StupidTips

Prison Vs Work

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:35:00 +0000

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON
you get three meals a day FREE

AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON
you get time off for good behaviour.

AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON
you get your own toilet.

AT WORK
you have to share.

Signalman job interview

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:33:00 +0000

Andy wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

The inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

Andy said," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down to the signal box", said Andy. "And use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Andy continued, "I'd run back into signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," perservered Andy, " I'd rush down out of the box and use the PUBLIC emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Brown."

This puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, " Why would you do that???"

"Because he's never seen a train wreck !!"

The FBI interview

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:33:00 +0000

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out.

"Sorry, I can't." he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man comes out of the room and says, "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

Interpreting Employment Ads

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 16:31:00 +0000

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

Engineer in an interview

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:31:00 +0000

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Little heart

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 16:29:00 +0000

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school.

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag.

"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

Infant questions

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 16:28:00 +0000

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

Little minds - pool of doubts

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:26:00 +0000

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.

"The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Kids in school think quick

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 16:27:00 +0000

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;

Help in homework

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:24:00 +0000

Son: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?

Father: No, son, it wouldn't be right.

Son: Well, you could try.

Things I've learned from my children

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:25:00 +0000

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20'x 20' room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush followed by the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Apple turning brown

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:24:00 +0000

A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"

Letter to GOD

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:23:00 +0000

A Little boy wrote a letter to God, asking him for $100.

He addressed to envelope "God", put his return address on it, and dropped it in the corner mailbox.

The postmaster thought this was such a nice gesture from a young child and decided to sent this letter on to President.

President was so touched by the little boy's sincerity that he told his secretary to send the boy $5.

Upon receiving the money, the boy wrote the following thank you letter:

"Dear God-

Thank you for the money. I noticed you sent it through Washington D.C. and of course, they have deducted $95.

Love, Joey"

Dropped the toothbrush

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:22:00 +0000

My son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush, held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

Two mischievous brothers

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:20:00 +0000

Two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it usually turned out they had a hand in it.

Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them, so hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.

The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.

He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

Out of the mouths of babes

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 16:20:00 +0000

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God is doing a lot better job lately."

H I J K L M N O

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:19:00 +0000

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?

DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

Teacher & little boy

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:18:00 +0000

Teacher: Where does God live?

Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.

Teacher: Why do you say that?

Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says,
'God, are you still in there?'

36 hours in transit

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:17:00 +0000

A lady arrived at the Madras airport after spending 36 hours in transit. She was fully exhausted after such a long trip with her 6 young kids.

Collecting many suitcases, the family entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," the lady said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

A boy

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:13:00 +0000

The boss dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

Boy in thirst

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:14:00 +0000

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad..."

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Praying at bed time

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 16:12:00 +0000

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys kneeled down beside their beds to say their prayers. Suddenly, the youngest boy began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over, nudged his younger brother, and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

The little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Girl about a whale

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 16:08:00 +0000

A girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

By now irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Women's Guide To Male English

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:09:00 +0000

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

It’s a Girl’s World

noreply@blogger.com (Doctor Smart) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:07:00 +0000

If he is late for class,he’s told, “Time and Tide wait for none”.
If she is late,then the bus was late.

If a girl is dressed as a boy,she is modern,says the world.
But if a boy is dressed as a girl,”Has he escaped from the Zoo?”

If a boy talks with a girl,”I think he is trying for her”
But if a girl talks with a boy,then she is trying to be friendly.

When a girl cries,the world is convinced of her
But when a boy cries,”Come on man:Don’t be a girl”.

If a girl meets with an accident,then it’s the mistake of others.
And if a boy meets with an accident,”I think you should learn to drive”.

If a boy sits in front of a city bus,he is mannerless and cultureless brute.
But if a girl sits in the back seat,”Try to respect ladies,man!”.

If a boy gets a big rank in an entrance exam,”You’ve to work hard”.
But if a girl gets a big rank,… still got 33! Reservation.

If there are girls in a class,the professor gives an interesting lecture,
And if there are no girls,he says,there is no class today.

If a girl does not answer,during a viva,then atleast ‘smile’ says the examiner.
But when a boy does not answer,”better luck next time”.