Stuff My Girlfriend Yells

"To ‘agree to disagree’ just means you are an asstard and I’m tired of yelling at..."

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 20:06:02 +0000

“To ‘agree to disagree’ just means you are an asstard and I’m tired of yelling at you.”

- My girlfriend on diplomacy.

Dear GF,

Your many eloquent yells must surely take a toll on your throat. How do you keep your larynx in shape in order to achieve the most optimum yell?

Cheers,
Inquisitive in Islington

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 19:04:38 +0000

Dear I-in-I,

I find that balance is the key to all things in life, and that includes expressing rage. In my yelling experience, I find that the trick is actually to only yell your first thought. Get ‘em hooked and state your case. So the pressure’s on a bit to make sure your first yell is all-commanding. A bit like Cobra Commander, but without the the reptiles and asswipe GI Joe.

Once you’ve cut through the garbage with your yell, proceed in a scary rageful hiss. The thinking is dual:

This will give your throat a chance to rest, building up to a thundering crescendo for your yelling finale
People will think you really mean fucking business when you express pure rage with a terrifying whisper

Don’t forget - yelling is more of a state of mind than anything else. There are those that can be loud, but can never truly bring it.

Yours in Throaty Health,

Yelling GF

"John McCain deserves to burn in hell for unleashing this Alaskan crazifest on the world."

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 12:34:20 +0000

“John McCain deserves to burn in hell for unleashing this Alaskan crazifest on the world.”

- My girlfriend on Sarah Palin.

"What’s wrong with that girl?? Oh. She’s blind."

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:22:55 +0000

“What’s wrong with that girl?? Oh. She’s blind.”

- My girlfriend comments on a Q.I. contestant, recognizing her mistake shortly thereafter.

"Violence is not the answer, but it is AN answer. And when nobody is listening, you’ll do..."

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:02:09 +0000

“Violence is not the answer, but it is AN answer. And when nobody is listening, you’ll do anything to be heard. Maybe if you were listening I wouldn’t have to scream - WITH MY GUN!”

- My girlfriend on why “you can’t be committed to non-violence during the most violent time in history”

"I only speak the truth…a form of truth…I speak in truthful lies."

Sun, 28 Feb 2010 17:58:31 +0000

“I only speak the truth…a form of truth…I speak in truthful lies.”

- My girlfriend on propaganda.

"God! Why didn’t I think of doing this?! I can rant for days about the English."

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:40:18 +0000

“God! Why didn’t I think of doing this?! I can rant for days about the English.”

- My girlfriend on our recent discovery of this gem of a site: http://englishpeoplelike.com/

"Don’t try to out yell a yeller, or I’ll old yeller you."

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 23:15:29 +0000

“Don’t try to out yell a yeller, or I’ll old yeller you.”

- My girlfriend dishes out a threat.

"DOO doo doo doo. DOO doo doo doo…. Doo do-doo dooOOO do-doooOOO. Slanket!"

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 23:35:55 +0000

“DOO doo doo doo. DOO doo doo doo…. Doo do-doo dooOOO do-doooOOO. Slanket!”

- My girlfriend, while I was researching the differences between Snuggies and Slankets, starts singing to the tune of the “Charge!” song you might hear at baseball games or hockey matches.

Dear GF,
I love your yelling. It speaks what I can't. But tell me, why do you yell? How do you yell? Where did/does the yell come from? What is the yell? How can you promise me you'll never stop yellage?
Wounds Lanced in Lansing, MI

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 20:42:09 +0000

Dear Wounds,

Thanks for bleedin’ on down this way. My yelling speaks for many, nay, ALL. Why do I yell? Sheeeet, the real question is, why don’t YOU yell. YOU CAN DO IT, FRIEND! My yelling comes from an unhealthy combination of disgust/exasperation/rage at the state of stupid in our world. That’s stoopid, with two “oo”s. It is sprinkled with a dash of indignation by the fact that NO ONE ELSE IS YELLING. It only makes me yell LOUDER.

I yell with a strong voice, either fired at the television or while giving cock-eye to my fellow man. Always with some sort of finger gesture. It helps to direct anger. I suggest you try this technique at home first. Legend has it that I sprang from the womb a-yelling and it never stopped. As long as there are fucking morons in the world, I promise the yelling will not cease.

Keep it loud, Yelling GF

Dear Yelling GF,
I've been dating this girl for some time now, and most everything is pretty great, except.... She has always been very tender, but one the third time we had sex, she grabbed me by the throat and and choked the shit out of me. She can't get off without me passing out but didn't want to tell me earlier for risk of scaring me. I went along at first but now I freaked and she says me choking her is abuse. Is this unfair? I'm not sexually experienced so I don't know if this is normal. Please help.
Gasping in Guernsey

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:25:23 +0000

Dear Gasping,

You’re gonna do a lot more gasping — for pussy — unless we figure this shit out. So you’re inexperienced. Here’s a tip: there’s some crazy bitches out there and crazy bitches like crazy bitch things in bed. This isn’t a problem, if you’re up for it. So you’ve got to decide: do you want normal bitch or do you want crazy bitch?

Now, choking is not that is not that uncommon under the crazy bitch umbrella of requests. It’s not like she’s asking you to fuck while the dog watches. She wants to choke you. You okay with it? Good, fine, it’s not abuse. NOT okay with it? You tell that bitch to fuck off.

You want to choke HER all of a sudden — what’s that all about? If you spring this shit on her and she’s all up for it, then go crazy with your buck wild choking. But if she’s not okay with it, you’ll have to find yourself an even CRAZIER bitch.

Moral of this story? It’s only abuse if the other person isn’t going to come from it.

"Yeah it’ll be funny, especially if people start asking me legitimate questions. I’ll be..."

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 17:17:00 +0000

“Yeah it’ll be funny, especially if people start asking me legitimate questions. I’ll be like a twisted Dear Abby.”

- My girlfriend on the fact that people can now ask questions by visiting: http://www.stuffmygirlfriendyells.com/ask

"I mean these guys were flaming, no, anally gay, and…"

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 21:12:40 +0000

“I mean these guys were flaming, no, anally gay, and…”

- My girlfriend begins a story.

leannbailey: I miss you. “What, you miss setting little...

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 21:09:51 +0000

leannbailey: I miss you.

“What, you miss setting little black girls on fire?”

"Alabama, Mississippi — mirror images of each other: two sides of the same gross."

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 13:28:48 +0000

“Alabama, Mississippi — mirror images of each other: two sides of the same gross.”

- My girlfriend on the gems of the southern United States.

"Being a diplomat gets you nowhere, except up someone’s ass."

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 13:28:49 +0000

“Being a diplomat gets you nowhere, except up someone’s ass.”

- My girlfriend on what some have considered a noble professional.

"Hey what!? That’s a run-on sentence! When I yell, I use PROPER punctuation. You can HEAR that..."

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 13:28:48 +0000

“Hey what!? That’s a run-on sentence! When I yell, I use PROPER punctuation. You can HEAR that exclamation mark!”

- My girlfriend, the grammarian.

"You better start posting; you’re only makin’ me yell louder!"

Sun, 17 Jan 2010 13:25:00 +0000

“You better start posting; you’re only makin’ me yell louder!”

- My girlfriend on the shortage of new yell blog posts lately.

"Whatever, I have a cold and phlegm is NOT the same thing as wiped ass paper!"

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 10:16:09 +0000

“Whatever, I have a cold and phlegm is NOT the same thing as wiped ass paper!”

- My girlfriend in response to my remark, “You talking about the weird spongy grey stuff coming out of your throat when you cough is about as gross as me talking about the process of wiping my ass.”

"All that’s telling me is guys at Penn State like to fuck bleeding vag. Why don’t you..."

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 19:35:35 +0000

“All that’s telling me is guys at Penn State like to fuck bleeding vag. Why don’t you just put j-cloth on the end of your dick, do two things at once? Dammit!”

- My girlfriend in reaction to this quote from This American Life.