Stupid Crazy Customers

New Rule: No Bar Code? It Must Be Free

2012-09-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

Or, the alternative, “It won’t scan, it must be free!” joke. We’re banning that phrase. It’s old, repetitive and wasn’t even funny the first time it was utter. I’m assuming it was whispered among cave men thousands of years ago, while they were hiding in the bushes stalking a prey. They see a delicious cheetah crawl by and one caveman ughs to the other “Ooo, no bar code, means free, zug zug.” And that was the only instance in which it actually was free, assuming they caught it (I hear those things are kind of fast.). So, I guess what I’m trying to say is if you find stuff in the wild with no bar code, it’s yours. Oh and stop telling that old joke.

Computer Condom

2012-09-28T13:42:00.002-07:00

“I need a condom for my computer.” The decrepit lady said, showing me her toothless grin.

“So, would you need Extra Large or something bigger? I’m not even sure we carry condoms here at Wal-Mart. You’d think we’d keep them next to the liquor and baby aisles but we don’t.

“I mean I need protection for my computer. Always good to use protection.”

It only makes sense that we take care of our replaceable computers better than our permanent teeth now, doesn’t it?

People Striking For More Favorable Wages and Living Conditions? Ridiculous!

2012-09-27T18:30:00.002-07:00

“Excuse me, I’d like to file a complaint.” Figures something would come up. Things were going a bit too smoothly today.

“Sure,” I say. “What’s the complaint?”

“I called you guys and asked if you have the iphone 5.”

“We don’t. we only got 5 in stock last week and Apple hasn’t sent any more to us.”

“But the person on the phone said you did.”

“That person was mistaken, unfortunately. I’m sorry. I believe we’ve been having supply problems with iphone 5s because the Foxconn workers that make them in China went on strike for better wages and living conditions.”

“This is ridiculous!”

“I know. Can you imagine working all day and barely earning any money and living in terrible living conditions. How horrible.”

“No, I mean how ridiculous that Apple can’t find someone else to make iphone 5s for them. It’s only the biggest product of the year.” Ah yes, how silly of me to put the concerns of humans above that of our electronic gadgets. Hopefully Derp-Mart doesn’t find out otherwise I might lose my job. “I want to talk to your manager!” She says, pointing at me with her archaic iphone 4S, a phone so old that she should be classified as a senior citizen and qualify for medicare and social security. So, naturally I get my manager over and guess what the manager said. If you answered: “The exact same thing you said” then you win an iphony 5. It’s like an iphone 5 only imaginary.

Oh, Of Course It HAS to be the White Iphone 4S

2012-09-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

“Hi, do you have any iphone 4S in stock?”

“Let me check…” Runs over to the iphone cabinet unlocks the two locks, looks inside, sees two black iphones with Verizon and AT&T. Locks the cabinets back up, runs back to the phone. “Yep, we’ve got em with both AT&T and Verizon. No Sprint though.”

“Oh, I meant to ask for the white iphone 4S, it’s gotta be white.” Of course, it has to be white. After all, Black is so ugly. It only matches almost every other computer appliance.

“Let me check again.” Runs over to the cabinet again, unlocks both locks again and rummages through the stock to make sure we have a white iphone 4S for both AT&T and Verizon. We do. Locks the cabinet back up again and runs over to the phone…again. “Yep, we have white for both AT&T and Verizon…hello…hello?” Note to self: Just say we don’t have it.

Plasma is a POS

2012-09-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

“Excuse me,” 4 days in and I already hate those two words. Why can’t a customer ever ask me out? “I asked someone for a TV and they went back to go get it and haven’t come back yet.”

“Really? I’m sorry. When did they go back?”

“About 3 minutes ago.” OMG, somebody call the cops. Someone’s been gone for 3 whole minutes. “Can you go tell her that I don’t want the 32in TV anymore? I want the 40in.”

So, I run back told the worker who went back, who happened to be my boss. We didn’t have it the TV he wanted and she asked me if he still wanted the 32in. So I ran back and told him. “Ah ok, well I still don’t want that TV.” Cue running back to tell the boss that he doesn’t want it. Run back.

“I want this TV right here, since there’s the box right here.” He said pointing to another 42in.

“The plasma?!” I asked. He confirmed that’s what he wanted. So I grabbed the TV rang it up for him. Got it paid. I grabbed a cart to place the TV on and told him I’d meet him in the front. I asked my associate to watch the TV while I went for the cart.

“He wants the plasma?!” my senior citizen associate exclaims. “Plasma is a piece of shit!” I kid you not, she actually said that. And it made my day. So, I take the TV out to the man’s car, which he happened to park in the Disabled Parking Spot. A healthy Asian who can’t be older than his 30s, completely well and walking fine with no indication on his car that he was authorized to park there, no wonder he was in such a hurry to get out.

“Ok,” I tell him, just after loading his TV into the car. “Because you bought a plasma, it’s extremely important that you don’t” *ring ring ring*

“Hello?” the customer says, answering the phone. He proceeds to speak Asianese into the phone for the next 5 minutes, clearly whatever he’s talking about is far more important than ensuring that his TV doesn’t get ruined and he comes back to us to complain. Oh well. His loss.

Blah Blah Blah. Blah Blah, Blah.

2012-09-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

"Excuse me." A customer calls my attention despite the fact that I clearly look busy but whatever, that's what I'm paid for, to be inconvenienced all the time. "I just got this new cable box. I used to have cable a long time ago but I got rid of it a couple of years ago. I was poor at the time so it was either get rid of cable or get rid of my internet and I really like my internet. I mean, I can always watch TV shows online, right? But you can't browse the web on your TV, at least not without internet. So, I got rid of my cable and signed up for Netflix, which is great because I can just watch all my favorite shows in a row when they're posted. Instead of only getting one episode at a time, you know? I hated that, especially when a show is in two-parts or ends in a cliffhanger. I mean, I gotta know what happens, I can't take this suspense. Anyway, so I got cable again and it came with this new cable box. I was able to connect my internet and cable into it but my cable cord is way too long, I think it's 15 feet. Could be 20 or even 30. But I'm pretty sure I bought a 15 footer. I'm not too good at measuring things out with just my eyes, I really need a ruler or a measuring tape. But I was wondering if you had guys had a splitter."
"We sure do, it's in our TV accessories section."

You Should Know Where That Is

2012-09-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

Second day on the job, they had me training up in the front on the cash registers, just in case they ever need to pull us up to the front to help (which I sincerely hope they never do for me and they probably won't since electronics is so busy all the time). So, I was training under one of the nicest ladies ever. Actually, most Derp-Mart workers are nice, especially the grandmas we employ. (I suspect they constantly pump in ecstasy through the air-conditioning or put anti-depressants in our water.).Things actually went pretty smoothly. Didn't even get one of those "It didn't scan, it must be free" comments that we tend to murder people over. Aside from a fossil using a check to pay for her things (which should be illegal in 2012. The check thing, I mean, not the paying for stuff.).
"Excuse me!" A young mother said, just as I was thinking nothing stupid was going to happen today. "This diaper bag has a hole in it." She said pointing to a hole so small I probably wouldn't have been able to see it if she didn't point it out. "You guys covered over it with tape. Why would you do that?"
"I'm pretty sure it's to prevent the hole from getting bigger, since just a small one can lead to a bigger one. Kind of like when you cut fabric with scissors, just a small cut will let you tear..."
"Yeah, ok. Can you go back and exchange it with another one for me."
Sure, I'll just leave my busy post so you don't have to be inconvenienced with walking back to the store to grab another product you want. I looked over to my trainer and she said it was ok for me to go. "I got it from the baby section." No, I thought it came from the alcohol section, since that's clearly the product that led to your kid's conception. Also, note to Derp-Mart. Putting diapers near the alcohol, perfect reminder for birth-control. "You should know where that section is." Oh, of course. Because I’m a 24 year old Black guy, I must obviously know where the baby aisle is. I probably have a dozen kids by now. Though, if we’re going to use stereotypes, wouldn't I have abandoned them all for more women?

We Must Have It

2012-09-27T07:59:00.001-07:00

"I'm looking for ____ printer cartridge." Says the woman to my associate behind me. In an effort to not be racist, I won't say what her race is but we're all thinking the same race right? No, she wasn't Asian, Chris. I can see now why you barely passed high school.
"I'm sorry, we don't carry that in stock anymore." My coworker replied.
"Hold on, let me call my son real quick to explain to him. Don't go anywhere." *cue 5 minute phone conversation with my co-worker just standing there. "My son says you guys must have it because he just saw it here!"
"What? When did he see it?"
"Two months ago."
Given her age, I'm sure two months ago would classify as "just saw it". The more I work at Derp-Mart the more I realize how stupid politicians get elected.

Why Not Just Sell Me The Display?

2012-09-26T19:17:00.003-07:00

"We want to buy this laptop." a burly man shopping with his either extremely young wife or daughter told me.
"Sure thing. Let me just get the keys." I said in a voice so cheery it should earn me a raise. I grabbed the keys from another Derp-Mart associate and open the cabinet only to discover that we're all out of that laptop.
"Sorry, we're all out." I apologized. "Is there another laptop you're interested in?"
"Can you sell us the display?" The woman asked.
"I can't."
"Why not?" The man asked, stepping forward. "Just ask the manufacture to send you a new one."
"It's for decoration only. The displays don't have bar codes for us to scan." I explained.
"So?!"
They may not have bar codes but displays still make great bludgeoning objects. Or at least they would if they weren't tied down.

Edit: It has come to my attention from a actual customer that you CAN buy the display items. Oops.

I Want To Speak To Your Manager

2012-09-26T19:11:00.001-07:00

"Hi Ma'am, can I help you?" I ask.
"Yeah, I want to buy a cellphone with a plan."
"_____ over there by the busy register is the only person qualified to deal with cellphone plans." I replied, pointed over to the far left register.
"You or anyone else can't do it?"
"Nope."
"I want to speak to your manager!"
I point to the guy next to me who just happened to be the manager.
"_____ is the only person qualified to sell cellphones with plans." The manager told her.

Computer, Register, Same Thing

2012-09-26T19:07:00.001-07:00

"If you can bring your items over here, I'll check you out." I said waiving the woman to bring her cart around to the register near me.
"Why can't you check me out right here?" She complained pointing to the monitor next to her.
"Because that's not a register, it's a computer."

So Much For Being The Best Customers

2012-09-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

"Hey, did you get an SD card for a customer?" I was asked.
"Yep. I don't have the keys though, I gave it back to ____."
"That's not it. Whenever we get an item for a customer that's locked away, we take it up to the register to make sure they don't steal it."
"The $15 SD card? They steal those."
" Yeah, they steal all types of products, no matter the price." She explained.
"Well you need to get in touch with the training coordinators because they've been telling all the new hires that our customers are the best."
Her: ಠ_ಠ

Layaway

2012-09-26T18:21:00.003-07:00

"Why can't I put this item on layaway?" A black woman asks. Why is she black, you say? Because God made her that way.
"We have a $50 limit on items to be put on layaway. Things need to cost either $50 with tax or more." I reply.
"I should be able to put this on layaway, it's only $30!" She snapped back.
Yes, it is only $30. Do you even listen to yourself?!

Why Would You Want To Deter Stealing?

2012-09-26T18:17:00.004-07:00

"What's this thing?" A customer asks, pointing to the black wires we put around our products.
"Oh, those are called spiders. We put them around our products to deter stealing." I answer.
"Why would you want to do that?" He replied.
Yes, why would we want to do that? I can't imagine why, it's not like Derp-Mart is in business to make money or anything. If I ever open a store, I'm going to permit the slapping of customers who ask stupid questions.

Narcissism

2012-09-25T22:14:00.002-07:00

I haven't run into this yet but I saw a training video where this happened so I'm going to assume that everything I saw happened at one point because if it hadn't Derp-Mart wouldn't have wasted money making a video training people to avoid it. You might think that customers of Derp-Mart are from the lower backside of society and you're right, they are. But they tend to be narcissists, as impossible as this may seem. You see, in this video a man walked into the store and came to a worker who was standing around buried in paperwork. After stopping for a fraction of a second, he soldiered on forward, shaking his head. At first I thought he was saying "This poor bitch, doing all this work for so little money" but then he shook his head again a short time later when a worker walked out of an aisle, pulling a large cart of products. He then turns to the camera and says that he spends a lot of money at Derp-Mart and he wants to be appreciated. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know God visited Derp-Mart. Forgive me, O' Omniscient One. Next time I'll cup your balls. And I'll be sure to bring my knee pads so I can stay down longer. Maybe we can meet each other half way. You have an ego that needs stroking and I have a hand that needs to be oiled with cash before it can work.

New Rule: Self-Control

2012-09-25T21:59:00.003-07:00

I won't make a habit of so many new rules, since I imagine you customers have a hard time learning (you are shopping at Derp-Mart for once.) but we really need to do away with the layaways. The process of putting one product, and this includes any products from your $1000 to your stupid $25 gift, is just too tedious. We spend far too much time getting your gift registered into trailers (yes, huge trailers that can house illegal aliens and probably do for all seasons aside from Christmas). And all this work is useless in the age of credit, since you can just put it on credit and pay it off. Ok, yes, interest, you're too smart to pay those clowns extra money. Well here's a novel idea, why don't you try saving up? It's like layaway but you're just putting your money into a pillow case (or piggy bank if you want to be fancy) as opposed to driving down to Derp-Mart to pay your bill. And with the money you save not driving, you can put towards buying what you wanted. See, I'm saving you money already. You can thank me by not putting things on layaway and, if possible, not talking to me.

New Rule: Patience

2012-09-25T21:51:00.004-07:00

Ok, I know how much you customers hate rule since bossing around Derp-Mart workers is the only time you'll have any modicum of power outside of raising children (which, given your intelligence level, should really be taken away ) but this rule needs to be made. If you're going to ask me to check in the back to see if we have an item you're obligated to wait until I get back before leaving. Yes, I know you think I forgot about you but I'm required to check for things you ask for, even if I think we don't have it. And IT TAKES TIME! It's just on the other side of the wall. Well, it is. But it's behind a cage that's locked and only ONE person has the key, one busy person. So, as you can tell, it will take some time to just check, much less get it for you. Seriously, after spending 15 minutes checking to see if the thing you want is there or not, at least be here for my reply. Who knows, I might have it. And then you can make me do more work in order to sell it to you and I know you get off on making me work harder than I need to.

Recession? What Recession?

2012-09-25T21:41:00.002-07:00

“Hey, you sold me the wrong one!” Oh crap, here we go. “You sold me a wireless headset” The mother said. “My son wanted a wired one.” The only thing she said was that he didn’t want the $160 one because he already had that one. “I’m so sorry,” I replied. “Lets get your son that $80 headset that isn’t wireless.” Because you haven’t spent enough money on him yet. Seriously, $240 on xbox live headsets so her stupid over-indulged son, who didn’t even have the balls to come to the store himself, can talk to people who don’t want to talk to him back. Recession? What Recession?

Jewish Stereotype

2012-09-24T14:36:00.002-07:00

Stereotypes exist for a reason and it was certainly proven true to me yesterday. Or, at least the Jewish one was (that they're ~~cheap~~ frugal, not that they have big noses though that was true too.).

This elderly Jewish couple came in yesterday ("How did you know they were Jewish?" who else would be so stingy with money? Chinese?) to complain. The man picked out a movie from the $5 bin and was outraged at discovering that it was mistakenly placed there (most likely by a customer since those douches never put things back in the right place.) What was the actual price of the movie? Surely it must've been $20 or at least $15, right? Nope, it was an outrageous price of $7.50. How dare we try and rip off the elderly with such an expensive movie?! (Seriously, it's a measly $2.50 extra. There are things at McDonald's that are more expensive.) I guess he wanted that extra $2.5 more than he wanted the movie.

So, lest you think he came all the way back just to complain (though I'm certain some customers actually do that, since they clearly have nothing better to do than waste my time), they went on to complain about our TV prices. "These TVs cost a lot more here than they do at K-Mart!" (I guess they assumed that since both stores end in Mart, they must obviously be owned by the same person, right? "And why don't you carry more TVs with DVD players built into them?" I don't know, probably because they give away players for free in cereal boxes at this point? Who is jonesing for a DVD player at this point? We had two extra ones just lying around back in my old place and that's not even counting all the computers and video games systems. There were more DVD players than there were people and TVs to use them! A wiser man than I (and certainly one that would risk losing their job talking back to the customers) would've pointed out that if they felt adventurous enough, they could go dumpster diving just about anywhere and find one or maybe even ask around. I bet there's plenty of people who are willing to give your their extra ones as long as you pick it up.

Well, we tried to help them. We checked our back just in case we had any in stock (we didn't). Instead of thanking us for spending 15 minutes helping them (and listening to them complain) they instead turned around to the other customers shopping for TVs and informed them to not buy with us but instead go to K-Mart. Which is all fine and dandy by me, we don't get commission on the stuff we sell and getting those TVs for you is a far bigger hassle than you think. By all means, go else where, and never come back. And be sure to tell your friends.