Subway Scrabbler

Days 9-13: Prizes!

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 05:01:00 +0000

Man, I am just terrible at keeping this up regularly. Oh well. I realized the other day that you guys have no idea what I'm even playing for this year, so here are the big prizes, from worst to best:

First up is a $5 Subway Cash Card!

Whoa! I won one of these last year, and it was very exciting. Most people's first reaction to this is something along the lines of "Great, that'll work perfectly to buy one of Subway's famous $5 Footlongs!" Not so, unfortunately. You see, there happens to be some ludicrous "sales tax" involved, because a certain someone can't keep his dirty socialist hands off my sandwiches.

"Thanks for the 47 cents, comrade!"

So that aspect of it is a little disappointing.

Next up, a Scrabble board game! I won two of these last year. They had little to no impact on my life, aside from one game played while rather intoxicated.

Pug groins. Aaaaw.

I'm not sure what I would do with another one.

Third, there's the oddly named "bodybugg system." This is apparently a weight-control system, so again, it didn't seem like a very appropriate prize for me. Then I saw this quote from that page:

There’s an electronic thermometer inside your armband that monitors how hot you are.

Finally, a way to confirm my suspicions with science. Plus, the pickup lines practically write themselves.

"Actually, it says you're about average. Nevermind."

Next up, there's a $500 Champs Sports Gift Card. Now, I'm not really a sports person, so this seemed pretty useless to me at first. But I did some poking around on the Champs Sports website, and found...

Horizontal parachutes! Fuck yeah! It turns out these are incredibly useful to have if you are being kidnapped. That way, your would-be abductor will have to work on building explosive speed and sprinting power if he really wants to snatch you away. Always be prepared.

Now we crack the top four. The fourth best prize is a Live Nation VIP concert experience. This is another one that sounds pretty sweet at first. Then I went to the Live Nation section of Subway's website, and saw that the two big acts they're advertising are Creed and Nickelback.

Holy shit, keep me the hell away from this so-called prize. Even worse is the fact that if I do win this, I'm ineligible for any of the other top four prizes. Please don't do that to me, Subway. I beg you.

Chad Kroeger literally farts flames. Never pull his finger.

Moving on, the third-best prize is a Beaches Resorts Vacation Prize Package. Surely there can't be any downside to that, right? Let's just take a look at the fine print...

Prize includes a Beaches Resorts prize certificate good for a 5-day/4-night stay for two (2) adults and two (2) children under 15 years of age OR a trip for three (3) adults and one (1) child under 15 years of age

Wait, what? Am I required to bring at least one child with me? Shit, where can I get a cheap one?

Hmmm. Maybe I should have searched in "baby & kid stuff."

We're almost there. The second-best prize is apparently a 3rd generation Toyota Prius. As I've mentioned before, I can't drive. In fact, I've avoided getting a driver's license because of a crippling fear that I might someday be made a designated driver. As a further precaution, I have a team of doctors on hand 24/7 to keep my blood alcohol content just above .08% at all times.

Still, it could be fun to have friends of mine drive me around in it. I just hope there's enough room for my doctors.

Dr. Nutty has a PhD in Shenanigans.

Finally, there's the grand prize of $100,000. This is basically the one prize for which I have no complaints. Unfortunately, as I've touched upon before, the odds of winning it are roughly one in thirty billion. To put that in perspective, it's significantly more likely that this asteroid will wipe out an entire continent in 2014.

Oh well.

Daily winnings: Since last time, I've won two small drinks and two cookies.

Total winnings so far: Five small drinks, four cookies, and four 3-month Club Pogo memberships.

Currently listening to: Deerhunter - Cryptograms

Days 5-8: Jumping the gun

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 02:26:00 +0000

Sorry I haven't updated this thing in a few days. The truth is, I have been far too drunk these last few nights. I was so bombed, a stranger approached me and asked if my name was Afghanistan. I was so housed, I began walking with a limp and dickishly offering medical advice. I was so shitfaced, I was offered a role in a German porno.

But I digress. In these last three or four days, I walked into two separate Subways and saw this sign out by the register:

That's right: both of these places were claiming to have run out of Scrabble letters, just a week into the contest. When I first saw this sign, my jaw dropped, spilling out bits of lettuce and tomatoes. My heart sank as I realized this meant the end of my Subway Scrabbling. Thankfully, at both locations, it turned out to be a lie. They had plenty of cups left with game pieces on them.

I'm guessing they put those out there just as a preemptive measure. That way, once they actually do run out of Scrabble cups, they can just shrug, point to the sign, and say, "Hey, we warned you" to the next guy in line. And no one can get mad (except for me; don't scare me like that, Subway).

Thankfully, I'm still winning stuff. Since I last posted, it's been another small drink, two cookies, and, in a development that should surprise absolutely no one, two more 3-month memberships to Club Pogo. At this point I should basically just rename the blog, "How to Get a Club Pogo Membership, Forever." I already have a year's worth of membership there, meaning I could conceivably still be taking advantage of the site when next year's Subway Scrabble rolls around. Ridiculous.

Here's the game board so far:

I'm getting there.

Daily winnings: A small drink, two cookies, and two 3-month Club Pogo memberships.

Total winnings so far: Three small drinks, two cookies, and four 3-month Club Pogo memberships.

Currently listening to: Boy In Static - Immortal

Days 3-4: Why it sucks

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 04:06:00 +0000

Things were different last year.

Back then, I was practically showered with Scrabble letters. Anytime I bought one of my three daily sandwiches, a new letter was right there on the wrapper. Throw in an extra letter or two from the drinks I bought, and it was not uncommon for me to be getting four or five new letters every day.

But not even fast food promotional games are recession-proof. Allow me to explain. This year, there's just this one code printed on every sandwich wrapper. It's the same for every single sandwich you get, and while you can use it to get certain letters, it can only be used four times, for those four pre-determined letters. Two more codes can be obtained from bags of chips and Subway's packages of sliced apples, but each of those can only be used once, again for two specific letters. Now, obviously, none of those six letters are gonna be worth a shit -- otherwise, Subway might as well just include free prizes inside their sandwiches.

"Five Dollar Footlong" should refer to the content of the sandwich.

All that leaves, then, is buying drinks. They actually have letters on them the way sandwiches used to. But since drinks aren't exactly a huge part of my Subway consumption habits, I get, on average, only two new letters every day. That's like half of what I was pulling in last year.

So in other words, this year I'll have half as many opportunities to win as I had last year. And keep in mind the odds of winning the $100,000 jackpot are less than 1 in 30 billion. You're basically more likely to be simultaneously struck by lightning and attacked by a shark while Jessica Alba attempts to pay you for sex.

That said, despite Subway Scrabble's relative shittiness this year, I continue to give it my all. I've been buying drinks -- medium size, mind you, so I get an extra letter -- even when I'm not thirsty. I realize this whole thing is basically a big scheme to sell drinks, and I still can't stop.

But all of that is okay, because I'm still winning stuff.

Daily winnings: Yesterday, another small drink, and today, another 3-month Pogo.com membership. They're really trying to get rid of those things.

Total winnings so far: Two small drinks and two 3-month Pogo.com memberships.

Currently listening to: Nine Inch Nails - At the Heart of It All

Day 2: One in a million

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 09:57:00 +0000

Miraculously, I won something again today. It was a 3-month subscription to Club Pogo, the same website full of online games I won subscriptions to last year. I don't feel too special, though, because according to Subway, they're giving out a million of them (and no, that's not an exaggeration; I mean literally one million of these goddamn things).

So with Subway handing these out to pretty much anyone who manages to leave the restaurant without choking to death, it's not exactly the rarest prize out there. It's definitely a better catch than yesterday's free drink (which I had a 1 in 12 chance of winning), but it's tough for me to figure out exactly what my odds of winning this one were.

According to Subway, "The odds of winning an Online Instant Win Prize depend on the total number of eligible entries received during the online game period and the time they are entered during the online game period. Winners are randomly time-selected at intervals of approximately 1 second." Now, this may come as a shock to you, but I am not a smart man. I once tried to pierce my ears with a hole puncher from my dad's office. Another time, I tried to start a blog about a fast food promotional game. I'll tell you all about that sometime.

So I'm not ashamed to admit that I can't make any sense of that explanation up there. I have no idea whether or not it would help my chances to enter my codes at odd hours of the night, but due to my chronic insomnia (which may be related to the blood currently pouring out of my earlobes), I'll probably end up doing that anyway.

To be perfectly frank, this Club Pogo deal is not a very good prize for me right now. This summer alone, I've already wasted countless hours beating Grand Theft Auto IV, Icewind Dale II, Splinter Cell: Double Agent, two Monkey Island games, and you know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and stop there. What I meant to say was that I don't play video games because I am too busy working out my muscles, for the ladies.

But maybe there's a bright side to this paid membership. After all, everyone knows how difficult it is to find free online games on the Internet. Maybe if I'm lucky they'll give me a free AOL subscription next.

Here's the game board for today. Not too much has changed:

Daily winnings: One 3-month Pogo.com membership.

Total winnings so far: One 21 oz. drink and one 3-month Pogo.com membership.

Currently listening to: Modwheelmood - Mhz

Surprise! (Day 1, Year 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 10:17:00 +0000

Hello again. As some of you may recall, I suffer from a crippling addiction to Subway sandwiches. Last year, the naïve young man that I was decided to try his luck at the restaurant's latest promotional game, Subway Scrabble. As the weeks went by, that excitement slowly turned into boredom, and eventually became full-blown disappointment.

You see, I toiled for Subway Scrabble. I made sure to eat at least three Subway sandwiches on each of the promotion's 50 or so days. If you were to take all of those sandwiches and lay them on the ground end-to-end, the resulting line would be longer than the width of a football field. The sight would also be eerily reminiscent of the time I went streaking across the field during a Giants game (three players tripped). But that's neither here nor there.

My point is, it was difficult for me. Many times, I contemplated just giving up. Every day it became harder to bring myself to continue. Sometimes, in the madness of my despair, I even imagined that the game itself was crying out for a violent end to its meaningless existence.

And while I won a shitload of free Subway food, the game's only lasting contribution to my life was two extra copies of a board game I'm pretty sure I already had. Needless to say, I felt like my months of brand loyalty hadn't exactly paid off.

And yet, here I am again. Maybe I'm just extremely bored. Maybe I have certain masochistic tendencies. Or maybe the optimist inside me hasn't been completely beaten into submission yet. Whatever the reason, I have returned.

This year, the prizes are shittier, the game pieces are harder to come by, and the whole contest seems poised to be an even bigger debacle than the colossal douche-fuck that was last summer's Subway Scrabble. I can't guarantee that I'll win much, or that I'll even be inspired to update the blog as often as I'd like. But I know one thing for sure: with my insightful prose, my rapier wit, and my even rapier methods of seducing women, it's bound to be an adventure.

Here's the game board for today:

Daily winnings: "One 21 oz. FUZE Fresh Brewed Iced Tea." Not too shabby for my first day.

Total winnings so far: That one 21 oz. iced tea.

Currently listening to: Boy In Static - Where It Ends

Days 45-53: The Beginning of the End

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 01:58:00 +0000

Here are some new things to report:

First, somehow, I won another Scrabble board game. I have no idea how, since, as I said before, the odds are less than 1 in 58,000. I should not be winning multiple prizes with those odds.

There's also another potentially interesting aspect of it. I don't keep track of where each game piece of mine comes from (I just enter them all online each night), so there's a good chance that the winning game piece was one of the ones I found on the floor of a Subway that day. (Yes, I resorted to some less than sanitary measures to get game pieces, such as taking game pieces from cups in the trash, and even digging one out from the drain beneath the fountain drinks. I'm not proud of it.)

If that's the case, it feels kind of like that scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in which Charlie finds a silver dollar in the gutter and uses it to buy the candy bar with the winning ticket inside. Except instead of becoming the owner of a candy factory with woefully unsafe working conditions and a probably illegal workforce of midgets who work for cacao beans, I won a $13 board game.

Personally, I think I might have come out on top of Charlie on this one. At the very least, my prize is much less likely to earn me a lawsuit.

Secondly, on a sadder note, Subway Scrabble basically ended today. Yesterday was supposed to be the last day on which game pieces would be distributed, but, just as I predicted, one of the guys at Subway this morning was giving out the cups with game pieces on them anyway. Then the manager showed up, and all of those cups mysteriously disappeared.

What this means is that I have until October 13th (I think) to give away all of my free cookies and whatnot. After that, the coupons won't be accepted. So basically, if you're reading this and you happen to personally know me, you should start coming to Subway with me often these next couple weeks, because there is a lot of free shit in it for you.

I plan on running the numbers on my game pieces and getting some statistics together, so look for that in the coming days, if I'm not too busy with work (I produce amateur pornographic videos in my dorm room and sell them to family members. Strangely, the current financial crisis has led to a dramatic increase in sales).

As one final note, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with this blog in this new post-Subway Scrabble era. I suppose I could just start writing about whatever the fuck I want to, but that could be odd, since the blog was started with a pretty specific purpose in mind. As always, I'm open to your thoughts and suggestions, so feel free to leave a comment or something. At the very least, it will make me feel less like a lonely man who yells at his computer about sandwiches on a semi-regular basis.

Daily winnings: Since last time, I've won six cookies, three small drinks, and a Scrabble board game.

Total winnings: Twenty-five cookies, fifteen small drinks, four bags of chips, one six-inch, two three-month Pogo.com memberships, a $5 Cash Card, and two Scrabble board games.

Currently listening to: Skinny Puppy - Use Less

Days 41-44: Subway: Canadian edition

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 01:41:00 +0000

So, Subway Scrabble will soon be coming to an end here in the good old U.S.A. (people call my room "The United States of Anal." I cannot elaborate, for legal reasons). But not all of you need despair, because Canadian Subway Scrabble is in full swing. Let's take a closer look at it, and how it differs from the version played here.

First of all, these Canadians are so proud of their stronger dollar, they just had to wave it in all of our fat faces. That's why they decided to one-up our $100,000 jackpot with their very own $250,000 jackpot. Similarly, they offer $15 Cash Cards, putting my hard-won $5 card to shame. Yes, we're all very impressed, Canada. Keep it in the pants.

But these exorbitant cash prizes seem to have come at somewhat of a cost to the other prizes. For example:

Wow! My very own Game Machine Console?! I can't wait to connect it to my television set, right next to my Digital Video Disc player. Verily, all of my peeps (and even some of my homies) will marvel at my elite skills. Holler.

Notice that they never tell you what the actual console is. Neither do the official rules, so I'm guessing Subway is just as clueless as the rest of us. Judging from the above photo, though, it appears to involve a pretty close ripoff of the Xbox 360 controller:

So I guess it'll be kind of like the store-brand version of an Xbox 360. Good luck finding games that work with it.

In a similar vein, there's this prize:

I shouldn't even have to tell you this, but that MP3 Player looks like exactly an iPod that needs to lay off the cheese fries. Except it's not an iPod at all, and it probably doesn't work with iTunes. Who knows, maybe it comes with its own iTunes ripoff, similarly bulging in the belly area.

Next up:

Okay, first of all: I don't want to be able to smell the breath of any of those bands. Especially not 3 Doors Down, if the rumors are true.

The offical rules elaborate a little more: "Each prize will consist of two tickets to a concert. Talent and concert venue to be chosen and announced by Contest Sponsor at a later date, but will be scheduled no later than October 19, 2009. Winners are responsible for all travel and expenses related to claiming and participating in this prize, including but not limited to any travel and accommodations."

Wow. So you get two tickets for a concert by what could very well be a shitty, shitty band, at a date that could easily conflict with your schedule. Will the venue even be located anywhere near the winner? Because they're making kind of a big deal about travel expenses. Methinks the corporate entity doth protest too much.

Basically, I'd probably end up selling this one on eBay. For less than the price Ticketmaster would charge.

Finally, we come to the big one:

This seems like a pretty sweet prize at first. Then you realize that the U.S. version of the game offers this car:

A 2008 Toyota Highlander Hybrid, with seating for five people (or seven, if you go for the optional extra seats). The car Canada's offering, on the other hand, only seats two people, and has a mere "Micro Hybrid Drive."

Basically, the Canadian car is a good prize if you only have one close friend and nothing more than a passing interest in your environmental impact. (On the bright side, it can fit a near-infinite number of imaginary friends, clown car-style.) Hopefully, this vehicle will make you less lonely and more concerned about social issues as the soft seats soak up your bitter tears.

Anyway. My $5 Cash Card arrived, and even though I sent a lengthy, deeply personal missive with my submission of the game pieces, they included nothing more than a form letter informing me of the "Scrabbletastic" news (yes, they actually used that word). Dicks.

Daily winnings: Since we last spoke, four cookies.

Total winnings so far: Nineteen cookies, twelve small drinks, four bags of chips, one six-inch, two three-month Pogo.com memberships, a $5 Cash Card, and a Scrabble board game.

Currently listening to: Azure Ray - Rise

Days 38-40: Breaking news

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 05:17:00 +0000

So, remember my last post, in which I complained about Subway Scrabble's Online Instant Win game? More specifically, I think I claimed that anyone playing it will never win and is doomed to a life of crushing disappointment. That seemed like a reasonable claim to me, since the odds of winning even the shittiest prize are less than 1 in 11,000.

So it was probably just to spite me that Subway suddenly let me win something through that very online game late last night. The prize was a Scrabble board game, and my odds were, apparently, 1 in 58,943. I have no idea how I pulled that one off.

Now, I don't want to seem ungrateful. But at this point, I've spent more than a month playing a version of Scrabble that's kind of a big deal. Letters are hard to come by, the prizes are thrilling, and the odds are seemingly unbeatable. At this point, giving me the regular old Scrabble board game is kind of like giving Michael Phelps a kiddie pool.

This was one of the first Google Image Search results for "kiddie pool."

But I'll take what I can get. As the saying goes, beggars can't be choosers. (Coincidentally, that's also my philosophy regarding girlfriends.)

I saw someone on the street today wearing a Darfur-related shirt that said "Wake up to genocide." I have to say, I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, talk about a rude awakening. Just imagine it: you're sound asleep, dreaming about boobs and sandwiches, and suddenly there's mass murder taking place right by your bed. At first you'd probably be pants-shittingly terrified, but then you'd remember that it's just your wake-up genocide.

On the other hand, I'd probably make it to class on time. Unless there's a snooze function. Does genocide come with a snooze function?

Get on that, Science.

Daily winnings: Since the last update, I've gotten a cookie, a small drink, and some board game. I forget what it was called.

Total winnings so far: Fifteen cookies, twelve small drinks, four bags of chips, one six-inch, two three-month Pogo.com memberships, a $5 Cash Card, and a Scrabble board game.

Currently listening to: The National - Racing like a Pro

Days 31-37: It's on

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 08:31:00 +0000

Okay, motherfuckers. It's been too long. And for that I apologize.

One thing that's been taking the 'net by storm lately is this totally unsubstantiated report about an ex-gay porn star who was fired by Subway. (If this were a much shittier blog, I would try to make a pun about how the story is un-sub-stantiated. GET IT?!) Now, if this is true, it definitely wasn't so nice of Subway. But let's face it: everyone involved in this story has engaged in their fair share of dick moves. Some more dick-intensive than others.

So I have a solution that should make everyone happy.

Kurt Wild, ex-gay porn star? You should go work at Quizno's. They know that sex sells. While watching this commercial, focus on the smooth, sensual voiceover. It's almost like they resurrected Barry White, just to have him repeatedly suggest "more meat":

Of course, they end it with a shot of the woman holding a footlong in a particularly phallic manner, followed by the instruction to "love what you eat."

If that doesn't convince you, check out this clip from another Quizno's ad:

I'm sorry you had to see that, but it kind of proves my point: Quizno's isn't afraid to get a little naughty.

Which is why this Kurt Wild fellow should get a job there. Thanks to his previous lines of work, he has experience with both sandwich-making and being sexually suggestive. Perhaps a little too much experience with footlongs, but that's the business. At Quizno's, if you're not making people feel uncomfortable about what they're putting in their mouths, you're not doing your job right.

Subway, on the other hand, is all about the cocktease. For example, there was that employee who was so overtly flirtatious that one day. Guess what happened there? That's right, she hasn't said a single word to me since I proposed to her last week. (To be fair, the ring was just an onion ring, and its box was made of bread. In fact, you could argue that the whole thing was just a spur-of-the-moment decision resulting from me dropping my sandwich and getting down on one knee to pick it up. But that would just be silly.)

Or, consider what happens every time I spin the wheel to play the Subway Scrabble Online Instant Win Game:

Seriously, it looks exactly like that every single time. Just so you think, "Oh man! I was so close to the $100,000 jackpot! Next time I'll click the "spin" button a little harder, and that money will be all mine. Finally, I will be able to afford happiness."

But you never will. Once again, Subway has gotten your hopes up, only to deliver crushing disappointment. It's almost enough to make me turn to Quizno's, but the last thing I need is more meat.

Today I saw a guy at Subway try to pay for three cookies with a $100 bill. Needless to say, it didn't go so well, and he was basically laughed out of the store. Mostly by me, actually.

Daily winnings: Since we last spoke, I've won two cookies, a small drink, and, surprisingly, another 3-month Pogo.com membership. I wasn't expecting that last one, since its odds are only 1 in 206 or something. I guess I'm just that good.

Total winnings so far: Fourteen cookies, eleven small drinks, four bags of chips, one six-inch, two three-month Pogo.com memberships, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: Alec Empire - The Unknown Stepdancer

Days 26-30: Subway: A love story

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 07:53:00 +0000

So I think one of the female employees at Subway is kind of into me.

It occurred to me during my second trip today. She's one of the newer sandwich artists, so I've seen her a fair amount lately. But today was different. She kept looking at me with a knowing smile on her face, and then looking away coyly. I'm not exactly fluent in body language, but the message was clear: she seemed to totally want me. Which introduces an interesting situation.

I mean, my girlfriend's great and all. But I tend to only get to see her roughly once a week. I see this Subway girl about thrice a day, depending on her hours. If she's lucky, we see each other morning, afternoon, and night, and in that sense it almost feels like I'm having an affair of sorts.

But I'm very conflicted on this issue. On the one hand, Subway girl makes me multiple sandwiches every day, while my girlfriend has never, ever made me anything I would eat. On the other hand, I don't even know Subway girl's name, nor have we ever made physical contact. Unless handing over a credit card counts as a form of touching, somehow. I don't know what the kids are into these days.

So I'm left in a difficult position. Do I stick with my lovely, faithful girlfriend, or defect to the obedient sandwich-maker? Both tend to charge me roughly five dollars for each interaction with a footlong, so it's a very tough decision. We'll see how it plays out.

EDIT: I just wanted to add that I have only the vaguest recollection of very drunkenly writing this last night. What surprised me most was my use of the word "defect" for probably the first time in my life. Apparently, my drunk vocabulary is somewhat extensive. This is just more evidence that pregaming for the SATs was a good call, no matter what my college counselor says.

Daily winnings: A small drink on both Day 26 and Day 27. Then nothing on Day 28, and then chips and a small drink on Day 29. Nothing on Day 30, of course.

Total winnings so far: Twelve cookies, ten small drinks, four bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: The Small Faces - Itchycoo Park

Day 25: The dry spell gets a little moist

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 05:45:00 +0000

I won a small drink today. That was fun.

I also discovered something new: Subway Scrabble - The Blog. That's right, this is THE definitive blog for all things related to Subway Scrabble. There are just two problems with it:

1. Its author doesn't seem to really know how a blog works. It only has three posts, and most of them consist of nothing more than a subject line stating the topic, followed by "This is your new blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top bar." I'm assuming that's his blogging program's default text to help out people like him. Unsuccessfully, in this case.

2. While it has a pretty huge number of comments (especially compared to this blog), many of them seem to be written by people of dubious sanity.

Take this example, the very first comment from the most recent entry:

Glenda
I though that look enter website about A to Z letters from cup prize to put on scrabble game. there have not any game that no make sense to why show to ad ever no game.

This was a good try, Glenda. You managed to type a lot of actual words, and for that I commend you. What you need to work on is stringing those words together in a way that doesn't make you sound schizophrenic. But, as confusing as the comment is, it's still much more intelligent than if she'd posted, "First!" as the kids seem to be so into these days. And you did better than this commenter:

heather,eliott
i,have,been.trying,to,play.this,but,wont,let,me,even,get,through,let.me.know,now,i,do,this

That comment kind of sounds like it was dictated. By someone reading a telegram.

Then there's this one:

subway eater
i won a cookie and i am so excited. ive always wanted to win something. this is the greatest day of my life.

Well that's one of the sadder things I've heard recently. I hate to break this to you, but... you had a one in four chance of winning that. They gave away more than six million cookies. But hey, if that was the greatest day of your life, I hope you keep playing. It's pretty much all uphill from there.

There's this thrilling exchange:

Fran
I won a hybrid.
Allie
Fran you are lying. You didn't win a Hybrid.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Finally, there's this bright character:

brandie
won 3 month pogo sub cant figure out how to put code in

I'm sorry, brandie, but you didn't win a sub at all. You won a subscription to Pogo.com, a browser game website. Not some sort of pogo-style sandwich. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you finally figure out how to enter that code, don't expect this to happen:

On an entirely different note, it pains me to say this, but I probably won't be able to keep updating as regularly, since classes start for me tomorrow. My schedule also involves classes as early as 7:45 AM on some days, so if you've paid any attention to the times of my postings, you should be able to figure out the kinds of problems I'll face.

Sorry. I'll do my best.

Daily winnings: A small drink.

Total winnings so far: Twelve cookies, seven small drinks, three bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: Thom Yorke - Harrowdown Hill

Day 24: So dry

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 07:49:00 +0000

Okay, what the fuck. This is my third day in a row without winning anything.

Now, Subway's website claims, "The overall odds for winning ANY Instant Win Prize are 1 in 4," which sounds like a bit of a stretch for a list of prizes that starts out with 1 in 29,471,429 odds. But I did the incredibly tedious math, and it actually checks out.

And yet, even though I've gotten twelve game pieces in the last three days, those 1 in 4 odds just don't seem to be doing me any favors. I've been chomping down sandwiches like my life depends on it (and since I don't eat anything else, I guess it kind of does), but Lady Luck refuses to put out. That is the expression, right?

It's strange, since just this morning I saw some random girl at Subway win a cookie, and then attempt to claim it immediately, even though the fine print clearly states that food prizes are only valid on your next order. Listen up, Luck: I get that you're seeing other people. But why are you favoring these clueless boobs who have no idea what they're doing? Try to have some standards here. (Also, since when did you swing both ways? I didn't see that one coming.)

Now, checking in on eBay again:

The letter-spacing technique seems to have caught on, as I discovered in an auction entitled, "U W A N T Subway Scrabble Letters U W I N 100+ Pieces." In the seller's own words:

Right... so you just named every possible letter in the game. All of which may be included here. Let's think about this rationally:

First of all, considering the fact that the odds of winning even the crappiest Collect & Win prize are less than 1 in 11,000, "100+" pieces probably won't get you very far.

And secondly, with that many pieces, if this guy had any letters worth a shit, he probably wouldn't be selling them on eBay. Because, you know, he'd be claiming that expensive prize himself. Assuming the starting price is less than $100,000, it's a safe bet that this guy isn't exactly in a position to win the jackpot.

No one could be stupid enough to fall for this, right?

Oh, wait. It turns out there have been 25 bids so far, and the current bid is $100, with a full four and a half days remaining as of the time of this posting.

Huh. It just occurred to me that I might actually profit more from this experiment by following this guy's lead.

Huh.

Daily winnings: Nothing, again. It kinda makes you think. About money, and the taking of it from gullible people.

Total winnings so far: Twelve cookies, six small drinks, three bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: Crystal Stilts - Crippled Croon

Day 23: Meh

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 07:27:00 +0000

So it appears Subway has a new promotional contest of sorts:

Right below the sign about the VegiMax Patty (I have no idea if that's any different from the regular veggie patty, or just a more exciting name for it). I know it's tough to read, but it says "Swipe. Eat. You could WIN."

Unfortunately, when they say "swipe," they mean it in a narrower sense than the word might imply on its own. You can't just swipe with any credit card. No, as far as I can tell, you have to use a Mastercard. Maybe those are notorious for their swipability or something.

Either way, I don't think I'll be participating in this particular promotional crapshoot, for a couple reasons:

1. I don't have a Mastercard. Even if I did, my parents would probably insist that I save it for emergencies or last resorts. Something about constantly being charged interest, which I guess may not be an issue for my trusty American Express card.

2. The prize is something involving a Jets game. I didn't care enough to find out exactly what, because unfortunately, sports are completely meaningless to me. While everybody else I knew was watching the Superbowl last year, I think I spent that night reading the Wikipedia article on onions.

So if any Subway employees, enthralled by my strongly worded letter, end up reading this: I'm sorry, but I just can't drum up any enthusiasm for this one. You're on your own here, assuming no other intrepid blogger steps up to the plate.

And really, let's hope no one does. What would that even look like? "Dear devoted readers: today I swiped my Mastercard and ate a sandwich. I probably didn't win anything." I'm considering taking Blogger's "subwayswiper" address, just as a preemptive measure.

As of today, I'm once again a regular customer at the Subway near Columbia. But I have to admit I'm a little disappointed with it so far. Their cups are almost all from before the contest, and the employees are all new people who don't know my sandwich preferences. Plus, my new dorm is a bit of a walk from there.

On the bright side, I'm glad I made the switch, because the Subway near my house appeared to have run out of game pieces this morning. But even with the ones I got at this new location, I didn't win a goddamn thing. For the third time in the last four days. What's going on here?

I'm starting to suspect that maybe I'm just not very good at this game.

Daily winnings: None. More like daily whinings. Am I right? I'm right.

Total winnings so far: Twelve cookies, six small drinks, three bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: Ministry - Rio Grande Blood

Day 22: Shit gets official

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 08:25:00 +0000

Lots of Subway mailing today. I mailed:

1. A "free official game piece request," which is supposed to get me a single game piece in return. Hey, I figure every bit counts.

2. A "winner's list request," which is supposed to get me a list of all major prize winners once this whole thing is over. I'm not sure how loose their definition of "major prize" is, but I'm hoping to see my name on there.

and 3., I finally got around to mailing in the two game pieces with which I won my Cash Card. I also included the following letter, and unfortunately I'm not kidding:

Dear Subway,

How are you? You’re looking great. Have you lost weight? I thought your pants used to be bigger. Huge, actually.

I’m writing to you today because I just won a fabulous and rare prize in your new Subway Scrabble game. That’s right: I’m the proud winner of a $5 Cash Card.

You may be wondering how I got to be so incredibly lucky. The truth is, luck had very little to do with it. I just go to Subway a lot more often than any rational person really should. Thrice a day, to be exact, if not more than that. Seriously, I go there so often, it would make Jared puke.

But I digress. I’ve included my two winning game pieces, the ‘V’ and the ‘E,’ as instructed. Strangely, I wasn’t instructed to provide any way of identifying from whom those game pieces were sent, so that’s mostly what this is for.

Are you expecting my ‘E’ to have a specific code on it? Was that how you planned on identifying who sent them? Because if so, I think you should reconsider. You see, the last time I counted, I think I had ten ‘E’s. As a result, I have no idea which one of them you’re expecting, if that is indeed how this nefarious system works.

After several minutes of intense contemplation, with beads of sweat rolling down my torso and through the defined furrows of my abs, I gave it an educated guess. By which I mean I picked an ‘E’ randomly from my extensive collection. So if that’s not the one you wanted, I hope you will forgive my carelessness.

But if there’s one thing I know about you, a personified corporate entity, it’s that you are rarely forgiving. Nowadays, it seems like every time I head to Subway, it’s “no free refills” this, and “no shirt, no pants, no service” that. The last time I tried to haggle with a sandwich artist, he refused to change the price even a single cent, and then wouldn’t accept payment in gold doubloons.

So I’m onto your game here. You may try to deny me my Cash Card, but you know what you can’t deny? Justice. And I will have my justice, in the form of a plastic card. I will hold it in my firm grip, and I will almost be able to afford a whole sandwich with it.

And then, once I’ve scrounged up an additional 42 cents to cover the sales tax, I will take that sandwich in a grip that is also firm, yet delicate, and I will eat the whole thing. Because sandwiches are fucking awesome.

My confirmation code is [in hindsight, maybe I shouldn't post this part on the Internet].

You can read about my Subway Scrabble adventures at http://subwayscrabbler.blogspot.com/, if you must.

Kisses!

I have no idea how they'll react to that, but hopefully it'll lead to something interesting.

Tomorrow I have to make the long, long journey from my home in Manhattan all the way to my dorm at Columbia, so we'll see if the Subway nearby has gotten its act together. It'll be nice to see those guys again, and to watch as they grow to once again hate my near-constant presence there.

Daily winnings: Nothing, again. My second day of zero progress. Considering I just had my first one two days ago, I'm starting to think I might be involved in a bit of a dry spell.

Total winnings so far: Twelve cookies, six small drinks, three bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: Grand National - Coming Round

Day 21: Hang on a sec

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 07:40:00 +0000

I'm sorry, I need to interrupt this blog's usual business for a second.

I have a confession to make: I'm a pretty big X-Files fan. As such, I'm also a fan of David Duchovny, who played the part of Agent Mulder like he was born for the role.

One of my very favorite aspects of that character, among a lot of other things, is the running gag that Mulder is a huge porn enthusiast. As Wikipedia puts it, "Mulder normally watches porn to sleep; at other times, he does it out of boredom or habit. At times it is implied that he watches porn as other people watch TV shows."

Now, The X-Files trained me to spot a conspiracy when I see one. So let's take a look at David Duchovny's track record:

1991: On Twin Peaks, Duchovny plays the role of a transvestite DEA agent.

1992: He narrates the softcore porn Showtime series Red Shoe Diaries.

1993-2002: The X-Files happens.

2002: Duchovny stars in the movie Full Frontal. I have no idea what it's about, but just look at that name.

2003: He appears on Sex and the City, and does something that I'm sure most females find fascinating.

2005: In the movie Trust the Man, Duchovny plays a husband in a sexually unsatisfying marriage who turns to massive amounts of pornography for gratification. This becomes a serious habit, and in one entertaining scene, even briefly involves horse porn.

2007-present: Duchovny has the starring role in the Showtime series Californication, and once again, the name tells you everything you need to know.

Okay, so maybe it's not a conspiracy per se. But I detected a definite pattern there, and came to a conclusion long ago.

What conclusion was that, you ask? Why, that David Duchovny is a sex addict, of course. As was only officially confirmed today.

But watch out -- don't tell anyone about that, since he's requested privacy for his family and whatnot. And it's only logical that we grant it to him, since he was so subtle about this problem over the last 17 years.

So, again, definitely don't tell anyone that David Duchovny is a raging sexaholic. If you do tell people that David Duchovny just can't get enough sex no matter how many orifices he humps his way into, that'll make him angry. And you wouldn't like him when he's angry. (Anger makes him horny.)

Really, we should all just be glad that the media is doing such a good job of getting the word out about respecting David Duchovny's privacy.

I won a small drink today.

Daily winnings: A small drink. I just said that. Don't you listen to anything I say?

Total winnings so far: Twelve cookies, six small drinks, three bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: Spiritualized - Feel So Sad (Rhapsodies)

Day 20: eBay is full of stupid

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 05:56:00 +0000

So, after my second day in a row of zero progress, I turned to eBay in an act of desperation. What I found there would shock me to my core.

As I typed "subway scrabble" into the search bar, an "eBay suggestions" box popped up to suggest that I follow up those words with a specific letter, because apparently that's what a lot of people do. I tested out one of the more popular searches, "subway scrabble u," to indicate the rarest letter in the game, U.

Here were the results:

If you take a good look at that, you'll realize that the seller (yes, all of those are from a single seller) isn't actually selling any U's at all. He's just using creative spelling ("U need these," "U eat free") so he'll be noticed by those searching for the letter U. He's also cornered the market on lots of other letters, thanks to his insistence on spacing out the words "W I N" and "F R E S H." Some of those letters would actually make for an impressive find, but the ones this guy's actually selling are pretty common for the most part.

So here's his basic business model:

1. Get the attention of people who are looking for the rarest letter out there. You know, the one they only made nine of.

2. Pray that those people decide to seriously lower their standards, based solely on the promises of a stranger with a questionable grasp of proper spelling and capitalization:

The crazy thing is, it seems to be working. For example, one of this seller's auctions is for two letters that are "guaranteed to win," along with two free drink coupons. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Wow! What a sale! That man offers me all the letters I'd need to win a terrific prize, along with two small fountain drinks!" You might also, like the current highest bidder, offer twenty bucks for the whole thing.

But there's just one problem: the prize those letters get you is only a five dollar Cash Card. Add in the drinks, and we're still talking about a prize worth less than 8 bucks.

As of the time of this posting, three people had bid fifteen dollars or more. Two of those people should be very, very thankful that they were outbid.

As for the most recent bidder: you, sir, just wasted twelve bucks. Also, you still need to go through the hassle of mailing the physical game pieces to Subway for verification just to get your Cash Card. Once you realize the truth of the situation, you'll probably decide that part isn't even worth the trouble, so you may actually end up at more of a loss than I initially predicted.

But hey, enjoy those two drinks. They cost you enough.

Other things of note:

Remember that 3-month Pogo.com membership I won a while back? Supposedly worth about 18 bucks? Well this guy's selling three of those together, and the highest bid is currently only $8.50. Shows you what kind of enthusiasm we're dealing with for that prize. Hell, I never even got my account set up.

Also, this same guy is selling a batch of 50 letters, and another one that contains 20. How the fuck did he get so many? And furthermore, how does he have three of those free Pogo.com membership offers, if the odds of getting one are only 1 in 206? Have we found someone who goes to Subway even more often than I do? Or are shenanigans afoot?

I suspect the latter. Those game piece factories might want to consider beefing up their security a bit.

Daily winnings: Nothing. Assholes.

Total winnings so far: Twelve cookies, five small drinks, three bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: Radiohead - Weird Fishes/Arpeggi

Day 19: Failure is, apparently, an option

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:31:00 +0000

I've already begun to miss L.A. Subways. They were, with only one exception, always fully stocked with game piece-bearing items. Here, Subways can barely keep up. Both of the ones I went to today were basically out of the new, Scrabble-marked cups. As you might expect, progress has slowed to a crawl.

In L.A., though, I got around 9 new game pieces every day, leaving me with something of a mess on my hands now that I'm back. I used to keep my letters organized like this:

Just taped right on there. But with my recent influx of game pieces (pictured glaringly in the Ziploc bag on the left), I realized the situation called for some new organization. So I spent my day doing this:

Man, I have a shitload of those things. Check out how serious I look. Apparently I don't fuck around when it comes to Subway Scrabble.

As I worked, I thought to myself, "With this new organizational scheme, my path to victory is clear. As Trent Reznor so eloquently put it in about five separate-but-awesome songs, 'Nothing can stop me now.'" It's important to cite quotes while you're thinking them.

But as the day went on, I was often reminded of how easy it can be to stop me. For example, here's the other half of what was left after my letters were all sorted:

This is what a pile of failure looks like

Then there was this message displayed to me on a parking meter as I headed to Subway later on:

Not so subtle. If that's God trying to give me a sign, well, He can go fuck Himself. At least I won a cookie.

Daily winnings: One cookie.

Total winnings so far: Twelve cookies, five small drinks, three bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: The Dandy Warhols - Musee D'Nougat

Days 17 & 18: New Haven Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 06:09:00 +0000

So I checked out a Subway in New Haven. Good thing I didn't get my hopes up, because that place kind of blew.

They had signs for Subway Scrabble everywhere, but there wasn't a single item that actually came with a game piece. I don't know if they ran out already or what, but it was very disappointing. It felt like showing up to a party where everyone's in a really wild and festive mood, only to find out that there's no alcohol. Also, the hot chick who asked for your number turns out to be a dude, and not even an attractive one. We've all been there.

Now, maybe I'm not being entirely fair to New Haven, since I only checked out that one Subway. But still. It sucked. I will give them credit, though, for coming up with a kind of parasitic way to incorporate Snapple's slogan:

Maybe I did get my hopes up a little. I mean, going to L.A. earned me a 1 in 11,000 prize, so it seemed like another change of scenery would give me another little boost. Maybe I'd win something slightly less likely, like 125 Coke Rewards points. I could get a one-year subscription to Cookie Magazine with that, and make the smartest choices for any children I might have out there. But no. Way to crush my dreams, New Haven.

I finally got around to entering all of my recent game pieces online, from L.A.'s to today's. There were about 65, so it took a much longer time than any sane and rational person would have ever sat through. I also tried to claim my $5 Cash Card, but it turns out I have to mail the actual game pieces to Subway. So that might have to wait until tomorrow. They'd better not try to weasel their way out of their end of the deal.

Also: this has absolutely nothing to do with Subway or Scrabble, but I just found out today that my grandmother, after watching Tropic Thunder with my brother and I, didn't realize that it's a comedy. Somehow. I hope this doesn't mean she's going senile.

Daily winnings: For Day 17, one cookie and one small drink. For Day 18, nothing. It was my first day of zero progress. I'd had a day of no prizes before, but at least then I got some new letters. This one was just depressing.

Total winnings so far: Eleven cookies, five small drinks, three bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: MONO IN VCF - The Only One

Days 15 & 16: L.A.: A Retrospective

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 09:34:00 +0000

Some people go to L.A. to experiment with wild drugs and new sexual experiences. During my time there, I decided to experiment with a different substance: vegetables. I tried things as exotic as onions, green peppers, and tomatoes, with mixed results. And don't even get me started on the condiments.

But I have to say, I've become a fan of L.A. Subways. Maybe it's just because I was rarely sober when I visited them, but I like to imagine that it's because I frequented two separate locations that were both open 24/7.

The reason for such ridiculous hours is that both locations are close to USC, and they seem to make most of their money from its students. Which is why I need to take a moment to address that college.

USC is completely ridiculous. Think about any movie featuring a college frat party, and you have a pretty good sense of what the scene is like there. Hordes of people, multi-tiered houses, and strobe-lit rave rooms make for a decent party by their standards. Every night I was there, police helicopters armed with searchlights were sent in to try to calm things down. Failing that, they'd send in the riot police. It's just a tad different from my experiences at Columbia.

So you can imagine the height of my expectations when we decided to throw our own, '80s-themed party. The original theme was "abs and shades," but we decided that was too restrictive. My outfit ended up as a bizarre hybrid of the two:

Unfortunately, we somehow forgot to invite anyone, so it turned out to be an even more homoerotic party than my attire would suggest.

Anyway, later that night, I went to Subway dressed like that, and they fucking loved it. I think. My memory actually gets a little fuzzy around there. I'm kind of surprised I didn't end up hurting myself while drunkenly biking there and back. You may frown upon such BUI-risking behavior, but really, I was only putting myself at risk.

I also managed to burst a couple blood vessels in my eye. Can you see it here?

Can you? No? Hold on, let me have someone else take a photo:

There we go. Thanks, Willy.

I probably got that during the first real kegstand of my life. It's definitely not from time spent straining loudly on the toilet, no matter what the brothers at that frat tell you.

Like the kegstand and the vegetables, today also provided some more personal firsts. For example, it was my first time eating Subway on a plane, and while watching great reality shows on mute. My personal favorite was FOX's new hit show, So You Think You Can Eat More Than a Celebrity. I'm assuming that's what it was called, at least. Really, I'm just glad FOX managed to clear out their schedule for that brand of quality entertainment.

Anyway. I have a metric fuckwad of game pieces to enter online, so I should probably get some sleep. I'm going to New Haven tomorrow, so we'll see how their Subways stack up. Honestly, lately I've felt like I'm on some sort of Where the Hell is Matt?-style quest to visit as many Subways in as many cities as possible. Except I've only hit up about four different cities so far. I never said the resulting video would be good.

Daily winnings: For Day 15, a small drink. For Day 16, a bag of chips.

Total winnings so far: Ten cookies, four small drinks, three bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: Queens of the Stone Age - Leg of Lamb

Day 14: Victory, again

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 23:10:00 +0000

A lot of people like to say that karma is a bitch. Those people are liars and slanderers. Karma is actually a very friendly and polite young lady. In other words, she's a lot like my girlfriend, but with a stronger gag reflex.

I say this because, after a couple of days spent up Shit Creek and all the way down Diarrhea Falls, I scored my first victory in the Collect & Win game. That's right: I got a V.

What did I win? Why, a fabulous $5 Subway Cash Card! That almost covers the cost of the sandwich! In fact, it would have covered the cost of the entire $5 footlong, had they not taxed me. If only I looked more like a USC student and less like someone who commits crimes on subway platforms.

Seriously though, while this is kind of a shitty prize, the odds of winning it are apparently only 1 in 11,123. My realistically low expectations had ruled out anything close to that, so it's some sweet encouragement. I guess I'll claim the prize once I get back from L.A. (I'd better not fucking lose that game piece).

Again, I'm sorry these recent updates have been rather brief. I can barely even get computer access over here, let alone manage a break from all of this wild partying. As I type this, I have beer on my pants, and somebody's breasts pressed against the back of my head. I can only pray that they belong to a female.

Daily winnings: One $5 Subway Cash Card.

Total winnings so far: Ten cookies, three small drinks, two bags of chips, one six-inch, a three-month Pogo.com membership, and a $5 Cash Card.

Currently listening to: The Dandy Warhols - Mission Control

Day 13: More important observations about L.A. Subways

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 01:48:00 +0000

Well, this was kind of a shitty day. You could say I was a bit of a party pooper.

Get it? Because I had to induce severe diarrhea to clear out the blockage in my digestive system? I hope you got that.

Since pretty much everything I ate went straight through me, I ended up going to Subway four times, tying my record. Still only won a cookie, though.

More things that make L.A. Subways special:

Omelette breakfast sandwiches. They also encourage you to try it on their special flatbread, which is like the matza of Subway breads. (Take that as you will.)

Enthusiasm. Every so often, an employee will shout out, "Welcome to Subway! Eat Fresh!" Or, they'll just scream the first half, and someone else will chime in with the second part. Apparently these West Coast sandwich artists are much more prepared for Mystery Shoppers. I guess it's kind of cute. It just gets a tad grating when you hear it as many times a day as I do.

Also, I suspect the erratic taxing may have something to do with USC student discounts, since one guy asked me at the register if I was a student there. That's the only time I've heard them ask about it, though, so maybe they just go with an educated guess most of the time.

Daily winnings: One cookie.

Total winnings so far: Ten cookies, three small drinks, two bags of chips, one six-inch, and a three-month Pogo.com membership.

Currently listening to: The Dandy Warhols - Welcome to the Third World

Day 12: Pain and Suffering in Los Angeles

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 19:30:00 +0000

So, after a long flight filled with screaming infants and one sort-of-celebrity I recognized from I Love the '80s but couldn't name, I made it to L.A.

Here's my short review of L.A. Subways: they kind of suck. So far, at least.

First of all, they don't have ketchup. Some of them apparently carry those little Heinz ketchup packets, but not the one from last night. They had nothing. So I was forced to eat a dry, ketchupless, sad-tasting sandwich.

And then, I got another intestinal obstruction.

I've had a few of those before. Basically, I get some sort of blockage inside me, which leads to an incredibly painful, bloated sensation, for reasons no doctor seems to really understand. It's difficult to say exactly what role the sandwich played, but I doubt it helped much.

Anyway, I've been shoveling down fiber for a while now, so I'm doing a little better. Soon, shit is gonna go down, if you get my meaning.

Now here are the results of my investigations:

1. There is indeed different bread. They call it Jalapeño Cheddar, and it has both of those baked into the bread. It strikes me as a tad unnecessary, since you can get both cheddar cheese and jalapeños separately, later on in the sandwich-making process. I mean, come on, it's not like I ask for bread with lettuce and ketchup baked into it.

Actually, now that I mention it, that doesn't sound bad. Can we get on that, science? You can incorporate some of the latest in ketchup technology:

2. They do indeed offer avocados as an extra topping. But get this: it costs extra. Sixty cents extra, I believe, and that's for a six-inch. I recommend trying this topping if you are someone who hates low prices.

3. As far as taxing goes: there is definitely something mysterious happening. As previously reported, my friend Klex claimed that they only taxed black people. Well, on my last trip, my friend Willy was not taxed, but I was. So either Klex is wrong, or I am in for some surprising revelations about my ancestry.

Anyway. Hopefully I'll have some better Subway experiences here. I'm considering giving their Chipotle Southwest sauce a shot, so maybe that'll improve things. Anything is better than those fucking ketchup packets.

Daily winnings: One cookie, two small drinks.

Total winnings so far: Nine cookies, three small drinks, two bags of chips, one six-inch, and a three-month Pogo.com membership.

Currently listening to: Foals - Big Big Love (Fig. 2)

Day 11: Boring

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 08:02:00 +0000

Another day of all repeats, letterwise. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get a new one.

On the bright side of things, I head to L.A. tomorrow for the next five days or so. Hopefully I'll have better luck over on the West Coast. It might be difficult to update as often there, but I'll do my best.

From what I've heard, things work a little differently over there. Among the main areas in which the two coasts of Subway seem to diverge are:

1. Different types of bread. Legend speaks of more breads with cheese baked into the top, Italian Herbs & Cheese style. I'll check on that.

2. Different vegetables. Avocado, for example. I'll let you know what I see, but don't ask me to taste anything.

3, and perhaps most importantly: My friend claims they only tax black people. Apparently on at least a couple different occasions, he only had to pay $5.00 for his footlong, while some black people ahead in line had to pay the tax-included amount, $5.42.

Now, some of you might agree with that practice. As my grandfather used to say, "Reparations don't grow on trees." But I'm not here to judge. Either way, I'll let you know what my investigative reporting turns up.

Anyway, I should probably end this and get some sleep now, as I have trouble sleeping on planes. It's rather unfortunate, since it's a six-hour flight to L.A. I'm pretty much guaranteed to run out of masturbation material by the end of it.

Reading. I meant reading material. I don't know why I said "masturbation." It's really hard to type with only one hand.

Also: I was given a somewhat thorough interrogation on the subway ride home tonight. The reason given was, "We just saw someone doing something, and you match the description." That's right, everyone: Fabio is in Manhattan, committing crimes. You've been warned.

Daily winnings: A bag of chips.

Total winnings so far: Eight cookies, one small drink, two bags of chips, one six-inch, and a three-month Pogo.com membership.

Currently listening to: M83 - We Own the Sky

Day 10: Sigh

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:26:00 +0000

Six letters today. All repeats. All I got to console myself with were two cookies.

I also considered buying a W on eBay, but decided it wasn't worth it, since the U will probably be nearly impossible to find anyway.

Having finally recovered from yesterday's big win, I tried to set up my free Pogo.com account today. I was treated to this lovely image:

But then when I tried to create the account, I was asked for my credit card info, which made me nervous. I doubt they'd charge me anything until my three free months are up, but I decided to delay signing up anyway, as a matter of principle.

So I think I've reached the point in this contest where the stream of progress dries up to a mere trickle, bringing about a catastrophic metaphorical drought. Realizing this, I've turned my attention to other Subway-related competitions.

Today, I'm focusing on the new $1000 Subway Video Contest. See, Subway is apparently looking for someone to star in a commercial with Jared. They've put out a call for "fresh talent," allowing people to submit videos of themselves that incorporate certain Subway-related buzzwords. All of the following "audition lines" need to be included:

So I went ahead and wrote my own script, the only way I know how:

Frisky Footlongs

A short film by Beale

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A GUY and a GIRL, both extremely attractive, enter the bedroom. They sit down on the bed shakily.

GIRL
How stoned are you?

GUY

Completely baked. I'm more baked than freshly baked bread. How about you?

GIRL
I'm pretty high.

GUY
How high are we talking here? Would you say it's as though you're piled high with tender Roast Beef?

GIRL
I might say that, yes.

GUY
Sweet.

He pauses, staring at some vivid hallucination in the corner of the room.

GUY
Maybe I shouldn't have had so many mushrooms.

GIRL
Perhaps not. You've always loved those crunchy veggies.

GUY
It's true. Okay, let's cut to the chase here: you are hot. Like jalapeños. We should totally bone.

GIRL
That's the best idea I've heard all day. Let's do it!

The GUY tears off his pants, and while he is only visible from the waist up, we hear his man-meat hit the ground with a loud thump.

GIRL

Sweet onion chicken teriyaki! That thing is huge!

GUY
I know. I had it circumcised recently, so it's made the way you want.

The camera pans away from the bed as they begin to bone frantically. Through special effects wizardry, we pan over to the GUY standing by the door as the boning continues in the background.

GUY (to camera)
Hey there. I live a pretty sweet life, full of hard drugs and soft women. What's my secret?

He picks up a footlong from off-screen.

GUY
Subway. Eat Fresh.

He takes a large, contented bite out of the sandwich, then allows his gaze to drift back to the scene on the bed. He masturbates a little.

END

The rules don't allow nudity, so, as you may have noticed, we're carefully shooting around it. Oh, and the whole thing has to be 30 seconds or less, so imagine all of it happening really quickly. Also, only a single entrant can appear in the clip, so I'll have to play both the male and the female role. In other words, if you found that scene up there at all arousing, you should now feel a little weird about it.

Daily winnings: Two cookies.

Total winnings so far: Eight cookies, one small drink, one bag of chips, one six-inch, and a three-month Pogo.com membership.

Currently listening to: TV on the Radio - I Was a Lover

Day 9: Huh

noreply@blogger.com (Subway Scrabbler) — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 09:45:00 +0000

So today was interesting. Once again, zero progress, letterswise:

But I won my "best" prize yet: a 3-month Club Pogo.com membership. A website full of online games. I'm not exactly flipping my shit over this, but it's my rarest prize yet (odds are 1 in 206) and worth more than anything else I've won ($17.97, apparently). Since I only expect to end up with around 200 or so game pieces, this might be as good as it gets, unfortunately. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a miracle, or something along those lines.

On a different note, the Subway website has been making me feel a tad uncomfortable lately. Here are a few examples:

The "action," huh? Is that like "getting some action"? I don't know what this is referring to, but it sounds disgusting.

Whoa! Watch out, Macarena!

Now, I don't exactly consider myself the hippest cat in the hat (is that how the kids talk these days? I haven't been outside in a while), but I'm not so sure that the Salsa is as popular nowadays as you seem to think. Yes, I get that they're going for a pun involving heat, but it's stupid.

For the record, in the so-called "Pants Dance" game, you control a pair of pants, avoiding falling junk food while trying to hit the healthy foods that drop from above.

I'm sorry, Subway programmers, but if your idea of dancing involves trying to catch flying vegetables with your pants, you must have had one awkward prom.

Wow. A "Tour de Pants"? Is that French for a "pants party"?

Once again, I must apologize, but I don't want to know anything about what goes on inside Jared's pants.

Even Jared seems kind of uncomfortable around his pants.

On that exhausted note, I should probably try to get some sleep. Let's hope I get some new letters in the days to come.

Daily winnings: A three-month Pogo.com membership. I should probably claim that soon, since the contest will be over in less than three months.

Total winnings so far: Six cookies, one small drink, one bag of chips, one six-inch, and a three-month Pogo.com membership.

Currently listening to: Saul Williams - List of Demands (Reparations)