He could feel the heavy spasms of breaths he was taking. It was a while now, but he just only realised that he was.

Breath, something we take as a given. Something we never really, truly pay attention to! Everything talks about focussing on one’s breathing when one has to learn to relax, focus, funnel, meditate, visualise, hope, take stock… take perspective.

Like a one stop shop to buy time in finding answers.

But the more he fuelled his attention to his breath, the more vexatious he felt. “How is this gonna help”, he wondered ambiguously to himself. “Maybe if I count backwards on every breath?” – 100, 99, 98, 97… “Why do we start counting from 100 when we think backwards? Or 10?”

Without allowing the question more light, he vexed in continuing… “89, 88, 87, 86… or maybe I should count forward – I’ve been counting backwards since I was a kid, it’s easy… maybe I need something difficult to focus my attention to…. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Erm… what’s the point of this? Am I trying not to think? Am I avoiding thoughts to fill my mind? Maybe I’m trying to feel fit?”

“Maybe it’s….”

And abruptly as it was, he could suddenly feel the heavy spasms of breaths he was taking.

It was a while now, but he just only realised that he was.

And yet again I commiserate on my own apathy of the hiatus.

What’s the key? What’s the combination? What’s the ‘trick’?

These questions hound me of late.

Only one line that keeps playing on and on in my head like a broken record: “to infinity and beyond!”

Or maybe I’m just very hopeful towards Toy Story 3.

In a land far away a beautiful princess was about to get married to her dream man. She had been told he was the perfect man. Full of love, compassion, strength and intelligence – and of course handsome as hell. She was so happy. The wedding day came and went, the whole kingdom celebrated and all was well. The morning after an equally wonderful wedding night, the princess brought her new husband tea and biscuits in bed. He smiled, ate, drank, told her how deeply he loved her and then slapped her flush across the cheek. They had not lied, he was strong and the princess was knocked to the floor by the force of the blow. She was dazed, in pain but mostly just in shock. What was more surprising was the shock on the husband’s face. He was even more bewildered.

The husband convinced the princess that he was just as taken aback by what happened and was genuinely sorry. His kind eyes and sincere tone clearly indicated to her that he was telling the truth so she forgave him and they moved on. Some years passed and soon both forgot the ugly event, until one day just as suddenly it happened again…. Whack! Then, soon after it reared its ugly head again…. Whack! Now it was too much for both to take and so they decided to seek counsel. Being royalty, all the best medics were summoned and consulted. Various theories were postulated and several cures were tried. Calming oils, exotic herbs, exorcisms, but every so often… Whack! It would happen again.

Desperate, they finally went to see a mysterious sage who lived high up in the mountains and was reputed as the wisest medic in the land, but one who would rarely accept an audience. After a long, hard journey they finally arrived at the sage’s cave. He was sitting on a rock outside in deep meditation so they waited patiently. Several hours later the sage opened his eyes and noticed the couple and much to their relief agreed to speak to them. He led them inside and then heard about the problem. At the end of the narration he asked to see the husband’s hands and closely inspected his palms. Once done with the husband he surprisingly asked to see the princess’s hand and carefully began to check her pulse. Finally he looked up smiling and said, “I will tell you what is happening here, but in exchange you must not refuse me what I ask.” Anxious to have this mystery finally solved they both agreed.

“Well, my dearies”, said the sage still smiling and looking at the husband said, “You sir are a great, healer. Your hands contain great power and you my dear princess have a terrible disease that keeps re-occurring every so often. By slapping you he has been curing you of this affliction time and again. If it had not been for those slaps, you would have long perished by now.” What relief they both felt. Overwhelmed by what they heard they fell to the feet of the sage and tearfully thanked him. As for the payment, well the husband wound up and laid one directly on the sage…. Whack!

What is the point of this story? Relationship produces pain for you so that you may awaken to what needs to be worked on within yourself. In the case of the princess she was lucky as the pain was benefiting her without her knowledge, but in most of our cases we need to utilize the suffering caused by the relationship to inspect closely the disease of our attachments. The pain, upset, discomfort caused in the relationship helps to reveal the attachments we have and the inner working of our minds. It could be as simple as feeling bad for not being complimented on a new dress or as complex as getting upset with your partner for giving away too much to charity. All the upsets, big and small, simple and complex have their roots in our attachments. The attachments could be to security, money, sex, power, prestige, name, fame, religion, children, family, country, comfort, food, etc. It does not matter, our relationships, specially the intimate ones, will poignantly reveal them to us.

As long as we have these attachments, and they are strong within us, we live in fear and misery. Afraid of not getting that which we want, afraid of loosing it if we have it and fearful of those on whom we depend on for their fulfillment. Any relationship upon which you depend for your personal gratification and security will eventually lead you to the mess of anger, control, possessiveness, jealousy, fear and hatred. This is relatively easy to see if we watch relationships in action. So measuring the strength of one’s relationship by the level of attachment is quite silly. In fact, life will not allow such relationships to endure and by producing a few storms she will eventually tear it down and force a new one to be built. On the other hand, when two self-sufficient people meet, adore each other and enjoy each other’s company we have the makings of something special.

Seeing the trouble that attachment brings and realizing that love and fear cannot coexist, what can be done? Change your attitude towards relationship pain. See it for what it really is, an opportunity for insight. Insight into the working of pleasure and its child – desire, or pain and its child – fear. The way of insight is through delicate observation. When any upset occurs watch closely how you react to it. Watch closely how the storm of thoughts start to take control. “I can’t believe he did this again, he does it every time, I have told him so many times before, he knows how important this is for me, he is so selfish and inconsiderate, I bet he would not treat his mother like this, why doesn’t he change, I am never going to speak to him again, … I am so right!” On and on thought takes over and one is caught in the chaos. This is childish and won’t help at all, and the worst part is that a golden opportunity is being wasted. An opportunity to observe the self in action and perceive the root cause of the attachment. Have you ever tried to observe the actual feeling, the physical reality of what is taking place without interfering and without getting carried away into all the mental threads? By doing so, you will allow the fact of what is happening, anger, jealousy, fear, etc. to reveal itself to you in its complete detail. This is to understand by direct perception and allow insight to blossom. This is the only approach that will root out and weaken attachment. Any other reaction on your part to suppress the feeling, or run away from it, or replace it with good feelings, or psychoanalyse it, etc, will simply leave the underlying causes intact only to have the outburst happen again when the time is ripe.

The princess had cancer, which was cured by life through her husband; life tries in the same way to cure the disease of attachment that we are afflicted with using our relationships. Observing carefully our internal reality, that is reflected in our relationships, is the beginning of meditation. And meditation alone brings freedom and self-sufficiency. Relationship provides the most useful opportunities for applying ourselves in this way, so be ready, prepared and poised the next time you get Whacked.

Source: http://anmolmehta.com/blog/2007/01/08/the-true-purpose-of-relationships

(if you can’t see the “PLAY” button below you are probably reading this via a feed (Facebook etc.) – Please visit the original blog post on my site to listen it: http://devesh.net/blog/2009/10/22/shaayad-ye-waqt-humse-koi-chaal-chal-gaya

us’s mod se shuru kareN phir Ye zindagi
har shay jahaN haseen thee, hum tum the ajnabi

lekar chale the hum jiNhe jannat ke khwaab the
phooloN ke khwaab the wo mohabbat ke khwaab the
lekin kahan hai unmeiN wo pehle see dilkashi

rehte the hum haseeN khaYaaloN ki bheeD meiN
ulJhe huye haiN aaj sawaaloN ki bheeD meiN
aane lagi hai yaad wo fursat ki har ghaDi

shaayad ye waqt humse koi chaal chal gaya
rishta wafa ka aur hi rangoN meiN dhal gaya
ashkoN ki chandini se thee behtar wo dhooP hi

I think I should rename my blog from “Subtle Aspirations” to “Innocuous Hiatus” considering I haven’t posted, like forever!

Anyways, when I used to go to Church back home in Sydney, they had recently started to perform this worship song every week and immediately at the first instance, it became my favourite!

A few days ago, Michelle send this to me on Facebook and I relived my memories of Church in Sydney. The video that Michelle sent me had the chords of the song along, so I thought I’d try my hand at it…

It’s rusty as always (I hardly play any more)

Anyways, here it is :)

(if you can’t see the “PLAY” button below you are probably reading this via a feed (Facebook etc.) – Please visit the original blog post on my site to listen it: http://devesh.net/blog/2009/10/20/you-are-stronger/

There is Love
That came for us
Humbled to a sinner’s cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious

Faithfulness none can deny
Through the storm
And through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

CHORUS:
You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

No beginning and no end
You’re my hope and my defence
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

So let Your Name be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Be lifted higher

The strangest bit… I did a search on google for agony metallica lyrics and all that came up was the lyrics to one of my most cherished songs in this lifetime… “Fade to black”!

Now this is a song I never thought I’d really post here, but then again, this has to be special… so here it is…

So here I go, to prepare to post this song on my blog and the moment I log in, considering that I hadn’t posted anything in quite a bit, I spotted this “draft” post that I had written on the 27th of Feb… called “Take a Chance”!

Strangely enough… I could’ve let this be and revised it eventuate it into what I wanted it to be…

But I didn’t… and here it is… what the post “Take a chance” was meant to be…

If you’re looking for the lyrics for “Fade to Black”, you can find it below this…

Oh… where did that “agony, metallica, lyrics” search come from?

Now now… getting too way ahead of yourself are you? ;-)

Here’s Take a Chance (or whatever that was left of its beginning!)

At the edge of insanity the road turns, or so I’ve heard.

At the end the tunnel, there’s a bleak streak, or so I’ve read.

Distances forgotten, eloquently

Subtly forsaken, the miles

Relinquished from the vices, the memories.

“Beware”, a whisper whistles.

“Be watchful, as it’s a double edge sword”

For all you read, you missed the torn page

For all you heard, their words silenced the warnings

For at the the edge of hope, covertly, lies your fall!

And here’s Fade to Black… as promised (for all those ardent sadists!) – This song has always meant a lot to me… there’s a connection way too deep that I’ve drawn from this song which rings back to 1996 – and of course, it never fails me every year :P

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

The unknown distance to
the great beyond
Stares back at my grieving frame
To cast my shadow by the holy sun
My spirit moans with a sacred pain
And it’s quiet now
The universe is standing still

There’s nothing I can say
There’s nothing we can do now
There’s nothing I can say
There’s nothing we can do now

And all that stands between
the souls release
This temporary flesh and bone
We know that it’s over now
I feel my faded mind begin to roam

Every time you fall
And every time you try
Every foolish dream
And every compromise
Every word you spoke
And everything you said
Everything you left me,
rambles in my head

There’s nothing I can say
There’s nothing I can do now
There’s nothing I can say
There’s nothing I can do now

Up above the world so high

Everything you loved
And every time you try
Everybody’s watching
Everybody cry

Stay, don’t leave me
The stars can wait for your sign
Don’t signal now

There’s nothing I can say
There’s nothing I can do now
There’s nothing I can say
There’s nothing we can do now

Goodnight, travel well
Goodnight, travel well

There’s nothing I can say
Nothing I can do now
Good(night), travel well
Good(night), travel well
(Travel well)

Photograph courtesy of http://flickr.com/photos/stuant63/2255781557

A plan it was! A plan that always made sense! All predetermined, like everything else that drew up a perfectly functional blueprint in her life. Oh yes there were always the unexpected mishaps. The ones that in the heat of moment tripped her off completely and swayed her from reality. But it never took her long to get back to “the plan”!

If there wasn’t one at that stage, it always came up. Her subconscious was her greatest ally! Eventually, it always came to her rescue, before she could even acknowledge it!

But such was a day – a day which was nothing different than any other day she would’ve been able to have picked up on. A routine. An expectant. Nothing unusual. Nothing unnerving so as to have shaken her whole existence.

But tip-toed, it walked in. The feeling. The assured incense of comfort.

Walking hand in hand with the fear of unknown, it subtly slipped through the unnoticed crack of her doorstep.

And when it arrived, it surged her through a glimpse of insanity of utmost joy. The perennial joy of nirvana.

Within moments the fears that had walked with it, sunk in. The million questions she never even knew existed occurred in a flash of an instant.

She found herself battling, dealing with the surprise of the joy and the uncertainty of the fears at that same very moment.

Something changed that night. Something very unnoticeable in that continuum.

Something completely oblivious of the fragment of the definition of time as an instant.

She complied with natural, conditioned behaviour, and caved in to deal with it “naturally” as a human would.

But what was to come by, would be far greater than an average human was to be able to fathom.

She couldn’t see it just yet.

A miracle, was in the making!

He stubs his stale cigarette by his foot with all the might an empty heart can provide, as if he realised that he had no choice but to fight!

Such situations were never easy to deal with. However a behaviourial pattern that was formed since his childhood years, he inactively always chose flight. This time there was no flight! There were no hidden doors to escape. The enemy wouldn’t listen to any of his prolific meanderings. Trapped in an emotional catch 22 Alcatraz, the only thing he was blatently aware of was how quickly he was running out of time.

That’s when it hit him. Running out of time? Now isn’t that another elusive escape? A deceptive smile beckoned and encompassed his decree!

In an instant he felt relieved. There, right there, in the turbulent spasm of those handcuffs, dormantly layed his answer.

Basking in his triumph, he let go of everything. Isn’t that what he craved after all under the million different disguises?

Having read so many of these books in recent past, I’ve always found myself stuck in the simplest question – believing in what you intend to have in your life.

To begin with, there’s are many reasons why you see this around – about thinking ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ thoughts. But how do you achieve that and remain in that frame I mind constantly?

Life will always push and nudge to bring in realities that don’t match up to your intention of success, your sanity.

I’ll share with you a very simple experience.

My current state of life, as I’ve known it, has been quite amazing over the last couple of months. I’ve been quite content ‘overall’.

Now the one thing that I’ve known to flip out and stress massively on is anything got to do with finances.

Having had made some pretty serious financial mistakes a few, infant years ago, I’m still in the middle of correcting my mistakes. 2 days ago I realised of some major payments that were to be made, ones which I had conveniently forgotten recently. In a bit of a crunch recently with the interstate move and the decision to ‘start from scratch’, I woke up this morning with only the thought of ‘how the hell am I gonna pull this off?’

I could not quiet my mind no matter what I tried. I worried endlessly and was constantly pensive in thought.

I consciously tried to remove myself and to visualise better things, to meditate… Everything just felt ‘lame’ at that moment.

Now yesterday, I had messaged a friend of mine, Carolyn , just generally expressing my state of mind. This morning she had replied to the message saying ‘Dev, I want you to actively try to guide your thoughts away from what you don’t have in your life right now, to what you DO have currently on your life.’

I was standing in the balcony, stressing unconsciously when her message arrived.

At first, I scoffed at it. My thoughts – ‘what does she know?’ and ‘how the hell is that going to make any difference to my worry right now?’

But then I noticed another thought. A little voice speaking within saying to me, “Dev, it all begins in the mind. Granted you don’t have a solution right now. But how will stressing on the situation help? Let’s try and make a mental list of all that you DO have in your life right now.”

With that thought I made an attempt to make a mental list of everything I am thankful for. Honestly speaking I could not think of anything at all. I could not break away from the worry I had at hand. Then I heard my own voice trying I command my thoughts… ‘Dev! Think! What are you thankful for in your life right now!’

With that, I felt like I had to just pretend to convince that voice, and maybe make something up so I could shut it up. So I thought, real hard… and as silly as it sounded, I came up with the first thing that I felt I was thankful for in my life right now. It was a stupid reason, and I laughed at myself when I thought of it, but I was thrilled that I did it. So I tried to come up with another one. Every single moment I kept questioning how the hell is this gonna help, but I kept going.

The worry didn’t fade away. But it definitely felt ‘tamed’ after a while.

I started feeling comforted within, an unrealistic comforting surge of faith that I can pull this off. I don’t know how, yet… But just the trust in that faith helped me feel way better than I was feeling!

What happened here?

Let me be very clear. By no means this ‘solved’ the problem at hand.

What this did, is that it put my mind at ease. Filled it with hope… And eventually gave me a perception of strength to be able to perceive solutions which otherwise I would’ve spent in nothing but fruitless worry and pile ups eventually.

Simply put, here are the INSTANT steps you can take to put a stop to gnawing worry and just feel centered:

1. Shut your eyes real tight. Tell yourself, ‘I am only gonna take 2 minutes from this worry to think of something else’
2. Now tell yourself ‘I’m going to count the number I times I breathe out 10 times’ – with that, do that!
3. Now think of the one thing you’d like to do if everything in your life was perfect. It may take a while, but that’s all you have to do, just pick any 1 thing that you would love doing, knowing when everything is perfect as you’d like to have it in your life.
4. Finally, blank out everything in your head and say thanks for that 2 minute experience to your mind. Be grateful to your mind that it listened to you and gave you those 2 mins you asked for peaceful day dreaming :)

That’s it! There’s nothing more to it.

Yes I know you’ll be like, ‘How the hell is this gonna solve my issue?’ or maybe you read this and scoff at it, saying under your breath, ‘Dev, my problems are far greater than this insignificant thing!’

I urge you to try this for just 3 days. Can you do that? As I said before, you only have to do it for 2 mins. You can do it as many times you can remember to do it in a day if you want.

I’d like to know if you did try it, what were your experiences?

As a closing line, I’d like to dedicate this post to someone I recently “met” in the online world – Carla White, the creator of The Gratitude Journal iPhone App which you can check out at http://www.happytapper.com. Thank you Carla for such a simple, yet an effective application for the world.