Sub Par Poetry

Sub Par Songwriting

2014-08-11T08:09:00.001-07:00

Been a while since I've updated this blog. I don't plan to start regularly again anytime in the near future but I was recently working on something that was somewhat on topic. I wrote a song. With music and everything. Actually I wrote the music first then after listening to it a few times found that it kinda sorta reminded me of the Spider-Man theme song from the 60's. So I stole the lyrics and rearranged them a little. Then I did something I never thought I would do. I wrote a rap part. I hate rap. It just seemed to fit though so...

The rap was sorta like poetry and the whole thing is definitely sub-par so here it goes on the blog.

You can listen to it on my SoundCloud account or download it. Here's a link: https://soundcloud.com/jason-talbott-1/spidey-senses-a-tingling

If you decide to click the link, I apologize in advance.

Tailgaters

2012-06-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post Invitational ran a contest where entrants had to use a line from a well known poem then add their own rhyming line to follow it. The results of the contest were posted today and, as usual, there were tons of hilarious entries. The one that tickled me the most was this one, by Brian Allgar, using a William Shakespeare line:

Who will believe my verse, in time to come, (Shakespeare)
Was used for something so completely dumb? (Allgar)

I submitted a few of my own entries to this contest, and while the Washington Post may not have found them print-worthy, nobody can stop me from publishing them on my own blog. :) I'm not sure if I should say "enjoy" or "I'm sorry". Either way, I mean it sincerely:

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright...(W. Blake)
Shoot, I can't spell 'tiger' right. (J. Talbott)

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea (E. Lear)
There's a hole in their boat (cuz they didn't take me). (J. Talbott)

I think that I shall never see (J. Kilmer)
A fork placed right (I've OCD). (J. Talbott)

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary, (E. A. Poe)
I conjured up a brilliant theory,
Then forgot it -- Too much beer-y. (J. Talbott)

Because I could not stop for Death (E. Dickinson)
He chased me, now HE'S out of breath. (J. Talbott)

This is the way the world ends (T.S. Eliot)
With a nuclear blast and filled Depends. (J. Talbott)

Each burning boat in Caesar's rear (H. Melville)
Is wond'ring... how'd I get in here? (J. Talbott)

O Captain! my captain! our fearful trip is done; (W. Whitman)
Then said Picard, "Hey, redshirt, if I were you I'd run!" (J. Talbott)

'Tis better to have loved and lost (Tennyson)
(Now dining out is half the cost). (J. Talbott)

I wandered lonely as a cloud (Wordsworth)
My flatulence dispersed the crowd (J. Talbott)

A Lurker In The Men's Room

2012-04-24T10:57:00.001-07:00

As I was sitting on the pot
I felt a pair of eyes;
I took a glance out through the slot
And much to my surprise,
There was a patch of blue out there
I'd never seen before.
I couldn't make out head or hair
Or shoes upon the floor,
But I could see (about chest high)
What seemed to be a shirt.
There's someone waiting just outside
Which served to disconcert!
I guessed he must have had to go
(Of that, I could relate)
But standing just outside the door
Is not the place to wait.
I wished he'd take a few steps back;
My irritation grew.
Had he no proper sense of tact?
There's some things you don't do!
And so I flushed, with half a mind
To chide him for this gaffe.
I opened up the door to find...
Oh no! I had to laugh.
When I emerged, there was no trace
Of a man with urgent bowels;
The blue was from the plastic case
Dispensing paper towels.

A Chicken Avoids Its Demise

2012-02-27T13:54:00.000-08:00

Posted this on a forum thread called The Chicken's Demise...

We can't harvest the crops, it's too cold out,
So let's butcher the poultry, but hold out
The little red hen,
Put her back in the pen
'Cuz I heard that there bird can poop gold out.

Prolific Day Writing Definitions for OEDILF

2012-02-21T17:54:00.000-08:00

I submitted six new limericks to the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form today, four of which I thought were good. Here are those four (I'll spare you the other two):

Desponsate
I desponsate the lovely Miss Betty.
I think that this means we'll go steady.
No? It means I will marry 'er?
Oh no! That's much scarier!
Hold on, I recant! I'm not ready!

Effortless
Freeing cats is so effortless when
You open the bag and all ten
Fly out screetching, berserk.
It is ten times more work
When you stuff them back in there again.

Entrepreneur
A competent entrepreneur
Made his fortune reselling manure.
You'd think he's a sap
Cuz his business is crap,
But he's richer than both me and you're.

Diffidency
With diffidency Joe spoke his answer,
Sounding sheepishly shy for a prancer.
He's not always this coy;
He's a confident boy,
But just then he was torn (like his pants were).

John Kerry's Accident

2012-01-24T11:08:00.000-08:00

Mr. Kerry was lacing his skates
In the midst of a game with his mates.
Flip-flopping, he cried,
"I shall leave them untied!"
Then he tripped. Sir, your ambulance awaits.

The Real Story at CBS Boston

2012-01-21T23:13:00.000-08:00

Woohoo! My limerick got an honorable mention in the weekly contest at Mad Kane's Humor Blog. http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2012/01/22/limerick-of-the-week-45/

Definition Limericks With a Religious Twist

2012-01-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

Looking through the definitions that I've submitted to OEDILF.com, I noticed that a lot of them centered on religious topics. This wasn't intentional but I do think about religion quite a bit and apparently it comes through when I write. Some of the defined words are specifically religious, others only fit this category because of the way I used them, but my hope is that all are entertaining or thought-provoking in some way.

The first one defines the word Damascene...

Damascene
Ananias, a Damascene, dreamed
He should go and find Saul, who it seemed
Had been blinded and humbled,
And to Straight Street had stumbled.
When An found him, Saul's sight was redeemed.

(DAM-uh-seen): a resident of, or pertaining to, the city of Damascus (also damaskeen or damasken)

You can read this entire account in Acts 9.

Damascene can also mean to ornament with wavy patterns or with inlaid work of precious metals.

disobligement

Disobligement: it means you're released
From a duty. For instance, that priest
Who was told to take leave
After last Christmas Eve
When he preached that the Pope rode the Beast.

Revelation 17 talks more about this Beast and the harlot that rides it. Needless to say, the Pope was not impressed with what the priest had to say.

Damianist
The Damianists say there's just God
And the trinity doctrine is flawed.
They say Father and Son
And the Spirit are One.
I don't think so, that math is just odd!

The Damianists are those who share the beliefs of 6th century Pope Damian of Alexandria. He broke with the mainstream trinitarian belief that God is three distinct persons in one being, in favor of Sabellianism, the belief that the Father, Son and the Spirit are just different characteristics of one being. Personally, I don't find either view biblical.

ecumenical
"To promote ecumenical hope,
We'll unite and be one," said the Pope.
"Dear daughters, come home;
Re-embrace Mother Rome."
But many Reformers said, "Nope."

Ecumenism involves promoting unity among churches and religions.

In 2005, Pope Benedict gave a speech in Germany addressing the Protestant churches. He expressed a desire to create a "renewed sense of brotherhood" among the various Churches that call themselves Christian.

To some, these remarks seemed disengenuous when in June 2007, an official statement came from the Vatican claiming that the Protestant faith communities "are not true Churches."

"It must always be clear, when the expression sister churches is used in this proper sense that the one, holy, catholic and apostolic universal church is not sister but mother of all the particular churches" — Cardinal Ratzinger.

clysmian

Since these clysmian factors abound,
There's a chance you won't see me around.
I will take today off
Since I'm... glub—I'm not... koff—
I'm not sick, I am calling in drowned.

(CLIES-mee-an) related to the deluge

Edom / Esau
Know what Jacob's big brother would see?
Esau lentils in soup (for a fee).
They would cost him his share
Due as Isaac's first heir.
If he'd waited, he'd Edom for free.

In the Old Testament, Jacob had an older brother named Esau. As the firstborn, Esau was to have received the birthright (the greater portion of the inheritance). Esau sold his birthright to his younger brother for a bowl of lentil soup. He must have really been hungry.

Esau is also referred to as Edom. Anciently, Edom was also the land where the Edomites (descendants of Edom) lived.

disciplinant
Why did disciplinants whip their own backs?
Did they just like the sound of the smacks?
No, they thought it absolved
Them of sin and involved
Singing hymns to the beat of the whacks.

(DIS-uh-plen-unt) also known as flagellant

Deuteronomic
Something Deuteronomic was said
When my wife finished making our bed:
"Thou shalt not leave thy socks
Or thy pestilent jocks
In the sheets, or thou shalt lose thy head."

Dulia
To the angels and saints I say, "Hiya.
I've a concept I wanna run by ya.
You ain't worshipped like God,
But we still give a nod
With respect a step down called dulia."

(doo-LYE-uh) To a Catholic, there are various levels of honor. Latria is the highest honor, given to God alone. After that there is veneration, which is honor paid to non-deities. Veneration is broken down into hyperdulia (honor paid to the Virgin Mary) and dulia (honor paid to angels and saints).

In Islam, Hinduism, and Protestantism, there is a different term used to encapsulate veneration, hyperdulia and dulia—they say idolatry.

Armstrong, Herbert

Herbert Armstrong, a true pioneer,
Started preaching on-air on a mere
One-hundred-watt station.
In time, the whole nation
Heard his voice if they had ears to hear.

Herbert W. Armstrong (1892-1986) first preached on the radio in 1933 on station KORE out of Eugene, Oregon. His World Tomorrow broadcasts gradually gained greater audiences and by 1942 were going out over the 50,000-watt WHO of Des Moines, which reached the entire US. In 1967, he made the switch to broadcasting on television. At its height, The World Tomorrow television program had a global reach, airing on 382 US stations and 36 international stations.

Really Really Sup Par Writing

2012-01-15T02:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, I understand... this isn't poetry but it definitely is sub par. But that was the point, the following two pieces, I was writing for the purpose of writing poorly. See for yourself.
---------------------------------------
George could not possibly have known what was about to happen. Because it was unexpected. And in the future.
It didn't happen yet.
So when it does, I'll let you know, 'k?
Meanwhile, another guy named George was waiting. But for something else.
One time I was talking to this kid on the bus, and he said that the guy who got off at the last stop was named George. I don't know why he told me that.
Then the George who was clueless about the future saw the other George who was waiting and said, "Hey George, what are you doing?"
But I'm getting ahead of myself... you see... My name is George.
And I've been waiting to tell you... your name is George too.
It's happened.
See, I told you I'd let you know.
----------------------------------------------
George tried to describe his love for the detective. Not that he was in love with the detective or anything like that: he just was trying to describe his love (his girlfriend) TO the detective, maybe I should have originally said 'to' instead of 'for'. George tried to describe his love to the detective. Yes, that's better. This way the detective would know what to look for when he was trying to find George's love.
"Let's see," began George, "she is pretty... pretty like a rock. And I don't mean an ugly rock either. She's not like this rock that I found one time wedged between the tread in my front passenger side tire, at first I thought it was a nail but luckily it was just an ugly nail-colored rock that didn't flatten my tire. But she is prettier than that rock by far."
"I see," said the detective. "Is there anything else you can tell me about her?" The detective said this because there were many women who were prettier than an ugly nail-colored rock, and so saying that she was prettier than that didn't help him one single bit.
"Yes, there is one other clue that I know about," said George. "She was wearing my University of Washington sweatshirt when she disappeared."
"No I wasn't, you nitwit!" replied Martha. "I was wearing a black t-shirt and sweatpants. You never let me wear your UW sweatshirt."
George glanced down and realized that he was still wearing his University of Washington sweatshirt. It could not possibly have been on Martha. One of the properties of matter is that a sweatshirt cannot occupy the same space at the same time. That's basic physics.
"Right," George said, "That doesn't seem to make sense." He thought for a moment. "Oh! I know, here, try this." He took off his sweatshirt and handed it to Martha who seemed surprised that he was allowing her to wear it, then she put it on. "There!" George exclaimed. "That's what she would have looked like if she had been wearing it when she disappeared. You might want to take a picture of this for reference," he said to the detective. "Say cheese, honey," George said, putting bunny ears on Martha.
The detective snapped a photograph and then stood up to leave. "There is something very suspicious going on here," he said. "I can't put my finger on it yet, but I'll go get this picture developed and we'll go from there. Don't worry George, I will find your love and have her back in no time."
"Thanks, detective," said George. George and Martha were arm in arm as they watched the detective walk back to his car. "I have a good feeling about him." George sighed.

Skip To The End

2011-12-28T11:51:00.000-08:00

Double dactyl, written for a contest with a theme on "Time":

Skip to the End
Tickety Tockety!
Jason the Clockwatcher
Has eight more hours until
He can go play.

Temporal oddities!
Unsynchronology!
Mentally done but just
Starting the day.

Metrical Feet

2011-12-28T09:13:00.000-08:00

I was doing a quick refresher this morning on metrical feet in poetry. The first thing I noticed was that "metrical feet" sounds like a contradiction in terms. There are no feet in the metric system, or so I thought. Turns out, "feet" in verse are not the 12-inch variety of feet, but are small groupings of syllables matching various stress patterns. Getting this basic fact straight, I thought the rest would slide right into place. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Investigating further, I found that the names of these feet are very misleading. You'd think the names of metrical feet could at least match the meter they are defining. Take, for instance, the anapest foot. An anapest foot is two unstressed syllables followed by a stressed syllable, as in "macaroon" (mac-a-ROON). Wouldn't it just make sense if the word "anapest" could follow this pattern (an-a-PEST)? I am sad to say this isn't the case. "Anapest" is pronounced (AN-a-pest) which actually follows the stress pattern of a dactyl. And it gets worse. Read on and see...

...so let's get this straight:

As I've pointed out, "anapest" is not anapest, it's a dactyl.

But "dactyl" isn't a dactyl either, it's a trochee.

I suppose "trochee" isn't a trochee... wait, actually it IS a trochee, and so is "spondee".

Then there's "amphibrach"... not amphibrach, but a dactyl.

And "cretic" is a trochee, not a cretic.

"Iamb" isn't an iamb, it's a trochee.

"Bacchius" isn't a bacchius, it's an amphibrach.

"Antibacchius"... that's a pyrrhus followed by an amphibrach.

And "pyrrhus" in case you were wondering... another trochee.

Another trochee is "tribrach" although the opposite of a tribrach is "molossus" which is a dactyl... or an amphibrach, depending on how you pronounce it.

But what I don't get is that if "tribrach" and "molossus" are opposites, and "tribrach" is a trochee and "molossus" is a dactyl... you would think that a trochee and a dactyl are opposites. But they're not! The opposite of a trochee is an iamb. The opposite of a dactyl is an anapest... or a bacchius (depending on whether by "opposite" you mean reversing the order or giving each syllable the opposite stress).

"Opposite" is a dactyl.

There ya go. What could be more clear? But, if you still are a little confused, below is a list of the names of the major metrical feet followed by an example. The little 'u' stands for an unstressed syllable and the big 'S' stands for a stressed syllable.

anapest = uuS (Mister T.)
dactyl = Suu (Hannibal)
trochee = Su (Murdock)
spondee = SS (well-read)
amphibrach = uSu (the A-Team)
cretic = SuS (side by side)
iamb = uS (B.A.)
bacchius = uSS (oom PA PA)
antibacchius = SSu (hard-working)

These feet are less common and some people question whether they actually count or not:
pyrrhus/dibrach = uu
tribrach = uuu
molossus = SSS

Got that all memorized? Good. Who says writing poetry is hard?

OEDILF: Earned Income and Economic

2011-12-16T00:06:00.000-08:00

Definitions of Earned Income and Economic, submitted to the OEDILF:

My earned income's exceeded by bills,
Though I don't live a lifestyle with frills.
I've low earning potential;
Some help is essential,
So remember me, please, in your wills.

Economic: relating to money,
Like my bank account. Ha! Now that's funny...
Well, both tragic and comic.
I've defined economic
Very poorly; at least it was punny.

Tom Swifty Limericks

2011-11-23T23:08:00.000-08:00

I submitted a few Tom Swifty limerick definitions at the OEDILF.

demissly
Since the acci'ent, Tom has felt blessed,
And his 'octors have all been impressed.
Though his Ds are unsung,
He still speaks (with no tongue).
"No big 'eal," Tom demissly expressed.

(dee-MISS-lee): humbly

---------

blimpishly
In a zeppelin race overseas,
The French team veered left from a breeze.
"I've got this one bagged,"
Herr Tom blimpishly bragged,
"I beat left-leaning Frenchies with ease."

You are blimpish if you could be described as being proud of your ultraconservative nationalist views.

---------

benignantly
"I am holding nine ants in my palm,
And I've pledged to be gracious and calm.
I won't harm these poor strays."
This benevolent phrase
Was benignantly spoken by Tom.

Double Dactyl - Take Two

2011-11-18T13:21:00.000-08:00

My second try:

Limerick Gimmerick
Jason of Pendleton
Tried double-dactyls while
Fearing the worst.

Uh-oh-spaghetti-o!
They're all bass-ackwards cuz
He's used to anapest
(Dactyls reversed).

Double Dactyl - Pogonophobia

2011-11-14T11:46:00.000-08:00

For a while, I've maintained that the purest form of poetry known to man is the limerick.

Today I learned of a form that may just rival the limerick - the double dactyl. Lines 1,2,3,5,6 and 7 are made of two dactyls (BAH-bah-bah). Lines 4 and 8 have one dactyl followed by a single syllable, and they rhyme. Line 2 is a person's name and one of the lines in the second stanza has to be a single word.

Here is my first try, I wrote about my good buddy, Ben Gibney:

Fuzzily Wuzzily
Benjamin Gib-a-ney
Grew him a beard which was
Coming in fine.

Then he found out he had
Pogonophobia.
He can shave his, but he'd
Best not touch mine.

OEDILF: Electromagnetic Pulse

2011-11-01T08:34:00.001-07:00

EMPs can blow circuits and breakers,
Make blackouts extending for acres,
And turn gadgets to toast.
At least one group can boast
That it won't affect them—that's the Quakers.

OEDILF: Cystis

2011-10-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

Another limerick about cysts, this one defining another form of the word: cystis.

My sister once asked, "What's a cyst?"
So I gave her the general gist:
"An old word for this blister
Is cystis, dear sister,
Like your face." Then my nose met her fist.

Math Quiz

2011-10-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

I entered this one in a contest where the subject was "Eraser"

Math Quiz

In arithmetic, he wasn't strong.
This math quiz was taking so long.
It was hard to divide.
Still, he tried till he cried,
but the answers kept coming out wrong.

He would solve and immediately doubt
if he'd taken the most proper route.
He'd retry, but alas,
by the end of the class,
his eraser was simply worn out.

The bell rang. The quiz was now due,
but his sheet was a sad sight to view.
There was nothing but air
in assorted spots where
the eraser wore all the way through.

The tests were collected and sent
to the teacher for grading. She went
through each page in the stack
and then handed them back.
He saw his grade: ninety percent!

He pondered his luck with a frown...
To the head of the class from class clown?
Was he smart? Well not quite,
every one he got right
had shown through from the next paper down!

OEDILF: Curdy

2011-10-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

I ordered a milk. (Yeah, I'm nerdy.)
What the bartender brought me is curdy;
It's lumpy and thick.
What's the date on it? Sick!
This expired in May—1930!

OEDILF: Ear Lobe

2011-09-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

My definition of ear lobe as submitted to the Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Format

Late last night my poor ear lobe was mugged
When my daughter purred this as we hugged:
"I love you, Daddy dear,
Could you lend me your ear?"
I said, "Yes," so she grabbed it and tugged.

Tripe

2011-09-06T00:33:00.000-07:00

If you like eating tripe, good for you.
I can't stomach the smell; I eschew!
And although I don't crave it,
If bribed, I might brave it.
Still, I'd wonder, just who's eating who?

OEDILF: Effluvia

2011-08-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

Definition for the word 'effluvia'

It was her, and of that there's no doubt.
Her effluvia pummeled my snout.
She was eating old beans
And inflating her jeans;
I stopped breathing and gladly passed out.

Effluvium is a noxious emission of vapor. The plural form of the word is effluvia.

OEDILF: Cyst

2011-08-24T19:26:00.000-07:00

Here's a new limerick submitted to OEDILF for the word 'cyst'. So far, no comment. I wonder why?

Seems the gift of good skin has forgone ya.
Now a lump filled with pus grows upon ya.
We'll just lance it and twist
And pinch down on that cyst,
And we'll pray we don't get any on ya.

Crookbacked

2011-08-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

My OEDILF definition for crookbacked:

Once a crookbacked old man in my store,
As he left, dropped his keys on the floor,
So as manners dictated,
I retrieved them and waited
With a hunch he'd be back through the door.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Disafforest

2011-08-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

Here's another submission I put in at the OEDILF, this time a definition for the word disafforest, which means "to remove all the trees from"

She owned cedars majestic and lauded.
They've been logged. She's been badly defrauded.
No, she didn't need wood,
She just misunderstood
When they asked, "Disafforest?" she nodded.