 14th is going to be the last day to submit. I'll remind you in posts between now and then. Email your pics and product lists to nataliedee@nataliedee.com and put CONTEST in caps in the subject line so I don't miss it! Yeah!

Let's get excited!

EDIT!! The prizes have been determined and are as follows (don't I sound official?)
FIRST PRIZE: Naked Palette, Clinique Black Honey lip stuff, certificate for 2 free bottles of SUPER BLACK Lacquer when I have my grand opening in the next month or so.
SECOND and THIRD PRIZES: Naked Basics Palette, Clinique Black Honey lip stuff, certificate for 1 free bottle of SUPER BLACK Lacquer.

IT IS DECIDED!!

EDIT #2: I will be allowing international entries, but if an international person wins a prize, I will have to sub the nail polish prizes with something else, since I can't ship that stuff outside the US!!

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Off topic: I just checked, out of curiosity, and my iTunes said my most frequently played song is "Earl" by Earl Sweatshirt. That is troubling. Not something I was ready to learn about myself.

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Off Topic #2: Check out my own man's new track/video from his new album! It is him + Kool Keith, and I think it's pretty good. The rest of the album has Roughneck Jihad, Angel Haze, and Rodney Anonymous from the Dead Milkmen. Again, if you're into this kinda thing, check it out!

HELLO PEOPLE/Drugstore Lip Stuff/Gel Strips

2013-01-07T13:35:00.000-05:00

I trust y'all had a decent holiday... Mine was alright. I tell you what, though, the transition from the laying-on-the-couch-style holiday break and the my-kid-has-no-school-and-is-bored-in-my-face-while-I-am-trying-to-secretly-make-her-dreams-come-true-style is a bit much. That shit is over the top.

The elephant in the room is obviously the month long hiatus on this blog... I was set to post in mid-December, but then there was that shooting and it seemed gauche/callous/yucky to post that day about vain stuff, then the holidays popped up with the combo of extreme busy-ness and no school/childcare, and now here we are! I'm back on the regular weekly/sometimes more often than weekly schedule now, though. I got some posts planned and some videos, and I am going to have a contest but I need to think more about how I am going to run it, since there aren't any cosmetic company people telling me what to do and how to run it and what the prize is gonna be. Actually, I already know what the prize is gonna be, cause I already bought it, but I need to plan the contest itself. If anyone has any great ideas, feel free to share them, otherwise I am just going to pull something out of my ass.

SO! I'm just gonna do a quick-n-dirty post about STUFF!!

Q: I need help finding the right lipstick for me.

I'm black (a perfect match for Soft Honey #455--I promise it's not spam! just a reference point) and I have pretty versatile skin. BUT, and it's a big one, most black makeup "gurus" on youtube or whatever wear really light, bubblegum pink colors. No shade, it's just not my way...

I hate it. I really don't like how most lip colors look or wear on me. So I wear a lot of chapstick and dark glosses (think deep mauve, dark berries) because of this.

It might help to mention that I'm working with a college grad budget, so not much is poppin off over here; definitely no ballin, at least.

So my ultimate question is this: do you wear, or at least have you seen any boss, darker lipstick colors on your journey?

A: What is with those super light lipstick colors?!? Actually, I know what the deal is... Everybody is trying to be Nicki Minaj. Now, I am not gonna play like I haven't been listening to Nicki Minaj 24/7 since I was buying mixtapes off her on Myspace years and years ago, but let's be real about how there is some questionable aesthetic shit going on there now. She basically was the hottest person in the universe, and now she is just too too much.

(left) hell fucking yes. (right) hmmm maybe not.

Anyway, what I am getting at is that I totally fucking hate that bubblegum pink lipstick, I think it is really gross looking. It makes it look like you were pigging out on Necco wafers all day and it made your mouth all chalky. NOBODY looks good in it. :( :( :(

Lipstick is pretty easy to get at the drugstore! I have a lot of drugstore lipsticks that I really super love!

My favorite regular-lipstick at the drugstore is probably Revlon Super Lustrous... It's not real heavy and gross-feeling, it has a nice feel to it. I would say it is pretty comfy. I use it like regular lipstick, or I tap it on really lightly and then put gloss over it and it has a stainy/sheer gloss kind of look going on. This stuff is pretty solid regular lipstick. My favorite color is Wild Orchid, which might look pretty sweet on you, but if you don't go for something bright like that, I understand. I've also had luck with Wine With Everything. If you generally are feeling mauve/berry shades, they have a ton of those, too. Berry Haute and Berry Rich both look pretty... The nice thing is that this kind of lipstick has been around forever, so it is probably not going to be discontinued like a lot of colors that are new lipshit technology or whatever. Also, they have about 19 billion colors.

Honestly, I wear a lot of dark glosses, too. If it's working for you, then by all means wear it. Glosses are just nice for daily wear, because they look more casual, and they don't look grody when they wear off. Also, they are easier to reapply. I like the Infallible 8 Hour lipgloss pretty well. I like how it seems to set up a little bit when you put it on, so it's not super slimy. Also, I get more lipstick complements when I wear it than other lip things I wear. I use the Dazzle Me (which seems to be discontinued) and the Barely Nude ones, but the Raisin and Glistening Berry look like good colors, too. I also like the Colour Riche Le Gloss. The Plum Rush one is awesome... It looks super dark in the tube, but it has a mega-sheer gel type of thing happening, and the color is more like a berry shade when you put it on.

If you were in the mood to splurge, though, I would recommend the Clinique Black Honey. It's not super duper expensive, and it's really flattering on most people. If you poke around online, there are pics of all kinds of ladies looking good in it-- pasty ones like me, asian ladies, light-complected black ladies, dark-complected black ladies, olive-complected ladies. That shit is versatile. I keep a tube in my purse because it's easy as hell and always looks decent. I even rebuy it, which is a pretty good indicator of a good cosmetic since there is only a small handful of things I rebuy. I usually try stuff, then try something different. Anyway, that is usually like $14 or $15. Not cheap but not hella-expensive if you want a treat. I've been wearing a lot of stuff like this or tinted chapstick type stuff lately because I got pink glasses, and I haven't figured out how to do lipstick with pink glasses and not look like a momo yet, but I digress.

This definitely isn't an exhaustive list of good drugstore lipsticks. It is pretty easy to find cheap and decent stuff. Also, a lot of drugstores will let you return cosmetics. I experiment more with colors when I buy drugstore stuff, instead of plunking down for some fancy stuff that might look like ass. The only drugstore stuff I don't fuck with is the Milani or Wet n Wild. I don't know, it just makes me feel like I'm 11 or something. I'm sure it's fine, though.

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QUICK REVIEW: SALLY HANSEN GEL STRIPS

I was sooooo excited when I heard they were making these. I love strips and I love gel. I was all about it.

I got a package and tried them out. They were easy to put on, the gel topcoat was pretty easy to deal with. They sucked a donkey's asshole, though. They came off my nails faster than regular nail strips would. I also had to buff my nails beforehand (they told me to in the instructions) and that shit always fucks my nails up and makes them split way more often and I have to grow the buffed part out. My nails are just too thin, and I don't have nail to spare for buffing.

It seems like people in general seem to dislike them, too, seeing as there ain't that many stars on any of those Amazon listings.

I am pretty good at doing my nails. It's basically my thing. I've been doing regular salon-style gel manicures on myself for probably 2 years or something. The regular gel manicures I do last forever, so I don't think it failed because I didn't know what I was doing. Thumbs down, Sally Hansen Gel Strips. Just get the regular, not-gel ones. Those still rule.

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If y'all are keeping tabs on my new nail polish biz, you might be interested to know I have a small handful of Lakes + Fields and a smaller handful of Jimmy left, and they are on clearance for $5. I am tweaking things and making some changes and want to get the last of my existing stock out of the way so when I bring out the new stuff and the new everything else, I don't have the old stuff still hanging around. I like everything to be matchy matchy matchy, I will have palpitations if everything doesn't match hahaha.

Dear Satan

2012-12-05T16:58:00.000-05:00

Sorry, misspelling "Santa" as "Satan" just tickles me.

Last week we talked about what to get for other people, and this week I am gonna talk about what I want, and y'all can talk about what you want. I get fatigued during the holiday season, shopping for everyone, then I get to the point where I just want to buy stuff for myself and say fuck everybody. I don't actually do that, though, I just fantasize about it. Actually, not only do I not buy myself stuff, I don't even really get presents from the people who live in my house. Everybody's birthday is in October, and mine is at the very end of October, so we usually just get Nona presents so her childhood isn't destroyed, and buy something for the house instead of Drew and me getting something in particular, since we all just got presents a month ago. Not very fun. Last year we got a chest freezer. This year I think we are replacing our chipped up dishes. Whoop-dee-dooooo!

So, this is my fantasy Christmas list, if I actually got Christmas presents and also was rich haha.

DEAR SATAN, I WOULD LIKE:

Bon Bonnie Hoodie: This is my favorite thing, probably, next to my Sloops that I told you about before. You get all the cozy, depression-casual feel of a hoodie, only it is cut more like a biker jacket, and you can pop the collar so it looks more like a funnel neck, which is pretty sweet and more fashionable than an American Apparel hoodie. Also, the asymmetrical zipper/biker jacket thing gives you an extra layer of warmth in the triangle area where it overlaps to zip, so it is good if you are constantly freezing like I am. I got a grey one last year, and a black one for my birthday this year, but I think they have burgundy, too, so I'd like one of those, please, so I can mix it up and also wash my other ones once in awhile.

Angel skin cream: I like wearing this perfume in the winter, and I always want to get the skin cream so I can layer and smell fancier, but then when I go to look for it, I see it is $80 and decide it is probably a better idea to just use cocoa butter like always.

Marc Jacobs Stam bag: This thing is fucking beautiful. That color. The kiss lock. The chain. Ugh. I wasn't really feeling this bag much when it first came out, but then this one showed up with silver hardware and that color and I changed my mind 100%. I thought I would save my points on my Amex card to buy one, but I did the math and realized that I would need 198,000 points to buy it, which means I would have to spend $198,000 to get it for free, so it wouldn't really be free seeing as my family would lose our house and probably starve from me trying to spend that much. OH WELL. Who better to ask for a $1400 purse than Satan, right? Feel free to pass the hat around, guys, if you are in the mood to get a present for your humble narrator.

2013 BMW M5: Murder it out, please... I want it flat black with black interior and black rims and tinted windows. Also some subs in the trunk. It is ok that it doesn't get shit for gas mileage, I got my current car in 2005 and I don't think it has 70K on it yet, and I bought it used. I don't clock a lot of miles. I could get one of these cars, totally tricked out, brand new, and charge it on my Amex and still not have enough points to get a free Stam bag, by the way. Damn. All them horses!

iPad case: I am pretty much gullible for iPad cases/computer cases. I get one and then I spend the rest of the time I have whatever piece of technology wishing I had bought a different case. To my credit, I refuse to buy a thing if I already have another thing that serves the purpose, so I just have angst instead of a ton of iPad cases. BUT, IF IT WAS A GIFT, IT WOULD BE FINE!! Basically, the more frivolous the better, anything to make it clear that I am doing absolutely nothing constructive with my computer shit, aside from playing Bejeweled, browsing Nordstrom, and writing blogs where I list all the stuff I want. I'm essentially a moron.

Illamasqua nail polish: I basically want all of them. Their colors are pretty rad, and I dig the ones they have that are rubbery-looking. I am also gullible for nail polish.

Extra Dark Splits: They're pretzels! And they're burnt! I love burnt stuff. They are so burnt, in fact, that they leave carbon marks on the paper towel you're eating them off. If I got a case of these for Christmas, I would HAVE to eat nothing but pretzels, or else I would be ungrateful. I remember the first time I saw these at Fresh Market, it was like my whole life was worth something.

OKAY!! So, that made me feel shallow and simple-minded, but I guess it's not really a good present unless it is something you wouldn't buy for yourself. I wouldn't buy any of this, except the hoodie and the nail polish, so that makes up for how vapid I am, I guess. What do y'all want for (insert your holiday here)?

Let's Go Not Shopping!

2012-11-26T12:36:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been walking down the stairs, and you slip and fall down a couple steps on your ass? Then you whack your tailbone in just the right way that you knock the wind out of yourself and you can't breathe? That's how I feel when I go shopping during the holiday season. All the people all over the place, ugh. I can't handle it. It is doubly distressing because I enjoy going to the mall quite a bit, in an 80s mallrat kind of way. I like going and chilling out and watching people, it's soothing. Also, you can take a long walk in the AC. Anyway, I just don't go to the mall during the holiday shopping season. I just do all my shopping online, and even put some milage on my soap.com account so I don't even have to fuck around with people to get toilet paper.

I basically do 100% of my Christmas shopping online every year, and usually just do it in one fell swoop. I don't fuck around. I thought I would share some gift ideas with y'all, then if you have any compelling gift ideas, you can post them in the comments, yah?

Basically, my gifting philosophy is this-- don't really ask what people want, and just get them something they'd never buy themselves and that they probably didn't know they wanted in the first place. I don't play that WELL, I HEARD WHAT'S-HIS-FACE NEEDS UNDERWEAR, I'LL JUST GET HIM UNDERWEAR. Even if you need underwear, you don't want underwear for Christmas.

Let's do this!

DUDE GIFTS: Maybe you have dudes on your list, like dads or boyfriends or something. Buy them stuff they'd like. When it comes to boyfriends and husbands, don't buy them clothes that you like and you'd like them to wear, they hate that. You decided to hook up with some dude with no style, leave him alone. You don't buy a station wagon and then spend all your time turning it into a sedan. It's not gonna happen. Put some shit in the wayback and just live with your choice, dig? Anyway, here are my go-to ideas...

LIQUOR: Guys like getting nice booze. If you have a lot of money to spend, get him some Balvenie 21 or something. If you don't have as much to spend, get him some Blanton's or Bulleit . The Blanton's has a little horse on the stopper!! Yeah! Guys like manly booze, so they probably don't want Goose or whatever. They like whiskey. If you get him some Balvenie, and include a card that says you shaved off all your pubic hair, he will think it's the best Christmas ever.

HOODIES: Every dude wears hoodies, and Christmas is in the winter, so they're cold. The key to a Christmas hoodie is to get them a nice brand, so the hoodie is special. Get him a North Face one, or a Penguin one, because they're warm and they are cut a little nicer, so they look good and stay decent forever. Cheap hoodies always look cheap.

VIDEO GAMES: Don't lie to yourself. He wants video games.

NOTE ON DAD GIFTS: They never want anything. Just get him a giftcard he can use to buy screwdrivers or whatever. It is a good compromise between you wanting to get him a gift, and him not wanting anything. Giftcards are like not giving anything, but nicer.

LADY GIFTS: Some gift guides split gifts into girlfriend/mom/sister or whatever. Basically, you just need to get her something nice. Moms don't want gifts that make it seem like they are just moms, like appliances or household organizers or flannel nightgowns. The only difference between a standard lady and a mom is that a mom has to deal with a whole lot more bullshit. Just get her something nice, don't remind her that she is going to have to do all the dishes and vacuum after you leave. Teenaged ladies like the same kind of nice stuff you'd get an adult lady, they even like that stuff more because it makes them feel sophisticated. I usually don't buy clothes for ladies, because it is depressing to get clothes as a gift and they don't fit.

PERFUME: Don't pretend you know what kind to get. Sephora has these gift box things with a bunch of samples to sniff, and includes a certificate so they can go to Sephora and get whatever they want. They get to like opening the present, then they can play around with samples, then they get to go to Sephora and get what they like. It's a pretty decent deal, and they have different sample sets to pick from. Nothing is worse than getting a fancy perfume as a gift and hating it, this is sucky perfume insurance.

A BAG: You know what rules? A cool bag that isn't too fancy to use all the time, and big enough to carry all your stuff and have room to put more stuff in, like if you're shopping or something. The Marc by Marc Jacobs Slingy is one of my favorites... it is huge and the strap is nice and long so you can wear it crossbody-style, and it's nylon so you can clean it pretty easily if it gets dirty. I can fit my phone and my iPad and my wallet and a makeup pouch, and still have room to throw more stuff in there, and even put an extra set of clothes for my kid in case she feels like peeing all over everything. The Tate bags are nice in the same way, huge and low-maintenance. You can poke around and find a million different colors and find ones from a season or two ago that are on clearance. Check Zappos, too, they sometimes have nice diffusion-line bags on sale for pretty good prices. The person getting the gift isn't gonna know it was on sale, and they're not gonna try to return the gift if you got them a Marc Jacobs bag.

NAKED PALETTE: These are super nice, but too pricy to just buy on a whim, so they are good for gifts. Pretty much universally flattering, too. If you're buying for someone with a darker complexion, get the Naked one. If you're buying for someone who is lighter-complected, get the Naked2 palette. It doesn't even really matter, though. I wear both, and I know ladies with medium/darker complexions who wear #2. If you're buying for someone who is younger, or a little more risque in their makeup, and you're pretty confident that they'd like it, you can get one of the other Urban Decay palettes that have a ton of colors. UD palettes are pretty awesome deals. Their shadows are really nice to use, the palettes have 10+ colors, and the individual shadows are $18 on their own, so it is a rad deal. The Smoked Palette is $49, and just the eyeliner in it is usually $19 by itself.

KID GIFTS: Don't get anything that has batteries. You'll either forget to give batteries and the kid will have to wait until their folks go to the store to get batteries, or they'll like it and burn through batteries constantly, or you'll drive the parents nuts with battery toy noise.

EYECLOPS BIONIC EYE: This thing is my favorite thing ever. You just plug it into the TV and point it at shit, and it's a 200x microscope that displays on the TV. It's pretty compelling, super easy to set up, and it's real futuristic that they have stuff like this for kids now. It says ages 8-15, but there aren't really any small pieces to speak of, and I could see younger kids liking it, as long as you keep an eye on them so they don't pull the TV down on their stupid heads.

LEGOS: Easy. There is a Lego set for whatever budget you're working with, and kids like 'em. Even if the kid already has Legos, more Legos just makes them better. I know they have those girl Legos now, and I personally find them insulting, but girls like that bullshit. If you're buying for your girlkid, stock her up on the regular Legos, and get a tiny bit of the bullshit girl Legos to placate her and use as flair on regular Lego buildings. Compromise.

ART STUFF: It won't kill a kid to do something that isn't video games or computer stuff or watching TV. Get them a ton of paper and some crayons or washable markers. Go crazy and give them some tape and glue and safety scissors and baggies of bullshit like feathers and google eyes. I got Nona some of this Crayola metallic paper a while ago when the weather was crappy and she was all cooped up. It was pretty rad, and she thought it was the cat's ass.

CHEAP STUFF: Sometimes you're broke, or you are getting gifts for people who are more casual acquaintances.

SITTING: If you have friends or relatives with kids, and you're not a pedophile who smokes angel dust, give them a voucher or two for free babysitting so they can go out for a change. It's not really much skin off your ass, and a sitter for a night out can run them up to $50. Give them two vouchers and you'll be the best ever.

SNACKS: Maybe you're the shit at baking like I am (cough cough I rule cough cough.) Make 3 or 4 different cookies and/or candy and make plates of a little bit of each. This is good to give neighbors and stuff. If you want to elevate the gift, give it along with a coffee mug, or put it on a nice plate and let them keep it. Done and done.

CRAFTY STUFF: Maybe you're crafty. I don't know what crafts you do, do whatever you're best at. I wouldn't recommend knitting or crochet gifts, they take waaaaaay too long, and then the recipient might not like it and it is a massive waste of time. Look at it this way, if you typically make $10 an hour at work, your time is worth roughly $10 an hour. If you spend $40 on yarn, and 10 hours knitting something, suddenly it's a $140 scarf and they hate it. Keep the crafts simple or you'll get your feelings hurt.

YEAH! What are y'all buying everyone?

SOOOOOOOO...

2012-11-23T15:57:00.002-05:00

I've been laying low on here for a minute since I've been working on a new project. Maybe you've seen it already the couple times I've linked it from Facebook, but I haven't linked it officially on any of my real-life websites. BUT HERE WE ARE!!

Basically, I started a nail polish biz. I tested the waters a bit on Etsy to make sure I had my workflow sorted out, and once I was comfy with that, I made a website to use instead. I was just taking baby steps so I don't start going whole hog and have things pop up that I didn't anticipate, you know I'm paranoid as hell. Anyway, that's where we are now... I got my workflow sorted out, got my shipping and packaging sorted out, sold a few batches of polish and sent out good number of orders, and now I am wading out a little farther and flipping on the real site and posting about it here so a few more people know about it.

Basically, I make nail polish. My first season came out a month or so ago, and I released 6 colors. I made all of it-- mixed the colors, tweaked the glitters, made the boxes and labels and put the color names on everything by hand. I've been selling out pretty quickly every time I've stocked and restocked thus far, but I made a good amount this time... I only anticipate one more potential sell-out of stock, just because I am changing a few more things and tweaking my suppliers, but once that's done I'm going to have a steady supply going on. I also have 15-17 new colors (glitter and regular) that I am testing to make sure they're stable and are gonna wear well, and those should be out in the next month or two. If you want to keep abreast of new colors and exclusive sales/coupon codes, check out the Facebook page for this whole enterprise.

So, check it out if you want! Peep the coupon code in the sidebar of this blog! I've been having a good time fucking around with this stuff and trying to make something that I think looks tight and wears well, and I hope you like it, too. If it's not your thing, I will check you back on this blog in the next few days with a regular-style blog post!

Under-eye Business

2012-11-09T12:22:00.000-05:00

I have some skin issues. I mean, everyone has some kind of skin issue, or something they are not real crazy about that they like to cover up a little bit.

My skin was never that bad when I was younger, but then when I had a kid, my face flipped the fuck out and I turned into the Elephant Man or something. I was always into doing eye makeup and lipstick, but when my skin got really bad was probably when I started taking make up very seriously. Not being pregnant for a while and getting my hormones back in line and getting religious about using glycolic acid sorted my acne out, so now I only get a zit every couple months or something, but I have some red marks and scars left over that I use concealer on.

It seems that a lot of y'all have under eye circles that you want to cover up. I am going to be real with you and say I actually know fuck-all about covering that stuff up. I just don't get circles, and if I don't sleep well or something and I do get a little under-eye stuff going on, it's not so bad that I sweat it. It's just that i have to put concealer on my red marks, and if I do my eye area, too, I think it might look like I have too much makeup on? Maybe? Also, I have this weird idea that if I don't put any foundation or concealer on in the areas of my face that are fine, like my under-eyes or my nose or my forehead, and i blend my makeup in so you can't really see the line where I cover up and where I don't, maybe the areas where I have a lot on won't be as obvious and seeing real skin texture makes the made up areas look more natural?? I don't know, these are make up philosophies I invented myself. I know other makeup bloggers might refer to themselves as GURUS or whatever, but I have too much doubt and self-loathing to ever say that I am an official on any topic, and that I am ever 100% right. Maybe I look like shit! I just like putting makeup on. I also like swimming, but I am not gonna front like I am going to win the Olympics, right?

ANYWAY, I'm not going to leave y'all in the lurch just because I don't know what the hell is going on.

I was at Sephora the other day with my friend and she said something about under-eye makeup, then y'all were asking about it, so I thought I would ask her. I mean, she allegedly uses it all the time, and I've never noticed her having dark circles, so one would assume that is because she is good at covering them up!

Meet my double-cute-best-girl, Joanna! Perhaps you recognize her, since she has been my main t-shirt model on my other site for a long time. Her eyeliner always looks nice and precise and symmetrical, she is good at doing her hair, and she isn't a bullshitter, so I will go ahead and vouch for her opinion on the matter of under-eye makeup.

Take it away, Joanna!!

"...I do use under-eye stuff. I usually go with Benefit's Erase Paste. You use a little bit and it goes a long way. The texture of it feels like its a heavy cream, but it blends in nicely. I guess that's what I like about it because I have naturally dark circles under my eyes, plus the veins that sorta show underneath. It just makes me feel better wearing something that is a little thicker and I can smooth out and blend. I normally wear this during the winter when my summer tan goes away.

I did want to try a new concealer, only because I get curious and sometimes it is worth the money. Lately, I've been using Lancome's Effacernes and I kinda loved it right off the bat! I could sorta compare it to Naked's makeup (note: Joanna and I are both currently in love and having a serious relationship with the Urban Decay Naked foundation) in that it is really light textured compared to Benefit, it doesn't crease and it creates a really nice matte finish and smooths out fine lines, and it sorta makes your eyes look brighter. Again, a little goes a long way with this one. I got this at Sephora for about $30 (I think) and I've almost had my little bottle for a 9 months or so.

Again, because I have issues with the dark circles, sometimes I feel like any concealer I use stops working but it's just me, I'm sure. What I like about this Lancome concealer is that I usually do two coats (when I'm feeling especially gross and tired-lookin' around the eye area.) I apply one coat, let it dry and then a second, just to make me feel better, I guess. I used to use MAC concealer, but it was just too dry and I felt like it brought out more fine lines than anything, but then again, I've had friends that live by that shit. Also, what I noticed about the Lancome stuff is that it has lots of different shades + intensity levels which I think is a nice touch because you can work with more skin tones."

There you have it! Maybe that will help you out in the under-eye department. I think the only thing I would add is that under-eye circles are usually shadows and vascularity under your eyes, so if you have a problem with them, just cover them up like my girl Joanna, and don't buy some creme or something that says it will make them go away. That is impossible since a cream can't change the way light falls on your face, cause that is magic-talk, and it can't change the vasculature under your eyes, since then it would be a pharmaceutical and you wouldn't be able to just buy it somewhere. You might be able to find something that has some cooling qualities that might make the vasculature constrict or something and get a little reduction that way, but the circles would come right back anyway, once the cooling effect wore off.

If you have any feelings on this topic, go ahead and share! Like I said, this is not my area of expertise.

Welp

2012-10-30T15:05:00.001-04:00

I was going to post today about doing a french manicure with navy blue polish and black tips, since navy and black is my favorite color combo, but it didn't go as well as I hoped. There wasn't enough difference between the two polishes. Not only could you not tell in the pics I took, but you can't even tell looking up close in real life.

I'm not afraid to admit when shit goes bowl-shaped. This post was dead in the water, but I can now tell you with authority that Chanel Blue Satin and Rimmel Black Satin are not different enough to do any kind of good combo with. Learn from my wasted morning!

So, I'm gonna improvise here, and just talk about something else that doesn't require a bunch of set up like doing a special manicure.

Let's talk about what we smell like!

Obviously, this topic is something that is totally personal preference. Maybe you don't like smelling like anything. Maybe you like smelling like something I hate. I'm just gonna tell y'all what I like, then you can discuss your personal preferences in the comments if you are so inclined.

I have issues with moisturizing body washes and stuff, so I like using Dr. Bronner's or something that is just soap to get clean with, then worry about how parched my skin is after I strip it of everything and boil it off in the hot shower. Have you ever noticed that you feel super-waxy after using those Dove or Olay body washes? Those make me feel groooooossssssssss, then my skin starts getting pukey and it's terrible. Those Philosophy body washes give me hives, and it's miserable. Dr. Bronner's isn't very luxurious, but it never freaks my skin out, sooo....

After I've washed and my skin is totally desiccated, I moisturize. I use regular old cocoa butter lotion to moisturize. I think it smells good and doesn't clash with the perfumes I like, and it works without feeling terribly slimy.

Then I do perfume. Maybe you don't do perfume, or you are one of those people who can't handle smells. I wear perfume because I like it, and because I work at home, so nobody is going to bitch to H.R. that my perfume is triggering their allergies or something.

I usually like perfumes that have a sweet note to them like chocolate or something. I also like a little funkiness like patchouli or musk or whatever. I usually keep a few different perfumes, and wear different ones at different times of the year. These are my favorite perfumes:

Hanae Mori Butterfly: This one is a sweet, floral-y kind of smell with an almond note that makes it smell like flower-flavored ice cream or something. I like this in the spring and summer, because it is lighter than some of the other perfumes I wear. It lasts pretty well when you put it on. Actually, all the perfumes I like are pretty long-wearing, because I don't like fucking around. I'm not a toucher-upper.

Robert Piguet Fracas: This is another spring/summer perfume. I also wear this one when I want to smell more responsible. This one is almost entirely floral, with a tuberose-y kind of tinge to it. Not exciting, but if I have to go talk to people at the bank, I will put this on after I cover all my tattoos up.

Aquolina Pink Sugar: This is my guilty pleasure. It basically just smells like dessert. I would imagine a teenager wearing it or something, it is definitely not that sophisticated. It is all sugar and vanilla and caramel-smelling, with just enough musky/floral/citrus that it doesn't smell like Bath and Body Works. It is also really cheap compared to a lot of perfumes, which is probably why I went ahead and got it even though I felt slightly dumb doing so.

Angel: You know what Angel smells like. Everyone knows what it smells like. I wear this in the wintertime, and it lasts forever, so you can skip putting it on if you wear the same hoodie two days in a row. My sister also got me Angel la Rose for Christmas or something, which smells like you would expect. That one doesn't last as well, though, for whatever reason. I don't care that everyone wears this, I just like it. It is dessert + funk, which is right up my alley.

Womanity: I got this one recently with my AmEx points after smelling it at Sephora. It is a really weird smelling perfume, the first whiff of it smells like cold, then when it settles in it has a figgy, salty smell to it. I like how the weird face on it reminds me of H.R. Giger, and the name of it is so unbelievably stupid, I love it. Whenever I put it on, I think, "Whoa, Manatee!" That always gets my day started on the right foot.

Other perfumes that aren't my favorite:

Alexander McQueen Kingdom: This actually smells terrible, but the bottle is really awesome. I never wear it, but the bottle is rad, and maybe you'd like smelling like a weird, fucked up old lady.

MV3: This actually used to be my favorite perfume, but then MAC decided to discontinue it, because fuuuuuuuuck them. I think this might have even been a perfume for dudes, but it was a very cupcake-y dude perfume.

Lady Gaga Fame: I don't own this, but I thought I would list it so people could weigh in and either agree or disagree that it smells like Boones Farm. I smelled it and it was like Boones Farm white zinfandel, and it made me want to puke off the back porch and pass out like the old days. Too much time spent figuring out how to make it black, and zero time spent making sure it didn't smell like hobo wine.

SO, what do y'all like, perfume-wise? I am sure a large portion of you think my preferences are gross, so feel free to shout out anything you've found that smells real awesome! This is just a topic that is 100% preference, so my preferences probably don't amount to shit. TOO BAD MY MANICURE GOT FUCKED UP!! Next post will be better!

Beauty Boxes or: That Time I Got Free Stuff

2012-10-18T18:17:00.000-04:00

I've been hearing scuttlebutt about all these monthly subscription beauty sample things that have been popping up lately, and I've got a lot of emails from people asking what the deal is/are they worth it/is the stuff good/blah blah blah...

The thing is, I am cheap. I don't really like spending money on stuff I don't 1000% want. I've heard that a lot of the box subscription things, like Birchbox or Glossybox or whatever, sometimes send crap like designer bandaids and hair ties and stuff that is not exciting, not makeup, and seems like filler. Also, I've heard shipping is slow... basically, all I've heard is people complaining, and I just didn't want to spend my money on something I heard was sucky, when I could save my money, or spend it on something awesome that I want.

Then, I got an email offering me free stuff.

I know I've mentioned before my thing with makeup blogs and the circle of freebies--->blog post---->more freebies----->more blog posts, on and on and on for all eternity, may the circle of freebies for posts remain unbroken, Amen.

Usually, when I get offers from companies, they are obviously just sent to every email address the company has for anyone who might have a makeup blog. They offer stuff I don't want in exchange for a post. Then, I'd have to link to them in the post, and mention their company's name x-amount of times, and then they also want me to set up a giveaway with you guys where you have to comment on the post and say how much you love the company, and then, obviously, they get a second blog post as a bonus when I announce the winner of the World's Biggest Ass-kisser Contest.

ANYWAY, I got an email a month or so ago from someone who works for Wantable. Maybe you've heard of them. I had never heard of them. So, they write me and offer me free stuff, but IT SOUNDED LIKE THEY HAD ACTUALLY READ MY BLOG. That was a first, and enough to get my attention... YES? TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW HILARIOUS I AM.

Wantable is a new monthly makeup box program like the other makeup box programs. The thing that I can see different with these guys, as opposed to the other guys, is that their seasonal boxes are curated, and they give you full-size products instead of samples. So, where you might get some cards with blush samples and a mini bullet of lip balm and some bandaids and a packet of lotion sample from a different subscription service, these guys would send you, like, 6 or 7 full-sized products. The products are all part of some kind of "look," and all the products go together, color-wise. Aside from those differences, they don't actually sign you up for an ongoing subscription. Rather, you sign up for a box and then are invited to get subsequent boxes every season.

Also, it seems like the stuff you get is determined by a profile you fill out with your hair color, eye color, and skin shade. I didn't fill one of those out, but the little paper that came with my box had my description on it like a mugshot, so obviously the person who sent it poked around my blog enough to see what I look like so they'd send the right stuff.

Here is a pic where you can see the profile they filled out for me. They had me pegged as considerably less gritty than I am, what with the Flowy, Sophisticated, etc etc. I assume that pic is the guy who sent me all this stuff. Sup, Daddy?

This is the makeup style they suggest with the box contents.

SO, what did I get??

Paula Dorf Eye Color Glimmer in "Prism"

MyFace (noooo) Slinky liquid liner in "Black Ice"

Verhoeven Cheek Candy Blush

Beauty for Real nude lipliner

Beauty for Real nude lipgloss with arbitrary light-up action

MyFace (NOOOOO) Lil' Bling nail polish "Black Ice"

I think that's it. 6 full sized products. There was also a couple little perfume sample vials, but I am picky about perfume, so I never use those.

The one thing I noticed about all the stuff in the box was that I actually used all of it, even after I ripped open the packages and did the hand-smear. Given, I didn't recreate the look they suggested after the first time doing it for shits and giggles, but I have used all the stuff in the box since then.

I like the eyeshadow pretty well for rubbing on real fast so I don't look like a monster.

The nude lipliner was nice, and exactly the same color as my lips, so it was pretty versatile.

The lipgloss was minty, and the color of it was sheer enough to apply without looking. The light made it handy for when I am chilling in a cave.

The blush was nice quality, the color wasn't too bright or dark for me.

The nail polish was nail polish. I mean, I like doing my nails, so the more bottles the merrier. My feelings on nail polish are usually HEEEEEY, NAIL POLISH!

The only thing I haven't revisited a ton was the liquid liner, and that's just because liquid liner is a little too fussy for me to mess with very often. Also, I like heavier eye makeup usually, and doing that with liquid just makes you look like Kreayshawn. It would be fine for someone with more self control. The shininess of it was pretty, too.

None of the products were brands I'd used before, either, so if you're into trying new things, it's pretty legit in that respect.

Here's the sticking point for me-- it's $40 a box. Was the makeup in the box worth more than $40? I would say so. It was more than I would have got on a trip to Sephora, and I never ever get out of there for less than $40. The site suggested that the retail price for everything in the box I got was $105, which is pretty close to what I figured with my research. Just the liner and eyeshadow retail for more than $40 together. Also, looking around, it seems like a lot of the other beauty boxes that aren't as nice cost more than $20 a box. (Here is where I admit that I am ashamed for looking up the prices of everything in my box and the subscription price, because it makes me feel like I have bad manners. I have too much Catholic guilt for the makeup blogging game.)

The Wantable site also says that you don't have to keep the box if you don't want it, and they include a return label, so if you open a box and aren't feeling it, you just return it and get your money back. So, while $40 is a lot to spend on a mystery box, you don't have to keep it if you don't want it, it will probably all look good on you, and it's a good deal for what you get. I think this would be a good thing to give someone as a gift, a couple seasons of this service would probably make someone who likes lady stuff pretty happy.

There you have it! I reviewed a box thing for you, got free stuff, and did it without letting a cosmetic company use my head as a beer rest while I choked on their bone. If you are interested in looking into Wantable, you can check out their site. A special thanks goes out to those guys for sending the free stuff, appreciating my sparkling wit and humor, classifying me as a Scarlett Johansson-type in the profile, and not talking to me like I'm a dumb bitch.

HEY, if any of you have used any of the other beauty box services, comment and let us know how it worked out for you. SHARE WITH THE GROUP!

Oh no! Who Put 'Sad' and 'Guilt' In My Lotion?

2012-10-09T11:53:00.001-04:00

Hello, everybody!!!

Sorry I've been scarce! October is always my craziest, busiest month. There's my husband's birthday, my birthday, my daughter's birthday, two of my sisters' birthdays, my brother-in-law's birthday, and family always visiting for all the birthdays, and the getting ready for Halloween, and trying to get out and enjoy October since it's the best month in Ohio, weather-wise, and and and... I can't breathe. Phew. Luckily, it's just a month and I will be back to being a depressed, hermit shut-in before you can say Dia de los Muertos.

Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to talk to y'all about something y'all super-wanna talk about...

I get questions about this stuff all the time... variations of which chemicals to avoid, how to avoid animal testing, how to find natural products, blah blah blah. People really want to pick the right thing, so it does what they need AND doesn't cause them guilt and/or anxiety about poisoning/abusing themselves or animals or the whole planet.

I am going to preface this by saying that my feelings on these topics aren't going to be popular. That's fine! We can all think different things and still be pals!

I've read a lot about cosmetic industry standards, terminology and what you have to do to be allowed to use certain terminology, and I am married to a chemical engineer who will always spend 45 minutes explaining the minutia of any little question you ask about chemicals, and also will go all Mr. Wizard on you and lay it down if you slip up and say some buzzword that is essentially bullshit marketing. Dude can even tell you what's in the tanker truck by looking at the little number on the back.

Unfortunately, much like with everything else in the world, it is sobering and depressing to actually know what's up.

Animal Testing: The little bunny that means "no animal testing" doesn't really mean that the products with the icon were made without animal testing. Now, I will say that they probably weren't-- most cosmetics companies have all their formulating done by an outside lab, since most people starting businesses don't have the extra money laying around to start a scientific laboratory and pay scientists to test everything they make. Instead, they decide what they are going to make, meet with a lab who helps them formulate, and the lab makes everything. So, the company itself doesn't do animal testing. EyelashBunny brand rabbit mascara probably doesn't even test directly on animals themselves.

The other thing is that every ingredient you put in a cosmetic item has something called a Material Safety Data Sheet. Every ingredient in every product has been tested, and every ingredient has information on file that shows that ingredient is safe to put on humans. Every one. The thing is, a lot of ingredients were tested before people started paying attention to things like animal testing, so most ingredients were tested on animals at one point. Olive oil and beeswax and the most hippie-natural stuff you can imagine were tested on animals. Basically, when a company puts a bunny on the label, it is just marketing. They want you to feel good, so they put the little bunny on it to say they don't test on animals. Of course they don't, they don't own labs, and even if they did, you don't go around wasting money retesting ingredients that already have MSDSs.

Just for shits and giggles, this is a screenshot from the website of the company that lets you put the bunny on your product...

The logo just means they want you to feel good about buying the product. Nothing there about the logo being important because it's important to be nice to animals, and nothing there saying the logo even means that no animals were ever harmed on the road to making that product.

Are you picking up what I'm laying down? Companies saying they don't do animal testing is like you saying that you are totally cool for the environment because you don't personally have an oil rig to suck the oil from the earth to make gas for your Honda. Even Stella McCartney, who is pretty well-known for being concerned about animal welfare issues, has the perfume/cosmetics leg of her company under the control of L'Oreal, who is adamant about being allowed to test on animals. The Body Shop is owned by L'Oreal, too. I'm not saying it's wrong to care about animal testing, but it's impossible to say 100% that there is no animal testing in a product, and if someone is telling you their product is morally pure, they are just trying to tickle your spot to get your wallet to open.

Organic Products: "Organic" is a term that is applied to food items, and is regulated by the USDA. The USDA has no jurisdiction over the cosmetics industry, period. Cosmetics have some areas that are regulated by the FDA. The FDA cares about the colorants you use, and if you make medical claims about your cosmetics (which is a no-no), but aside from that, the cosmetics industry is largely unregulated. The FDA can't say something is organic, and the USDA can't say something is organic if it's not a food item. SO, if you read the ingredients on a cosmetic item that is labeled "organic", and the ingredients aren't comprised mainly of food ingredients, like avocado or honey or whatever, then the label is bullshit. If the organic certification isn't from the USDA, it's bullshit. Whether or not you want to use products that are made of food is up to you, but don't make the decision based on a meaningless claim from a company that is trying to lube up your wallet. There are other agencies that will bestow cosmetic items with organic labels, but those are all agencies that are put together BY THE COSMETIC COMPANIES. You can trust them, right?!?!

Natural Products: "Natural" just means that the product is made from stuff like essential oils and waxes and flowers and shit. No harm in buying natural products, if that is what gets your goat. Something to keep in mind, though, is that it is pretty easy to have allergic reactions to plant-based, natural ingredients, so if you are the kind of person who has a tendency to get allergic reactions to stuff, you might not want to buy something that is natural. Also, just because it's natural doesn't mean it is superior and/or safe... Arsenic and uranium and poison ivy are natural, too.

Parabens and other scary chemicals: This is where I get all nihilist on y'all.

Parabens are used as preservatives in cosmetic items. People have been worked up lately because scientists found parabens in breast cancer tumors, and they are thought to mimic estrogens, so everyone freaked out and don't want them in their shit anymore. The thing is, despite the scientific findings, they haven't established a link between parabens and the formation of breast cancer.

If it makes you anxious, avoid it! The thing to keep in mind, though, is that other preservatives just don't work as well as parabens, so you might run into issues with the shelf-life of products made without parabens. Additionally, a lot of parabens are naturally-occuring chemicals, so take from that what you will.

There is a well-documented link between smoking and cancer, but you can smoke your whole life and not get cancer, or you can smoke your whole life and get cancer from exposure to a different chemical or the biological lottery or something else that isn't smoking. Right now, there isn't a documented link between cancer and parabens, just the existence of parabens in some tumor samples they checked. It's entirely up to you whether or not you accept the risk of using products with parabens. Personally, I don't find the scientific evidence compelling enough to make a point of avoiding them. It's not like I'm never going to get cancer if I avoid parabens... I very well might, and I am 100% definitely going to die someday, so I am the head counselor at Camp Don't-Give-A-Fuck. If scientists present some solid studies that establish a definite link, then sure, I might try to phase them out, but picking every little thing out of my life that might someday give me cancer, maybe, is a massive project that I just don't care to take on. It borders on hyper-vigilance, and I just don't need another mental problem to add to the pile.

If you care, you care, if you don't, you're probably still going to be fine (but you're gonna die either way.)

In Closing: When it comes to cosmetic items, I've made my feelings pretty clear... Stuff I use to clean myself and moisturize and perform general hygiene is as bland and hypoallergenic as possible, because I have a tendency towards getting itchy skin problems and acne. I keep it simple and just use a facewash and moisturizer/SPF, so my exposure to chemicals is minimized by just not slapping a mountain of shit on myself. I'm not using a wash and a separate exfoliant and Victoria's Secret lotion and some Bath and Body Works body spray and face cream and serum and separate SPF and eye cream and wrinkle treatment. I use the same 3 things all the time, and I use them to the bottom, then I recycle the container, and that's pretty nice to the earth. I just don't think every manmade thing is dangerous, and I know that a lot of manmade chemicals are just isolations of things that occur naturally in plants or fruits, that wouldn't be shelf stable if they were used in their natural form. If there is an article in a scientific journal that says my moisturizer is a definite cause of growing two extra sets of tits, I will stop using it, but I don't fret about every single little thing. Makeup is just makeup, I buy what I like because, even if the markup is a bit silly, it is what it is. I'm not going to buy a red lipstick and have it apply purple, or buy a nail polish and open it up to find that it's colored petroleum jelly. Makeup doesn't benefit from straight out lying to you like skincare items do.

I'm not going to trip because there isn't a bunny logo on my shampoo, and then have the groomer wash my dog with who-knows-what. I'm not going to freak out because there is carmine in my blush, then go out and eat shrimp. I'm not going to refuse to buy something I want because it isn't natural, then go drink 2 Diet Cokes while I watch Antiques Roadshow. I'm just mellower than that and try to be philosophically consistent, even if my philosophy is "who cares?!" If you're worried about particular things, because you're vegan or trying to be more green or whatever, do your thing. Read the labels and buy what makes you feel good, but don't believe every thing you read on a bottle, because a lot of it is unregulated. Just because there is a little picture of a leaf in the logo, and the plastic is all unbleached brown-looking, doesn't mean they aren't trying to sweet-talk you just to get your money.

A Love Letter

2012-09-29T11:27:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna go off the chain here.

I know that I am pretty skeptical. I am SUPER good at finding flaws in stuff, and I never believe that any product is going to save the world and make everybody happy forever.

BUT! BUT! Like, what if I found something and, like, completely fell in love? What then? Well, I would write a post like this where I spit a bunch of poems and flowers about it.

Meet my new baby... Sephora Instant Nail Polish Remover.

I am kinda obsessed with doing my nails. Some days I have so much work to do that I just wear sweatpants and moisturizer and put my hair in a claw, but even on those days, I have my nails done. Initially it was a necessary thing, because if my nails weren't done, I would bite them. Now it's, like, my thing. I enjoy the process of painting them, I find it soothing. Sometimes I will do my nails every night while my husband is watching COPS.

The thing is, before I found that Sephora polish remover, my nails would get torn up from all the polish remover. They'd get super dry and break and all that, and I would have to nip 'em short periodically so my nails wouldn't look all mangy like Howard Hughes.

So, a couple weeks ago I was in Sephora and I saw this stuff for the millionth time. It is always sitting there in the store, looking like nothing special. It says "Instant" on the bottle, but I never thought that was what they meant, because people bullshit. They love bullshitting. Anyway, I got some and brought it home and fell madly in love.

This remover is one of those jars-with-the-sponge-you-poke-your-finger-in things. Typically, I hate those things a lot. But this shit is so awesome, I don't even care. You stick your finger in, leave it for about 2 seconds, pull your finger out, AND THERE IS NOTHING ON YOUR NAIL AT ALL. Nothing in the crevices around the sides. No stains. Your nails are 100% perfectly clean and naked.

PLUS, it seems like there is a ton of glycerin or something in it, so after it makes everything disappear like that, your nails aren't even dried out. Part of the non-drying probably has to do with it being so fast, too. You don't have to soak your nails or rub them with a paper towel or anything. Stick your polished finger in, wait two seconds, pull out your pristine, naked nail. It is the most amazing thing. I think if I had to name my #1 favorite product I bought in 2012, it would probably be this.

Now, even though it is the best shit in the world, it has it's flaws. Or, I suppose, it has a singular flaw. If you use it to take glitter polish off, the chunks of glitter will rip the sponge up and you will have sponge crumbs on your finger when you pull it out. That's it. I did glitter polish with the first container I got, and I learned to avoid it. Then, I went back to Sephora and bought 2 more jars. If I had a wish, I would wish they had this same polish remover in a bottle so I could use it to take my glitter off, because I seriously love some glitter polish.

This post isn't that fascinating, but I thought I would clue y'all in, in case you are into stuff like this. If you do your nails and don't have this stuff already, just get it. You know I wouldn't lie to you. Nobody gives me freebies or asks me to write about anything. I didn't get free remover, I bought 3 jars of it with my own personal money. This shit basically rules ass. That is all.

I will be back next time to bitch and be crotchety about stuff, I promise.

BB Creams: They're OK

2012-09-21T17:47:00.001-04:00

BB CREAM, RIGHT?

This is the new crud on the scene. Kinda. I mean, it's been around for awhile, but the pedestrian makeup brands have recently started cranking them out, and people write me about them all the time. I mentioned them once before, then wrote a little mini thing about them, but still people wanted me to talk about them, so I thought I would do a post about them today.

So, BB cream was originally made 50 years ago, by a dermatologist, for her patients to use after they had procedures done. Like, she would blast their faces with lasers and scrape them off or whatever, then give them some bb cream to put on afterward, so they didn't look like a monster. Eventually, people in Korea started using it for shits and giggles, and it got mad popular, and now here we are, talking about it.

BB cream is basically an all-in-one product. There are a lot of different ones on the market, and the all-in-oneness varies from product to product. One might have SPF and moisturizer and anti-aging ingredients, plus the tint to cover up with. Another one might have the tinted coverup quality, but have SPF and anti-acne ingredients. You get what I'm putting down... The idea is, you slap it on, and that is all you have to put on.

Once bb creams got popular in Korea, a bunch of cosmetics companies decided to jump on. Fancy expensive Sephora companies, regular Walgreens makeup companies, blah blah... A lot of these bb creams don't serve as many purposes, and seem kind of faddish, and some of them seem to not know what a bb cream is supposed to be.

NOW, I am going to show you the differences between a korean bb cream, which is actually what a bb cream is supposed to be like, a plain tinted moisturizer, and a new-fangled bb cream that I picked up at Giant Eagle.

THE CONTENDERS

Here we have the dudes I'm going to write about: Skin79 The Oriental (I didn't name it), Stila Sheer Color tinted moisturizer, and L'Oreal Magic Skin Beautifier BB (I know that one is amazing, because it says MAGIC right there on the label.)

Skin79 The Oriental: This is my go-to bb cream. I like the color of it, it is functional, and it doesn't break me out. I don't wear it every day or anything, just when I have to drop my kid off at preschool at 9 in the morning and don't want to look like I just rolled out of bed and put sweatpants on (I actually just rolled out of bed, put sweatpants on, then washed my face and slapped on bb cream. BIG DIFFERENCE.)

The label on this guy claims it is brightening, firming, whitening (cause I surely need to be whiter), and it has SPF 25. I don't believe that anything I put on my face is going to do anything but moisturize, and it does that pretty well. I still look as dull, slack, and dingy as I did before I started using it.

The bottle is nice, feels fancy. It has a smell to it, kind of floral/tea smelling. Doesn't smell like shit or anything, it's alright and the smell goes away after you put it on. The dispensing thinger is pretty sweet, you push it down and it squirts out the hole in the top.

Look at it. I told you it would do that.

One thing that this bb cream has that I haven't seen with others is the blush stuff. The cap has a cap (pretty meta), and the cap's cap has some cream blush and a little mirror. The blush is the color of Pepto Bismol. They say you can use it on your lips or cheeks, but wearing it on your lips makes you look like you were pigging out on Necco wafers. As a blush, it is not my favorite. That's not a big deal to me, though, cause I bought it for the bb cream.

At this point, I am going to show you this little pic of a close-up of a spot on the wrist area of my giant arm tattoo. It is going to seem arbitrary, but once I explain that I am going to rub some creams into that area to show how much it settles into your pores and what kind of coverage these creams have, you're going to understand. See? I explained it and now you understand! Refer back to this if you forget what this spot looks like without being creamed up...

HOW THIS CRAP GOES ON:

This bb cream is pretty thick, definitely thicker than a foundation or tinted moisturizer. When you rub it on, you spread it where you want it, then pat it in place so you get a nice finish. You can see in the pic of my hand that it blends in pretty well and covered some of the blueness in my sexy veins. The only downside, in my opinion, is that it is super-moisturizing, and you can see in the pic of my hand that it has a little bit of a greasy sheen to it. This makes it look kind of shitty, too, if you try to put powder on over it. In the closeup of my tattoo, you can see that it evenly dispensed the color, and didn't collect in the pores or texture of my skin. There you go.

STILA SHEER COLOR: I have a troubled relationship with tinted moisturizer. I just can't find one that isn't too dark and doesn't break me out, and this one is no exception. It is mad yellow and I never wear it because it gives me zits. Let's compare this crappy garbage to the bb cream!!

OKAY, this stuff. Out of the tube, the texture is thick, but not as thick as the bb cream. It rubs in fine. You can see in the pic of it rubbed into my hand that it is pretty yellow, and you can see the line of demarcation halfway up my pinky where the yellow stops. Gross. In the closeup of my tattoo, you can see that it fills in all the pores on my wrist. This is probably part of the reason it gives me zits. If you are a person who is a lot yellower than me, who is also immune to zits, this shit might be a dream come true.

L'Oreal Magic Skin Beautifier BB Cream: Real talk, L'Oreal doesn't know what the fuck BB cream is. This is what I was talking about way up there when I said that a lot of the newer bb creams that are popping up everywhere don't have the multiple-product-in-one-bottle aspect, or even know what the fuck is going on. Also, that link to it is overpriced as hell. I don't think I paid more than $10 for it.

I picked this up at Giant Eagle or something, because I knew I was going to write this post at some point, and I wanted to throw one of these fuckers in there. L'Oreal doesn't think that "BB" stands for "blemish balm" (which is supposedly what it stands for).... L'Oreal thinks "BB" stands for "BEAUTIFYING BEADS."

Apparently, the function of this stuff is smoothing texture, hiding imperfections, moisturizing, and evening out your complexion. 3 of those sound an awful lot like different ways of saying the same thing, and it kind of sucks as a moisturizer. Also, NO SPF.

The thing is, aside from the fact that they can't tell their ass from their elbow, and they think i am stupid, I kinda like this stuff. It's not bb cream, but I like it pretty well. This + a little concealer on your spottier spots, and you look pretty good with a matte finish, and it doesn't look like very much makeup. I am conflicted, because this is stupid magic talk and hopping on a bandwagon that it doesn't get, but I like it at the same time. Oh, well. Let's continue...

So, you can see, first off, that this shit comes out of the tube WHITE, and it has little grey gritty pieces (the beautifying beads, no doubt.) You rub it in and the beads do whatever they need to do to disappear, and you get some light matte color. In the close up, you can see it collecting in the texture of my skin a little bit, but I had to zoom in closer to see that. It definitely dulled the blue of my tattoo, so the color payoff is decent.

COMPARISON:

Here, I got a piece of paper and put a little plop of product and smeared it, so y'all could see the differences in texture up close. The Skin79 bb cream is a lot thicker than the Stila tinted moisturizer, and has a lot more coverage. The L'Oreal, I don't know what the hell that stuff is doing... some kind of party trick that doesn't have anything to do with the other two products. You can see the white stuff, and the gritty, grey stuff. You can also see how, when you rub the beads, they seem to pop and streaks of orangish and yellowish tint come out.

Here is a little closer, to better see what is happening up there...

Regular stuff, creamy thick stuff, and some weird shit.

IN CLOSING: Try bb cream if you think you'd like it. It's not going to change your life, but it's not terrible. I think of it as what I wish tinted moisturizer was. It is good in a pinch, when you need to slap some stuff on your face to take your kid to school or let the plumber in the house. Get a Korean brand, because they are legit bb creams, and they are not super-overpriced like a lot of the newer ones. Also, you might want to get a sampler of a couple different kinds, because the color selection is sometimes crappy, and certain kinds might not have a color that looks good on you.

The L'Oreal stuff, you can try it if you want. It's nothing like bb cream, and you're going to have to put on all your other face stuff and SPF before you use it, so it's not any more convenient. However, I do like it more than the bb cream because it is not greasy at all (AKA the moisturizing claims are B.S.) and it looks pretty good alone, and plays nice with other makeup instead of making your face look like a dipped and breaded chicken cutlet. It is still the Ralph Wiggum of bb creams, though.

THE END!!!

Fix That Nail

2012-09-13T16:57:00.001-04:00

My nail issues are well-documented. I'm basically a recovering cannibal. I've had a pretty good handle on it for the past couple years, but the million years I spent eating myself resulted in some pretty funky ridges in a couple of my nails. Most of them are just minor, and polish will cover them. My ring finger on my left hand, though, was apparently my favorite one to eat, because it has a pretty terrible ridge, and my nail will always break down the ridge.

Recently, I cut my nails down and grew them back so I could get rid of some of the staining and a couple spots where I picked polish and shit was a little peel-y. I finally have enough nail to paint, and I noticed that my ridge broke. Usually, I will just cut my nail and file it down, but this one ripped to the quick, and I wanted to paint them and be glamorous instead of having farmer hands for another week or two. So, I'm going to show y'all how I fix my broken nails. It's pretty easy, and it's a good trick to be able to pull out of your hat.

OK, so here is my busted-ass nail. I will go a long time without it ripping like this, but sometimes it just does it over and over. I think it happens more when my nails are dried out. ANYWAY, it's annoying. I usually will patch my shit up with a teabag. It's easy, cheap, and it will last until you can grow your nail out, as long as you use non-acetone to take your nail polish off. WATCH ME DO IT!!

Here is my teabag. It doesn't matter what kind you use. I used this one because I don't like this kind of tea. They sell silk wrap thingies at Sally's, but those suck and the teabags actually work better and are easier to use. !!!!NOW!!!! I cut the teabag open, and dump the tea out. Then, I cut a little square of the bag, and trim trim trim trim trim until it is the same size and shape as the nail that's broken. If you fuck up, just start a new one... there's plenty of teabag paper to fuck up about 20 times.

Next, I get my nail glue, preferably the kind with the brush. The brush makes it easy to just put the glue where you want it, and I think it might dry a little slower so I don't glue the brush to my finger, since I am a moron like that, and I get a couple more seconds to put my teabag down.

I put some glue on my nail, a nice spot in the middle. just enough to arrange my teabag and have it stay. I use an orangewood stick to press it down. Now, I paint nail glue over the teabag, like if I was painting my nail. The glue will soak through the bag and stick it down all the way, all over the nail. Make sure you don't have any bubbles, because they can end up looking like pits at the end. Let that fucker dry all the way. Once it's dry, I file the extra teabag off, kinda like a Sally Hansen nail strip. I buff it with all 4 textures on a 4-way buffer until it feels nice and smooth. You might be able to see some of the fibers in the paper, but if you buff it smooth, you won't be able to see it once you polish your nails.

Then you polish your nails (that "Violetta" PopBeauty nail polish is the most lovely thing ever, by the way.) Now I am completely beautiful and perfect and happy inside, and everything is always going to be great and nobody is ever going to die.

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Usually when I do a new post, I close the comments on the previous post, but since y'all have been blowing up my spot with snack ideas, I thought I would leave it open for another week. Have at, if you are so inclined.

Snacktime

2012-09-04T21:53:00.003-04:00

Let's talk about snacks!

Like everybody else on the entire planet, I like to eat food when I am hungry. Unfortunately, when you are trying to become more fit (fitten up? be more fitter??), sometimes it is hard to come up with something to snack on that is good, and also won't totally blow your calories for the day so you have to have miso soup and an old hunk of celery for dinner.

Obviously, the best, healthiest, and lowest calorie option would probably be some vegetables or a piece of fruit or something, but that suuuuuuucks. You want something a little snackier than that sometimes, right? So, today I am going to show y'all some of my favorite light snacks! Then, in the comments (or by email), you can tell me what you like. I'm not the final word on stuff, I want some low-cal food ideas, too.

NIBBLY STUFF YOU CAN EAT THAT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE PUNISHMENT!!

DIP: I love dip. I want to put dip on everything in the world. Dip, though, has a million trillion calories and a fuckton of fat in it, especially if you eat as much dip as I do when I want to eat dip. This is problematic, because I am not the most veggie-loving person in the world, and dip really lubricates 'em so I can slide them down my gullet more efficiently.

Enter Fage 0% Greek Yogurt. (You prob should get it at the grocery, but that's what it looks like haha.)

You can take a big tub of this shit, and put powdered dip mix in it. Ranch dip. French onion dip. Whatever. You can also pull out your dill dip recipe and replace all the fatty dairy stuff like sour cream and mayo and stuff with the yogurt. No problem. I am sure you can use regular yogurt, but it would probably be runny and not good. The greek yogurt is PERFECT for dip because it is so thick. It also comes in a great tub with a lid, so you mix it right in there and put that cocksucker in the fridge, and you only dirtied a spoon making it.

One cup of Fage Greek Yogurt has 130 calories, plus the negligible amount of calories from your herbs and all that in the dip mix. I can't even eat a whole cup of dip, it's galling. So, have a half or three-quarters cup, and a trough of vegetables, and you're filled up for under 200 calories. I have this shit with lunch almost every day. DIP!

CRISPBREAD: So, you have some hummus, or some tuna or crab salad, and you want to scoop it up with something that is crunchy and cracker-like, but you have no self control around crackers. Because of this, you have to live your life like you're in a Sarah McLaughlin dog commercial, only instead of being sad about being an abused dog about to be put down, you're sad because you're about to get cracker-fat. (The same song will play if you are an abused dog or cracker-fat, don't worry.)

Now, imagine you can have some cracker things that are 12 calories for a cracker the size of a playing card... and that cracker has, like, 5 grams of fiber, so if you have a few with lunch, you're gonna crap your brains out. IT'S LIKE A DREAM! No, it's not... it's GG Bran Crispbread, the cracker thing that isn't THAT good, but it's certainly good enough. Eat like 5 of them or something! Eat twice that, pig the fuck out, then crap all day long tomorrow. They're kinda bland, but the stuff you're dipping (DIP) is gonna be good, so who cares. What matters is that they are crunchy and act like a cracker replacement, and they are good for you.

They should let me make a commercial for them. I already came up with a slogan, "GG Bran Crispbread....They're Good Enough!"

ICE CREAM: Let's say you wake up one morning, and it is a great day to be your chronic depression. The depression is in full frolic, and all you want to do is the bare minimum to keep up the appearance of not being a morbid puddle on the ground. You get out of bed, change into different yoga pants, brush your teeth and then it's quitting time! Time to eat ice cream on the couch and watch Antiques Roadshow for the next 14 hours!!

Wouldn't it be great if you could sit there and eat the whole pint of ice cream, and not erase every calorie you burnt doing Sweatin' to the Oldies when you you were briefly deluded into thinking you could be one of those sporty people??? WELL! Have some Arctic Zero!

Arctic Zero is like a protein shake made into ice cream. It doesn't have a bunch of artificial sweeteners in it, and it even has some fiber. OH, AND IT IS ALSO 150 CALORIES FOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE PINT. Get the chocolate-peanutbutter flavor, though, because that one has a much nicer mouthfeel. The other ones are a little icy-textured. It's pretty good, and if you remember that it is 150 for the whole thing, it suddenly is the best ice cream ever. If you have the recommended serving size, it's only 37 calories or something. I get more calories than that when I breathe too long in the kitchen when Drew is cooking himself some real food.

SHIRATAKI NOODLES: 40 calories for 8 ounces of noodles! They are weird noodles, and a lot of people hate them, but I can't live without having pasta constantly. So, instead of eating pasta every day with a side of self-loathing, I have shirataki most of the time, and really-real, awesome pasta whenever I make good homemade sauce or something that is worth having the real thing. Like I said, a lot of people don't like it, but I like it alright. It is better in asian-style sauces, and not that great in tomato sauces (but I don't much care, the giant bowl of noodles for 40 calories is pretty persuasive.) I've even made tuna noodle stuff, and doctored it up to make a good-enough version of just about any pasta dish I get a hankering for.

House Foods Shirataki Noodles!

The secret to getting them to taste good is this: Get the thinner noodles (either spaghetti or angel hair)...drain them in a colander...then, dump a ton (like, seriously, a half cup or something) of salt on the noodles in the colander, scrub the salt around in them for a minute, and let them sit in the colander in the sink while you get the rest of your ingredients together. Then, come back and rinse the salt all the way out and drain/squish out as much water as you can. This gets rid of any weird taste people say they have, and it seems to improve the texture a little, too. Mainly it gets rid of the taste of the water they are packed in.

M&Ms: Let's be real here. I don't know about y'all, but I can't stay on a diet if I am never going to be allowed to have anything good. It's much better to let yourself eat anything you want, and just be mindful of how much you are eating.

If I have a day when I've eaten all my fruits and vegetables and been generally healthy, and did a little workout or something, I might have some M&Ms. Specifically, I will have a regular size (not king size) bag of Pretzel M&Ms. Did you know that a whole bag of those only has 150 calories? I didn't, until I was going to get some Rocher (my previous go-to candy treat), and picked up a bag and read the label. That's not bad. Sure, it's sugar and flour and food coloring, but you get that satisfying frisson of buying candy for the hell of it, with minimum damage to your macros for the day. YEAH, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I'M GONNA BUY THAT CANDY. DEAL WITH IT.

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As you can see, I basically just want to eat hors d'oeuvres and pasta and dessert. The foods I listed are the foods I crutch along on, that help me keep from overeating. Aside from that stuff, and a couple other crutch-type foods, I usually just eat meat and produce and rice. My family is little, and my kid only eats Spaghettios and hummus, so we usually just make a few pounds of chicken in the oven, make brown rice in the cooker, and eat leftovers for dinner all week. Cooking for just a couple people is a pain, so we got it streamlined. We warm it up and add produce or condiments or turn the leftover meat into tacos, and blah blah blah. Then, we go get pho once or twice a week, and that's it! In the winter, we might also make a big pot of onion soup or something to keep in the fridge. Boring as hell!

Basically, I have to keep a tight rein on my shit because I work from home, on the computer, and that burns zero calories ever. Seriously, I think my BMR is 1100 calories or something, I'm like a sloth. I've always been a little fluffy, but nothing that bothered me. When I got pregnant, I was a size 8-10, but then I got horribly sick and got preeclampsia, and was gaining 15 pounds of water weight a week for the last couple months (I know it was all water because I couldn't eat anything, and it was all in the pitting edema in my legs). When I got out of the hospital, I weighed two (2) hundred (00) eighty (+80) pounds. 280. I've lost more than 100 pounds since then, and am wearing a 12-14, and that's fine with me. But it's a lot of work! This post might have been boring to you, but a lot of people email me about this stuff. I watch my food even on days I don't get gussied up and do my face and hair and all that, so it's a more major hobby of mine than the makeup stuff, I guess.

One last thing... last time I mentioned dieting, I got mail from people (not a lot, like 2) who were hella ticked that I had the audacity to talk about dieting, and tried to tell me off for being hateful to fat people. Obviously, they had me confused for someone who gives a fuck about people bitching at me, or who gives a fuck about what size other people are. I am neither, and there are actually about 9000 other things on the list of things I don't give a fuck about (if you were wondering.) I like to go to the Nordstrom semi-annual sale and be able to buy stuff. I don't have the attention span to find clothes I like in plus-sizes. Also, I have chronic depression, and being overweight and not exercising makes my depression more pit-like, and makes me wish I was dead. THAT'S IT, THAT'S MY MOTIVATION. I'm not out to body-shame people, or to appraise people's value based on their BMI, or trigger eating disorders or whatever the hell else people want to accuse me of. I'm not going to feel bad about doing what I gotta do to take care of myself, and I don't think it is appropriate that someone would read something like this and extrapolate that it is some kind of hate-screed. I just thought that I would get that out of the way so people can proactively can it, in case somebody feels like bitching at me about any of that. JUST GETTING THAT OUT OF THE WAY. SAVE EVERYONE SOME TIME!! It's ludicrous that I should even have to include this in my post.

In the comments (or via email), tell me what kind of light snacks you like. I actually would very much like to get more ideas for super-easy, healthy-ish snacks/convenience meals you like. If I get a bunch of good suggestions, I will make another blog post so everyone will have the whole list in digest form, so it is easier to read! Yay! BFFs!!!

My Stash

2012-08-24T16:06:00.003-04:00

HOW DO YOU ORGANIZE YOUR MAKEUP?

WHAT DO YOU KEEP YOUR MAKEUP IN??

SHOW US WHERE YOU PUT YOUR STUFF.

I've got variations of this message about 9000 times since starting this site, so I am finally going to show y'all. I will admit that I feel mildly shamed showing this, since my setup is probably the most expensive thing I've ever bought for myself, and it was a 100% selfish purchase, since I keep it in my bedroom where nobody ever sees it, and it is only for me and nobody better get their stinking fingerprints on it.

Welcome to Natalie's Folly.

I grew up with 3 sisters, so when we were younger, we all had vanities in our rooms so we wouldn't dismember each other in the morning fighting over the bathroom. I'd wash myself, and get the hell out of the bathroom and do all my girly stuff in my bedroom. When I got a place of my own, I tried getting ready and doing my makeup in the bathroom, but it just didn't work for me. I needed a table to steady my elbows on when I do eyeliner, and I like sitting when I am spending a lot of time setting my hair or something. I got a light-up makeup mirror, and for a while I kept it in my desk and did my makeup there, but I really, really wanted a vanity. When we bought our house a couple years ago, I saved up my money and finally bought one, since I'm not planning on moving again until I am dead or something terrible happens.

I searched the far corners of the earth until I found one that had all the storage I wanted, and a big mirror, looked sweet, and was a heavy duty piece of real furniture that I wouldn't have to replace. SO YEAH. My vanity. I like it pretty well, and it keeps all my stuff in one place, and it makes me feel like a classy lady when I am getting ready in the morning. I said I felt guilty about it, but I use it every single day, so I don't feel like it was a waste.

Let's pop this fucker open.

So, I got that mirror that lifts up, and a compartment with no lid, then a second compartment with a lid. I keep all my makeup in the lidded compartment, and my odd sized stuff in the area without a lid, since big stuff will keep that black door from closing all the way.

Look at all the bullshit in my vanity.

First off, I keep my hairpins in that jar. It's just a regular cottonball/Q-tip jar from Target. I got it a long time ago, then I commandeered it when I bought my vanity and saw that it matched. The top pic of the inside of the vanity shows where I keep my big powder containers and my eyeshadow palettes. The bottom two pics are just halves of the same compartment area. The area closest to the hinges has my primers and concealers and foundations, and the compartment closer to the bench has my blushes and highlighters and eyeshadows and pencils and lipglosses. I will admit that I have an embarrassment of Primer Potions, but they had the old packaging Primer Potions on clearance in a pack with plain, gold, and rosy-shimmery flavors for $20. For all three! That shit was a good deal. I was gonna link y'all to it, but it seems like they're all sold out.

There are also some drawers in this cocksucker.

The left side has two drawers... The top one has my lipsticks and mascaras (and a lighter, I guess.) The left bottom has all my hair claws and headbands and stuff. The drawer on the right is a double-decker one, so it is as wide and long as the others, but twice as deep. I keep all my round brushes and my hand mirror and all that kind of stuff in there. Next to my vanity is that cube thing with the boxes from Target, and that's where I keep my hairspray and stuff, and my hair appliances, and where I store extra bathroom stuff since the bathroom has hardly any storage at all. The black case on top of the cube thing is where I keep my jewelry. SO THAT'S THAT!

I refer to this area as Natalie's Folly because, while it is lovely and completely functional, it is a massive pain in the ass. When I bought it, it didn't occur to me that a mirrored piece of furniture would be impossible to keep clean, even if I didn't do messy stuff at it every day. So I sit there and spray stuff and use powdery stuff, and it just makes the biggest mess in the world and sprays dry on it, and it takes a whole bottle of Windex and a roll of paper towels to clean it. OH, and Nona likes to lick stuff that is shiny, so she will come up and lick the vanity all the time, which completely chaps my ass. It is always either covered in dried hairspray or foundation smudges or dried spit lick marks.

The inner compartment with the lid is lined with flocked material, which is also always trying to be filthy. The bench matches the vanity, but I have to keep it covered with that old scarf from Urban Outfitters because the seat is upholstered in white woven fabric. It was basically begging for me to ruin it.

There you have it! That is where I keep my stuff, and where I get ready in the morning. It does the job, even though it is a pain to keep clean.

Magic Isn't Real.

2012-08-17T15:05:00.000-04:00

It's finally starting to cool down a little bit in Good Ol' Ohio, and my skin is already starting to get a little dry, like it usually does when it gets cooler outside.

So, the other day I was looking for some eye cream to use at night, since I usually use a glycolic acid skin cream at night, and you can't really rub that shit on your eyes. That would be Bad News. I was looking for something plain, that was just like heavy moisturizer, that is maybe not totally greasy so it wouldn't melt and get on my glasses when I am trying to read before bed. That's it. That's what I wanted.

I was looking around, trying to find something that was, like, SUPER MOISTURIZING CREAM FOR EYES or SO BLAND YOU CAN GET IT ALL ON YOUR SCLERA AND IT'S NOT EVEN A THING.

But! Eye stuff!! Is a total load of bullshit! All of it! It is the tiniest jars, and the jars claim the most ridiculous, impossible stuff ever. Then they charge out the nose for it.

Can we all band together, and agree to stop believing in magic? People who make skincare products think that we are a bunch of simps, and that we read the massive imaginary bullshit claims on the bottles and are all like, "Well, that sounds good to me. Ring it up!"

I've just been thinking about this shit lately, because I get email from y'alls, like, "This magic thing, is it worth me spending $200 on it? Is it really $200 worth of magic?" Then I look and it is just a bunch of made up words promising to do things that are impossible. Also, I run into that shit, too, and it cheeses me off. Even if it seems like it would be a good moisturizer/toner/whatever, once they start talking magic-talk to me, I just put it down because I don't give my money to people who talk to me like I'm a fucking imbecile.

Here's the thing. Your skin is an organ, right? Like all your other organs, the longer it's hanging around doing it's thing, the more wore out it gets. You can't do anything, aside from getting a transplant, that will give you a younger and perkier heart or lung or intestine, and nothing is going to do that to your skin, either.

Like your other organs, you can't reverse wear and tear, only prevent it. If you eat a bunch of Cinnabon and KFC and sit on the couch all day and have a heart attack, you can't just drink some pomegranate juice and go on a walk and reverse all the damage from the heart attack, right? But you can eat right and take care of yourself, and when you're 65, you are in better shape than other people that are 65. The same with your skin. You can only be nice to it, you can't get sunburns and smoke cigarettes and pop zits, then expect to just use a face wash and have all the sun spots and wrinkles and zit scars go away. The only thing you can do is use sunscreen, exfoliate gently, moisturize, and cross your fingers. Just like with your other body parts, the only way to repair actual damage you've done to your face is to have some kind of medical procedure, like laser resurfacing or a facelift or injectables or something.

Basically, the only fair claims a skincare product can make is that is contains certain moisturizing ingredients and moisturizes your skin, it has SPF and will block UVA/UVB rays, or it will exfoliate, with either some grit, or some chemical exfoliant like glycolic, lactic, or salicylic acids, or something similar (like fruit enzymes like pineapple or something.) That's it. Those are the only things. Period.

There's some acne stuff on the shelf, and it says it's going to make you never break out, and it's going to fade all your old spots. No, it's not. It either has too little active ingredient, so it's not going to do anything, or it's a wash and the active ingredient rinses down the drain immediately, or it has benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid and it irritates the hell out of your face and makes the acne 10x worse and all flakey so your makeup looks fucked up. Besides, you probably have hormonal acne, so you can scorch your face all you want, but that isn't going to do shit about your hormones. If over the counter acne stuff worked, nobody would have acne and we'd all be perfect and beautiful with skin the texture of soft serve ice cream.

You might pick up something, and it will suggest to you that it will take away wrinkles. That isn't going to happen. The top layer of your skin is dead, and protects the juicy stuff underneath. You can't make the dead skin cells do anything at all, aside from swell up a tiny bit with moisturizer (which is just going to make you have nice, pretty wrinkles.) Nothing is going to penetrate the upper layer of your skin and make it do anything aside from what it is made to do-- keep microorganisms out of your body, make hair, and make face grease. Your skin doesn't care what you look like, it is not going to adopt new functions like going into retrograde so it can regenerate the skin of a 20 year old.

When you fuck your skin up, your skin only repairs itself to the point where it can keep the microorganisms out of your juicy parts. That's why you get scars and pits and stuff. If your skin wanted you to be pretty, it would heal up all the way and you would never have a mark after popping a zit, but all it is worried about is that you don't get some kind of freaky infection from brushing up against the wrong phonebooth, sooooo...... yup.

Maybe you will pick up an eye cream and it will make a bunch of claims about getting rid of dark circles... Bullshit. Dark circles are caused by the vascularity of the area under your eye, and by shadows being cast in that area. A cream is not going to change the capillaries under your skin, or change the laws of physics so light behaves in a different way, just on your face.

Let's all band together and start being hardasses about this stuff, yeah? If it is promising to do anything besides taking care of the skin you have, don't believe it. It's not going to happen. There isn't a cream or lotion or facewash in the world that is going to change what you already have. If there were, everybody would be smooth and perfect and beautiful, and nobody would ever visit the plastic surgeon for anything at all. There would be homeless plastic surgeons on the street with signs that said OUT OF WORK, PLEASE HELP!! EVERYONE JUST BOUGHT A TUBE OF CREAM FROM MACY'S, AND NOW NONE OF THEM HAVE ANY WRINKLES OR CELLULITE AND I HAVE NO USEFUL JOB SKILLS.

All you can do is:
1. Keep your skin clean.
2. Moisturize.
3. Exfoliate.
4. Use SPF every day.

If you do all that, and you feel like you look wore out, either let it go and just don't worry about it, or go to a doctor and spend the money you would have spent on a million different bullshit creams to have a little bit of maintenance work done. I'm not gonna hate on anyone for that, if it makes them happy. But don't bleed cash because you feel bad about yourself and you think that something in a jar is going to make any kind of noticeable change in how you look. That shit is dumb.

Buy cheap, bland skincare products that take good, healthy care of your face, and spend your money on makeup you like (because a lipstick is always going to do what lipstick does) and just deal with it. We're all gonna die, and we're lucky if we get to be old. If you have something that droops and you hate it, go see someone who went to college to hoist up your droop, and move on. We all wish we still looked perfect and taut and poreless like children, but oh well.

Let's Do Eyeliner

2012-08-10T12:16:00.000-04:00

HELLO, EVERYBODY!!

It's FRIDAY! So, TGIF to everyone who has some kind of schedule that means anything! Yeah!!

I thought I would post today about eyeliner. Not about liquid eyeliner or whatever, like people ask for all time time... I am going to write today about the very very easiest eyeliner method, that has the best payoff for the amount of work you have to put into it.

Let's do some push liner, people.

Push liner is different than liquid or pencil or gel + brush liner. First off, you don't draw a line, so there is minimal chance for you to get a wiggly hand and mess everything up. In fact, you need to wiggle a little bit to get it to go down well. Second, it is really subtle. It doesn't look like winged fancy liner, or like smudgy smokey pencil liner. It just fills in all the gaps between your eyelashes, so you look like you have thick, fancy, pretty-lady eyelashes and your eyes are just like that because you are well-bred or something. It is also FAST, so you can do it every day if you're so inclined. So, really, there is no reason you shouldn't try it out if you haven't already.

TOOLS:

Matte eyeshadow in a color that matches your mascara (I used this.)
A flat, compact makeup brush with short, firm bristles... Like a MAC #212 or something similar. Like this. Or this. Or this.
Eyelash curler + mascara (I used this curler, and this mascara, but it doesn't matter. Use what you like the most. People seem to really hate my eyelash curler, but it's just an eyelash curler. You can't expect it to change your life and make all your dreams a reality. It's a $4 eyelash curler.)

THAT'S IT, you might not even need to buy anything. If you have to get a brush, that is not a big deal because you can use it forever.

Okay, so let's do this. Lookit the pictures up there.

First, you're gonna do your eyeshadow however you like to do it. In these pictures (and most pictures, actually), I just have a nude eyeshadow thing going on. Lid color is shadow that is the same color as the rest of my skin, mushroom-colored eyeshadow in the crease, and a frosty peachy-white to highlight my browbone and duct area. Pretty basic. I used shadows from the Urban Decay Naked and Naked II palettes, but eyeshadow is eyeshadow.

***I'M GONNA GET OFF TRACK HERE FOR A SECOND***I will say, the Naked palettes are $$$, I used my Amex points to buy them, not American currency. BUT, if you were in the market for such a thing, I would recommend them, since there are so many shadows in the kit + nice brushes, and the individual UD shadows are $18 each when you buy them individually. Seems like a decent package deal if you want to get yourself a treat. I use mine almost everyday. Also, the Naked II palette is better than the Naked palette. Use whatever you want, though, this isn't an eyeshadow tutorial.****DONE DIGRESSING.****

Next, you're gonna take your brush, and rub it in one direction on your shadow, so you only collect color on one side of the brush. This makes it easier to get a thin line and control what's going on. When you apply, make sure the side with the shadow on it is facing DOWN (I know, you're not dumb, it would just look like regular liner if you end up aiming too high by having your brush flipped.)

NOW, take your loaded brush, and start going for your eye. Instead of putting the brush in the normal eyeliner area, you're going to angle it down a little bit and push it into the roots of your eyelashes. You can see in the pic up there that I actually push my eyelashes down a little with the brush, that is how low you aim on your eyelid. Push it in the roots of your lashes, and give it a little wiggle. Pick your brush up, and move across your lash line doing the same thing all the way in. Push, wiggle, pick up and move to the next spot. Once you've filled in your eyelash roots, you're done. That is all for the eyeliner portion of the program.

So, in this pic you can see what the push liner is going to look like before you do your mascara. No wing, no nothing. Just filled in the eyelash area. Easy.

Here you can see what it looks like after you're done. Just like nice eyelashes. In the pic on the right, you can compare with the push liner and mascara vs. no push liner or mascara. I apologize that I look weirdly cross-eyed in the pic on the right, it is hard to look into your webcam to take a pic of your eyeliner and not have it look like that. Especially if you don't have your glasses on.

You need to see me do it in real life? It's your lucky day, because I made the shortest video ever that shows me putting push liner on my other eye.

NOTE: I don't usually pull the skin in my eye area taught when I do this, but I kinda had to in the video because it is hard to see what is going on. You can see that this takes about 3.5 seconds to do, though.

TA-DA!! So easy! If you have issues doing your liner right, do it like this! You can improve your self-esteem in regards to your makeup skills, and we'll do some advanced-level liner later. This is seriously the super-easiest thing ever, makes you look pretty-pretty, and looks good on everyone. I started doing my liner like this 6 months ago or something, and I've been disinterested in my other liners ever since. It is basically a magic trick.

Natalie Dee, Private Pinvestigator/T Shirt Experiment

2012-08-01T13:44:00.000-04:00

I have a bit of a Love/Hatehatehatehate relationship with Pinterest. On the one hand, I like to see the stuff people I know post on their boards. On the other hand, it is a pretty janky piece of crap.

It's already been totally wrecked by spammy sites that flood the search results with dumb crap. Theoretically, I should be able to search "Prada" and have a bunch of new Prada stuff pop up, and some people pinning sales, and I should be able to just click around and look at stuff. Instead, when I search "Prada," the search result is the same picture over and over and over, and the text beneath all the pics is like "Prada Prada Prada Prada Prada." I'm not clicking any of that. Half the pics are even that stupid thinspiration stuff and stuff that looks like Etsy projects. When you accidentally click something like that, it sends you to one of those trap websites, where it is some kind of scam and when you try to leave the page, it pops up some window that is all like ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO LEAVE THIS PAGE AND MISS OUT ON THE MIRACLE ACAI BERRY PROBIOTIC WEIGHT LOSS SOLUTION AND ANAL BLEACH?!?! Yes, I am sure.

Aside from that, Pinterest is mainly comprised of projects for dumbasses. Now, I know that some of the projects are legit... those are usually ambitious projects designed to give you low self esteem because you don't have the attention span for a week long project, or the million dollar house that will make your project look its best when it is leaning up against your $68,000 fresco.

ANYWAY, dumbass projects, right? These are the projects where you read about how to do them, and you're all like "That won't work," or "That is an extremely bad idea." For example, the project where they suggest that you get glow sticks, cut them open, pour the liquid in a jar, and give it to your children. I've seen that pinned about eighty thousand times. I think people just pin these because they think it sounds good, and they have no follow through. They pin it, dust off their hands, and forget about it forever.

Don't even get me started on the recipes. It's all fucking cream cheese, people.

ANYWAY, a few months ago, I started seeing this being pinned all over:

I was intrigued, I admit. I have a thing for t-shirts. One of my first jobs as a teenager was doing graphic design for a t-shirt printer, and I still make t-shirts. I am a sucker for a good t-shirt, and as a result, I have a lot that are too big or too stiff or whatever. I don't want to get rid of them because I still like them and think that the t-shirt fairy is going to swoop in my window and turn them all into comfy perfection. I decided to try this shit out!

These are the t-shirts I picked out... The Nicki Minaj shirt is too big, and kinda scratchy and stiff since it is mega-new. I got it at a show, and the pickins were slim by time I got to the booth, but I bought a shirt anyway, and now I have this shirt I've worn exactly zero times. The Funky Ass Records shirt I bought off Kutmasta Kurt a million years ago...whenever it was that Diesel Truckers came out. I like this shirt enough that I will wear it, but it isn't that comfy. The Melvins shirt I bought on Ebay even though it is two sizes too big, because I had the same one in the right size that was my favorite shirt ever, and I wore it into the ground. I was hoping I could doctor this one up and maybe turn it into a Flashdance-looking shirt and be able to wear it. The Ghostface shirt is just like the Funky Ass one, the size is fine, but it's a little scratchy for me to want to wear it often. YUP, BORING T-SHIRT HISTORY.

First off, that Pinterest thing says that you should put a half cup of salt in a quart of water. You are never going to be able soak anything in a quart of water. So, I have a 2 gallon bucket, so I figured that there is 4 quarts in a gallon, so I had an 8 quart container, which meant I should put 4 cups of salt in there. That is a lot of fucking salt. I mixed up the shirt brine, put my shirts in the bucket, then I weighed the shirts down with a glass mixing bowl so they would stay submerged. Then I put the bucket in the bathtub in the bathroom nobody ever bathes in, and left that fucker for three days.

In the meantime, I thought about whether it was going to work. I tried to be optimistic, because I wanted it to work. My girl Kathe pointed out that she thought the shirts were going to rot in the bucket, since your swimsuit will fall apart if you go swimming around in the ocean. I saw her point, and hoped my shirts wouldn't fall apart, but that also made me more optimistic because maybe the salt in the ocean eats the lycra and stuff in the swimsuits, so it wouldn't be as dramatic with t-shirts. I don't know. I was just talking out my ass.

SO! On day 3, I drained the bucket, washed the shirts, and dried them. I took them out, and they were exactly the fucking same as when I put them in the fucking bucket.

THE END!! hahahahaha ahhhhhhhhh. I have no idea why I thought that Pinterest shit would work. Lesson: People can make a graphic out of whatever they want, it doesn't mean that it is legit.

The Pig/Nail Garbage

2012-07-25T15:29:00.000-04:00

So, I have this theory, right?

I think that, when people buy shit that is overpriced or overhyped, they have a tendency to be a little dishonest about how they feel about it. Or maybe not dishonest, per se, maybe more like ultra-hyperbolic about the couple things that are good, and just ignore the bad stuff. I think maybe people feel a little bad or guilty or stupid about buying stuff, then they wax poetic about it so they don't feel like they got taken, or at least so other people don't think they go around blowing money on garbage.

Anyway, I hate that shit. If it sucks, say it sucks. If you gambled with your money and it didn't work out, then maybe say something about it so maybe someone else won't do the same thing?? I don't know. All I know is that I have bought my own fair share of stuff that people just go on and on about, and had it suck so bad I wanted to die.

This might be an unpopular post, people, but today I am going to feed Seche Vite and Butter London nail polish to The Pig. I am gonna feed 'em both, cause they aren't expensive enough to be satisfying Pig posts on their own haha.

SECHE VITE

I. Fucking. Hate. Seche. Vite.

If you go online and read stuff about doing manicures, you will undoubtably see everyone and their uncle lining up to suck the Nutella out of Seche Vite's asshole. They just type and type about how great it is until their fingers are bloody stumps. I wouldn't be cheesed if it was actually awesome, but it's not.

It just isn't.

"Oh! You just don't know how to use it!" Shut the hell up. I know how to do my nails. I paint my nails 2-3 times a week. I do my own gel manicures. When I ate my fingers, I would do my own fake nails. Everything a person could do to their fingers, I have been doing for fucking ever.

I was in Baghdad when y'all were in your dad's bag.

When I do my nails, if I can't get at least 3-4 days out of a manicure with standard nail polish, I am not happy. I may change my nails before that, but I like to feel like I don't have to if I don't have time. I want to change them out of capriciousness, not because my shit is looking wack.

Just about every polish and topcoat combo I use, I can finagle 3-4 days of wear out of them, as long as I make sure my cuticles are freshly groomed and I wipe my nails down with isopropyl so the polish doesn't flake off from greasiness.

Every single time I have used Seche Vite, my nails look amazing when I get done. Then, the next day, I wake up and the polish on every single one of my nails has shrank. Not a little bit, like I am looking too hard and just need to get over it. It shrinks from the edge of my nail enough that you can see the free edge all the way across.

Like I said, people will be like "YOU DON'T USE IT RIGHT!! You need to make sure you cap your nail!" I cap my nails. I cap my base coat, my color coat, and my top coat. Every time, whether I use Seche Vite or not.

"You are applying it too thick!" Well, I am applying it as thinly as I can, seeing as it is a gloopy mess.

"You need to put some Seche Restore in it! That will thin it out so it is not gloopy!!" Does anyone else besides me see anything lame and stupid about making your customers buy a second product to fix your horrible formulation?

"You need to just put it on kinda thick when your polish is still wet!" This is the opposite of what that other person was just yelling, so it seems like maybe this crap only works if you do enough magic to it, and say enough prayers.

People are so freaking adamant about it, that I feel like there is something wrong with ME. So I keep trying. I keep trying and following whatever advice I heard most recently, and every time I wake up to a shrunken manicure, and I just rage out. I even tried not using it on regular manicures, and just using it as a topcoat on my Sally Hansen strips, and this shit shrank those, too.

If you need to romance it to get it to work, or you need to buy something to add to it to make it work, it's just not that good of a product. End of story. Use just about anything else. I am particularly fond of Sally Hansen Insta-Dri. Cheap, works every time, and I don't have to doctor it up with anything or perform any rituals to make it work. It gets gloopy when you've used it halfway down, but it's cheap as hell and you've done your nails a billion times by time that's happened. If you want it mad shiny like Seche Vite, just do another coat.

FEED IT TO THE PIG... we'll call it $5.35, even though it retails for twice that at the drugstore, in the interest of fairness. It is pretty cheap on Amazon. It doesn't matter how cheap you can get it, though, when it sucks a donkey's ass.

BUTTER LONDON NAIL POLISH

They have such good colors. That's how they keep getting me. I see the display of all the pretty colors, and I get suckered in. I got suckered in by "Dosh." I got super-suckered in by "The Black Knight."

So I get these polishes and they are so pretty in the bottle that I just want to put them on immediately. First, they have that weird consistency that 3-free polishes tend to have. No biggie. I know that I can throw some topcoat on and have it look OK. They start getting mucky and gritty around the neck of the bottle by time you paint the last few of your fingers, like maybe they are suspending too much particulate in the base or something, but again, no biggie. It's pretty! I can make it work!

Here is where I can't make it work... it doesn't just chip. It chips off in one giant piece, the exact size and shape of the nail it chipped off. The whole paint job on a finger will just fly off like some kind of nightmare cornflake, from such rough-and-tumble activities as getting a coffee mug out of the cabinet, or loading the dishwasher while you are wearing kitchen gloves. I have never had that happen with any other polish I have ever used, except this brand.

At first, I thought it might be because it is 3-free... maybe one of those toxic things they so helpfully removed was something that makes polish work?? No dice. Since then, I've used other 3-free polishes, like POPbeauty and Illamasqua, and they are totally fine. They have the weird consistency thing going on, but they go on well, and look nice once you put your topcoat on. Then, they even stay on your fingers!

I was at Ulta the other day, looking at this happy horseshit, and the saleslady came up and was all "Ohhh, isn't that polish so pretty?" and I was all, "Yeah, but I really hate this polish. It is the worst." Then she was all "Ohhhh, I think the thing with the Butter London polish is that you have to use their base coat and topcoat or they just aren't that good." Maybe she was trying to sell me more shit, but if that is the line they are feeding people, they need to hang it up. There is absolutely zero reason you should buy a bottle of polish for $14 and have it not work. $14 polish is a treat that should just make itself a part of your polish collection and be nice to use. It is ludicrous to suggest that you need the $17 base coat and $17 topcoat as well. Suddenly your little $14 treat turns into a $48 treat, and what if it still sucks? What then? Then you're the mark, and you just got took.

You want a treat? There is a host of $10 to $20 polishes that work beautifully, like a fancy and expensive polish should. My personal favorite is Illamasqua, because their colors are awesome, their formula is awesome, and the finish on it is cool and rubbery if you don't put a topcoat on.

FEED THAT ISH TO THE PIG... feed those stupid $17 base coats and $17 topcoats to it, too, while we're at it. That whole thing is dumb as hell. $14 + $17 + $17 = $48 to The Pig.

In the interest of honesty, I will say that the Butter London cuticle remover IS pretty good. I use it to the bottom and rebuy it, it is definitely one of my staple items. That is probably why the nail polish makes me so mad.