Suburban Turmoil

Good Things

2009-11-08T15:04:00.004-06:00

Coming up tomorrow is another one of those posts I'm afraid to publish.

BUT FIRST!

Be sure and check out a few giveaways I've got going on right now. The holidays are practically on top of us and now is a great time to get what you can for FREE!

Here's a cute little bag from the Thirty-One line.

And here's another great game giveaway from Gamewright!

Three of you will win iTunes gift cards!

And enter to win a full set of Aveeno baby products! They're awesome.

Good luck and see you here tomorrow!

There's a Reason It's Called Suburban Turmoil

2009-11-06T08:35:00.002-06:00

What can I say, guys? This blog has been sadly neglected over the last few weeks, with good reason. I've gone on a roadtrip, continued adjusting to life as a kindergarten mom, chased after my 2-year-old son, weathered a few family crises, and lost ten pounds. Tis the season, I guess, for Turmoil. Never anticipated, never appreciated, but it happens and I just have to get through it the best I can.

I ~~hope~~ ~~pray~~ think things may finally be getting straightened out and I've got lots of great posts coming up, starting on Monday. So thanks for sticking around- and stay tuned for the old Suburban Turmoil you knew and loved. Or hated. Whatever. You show up, so you must be getting something out of it.

In the meantime, I hope you'll check out this week's newspaper edition of Suburban Turmoil, in which I reveal an embarrassing secret from my past. Leave a comment over there if you'd like and I'll stop by your blog. Just be sure to include your URL so that I can find you.

And have a wonderful fall weekend.

From the Suburban Turmoil Mailbag

2009-11-04T07:48:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I get sort of a lot of weird e-mails (although hardly any trolls, which is great, given all the crazy things I've written about). If I can remember, I save them in an inbox folder for days like this, when I could use a good laugh. Here are a few good ones.

Just Call Me Teri Hatcher

To: Suburban Turmoil
From: Ratna
Subject: about suburban

Hello Lindsay…

firstly, Let me introduce myself, my name is ratna but just call me nana
I’m from Indonesia , and also I’m still as a student college in English department
well I’m so interest with you’re works… Your blogs…firstly, I like the picture site about suburban house with the cover of women. And I won’t to critics or give any comments about that, but here I need little help… Especially I need to know and want to get information about suburban. Such as the Identity of suburban women, the lifestyle in suburban area. Anything like community, society, environment or something like Model of the house in suburban area. Just like in desperate housewives drama series. Maybe you have some references that can help me, because I’ve few of data about suburban. I need that because I’m doing research thesis as prerequirement to pass my bachelor degree. I would be gratefully thank you if you give me the information or references about suburban. Nice to know you.

((Title))

To: Suburban Turmoil
From: Tessie Fowler
Subject: Connecting with Playwhee

Good Afternoon ((Name)),

I am writing to you on behalf of a play area manufacturer, Playwhee. Playwhee considers you a valuable resource for moms and families. They understand how important it is their children have a safe and healthy lifestyle.

Playwhee creates soft play equipment playgrounds and structures for companies across the globe! Their play areas give parents a safe and fun environment to take their kids anytime they need to burn off a little energy.

Let our Playwhee’s Expertise help readers of the ((blogname)).

((angle)). If you perceive that visitors to the ((blogname)) might benefit from our stories, tips and information, we would like to provide you with content specific to your website’s content needs.

To: Tessie Fowler
From: Suburban Turmoil
Subject: re: Connecting with Playwhee

Good afternoon, ((Tessie!))

Thanks for sending ((me)) an e-mail! It feels really good to know that you read ((blogname)). I would love to include your ((angle)) on ((blogname)). In fact, I can think of nothing I'd like more than telling ((blogname)) readers about your ((angle))!

Best,

((Name))

Opportunity Knocks

To: Suburban Turmoil
From: Sal Kola
Subject: Loopty Lee

Hi

My name is Sal and I am a Grandmother hoping to become a GG (great grandmother) in the not too distant future. I wrote and illustrated a book entitled Loopty Lee. You can see the first 16 pages of this charming children’s book when you visit my website . This is a very small publisher, only my friend and I. If you wish to purchase Loopty follow the directions in the site.

However, since so many Moms need to earn extra money today, I would be happy to help you sell Loopty from your home or for your kid’s school or wherever for a fund raiser. If you do wish to sell it, contact me and I will email you information about how to go about doing so and how much money you can earn per book. Even if you do not want to either buy or sell Loopty, I would appreciate if you would give this information to your friends.

Thanks,

Sal

NUTTS

To: Suburban Turmoil
From: Mrs. Louise Cotta
Subject: Cinderella

So i haven't been on in a while new job has got me NUTTS to say the least so i Need want to know did you ever say hi to keifer and his ugly wife Savannah omg i so have fun story as well one of my patients is about like severely old and well she has pictures and all kinds of stuff from the music industry in Nashville well anyway and she Andy griggs called here while i was giving here a vit b12 shot it was great and she invited me over for lunch so excited to go .. anyway glad to give you update when i go by the way she is a songwriter and has wrote songs for conway merle many others. ok iam out but still yet if you happen to get to go over to the infamous toms house so stare for about 24 hrs for me .. so how that he has gotten older just seems like Wine it gets better as it ages lol

You Only Need to See the Subject Line of This E-Mail

To: Suburban Turmoil
From: Nina Mariel
Subject: Does products like Baby Einstein make your child smarter?

What's the weirdest e-mail you've gotten lately?

Halloweeeeeen!

2009-11-02T15:28:00.008-06:00

Halloween came and went and a good time was had by all.

I congratulated myself on surviving yet another Halloween using items from our dress-up box in the playroom, although we had a near-crisis Wednesday, when we went to see the stage show of Little House on the Prairie" and Punky informed me afterward that she absolutely had to be Laura Ingalls for Halloween and nothing else would do.

Fortunately, my kind friend Amanda had given her a prairie bonnet at the show, which went a long way toward making her last-minute costume happen. I paired it with a brown-patterned dress, added a fancy long apron and brown leather boots, and we were good to go. The freckles were not my idea- Punky insisted I draw stubble on her face after I drew it on Bruiser and freckles were our compromise. All in all, though, I have to admit that it was gratifying seeing my Laura Ingalls out there alongside all the Hannah Montanas and Jasmines and Ariels.

The best part was when she was outside playing with friends before trick-or-treating began. I went out to check on her and spied her walking blindly about with her bonnet pulled over her face.

"Punky, what on earth?" I asked.

"I'm Mary now, Mommy!" Punky said excitedly. "I'm Mary in the part where she's blind!"

A double-duty costume! That's my girl.

The challenge with Bruiser was convincing him to wear a costume at all. I figured a cowboy costume was about as good as it was going to get for him. The hat lasted all of two minutes and soon after that, he began trying to pull off his vest and bandana.

"You can't get candy without a costume, Bruiser," I warned him sternly. "They just won't give you anything unless you wear your costume."

The costume stayed on.

This was the first year Bruiser did more than sit in the stroller and Punky took admirable care of him, dragging him along with her to each door and instructing him on what to do.

"Trick or treat!" she'd say at each house. "Say trick or treat, Bruiser!"

"Trig oh treed!"

"Thank you!" she'd say sweetly once the candy had been distributed. "Say thank you, Bruiser!"

"Thag you!"

They made quite a pair.

Nightmare at the Shopping Mall. Er, Part II

2009-10-30T07:10:00.005-05:00

Think of it as Mall Week over here at Suburban Turmoil.

My parents live about ten minutes from an Atlanta mall, and what with its carousel and play area and Build-a-Bear and department stores and boutiques, I was over there nearly every day last week for one thing or another, so much that it was getting kind of embarrassing. I mean, I was on a first-name basis with half the mall employees by the time it was all over.

And wouldn't you know, it sort of became a new theme in my writing. The shopping mall is not my addiction, people! It's my muse! (And yes, you are welcome to use that line on your husband. It's a good one, isn't it?)

It inspired this week's newspaper edition of Suburban Turmoil, in which I experience something with which all of you are no doubt all too familiar.

It's the one thing that I HATE about the mall. And I'm betting you do, too.

Feel free to leave a comment over at the Nashville Scene if you like, and I'll visit your blog. Don't forget to leave your URL so that I can find you.

Whatever You Do, Don't Look at This Picture Upside Down. I'm Begging You.

2009-10-28T10:14:00.005-05:00

All in the name of beauty, my friends. Beauty, Uncensored, that is. You can find out what the hell is going on (and see some insane photos) in the latest installment of my beauty column, over at Her Nashville Magazine.

Also, for those of you in Nashville, Punky and I got to see opening night of "Little House on the Prairie" last night at TPAC, starring Melissa Gilbert as Ma, and Punky absolutely LOVED it. Guess who wants to be Laura Ingalls now for Halloween? The show runs through November 1st.

And this Saturday at TPAC, "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" will be performed IN BLACKLIGHT, with trick-or-treating afterward in the lobby. My kids can't wait. You can get more information here.

Okay, announcement time is over. I've had a lot of readers come up to me lately, asking for ideas on fun things to do in Nashville with the kids, so I'll throw a few in here every now and then.

The Reluctant Shopper

2009-10-27T06:10:00.001-05:00

As I head for a dressing room with The Dress of My Dreams hanging over one arm, a saleswoman stops me.

"You're going to need a bigger size than that," she says.

I freeze.

"This is the biggest size you have left," I said. "And it's my size."

She half chuckles. "Let me know if you need help trying to zip it up," she says nastily, backing away. I continue on toward the dressing rooms, my head spinning.

You're going to need a bigger size than that?! I ask myself. Let me know if you need help zipping it up?! What the hell was that supposed to mean? I shut the dressing room door and examine myself critically in the full-length mirror. Shockingly, I seem to have gained a good 25 pounds in the last half-hour. Back at Macys, where I started this shopping trip, I'd been feeling good about how I looked. In fact, as I'd twirled in front of the mirror, I'd fancied that after two weeks of dieting, I was almost approaching... svelte.

But here, things are different. I'm going to need a bigger size than that. I stare at The Dress of My Dreams dismally. The woman is probably right. I mean, what does she do all day except watch women try on things that didn't fit? Realizing this, I don't even want to bother with the rag. I can save a good five to ten minutes if I just leave, without putting myself through the humilation of trying on a dress that everyone in the front of the store must now be surely whispering is way too small.

But I have my pride. If I leave without trying the dress on, it will be admitting defeat. And I can't do that. Oh, no. I can't do that. Reluctantly, I take off my shirt and jeans, step into the dress, and pull it up over my legs. Immediately, I can tell it's going to be, um, snug.

After a mighty struggle, I manage to get it up over my shoulders. To hell with the zipper. It already fits me like it was painted on, and somehow, I don't think that's the look Ann Taylor was going for.

Red faced, I peel it off my body and carefully hang it up. Quickly, I get dressed and then exit the dressing room on tiptoe. I peep around the corner. The saleswoman has her back to me. The last thing I need to hear right now is a smirky, "Oh! It didn't work out for you? I'm so sorry!"

And so I make a break for the entrance. From the dressing room, I can almost hear The Dress of My Dreams, mocking me. "You're going to need a bigger size than this, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!" I cross the store's threshold at a trot and break into a run once I hit the mall, panicked, sweat trickling down my back.

And people wonder why I don't go shopping more often.

The Slow Parent

2009-10-23T09:51:00.004-05:00

There are Alpha Moms and helicopter parents, Sanctimommies and soccer moms. No matter what you do as a parent, someone out there has coined a term for you, and likely profited off of it in the process.

Even if you do nothing at all.

Yes, those moms of the Mad Men era, the ones who watched soap operas while their children tore up the house, dropped off mouthy children on the side of the road and made them walk home, and had, you know, a life that didn't always involve their offspring, now are enjoying newfound popularity.

And there's even a name for them. Three names, actually, which tells you this lazy parenting thing really might have some staying power.

I write about the lazy parent renaissance in this week's newspaper edition of Suburban Turmoil, and even try it out for myself. Find out how it went over at the Nashville Scene.

And I'd love to know what you think about these "revolutionary" parenting styles. Is it backlash for all the over-parenting we've seen lately? Is it dangerous to practice the "give them lots and lots of freedom" approach in this day and age? Or is this what we as parents should have been doing all along?

Comment over at the Scene if you'd like and I'll come visit your blog. And for those of you who've been commenting on my last Scene column- I haven't forgotten you! I'm just on vacation this week with extremely limited Internet access. (I'm at Starbucks now, getting ready to write next week's column!) I'll visit your blogs as soon as I get back home.

Have a wonderful fall weekend.

*And goodness, I keep forgetting to tell you all about two excellent giveaways I have going right now over at my reviews blog. First, there's a GREAT game for kids that I highly recommend, created and signed by the creator of the I Spy books. And second, there's a giveaway to promote The Vampire's Assistant (which opens today and looks REALLY good) with an AWESOME grand prize that includes a $50 Fandango gift certificate! Go enter! You have a great chance of winning!

Close Call

2009-10-21T07:52:00.004-05:00

The thought of Monteagle had been haunting me for days.

It’s the most daunting part of a trip from Nashville to Atlanta, involving a steep drive up one side of a mountain and a harrowing ride down the other. But to keep things in perspective, I’d put its fear factor at about three.

Monteagle, you see, has neither the seat-clutching thrill of the highway up to Highlands, North Carolina nor the Lord's Prayer-inducing switchbacks on the mountainous road leading to Ouray, Colorado, a road so dangerous that they close it during the winter months, leaving the entire town completely cut off from civilization.

I’ve been on both those roads and survived. And I’ve driven back and forth over Monteagle at least a hundred times. Despite that, all last week, each time I thought of my impending road trip, I got nervous.

Still, I had decided not to let my fears rule my life. Beyond that, I’d promised Punky and Bruiser a trip over fall break to see their grandparents. Resolutely, I put Monteagle out of my mind, loaded up the car and the kids, and headed out onto the open road. We drove on Sunday, when the sun was shining, the air was crisp and the traffic was minimal. Bruiser fell asleep almost instantly, Punky quickly became engrossed in a DVD, and life was good. We made it to Monteagle with no problem and climbed to the top without incident.

As I drove across the top of the mountain, I passed off my fears to watching too much television news. But then I saw road signs warning of our impending descent, and my stomach roiled. I began breathing faster and felt the cold grip of panic around my heart.

This is crazy, I told myself. You can’t give into this... this... paranoia. I took a few deep breaths and formulated a quick plan. I would drive down the mountain in the right hand lane and go very, very slow. I would keep lots of distance between my car and the cars around me. I would be extra cautious. I would be fine.

I said a quick prayer, moved into the right lane, rested my foot lightly on the brake, and began coasting down the mountain. Cars sped past me on my left. I looked straight ahead, focusing on getting down the mountain safely and leaving my ridiculous worries behind.

As I neared the bottom of the mountain, I breathed a sigh of relief. We were going to make it. My fears had been completely unfounded. And then, all of a sudden, the wheel turned outward on a bicycle strapped to the back of the SUV in front of me. The bike lurched away from its rack.

“No!” I gasped, and at that moment, the bicycle flew off the back of the car, right into my path.

“Oh God!” I shouted as the bike bounced on the interstate. I swerved and managed to edge my car right around the bike. Had I been a normal “safe” distance behind that car, and not a panic attack-induced ridiculously cautious one, the bike would likely have hit my windshield or gotten caught up in the undercarriage of my car.

I looked into my rearview mirror and saw cars swerving right and left around the final curve of the mountain, trying to avoid the bike as it bounced across the interstate. The bike’s owner pulled off into the emergency lane. How they planned to recover their bicycle, I have no idea.

For a moment, I was speechless as the adrenaline continued to course through my body. Finally, I spoke, tears in my eyes.

“Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God,” I whispered over and over again. It was a sappy Guideposts kind of moment and I didn't even care. I looked back at my kids in the rearview mirror. They were jabbering happily to each other, completely unaware of how close we had all come to disaster.

My family called my strange fear of Monteagle a premonition. Whatever it was, it just might have saved three lives. And so I think I'll be listening more often to the worrisome little voice of caution that whispers in my ear from time to time. Maybe it'll be wrong.

But what if it's right?

Balance

2009-10-20T07:41:00.001-05:00

Maybe you've wondered what's been with me the last month or two. I've still been posting here, but not quite as often as I used to.

Well, things have changed a bit in my life. First, Backtalk went on permanent hiatus and then my contract with Parents.com expired. When those contracts ended, Hubs and I took it in stride. I've been freelancing long enough to understand the ebb and flow of work. I realized that I'd likely have only a few months of this extra freedom with my children before other opportunities came along.

And I've been trying to squeeze every drop of goodness out of this time that I can.

We've gone to the zoo and fall festivals and the park and indoor playcenters.

We've scheduled playdates and I've trailed behind the kids with my camera as they ran on legs that seemed to never grow tired.

I've volunteered in Punky's classroom and chaperoned field trips.

And I've been giving Bruiser the one-on-one mommy time he's been craving. He's learning that life can be fun even when Punky's not around to do everything for him.

You understand, don't you? These opportunities won't be around forever.

But I'll be honest- even as I spend hours helping Punky learn to read and playing cars with Bruiser on the rug and transporting children to ballet class and taking hours out of my precious writing time each week to help in the classroom or have lunch with my daughter, I worry.

I worry that in the act of not shortchanging my children, I am shortchanging myself.

Because while I may feel like mother of the year right now, I also have ideas for essays and columns that are lost because I never took a moment to scribble them down. Hilarious posts that never get written. Business contacts that aren't maintained. Career opportunities that are missed.

My children aren't getting the short end of the stick right now, but I am. I'm feeling the urge to do work that doesn't involve children getting stronger and more insistent. Plus, our finances are suffering and I feel that familiar guilt seeping into my mind, because I know that if I worked a little harder at it, I could almost certainly find something to fix them.

It has occurred to me that as a mom, trying to maintain a balance between our children and our selves, whether that involves a career or simple human potential, is difficult. In fact, it's downright excruciating.

And I know we all run across women who claim that they've struck that balance and that their lives are just perfect with their jobs and their children or their decisions to work for home or stay at home entirely. Oh, things just couldn't be better!

But you know what? I think they're lying.

Maintaining this balance between realizing my potential as a mom and as a woman is one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

And I can't mess this up. Too much depends on it.

So please pardon the mess. I've spent the last year swinging wildly first in one direction, heady with career success. Now, I've swung back the other way and I swear I'm giving Donna Reed a run for her money. Let's hope I can spend these last few months of 2009 finding a place somewhere in the middle.

Here's to learning the fine art of balance, both in my life and yours.

Week(end) Links

2009-10-17T10:33:00.002-05:00

Another week is coming to a close and that means it's time for another post with random links and thoughts from me. I think of you all as an extended circle of friends and there are always a bunch of interesting (to me, anyway) tidbits that I want to share with you. So this is the time when I do that.

I've gotten a few e-mails and comments from people who aren't happy with this practice, which makes me a laugh a little, but if you're one of them, all I can say is um, come during the week for "real posts." And come here on the weekend if you'd like some light entertainment and ideas that I can't really write an entire post about. Make sense?

Anyway.

I made a couple of dishes this week that I would totally recommend to anyone.

First off, we're trying to watch our budget right now and boneless pork chops were deeply discounted at Kroger (and they're always inexpensive), so I made this family favorite from Allrecipes.com: Tonkatsu, which is an Asian-style Pork Chop. It sounds a lot more exotic than it is and just ignore the picture used in the recipe, because mine look NOTHING like that when I'm done. It is a really easy, fairly quick way to make pork chops that are absolutely delicious and it useds panko, an extra crispy breading that Progresso is now making- which means you can actually find it in your regular old grocery store! Try panko if you haven't already, and I bet you'll be as addicted to it as I am. It makes for a MUCH crispier coating, without adding extra calories. I'm totally going to use panko the next time I do fish and chips.

Um. Okay. I got a little too excited about panko there and now I'm feeling like a loser.

Last night, I made this Couscous chicken salad and WOW. It's delicious and incredibly healthy, with fresh basil, tomatoes, chickpeas, and green onions. Make it the day before you plan to eat it and let it sit overnight for a real treat. A few notes- Sherry vinegar is hard to find, but you can pour a 1/4 cup of cooking sherry, remove a tablespoonful, and add a tablespoon of red wine vinegar to recreate the flavor. I might use a little more of the "sherry vinegar" I made in this recipe the next time I make it, as well as a little more olive oil. Just be prepared to add it to taste when you're putting the salad together.

Are you still with me?

Tonight, I'm making Old Bay Shrimp Salad, and wrapping it in tortillas with lettuce. I love this shrimp salad and you can do a lot of different things with it, like eat it with crackers or inside a pita. We're trying to diet a bit around here, hence the light dishes this week.

I found this AMAZING craft this morning and now I'm a little upset that the kids and I are visiting my parents next week during fall break and won't have time to make this for Halloween. So will one or two of you make it please? I am seriously going to make this an annual tradition, starting next year. What a FABULOUS idea to get your kids involved in the annual raking-of-the-leaves day! And it's so easy!

And this isn't a link, but remember how I wrote that post about Punky reading? It continues to be one of the highlights of my life, because we are reading seven or eight books a day when she gets home (at her request) and now that she's figured out the "code," the kid is learning between 5 and 10 new words a day- and retaining them! If you have a child at this age, a few things are really working well for me. I read her a picture book or two each day (and I try to check out books at the library in advance that coincide with her weekly kindergarten theme), we read at least one easy reader book a day that she can read mostly to me, and at night, I read a more advanced book to her. We just finished Ramona the Pest and started on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, at her request. The more advanced books are really advancing her vocabulary, since we stop and talk about what the bigger words mean when we encounter them.

We're going to start a weekly reading night at Starbucks, in which her older sister and I take her for "coffee" and read for an hour, while Hubs watches Bruiser at home. We used to do this with the older girls and they loved it, so my 16-year-old now is very excited about continuing the tradition with her little sister.

Another thing that's been a big hit with her are her "snack stories." I put her snack in a lunch bag each morning so that she doesn't confuse it with her lunch, and I've started writing a sentence-long story on the outside and drawing a picture, using words that she knows. It's a highlight of her day. Each morning, she requests a friend to be in the story with her, and then at snacktime, she and her friends have their snack and read the snack story together. I try to put in an easy new word for her to sound out whenever I can, and after school we talk about the story and whether she was able to figure out all the words. I've been dying to share this idea with you all since it's working so well for us.

For those of you in Nashville, TPAC's AMAZING Family Field Trip series continues on Halloween afternoon with a staging of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar." Here's a blurb about it.

Innovative black light staging is the backdrop for the live puppet adaptation of Eric Carle's delightful children's books - Little Cloud, The Mixed-up Chameleon and the beloved title story, celebrating its 40th anniversary this year. "[This] performance is stunningly beautiful! I was mesmerized by the tempo, colors, voice, movements, music." -Eric Carle (author)

I can't say enough good things about this series. We went to see "Jason and the Argonauts" last weekend, put on by two Scottish actors and it was out of this world innovative and spectacular. Punky absolutely loved it. The tickets for this series are way more affordable than regular TPAC performances, so that families can go and enjoy them. Also, they're asking that kids come to "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" in costume, because there will be trick-or-treating afterward.

And that's it. If you made it to the end of this post, just WOW. Feel free to add in the comments your own tips and ideas that you've been wanting to share with someone. That'll make this conversation a little less one-sided! Ha.

And have a great weekend. Hope the weather's a little better where you are than it is here!

X-TREME Coupon Clipping!

2009-10-15T12:42:00.002-05:00

It's a dirty little secret of thousands and thousands of moms...

Coupon clipping.

I'm not ashamed to say my Sundays aren't complete without clipping the weekly coupons in the newspaper. I even bought a wallet-sized coupon organizer for easy referencing at the grocery. When I first got it and brought it with me to the supermarket, I'd glance through it while keeping it safely hidden in my purse, lest anyone see my stash and think we were, you know, poor.

After a few years, though, I lost my shame. I was saving mad dollars, yo. And now, with the recession, coupon clipping is practically an Olympic sport.

At a moms group meeting I went to last week, a friend asked me about coupons and before I knew it, most of the women in the room were chiming in about their coupon clipping techniques, many of which were far more elaborate than mine. And occasionally, I look at websites like Faithful Provisions and the glut of CVS tutorial videos on YouTube and marvel at all the effort women are making in order to make the most out of coupons. It's exhausting to read, let alone consider doing myself on a regular basis.

I'll write about some of the most hardcore coupon clippers I've ever seen in this week's newspaper edition of Suburban Turmoil. Be sure and check it out- You won't believe the extremes some women are going to!

While you're there, I'd love to know whether your clip coupons (and if not, WHY?! IT'S FREE MONEY!) and your best coupon tip, because I'm all about the bargains... as long as they don't take me hours to accomplish. I share one of my tips over in this week's column, but I'll give you another one here. Did you know that Kroger takes competitor's coupons? Yep. They do. They've never turned a competitor's coupons down in the eight years I've shopped there.

Feel free to comment here or at the Scene, but if you'd like to comment at the Scene and leave your URL, I'll visit your blog.

To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate

2009-10-14T10:17:00.004-05:00

We have yet to be infected by the Swine Flu- and I want to keep it that way.

That's why I signed a consent form allowing Punky to get the H1N1 vaccination at school as soon as it becomes available. I've heard horror stories from friends who've gotten H1N1 and since respiratory illnesses tend to hit Bruiser hard in particular, I'm going to do all I can to get everyone in the family vaccinated. I feel good about the decision... or at least I did.

Then I talked to a mom friend of mine over lunch yesterday.

"Are you going to let Punky get vaccinated?" she asked.

"Yes," I told her. "Absolutely. Aren't you?"

She shook her head. "No," she said. "I think we just don't know enough about it." I gaped at her in shock. This particular friend is one of the most germaphobic moms I know- and she wasn't getting her kids vaccinated for Swine Flu?

As many of you know, I staggered my children's vaccinations when they were babies, just to be on the safe side. I've read quite a bit about the potential dangers of vaccinations, as well as the dangers of not getting them at all.

I've always made sure my family was vaccinated for the flu each year, simply because I caught it several years ago and ended up in the hospital, dehydrated and with a temperature of 105. It took me weeks to fully recover. I never want anyone I love to go through what I went through; it was horrible.

And from the sound of it, H1N1 can be just as bad, if not worse.

I've been reading about the H1N1 vaccine and opinions are mixed. This expert says get it, that expert says don't. I'm still planning to have my family vaccinated, and I'm getting the vaccination too, so if something goes wrong and my kids grow an extra three fingers on one hand ten years down the road because of the vaccine, at least their mama will grow an extra three fingers, too.

But I'd love to know what decision you've made about the vaccine. Are you letting your kids get it? Are you staying away? What led to your decision?

P.S. On the topic of controversial decisions, I also wrote a financial post today for Mint.com on the issue of joint checking accounts vs. separate accounts for married couples. I would love to know how you feel about the issue. I recently opened my own account, just to have some "mad money" that I could use however I want- AND I LOVE IT. Leave a comment over there if you like and tell me how you feel about this issue!

The Very Important Phone Call

2009-10-12T17:12:00.005-05:00

"Hi Lindsay, is this a good time?"

It was a Very Important Phone Call I'd been waiting days to receive. I put down the mop I was getting ready to use in the kitchen and quickly assessed the situation. Bruiser was playing with his cars in the den. Punky was working on her homework in the dining room. All was relatively quiet.

"Of course," I said in the most professional tone I could muster. "Now is a great time!"

The voice on the other end of the phone started talking. And for a couple of minutes, all was well.

But then, of course, Bruiser appeared in the kitchen, eyes wide, drawn by my phone voice like a zombie to human flesh.

"Who talking to, Mommy?"

I fluttered my hand at him and made a face, without feeling the least bit guilty. Important phone calls were rare around here, and I'd been playing with him all day long. Unfortunately, Bruiser couldn't seem to grasp that concept. His expression became obstinate. "Who talking to?" he growled. "Who talking to? Who talking to? Who talking to?!"

"Yes," I said into the phone, "I think that's a great idea." I paused. "Uh. What was that idea again?"

As I listened, I hunted down a packet of Toy Story fruit snacks and tossed them to him, much like a zookeeper would toss a slab of meat to a lion. He took them and backed away, but it was already too late. The exchange had drawn Punky in from the dining room.

"What was Bruiser yelling about?" she demanded stoutly. I shook my head at her and pointed at the phone, a pantomime that never seems to work on my kids. Punky came closer and stood right beneath me.

"Mommy?" she asked, looking up at me with her saucer eyes.

"I think we can definitely move forward on that," I said into the phone.

"Mommy?" her voice grew louder.

"You've got a point there,"I told my caller, eying Punky furiously and pointing at the door to the den.

"MOMMY?" she said loudly.

"OUT" I whispered sternly. Punky glowered at me and stalked out of the room.

"What?" I said into the phone. "Oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean you. I was talking to my daughter." I rolled my eyes heavenward.

"All DONE!" Bruiser shouted, bringing his empty wrapper to me. "All DONE! All DONE!" I took the wrapper and gently prodded him toward the doorway his sister had just disappeared through. "PUNKY!" he shouted, running for it. I sighed with relief.

Meanwhile, the voice on the other end of the phone was still talking.

"Yes, of course," I said, trying to sound knowledgeable. "I know exactly what you mean. Uh oh." Punky marched into the kitchen, singing, "Old McDonald" at the top of her lungs while banging on a toy drum. Bruiser was right behind her, blowing odd notes on a broken recorder as he stomped.

"Oh, nothing," I said into the phone, running into the den. "It was nothing."

"EE-I-EE-I-OOOOH!" they shouted, following me. As they marched in messy circles around me, I put my finger in my free ear. My murderous stares were having no impact on them whatsoever. What is with them?! I thought to myself. They never act this way...

...unless I'm on the phone.

I was losing this battle, big time. As they continued chanting, I broke out from their circle and headed for the playroom, where I shut the door and sat against it on the other side.

"We could definitely proceed with that," I said into the phone. "And I like that there's a contingency plan, too, just in case."

BANG! BANG! BANG!

It was the kids on the other side of the door. "MOMMY!" "MOMMY!" Bruiser yelled. "What are you DOING in there?!" Punky added frantically.

"Could you hold on one second?" I said calmly into the phone. I hit the mute button and opened the door.

"What is WRONG with you?!" I asked the kids. They gazed up at me, quiet at last. "Can't you see this is an important phone call?! Go play in the den! Now!" They scurried away, giggling and whooping in mock fear.

"I'm so sorry," I said into the phone, after taking it off of mute. "Kids. Now, where were we?"

As the talk continued, I was gratified to hear that the kids had finally settled down and were playing a game with their stuffed animals in the den. Absentmindedly, I picked up my mop while I listened, swished it around in the bucket of soapy water I'd poured right before the phone rang, and took a few swipes at the kitchen floor.

At that moment, Bruiser came running into the room from around the corner, where he slipped on the floor in classic banana peel fashion. His feet went up in the air and he landed on his back. Now he's two, so the fall was not far and the fall was not hard. But I knew what was coming next.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

It was over. It was alllllll over.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Um," I said into the phone, gingerly stepping across the wet floor and bending down to pick up my son from off the floor. "You know, I'd better let you go." As I stood up, Bruiser's mouth was directly in line with the phone.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" he wailed into it.

"It was nice talking to you, too."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"Yes, well, I hope to hear back from you soon. Bye."

I hung up and shook my head, laughing a little as I soothed my son's wounded pride.

They say that our kids grow up all too fast.

But let's be honest. There are also moments when they can't grow up fast enough.

Week(end) Links

2009-10-11T15:00:00.002-05:00

If you read anything this weekend, read this. It is simple and awesome.

If you make anything this week, make this. I made it this past week and I think it's the best apple dessert I've ever eaten.

Hubs was on Dateline Friday night, talking about a case he'd reported on over the last decade and a half. I thought he'd have a soundbite or two in there, but no. It was like Dateline: Dennis Ferrier. Seriously, he was on over and over again throughout the entire hour. So that was entertaining. We went to the grocery this afternoon and five different people stopped him to mention it. You can see the show here if you're interested.

I'll be back tomorrow with a real post- In the meantime, here are a few giveaways I'm hosting this week. This one and this one could make great Christmas presents for your little ones, and this one is for any of you who would like some new workout gear.

What's So Bad About Barbie?

2009-10-09T09:56:00.007-05:00

One topic that seems to come up over and over again among moms is whether the more physically, ahem, developed dolls out there are appropriate playthings for our daughters.

Dora recently stirred debate as her developers created a more mature version of the character for those of her fans who can no longer be satisfied with short, squat Dora and her irritatingly chipper pet monkey, Boots. Here's a picture of the new doll that created all the fuss. She hooks up to a computer for online adventures. I have absolutely no problem with her, other than the fact that she is not Mac compatible, so my daughter will probably have a hissy fit when she doesn't get this doll for Christmas.

Woe.

Then, this morning, the Today show posted this story, about the controversy surrounding Mattel's new line of black Barbie dolls. Some ask: Why do they all have long hair? the headline reads.

Do we really even need to ask that question? I can tell you exactly why- because little girls like to play with long hair. Yes, it really is that simple. I think Lauryn Hill's signature afro is fantastic, but I wouldn't have wanted a doll with an afro (or a short, fashionable bob, for that matter) when I was a kid, simply because I wouldn't be able to do anything with it, and that was half the fun.

Still, it's easy to get caught up in the debate. I've been there myself. Barbie dolls are genetically unrealistic. Not only do they still have the proportions of an anorexic with a boob job, but their heads and torsos both swivel 360 degrees. Come on, Mattel. You're going to make little girls think they can do that, too. Shame on you.

But then I imagine a world where all dolls have been deemed "appropriately realistic." And it scares me. Our daughter's dolls would have unruly hair with tangles and split ends. Their teeth would be a little crooked. They'd have crusts in their eyes and plastic boogers in their nostrils. Instead of Barbie Beach Party and Barbie Fashion Fever, we'd have Bedhead Barbie and McDonalds Manager Midge. Because we want our daughters to play with representations of real life, not believe in some crazy made-up world where every little girl grows up to be a ballerina or a neurosurgeon or President of the United States! Let's keep it real, toymakers! Or the moms will be after you!

Considering that blissful alternative, I've decided to let my daughter keep her Barbies and her fantasy life, which is filled with impossibly blonde fairy princesses and sword-wielding Musketeerettes with perfectly curled and styled hair. We've even got a basket of Bratz dolls somewhere around here that belonged to my stepdaughters, but Punky hasn't taken much of an interest in them- something about the way their feet come off creeps her out. If she does want to play with them, though, I'll let her. And I might just use them to teach her the meaning of the word, hoochie.

I asked Punky not long ago if she wanted to look like her Barbie dolls when she grew up. She wrinkled her nose.

"No, Mommy!" She laughed.

"Why not?" I asked her.

"Because no one looks like that when they grow up!" she said dismissively.

Yep. Our kids are smarter than we think.

*Pssst! Hubs is going to be on NBC Dateline tonight at 8pm CST! Be sure and watch!

**Also, you still have a few more hours to enter the Snow White DVD/Dolls giveaway. And there are more giveaways at my review blog, too- two great kids DVDs and two very popular Hasbro games. Think Christmas, people!!

What's the Occasion?

2009-10-08T11:50:00.003-05:00

When it comes to people watching (and public eavesdropping, for that matter), Nashville has got to be one of the best cities in America.

I can't count the number of times I've been sitting in Starbucks and learned that the person sitting one table down from mine is a producer for Faith Hill or a member of the Grand Ole Opry. This city is crawling with celebrities, music executives and wannabes, and you never know whom you'll run into next.

Inspired by all this, my husband created a people watching game we've played together now for nearly a decade. You can read about it in this week's newspaper edition of Suburban Turmoil. This column also includes a hilarious brush with celebrity that happened to Hubs and me just last week. My stepdaughters would have died of shame if they could have seen what happened when Hubs and I were faced what has to be the hippest group in town right now.

Check it out and as always, if you leave a comment with your URL over at the Scene's website, I'll come visit your blog!

*Also, be sure and enter the giveaways going on this week at my review blog- One is for a 2-DVD set of a popular educational kids show. The other could make a marvelous holiday gift for your little princess!

The Reader

2009-10-07T08:02:00.002-05:00

My entire childhood can be broken down in books.

My earliest memories are of reading The Monster at the End of This Book over and over again, laughing uproariously each time Grover begged me not to turn the page. I also adored the Frances series, the Babar books, Curious George and Gus the Friendly Ghost. I loved my small collection of picture books so much that I had my mother read me each one until I had it memorized; that's how I learned to read.

I grew older and decided to read every book in my public library's children's section. I'd spend entire Saturdays there, making sure I'd gotten through every single one. The Beverly Cleary books, the Encyclopedia Browns, The Mrs. Piggle Wiggles, the Pippi Longstockings- My appetite was insatiable. Nearly all of my spare time was devoted to reading or thinking about reading or re-enacting a scene from something I had read, and because of that, my world stretched far beyond the confines of my small southern town. I was Sara Crewe, trying to survive the cruelties of Miss Minchin. I was Harriet the Spy, hiding in a dumbwaiter. I was Becky Thatcher, reveling in Tom Sawyer's childish advances.

From the day I sounded out the words on a page for the first time, my life has been shaped by the books I've read.

And I'll be honest- one of the very first things that crossed my mind upon learning I was pregnant six years ago was that I was going to be able to give my own child the gift of reading. Immediately, I began collecting books for my daughter- ordering them by the boxload off Ebay, snatching them up at consignment sales, haunting library castoff events, and ordering a precious few in hardback off Amazon. For years, I've read to her and it's paid off in the sense that she loves sitting in my lap and listening to stories.

But waiting for her to actually read on her own has been agonizing.

Last year, I began teaching her the basics of reading, using a kindergarten curriculum. She could complete the exercises without a problem. She could identify letter sounds and blends. She could even put those sounds together and read actual words, as long as she didn't trip herself up by thinking too much about what she was doing.

But she wasn't ready to read. She just wasn't. I knew better than to push her. Still, it was frustrating. She was right on the verge- right on the verge. And she couldn't quite cross over.

Then she started kindergarten. And her teacher began using her own curriculum, with sight words and pictures that corroborated with letter sounds. And somehow, within a couple of weeks of school starting, Punky managed to put what we'd learned together with what she was learning at school. She came home one day with a list of words for me to cut out and quiz her on. She made it through them so easily that I got out a little bag of letters and "blends" I'd made for her over the summer, like -at and -it and -ad, and I began forming them into simple words.

"Cat," Punky read without hesitation. I shuffled the letters around. "Bat." "Had." "Bit." "Hit." "Sad." Outwardly, I remained calm, but inside, fireworks were going off.

"You know what, Punky?" I said. "I think you're ready for the BOB books."

I got out a set of readers that I'd been saving for this very occasion. Holding my breath, I handed her the first one. She read it easily. "Mat sat. Sam sat. Sam sat on Mat."

I handed her the second book. She read it just as easily. The third was a little harder, but she made it through. The fourth had several words she'd never seen before. It took her a few minutes, but she sounded out the words and...

She read the book. By herself.

SHE READ THE BOOK BY HERSELF.

PUNKY CAN READ!!

And of course I realize that for you, this fact is not that big of a deal. But let me just say that watching my daughter read for the first time was one of the greatest moments of my life, right up there with singing in Westminster Abbey in high school, and listening to Yo-Yo Ma play the cello at Wolf Trap, and standing hand in hand with hundreds of thousands of people, singing, "We Shall Overcome" while the confederate flag was removed from the South Carolina Statehouse, and marrying my husband beside a river in Scotland, and giving birth to a girl and then a boy.

Watching my five-year-old read for the first time was one of the most glorious, most anticipated moments of my entire life. And it was worth all of the endless waiting, the carefully hidden frustration, and every last picture book.

It was so totally worth it.

Oh, and after reading for me, Punky wanted to make a commercial on why kids should learn to read. For you diehards, here it is.

This Dance Brought to You by: Fall.

2009-10-04T09:34:00.015-05:00

P.S. Great giveaway for your little princess on my review blog right now!

P.P.S. If you live in the Nashville area, blog reader Amanda is one of the minds behind TPAC's Family Field Trip Series, four different Saturday shows at TPAC that are designed for families with kids 2 and up and are a whole lot more affordable than TPAC's regularly-priced shows. I'm all about the bargains and I love that TPAC is making this series happen. Take a look at the four upcoming shows here ("Jason and the Argonauts" is this Saturday and Hubs is beside himself- it was his favorite movie as a kid). Not only can you attend the actual show, but there are special events in the lobby for kids an hour before the show begins! And for those of you who are really feeling this recession, a limited number of 'pay what you can' tickets will be available in the lobby on the day of each show.

Make Your Daughter the Talk of Halloween!

2009-09-30T09:57:00.010-05:00

Halloween is approaching and that means now is the time to help your daughter decide on a costume for the big night. Luckily, just like last year, Party City has lots of different costumes for your princess to choose from!
Surely your daughter's heard enough about "girl power" by now- Introduce her to the fine art of serving men by ordering her this sexy Teen Geisha costume, a Party City bestseller! And don't forget the platform stripper heels! You'll have to buy those separately here.

Or perhaps you'd prefer the Lovely Lolita Costume, available in Junior sizes 7-9. I just adore the fact that Party City knows its Nabokov!

Of course, your little darlin' may opt for this Spider Girl Costume instead, offered at Party City for teens and tweens! Imagine your eleven- year-old strutting her stuff in a skin-tight plastic mini with a slit up to her hip! Add a pair of stiletto boots and she's guaranteed to be the most noticed at 5th grade dress up day!

For mature 13-year-olds, there's the teen Silk Spectre costume, new at Party City this year. Give her a chance to show off that brand new cleavage for a change, and dig those thigh-high pleather boots!

If she's the modest type, she can always opt for Party City's Raggedy Anne teen costume, a best seller on the site! A barely-there skirt keeps things flirty and thigh high socks will still allow her to show off plenty of skin.

We all know every girl dreams of becoming a bride. Help your 14-year-old live out the fantasy in Party City's Teen Bride costume! The corset and miniskirt ensure will leave lots of young minds dreaming of her wedding night... and I've always said it's never too early to learn to wear garters!

I hope this helps all the moms out there find something special for her daughter's Halloween night! Happy shopping, everyone!

Intermission

2009-09-29T10:00:00.010-05:00

My parents are on their way here for a visit, so instead of writing, I'll be spending the morning trying to straighten up the zoo I call my house.

However, I hate to leave you hanging. In lieu of a post, I present you with a minute in the life of Bruiser, who at two is already turning out to be the family hambone. These pictures were taken while we waited for the carousel ride to start at the zoo over the weekend.

How could anyone not love this kid?

Baby's First Field Trip

2009-09-26T09:00:00.003-05:00

Thursday qualified as a Big Deal around here. It was Punky's First Field Trip.

Not to mention her first bus ride.

In time-honored tradition, our destination was a local apple orchard.

The parents rode separately and when we arrived before our class, we were greeted with a scene from a horror movie.

As we approached the orchard from the parking lot, we saw a group of about 20 kindergartners from another school standing in a huddle, screaming and hysterically crying. Some of them were shirtless. Bees were still swarming around them.

"They were all picking apples over there," one mom told us, pointing at a section of the orchard. "And then all of a sudden, everyone started screaming and teachers and kids and parents just all started running."

Apparently, someone had stepped on a bee's nest.

I can't tell you how traumatic the scene was to watch. Some of the kids had been stung many times, and no one really seemed to be doing anything about it. The bees were still stinging them as we watched and it took the adults several minutes to realize that it might be better for them to move farther away from where the bees had attacked them. Even children who hadn't been stung were crying, from sheer shock of seeing their classmates in pain and fear. As a mother, my heart broke thinking that the class could have easily been my daughter's, and imagining how horrible I'd feel if I couldn't even have been there to comfort her. I have no doubt that those children will always remember their first field trip, and not in a good way.

What bothered me was that we couldn't do a single thing about it. We didn't know the kids or the parents and there was literally nothing we could do except stand there and feel awful for them and worry about our own children, who'd be arriving any minute.

Eventually, the scene of carnage moved off to another location, though, and Punky's class arrived with no idea of what had happened before they'd gotten there. The orchard workers kept us well away from where the bees had attacked and the field trip proceeded without incident.

And guess who the class photographer is for the year? I think I scared people with the amount of photos I took, but that's just how I roll.

After learning all about apple peeling and apple coring and bee pollination and how apple cider is made, it was time to look for some apples to pick.

The apples, though? Didn't look so hot. I wasn't exactly surprised, seeing as how it's been raining here for what seems like 100 days straight.

The kids were a little disappointed with the apples. They were "squushy" and wormy and blackened and gross. Some of the children didn't even want to touch them.

But Punky had spent the week learning about apples. I had read her a book that demonstrated the proper apple picking technique, she had been practicing it, and goldarn, she was going to pick an apple before she left, no matter what.

And that's exactly what she did.

Afterward, the children put all of their apples in a bushel and went back to class, where we all had lunch in the classroom and my daughter and her friends demonstrated to me exactly what they've been learning in kindergarten.

I know you're impressed.

Of course, it being Saturday, this post wouldn't be complete without a couple of links. Here's my latest Beauty Uncensored column for Her Nashville Magazine, about a diet that made me lose 5 pounds in 24 hours! I'm not even kidding!

Foodwise, I made these New Orleans-style pancakes for breakfast this morning- They're always delicious and a nice change from traditional pancakes.

Last night, my 18-year-old came home for the weekend and I made Chicken Oporto, which is probably our favorite family chicken recipe. It's amazing! Give it a try.

Tonight, I'm excited to try this Southern Living recipe for Shrimp Enchiladas, which has gotten rave reviews on the website. I'll let you know tomorrow how it was.
UPDATE: I thought it was slightly saucy but very good and flavorful- my family, though, LOVED it. LOVED IT. It's definitely the best enchilada dish I've found yet. Also, my grocery doesn't carry cream of shrimp OR cream of onion, so I substituted two cans of cream of celery (as some reviewers suggested) and it worked great.

This is a totally disappointing day because we were planning to go to Harvest Days at the zoo, but it's pouring rain outside. This whole rain thing is really starting to annoy me.

Hope it's drier where you are!

Bad Doctor: Stories That Will Make You Laugh- and Cry

2009-09-24T21:05:00.000-05:00

As promised, here's the link to my Bad Doctor column in this week's Nashville Scene. It's definitely worth a read- You will be in awe of what some Suburban Turmoil readers have endured at the hands of their physicians.

The thing is, it's an 800-something word column, so I wasn't able to include all the great stories you guys sent me. So here are a few more that I would have loved to have used in the column, but had to leave out for space.

Alicia went to the emergency room where she promptly passed out and woke up vomiting. Here's what happened next...

With nothing showing up on any tests, the primary doctor that was treating me told me he thought I just needed to poop. He told me he was sending me home, and I flipped right out. I told him I was not going home and that he needed to figure out what the hell was wrong with me because it most definitely was NOT that I needed to poop...
...About 10 minutes later, I literally was in the middle of a scene from "E.R." I had about 12 people working on me all at the same time, yelling things to each other, yelling things to me, and prepping me for surgery. The room started to go dark again... I remember laying outside the operating room on a stretcher waiting for the surgeon they paged to show up. He called back and wanted to know if my surgery could wait until the morning, since he was eating dinner... By the time he got into my abdomen (about nine hours after I'd fainted/had a seizure in the ER waiting area), I had lost over A LITER of blood and had to have three blood transfusions. I had a corpus luteum cyst (only the size of a lima bean!) that had ruptured. I basically was having massive internal bleeding with no traumatic injury. With the amount of blood I had lost, I was told I could have gone into cardiac arrest at any moment. If surgery had been delayed even 30 minutes to an hour later, I would have been dead. So, yeah, I didn't need to poop."

This from Amberjean...

"When I had a bad car accident and showed no outward signs of injury he didn't even want to listen to me. My only problem was severe abdominal pain and I couldn't stand without passing out. He kept me in the Er for 8 hours continually telling me I should go home that there was nothing wrong with me. I was almost 19, very scared and in severe pain. After I begged and pleaded (and my mom pleaded) he finally put me in an observation room at 3am. At 6am they brought in another Dr who ran some tests and had me in emergency surgery very quickly. I had laid in the hospital from 7pm until 6am bleeding internally because my bowels had been torn badly. They were so bad the Dr told my mom he may have to do a Colostomy. I had lost a lot of blood and lost 16 inches of intestines. 13 of the Large and 3 of the Small. Thankfully no Colostomy and Thankfully I didn't listen to that Dr."

From "Irrelevant," who was referred to a specialist after repeated bouts of dizziness:

"When the specialist finally got around to see me, he asked me what the problem was...I began explaining it in as much detail as I thought would prove useful to his diagnostic investigation. Before I was three sentences in, he sternly interrupted me with "your story is useless. I'm the doctor here, not you", and he then brusquely informed me that he had two tests to perform and they would go smoother if "I would keep my chatter to a minimum". I wasn't sure if I was more stunned or annoyed. Anyway, I took his two tests. Then he finished with me by telling me the tests were negative, and "what we have here is a problem that's in your head, and a waste of my valuable time". Now I was just angry; I told him to f*** off, and I'd go find a real doctor... ...A friend of mine recommended I go see his chiropractor; a neck adjustment to relieve a pinched nerve in my neck, and the dizziness problem was gone. And has never returned the past 25 years."

Kristen had a gynecologist from hell...

"My first OBGYN was a woman who very pushy and blunt. This being my first OB appointment and major step toward being a woman I was terrified. I also was ummmm how do I put this delicately a VIRGIN. When I explained this to the doctor she first told me I was lying to her and then went on to run STD tests on me. She called me back two weeks later to tell me I had a certain STD and because of that I would never probably have children - I was very upset and went in to see her the next day in tears. After another round of tests and more badgering from Dr. Psycho (who again made it clear that she did not believe that I had never had sex) she figured out that I did not indeed have any STD's. I did not go back to her again."

Lindsey referred to her OB as "Mr. Wonderful..." simply because he was so NOT!

"...When delivery time came he was late. I had to wait 30 min with Baby in the birth canal screaming to get out before he finally showed up and did his job. She had a terrible cut and major bruising on her head from all of the pressure which caused a moderate case of jaundice, but she was ok so I stuck with him.

During one yearly exam, I was riding high in the stirrups with him at Ground Zero when his cell phone rang. This wouldn't have been a big deal if it hadn't been his wife calling and his ring tone for her wouldn't have been "Sexual Healing" !!!!!!!!!

Things continued to go down hill with baby number 2. After suffering with some of the same pregnancy difficulties that I'd had with Baby 1, including blood pressure issues, Baby 2 was ready. Apparently, Mr Wonderful was not. He missed the delivery! I had been in the hospital, in labor for over 24 hours and he didn't show. The nurse, bless her heart, caught Baby 2 just as her butt hit the bed, unwrapped the cord from her neck, calle'd the ICU to have her checked, cleaned her up, weighed and measured her before he decided to make a grand appearance about 20 minutes after the delivery. Upon which, he berrated the nurse for not waiting for him saying that she should have just been patient.

The final straw came after I began having some medical issues, post-partum, and he told me that I was just screwed up and nothing he or anyone else did would make it better so I just needed to get used to not being normal. Yep, Mr Wonderful!"

Katie's bad doctor was a dentist...

While I was under this dentist's care, she and her hygienist told me that I had early gingivitis and that I needed a full mouth debridement (an $800 out of pocket gum cleaning procedure) despite a lifetime of good oral hygiene and positive 6 month check-ups with other dentists. They said that most likely I had this problem as a result of pregnancy (I had just had a baby when I went in for my checkup) . When I went back a month later for my follow up visit, they told me that my gums were in excellent health; however, at my checkup in March, they said that my gums had deteriorated to the state of full blown periodontal disease and that I needed scaling, root planing, and $1000+ worth of Arestin (an antibiotic that goes into your gums to kill bacteria; this is not covered by my insurance). They told me that I would need to stop breastfeeding in order to have the Arestin treatments. They also told me that if I were to get pregnant again, my baby would be in danger of being low birth weight due to the condition of my gums and that it would not be safe for me to get pregnant without (paying them at least $1000 and) having the scaling, root planing, and Arestin treatments done. Based on my experiences with this practice last summer (where they missed my 2 needed root canals, resulting in excruciating and unnecessary pain), I did not exactly trust their judgment, so I went to another dentist for a second opinion. The other dentist and his hygienist were appalled that I had been told that I have periodontal disease and that I needed scaling, root planing, and Arestin. They said that my gums were very healthy and they did not understand how another dentist could come to that conclusion. Also since then, the local paper has done a "troubleshooter" column about this dentist and I have found out that dozens of other people have had the same experiences as me, where the dentist tried to get thousands of dollars from her patients with fake periodontal disease diagnoses. Follow your instincts - if you think your health provider is wrong, get a second opinion!

This reader recently had a miscarriage. After a series of mishaps at her doctor's office, this was the final straw...

"...they put me back in another exam room where I waited for almost half an hour and was about to get up and leave again, when the doctor comes in (this is doctor #4) and says, "So, you're having a miscarriage!" He must have known from the look on my face that he was being insensitive, so he said, "Sorry to be so blunt, it's just getting late and we all want to go home." EXCUSE ME??? They were the ones that called ME in for the emergency appointment! I didn't even want to BE THERE!!! At one point during the examination he said, "If you girls didn't bleed, I wouldn't have a job!" Very sensitive."

These are just a few more- I'm sorry if I wasn't able to post your story. If I posted everyone's, you'd never get through this post! Thank you so much for sharing, everyone.

Now go and get yourself a good doctor! Oh and as always, if you care to comment at the Scene, I'd love to stop by your blog this week for a visit. Be sure and leave your URL in the comment so that I can find you.

Goodbye, Homeschool. Goodbye.

2009-09-23T10:30:00.004-05:00

When I decided to send Punky to kindergarten this year rather than home school her, I promised myself that we'd still make time for all the special things we did together last year- the park classes, the free city ballet lessons, and the many kids' events that happen around town.

Last weekend, I made good on that promise by taking her to a homeschool activity at a local farm. I didn't think twice about signing her up for it a few weeks ago, but once the day arrived, a few small details occurred to me.

"Uh, Punky, don't talk about your kindergarten class while you're at the farm, okay?" I said as we drove there.

"But why, Mommy?" Punky asked from the backseat.

"Because this is a homeschool event," I said. "That means these kids go to school at home and their mommies teach them, like I taught you last year. They might feel bad if they find out that you get to go to school every day."

"Okay," Punky promised solemnly. "I won't say anything about kindergarten."

I sighed in relief. I knew the organizers and didn't think they'd mind if they found out that Punky wasn't technically homeschooled anymore. But I could see some of the parents getting snippy about it. One thing I learned about home schoolers last year is that they are a tight-knit crowd, and if they knew there was a um, schooler in the bunch, and a public schooler to boot, they might actually beat me to death with their bags of granola.

Heh.

Anyway, I had nothing to fear. The event went off without a hitch. Punky didn't mention kindergarten and all was well.

Relieved, I let her play in a big barn afterward with Bruiser and a bunch of other children.

And that's when it happened.

"How old are your kids?" asked a mother standing beside me.

"Five and two," I answered reluctantly.

"And you're homeschooling your five-year-old?" she said. I looked her up and down quickly and noticed she was carrying a particularly large and heavy bag of granola. I decided to do whatever I could to save myself.

"Why, yes," I said nervously. "Yes I am." And the die was cast.

"Mine are four and two," she said. "I'm just now getting into this homeschool thing, so I've been asking other moms as many questions as possible. What curriculum are you using?"

"McRuffy," I gulped. Luckily, I had homeschooled Punky with an actual kindergarten curriculum last year, so I knew what I was talking about.

"McRuffy? I don't know that one. What do you think of See and Say? Or Little Learners?"

"I've never heard of them," I said. She looked surprised.

"Are you in a homeschool co-op?" she asked.

"No."

"Do you know other moms who homeschool?"

"Uh yeah," I managed a laugh and hoped it was convincing. "Of course I do."

"And which curricula are they using?"

"Oh..." I coughed into my hand. "Shmeel. Ahem."

"What?"

"Mc... Shmeel." I repeated in a whisper. She stared at me for a moment. I broke eye contact and looked around desperately for my son.

"Bruiser! I think I see a tick in that haybale!" I fled from the woman and went for my son as if I were a drowning man and he, an inflatable raft. Scooping him up, I turned... and found her standing right behind me.

"How much time do you spend homeschooling each day?" she wanted to know.

"45 minutes," I answered. That was about how much time it took me to go through Punky's lessons with her last year.

"45 minutes?!" she responded. "My friends are all spending three to four hours every day! How are you managing 45 minutes?!"

"Oh..." I thought quickly. "My daughter's a speed reader."

"Where do you live?"

"Bellevue."

"I live in Pegram!" she said. "We're practically neighbors!"

The situation had become dire. I knew without a doubt what the very next question would be. "Gotta go!" I yelped, rushing off toward my daughter. "We're late for a big project!"

"But I thought we could exchange..."

"A big homeschooling project!" I shouted over my shoulder. "With granola!"

I grabbed my daughter's hand and pulled her away from a miniature cash register. "But mommy, I'm not done playing!" she whined. "I haven't checked out my customers!"

"Come on, Punky," I said breathlessly. "It's time to am-scray!" Reluctantly, she trotted along beside me as we made a break for the car.

I got out of there by the skin of my teeth. I looked back in my rearview mirror and could see that the woman had alerted the others. They were all stumbling toward my car like zombies as I screeched off in a zig zag down the farm's dirt road.

I didn't realize it until now, but breaking away from the homeschooling ranks is a little bit like the time I de-sistered from my college sorority. When you're in, you feel like you're part of one big happy family.

But once you decide to leave, don't even think about trying to come around again for a visit.

What Happens When You Ask Someone Who's Leaving for the Airport in an Hour to Redesign Your Blog. A Cautionary Tale.

2009-09-22T11:26:00.004-05:00

An e-mail exchange...

ME: OK, so I want to change my blog header photo! Can you do it? Like this morning?

MY BLOG DESIGNER: OK, but I have to leave for the airport in an hour!

ME: OK, great!

(30 minutes later)

MY BLOG DESIGNER: OK, it's done!

ME: OK, I don't see anything!

ME: OK...

ME: Hello?

ME: ....