Kutnick's Korner

Nothing Gold Can Stay

2023-07-13T08:28:00.003-07:00

I have been thinking about this famous Robert Frost quote for years, but the significance of it has picked up over the past several months. "Nothing gold can stay". Four words with such true and raw intensity. Things keep moving forward. Nothing can stay as they are. Especially age.

Today marks my 50th birthday. A half a century. The age that my mom was when I thought she was old. And, now-here I am. I remember a decade ago like it was yesterday, yet I can’t seem to remember what I did two days ago. I remember my first day of kindergarten (I wore red), but I have minimal recollection of last week. Clearly, the short-term memory can’t stay!

Nothing gold can stay. Including my 40s. This past decade has been life-changing. Then again wouldn’t every 10 years of a life naturally be? 10 years. From 19-20, I was a rising junior in college (the same age as my oldest child now). And, when I was 29-30 I was pregnant. From 30-40, we raised babies into little kids. From 40-50 kids to teenagers. A decade is a significant mark of time. 10 years ago I had a totally different career. I realize that after these past 10 years who my true blues are and who aren’t. Distance doesn’t necessarily define the people who I am closest with, yet often history does. And, the statement of "friendly not friends" has never rung more true than it has in my late 40s.

I also have stopped trying to be more or better or fix things with toxic people. Over the past several years, I have identified and finally acknowledged that it is not my job to please everyone all the time. The people who matter most get to have that focus. They deserve it. Not the people who make it feel bad. Not the people who are more draining than positive forces in my life. I am good with this.

So much else is different, but here are some of the other things that stand out. When I turned 40, I hadn’t lived through a pandemic. If you said to me at 40 that I would have bariatric surgery 8 years later, I would have not been able to comprehend it. Because at 40, I didn’t have sleep apnea or high blood pressure. I was always on a diet in my 20s, 30s, and 40s, and my hope is that I can live a healthy life both mentally and physically moving forward into 50 and beyond. Happy to report that I do not have sleep apnea or high blood pressure anymore. And, weight loss used to be about vanity in the 20s and 30s, and early 40s, but as I rounded the corner to my late 40s, I realized that health was all that mattered. And, that took a lot of inner growth and understanding.

Things that were a focus "then" are not a focus now, and I suppose in 10 years I will say the same thing. I think about all the songs that didn’t exist in 2013. I didn’t like country music. Now I do. I preferred sweet back then. Now, I would pick savory. Shopping in a store is not frequent whereas online is the likely choice. And convenience has changed the way I approach my days. Door-to-Door dry cleaning delivery pick up, dog food delivery, grocery delivery, high noon delivery! Weed is legal. If you had said to me when I was 19 turning 20 that in 30 years you would be able to walk into a store and purchase marijuana legally, I wouldn’t have believed you. I probably would have laughed.

When I turned 40, I hadn’t been to Israel. I went twice this decade. As an adult in my 40s, I had my Bat Mitzvah in 2015. I launched a side hustle in 2016. As for my kids, both had braces, faced the challenging days of puberty, both started driving, and one went off to college. One is about to turn 20. One is 17, and it will be amazing to see where they are at 30 and 27. It will be totally different just as the decades have unfolded change over change over change. I guess only time will tell.

There are moments I want to hold onto. And, there are moments I would like to forget. There are things that I am proud of. And, things I am not. Would I change the past decade? No. But, would I change how I navigated certain instances? Without a doubt. That is growth and learning. That is the wisdom I carry with me into my 50s. Life isn't high school. Life isn't about popularity. It's about holding onto the people you cherish, thriving in those special relationships, and taking care of the people you love the best you can.

I am on a constant quest to do better. That is part of my innate personality. So, today, July 13th, 2023- I wish myself a very happy 50th. I wish for those I love to have health and happiness. And, I wish that when I look back on the next decade I will pull new wisdom from it. I don't want to rush it, but I am ready to embrace it.

I am coming clean...

2022-02-28T15:37:00.000-08:00

My name is Kimberly Tucker Kutnick. And, on February 8, 2021, I had bariatric (gastric bypass) surgery.

I am coming clean.

It's been over a year, and I am ready.

I have written and re-written this so many times because I wasn't sure I was going to post this. Or, how I was going to tee it up (that sounds so corporate America of me). But, a friend once told me that my superpower is writing. So, here I go.

First, I want to clear myths. Bariatric surgery is not only for people with morbid obesity. More people who are not morbidly obese have the surgery vs. those who are morbidly obese. My BMI was "obese", but I was not categorized as morbidly obese.

Secondly, this is not the easy way out. This is not a "solution". This is a tool. This is one of the most challenging things I have ever endured. When you hear the expression "It takes a village"...for bariatric it certainly does...I have a team that consists of a surgeon, psychiatrist, therapist, dietician, bariatric support group, and a private Northwestern Bariatric Facebook group.

Third, I am not really able to "enjoy" food in the way I used to. Too much sugar or fat will make me sick. I can’t drink anything at least 45 minutes before I eat a meal…or I throw up. That one is a big bummer.

Fourth, it's been very lonely not being able to talk about this with most. I am typically an open book, so this has gone against my innate nature. It's been a solo journey despite my inner circle and my family who I love dearly. It's like anything...unless you have been through it, it's very hard to understand it.

Fifth, I made the decision to have bariatric for health reasons. I had severe sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and was plagued with constant reflux. It was not for vanity. I, personally, wouldn't have gone through something like this for vanity. I am not saying that people shouldn't. I just made my decision based on health.

Sixth, bariatric surgery should not be something that is frowned upon. I actually am surprised that more people with health issues don't take the leap.

Seventh, if you read this and want to talk feel free to reach out. But, please don't be tacky or judgemental.

Eight, part of me is scared to post this.

Ninth. Part of me is glad I am finally posting this.

Tenth. Thanks for reading this.

I thought about writing two different versions with one that ends here and one that goes into great detail. I decided that I will end here. Less is sometimes more.

As I conclude this I feel a sense of calm and relief. No more hiding. I am grateful to those who have kept this confidential for so long. I would do the same if it were reversed.

With all of the throwing up, hair loss (it's growing back!), exhaustion, the physical isolation of a pandemic, depression (since I lost a lot of weight my meds got screwy)...I would do it again. After 20 years of a battle with weight, which then manifested into some significant health issues... I do not have regrets.

To my first born who is about to leave for college

2021-08-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

If you had been born on your due date, I would not be writing this. Why? Because you would have missed the cut-off, and you would be entering your Senior year in high school. Not Freshman year of college. But, you made the cut-off, and in two weeks, you will be spreading your wings as you enter the next chapter of your life. College.

Over the past year as we entered the college application process, I have been running your life's timeline over and over again in my mind. Savoring, holding onto, and remembering the moments big and small. I keep trying to get those actual feels that I had in those actual moments, and sometimes I can actually feel that time. And, while it is hard to put it into actual words, that is how I have been processing this big life-changing experience, my son.

You came into my life on August 20, 2003, at 36 weeks. And, you lived your first few weeks of life in the NICU. With every passing day, all I could think about was the time that was cutting into my maternity leave with you. I didn’t want to leave you, ever. It was so powerful and real. My first three weeks as your mom were so hard because I had to leave you each night at the NICU. But, you’ve made parenting nothing short of a true pleasure since we brought you home on September 7, 2003.

I remember your bris. I remember walking around with you in the stroller on those fall Chicago days. We had outings at Babies R Us, the grocery store, Chipotle, the pediatrician, and it was good. What I didn't know in the fall of 2003 was how the future pages of your life would be written and how you would grow and thrive only to be at the point of where you are now. About to turn 18. About to leave for college.

I remember the day I left you to return to work, and I am pretty sure that sending you off to college will not feel as bad as that moment did. The guilt, sadness, and worry overcame me. Worry will be ever-present, but not guilt and not true, true gut-wrenching sadness. It will be different. But, it won't be sad different.

I think about BBB (Bath, Books, Bed), The Little Gym, potty training, your first day of preschool, your first bus ride to day camp, Kindergarten orientation on the bus, your time at Sprague, and how you used to say to your sister, "all I do is work, work, work" when you were in 2nd grade. I guess that will tie in nicely with college because you will have to put in the work, work, work. I guess 2nd grade wasn't that hard? Report back after Freshman year.

You wanted to play an instrument. And, you wanted the cello. At first, I didn't quite get the cello, but it quickly grew to be one of my favorite instruments. And, one of my favorite things to do…watch you playing the cello in an orchestra in 3rd-8th grade. What I didn't know in 3rd grade was that you would eventually learn to play guitar like a rockstar. Self-assured as you were, you knew you were supposed to play an instrument. The cello helped you pivot yourself to the instrument that ultimately won your heart, the guitar.

Your time at Half Day was fast. And, your time at DW was a blur, thankfully because we both know that middle school sucks. In HS you thrived. But, that came fast too.

Not in order, but… sleep away camp, your Bar Mitzvah, watching you learn how how to ride a bike, and holding the "oh shit" handle as you learned to drive.

You entered freshman year in Guitar 2. You started a club with friends at Stevenson which is no easy feat. You were in a band. You kept a few middle school friends while you fostered new, close friendships stemming from BBYO and camp. I believe these friendships will continue to play an important role in your life well past high school. See, my son, one of the best qualities about you is that you are true to yourself. It takes real maturity to live your teenage years being good with who you are. And, that by definition is you. You don’t social climb. You don’t have FOMO, usually. You don’t try to be someone who you aren’t. People adore you. And, while I clearly do too, I mean others. Your friends, your sister, extended family, and from what I can see over this summer, your campers. You light up a room with your humor, wit, and magnanimous personality. I am biased, but others have told me what a great kid you are. So, bias or not…I think you’re pretty awesome.

It is not easy to grow up with social media. Or, I should say it doesn’t appear to be easy to grow up with social media since when I was growing up life was in black and white :). And, then add an international, unfathomable pandemic to the mix. You pushed through college applications while trying to "do" high school from Zoom. Covid has been unkind to kids of all ages, but I have to imagine that being cut short of your Junior year parlayed with a less than ideal Senior year has been anything but easy. But, in true fashion, you persisted through. You created your own outlets. You did the best a person, a teenager nevertheless, could do given the timing of it all.

You tell your mom (that’s me) that you love me. And, you tell it like it is. That’s the Leo (not our dog but the zodiac sign) in you. I am just sitting here thinking of our first moments together as mom and son, and I really can’t believe we are here. I have been anticipating and dreading this moment for years. Anticipating because you know how much I loved college, and I hope you will too. Dreading because I know that once you go, you will be forever transient in our lives as a resident, not as a son! But, as you put it so clearly…would we really want our adult child living with us forever? And, of course, the rational side of me says no way! The irrational side thinks that would be nice…to hear you in your room playing video games, indefinitely. Or, popping out of your room to say goodnight every night when you’re actually home. But, we both know that this is exactly where you should be in your life, and I am not unrealistic to think otherwise. Because you are ready to soar. You might have pre-college jitters. But, so does every kid heading to college. And, while I would love to have you stay here forever in this moment, I know that your future path is right.

So, here are some words I will impart onto you as you wrap up camp, come back home for 9 days, and pack your life up into the car...

Do not change who you are. You are great, and anyone who doesn’t recognize will lose out.

Be smart about your choices.

Going to college is a privilege. And, going to a Big 10 college is extraordinary in so many ways. Absorb it. Live it. Take it all in. Because if you think high school went fast, college goes even faster.

Realize that you are human and you will make some bad choices. That’s ok because that’s how you learn. Just don't make the same ones over and over again.

Don’t be afraid to ask your parents for help. Our job doesn’t end because you’re going to college…it also is a new beginning for us. We are here for you always and unconditionally.

Don’t be afraid to ask others for help. Others as in future friends who you haven’t met yet and old friends.

Don’t be afraid to say no. You know what makes you uncomfortable and what you don't want to do.

Set healthy boundaries.

Don’t second guess yourself.

Be respectful of others. I don’t even know why I am telling you this because I know you know and are respectful of others.

Be honest. With yourself. With your parents. With friends. And, with your professors.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Be you. Always be you.

I love you always and forever, Zachary.

Love, Mom

The Shit Show of 2020 with some positive takeaways!

2020-12-31T07:06:00.004-08:00

Yes.
We know.
COVID sucks.

My kids are sick of me saying "this is all so (you can use your own adjective) weird."

Let's all agree that this whole year has been a total shit show. For everyone. Incredible amounts of Loss. Loneliness. Isolation. Weirdness. Challenge. Nobody has been exempt. Not from a newborn all the way through an elder. We will be talking about this for years. Documentaries will be made. Our kids will tell their grandchildren about this. It's big.

I have dug very deep since March trying to see how I could personally push through this as someone who suffers from General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and a small side order of depression. I used to work from home before I came to my current company, 5 years ago. In my former life, I let myself become swept over by isolation. And, it was much worse in the winter. Sometimes I didn't even get the mail. So, I came into this Covid time with a different outlook, and I wanted to share some of my positives. Because even in the darkest of days, there is light and hope.

The first thing is that I have been able to be with my kids. If I could choose them having NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL I would take it in a flash. But, since this hasn't been the case I am trying to relish in the fact that they are around a lot more than they would have been. Many meals together, talks, laughs, movies, music. We have really pulled together, and the 4 of us (2 kids + husband) have such great synergy. I love it when we are all together.

For me, I had big dreams and hopes during quarantining. However, I took undue pressure off of myself early on. Yes. I should be exercising more. Yes. That diet is starting right around the corner. But, since it hasn't, I haven't beaten myself up. I have accepted how I have chosen my days. Showered and ready but in comfortable loungewear. I've spent time with my dogs every day. Whether we walk or head to the park, I have integrated them into my routine. I love being a dog owner, and now that I am remote I am relishing my dogs even more. Typically, there's at least one in my office. It's so nice to hear a dog sleeping beside you. It's calming in a way. They have literally pulled me through this time, and my K9s get a lot of kudos from me.

Full transparency, my life was spinning before Covid. I had a very heavy workload, I was driving kids back and forth and back and forth (which I now yearn for!), I never had dinner organized, and my house was a bit of disorganized space. But, I have tried to have embraced this pause. I started a new job, which was a promotion at the same company, just before Covid came to town. I am grateful to be employed, with a good company and a sustainable job and workload. I am able to be present for my family.

Friends. My 3 best friends from growing up are in LA. I am so lucky that I have them. They are my siblings that I never had (only child). I am sad that I haven't seen them since the week before all of this insanity started in March. But, I can call any of them at any given time, and they are there. My college friends have been a huge force at this time. We have group texts, Bar and B'nai Mitzvahs to celebrate, and the ability to lean on one another. One of our friends lost her father. We were there for her the best we could be. And, my local friends. 50th birthday celebrations via parade and Zoom! I have had a group chat since the beginning of Covid, and it's been really great to have it. We also do Marco Polo which is so silly, but it's fun to see one another. My local friends have had some hard times. Loss of a parent, injury to a spouse, and one of them is moving in a month. I am grateful to have been able to be present to help them along the way. Or, at least I hope that I have.

My parents. This has been a challenge. I haven't seen them since March. This is probably the longest stretch of time since I left home in 1991. They are getting older, and this isn't ideal. But, my mom is high risk so I have stayed on my side of the country in order to keep her from compromising her health. My kids haven't seen them in 1 1/2 years. It's horrible. But, they talk. And, they share and they do the best they can do given the situation. I am grateful to my parents. To my mom for being there when I have had some dark days. I do not take them for granted. I am an only child and I am blessed that they are here. I’ve spoken to my two aunts more than I had pre Covid. That’s been really nice for me and hopefully them. One is in CA and one is in NY/FL And, the two other sets of grandparents have been strained as well. While we would love to see them all, we don't feel that it's safe for us to go to them or for them to come to us. We hope that they will get the vaccine so that we can be together soon. Hopefully, if there's a HS Graduation for my son in May

I have watched too much TV and too many movies. I have not ridden the Peloton as much as I intended. I have not finished my daughter's Bat Mitzvah Album (from May 2019), my side business has taken a major hit since it relates to Bar and Bat Mitzvah planning- which aren't currently happening in the way that we know them to be. But, it's ok. I am parenting two teenagers, taking care of three dogs, and trying to be the glue that holds us all together. I am at peace with it because every day I get up, I get dressed, I go to work (in the basement), and I face life how it's been for 10 months.

I enter 2021 with gratitude. I enter 2021 knowing that it's not going to be "normal" like 2019. I do think 2022 is more likely to be “normal”. I am grateful to all of the people who have helped me along the way. Whether it's a text, a call, a ping, a card, someone dropping a surprise off in the mailbox, or baking some type of deliciousness.....it is not unnoticed. It is appreciated. This is what has gotten me through.

Wishing everyone a happy and HEALTHY New Year.

With gratitude,

Kim

Am I living in an episode of Black Mirror?

2020-06-18T18:43:00.001-07:00

Let’s face it.

There have been good days and bad. Nothing defines what it will or won’t be when I wake up.

It just is all weird.

Half of the US is seemingly business as usual. The other half...the one I am living in....not.
Grocery shopping with a mask is weird.
The fact that I haven’t been to a restaurant since the BEGINNING of March is weird.
Haven’t been to my office since March 13. Weird.
Can’t or don’t want to fly anywhere. Weird.
Should be packing camp duffles and running around doing fun camp errands.....We aren’t.

It. Is. All. So. Weird.

And, blank.

And, I feel uncomfortable. Like I wake up and still can’t believe it. Groundhog Day.

I think to myself,

“Will life ever be normal again? Will people act how they used to in grocery stores? Not standing 6 feet apart? Afraid? Will there be live music in an open air stadium or arena? When will restaurants be packed with banter and pleasantries as a regular thing to do? When will we be a mask-less society? When will running a mundane errand not be the TOTAL excitement of my day...When will I sit in a conference room again? Present in front of real live people? Walk the halls like a boss (just kidding but it sounded awesome when I wrote it)?

This is how my brain works. So, yeah. Normal. What is normal?

One day in the future will we look back and say.....“That was INSANE!? How did we live this?” There will be books and movies and articles trying to capture this royally fucked up pandemic. It’s like we are all living in a real episode of Black Mirror. And, I know you all feel it too.

For every glimpse of normal there are three jabs of weird.

Look, I am having a moment. Or, a day. Or, a week. Or, a month, or a quarter....and, when I said to my coworkers see you next year (in March) as a flippant joke....I didn’t really think that this was a potential reality. Now, 2021 is 6 months from now, and the ridiculously insane idea of not being at work until maybe January doesn’t seem so extreme.

Because EVERYTHING IS SO WEIRD.

Tomorrow is new day blended in with 90+ other days that basically have felt the same since this all started. At least it isn’t snowing, but in the Midwest you just never really know.....

🤦‍♀️

The Sucker Punch of Antisemitism

2019-02-02T10:44:00.002-08:00

We hear about the bad stuff. Pittsburgh, Paris, England and the KKK. We watch it on the news. We read about it on Twitter. We see the posts on Facebook. It's real and it's happening all around us. But, yesterday, for the first time in my 45 1/2 years I was personally victimized by pure hatred and antisemitism.

To say I was shocked would be a complete understatement. To say I was beyond words in the moment would be the truth. I have never experienced such direct, personal malice as a Jew-until yesterday.

Here's what happened.

I was looking for someone to help clean my house. And, in the process a friend of mine from college recommended a nice woman who could help with laundry and other household tasks. While I would love to say I am the best homemaker in the world, that wouldn't be true. I am busy. I need help in the home.

The woman she referred me to didn't speak clear English. And, her husband is the person you contact to coordinate estimates. When we first spoke (the husband), I had said that ideally I would like someone to come twice a week. And, that we would pay $XX/day. Two days a week at $XX is what we pay for someone to come all day once a week. He INSISTED that she only take one day a week at $XXX. So, after going back and forth and talking to the person who refereed her and my husband I offered $XXX for one day. This was $40 less than the two days added up but less total hours since that's how he quoted their fee. I didn't hear back.

I was supposed to meet them during lunchtime on Friday because I am remote. But, because of the Polar Vortex I went into the office. And, I texted the husband to let him know that I wasn't available but would like to reschedule this weekend or next Friday. And, this is what he said, "... My wife won't work for cheap people and you can tell that to your husband. If you clean yourself then you will save the whole $XXX. Insert Jewish Star Emoji-about right".

At first I didn't catch the Jewish Star picture. My friend who referred the woman did. Complete and utter disbelief. I am/was ENRAGED. I wrote him a text that I didn't send realizing that 1) I didn't want to sink to his disgusting level 2) he had my address because we were supposed to meet.

I can't stop thinking about it. I was personally victimized by this person. While I know that some people really, really do have deep hatred for Jews, I felt the reality travel right through my gut, as if I was physically sucker punched. Then, my friend fired his wife (my friend is also Jewish) and he wrote a scathing antisemitic text to her....here is what he said, "I told her (meaning me) exactly what they are- cheap Jews. And, that's what they are. That applies also to the majority. While it's offensive to somebody it is also the truth....Being cheap means paying less than the service provided. And that's what I have seen in every Jewish family also in Indian families. My wife has a fantastic degree. And, she was offended by your friend who lives in a million dollar house (PLEASE NOTE I DO NOT LIVE IN A MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE!).....Sorry for the straightforwardness, we were raised that way."

Feel free to read this again. I have read it 20-30 times and I still can't believe that this REALLY happened. But, then again I realize that this world is a mean place. And, people are raised with parental influences who teach their children the lack of tolerance of others. Not only did he offend the Jewish people...he also offended the Indian culture.

What I didn't show above was him talking about how hard he works, 60 hours a week. And, he has work ethic. And, I just want to scream at him...."My friend (the friend who referred his wife) is a doctor. I work full-time and run a side business. So fuck you asshole." But, instead I am channeling my energy here. If you want names and background please feel free to email me at kimberlykutnick@gmail.com.

I have written 40-50 blog posts over the past 2-3 years, and I haven't published them. It's like my diary. But, this? This needed to be published. My word of the year is Gratitude. I am grateful that I saw this man's true colors before I allowed him into my home. I am grateful that my friend stood by me and fired his wife. I am grateful to have this outlet to share. And, I am grateful to be a Jew.

With gratitude,
Kim

That went fast

2017-05-31T07:00:00.002-07:00

I think there's a saying something like....the days go slow and the years go fast. Even if it's not an official saying, that's how I feel.

About a minute ago, or what it seems, we rushed our lives from the city to the burbs in an effort to educate and raise our kids. My son was a week shy of 5 and my daughter was 2. We have been here almost 9 years.

I remember sitting on the bus for Kindergarten orientation day with my son and my husband. We stopped at all of the houses to pick up the kindergartners on our route. One by one the little 5 year olds excitedly climbed aboard the bus followed by their parents. These were my general thoughts......"I can't believe my little man is going to Kindergarten. Will he be friends with any of these kids on the bus? Will he be okay? I can't believe how big he is! How did he get to be so grown up?" He was off to the biggest chapter yet of his five year old life.

I am having a parallel experience exactly 2 months short of 9 years later. My little man (not so little anymore at almost 14 and taller than me) is graduating 8th grade on Saturday and is heading to high school in August. My general thoughts are," Will he be okay academically, socially and emotionally? WHO will he be? Will he like High School? Will he make good choices? Will he make new friends and keep the ones that he's known all along?" I can't stop feeling like we were just sitting on that bus on Kindergarten orientation day. It went very fast.

This is one of those big life transitions. Think for a second. It might not be college or your life after college, but high school counts. It makes a mark. And, it matters. I remember high school. Or, blips of it. I made choices and decisions in high school. Mostly good. Some bad. My best friends today are from high school. I started forming who I really am now at 43 in high school. And, maybe that's why this feels so incredibly big. Because I've been there. And, he's about to be there. But, this time around I am watching as the parent. And, it's surreal.

I want to say with confidence that so far, we have raised him to be a good, strong and independent person (touch wood-I'm superstitious). He works hard at school. And, he can even cook eggs. So, while that clock won't stop, I am grateful and appreciative for the man that he's becoming. I also find it fascinating to watch someone so close to you go from baby to young adult. I guess that's why they call it parenting.

In the meantime, I am stocking up with tissues for Saturday. It all feels so big right now.

Period.

2017-04-17T06:26:00.003-07:00

Written in February 2017.

Publishing now:

As my 10 year old daughter inches her way closer to age 11, I can't help but think that I was just a few months older than she is today when I got my period. And, I am happy to report it's a different world in 2017 than it was in 1983. Devastating in that glimpse of a moment would be an understatement as I woke up on May 7th of 1983 to my new monthly visitor which was visibly my period as I peered into the pink ceramic toilet. I was only 10! I was about to turn 11 in July.

I hid tampons and pads in my Members Only jacket. I was absolutely horrified. Nobody could know this. So embarrassing. Only my mom. Sleepovers became a challenge in that I had to hide my "products" deep in my overnight bag. Bottom line-it totally sucked. And, I am still scared by the memories of 6th grade bathroom horror stories.

So, as a mom we are approaching this very differently. I hope with the organic milk and the lack of Vitamin D in the winters, my little one won't be the same early bloomer as I was. If I had to pick the time to get a period-I would say 12-13 would be more ideal than 10. But, we don't get to pick and life happens. So, we talk about it. A lot.

As my daughter has gotten older we have talked about periods a lot. What it feels like. What you do when it happens. How it's NOT embarrassing no matter what age. And, when she's an older teenager and then adult like me-it will become one of the most open conversations you have with your friends.

But, equal to educating my daughter about her future menstrual cycle, I have often thought about a period and the significance that it has for a woman as she navigates through her life. It becomes a right of passage. It becomes the gateway to having children. And, follows us through life until it's is no longer needed in menopause.

I am not in menopause, yet. I am about to hit 44, and I am hopeful that I still have some time to be where I am not. My period and I are like old friends. We have a groove. It keeps my body in check. I understand why I feel certain ways at certain times. I guess I am not sure if I am more anxious about not getting my period (which means I am entering yet another stage in my adult life) OR helping my daughter navigate through the hormones, cramps, moods and all the other fun stuff that compliments a period.

In the meantime, I am in a good space and celebrating being a woman and raising a young woman.

Nope

2017-04-17T06:12:00.001-07:00

Written last July. I never published it, but I am about to release a bunch of blog posts I have never published.....

July 2016:

Yesterday for the second year in a row, BOTH of my kids left for sleep away camp. Last year I cried as my youngest (daughter) got on the bus, alone, new without any friends. I knew she'd be okay, but it just seemed so hard and sad and overwhelming as a mom to watch this unfold right before my eyes. Suffice to say it worked out. She loved camp. And, it was a very positive experience for her from 10 minutes into the bus ride until the minute she got home. My son, well he's a veteran. He has been going to camp since the summer after 3rd grade. He will be in 8th grade in the fall.

Yesterday came. And, I promised my daughter that I wouldn't cry. I would remain strong. That I would be her rock. And, that she wouldn't cry because I would not cry. And, I succeeded. I held it back. Extremely hard for me to do this as I am a crier (I cried for the first 15 minutes of UP and Finding Dory). But, the second that bus pulled away....that choked up feeling came to me and I had my moment. But, it wasn't as bad as 2015. I thought I can do this. I will be okay.

Then, it was my son's turn. He left 2 hours later. Even though he's a veteran-once he's gone-that means that they are both gone and that just makes me sad. When his bus left I, again, had that moment of sadness. I am HAPPY for them. I WANT them to experience camp. Grow. Socialize. Learn. Live life without the comfort of always having me right there next to them. But, it sucks living it on the other side of the fence. Because I am a mom. They are my kids. And, I love them like nobody else in this world loves them.

The reason why I called this piece "Nope" is because I did well yesterday. But, today is a totally different animal. Yesterday, I had visions of all the plans between now and August 12th with my husband and friends. I took a breath of relief in that my life somehow has gone from insanely busy to insanely quiet. I even helped another mom through a hard day yesterday via text until it was time to turn in. Today was hard. It was quiet. It was weird. I didn't have anyone to pick up and drive. Nobody texted me questions. Nobody asked me if they could have Nutella 30 minutes before dinner. Quiet....I must have refreshed Camp Chi and Birch Trail websites 5,000 times in hopes that maybe there would be an extra group of photos. Who am I kidding? And, I literally sank to all levels when I went through the Camp Chi pictures 5 times hoping I would catch an extra glimpse of my son in the background of a picture that maybe I missed. I guess it really hit me today that I won't talk to them until August 12th. And, that all of a sudden felt really far away.

Let me clarify. It's not that they are physically away. I could actually maybe/probably/possibly deal with that part-if there were FaceTime, texting, phone calls or email. But, the lack of correspondence for someone who like to correspond is really hard. I want to talk. I want to hear. I want to ask questions. I want to listen to them in the background of life while I sit on my computer. I want to hear the TV on. And, hear my son shouting as he plays Xbox. And, yet, it's so quiet.

It's hard being on this side. I never thought about my parents when I was the one venturing out into my life's experiences. I took those moments and opportunities and lived them out-as a child should. And, now it's my turn to watch my kids do just the same thing.

So, this year. Nope. It's not better this year. I had a false sense of hope. I thought I am a veteran. I am strong. I can do this. No biggie. But, the reality is that it's not the same as before I had kids. And, they are always on my mind. No matter what. So, while I will live my life for the next 24 days, 576 hours and 34564 minutes (but who's counting). They are always at the forefront of my thoughts? Will my son be taller than me? Will my daughter pick up new buzz words? Will they have that weird camp withdrawal thing when they get back? Will they be happy to be home? Or, sad? Or, both? I won't know until I get the first letter. And, I really won't know until I see them in 24 days. But, until then I will work, plan dinners, see movies, sail with my husband, walk my dogs and try to keep calm and camp parent on.

Dieting is Evil.

2016-09-05T21:39:00.002-07:00

This blog entry is about my unhealthy relationship with food and how diets have created it.

At 43 years old, I long for the day where I will have a perfectly normal relationship with food again. And, I say "again" because I didn't have true food relationship issues until post college when I moved to Chicago in 1995. I know if you are a woman reading this who is equally as screwed up as me.....you get it when I say that I know exactly what size and weight I have been for the past 20 years. Wedding day, pre children, post babies, first day of my new job. The year. Things like that. I know exactly what size I was. And, what I weighed. That's some totally Fucked. Up. Shit.

For 1 1/2 years I have been obsessing about the way I will look at my son's Bar Mitzvah which is now 6 days away. How will I look in the pictures? He has worked SO INCREDIBLY hard on this, and I in parallel have worked hard to put a nice event together. I also worked hard to have my Bat Mitzvah before his Bar Mitzvah so that I could understand the commitment and dedication from a learning and emotional perspective. But, what if I don't look great? And, what if I hate myself in pictures? Will I ever forgive myself? This has been the song playing over and over and over and over in my head for 1 1/2 years!!! It is royally fucked up! First and foremost, it breaks the cardinal rule of what the bar mitzvah is all about. My son is 13. He is about to have HIS bar mitzvah. I am so incredibly proud of the person he is becoming and the things he does in his life. How can I be so shallow to even think about the way that I look? I am not even a shallow person!!!!! But, with this. I am clearly broken. When I realized that 3 weeks ago that I accept myself, and this is how I will look at the bar mitzvah, a tremendous amount of emotional weight was lifted off of my shoulders. And, the stress has manifested into joy and excitement. Weight and body image issues have ruined so many pivotal moments for me. I am not going to let it this time. I refuse.

Several years ago I wrote an article for Chicago Parent called No More Dieting. I thought I was free of it all. I was normal. With food. With my size. Normal by my standards. Not Hollywood standards. Not other people's standards. But, by MY standards. And, that was enough for me. I was in a good space both physically and mentally. And, as time progressed I got even better. But, then I had to fuck with it. That's right....after years of living "normal" getting out of the diet ditch, it wasn't good enough for me. And, I chose to go on a diet 6 months before I was tuning 40. Why? Because I had to look my best heading into the next decade of life. I dropped those extra 15 lbs. Weighed less than I had in like 13 years. I looked great. But, then as after I turned 40 I burnt out. I was sick of the restriction of this diet. I subconsciously rebelled. And, the pounds packed back on fast and furious. And, then in my desperation and misery, I did a diet winter/spring 2015. This would be categorized as basic borderline starvation. Let's refer to it as Spring Starvation of 2015. Extremely unpleasant. Break 1 rule-the whole thing goes to shit because you come out of ketosis. Who can live like this? If you can-hats off to you! Mazel Tov! But, I can't. Let me rephrase. I "could". But, I won't. I won't do this to myself anymore. Sure, I lost weight. But, as soon as I ate food like a human being-it came right back on-fast and furious. Just like the time before. And, before that. And, before that. Pure diet hell.

A few months ago I had a pivotal moment with my therapist. My relationship with food had gotten so restrictive due to the worry and fear of the bar mitzvah that I realized (again) that dieting is what has made me gain weight over and over and over and over again. Dieting has failed me. And, NOT dieting has aided in me losing weight while resetting my metabolism. I am about 12-14 lbs less than when I started my new job in January 2016. And, most of that has come off in the last several months of NOT DIETING. And, it's staying off (unlike Spring Starvation of 2015).

Look, I am not saying to eat and eat and eat and eat. I am saying that if you allow yourself to eat the things you like and you don't constantly restrict yourself, you will be all the better for it. I believe that our brain tells us what we need. Maybe it is sugar. So, have some fruit. Live on the edge and have a muffin. Put real sugar in your coffee or tea. Not that fake stuff. Real butter (less of it). Bread (not a whole loaf would be a good starting point). Allow yourself to eat like a normal person, and you will crave less and desire less because it's "allowed". As soon as you tell yourself NO YOU CAN NOT EAT THAT.....I am pretty sure you will have at least three of whatever it is that you aren't supposed to have. At least I am starting to see that's what happens to me.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this one. Keep in mind. I am not a size 0. I am also not a size 2,4 or 6. Some days I can get away with an 8. Since the post 40 weight gain I have been treading water at around a 10. Before that it was a solid 8. So, I am not "skinny". And, the weight that I lost hasn't put me in an ideal weight for me. But, it's 12-14 lbs. less than what I weighed in January, so I'll take it.

Do you diet? Are you successful? Do you feel that the no diet diet is the best route? This is a topic that I am so incredibly interested in. So comment. PM me. I know that I am definitely not alone in this.

I hate making dinner.

2016-03-02T17:08:00.002-08:00

I was just sitting here at the kitchen table doing some work. Thinking about the fact that it's almost 7:00pm, and I haven't started dinner. After years and years and years of beating myself up, I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I loathe figuring out dinner. And, I loathe making it even more.

It's not that I don't like to cook. I do. Give me an unlimited budget and unlimited time. Or, a holiday and I will have at it with pure joy and skill. But, on your average Wednesday night....after a long day at work...all I want to do is NOT make dinner. All I want to do is NOTHING.

And, 12 1/2+ years ago, that would have been fine. Skip making dinner. Let's eat cereal. Except that now I have this job called "mom", and part of this job is feeding my children with good nutrition and calcium so that they will grow.

I am a planner in life. I am a total type A. I've been planning my son's Bar Mitzvah for a long time, and it's still 6 months away. But, not when it comes to dinner. I don't want to plan it. I don't want to cook it. And, I would rather hang out with my kids, do some work, write a blog entry or watch TV than deal with it.

My husband is the hero here. When he has time and isn't working late, he will gladly make dinner. It is so great. He figures out the meal, the sides, the sauce and how to prepare it. And, he's really good at it. But, it's that random Wednesday night (tonight) when my daughter isn't home from dance and my son is doing his thing and my husband isn't home yet..that I sit here procrastinating the inevitable. Dinner. It's now 6:59. Now, 7:03. Now, 7:07.

So, yeah....I am not cooking up homemade chicken soup tonight, or making a lamb stew. I am not making a noodle kugel or baking a cake. I am going to throw together some meatballs and spaghetti and a vegetable and call it a day.

Have at it family. And, thanks for accepting my flaws. 7:08

My favorite products

2016-02-15T20:51:00.001-08:00

I'm no Oprah....but I do have a list of some of my favorite "products" to share. .....here they are. Not in order:

Kiehl's hand and body, aloe vera & oatmeal lotion. This is the best! I forgot how much I loved it-until I replenished last week. Great for hands, feet, elbows and legs. Won't leave you greasy or over scented.

Trish McEvoy black curling mascara. I've used this for 13+ years. It goes on like butter. And, it comes off with soap and water. You don't need to scrub and you don't need make up remover.

Senna golden brown eyebrow gel. Sometimes my brows get dull and drab. This product helps shape them and give them a nice color lift. I know it sounds weird, but it really is good stuff. Lasts a long time too!

Skinceuticals Antioxidant Lip Repair. I suffer from chapped lips every winter. I have 10 different chapsticks, and nothing has truly solved the issue. Until I found this! It has saved me all winter. Doesn't smell. Isn't sticky? And, really has repaired and prevented chapped lips. It was expensive for what it is BUT worth every penny if you suffer like me! It's a cream...you can use it on and around your lips.

Nars orgasm blush. I think it's ranked #1 in the country....not just because it has a catchy name...but because it looks good on everyone. Whether I'm pale or tan-a little of this makes it all come together.

Priori mineral skincare loose powder/foundation. Lasts about 2 years. You can use it to set foundation OR it can be foundation alone because it gives nice coverage by itself. I love this stuff. I don't use Bobby Brown powder anymore. This also has SPF!

Dr. Bronner's All-One Hemp Peppermint Pure-Castle Bar Soap. This soap comes with me when I travel because it feels like home. It's gentle and fresh. Wakes you up in the am. Isn't drying isn't overly scented, and we love it!

Trish McEvoy flawless lip primer. I'm out of it, and I forgot how much I love this stuff. Why? Because I rarely re-apply lipstick or gloss because I forget. This helps anchor your lip color. Good stuff.

Smith's Rosebud Salve or strawberry

Moroccan Oil

Senna Dusk lipstick. Wore it on my wedding day. I've bought so many lipsticks since that day, and I'm pretty sure this is as close to perfect as I'm going to get with a good color. I'm always on a quest, and then I always end up wearing Dusk.

Enjoy!

17 Years Ago Today

2015-06-12T10:57:00.001-07:00

I was listing to a podcast yesterday (Death Sex & Money). It was their 1 year anniversary episode and part of it was dedicated to capturing peoples' answers to the below question:

"What has changed in your life in the past year?"

And, I listened to what people had to say. Some fell in love. Some got married. Some got divorced. Some lost someone special. Some had babies. Some moved. Some were happier than a year ago. Some were now more depressed. But, regardless-nothing stayed exactly the same. 365 days is a significant amount of time to reflect back.

And, then this morning when I looked at my husband and realized that it is June 12th....I started thinking about myself. Not where I was 1 year ago...but where I was 17 years ago. June 12, 1998.

On Friday, June 12th, 1998 my then boyfriend...now husband proposed. Looking out at Lake Michigan. Dinner at Spiaggia later that evening. It was magical. I remember it so very clearly. That was 17 years ago. Today.

So much has changed in 17 years.

I have more scars. Physically. Emotionally. No matter how great life is for anyone-you can't possibly live on this earth without somehow adding the markings of life under your belt. For me I have a lot of physical scars. Weight gain and loss mostly over the past 2 decades. Two C-sections. A few surgeries. Let's just say that I am grateful that we don't walk around naked in this world. Because I wouldn't be able to hide the physical scars that I carry.

And, just like you, the person reading this,.... I also have a lot of emotional scars. Everyone does. I will spare you all the details.

Since June 12, 1998 I've moved 3 times. Twice in Chicago and then made the suburban trek. I have worked at 6 different companies. I've traveled internationally and domestically countries and cities, and I re-visited places I had already experienced. I had babies. I became a mom. I have watched my friends navigate through their lives too. Collecting their physical and emotional scars too.

I can't imagine what life will feel like in 17 years. When I do the math I realize that I will have a 28 year old and a 26 year old. I will not be getting my kids ready for camp. I won't be driving them here and there. They won't need me in the same way, but I hope they need me in some way (not just for money!). I know that life will feel different, but I just don't know what that means quite yet. But, I do know one thing -just like 17 years ago I wasn't ready to be in 2015-I am not close to being ready for 2032!

The Turtle, The Sweet 16 Outfit,The Prom Dress and the Wedding Veil

2015-04-22T16:17:00.002-07:00

Just about a month ago, I said goodbye to the house I grew up in. I really don't mean to be overly dramatic about it, but it's kind of a big deal to me.

Some of my belongings came with me to college in 1991. And, others have trickled to Chicagoland in boxes over the years. Yearbooks, trophies, collectibles....etc. And, very few things remained in "my growing up house".

I always had a green and white stuffed turtle in my room. She sat wherever she was placed. Sometimes on a rocking chair. Sometimes on a shelf. But, regardless she was always there. And, truthfully, I never really thought about her all that much. She was an ornament. A part of my room. But, when I was in LA last month I confiscated her because she needed to be with my daughter. It's like I didn't have a choice. It had to happen. So, she got shipped home. I brought her to the dry cleaners to get fixed and cleaned. And, yesterday I picked up the turtle. I was literally beaming (the lady at the dry cleaners thought I was a total nut job). And, she slept on my daughter's bed last night. There is now a part of my childhood that is transferring over to my daughter's childhood.

But, that's not all.

My Sweet 16. Co-ed party. A total blast! But, one of the things that I always will remember (because there are pictures) is my outfit. And, that all three of my living grandparents were there. And, my mom said something about my room being messy on the video...But, back to my point. Black off the shoulder, Betsy Johnson, colored tulips patterned on it. I remember feeling super cool with my big permed hair and my sweet 16 outfit. And, until a month ago-it was sitting in my parents house. In the closet. Not up to much. So, I grabbed that too. And, while my daughter is almost 9 (this Sunday!) and not 16. I would love for her to at least have something of mine in her closet for when she's older. She doesn't have to wear it ever (although it's totally classy for an 80s outfit). But, I like that it's here.

And, then there came Prom. Prom where the limo didn't show up and we took an Airport Van. We said at the time we wouldn't ever forget that. And, that's correct. A van. To prom. Absolutely ridiculous and hilarious. But, not to High School seniors who has been waiting for this day for 4 years. But, what I really remember most is getting my Prom dress made. We couldn't find anything at the store that I liked. I will admit when it comes to special occasions (still) I am very picky and selective about what I choose. So, we found a seamstress to make a dress. And, it was (still is) beautiful. Chiffon. White. Ruched (I didn't even know what that meant in 1991). Strapless. But, wow-what a dress. I went to retrieve it at "my growing up house", and it was stained with something. Oh no! Not the prom dress that nobody will ever use or wear! BUT, the dry cleaner saved it. And, it looks just as lovely as it did 24 years ago. Phew. Again, not that I ever expect my child to wear it, but it's good to have it here. I was even nominated for Homecoming Queen. I didn't win, but it was the fact that I was nominated that made me feel really good. I wasn't someone who would be nominated for something like that. But, I was. Just like a teenage high school movie. But, in the movie I would have won :-). Think-underdog.

September 4, 1999. My wedding day. After starving myself on salad, meats and grapefruit for 4 months-I was determined to look back at my wedding and be happy with the way I looked. Pictures are forever. And, just like I am picky about my clothes (see above). I am picky about clothes in pictures (my kids hate that). It took many attempts to find the perfect veil. And, after hunting with my mom-we did (I am also a hunter of perfect things-shoes, bags, jeans etc.). Porcelain flowers, crystals and pearls were the headpiece comb and a veil...not too long and not too short. Finished edges. It had to have finished edges. It was perfect. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. I loved it so much I kept it on the whole wedding whereas the trend in the late 90s (and probably now) was to take the veil off at the wedding. Not me. I wanted to wear that sucker as long as I could. And, I did.

But, something happened. My mom thought she brought it to Chicago several years ago. I didn't remember her giving it to me. But, I do misplace things sometimes...keys, sunglasses, etc. But, I felt like I would have remembered the veil. I tore apart my office closet. My bedroom closet. The hall closet. Nothing. We both looked and looked and looked for it. We never found it. I was so sad. BUT, when I was in LA last month I pulled the prom dress out of the bag and down at the bottom was the veil! It's a veil. Right? What's the big deal? Well, it's my veil and I loved it. And, again, not that my daughter will wear it. But, maybe one day she will take a part of it for something "old". Or, maybe not. I just like the idea that I found it.

So, the turtle, the sweet 16 dress, the prom dress and the veil are all here. Now that I have them all here I have been thinking about those periods in my life. Being a child. Being a 16 year old. Being a senior in high school. Being a bride. But, my very favorite part is that the turtle is sitting on my daughter's bed.

The Front Doors

2015-02-24T15:53:00.002-08:00

The front doors of my parent's house have been a integral place of capturing photographic moments for over 40 years. They are doors. Every house has them. But, for some odd reason...these have been very special.

So, why am I now thinking and even writing about the front doors of my parent's house?

Good question.

There are two places that I call home. My house. Where I live with my husband and two children in the northern suburbs of Chicago. And, my parent's house in Sherman Oaks, California. Technically my parent's house isn't my house anymore. But, it's home. It's where I grew up. Where I had multiple phone conversations with friends, where I did my homework for years, where I fought with my parents as a teenager, where I had sleepovers as a child and where I slept the night before I got married. Home. Where I lived from 1973-1991 until I ventured off to college.

It's not very often that a 41 year old's parents live in the same house for 40+ years. People move. But, not my parents. They have been in their house as long as I have been alive....It's home. But, just a few weeks ago some news was delivered. My parents are moving. They are relocating to Arizona. They want to be in a community where there are other people around. It will be much less isolating than a house in the hills of the San Fernando Valley. And, while I am thrilled for them, truly. And, while I haven't lived in their house since I was 18, I do feel a pang of sadness when I think about it.

I will admit that it's kind of selfish. And, I definitely would never expect them to stay in their house! But, the few people whose parents still live in their growing up house can probably relate to this. I remember a few years ago the Rabbi at our temple talked about her parents moving from her house that she grew up in. She felt a sense of loss. And, I remember thinking that the day my parents move, I will feel the same. Sad. Yet, happy for them. The true reality of the situation.

The front doors symbolize their house and all the memories that go along with it. If I had to pick the "landmark" of my parent's house it would be the front doors. So much has been captured in front of those doors. Every time we try to take pictures somewhere else in the house-we end up migrating back to the front doors. It's our thing. And, one day I will be saying it "was" our thing. And, where are we going to take pictures now, Mom and Dad? In front of some random front doors in Arizona? I guess so. And, yes, I know they will be pretty, Mom.

I have been thinking about the doors non-stop for weeks, and I just needed to write it down. And, now that I have gotten these words out...I feel like I am partially cleansed. In March when we come to visit, I know that we will be taking a bunch of pictures in front of the front doors. Why? Because it's still our thing. Until it's not.

D'var Torah

2015-01-12T07:10:00.004-08:00

Picture a snow globe. I saw everything that was going on inside of it... but I wasn’t a part of it because I was on the outside looking in. That’s how I've always felt about Judaism.

I was going to take on this Bat Mitzvah challenge in my 50s as an empty nester. But, when I spoke to Rabbi Kedar at a Lincolnshire party a few years ago-she encouraged me to do this BEFORE my kids. I didn’t want to steal their thunder, I told her. And, she said one of the best things I can do for my kids is set an example. And, not surprisingly, she was right.

My family has heard me chanting my Torah Portion over and over again (they all know it now). They have occasionally come with me to Saturday Kol Shabbat services (my favorite service!). My kids know that on Tuesdays I won’t be home at 7pm when they get home from Hebrew school... Because I am at Hebrew School! My son and I even have the same teacher. They've seen my dedication, I am so glad it taught my kids a little something about accountability as well.

Just last week, my family returned from the BJBE 2014 Family Trip to Israel. Visiting Israel was at the top of my bucket list. It was an amazing experience to have spent time there just a few weeks before my B'nai mitzvah. Seeing the beautiful sunsets, climbing up Masada, and touching the Western Wall were just a few of the incredible things that I experienced. I had an extremely powerful religious experience at the Western Wall that I am still trying to process, today. I made friendships will truly last a lifetime. I also got to spend time with Rabbi Kedar on deeper and more personal level. I'm so grateful that I was able to finally It’s hard to find the right words to describe it.

I feel as though I'm now inside the snow globe. I no longer feel as if I am looking in at Judaism. I realize that I am a part of something so much bigger than me, but I am now able to cherish it in my own special way.

We all go through the daily grind. We get up. We do our thing. And, repeat. Life is special because we are alive, but we don't remember each day as an isolated event. There are several days that rise above the rest. And, they stay with us forever. Today is one of those days for me. My Bat Mitzvah.

My Bat Mitzvah

2014-02-03T09:58:00.002-08:00

It's February 3, 2014. Here I am. 40 1/2 years old. Mother of two. Wife. Daughter. Friend. Account Executive. Membership Director at the local swim club. If you look at my life, all of these things define me. My role in this world right now. They are all good things. But, just as many middle aged, women find...sometimes it's just not enough when you are giving so much of yourself to the world around you and so very little to yourself.

I drop my kids off at Sunday school. I carpool to Hebrew School for my 5th grader. He goes every Tuesday evening begrudgingly. I consistently attend services for the High Holy Days since we've joined our temple. I started going in college. And, when I moved to Chicago I continued to go with the exception of when my son was an infant. I celebrate Passover. I understand that I am Jewish. I was born to two Jewish parents. And, they too, were born to two Jewish parents. My parents didn't have temple affiliation. And, I never went through formal Jewish education beyond youth group. I always feel little a lost when I am at temple, and everyone around me is reading the prayers in Hebrew. This includes my 10 year old son. And, there I am. Chiming into the parts that I know from years and years of repetition. Yet, I sit there pretty much clueless. Thankful for the transliterate.

I've always said that I'd have my Bat Mitzvah by the time I turn 50. It's on my bucket list. I figured my son would have his in 2016. Then, my daughter 3 years later, and then it would be my turn somewhere around 2023. But, last January (2013), I was at a neighborhood party. Our head Rabbi just moved to my community-Lincolnshire, and one of the congregants had a welcome party for her and her husband. As the night progressed, I had some dialog with her about a family trip to Israel (another thing on my list is getting to Israel) and also had mentioned that I was going to get bat mitzvah ed after my children. She suggested (I mean she is the Rabbi after all) that I do it before my kids. My initial response was that I wouldn't want to steal their thunder. Last year wasn't the right year to take this on, but as time progressed I started thinking more and more about what she said. By me doing this before my children...I will understand the comittment. And, I will be an active participant in both of my childrens' bar and bat mitzvah when the time comes. It started making sense.

This fall...when the form came in the mail mentioning the adult B'nai mitzvah class, I called the teacher to find out the time and financial commitment. Every Tuesday night from 7-9pm, a small group of adults meet to learn Hebrew and to learn about The Torah. And, in a year we will stand together on the bema and have a B'nai Mitzvah.

I haven't been in school since 1995. I didn't get a graduate degree. Instead, I have been working in the advertising and media industry for almost 20 years. There's been no homework. No reading other than books that I choose. No educational demands. Honestly, I don't have time. The thought of being somewhere every Tuesday night is stressful and tedious. But, I also know through other life experiences, nothing great comes easy. And, that good things comes with a sacrifice. So, on Tuesday nights, I won't be home to put the kids to bed. Spend quality time with my husband the way we like to after a long day. Or, watch a mindless TV show that I crave at the end of busy day. But, it's okay. Tuesday nights will be there in 2015, 16 and so on. And, for now I look forward to this journey that begins on February 11th 2014.

Facebook Break

2014-01-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

It's been 6 years since I jumped on the bandwagon of Facebook. January 2008. I first went on because my British camp friends told me about it after I wrote them a "Hi How Are You?" email. The beginning was really fun. Seeing people grow from 5th grade to 34. It was fun connecting......And, I believe a lot of great things have come from it....reconnecting with old friends. The ability to see my friends' kids grow up from babies to toddles to children. The ability to post my photos so that my friends can see my kids and dogs...my exposed life. Facebook birthdays are fun too, but keeping up with them is hard also!

I believe it is now time for me to take a break. I woke up today feeling blue. For a variety of reasons. Endless snow. My husband's grandma died Monday at 92 only two days after we visited with her. I am grateful that we had that visit, but I feel sad that she died. She was 92, and that's amazing. But, she was alive. And, now she's not. That kind of stuff upsets me. I am working today after being off for a week...looking ahead to my 2014 sales goals. Standing at the bottom of that mountain isn't always fun. My kids are going looney tunes (weather, boredom), and if I hear the word MINECRAFT again I might become the exorcist. Don't get me wrong-I love my kids, but things are just bothering me today....I love this time (break) with them....but I think we are all kind of ready to switch it up a bit. Hence they are now playout OUTSIDE in the snow. And, when I got on Facebook about 30 minutes ago.....what ultimately ended up happening is that I got more down. It made my mood get worse. For no particular reason...it just did.

There are a variety of reasons why I am pausing, and I am not going to bash Facebook. If anything or anyone deserves to be bashed-it's me for spending this time with Social Media. I just need a mental break and pause. I am going to use that screen time to read, create Shutterfly photo albums, play Words With Friends, blog more and get back to the basics. Because ultimately, I will be back. Especially for work it's now become a necessary evil.

But, the true, true reality of the situation is that Facebook has consumed too much of my time and mental space. It's fun for a lot of reasons, but it's not fun for other reasons. There have been studies done on this. How people are actually getting depressed from FACEBOOK! And, my problem is that I am black and white. I can't do anything in the middle. I try, but I don't succeed.

I figure those who want to see my life in pictures can find me on Instagram. I use Twitter about 110 times more than I use Facebook for connecting and work prospecting. I have two separate Twitter handles. And, there's also text, phone and email if you need to reach me. So, I am totally findable to those who want to find me. And, I am okay with that.

So, I wish all my FB friends a HAPPY and HEALTHY 2014. I am sure that I will be back in about a month or so. But, I think that a break is good and necessary. Especially at the beginning of a New Year.

-Kim

40

2013-07-02T15:27:00.001-07:00

Last year I posted a list of the things that I wanted to accomplish by the time I turned 40. I have to say that my over-thinking and equally dramatic build up to this number.... might be actually softening the blow.

However, I will be honest when I say that I am exiting my 30s with a conscious over indulgent explosion of celebration...from a girls weekend in Mexico, several special nights out planned with my husband (yay Book of Mormon finally), my parents coming in for the "actual" event of 40 and some other celebrations with girlfriends.

I haven't looked at this list all year. I have decided now with less than 2 weeks to go, I can check in and see where I fell.

Accept change-I was better at this than I thought I would be. There's been a lot of change this year. I have dealt with it the best I can.
Be the best mom I can-My kids seem to like me, so I think I am doing okay. Then again, it depends on the day. Especially when you have a daughter...
Be the best daughter I can-I try. I have learned that you can't make everyone happy all the time. Including my parents. It's a hard fact, and I have really eased up on myself on this one. Sometimes you have to do what's best for you and not your parents (sorry mom and dad) because you only get one life and it's yours...not theirs.
Be the best friend I can-I feel that I have. In a challenging past year I feel that I gave as much as I could.
Be the best dog-owner I can- Definitely. Although I know Stanley is mad I don't let him on the bed (new comforter)
Donate money to good causes when I can-Yes
Donate clothing to charity-Yes
Help a friend or a stranger in need-Yes
Eat healthy-This has been a big one. In January I did some food restructuring and started a program called Isagenix. It's been a really positive force in my life.
Maintain or lose weight-Yes. Due to the Isagenix I have lost about 14-17 lbs. depending on the day and time of month. I have gone up and down a bit, but overall I can say that I am the lowest weight that I have been since 2011. And, that feels good.
Enjoy wine-I don't really drink wine because of Isagenix. But, I have created a real skinny margarita. Good tequila mixed with fresh lime juice. Or, Vodka and Soda. Trying to keep it "clean" when I do have a cocktail (and I am not in Mexico).
Enjoy good food (notice that comes after the maintain or lose weight part). I have learned to do some great things with vegetables this year. I haven't had more than one steak since January, and I look forward to having a nice fillet on my actual 40th.
Enjoy the company of friends and family-Yes
Enjoy the company of myself-A lot. I have found that I like being alone probably more than I should. I think it's an only child thing. Or, maybe it's a "I am constantly running a marathon every day thing." But, when I have a chance to be alone (I don't mean when I am working)...I do really appreciate myself and the ability to enjoy my time.
Enjoy the company of my children-They are awesome. But, we all have our days
Make room for new friends-I haven't been great in this area. I am lucky to have a lot of friends. Many good ones. Some even closer. And, I haven't really over-extended myself like I normally do to make new friends. It's been a busy year...working full-time, running my kids around etc. I am sad I didn't accomplish this, but I am thankful that I have good, true existing friends.
Continue to cherish old friends-10000%. They are like family.
Accept it when a friendship dissolves for good reason-This I suck at. I have a problem. I want everyone to like me. And, the reality is that that's not real life. I feel like some close friendships of 2011/2012 aren't as close as I had hoped. Sometimes, there's nothing that you can do to make it better. But, the truth is that at this point in my life-I don't have time for bullshit or dead weight or toxic friends. And, I ABSOLUTELY need to be better about letting things go. I really do try to be available for my friends in the best way possible. And, if they aren't receptive to it, then I need to accept it and realize it's their issue. Not mine. That being said, I think that this will always be a work in progress for me.
Exercise-Next please. Honestly, I am shocked and disappointed with myself that I haven't worked out in so, so long. I was a HUGE and DEDICATED work out person. I have let it go. It's terrible. I am now one of those people who are intimidated to get back in. I also think that the two decades of constant pressure to exercise created burn out. I would rather drive my kids' carpools then take an hour out of my day to work out. But, my husband and I are trying to figure out when we can get into yoga. And, I will try to integrate that into my week. Not only is it good for vanity, but mentally I think it's important to have that release. It's on my 41 list for sure!
Swear less-Shit. I think I really fucked this one up.Oops...
Don't be so weather focus-ed-Yes! Success! I embraced winter. I really got into the hibernation thing. Words with friends was a biggie. I watched a ton of TV (not so good) and got addicted to Pinterest. And, now that it's summer I am trying not to obsess when I am stuck inside working and it feels like the rest of the world is at the pool. It's okay to miss a day. Life won't implode.
Read more books-I was better. Love my Kindle and Goodreads.
Filter out BAD TV-except one "stupid" show-I gave up my version of crappy TV. All of it. I don't have time. And, the little time that I do have-I want to take something from it. In exchange I picked up some serious TV: Homeland, Shameless, Dexter, Breaking Bad and Friday Night Lights took me through July 2012-July 2013. In my opinion all good, quality TV.
When I watch TV, watch only good-quality T-See above. Unfortunately, I watched too much of it.
Be compassionate-I think I am. I try to put myself in other people's shoes.
Try to be less sensitive (thicker skin not being sensitive to others)-Failed at this one. There's always 41.
Be more patient and tolerant- Definitely a hard one for me. I have to do a lot of counting. And, I have to think before I react. That being said I did OK, but I can always be better. Still a focus for 41.
Listen to new music-It wasn't my biggest music year. I think I was too busy watching TV! I love music, and I Shazam every song I like, but I haven't been that great about adding to my collection.
Listen less to old music that brings me down-yes
Tell my kids that I love them every day-yes
Put my laundry away more regularly-Next one, please.
Win Rookie of the year for The Bump-Accomplished!! Plus, another top honors sales award!
Hit my sales weekly and cover goals-Accomplished!
Maintain important relationships by seeing friends more often-Wasn't as good in the winter. Try to see people when I can. Weeknights are hard. Weekends are packed. I feel like everyone I know is in the same position. I am really trying to put less social pressure on myself and just be available to my kids.
Be a good listener-Can you repeat that? Just kidding. I think that I listen. I am horrible about listening to Minecraft discussion (sorry kids). But, other than that I think I am "ok". As a matter of fact I was visiting with one of my oldest and dearest friends recently. We were standing on the street talking. And, she said to me as she got chocked up...."you really listen to me." And, I said "of course I do...!" That made me feel good. Thank you, friend, you know who you are.
Be less judgmental-I'm Jewish. It's in the blood.
Criticize myself less-No
Be open-minded-Yes
Go to the city (as in the city of Chicago) whenever possible-Better sometimes than other times.
Visit somewhere new this year-Ireland!

So, that's it. I need to keep looking at this list each year adding new things (see future blog that isn't written yet because I still have 2 weeks!). Life doesn't stop at 40. I still better have 60 good ones in front of me!

Will they remember this feeling?

2012-08-21T18:57:00.005-07:00

I always find myself extremely introspective when life change happens. Today I found myself thinking a lot about my past and the present because school starts tomorrow. Summer is over. Not the season but the vacation away from school life. Schedules happen. Bedtimes matter. Homework begins.

In these moments I think about my own personal experiences in grade school as I watch my kids move up the #s each year. This year actually marks the first time in 9 years that school is essentially free (aside from property taxes aka suburban tuition, school supplies, lunch and a small registration fee), and it also marks a time where both of my kids are in an official numbered "grade", 4th and 1st.

I remember every one of my teachers K-6. I remember feeling like a big kid on my first day of kindergarten. I also had a lot of reflection today when I thought about 1st and 4th grade because I had the same teacher, Mrs. Ermilio, for both. Mrs. Ermilio was a demanding teacher, but she was my favorite teacher. Three years ago, I found her on Facebook the day my son started 1st grade. I wrote her a long letter about how influential she was, and how excited I was to see her on Facebook. We are now Facebook friends. And, she refers to herself as Bonnie. Not Mrs. Ermilio. I keep trying to put myself in my kids' shoes to remember and to feel how those grades felt. I remember 1st grade was more demanding. I remember 2nd grade made me nervous. Thank you Mrs. Brantley. I remember that in 3rd grade Mrs. Goodwin we made ice cream when we learned all of our times tables. And, I remember in 4th grade we learned a lot about famous artists. In 5th grade I had Mr. Kee. He was a fun teacher. It was the first time I had a male teacher. And, then there was 6th grade. Mrs. Brown. Not my favorite, but I obviously survived her because here I am reflecting on elementary school.

Part of me wishes I could go back. Relive it. Feel those feelings as I am experiencing them. And, part of me doesn't want to feel the insecurities of a 10 year old girl who got her period in 5th grade. That spring my daily goal was to successfully hide my tampons in the inside of my Members Only jacket so that nobody would find them. 29 years later, I can feel that feeling right now as I write about it.

When my kids leave for school tomorrow I will sit at my desk and think to myself how am I 39? How do I have a 4th grader and a 1st grader? And, how will they feel in their day? Will they remember this feeling? And, I can't wait to hear all about it when they get home.

39

2012-07-12T15:13:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. I was born on Friday, July 13, 1973. And, while some people won't work on the 13th floor of a high rise.... or sit in the 13th aisle of an airplane...I look at 13 as my lucky number. Tomorrow marks my 39th birthday. The last year of my 30s. It does not seem possible. Where did 30-38 go? Why do the days go slowly and the years go fast?

Fortunately or unfortunately (depends on how you look at it), I am a goal-oriented person. I sell advertising, and I am constantly surrounded by the word "goal". It is amazing to me how much I want to hit my goal or surpass my goal. It's just how I am programmed.

But, lately I have lost sight of personal goals. Life gets busy. So, I have decided to put a list together as I enter my 39th year, and see where I land in 366 days. I would I really would like to enter 40 gracefully as a woman should. And, I keep telling myself that 40 is the new 30. Right? I know that have to keep focused on what is important. And, what isn't. What matters. And, what doesn't. One of my very best friends has an expression that is, "Everything else is noise". And, she's right.

I am not saying that I don't already do the things on this list, but I want to either continue doing those things or get better at doing those things. So, here's my list. My personal goals for the next 366 days. Enjoy:

Accept change
Be the best mom I can
Be the best daughter I can
Be the best friend I can
Be the best dog-owner I can
Donate money to good causes when I can
Donate clothing to charity
Help a friend or a stranger in need
Eat healthy
Maintain or lose weight
Enjoy wine
Enjoy good food (notice that comes after the maintain or lose weight part)
Enjoy the company of friends and family
Enjoy the company of myself
Enjoy the company of my children
Make room for new friends
Continue to cherish old friends
Accept it when a friendship dissolves for good reason
Exercise
Swear less
Don't be so weather focus-ed
Read more books
Filter out BAD TV-except one "stupid" show (sorry Gossip Girl but I might need to pick 90210 as my only guilty pleasure)
When I watch TV, watch only good-quality TV
Be compassionate
Try to be less sensitive (thicker skin not being sensitive to others)
Be more patient and tolerant
Listen to new music
Listen less to old music that brings me down
Tell my kids that I love them every day
Put my laundry away more regularly
Win Rookie of the year for The Bump
Hit my sales weekly and cover goals
Maintain important relationships by seeing friends more often
Be a good listener
Be less judgemental
Criticize myself less
Be open-minded
Go to the city (as in the city of Chicago) whenever possible
Visit somewhere new this year

Thoughts?

My 21 most listened to songs in 2011

2011-12-30T16:40:00.000-08:00

One of the benefits of spending a lot of time alone is the ability to listen to and explore music. Over the years I have really opened up my mind to all kinds of music. I love listening to old music. I love sharing music with others. And, I truly don't know how I would get through many of my days without it.

Here's my list of songs (not in any particular order) that I listened to the most in 2011. They aren't necessarily my "favorites", but they made strong IPod appearances. It doesn't mean that these songs were released in 2011. Some of them I Shazamed. Some of them were sent to me by friends. Some of them are pretty old. Some are really new. Some are fun. Some are classic and soulful. Some are happy. Some aren't. But, I hope you take at least one of them away with you to enjoy in 2012.

The Scientist-Coldplay
For You-Tin Sparrow
Magnolia Mountain-Ryan Adams
Alex Chilton-The Replacements
Cuyahoga-R.E.M.
Fade into You-Mazzy Star
Stop for a Minute-Keane
Last Friday Night-Katy Perry
Chugjug-Family of the Year
The Ghost Inside-Broken Bells
Home-Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
Waiting in Vain-Bob Marley & The Wailers
Rain and Snow-The Be Good Tanyas
Paper Bag-Fiona Apple
Collide-Howie Day
A Year Without Rain-Selena Gomez
Open Your Eyes-Snow Patrol
The Last DJ-Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Should've Been in Love-Wilco
Nova Baby & Dead and Gone-The Black Keys (Likely to be my most listened to album of 2012. These songs are new but have been played at least 100 times in the past two weeks. Couldn't pick one over the other)

Bread and Butter

2011-12-19T20:27:00.000-08:00

I didn't used to be superstitious. Or, at least I don't remember being superstitious when I was a kid. But, as my years have progressed, so have my superstitions. I've kind of collected them over the years. Some of them I don't even think about. I silently carry them with me. And, some of them I think about almost every day. I was talking to a friend recently, who isn't superstitions, and he asked me how my belief in superstition would rub off on my children or on parenting? I had never thought about it, really. I thought it was a good question.

It all kind of started when I was a freshman in college. I was walking through the crowded streets of Madison the first week of school with my best friend who is really, really superstitions. Out of nowhere, or what I thought was out of nowhere, she says, "Bread and butter." I looked at her like she was nuts. She had proceeded to tell me that we had been split up between a lamppost, and when two friends get split apart you're supposed to say out loud "Bread and butter." This way, you won't be separated in your life as friends. From that point on, I can't remember a time that I won't say "Bread and butter" when I am walking with a friend (or my kids) and we split up. I am not sure if I have explained this one to my kids. But, I'm pretty sure that if they haven't picked up on it, eventually they are going to wonder why I say "Bread and butter" occasionally when we are walking.

I set my alarm clock to 7:13. That's my birthday. I feel like it will be a good day if I wake up at 7:13. Clearly, this always isn't the case because some days are good and some days aren't. But, regardless, every night I set my alarm to 7:13. And, if I need to get up earlier, I'd ideally like there to be a 3 in the time. I also like 7:31(31 is the reverse of 13) if I am able to sleep in a little. I don't have my kids hooked on a specific alarm clock time yet. I feel like this is something that will just happen on its own, if it happens at all.

One of the superstitions that have rubbed off on my kids now happens when we board a plane. I always get on the plane with my right foot first. Always. My son also does it now. And, just recently my 5 1/2 year old daughter did too. I also kiss my right hand and touch the plane when I get on. I am not that obvious when I do it. I just do it. So, I'm not sure if they will figure that one out either. Regardless, they now get on the plane right foot first.

A few nights ago I was getting ready for a party. I was holding up a small mirror that I use to see the back of my hair. It slipped out of my hands and shattered all over the floor. I went into minor panic (bad luck), and then my 5 1/2 year old came in the bathroom. I didn't go into the whole thing with her because I didn't want to totally freak her out. But, I am not really all that big of a fan of breaking a mirror. Is anybody? Or, are there people out there who don't care? I care. Probably too much.

I would say that 11:11 is my biggest daily one. I try to catch 11:11 twice a day. And, when I do, I make a wish. I'm not usually with my kids at 11:11, unless it's a weekend. And, if I happen to catch 11:11 I will usually say, "It's 11:11. Make a wish." I know they have heard that one. I wonder if they just sit there and roll their eyes. I am too busy wishing to pay attention, but maybe I should next time.

Touching wood. I do this a lot. If I say something that I don't want to happen or is glad that didn't happen, I say, "touch wood." and then actually touch wood (or my head if no wood is available).

A few others:

*I never give a knife to someone without including a penny with it. You don't want to sever the relationship.

*Fingers crossed when you are hoping for something important or good to happen or for something to work out.

*Make a wish if you are wearing a necklace, the clasp falls in front, and you need to turn it around.

These are rituals that I naturally integrate into my every day living. I am confident that many people do the same. I don't think it has a direct tie to parenting, but I do know that these things get passed on from generation to generation. I think it'll be interesting to see what my kids take along with them and what they decide to skip over. In the meantime, I'll keep my fingers crossed that it all turns out okay.

Halloween is Halloween

2011-10-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

Here are some of things that I sometimes find myself saying to my kids: We didn't have Iphones when I was your age. We didn't have DVRs when I was your age. That's right...we couldn't just pause live TV. We didn't have On Demand. We watched what was on the 5 channels that we had and went to the bathroom when there was a commercial. Really, you like commercials? Well, you wouldn't like them if you HAD to watch them all the time like we did. We didn't have portable DVD players. When we drove in the car for 6-7 hours, we looked out the window. We had records, eight track tapes, cassette tapes and walk mans. I didn't have a computer until I was in 9th grade. And, typing was called typing. Not keyboarding.

Generations do this. They talk about the way things were against the way things are. That's how it's always been, and I suspect that's how it always will be.

But, one of the times when I don't find myself talking about how things were different...is when it comes to Halloween. Despite some of the additional bells and whistles of costume choice, improved decorations and the friendly suggestion of not eating opened candy for fear of razor blades or poison, it's pretty much the same as it was in the 70s, 80s, 90s and 00s. My kids enjoy Charlie Brown's The Great Pumpkin just as I did. It's nice to show up at my kids' schools, watch a good old fashion costume parade followed by a Halloween party. Halloween feels the same now as it did "then". And, I like it that way. You dress up. You walk around. You look for the "good candy houses". You ring the doorbell. And, then you say "Trick or Treat". You hope that you get a full size candy bar. And, when you do-it's the best thing that ever happened. It's pretty simple. And, it's the same as it was for me. And, it was the same as it was for my parents. Trick or Treating remains unchanged.

The differences of now vs. then haven't changed the actual events of Halloween. You can, of course, order costumes online...which obviously wasn't the case in 1979 or 1989. And, the candy is a little less simple. I didn't even know that Snickers had an almond version until tonight. Between health movements and very dangerous food allergies (usually at least one child/class)...the food at parties in our school district consist of pre-wrapped foods with all ingredients listed. There are now healthy snacks (fresh fruit, cheese and yogurt) and no hand-dipped pretzels or Oreos. Back in my day-there is no way a pumpkin face tangerine would have made its way into my classroom. Small differences haven't changed this big tradition.

I really like that Halloween is Halloween. I suspect that the kids of 2040 will be much more technologically advanced than the kids of 2011. But, even if that's the case I am pretty sure that they will still dress up, walk around the neighborhood and say "Trick or Treat."

It sucks being a parent when you're sick

2011-10-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

On a day with perfect conditions and perfect harmony it is hard to be a parent. I don't care if you have babies, young kids, teenagers or even adult children. It's hard. And, I've only had babies and young kids so far....I mean...don't get me wrong-it's amazing and great, but it still comes with regular, ordinary, everyday challenges. But, one of the biggest challenges, in my opinion, is taking care of your kids when you are sick...and they aren't. Now, if they're sick and you're sick at the same time...everyone is on equal playing fields. But, if they are fine (which of course you hope that they are)... and you aren't..That’s where it gets ugly.

Starting Wednesday I got sick with what I am now thinking was a 24-hour stomach flu virus thing. I was completely out of commission yesterday (Thursday). Thursday morning after literally being up sick all night, I packed their lunches, gave them breakfast and sent them off to school. I felt like I ran a 1/2 marathon because it took every amount of physical and mental strength to forge ahead. I actually don't even remember it happening because I was so ill, but I know that somehow they got fed and got from home to school, and I had something to do with it. For the first time since September I was actually thankful and happy that my kids were gone all day. That probably came out the wrong way...What I really mean is that I typically miss them and think about them when they are at school, but yesterday I was glad that I didn't have a preschooler home all afternoon and school had the opportunity to take care of them better than I ever could have. Yesterday when 3:30 came around, I was not looking forward to the hours ahead. Again, that sounds terrible. Usually 3:30 is the moment when all the homework, shuttling and fun begin for us. But, not yesterday. Hebrew school was canceled. Playdates weren't made because I was supposed to be driving carpool for Hebrew school, and my kids were coming home to stay. How many hours until 8pm?

For the most part all rules go out the window when I'm sick. You want to watch 2 hours of TV on a school night in the basement far, far away from my room? Ok great! See you in 2 hours! You want to go upstairs and take a shower, and I won't be up there cleaning up your rooms and reading books to you afterwards? Awesome. I'll be hiding quietly in my bed while you go do that. Both of those scenarios would have been ideal if that had happened. But, my suggestion of watching a movie (which would have gotten me 2+ hours) turned into them watching two shows (40 minutes). Then, they decided that they wanted dinner. Of course the kids need to eat....And, let me just say without getting into too much detail-that dinner last night was one of the worst experiences of my life. I am not exaggerating. Not being able to keep anything down yesterday-looking or smelling food wasn't a really good option for me. But, thankfully my healthy kids (touch wood) were as hungry as ever. And, what did they want for dinner? Meatballs and spaghetti. And, what made me throw up when I was a child? And, still makes me sick when I see or smell it? Yep.... you guessed it-meatballs and spaghetti. It was horrible.... And, because I had been sick, I hadn't been to the store. So, I didn't really have any other options. So, meatballs and spaghetti it was. I literally couldn't make it through dinner, and had to leave them at the table. It was horrible.

Then after dinner, I should have really pushed that movie. That would have bought me some time until my husband got home. Instead, my sweet son.... wanted to put on a cello concert for me. I still really wasn't able to sit up in bed so I am lying there half dead listening to Mary Had a Little Lamb and another tune that he's learned. I am so proud of him, and his gesture of the concert was so thoughtful...but the timing wasn't ideal. But, of course I can't say that to an 8 year old.... So, the concert (at full volume) happened. And, finally after about 30 minutes I applauded to the best of my ability and suggested that they take showers. Peace and quiet at last! Nope. That's when the fighting began. My 5 1/2 year old defaced a picture that she had hanging on her closet that my son made her on her 4th birthday...He was upset that she ruined it...saying that there are no time machines to take them back in time to fix the picture. Then, she felt bad and got upset...And, I was upset because they were upset. This time, I just wanted them to solve their own problems for the day. Nothing that I describe above is any different than an ordinary day, but when you're sick it just feels all the many times worse. My parenting skills were at best mediocre....It was really, really hard. And, I know there are worse things in life...but this was momentarily brutal. Today, I am just praying that neither of them get it.

I am a huge sufferer of mommy guilt. And, last night's guilt was that I couldn't give them what they needed. They needed their mom, and I couldn't really give myself to them. Normally, when I am sick I will sit in bed with my laptop and get semi-excited to watch a movie and some bad daytime commercials. I will rally for them and do some activity around the house. But, yesterday was a total utter blur. As Katy Perry would say it was an "epic fail". So, how could I possibly be a good parent? Bottom line-I couldn't. I told them about 20 times that I was sorry that I couldn't take better care of them. And, they understood. But, I am really glad yesterday is over. For all of us.