Stuff My Girlfriend Yells

This site is moving back to http://stuffmygirlfriendyells.tumblr.com/ — Please change any...

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 11:29:23 +0100

This site is moving back to http://stuffmygirlfriendyells.tumblr.com/ — Please change any bookmarks yeah?

"Animal collective can FUCK OFF. (pause) That is all."

Sat, 12 Jun 2010 20:05:51 +0100

“Animal collective can FUCK OFF. (pause) That is all.”

- My girlfriend speaks the truth.

"God what is that noise? Is that what birds sound like in South Africa?"

Fri, 11 Jun 2010 20:01:03 +0100

“God what is that noise? Is that what birds sound like in South Africa?”

- My girlfriend on the constant bee-like buzzing sound coming from football fans (or, who/what…?) in attendance at the Uruguay v France match.

Hey Girlfriend!

I'm a Canadian who is thinking about moving to the UK. I'm just sick of Canada's lack of history and culture and want to go back to the mother country, as it were. Do you have any thoughts? Suggestions? Rants?

Itchy Feet

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 00:22:50 +0100

Yeah, pick a better mother country. Canada has lots of history and culture. If that’s your attitude, leave. We don’t need that kind of bullshit clogging up the health care system.

Enjoy yourself in the UK, where the only history you’re going to learn about is the war. Always the fucking war. So if you’re looking for history that goes back further than 1939, well, you aren’t going to find it here.

And as for culture, I don’t know about you but I can’t think of anything greater in society than ripped up leggings and half-smoked cigarettes poking out from vomit on the pavement in the morning. If you looks closely, it almost looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Keep this post handy, Itchy Feet, for it will serve as a useful reference a year down the line.

Hello,
I just stumbled upon your website and found it pretty funny until I noticed all the ignorant comments that the girlfriend says. In some aspects, she seems to be quite intelligent so I was wondering why she sometimes says rather ignorant things?

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 00:22:49 +0100

Like?

Yo' GF,
Your thoughts on some of the phrases I live by please.
- What's the difference between true love and herpes? Herpes lasts forever.
- Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.
- For every gorgeous woman out there, there is a man sick and bored to death of fucking her.
Avoid the Noid.
Smart in Somewhere.

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 23:52:49 +0100

I have two questions. Number one, why are you living in 1971 Idaho? Number two, no, just no. (shakes her hands)

"It’s as if someone took a piss in my mom’s gene pool."

Sun, 06 Jun 2010 23:49:19 +0100

“It’s as if someone took a piss in my mom’s gene pool.”

- My girlfriend yells at her computer about how a particular Facebook profile photo looks like an ugly version of her.

Hey Girlfriend,
Straight haters always barking on 'bout Quebec getting it's singularity on, but what do you think would happen if the US and Canada decided to become one country? Super tight or Epic FAIL? Opposites attract maybe? Incest? How's it play you mads meteorologist proud sister?

Mad Respect.

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:24:37 +0000

Hey Mad,

You’ve brought up the straight haters so let’s get some shit s.t.r.a.i.g.h.t. up in here. Straight haters need to come up for some air so first things, first: they need to take their pudge-faced heads out of their ass and take a deep breath from the cup o’ diversity, because only a fucking taint-face would have a problem with Quebec. What the fuck kind of person would have a problem with a province where people speak avec accent, the smokes and drink be plentiful, there are about 40 fine establishments named “Le Sex” and their provincial mascot is a bad-ass snowman motherfucker who lives with a bunch of virgins in his ice castle?! The original habitants of Quebec were about 400 of the French king’s best whores and “runners of the wood”, who could chop down pine trees with their fucking teeth and would make Hacksaw Jim Duggan look like the wet cumpatch.

The point here is that if it wasn’t for the Quebecois and all the subsequent crazy immigrants dancing up their genes with the Natives into one big chromosome orgy, Canada would a white protestant crazy mess. Sound familiar?

FAST FORWARD TO THE U S OF A. So let’s get the second things, second: You can’t spell USA without the A and I’m no doctor, but A is for Assface. What would happen if the US and Canada would become one country? IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN because you wrote “country” not “CUNTry”. The last time this was tried, it didn’t end too well for the Yankees, with their presidential residence being burned in a fury of mighty fire and cheap rum. Ever wonder why the White House be white? This is why school is divided into grades - you can’t put the special needs kids together with the grad students.

That would be like putting a sophisticated, multi-lingual hot lady with a great sense of humour with a hysterical high-talkin’ frat boy sticking his dick in places where it shouldn’t be stuck. Incest? More like a ball massacre. The sister lady would have her eyes roll so hard she’d go into epileptic shock and while she was on the floor convulsing, the frat boy would try to stick his dink in her eyes. Upon recovery (b/c girlfriend has free health care) and out of sheer horror at the situation, sister lady would act like it was a big funny joke, quietly take off her stiletto and snowshoe (because she rocks one of each) and slam the heel through fat boy’s ass so hard that it comes out his beer gut. Using the snowshoe, she’d then call upon the Quebecois legacy, hack of his balls and feed them to him so that the next time he shits, he shits his own balls.

EPIC FAIL, N’EST FUCKING PAS?

Yelling GF

"Just think of how funny Louisiana would have been if it wasn’t paved over with gut fat."

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 11:01:49 +0000

“Just think of how funny Louisiana would have been if it wasn’t paved over with gut fat.”

- My girlfriend on the socio-economic development of the North American “bayou” region.

"To ‘agree to disagree’ just means you are an asstard and I’m tired of yelling at..."

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 20:06:02 +0000

“To ‘agree to disagree’ just means you are an asstard and I’m tired of yelling at you.”

- My girlfriend on diplomacy.

Dear GF,

Your many eloquent yells must surely take a toll on your throat. How do you keep your larynx in shape in order to achieve the most optimum yell?

Cheers,
Inquisitive in Islington

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 19:04:38 +0000

Dear I-in-I,

I find that balance is the key to all things in life, and that includes expressing rage. In my yelling experience, I find that the trick is actually to only yell your first thought. Get ‘em hooked and state your case. So the pressure’s on a bit to make sure your first yell is all-commanding. A bit like Cobra Commander, but without the the reptiles and asswipe GI Joe.

Once you’ve cut through the garbage with your yell, proceed in a scary rageful hiss. The thinking is dual:

This will give your throat a chance to rest, building up to a thundering crescendo for your yelling finale
People will think you really mean fucking business when you express pure rage with a terrifying whisper

Don’t forget - yelling is more of a state of mind than anything else. There are those that can be loud, but can never truly bring it.

Yours in Throaty Health,

Yelling GF

"John McCain deserves to burn in hell for unleashing this Alaskan crazifest on the world."

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 12:34:20 +0000

“John McCain deserves to burn in hell for unleashing this Alaskan crazifest on the world.”

- My girlfriend on Sarah Palin.

"What’s wrong with that girl?? Oh. She’s blind."

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:22:55 +0000

“What’s wrong with that girl?? Oh. She’s blind.”

- My girlfriend comments on a Q.I. contestant, recognizing her mistake shortly thereafter.

"Violence is not the answer, but it is AN answer. And when nobody is listening, you’ll do..."

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:02:09 +0000

“Violence is not the answer, but it is AN answer. And when nobody is listening, you’ll do anything to be heard. Maybe if you were listening I wouldn’t have to scream - WITH MY GUN!”

- My girlfriend on why “you can’t be committed to non-violence during the most violent time in history”

"I only speak the truth…a form of truth…I speak in truthful lies."

Sun, 28 Feb 2010 17:58:31 +0000

“I only speak the truth…a form of truth…I speak in truthful lies.”

- My girlfriend on propaganda.

"God! Why didn’t I think of doing this?! I can rant for days about the English."

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:40:18 +0000

“God! Why didn’t I think of doing this?! I can rant for days about the English.”

- My girlfriend on our recent discovery of this gem of a site: http://englishpeoplelike.com/

"Don’t try to out yell a yeller, or I’ll old yeller you."

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 23:15:29 +0000

“Don’t try to out yell a yeller, or I’ll old yeller you.”

- My girlfriend dishes out a threat.

"DOO doo doo doo. DOO doo doo doo…. Doo do-doo dooOOO do-doooOOO. Slanket!"

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 23:35:55 +0000

“DOO doo doo doo. DOO doo doo doo…. Doo do-doo dooOOO do-doooOOO. Slanket!”

- My girlfriend, while I was researching the differences between Snuggies and Slankets, starts singing to the tune of the “Charge!” song you might hear at baseball games or hockey matches.

Dear GF,
I love your yelling. It speaks what I can't. But tell me, why do you yell? How do you yell? Where did/does the yell come from? What is the yell? How can you promise me you'll never stop yellage?
Wounds Lanced in Lansing, MI

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 20:42:09 +0000

Dear Wounds,

Thanks for bleedin’ on down this way. My yelling speaks for many, nay, ALL. Why do I yell? Sheeeet, the real question is, why don’t YOU yell. YOU CAN DO IT, FRIEND! My yelling comes from an unhealthy combination of disgust/exasperation/rage at the state of stupid in our world. That’s stoopid, with two “oo”s. It is sprinkled with a dash of indignation by the fact that NO ONE ELSE IS YELLING. It only makes me yell LOUDER.

I yell with a strong voice, either fired at the television or while giving cock-eye to my fellow man. Always with some sort of finger gesture. It helps to direct anger. I suggest you try this technique at home first. Legend has it that I sprang from the womb a-yelling and it never stopped. As long as there are fucking morons in the world, I promise the yelling will not cease.

Keep it loud, Yelling GF

Dear Yelling GF,
I've been dating this girl for some time now, and most everything is pretty great, except.... She has always been very tender, but one the third time we had sex, she grabbed me by the throat and and choked the shit out of me. She can't get off without me passing out but didn't want to tell me earlier for risk of scaring me. I went along at first but now I freaked and she says me choking her is abuse. Is this unfair? I'm not sexually experienced so I don't know if this is normal. Please help.
Gasping in Guernsey

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:25:23 +0000

Dear Gasping,

You’re gonna do a lot more gasping — for pussy — unless we figure this shit out. So you’re inexperienced. Here’s a tip: there’s some crazy bitches out there and crazy bitches like crazy bitch things in bed. This isn’t a problem, if you’re up for it. So you’ve got to decide: do you want normal bitch or do you want crazy bitch?

Now, choking is not that is not that uncommon under the crazy bitch umbrella of requests. It’s not like she’s asking you to fuck while the dog watches. She wants to choke you. You okay with it? Good, fine, it’s not abuse. NOT okay with it? You tell that bitch to fuck off.

You want to choke HER all of a sudden — what’s that all about? If you spring this shit on her and she’s all up for it, then go crazy with your buck wild choking. But if she’s not okay with it, you’ll have to find yourself an even CRAZIER bitch.

Moral of this story? It’s only abuse if the other person isn’t going to come from it.