So, why do the cheesy pick up lines never work? Well, they are cheesy and we’ve all heard them before. However, we all know someone that’s met someone in a bar.

So, what’s the secret? Why do some guys (and girls) get the digits and others get rejected? I’ve found that there are 3 major components to approaches that work in person.

Clean

Clean as in not overtly sexual, or downright crude. “Nice shoes, wanna f***” just won’t cut it. Instead, something that’s polite and identifies the other person as a human rather than a sex object is a much better approach. And while the nice shoes line could possibly work – do you really want the person that would work on? Physical compliments can be used for things like a smile – but not for body parts like breasts or butts.

Cute

By cute I mean several things. Original, funny, personalized to the situation. Something that shows some clear thought. How flattering is it to know that someone was thinking about how to approach you? It’s much more flattering then a “How do you like your eggs in the morning” at last call. Using a well known line doesn’t do anything to make you stand out. Use something in the current situation to make your approach unique to right here and now.

Confidence

This is important! Yes, the opposite sex is scary as hell, and most of us don’t look forward to rejection. However, most people are attracted to confident people. So speak up, sound sure of yourself. Make eye contact and smile. While rejection is a possibility, don’t approach someone apologetically or sure of defeat.

The 3 C’s in Action

The night before my birthday I was out with some friends for karaoke. At midnight, a group of the guys I know got together and had the entire bar sing Happy Birthday to me. How cool is that. One of them came up to me later and the conversation went something like this:

Him: I have a birthday present for you.

Me: You do?

Him: Yes, but it comes with a condition.

Me: (One eyebrow raised) A condition?

Him: (He pulls three little stuffed animals out from behind his back.) I’m good at the claw game, and you can have your choice, but I get your number so I can take you out sometime.

Me: Take me out where?

Him: Anywhere you want.

So I picked a bear, gave him my number, even though he was not a guy I would have picked out as a potential date. His approach was what won me over and got me thinking about how his “pick up” worked when others had not.

Act too interested, you scare the other person away, act too aloof and you hurt their feelings.

So how can you find out if the other person is interested without asking outright? While there’s nothing wrong with open communication, sometimes a little reassurance is a good thing.

Here are a few of the non-verbal cues that can tell you how your date, man or woman feels about you:

• Smiles – Seriously, this one should be a no brainer, but there is always the nervous smile. You know a real smile when you feel it, it lights up the eyes and the room. Genuine smiles mean that a genuinely good time is being had. The important thing with smiles is to see what direction they are headed – awkward, I’m nervous smiles moving in to real ones is good….headed the other way, not so much.
• Mirror Mirror – If it’s done unconsciously, it can be hard to pick up, too obvious, it may come across as forced, but mirroring is the other person matching your changes in position, head tilts and body shifts. If the other person is interested, they will unconsciously copy your movements, moving further away or in closer as you do.
• The Eyes Have It – Eye contact is where it’s at! Of course, I don’t mean a creepy, non-blinking stare that could win a staring contest. But frequent, sustained and direct eye contact can be an excellent indicator of attraction and interest.
• Peacock Preening – Subtle vanity checks to ensure good looks are a great indicator of attraction. Both men and women will play with their hair and straighten their clothes. Now, a date that can’t pass a reflective surface without giving themselves a once over and a wink is probably more into themselves then into you.
• Lean on Me – Ok, don’t really lean on anyone, we might not be at the touchy point yet. However, when someone leans in towards you during conversation, closing the distance between you, it’s a sure sign of some attraction. Taking two personal space bubbles and creating a more intimate space around both of you can help turn the focus on to the date, and away from the rest of the room.

Body language works because it works on a subconscious level. It is also not fail proof – maybe they leaned in simply because the volume increased and they couldn’t hear you. Consequently, take the whole situation into account.

Don’t discount the verbal communication because you think the body language is saying something else. Use body language to help increase your confidence and comfort level, or recognize when something is not working.

Now one thing you need to know about me, is I am always decidedly unexcited about a first date. I become a terrible pessimist. So when I was telling my friends about it, I sounded less enthusiastic then I do before a dentist appointment. So I found all the things I didn’t like in his profile, and I found all the questionable areas and came up with scenarios that could be my worst nightmare. Thus fully prepared for disappointment, I set off to meet him.

I was pleasantly surprised! He looked better in person then he did in photos, he was honest about his height (I expected him to be shorter than me) and was polite and well behaved. So we got coffee and ended up skipping the movie and talking. For three hours. Now, I can usually do that with no problem, but it was a two way conversation. He listened, he remembered things I said, and we found out we really do have a lot in common. If this was a movie, cut to the scene of us riding off into the sunset, right?

So you ask – what’s the problem. Well, I felt no spark. There was not one iota of desire in me for this guy, no tingles, no wondering what a first kiss would be like. In fact, at one point I was mentally running through a list of people I could introduce him to. I’m pretty confident (but trying not to sound cocky) that he would not say the same thing. In fact, I got a nice follow up email from him that expressed how much fun he had, and he’s already mentioned possible ideas for future dates.

So what’s a girl to do? Well, this is where the 5-Date rule comes in. He raised no red flags, and was not repulsive. I was just not in lust, and that’s a good thing. How many times have we had someone “grow on us” as we got to know them better? Five dates can give you a chance to get to know them, and see what happens.

Now it could be that nothing more than friendship ever happens here. However, I realize if I walk away now, I’m not being fair, and I’m letting my hormones have control over my life…and frankly, they don’t usually do that great of a job.

So, if he asks, I’ll go out with him again, enjoy the company and see where it goes. If after 5 dates I still feel nothing for him, then I’ve given us both a fair chance, but in fairness will need to end it so it doesn’t drag on forever.

Your Dating Resume

I consider a profile to be a “dating resume.” Now, that doesn’t mean I list the dates of all my past relationships and explain any gaps between boyfriends! That would just be crazy. Instead, I try to outline the reasons I’m an amazing catch – but with a focus on the type of guy I want to meet. Just like I have various forms of my resume for different jobs (some focus on my technical skills, some focus on my managerial background) I know that what I put out there will attract (hopefully) people with similar interests, values and backgrounds to what I have.

Who Are You?

I also try hard to make it clear who I am, and what my attributes are, without sounding too crazy. Now, keep in mind the less generic you are, the less people who will respond to you. When I see something like “I’m seeking someone who works out every day, who’s BMI doesn’t exceed 24, has never been to Istanbul, has green eyes and drives an Impala” I move right along. I mean, I would NEVER drive an Impala. While you might be chuckling and thinking I’m over the top again, it’s not that far from what some people put.

Negativity Turns People Away

Remember, your tone will determine who contacts you. Who out there has ever said, I’m looking for a really negative, picky, browbeating jerk? So the more “negative energy” you put out there, the less response you will be. If you are a positive, optimistic person, let that shine through. If you tend to be more of a glass is half empty sort, you may want to tone that down. There are a lot of things most people are looking to avoid; do you really need to say you are “sick of head games?” Showing too much negativity makes people assume you have some hefty baggage.

Is It You?

When you finish your profile, read it aloud to yourself. Does it sound like you? Does it flow well? Don’t forget to check your spelling and grammar. While there is more to writing an effective dating profile than this, it’s a great starting point and will help you identify what you want to say. Then you will just have to see if you are getting responses from people who might interest you, or if you are sending the wrong message.

Finding the Right Frog

The biggest question you have to ask yourself, is are you looking to cast a wide net, and maybe risk meeting a few frogs, or do you want to be more selective, and risk having the right frog hop on by?